Reddit mentions: The best adolescent psychology books

I completely agree that school counseling is a better fit because I like the daily variety and I am just not built for 40 hours a week of talk therapy. It's a lot and very taxing! If you have any other questions honestly feel free to comment or message me. I know how confusing navigating all of this can be and I wish I was more informed at the start of my career. I had essentially been talked out of school counseling, only to go back and finish that degree/license later on - should have stuck with my gut.

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It is completely ridiculous IMO that some states require teaching experience (dramatic eye roll). School counselors are NOT teachers! Ridiculous. Not sure where you are moving to, but most states it will be easy to get licensed as long as your program is CACREP accredited and you will likely have to take the school counseling Praxis (about and prep). Not all states have this test requirement (New Jersey doesn't for example). I believe Arizona is a fairly easy state to be licensed in, but the link in my original post has the general outline of what each state requires. If it interests you, NJ will do a transcript evaluation for $80 and will outline exactly what you need to be licensed. I did that and it put me at ease knowing that I was eligible and only doing exactly what I needed to for my license. You don't have to be a resident or anything and their requirements are pretty basic, every CACREP program should meet their standards. You can find more information here and if you wanted to, you would go to this site: https://www20.state.nj.us/DOE_TCIS_ONLINEED/ and create an account. From there you would "apply online" and then "certification application" and you will see the option for a transcript evaluation. I personally think it's one of the easier states to become licensed in and they processed mine within 2 weeks. I don't live there any more and hadn't for years when I got licensed, but that was how I personally got around the 2 year teaching requirement in NV. Once I applied with a license in hand, I was accepted no problem (makes total sense, good job licensing boards).

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I think it's a great idea to do your internship at 2 different levels and some states actually require that (one in elementary and one in middle or high). It will give you a better idea of where you want to go as well.

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Being in a program now for counselor education and working with master's students, I finally have an opportunity to say...here's what they should have told us! I feel that I was adequately prepared to work as a counselor, but licensing regulations, national certifications, etc., were just some mysterious thing we didn't really know anything about. My best advice is to ask as many questions as you possibly can about all of these topics to your faculty - most of them, if not all, should be happy to help!

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Since you're with CMHC it's probable you won't get much on play therapy, which you will really need to be in an elementary school. If you have the money and time, I highly recommend this book (School Based Play Therapy by Adrena Drewes and Charles Schaefer). I'm sure you have a lot going on already, but I'd get at least one play therapy book geared towards school counseling - it will make a big difference.

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Replying to this thread has made me feel helpful and has helped me avoid working on my dissertation... win-win! ;)

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Best of luck to you and seriously, feel free to reach out if you have any questions that I may be able to help with. I was a prac student once too and I know this sh*t is overwhelming.

In college, find a way to do it for you.

10 years ago I was where you are now, an overachiever bound for an elite university. Like you, I was doing it for other people. (Differences: I did more sports, music, and science instead of leadership, and only one of my parents was driving me, and I averaged 7 hours of sleep per night, but my life was regimented and packed with optimal activities.) The Price of Privilege provided some insight into what I was feeling and reassurance that my feelings were a normal reaction to an unmanageable situation. Read it and feel better.

It's been a rough journey getting here because I lost my sense of direction for a long time.

This is going to sound bizarre, but: to be happier, dial back your sense of duty to other people, while continuing to overachieve. Richard Feynman's philosophy was "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" and he was very successful and loved. Most therapists would tell you that you're allowed to decide what your "needs" are and to pursue any legal means of satisfying your needs no matter how strange or useless. Some subcultures deliberately cultivate antisocial/sociopathic practices, such as the "smile and nod" of finance guys or the "dark triad" of pickup guys, and this is 100% legal and typically results in positive outcomes for the guys. I don't recommend going full Nietzsche, but I do recommend doing slightly less for other people so you can sleep at least 6 hours per night on average.

Three major failures I made (avoid these):

First, I screwed up academically in college because my middle-class parents couldn't see the next step after college clearly enough to pressure me to get there. So, I wasted a long time in second-tier jobs and grad school. I'm an engineer at a prestigious company now, but my friends who stayed top-tier through a finance or business-school track now make 4x what I make. Get top grades plus 1 impressive project/extracurricular per semester...it's a lot, and it's enough to open the doors to the next top-tier opportunities. Overuse the college's resources (counseling, office hours, tutoring, emailing professors, talking to alumni) until any problems that come up are fixed.

Second, I screwed up my relationships because I was fundamentally a people-pleaser. My positive qualities (success, prestige, hotness) were attractive, and I felt like I could slack off on these because I was in a relationship. When my girlfriend had a better option, she dumped me. Always be your woman's best option if you want her to stay around. And, if something bothers you, fix it! You are your own best therapist...if something bothers you it's probably because it needs fixing.

Third, stay on track after college. Not sure what your adult mentors/overlords expect from you but with your skills and work ethic plus some good choices you could retire at age 30 with $1.5 million in the bank. Being honest here: I'm overweight, single, and on track to retire at age 65. I can tell you that there's no joy in slacking off with the many easy processed experiences available to the masses. The happiest point in my life was probably my Freshman fall of college right before classes started, when I realized I had done what I set out to do 5 years ago, but before I realized I was caught between conflicting requests (from my college friends, girlfriends, and parents) and was on track to fall off the fast track. Always have an intelligent 5-year plan, follow it, and re-evaluate yearly. Seek a lot of blunt criticism from many people 10 years older than you who've done it before, to figure out what good options are.

Anyway...if you've already accepted a college's offer...drop most of your commitments to focus on a single project that you care a lot about and have final decision-making authority over / majority ownership of. Also reach out to graduates of your intended alma mater and other experienced professionals ~10 years ahead of you to make sure you understand what the options are and how to get where you want to go.

But dude, the work you've already done means your worst-case outcome is equal to most people's goal outcome, and your family will still love you even if you fail out. You've done good, and it gets better.

I think part of the problem is really that people are looking at only granular parts of problems today and don't have enough historical context. Its useless to follow every story about everyone and every little thing. There are lots of ups and downs in politics and there's no reason to be so reactionary to every single new and probably manufactured "scandal".... that's what's exhausting. I like to keep updated on a few big issues, I follow the careers of a few people I find inspiring (and follow a few that do things that worry me), and spend the rest of the time reading up on topics in book form... they have the advantage of being written over time, and with more vigorous standards for accuracy. The news, while still important where immediate info is necessary, is essentially click bait now. You don't need to get caught in the rip tides that pull you everywhere constantly, just understand the general trajectory of the important things.

edit: to those curious about some book recommendations: I'm by no means an expert in anything really, and the books you read should really be about the topics you personally are interested in, so don't take my word as gospel (or any author's). I like American history, ancient history, international relations, and though I think they're more boring I force myself to read about the health care system and the American education system because I feel they're important. I'm also looking to read some books on the military industrial complex and cyber security/ big data because I don't really know anything about them other than the stuff I see in passing on the news or here on Reddit. So if anyone knows a good overview of those issues, feel free to let me know.

• For a good start on human history and the beginnings of modern economics/ intl relations (basically why the West has historically dominated), try Guns, Germs, and Steel I believe there's also a documentary if the book is too dense for your taste (it is pretty dense).
  
  
• Perhaps if you're interested in why people get so damn heated talking politics, The Political Brain: The Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation
  
  
• If you wonder why people vote against their own social and economic interest: What's the Matter with Kansas? How Conservatives Won the Heart of America Full disclosure: I liked this book, but I lean left. I'm not sure if it matters, the point of the book is just to track how the Republican party went from being the party of elites, to the party of blue collar workers.
  
  
• If the Supreme Court interests you at all, I liked Jeffrey Toobin's, The Nine
  
  
• The achievement gap? Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria
  
  
• Health care? There's a lot, but this one is an easy read and it compares the systems of Britain, Japan, Germany, and I believe Cuba (which is very good for their GDP!) and the US's. The Healing of America: A Global Quest for Better, Cheaper, and Fairer Health Care by T.R. Reid
  
  This is just some stuff I've listed off the top of my head. Another thing that I find helpful to better understanding intl relations are books about the major genocides of the past few decades, which are hard to get through (because of the brutal content) but... What is the What (Sudan), First they killed my father (Cambodian genocide), Girl at War (more of a autobiography, but still chilling) there's a couple of others I've read that I can't remember now.
  
  Anyway, just go to Good Reads and look at Contemporary Politics. Perhaps Great Courses has a political philosophy course too that you can draw from if you wanna go even farther back into the origins of society's structure and political thought.
  
  Also podcasts! I've just discovered these but there's a lot of audio content (FREE!) that you can listen to on your commute and whatnot. I like Abe Lincoln's Top Hat right now.
  
  Edit edit: wow thanks for the gold!!

I put very little stock in the concept of gender, but I'll use whatever pronouns a person asks me to. Let's call it the "Don't Be An Asshole Principle" -- if something is important to someone else but not to you, respect the fact that they care about it, instead of treating everyone as if they share your values.

I find myself influenced by the book "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?", by Beverly Daniel Tatum. It's been more than a few years since I've read it, but the message I took away was about how much youth and teenage years are about finding our place in the world, how we fit into the fabric of society. To a degree this happens throughout life, though the most intense searching happens in those transition years, where we're becoming an adult.

I personally find the entire concept of gender about as useless as you find additional genders beyond male and female. The whole social construct seems pretty specious to me. But I recognize that it's a way of processing and making sense of the world, a way of finding our place and making peace with society; the concept is intended to reconcile the social baggage that comes with being "male" and "female" by creating a separate division from anatomical sex, so that they become separate axes, permitting people to find a description that seems to fit them more easily.

But again, I find it pretty empty. In my mind, gender is sort of like defining geeks vs goths vs jocks as a central and important part of a person's self-image. It's not a "real" axis, just a description of some social conventions, and it's by no means comprehensive of all human society. To me, someone who identifies as "agender" or otherwise rejects the standard gender dichotomy is doing nothing more than just rejecting the social conventions and expectations that come with being male or being female. It's like everyone wants to call them goth, but they really don't identify with that scene at all; they don't identify with any of the standard cliques, so they carve something out that they feel comfortable with, call it emo, and then ask others to respect that to help craft the expectations and assumptions others will have about them.

So I personally identify as cisgendered male, not because I put any stock in gender as an inherently extant thing which matters outside its presence as (what I perceive to be) a completely fake social category, but because others find it useful and they want to know how to treat me. I say treat me like all the other guys. Though I wouldn't really care if the treated me like a girl or something else because I don't give a shit.

The thing is, I also respect that it does matter to some people. They don't identify with the categories presented to them, and are alienated by the gender constructs that we've created as a society, so they're finding their place by defining new categories. I get that and I practice the non-asshole principle of respecting what is important to other people.

Well if you give him some control in the decision then he will be less oppositional, defiant, disobedient, passive aggressive etc. He is doing that for he thinks that is the only way to get what he wants for he feels he has no control in the situation and since you are his parents and its your way or the highway the only thing he feels he can do is "hit the brakes" and be a PITA. Your son may be great but even if he is the most awesome kid in the world sometimes your kid can wear down your patience :)

Once the kid understand that you share the same goals as him. You want him to succed, and you do not want him to drug him so he is not himself anymore he will be more receptiant to compromise since he understands you two share the same goals you just differ on the way to earn that goal.

And once you can assay his fears, for his fears are legitimate, but unlikely then he will be willing to try the medication. He has no clue what is the chance of those side effects happening, he is no medical expert, and you guys are no medical expert so outside experts such as a doctor that he feels is on his side (not his parents side but his side) as well as that ADHD expert I linked to will allow him to answers his legitimate fears, and once his fears are answered he will be willing to take a chance if you can also "sell the idea that meds will make his life easier and he will get more of what he really deep down wants."

Your son wants to succeed, he does not want to coast for the sake of coasting, he wants success but if success seems unlikely or requires so much effort that he feels exhausted he will give up for this is human nature, but ADHD people are much more sensitive of "mental exhaustion" for it is harder for us to refuel our own internal motivation.

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The person I linked to is one of the best ADHD experts out there, you can find many of his videos on youtube under Dr. Barkley. He also wrote a book called Your Defiant Teen, Second Edition: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship. It will help you speak with more empathy when you speak to your teen and via this everyone's life in the family will improve for we fight not because we hate the other person but because we love them but we also want our own personal goals and dreams.

Barkley also recommends the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.

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I wish your son the best, I have no doubt he is smart, but the times of middle school, high school, and college are the hardest times for an ADHD person for it is lot of skills you are just naturally not good at yet they are important and you can not run away from them like you can with a job. A job you need money but you get to choose the job that suits your talents. Only time that even compares to school years I listed are when an ADHD adult recently becomes a parent and they are overwhelmed by all the new work and responsibility and they have not yet adapted.

I highly recommend Boys Adrift, which has an entire chapter dedicated to video games.

Generally, the book addresses some of the reasons that boys have become disengaged from our modern culture and turned to video games as an outlet. The author is somewhat critical of games (based on the research), but nonetheless adopts a moderate approach. If I recall correctly, the author suggests that there is a clear and direct correlation between students who game over 6 hours per week and decreased academic performance. (The causation versus correlation point is not clear, but the evidence is nonetheless compelling.) Additionally, the author discusses different gaming genres and suggests that some are better than others.

I'm a former gamer myself who had to quit primarily due to family and relationship obligations. However, after reading this book and other resources, I've become more and more convinced that modern, competitive online games (particularly shooters, like Overwatch, my achilles heel) are grindy time sucks that are hard to put down. Although "skill-based" in the sense that you are developing skills to improve at the game, the competitive system effectively grades you on a curve, so it's a constant time-based arms race to maintain your position and increase your rank. That sense of improvement and achievement is what keeps you coming back for more, and it all takes time -- lots of it. And in the end, what do you have to show for it?

In moderation, games are fine, like all things. But these competitive online games do not encourage moderation. I'd tread carefully here. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further. I'd be curious to know what game it is that he's so fixated on playing more. I'd also want to understand why he wants to play more and what he is hoping to accomplish or seeking to achieve.

By far one of the nicest places on the nets: RAOA, I am pleased to announce 3 major projects, all realized and in active development per Reddit's TOP MEN (and women!):

In ACTIVE DEVELOPMENT:
A potential TV pilot (hint: a combo of some of your favorite actors/actresses from all over)

A March of Dimes potential benefit for a national scale (www.marchofdimes.com)

A potential TED/ TED X talk re: actual education on cyber bullying, something I (and, at large, all of us, do) have experience with. I wanted to provide noted Slate.com journalist Emily Bazelon an opportunity to do a public talk somewheres, and I have sent links to people in pretty high places.

I read, researched and devoured all significant content on a recent Clinical Psych paper; and wanted to provide informed and understanding people of the world with a great overview. I first heard of it on Fresh Air/some NPR program, and I said, hmm, I could approach her with something.

Link to Emily's Book

I've got a virtual creative soup goin' with some fine people in my extensive life experience. Fun fact: all of this was realized, relentlessly worked on inside of a week. I have had a great many awesome experiences; and I consider myself a Kerouac-esque devoted individual to many different disciplines. I even scored a dinner date with a lovely young PA that's 5 years older than I, but we are virtual equals intellectually.

Everyone that has been kind to me, it's time to give a little back to the world, a world that had somewhat "always hated me," you've "always been there" for me, and I feel "heaven blessed" to know some good people in the world.

I'd guess that I've found my grail after many years of consuming lots of different stuff.

Many thanks for the love I've gotten here,

B

Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto

The opening essay of this short read is a condemnation of traditional schooling techniques---and it's also the speech he delivered when he (again) won the NY Teacher of the Year award. Gatto gets at the heart of why public schools consistently produce pencil pushers, not leaders. Every teacher should read this book.

How to Survive in Your Native Land by James Herndon

If Dumbing Us Down is the manifesto in favor of a more liberal pedagogy, Herdon's book is a memoir of someone trying to put that pedagogy in action. It's also a simple, beautiful easy to read book, the kind that is so good it reminds us just how good a book can be. I've read the teaching memoir that made Jonahton Kozol famous, this one is better.

The Montessori Method by Maria Montessori

In the early 1900s, Maria Montessori taught literacy to children that society had otherwise assumed were unreachable. She did this by using the scientific method to study each child's learning style. Some of what she introduced has been widely incorporated (like child-sized furniture) and some of it seems great but unworkable in overcrowded schools. The bottom line is that the Montessori method was one of the first pedagogical techniques that was backed by real results: both in test scores and in growing kids that thrive on learning and participation.

"Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?": A Psychologist Explains the Development of Racial Identity by Beverly Daniel Tatum

While not precisely a book on how to teach, this book is incredibly helpful to any teacher working with a diverse student population, or one where the race they are teaching differs from their own. It explains the process that white, black, and children of other races go through in identifying themselves as part of a particular race. In the US, race is possibly the most taboo subject, so it is rare to find a book this honest and straightforward on a subject most educators try not to talk about at all. I highly recommend this book.

If there is any chance you will be teaching history, definitely read:

Lies My Teacher Told Me and A People's History of the United States (the latter book is a classic and, personally, changed my life).

Also recommend: The Multi-player Classroom by Lee Sheldon and Teach Like a Champion by Doug Lemov

Finally, anyone who plans to teach math should read this essay, "Lockhart's Lament" [PDF at the bottom of the page].

PS, I was tempted to use Amazon affiliate links, but my conscious wouldn't let me.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is well-established as the most effective treatment for anxiety disorders, including social anxiety. I would look for a therapist specializing in CBT; it may be a good idea for him to go back on medication to augment the therapy, but it also may not be necessary. In the meantime you could check out a CBT-based workbook such as The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, or if you think the anxiety issues are more general, you might try The Anxiety Workbook for Teens, The Anxiety Survival Guide for Teens, or My Anxious Mind: A Teen's Guide to Handling Anxiety and Panic. He will have much more success though working through something like this with a therapist, so I would suggest looking for one as soon as possible. It sounds like he may have some work to do rebuilding his self-esteem as well, which makes sense if he's been so isolated.

The other issue though is that it sounds like your son is reluctant to seek treatment. Do you get the sense that he's just given up because the meds didn't help, or he doesn't think this is a big deal, or he's gotten comfortable with the way things are and isn't motivated to change? He needs to have some autonomy in this and be invested in his own treatment for it to be effective. I would tell him you've heard about a very well-researched treatment that helps a lot of teens deal with their anxiety (CBT), and that you'd like him to try seeing someone who specializes in it a few times and see what he thinks. Find a few CBT therapists in your area (you might try the Psychology Today website directory or findcbt.org), ideally ones that specialize in working with young adults, and let him choose who he'd like to try seeing. If he doesn't click with the therapist after 3 or 4 sessions, he can try someone else.

You may also need to step back a bit in terms of the ways you're enabling his avoidance behavior - things like driving him everywhere so he doesn't have to get his license. You can point out to him that he won't be able to live at home forever, so you'd like him to start working on some skills for independent living. A therapist will be able to advise you on finding a balance between pushing him a bit while staying supportive. And of course keep making it clear to him that you're proud of his academic achievements and many other great qualities, so that he doesn't start feeling like too much of a failure or disappointment to his parents. Good luck to you and him!

Louis CK addresses this question more concisely than I will be able to here. John Scalzi also explains it using exceedingly nerd-friendly language.

It sounds like you are pretty new to deeply thinking about issues of racism; I commend you for seeking to learn more, and recommend you start with some reading. Why are all the Black kids sitting together in the cafeteria? is a particularly accessible and informative introduction to issues of race and racism in the US. The New Jim Crow is also great, it thoroughly and clearly demonstrates the racism inherent in the current US criminal justice system, and is a great illustration of how contemporary racism is less about individual bigots and more about institutions that systematically oppress people of color.

Here is how I have found it helpful to think about issues of race and racism, as a White person: I think it is easiest to explain using a different form of privilege as an example – being able bodied. I am an able-bodied person, which means I experience the world a certain way. I don’t really notice if any of the doors I go through have a button to automatically open them, or if I have to go up a step to get into a store, or if there’s enough room between tables at a restaurant I’m in for a wheelchair to navigate. I don’t have to notice those things as I go about my business – they aren’t relevant to my life, so why would I? I am operating in a world that was built by people like me for people like me, which means it is very easy for me to live my life in it. But for someone in a wheelchair, all those doors and steps and aisles I blithely walk through actually do present a big problem to their ability to live life as they want. That doesn’t mean it’s my fault, or the fault of other able-bodied people, every time a building doesn’t have a handicapped accessible entrance. For the most part we didn’t build this world, we inherited it. But it does mean that when someone, or a lot of someones, who are differently abled than I am raise an issue as a problem for them, I have a responsibility to listen to them, and trust that they know their own lives and experiences better than I do.

In many ways, being white in America is like being able-bodied. The systems I operate in were designed by people like me, and the majority of them are still run by people like me. It would be really easy for me to live my life oblivious to the fact that people who look different than me have a very different experience of America than I do. The only reason I know that’s not the case is because I’ve spent years working with and becoming friends with and caring about people who don’t share my race and class (I work in public education in a large urban school district). I see my male students get stopped and frisked for no reason other than they are Latino males. I see them get followed around by suspicious security personnel when I take them on field trips to public places, in a way that I have never in my life been followed. I’ve seen my Black colleagues have to present ID or additional proof to gain admittance to places that I don’t (most recent example would be when checking into a hotel for a conference, I just had to give my name, my colleague had to present ID). The list goes on. Any one of these things in isolation would be easy to brush off, but the fact that they happen over and over and over again makes it impossible to pretend it’s a racially neutral coincidence. And I know I am only seeing a small glimpse of the picture, because at the end of the day I’m still not experiencing any of this directly, I’m only witnessing it – and I’m sure there are plenty of times when I don’t even notice because it is so routine.

The fact that we live in a systematically racist country is hard to accept, because we all want to believe that we are in sole control of our own destinies – I worked hard to be successful, therefore anyone who struggles must not be working hard enough, right? If I still just interacted with my own family and the people I went to school with – people who, like me, are all white, middle class, college educated, straight, and able bodied – I’m sure I would think that way too. But the more time I spend with people outside of my own demographics, the more impossible it becomes to pretend my naïve version of reality is all there is. Again, that doesn’t mean institutional racism is my fault, it just means that I have a responsibility to learn from people who are different than me and from their experiences, and to do what I can to make it better – hence my choice to work in public education, which is possibly the least lucrative option I could have chosen after graduating MIT. But I love my work and feel lucky that I get to do it, because I believe it brings us one step closer to an America that lives up to its promise of equality for all citizens, and I can’t imagine anything more worthwhile.

That isn't what racism is. Racism is prejudice or discrimination rooted in a belief of superiority of one race over another. That there are differences in the world navigated by black people and the work navigated by white people that puts different standards on behavior isn't racist, it's culturally responsive.

We all navigate our personal worlds recognising that there are groups we are part of and groups that we are not,and adjust our behavior accordingly. You speak differently with your friends than with your parents, and cringe when your parents try to speak with you and your friends the way way you do, because it rings false, coming across as them play-acting at being part of your group. Parents tpyically love their kids to death, and kids love their parents, but your parents and your friends are different. And you may see your black and white friends as just your friends, but I guarantee your black friends see you as their white friend, because your life is not their life and your culture is not their culture. In the same manner, a rich kid may just have friends, one of whom is poor, but guaranteed that poor person views them as their rich friend, different from their other friends. This is part of the way in which privilege plays out. Those with it often don't recognize its role in insulating them from harsher aspects of life common to those without it.

The N-word was and is used to denigrate and dehumanize blacks by whites. The current internal use of it in black culture can be viewed as a cultural identifier that says, "Hey, we're in this together, dealing with the past and currentjust trying to live our lives while a lot of white people still don't see us as individuals, but just another, n-word." You aren't part of that culture and can't be, because society at large doesn't view you as black or treat you as such. So you don't get to play you are and then complain that people are being racist when they tell you you're acting inappropriately at best, and veering towards abetting racism.

They may tell you they don't sit in the student section because it isn't cool, but the deeper reason is that they probably don't feel comfortable. There are a lot of reasons that could exist for that. What percentage of your school's teachers are black? What percentage of the administrators are black? What percentage of your student government is black? Does your school have a dress code that specifically targets dress or hairstyles common within their communities? Being a majority isn't what matters. What matters is having a voice, having a say, and having ownership. You see it as your school, but do they, or is it just a school that they attend.

You should read, Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria: and other conversations about race.

Does she like to read? Is she trying to figure these things out on her own? 14 years old is tough on its own with the hormones, but adding anxiety and depression she is likely just a whirlwind of emotions and life probably feels very chaotic for her. I can tell you what I wish somebody had done for me at that age- books, a nice journal with a nice pen, and a creative outlet of sorts.

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul might sound a little cheesy but those books are full of inspirational stories that she may or may not relate to. If she is wanting to try to figure a lot of this stuff out on her own, there are workbooks for depression and anxiety that may help. I would have loved to have some of those back then. A quick search on Amazon found this and this.
A journal to write out her feelings privately. And find out if she is into drawing, painting, beading, something like that.... something she can focus on when she is overwhelmed.

Other than that, don't smother her, let her know beyond a doubt that you guys are there for her when she is ready to reach out, and otherwise give her the space she needs to deal with everything on her plate.

What a great thing for you to be so supportive. That's the most important thing right there, unwavering support.

Reviving Ophelia is the first book I ever read about some of the differences men and women face in society.

It's pretty dated now, but the main concepts hold up very well. I recommend it to many of my female friends, and most of them have told me they wish they'd read it earlier.

I always smile when I think of it, too. Somehow, it got shipped to my unit when I was in the military and deployed. Who the hell would even think to donate that book to a platoon of Marine grunts? We actually had some pretty good discussions start - but they usually degenerated into talking about how much we wanted to get laid. None of us had seen a woman who spoke English in six months or so.

Anyway - read it. It's good.

Here’s a couple of books that will give you strategies to be a more effective educator, especially with low-income students. Realistically the strategies are great for any kid, as all kids can use some support and empathy from the adults in the lives.

“Reading and Reaching Children Who Hurt” by Susan E. Craig - How to more effectively teach children who have experienced trauma (Adverse Childhood Experiences). His experience is the goal of the strategies given in the book. (Amazon) I haven’t read it, but she also has two more recent books, “Trauma Sensitive Schools” K-5 and 6-12

Trauma Sensitive Schools: Approaches that Work - A project by the Massachusetts Advocates for Children and Harvard Law School has free books (downloadable pdf). One focused on the background and the second is about implementing a school-wide approach.

“Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria” by Dr. Beverly Tatum - Covers the theory of racial identity development and how to support positive racial identity in an educational setting. (Amazon)

It's not a children's book, but there is a great book for parents (and anyone) called "Why are all the black kids sitting together at the cafeteria?" it's a very easy read that gives great examples for teaching race/racism in the USA to your kids and other adults too. I highly recommend it!

Initially this seemed to read like old news. There exists literature in psychology about identity development (Beverly Tatum's Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? covers childhood and developmental psychology very well) but I suppose adult, post-formed identity is new territory.

Tatum cites work done by William Cross on racial identity development that explains why some Blacks would be happier. When trying to assimilate into white normative culture, there is a form of self-repression. There can also be anger at a society that wants you to assimilate but will never accept you. The only thing that can make someone happy in this situation is to embrace the identity that society forces upon them and making it a positive thing.

r/psychology's out-of-hand dismissal was rather surprising, but then again, I don't know how many of the commenters are academic or practicing psychologists, or just pop-(or worse, evo-)psych enthusiasts. The op did have some interesting comments regarding hir multiracial children.

Thank you for your comment. It is very illuminating and I think there are some similarities and lessons we can take from each other.

If you're still interested, a great comparative study of teen sexuality in the Netherlands and the US was recently published. It's written by a Harvard-trained sociologist, and for me it was certainly very informative; it really focuses on the parent-teenager dynamic, specifically how it's relatively acceptable for Dutch teens to spend a night in the house, and bed, of their boyfriend or girlfriend, while that's almost universally unthinkable in North America. (As a Canadian teenager, I got it for my parents this Christmas, trying to encourage them to take a more... Dutch-influenced approach.) There's also a lengthy section about, historically speaking, why the Netherlands is a lot more forward-thinking about sexuality than the US, while it was much more conservative only 50-60 years ago.

Because of the nature of the subreddit, I feel I have to ask: has it been your experience as a Dutch person that a sleep-over with a romantic partner, even during the teenage years, is relatively acceptable?

I also liked Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World. There are quite a few helpful books in the "how to parent tween/teen girls" genre, the only challenge for me is filtering out those that are explicitly Christian...every one of those I've read was unbearably sexist, traditional, and treated girls as precious little flowers that must be protected from themselves. That's just not the world I want my kids to live in, so you have to read lots of reviews or skim copies in the library to make sure the overall orientation of the book is consistent with your family's core values and perspectives on things like gender roles, sexuality, etc.

I...wasn't expecting to find myself talking to a reasonable person on Reddit. I'm a little scared, now.

> Well it seems like I have to read a bit more about nature vs. nurture.

Unfortunately the nature/nurture debate is rife with gender ideologues (feminists, antifeminists, etc) and that makes it difficult to wade through what we're told and discern what is true, and what is not. When someone comes out and says "women usually prefer X, because of biological characteristic Y, they're often criticized as being called sexist (as the Telegraph article linked above demonstrates). This has lead to a lot of bad research getting put forth as "fact".

My general rule of thumb? If it is unflattering toward men/women then it's probably true. For example: "Men have a greater tendency toward violence than women". This is both unflattering, and true. Or, "women generally prefer men who have higher income/social standing than their own when it comes to partner selection". This is also unflattering, and (usually) true.

> having different standards for female and male education

Different standards, certainly not. The sticky subject comes up when we examine how education has undergone a change in the last 30 years which has increasingly favored the way that girls learn and put how boys learn at a disadvantage. I recommend reading Boys Adrift if you'd like to know more.

If you are interested in further reading on these subjects in general I suggest the following people, topics, and resources:

• Steven Pinker
  
• Gaad Saad
  
• Evolutionary Psychology (just make sure you're reading from actual scientists, and not some guy with a blog making far flung conclusions based on said research).
  
• The Red Queen
  
• Michael Gurian
  
  As for the pay gap, here is an article from the Huffington Post which will give you a good start on a deeper understanding of why it exists and why "sexism" is not the cause.
  
  Have a great day!

Age, up to a point is quite important. Piaget stages of development cover this quite strongly as there are points where children and adolsecnents are unable to 'critically think' as well as a fully development adult. Indeed you can look at correlations between moralistic development and critical thinking development and some argue that some people never reach the higher tiers of either of these.

As for after these phases I would agree re: life experience, I don' think people are talking down in this case but take a tried and true example of 'first love' - almost everyone goes through that experience of being with 'the one' and having their heart broken, and although you can explain it logically and the process that comes after it often is very hard to conceptualise it on a personal level without having experienced it.

If you more interested I suggest this book: http://www.amazon.com/Developmental-Psychology-Critical-Thinking-ebook/dp/B005CH00LU

This isn't really an answer to your question, but it's a great resource: Emily Bazelon wrote a great book on the subject called Sticks and Stones. It's smart, thoughtful, and tries to define bullying as something that requires both a power imbalance between parties and repetition. Bazelon also argues that you need consistent voices from adults stating that real bullying isn't normal, isn't acceptable, and can often have long lasting consequences for everyone involved. A great read.

>I never knew life could be so different for an attractive woman. On the other hand, i rather not have everyone in my surroundings have hidden agendas so i guess she is a victim of that stuff also.

Women learn/are conditioned to capitalize off of shit like this at a young age. Take a look at how a young girl (say... 10 years old or so) asks her father for something and then compare that to how they ask their mother for something. With their father they will act shy and vulnerable in need of "rescuing"... and with their mother they will play around with their egos with something like "Jenny's mom is so cool she... (add generic compliment)." Somewhere down the road "Jenny's mom bought her this beautiful sweater. Jenny is so lucky."

Dr. Leonard Sax has written extensively on this subject in his books Boys Adrift and Girls On The Edge - great reads that I highly recommend.

This does not necessary have anything to do with sex but more to do with a more basic primitive necessity of external affirmation and validation. To spite all of our attempts at social engineering the reality is that we as a society still default to our primitive imperative. A man/boy's value is based on how well he can provide for and/or protect... and a woman/girl's value is based on how desirable she is and/or how competent of a mother/mate she is.

I have found Children's Solution Work (solution-focused therapy) and Playful Approaches to Serious Problems (narrative therapy) to be helpful! This online training for trauma-focused CBT is free, comprehensive, and provides a lot of sample scripts for conversations with kids and parents, which I love.

I think him finding a therapist specifically who is Black will be a big thing for him - he needs a mentor who understands what being Black in America is like, and while you can be supportive and uplifting (and that's awesome!), you just don't have that experience.

Some coworkers in the African American Employee Support Group at my work recommended this book as well - https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617, it might help (for both you to read as well as for him)

Most of us are taught to put other people's feeling's above our own. To diminish ourselves, to wait patiently for what we want, to not be insistent, to be happy with what we get, to share our sandwich, our toys, our clothes, etc, which is a good thing, in part. On the other hand, when we complain that someone isn't sharing their toys, their sandwiches, their clothes, we are told not to be greedy and be nice. Not to raise our voice, to be polite. "What is everybody going to think, look how dirty you are. No, you can't go play sports because your dress will be dirty. Don't go to the store with this hair all messy." Most of us are not encouraged to play competitive sports, but group activities based on solidarity and team work rather than competition, where again, we will have to shut up about our opinions and wants for the "greater need of the group." Basically we are told to be visually and emotionally pleasing all the time, and years of that usually takes it toll. Then when we get tired and start saying "this is not fair", we are trouble makers, the drama queens. Later on, we are the bitches. Fuck forbid we ever ask for a raise, that's greedy (share your sandwich, eat the smaller piece quietly, make everybody happy, even if you're not) Obviously, these are very simplistic, generic examples. I didn't want to give you my personal examples and my friends and 2X members experience because it can always be argued that my personal experience doesn't reflect everybody else's, which is true to a certain extent, and I don't want to tell you to "trust me on that one" either, but I am very surprised that this is news for anyone. So, if your question is genuine and you want more insight on the subject, I recommend this book.

With the caveat that I haven't read any of these yet, but when I found out I was having a boy I looked for similar recommendations and this is my reading list:

• Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men
  
• Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood
  
• Boys Adrift
  
• Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
  
• The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must Do
  
• It's a Boy!: Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18
  
  (I got caught up in reading childbirth and infant care books, which seem more pressing. If anyone has actually read any of these, I'd love to hear your opinions, especially if it can help me prioritize them.)

I have just finished reading The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids which spells out pretty much exactly what this article was talking about but with stats and data to back up what Levine said. I found the book extremely readable and interesting...I think the debate is fascinating and, although I did not fully agree with everything in the book, it was, for me, definitely worth reading.

here's the link to the amazong page:

http://www.amazon.com/Price-Privilege-Advantage-Generation-Disconnected/dp/006059585X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421038389&sr=8-1&keywords=price+of+privilege

Doesn't bother me, honestly. Most people around that age want nothing more than to be responsible for themselves. You can't have that, then play the victim card in the same breath. If someone around that age thinks it's in their best interest to fuck a 70 year old, power to them. It doesn't really make a difference in the grand scheme of life either way, until people start making a big deal out of it and making them feel bad about it.

To me books like this have some real merit behind them, when you consider how disjointed our current view of adolescence is from how it was historically and evolutionarily. Take someone who, from an evolutionary standpoint, is trying as hard as possible to be impactful and validated, and treat them like children, and what you're left with are rebellious assholes.

I think it's important to acknowledge that, historically, humans lived about 30 years, and to consider that when you decide how to size up an adolescent's capacity for being responsible for themselves.

Here's an article by the same guy that goes over the same issues.

I'm in the same boat as you, so I don't have any experience, but I do have the same concerns. In the research I've done it seems there are pros and cons to both having siblings, and being an only child. There is a good chapter in book NurtureShock about the issue.

One example in the book is the idea that children with siblings develop better social skills. The evidence suggests that siblings do help each other develop some good social skills, But they can also develop many bad social skills (because the little sister will still be around tomorrow even if big brother is mean today). It take only children longer to develop their good social skills, but they tend to develop fewer bad social skills (because if they are not nice to the other kid on the playground, she'll just go play with some other kid).

Basically, any factor they tried to objectively measure turned out to be a wash.

I'd invite you to read this book: http://amzn.com/0465083617

You'll notice that it's not about gender, so you can rest assured that you're not reading feminist ideology, something I'm sure you'd chafe at the thought of.

But systemic advantage is certainly real, and certainly colors your perception of even something as seemingly fundamental as "logic."

The book NurtureShock has a chapter on language development, and one of the studies they refer to found that that kind of repetition helps children learn language. In this case, your daughter hears that "your" = "Zoey's", "Zoey's feet" = "they", "where" and "there" and "found" are related, etc, and she figures out grammar, verb conjugation, etc through this way of speaking.

The whole chapter -- well, the whole book -- is packed with fascinating discoveries like this and I highly recommend it.

It is possible to do some modified CBT work with this population if they will write. They could start with a book such as The Anxiety Workbook for Teens. I've also had kids who, as long as they can identify the problem they're having, can make progress toward fighting anxiety in a functional way. I had a student with SM who would freeze and refuse to engage in any part of gym class, which they had daily. It followed the same structure each day (line up, change, warm up, activity, cool down, change), and the activity changed weekly. We broke it down where I asked how anxious he was on a scale of 1-5 about each step of the class, and all he had to do was hold up his fingers to give a number. Turned out, he was totally fine with most steps except for changing in front of others, which was an easy fix (allowed him to change in the bathroom) and the actual performing of the activity. Through lots of yes/no questioning we figured out that he was worried because the activity changed and he didn't feel like he knew what to expect and was afraid he would make a mistake. By working through that, he was able to start participating in everything (changing, warm-ups, cool-down), and when it came time for the activity he would watch the first and second day, and try to participate the last few days. It didn't always work, but it often did. The problem is, this approach takes a LOT of intensive work, and most school-based mental health personnel either aren't trained or don't have the time to put in this kind of work.

I also had some success with a lower functioning teenage student with SM and anxiety who wasn't great with writing. We created a simple worksheet where he would circle how he felt that week out of a bunch of Boardmaker faces, write down something he did like and something he didn't like from that week (with a separate sheet with prompts for location, people, and other things that could help him find the words, and sometimes he'd just point to one and I'd write it for him), and then circle a strategy that could make him feel better in a situation like that.

Thanks for the book suggestions! (If you use the formatting help button (to the right of the "save" button) you can add hyperlinks to your titles. In your case: Boys Adrift and Girls On The Edge.) Cheers!

I have said this before on this subreddit, but it bears repeating: listen to her. The moments she wants to communicate with you will become fewer and further between, so when she does, drop what you're doing and listen.

Don't judge, don't offer unasked-for advice, and no matter how much you want to, resist the urge to "fix" her problems for her. "Let me tell you what you should do..." Etc. Just listen. Make the occasional comment like, "That sounds really tough" or "That must have been frustrating for you" or "I'm sorry you had to go through that, honey."

Believe me, her knowing that you are listening, that you care enough to sympathise? Worth its weight in gold.

If you really feel like committing, there's a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes that delves deeply into girl world psyche. Tina Fey used it to write Mean Girls, but comedy aside, it's pretty spot on, if a little dated now.

I haven't read it yet, but Mean Girls is based on a book: Queen Bees and Wannabes

I've heard good things about the book. Maybe it could be helpful to her?

Hi there,

When you say 'under privilaged' and mention that you are white - I assume you are about to work with a population that is primarily not white.

If that is the case, you have a very real challenge ahead of you - the challenge of recognizing and addressing your own biases before entering the classroom.

Teachers often unintentionally create classrooms full of bias and environments for negative 'self-fulfilling prophecies' for certain students. It is best to be very intentional about avoiding these common pitfalls from the start.

I'd recommend these books as a good place to start:

Other Peoples Children

Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together....

For White Folks Who Teach In The Hood...

I strongly recommend Dr. Leonard Sax's book "Boys Adrift."

http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100

Especially for any fathers here, concerned about these excellent points raised by JayGatsbyFan.

Academic research would agree with you. A good book called Not Under My Roof is a good study of it.

edit: a word.

I'm reading this book called Geeks shall inherit the Earth and it's a great insight onto how kids are treated and how adolescent society functions when in school. The author summarizes it by basically saying that kids make fun of each someone because they fail to conform to standards set by other kids. Traits that make a kid "unpopular" are usually praised in the world outside of school

The education system is failing our boys and young men. Because it is primarily run by women, the education system is tilted to benefit typical female learning abilities, while chastising the boys' way of learning. We can see the results of such a system today. Boys are significantly more prone to drop out of high school and college. The female population in most universities is much higher than that of males. Here's the kicker: a lot of universities have programs and departments that are set up to help women go to college and stay in college--but these opportunities do not exist for men.

This book outlines perfectly well the problem and it proposes a few solutions. However, these solutions cannot come into place, unless we as a society get to work together to change the system.
http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100

These two books will give you interesting ides which will further your investigation into this topic. Some Psych, some social commentary, some sociology, some political commentary. All are worthwhile and will help you break open the subject matter.

http://www.amazon.com/Talk-About-Race-Conversations-Resegregation/dp/0807032840

http://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I know Martin King Whyte talks some about the changes in dating in the United States in relationship to larger societal tends.

You also may want to look into the book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth by Alexandra Robbins. This is focused much more on cliques in high school and how the type of characteristics that lead to success in life after high school are the same characteristics that cause high schoolers to be excluded.

Also, you may want to look into some of Cherlin's work on the history of the family and the de-institutionalization of the family.

I'm reading a book called Nurtureshock right now (now that I'm a parent) that begins with a chapter that goes a long way to explaining this phenomenon. Citing several studies, they say that kids who are praised for being innately smart suffer many problems in comparison to those who are praised for working hard. It is especially problematic for trying something you aren't naturally good at (which after a certain point is almost everything). If you were praised for being smart, you don't want to take the chance of failing at the new thing and proving that it was all a big mistake and you're not actually smart at all. On the other hand, if you were praised for being hard-working, trying to learn new things with the inevitable failings only proves that the people who praised you were right and you continue to be hard-working.

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Realities/dp/0307454444

Rosalind Wiseman's book is super helpful. It's what Mean Girls was (loosely) based on.

Then let me hijack your comment to recommend the book "Boys Adrift" by Leonard Sax (The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men).

He talks about the lack of motivation in males and brings it down to a few key points (that include over-medication).

As a father of a three year old boy, this book has been really informative (just the right amount of science for me!) and I recommend it for other parents and potential-parents (don't drink from plastic bottles while you're pregnant with a boy!)

If you're in you're under 30 and lack motivation, it might be worth finding enough to at least listen to it on Audible. If you prefer dead-trees or bits, it's on Amazon.

Get the book Queen Bees and Wannabees.

It will really help you. And then you will be able to help her.

I almost never do a 'book' answer to these types of questions, but i really must recommend this one.

GREAT Book that discusses this phenomena:

http://www.amazon.com/Guyland-Perilous-World-Where-Become/dp/0060831340/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221058410&sr=8-1

Guyland really explores the cultural and social issues that are shaping this subject.

Check out NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children where they devote the whole first chapter to this subject. It's a fascinating read, especially for new parents.

:) It's Queen Bee, just FYI
https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Realities/dp/0307454444

This is the book that Mean Girls was based on - a self-help book, of all things!

>It is just as possible (if not more possible) that the children formed their opinions on life experiences.

That article is an excerpt from a book that contains more material and citations about that topic. If you're interested in the background of the study, it might be worth picking up the book or skimming through the Amazon "Click to Look Inside".

> All I'm proposing is that we treat impolite children like impolite children

Interesting that you are linking the lack of a "thank you" to being impolite.

>We NEVER hire someone based on race, religion, creed, gender, etc. However, we DO look for people that add diversity AND have the qualifications

Good to hear, because that is exactly how affirmative action programs in the USA are supposed to work.

>The problem comes when companies say "we need to hire a black guy"

Than that company is breaking the law, same as if they say "we don't want to hire that guy with the black-sounding name."

NurtureShock is less about raising a newborn as it is overall child development. If they like analytical books with studies behind what they say, it is a good read.

http://www.amazon.ca/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122

I agree that The Myth of Male Power is basically the MRM bible - read it first. However, my favorite book - by far - is Is There Anything Good About Men?: How Cultures Flourish by Exploiting Men. Also, if you have a young boy I suggest Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men for it's medical advice.

Link was deleted, but if you want a good (recent) read on the subject of masculinity and male group mentalities try Guyland

BTW, the best book I've read so far:
http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

It's a discussion about the role of self-segregation in the formation of identity. While it's primarily about race, you can also apply the ideas in the book to the formation of gender identity, religious identity, and various subculture identities. It ties in very well with the adolescent stage of Erikson's psychosocial development theory.

Read Boys Adrift by Dr. Leonard Sax. It's an amazing book on the subject. He has one called Girls on the Edge that I just started and it's killing my heart.

The Case Against Adolescence by Robert Epstien educated me on the potential of every young adult and Just Don't Fall by Josh Sundquist inspired me in a time when I really needed it.

Edit: Added links

I'd like a breakdown by language skills. (furthermore, I am disappointed by the overall lack of depth of the study.)

We all know the announcers are just chewing the fat up there, rarely offering any real analysis or insight. But I'd hypothesize they are more willing to praise somebody for "intangibles" if they talk to them frequently and have a good relationship. Basically, are the announcer and player on friendly speaking terms?

What this indicates is not the overt racism one may think the article is talking about.

Rather, the more subtle racism where the language barrier means a de facto segregated team and extended team-associated personnel. The situation reminds me of the book: Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?

https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

Or you could get it free on audible.

I dunno... when shit like this flies off the store shelves, you have to wonder at how man-hating is just so good for business. If you don't believe me, take a look at any couple shown on a commercial or a sitcom and tell me these stereotypes aren't being played for all they're worth!

>I don't see how that matters

If you don't understand why this matters, I would suggest you read up on race relations and the cause and effect of modern day segregation. A good starting point on this is this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?

Yes means yes

these two should be a great starting place, dealing with racism and sexism respectively.

Good.
Here's some links:
http://www.youthrights.org/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Americans_for_a_Society_Free_from_Age_Restrictions

Robert Epstein:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200703/trashing-teens


https://www.amazon.com/Case-Against-Adolescence-Rediscovering-Adult/dp/188495670X

1,000,001 upvotes for you.

A good book related to raising children that includes the info from the first link: Nurtureshock (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0446504122) and other info based on research; not anecdotes.

(Typing on my phone)

The author expanded this into NurtureShock which I can highly recommend. It's a primer on evidence-based parenting.

I recommend checking out the book 'Nurture Shock'

I would recommend that you try Rosalind Wiseman's first book on raising adolescents, Queen Bees and Wannabees. Which I haven't read, because mine are both boys. However I've recently read her boy oriented book, Masterminds and Wingmen, and it has been the most insightful thing I've found for this stage. http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Realities/dp/0307454444/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1427766012&sr=8-2&keywords=masterminds+and+wingmen+by+rosalind+wiseman

> I think the concept of citing academia when it comes to things like racism is quite laughable. Not too long ago academia was rife with white supremacist notions - eugenics, etc.

This is a large part of the reason there is a push for different definitions of racism. The colloquial definition is one that has been shaped by a history of racism. This is to the benefit of white people as it allows us to call people racist right back when they do such uppity things as demanding equality. The push for different definitions isn't coming from (though it is supported by) white people.

> I think that not too long (hopefully) from now people will look back on this age of instituting segregated spaces for POC (at some campuses)

White people have their own safe spaces. They're called "everywhere". Sometimes dissenting opinion is useful. Most of the time dissenting opinion is people who lack background coming in and discussing things that have already been beaten to death as though they're an enlightened genius. So it's useful to ensure discussion is kept at a certain level. You wouldn't want a professor to have to waste time explaining 1+1=2 in a calculus course; black people don't want to always have to explain their racial experiences to sea lions. Or if the comic doesn't do it for you, here's a slightly higher level source.

> especially in regards to the lack of utility to amending the definition, and the inconsistency it brings

I don't entirely disagree that there's not a lot of utility in it, but so long as people are clear with their terminology I'm not going to complain.

> especially young, white, middle+ class women are advantaged in society

Well, being young, white, middle+ class puts you at an advantage over many people on its own. That's why modern feminism is all about intersectionalism. Compared to men in the same boat, though, women have two options: use their looks to get ahead in the job market, or fight against unconscious (or sometimes conscious) biases that still exist from people who are hiring. One option is direct oppression, the other option is timegated, leads to a limited set of careers (aka their choices are oppressed), and is fueled by the sexual desires of richer men (aka no equality under capitalism).

> disproportionate sentences, extreme bias in familial matters

Feminism tends to be in favour of prison reform. That is, lower sentences for all. And thanks to the many axises on which somebody can be oppressed, it is possible for both men and women to be oppressed simultaneously; feminism acknowledges this. That's where the phrase "toxic masculinity" comes from. Men still control the bulk of the money, and we're good / the particularly rich are really good at using it to oppress ourselves via law creation / enforcement, and via use of violence.

Bias in family court isn't seen as a positive. It's seen as nonsense that society still thinks women are caregivers. Being a caregiver isn't a lucrative position to be in.

> current enrollment rates in academia being way higher than men

Enrollment rates in engineering, computer science, and business are abysmal, though. Bottom line is that - whatever the reasons - men are still the people in society making money. Additionally, going back to the class thing again, men who can't hack it in university can make money in a variety of manly men professions that aren't easily available to women.

> I don't even think it touches affirmative action, or social double standards which benefit women.

Affirmative action doesn't benefit women. It counteracts unconscious bias against women (or more typically people of colour). Resume studies continue to show that that bias exists.

I'll preface this by saying I went to a Catholic high school:

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum

As a "lily white boy" growing up in suburbia, this was very much an eyeopener for me. The reason I prefaced the Catholic high school was because it was assigned for my junior year Theology class whose subject material was "Catholic Social Teaching".

Very nice list!

I would add Peg Tyre, a self-proclaimed feminist, who discovered this very thesis (the learning gap) because she was raising boys. Book is titled The Trouble with Boys.

If you want to hear more about Dutch vs. US views of sex, check out this book at your local library!

Queen Bees and Wannabes - The book "Mean Girls" was inspired by. I really wish it had existed when I was in school. Helpful for both young adults and their parents.

Girl, Interrupted isn't a self-help book, but it helped me to deal with/accept mental illness.

For an in-depth discussion on this, you might want to read Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria

this one! http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122

there's a chapter in there about it

Recently read "Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?"
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

It may not be what you're looking for, but it goes into depth about racial identity for various races.

Queen Bees and Wannabes

Perhaps you could [read the non-fiction book] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307454444/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_XVf8BbKESD2WM) Mean Girls is based on.

There is a book by a Dr. Sax called "Boys Adrift" that had a lot of research about this subject.

http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376947109&sr=8-1&keywords=boys+adrift

http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122

NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children

Parenting From the Inside Out

The Whole-Brained Child

Better book, more citations, more research, less anecdotes.

They go into this "chance of getting away with it" in Nurture Shock

For more on this, check Po Bronson's EXCELLENT new book

Honestly, what you are going through is a normal stage of identity development. You are disoriented and self conscious, and I'm guessing you feel guilty for things other men do.

Feminists don't want you to stay in this state if for no other reason than that it is unproductive. We also don't want you to veer into anger and bitterness.

One of the best books on identity development is Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria . I highly recommend that you read this book, and learn about healthy identity development from someone who has guided tens of thousand of people through the process. She focuses on race, but her work is also applicable to gender.

Someone told you a lot of cops fear for their lives because of that statistic? I'd say you can safely disregard anything else that person says about race and criminal justice in America. Police are just one piece in dealing with Black crime.
Here's a great book to get you started.

https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

> Teachers and parents may spot for signs to indicate that a child is gifted and it is often spotted at an early age in preschool

Research has shown that you "cant" spot gifted kids at early ages. Instead they are misidentified since they experience a cognitive growth before their peers. This is classic extrapolation and all the teachers that fall for this should have their grades in any statistics class changed to an "F" and if required, any degrees revoked.

Now, as a child that was selected as "gifted" I actually came to resent the designation. When your young adults are soooo impressed. As you get older your parents get mad at you for acting like a dumb-ass kid. "We expected something dumb like that from your brother, you are gifted and should have known better." WTF! Then again, maybe they were right since I did go to a top tier university and majored in a pretty tough subject (which I think is less about intelligence and more about hard work). Then again if I had been 10 years younger its likely they would have drugged me up with ADHD meds.

The following book has a section about failures in early childhood identification.

http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241818816&sr=8-1

What about a mental health workbook aimed at teens? Like this? That series also has one on stress reduction.

Not sure if its the one he's referencing, but check out.

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

White Americans commonly have a condition called "white guilt," and any mention of ethnicity makes them extremely uncomfortable.

There is nothing inappropriate about mentioning the most easily noticed distinction between the two actors. The negative comments shows how strained race relations are in the US that white people don't feel comfortable even mentioning something so obvious.

There's a great book that discusses this:
https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

I can't find anywhere that says this team excludes white kids... The fact that they happen to be all black seems to make a lot of soccer fans upset - just look at this discussion on the Philadelphia Union fan page.

Why does it make so many people upset when oppressed/marginalized people self-organize into groups? Try reading Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together In the Cafeteria?

I grew up mostly overseas, and didn't go to school in the US until I was around 10, so I understand what you are going through.

As a boy, it was less about teasing and more about getting beaten up all the time. I didn't know how or why to fight, so even the girls beat me up. My parents took the approach that I did something to deserve the abuse.

I think the 2 most important things to read as soon as possible are:

Why Nerds Are Unpopular, an essay about what the view at the bottom of the American high school popularity range is like.

Queen Bees and Wannabes. This book is aimed at helping parents decode what their daughters are going through at about your age. Since you've lived so much overseas, American children are going to be as alien to you as they are to their own parents. Perhaps your local library has a copy. This book has a number of recommended movies and books in the back that may help.

Violence and abuse are so pervasive in American culture that they are as invisible to the participants as water is to fish.

Two other essays by Paul Graham that might be helpful are:
http://www.paulgraham.com/say.html
http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html

Are white people the only Racists? Here's a book: http://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342668242&sr=8-1&keywords=why+are+all+the+black+kids+sitting

I am familiar with Leonard Sax, but I find it interesting that he has not weighed into the marriage equality debate on either side. His most recent research has focused on the troubled boys: "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men."

http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100

The fifth factor in the book is "Revenge of Forsaken Gods," i.e., many boys today are missing male role models due to absentee fathers. But Sax concedes that a compensation mechanism may be found through other male role models in the community. Of course, this task should not fall upon a child. If gender role models are important, then a responsible single parent or same sex couple raising should seek out such a role model (whether a relative, church leader, or neighbor), but that implies a biological mother or father is not absolutely necessary (although it is easier).

The professor did a poor job of explaining a very important point. A possibly more straightforward way would be to explicitly define the term "racism" as a "system of advantage based on race." In a class such as that, it is an issue of semantics, because it requires that the word "racist" and "someone who is prejudiced on the basis of skin color" not be equivalent terms (as the vast majority of people employ them as such).

The students need not accept the teacher's definition outside of the classroom, but for the purposes of the subject and lecture, the teacher can at least preface the discussion that way - by stating outright that she/he will be using that definition of racism for the remainder of the semester.

For further reading on this point, I highly recommend Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria by Beverly Tatum. She eloquently explains this very point in greater detail and with far less indignation.

http://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

This famous book's author argues that because white people don't actively give up the privileges that their skin color gives them, they continue to perpetuate a two tier system of equality. I always find the premise of the book funny...the author to me argues that whites need to "level down" instead of blacks "leveling up."

If you really want to rage, read that book. It's really famous among race theorists.

Tatum argues that racism is learned, not hardwired.

Education. It is when more important in China than here for economic advancement. The "awesome experience" is definitively subjective. Just as you or I would be lost in China, and think their customs and habits odd, it would be rude for them to expect us to conform. Obviously, that is the intent of some exchange students, but to coerce (by force or social pressure) is to be violent against them.

There is quite a lot of anti-international violence and stigmatizing that goes on. I'm on a few boards and committees about discrimination and the like, and we hear complaints all the time. I guarantee you, it is a problem. When people start saying things that are problematic, I call them out, in the hopes of exerting some sort of pressure on them to help things get better. Standing by or making jokes isn't good, so I challenge it when I hear it, as I did here.

I recommend the book, "why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?" by Dr. Beverly Tatum.

Depending on who's talking about it, that would be the case. Beverly Tatum wrote a book, "Why are all the Black kids sitting together in the Cafeteria", which, at one point, basically says that while active racism is what we'd normally consider being racist, if white people aren't fighting against it, they're being passively racist, since they benefit from the inherently racist system. She goes on to say that the best a minority can be is racially biased, but not racist, as racism is a systemic issue, and not an individual one.

I think the argument is a bunch of semantic bullshit personally.

If you want advice from an actual black person and not someone who thinks that culturally black people are just so different and being "uncivilized" is a part of it, I'll give it to you.

I'll address the last part of your post first. Whether or not black people want to be seen the way you see them is irrelevant to most black people unless you specifically hinder or slander them in any way so we can throw that out of the window. We simply don't care as we have lives to lead. Stamping out this mindset in the minds of people who have power is a part of that life for many of us.

But as we are people we have other things to take care of as well. That's the first thing. Black people are people first and foremost. We do have shared experiences that only a black person, in America, could have. Sometimes those experiences transcend borders, too. But again, we are people. All with different aspirations, outlooks on life, upbringing, attitudes and a whole host of other traits assigned to humans.

Next time you see a black fight that you're apparently used to seeing now think that if they weren't black would you be assigning anything to them or their culture at all. Odds are you'd just see them as people in a fight that started for reasons you shouldn't really care about. Have you ever seen black kids getting beat up by black kids? White kids beat up by other white kids? Latinos beating up Asians? A good deal of crime happens in areas in proximity to the person doing the crime and America is incredibly segregated.

Now, your second paragraph. That's what we call the "good ones" rationalization. It's the way people can use the word nigger or other epithets and claim they have black friends but one of the good ones. It's flawed thinking and quite a few people in this sub, judging by this thread, would probably have the same mindset.

My advice to you is simple. Interact with people as people. There are people who will hurt you. There are people who will want to love you. Most people don't care about your life enough because they have their own to worry about. Some of these people may be black. Hell, all of them might be the ones that try to hurt you but they're people with their own motivations for doing so and attributing it to a whole group would be as silly as any of the other examples of things you fight. Hell, even those people might want to love you at some point as well.

I would recommend reading, though. Learn the history of black people in this country. Learn the state of black people as a whole today. Learn about why these thoughts aren't anything new or unique to you. Learn about why they have persisted.

A couple books I recommend are Black Power: The Politics of LiberationWhy Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria

I'd also say watch more things made by black creators. Dear White People is getting buzz on Netflix. Read articles from black writers. I'd recommend everything on verysmartbrothas.com

Here's one to start: “BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE WEALTHY IF WE STOPPED BUYING JORDANS AND WEAVE” HAS ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE BULLSHIT

Yes, some racists have used the word "white" in conjunction with the word "pride". This does not mean they own the phrase, nor does it mean a white person can't be proud of their heritage. No one is arguing that they haven't uttered those words

Saying "white pride" is not solely indicative of racism. Context is more important than you realize, bud.
Have racists said it? Sure.

Some racists also go to Wendy's - this does not mean that they own Wendy's, nor does it mean that everyone who likes Wendy's is also a racist simply because a marginalized group decided to utilize it

I suggest you use one of the books sourced in the link you just sent - https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617

I call BS on all of it. In her book here, she basically argues that most if not all white are racist and minorities aren't/can't be. She basically attempted to change the definition of racism.

I'm shocked that this book has such a high rating and sad.

it depends what you mean by identity politics

certain socially ascribed identities are obviously a means of power and hierarchy reproduction that need to be destroyed.

However when well meaning activists work within the twisted logic of those identities, they inevitably prop up the social hierarchies, even though they appear to be attacking them.

Here's a good example:

"Anyone who's been to a high school or college has noted how students of the same race seem to stick together. Beverly Daniel Tatum has noticed it too, and she doesn't think it's so bad. As she explains in this provocative, though not-altogether-convincing book, these students are in the process of establishing and affirming their racial identity"

In this example, the well meaning author is using the liberal language of anti racist activism, yet far from actually destroying the paradigm of "race" she is encouraging it to be reproduced.

We all know that modern race ideology was a European colonial/imperial invention. The ideology has permeated and continues to permeate the world and racism is very much alive and well, hence the need for identity politics to make us aware of this. However, true anti-racist politics will work outside of racial ideology and continue the slow and steady process of anti racist activists who prioritize the individual and negate the very concept of race itself.

So, no identity politics is not killing the left, but we need to be careful about what IP is and if there is an oppressive hierarchal ideology, IP must work to destroying it's currency, not working within it's oppressive frameworks.

God, your post reeks of write privilege. A twelve year old black kid probably doesn't have to go far to find out he is subject to racism and need only look on the internet to learn the history, with all its positive and negative aspects, of his people's struggle for legal rights and social privileges enjoyed by white people.

In my opinion his reaction, while not right, is entirely understandable for an adolescent male of an oppressed minority.

You and your son have got to deal with the fact that racism is still something that effects his friend's life every fucking day, even if, because you are white, you can casually forget about it entirely.

I'm not saying you are wrong about anything, but the tone of your post is extremely myopic.

I suggested reading "Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria" to get some insight into what is going on for black kids especially during just this stage of their life, when they first become aware that their skin color is going to disadvantage them (or at least cause people to treat them differently) for the next 60 years.

Try to see the world from his perspective, is what I am saying. The kid did some wrong stuff, but nothing more or less misguided than any twelve year old in a rough situation. It is insane, however, to blame him for teaching your child about racism.