Reddit mentions: The best books about walking

It's closed at the moment from the storm, but Land's End has a really beautiful trail, connecting 32nd Ave to Sutro Baths. There's a tiny beach you can hike down to, too.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/troymccluresf/56303913/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/troymccluresf/2357223948/
It's easy to tie in the Legion of Honor into this, too. Go there, walk the trail, then have a beer at Park Chalet. (If you're into beer, let me know. I'm literally a professional.) EDIT: Actually: here's pretty much that walk: https://www.flickr.com/photos/troymccluresf/sets/72157604221361358/

There're also some lesser-known trails in Golden Gate Park that offer some quiet and privacy, marked in gray on Google Maps. There's a big rock pile I always thought was fun to climb right inside the park at 25th Ave in the Richmond; I'd go from there and up to the lake.

Mountain Lake Park is neat- when my mom worked swing on the Golden Gate Bridge, my dad would drop her off then drop me & the dog off at 8th & Lake. There's a dog run in there we'd hang out at for a while, then take the trails back behind the lake and over to the PHSH, which used to be a lot more interesting. From there we'd either go up through the Presidio, maybe to Baker Beach and out to 25th Ave. Or, I'd take the "trails" inside Park Presidio through to Geary or maybe Golden Gate Park and head back toward 25th through there. (EDIT: Hit Little Vietnam for bahn mi beforehand- 6th at Clement.)

(Why yes, I did grow up in the Richmond, how did you know?)

Buena Vista Park is cool, plus it connects to so much- Corona Heights, the Haight, Castro… I'd say only if you have a bit of street smarts, though- plenty of burned out hippies living in there. Not actually dangerous, I wouldn't think, but I'd pay more attention in there.

You can get pretty close to the base of Sutro Tower, too. Can't really do much when you're there, but it's neat to see up close, at least. Just get to Dellbrook Ave & La Avanzada St. Here's a fun way to get there from UCSF (probably can't get quite that close to the tower, though).

Glen Canyon is pretty cool, plus it's (one of?) the only place in SF with the natural waterway still intact.

Left field at AT&T Park is open on non-game days during the season.

Go to Green Apple's local book section and pick up a couple books like this. (And then go to Mountain Lake Park.)

Go walk down this hill.

All I can think of at the moment. Feel free to ask for more, or PM me. I love showing off my hometown to people!

EDIT: Come to think of it, Green Apple itself is worth exploring on its own, as is Amoeba Records on Haight.

EDIT AGAIN: How could I forget Treasure Island? There's a couple of baseball fields, as well as a couple wineries. Treasure Island Bar & Grill (Called "Ti-BAG" by the locals) is a small-town bar that was super friendly to me when I ducked in during a horrendous night of traffic on the Bridge. You can also wander Yerba Buena Island a bit, including access to roads directly above each end of the YBI tunnel.

EDIT AGAIN AGAIN: Tank Hill! You can pretty much drive right up to this one, so it's a good place to like, bring a burrito to eat and watch sunset reflect off of downtown. It's like a junior Twin Peaks. Also, all this could be said of Kite Hill, as well.

There's also Turtle Hill ("Grand View Park") in the Sunset, which has a view west.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do something like this, but a trip this ambitious is a lot more likely to be successful if you work up to it. Yes, people have managed to complete long distance trails before with minimal experience prior to starting out, but I'd say that the odds are probably stacked against you in this case (especially since the Finger Lakes Trail doesn't really have the trail community and support network of more well-known trails like the Appalachian Trail- you can't get a professional gear shake down and purchase new equipment on the FLT 4 days into the trip like you can on the AT). You'd be well-advised to at least do a few weekend shake down trips, and perhaps 1 or 2 longer 4 or 5 day trips prior to attempting the FLT from end to end. The reason for this is that backpacking is a lot of trial and error when you're starting out- figuring out what works for you and what doesn't. You don't want to be 20 miles into a 500 mile hike when you find out that your shoes that felt OK worn around the block give you massive blisters after 5 miles on the trail, that your pack that felt comfortable when worn in your living room is torture after 4 hours on your back, that your stove doesn't work well in certain conditions, that your food isn't giving you the energy you thought it would, that your pack's rain cover is useless in a torrential down pour, so on and so forth. All of these are common issues that beginner backpackers often end up having to address at one point or another.

The Finger Lakes Trail is a good place to start with easier trips, though, because there's a bunch of places you can camp on the trail that are a relatively short hike in from the road (1 or 2 miles or less). If you go to the FLT website, they have an interactive map of the trail that will help you to find campsites and plan your trip. You can also order maps from the website. (I highly recommend at least using the interactive map, taking a screen shot, and then printing it so that you have a physical map with you to use for navigation. Many areas of the FLT don't have good cell reception, so you can't rely on being able to pull up the map on the FLT website if you find yourself turned around in the woods.) Picking a destination to camp at that isn't a very far hike in allows you to build experience without putting yourself outside your comfort zone or ability level. If things get bad enough that you need to bail, having a short hike back to your car makes it easy to do so without much difficulty.

Most of the camping options on the FLT are on NYSDEC State Forest land. Make sure you take the time to familiarize with the DEC's regulations for hiking and camping. Additionally, you should also take the time to read through and understand the Leave No Trace principles. This is really important, as there is a lot more to minimizing our impact in the backcountry as hikers and campers than just carrying our trash out with us.

In terms of hiking the entire FLT in one go, a few things to keep in mind are that the FLT doesn't see a lot of end-to-end hikers (maybe 5-10 in a year), and accordingly doesn't really have the same culture associated with more popular trails like the AT (this may or may not be a consideration important to you). There's also fewer resources for thru-hikers generally along the trail so some careful planning is needed. While most of the trail is complete, there are some lengthy road-walking sections where your feet will be on pavement for the better part of a day at times. There are a number of stretches of the trail on private property that are closed to public access during the spring and fall hunting seasons. And while there are some scenic destinations along the way, the trail predominantly passes through rolling hillsides dotted with farms and state reforestation areas (and much of the later is plantations of spruces, pine, and larch). It does at times drop into hollows with cascading streams and there are some nice waterfalls here and there, but the trail is generally lacking in areas of outstanding scenery (like the whites or the smokies on the AT). Perhaps the best attribute of the FLT are the opportunities for solitude- much of the trail gets relatively little use, and you'll likely be camped alone most nights as a thru-hiker. (I personally greatly enjoy hiking and camping on the FLT for this reason.)

As an alternative to the FLT that would afford a more "traditional" long distance hike (if that's what you desire), I might suggest considering Vermont's Long Trail. The southern half of it coincides with the AT so you'll get to experience part of that community if you time your trip so that you hike with the thru-hiker bubble. And there's quite a few mountain summits across the full length of the Long Trail that provide spectacular views. The Long Trail is substantially more rugged than the FLT, though.

There's a ton of info on backpacking gear and techniques online that can easily be found through some google searches. If you want a book, I highly recommend Colin Fletcher's The Complete Walker IV (you can probably get it at your library through inter-library loan if you don't want to purchase it). The book goes into a great amount of detail about all different kinds of gear, including discussion of the pros and cons of different types/models of equipment.

I hope this is helpful! :)

Saint Louis born and raised! I'll give you everything I've got. Sorry if I repeat what has already been said.

I grew up in the Saint Louis metropolitan area myself. (As a matter of fact, lived in Ferguson until I was 18!) As a young child, my fondest memories were visiting the [Zoo] (http://www.stlzoo.org/), [Science Center] (http://www.slsc.org/), [Art Museum] (http://www.slam.org/), [Lone Elk Park] (http://www.stlouisco.com/ParksandRecreation/ParkPages/LoneElk), all of which boast free admission. Saint Louis also has fairs, celebrations and events of some sort or other almost constantly (see [here] (http://explorestlouis.com/visit-explore/events/events-calendar/) for St Louis general events calendar.) The [Missouri Botanical Garden] (http://www.missouribotanicalgarden.org/) hosts a showcase every year about sustainable living, which might be relevant to you and your family. There are also 10+ local farmers' markets, including the famous and longstanding [Soulard Farmer's Market] (http://www.soulardmarket.com/). As yet, the Farmer's Markets are relatively small compared to what I've seen in other cities. But they are growing every year.

A classmate at WU who has lived in several large metropolis areas around the US reported that Saint Louis is by far the best place for him and his family of wife and 2 small children. He cited the numerous green spaces, free museums and parks, kid-friendly events, and low cost of living as the main reasons.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell friends that visit and new transplants: Saint Louis has a lot to offer, but it is not going to hit you over the head with it the way a large city like LA or NYC will. You have to go out and explore. Case in point, just yesterday I was walking through my own neighborhood and stumbled across a 2 acre quaint Seminary campus that I had no idea existed but was filled with beautiful architecture and green space.

Some great places to go hiking are [Castlewood] (http://mostateparks.com/park/castlewood-state-park) [Babler] (http://mostateparks.com/park/dr-edmund-babler-memorial-state-park), and [Shaw Nature Reserve] (http://www.missouribotanicalgarden.org/visit/family-of-attractions/shaw-nature-reserve.aspx), to start. These and many other hiking spots can be found within a 60 minute drive from metropolitan St. Louis. For a more extensive hiking/outdoor destinations I recommend the book [60 Hikes Within 60 Miles of St. Louis] (http://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Farmington/dp/0897328833).

As far as the organic living goes, there is room for development in that arena. We are not Portland or Oakland, so to imagine something like that would be setting your expectations too high. However, we have 2 Whole Foods with another one on the way, which indicates to me that there is interest in patronizing 'holistic' and sustainable agriculture. I learned from a cashier at the Brentwood Whole Foods that the traffic at the Brentwood location has blown the minds of Whole Foods executives because originally the Whole Foods execs insisted the "demographics of the city are wrong, the store will fail in Saint Louis." It is now one of the best performing stores in the midwest. That says something about where this city is going, I think (I hope).

If you want to be active with other children in the community, I would tentatively suggest looking into Clayton. Very good schools, many families with young children, very safe area. Just last night I attended the Shaw Park Food Truck Sunday (in Clayton), and almost every family in attendance had a child between the ages of 1 and 12. The city is one of the most walkable in Saint Louis, has biking trails/bike friendly streets, and is very close to Forest Park and other downtown area attractions.

Good luck in your quest! I hope you find your dream town, wherever it might be.

Start off by making attainable goals. Most people start working out with incredible ambition, but unrealistic goals. Within days, they fail because they haven't made goals that are realistic (I've never trained a day in my life, but I'm going to run five miles tomorrow! is an example)

Be very specific about your goals. Just saying "I want to lose weight" isn't going to cut it. You need to specify the amount you want to lose (be realistic) and specific things you will do to get it done. "I want to lose 25 pounds and I will do this by implementing healthier foods and exercising two days a week. I will do a workout dvd on Monday and I will go for a 20 minute jog on Friday" is an example of what you should be doing in regards to specificity in your plans.


Personally, I struggle with motivation daily, and I'm not overweight, but I do want to get fit and have endurance (I can't breathe after walking up a flight of stairs!).

Try to find friends that want to do this journey with you and want to support you in what you're doing. Use them as a sound board, as well as your motivation and nagging voice when you're being lazy and don't want to follow through. If you can afford it- join a gym and get into fitness classes. Find ones you like and keep going. The people there become accountability partners b/c they'll ask where you've been, and that will help your motivation to work out too.

Join r/fitness. it's such an inspiring and great subreddit; I think you'll benefit a lot from it. Also, look into some workout books to help give you ideas for meals and workouts. I have the Absolute Beginner's Guide to Running... and it has fantastic pointers for everyone starting out running. Also, check out Livestrong and Women's Health Magazine for more ideas on healthy lifestyle choices. Personally, I love Livestrong- they have mobile phone apps as well as the website so that you can keep track of calories consumed.


Just remember that you need to do this for you. Find sources of inspiration that make you want to do it. Only you know what that is. Whether it's a photo of your goal weight/body type, a mantra, photos of what you don't want to look like, etc... It's up to you to figure out what makes you want to lose weight.

Because this is rising and will be seen a bit, I’ll add more info so you can see this with your own eyes. It is much more beautiful in real life (this is a crappy cell phone image). It’s really sad how few people use this trail.

Parking for the trail is here: Elena Gallegos Open Space
7100 Tramway Boulevard Northeast, Albuquerque, NM 87122 https://goo.gl/maps/mibey2hPHG2Mfxep8 . It is open until 9PM and they charge $2 to park (or $30 for a year if you use it a lot, like I do). It is almost never crowded, even on weekends and most of the few cars in the lots are bicyclists using nearby trails. There is no cycling or bicycles on the Pino Trail itself outside of the EG recreation area, which is nice.

This is a great trail for beginners to use to grow stronger. Just bring plenty of water and take breaks when needed. I’m 70 lb overweight and was able to reach the crest after walking the trail a couple times per week for a couple months to build my strength and endurance. It takes me about 1.5 hours to reach the spot where the photo was taken, but a thin young fit person could likely reach it in an hour. If I were to walk to the photo location and back down, I would carry at least 1/2 gallon of water, but if you’re more fit and faster you can likely carry less. I’ve seen very-fit trail runners this far and even higher not carry any water, but that is nuts.

The views in every direction are spectacular on every inch of the trail, beginning the moment you step out of the car. The city, the mountains, the foothills, all of it is breathtaking and it changes constantly as you climb higher on the trail. Even the trees and flowers and other vegetation change frequently.

From the car, you walk about 0.75mi in desert area and there are quite a few cyclists depending on the trail you park near, but everyone is polite and shares the space well. After you reach the east edge of the EG area 0.75mi from the car, cycling is forbidden. All the trails in the EG parking area lead to the Pino Trail Cibola national forest area if you just keep going east (toward the mountain). There are lots of signs. In this area, and for the next 0.75 mi into the national forest area you are pretty exposed to the sun (few opportunities for shade). Don’t forget sunscreen and insect repellant and wear a hat. After you are about 1.5 miles from the car there are many more trees, you will be in shade about half the time for the next couple miles. This hike isn’t too bad even when it is very hot as long as you bring plenty of water and rest when you feel tired. When I started, I had to rest every 0.2 miles or so, but it doesn’t take long to get strong if you go often. I can go at a slow walking pace for a couple miles after some practice. No matter how far you go, the views never disappoint, and the next time you return you are a little bit stronger and go a little farther. Before long, you find yourself staring through oak bushes onto the plains east of the Sandias (the top of the trail at the crest is just under five miles from the parking area).

I’m pretty new in town and I have been learning about local outdoor hikes from this book: “60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: Albuquerque.” I know there are many more than 60 great hikes just in the city limits, but this book does a great job rating trails for difficulty and contains plenty of detail and maps and the author is obviously in love with hiking in the city. His enthusiasm is contagious. I keep a copy of that book on my phone ($10 for Kindle edition). I tried using a few apps to find trail info, but the reviews and ratings in this real book are better. I like the gps maps in the apps, but I like the “60 Hikes” book better as a guide.

Wow, so many things you have said of your story resonate with me. So I will give you my perspective. Sorry it’s so long.

Been divorced 5 years now from HS sweetheart, I was married 22 yrs, she is bipolar and didn’t work for 18 months before the split. Kids were 18, 10, and 8 when we split. I was in counseling for about 5 years which I see now helped to lead to the divorce especially when I learned what boundaries were and started having some, which she didn’t like at all.

1. Kids - that was one of my biggest concerns at the time and I must admit it was rough in the beginning to figure out my new relationship with the youngest ones. They had trouble in the beginning but I can now see it was because of being in the toxic environment of the household and then going through a divorce. They are doing great now and I made sure along the way that I focused on doing the right things for the kids no matter the way I felt about their mother even though she didn’t have the same thinking.
   
   
2. Backlash - you are right to fear it! Logic, morals, motherhood, all go out the window. If she already has a victim mentality, then expect it to get worse. Watch out for restraining orders and calling the police. You also will need to get comfortable with calling the police. She will change her attitude when a cop threatens them with being arrested and some time it’s the only way to stop the cycle of chaos that they create and want to keep going to maintain control. Fearing it will help you to prepare to be on the defensive for it mentally.
   
   
3. Finances - It sucks, no other way to put it. Especially the first year. After 5 years I can’t say that I have fully recovered. If things are tight now, they will get really bad. Go into it with the thought process that you will lose everything and have to start over from scratch, this will help you deal with it and give you some type of hope that it will get better because things do get better with time.
   
   
4. What ifs - man those thoughts kept me rooted in misery and honestly I didn’t realize it until after the split. The things you put up with that you look back on as normalcy is shocking. Also, after you can look back and see how it was heading to divorce the whole time and there was no way to stop it. The only thing that happened for me was I kept holding out hope and I can look back now and see there was never really any hope. I wish I would have met with a lawyer before like you have done.
   
   
   Here are my other pieces of advice that I wish I knew about before the split: No affiliate links, just straight to the books.
   
   
5. The end will come as an event, mine was accidentally discovering other guys numbers in her phone. Get the book Uncoupling, it explains the process of splitting up.
   Uncoupling
   
   
6. Get the book Splitting, it’s about divorcing a narcissist.. Once I read it, it was like reading NMMNG, but it was the story of my divorce. It acted as a playbook on how to handle things and she literally followed most of the things the book said she would do.
   Splitting
   
   
7. Make sure your lawyer is in favor of fathers rights. Every guys tells his lawyer that his wife is crazy when going through divorce, so they hear it all the time. But when it really is the case without documented medical support, they will just think you are like every other guy and not realize that things are different especially for the kids. They figure it out eventually, but it takes them a while to get there.
   
   
8. Make your boundaries quickly especially when it comes to the kids. When she talked about reconciling, I created a list of the expectations I wanted in a marriage and from a wife and until I could see that she met those expectations I was only settling on my own happiness.
   
   
9. Don’t tell her anything, disconnect as soon as the papers are filed. She is no longer your responsibility. If you could have saved her, you wouldn’t be going through a divorce.
   
   
10. First year is really rough, keep journaling, but recognize when you shouldn’t go back to review things because it stops you from moving forward and sets you back in the process.
    
    
    My story now is that I met an amazing women and have been married for a year. She loves my kids and they love her. You will probably see once you get out there that you are a good catch and there are plenty of women who will treat you like a king because of all the jerks available on the market.
    
    Sorry it was so long, but hopefully it helps.
    
    Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

I am in a very similar situation at the moment. We started out in mediation and I believed it was for the kids benefit that I do the every other weekend routine (or, if I decided to take her generous offer, every weekend).

Once I asked for 50% parenting time she completely flipped. I have had several emails where she accuses me of being a danger to the children and recently she threatened to try and take out a restraining order after I drove off when she started to yell at me and charge up to my car to continue to yell at me.

I have several examples of her poor and contradictory behavior in email, and my lawyer has the same information now too. She has reported that she doesn't have enough money to run the A/C in the house, but that same weekend she got a matching tattoo with her boyfriend. She has even gone as far to contact my new girlfriend behind my back to arrange a meeting "for the kids". I am happy that my girlfriend is a licensed therapist and can not only see through her manipulation, but can also help me remain calm and vet my emails so that they follow the BIFF statement detailed in another comment here.

I live in a single party notification state, so I keep audio recordings of each and every verbal conversation so she can't misrepresent the situation after the fact.

In order to keep yourself balanced, make sure you surround yourself with good friends and talk to them. Seeing a therapist is also a good step and will be a positive item to the court. As she loses control over you and you quit reacting to her she will become more angry and more manipulative. Be careful as she will use others against you. Emails which are quite benign that I have sent have been answered with 2 page long invective's that repeat how I am a poor father and that I am snide, condescending and that I am constantly angry.

I recently picked up the following book from the library:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

I have yet to finish it, but it has good information on how you should act, how to help yourself and your lawyer. You will be insulted in court, she will try to make you look like a poor father. The best defense it to know you are a good father and that you can show you are taking the high road.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is tough to have someone you thought had your best interests in mind to turn around and attack you with the intimate knowledge of your life. But this is really about protecting yourself and being the best you can be for your children.

I wish you luck.

Some good ideas here already.

I'd additionally recommend Splitting, by the author of Walking on Eggshells.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

The advice to proceed as though she is borderline I think is sound, it's a hope for the best, but prepare for the worst tactic that can protect you. The advice to lawyer up is good I think, especially since you are able to take custody, best to start on collating data for that now. It's good you have other people behind you, stat decs from them will be invaluable, the more direct quotes statements contain, and precise dates and times, the better.


Hopefully Batmanrebirthed weighs in here, he has been in this situation and his kid seems to have weathered it well, now in his teens, and doing well in terms of friends and coping skills. He divorced a raging psycho too. It can be done and the kids are A-OK (get some therapy for them anyhow IMO, could work for you in court), you sound resourceful and smart, which gives you better odds.


As wife20yrs says, kids complicates the situation and there's no right answers. But if she breaks you the kids have noone making sensible decisions for them. So even if you only get partial custody, at least they have someone stable, sensible weighing in on decisions.

Keep writing stuff out, even the things you write here may be useful. Dates, times, direct quotes, corroborating witnesses.

Don't envy you man, stay around, write - get it out of your head and on to paper, but maybe recycle usernames in case she snoops on your devices.

Chubb Trail is good for hiking or biking. Nowhere close to the amount of traffic you see at Castlewood. In fact, I was there last Saturday - with pitch perfect weather and only three other people in about 2 hours of hiking.

Here's a good map of the area (and yes it is for trail riders):

https://gorctrails.com/sites/default/files/media/Media%20Root/chubb_0.pdf

I like to park where Allen Rd ends at the train tracks, this gives you easy access to either the southern part of the trail (hilly, rocky trail) and the northern part of the trail, which follows along the Meramec river. The northern part can be muddy and overgrown with poison ivy, but it wasn't too bad last weekend.

I recommend this book to anyone interested in hiking near the St. Louis area:

https://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Farmington/dp/0897328833

Great information and gives you a list to explore when you get tired of hitting the same locations. I've probably done about 75% of the hikes in the book and like to note the ones I've completed and who went with me.

Shaw Nature Reserve (near Six Flags) has many great hiking trails, but is a bit farther out and usually has a bigger draw than Chubb, with lots of public events planned. Still a nice option if you like to see lots of native, wild flora.

Let me know if you have any other questions and I'll try to answer as best I can.

I've been backpacking since I was about 13 and have built up a lot of general skills through that. My favorite book on backpacking in general is The Complete Walker by Colin Fletcher. It's a little out of date but the overall advice he gives is timeless.

As far as specific AT stuff goes, I got a bunch of books but none of them have been nearly as helpful as reading the articles on whiteblaze.net. One of the best articles describes how to resupply along the trail without using many mail drops. Buying food as you go drastically cuts down on the logistical challenge of the hike. I also got a copy of the Through Hiker's Companion to take with me.

The best thing about the AT is that it has such a good infrastructure for long-distance hikers that you really don't need to know a whole lot before starting out. That's one of the main reasons I decided to do the AT instead of the PCT. With the AT, you can just go and plan as you go along. The PCT is a lot more remote and challenging from what I've heard.

Anyway, best of luck in your planning. I'm not an expert backpacker by any means but if you have any more questions, just let me know and I'd be happy to help.

A lightbulb went on in my head you said about your Achilles tendon, because yeah, that went nuts on me when I transitioned to zero-drop shoes, so I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to wearing them when hiking up steep inclines. It's PAINFUL!

For what it's worth...

Transitioning to minimalist shoes is a months-long process. (Katy Bowman has an awesome and useful short book about it, which I found very helpful and recommend, Whole Body Barefoot: Transitioning Well to Minimal Footwear.)

Thankfully, there is a whole world of options along the spectrum between approach shoes and boots. Trail runners don't have to be minimalist or zero-drop. In fact, most aren't. For example, the Brooks Cascadia is one of the most popular shoes among Appalachian Trail thru-hikers and has a significant heel-to-toe drop.

I just share all this because if you love hiking, trail runners truly are amazing, and it sounds like they would help a great deal with your packing problems (which is one of their benefits).

I'm new to reddit, so apologies if anyone has posted this already, but there's an amazing book out there by Canadian author Charles Montgomery called Happy City that discusses this whole topic in great detail. It's written in a very consumable manner and is positive without being preachy - highly recommended for anyone interested in getting some of the facts behind the re-urbanization trend. Makes one hopeful for Toronto.

http://www.amazon.ca/Happy-City-Transforming-Through-Design/dp/0385669143

As I read your post I felt like I could have written it, except I've been in a relationship for 9 years and living together for 5 years and we have a 4 year old. It is very difficult to separate from someone you are living with, particularly when you have a child. You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking the steps to protect your and your child's future. Parents shape their child's view of relationships and the best thing you can do is to show them you are willing to do what it takes to be happy.

My partner is likely an N-personality type, but it may be another BPD. (I'll probably never know because the only time we did therapy, he turned the therapist against me.) I'm currently in the process of looking for a new place to live (again) and am gearing up for it to be HARD based on my previous attempts to separate.

I agree with what everyone else has said about making sure you have your support network in place before making a move. One book that I have found helpful is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm keeping everything very close to the vest until I have all my ducks in a row (lawyer, therapist, new apartment, etc.) to avoid being sabotaged as we work through what the child custody agreement will look like. I live in a 50/50 equal parenting rights state. I too am really hoping to use a mediator and keep it out of court, but based on the advice I have received so far, it's probably better to have paperwork filed with the court so there is quick recourse if/when N decides to start gaslighting/sabotaging down the road.

Wish I had more advice to give, but just know you are not alone.

I grew up in the St. Louis area and spent my youth backpacking in the Missouri Ozarks. While I will say i am quite glad I moved away from the flatlands, there is some good hiking to be had in the Ozarks. Hawn State Park has a nice 10 mi loop that was probably my most done weekend backpack. The Ozark Tail (different than the OHT) is becoming more and more completed every year. I especially like the sections around Taum Sauk Mountain. The Berryman Trail is about 25 miles and makes a nice backpack if you don't mind mountain bikers lapping you all the time.

The last two are just day hikes less than a couple miles, but worth mentioning. The Devil's Rock Pile (officially Hughes Mountain) is a super cool area. And The Gulf pic 2 is the single coolest place in missouri...if you can find it...hahaha. Good luck with that.

This book has most of the hikes I recommended in it as well as others. I've heard good things about the Hiking Missouri book also.

You may want to check out the "Dummies" or "Idiot's" books. Not to say you are either, just that they really are good books... it's unfortunate that there's a stigma attached to them. You might want to go to B&N or your local library and just read through them rather than ask someone to buy them.

Camping for Dummies

https://www.amazon.com/Camping-Dummies-Michael-Hodgson/dp/076455221X

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Backpacking and Hiking

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Backpacking-Lifestyle-Paperback/dp/1592579604

The Backpacker's Handbook has been recommended, but I haven't read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/007175489X

The Complete Walker; I read this 30 years ago(?) A great reference.

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Walker-IV-Colin-Fletcher/dp/0375703233

And of course Mountaineering: Freedom of the Hills

https://www.amazon.com/Mountaineering-Freedom-Hills-Mountaineers/dp/1680510045

M:FotH is a comprehensive tome, which may be a bit advanced for someone who is starting out with some car camping. As the name implies, it's aimed towards mountaineers, with sections on rock climbing, belaying, first aid, mountain safety... as a beginner you might pick up some invaluable information, but most of it may be far beyond what you need, it might be a bit overwhelming. Though you may be the type that just loves to soak up everything you, in which case it's a great reference.

If you want to check it out, the Kindle version of the 8th edition has a "Look Inside" which lists the sections and chapters, and has a bit of the first chapter. The latest 9th ed doesn't have the "Look Inside" yet.

https://www.amazon.com/Mountaineering-Freedom-Hills-Mountaineers-ebook/dp/B0049P1ZTC

I read these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/

They helped me understand the experience, understand the mistakes I made and that I'm not alone.

Talk to your friends. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you. Many of your relationships may not be where you want them to be. But you'd be surprised how strong they actually are. The reason I say this is because abusers have a pattern of going after people that are gentle caring people. And this means you have a strong network of friends. Go to them, and talk to them.

Take care of yourself. Make sure other things in your life are the way they want to be. Are you proud of your physique? Are you happy with where your career is going? Are you happy with your accomplishments? You're free from the overwhelming pain of a person that was emotionally insecure and made themselves feel better by putting you down. You are now free to write your own story without that crippling pain, go and write it.

Former REI guy, so I'm biased, but I think it's the best selection to check out and a really knowledgeable staff. We had 3 or 4 of us who had completed through-hikes of the AT working there, at the same time. Was hard to beat that level of experience. Also like Walkabout in Carytown.

I'd recommend trying out things and working on specs for what you'll carry rather than identifying a specific pack or other gear from a specific company. Once you narrow in on your specs, the right gear will become a little easier to identify. Going into the store would be a great opportunity to talk to people with experience and soak up what you can.

Good resources include the Awol's AT Guide (which I think is also available in a southbound edition), the Appalachian Trail Data Book, and The Complete Walker IV, which is kind of the granddaddy of hiking guides.

I've spent hundreds of nights on the trail, including some long hikes and working on trail maintenance crews, but I still appreciate some books.

A common standby is The Complete Walker. It covers a lot of material and is pretty general.

I like Trail Life. I don't recommend trying to do things exactly the way Ray did. You'll probably have a bad time if you do. I think it's the best book around for trying to think creatively about how to reduce pack weight. He also has some very good things to say about campsite selection.

You asked for some book recommendations, and I've given you a couple, but you still need time to learn how to use your gear, and more importantly, how to use your body. It takes a while to learn how to manage your energy, manage your time so you can do lots of miles even if you walk slowly, stay warm in the rain, avoid sun burn, and more. You can actually get pretty familiar with your gear at home, and really should practice using all of your gear before you hit the trail, but I also realize that this is easy for me to say and do because I have the experience to know what I expect of my gear. At the very least you should learn how to set up your tent so that it's tight, and practice using all the guylines even if you think they're optional. Practice using your water treatment gear too, especially filters so that you aren't stuck miles down a trail with a brand new broken filter or even a good filter that you don't know how to use correctly.

AMC's Best Backpacking in the Mid-Atlantic: A Guide To 30 Of The Best Multiday Trips From New York To Virginia https://www.amazon.com/dp/193402886X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_w9BRBbF0HDNER

The Trout Valley hike from this guide is really close to you. Trail head is near intersection of 66 & 81.

Here’s an online guide to that hike.

http://midatlantichikes.com/troutrunvalley.htm

Book does it clockwise and the online guide goes counter clockwise. I did the hike a month ago. I can see the advantages to either way.

I’m on vacation and don’t have that AMC book on me, but there’s a loop that has you summit several mountains in the southern section of Shenandoah that is one of my favorites. It’s very easy to scale that trip based on how many days you have or how many miles you can do in a day.

I’ve done a variation with my wife that was two days, two nights, ~25 miles, and a another solo three day, two nighter of ~50 miles. You gain and lose a ton of elevation in this part of the park. So, careful with how many miles you plan per day.

Loop has you summit Trayfoot, Furnace, and Blackrock mountains at a minimum.

Highly recommend that AMC book. Great maps with camp spot and water info for every trip.

If you too cheap for a proper guide, this is a decent list:

https://www.desktodirtbag.com/best-hikes-in-virginia/

DC Ultralight’s Meetup page can also you give ideas. I’m not a member but have used their trips for ideas for my own hikes.

https://www.meetup.com/DC-UL-Backpacking/

For a complete beginner I usually recommend you pick up a book. There's so much information that it's hard to get anything from Reddit replies.
The top 3
The Ultimate Hikers Guide

The Backpackers Field Manual

The Complete Walker IV

The first one is probably the most easily digestible. The 3rd is my favorite but that's just because I enjoy the writing style.
I'd suggest grab one or more of those books and start getting an understanding of all the gear. You could start with some easy overnight trip. A quick overnight on the PCT is easily accomplished from Portland.

Also if you're in Portland, head over to the REI in the Pearl district. The have all the Portland Green Trails maps. They are the greatest maps around IMO.

Army guy here. Taking care of our feet is something wildly important for work, so here's some advice.

Firstly your fit might be a little off. Maybe not enough to justify a change in shoe size, but enough so that your foot has some wiggle room in the boot. Try thicker socks specifically made for boots. I recommend Darn Toughs, Smart Wool, or the Nike Elite boot socks. The other alternative is to wear a dress sock as a liner and then a wool sock on top.

Secondly, why are you that opposed to callus in the first place? It's literally self made armor for your body. True the process of building it can be a tad bit miserable, but the end result is a foot that's tough like leather, won't blister, doesn't get hot spots, and is comfortable in pretty much any kind of footwear.

Thirdly, you can try breaking them in. There are some tricks like getting them wet in a hot shower and then wearing them on your feet until they dry, but it might ruin the leather so try at your own risk.

Finally I recommend this book to all of my soldiers. Tried and true methods for foot care.

As for food, you can't go wrong with Mountain House.

Some pointers:

Do bring duct tape. Great for blisters and many other things.

Do put Fresh batteries before your hike

Do pack a Mini bic lighter

Don't pack too heavy. Visit r/ultralight for ideas on how to reduce pack weight. Try to be under 45-50 lbs. you can hike more miles, and your trip will be more enjoyable.

Do not wear brand new shoe/boots. Break them in.

Don't wear cotton

Do Know how to read a topo map and triangulate your location.

Do carry an Essential 10

Do let people know where you are going.

A great book for beginners is The Complete Walker by Colin Fletcher.

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Walker-IV-Colin-Fletcher/dp/0375703233/ref=sr_1_1/180-6869170-5187653?ie=UTF8&qid=1420102640&sr=8-1&keywords=complete+walker

I don't know how old you are, your life experience, or if you are male/female, so I can't really advise you whether or not it's a good idea to go it alone. Maturity and common sense definitely be required. Welcome to Backpacking. It's a beautiful hobby that will provide meaningful memories to last a lifetime..



"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life..."

Henry David Thoreau

Gift cards are great, but might I recommend a couple books on exploring San Francisco? The city is very walkable and has a rich history; my enjoyment of SF grew exponentially when I started planning these day adventures around the city. I've personally used Stairway Walks in San Francisco and Cool Grey City of Love, but there are quite a few similar books on Amazon.

Following up...

There are awesome things to see everywhere in San Francisco (depending on your definition of "awesome"). If you're planning on visiting Alcatraz, get tickets as soon as possible. They sell out far in advance.

If you like awesome scenery, the walk at Land's End is nice, especially if it's not too foggy.

Get a copy of the Stairway Walks in San Francisco if you like that sort of thing.

The free SF City Guide walks are great and give you lots of different views of the city.

BPD is really tough and creates its own set of issues with divorcing. You need to prepare yourself and there are some great resources that can help get you through this. I'd suggest two books, which are both quick reads: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With BPD or NPD and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Document everything and keep a daily journal of events including care of the children. Learn everything you can about BPD and how to help your kids through this. Do not expect cooperation but be thankful when and if it happens. Best of luck to you - it's a tough road and I'm also starting the same journey.

Lots to unpack here but let me give you two main concepts to ponder that I do not believe anyone has addressed thus far.

1. An ankle can only be mobile on a strong platform. That means foot strength is paramount to ankle mobility.
   
   
2. Overworked calves that are usually a result of having weak glutes that is usually a result of being seated are another frequent offending party when it comes to ankle mobility. If your calves are busy trying to be your ass, they're always going to be tight, overworked, and holding on for dear life.
   
   So you can stretch all you want but until you assess the problem and likely strengthen your intrinsic foot muscles and strengthen glute muscles you are probably going to be fighting a losing battle.
   
   Foot strength ideas. Go barefoot more often, play foot games like moving marbles with your feet, splaying toes, etc or using toe spreaders like CorrectToes or the much cheaper ones I posted below. Follow GaitHappens on Instagram for more ideas.
   
   Glute strength ideas. Open hip flexors, strength train glutes - single leg glute bridges, hip thrusts, RDLs, kettlebell swings especially banded swings (done properly from the hinge and not a squat), sumo deadlifts, pistol squats, skater squats, etc.
   
   You would be the exception if you were a guy that was in the military and had to be in combat boots all the time or a figure skater that is in ice skates all the time. Even for these situations, the foot muscles would likely still be weak from being in shoe prisons and the calves and quads would still probably be more dominant than the glutes.
   
   Tldr: Assess where the weak areas are - you have a dorsiflexion assessment but have not tested foot strength and dexterity. You can test tib anterior strength by walking with on your heels with your toes extended (lifted). You can also palpate the muscle to see if it's hypertonic.
   
   My first step would be going barefoot more often and spending $5 on these toe spreaders. Those things will only serve to help even if they are not the only problem. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0713S97J5/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_8pkCCbWP0A15W
   
   Link to GaitHappens
   https://instagram.com/gaithappens?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=1xoed36orisgm
   
   Link to Katy Bowman's book on the foot. Whole Body Barefoot.
   Whole Body Barefoot: Transitioning Well to Minimal Footwear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0989653986/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_xfkCCb7QPWPP3
   
   Dr Stuart McGill has more info on foot strength or what he calls "foot athleticism" in his book The Gift of Injury.
   Gift of Injury https://www.amazon.com/dp/0973501863/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IskCCbCHDSXZP

I recommend picking up a copy of the AMC's best Mid-Atlantic backpacking trip book: https://www.amazon.com/AMCs-Best-Backpacking-Mid-Atlantic-Multiday/dp/193402886X

Has 30 trips from easy to advanced skill level and a good variety all over the Mid-Atlantic with turn-by-turn instructions and general insight on the area. Shenandoah is also a great place to go if you're in DC. (My girlfriend and I go all the time.) On their site, they have pre-planned trips that are great for people just getting started.

No one should have to go what you did. If my STBX had a younger twin sister, you married her.

I am so glad you are getting out. Save this post somewhere because you will want to occasionally remind yourself what you were going through, when you start to forget the bad stuff and think maybe it was not so bad. Right now it looks like you are in emotional turmoil but at least you are breaking out of the fog. You also might find http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/ useful. You already found /r/raisedbynarcissists so you might also want to visit /r/bpdlovedones

Since you have recognized codependent behaviors in yourself, you can use the advice in No More Mr Nice Guy (there is a pdf you can browse first) to work on that.

Two useful books on your upcoming divorce:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family

I am about a year ahead of you, and my head is a much better place now. You can do it.

http://midatlantichikes.com/troutrunvalley.htm

AMC's Best Backpacking in the Mid-Atlantic: A Guide To 30 Of The Best Multiday Trips From New York To Virginia https://www.amazon.com/dp/193402886X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_j6B2Bb6W2Q91K

Trout valley is awesome. The online guide does it counter clockwise. The book does it clockwise. I hiked this in September and can see the pros and cons either way.

Highly recommend that AMC book. Great maps and detailed descriptions of water and camp spots.

Buy these books!! I am so serious. This is like the most urgent I've felt about any reddit comment ever.


-Secret Stairs: work them quads and see some new neighborhoods!

-10,000 Steps a Day in LA: This one has some epic adventures, it's a mix of parks and streets. I've never had a bad one from this book. Elysian Park East was weird but interesting. My friend swears by the Wilshire Blvd,/Ktown one.

-Walking L.A.: I think this one might be your favorite. All streets and stairs, organized by neighborhood.

..We are hardcore pedestrians... join us

This book really helped me. "Splitting..." by Randi Kreiger and Bill Eddy.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1511839685&sr=8-1

And like those before said: lawyer up. The book gives good advice on how to pick a good lawyer. It also talks about the games people play and coping with them.

Don't let her bully you into compromise. Your kids are worth having monetarily and so she won't poison them against you.

Good luck.

The Frankenjura is in the unusual situation of having three more or less up to date definitive guidebooks:

Schwertner 1 & 2

Thum

Röker 1 & 2

They're all good, and like anything else in climbing/humanity/life, people tend to have tribal loyalties to one or the other of them. Schwertner seems to be the most widely read; I go for a slightly contrarian look by preferring Röker.

If you can't read German (well) then Röker is your best option because it has bilingual text. Schwertner also has a pleasantly cheap English language selected climbs version, but as the title suggests it's aimed above your grade range.

Frankenjura Extreme

This list of one guy's favourite routes, complete with snarky comments about insider Frankenjura climbing politics, is quite useful for getting an overview of where the good sectors are in various grade ranges:

Frankenura Top 391

Can't help you with Saxony, never been there.

There are at least 2 dozen Micro Breweries you could consider worth a visit. Nearly all offer food which sets us apart from other Micro Brewery cities like Portland or Austin.

Running in the city can be excellent. The street grid and historic neighborhoods/parks provided endless things to checkout as you run. We love it.

The southern part of the state is quite pretty (Ozark Foothills/Mountains). Lots of state parks for hiking. Check out this book: 60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: St. Louis: Including Sullivan, Potosi, and Farmington https://www.amazon.com/dp/0897328833/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KJhBDbBEPHJC5

What part of Canada are you coming from? The Wife and I moved here from Alberta 12yrs ago. Day to day life is mostly the same, the social/political situation is the biggest difference. It's generally a great country to be a top income earner.

Missouri is VERY conservative. Look up abortion for an idea of how things are here. The government is secular in theory but not in practice. Very unfortunate. That said, the cities are much less so.

Violence is much more common in American life. The idea is that you should inact your 2nd amendment rights and protect yourself that way. Personal choice is emphasized. Rather than the Crown providing solutions, you find them for yourself. Healthcare is a great example. Hearing gunfire in urban areas is perhaps the saddest example of this approach. It will feel odd at first but eventually you'll adapt. American's just do things differently. You'll love it or hate it.

All in all we have LOVED IT.

I’m so sorry for how hard your life is with this man. You are living on eggshells! You deserve freedom.

I highly recommend the book “splitting“ - it will help you keep yourself safe if/when you undertake the difficult process of leaving a narcissist.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Good luck! You can do this! I highly recommend posting over on /r/narcissisticabuse

Awesome post and great comments, some really good advice all around.

Well done on getting this far friend.

This book may be useful to your right now

I highly, highly recommend you get a copies of:


Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

and I sincerely wish you the best outcome, whatever that winds up being.

Only the low part is flat. Mostly it's rocky. There are mountains on both sides of the valley that are spectacular. As for heat, yeah, it's hot in summer and it's hot on the valley floor most days because the air sinks down there and there's almost no wind there. However, if you get into one of the canyons it's pretty pleasant. I still wouldn't visit in the dead of summer but anytime from October - April is going to be rather manageable.

I was just there in March and it was warm but lovely. The thing is, that most of the foliage is sparse so you're not crushing delicate plants underfoot off trail. There are thousands and thousands of slot canyons and to walk into. You can get a guide and go exploring on your own, there are miles and miles of 4WD roads that lead to little used portions of the park, and there are endless walks to be had. Even if you're in established hiking areas there are side trails that many never bother with, here's a picture from Zabriskie Point you can walk anywhere amongst those formations (except where warned about mines) and just have a look around. Few people get off the beaten trail because they think it's not worth it or it'll be dangerous.

Once you're off the main areas all you need is a topo map, food, and ample water and you're pretty much set. It's real freedom in the park. On some of the little used portions, areas, you might not see anyone at all if you don't want to. The silence and desolation of the park is perfection. Unlike anything else, really.

Here's a book that has all of the non-mainstream hikes to do (plus the regular ones too). <-Not an affiliate link.

We did Dirty Harry's Peak yesterday. Highest elevation is over 4600 feet. It was pretty challenging, but we had perfect weather and the view above the clouds at the top was worth it.

We found it in the 60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: Seattle book, which I like a lot.

It's really hard to do. First and foremost, speak to an attorney. Don't give her any hints that you're planning to divorce her in advance. My post history from a couple of years ago shows all that I went through, including claims that she had already called the police on me (she had not. and I called the police the next day to see how I could protect myself), breaking into my email to get my correspondence with the attorney, and not being honest about large amounts of debt.

I recommend this book - Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD or NPD. It is a good understanding of the steps you can take, and what is and is not within your control during the process. I'm not diagnosing your wife with any sort of certain illness or disorder, but I will say the behavior you describe certainly has a Cluster B flavor to it. In fact, the way you wrote about her objections to therapy are nearly word-for-word what I dealt with over the years when trying to get her to go to couples counseling with me.

Another person in this thread mentioned projection with your wife describing Laura as a Narcissist, and I experienced that as well. I wasn't falling back into the cycle of staying in the marriage yet again to make it work, because I always believed her that things would get better. She finally went to a talk therapist. Once my ex realized that, I was accused of being a sociopath, and that her new therapist agreed with her that I was the cause of all her mental and physical problems. The therapist I had never met, and during her first session.

What truly helped me was individual therapy for myself, and finding a group of people in /r/BPDlovedones who had bizarrely similar experiences to my own over the years. I was pointed there after telling a bit of my story in /r/Divorce and some users suggested I go take a look. It took a lot for me to understand just how toxic the relationship was, and my part in that cycle. Hell, I even had a similar experience in discussing my concerns with her parents, and that being used against me by her.

I also recommend the books Boundaries, and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. Stop Caretaking was probably the best one for giving me concrete examples of how my own behavior and thought patterns were part of the problem.

It took me a long time and many false starts to leave that unhealthy relationship. I wish I had the knowledge, strength, and courage to have done it sooner.

Most lawyers will do a free initial consult, or low-cost (I paid $100). You haven't even told us if you are the mother or the father.

I know that it can be worked out between the two of you, or in mediation, or in arbitration or in court (at least in Oklahoma). If your narcissist is like mine it will be a crazy-making process. And it's the custody that she is being craziest about. She wants full custody of kids she mostly ignored for years. And it's not outside the realm of possibility that she'll get exactly that. That's a nightmare scenario for me and my kids.

I believe you can gain a lot of advantage by carefully planning before filing anything or telling your co-parent anything. There's a book called "Splitting" (Eddy and Kreger) that covers how to divorce a narcissist. Not that you are divorcing, but it should give you some good advice.

The gist of it is that your co-parent will use your emotional vulnerabilities against you. You have to stay calm and appear to be the sane one. Thankfully that makes narcissists crazy, so there is some advantage.

u/Significant_Cupcake you are doing the right thing by cutting it off now. What you described gave me chills & brought me back to my divorce. Splitting up with someone who can’t be honest when are obvious can have it’s own unique challenges. Not sure how / if your wife fits the NPD / BPD mould, but if she does consider getting this book, it was very helpful for me during my own divorce. Good luck brother.

Then I question whether you were happily married all these years.

These books may be helpful. Good luck.

I can't answer that question, but do have a book recommendation:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Having divorced a mentally ill spouse, I want to caution you about putting too much hope into a mental health evaluation for custody. You might get what you want, but you very likely might not. You live with your stb ex. You know all the problems of interacting with your stb ex as an adult.

Custody evaluations are a different thing. The bar another parent must pass to be allowed shared custody is pretty low, and made lower by the "lights are on, cameras are rolling" (stole that from /u/Latufu I think) nature of a custody evaluation, which makes everyone present him/her self in the best possible light.

Ask yourself this: when the kids are with the other spouse, will they receive medical care if they need it, will they receive adequate nutrition to support life, will they make it to school on time, and will they have a relatively clean and safe place to sleep. Don't let your anger at your spouse cloud your judgment. If all of those questions can be answered in the affirmative, a psych evaluation will very likely be a heartbreaking waste of money and time.

Also, while I don't know CA law, in my state parents do not pick the evaluator, the courts do. From a few conversations with /u/saricher I gather that my own state and PA CA are fairly similar. I suspect that your researching this won't help you.

Sorry if I seem discouraging.

Congratulations on moving to Seattle, you are going to love it as a hiker. When you say an overnight hike, do you mean backpack in, camp, and hike back out? If so, there are so many good ones. I would try going a little farther, and going to Olympic National Park and doing Hurricane Ridge.

If you haven't gotten this book already: http://www.amazon.com/60-Hikes-Within-Miles-Including/dp/0897326954 it is a really nice one that has some trails that people don't know about.

Looks like you're very well prepared, so luck shouldn't enter into it, except where weather, animal sightings, and sunrises/sunsets are concerned, of course. Have fun!!!

PS: Your gear photo reminds me of the cover my "hiking bible", The Complete Walker, a book worth buying if only for the introduction.

• Ultralight: The Ray Jardine Way
  
  
• Ray Jardine's book Beyond Backpacking, now called Trail Life: Ray Jardine's Lightweight Backpacking is considered by some to be a bible of sorts.
  
  
• The Complete Walker is a perrenial favorite (read the 3rd ed. I think, before I did the Trail)
  
  
• I have not read Trail Tested: A Thru-Hiker's Guide To Ultralight Hiking And Backpacking but it looks interesting.
  
  
• This also looks interesting: Appalachian Trials: A Psychological and Emotional Guide To Thru-Hike the Appalachian Trail (Volume 1)
  

Love those steps.
This is a pretty good book to have if you find yourself with some time on your hands in SF... Stairway Walks http://www.amazon.com/Stairway-Walks-Francisco-Adah-Bakalinsky/dp/0899976379

All good suggestions in this thread. I've been giving this book as a gift a lot lately and it's nice to have when deciding where to drive the next day:

I bought a small digital scale for cooking - for weighing out recipe ingredients to the gram.

Then I started using it to weigh every piece of gear I own and take. The theory follows Colin Fletcher's maxim in his work The Complete Walker: 'take care of the ounces and the pounds will take care of themselves'.

I found, for example, that my 'lightweight' plastic fork is heavier than the titanium one that I was not using (for, being metal, it should be heavier, though this was not in fact true).

If I were you, I would weigh everything in this picture and see if I could find replacements that are lighter but are still functionally equivalent.

For example, your coffee filter - pretty big chunk of plastic (and it requires a finite supply of paper filters); how many grams is it? And is it lighter than this one? I bet, with careful research, you could reduce the weight of your filter by 50%.

> Planning's effects on mental health are just beginning to be appreciated.

Indeed. OP may want to take a look at Charles Montgomery's book Happy City for inspiration on how psychology and planning intertwine. It is an easy read too.

Probably three grand worth of starting gear. Shoes would normally be around $50 a pop in Central and South American, thankfully I have a friend mailing me shoes so I'm spared that expense.

Check out this book. A little dated, but very useful stuff inside.

>SuperBeast4721

Reduce friction. Sounded like fuckery to me when I first read it Fixing Your Feet, Later heard SGM Mike Glover mention it as well.


My feet are softer than a Thai Hooker's overly lubricated labia now and blister free. (Lack of STDs helps that part)

Scotty?

Johnson knew it was a scam and still was friends with Scotty, Johnson willfully built the castle because he fell in love with the area and the climate and lifestyle helped his health.

http://www.nps.gov/deva/learn/historyculture/death-valley-scotty.htm

Also, with the huge size of the park and the drastic geological differences that occur within the boundaries, there are many different elements present.

Here are some good books about the geology of the area/history and hiking.

http://www.amazon.com/Geology-Underfoot-Death-Valley-Owens/dp/0878423621

http://www.amazon.com/Hiking-Death-Valley-Natural-Wonders/dp/0965917800/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427481871&sr=1-1&keywords=hiking+death+valley

http://www.amazon.com/Important-California-history-autobiography-detailing-ebook/dp/B00AQN23CY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427481886&sr=1-1&keywords=death+valley+in+49

This book is pretty good. I have found some pretty obscure trails I would have never found otherwise.

https://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Sacramento-Including/dp/0897326040

We are in the St. Louis area!
My favorite book at the moment
60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: St. Louis: Including Sullivan, Potosi, and Farmington - (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0897328833/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_4v4xxbMWRGZKB)

Hope that helps ya some!

Happy City is brilliant. About 25% through it and I love it.

What's stopping you from moving all your shit into a storage space RIGHT NOW to keep it safe from her and finding somewhere else to stay until you can find a new job? Then you can move and persue divorce at that point.

Use credit card if you don't have the cash saved, get out NOW and get out FAST.

Read http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254. Good luck.

> I, on the other hand, am seeking out a therapist that specializes in codependency and has some expertise with borderlines. I want to know why I'm drawn to them, and how to stop it in the future. Each day is getting a little brighter as I start asking myself what I would like to do.


Amen to this, brother. You are exactly where I was a couple of years ago. Seeing your own therapist makes a huge difference going forward. If I hadn't done that, I'm sure I would have fallen into the same pattern with relationships. You'll learn what your own weaknesses are and then it's easy to spot when someone is manipulating you because of them. <Spoiler> It probably happens way more often than you even realize. Getting control of this aspect of your life, means getting control of nearly all of your life. You will start living for yourself, likely for the first time in your life.

Good luck to you.

P.S. Be prepared for her to re-neg on things as deadlines draw near. Remember, one of the the most overriding fears for a borderline is Abandonment (whether real or imagined). When it's real, about to be on paper, in court, that you are leaving her, she will flip shit. Anything she rationally understands or agreed to will go out the window. I recommend you and your lawyer both have a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

One more thing from my personal experience (yours may vary). My BPD ex-wife suggested we go through divorce mediators rather than a traditional divorce with lawyers fighting each other. I agreed. We wasted 4 months and lots of money on the mediators as she would agree to everything, then when it was time to sign the agreements, she would change her mind on big items. Then we'd start over, she'd become agreeable again, then at the last minute, change her mind again. She can't control her emotions, they control her, she can't help it. Finally, I had to go the traditional route to get it done. I should have done this from the beginning.

Hundreds of stairways traverse San Francisco’s 42 hills, exposing incredible vistas while connecting colorful, unique neighborhoods, and veteran guide Adah Bakalinsky loves them all. Her updated Stairway Walks in San Francisco explores clandestine corridors from Lands End to Bernal Heights while sharing captivating architectural, historical, pop culture, and horticultural notes along the way. Long-term locals and tourists alike have used the book for over 25 years to adventurously uncover San Francisco’s unexpected details. This revised and expanded edition has been thoroughly updated and includes three additional walks, new maps, and new color photographs. A comprehensive appendix lists every one of the city's 600-plus public stairways.

https://www.amazon.com/Stairway-Walks-Francisco-Adah-Bakalinsky/dp/0899976379

60 Hikes within 60 Miles of St. Louis is great for exploring parks and beautiful daytime views around STL, especially since it won't get super cold for a month or more.

https://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Farmington/dp/0897328833

There's a good book by Charles Liu called "60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: Phoenix: Including Tempe, Scottsdale, and Glendale"

http://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Scottsdale/dp/0897326881

... full of great stuff for all skill levels.

Bill Eddy has a great book called "Splitting," about divorcing people with personality disorders. His website also has useful information.

Part of my training as a SI practitioner, I was taught that walking gait is a 4 step process of heel rocker, midfoot rocker, ankle rocker and toe rocker.

Heel touches the ground and start calcaneus tilting medially which leads to mid arch of the foot extend and descend to touch the ground when weight moves from behind the ankle to the front. The final phase is toe flexors are extended creating spring like action when release propelling foot forward.

Higher up in the leg there are myofascial continuities that act as wound up springs, that create the rotational movement which swings the leg back - forth.

Check these out for more details.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Born-Walk-Myofascial-Efficiency-Movement/dp/1905367473/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2EI8GRXUS6CJO&keywords=born+to+walk&qid=1562221339&s=gateway&sprefix=born+to+walk%2Caps%2C140&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gait-Analysis-Normal-Pathological-Function/dp/1556427662/ref=sr_1_2?crid=H8YNGDF5F903&keywords=gait+analysis&qid=1562221363&s=gateway&sprefix=gait+anal%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-2

Check out Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I'll be completely honest with you. Leaving her may be the easier path in the long run. If you decide to divorce, check out Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Great advice. FYI, John Vonhof has a new edition of Fixing Your Feet.

I strongly recommend this book if you're married to somebody with BPD.

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Somebody I know went through a breakup and custody battle with a long term girlfriend who had/has BPD. Bad stuff. Great you want to help, but protect yourself.

Hello fellow newcomer! My wife and I have lived here about the same amount of time. I bought her Stairway Walks in San Francisco for Christmas and it has taken us to some fascinating places this past week. Highly recommended!

Thanks again. The Complete Walker is now updated to the 4th edition, printed in 2002. It looks really good and I'm adding that to my library.

If you're getting into hiking the local area I highly suggest this book: 60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: Sacramento: Including Auburn, Folsom, and Davis https://www.amazon.com/dp/0897326040/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_1nFyzbKX591VC


It'll give you a good grasp of the hiking areas around here :)

This book is GREAT.
http://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Scottsdale/dp/0897326881

I can get blisters walking to the store and back. It was the hardest part of learning to backpack.

Keep your feet as dry as possible. Lubricate your feet and put duct tape on any hot spots as soon as you notice them. The lubricant will stop the duct tape from working though, so the balance there is an art. Seems good to duct tape then put lubricant over top. Basically, this solved my problem. Powders can help because they absorb moisture.

Many swear by lukotape but mine's still in the mail, haven't tested it yet. Duct tape is cheap and you probably already own some.

I read this, it was very helpful if you need more information:

https://www.amazon.ca/Fixing-Your-Feet-Prevention-Treatments/dp/0899978304/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475083000&sr=1-1

Quite a lot, it turns out, when it comes to the health of your feet.

Here's a short article on the effect that cushioned shoes have on the ability of the lower body to absorb shock effectively (that website is also dope because it has a collection of medical literature about the effects of running shoes, if you want to look up stuff and get into the super-technical details).

I'd suggest the work of bio-mechanist Katy Bowman if you want a layperson's introduction to the effects of sneakers (or any type of footwear that effectively immobilizes the foot). I'd say pick up her books Simple Steps to Foot Pain Relief and Whole Body Barefoot for a great overview of all things foot-health related (and also listen to her podcast Move Your DNA because it is dope)

P.S.: flip-flops/foot thongs are whack, too

If I can make a recommendation, I found [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0056JX46W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) to be extremely helpful in going through the divorce process with my ex wife.

There's something about this disorder that certainly make behaviors predictable, and I'll be darned if she didn't follow most of the patterns explained in the book.

To prevent this from happening again, I HIGHLY recommend a book by a guy named John Vonhof

Fixing Your Feet: Injury Prevention and Treatments for Athletes

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0899978304/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_A2-HAbYQF65K0

I did the Ironhorse 50 in Florida in 2012 and my feet were a mess because of the wet conditions. There was a guy who taped my feet that absolutely solved the issue. He was following this book.

I bought the volume 5, though now John’s up to volume 6.

It is a fantastic book aimed at the ultra athlete and our feet. It was absolutely a game changer in how I prepped my feet for longer races.

I agree, sounds like BPD with a mix of other things.
Check out the book:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Hell yeah. Sorry for replying 2 months after you posted, but this book by Thomas McMahon will rock your socks off. I did rehab biomechanics/robotic exoskeleton development, and this book has it all, minus overviews of clinical issues/approaches to rehab. If you want that, this book is fantastic.

I got the name of the book wrong. It's this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

You can do a search for high-conflict divorces on BPD loved ones. I lurk there occasionally, but never post. I don't think it would be safe.

I'm in the process of dicorving someone who is mentally ill as well. The book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder really helped put things into perspective (which I had read it beforehand). /r/NarcissisticAbuse/ is another good resource. Protect yourself, things will probably get worse before they get better.

Get your own lawyer and put a temporary agreement in place. Don't ever talk to her lawyer about anything.

And read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Some good information in posts in this thread. If you want the bible of running/hiking footcare then check out "Fixing Your Feet" by John Vonhof:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01I8S7U44/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0

Here it is.
Yes, it's called 'learned helplessness ' and it's pretty common with abuse. But when you really think about it, you've been doing it all along, with probably little to no help from him. You're more than capable, especially once you get out from behind him holding you back. Stay prepared and you will make it. After all the threats from my ex about taking the kids away, not paying support, etc, I receive 49% of his paycheck for the next 5 years until I establish my own career that I had to put on hold while he advanced his career. You're going to be okay. Have you read the book "Why Does He Do That?"? That one I actually have as a pdf and can email it to you if you pm me your email address. Those two books changed my life!

I hadn't realized my ex got married. My condolences. RUN!

Let me suggest a book that will help.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481569764&sr=8-1&keywords=splitting

http://www.amazon.com/Hiking-Death-Valley-Natural-Wonders/dp/0965917800/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1322638315&sr=8-4

this book has a lot of good info on the trails and how to access them also.

I'd either buy or borrow a copy from your library of The Complete Walker IV and read it. That should help you get started.

Here are some things I carry that aren't on your list:

• Rope or 550 paracord
  
• Matches and a butane lighter
  
• Survival/repair kit, which is a space blanket, garbage bag, signal mirror, magnesium striker, more matches, seam sealer, patch kit for my pad, and iodine tablets
  
• Water filter
  
• GPS, topo maps, plotter, and golf pencil and notepad
  
• Headlamp
  
• Scotch-brite pad for cleaning pot
  
• REI shammie towel
  
• Dry sack for sleeping bag and stuff sacks for everything else
  
• Bug spray and sunscreen, if needed
  
• Extra batteries for GPS and headlamp
  
• Rain gear

Maybe [this] (http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254) could help?

Help for divorcing a BPD or an NPD

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W

One more thing - saw this mentioned today and it might help you: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480342616&sr=8-1&keywords=book+splitting

There's a book about this that might help you, called "Splitting"

Get this book. I got it digitally from my local library:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger

It was a real eye opener for me. They will rush into court looking for "emergency" court orders etc. and it is very important to know how to deal with that. It even includes a chapter on how to find a lawyer who understands how BPDs behave.

I have this book, which is kind of fun: http://www.amazon.com/Stairway-Walks-Francisco-Adah-Bakalinsky/dp/0899976379

http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html

I got this book and it had some good tips for lawyers, dealing with likely strategies by her to attack, etc

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

I've just completed a divorce, and when you get some breathing room your own mind becomes an easier place to live. She's still working on various tactics and strategies to get to me, but overall I'm measuring a steady decline in how often I have to go back to the funhouse mirror self-referencing thought loop of thinking about her and her actions.

Holy cow, can't believe no one has mentioned this book yet: http://www.amazon.com/Hikes-Within-Miles-Including-Farmington/dp/0897328833

Also, this guy posts videos and blogs about just about every trail within a day's drive of STL.

The Complete Walker by Colin Fletcher

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Walker-IV-Colin-Fletcher/dp/0375703233

The Complete Walker

Read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Walker-IV-Colin-Fletcher/dp/0375703233
Everything you ever wanted to know about walking (hiking).

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539625721&sr=8-1&keywords=splitting+protecting+yourself+while+divorcing

Ocean Beach was the first place that came to my mind too.

Take yourself on a stairway walk.
https://www.amazon.com/Stairway-Walks-Francisco-Adah-Bakalinsky/dp/0899976379

The city offers a ton of places to go and decompress.

Check out Stairway Walks in San Francisco for a different view of SF.

Colin Fletcher, The Complete Walker, is a classic.

Read the book Fixing Your Feet: Preventions and Treatments for Athletes

I recommend waiting until the divorce is done. This book helped me get out of similar position with as little damage as possible. https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

> I walk around on eggshells all the time.

That key phrase is important. You might be dealing with a borderline personality disorder spouse. I highly recommend you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder. If that resonates with you, then read the follow up book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Forget dating until after divorce. You need time to heal, and rushing back into a relationship too soon will make you vulnerable to a predator.

As far as guilt goes, marriage takes two committed spouses. Those vows are not one sided. So stop feeling guilty you're the only one trying to uphold them.

The definitive guide to all things foot related. NFI

Fixing Your Feet: Injury Prevention and Treatments for Athletes https://www.amazon.com/dp/0899978304/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IlHrDb4PJ3JXC

Check out this book! Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Talks about the necessity of documenting everything, doing stuff in front of witnesses, the inevitability of them turning mean and how to deal with that, etc.

http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_2/178-0859577-1234539?ie=UTF8&qid=1395119062&sr=8-2&keywords=divorcing+a+narcissist

This is sort of tangential advice, but he (and you, too) might be interested in this book. Divorces can be very messy, but tons of people go through them and survive, and there are many professionals who are used to dealing with high conflict personalities.

Are you divorcing? Or were you never married?

If so look into this book:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_r2vRBb2RFAE9T

1. Get this book https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254 read it, and follow the instructions
   
   
2. Get a lawyer who understands the behaviour patterns. My first one didn't and kept expecting XW to be reasonable. This failed. My new lawyer took one look at her communications, said "you will never, ever reason with this person" and has helped me get it to court asap. Mediation etc is fine for two normal people who are having difficulties communicating because they are dealing with the emotional fallout of a marriage ending. If one of those people has a PD, it's generally a total waste of time (unless you have a specialist mediator, I suppose).
   
   
3. Get a counsellor who has experience helping people recover from narcissistic abuse. The sooner you start seeing her the better.
   
   
4. Expect hell. Your STBX will lie, cheat, blame to a far greater extent once they know the game is up. But as Churchill said - if you're going through hell, keep going.
   
   
5. Take notes and evidence constantly. Cross reference things. N's are quite convincing liars on the surface, but they have trouble maintaining consistency . That's where you trip them up in conjunction with your lawyer
   
   
6. NEVER, EVER suggest to them or the court that they have a PD. That will go very badly for you. You're not qualified to make that diagnosis, and it may turn the court against you. Instead just focus on patterns of behaviour.
   
   
7. I found this book very useful - it's a book on philosophy which is great for dealing with situations where you have very little power. https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614
   
   
8. Get your family and friends and support network in place before you make your move. Warn them that your STBX may play the victim and try and manipulate them. My XW took to messaging and calling my business partner's wife constantly in an effort to turn him against me. It caused me some problems initially, but we have it sorted now.

No slap intended at all. My apologies that it was expressed that way.

It's just the process and the reality of it. In my experience, Family court doesn't care, the lawyers don't care, and unless there is photographic evidence someone is beating / abusing the children, the family court kind of dismisses these complaints about the other spouse as emotional background noise, so to speak.

Here's my peptalk for you:
If taking a bunch of raggedy OLD toys and clothes is all it costs to get her out of your house, don't think of it as money lost - then think of it as tuition for the education you are getting - she's teaching you how she will behave in the future. And when people tell show you who they are, believe them. You can look into getting NEW toys and clothes for the kids. Or make it a new activity, you and the kids check out garage sales on the weekends to get replacement toys.

Go for 50-50 shared joint and legal custody and don't accept anything less. The property division, who gets the microwave - it's all bullshit compared to your relationship with your kids. One bit of advice - don't ever move more than short distance away from where your kids are. Stay in their day-to-day lives. It's so super important.

Maybe others have had different experiences, but that's been mine. The higher earner gets screwed and the drama should hopefully all be ironed out within a few years.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, "Is this really worth the cost of what it's doing to me emotionally?"

She's angry, and taking it out on you by trying to grab all the cookies she can. You're absolutely right, the way she is behaving is childish, aggressive, petty, and only serves to make the situation much more hostile. She's wrong for doing that. She and her mother are equating objects and property with value. The kids are the most valuable thing here.

One of life's most basic laws is that every single act of generosity will multiply and return to you many times over. Her actions will have consequences - a good deed is a seed for future kindness; a bad deed is a landmine which will be brought up again and hurt others in the future. She's going to poison her relationship with the kids by these actions, kids aren't stupid.

It sounds like you have been dealing with the emotional rollercoaster for a while. I don't know your situation, but I'd like to suggest you check out the book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254 by Bill Eddy. He's a mediator and it's a fantastic book for explaining why people do the things they do during divorce. I think you'll recognize your ex in a lot of that book.

I completely and totally understand feeling like "WTF?!?! Attorney you're supposed to be fighting for me!!" Here's the reality - the more you want your attorney to fight, the more money they will be charging you and it's a never ending cycle. You can always make more money.

Good luck to you. I am sorry you're going through this. It's like being an emotional burn victim for a couple of years. You carry the scars with you, but you live to fight another day. Sorry for the novel. : )

Been there, done that.

How a BPD Love relationship evolves:

http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

This is word for word what we went through.

Now we're at this stage:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321083926&sr=8-1

The start of that book has a list of ~25 or so BPD behaviors in a divorce. She's following 22 of them.

She's working from a script, and you're not part of it.

The person you think you're marrying doesn't exist. No one exists there. Instead, she's little more than a grab-bag collection of needs fears, insecurities, and coping techniques.

I didn't know. You don't have that excuse.

You need her to be in therapy NOW. You both need to go regularly. You MUST go by yourself to a different therapist once a month. That therapist will help you keep your boundaries. A BPD has no boundaries, and without professional help, you will lose your boundaries too.

I'm so sorry.

Purchase and read Splitting from cover to cover before you do anything. When you initiate the split, things will get worse and you need to know how to protect yourself.

>I'm starting to wonder if I have BPD

You don't have BPD. At worst, it's very common to 'catch fleas' from your BPD partner. If you leave, your BPD-like symptoms will diminish. I would also suggest therapy once you're out.

Have a look at:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

http://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_2&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.

I have read:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463149523&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells

This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.

My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.

Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.

It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.

Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.

Also divorcing a BPD woman. A few notes for you:

1. Do not talk to police, ever. She will accuse you of something so that she gets the tables tilted in her favor. Do not talk to the police. Don't admit anything, don't answer any questions, and if they call you on the phone, hang up.
   
2. Don't sign anything. Not from her, not from her lawyer. Don't agree to any concession, ever. She will use it to extract every dollar, every ounce of emotional energy, and every minute of parenting time from you and your kids.
   
3. Check the recording laws in your state. Record every conversation you have with her from here on out.
   
4. As soon as it is possible, move back into your marital home. it will be uncomfortable, but it will be a deciding factor in determining custody.
   
5. Get in touch with a Domestic Violence group and get a restraining order against her. It may be your first and best line of defense (and she will violate it, I promise).
   
   A BPD cannot cooperate. They must control, they must preserve conflict and must paint someone as an abuser so they appear as a victim. There is no medication for this. Only years of therapy will help, and BPD don't believe there is anything wrong with them so therapy is never a real option.
   
   Get ready to stay on the offensive. Your divorce may cost you an arm and a leg but you can not concede anything or you'll spend the rest of your life reeling backwards.
   
   Pick up a copy of Splitting and follow its advice to a T, even if it seems exaggerated or hokey. Good luck.
   

> i would take your daughter and leave if possible, but im sure you know that that will be nearly impossible. If I were in your shoes, I would take off and try to start a new stable life for your daughter to be involved in.

No. Let me repeat that - NO. Talk to a lawyer first. If he takes off with her, chances are he'll get fucked for it when it comes to the custody battle in the divorce. Men usually get the short end of the stick in custody cases. If he's had her arrested, there is only a mark on her record if charges were pressed and a conviction was made. Otherwise, her lawyer could try to play the "he hit me, and I was defending myself" argument. Even then, if the history of abuse against him is there, they still might give her some leeway because she didn't abuse the kid.

Consult a lawyer before doing anything. I hate to say this, but request a psych eval, and use it against her in the custody fight. As someone with BPD and is married, this book scares the fuck out of me:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344279069&sr=1-1&keywords=borderline+personality+disorder+divorce

Good luck.