It's a bunch of gobbledygook about the generations and the kingdom and all of that. It's all nonsense. In my humble opinion, you need to de-indoctrinate yourself to fully remove these types of fears. Not sure if I've shared this post with you before, but here's what I did personally:

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking

Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.


For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

Another way to clear out the cobwebs is to read and listen to exiting stories. Here are some resources:

https://leavingjw.org

Here is a post with links to a bunch of podcasts interviewing JWs who've left

Here's another bunch of podcasts about JWs

Here is a great book from Psychotherapist and former JW Bonnie Zieman - Exiting the JW Cult: A Helping Handbook

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

To go further down the rabbit hole, watch this series.

Here's a nice series debunking most creationist "logic".

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Welcome!

I think the first, best advice I can give you is,

Step 1: Love yourself

It sounds like you are in a very hopeful and positive space today, but -- hold onto that self-love as you embark on this journey.

The book I recommend is amazon.com: The Courage To Heal. The title focuses on child sexual abuse, but it covered a lot of ground that was new to me.

Is your partner supportive of your journey to understand your sexuality?

If so, then I think the next step is to enroll him in your journey. Give the book I recommended to him, and tell him a man in a similar position to his recommended it to him. =)

(My partner is also a CPTSD sufferer, with a religious upbringing, sexual abuse, touch aversion and sex repulsion.)

For rebuilding your understanding of sexuality, I suggest that you start with the foundations of shame. I understand that your CPTSD background has made "Shame" a particularly strong lever in your psyche, so let me start by kicking the straw man fallacies:

> "The dinosaurs had sex and they died."

Yes. However, every single one of my ancestors for 4.5 billion years has had sex -- if any one of them hadn't, I would not exist. +1 for sex

> "women who derive any pleasure from sex are whores"

Women's bodies were designed to give them pleasure from stimulation of the clitoris (both inside and outside). That means women who derive any pleasure from sex are .. women who relax and enjoy sex.

.....

My advice for rebuilding your understanding of sexuality and physical intimacy from the ground up is to declare yourself a virgin again. =)

Take PIV intercourse off of the table entirely, and start back at exploring your body like a curious teenager:

Kiss. Make out. Explore without there being any expectation of it "leading somewhere".

If that is a step too far, I suggest you explore "Sensate Focus Touch" to help you begin to experience sensual touch in a positive way. (Its a foundational step for experiencing sexual touch in a positive way.)

If and only if you are comfortable discussing this, and want more coaching, feel free to reach out to me via PM or Chat.

Congratulations on the amazing work you have done, that you feel ready to tackle this -- your courage and strength are seriously inspiring!!!!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

> Isn't this the whole reason a sexual interest in children even exists?

One prominent theory behind the cause of paedophilia in this book - the extract below from this book, but is based on the first source.

>...Another form of evidence is to use data on brain structure and neuroendocrinology. This has some fascinating implications both for understanding how many paedophiles there may be in a population and also what the biochemical basis of paedophilia (or at least some aspects of it) might be. Studies have looked at how the male human brain is ‘masculinised’ and ‘defeminised’ by hormones circulating in the mother’s body while the baby is still in the womb.

>At the embryo stage, all babies are ‘female’ in that, unless acted upon by specific hormones, babies develop the internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and forms of brain structure which are ‘feminine’ or ‘female-typical’. Only in the relative presence of certain hormones and the relative absence of others will embryos develop into males. In order to become male, therefore, an embryo needs both to be actively ‘masculinised’ and also actively ‘defeminised’.

>The process of masculinisation occurs first, then defeminisation. According to biologists studying animal models (Feierman 1990; Hutchison and Hutchison 1990), the neurochemical process of masculinisation links sexuality with ‘social dominance’ behaviours, that is, competitive aggressiveness, active ‘courtship’ and ‘mounting’ or ‘insertion’ behaviours. This linking of sexuality with social dominance makes males sexually attracted to ‘small’, ‘weak’, ‘young’ and ‘helpless’ individuals (Feierman 1990: 46).

>Feierman suggests that the brains of paedophiles are ‘extremely masculinised’ (1990: 46; later Feierman adjusts this to ‘slightly more masculinised than occurs in adult heterosexual males’, 1990: 53), making them more likely to find extremely submissive (that is, very small, weak, young and helpless) individuals the most sexually attractive.

>The neurochemical process of defeminisation removes the ‘female-typical’ behaviour patterns (such as mammals sticking out their bottoms to encourage males to mate with them – think Marilyn Monroe, if you will) and at the same time increases the likelihood that males will find such ‘feminised’ behaviour sexually alluring (think of the typical heterosexual male response to Monroe).

>Feierman claims that paedophiles are ‘slightly less defeminised’ than heterosexual men (1990: 53), thus they would be less likely to be aroused by typical ‘feminine’ behaviours.

>Sociobiological explanations for human behaviour do have a rather conservative tendency to look at what is, and then search for explanations in unlikely places (mice, reptiles, birds and so forth) to explain and justify the social status quo; however, the two-dimensional model of embryonic brain masculinisation and brain defeminisation can both suggest why some men might find children sexually attractive and also predict, given a normal distribution curve for this biochemical process, what order of magnitude we might expect for paedophiles in a population.

>Feierman (1990: 51), looking only at men, suggests that ‘the central tendency in evolution is to produce heterosexual males by producing an optimal amount of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain in utero.’ When the levels of masculinisation and defeminisation are slightly skewed, homosexuality, paedophilia (to either males or females) or transsexualism will result. From this model, Feierman predicts that, in any given population of men, paedophiles will be more common than homosexuals who will in turn be more common than transsexuals. He also predicts that:

>If the distribution of the points in the model reflects differing degrees of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain, then there is every reason to believe that the distributions would actually be continuous across all males rather than being discontinuous around arbitrary and nonmutually exclusive categories such as ‘heterosexual’ and ‘androphilic ephebophile’ [a man attracted to adolescent boys]. (Feirerman 1990: 52)

>Feierman later describes this rather technically but memorably in the following way:

>[Paedophiles] are the ‘by-products’ of the inevitable biological variation around a selected central tendency. So that most males will ‘love’ children and adolescents just the right amount…some males will unfortunately love them too little and some too much. Such males, who love children and adolescents to a degree more than average or less than average, will be carried along in a population in the tails of frequency distributions. …It is most likely, therefore, that pedo- and ephebophilia are individual, facultative proclivities that are bent out of the tails of hormonal frequency distributions around the optimum brain masculinisation and brain feminisation of the ‘average male’. (Feierman 1990: 559, 563)

>In other words, Feierman seems to be implicitly proposing four important hypotheses in this model:
>1. Paedophilia is caused by brain chemistry arising before birth: that is, paedophiles are born, not made.
>2. Paedophiles fall within a normal distribution curve for human males.
>3. Paedophiles are more common than homosexuals.
>4. Sexual attraction to individuals smaller and more ‘feminine’ than oneself (including boys and young adolescents) is part of a continuum occurring in all males, not just paedophiles, and thus there is no clear cut-off point between a ‘paedophile’ and a ‘non-paedophile’.

This would support your belief that the attraction towards children is characterised by a desire to dominate them, but reading the first hand accounts of self-professed paedophiles suggests otherwise. Paedophiles who describe their attraction as romantic or as an infatuation, describe how they consider the objects of their attraction to be equal to them, and how their fantasies often involve the children taking control. This would suggest that more is going on than a simple domination preference. More research needs to be done in this area.

>Also, I wouldn't call 20% common, but definitely a considerable value.

Given what is quoted above, that it is likely to be more common than homosexuality, I would argue that it is common.

>So, nearly half? That's even more considerable.

Well, 30% is the most common percentage reported, but there is some overlap with incest offenders.

>Anyone with a sexual interest in children needs to see a therapist, or never act upon those desires. Please

Agreed, but I think society needs to do more to make this an option as a mandatory reporting laws mean that many paedophiles would face possible investigation or being outed as a paedophile despite never having acted on their feelings.

OMG of COURSE you did the right thing!! Your childhood sounds absolutely terrifying.

What also hits me about his is that you wre obviously the designated scapegoat for the whole dynamic... your presence being used to mitigate and absorb the other's violence and rages and abuse. No wonder they are going crazy trying to pull you back in... you got out of the trap, and they're all still rats in a cage, literally now turning on each other in their viciousness.

Practice a LOT of self care. I'm glad you've built such a wonderful life for yourself, but I think maybe you need to give yourself a few extra "presents" for Christmas this year - meet with an attorney, and have them send Cease and Desist letters to ALL of the individuals you've just described. And then for the second present, get yourself a nice therapist, if you don't already have one, to help you process all of this and to be part of your healing process.

Everyone's recommending the book I've been reading lately, and I can personally vouch for how awesome it is: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

I'd also recommend Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts to read on your vacation, it's all about how we, as women, are culturally (and in our ACON cases, abusively) conditioned to put ourselves last, and how to turn that conditioning around. THIS is a great life moment for you to learn to prioritize YOUR happiness and YOUR desires, and learn that making your life fun takes both courage and discipline - the courage to own your truth and the discipline to manage how you choose to perceive the situation, and your level of power in it, and take care of self-nurturing YOU instead. The book is all about sex, feminine power, and that you deserve to have fun and completely follow your passions. It sounds like you are already doing that, so this book will absolutely help you move forward in that journey and support your already brilliant success.

Let’s talk reality here. You are not this man’s equal. To him you’re a pretty girl he can ‘break in’ and fuck, manipulate, and control, because you’re naive. He’s got money and experience, hence all the control in this potential relationship. Said he got divorced but you don’t know why do you? Not really. Could be this is a pattern and his wife found out.

Facts here. You are his coworker’s very young daughter. He’s only been working there a couple years which is a very short amount of time. This dude who waited for your dad to leave to hit on you is exhibiting Extremely Poor Judgement on so many levels. He’s risking you telling your dad which will probably fuck up their friendship, which is already fucked, your dad just doesn’t know it yet. Even if you do nothing or all the things with that guy, he is still the guy who went after his friend’s daughter behind his back.

I mean honestly, there’s no good way this will play out here. This dude is telling you want you want to hear (so mature and smart). Point is to make you feel good and valued, it’s the beginning of what’s called grooming. How will your dad feel if you say yes? Would you reject your dad for this man you honestly barely know? Btw the odds of your dad staying friends with this guy no matter what are not high, but you gotta decide who you want to be loyal to.

This isn’t going to last even if you do go. He’s 50+, in 20 years he could be in an assisted care facility. In 30 he will probably be dead. In 20 years you should be living your awesome life, maybe have kids or working a career you love or traveling or who knows… or you could be wasting your key years of young adultness on this old ass who is gonna manipulate you as long as he can.

I’m in my mid 40s, and young adults like you are very attractive. Y’all so filled with life and excitement, and there’s a thrill about beginning your life that many of us would like to re-experience. But people your are are basically baby adults. You have spent the majority of your life as a child. Your early 20s are key years where you learn what it is to be an adult. They may not be the best years of your life but what you do now will be the foundation of what will come. Because of that people my age should be mentors, not lovers.

I would strongly advise you not use this precious time and sabotage your relationships with your family and friends for some old dick.


So, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY, here’s my advice.

Do this only on your terms. Do not give him power over you. He wants what you are, that gives you bargaining power. He may offer money or gifts, be clear that if you accept that you don’t want to feel obligated to him for sex or time. Prioritize your life above everything. Don’t quit college if you’re in school and don’t quit your job if you have one. Even if he offers to pay for everything. The moment he does that for you, you lose all agency. Best advice my G-ma had was you should always have ‘mad money’ to get you out of any situation/relationship. Keep in contact with friends, don’t let him isolate you from everyone who loves you.

May/December relationships rarely last. Anything is possible but that doesn’t make it probable. Maybe this dude is legit and just happened to get a crush on a girl old enough to be his adult daughter and otherwise he’s healthy and stable. From the other side though, people who date young adults generally go through them like tissue leaving emotional damage wake behind them. You’re not on the same level, he has practice and knows exactly what to say to you to get you to melt. Sounds appealing until you figure out he’s just using you.


If you have any twinge of doubt, listen to it.

There’s a book I think all young people should read called The gift of fear. It covers situations like this.

Honestly if this dude was legit he would have talked to your dad, his friend, before making a pass.

Good luck.

Howdy, thanks for sharing your story, glad you're here! In response to u/edmonddantes1975 this is what I did to de-indoctrinate myself:

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking

Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.


For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

Another way to clear out the cobwebs is to read and listen to exiting stories. Here are some resources:

https://leavingjw.org

Here is a post with links to a bunch of podcasts interviewing JWs who've left

Here's another bunch of podcasts about JWs

Here is a great book from Psychotherapist and former JW Bonnie Zieman - Exiting the JW Cult: A Helping Handbook

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

> I don't want a diagnosis via internet forum, but does it make sense to go against my therapist (who won't ever diagnose me with Asperger's because I can communicate OK with him one-on-one) and pursue a diagnosis from a specialist?

Yes, it absolutely makes sense. I've seen so many reports from others who have been in a similar situation, diagnosed multiple times with various conditions, with the possibility of Asperger's/autism repeatedly dismissed on superficial grounds, as if the mind isn't full of layers, many of which are hidden beneath the surface.

> Could it be that I flew under the radar for so long?

Indeed. Especially as a woman, there's a strong bias to attribute your behaviors and qualities to anything other than Asperger's. This bias exists both in general culture (for example, hormones are used to explain away so many female behaviors without any real consideration) and in the culture of the mental health profession (largely due to the original research decades ago focusing on male children, almost completely ignoring both females of any age and adults of any gender).

I'm a male myself, but it wasn't until recently, when the profession started to wake up to the possibility of Asperger's being just as prevalent in women as it is in men, that I started finding resources that I really connected with. Thus, I suspected I had Asperger's when I was 24, but it was only once I was 32 and revisited the subject that I found all the stories by other "under-the-radar" aspies, many of them women, and could truly connect with those experiences, learning from them and learning about myself more deeply. I certainly have some male stereotypes too, but the stereotypes have done a lot of harm, causing many people to go unrecognized for so long.

> And does anyone have tips for pursuing a diagnosis?

I just got done reading the book I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults, and I think it could be a useful read for you. Some of the details of the middle chapters are US-specific, so their usefulness will depend upon your location, as the diagnosis process differs quite a bit throughout the world. It's also a quick read. (I should have gotten this book a while ago; I had read the author's second book on the subject, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, over a year ago and loved it, as well as many articles on her blog Musings of an Aspie, and her first book indeed had the same quality.)

A somewhat longer book which I'd also recommend, with more of a focus on the reflective and emotional side of the diagnostic process, and less on the concrete details, is Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): How Seeking a Diagnosis in Adulthood Can Change Your Life.

I'd also recommend considering finding a therapist/counselor who specializes in adult Asperger's/ASD, without necessarily focusing on an official diagnosis, at least in the short term. If you can relate to the experiences shared by adult aspies, and you feel like you are obtaining deeper self-understanding and highly applicable advice from books and online, it only stands to reason that you could find similar help from a counselor who is willing to approach your situation from that angle. I found a great counselor by very cautiously reading through the descriptions on the Psychology Today therapist search page. Might've gotten a little lucky that my first pick was a good pick, but it worked for me. Also, insurance might complicate this; I paid out of pocket, so I was free to go wherever for whatever reason.

So yeah, that's the essence of my advice: Self-directed research through books, blogs, and online communities, a sympathetic counselor regardless of current diagnostic status, and plenty of time and space for introspection. Also, be liberal with the self-love; when a person internalizes the perceived expectations of the society around them and feels like they are always failing to satisfy those expectations, it can be brutally debilitating, and can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Learning how to wisely choose and live by my own expectations was one of the best things I've ever done.

From this book.

Section III: How many paedophiles are there?
Another form of evidence is to use data on brain structure and neuroendocrinology. This has some fascinating implications both for understanding how many paedophiles there may be in a population and also what the biochemical basis of paedophilia (or at least some aspects of it) might be. Studies have looked at how the male human brain is ‘masculinised’ and ‘defeminised’ by hormones circulating in the mother’s body while the baby is still in the womb.

At the embryo stage, all babies are ‘female’ in that, unless acted upon by specific hormones, babies develop the internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and forms of brain structure which are ‘feminine’ or ‘female-typical’. Only in the relative presence of certain hormones and the relative absence of others will embryos develop into males. In order to become male, therefore, an embryo needs both to be actively ‘masculinised’ and also actively ‘defeminised’.

The process of masculinisation occurs first, then defeminisation. According to biologists studying animal models (Feierman 1990; Hutchison and Hutchison 1990), the neurochemical process of masculinisation links sexuality with ‘social dominance’ behaviours, that is, competitive aggressiveness, active ‘courtship’ and ‘mounting’ or ‘insertion’ behaviours. This linking of sexuality with social dominance makes males sexually attracted to ‘small’, ‘weak’, ‘young’ and ‘helpless’ individuals (Feierman 1990: 46).

Feierman suggests that the brains of paedophiles are ‘extremely masculinised’ (1990: 46; later Feierman adjusts this to ‘slightly more masculinised than occurs in adult heterosexual males’, 1990: 53), making them more likely to find extremely submissive (that is, very small, weak, young and helpless) individuals the most sexually attractive.

The neurochemical process of defeminisation removes the ‘female-typical’ behaviour patterns (such as mammals sticking out their bottoms to encourage males to mate with them – think Marilyn Monroe, if you will) and at the same time increases the likelihood that males will find such ‘feminised’ behaviour sexually alluring (think of the typical heterosexual male response to Monroe).

Feierman claims that paedophiles are ‘slightly less defeminised’ than heterosexual men (1990: 53), thus they would be less likely to be aroused by typical ‘feminine’ behaviours.

Sociobiological explanations for human behaviour do have a rather conservative tendency to look at what is, and then search for explanations in unlikely places (mice, reptiles, birds and so forth) to explain and justify the social status quo; however, the two-dimensional model of embryonic brain masculinisation and brain defeminisation can both suggest why some men might find children sexually attractive and also predict, given a normal distribution curve for this biochemical process, what order of magnitude we might expect for paedophiles in a population.

Feierman (1990: 51), looking only at men, suggests that ‘the central tendency in evolution is to produce heterosexual males by producing an optimal amount of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain in utero.’ When the levels of masculinisation and defeminisation are slightly skewed, homosexuality, paedophilia (to either males or females) or transsexualism will result. From this model, Feierman predicts that, in any given population of men, paedophiles will be more common than homosexuals who will in turn be more common than transsexuals. He also predicts that:

If the distribution of the points in the model reflects differing degrees of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain, then there is every reason to believe that the distributions would actually be continuous across all males rather than being discontinuous around arbitrary and nonmutually exclusive categories such as ‘heterosexual’ and ‘androphilic ephebophile’ [a man attracted to adolescent boys]. (Feirerman 1990: 52)

Feierman later describes this rather technically but memorably in the following way:

[Paedophiles] are the ‘by-products’ of the inevitable biological variation around a selected central tendency. So that most males will ‘love’ children and adolescents just the right amount…some males will unfortunately love them too little and some too much. Such males, who love children and adolescents to a degree more than average or less than average, will be carried along in a population in the tails of frequency distributions. …It is most likely, therefore, that pedo- and ephebophilia are individual, facultative proclivities that are bent out of the tails of hormonal frequency distributions around the optimum brain masculinisation and brain feminisation of the ‘average male’. (Feierman 1990: 559, 563)

In other words, Feierman seems to be implicitly proposing four important hypotheses in this model:

1. Paedophilia is caused by brain chemistry arising before birth: that is, paedophiles are born, not made.
   
2. Paedophiles fall within a normal distribution curve for human males.
   
3. Paedophiles are more common than homosexuals.
   
4. Sexual attraction to individuals smaller and more ‘feminine’ than oneself (including boys and young adolescents) is part of a continuum occurring in all males, not just paedophiles, and thus there is no clear cut-off point between a ‘paedophile’ and a ‘non-paedophile’.
   
   Feierman is also, of course, conflating ‘love’ with sexual attraction, but, leaving that on one side, these are still some pretty hefty claims and would clearly need a great deal of substantiating evidence. Hutchison and Hutchison, for example, working for the British Medical Research Council Neuroendocrine Development and Behaviour Group and writing on ‘Sexual development at the neurohormonal level: the role of androgens’, are more cautious, commenting that most work so far has been carried out on animal models such as rodents and birds, as well as in-vitro experiments and that postnatal social experience ‘appears to be more influential in human development than it is in the development of nonhuman species’ (1990: 538). Feierman would also need to explain why, if this is an evolutionary biological process, we do not find paedophile behaviour in animals, including in primates (for evidence that we do not, see chapters in Feierman’s own edited volume, 1990).
   
   Following on from Feierman’s implication that sexual attraction to children may represent a continuum within human male sexuality, a further way to approach the question of the prevalence of paedophilia is to look at what ‘normal’ adults – who are not defined in any way as ‘paedophile’ – may reveal about their sexual attraction to children.
   
   There are eight studies in total which have been conducted to date, which begin to help us answer the question of how many paedophiles there are, by looking at the responses of ‘normal’ men in the general adult male population (and one of the studies also included women in their study). The studies relied on three basic methods: direct self-report (what the research subjects themselves said about their sexual arousal to children); more general questionnaire responses (which included measurements such as ‘sexual impulsivity’ and self-esteem); and physical responses.
   

Hey Ladies!

So there's a couple of books I'd like to share. For me personally, continuing to look at deep issues in my life is helping me as I search for my Ms. Right. I, too, am still looking. I like these books because they help me clarify what I'm looking for.

And, cause I'm safety girl, the last recommendation (the de Becker book) is a great one about trusting our intuition, about assessing human behavior and predicting what someone might do. I wish that one was required reading, heh, cause I feel we all could benefit from reading it.

Richo, How to Be an Adult An amazing book on setting boundaries, caring for one's self. I totally bristled at the title at first, but this stuff is really great. Richo takes a Buddhist/Jungian/integration perspective that I feel I have been searching for my entire life, fwiw. Which brings me to my next recommendation:

Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships Enough said, it's a great book.

de Becker, The Gift of Fear de Becker is an expert in security--another list of ways we can learn to trust our intuitions, our "gut" to keep ourselves safe.

How I carry myself, my inner life, really affects what happens in my environment, I feel. For example, I totally flirted with a hot girl on a bicycle the other day--she stopped and came back to talk to me! I felt like a million bucks. However, I got skeered and didn't ask for her number (doh!). My "excuse" is that she looked about 22 (and I'm 34, perhaps a bit too much of an age gap for me). But damn, it felt good.

As an introvert, it can be difficult to "turn it on" and be outward-directed and friendly to people, but it's getting easier with practice. And I have a beautiful lambda necklace I like to wear sometimes, to hopefully signal my sapphic nature to the ladies. ;)

1. He resents you because he feels obligation to keep you entertained. He's putting an unreasonable expectation on himself. You need to sit down and explain to him that you and he can have your own interests, and spend time apart, and that's okay. Loving each other doesn't mean spending every waking moment doing the same things. And if you like sitting around the house and playing video games, so be it. Every couple learns this within the first few years.
   
   
2. The other side of that coin is, you need to be completely honest with each other about your needs. In other words, if that "You should go" was a loaded, "You should go, but you're going to pay for it later because I'm going to make you feel guilty," don't do that. If it really, honest to god wasn't loaded, then he got his wires crossed because he thought it was. You need to tell him when you want companionship, and if you say it's okay for him to go, you should be okay with it. It goes both ways, too. He needs to be honest as well.
   
   
3. Friends drift apart as people's priorities and lifestyles change. It's a natural part of life, and it happens. Life is all about choices, and if he chose you over his friends, that's a choice he made freely and is free to undo at least until you get married. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and take responsibility for being an adult and making decisions. Resenting you for a natural process is a bullshit move; you need to stop this tendency right now, or when he hits his midlife crisis it could be all your fault. There are a thousand things he's going to miss out on because of the compromise that is commitment; the opportunity to become a bad-ass secret ops super soldier, or to move to Alaska and become a lumberjack, or to live in Japan for six months, or to have sex with three supermodels at the same time, or become a priest. Whatever scenario he can possibly dream up that he chose not to do in order to put energy into the relationship. You will make choices in life because of your commitment. Everyone does. That's what a relationship is, and you can't blame each other for the cost of it. Life is about making choices and accepting the consequences. If he's got unfinished business that he's going to resent you for forever, the best move is to end the relationship and move on. If he wants to choose the relationship, fine, let him choose it, and do so freely and with no regrets.
   
   
4. Making you feel guilt or like the did this monumental thing for you in order to leverage something for his own gain is a tactic called loan sharking. It's a bullshit move, a red flag, and emotional manipulation. If he tries to leverage the guilt he's making you feel, call him out on it. You don't owe him shit; you're a team. If he doesn't want to be part of the team, he's free to leave at any time, but he'd better decide before the wedding.
   
   This may sound completely unrelated, but you may want to read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

I would think that really important things to learn first would be proper situational awareness, and learning how to avoid things before they become problems, and learning how to run. I think a great cardio routine and the ability to put it in full gear with a sprint would be a great too. And then having the endurance to outrun your attacker. If you have to engage I think having a weapon on you (legal in your state) could even the odds, yet be sure you practice with that weapon and use it in a way where it can't be turned against you. Practice reaching for it too and pulling it out, and then be prepared to run afterwards. If you can't do that and somehow you still get taken into the fight then I would recommend BJJ, which will help you permit someone's bodyweight to go in the direction you want it to more and give you more of a fighting chance off the ground, and also Judo so you can help trip larger opponents (and then run). If you have to strike I would recommend something that has live sparring like boxing, kickboxing, or certain forms of karate, just so you get used to being hit and figure out the spacing needed for combat. Once you get used to that you'll be able to fight easier, and then run. And if you can practice going from one thing to the other, from striking to grappling. and vice-versa. Also learn to use your voice, and your posture, be assertive. Sometimes being direct but non-confrontational with people, (is there something I can do for you?) letting them know that you see them in a confident tone with direct but non threatening eye contact can let people know that you see them and maybe make them think twice.

I would recommend some books

Defensive Living: Preserving Your Personal Safety through Awareness, Attitude and Armed Action

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

Solo Training 2: The Martial Artist's Guide to Building the Core for Stronger, Faster, and More Effective Grappling, Kicking, and Punching (there are some great tips in here for the mental side of the game too, including tips for women)

Good luck with everything.

Also there's a great DVD set How to Defeat the Bigger Stronger Opponent with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

And Frank Shamrock has a good series on Defending the takedown Avoiding Takedown is Simple Part 1/3 (this one's on youtube Edit: Warning at some point there's some crackling in the right ear, be careful if you're on headphones)

Good luck!

From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.


In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.


This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.


I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.


Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.

Start by being kind to yourself, and making sure YOUR basic needs are met as Priority #1... so no, you can't completely break down in front of your kids, and they depend on you, but honey as the mom of a 16 year old - your kids will be better off with YOU being genuinely better off, not slapping a Happy Face on misery. Go ahead and give yourself permission to call in a babysitter for regular blocks of time for you to be able to let your feelings out for the next few months, whether that's a good cry, or journalling, or in a therapists office or a workout or painting, what ever your healing process is, and if something isn't helping, find what does.

Your kids might adore your dad, but y'know what? They REALLY aren't as much of a big deal in the 5-minute-attention-span life of a little kid. So give yourself permission to not let yourself be twisted by fear, guilt, or obligation (F.O.G.) about the kids. Your father can also be on a time out while you take time to heal. You aren't in a place, mentally or emotionally, to be able to mentally picture, let alone communicate, what a healthy relationship with boundaries would look like so that he can be in your life WITHOUT you breaking NC with your Nmom,... but you will eventually be able to work that out. It can take as long as it takes, and that's OK.

Read Becoming the Narcissists' Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Kindle Edition
by Shahida Arabi

Read Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer and let your Inner Bitch out to party more often. You'll be glad you did. So will your kids, your husband, and everyone else.

Read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, and find whatever creative thing you like to noodle away at as your art, and go do that - not for money, not for fame, but just because it fills up your spirit.

If you need to zone out in video games tending a garden or killing orcs or amassing yoru empire, that's ok, but watch hwo many hours you spend zone out being entertained, instead of learning anything new or creating something new yourself.

Eat good food, get more sleep, take your vitamins, make sure you break fresh air and sunshine in more often.

Unless you actually DO feel happier, stronger, and better on a diet, let yourself say "fuck it" about dieting for a while (sometimes people like to feel more in control and have something to depend on when everything else is going to hell, sometimes, you just need a brownie. Or a bottle of wine.)

Plan some nice thing for yourself each week, a little treat. Like an hour of guided meditation on YouTube, with a pretty candle lit, or take a bubble batha nd get a body massage from your husband (not sexual, just pampering), if you want a piece of chocolate, go ahead and buy the Ghirardelli, not the damn kiddie crap. Call a personal chef service and have them whip up a bunch of family friendly casseroles for your freezer so some nights you can just have a great meal with no damn work.

Thank you :)

If you do check out CBD Oils, the guy at the shop mentioned they like to start people out with water-soluble stuff as it gets into the system at a quicker rate. I'm sure you'll find helpful people on your side, but just in case maybe look for that or do a little extra reading.

Books...

• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker This introduced two new trauma types into my vocab: Freeze & Fawn.
  
  
• #DEALwithIT by John A. King I'm partially through this and only pausing to dig into The Body Keeps Score. I totally dig the author's writing style and utter frankness in relating his experiences. The book also includes excerpts from his now-wife so it gives a great perspective from her position as well.
  
  
• The Body Keeps Score - already mentioned this one :)
  
  
• The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller Haven't started this one just yet, but looks like a quick read.
  
  As far as mindfulness is concerned, I love the paid-app Buddhify - it has a variety of guided meditations for various situations and also includes options for non-guided. I do frequent mental scans of my body to make sure I'm not in what has been my default tense or armored state which I typically find I am - ugh. And then I've added mobility stretching with ROMwod. When I did crossfit that was something I was introduced to and now that I realize "relaxing into position" is actually a real thing, I love doing it.
  
  I don't want to overload another comment, but I'm totally happy to chat more or even offer myself as a reddit-support person if wanted. :)

For me personally, a lot of the reason infertility was and has been so difficult, is because of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child. While I had come a long, long way emotionally since I've been an adult, I still hadn't yet mastered how to process and deal with my emotions. In a way that sounds simple, but for me it wasn't at all obvious or easy to figure out, even though I had spent years trying to resolve various past traumas, thinking patterns, behaviors, etc.

Infertility, compounded with other issues, pushed me to the brink, and along with learning about new (to me) therapies and actually find a good therapist who I respect and trust, I was able to come to a turning point in how infertility was affecting me. For me it wasn't "just" the infertility, it was related to many areas and previous past traumas in my life. It was related to feeling completely alone and isolated as a child and teen, when I had zero emotional support or connection with my family. Deep down I feel as if I have no family. Based on my beliefs about what a parent should be, I have no parents.

It's amazing and wonderful to think that you can just create your own family, and give your children the things you were never given (emotional connection), but when that chance is taken away from you, you no longer have that opportunity to heal the past in the present, you no longer have the opportunity to have what you always wanted deep down: emotional intimacy, a (real) family, etc.

I don't know if any of that will resonate with you, but if you're interested, the way I made the most progress was by reading the books:

• Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
  
  
• Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents, And Your Children
  
  
• Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love And Intimacy Alive In Committed Relationships
  
  
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, And Body In The Healing Of Trauma

It is really normal to miss the structure and community of the JWs. I did a few counselling sessions and I had to explain to the counsellor that it is not just leaving a religion, you are leaving your entire culture, your entire social support system.

It was very validating for me to be told that leaving the JWs was a traumatic experience and I'm clearly going through a grieving process.

Things that have helped me:

• realise you need time to discover your real identity after it has been suppressed for so long. This includes
  re-examining everything you have been taught since you were a child, not just religious stuff, but some people may have been told they are not smart or too emotional and they believe it - and it is not true.
  
• make it your goal to prioritise building yourself a new social support system. One that will be there you. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever. Join a bookclub. See if there are any local social meetup groups on Facebook. -- Making non-JW friends is going to take longer and more effort than you're used to.
  
• Start building a bucket list of things you would like to try. Even having a Pinterest page for inspiration helps.
  
• seeking counselling / therapy to learn how to adjust and cope
  
  Books I highly recommend:
  
• Exiting the JW Cult handbook a good stepping stone before counselling. It helped me label and identify all the emotions and issues I was experiencing so I could communicate it better.
  
  
• Combatting Cult Mind Control - Steve Hassan. This may sound a bit scary but if you look at the BITE Model and find it resonates with you I encourage reading this book and highlighting the passages which match your experiences.

I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. That is a truly horrible experience for anyone to endure. I'm also sorry for making it sound so simple and easy, because it is definitely not. It is a challenge. It took me a long ways to get to where I am today. The fact is you can do this, although you may not think you can. It is possible. I understand that we are not the same person, but we are both human beings, and we have both endured pretty bad sexual abuse at a young age. Overcoming your situation by yourself is near impossible. What I would suggest is that you find a good clinical hypnotherapist. Not somebody that just wants to prescribe you antidepressants and Xanax and that garbage. One that wants to actually heal your emotional scars. Please PM me if you are interested and maybe I can help you locate one.

Edit: Also, in order to get to the point where you are able to forgive your abuser(s), there are many things that need to be overcome along the way. I had help with this. I did not do this by myself. I highly recommend that you check out this book. It is only $13.00 and it should help you make some progress. I also understand that you may not be able to afford a good therapist, as they can be quite pricey. There are other methods and again I urge you to PM me if you would like help. I will give you any help that I can.

Lets start at square one, you may not be able to carry anything purpose built but you absolutely can ensure you have items that can be used to aid you in a pinch.

When I recently traveled to your country I opted to keep a couple items on my person...a tuff-writer pen and also a quality flashlight that ran on an AA power source rather than CR123's or something of that nature. In addition to that I would recommend that you have first-aid, a tool bag, and a fire extinguisher...in your automobile if applicable. Once you have a set of kit sorted out that should be something that is always with you just like the new can-do-attitude you will be cultivating, none of this crap helps you if its back at home 45 min away.

Something like this will add capabilities to your tool box, and that helps solve one aspect of your problem.

The other side of things is how to train yourself to be more aware, this is however a life long process and it is a skill that will atrophy quickly. I recommend you pickup a copy of this book The Gift of Fear it details the human fear response and helps put it in context for dealing with day to day life...this book was really what set me on the tracks for being more situationally aware.

The other thing you should remember is just because you don't have a pistol on your belt, or a myriad of knives on your body doesn't have any impact what-so-ever on how well prepared you are to deal with a crisis, or your situational awareness. I have known plenty of people (military/civilian) who have zero situational awareness and are completely unprepared to deal with anything unless its explained to them in advance, using small words.

Once you have a basis you can start looking at some of the next steps. I think a great many people will suggest Martial Arts to you, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...if it is something you are interested in, you might also consider some medical training, bush-craft skills courses, mountaineering instruction, land navigation...and other courses of this nature, again its about putting skills/tools in your tool box that can be drawn on later when needed.

I hope this helps at at least get you thinking about how you can start to be more self reliant, and help be part of the solution not the problem.

-Sage

Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.

I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395939077&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.

This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.

Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.

A great book on trusting your instincts is The Gift of Fear, that you might want to read/go over with them.

I also liked what another commenter said about emphasizing the positive sides of sexuality. Sex should be two people enthusiastically choosing to be together! Sex should be fun! Both people deserve to enjoy sexual activities!

Further, talking about other aspects of sexuality that can involve vulnerability, such as STIs, sharing of photos, etc, in the broader context of what makes a strong relationship (or even just a safe one-night-stand!) is great. I always recommend Scarleteen as a resource for parents & teenagers on a wide range of issues.

I hear you, and I'm so, so sorry that you were hurt like that. It was not your fault in any way. It makes sense that you're struggling with it despite the good things in your life, especially since you blocked it out for so long.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job of moving forward. Your description of the circle with the crack running through it really resonated with me; I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling. You are not alone.

The only suggestions I have would be to seek out therapy if possible, as well as a place of support from people who have been through similar things (for example, r/rapecounseling); try doing a workbook like the Courage to Heal Workbook; and most of all, be gentle with yourself.

Be careful not to push yourself too hard. You are already making excellent progress, be sure to acknowledge and congratulate yourself for how far you've come.

Take good care of your physical health (exercise, sleep, eat healthy foods), spend time with people who love and care about you, and that crack will gradually heal more and more.

hugs

>
I got the impression that she understands why I contacted him and doesn't hold it against me, but I think the damage is done - she knows now that if I think she's going to go through with it I'm not afraid to try and intervene from afar, and as I said, she would not agree to contact me before taking any drastic steps.

From where she stands, suicide is her ticket out of the pain. You getting her to stop it is like trying to take away her comfort. This is her perspective. So, that is the reason she lashed back. She probably would give anything to have someone to talk to. That is why it is important for you to gain the trust back. The damage is done, but not permanent. Try talking to her saying that you panicked and did whatever you did. I am pretty sure she will respond positively. Try to get her out of it till you get back. Once you are in town, you can personally talk it out. Until then just ask her not to do anything. Ask her to wait it out for the next few weeks.

>
I take it you don't think I should involve anyone else in this?

That is a tricky one. Getting people involved will be adding social and peer pressure on the girl. She might or might not like it. The effect of getting someone involved would entirely depend on the girl. If she did not like your room mate talking to her about it, she MIGHT prefer to be left alone. Again, I may be totally wrong here. But I know this is an important issue. So maybe with more inputs I can get a better picture.

>
The other roommate I mentioned has had a similarly troubled upbringing - an abusive mother and series of step-fathers, kicked out of his home at 16 before bouncing around until entering university where we met. He and A have known each other even longer than her and I have known each other, and I think he could be very helpful (I'm fairly sure that he has talked her through suicidal thoughts once in the past).

Having experience with this issue is definitely helpful. Is he comfortable with his past? If yes, he may be of great help. If he too is struggling then there are chances that he may be having trouble helping here.

>
I just don't know where the line is between keeping her confidence and trying to get her the help that she needs.

Right now it is very important to keep her confidence. You can always help her when you get back. As you are far away, it would be difficult to get the right kind of help. Not getting the right kind of help may do more harm than good.

>
This is the hardest part to puzzle out from my perspective. She has found her passion, cooking, and has been a chef for years (finishing her second year of culinary school right now). From the outside, she appears to have totally conquered all of the negative influences which she comes from... but this hasn't brought her peace of mind, and her past continues to haunt her. If there were obvious, solvable problems, I would have a much better idea of how to help, but she seems to have a handle on her problems yet gets nothing but anguish from her everyday life.

Her problems are caused by stuff that happened in her past. Trauma from her childhood is the reason she suffers today. It is the absence of a healthy childhood that needs to be addressed. This book may help!

The trouble with this is that we cannot go back in time and undo the hurt. That is why it seems so impossible to get over it. But it can be gotten over really well.

When a kid is growing up, the brain learns stuff and it sort of accepts to be universal truths. Once into adulthood, we subconsciously keep running off of those old threads. A happy healthy kid turns out into a happy healthy adult. A miserable kid turns out to be a miserable adult. The latter case might hold true for the girl. The way around this is to realize that you are not a product of your past, that each day is a new day.

Hope I helped. Please do PM me if you need to talk.
Thanks.

Save all of the contacts he uses to try to reach you, but stop responding in any way whatsoever. Not even, "Don't contact me." You might want to change the outgoing message on your voicemail to be a computer voice, so calling you doesn't even let him hear your real voice. No response AT ALL. If you don't respond 20 times and then tell him to knock it off on the 21st, all you're telling him is that it takes 21 tries to reach you. Gavin deBecker's The Gift of Fear has a lot of good information for stalking victims.

I'd also suggest that you get an additional mobile phone if at all possible, and give the number only to your close friends and people you want to stay in contact with. Also set up new accounts on your services, but don't cancel your current accounts or your current phone number. That way, he will still think he has your best contact information and won't be motivated to try to ferret out your new info. Tell your friends, especially ones whose contact information is linked to yours on the social media apps he's targeted, that you have someone stalking you and ask them not to reveal any information about you to anyone who asks for any reason.

Also do report it to the police in your area, especially if he tries to contact you in person. Good luck. I hope he's a long way away from where you are!

Edit: Another thought on keeping your mobile phone. If you're not due for an upgrade yet, maybe you can get a cheap flip phone from your carrier and have them move the current number to that phone, and get you a new number for your current phone.

I hear you. Remember, though, that a gun is a tool like any other, and there are only certain situations it can help you out of.*

The single most important and effective defense mechanism to keep you safe is your brain. Your behaviors, your situational awareness, and your body language all contribute to your likelihood of making yourself a target. Some things are obvious—don't walk alone at night; favor well-lit, busy areas; don't walk while using a phone or while using headphones—but there are plenty of smaller, subtler actions you can take that add up to you being more challenging prey.

Some examples:

• Have your house keys in hand before you get out of the car to minimize the amount of time you're outside and distracted.
  
• Develop good relationships with your neighbors and learn their habits and patterns (they'll look out for you, and you'll notice more quickly when something's out of place).
  
• Walk confidently and acknowledge other people without staring.
  
• Whenever entering a new environment, learn to quickly get the lay of the land: What kind of people are here? Where are the exits? What obstacles would I encounter if I had to get out or take shelter?
  
  The most essential thing you can do to protect yourself—and your friends, and your girlfriend, and your family, and whomever—is cultivate an incredibly strong sense of situational awareness. When you can see and feel what is happening around you, when you notice subtle shifts in behavior, when the energy in a room suddenly changes, you can anticipate things and react before they happen. That's how you save yourself from bad situations: by not getting into them in the first place. Train your gut and listen to it. If the current situation feels bad, get out. Worst case is you're wrong, but you're no longer suffering in a situation that feels uncomfortable; best case is your gut was right and that you're not dead.
  
  There's a whole host of interesting books—many written in response to lessons learned after almost two decades of combat operations in Iraq and Afghanistan—that can help you develop that mindset.
  
  *Side note: there are other tools you can use, too, to make yourself a more difficult target. My favorite is a really bright flashlight. Few criminals want to be easily identified, and getting a face full of bright, white light is a big (and painful) deterrent, especially at night. There are even some—like the Surefire E1D and E2D—that have serrations to make them more effective for striking. I carry a Surefire EB1 in my pocket and a G2X LE in my bag every day. You wouldn't believe how handy a flashlight is day-to-day ("shit, dropped my phone under the car seat again"), and having the ability to check a dark alley or the space between my car and the one next to mine is great for maintaining that situational awareness.

We can all struggle with that, so it is a normal thing to question our own value in my opinion. It's not normal in that situation to "realize" you are of "no value" and then trust that realization without reference... This is the equivalent of asking a dog about quantum theory and trusting the answer, but inside our heads this is what we in effect do. The emotional feeling of being worthless barks at our intellect, and our intellect interprets this as a truth, absurd when analyzed, so disregard it.

The Drama of the Gifted Child may be a good book to look at for you, interesting perspectives.

The moral emotions is an interesting read about why anger (or despair) can be so addicting and seem so "right" when it is happening.

The Happiness Hypothesis also by Jonathan Haidt is a great read about our emotions vs our intellect...

Tribe is a good read on finding where you fit, more related to soldiers and post combat, but apply it to your current situation and find your tribe.

Glad you are still with us, and no matter what you feel, you are not alone.

Edit: authors name from autocorrect purgatory...

It's hard when friends want to help you but don't know how. It's hard to explain to them.
There is a book that I bought, read, and then lent to my friends and family to read, it seemed to help them understand a lot better.

It's called "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levenkron . If you can find it in a library, bookstore or even just order it off amazon, I'd suggest reading it and then letting friends borrow it. You can get a used copy for about $6. It's very worth it. I suggest the book to a lot of people.

Again, good luck with everything. :)

This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)

Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.

Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.

Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.

Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.

I'm blown away by how LSD seems to be able to actually get down to the core of our issues. I had my first trip two days ago but I had the exact opposite outcome - I had a rather small dose (approx 75-80ug) but had a wonderful time. The "message" I got is that I worry too much about work, and life in general, and that just need to I relax and that everything is okay. However, my issue is that I work up to 60-80 hours a week 9-10 months of the year. Weed on the other hand made me feel pretty much worthless and made me even more anxious and self-critical and even less motivated to get out of bed. My absolute biggest fear about doing LSD was what if I would find out that I'm an asshole? How the hell do I cope with that? Fortunately this relatively small dose helped me to step outside myself just enough to realize that I'm a much more decent human being than I give myself credit for.

Now, I'm obviously not an expert, and I still haven't had time to fully reflect on the trip and integrate the things I experienced but now that I've dipped my toes in psychedelics for the first time I've begun understand a little bit how it works, and it's no miracle cure for sure (and I don't know if anybody has ever claimed that, but it's easy to get that impression from all of the experiences people share).

From the information and stories I've gathered from other people (and it seems to be true from my short experience too) is that it can bring you immense clarity, but I won't fix your problems. There's a very interesting podcast I listened to last night, where Neal Goldsmith talks about the importance of the work that comes after the trip. If you don't do anything with what you experienced during the trip, he argues, it can create even more damage. https://psychedelicsalon.com/podcast-499-psycheology-psychedelics-and-the-study-of-the-soul/

If I were you in your shoes (I once was, so I can relate to your situation and how you feel), I'd start with digging a little bit deeper about your past and history and try to find out why you can't muster any will-power to worry about life.

Just to give you an example from my own life, I used to care about nothing except partying and music. I wanted to become a rockstar (hah!) and/or a nightclub owner, even though I had no idea of what it takes to get there. I wanted to become successful (whatever that meant at that time) without doing all the hard work. Basically all my dreams (mostly just empty shallow daydreams) revolved around the nightlife (this was from when I was 20 until I was 30). I had some part time jobs here and there, but nothing that could support me 100%. Fortunately, a few years ago I had a little bit of luck and got some freelancing gigs which just grew and blew up, and within 2-3 years I went from my parents paying my rent and being $20.000 in debt to driving a nice car and earning within the top 10% However, and this is the moral of the story, I'm absolutely not happier now than I was before. If anything, I'm more anxious and scared and I haven't really felt pure joy in years. And what I've learned about myself, mostly by reading books and meditating, is that everything in my life has been driven out of fear. 5-10 years ago I was doing nothing to get out of the bed because I was scared of the world and everything and everybody. Rejection in my world view has always been such a hard thing to cope with, that I'd rather not even try. Fast-forward 10 years and to anybody on the outside world I'm probably considered successful, but I feel nothing like that. I'm still struggling every dingle day with the exact same fears as I did back then, but they manifest in a different way. I now work 80 hours a week because I'm scared to turn down work. What if I turn down a project and they'll find somebody else? I haven't had a proper vacation in 3 years. Do you see the irony? I used the be scared to get out and look for work, now I'm scared to say no to work. It's not really a fun way to live.

If I were you, I'd take a break from drugs completely, and spend some time (a LOT of time) reading some books. Start with psychology and spice it up with some business (or whatever it is you want to do). You actually seem to have the luxury of time to be able to do that, so make use of it. Try to find out what fears inhibit you from going to where you want.

Here's a book that I'd recommend you starting with: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

It's a relatively short read (less than 150 pages), and when I first picked it up, it spoke to me already in the first pages and gave me the motivation to start digging deeper within myself. I'm not sure if it's available on kindle, but I'm sure you can find it on PDF or audiobook if you know where to look. If not, let me know and I'll dig it up for you. If that book resonates with you I'd be happy to share some more with you.

Sorry for the long rant - I hope it helps. Good luck!

edit: Also, if you haven't already and you for whatever reason won't decide to stay off drugs for a while, at least read Fadiman's book on psychedelics before proceeding. There are lots of valuable information in there on how to conduct a safe practice: https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Explorers-Guide-Therapeutic-Journeys/dp/1594774021/ref=sr_1_1/166-4346259-0867716?ie=UTF8&qid=1484133871&sr=8-1&keywords=james+fadiman

Hey, that sounds really hard and really frustrating. I'm sorry you went through that.

I commented on another post awhile ago where someone was having trouble dealing with fear while lead climbing, and I suggested seeking out a counselor who could help them work on techniques for managing the fear and negative emotions that come up while climbing. I think a good counselor can help with climbing related trauma as well.

I've struggled a lot with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder over the last year, and working with my counselor has been a life saver. The technique we mainly focused on is called mind-body bridging, and it's one of many mindfulness-based stress reduction approaches out there. Many of these same techniques are successfully used to cope with trauma too.

Of course non-mindfulness-based techniques are great too, like cognitive behavioral therapy and rational emotive behavorial therapy. They're all good tools in your psychological arsenal.

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in trying, a useful starting place is Psychology Today, which has a "Find a Therapist" menu at the top. In a counselor's bio, I might look for keywords like evidence-based, results/goal-oriented, and maybe mindfulness-based. This shows that they're interested in therapy approaches that have been shown to work for a lot of people, and in helping you develop practical, useful skills for coping with difficult emotions and situations.

The book I've been using for anxiety is this one, and this one is the version that's geared more toward trauma.

I hope you find things that work for you, friend. I think it's always possible to heal.

edit: I know my bias is in the direction of learning practical techniques rather than a more conversation/unpacking oriented style of therapy. I don't mean to suggest that my way is the best way or the only way. It's a way that has worked for me. Others might find the greatest comfort in more psychoanalytical or conversational therapy, or something else entirely. What I mean to say is: if you go the therapy route, just follow your instinct and find the person who's the best fit for you. yer gonna do great.

edit 2: and please PM me if you want to!

You know, I can't even take credit for that statement.

After I was finally willing to admit my childhood sexual abuse experience to my therapist, I found a book called The Courage to Heal, which, besides being amazing, has a section in it about the "I should've protected myself" narrative.

It is very easy for us to believe that we, as young children, could have (and should have!) done something to prevent or stop what happened to us. To drive home the point that adults are responsible for choosing their behaviors, the book describes a scenario, something like "Imagine your 16 year-old daughter walked into the living room where you were watching TV and took off all of her clothes and propositioned you." It then says that even if THIS happened, it is STILL 100% on the adult NOT TO MOLEST HIS DAUGHTER.

In fact, the healthy parental response to this is to hand your daughter a blanket to cover herself and then to be concerned about what has happened to cause her to behave in such an inappropriate way, and to find professional support for her if needed.

The point was that if this scenario is on the adult, then EVERY scenario is on the adult. A 2 year-old is supposed to protect herself? Total bullshit.

So yeah. I wish I could take credit for that statement. But it's a really good book.

I feel you.

One of the greatest things you can ever do for your safety is to study body language and common indications of an impending attack. People often realize something is "off" about a situation long before it goes too far but don't trust their gut. As it seems you've already realized, it's really easy to second guess yourself in the moment: "I shouldn't be so rude to assume this guy is about to attack me.... OH GOD HE'S ATTACKING ME!"

Offending an innocent person by running away from them is far preferable to allowing an attack that your instincts saw coming. I say this as someone who had a knife to my throat in 2000 because I felt guilty for assuming I was being targeted. I was correct, but I didn't have the courage to trust myself at the time. I had plenty of chance to run before it was too late but didn't want to be "rude."

Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is great reading.

If you're legally allowed to carry pepper spray in your region, it's far better than a party popper and still not a big deal if you blast someone prematurely. I'm not dismissing the seriousness of using any weapon on the wrong person, but compared to almost anything else, pepper spray carries extremely low risk of doing anyone lasting harm.

Even if laws are very strict, the risk of carrying pepper spray may still be "worth it." You could also consider something with (arguable) plausible deniability like a coin sap. An impact weapon won't be seen as sinister to law enforcement as a blade, carries lower chance of exposing you to someone's blood, and can produce impressive results.

While your gender makes you more of a target, it also works in your favor if you do ever have to answer to police.

If you're not even comfortable with the legal/practical consequence of something like pepper spray, I'd at least opt for a more serious noise-making device than a party popper. I don't think they're really great overall, but those "personal alarms" that wail at 130db are still better than party favors.

If you are comfortable doing so, resistance based training is priceless. By this I mean BJJ, Judo, boxing, etc. Anything where your training partner is actually trying to beat you rather than some of the placebo "rape defense" classes where a padded instructor pretends like a weak kick has crippled them. Not only can these skills be used in a real environment but they will instill confidence and teach you your own limitations.

While violence is a very real concern in some regions, it's fairly hypothetical to most people. This is great for day-to-day living but also means that plenty of training/advice is based on complete guesswork and untested practices. Take everything with an appropriate helping of salt (including everything I've rambled about here) and a critical mind.

I wish you all the best and I hope you never find yourself in a situation where these concerns are applicable.

I'm so sorry. I've learned that it's hard to say "no" to the Ns in my life but it gets easier with practice. When they tell you to do something, you can respond with "I'm sorry I can't; I have a prior engagement" and then say, "I have to go," and hang up the phone.

You may want to read The Gift of Fear. It's a great book that dissects the many ways people try to manipulate others. One of the best lessons I got from this book is "People who can't hear the word 'no' are trying to control you."

Good luck to you!

I find it works best when it's a million tiny changes, that slowly, slowly add up to a healthier life. It takes a while, bit it's so, so worth it.

Catering to my situation (right now I'm healing my child aged 4-14), I re-decorated my room to have more kid-stuff in it. I got a stuffed animal that I cuddle, I got a little princess crown I wear alone, I'm giong to the salon sometimes to paint my nails purple. I basically am giving her free reign to have a happy little girly life that she always wanted. She feels safe to be who she really is. Eventually I'm going to get a little barbie doll or something for her so she has something to play with.

In terms of healing my adult self (I'm mid-20s), I have a lot of social anxiety, and I'm a waitress which is probably dumb haha, but i like the co-workers. Even if I feel like i say something super stupid, or I'm REALLY awkward (which I always am), I just remind myself that it's not my fault for being terrified of people, and that it's okay that I push people away and act a little cold because that is what kept me safe as a child.

So that was a long explanation lol, but it's little itty bitty steps and eventually you'll start to have tiny habits that are self loving and not self harming, and they're really fun to do!

Maybe talk to your therapist (or on here) about ways you self harm, and then talk about more healthy ways you can get through tough times.

I zone out on watching that tv show Friends for a few hours a day. I don't really know why... something about the show zones me out of life and I stop having as many panic attacks. Literally if I feel like I'm falling into a trigger I'll re-run an episode in my head... It's weird I'm aware, and i'm literally addicted to it... but it works for me so... sweet.

a good explanation of this is this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375

She has a chapter dedicated to making unhealthy punishments just altered into healthy alternatives.

Childhood emotional neglect and attachment trauma can be present despite material wealth. These experiences can be damaging to children and may cause mental health problems that endure into adulthood and until they are dealt with. If either of these ring a bell with you, then you might want to look them up.

The following books may also be helpful

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536758061&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents&dpPl=1&dpID=51aZz7vsiHL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Price-Admission-relationships-childhood/dp/1517683408/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536758108&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=not+the+price+of+admission&dpPl=1&dpID=61BgEJgbp2L&ref=plSrch

(In particular, page 45 of the latter explains how emotional neglect may affect a developing child. Please be aware that the video it links to may be triggering if you have experienced these issues in your life)

No one here can say whether these things happened to you or not but talking about your feelings and their origins with a good therapist might be a good start to working out why you feel this way and how you can start feeling better.

As someone else said, there are people with judgemental attitudes out there, but we have the choice to approach ourselves with kindness and compassion throughout our efforts to recover. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Awesome, let me(us) know how it goes for you! I began to notice results after about 1-2 weeks of doing it every other day. It's way harder to focus just on your breathing than you initially would think. Slowing down my brain, especially for anxiety, is a struggle worth pursuing! Just keep at it!

This book is a great read, and it talks about the process of how our parents bestow traits onto us, good and bad and how the "gifted" child is able to rise above the challenges, or "gifts" inherent within their upbringing.

It's easily one of the best books I've ever bought, it really helped put things into perspective for me, and while it doesn't focus on marijuana, it does talk a bit about substance abuse, and how the true path(s) to recovery stem from an honest and thoughtful engagement with your past.

There is the genetic side of inheritance, as well as the environmental side which you mentioned, as my Mother still frets for my saftey over the smallest threats. If something goes wrong, the first thing she does is overact to make sure I'm ok, and I'm 25 now, live on my own, and have graduated from college, at this point, it's ludicrous to treat me that way. If I say I don't feel well the script is generally, Are you going to throw up? Do you need X, Y or Z? And while the love is there, and I appreciate the sentiment, it's a negative way to engage with my feelings because it trains me to enter panic mode at the drop of a hat. In my head I go, omg am I going to throw up? Do I need any of those things, and I immediately feel worse. People who don't feel well don't need to be reminded of all the negative aspects of it, they need help creating a stable platform!!

I think the genetic inheritance and the environmental training compound with one another. This book helped me understand the dichotomous relationship of the Nature/Nature paradigm, the nature of my anxiety, and how all of that fits together. With meditation on top of growing up a bit, and reading this book, I've done a lot better with anxiety. It's now been over 4 months since I've had any sort of panic attacks or quantifiable anxiety, and I only stopped smoking 40 days ago. I think that training myself to not enter panic mode at the drop of a hat, and acknowledging that dynamic in the first place were crucial components for building more positive behaviors.

Good luck with the journey, it gets easier, and maybe just having a new book to read can help you keep your mind off of anxiety inducing thoughts!

"Reasonable" notice means some notice. Not none. The only way they can go in with NO notice is for an emergency, like a burst pipe or a fire or something. Talk to the landlord; explain that you're not comfortable with the changes in how maintenance is accessing your apartment; you want a roster of everyone who is allowed to access your apartment; and you want at least 24 hours notice for any routine repairs (along with exactly who to expect). Also, check your lease... it probably specifies how much notice they are supposed to give and in what circumstances they can enter without notice. Insist they abide by that provision.

Don't dismiss the "vibe" you're getting from your new neighbor. You don't know what's triggering that but it's not just noise. Read The Gift of Fear and you will have a whole lot more confidence in asserting your own security.

See if you can meet any of your other neighbors. Not knowing anyone is awkward. You don't have to become best buds, but so that you know their name and which unit they live in (and so you can get a sense of whether this person seems like someone you can trust).

I've only lived alone for less than a year, and was living in the same apartment building as my fiance at the time, so as for the other stuff, I've never done it but never been in the same situation. I would be less concerned about valuables, though, and more about personal safety.

I’m super late but hey neighbor!

Yeah, it’s definitely a case by case scenario thing.

There’s this book called The Gift Of Fear that I plan on giving to my niece when she gets to be a teen that basically teaches you how to follow your instincts in certain situations and stay safe. You got some time before your little one will be able to read it lol but maybe you can check it out and give him the same lessons as he grows up. I think that’s the route I’m going to take.

Being terrified is hell. But worse is being in hell, or heading for it, and not knowing it. Keep your guard up. A few tips from an old hand at this shit:

 

Read this book. It's literally saved my life.

 

Has your therapist recommeded Al-Anon to your husband? You can just find a local meeting and go. It may be helpful. Further, is he continuing with therapy both as an individual and with you? Respectfully, you say you are good now but you are still afraid of losing him to his mother and you have every right to be. Three months isn't enough time to undo conditioning.

 

Think of him as having been in a cult. Read up on cults. You'll find it's strikingly similar to what adult children of abusive homes go through.

 

This last thing I'm going to tell you is going to hurt and I am sorry but I'd be sorrier if I didn't say it: start keeping a go bag for you and your son. Nothing huge or of note. Just mini sizes of essentials along with some hidden cash. This is going to save you time if you have to pick your son up and leave for however long. Who do you have to talk to about this that you trust? A friend, a family member? Ask them if his mom comes back and DH doesn't kick her out immediately if you can go stay with them. And then you do it. If you don't stand up for yourself your son won't have anybody looking out for his best interests, either, because your DH is a wonderful man but a lifetime of brainwashing doesn't just go away. You don't wait it out. You don't give DH a chance to get rid of his mom. YOU LEAVE. Without consquences then boundaries are nothing.

 

Then you come back when she is good and gone. I hope it won't come to that. If it does having a plan is smart. It doesn't mean a lack of faith in your husband as much as a show of faith in yourself.

Have you ever read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear? (http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198) It is seriously one of the most helpful books I've ever read. It helped me break out of the "I can't let anyone think I'm a bitch/I can't lose weight or men will find me attractive" traps that I was in.

You have no obligation to be nice to people who aren't giving you the respect that you deserve. You don't have to be socialized to be nice to people who are disrespecting you. It's okay to assert yourself and your own needs. Don't worry about being a bitch.

I was mugged at my doorstep a few years ago. I feel the same way as you do, often -- that I can't go out without being harassed unless I have my husband or a male friend around. And it sucks so completely. When I go out, I keep my bitchface in my pocket in case it's necessary. I also always have something to keep me occupied -- iPod, book, whatever -- so that I have the socially acceptable excuse of "sorry, I need to do this right now." I keep a guard up around strangers, which sucks: I'm a harder person when I'm out than when I'm with my friends. But it's what I do to maintain my reasonable boundaries -- the space I need for my own personal well-being and safety -- in the outside world.

Hugs and good luck: this world was not made for us, so we've got to go remake it, one person at a time.

I want to echo everyone here and reiterate that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about or apologize for. Even through his texts, it's clear this man was trying to manipulate you. He was (very probably) lying and trying to guilt you into doing things you were clearly uncomfortable with.


Most importantly, do NOT feel bad for not recognizing this. Horrible people like this man will intentionally pick out those who are too young/too inexperienced to recognize his filth. You listened to your gut and that makes you so impressively strong and brave! Good for you. Can't say that enough. Good for you!


Also forget anyone who says you acted like you were interested. You did not lead him on in ANY sense. Human decency does not imply sexual interest.


Last thing, you absolutely need to read a book called The Gift of Fear. I know you're incredibly busy with school and your job but this is the single greatest book every woman of our generation should read. My mom made me read it before I left for college and, as a naive, young, and sweet girl like yourself, it was life-changing. Please make time for this book.

I want to say so many things but I feel like it's better to just beg you to read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I also encourage you to put your restraining order goals on hold until you hopefully read the book. You can skip chapters to what is relevant if you want.

Hope this link works, Im on my phone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_fdbQBbPAGGSYP

I genuinely hope this helps!

The advice about a restraining order is spot on.

But this guy has lots of stuff going on, that indicates he may not GAF about silly things like a restraining order.

I'd be really careful when you're out and about and pay full attention to what's going on around you. When you're with your dog odds are you're fine, as this guy is not going to go near your dog. But if you drive to the local supermarket, park near the entrance, and don't decide to go at 2 AM for an ice cream run or something.

I worked on the streets of NYC for more than 30 years, including during the crack epidemic. I never felt like I was in imminent danger, but I also was really strict about paying attention to things. This book? He talks a great deal about how to keep yourself safe, and I think it may be worth a read.

And whatever happens, don't believe for one second that you can be friends or whatever with this guy. He's a serious mess, and if he steers clear of you after this, good. If not, like I said, pay attention to what's going on around you, and keep yourself safe.

And good boi you own there.

Having sex you don't enjoy for someone else's pleasure is bound to become a chore, as you're experiencing.

> But I want it, I just want her to listen to me and do what I need her to do

Why is she unwilling to do what you need to orgasm and enjoy sex too?

I'd be hesitant to advise staying with someone who is unwilling to make sex fun for you too. It's selfish and that rarely works out well.


> I was sexually abused from the age 6-9 and it really stunted me sexually so I have very specific things that need to happen in order for me to let loose and be completely comfortable.

Have you seen a therapist to work through this? Recovery and healing is possible and can help you be more free and explorative.

What are the specific things you need and why is your partner unwilling to do them?



There are some great self-help books for people to work through sexual trauma, if you're open to going that route:

Many therapists recommend these books. Some of them have accompanying workbooks, as well:



The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis

​

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

​

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

​

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

​

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

​

Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

One thing that I kept coming back to while I was reading the accusations was the idea of enthusiastic consent.

We need to be clear that saying "I'm not interested" for an hour and then finally saying "okay" is not consent, it's manipulation. When you say "no" or "I'm tired" it is not okay for your partner to interpret that as "you really mean yes." As an individual, you need to sit down and think about your boundaries and set clear limits. Don't be afraid to enforce those boundaries if you feel safe enough to do so. Recognize that if someone crosses your line of comfort and safety that they are in the wrong, not you. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and they have to respect it. Situations like the ones involved in Alex Day's incidents are not okay because he crossed personal boundaries. He only cared about his needs and desires and not those of his partners. Good partners don't do that.

I also think we need to think about the effect that we have on our friends and acquaintances around us. We need to stand up against this type of behavior before it escalates into serious crimes. Here is a great resource for scripts you can use when someone you know does something uncomfortable. This is a great resource if you are worried about being a creeper. Finally, an example or two of why we shouldn't just sweep accusations like this under rug for the sake of harmony.

I am a Nerdfighter and will not tolerate any member of our community who uses their power and influence against other members. Those people forgot to be awesome, but we don't have to.

*Edited to add more resources.

Program you can bring up with your school

Fun comic!

A book with some really great information

Sorry to hear about what you went through. Things will only get better. Glad that you're reaching out to other HSPs.

Yesterday, I was watching a podcast with Brene Brown and Russell Brand where they discussed their own kids' behavior and compliance. I hope you relate to the segment as she mentions choice theory.

I also recommend reading the book [Running on Empty] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=running+on+empty&qid=1574127505&sr=8-2) by Dr. Jonice Webb

Best of luck! ♥

Why can’t you go to college? Is it grades or finances? A state community college is a great place to start. The financial assistance is good too. You can talk to the financial aid department about what you qualify for and how and when to apply for it.
As for your boyfriend, he may not be a quipped to discuss all the things you are going through from leaving a cult. A counselor would be able to help you better.
There is a great book, Exiting the JW Cult A Healing Handbook, that can help you available on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132

I think the biggest thing I want to stress first is that you should be very careful with the way you tell her she needs therapy. You can encourage her by saying things like "Talking to someone with experience with these types of situations will help." etc, but don't say things like "You need help.'' I have a past that took a lot of years of therapy to overcome, but I worked through it because I wanted to, not because people told me I should.

The next thing I can tell you is this isn't going to be a fast or easy fix, you need to make sure you're willing to stick with her through the good and bad. Therapy basically makes you relive past traumatic experiences so that you have the opportunity to work through the unresolved issues from what has happened. Unfortunately some days, going through it again is harder on you than when it actually happened.

Lastly, therapy mixed with this book saved my life. I think she would find it very helpful and comforting. Although she may have a healthy relationship with her dad now, that doesn't mean that the feelings she's repressed over the years about him don't exist anymore.

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

Good luck, and good on you for not running out when she let down her walls for you.

On one hand, I think you have experienced one or two unique coincidences and then your mind came up with this idea. Now, you have latched on to it and are subconciously looking to confirm it. I recommend you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, which will help you be more perceptive to details you may be overlooking, in this situation and others.

On the second hand, there is no technology whereby a person's thoughts can be seen or read. Only yourself and your Creator know your thoughts. Fallen angels may be able to as well. They can certainly influence your thoughts and are keenly sensitive to a human's reactions and are able to interpret them and predict behavior correctly. There exists overwhelming evidence to demonstrate the connection between world leaders and occultic behaviors.

Perhaps this is the beginning of an active campaign wherein the deep state, working with demonic forces, are seeking to create fear and the belief in their all-knowing, all powerfulness -the result being that people are fearful of standing up for what is right. Consider this scenario: You are watching YT, some video about girls dancing. Halfway through the video you are reminded by one girl's pink leotard that you saw a cute pair of pink earrings you think your girlfriend may like, in the store two days ago. The demon which has been following you around and saw you looking at them is the one who put the thought into your mind. He communicates this thought to another demon an hundred miles away, who is sitting unseen on a YT server somewhere. This demon manipulates the data stream so the next video that pops up is one about pink jewelry. Along this line of seemingly crazy and absurd thinking, let me also recommend you read the excellent novels by Frank Peretti: "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" -both of which do a great job fleshing out the battles and shenanigans which go unseen, everyday.

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

I agree it looks awkward, but I think it's for security reasons. One of the best books I've ever read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker, who is a security consultant for celebrities, and has been responsible for preventing several assassinations. One chapter of his book talks about the ways he keeps his celebrity clients safe. Things like only brushing fingertips with the crowd make it harder for a would be attacker to grasp them by the hand and pull them in. It really changed how I view celebrity/fan interactions. I think a lot of celebrities keep their distance for safety reasons, not because they're "rude" or "cold". You can find it here if you're interested: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GyOzDbPBWQDCR

Yes. Also maybe emphasize that what's best for this puppy is to have a family that can give it a stable home. Teenagers can't do that. Since she obviously has a big heart and wants an animal to love, maybe tell her about all the dogs in shelters who have no one to love them--some of them live in shelters for many months (which in dog years is like many years for a person). As a shelter volunteer, she could give love to these dogs who have no one to love them, at the most difficult time of their lives. That would be a really loving and responsible way for her to express this need to take care of an animal.

Also, have you mentioned to her that owning a puppy will make it hard for her to find a place to live, and abandoning the puppy later on would be cruel to it and heartbreaking for her? She's presumably going to be living in rentals until she's at least well into her 20s, and having a puppy drastically limits where she can live, and makes rent more expensive (where dogs are permitted there's often an extra monthly fee and an extra deposit).

That said, none of this is your fault. She had a horrible life for 13 years. You can't undo that in 4 months.

Side note: is her boyfriend a good person? Given her background she's at high risk of choosing abusive boyfriends, especially at her age. You might want to read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" in order to learn some lessons and techniques from it that you could hopefully pass on to her.

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

Yes--I can identify although I am sure there are differences. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have tried to find meaning and connection in relating to others. I run daily. I also try to eat healthily. I wish you the very best. I find alanon meetings helpful and addiction was a part of my family life history. Some friends swear by individual and group therapy as well as EMDR and/or EFT. Individual therapy helps me as do alanon/ACA or ACOA (Adult children of dysfunctional or alcoholic families) meetings

I had experienced a recent traumatic event that was associated with many difficult emotional flashbacks. I wish you the very best and please know you are not alone.

I have read Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery, plus she discusses stages of recovery.

I find Peter Walker helpful.

Also The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk has been insightful.

Meditation, yoga and breathing exercises are on my to do list--sonner rather than later.

I identify with this a lot. There's always something to research, something to study, some distraction that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm really just procrastinating.


The key is to just get started, I know that sounds like no advice at all, because the whole point is that you can't get started. 'I know what to do, so why don't I do it?' That whole thing. Easiest way to start getting past that:
Commit to 5 minutes of work, right when you think of something you should do.


"I need to work on this Excel model for work, but really I should go watch a Youtube video on the proper functions to use for it, that would help me get it done faster."


Commit to 5 minutes of just starting, tell yourself that afterward you will allow yourself to go watch the video. In my experience most of the resistance is anticipatory anxiety, and once you get started actually doing work you'll continue to do so.


I have spent years, like you, looking for some breakthrough, some event, to help "fix" this aspect of myself. Recently come to the conclusion that it is not an event, it is a process. A continual, constant, unyielding process.


Are you a middle child by chance? This is a very common occurrence in middle children.
I recommend this book regardless:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465016901/?coliid=I1IGTGRCI4ZPIC&colid=3P9G7HPN0FU02&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

I feel your pain. My wife was molested as a kid by her father from the ages of 4-10. I've known her since we were 15 and have known about it since then as well. I haven't read all the comments on here yet, and I'm sure that they are almost all great advice. Since my wife and I have talked about this for so long, I can tell you that your pain will never go away. You have to find a way to cope with it as it will always be there. The best way to do this is to talk about it. I would say that you talk about it as much as possible. Find someone that will listen, no matter who it is. I know you don't need someone to help you fix the situation (although I would suggest you talk to the authorities and turn your grandfather in...its never too late), but you do need someone to listen.

One of the best tools that helped both my wife and I cope with her situation is reading this book. I read it to know exactly how to talk and listen to her as well as to let her know that we are both in it together. There is a lot of insight as well as information in it to help.

That is all the advice I can offer. I hope that you find your method of coping. As I said, this unfortunately will never go away :(

I wish you all the best, and thanks again for introducing me to the term. I've been reading online about recovery tips and such, and it's very helpful. I really appreciate your post. Good luck! : )

Edit: Oh, and I wanted to share a book I noticed about it during my googling. I don't know if it's good, but I wanted to tell you it exists. Good luck!

That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.

Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.

Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.

You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.

Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.

Sending hugs (if you want them).

Edit: word

Be as strict as you feel like. Trust your gut. If someone is pushing you into more contact than you think is appropriate, tell them to stop. It doesn't matter who it is or how many/few things they do before they reach it. You're the best at knowing when something isn't right.

I'd recommend reading The Gift of Fear to help you learn to trust your instincts. It's wonderful for de-programming the "girls must always be nice no matter what" mentality out of you.

Hey OP! This is a little off topic but I hope it helps you. I wasn't raised fundie, but I've recently been learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect and realized how prominent it was in my childhood. I think a LOT of fundie families unknowingly promote this sort of emotional suffocation. It can happen intentionally (narcissistic parents) or unintentionally (emotionally absent parents who just think their MO is the norm.)


My parents did their absolute best, but I still had complex emotional needs that they couldn't meet. I don't blame them, but it's helpful to recognize the patterns.


If you need resources, I've found Dr. Jonice Webb to be a leading voice on the topic. She has a book called Running on Empty which I'm reading right now. It explains so much.

> this woman is smarter than the others. she knows how to play nice, bide her time and strike when it will hurt the most. she is the most dangerous type of crazy, the one who gets away with it.

New Friend DIL:

First of all, welcome to this sub! You will find to your relief that you and your DH are absolutely not alone in having to deal with horrible MILs.

Please be sure to go through the Worst of the Worst MILs linked in the sidebar, as well as the Top Posts of All Time. Be prepared for some deeply frightening stories. No lie, there have been MILs who have killed or attempted to kill their DILs or SILs, have kidnapped their grandchildren, and more.

I point you to those stories to help you understand exactly how far crazy MILs are willing to go. u/cheshireslaciei's post indicates that you've let her back into your life before. I want you to understand that continuing to do so could potentially end up with one of you dead. This woman nearly murdered DIL with an allergen, (very probably) killed your dog, and has manipulated things so that any link to her involvement is tenuous at best. And on top of that, she's shown she's will to run a long con in order to hurt someone. Psychologically, that places her firmly in with the likes of many developing serial killers. You need to react accordingly.

u/cheshireslaciei says that you're NC for good this time, but just in case you feel tempted years down the road to try it again? Re-read those stories I linked to before you do so.

I apologize if my tone is blunt, and I want to assure you that you're among friends here. The people on this sub are amazing and will give you the gift of what they learned from their experiences with MILs who terrorize their families. They will encourage you when you're down, listen while you vent, advise you when you need help, and be there when no one else understands.

But I also want to make clear: you're dealing with a level of pure malice that this group has encountered too many times (start with "MIL in the Wild: “You’re such a bad little girl. See, mummy’s leaving you here. She’s gone without you. No car for you” and then read the updates). We've seen how things play out with MILs like this (start with "Vacation Bitch: the Beginning"). We know how this movie ends

I want to encourage you to trust your instincts on how dangerous this woman is (read The Gift of Fear to understand why this is important). You cannot cut this cancer out of your life fast enough.


u/cheshireslaciei: I absolutely hate it that you're going through all of this for being a decent human being and standing up to protect a child. I'm so proud of you for doing that, I can't begin to imagine how hard all of this is on you. I wish there was something I could do to help, and I cannot wish enough bad things on this woman.

You're welcome.

If you're interested in self-defense, your first step is to pick up The Gift of Fear. Seriously. It might save your life.

Boxing-wise, JT has a ton of excellent, high quality instruction on his channel.

Marcello Garcia, one of the best Brazilian Jiu Jitsu instructors in the world, teaches out of NYC.

For a more comprehensive approach to self-defense, I'd suggest looking into Japanese jiu jitsu.

Stay warm, and crush your lifts, sistah

Good on you. You showed a lot of courage in handling things yourself and not caving in when he tried to coerce you into believing you were being too dramatic, or trying to keep things too secret. Some guys try way too hard to normalize the sort of behavior that this guy was exhibiting out of fear of being perceived as similar, but it is NOT similar behavior at all.

A worthwhile book to read if you want some confirmation that you're taking the right steps is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He talks about the sorts of boundary-questionable behavior that problematic people engage in and how we pick up on it on a gut level.

And, yeah, guys who claim it's typical are absolutely deluding themselves and ugh. It's objectification in the truest sense to forget that a woman has her own thoughts, wishes, capabilities, and instincts for things beyond satisfying a man's sexual desire and ability to feel important/powerful.

There is this book called Toxic Parents.. Obviously your brother isn't your parent, but there is advice in there that is directly applicable to this situation - toxic family members.


I had a similar situation where a vile family member just kept disappearing/reappearing when I already declared that I would cut this person off. This book helped me deal with it. I found the advice and the exercises in it much better than therapy.


Also this article from Psychology today (1999) says something about forgiving more eloquently than I ever could - It's okay not to forgive.


Other advice that probably has been said in this thread:

The family you choose is always more important than the family you were born with. Your adult life is about you and the world you make. You can choose who to include and exclude from it for any reason at all. You're under no obligation to entertain or acknowledge anyone even if they are "blood." Keep those that add value to your life.

If you're not going to enjoy the wedding, you're never under any obligation to attend. That's time that you'll never get back.

If your body is reacting to thinking about this, then it's probably not emotionally/mentally healthy to attend the wedding or even talk to this individual.

It's entirely possible that your brother has changed and after much deliberation you might choose to accept this person into your life. If you choose to accept, establish boundaries, make this relationship on your terms only, and never tolerate less than good behavior. (Better said in the Toxic parents book I mentioned before)

Good luck.

edit: Formatting. I am a derp at this sometimes.

Just wanted to reach out and say you're not alone. I've been in the same situation since what feels like early childhood. Even once the fog lifted and I escaped my family of origin, I was still trapped in the same behavioral patterns I'd been taught, and so still attracting narcs; looking back at past friendships has been equally eye-opening and appalling. Working hard on myself atm via therapy and education to figure out how to stop this pattern - it's gotten easier, but I think it will always be a work in progress. Two things which helped the most so far:

1. Learning not to ignore my own gut feelings telling me that something's off, and this person's actions don't match whatever they're claiming about themselves. Being rbn, we're taught literally from birth to doubt ourselves and accept manipulative and even abusive behavior and mindsets as if they were normal - and all so that our nparents' delusions could always be reinforced, and their behavior always excused; so their ego is always gratified, and they're never held accountable for their own actions. (For a lot of us, in fact, we were taught to believe their behavior was our fault, and their problems were our job to fix even as children, so we learned to always blame ourselves instead of placing the responsibility where it belonged.) But those gut feelings exist for a very good reason - even if we can't put the why of them into words, or even quite make sense of them to ourselves just yet, your gut is your most valuable early warning system. Respect it; it's trying to help. It's always a signal for us to step back, think critically, and ask some difficult questions.
   
   and
   
   
2. I had to learn to stop automatically blaming myself for being "so stupid" or "so spineless" or even "deserving" poor treatment; this is related to the above in re: accepting responsibility for others' behavior. Yes, we do need to be more assertive in protecting our boundaries - but everyone is solely accountable for their own choices, including narcs: you can't "make" anyone abuse you. That was always their own decision, it was never okay no matter what "reason" they gave, and we shouldn't accept the blame for their actions or feel guilty for "letting them" hurt us.
   
   There have been a lot of resources I've found which have also helped me immensely, so at the risk of being spammy, here are some links:
   
   Out of the Fog: https://outofthefog.website/ (understanding the common behaviors in abusive personality disorders and staying sane despite them)
   
   Issendai's Down the Rabbithole: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/ (understanding the dynamic of abusive parents and adult children, and why escaping them is not only justified but often the only way to heal)
   
   Pete Walker: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/flashbackManagement.pdf (the symptoms of C-PTSD and strategies for managing them)
   
   The Karpman Drama Triangle: https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/ (the dynamics of the abuse cycle and how it often determines the 'role' we play in it)
   
   and two books:
   
   Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
   
   Nina W. Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
   
   As for the situation you outline here with this 'friend' and their texts? This is absolutely an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty, and so 'obligate' you to placate them - thereby feeding their ego. It's gross and inexcusable behavior, and I'm sorry it's a thing you were even exposed to, let alone have to deal with.
   
   Here's the good news, though: you don't owe this person anything. Literally nothing. They can shriek their entitled bullshit to the sky until they're blue in the face, and cry their little hearts out over what a victim they think they are for the rest of their lives, and it will change absolutely nothing about the fact that you are not responsible for fixing either their life or their emotions. Period, full stop, end of - and anyone who genuinely valued you as a person and any friendship you've built wouldn't try to treat it like some kind of leverage in order to force you to behave in a way that suits them. Normal, healthy humans don't view relationships as transactional, and they don't treat other people like vending machines, video game NPCs, or any other object that only exists to serve their needs and is obligated to give them whatever they want as long as they press certain buttons. Love is not ownership. Respect is not currency.
   
   So just keep doing what you're doing. Ignore them. Once they see that they're not getting the attention and soothing they're demanding, they'll move on to another source of supply - because that's all they've ever cared about in the first place. While you, knowing what they really are, can sever ties completely and spend your time with (not on - and certainly not for) people who aren't so broken that they believe they're entitled to abuse others in order to make themselves feel "loved enough".
   
   All best wishes to you. Stay strong. You deserve a life free from abuse, and filled with all the love, health, and happiness which should have always been yours. Hugs if you want them, and much <3.

If/when he DOES move out, make sure you change all the locks throughout the apt, change the code if there's a code to get into the building, and tell your neighbors that you'd appreciate knowing if they see Ex-Roommate around the property.

The more people who know that he is potential trouble, the easier it will be for you to stay safe.

I would also recommend adding a peephole to the front door if possible. Install a small cover on the inside so it can't be used in reverse, and always check it if there's a knock/ring. If you don't see anyone on the other side of the door, don't open it, period.

And finally, I also also recommend grabbing a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This book really helps you follow your intuition and gives a lot of tips to keep yourself safe without living in paranoia.

i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like $10 $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.

I can relate to those feelings from the past. I hope you're doing ok.

What helped me a lot is this book: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

As I read through it, two years ago; that's when my emotions began to return. It was tough going, but with every page I began to empathise with myself, more and more. I felt a lot of anger, to begin with; but that was a relief eventually. Because behind the anger was the beautiful kid I'd lost.

Me.

And then, everything began to come back to me. Slowly and peacefully.

It's been a difficult, but wonderful, two years; remembering myself. Reading Alice Miller's books was just the start for me. But, at the beginning, I found reading her work just as powerful as the MDMA in unlocking my missing feelings.

Now I have my feelings back. And my self back.

Good luck :)

I'm there with you, sister. It's a rock and a hard place and there seems to be no way to divine an answer or quench the star. Some people have been like, oh, work hard and you'll get over it. And I'm like how? What is the actual, specific mechanism? Because I don't know what it is.

Can I make a suggestion? I just finished a book by Judith Herman called Trauma and Recovery. It's very intelligent and I think everyone with PTSD--and the most important people around them--should read it. Still chewing on it, but it's helped me understand myself better. I found it valuable and positive.

http://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence---Political/dp/0465087302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421741442&sr=8-1&keywords=trauma+and+recovery

Wow, I'm glad you're OK. That's really scary. I'm sure its totally normal to feel hypervigilant after that kind of trauma, so be gentle with yourself. Talk to your therapist, maybe they have some suggestions of exercises to do? Positive self talk, telling yourself you're OK, you're safe, when you're feeling scared. Or maybe go the active route and take a self defense class? Whatever you do, it will take time to feel normal again. And that's totally normal.

There's a great book called The Gift of Fear. Check it out

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

Hang in there.

>The book 'a gift of fear' may be helpful to you, and break your conditioning to be 'nice' and not say no.

Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. I cannot stress how important it is that you read this book. If you have a Kindle, or at least the Kindle app on your phone, put it on your Amazon wish list and pm me the link. I will seriously buy it for you, the book is that helpful, especially for a young woman living in a large city. The things I learned from this book have helped me so much to adjust to living in Baltimore and has literally saved my life on at least one occasion. Please please please read this book!

Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).

(I'm almost 8 months post d day) Focus on you. I spent an ungodly amount of money to do something to my hair that I always wanted to do but never had the guts. I went to the beach with my mom for Memorial Day weekend - just the two of us (it was lovely!). I joined a meetup group in my city for "nerdy girls" and we meet twice a month to do crafts. I'm spending more time with my gal pals. I'm reading more - both for fun and for help. A few I recommend are: Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Jonice Webb's Running on Empty (if childhood neglect applies to you), pretty much anything by Brene Brown, any of Esther Perel's videos on Youtube, and the Affair Recovery website (sign up for their emails - it can be really helpful to be feeling some kind of way and boom there's an email in your inbox about just that thing - kind of uncanny really).

If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...

Okay, he's abusive.

The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.

Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.

​

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I'm so sorry you endured that :( your family let you down immensely. you're not alone with that kind of trauma though. I was sexually abused during the same ages as you.


you should definitely see a therapist- get one that says they're explicitly "trauma-informed" . A big part of CPTSD is feeling like you're unworthy of care. But you need a pro to help you because this is diffficult. You can become your best self for your family and I think your husband would agree that's not a waste or an inconvenience. :)

Another thing is to start accepting that your dad will never understand or change or admit he did wrong. You know him the best obviously so maybe I'm wrong, but if he's like other malignant narcissists, you'll just keep hurting yourself if you try to get validation from him. its more helpful to focus on processing feelings and fixing unhealthy behaviors than on trying to get an abuser to repent or acknowledge what they did. not gonna happen.

💚💚💚💚

also here's a big book on recovering from childhood sexual abuse for women that's helped me a lot.

To the OP... and every other person reading this thread....

Please go out today and get a copy of Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear".

The information in that book is as valuable as any strike or self-defense technique. Maybe more.

• The other book that should be required reading for anyone interested in staying alive in a worst-case scenario is "Strong of Defense".
  
  Get those books today and read them.
  
  OP, as far as your anxiety and paranoia, they are completely normal and expected. These feelings will likely fade pretty quickly. I might also suggest you look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for some practical strategies you can use to help you cope and conquer.
  
  I wish you well.

Your father has some pretty big problems. Be strong and do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that may mean seeking professional help from outside your family. Best of luck to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

“Security”. A bunch of geriatrics walking around in a uniform. They have never made me feel safe. Best solution is to be aware of your surroundings and trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable around a person or group, trust that instinct. The Gift of Fear is an excellent read

I agree with the other commenters that this really isn’t about your food. Your mom sounds a bit toxic and I’d recommend distancing yourself from her. Doing so is hard because we’re societally taught that mom is good and not to question her or her love or behavior. But that’s not always the case. A book that really helped me see the issues in my relationship with my mom was Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward.

Also, I’d recommend therapy to help talk through everything that’s happened, how it’s affected you, and moving forward. This should just be you though, taking her with you probably won’t go well.

I highly recommend the book Toxic Parents. I was pissed when my girlfriend suggested it to me - both because I am of the opinion that 99% of self-help books are bullshit, and because she was suggesting that I have a 'toxic' relationship with my parents - but it turned out to be a very intelligent, well-written book that covers a wide range of situations in a manner designed to fix those relationships and to help adult children create an adult-to-adult (rather than child-to-parent) relationship with their parents. If I recall correctly it has some good advice regarding religious differences; as I am an atheist, and my parents are very religious (fundamentalist Protestant), it was very helpful for me.

There are steps you can take to try and reduce the potential that you are assaulted. But to be clear, nothing you can do will ever prevent assault 100%.

Like, being a defensive driver can reduce the likelihood you will get in a car accident. But it can't really prevent you from getting t-boned by a car running a red light that was entirely in your blind spot, you know?

And whatever steps you take will have trade offs. You say you've been burned before, so you will likely be more cautious with new relationships, but this prevents you from forming deep bonds with other people. Part of putting yourself out there means that sometimes you do get hurt. You can certainly not put yourself out there, but then you deprive yourself of the opportunity to create new friendships and relationships. You can certainly not walk around at night or not walk around alone, but you will be depriving yourself of a moonlit walk in solitude.

People will likely tell you to get a gun, and if you do, I urge you to look into the rates of homicide and suicide of those who live in homes with guns versus without in your region. I would also urge you not to get one unless everyone you live with is okay with it, and it is okay with and covered by your insurance. It's very important that everyone living in the house is aware of it, it's also very important that you do not tell anyone else about it. Guns should live in gun safes. Their ammunition should be kept separately, and the gun should not be kept loaded. Even if your state does not require, take as much firearm training and safety as you can before purchasing and bringing a gun home.

If you feel like you are somehow responsible for your assault because you didn't take enough action before to protect yourself, know that this happening to you was not your fault, and there is likely little you could have done to protect yourself. Part of growing older is having shitty things happen to you. This was likely one of those things for you. It's great you want to learn from the experience, but please don't blame yourself for it.

As for "protecting" yourself, Carolyn Hax recommends The Gift of Fear pretty often. I haven't read it and don't necessarily agree the whole premise of the book, but it seems to be what you might be looking for.

Obligatory link to Gift of Fear. I know this isn't directly related to the question you're asking, but it could really help you in future situations to learn to trust your gut and protect yourself against predators, which Mike definitely is.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds wildly abusive, and I hope you can look into talk therapy at a minimum. You may be suffering from a form of complex PTSD, but of course there's no way anyone can diagnose just based on one anonymous post and I am not a doctor. It may however benefit you to at least look into.

​

There is also this book that may help:

https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

​

I hope it's ok to respond with these sorts of things - don't mean to force recommendations on you. Hope you're doing ok

It might benefit you to stop talking to him, to be honest. Evidently, he wasn't good boyfriend material, and it doesn't sound like he's any better at being a friend, or even a sane acquaintance.

Not to sound like an advertisement, but The Gift of Fear may be useful here.

And definitely keep a paper trail.

I don't think there are any novels that give an accurate sense of what its like to be a pedophile. If you're really curious about it, than I suggest checking out Understanding and Addressing Adult sexual Attraction to Children by Sarah Goode.

You might also want to check out this article about young, non-offending pedophiles.

I'm a non-offending pedophile myself so if you have any questions about it feel free to PM and I'll do my best to answer.

It's not just the entertainment industry. Research suggests that the proportion of males with pedophilic interest ranges from 5% having some degree of interest to 1% having exclusive interest. Figures for females are about 10 times lower. Here's a source for those figures, from the book Understanding and Addressing Adult Sexual Attraction to Children by Sarah D. Goode.

The entertainment industry is however inherently in the news/of public interest so those cases tend to get more prominence.

For OP and others in this thread, check out the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's a really interesting book, and the title comes from the wisdom that when you are in a situation and are afraid without knowing quite why it probably means you have unconsciously picked up on some signals that raise a red flag and you should take them seriously. "It takes a lot to creep me out but this guy had a certain vibe to him" sounds like a case study from this book. Run!

Look at this as a good life lesson that could save you in the future!

An excellent book on personal safety is Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

It's super-cheap now that it's in paperback. I highly encourage every woman to read this and to anyone else who is concerned for their personal safety.

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

AH! I highly suggest The Gift of Fear for anyone looking to fine-tune their gut feeling. LOVE that book, and love knowing there's science behind those gut intuitions!

I found my therapist searching specifically for those that had experience with sexual abuse and trauma. I managed to get really lucky on the first try and even found one that took my insurance.

Based on my experience with my therapist, you absolutely should find someone specializing in this type of subject. They will have insight, experience, and training to properly guide your recovery that other general counselors may not.

As far as time length goes, 10 sessions is a good start, but will likely not be enough. I've been going weekly since November, and still have a lot of work to do. The good news is that most therapists/counselors will work with people who can't afford to pay the full amount.

The fact that you are willing to get help is a HUGE step, and you should be proud of yourself for making it. You have started the path of recovery. It's going to be rough as hell, but in the end you'll wind up a better person for it.

As far as techniques, the main one my therapist is using is a 6 question test when you get triggered. When it happens, answer these questions immediately. Write them down, put them in a journal, whatever works for you:

What am I:

1. Seeing?
   
2. Hearing?
   
3. Smelling?
   
4. Tasting?
   
5. Sensing?
   
6. Feeling?
   
   Do it every time. Even if it's the same answer over and over. You may start to notice a pattern.
   
   For example: A woman was triggered in the middle of traffic one day, and she couldn't understand why. She did the questions, and she and her therapist figured out that it was the smell of diesel fuel that was doing it. Her abuser was a mechanic.
   
   Once you being to understand the things that trigger you, and why, you'll start to be able to manage them better.
   
   And lastly i'll leave you with a book that was recommended to me for couples. You and your husband both should read this book, as it will give you both insight into yourself and the recovery process.
   
   The book is called Allies in Healing, and you can get it on Kindle or physical copy. It's helped my wife understand what i'm going through, and what to expect.

The Gift of Fear is a great book that talks about exactly this! People, especially women have been conditioned from childhood that politeness trumps personal comfort/interests. This is such a good book for all women, I even got the one for parents so hopefully I can teach my kids that it's more important to be safe than polite.

I don't know if this will ring true with you at all, but if it does it might help a bit:

N mothers see their daughters as extensions of themselves, as other people have said; but what makes them suddenly distance themselves is sometimes not a reduced ability to control you (some kids don't grow out of that control at all), but the sudden realisation that you are growing up. If you are growing up, that means you'll become a woman - a younger, prettier, "threatening" woman. It commonly seems to happen around the puberty mark, when they have to start thinking of you as having the potential to be sexually active and menstrual. Then you're no longer an accessory but another rival. If your N made a lot of criticisms about your physical appearance or how you relate to boys (I'd say "or girls", but let's be honest, how many Ns believe in gay), that could be a factor.

​

Source, cos I can't pretend I made this connection myself: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343

Perhaps you have already read this, but I have recommended this book to a lot of my friends after it was a prize at a workshop dealing with a toxic and potentially violent work situation. I realize that this was nothing compared to your experience, but self protection is self protection.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He is a security professional who provides services to people who can afford to pay his ( presumably high) prices. e.g. You will see de Becker security trucks around movie productions in your town.

https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539051364&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear%5C

You're not alone! It took me a full year to finally verbally say what happened to me. 27f who was also sexually abused by father.

Therapists ARE expensive, but some who really care will work with you. Mine charged me what I could pay and recommended books for me to go over when I couldn't visit.

Facing Codependence by Pia Melody was one that really helped.

Me and my husband just got a book for the partners of the abuse survivor called: Allies In Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060968834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_lzyszbBKEK35Z

And by the same author there's a highly recommended workbook that I'm also about to start called: The Courage to Heal workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GG4ZKE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_aByszbBD5KJW2

Always trust that your mind and body won't lie to you. I can always tell it's real because I get BODY memories, and those can't be faked. Numbness or dull pain/pressure in my vaginal and anal area, throat and breast... Look into "inner child" work on YouTube.

I hope some of this helps!!

You're not crazy! You're a survivor ❤️

Every response usually helps to prolong the period of contact, since it can indicate to the person that they still have your attention and may make them feel like they have control over the situation in that they can force you to acknowledge them. Ignoring them may escalate the situation in that they will show up to confront you in person. In my situation, I had to move. I was somehow considered the rude one since I didn't bend over backwards to acknowledge someone who ignored my request to be left alone, and there was no proof of a physical threat so I couldn't file a restraining order in my particular state. Keep a record of everything and please stay safe. I walked with my phone in hand to quickly speed dial family or friends when he showed up on my commute home after work. Call the police when he shows up where you live or work so they have an established record of his behavior, even if they can't arrest him or prevent him from approaching you. It might also be helpful to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker if this blows up even further; there is an entire section concerning stalkers and individuals who can't take "no" as an answer. I wish you the best!

Good god, run.
And then read The gift of Fear

Trust your instincts/your gut. Being too careful one too many times is better than not being careful enough one time.

Wow your sister has like, problems & stuff.

For yourself I have a book suggestion: [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440226198) by Gavin de Becker. You may have to start treating the people in your life as though they are dangerous - even if not physically.

There's no way to win when you're dealing with people like this. The only long term solution is to reduce contact, preferably down to zero. They'll pitch bitch fits while you're doing this, and they'll try to draw upon the programming they taught you - self-sacrifice and family loyalty, etc.

At this point, whatever you've invested in your family and what ever they've invested in you is a sunk cost. It's done, it's over, move on. Your bills are your bills, etc, lock down your credit accounts in case they start coming after you fraudulently.

Your sister though. Well I think you got two options here...

1. Feed the rumor mill until it jams. (I got this expression from another book.) I think I saw articles about how to do this on Lifehacker & Gawker. Basically you start seeding your social media and online presence with fake information. Gradually. Don't lock it down right away. Just start integrating "New" interests you're not really interested in. The end goal is to get your sister to stalk a Construct or a decoy while you go off somewhere else. If that decoy gradually stops making updates then that's called a Slow Fade.
   
   
2. Cut contact from her and the rest of your family. Is there anything good about them anymore? Again, sunk costs. Don't worry abor what they used to do worry about what they are currently doing. If they are dragging you down, I can't imagine they'll ever ease up.

>You should learn to trust your instincts. I tell every young woman that I know personally to always trust that feeling they have when something doesn't seem right. You are having that feeling.

Also, The Gift of Fear is a good book that expounds on that theory.

There is an amazing book on listening to intuition and how it can save lives called the Gift of Fear. HIGHLY recommend it.

She definitely took advantage of you. Not cool. :(

> ... care aide worker ...
>
> If the situation was reversed and it was an Older Man picking up a very drunk and very financially poor woman and then offering sketchy drugs and accepting oral sex while that woman was still really drunk and high, when she did not realistically have the means to get home safe, then that man would be reviled and possibly charged with crimes, possibly tossed from his job, especially if he worked with vulnerable persons.
>
> But I dont really think anyone will belive me, or hear me.

It might be worth a try.

Telling her company

You could report the matter to her company. If you do this, you could start with her boss. If this doesn't help, you could gradually work your way up the chain of command, even to the CEO of the company or your state or province's department of health. It might not work, but it still might be worth trying.

Trauma therapy

If you want money for trauma therapy and/or other professional counseling:

• You could try to sue her in small-claims court for sexual assault. You don't need a lawyer to do this. Still, it's wise to get some advice from a lawyer before launching any lawsuit. Many (but not all) lawyers will give you the first half-hour of advice for free. It's easier to win in small-claims court than in criminal court.
  
  
• If you wish, you could also try to apply for victims' compensation. You might need to file a police report first, but you might not need to press criminal charges.
  
  

  Unwanted romantic pursuit
  

  
  /u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe is right. We don't yet know whether or not she actually will stalk you.
  
  The book The Gift of Fear has some good advice about dealing with unwanted romantic pursuit and/or stalking, in case it does happen. See, for example, the chapter, "Persistence, Persistence". Your local public library system probably owns lots of copies of the book; the paperback is about $5 on Amazon.
  
  I think it'd be useful to tell her, once, early on, that you're not romantically interested in her at all. You can explain that this is because you two are "not a good match".
  
  

  Your drinking
  

  
  Early in your post, you expressed dismay about your drinking. If you want to cut down or quit, and you want suggestions, please let me know.
  
  

  Postscript
  

  
  Please keep us updated.

We all need help sometimes, you can't do it on your own.

Which is why sometimes, it is good to ask for help.


like I am now :)

(if you are aiming for cheaper, this would also be good!

(Note, both of these texts are highly recommended by my professors (I'm going for my masters in mental health counseling, with a focus in trauma and crisis))

Please don't be overconfident about your safety due to the order of protection; she could do something violent against you at any time. I highly suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - it is loaded with great advice for people in your situation. Good luck.

There is a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that nicely articulates why it is ALWAYS a good idea to listen to your gut reaction in these instances. Research supports the idea that when you feel squicked out by someone, there is usually good reason for it.

In general, I think people need better information about psychological and physical boundaries. I only learned about it in depth in therapy when I was processing my abuse history. I knew I had been hurt, but often couldn't explain why some of the emotional abuse in particular was so egregious until I had vocabulary related to boundary violations to describe it more accurately.

The fact that he grabbed your hand immediately, before even verbally announcing himself or saying hello, is a sign that he feels welcome to invite himself into your space without being asked, i.e. he does not respect your physical space (touching you without invitation or an appropriate level of friendship/intimacy), nor your psychological space (imposing his presence on you for THREE MILES even after you gave CLEAR cues for him to leave, e.g. saying you were going slower today, etc.).

You reacted completely reasonably and appropriately given the situation. What he did shows that he would be willing to impose on your boundaries in other situations as well, and that he sees himself as free to intrude on your space/time/person.

I wouldn't blame you for being concerned about running into him again. Who knows how he'll react when he realizes it isn't your phone number or that he can't find you easily on the path.

Do you run with your phone on you? You may want to let someone know the next time you're out alone in that area so that you can make an emergency call the second you see him again and alert a friend to your location/the fact that he's around. Establish a check-in procedure.

If he is pushy again, or doesn't take no for an answer, I don't think it is unreasonable to let a police officer in the area know. Sometimes they will up patrols when they know that behavior is occurring.

The childhood indoctrination can be very strong, and deeply affect the paradigms that govern our perspective of the world. You are also struggling with a brain anomaly which can at times limit your ability to cope with these disturbing thoughts. You seem to be taking excellent care of yourself despite it though. If you are already seeing a mental health professional, make sure that they know your background in the JW Cult. All of these delusional beliefs you are experiencing are 100% commonplace among Jehovah's Witnesses, and you need to take care that your doctor understands this, so they do not misdiagnose you as having a relapse in your condition. You are struggling with the residual effects of the belief system, itself.

You seem very self aware of your condition. Here are some resources that might get your mind working on how to talk to your therapist about what you are experiencing:

​

https://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132

https://journeyfree.org/rts/

https://www.babcp.com/Review/RTS-Trauma-from-Leaving-Religion.aspx

https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/hotline-project-support/hotline-project-training/religious-trauma-syndrome/

https://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/

http://marlenewinell.net/religious-trauma-syndrome-its-

​

​

Hang in there OP...

I agree that taking action and creating a paper trail is a great idea. However, please keep one thing in mind.

For the truly obsessed stalkers, the legitimately crazy ones, often a restraining order will actually escalate their craziness. I read a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker [(here's the link of you want it)] (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198), and one thing he gives many examples of is stalkers escalating after someone takes out a restraining order. He explains it better than I could, but essentially the reason for this is that the restraining order recognizes him, and by recognizing him in a sense it legitimizes his contact. Mr. de Becker believes that the best way to take care of a stalker is to completely cut them out of your life. Refuse to interact with them on any level whatsoever. He says that after a few months of this the stalker will usually move on, unfortunately often to another target, but sometimes not.

A bit of consolation: it's only a tiny subset of stalkers that are potentially violent. Just going by statistics your sister is probably safe. Of course, the chance remains that he is potentially violent, and since it is a possibility it's up to you as her brother, and the rest of your family, to keep her safe.

Basically, don't take any chances, but don't panic either. Good luck to you guys.

I feel that the best years of life are between 21 and 24.

Attend college - treat your schoolwork seriously, with a decent measure of fun thrown in.

The friends and GF's will come (and cum).

To understand why we all feel so messed up, take a look here:

http://www.exitingthejwcult.com/p/if-you-are-going-to-see-mental-health.html

Bonnie's book is a MUST-READ.

http://www.amazon.com/EXiting-JW-Cult-Handbook-Witnesses/dp/1508477132

There's a book called The Gift of Fear, which I often see recommended. It teaches you how to listen to your own instincts and overcome the social conditioning women get to "make nice" rather than "be rude" even to predators.

I hope this helps you. Good luck to you!

The word "biblical counseling" is really really ambiguous and going to differ from group to group (or counselor to counselor). I'm a big advocate of applying the truths of the gospel to the soul and mind, but I think ultimately "counseling" requires many different tools for different situations, some biblical (strictly speaking), some medical, some psychological, some spiritual (of the Spirit and of your spirit), some relational, etc. It's extremely important, but ought to be ensured that it's done well.

Our elders and deacons have counseling and care ministries and everyone is trained in many ways, such as with Redemption, Voice of the Heart, Rid of my Disgrace, and Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, among many other resources. Even with this, they will often bring in certified pyschologists, counselors, sexual therapists, marriage counselors, etc as ways of handling situations. So I don't think it's like one school of many and it's exclusive to the others. The human soul has many facets.

I’m sure that is super overwhelming for both of you right now. But at least he has acknowledged that he has some issues and wants to work on them which is pretty huge. So make sure you continue support him and encourage him to continue with therapy. Was there emotional abuse or possibly neglect in his family growing up? Not to diagnose him or anything, but I sometimes have issues with expressing my emotions and connecting with people. I always felt something was “wrong with me”. Turns out you can be raised in a perfectly normal loving family but still have your emotional needs neglected which can make it hard to process emotions yourself. I found this book to be spot on for me. Maybe have him read the description and see if it strikes a chord. Hang in there!

Fantastic recommendations here. I can't add much (just a couple), but I'll also summarize the "top picks" in my opinion with links:

• Left of Bang
  
• The Gift of Fear
  
• Escape the Wolf
  
• Sentinel: Become the Agent in Charge of Your Own Protection Detail
  
  
• Managing Unknown Contacts
  
• [Multiple] [ITS] [Tactical] [Articles]
  
  And finally, I like this summarizing post from the Art of Manliness. It takes a lot of the core concepts from multiple sources above and distills everything down into a fairly easy-to-read article.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's all about intuition and how to use it to protect yourself -- it's pretty famous but it honestly changed my life and how I think about personal safety as a woman.

I just finished Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" this weekend and your post reminds me of a his chapter on people who seemingly don't let up. He references a situation in which a business owner was being harassed by a prospective biz partner, but I could totally see my Ndad's behaviors in it, as well as the usefulness of the advice he gives. De Becker basically says that the best way to deal with people and situations like this is simply not to engage at all. The person will fume and rant and persist, but if you deny them what they want -- a reaction and attention -- they eventually stop. It's an excellent read not only for how to deal with narcs, but also how to recognize and validate your own instinctual gut feelings.

Go to Amazon. Buy this book. "The Gift of Fear." Read it together with her.

It will not fix everything immediately. But it does provide an unparalleled big picture overview of stalking psychology, how to prevent it, and how to deal with it if it happens.

I've read nothing that explains it as well as this book. And nothing that provides the tools this book provides. I have given it to friends who are women and they said it changed how they handle strangers, pushy men, and people who test boundaries. It helps women protect themselves psychologically.

Reading it will be something you can do together that will help her feel like you are paying attention, that you get it, that you're in her corner, and that you want her to be mentally prepared (all of which it sounds like you are).

That stalker is a real winner winner chicken dinner. Fuck that dude.

And it goes without saying, but concealed carry classes for her, or at least Krav Maga, at the same time as reading that book.

My parents weren't good parents either. I know what it's like to not have a roll model in a parent. I've been reading this book, and I've learned a LOT from it. I wish I'd had it when I was your age. I'll buy it for you if you like, if you make an amazon wishlist and put it on there I can buy it for you as a gift and they'll send it to you. You have your whole life ahead of you, truly, soon you'll be able to put this in your past and make up for what you didn't get growing up.

I'm kinda concerned for you that you think he was behaving normally and you just didn't like it because you're "not cut out to have a SO" or "set it your ways." This guy came on way too strong, to the point that I'd be really concerned about how he might behave with a girlfriend.

I'm worried that if you ever do set your mind to getting a boyfriend, you might end up in a dangerous situation because you'll blame red-flag behavior on "oh, I'm just weird and don't like the way guys behave." A book a lot of people recommend to help with this is The Gift of Fear—I've read it and I thought it was really good. Good luck!

Self-harm is scary to a lot of people. I think that for most people who never did it, cutting or hurting yourself to feel better makes about as much sense as drinking to help with sobriety. So I do understand why people often freak out over it, even if it's unhelpful. Couple that with the notion that many people have that if you punish something enough, the person will stop doing it and you have a recipe where authority figures will try to solve a problem through discipline. It doesn't work, but I can see how it happens. It's extremely uncomfortable for many people to imagine a mindset where they would cut themselves, so they refuse to think too long on a good solution and just end up reacting irrationally.

Thank you for your kind words, by the way. It's been over a decade since I've had problems with self-harm. I've learned much better ways of coping with things and life has been treating me pretty well, so it's not tempting to me at all anymore.

The book Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation is actually quite good. It might help OP to pick up and read a copy.

Have you read The Gift of Fear? Great book, even for law enforcement. Battered women literally become addicted to the feeling of relief when the man acts sweet and apologetic the next day. Like, chemically addicted to the sensation.

EDIT: The Gift of Fear seriously, if someone reading this feels like they could benefit from knowing how to protect themselves but can't afford a $2 used book, I'll buy it for you. PM me.

((gentle hugs))

PTSD is extremely difficult. I did exposure therapy for a couple of months before getting sick (unrelated: I have a genetic disorder that we didn't know about) -- it helped me so much. It was sincerely horrible during the treatment but I'm far less symptomatic now.

Also, this book is fantastic: Trauma and Recovery

I have zero experience with EMDR but I've heard good things about it. Also, these things take so long to heal -- it's been over nine years since my event, and I didn't start treatment until two years ago. I'm just now starting to feel a little normal. You can do this OP!! <3333 Feel free to PM me if you need to talk, we're here for you.

Regarding weapons: you don't need a license if you are in the US and you want to purchase one. If you wish to carry a firearm concealed on your person, you will probably need a license, depending on state law. This website will help you look up your state laws, as well as break down any licensing requirements.

This book has also been recommended elsewhere in the comments. Trust your instincts.

Others have recommended taking a class, and I strongly agree. This person has no right to stalk you or harass you, and you have every right to protect yourself. Having the right mindset is key.

And here's my plug for "The Gift of Fear." A really great book that emphasizes why you SHOULD trust your gut.

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

People recommended The Gift of Fear to Melissa elsewhere ITT. I would recommend it to you as well. Internet hug.

There's an excellent book by a guy with decades of experience managing this kind of thing professionally. I strongly suggest you read it. Some of his advice is counter-intuitive, but convincing when explained. The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

nice doesn't work with stalkers. read https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 this book. if you have zero interest in the guy and if you find his attentions creepy the best option is to thoroughly ignore him. any attention or response you give, just fuels his hope and the stalking may escalate.