There are several different pieces of advice you'll get when you ask this, you'll basically need to take all of them to some degree. There is no magic bullet, and you'll never be done.

• Hate your own code. Based on your post this one is going well! This is important because it'll drive you to do things to improve, like ask /r/compsci for advice. You can always do better, but don't underrate yourself too much. There are TONS of horrible programmers out there who would NEVER bother to even look at a site like this, never mind ask a question here.
  
  
• Mind your tools; both digital and physical. The goal here is make it easy to do awesome work. For digital tools learn about your IDE, repository, OS, and any other tool you use a lot. Don't go nuts, just learn enough to make work as easy as possible. For your physical tools make sure you have a desk and chair that's not gonna kill your back. Also think about 2 or 3 monitors and upgrading your PC with more RAM and a SSD. You would be surprised how much a fast PC and better interfaces can improve your productivity.
  
  
• Read documentation. It will teach you all the nice tips and tricks most people don't know about or you don't properly understand. It's dry and painful but having a deep understanding of your language and tools is incredibly valuable. Just be warned, the deeper the documentation goes in to the details the more dry and painful it is.
  
  
• Read books about programming wisdom. Every book I see here is a good candidate for this. The difference between these and documentation is that the documentation will focus on stuff you can't learn without being told about it, while these can be learned through practice and thought but it's much better to just get the idea by reading what someone else learned. These books are amazing shortcuts to good style and maintainable code but they are useless unless they help to show you something you're ready for. It's best to reread and skim these as you progress.
  
  
• Practice. Pick something, ANYTHING and work on it. Even if it's something that will never be used it'll help you practice what you've been reading up on. Without practice you'll just slowly forget what anything you've learned.
  
  
• Get a better job. /u/alienangel2 is right. I just got a job at a company that actually cares about making good software. I've learned more in the past few months then I learned during YEARS at other places. My best advice for this is to aim for large companies that are doing well and depend on the software you'll be working on. Consulting companies and small companies both tend to lack the time, resources, and motivation to keep their code well written. Remember to ask the place you're interviewing for if they do any of the cool things you've been reading about. Interview them while they interview you. Lastly don't settle for a job if it will not challenge you, NO MATTER HOW WELL IT PAYS (unless you can't survive on that salary, that's way different).
  
  
• Physical exercise. Surprised? There's lots of research on this and you can read lots about it if you search around, but the short answer is that a bit of exercise will help you think faster and focus better.
  
  
• Exercise your mind. Ok, this may sound even weirder then the last one but if the research is right you can expect to hear more about this as time goes on. Science has found that meditation actually works really well to improve just about everything you do. I recommend Search inside yourself, It was written by a Googler and comes at mediation with self improvement based on the latest research.
  

First let me say that Hinduism is by no means a single religion, in fact it contains within it a variety of beliefs more numerous than the entirety of the Abrahamic religions, so my answers will ultimately not capture the entire corpus of Hindu beliefs.

1. There are broadly speaking three views about God in Hinduism
   
   A) Polytheism: Hindu polytheism constitutes a belief in, and worship of the many deities of the Hindu pantheon. I would say most Hindus who are not interested in learning about Hindus philosophy fall into this category by default, not that it is a bad thing by any means. These deities include many beings, examples of some are: Vishnu, Shiva, Devi, Ganesha, Surya, and many others. India is a very big place and there are even deities that are only worshiped in a certain part of the country.
   
   B) Monotheism: Under this view there is only one God, who has a personality, and has created the universe. There are three main branches of Hindu monotheism, Vaishnavism (Worship of Vishnu), Shaivism (Worship of Shiva), and Shaktism (Worship of the Goddess). Each of these branches believes that their deity is the supreme, and had religious texts supporting their belief. The Puranas are a group of texts which illustrate this mode of thinking the most. If you follow Vishnavism, then the Bhagavad Purana tells of Vishnu being the supreme, or if you follow Shaivism the Shiva Purana would be a go to text.
   
   C) Monism: Under this view God is not a person but is rather the entirety of the universe. God in this view is called Brahman, a concept that is outlined in the most important texts in Hinduism called the Upanishads. The Hindu pantheon in this view are parts of Brahman, as are we. The Upanishads describe how, after intense spiritual practice in the form of Yogic meditation, we come to the realization that the universe is one interconnected being. This philosophy is called Advaita Vedanta, one of the most influential systems of Indian thought.
   
   To qualify this even further is the fact that these views are not rigid as people can freely take ideas that makes sense to them from these categories, for example a Hindu might be monistic and believe that the true nature of the universe is Brahman, but will worship the Gods in a polytheistic manner, with the belief that these deities are manifestations of Brahman.
   
   
2. Depends on who you ask, some will say Shiva created the world because he is the supreme God, some say Vishnu did because he is the supreme. Others will say the universe created itself. The most prominent creation stories are outlined in the Puranas, texts which deal with stories.
   
   
3. Hindu, Jain, and Buddhist cosmology all agree that there are infinite universes. However there are many other aspects of Indian cosmology that are very foreign to modern science, as one would expect.
   
   
4. I'm not sure what you mean by this.
   
   
5. To be free from suffering. I don't think you have to be a pessimist to understand that the natural inclination of human existence is toward pain and misery. Spiritual practice can help us, even in this life, live in a state of happiness and bliss. How is it achieved? Yoga and meditation.
   
   
6. This is my own understanding. The modern studies around meditation and their implications in western psychology have significant parallels with Indian philosophy, most considerably in the realms of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism. Thought it isn't strictly about Hinduism, this book does an excellent job illustrating how Indian philosophy is very closely related to a modern understanding of the human experience.
   
   
7. The oldest texts in Hinduism are the four Vedas, very ancient scriptures that sing about the glories of the Hindu pantheon, although many of the Gods in the Vedas aren't even worshiped anymore, and the ones that are, are only mentioned briefly in the Vedas. For example, even thought Shiva is one of the most widely worshiped deities today, there are very few mentions of him in the Vedas, whereas the most significant deities in the Vedas such as Indra, Varuna, Agni, Mitra and others, have almost no worship today.
   
   The Upanishads are texts which constitute the last part of the Veda, and are probably the most significant when it comes to Hindu philosophy. These texts deal with the nature of the self and with Brahman. It is in the Upanishads that the basis of Hindu philosophy is expounded, there are about 13 primary Upanishads and they mostly deal with the meditative revelation that the self is no different from the universe.
   
   Texts that deal with the epic stories of Hinduism include the Mahabharata, the Ramayana, and the Puranas. The Dharma texts are books that deal primarily with morality and ethical codes.
   
   There are thousands of books from hundreds of traditions, these are just the major categories.
   
   
8. Most Hindus believe in free will.
   
   
9. Some Hindus are very superstitious and believe in all sorts of magic, and some, not so much.
   
   
10. There are Christian zealots who would point out that the Dharma texts have passages saying a woman can never divorce a man, but Hindus do not have the same relationship with religious texts that the Abrahamic religions have. If a text does not meet the mark of our knowledge and understanding Hindus are free to use their discretion when ascertaining whether it should be taken seriously or not.
    
    
11. Details depend on who you are, but generally most Hindus believe they have duties to support their family, to uphold justice and social wellbeing, and to avoid harming another living being.
    
    
12. Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism are all Indian religions and consequently are have many similarities. If you want to know exactly when and how these religions formed I recommend Indian Philosophy by S. Radhakrishnan, probably the best text on Indian religion.
    
    
13. Ignorance, there is no such thing as evil.
    
    
14. Depends on who you talk to, to some people the world is filled with spirits and elementals, and to others not so much. Some believe the stories in Hindu texts are symbolic and some believe them literally.
    
    
15. Anything
    
    
16. Similar answer to 10, you can find some dusty old book saying "men are superior to women" but most modern Hindus would agree then men and women should both be treated with respect, and that a man should treat his partner with the utmost respect and devotion.
    
    
17. Depends on who you ask, although it might be killing a monk or Brahmin.
    
    
18. Absolutely. Even those who commit the worst kinds of acts can eventually find redemption.
    
    
19. Read immensely and practice, and don't stop exploring.
    
    
20. By questioning everything and listening to all kinds of teachers with an open mind. and the moment you think you definitely, certainly, 100% have the truth, look up the counterarguments and read those too.

Thank you for your courage and taking the time to write this all out; you are on an incredible journey.

I have always believed that life was like school; if we don't learn the lesson in this life, we have to come back and repeat the "grade" next "year". I'm certain your intuition is telling you important things right now, most notably that this life has the potential to turn out in a similar fashion to a previous one if you are unable to find the insights and wisdom you need to push past the particular obstacles facing you this time.

It sounds as though your Mom needs healing just as much as you do, but you have absolutely no control over her spiritual process. The best you can do for yourself and your whole family is to become a trailblazer leading the way to a happier life, and it most certainly can be done. We are not doomed to repeat past mistakes, that is just the "autopilot" mode running in the background until we wake up and take the wheel.

It sounds as if it would be very beneficial for you to specifically focus on healing, shifting your focus and attention from anxiety and feeling like you already know the future (it's really not written in stone) to how you will heal and release the pain you are carrying. The pain we carry not only accumulated in this life, but also in the lives of our ancestors and this can get passed down to us as well, so when we begin to focus on our own healing, we can also pay respect to our ancestors by acknowledging their suffering and sending them love and peaceful thoughts (this includes your mother).

While anxiety may be an unavoidable part of BPD, we can make our own anxiety worse by obsessively focusing on it. When we shift the focus to healing, the anxiety doesn't necessarily go away but we are no longer giving it ultimate power in our lives. As we form this habit more and more, anxiety slowly fades in prominence. It is healing, not anxiety, that gives us feelings of peace and enjoyment in life, so if you do want more peace and enjoyment, and to find a new path forward, then it seems that moving your focus toward healing will be a helpful way to feel better on some level.

I'll recommend several books and hopefully at least one will spark your interest. You might be able to get a few of them from the library if you don't want to buy them, and most are on Amazon/Kindle to read on your phone.

The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield: this is an easy read that gives people more insight into the underlying energy exchange happening in our personal/family relationships as well as the interplay between ourselves and our religion (in this case, Catholicism). There is a "control" paradigm clearly on display here, and I sense those very same undercurrents happening around you as well, so this is an easy read that brings those ideas more into focus so that you can move to the next book...

The Empowerment Dynamic: The Power of TED, David Emerald: one of the single most important books a person can read when they are struggling with relationships. In every conflict, we can identify one of three roles being played out; a Victim, a Persecutor, or a Rescuer. A person can even swap between several roles in the course of one argument, moving from the aggressive persecutor to the slighted victim the moment someone stands up to their bullying behavior. It's so incredibly important to be able to identify this behavior in real time so that you can stop responding to it in the same old habitual ways. This book illustrates how to shift your perspective so that you no longer have to have those arguments. The most important point here is that you don't read this book to have an idea of how to change others; you read this book to have an idea how you relate to others, and in many cases, others begin to relate to you differently because your behavior changed, but you did not specifically change them (nor should you try).

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz: this is a beautifully simple little book that encapsulates four principles of Tol'tec wisdom, which mesh well with any other religion.

​

Sacred Contracts, Caroline Myss: this one will really speak to your spiritual path and your spiritual connection with others, and why we reincarnate back into similar situations so that we can ultimately resolve chronic spiritual issues.

​

The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh, Thich Nhat Hanh: powerful, simple stories from a beloved Zen Buddhist monk. Comforting, illuminating, loving and compassionate.

​

Sending you love and support, wishing you peace.

You've already gotten lots of great advice here, but just throwing out a couple more ideas...

• Play a game like "red light/green light" but with talking. Explain the rules of this exciting new game: when I say "talking time", you have to talk as much as you can until I say "quiet time", and then you have to be totally quiet until the next "talking time". Start out with very short "quiet times" so she can be successful, and then you can challenge her with longer and longer times as she gets better at it. Might not give you much of a break in the short-term, but at least it starts letting her practice self-control over her talking.
  
  
• Another game: the "listening game!" Challenge her to see how many sounds she can hear in different locations (the kitchen, the bedroom, the backyard, etc). Listen with her for a set amount of time (maybe show her a timer so she can see how long is left; again, work up to longer times), then discuss all the different sounds you heard.
  
  
• There are a couple good picture books on this theme that you might read with her, such as Lacey Walker Nonstop Talker, My Mouth is a Volcano, and Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns to Listen. You might also check out The Listening Walk or Silence before playing the above-mentioned "listening game."
  
  
• Maybe reframe the problem as working on listening, rather than talking less. Play some games to practice listening skills, like being a robot who follows directions (of course she gets to take a turn giving you directions too!), or listening to music and drawing/painting what it sounds like to her.
  
  
• Try some relaxation or meditation exercises - this site has some cool ideas, and there are quite a variety of apps out there too. One exercise that I love doing with kids this age is mindful eating - have her eat a chocolate chip by letting it slowly melt on her tongue, or eat an orange slice as slowly as she possibly can. Guided imagery can be fun too, though again you might have to start with something really short. Imaginations and Starbright are both collections of brief guided imagery stories; there are also recordings such as Still Quiet Place and Indigo Ocean Dreams. I've also heard good things about the book Sitting Still Like a Frog.
  
  
• Love the "brain voice" idea that others have mentioned. Maybe you could practice using your brain voices together, like agree you're both going to say the ABCs in your heads at the same time (you can kind of bob your head or something to show that you're thinking each letter, to help her go through them all slowly). Have her try singing songs in her head, reading signs or short sentences in her head, etc.
  
  
• Not exactly a long-term solution, but you could try to find her some other listeners besides you! When she's talking your ear off, tell her to go talk to her brother, or the dog, or her favorite stuffed animal. As she gets better at writing, she can write letters to friends (or you!), and journal to herself. In fact, it might be worth getting her a fun exciting diary now (something like this) even if it's a bit laborious for her at this point; at least maybe she'll be quiet focusing on her writing!

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
   
2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !
   
   Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.

I felt about the same at your age. It's amazing how much better life gets later. Granted, I do take an SSRI now, and they are not recommended for people your age. Do whatever you have to do to graduate from high school at the very least.

Start by making your bed. Get up and make your bed. And that one little act will help fuel you for the rest of it. Starting the day with that one accomplishment can set the tone for the rest of the day and provide motivation.

Don't assign too much importance to what other people think of you. You are you, you didn't choose to be you, you are playing the game with the hand you were dealt, which is all anyone can do. You got dealt a worse hand than some people and a better hand than some people. You have strengths and weaknesses. You have a good command of English, which will serve you quite well. Anyway, I see too many young people worrying too much about what too many other people think about too many things. It's nice that they have opinions, but so do you, and yours are just as valid. In a world of fools, a wise person appears foolish.

Be thankful for what you have. You are not in China or North Korea, where the boot of the government would be on your throat, telling you what you can do or say or think. You're free. You have access to the Internet. You are smart. One recipe for misery is to compare oneself to other people who seem to have it so much better. "If I only had so-and-so's life" "So-and-so has it made." That kind of comparison is absolutely pointless and can make a person miserable. It's so easy to just think about it in a different way. "Thank goodness I am not struggling with [whatever disease]." etc. Be thankful for what is good. Help other people if you can. That goes a long way towards lifting you up to a higher plane of existence.

I hope things will go better for you, you are doing the right thing to ask for help and advice. If you can go to a church, even if you are not Christian, a good church with a good pastor will have people who are taught to accept and love people unconditionally. At my church, we would welcome an atheist who just came for human contact and companionship.

Good luck, I hope you get some good advice from people here and make good decisions as a result.

> First I don't agree that the sense of self is a feeling. I'd rather use "phenomenon of the mind" o maybe "construct" for lack of a better expression.

This is really just semantics, no? We can definitely supplant the word 'feeling' with words such as phenomenon, construct, sense, belief etc. I would argue that mind is a lot more encompassing than self, and it would be fallacious to conflate the two. The mind clearly exists, thoughts clearly exist.

The sense of self is encompassed in the mind, but the mind encompasses mental phenomena which we don't usually associate with the volitional self/ego, like dreams (funnily, though, the sense of self still exists in dreams). Thoughts are like dreams. Pay close attention, and they come in and out of consciousness without our volition. But the sense that there is some "controller" of these thoughts is illusory -- and we can see this if we meditate effectively, or take psychedelics. Indeed, since you seem to be a materialist, it would follow for you then that thoughts are a manifestation of the brain itself -- and we do not choose the construct of our brain, or how our innumerate amount of neurons inter correlate.

Indeed, the paradox that we think our thoughts becomes apparent in any beginners meditation practice. Beginners invariably complain that they can't meditate since they can't stop thinking (which is actually great they can observe this!). But, the phenomenon of the self (to use one of your words) is defined as being the controller of thoughts. If we were this controller of thoughts, wouldn't we just decide to stop thinking without any difficulty whatsoever?


> Second, because you can "turn it off" or detach yourself from it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

One facet of this illusory sense of self is the belief that it is always there and stable. The fact that there are significant moments in one's consciousness where it doesn't exist at all completely counteracts our conceptual understanding of the ego/self.

> Third, and this is a very complicated matter, what does it mean "to exist"? Would you say that a cultural value does not exist? That a convention does not exist?

To exist means to be real. Cultural values and conventions surely have conceptual truth, but they don't exist in objective reality. Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris had a really interesting podcast where they debated truth for over two hours. Maybe check out Buddhist ideas on relative truth and ultimate truth as well?


> Would you say that a magic trick is not real or does not exist just because it's not what it appears to be?
>
> The magic trick is indeed real, even if your perception makes you see beyond the actions of the magician.

Hmmm. No. The illusion of magic can appear real, but that doesn't mean the magic is real. I feel this analogy, if anything, just substantiates my point.

I cannot stress enough I am not making these claims based on religious dogma or pseudo science, but on scientific inquiry and experiential observation. They are increasingly investigated in scientific realms.

You seem like an intelligent and thoughtful individual, and I'm not explaining these points as clearly as I can (I'm very sleep deprived) or, indeed, as others do far better. Do check out Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality without Religion by prominent nueroscientist Sam Harris and/or Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment by evolutionary psychologist Robert Wright.

If you ever end up doing so, I'd be really curious in your reflections -- especially if you still disagree that the self is an illusion. :)

I was more clueless about life when I was 18 than I would have cared to admit at the time.

However when I was 18 I was already running my own business and making good money at it, something called a BBS (bulletin board system) which was a precursor to the WWW. I was already using the Internet way before the WWW and transferred my business to the Web when it was viable to do so. I eventually sold it in 1998.

Here's some advice, not that you asked for it.

Make a personal mission statement. This will change throughout the years, review it every year or a couple times a year. Google "make a personal mission statement" and start getting ideas. No rush here, spend a few days thinking about it. It's a living document of your purpose so feel free to change it as changing fits. I keep my mission statement tacked behind my work laptop and have it memorized by now.

Next you'll want to make goals. I have yearly goals I make at the start of each year, due by Feb 1. Then I make 10 year goals for the decade. By your age I had a goal sheet, which I accomplished, to get me to the age of 30. This is a good primer for it: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_90.htm this appears to be a paywall site but allows you to look at this article without paying.

We had a meeting a couple years ago, about 120 of us in attendance, and a retired Navy Seal was giving a group of us a motivational speech and provided content. He asked who had goals written down, about 20% of us raised our hands. He asked who had 10 year goals, about 10 people raised their hands. Then he asked who had 100 year goals and I was the only one who raised a hand.

I suppose he wasn't expecting anyone to claim a 100 year goal list, but here I am. A top earner in the room and a leader in the same respect. He asked me what the 100 year goals included and I told him "Legacy" which is funny because his next slide was about legacy, so I queued him up for a win. My answer was "I'm not just doing this for me, I'm creating a legacy and I want my great great great grandchild to get a check some day to pay for a house, or pay for college."

When I was 18 I didn't want kids. Well, now I have 3, and it's funny how life does that to you. Legacy is about taking care of your future after you die. Whether that's a charity, family, or something else you're interested in. Make your 100 year goals, yes you'll be dead, that's irrelevant. "You can't take it with you!" is a stupid phrase I've always frowned at. You can't take anything with you, but you can leave behind an enduring legacy, even if small.

So get your goals squared away and you'll start to feel less clueless about life, by the way, as a guy in my mid 40s there are plenty of things I'm clueless about. My son is about to turn 18, just graduated high school, I've given him the same advice as you. I'll be mentoring him through summer until he starts college.

Try to find a mentor, even if it's a college student only 2 years older than you. Surround yourself with smart able people. Make friends with people better than you. I've always had some older friends and today I have several in their 60s/70s. Retired CEOs, CIOs, guys who ran giant fishing fleets, guys that ran giant telcos, surgeons, politicians, etc. People I can learn from.

Never be afraid to be the youngest and certainly never be afraid to be the lowest on the ladder. This is how we learn and grow by surrounding ourselves with success.

Always read. It doesn't have to be a book about anything but always read. I go between fun books, historical books, and motivational or educational books. Start here: https://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Bed-Little-Things/dp/1455570249

Good luck my man. You've got this, we need you.

So, first off, I'm sorry you've had it rough. I'm male and undoubtedly quite a bit older than you are, so I've been around the block plenty of times. Hopefully some of this will help.

1. Self-esteem is definitely one area where "fake it 'til you make it" can be helpful. Half of the battle is re-training yourself not to always put yourself down or think negatively about yourself. As you have found out hard way, showing your insecurities to men is a great way to scare them away. It's totally normal to HAVE insecurities, I just think one of the first steps is trying hard not to show them in ways that get you in trouble. Ironically, one of the best ways to end up with a partner who doesn't make you feel insecure is to pretend like you don't give a fuck whose social media he likes, etc.
   
   
2. Check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901 Inexpensive, easy read, basically talks about how to work to change self-hating behaviors.
   
   
3. Probably obvious, but please consider therapy. Faking it is a potential first step towards avoiding really obvious blow-ups like the one you mentioned above. But at the heart of it, your lack of self-esteem is going to cause you LIFE-LONG issues, especially in relationships but also extending to school, career, and so on. If you want this to get better, you need to commit to figuring out and addressing the root cause of your self-esteem and anxiety issues. Therapists are TRAINED to help people with problems like this. It's pretty much their entire purpose.
   
   
4. Self-esteem is one area that I feel is best kept (mostly) private. Here's what I mean: People like to talk about being able to share anything with a partner. That's certainly a great ideal. But the truth is, self-esteem and related anxiety are persistent things that you struggle with every day. If you tell your partner every time you think of it how much you hate yourself, or hate when he likes someone's stuff on Instagram, or talks to a cute girl, etc., over time it will absolutely to change how they view you, even if you have a solid relationship to start. They will start to respect you less and get more and more frustrated with your lack of self-esteem. There's definitely a certain amount of "If she hates herself so much, then why do I bother liking her?" So, if you get into a relationship with someone, it's perfectly fine to tell them that you struggle sometimes with a lack of self-esteem. And of course I hope they will be supportive. But try to TEMPER your expression of that when you are around him or even others like good female friends, because the more you do it, the more it will impact how people feel about you.
   
   
5. Finally, to a certain extent, you can't avoid competition when you are dating. But you can't let it rule you. These days, it is certainly common when you first start seeing someone, for them to potentially be seeing others. You can't worry about them, and you have to retrain your brain not to obsess over every little thing, especially the stalker-ish type stuff like monitoring their behavior on social media or dating apps. I have good female friends my age who KILL themselves stalking people they like and trying to analyze what it means. They say things like "He liked his ex-wife's photo on Facebook" and "We are chatting, but I see he's online on Tinder!!" Could stuff like that be a potential problem? Absolutely. Are there assholes out there? Absolutely. Should you be worrying about this after dating for a week? Not in the slightest (IMHO). My point is, I believe you have to start from a point of trust, and believing what a person says and does directly with you. If we didn't have social media or dating apps, like previous generations, you would never even know about any of this stuff. And somehow those people still found partners eventually.
   
   These are just a few things I learned over my way-too-long life of dating. Not sure this will help, but I hope so!

Part 2

As for figuring yourself out, I am still in the process. I've been told its a life long one. But I've learned more in the past couple months than the rest of my life. And here is what helped. Reading self help books. Various, but I'll list the ones with the biggest impact. Also personality typing books helped a lot. They may not be 100% accurate but they have accurately targeted thought processes that we all have and seeing them fully explained in a way that matched a majority of my life was chilling and revelating.

I'll warn you that spirituality and religion is rampant in self help books. Earlier in my life I found this repulsive and rejected a lot of things that could have helped me because I was a firm atheist. You know, I was a logical little kid and I believed in what I could see. I was calling bullshit on the whole god deal in junior high without any outside influences. I even used to go to church and I live in a very religious area, it just didn't jive with me. But I have realized that while spirituality often manifests itself in the form of religion, it is something that we all will have. Spirituality put simply is meaning in a seemingly meaningless universe. And you will want it. Before you die, you will want to know that it all mattered. For a lot of people they turn to religion. For other people they try to help others(HEY LOOK AT ME). As such a lot of the people that write self help books are religious and they insert God heavily into their texts. This does not invalidate anything they have to teach you. If you put down a book because the writer is religious then you are only hurting yourself. I do not extend this opinion to televangelists and the like. There are snakes in the field pretending to help people because its an easy way to make money. But mostly, the self help field is powered by people who really want to help others and who gives a fuck what they believe IF they can actually help people. The universe is fucking crazy if some people need religion to deal with it so what.

Personality typing is what I got to first.. it helped me recognize some of my motivations for the actions I take and the books on the personality types themselves are self help books. I prefer the enneagram to others and the best book to start with for that is Personality Types by Don Richard Riso. I've moved on a bit from this as I have more pressing concerns like finding a fitting occupation that I like but I will definitely return and explore. In understanding yourself, you can understand other people better. https://www.amazon.com/Personality-Types-Enneagram-Self-Discovery-Richard/dp/B00DO8TFAG/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1482784672&sr=1-1&keywords=Personality+Types%3A+Using+the+Enneagram+for+Self-Discovery+revised

Psycho-cybernetics Updated and Expanded by Maxwell Maltz. Once you understand a bit about how you work and what you want, how do you make yourself get there? This book is how. The whole book is based around one thing and how to apply it - what you think you become. It sounds kinda dumb but it is a truth. A man thinks about building a house, then he builds one. Everything that we've done started as an idea. We pull from the metaphysical(feelings, thoughts) to build from the physical(the universe). This includes our mind and body, because somehow the mind is (seems) metaphysical yet clearly relies upon physical matter that can be changed. So the mind can change itself. There is a section of the mind that operates autonomously, the sub conscious. This book aims to teach you about it and how to operate it. https://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-Updated-Expanded-Maxwell-Maltz/dp/0399176136/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=WBE8PSVGHBSQ7QSB80XT

Now I am working through the audio book of https://www.amazon.com/Days-Work-You-Love-Preparing/dp/1433669331 Its been very good so far and has a very practical workbook for figuring out what you really want to do. There is much philosophical thought on what work should be and really opened my eyes to what it could be. Before, I just needed money. I wanted something tolerable that made adequate dollars. But that may not be the way. As well it has much information on actually getting the job once you know what you want.

These may not resonate with you. Nobody made this list of books for me, I had to find it myself. I did read reviews and look at recommendations, but nobody said read this, this and this, and you'll be good to go. I don't think it works that way, but these are definitely great books.

You are reluctant to stop the weed because you were already like this before. What does that have to do with anything? If my foot is already hurting, and I go kick a door, it is just going to hurt worse. Regular weed use decreases motivation, its a fact. You can read studies if you need to see it to believe it. Slight impairments in pretty much all areas, which you definitely do not need if you are ADHD. Also some studies suggesting it can alter brain development for the worse. And not to mention the smoke.. You need your brain and lungs at 100%. You think these 19 years have sucked? Well you have a lot of years left. Conclude what you will. As for the anxiety and insomnia, I suggest ashwagandha. Its a godsend with no side effects. https://examine.com/supplements/ashwagandha/ If you get it, you need to make sure it says KSM 66 as that is the more effective version. It also varies per vendor but swanson is a good brand and the one I use.

Okay! You read my essay what now. Go to the doctor and get medicine. Yes they have side effects, yes they suck. But they work. First one doesnt work or the side effects too strong? Do not be complacent, change dose or change medication. Dose can be extremely important. On viibryd 40mg I have sleep paralysis and wake up after very short time leaving me extremely exhausted. Also insomnia. I've been on viibryd 20mg for 8 days and nearly all the negative effects have vanished. I just cut my pills in half, no need to go back to the doc just to test dosages.. although perhaps that was a bad idea because the reason I made this throw away account was to vent during a huuuuuuuuuge mood swing. That morning I was out walking listening to self help audio books planning my future. And all of a sudden I was slumped down asking myself why I ever thought I could achieve anything. Withdrawals can be rough.

My straterra, an adhd medication, the only side effect it causes is that its a little harder to urinate. Grants me a lot of control. Someday, I hope to be well enough to not need the viibryd. But I will never not need the adhd medication. My mother smoked while pregnant and breastfeeding and it damaged my brain. It sucks, its a fact.

How I broke my loop -

1. Desperation
   
2. Ayahuasca/mindfulness
   
3. Time/letting my brain mature and the adhd to taper off a little more
   
4. Medicine
   
5. Self help books
   
   Also don't assume that the mushrooms did nothing. It took awhile for me to realize what ayahuasca had done and how I could use it, I'm talking months. Although I haven't done them(I am interested in that though. Heard good things).

No therapy is probably going to make this harder. Have you looked into anti anxiety medication with your GP? Even if it's to get the edge off while you try to work things out?

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Anyways, fellow depression/anxiety/lashes out when stressed sufferer here. There's a couple of things that have helped for me:

- Build alternative communication skills. One of my biggest problems was that I didn't know how to properly voice my issues with my SO or anybody else for that matter. My first method of action was being passive aggressive or snide. When I realized what I was doing, I jumped to the other extreme and bottled it all up. Can't ruin things if you're not saying anything, amiright?! But then that would just explode later and cause more problems. A book that helped me very much is Crucial Conversations. It speaks about the thinking fallacies people tend to have (choosing between being honest and being nice), common communication mistakes and a step by step plan on how you can bring hard topics to the table. I use these basics in normal conversations too, when the "stakes" aren't as high. Having an alternative method for me to switch to, instead of my old ones, really helped.

- Change your internal narrative. Another thing that has been absolutely exhausting to deal with is the constant internal monologue about not being good enough, nice enough, kind enough. I should, I need to, if I was a great person I would... If you constantly beat yourself down, you stay down and words have meaning and a certain weight on their own. If I keep telling myself that I suck and I was an idiot for doing xyz, that feeling will stay. I would strongly advice reading A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. It's a bit of an old book, but I felt like they guy described perfectly what goes on inside my head. By telling yourself that you did something "less than ideal" instead of "incredibly stupid" you kind of take the edge off the situation. I know it sounds stupid, but I've been trying to get into the habit of this and found that after a while I went from having a meltdown of "OMG HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN IDIOT, I WILL NEVER LEARN?!" to facepalming, sighing at myself and be very firm in doing better next time. The energy I save with that, that I would otherwise have wasted, is very useful for other things.

- Change your external narrative. Words have a meaning and interpretations. Sometimes we're raised with ways of phrasing things and don't even realize what exactly it is we're saying. I found that I had a tendency of trying to subconsciously manipulate those around me through language. Basically shoving my feelings onto someone else, so they would make me feel better. Obviously things like bullying are big, clear markers, but there's a lot more subtle ways that people do it and don't even realize. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Elgin discusses how one would use language against others without being overly aggressive. It made me realize how people were actually manipulating me, but also how I was manipulating them. Have you ever used something like "Well, if you really loved me you would..." or "Even someone like you would understand...". Big communication nono's, but because they're not as aggressive like "You're a bitch" or "Get fucked", people tend to not notice them. By recognizing these patterns being used on you and you using themselves, you can stop using them but also learn tools on how to deal when someone uses them on you.

- Self reflect, self reflect, self reflect. Through my education I was forced to constantly look at my strong and weak points. I had to write assessments twice a year on what I did right and wrong, with proof. And believe me, if you either had an assessment that was all negative or all positive the teachers would have a talk with you about how well you were reflecting. Then after college I landed in a job where every year I had to do the exact darn thing. What had I learned this year? What did I improve since last year? What are my goals for next year? How do I plan to achieve those goals and why did I have those goals? What are reasonable, doable steps to not only achieve the goals, but to also improve some weaknesses? Again, and again, and again. It's hard to say you suck and can't do anything write and you don't have any good qualities when you're forced to look at yourself and point out what your good qualities are. You start usually with small or general things like "well... I'm always on time to work" or "well... I don't maim animals." While I learned this through circumstances, a friend recommended Acceptance: Time to Self-Reflect for Personal Growth by Dr. Olivia Miller as a good starting point. Where are you at now and where do you want to be next year around this time? How are you planning on getting there? What are small, reasonable steps to get there?

- Get to know yourself. Last tip I can give you is that YOU focus on YOU first. Do you have a clear self image of who you are? What do you want in life? What are your likes and dislikes? What would your ideal self and world be 2, 5, 10 years from now? Would you want to be a successful writer? Would you rather have traveled the globe? Or be a doctor, communication expert at a company, mother of 2 kids, have 2 dogs and a cat? People who don't have a clear outline of who they are, tend to be less secure and more often to lash out to others. Having a relationship with someone, while you don't like or know yourself tends to be a disaster. Because people will tend to try and get an identity or validation through the other person to feel good. Then when that other person does something away from the partner (like go on an outing with friends, talk to another person of the opposite gender or just not pick up the phone) the partner become insecure and might lash out because of it. This combines with the self reflecting, who ARE you? What do YOU want? Things like self confidence and high self esteem are nice and dandy, but they can't exist if you don't have a good idea of who you are. Start with looking at yourself first, before looking at your SO. Start small: what food do you like and dislike? What's your favorite color? Favorite way of eating an egg? Then build up the scale: Do you want a pet? Cat or a dog or something completely different? How many? Go higher again: Do you want kids? If so, why and how many? Would you like to be married? Why or why not? And higher again: What do you look for in a spouse? What would your ideal career look like? Until you've got a clear picture of who you are.

Obviously there's a lot of other stuff you can do, but I'd start with those five and go from there.

I would recommend that you read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (link to Amazon).



I read this book two years ago with not much belief in the knowledge shared here. I didn't fully believe or apply the principles, so it wasn't really helpful.



A few months ago, I came across this book again. Difference? I was desperate for change. I felt like my life was unravelling at the seams. I kind of had a similar background as you but with my father. He would literally laugh at my dreams and tell me I would "be overshined by my siblings," and told me I was "always lacking in everything." He is the reason I often fall into patterns of completely disregarding any achievement of mine. A few months ago, this was my typical day: I relived my worst memories once every few hours in attempt to "understand myself" (now I see it was a form of self-sabotage) and I kept telling myself I was strong for getting through these situations, but it didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure every day. I can't say I know exactly what you feel like now, but I can relate.


Okay, so back to the book. I read this with desperation. By then I was already aware of the importance of your mindset and what you tell yourself, but I didn't really know how to translate this knowledge into practice. And then came this book. Simply put, the idea is to tell yourself this one thing over and over again. "I love myself." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not right now. Just do it. Because you will get to a point where you actually value yourself through this seemingly stupid exercise. I have to say I feel better than ever about who I am. I'm just more secure about the person I am. My flaws, my interests, and all. I was socially awkward because I wanted people to like me so badly. Now, I'm not charming anyone by any extent of the word, but I don't feel that pressure to impress someone or make sure they like me anymore. (It's not completely gone, but eight to nine times out of ten, I don't think "what if they don't like me" anymore.) This is one the most effective CBT techniques I have experienced.



Also, a key idea here was to stop any negative thought process from unfolding by saying the words "not important" in your mind. This has been surprisingly helpful, and I don't go the on crazy negative tangents in my mind much anymore.

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I also recommend you read the book Mindset. It became much easier to make progress and accept that I was making progress in different areas of my life with a growth mindset.

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Best of luck! I hope you do well. I know you can get over this. I'm saying this as someone who has gone through clinical depression, anxiety, and self-sabotage over the past four years. I'm now thankfully completely recovered from depression and anxiety, and am working to get into university with a scholarship while freelancing. I get depressed and anxious, but it's not the magnitude of mental illness anymore.

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Remember progress isn't instant. I don't know how negative your thought processes are, but the "instant change" I outline above is just to show you an example of where you might be. You might be mentally somewhere closer to me three years ago when it took a good year and a half to rid myself of my worst thought processes.

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Good luck!

I've walked through the valley that you're walking right now many times and I hopefully this discussion and examination of what confidence is can help you.

I think it's really common to think "I'm ugly, not smart, neurotic..." therefore I'm not confident or worth anything. ("If only I was better looking or was nicer, then I'd have it"). I went through a long period of reflection and self-improvement. I went to the gym, I improved myself in many fields, I improved my looks, and sometimes it did help temporarily, but at the end of the day I still felt the same. Honestly sometimes it made it worse because I felt the same despite the "positive change" I made in my life. So then I started to really examine things, "Will doing X, Y, Z really give me confidence? What about it will make me finally feel secure and have that self-worth?" and "What is confidence".

I think society tends to push this belief that confidence derives from external values and factors "Be good looking, be rich, be skilled, etc.", however in reality this makes your confidence hollow and transient. On the other-hand Confidence derived from internal factors can become unshakable. Confidence is the simple belief in the inherent value of the self, and being confident is understanding that you'll bring yourself forward through the inevitable failure and hardship. It's distinctly different from arrogance, which is the belief you'll succeed (or even worse deserve to succeed) regardless of everything. You can identify a confident person by someone who can genuinely laugh about their own mistakes/fuck-ups.

You don't lack confidence because you have these negative qualities, you see these negative qualities in yourself because you lack confidence. There are people who are have these negative qualities but still have a core confidence about them.

So then where does that leave you? How do you become confident?

Some people are lucky in that they've lived a life of enough positive experience and reinforcement that they have instilled in them the sense of core confidence.

However if you don't have this then you have to "brainwash" yourself into believing it. This isn't easy and it's not quick and unfortunately at the very base level it comes down to "just do it" level of advice. You have inherent value simply because you exist, that's your mantra. Simply by existing, you have value. Not value to other people, not to society, but to yourself, and value to yourself is what matters in the end. Repeatedly tell yourself this, meditate on it. It will feel hollow, and it will feel like lies at times, but you have to ignore that voice in your head and force yourself to believe. When you feel yourself slipping down back into that ravine, catch yourself and think "Ok, I know this path and I'm not going to go down it".

Also, why do you assume that voice telling you all that negative shit correct in the first place? Why are you so confident that you're right about all that negative stuff about yourself? Have humility and think "maybe that voice is just wrong?". Learn to separate yourself and that voice, learn to catch those thoughts and think "there's that voice again, thanks for the criticism but it might be wrong". That's what meditation is for, to give you agency is controlling where your thoughts go. Meditation is nice, but you have to apply the tools you get by training it.

You have to make the decision to become confident, and that means not allowing yourself to wollow in these negative thoughts. The thoughts can be comforting in a parasitic way, they become a part of the identity and then become a way of validating the self, feeding upon itself. This won't be fast, this won't be easy, and this won't be a linear improvement. You'll slip down and fall back into old ruts, but keep pressing forward. It's like in meditation, your thoughts will slip to random trains of thought, but the goal isn't about maintaining focus the entire time but more-so the goal is to catch yourself and bring your focus back to center. Each time you bring yourself back from slipping, you place a block underneath you, and slowly you build that sturdy foundation that is confidence.

Recommended Readings:

Practicing the Power of Now (Ignore the overtly spiritual aspects)

Love yourself like your life depends on it.

My guru found me. I was not looking for a guru or a spiritual path. I didn't believe in or have faith in God, religion, spirituality, or any teachers.

I was looking for self understanding and happiness. I was handed a couple of books with a yogic perspective. One was The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama, and the other was Where There is Light, by Paramhansa Yogananda. I resonated with both of these.

In my early readings of Yogananda I remember him saying that "Belief won't save you, you need to know God if you would be free." With all my wisdom, it struck a cord in me that this guy is saying that belief is not what it's all about and that there is some way to KNOW GOD. I thought this was really interesting, because I had assumed all religion and spirituality was a bunch of belief oriented stuff to help weak people make it through the day. I had no idea what was laid out before me.

He said to meditate and I learned how from someone who followed him. He said that God would come to us an any form we called out to, if we would call with deep sincerity and with love. I was ready to try.
I used his techniques for about a year or more, and tried every day. One day I was answered. God is real. Meditation is real. The help of a guru is the greatest blessing to fall on man.

Everything in my life changed. I gave my life to Yogananda. I'll never walk alone again. He is as alive (more alive) than any pile of flesh and bones walking this earth. I know him. He knows me. My life is full of miracles, little and big. The greatest miracle of all is Joy and the Love I feel for God, life and man. I would never have known how good life is if it was not for what Yogananda has done for me.

Understand that the ego is what lies between you and Bliss. That is it, there is nothing else in the way.

Those who say, Oh, an external teacher... or the guru is within... and basically are guiding themselves, I understand, but there is a better way. It's not black and white. The guru IS within, but the guru is not your own mind or thoughts or feelings. He/She is behind all of them. Watching, praying and waiting for you to recognize their presence in your life.

If you want to know your guru. Pray for that awareness to come to you once you have become prepared to receive what the guru can offer.

The guru is not here to get you a job, a girfriend, or an easy life. The Guru comes when you are over it. When you are ready to put it all down and want God alone.

When this is what you want, and you are really clear, when you are desparate as St. Anthony, or St Francis, or Sri Rama Krishna, the guru will cry for you in your heart and will arise in your life.

and still, you'll have to choose. You'll have to overcome doubt and fear to receive him.

and it will be the most glorious day of your life when you really know, you have never been alone.

love and joy to all

I had this problem, but it eventually wore itself out, but not until I has some genuine understanding of what it was I really had come to believe. Now, I mostly practice and don't think much about all the abstract stuff. And I don't get attached too much to apparent revelations when they present themselves anymore, either. The fact is, until you reach the point where you know for sure, it just doesn't matter all that much. Learning how to exist without struggle in everyday life is what matters and practice is what helps this. Practice also spontaneously causes revelations and a base state of happiness. As Google author Chade Meng Tan said in Search Inside Yourself, the natural state of your mind is happy by default.

I overheard a real NY Italian mafia-type guy the other day talking about religion and he said he doesn't bother with Church and he's not sure about God and he doesn't really care if there is or isn't. "What difference does it make?" he said, "Whether God's real or not real, I'll never know because He's certainly not going to tell me." But, he said he's a very religious person because, "when you talk to God, what are you doing? You're really talking to yourself." And he went on to explain that he does a lot of work with kids and charity work, etc. because that's what makes him feel good and by feeling good, he knows that what he's doing is right for him. Other people don't matter. What they believe doesn't matter. He went on for quite a while like this and it made me think about mystical traditions and how they differ from the exoteric religions. All the exoteric ones, really, you pray to an external deity for help. All the mystical ones recognize that at least some aspect of that deity is within you, which is why you have to work for it: the amount of effort you put into it reflects what you get out of it. This is in many different mystical/esoteric/occult traditions; some believe the deities really exist, other times you invent these entities from whole cloth, knowing that belief and effort are the keys to getting a result from your prayers / magical working / meditation / whatever.

I think that a lot of the general ideas about how reality works have been explained to death from various points of view and you can spend years trying to figure out which paradigm you really believe. It can be a real waste of time. The reality we know is right in front of our faces, so we can analyze that and interact with that and not worry so much about what we can't know. How are you ever going to know the Truth with a capital T until you experience it yourself? How will you ever experience it through thinking, writing and reading? You can only experience it by letting go of concepts and letting experiences happen, learning from those experiences, but letting go of that, too, because the reality is always going to be bigger than your current set of concepts... until you finally reach that point where you really KNOW, if you ever do.

So, I like what the Italian guy said. You have to do what feels right to you and not worry about other people and their ideas. There really is no god but man and no philosophy that is divine as far as we'll ever know, so you have to steer your own ship and be true to yourself. You can't be true to yourself if you're always looking for some philosophy to tell you what to do. If you find a philosophy that resonates with you, then that's great.

Read Meng's book and just try to be mindful for a while with mindfulness meditation practices.

I'm in the exact same boat. I'm light years better than I was, but I have my very weak moments (usually at 5am for some unhealthy reason) where I miss my little girl and my wife. I put my little girl first in that list for a reason, because she's my #1 priority right now. That said, I peck this note to you as I sit in a snowed in condo, while my little girl and I watch Pluto cartoons! If you've got any pictures of your ex that you use to nurse yourself with, do yourself a favor and trash them immediately. That will only serve to slow down your healing. Be very cordial and business minded when it comes to co-parenting child, as others have said. On the days you have your child, bathe them in your love, because that bonding time is super precious and will set the tone for your relationship with them (her/him?).

Also, read this book. It's been instrumental in giving me actionable, and practical perspective. That, buddies, therapy, the gym, good food and the love of your child is what you need right now. One last piece of advice: dial back the porn if that's a drug you've used in the past. In my experience, dialing back on that has helped expedite my healing. All the best, and please feel free to PM me if you need a sounding board. When I was early in this process, I had a friend on here that did that for me, and I would love to pay it forward.

God Bless.

At first I thought, maybe he’s in shock & hasn’t snapped out of it yet, but the more I read he just sounds like an asshole.

You need to put together a support system & stay organized. Reach out to anyone & everyone for help. Do not be shy about it, now isn’t the time to tip-toe or hesitate.

1. Get organized. Buy a giant calendar & dedicate it to only your stuff. Aside from appointments, use it to track your medications & symptoms. Keep a notebook to jot down questions to ask your doctors & also to summarize what was discussed in your appt.
   
   Some cancer planners I got:
   

• Cancer101 The best bang for your buck at $25 & they send an extra section regarding the type of cancer you have. It also includes an accordion folder to help keep track of paperwork which is great.
  
• ReadyForRecovery Much pricier at $50, but it looks nicer & I like the way they organized it.
  
• CanPlan Cancer Planner I bought the inserts for $18.95, but there’s a printable PDF option for $9.95. There was a lot of depressing information at the beginning of this pack which turned me off, but there’s a daily tracker section that is nicely organized & a positivity section that was cool to include.
  
  

2. Audio record your appointments! A lot of information can get tossed around when speaking with a doctor & you might find things going in one ear & out the other. Use a voice memo app just in case.
   
   
3. Get a therapist. I don’t know what kind of insurance you have, but ask if they will cover sessions. If not, ask if they know of any free options.
   
   
4. Find a local cancer resource center. The one I’ve been to offers support groups, social workers, reiki therapy, nutrition classes, art classes, wigs, books, etc... all FREE. Plus they can help you access other resources like financial assistance, rideshare programs, etc.
   
   
5. Find drivers. Who do you know that would be willing? There are also free ride services for cancer patients. Usually it’s for within a certain distance, but it’s better than nothing.
   
   
6. Meal prep. Make a few soups/stews/etc & freeze them for the days when you have zero energy to cook. We probably had 20 adult servings to start & it was a lifesaver. Ask someone to help you cook (or if they can do it) so you’ll never run out.
   
   
7. Stay hydrated. Drink a LOT of water all day long, especially on chemo days. It could help reduce symptoms from the meds. Find a pharmacy that sells Drip Drop & add a pack to your water on treatment/follow-up days.
   
   
8. Food. Tell your doctor you’d like to see a nutritionist. Avoid processed sugar as much as you can & try to incorporate the following: +cruciferous vegetables +dark purple food +orange food +zinc (?). I can’t remember that last one but I feel like it was zinc. Get the good stuff too, now’s your chance to hit up the farmer’s markets, etc. If you have a sweet tooth stock up on healthier alternatives. I found a company called ‘Modern Popsicle’ that has zero added sugar. They were the only ones in my store that actually were only made with “real fruit” as advertised.
   
   
9. Aim for ‘okay’ days. On occasion you’re going to feel pretty damn good & find yourself cleaning the whole house, chasing your kids around, meeting up with friends, or whatever. DON’T give in to this momentary burst of energy! It will absolutely kick you in the ass afterwards & it will take you so much longer to recover. It doesn’t mean you can’t do anything, just keep it reasonable. You don’t want low days or high days, you want ‘okay’ days.
   
   
10. Meditate. Mind over matter dude. I still struggle with this one, but I’ve seen it be really helpful in this situation. I recommend “Mindfulness” by Mark Williams & Danny Penman & “Search Inside Yourself” by Chade-Meng Tan.
    
    
11. Fuck cancer.
    
    
12. Fuck your husband’s shitty attitude.

A few books on personal relations don't hurt either. My younger self needed to stand up for herself more, and in better ways.

Edit: Several people are asking for recommendations. These are some I have found extremely helpful:

I have a few I really recommend:

Thanks for the Feedback is one of the best I have read that incorporates info I have heard from other books all in one place with practical examples. If I could give a copy of this book to every person on earth I would. (The same people wrote a book called Difficult Conversations, but I have yet to read that.)

Edit to add Consious Business. This is the one I meant to add as the second recommendation; it is mostly about working with others in business but really applies to working with anyone in all relationships.

Emotional Intelligence is another I recommend, giving guidance on how to understand emotions. (Read this, then go re-watch Inside Out.)

10% Happier is an exploration into meditation as a non-spiritual thing. See Dan's video.

59 Seconds is about little things we can do to make our lives better (all science study based).

And Stumbling on Happiness is about understanding our own motivations better (also research study based).

Some of these books are clearly about "self help" but understanding ourselves is a key to understanding our interactions with others. And I try to only recommend books that are based in science and research.

I also like Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, Incognito by David Eagleman, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam, Nudge by Richard Thaler, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahnerman. Oh, and anything by Malcom Gladwell; I may not always agree with him, but he is thought provoking and well researched. (I have an Audible account and have found that a good way to get through books while doing other things like exercise, long car trips, or cleaning the house.)

More Adds; Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely, The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, My Age of Anxiety by Scott Stossel, Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon, The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane, How We Learn by Benedict Carey, and I generally like anything by the Freakanomics guys.

Edit: And thank you kind stranger for the gold!

If anyone would like to make recommendations to me based on the above list, please do so! I always have a growing reading queue :-)

Aside from the suggestion to check for ADHD, you may also want to see if you are being hindered by perfectionism.

It sounds like you have an issue with procrastination. Is it just a lack of focus or is it because you psyche yourself out with your tasks?

I know quite a few people in your situation and I was one myself. We were called "gifted" or "talented" when young because we're able to coast through life at a young age. We then internalize those expectations and believe that because we're so smart (supposedly) that:

• Working hard tells people we're not as gifted as they think we are
  
• Everything we produce should be effortless and wow-worthy from the get go
  
• If we work hard and fail it means we're actually dumb and worthless (since so much of our self-image is based on other people's perception of our talent)
  
  These ultimately lead to procrastination. Any tasks that present mid-difficulty or above will seem overwhelming because it would mean we have to put in more to produce an exceptional result. We procrastinate because it seems like so much effort is needed that it's overwhelming.
  
  The longer you procrastinate on a task, the more difficult it will seem and the more you feel pressured to give an exceptional result to show people it's worth the wait. That adds pressure and stresses you out everytime you think about it so you procrastinate some more.
  
  Rinse and repeat. Now you are weeks behind a supposedly simple deliverable.
  
  If that is what's happening to you I would suggest the following:
  
  

1. Break tasks down into small manageable chunks that you can accomplish in 15 - 20 minutes (the Pomodoro technique)
   
2. Put your tasks down on a To-Do list so when you check things off you can give yourself a sense of accomplishment. I personally like Asana but any tool can do.
   
3. Learn to adopt the growth mindset (link goes to 10 min TED talk), which will help frame intelligence and success in a more positive way — you're always growing so failures don't define you— than what you've internalized until now
   
4. Use positive visualization (imagining your desired outcome vividly) to clarify goals, overcome stress and build confidence
   
   I also highly recommend the book
   Psycho-Cybernetics, which is about how visualization will aid your subconscious to solve problems for you, including any self-image or confidence issues. Its techniques will also help you figure out what you really want from life and yourself.
   
   With the above tools and resources, plus a lot of reading and self-reflection, I was able to fix most of my procrastination problems and become the most productive member on my team. I hope they work for you as well. Good luck.

1. The easiest way to to actually call your insurance provider and see if they can provide you with a list of clinicians whose services they pay for in your area. I'm biased, I guess, in telling people to look for a PhD-level licensed clinical psychologist if they can, but don't let that limit you if not available. I also recommend people use ABCT's therapist finder. There are a lot of dumb clinicians out there who don't follow our science. That's actually, I'm sorry to say this, most of them. ABCT is an organization of people committed to scientific practice, and generally the only one I'm ever able to really recommend.
   
   
2. Almost every college or university will have a counseling office, student mental health center, where a fair amount of sessions (sometimes but usually not completely unlimited) are available for free. Go there!
   
   
3. Most rural areas are much harder places to find treatment. Think of us as a specialty medical service: people around there probably have to drive more than a few minutes to find a cardiac electrophysiologist too, if they need one, right? Whichever way the biggest city is, the psychologists are going to be thataway.
   
   
4. Glad you don't feel out of control. If I can dole out some "advice," if not therapy, first, read my favorite book about thinking rationally, if you're interested. And second: do stuff! Out best treatments for depression often revolve around having people schedule activities. Basic explanation of the intervention here, middle-complexity self-help guide here, technical treatment manual here for the extremely curious. Put yourself on a schedule, make a checklist, experience the untold joy of checking things off of it! Extra points for physical activity, extra points for some fresh air and sunshine, extra points for anything social.
   
   This sounds trite, but I always tell people that, if people ate decent diets of relatively unprocessed food, went outside and ran a couple of times a week, and made efforts to stay connected with their social circle, we could obliterate 75% of all of our mental illness in a month. I hope the therapist-finding stuff helps, but as far as I-can't-give-you-therapy-but-I-can-mention-general-advice stuff over the internet, this is the best stuff I've got.
   
   Good luck!

> I am not sure how I can move past this.

Life doesn't give us a choice, neither does your SO. You're in a difficult situation as I was a year ago. After her infidelity and 2 marriage different marriage counselor, along with SO's month long depression, SO decided that marriage is not for her and started dating other men even before separation. What helped me was support from my family during this trying times. Talking helps. Exercise helps. Hanging out with friends helps too.

You simply move on in life with or without your SO. Seriously, bottled feelings doesn't matter much over time, whether you try to forgive or forget them. It feels like an itch you may scratch once a while but eventually it goes away with time. Not saying that you should keep your feelings bottled up, your SO should know how these affected you, your self-esteem, putting you through grief. End of day, some songs may never be sung again and these are the scars you have to live with.

Check out the "Feeling Good" by Dr David M Burns. It contains a number of techniques you can try. I read the entire book with hopes that it could help SO.

There is also "Mind over mood", has good reviews. Haven't read it yet, if you find this book useful, do share it here.

Currently reading Mark Manson's book. Quote: "In life, our f&cks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a f&ck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our f&cks. You only get a limited number of f&cks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care." Top seller in Amazon, #1 in a few categories too. Worth a try!

tldr; Care for yourself first. Look for support in books, friends & family. You're not alone here

Sidenote: The ironic beautiful thing about relationship is to be in love means to be vunerable also. Vulnerability is a necessary part of loving relationships. If you stop yourself from being vunerable, you'll also stop yourself from feeling love. The same doorway that makes you vulnerable is the same door loves walks through.

Edit: typo and grammar

> I'm miserable because my circumstances suck.

No, you are miserable because you tell yourself that your circumstances suck. A part of your brain attached a label to your circumstances (not as good as you would like) and then another part of your brain took that label and decided it was the sort of thing it ought to produce misery over.

There are essentially 2 possible paths for you to stop being miserable in such a situation:

1. Change your circumstances so that you no longer label them as sucky.
   
   
2. Stop labeling your present circumstances as sucky.
   
   (1) is probably possible, but if you set the bar at becoming a multimillionaire before you allow yourself to stop being miserable, I think you are in for a rough ride. The way your mind is presently, I think even if you made it to being a millionaire you would find new reasons why you ought to be miserable. Hence better option...
   
   Option (2) can be difficult until you realize that there is nothing objectively true about the suckiness of your circumstances. Sure, in some respects you may be worse off than some other people but that is actual true for everyone except maybe one person. Are we all supposed to be miserable unless we stand at the literal apex of our species? You are probably better off than most humans, you just chose to compare yourself against a highly unusual sample.
   
   I hope you can see there is a certain irrationality at the root of what you are currently feeling. Someone with positively oriented thinking might have come out of the meetup thinking "What great luck! I got to meet all these successful people and hangout in this awesome house!"
   
   I find negative emotions are much easier to deal with if you find they lack validity in any objective sense. The subjective labels are arbitrary, so the instrumentally rational thing is to choose different labels make you feel good (or at least, don't make you feel bad). Obviously your conscious mind doesn't have absolute control all the time, and this sort of thing takes practice, but if you push yourself in the direction of being positive, over time I think you will see significant benefits as the rest of your brain starts to get with the program.
   
   This isn't to say you shouldn't be trying to improve your circumstances. Personally I would recommend pursuing both options—try to improve your life both in external reality and at the same to create habits of positivity in your own mind. There is also a bit of synergy between the two—optimists tend to be more successful.
   
   Your life is good just as it is and nothing you say could possibly disprove that.
   
   
   (For further reading I recommend Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and the classic A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis.)

See my answer above, but also the book Real Happiness by Sharon Salzberg is a 28 day program that helps you develop a daily practice. Get the one that comes with a CD of guided meditations.

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aSa3AbYJA4GXQ

Also, I have found it incredibly helpful to join a weekly group, or sangha, which is the Buddhist term for community. Having a good teacher and a supportive group makes a big difference. There seems to be a little something extra when you practice with a group, you can get into a deeper state, quicker and stay longer. Maybe it’s just the shared intention of everyone showing up, wanting to experience freedom, that helps commitment. I dunno, I don’t believe in the airy-fairy stuff. But it helps.

Can I give you a little perspective from someone that has been down a similar road.

Unless you make peace with the worst parts of yourself and just accept that they exist, you are going to have a very hard time making positive progress.

All the things that you categorize as awful: "selfishness, greed, egotism, laziness, compulsive behavior, lying, cheating, manipulating " are things that actually serve an survival and evolutionary purpose.

Many of these things, for example, are rooted in trying to take care of yourself first and foremost and ensure that you come out on top. You mention being scared and a direct reaction to being scared is self-preservation.

If you are scared that people will not love you if they knew the "real" you, then you might lie and manipulate to make yourself look better than you feel on the inside. If you are scared of failure it might manifest itself as laziness because if you don't do anything, then you can't fail.

That shadow-self is part of you and without it, you will not be whole. You open with a bible verse and I don't know if you come from that world but one hard part of coming from Christian theology is the concept of the sinful nature and the war with it. It can promote a very dualistic mindset. The good you and the bad you and they are at odd with each other.

Let's go really base with it. If you are a straight male and you see a beautiful woman, your first impulse might be something lustful. Then "good you" chastises yourself and your depravity... but that impulse still continues.

The problem is everything in your being is wired to want to sleep with the hot woman you just saw. You aren't fighting against a sinful evil version of yourself, you are trying to deny things that are built into the most primitive parts of yourself!

The balanced version would be seeing the beautiful woman, recognizing that yes, you would love to sleep with her and then deciding what to do with that impulse. If your faith or beliefs or life situation do not allow it, then you make a choice to live according to those beliefs.

What you have now done is recognize the impulse, accepted it, you did not moralize it in either direction, and you made a choice of what to do with that impulse based on your values and choices for your life. You walk away just a normal person, feeling normal things, and making the decisions you want in life.

This is the healthy way to improve.

I am sure you can see how this applies in other situations as well!

All the things that are a part of you, the things you see as negative, depression, instability, are all things you can learn to accept and life with. I know this because I have lived this.

I spent a lot of time wishing I was just magically different. Guess what changed? Nothing. But while I wish I were wired differently and that, at my core, I didn't have such a capacity for being awful, I've made peace that those are the cards I was dealt and I can take control of my life from my impulses. I can make the right choices because I have already accepted the desire to make the wrong ones. I don't have to "react" when I've already thought it through.

Look into the concepts of Stoicism and you will find that there is a "negative" path to contentment in life and it comes from accepting things as they are instead of wasting the energy wishing it were different. A good starting point would be "The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking." This book serves as a good primer for some of the bigger concepts. I personally really enjoyed the audiobook if you are a listener and not a reader.

This isn't to say that you can't take Stoicism way too far and rob life of joy and happiness, but it is a good mental exercise in framing what is happening in your life as just being how it is. To tear away all things we build up to make things look better than they are so we don't have to face that reality.

But first and foremost, you, exactly as you are, do deserve love and acceptance from yourself and others. There are always ways to improve but you are not a broken thing. Give these two talks a listen by Brene Brown (The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame) to get some perspective.

The worst parts of yourself, as you see it, are just things that exist in most of us that you only need a little practice in redirecting. Think of a child.. they are selfish, little assholes whose world revolves around themselves... yet no one faults them because they have learned to exist beyond that mindset. Some of us take a little longer to get there but we all can. Accept your where you are, and start your journey.

• Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. Probably the best beginner's introduction to what mindfulness is, why it is important, and how to practice.
  
  
• [10 Percent Happier] (https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423) by Dan Harris. More of a memoir than a how-to guide (he also has a new how-to guide called Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics), but I personally loved this book for its honesty about what mindfulness can and cannot do for you. It's also hilarious and entertaining, so it's usually the number one place I recommend people start if they are at all interested in meditation.
  
  
• Waking Up by Sam Harris--Although not explicitly about mindfulness, some excellent, realistic background information on the practice and what to expect.
  
  
• Lots of other great books out there, but a lot of this comes down to personal preference: Jack Kornfield, Joseph Goldstein, Sharon Salzberg, Tara Brach, and Jon Kabat Zinn are all names to look into to see whose materials speak to you. Some of them put more emphasis on the Buddhist side, whereas the others are more science-based and interested in the mental health implications of the practice.
  

it's the question that drives us. (The Matrix) - What do you want to achieve with your post and your video's?
I partially agree with what you write but most of all fail to see the part in which you ask your question.

I get the impression that you are seeking and think that you might be interested in the book from Meng-tan (a google engineer). The title is search inside yourself. It's available on Amazon for as little as 13:59 (link) http://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116932

and also for free as a pdf from here:
http://www.randomhouse.de/content/edition/excerpts/346837.pdf

About the Author, he's a really cool guy from Singapore !
https://siyli.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/The-Sun-01-08-2012-p21-Search-Inside-Yourself.pdf

Some other sources.
Here is a far out book,
https://wahiduddin.net/thinketh/as_a_man_thinketh.pdf
You become what you think about most of the time.

Bob proctor:
I think that his model of the mind is really good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urun_rE79_Q
Book: You were born rich.

Richard Bandler:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExGTdhOueCg
Bob Proctor talks about programing the mind, Richard Bandler is the 1st man to study when your interested in that.
Book: frogs into princesses & how to make a great life.

Best of luck & let me know if you find this information usefull to you.

>The only reason to do a literal tiny house is to look cool doing it, and let everyone know this is a choice and you're not really a poor person as a trailer implies. They still care about what others think of them! They just pretend to be free from mindlessly following societal norms.

This is just an assumption on your part. Many people choose a minimalistic lifestyle not to go against the grain or virtue signal but to be live more conscientiously and simply. Go on and hate the eco-hipsters all you want but living space and limited real estate and soaring rent is going to be a huge problem in the future and many people are choosing to preempt this by rejecting the accoutrements of the American Dream (to wit: comfortable single family home with a lawn, white picket fence, and golden retriever) and choosing instead to live within or beneath their means.

I agree with the author that Kondo's success is partly due to her "Oriental allure" (really, what did you expect from the average consumer?), but that's such a superficial reading of the total scope of her success and message (not to mention, simple living is a universal growing trend). I would argue that Kondo in fact deserves a lot of credit for embodying a quirky telegenic personality (without it, no Netflix show) and coming up with a very clever, easy-to-remember heuristic to inspire and persuade the hard-sell of minimalism in the face of consumerism gone wild: "if it doesn't spark joy in your life, trash it".

That's great marketing, period.

>My wise maid will forgo soft talk of joy, and use instead a harder, plain-speaking language to assess all that stuff: does it still have use in it?

This is precisely why the author is a philosopher and not a best-selling author or beloved TV personality. It's also probably why they can't see past the absurdity of their own argument, especially reducing Kondo to a Mr. Miyagi stereotype.

It's interesting that you bring up Buddhism because the book I referenced is called "Why Buddhism is True" by Robert Wright.

So far in the first chapter he's talking about how evolution "designed" the brain in such a way to motivate us to get our genes into the next generation by finding ways to motivate us to do things toward that end. He talks about how we are programmed biologically to feel good when we do things that further procreation (when we eat, have sex, hunt) but also that this pleasure is brief so we keep pursuing these things instead of just basking in the glow of the good feels. In other words: We're biologically programmed to feel good, but only temporarily, when we eat good food but the pleasure is very brief so we keep looking for our next meal and we also derive more pleasure from anticipating the food than we do from actually eating it.

This locks us into this cycle of jumping from one pleasure to the next, never finding satisfaction. He then shows how this very principle is described in Buddhism's core teachings on the Four Noble Truths.

/u/jugglegod, are you female? I ask because female ADHD plays out a lot differently than what has been generally assumed/stigmatized as typical symptoms. Here is a helpful article discussing the gender bias in diagnosis & how many go undiagnosed under the radar-- like I had!

To answer your question, I am an ENFP with diagnosed female ADHD. This was a good read for me yesterday that /u/sonofkratos submitted to the subreddit-- its about ENFP but you will be able to draw some similarities between behavioral attributes in this article and attributes of female ADHD.

I wasn't formally diagnosed until 2011 (age 21), so I have only been on medication for it since then. It has been extremely helpful in addition to methods I use to approach my symptoms.

• I am somewhat glad that I did not take Adderall during my teenage years-- although I would have greatly benefited from it with regards to my academics, home relationships, goal setting, and depression; stimulants are pretty hard on the body, fuck with your sleep/eating habits, and can be easily abused. As an adult I am able to distinguish my personal limits and truly use it for my disorder, and not just heavy studying/partying :)
  
  
• I'll add that if my child were to have it too, I would focus on more cognitive therapy in place of initial medicating during their developmental years. (my opinion) Not only to encourage healthy coping mechanisms, but there are none, if any then not enough, long-term studies that have been released about ADHD medication (stimulants) and the effect on the developing brain/body.
  
  A really important point I want to make clear is that in NO way did a diagnosis give me an excuse to use in my interactions with others for the way I am. It empowered me to approach my behavior (INTERrpersonal reactionary & INTRApersonal empathy) with cautionary methods to keep me on track.
  
  The diagnosis helped me understand WHY I was frustrated/depressed--
  
  
• I wasn't reaching the goals/expectations in work/school/extracurricular that I had all intention and motivation to complete because of my inability to focus and stay on track.
  
  
• I was negligent in my friendships with others (has to do with ENFP qualities too) because it was hard to organize myself in a way that kept my committed plans and maintained reciprocal contact
  
  
• I learned to map out micro-goal setting on a structured timeline, and to be forgiving with myself if I still didn't reach it-- more focus on staying on the track, not as much on hitting benchmarks
  
  
• A lot of post-it notes, scheduling reminders (Apple iOS Reminders app is super annoying, but annoying in a way that is effective for me-- features that remind you of certain things when you arrive at certain destinations)
  
  TL;DR I guess my coping methods are ways of constantly nagging myself-- but my biggest gain has been in developing personal empathy and emotional intelligence. As an ENFP, we're highly emotional/passionate, overthink things, and have trouble with relationships by reacting poorly to those that are close to us when we hold them to our often high (and perhaps unrealistic) expectations.
  
  These two books (here) and (here) have recently helped me a lot in the areas where my ADHD and ENFP collide.
  
  Good luck and sorry for the lengthy post!
  

Totally agree with what /u/chace_thibodeaux and /u/invisiblegiant1 wrote below.

From what you've described, you're not really in a good place to be dating, and let's be honest, when you try, you're not really putting your best foot forward.

To me, the single most critical issue for you to address is making sure your anxiety/depression/bpd are being treated effectively. That HAS to be your first priority, because those things are going to WRECK all of your attempts to date and/or change your life for the better if they are not being treated, and effectively.

If you can get to a place where you feel like those things are under control, then I think the next thing to focus on is your living situation. In most cases, living forever with your parents with no job isn't a valid long-term strategy. So, you need to figure out some kind of a career. You don't necessarily need a college degree (there are plenty of trades that don't require a degree and pay very handsomely) but you DO need to figure out a path and get on it. Ultimately you want to get to a point where you can move out and support yourself consistently.

As for the hair, if you have any female friends, ask their advice. Should you just shave it? Is there a particular style that would suit you? If you don't have female friends, then the next time you need a hair cut, go to a stylist if you can. Not a barber, a female stylist, like where women would go to get their hair done. And ask THAT person for advice.

Regarding the weight, as invisiblegiant mentioned, you can start small. At the end of the day, losing weight is a fairly simple concept. If your calories eaten minus your calories burned is over a certain number, you gain weight. If it's under, you lose weight. So if you want to lose weight, you either have to eat fewer calories, or exercise more, or both. A great place to start is walking for 15 minutes a day, and use an app like MyFitnessPal to track what you eat. I'm not even saying change anything yet. Just start tracking using that, and you'll quickly get a better understanding of how many calories you are consuming and burning. That can be REALLY eye opening.

But again, your anxiety/depression/bpd will easily derail ANY of those things if they're not being treated effectively, so to me, everything starts there.

You might also want to check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901
Quick read, good stuff about being kind to yourself.

Good luck man, you've got this!

I love this book for understanding the physical practice
http://www.amazon.com/The-Key-Poses-Yoga-Scientific/dp/1607432390/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1396563465&sr=8-2&keywords=yoga+pose+books

For the ethical/discipline base of yoga, this is a short, easy, and really helpful read. Non-harming, non-clinging, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/Yamas-Niyamas-Exploring-Ethical-Practice/dp/0974470643/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396563657&sr=1-1&keywords=the+yamas+and+niyamas+by+deborah+adele

For the pure philosophy, I'm a fan of this book on Tantra(where yoga came from). It's overwhelming the first time through, but there is so much powerful knowledge locked up in here
http://www.amazon.com/Tantra-Illuminated-Philosophy-Practice-Tradition/dp/0989761304

This is a great book on mindfullness with some applicable meditation techniques framed for the modern day, but it's all based on ancient teachings

http://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116924/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396563508&sr=8-1&keywords=search+inside+yourself

Also, the Chakra system is fascinating and Anodea Judith offers some guided meditations. This book is really helpful and accessible

http://www.amazon.com/Wheels-Life-Chakra-System-Llewellyns/dp/0875423205

And, diet. This book helped me shift my diet in a way that's been extremely helpful
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Taste-Heal-Ayurvedic-Cookbook-Modern-Living/dp/0976917009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396563932&sr=1-1&keywords=eat+taste+heal

These have been some of the most influential books in my practice. Hope they help!

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You might want to check out the sidebar of /r/meditation for resources. The content in the sub itself these days is a little fluffy... I will plug Real Happiness ( https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/) because I like the author's take on things.

Anyway, you are basically doing it "right." The two ways of thinking about it that help me are:

• Have you ever had the experience of reading a book and then you have the realization that you have no idea what you just read for the last few seconds? It's that realization that you are trying to experience when meditating. You focus on your breathing, maybe saying (in your head) "in" on the inhale and "out" on the exhale. As you do that thoughts come up and you get caught up in them. Eventually you have that realization "oh shit, I'm supposed to be focusing my breathing, but I'm thinking instead." So without judgement you go back to focusing on your breathing. What I try to do is to have that realization more often. To catch myself when my focus has been pulled away by thoughts. Maybe I'll label the thought ("thinking about politics" or just "thinking"). If the same stuff keeps coming I'll say in my head "I invite these thoughts to leave." Then I will try going back to my breath.
  
  
• An analogy: imagine you are sitting on the bank of a river with a noticeable current. You focus on the river. You watch it for a while. Then a leaf comes down the river. It fell in someplace outside of your vision. You watch it until it leaves your vision. Now, you go back to focusing on the river. So you want to focus on the river, but pretty often these leaves come into your view and it is your natural tendency to watch them. What you want to do is realize you are watching the leaf instead of the river and go back to watching the river whenever it is you realize that has happened.
  
  This catching yourself thing ends up improving just like a muscle. The more regularly you do it, the quicker and more easily happens. When you miss sessions of practice it becomes more difficult.
  
  When I have been consistently meditating daily I function much better. Because I am much quicker at noticing when I have become distracted or when I have spent too much time on reddit, etc. It also helps me to get a better understanding of the fact that sometimes I have negative thoughts, but they are just thoughts I am having. They aren't me. They are a tempting acting troupe that pulls me into a role, but I am just an actor, I am not that role.
  
  Also: any amount of time spent meditating daily is better than none. It's the consistency that is important, at least early on, as opposed to the length.
  
  Hope that helps.

I love The Little Book of Hygge - it's a fun read!

You might also like The Cozy Life. It is very similar.

I also enjoyed The Nordic Theory of Everything. It's not about hygge particularly. It's more about relationships and Danish culture/lifestyles, but it's a nice read.

And this might be an odd recommendation, but I love to read children's books like [The Christmas Wish] (https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Wish-Lori-Evert/dp/0449816818), The Polar Express, and The Snowman - and not just at Christmastime! They're a great way to spend 15 minutes relaxing by the window on a cool, rainy evening.

Happy reading!

Well, I have been in this situation for decades, but I've been paying attention to the problem and finally I feel like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

​

There is a theory called "The Rider, the Elephant and the Path". you can watch a video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9KP8uiGZTs.

​

I would make a slighty change to that theory. I would not name it "The Rider, the Elephant and the Path", but "The Rider, the Elephant and the Destination". For me, being aware of the destination is more important that making the path easier. According to the Stoic philosophers, you cannot change what is outside of you, but only what is inside. Thus, you cannot change the path, but you can change the picture in your mind of your destination. What I am learning is that having a picture in your mind of your destination is very important. Is your goal.

​

My recomendations to read:

• The Parkinsowns law. It is about how we manage time.
  
• The Will to Die (Dorothea Brande's book: "Wake up and Live") find it in Amazon.
  
• The Strangest Sectret, by Earl Nightingale (do not confuse it with "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne)
  
• As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
  
• Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
  
• If How-To's Were Enough We Would All be Skinny, Rich and Happy by Brian Klemmer
  
• Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
  
  (I am not receiving any commision from amazon or anyone by recomending this resources)
  
  ​
  
  I am sharing with you all the resources I am using. You have to be realistic and understand that It will take some time for you to change your ways. For me its been around three or four years, but it does not have to be the same for you.
  
  ​
  
  When I read a book I do not finish it and begin to read my next book. No, I don't do that. I jump to other books and come back and learn. My goal is not to win a trophy for reading a lot of books, but to understand how they are linked to each other. To illustrate this, watch this video from Tai Lopez recorded way before he was famous. I've read and listened to the audio version of "The Strangest Secret" multiple times, more than 20. I still turn my car stereo and listen to the audio version from Amazon during my commute. It is a small but very powerful teaching.
  
  ​
  
  I recomend for you to begin with "The Stranget Secret" and stick with it for a few months. It is not about you noding and then go and read your next book. In the book "As a man Thinketh" there is a powerful line: You have to learn how to "watch, control, and alter your thoughts." If you can do that, you are in the next level.
  
  ​
  
  Use a journal, and try to write anything you learn and the connections you made with the material you read.
  
  ​
  
  After "The Strangest Secret" I read "Wake up and Live". In the meanwhile I was also reading "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". It is very intersting how you can read along two or three books and link the ideas together. The book "If How-To's Were Enough" is very powerful too. It will show you the real reason behind why you do not finish your work.
  
  ​
  
  I hope you take at least a month to read and follow what is in this entry in Reddit. It took me three or four years to digest those books and videos. Please do not watch one after another. Take your time to reflect and make notes in your journal. Write and make drawings of all your thoughts. You will need them later, when trying to make conections between recources.
  
  ​
  
  I leave you with one of my favorite videos on the subject, Think BIG.
  
  ​
  
  Cheers!
  
  ​
  
  ​

Others have mentioned Thich Quang Duc, but I figured I'd give a recounting of one of the most famous self-immolations in recent history.

In South Vietnam, the US backed government lead by Ngo Dinh Diem started to institute a number of rules to prevent Buddhists from practicing and expressing their faith. He and some of his friends pulled up to a busy intersection, set down a cushion, sat on it and was doused in gasoline. He said:

"Before closing my eyes and moving toward the vision of the Buddha, I respectfully plead to President Ngo Dinh Diem to take a mind of compassion toward the people of the nation and implement religious equality to maintain the strength of the homeland eternally. I call the venerables, reverends, members of the sangha and the lay Buddhists to organize in solidary to make sacrifices to protect Buddhism."

He then lit a match and immolated himself. (Fair warning, this is the picture!) It was said by reporters that "As he burned he never moved a muscle, never uttered a sound, his outward composure in sharp contrast to the wailing people around him."

Interestingly, it seemed like the pain had no real hold over him or his actions. What it did do was shock the rest of the world. John F. Kennedy remarked on the image, put pressure on South Vietnam, and before the end of the year the immolation occurred, Diem was deposed.

As for the pain side of it, an interesting thing can happen for those who meditate and train their minds: Pain can be dampened by a great degree. A book I have been reading recently talked about this. The author had a friend who wanted to test the extents of the dampening of pain while holding himself in a meditative state. So this friend had a cavity filling procedure done with no anesthetic. It is described that the pain was there, but it wasn't painful. It was like recognizing without reacting, and in doing so, the pain didn't "hurt" in the same way it would if one identified with it. The person judged afterward that the feeling of it was still better than being stuck with anesthetic in his face for the few hours following. It's a good book, I recommending giving it a read: Why Buddhism is True by Robert Wright (also the author of The Moral Animal, might have heard of that). He talks about how this stuff works in terms of evolutionary psychology. It's pretty neat.

Currently dealing with this as well, even down to the frank discussion of, "this will end at some point."

I have no advice, but am hoping to read some of the advice given to you in hopes it'll help me. Hang in there miss.

​

I have a feeling though that we're just bound to have our hearts broken dangit! My therapist suggest this book to possibly help with anxiety: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1611801575/ Working through it now.

Update: had a discussion this morning about this and that and she kinda ended it with, I’m not sure why we need to keep saying there will be an end. Why? We’re enjoying this and I’m enjoying you, I don’t see any reason to end a good thing. So, that’s kinda neat I guess. :)

Month six of RP. My last OYS was a few weeks ago.

Owning:

• Health: I've dropped 15 pounds, nearly all bodyfat, in the last few months, while seeing steady strength gainz. Muscular vascularity has returned. Abs.
  
• Appearance: maintaining. Look good. Getting very positive feedback from folks I haven't seen in a while, IOIs from randoms. Feels great.
  
• Work: maintaining. Killing it.
  
• Sex: initiating more, some progress. Breakthrough incident the other night.
  
• Mood: Began vitamin-D and ZMA supplements. Seems to buoy my mood in these dark, cold months.
  
• Reading: recently started Athol Kay's Mindful Attraction Plan. Good stuff in there.
  
  Not Owning:
  
  
• Wife still has a hard time accepting my leadership.
  
  Wife and I had a big, blow-up fight over the weekend. She's upset that I blame her for everything that's wrong in our marriage. Claims that I don't care about her sexual satisfaction anymore. These are both untrue, and I maintained a good frame in this fight, which I attribute partly to the confidence that RP has helped me build: (1) I'm not afraid of her feelings anymore, and (2) I know I'm in the right. I calmly explained my position, both that night and the next day, when heads were clearer and we'd had sleep, and she eventually came back into my frame. Had great sex that evening.
  
  MRP likes to crap on improving communication in the marriage as a blue/purple-pill thing. I disagree. IMO, it's easy for "communication" to stand in for "let her feelz dictate everything," which is obviously bad, or for comms to overshadow many of the other important means of leadership in the marriage. But once you realize that not all feelings are valid, especially from women, it's easier to ignore the ones you can and help align the others with your leadership. I have to understand where my First Mate is emotionally, and ensure that she feels comfortable talking to me. This makes it a lot easier for me to take us where I want us to go.

Write a story about who you are now and who you will be in five years. Then send it to me. Eckhart Tolle slept on park benches for two years and said he was in a state of "ecstasy." Hugh Heffner changed the way we think about sex (think about it...he did. If you are female, he made it easier for you to be sexual, because he made men comfortable with their sexual urges. If you think that sex is gross and is the source of societal ills, you are right...but that ain't Heffner's fault). Anyway, the actual founder of the Playboy empire is reviled by a lot of the world's population. You think he's happy.
Calling something "nonsense" is just a judgment. How familiar are you with Buddhism. This. If you have a smartphone, you can get the audiobook version of this book for free by downloading an ap called "Hoopla."
I have a friend who lives in your city. He told me that you are welcome to hang out with him. Actually, this was his reply. Let me know if you want his contact info.
I'd love to listen to your music. I'd love it more if you'd stop neing so hard on yourself. Obviously, I would like you to consider the options I gave you here. That's what I do...and, yes, I know it's overbearing. My wife calls it "giving people homework." If you decide not to do the things I have siggested, please remind yourself that my plans for you are unrealistic. It's fine if you don't want to read something you probably don't, and meeting strangers is scary (but this guy is a good friend of mine and I can vouch for him). One day you will decide to be happy. Until then, please don't get down on yourself for behaving in ways that might seem dysfunctional, but are completely normal.
Please add me as a friend on your homepage. I'd like to hear about your progress, even if it's just setbacks in the near and present future.

First of all I totally get how you feel. I felt the same way about my parents, it is all comming rushing back now, and I'm 63.

I did not renounce the JW's until my 30's and I didn't have autism. I find it interesting that my experience was so similar to yours even though the two big things that are damaging your relationship with your parents were not in play with me.

It leads one to believe that the problem is much deeper than JW's or autism.

Some people can't dance, some can't play the guitar. Some people are just not good parents.

I do have some tricks for you that maybe will let you have a more pleasant few months until you can leave.

1. Read the information on this site http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/. You will need the tools to help you deal with difficult situations.
   
   
2. Change your expectations. Your parents are not going to be nurturing and loving. You deserve it of course but it is not likely to happen. Do you know what happens when you try to teach a pig to sing? You will not be successful, pigs can't sing, and in trying you will probably annoy the pig.
   
   
3. Become an anthropologist and watch and learn from your interaction with the natives. Put yourself in the mind of your parents and try to figure out what is really going on with them. If they are terrified that their son is going to die at Armageddon as an atheist reassure them that you have a good heart and that Jehovah can read hearts and we are not saved by works anyway and if their is a god you have a pretty good chance of making the cut. The autism might help you here. God might give you an autism pass.
   
   
4. Never, ever engage. Never yell, cry etc. You are a professional observing the behavior.
   
   
5. Keep a journal of what you learn. You are not trying to change anyone except yourself. You are just trying to understand.
   
   
6. Experiment with different behavior patterns. If they scream about the last dish look at them with complete composure and take care of it and offer to mop the floor. What will they do if you change how you respond. Be aware they may respond better or worse, I don't know but be sure to write it down.
   
   
7. Learn how to meditate. http://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works-A/dp/0062265423. You will need it.
   
   
   In short the skill you need to acquire is to have complete control over your own emotions. If you are under 25 that will be particularly hard as your brain is not fully developed yet. But you can make progress. It is a lot of fun to develop this skill, it is like a super power.
   
   Here is another mental exercise that might help. Lets say a close family member had nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized in an mental institution. Sometimes when you visited she would be nice other times she would froth at the mouth and scream the vilest vulgarities at you and try to kill you and the guys in the white coats would have to restrain her. What would you do? How would feel about it. Would you take it personally and scream back and have it ruin your day. Of course not, she is sick, under care and not herself.
   
   When you think about it the whole world is one big insane institution. Your parents, the people at the KH they are all at different levels of nuts. You and me too. You have make big progress lately but probably have a way to go. So stop fighting and trying to make other people behave the way you want them to. Work on your behavior, it is the one thing you have some control over though even that not 100%.
   
   I feel for you bro. it has been almost 50 years and I can still remember the hate.
   
   PS:
   They are still alive and still suck at being parents. I called my dad a couple weeks ago and told him he had a new great, grand son. His comment:
   "Well that is a big deal for you but it doesn't affect us much". I asked him if he wanted some pictures. He said: "I don't do computers and I would want to bother anyone at the hall but if you want to print a couple out it is up to you."
   
   So little dude, I'm not saying your parents are a bad as mine but remember the story about the pig.
   
   You are smart and focused and are going to have a wonderful life.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Same boat here. Well, not same. Similar. I think everyone has "custom pain". You can "relate", but you can never really know what that person is going through.

I'm suicidal as well, but somewhere along the lines, I used to cry and get upset about it, but now I don't even flinch when it crosses my mind.

Have you tried therapy? Medications? For me, these never worked. For years I tried. But I think that isn't the case for most people. I understand the idea behind it all. I've had better results being on track with the gym, and eating right. Have you tried that?

I'm still struggling. I read a lot of self help books. One book I've recommended to a dozen people, and have even bought copies for people on hard times would be https://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness-10th-Anniversary-Handbook/dp/1594488894/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485693756&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+happiness It's not really buddhist preachy. It's been a long time since I've read it. I need to go back and re-read it, I think. All I truly remember from this book is that I walked away with a smile on my face, when I finished reading it. And a smile in my life is a very rare thing. I haven't read that book since it came out, but I still remember how good I felt after I finished it. So I recommend that.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a religious person, and that isn't a religious book. It's co-written by a shrink, and it's written for "everybody", not just buddhists.

Other then that... Spend some time online looking up funny clips. You may not have my sense of humor, but here are a couple I like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8VrxPrkkiA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vROdVsU_K80, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enOHraf3LEk,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gabzGnu6w9A

Keep in mind, some of those are nsfw.

Good luck to you. I hope this helped.

On finances:

First of all, it's a common misconception that income is ever stable, because it never is! I may only be a few years older than yourself, but from the perspective of someone who has always held full-time positions, I've been laid-off twice and have worked 5 jobs and 2 small freelance gigs (software/web developer). I'm about to start a new job tomorrow actually! My dream is to become a full-fledged freelancer so I can have the freedom to choose what to work on, when and where. It's a lot of self-management, takes a lot of time to establish relationships and build clientele but for me, I'd rather deal with that extra overhead than work for someone else who has authority over me and tells me what to do. I used to be more passionate and in love with my career, but my increasing nihilistic perspective and working for a terrible boss had changed my view on this. Especially in my industry, a lot of the app development and whatnot can really start feeling pointless and un-impactful so I'd rather do something that I'm content with. Anyway, as long as you have your financials in order (you make more than you spend, build an emergency fund of at least 3-6 months living, invest the rest in an IRA if possible, etc), I think you have an incredible opportunity that I personally would not pass up!

Also, I know this goes without saying, but try to pay off that loan as quickly as possible!

On wellness:

I think I've always been dealing with some form of depression too--some months its worse and some better. Over the years I've spent a lot of time studying philosophy (mostly Stoicism), positive psychology, and buddhism in the form of reading books, joining/participating in subs, reading studies, and meditation/contemplation. I'm not discrediting therapy or psychiatry but for me personally, I don't feel advice, even professional advice, can bring me inner peace (as you might notice, I have a problem with authority :P). I've also read accounts of a lot of people dealing with depression who had found that Buddhist teachings had helped them (for me, it's Stoicism) so maybe it could help you too. I recommend Art of Happiness, as it is a synthesis between Buddhist teaching and western psychiatry that is very relatable. I often find myself referring to it when my depression gets particularly savage.


From my perspective, you really have a lot going for you so if there's any advice to give in light of living simply, it's to keep doing what you're doing. If you think your life is pretty great as you say, there's no need to change it. Simply appreciate it!

I don't know of any UU-specific books, but in the spirit of UU, maybe it's better to offer a variety of perspectives?

• Great Adaptations is a colorful and fun book about evolution and natural selection.
  
• Stories of the Prophets in the Holy Qu’ran is a colorful and fun introduction to the Muslim perspective on familiar (and unfamiliar) stories.
  
• Sitting Still Like a Frog is a child friendly introduction to mindfulness and meditation
  
• What Do You Believe and The Kids Book of World Religions also seem like they might be helpful

I would one up the practice in mindfulness. I don't think the thoughts will ever go away, in my experience it's just a fact of repositioning who is running the show...is it my thoughts or is it me.

Being mindful flips the switch for me, puts me in a state of accepting the reality of what is going through my mind...choosing to let it be but not let it control my direction.

Fear can be a good thing, it's all how it is perceived. I use it to drive and fuel my efforts towards the goals and aspirations I have as a husband, father, and businessman.

Yes, like the squeaky cog, they can't get loud, but that's when I start doubling down on being mindful, staying in the moment, and practicing discipline.

If it helps, here are a few good resources I have personally used in an effort to better myself in the ongoing power struggle happening in the 'ol brainskies:

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story - https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431

Calm: Meditate & relax with guided mindfulness meditation for stress reduction - https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/calm-meditate-relax-guided/id571800810?mt=8

I hope that helps!

So, I looked over your posting history before making this list. It seems like you have a confident head on your shoulders and understand women reasonably well.

1. You do mention masturbating to porn 3-4 times a day, which is on the high side. I don't have any particular resources for that, and you said you didn't see it as a problem or affecting you at the moment. In a relationship, I've found that high masturbation levels means that I'm not romancing my wife, and am less affectionate. This causes relationship stress. It also affects how much I enjoy sex, so if I masturbate less I enjoy sex more. For me porn is also an emotional crutch - because the pron mimics feelings of extreme sexual success, so there's often an emotional need that is being met (not just horniness) that you're fulfilling with porn. Some deep personal introspection and self reflection can help identify what is really going on inside of you. Just a thought. ;)
   
2. What women want when they test men by Bruce Bryans. Hands down one of the best resource for identifying women's various tests, whether you're just dating or in a long term relationship.
   
3. Sex God Method by Daniel Rose. Hands down the most useful book on sex ever. Reading it instills a cockiness in me that can't be matched by anything else... And drives my wife completely nuts in bed.
   
4. Athol Kay's various resources. I like this six part video series where he breaks down 6 aspects of relationship.
   
5. No More Mr. Nice Guy. I thought I didn't need this book and that I was doing well, and then I read it.
   
6. Emotional Intelligence. Goleman is the seminal guy on this, and there are many other good books.
   
7. Management Courses. No joke. I went through a simple cert via my local CC and it blew my mind.
   
8. Charisma Courses. I've attached the link to the program I've tried, it worked pretty well, but a bit pricey. they have a good youtube channel... But the program actually forces you to practice the lessons so it's a lot more useful.
   
   Whatever catches your interest. :D

I'm also a writer with a mild speech impediment. Same kind of thing. Funny coincidence! The difference between you and I though is that my voice is quite deep; even as far back as the third grade, people were remarking about my deep voice, I remember.

I started stuttering around the time I began puberty. That lasted a long time. I've also had trouble with mumbling and slurring my words. I also had a knack for being "the quiet guy". These are all issues I've dealt with since childhood. I've mostly overcome it by:

• Speaking deliberately. Think about what you want to say, take your time. Imagine you're in a movie and act a little if you have to, fake it until you make it (I find movies to be inspiring, but that's just me). There's no rush.
  
  
• Speaking confidently. This is easier said than done, ironically. Confidence has something to do with it. For me, I started with thinking of myself as an honest person. "I'm an honest person", I told myself, "I tell it like it is". Once I'd begun thinking of my self-image as an honest person, I started speaking my mind more often, and I was no longer the guy who either doesn't speak or can't speak! Just don't overdue it, use moderation, nobody likes a blunt asshat. Self-image goes a long, long way.
  
  
• Practicing talking. I know it's stupid. I know. But really, practice talking. Talk to the dog if you have to, let your neighbors think you're crazy, doesn't matter. Speculate about future conversations when you're alone in your car, what you'd say in a specific argument, narrate your thoughts, whatever. I find that I enjoy talking about things I'm passionate about, like movies and video games, so I like to pretend as though I'm explaining a game I love to someone who hasn't played it.
  
  

It wouldn't do any harm to read, many people have found it helpful. Just don't get involved with him or the community, it's rage porn escapism that'll leave you mentally worse off. Just look at how awful the posts in his subreddit are - leftists are just as miserable, but generally more out of despair and empathy than rage. (There are many exceptions, I know, I've been one more than a few times.)

A friend recommended this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Make-Your-Bed-Little-Things/dp/1455570249. Probably gets the same point across but in half the pages.

The only one I've found helpful is The Antidote. The author's accent is pleasant, it's a good audiobook to walk around with if it hasn't yet gotten too cold where you are. Or just to play mindless video games like Diablo or Katamari Damacy with. Here's a 30min talk he did, worth giving a shot if stoicism has ever resonated with you.

And I might as well throw this talk out as well. Not necessarily productive, but it was very comforting and validating for me after having been long burnt out on Alan Watts platitudes.

But back to jbp - again, the book resonates with a lot of people (I think he functions as a stand-in father figure for many), I'm sure you can pick out what's helpful and leave the rest if you want. His cultural criticism is laser-focused on diversity and his fan base is continually upset, though, so I think there are more constructive writers out there.

This is getting way too long, sorry, but adding one more link: for anyone who feels they might be in an upswing right now and receptive to "you should try harder" advice, I enjoyed this blog post.

So, where to find a husband....

Make yourself a list of all the traits you'd like your ideal husband to have. Done? Good.

Step one: Take a good look at that list. Really look at it. What kind of wife do you think a man like that would like to have?

Step two: Become that woman. In other words, MAP. This book will help. Become the best version of you that you can be.

Step three: Hang out in places you'd like your future husband to hang out. The grocery store, libraries, museums, the gym, farmer's markets and such tend to be good places to start.

Step four: Make eyes at your future husband. If he's Alpha, he'll take care of the rest.

The Five-Minute Mindfulness Journal by Noah Rasheta (host of the Secular Buddhism podcast, which I also highly recommend) has been super helpful to me in building my mindfulness and helping me become more in touch with myself. This is probably the most relevant recommendation I have for your specific situation.

Why Buddhism is True by Robert Wright covers the psychology and science relating to Buddhism and meditation, and at least for me it really helps to know the science behind things. So maybe that would help you too.

And of course meditating also helps restructure your thought processes. I would specifically recommend mindfulness meditation to help you better understand yourself and loving-kindness (metta) meditation to help you find compassion for yourself and others.

To better understand meditation, I highly recommend The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman. I have bought this book over 25 times to give to friends/family who are in difficult places in life. Only 1 or 2 have read it fully, but each of them said it's had a significant positive impact on their lives; I consider that a win if I can help even a small number of people.

I used to think meditation was "woowoo" (one of my new favorite terms, thanks Brady), but this book approaches it as more of a mental exercise for dealing with stress, anxiety, and even depression. Like any practice, there are a lot of know-it-alls and gatekeepers. Anecdotally, daily meditation has drastically improved my outlook on life.

Protip: Get the free app, Insight Timer. It has guided meditations that can help you start. I dislike that so many apps charge to teach something so inherently "free".

I wish I had read this book and implemented it proactively as it should be instead of reactively how it's almost always done. This should be required reading for all men In a ltr or marriage.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

You have to maintain your spouse's attraction to you. Your wifes attraction to you is an organic thing, it can become injured, broken or even dead.

And ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That book was written for men only but athol Kay has had so many woman flock to his blog he had to shut his forum down. He wrote an updated version that's more accessible to both genders. I recommend the fist book but I'll drop this one here for other guys if they want more information.

https://www.amazon.ca/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

First habit of a highly effective person:

BE PROACTIVE!

Don't allow your wife to lose her attraction for you.

Also, drop the idea of dysney love. Admiration and respect, that's the Stanley Cup of marriage. Also, unsolicited blowjobs.

And if what /u/uncommon_sense_123 says is true, you need to fix your head before getting married because getting mareid won't fix your head.

Well I think this may possibly be more complex than Feeling Good as I think Feeling Good is really palatable. I think the Feeling Good Handbook is better to keep and look up tidbits from the table of contents.

But my one suggestion is "A Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis. This is REBT which is like the progenitor of CBT.

It basically hammers home one concept, one exercise, and that's ABC(DE).

• A = Activating Event
  
• B = Beliefs (both rational and irrational)
  
• C = Consequences
  
• D = Disputing
  
• E = More Effective ways to think, feel and behave.
  
  In this book many of the chapters and concepts are taught through a conversation between client and therapist.
  
  It's simpler as it focuses on one thing, ABCDE. However, goes deeper because of the narrowed scope.
  
  It's pretty logical, clean, and elegant system. Though, seems quite opposite from ‘Your Erroneous Zones’ from what I see from the pages on Amazon, more rigid.
  
  Check out the table of contents and pages I've linked from Amazon and see if you're interested.
  

Activity level is one of the most basic pieces of temperament and is pretty solidly baked into most kids' cakes.

The skill he needs most is the ability to be still and quiet. You can teach him what "still and quiet" looks like by playing little games around it. "Your hands are quiet and your feet are quiet and your body is quiet and your mouth is quiet. You are being calm!" Etc.

Recommend daily practice around even a few seconds of being still. Paying attention to things. Noticing what something is like, in detail. When he is a bit older, start looking for little daily mindfulness stuff. He is a bit small for these now but take a look.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1937661571/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1611800587/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626252904/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://smilingmind.com.au/

It can get easier, over time, but it's best to be thoughtful and intervene early if he does have behavior problems. (Right now it doesn't sound like he's doing anything out of the ordinary for his age and stage.) You would want to look into good solid behavioral parent training programs like Boys Town's Common Sense Parenting classes or ones like it.

I haven't read this one yet but its on my list.

The Conscious Caregiver: A Mindful Approach to Caring for Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MUEYL0T/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_PanwCbH3G8MS5

While its not about caregiving, I would also recommend

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005BRS8Z6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_8bnwCbV5WCPZM

As someone who also struggles with self confidence and worth, I feel like it's important to say that regardless of whether or not you ever stream, you have to try and face these issues.
It's not healthy to be so critical of yourself all the time. It's not fair to yourself and you're only getting in the way of your own happiness an success.

I've only just started streaming and trust me, it hasn't been easy! I got my setup together a good while before I actually launched for the first time. I would make the same excuses as you - too ugly, too weird, too bad, whatever.
Until you work on it, you will never feel good enough. You will never think that you're ready.

Thankfully I had my husband convince me to do it on impulse one night and honestly, it was a huge relief. Even just getting that first stream under my belt, I felt infinitely more okay with the situation.
In the few times that I've streamed, people have been incredibly kind and supportive. Plus it's been a lot of fun! No one has noticed any of the negative things that I constantly pick out about myself. You have to stop overthinking it. As they say, we are our own worst critics. And if someone doesn't like you, so what? There will be plenty of other people that will.

Here's the thing, everyone has their moments of self doubt, but you can't let it consume you. Try and make a conscious effort to stop being so negative towards yourself. That doesn't mean you have to give yourself compliments all the time, because that may feel disingenuous. But instead, just try to halt the insults when you can.

If you have the time, I really recommend the book There is Nothing Wrong with You. It's like $9 on Amazon and it helped me a lot.
I still have a lot of issues, but I'm working on it. And if you ever wanna talk about this stuff, I'd be happy to listen.

Good luck!

After using the Headspace app for 10 days, you will be prompted to purchase to continue using it and unlock everything. You can buy month to month, for a year, etc.

Last year, I bought a year and did use it all year, but this year I won't renew it. Andy is great about explaining things and it is pretty cool, but I'm going to transition to something else like the Insight Timer.

There is also a Headspace book that you could buy pretty cheaply or borrow from the library if you want to learn more about his process. I also enjoyed the book 10% Happier.

We go through the same thing. I worry that I have a deadly disease all. the. time.

But recently I've found meditation/mindfulness and allowing myself to allow the thoughts to exist without feeding them helps. Its not fool-proof (yet) but its helping a little.

Don't wish cancer on yourself.

Also, enjoy the fact that magical thinking doesn't actually affect the outside world. You can do 1,000,000 compulsions to turn a pink rose blue, but it will still be pink.

I know I haven't quiet figured out how to safely ignore all of my thoughts, but I'm getting there. I'm certainly better than when I was a kid.

Check this book out for some great tips: https://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510090361&sr=8-1&keywords=chade+meng+tan

It gets better.

Break a leg!

I'm unfamiliar with Schopenhauer's work, especially as it relates to Buddhism, but I have read a few books on Buddhism, the best of which was Rupert Gethin's The Foundations of Buddhism, which I highly recommend as an introduction to Buddhism.

It is worth noting that some Buddhists reject rebirth, and have a more "non-magical" take of the Buddha's teachings. Interestingly the truth of karma and rebirth is said to be discoverable when one is developed enough in their meditative practices, and indeed that is how the Buddha is supposed to have discovered it, along with everything else he taught.

Buddhism has some very interesting things to say about the human condition, much of which I can see manifesting itself in my own life, and in some ways many of those truths are being discovered by modern science. See here and here.

$3,753.93 saved, 7,507 cigs not smoked, 31 days saved.

Those stats are awesome but not even the best thing about not smoking. The freedom I have gained is the singlemost best thing about it.

For my 500 days I would like to recommend a book I am currently reading for those of you who like to read:
The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why it Matters...

Bonus edit:
21 lessonsfrom the willpower instinct

Thank you so much for the kind words. I am creating a meditation course for beginners on that blog that I own and manage but I do not feel that it is ready yet since I want it to be very good. I own and refer to this book and think it is great. I think it is the only book you will need: http://www.amazon.com/Real-Happiness-Meditation-28-Day-Program/dp/0761159258/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

I have no affiliation with the author. Best of luck! You can do it.

No. What I find painful is being in situations where false jollity is required. Perhaps that's what you're describing, I don't know.

My times of genuine happiness are probably the reason I'm still alive. If I were never happy I'm sure I would have offed myself decades ago.

As the philosophers say, happiness is not an end state in itself; it is a side effect from doing other things. Whether that is performing useful work, or conjuring up useful theories, or being truly present when you share time with your significant other or children, doesn't matter. It will vary from one person to the next. But too many people think "well if I just do X and Y and Z, I will be happy someday", as if it's a destination at the end of a train ride.

Edit: I believe you'd find this book useful: The Antidote - Happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking. I recommend it highly, especially to INTP folk. From the review: "...they argue that in our personal lives, and in society at large, it’s our constant effort to be happy that is making us miserable. And that there is an alternative path to happiness and success that involves embracing failure, pessimism, insecurity, and uncertainty—the very things we spend our lives trying to avoid."

You don't need to be a psychic because everyone already is a psychic.

As far as practice, it really takes 3 weeks before most people will see improvement with any new skill. I would even say give it 3 weeks for the shock of change to wear off and more like 3 months to really feel comfortable. (Kind of like going to the gym). This M.D. talks about the 3 weeks thing early in this book.

An interesting take on psychics currently employed in government is when Robert Monroe talks about bumping into a secret service agent in the astral when the President was visiting his town (I think it was his first book. You gotta wonder if those secret service agents are being trained in all forms of security detail - including psi attacks.

And if psychics in groups can do defense work, I"m sure they can do offensive work as well. This is the conspiracy forum and I don't have any hard evidence, but you gotta wonder how someone like Tiger Woods falls off so hard. Gets caught in a scandal where he loses billions of dollars in sponsors.

You think the guy down the street gets pissed losing a few thousand on NFL Sunday? Imagine how mad sponsors would get after losing billions? (You can't exactly lay physical hands on a figure as prominent as Tiger Woods - very similar to all the "meltdowns" we see from pop music stars all the time - Kayne, Britney, etc).

How many back surgeries is Tiger going to have? Someone needs to tell this guy he needs a witch doctor not a surgeon. And he's been "cursed" by a powerful CEO sorcerer with even more powerful military wizard friends with lots of cool top secret toys.

It's not that much of a leap to imagine corporations like Nike or AT&T have access to classified government technology either. Colonel Corso in "The Day After Roswell" even says this is how they keep reverse engineering secret. The tech gets farmed out to private corporations and reported to the public as "breakthroughs" or "discoveries" from a Boeing or Dow or whoever.

Mind control tech would fit right in with athletes or musicians or actors (Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Scientology, etc). Nothing becomes popular or gets to the top of any charts that will reach millions of people without first having to confront this very real reality of thought control and influence.

Tiger Woods father was a very smart man. He didn't say his son would be more important than Gandhi without good reason. I just don't think his father knew the specifics of how the impact would play out.

Also, the topic is not remote viewing, but I do cover the surface layers of it in a videocast I just did about aliens. I had promised in an earlier thread I would eventually get around to telling that story so here it is if people are still interested: Part 1, Part 2 - and I hope to have Part 3 next week.

The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living

Listened to it in an afternoon and it inspired me to reflect on what actually makes me happy- warm spaces, quality time with friends, a good chair. Could incorporate many of these for very cheap or for nothing at all. (In fact, showing how much money you spend and/or spending a lot is frowned upon!)

I listened via OverDrive, making it free. However, I would probably even buy this if I found a good used deal.

https://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Hygge-Danish-Secrets/dp/0062658808

Maybe try The Willpower Instinct because it's got a lot of interesting information on how willpower seems to work, it's not simply a self help book.

I've also been working on changing the words I use internally towards myself. For example if my day or week of eating gets out of hand I try not to think to myself that I'm a "fucking idiot." Once I pictured sitting across the room from myself and using the same language in a discussion I realized that person was not someone I wanted to spend time with. I don't have to be so cruel towards myself, I'm already having a tough enough time as is.

Also I'm trying to recognize the fact that I cannot help how I feel or what kind of craving I have, but it doesn't mean I need to act on it. I'm the one in control of my physical actions.

Of course... it helps if I try to set myself up for the best success possible. I try to have snacks and meal that are more filling and not carb based because I know they will sustain me for longer. Having a cheese stick, or egg, or small salad, or etc if I'm going too long between meals means that I have a better chance of making a healthier choice later.

Can I just say that shipping prices factor into my online purchasing decisions a ridiculous amount? I have a small but flexible spending "fun" budget and the ability to browse things online at work, so I impulse bought The Little Book Of Hygge yesterday without a second though (free shipping thanks amazon) and yet, despite the fact I've revisited the website probably 7 times in the last 4 days and absolutely am in love with these mittens (I have a pair in red that are the best winter accessory I own except they don't match anything I own dang it) from the style to the lining to the colors, the shipping is $12 and I just can't do it. I can't. Its too much.
basically shipping costs have kept me from going over budget many a time. Its a love hate relationship I guess

The Happiness Hypothesis - More or less a "best of" of self-help and positive psychology that focuses on tried and true stuff that actually works and not mystical mumbo jumbo. Haidt deliberately draws on a combination of modern psychology and ancient philosophy and does a great job of it. This is actually my go-to book to recommend to people for self-development.

The Antidote - A great book on how to cultivate happiness without denying the negative or unpleasant aspects of life and experience.

Happiness is a Serious Problem - Politically I often disagree with Dennis Prager but this book has fantastic practical advice on living a happier life.

>My dating profiles say "I'm looking for no-pressure, casual experiences in both dating and sex." Is that not clear?

I would read this to mean you’re looking for casual sex and immediately swipe left no matter what you look like or anything else you might have said. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, if that’s what you want. But understand the pool of women in their 30s looking for that is smaller, and those who are open to it are probably going to expect something in exchange.

>I've been on both of these for months. Maybe a year. I go weeks at a time without getting a single match. Even when I do get a match they almost never message me. This is really the crux of my rant. So many people were telling me on my other post that I should have no problem meeting women, and yet I can't meet women. How is that not going to fuck with my head?

I have a theory that online dating is dying. I think most people play it as a game these days and aren’t investing any real time or effort in finding something genuine. The documentary I mentioned more or less confirmed this — you seriously have to watch it ASAP. Also, most of us have been at it a lot longer than you have, and we’ve been on so many bad dates that it’s hard to take it seriously anymore. My friends and I prefer to meet people offline and have all quit online.

>This is the main thing I haven't given significant effort yet. I admit it. Because I'm terrible in group situations. I'm too fucking shy and introverted. Even if I try these things I'll still be too much of a coward to try and make a move. Please understand: I'm working against inertia that's been built up over my entire life. I can't think of a single dating experience I've had that I can look back on and tell myself "I did good."

I get it. I’m a not-at-all-shy introvert. I can turn on the social skills when I need to, but I find it exhausting after a while. Stop thinking about it as dating or making a move, and just go make friends. Practice socializing with men and women with whom you share hobbies or other interests. And if even that sounds hard, seriously look at meditations for social anxiety. There are thousands of free ones online, and they will help. Also consider seeing a therapist to help you get started.

>Have I made the impression that I think this? I barely talked about sex at all in this post. Yes, sex is one of my goals because thinking about taking a woman home without knowing what to do causes a shit ton of anxiety. I'm just trying to figure out an unknown.

Stop being so defensive, stop thinking about sex as a goal, and stop worrying about how to handle it when the time comes. You’ll more likely than not be with someone more experienced, and she’ll be happy to take the lead. Read this: https://medium.com/@JessicaLexicus/give-virgins-a-chance-395b02527435?source=linkShare-511ae20bf0bc-1537596023

>I have a real problem with this word. I've always understood it to include the idea that the guy is angry and hateful toward women because they won't give him what he thinks he's earned or deserves. That is not me. I don't get angry at women for rejecting me. I've never given anyone a hard time for not being interested. I always try to be polite.

That is exactly what the word means, and I’m very glad to hear it doesn’t apply to you. But it’s not good to beat yourself up over your perceived lack of success with dating either. There are plenty of us who are older than you, happily single and still open to whatever may come in the future. It’s all a matter of perspective. Another great read for you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062265431/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_WVDPBbGFWQBK3

>I appreciate your words and advice. Thank you for trying to help. But I still feel like no one is actually reading what I write. It's just reinforced the idea that I'm somehow inhuman, like I'm incapable of being understood by normal people. So I guess I'm sorry for posting this.

Again, please stop this! We’re reading, we’re listening. But you need to listen too. You are waaaaay too hard on yourself. Inhuman because you aren’t immediately perfectly understood on reddit? You are a good person going through a hard time and probably some depression. You’ll get through it. Please see the resources I and others have pointed you to. It will get better.

I reached a really low point a few years back where I was thinking about suicide. As I thought about how crappy everything was, I had a thought that made me wonder - "Mormonism isn't the way to happiness but I wonder if science has figured out the best ways to find happiness?"

That led to me doing some research about happiness, which is largely found in the field of positive psychology. I realized I could retrain my mind to be happy independent of my circumstances (no matter how good or bad they are) by doing a few simple things.

The things that made the biggest difference when I was at my lowest point were meditation using the mantras from this book: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414870961&sr=8-1&keywords=love+yourself+like+your+life+depends+on+it

The thing that has made the biggest difference long term is exercise (start now).

Things can and will get better. The trick right now is just convincing yourself that this is true. I'm here to tell you it is. You can do this. It may not seem like it, but you can.

I know this isn't a comment you want to read, but tbh dude, just buy this book if you haven't already read it.

I think you have a problem with being self-loathing because you're constantly comparing yourself to other girls. There's a good part in the book the really encapsulates your situation, and I think you'd benefit overall from reading it. It's $12 and it's a short read. Give it a shot.

For my own personal advice, when it comes to diet and exercise, your goal should be to develop habits, not to seek a specific weight. Focus on developing healthy habits (which it seems you are doing good). I find doing that makes me much happier rather than trying to obtain a goal hoping i'll be happier once I reach it.

This very short book has helped: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734

The premise of the book is that loving yourself cures depression. I don't love myself, but one of his recommendations is to ask yourself when feeling depressed "if I loved myself would I put myself through this experience?". Strangely, it works at times. I think to myself if I loved myself like I love my partner then I wouldn't put my partner through whatever it is I am experiencing at that time.

I'm not a fan of self help books, but it's only short. It has made me think about how I can start to love myself, instead of hate myself!

Try to keep it interesting I reccomend practising these muscles for 5 seconds every day. Focus on one muscle.

You have multiple muscles in youre brain, The muscles im specialising in at the moment is the attention muscle - I used the book Search inside yourself> path to achivieing success, happiness and world peace. You also have a decision making muscle which you can practice with hard and decisive decision, every decision can be hard and decision no matter how small of an impact it has on your life. This muscle has helped me the most on my journey through starting a company and taking on music as my next goal. My psychiatrist also told me that that you can practice memory, with your memory muscle, just like you practice muscle memory

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace): https://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116932

Related;

The Best Self-Help Book of All Time

Excerpt (with an Ellis reference, though there are a few other people mentioned worth tracking down);

> Chris: Have you read anything by Albert Ellis? Check out:

> http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429


>Chris: [re: Epictetus’ Enchiridion] And Epictetus was a big influence on Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive therapy. See here: http://www.politicsofwellbeing.com/2008/06/stoicism-founder-of-cognitive-therapy.html

> Patrick: The best self-help author of all time you ask? Albert Ellis. Not even close. (Arnold Lazarus was a student of Ellis’). You have to be willing to work your ass off but if you are this books can help anyone lead a more fulfilling life.

> Luke Muehlhauser (blog author): Totally agree about Ellis. The science in it is of course dated now, but his were certainly the best available at the time.

Read the link for a few extra people and specific books to examine.

Howdy, children's behavioral specialist here.

Couple of questions. Has he suffered from any trauma? Is he violent when he's angry or sad or "pissed"? When you say "his behaviors" could you describe his acting out? (Examples of what he actually does, "not minding" is a bad example, "ignores me, stamps his foot, screams, yells" are good examples)

Firstly I'd direct you to "Sitting Still Like a Frog" It's got some excersises that are great for kids like this. I incentivize engagement with these activities with special games and prizes. I talk it up like they are "developing their superpowers".

Practice setting up an auto pilot program when he is escalated. Steps that you both will take when he's pissed. You might lock yourself in the bathroom for five. Do some deep breathing yourself. You might ask him to make a choice to stay in his room, or lose out on screen time privileges. Take an angle with it, and set a controlled box for him to freak out when he is at his limit. Don't struggle with him. Detail "taking a break" and what that looks like instead of "(you're in trouble) time out". Explain to him that everyone needs to take a break sometimes and when he's acting out you might take a break from him.

A good example of what I'm trying to explain: We did a summer camp activity "Summer Superheros". One week we discussed what superheros do when they go to a "Fortress of Solitude" or "Batcave". They plan, prepare and relax for the next activity. So we set up each kids room with fun things they like to do for calming down, (coloring, puzzles, matchbox cars whatever...) and put that on a list in the room. Now the parent can direct the child to choose an activity to do for five minutes. After that, tell the child you'll be in to talk about what's frustrating them.

Lastly, narrating the child's feelings sounds like horseshit, but sometimes its all they need. If they are communicative verbally, (I.e. The amygdala hasn't taken over and made them an animal) even if they are barely making sense, listen to them and validate what they are saying. "It sounds like it was frustrating when you lost your toy" Or "It's hard to change plans and now you're disappointed mom didn't have time to stop at McDonald's." and let them explain their feelings to themselves. Encourage them to do this.

Get back to me and let me know more about your smart kid. PM or here. It's good to hear that he's succeeding in a scholastic environment. It means he has some ability to self regulate. It's the smart ones that have trouble, and he's not throwing chairs through windows, setting fires, or taking a crescent wrench to your car. That's good news.

I really like the book 10% Happier by Dan Harris (Amazon). I actually just started it again today. Dan Harris is an anchor with ABC News, so smart phones, the internet, and social media are all totally in his realm. The book reads less like a traditional self help book, and is more about this one guy’s journey to becoming, you guessed it, 10% happier.

It’s about 220 pages, a quick, fun read. I definitely recommend it.

Yeah of course you can pray for this.

Heck, you oughtta pray for this. More people would be happier if they had prayed daily for a good spouse before they found and married one.

Here's a good old Catholic prayer for a young man to meet a future spouse.

Wait.....Are you talking about making a specific gal fall in love with you? I mean you can pray for that, but you should also just....work on making yourself more appealing to that person. Find out their interests, get involved with them somehow, and work on improving your appearance, manners, and conversational skills.

In the vein of personal improvement, I'd suggest reading maybe the Mindful Attraction Plan and....gosh, maybe No More Christian Nice Guy.

Two other little comments:

>almost no social life

This is certainly fixable

>and I don't exist in social media(except reddit and whatsapp)

Haha this does not matter at all, in fact being on Facebook 24/7 or getting sucked into the latest Twitter outrages are severely unattractive to good women.

This book (recommended by my psychiatrist) has helped me with my self talk:

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971030901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oHWIDbC3W8T1R

Basically, any voice in your head that doesn’t come from a place of compassion and kindness, say to it, I hear you, but I choose not to believe you.

These are the things I say to myself (try to):

Way to go!
I’m awesome!
I have made so much progress, I’m so proud of myself!
I love you (to myself)
I have worked hard for this and it paid off

Also...way to go! You rock!

Edit: if/when you “mess up,” maybe say to yourself, I’m human and it’s ok when I mess up, what matters is overall progress and that I’m still trying.

Making your bed has other benefits than looking nice. There may be a psychological benefit.

Admiral McRaven wrote an entire book about it. (https://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Bed-Little-Life/dp/1455570249). The army insists that you make your bed every morning. Why? His assertion is that it sets you on a good path for the day. You set an easy goal - make your bed. You accomplish that goal first thing. That small accomplishment will (hopefully) lead to an attitude where you want to (and do) accomplish more.

Start by reading books on self-esteem and such. No one I know has not read at least one such book, whether you call it self-help or a text on psychology.
Try The Art of Happiness or search for "self-esteem" on amazon. My first book, among many afterwards, was Awaken the Giant Within. It wasn't the greatest book, but it was good and led me on to many other good books.

Why read? Because one needs to contemplate who one is, you need to know who you are. Books help steer your mind toward self-reflection and honesty, and maybe as you are guided toward yourself, you can take the rest of the necessary steps to self-knowledge and compassion.

Read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-Updated-Expanded-Maxwell-Maltz/dp/0399176136

It’s about a plastic surgeon who discovered that some of his patients would still remain unhappy with themselves/ how they looked even after plastic surgery. He began to study the beliefs and thought patterns behind this.

I think it might be a good read for you. I hope you discover self love, because for some people plastic surgery does help them feel better about themselves and for other people, it does not.

You can also read in that book how people felt after getting plastic surgery that went “wrong” and how they dealt with the guilt of choosing a surgery that was supposed to help them look & feel better, but didn’t.

I think reading this book may help you feel better about yourself and help you discover self- insight

I get depressed over my body and youth the most. I started having babies and married young and though I didn't get fat I got bad stretch marks. Then I got fat. :-/

How do I cope? By throwing myself into self-improvement. I even get excited about the changes I am making! I could get stuck in the "woe is me"s and I certainly have and still do from time to time but one thing Red Pill has taught me is that we do not have a lot of time at all. No time for moping!

Have you read Athol Kay's Mindful Attraction Plan? I swear that I have never had a conversation with this man let alone am paid by him to promote his books they just are that great.

Another thing is that I find things to keep me busy. I love to read so I make time to read, as one example. It's important to care for yourself because it also lets you know you are worth it to yourself.

She sounds very sweet, possibly a little hippie-esq? I highly suggest a pretty houseplant, some quality candles or even (if I may be so bold) the Little Book of Hygge -link below. It's a great little coffee table book on the art of relaxing in your space, was a huge hit and very popular.


https://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Hygge-Danish-Secrets/dp/0062658808

I too had seen several shitty therapists, only one or two had any brains or critical thinking skills but where religious which is big no-no for me.

Lucky for me, an acquaintance recommended this book: A Guide To Rational Living which introduced me to REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy). After reading the book I looked up REBT and found one therapist nearby who I've been seeing for over a year and I am now in maintenance mode where I only have monthly sessions.

Albert Ellis developed this form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and he was an atheist, I think that it is evident in REBT. There are REBT therapists all over the country, the Albert Ellis institute website Ellis wrote some books with unfortunate feel good titles, but full of good techniques.

Hopefully, there's an REBT therapist in your area.

Good luck

There's a great book coming out on April 24th called Search inside Yourself. It's by Chade-meng Tan from google, and it's distilled from Google's mindfulness meditation program that they teah to their employees.

Full disclosure: Meng is one of the investors in my company, but even if he wasn't I'd still recommend the book.

http://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116924

I got started with meditation by attending a beginner's meditation course at my local zen temple. If you can do that, it's also a great way to get started.

Meditation is surprisingly simple, and you don't need to sit in the lotus position to do it. You can meditate anytime, anywhere! It's really just about concentrating on your breath.

There are also a number of apps on the market that will teach you meditation. Headspace and Buddhify are the two with the best design.

Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.

Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?

You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.

Date her. Every day.

Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).

Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.

Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.

A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.

And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.

It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.

I think you shouldn't underestimate taking action. In fact, I'd make that your priority over meditation right now. And by action, I mean getting outside and socialising with people.

Look into ACT therapy. It's a combination of goal setting, stoicism, exposure therapy, and mindfulness.

Basically, you:

• visualise how you want your life to be
  
• make a plan on how to get there
  
• break it up into small baby steps
  
• acknowledge that life is difficult
  
• but use meditation and mindfulness to live in the now
  
• then you take your first baby step
  
  Just over a year ago I had such extreme social anxiety that just leaving the house was a big ordeal. Last night I went to a networking event for an industry I've always wanted to work in, where I met a bunch of strangers and pitched myself to them. It blows my mind just thinking about how far I've come from a similar situation to yourself, so I can 100% vouch for this method.
  
  First step for you would be to find a therapist. If that seems too daunting, make a booking to go see your doctor. If that seems too daunting, just make a booking but tell yourself you dont have to go. You just need to take a little baby step. It's okay if you stumble, just keep trying to take that first step, it'll get easier. The baby step analogy is perfect. If you're ever struggling just ask yourself how long you'd give a baby to learn to walk before you gave up. You wouldn't, right? You just keep trying.
  
  In the mean time you should also read this https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1611801575/ It's a very short illustrated book explaining ACT therapy. ACT stands for acceptance and commitment. Acceptance meaning understanding that life can be tough. But... Committing to take some ACTion anyways.
  
  You should also write down a plan to expose yourself to going outside and socialising which focuses on very very small steps you can take to give yourself small wins, that you can build upon.
  
  For me at the very beginning it was as small as just going outside for a walk. Then I found events that I was interested in where I could just turn up to and wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I found these series of movie talks where I could go listen to a talk, then watch a movie. Just rsvping for those events was a small victory. Then just leaving the house to go to the events was a small victory. Then staying 5 minutes was a small victory. I just kept doing these little baby steps. Building upon my previous victories. Exposing myself to things that scared me at very very small amounts. Always with the knowledge that at the worst, I just go home. And truth be told, in over a year, I haven't had a single negative experience (you know, beyond it being really tough to go outside sometimes!).
  
  You get the idea, right? And at each step, you celebrate it as though you've won a war. A war against yourself.
  
  I think you've already taken your first step by asking on here for advice. You've won your first battle. Go buy that book. Read 5 pages. Google your local doctor. Make a booking. You got this.

The problem is much deeper than you think. And it´s also way easier to fix than you think. If you are truly passionate about something, you wouldn´t have these problems. And if you MUST do something that you aren´t passionate about, you always have to see the bigger picture and just get it done. Every time you get shit done, it will get easier the next time.

It´s not about how you act when you are motivated, it´s how disciplined you are when you are not.

I can recommend you this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Buddhism-True-Philosophy-Enlightenment/dp/1439195455

Yes it is about Buddhism, but the author really does a great job in giving you an outside view on your own problems. Even if you don´t meditate or are interested in getting into Buddhism.

This book has made me a much calmer and collected person in the last couple of months. I get more shit done, only by truly reflecting on my feelings.

I haven't read it yet, but Robert Wrights book [Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment] (https://www.amazon.com/Why-Buddhism-True-Philosophy-Enlightenment/dp/1439195455) might be right up your alley. He also appeared on the podcast #102 Is Buddhism True?

Sam's recommended reading list might be a good resource to sort through too. Good luck!

Add to all the other good comments the observation that we don't always act in our own best interests so some ambiguity in life is "normal." If you have a few small goals you have a better chance of reaching them then if you have the heavy weight of major goals with an unrealistic timeline. First of all, make your bed. Discovered this years ago. Good book about it: https://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Bed-Little-Things/dp/1455570249

I'm going to piggyback that Buddha statement. The Accidental Buddhist gave me such great insight. I try to implement Buddhist philosophy into my life and it has helped me immensely. I cannot even express how much happier I am since I decided to do this.



This was also a nice, short read and helped put me in a nice mindset.

Both of these books are available on kindle unlimited by the way! :)

you would probably be feeling worse if you weren't exercising. it's a big positive in your life. taking care of yourself shows healthy self respect

but you have to put work and discipline into improving your mental health just as you do your physical. learn and start exercising better ways of thinking.

i recommend this book

Get sexy for you. When you feel sexy, other people notice. I lost a lot confidence bc of my db, too. But I know I look good, and it makes me carry myself differently. Im not gorgeous but i get attention (i think) because i feel good.

Getting to the point you feel sexy takes work, but it's worth it.

This book changed my life https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

Check out Search Inside Yourself by Chade Meng Tan. He was a Google engineer that went full time into running a mindfulness program at Google. It's one of my favorite books on mindfulness because it's super practical, and it includes a lot of great stuff on workplace mindfulness (and lots of great stuff on outside the workplace mindfulness). I remember a few sections on how he taught managers mindfulness and how it benefited everyone involved.

I'd like to recommend a great book. It might help us get over this truck driver, the car that followed the truck and the hilarious reaction and disbelief caught in the video.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0062641549/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_i_Dte0Db4FVBACN

It's not fiction, but it changed my life.

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness-10th-Anniversary-Handbook/dp/1594488894/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

Also, I hear they're making great advancements with micro-doses of psilocybin in regards to PTSD, you may want to look into it.

Good luck.

Mindful mediation can help get you get back to a period of calm, at least for a short while. Search Inside Yourself is a pretty good book on the subject. If you are short on money, you can get the gist of the book just by googling "mindful mediation". Basically, just sit down, relax, and focus on your breathing. Don't try to avoid or stop any emotions that arise, just let them run through you. After a while, you become really relaxed. Of course, this isn't an end all solution, but it definitely helps.

Have you ever heard of the book The Happiness Trap? My EMDR therapist recommended it and I found it helpful for what you're describing.

Life is pretty hard for almost everyone despite how it looks on the outside. I'm not minimizing or comparing your trauma to anyone's. No matter who you are, you will end up having to fight against the universe at some points in your existence and there's no amount of worrying about it that will prevent it and it will actually make it worse.

One thing that has helped me is recognizing that worrying about stuff that might happen feels pretty much indistinguishable from truly going through the bad thing. If it does really end up happening you'll go through it more than once (maybe dozens of times!). If it doesn't happen then you didn't have to go through it at all. The ones you do go through often are not as bad as we catastrophize. Then a few are going to be legit catastrophes and most of those you will never predict/avoid.

It's not automatic or easy. It's a practice just like anything else and the more you walk/talk yourself through the above logic and tell yourself things are going to be ok... the easier it will be and the more things will begin to feel ok. The anxiety won't go away initially, and it probably never will completely but it will not paralyze you because most important to this... DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE FUCKING CHAMPION!!!

You have survived more than most people have had to bear and you are still standing! Yes, you've got wounds to show for it. Battle scars are a testament to your strength, not proof of weakness! Life was unable to take you out while it was at its worst, it's not going to take you out on your way to recovery because you are going to recognize your immense strength more and more as you walk one step at a time into the unknown and you see it's not as black as it seems!

Yikes, I'm sorry you were in an accident!

You can still do some yoga. Do everything you can either laying on your back in bed or on the couch. And you can meditate if you already were doing that. Five, ten minutes a day. Try the Shavasana (corpse) pose. It's a mixture of both and very, very relaxing.

Since you're artistic, have you heard of bullet journal? Like bullet points. They have them at some Barnes & Noble stores or you can order direct from their site. It's a 'fast' way to journal. But you can also embellish the pages with drawings, doodles and such. Create calendars and ways to track your day. You can create mood trackers too. Food and good habits trackers, etc.

Try reading Thriving with Social Anxiety, The Dance of Anger or 10% Happier.

Do stuff that makes you feel better!

glad it does something for you!

so check out the book "The Willpower Instinct" -- the author wanted to teach a class at Stanford about willpower and so she did research and created a class. The class quickly became the number one class to take, and people were taking it multiple times. So she wrote a book.

It's a fantastic book that goes into our "wants" and all the dirty tricks our brain does to us to get us to get things. For example, in cases of things like cakes and sweets, the brain increases blood sugar levels BEFORE you even get close to getting the cake/sweet. Your brain is prepping for getting something before your conscious mind has even thought about it.

The number one most "expensive" thing for a brain to do is to maintain self control. It's figured that the brain spends in sugar about 1/2 of a tic tac for every moment of self control. Humans, do in fact have essentially a video-game like "willpower meter" that gets lower throughout the day.

the book is fascinating - get it.

https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486696583&sr=8-1&keywords=The+willpower+instinct


I grew up studying Phenomenology and existentialism, but that didn't do much for me...lol

and here's the author doing a google talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BXuZL1HAg

Also - yes, it's possible to reconfigure our brains. You can do so with things like Cognative Behavioral Therapy (good book - "Mind over mood" and "Feeling Good") and you can get into reframing with Neural Linguistic Programming

you also can go a more extreme route and use operant conditioning which does work (Like when they made a baby afraid of white fluffy things...cruel, but it worked)

https://www.verywell.com/the-little-albert-experiment-2794994

There's a cool device called a "Pavlok" that is basically a shock collar for humans (you wear it on your wrist). when you do something you don't like, you zap yourself. People have quit smoking in 5 days doing this.

For some reason a book is coming to mind that I wonder if you might enjoy... I have read a LOT of "self help" / psych books but one in particular does stand out in my mind right now :

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971030901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_44KVAb9HRG24Y

I'm more into fiction these days but if you're interested in book recommendations I'd be happy to review more of the ones I've read and share them with you.

I have gotten a lot off of Amazon. Like a bunch of cheap cat toys. A screen for my deck door. A comforting book. The world's best chocolate covered cherries. My favorite coffee. This fur throw to go on this chair. And this playpen/sleeper for my been nephew. Amazon's so good.

>Visualizing Success Can Actually Lead to Failure

I completely agree! You're setting yourself up to fail, over and over again, because you'll rarely be as good as you visualize yourself to be, and just end up feeling like a failure every time.

I much rather like the Stoic practice of negative visualisation with the approach of hoping for the best but be prepared for the worst by visualizing the worst than can happen. Just as the very best rarely happens, the very worst also rarely happens. Things almost never turn out as bad as you imagine, so you're setting yourself up to succeed all the time realising that things are actually not that bad, making you feel better about yourself, instead of worse.

As it turns out, research has shown that the happiest people are the ones that are best at dealing with things that go wrong in life, not the ones that think most positively.

I recommend this book: The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking.

I'd also recommend a book based on interviews with Dalia Lama - The Art Of Happiness

It goes through the principles of being happy. A constant mindset of opting a positive view. It's like the opposite of How Not To Give A Fuck. But I found it good to see both sides.

It takes practice and I often feel depressed but over the years I've been getting better at staying positive, which really helps dealing with the self-blame and self loathing that OP is describing.

Okay so I didn't read the book, but I listened to a podcast where these women try to live by self help books for 2 weeks and they did one on Hygge. I do really enjoy that cozy Christmasy feeling so when it's cold and dark I try to reframe my thinking to embrace the winter.

I can empathize with your post. I have some similar tendencies and issues.

Some thoughts/questions:

• What goals do you have (if any)?
  
• What do you want (physically/emotionally/anything)?
  
• What do you enjoy doing while you're doing it?
  
• What do you look forward to?
  
• I've found that weed can be my biggest obstacle to motivation - have you tried cutting it out? How long have you been smoking it?
  
• Have you tried meditation?
  
  One thing that I would expect to tie into the lack of responsibility you've shown is having to be accountable. If you slack off / don't do things, do you have consequences? Or is it that you're aware of them, and then do enough to not get bitten too hard by them?
  
  Lastly, just something to throw out there. I'm currently reading this book on willpower and find it fascinating. Maybe there's something in there for you too.
  
  Best wishes to you. I hope you find some answers.

Good points on all! Maybe I need to go re-read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz again, and revisit this. :)
(A great, easy read and #1 book I highly recommend! http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom-ebook/dp/B005BRS8Z6/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1421457689&sr=1-4)

I literally wrote this comment yesterday that you might want to check out...

But basically, I think you should really check out Meng Tan - he was one of the first software engineers at google (something like employee #100!), but he got out of that and basically went full time into teaching mindfulness. He wrote a book that I think is really worth a read and gave a talk about said book.

Anyways, I think that's a good place for you to find some answers...hopefully. Cheers!

Here are some quick recommendations from my list of favorites for those who are interested (I hope mods are OK with links to make looking easier, otherwise I'll happily remove them). These books engaged and inspired me and my imagination:

The Alchemist:

>The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho continues to change the lives of its readers forever. With more than two million copies sold around the world, The Alchemist has established itself as a modern classic, universally admired.

>Paulo Coelho's masterpiece tells the magical story of Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who yearns to travel in search of a worldly treasure as extravagant as any ever found.

The Three Body Problem is a Chinese Science Fiction novel that has recently become popular in the West thanks to a good translation (I recommend reading my synopsis and not the Amazon one, to avoid spoilers):

>Set against the backdrop of China's Cultural Revolution, a secret military project looks for signals in space from alien civilizations. Meanwhile, in the present day, a physicist joins a grizzled detective to investigate why famous scientists are all committing suicide.

Fahrenheit 451:

>Guy Montag is a fireman. In his world, where television rules and literature is on the brink of extinction, firemen start fires rather than put them out. His job is to destroy the most illegal of commodities, the printed book, along with the houses in which they are hidden.

The Art of Happiness (by the Dalai Lama):

>Nearly every time you see him, he's laughing, or at least smiling. And he makes everyone else around him feel like smiling. He's the Dalai Lama, the spiritual and temporal leader of Tibet, a Nobel Prize winner, and a hugely sought-after speaker and statesman. Why is he so popular? Even after spending only a few minutes in his presence you can't help feeling happier.

Snow Crash:

>Hiro Protagonist delivers pizza for Uncle Enzo’s CosoNostra Pizza Inc., but in the Metaverse he’s a warrior prince. Plunging headlong into the enigma of a new computer virus that’s striking down hackers everywhere, he races along the neon-lit streets on a search-and-destroy mission for the shadowy virtual villain threatening to bring about infocalypse.

My favorite introduction to Mahayana Buddhism: The Essence of Buddhism by the late Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche.
Also, for a great easy to read introduction to meditation, I recommend Sharon Salzberg's Real Happiness

I swallowed my pride and started reading/listening to self help books. Based on other people's recommendations:

www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968 - funny and made me feel better if just for a few days; somewhat targeted towards women but I found it helpful

www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734 - finished it in less than hour and trying to follow its mantra.. strangely, I think it might be helping. Too early to tell but it's interesting.

I e-borrowed the first one from my library. Maybe possible with the second one too.

I was depressed and medicated when I was 18 - 19 then I found hope in myself and resigned to the fact that I control my happiness.

I have some degree of social anxiety caused by hypervigilance but my wife knows how to identify it and keep me from going off the handle, liquor seems to help too not that I condone using booze to suppress cognition. Interesting thing is I'm actually incredibly comfortable in front of large crowds speaking, singing, presenting but put me in a mall, the stampede or on a street downtown late at night and I see and hear everything all at once. It's a great bar trick to be able to cold read someone but it sucks when you are trying to pay attention or enjoy something.

I recently read a book because I was feeling very uneasy about where my life is heading (common problem for our generation) and I felt it really really helped me.

https://www.amazon.ca/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062641549/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497969336&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f

Just figured I'd throw that down, to contribute.
Chin up lads :-)

This is a great book for teaching mindfulness to youngsters: https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness/dp/1611800587/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482599567&sr=8-1&keywords=sit+like+a+frog

It's wonderful that you are teaching mindfulness. I wish you well.

You were very brave to do the right thing for yourself. Childbirth and pregnancy is terrifying and it’s easy for someone else to say you should have gone through that. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t have kids… That whole process is life-threatening and scary and women do die from it.

I don’t mean to sound patronizing - but you are young and as the years go by and you meet new people and build a new life I believe you will be very glad you made this decision.

Your aren’t weak or selfish. You made the right choice for yourself and protecting yourself. It’s YOUR body that wouldn’t had to carry that baby

This book may be helpful. And yes find a therapist!

Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It https://www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_53tSBbJXF2344

Sharon Salzberg has a good beginners book on meditation: Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/ref=cm_sw_r_oth_api_i_qy-pDbCW9SJBB

She goes over all the basics and add more minutes as you progress through the weeks. I found it easy to follow.

I feel you, winter always gets me in these positions. I started recently reading this (maybe a fit for you, maybe not) might be worth a shot: http://www.amazon.com/The-Antidote-Happiness-Positive-Thinking/dp/0865478015

With summer coming and a little more physical activity in my life, things seem to be looking up after a good year or so in a slump. I hope the best for you.

I highly recommend the following books:

[Make Your Bed - William McRaven](Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...And Maybe the World https://www.amazon.com/dp/1455570249/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_kW-CAb5EC4KXD)

[Discipline equals freedom - Jocko Willink](Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250156947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_TX-CAbTVPW96J)

> I challenge the condescension style of the post I am not promoting any purity or holiness concept.

I read this differently:

>[Virgins] undergo a trial of humanity that some never face they the non virgins appease their weakness in others never facing an isolation

...

> But I will call the Virgin quite possibly the most tested emotionally as a human.

As for this:

> they just say be strong man up b.s.

I completely agree. Using sex to define the masculinity of a man is bullshit. It's a weak and arbitrary metric, and to drive that point, the same metric is sometimes applied to women to define how immoral they are. If we're going to give way to stereotypes, then why have men, who have apparently always wanted all the sex, worked so hard to shame women into avoiding sex at all costs?

If we didn't give any fucks about who fucked who, then there wouldn't be any virgins. No, not in the sense that everyone would have sex, but in the sense that the word would have served no purpose: to put value on women as objects that could be sold.

> self confidence can help you achieve things even if they are rejected for a sexual relationship

Again, I agree.

At the risk of projecting a little, I think that we often conflate a lack of sex with a lack of confidence. Confidence lets you ask people out. It lets you ask people for drinks, then over to your place. It's knowing that rejection doesn't mean you're the problem but that it's just a thing and it's not personal. It's being able to push through the possibility that rejection might happen and taking a chance to hear "ok, lets do the thing".

The reason I tell people to buy condoms is because it helped me become comfortable with seeing myself as a sexual object. The stigma around buying condoms for me wasn't that condoms were the stigma, or that sex was, but that seeing myself sexually felt weird. Getting past that barrier (heh) helped me to feel ready to say yes when the time was right - there was even one time where having condoms in my backpack absolutely came in handy.

But that sense of preparedness could translate to preparing for a vacation, having extra birthday/christmas/third day of Chaunukkah cards, or whatever. Being organized and being ready is adult. Want to see yourself as adult? Confident? Ready? You never know when the moment will come, so plan for it. Figure out what that means to you in the context of the things you want to be adult about: make your goddamn bed.

Yes, absolutely. Knowledge is key.

Consider this analogy: A clinically depressed person, is an individual who is in an unfamiliar land, a depressive land. And psychological knowledge, and philosophical knowledge serves as the map with which the individual may become better acquainted with their surroundings, feeling more comfortable there, and the map can direct them towards roads/highways/bridges to leave that place and venture to other states of mind.


I was depressed to the point of cutting myself each night and considering suicide on a weekly basis. And so I checked myself into a clinical psychologist and it was the best decision I ever made in my life thus far.

I realize you have financial constraints, and so I will tell you that I benefited wonderfully from therapy thus far through my therapist's book recommendations. I've since become very interested in philosophy. And you will find that philosophy and psychology are like neighbors really.

• For example: Descartes articulated the idea of neurotransmitters back in his time with his work "Passions of the Soul", and that was written back in 1649. His work is arguably the foundation on which contemporary psychiatry has been established.
  
  
  And so I encourage you to investigate your problems. Knowledge holds the key to happiness. As I was depressed I was simply unaware of various psychological doors which separated me from happiness, and I was unaware of my ability to open those doors myself. The power of the self to heal the self is astounding. On that note, here are some book recommendations for you.
  
  
• http://www.amazon.com/The-Consolations-Philosophy-Alain-Botton/dp/0679779175
  
  
• http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-10th-Anniversary-Edition/dp/1594488894/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334098673&sr=1-1

Please listen carefully to this audio seminar from Albert Ellis. He is considered to be one of the most influential psychologists in the world. His book has helped millions of people,i hope it helps you too.

I started with the recommended books on the right side in /r/meditation.

Mindfulness in Plain English - Vipassana for begginers. I tried it for a bit.

Then I did the "Just the simplified version, please" from FAQ and stayed with it for a couple months.

And somewhere along the line some redditor recommended Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan. Basically, it's a book written by an engineer from Google. It has lots of comparisons to computer science so it's fun and easy to read. It includes lots of easy and practical exercises to keep you motivated. It really helped me with my meditation practice. I finally understood how to breathe, how to use mindfulness in everyday situations etc. It's based on MBSR.

And what sold the book for me is the lack of all that esoteric stuff the other books have. It's grounded in science. There is no talking about salvation or revelation. Just hard facts and how to use them for your own benefit.

People have also failed miserably because they vastly overestimated their chances of success. People have achieved amazing things without overestimating their chance of success.

This sub is so lost. Y'all need to read The Antidote

Not giving a fuck is not about being positive all the time; needing to be positive all the time IS GIVING HUGE FUCKS.

She sounds like a smart one. Generally kids solidify the concept of death's permanence around 6-9 years of age. At four she seems very advanced. Is she experiencing anxiety about other things? This was recommended to me by a child therapist and the kids and I like it. It comes with a CD that includes 11 short medications where you are walked though mindfulness. It calms us all down.

THIS!

http://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116924

This book is fantastic. It's written by a Google engineer who did a fantastic job on introducing other engineers (!) to meditation and how it improves their daily lives.

"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counter-intuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson. (link to book)Not exactly a book to help find who you are, but it can help you start thinking differently and might help you discover what you really want to focus on in your life.

It's generally accepted that CBT or, to a lesser (but self-manageable) extent, mindfulness meditation are things that are known to work for such problems.

For certain causes of stress, books like https://www.amazon.com/Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination-Guilt-Free/dp/1585425524 or https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE might be helpful, but YMMW; it helps some but for many (most?) people reading self-help books aren't sufficient to do anything and actual activities (CBT, meditation or possibly others) have a larger chance to help.

The Four Agreements

>1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

>2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

>3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


>4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

"In The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love."

That might be a little too obvious, but, it is one of the most life changing books I've read.

https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom-ebook/dp/B005BRS8Z6

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Just don't get caught up in "I will love myself if/when I __". You have to practice it now, just as you are. I used to just say "I love you" in the mirror. I felt like a complete idiot at first. But it helped. I also recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0971030901/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1418232614&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40

If you are truly curious here is a link to "Why Buddhism is True" by Robert Wright.

In it he focuses on what psychology, philosophy and modern science including recent neurology can teach us about meditation. Just that, no god stuff no past life stuff just a thoughtful, skeptical assessment of what modern science and personal experience can tell us about our minds written by a superb author.

Ditch the "staying positive" mentality. Nobody feels positive all the time, and if they did it would be quite unnatural and pretty exhausting. We've evolved to experience negative emotions because they're useful (in appropriate situations).

Also ditch the mentality that happy life = problem-free life. Problems are intrinsic to life, there's no getting rid of them, the second you overcome one problem, a new one appears, that's just how life works. And not having any problems at all would actually get pretty boring after a while.

I recommend these two books: Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and Oliver Burkeman's "The Antidote". They sound controversial from the first glance (well, they are), but they will honestly change the way you see life, make you adopt a completely different perspective.

The best example of modern Stoicism I’ve ever come across was out of The Antidote. An older couple, Jocelyn and Keith, both had PHDs and a promising future in academia. But Jocelyn, at a fairly young age, ended up with a chronic disease that left her unable to care for herself. Keith basically became her full time care taker, money quickly dried up, and you can imagine what sort of life they have. By all hedonic measures their life is shit, yet they were happy. Their example is so unglamorous; fortune had fucked them over. Such an important lesson for me.

But Buddhism doesn't really start with any precepts. It's actually kind opposed to the idea of precepts. It's purely experiential. Meditation is really just about learning how to pay attention to your own mind. Meditation, per se is no more religious than doing pushups. If there is anything like a doctrine, it might be the Four Noble Truths, but you don't actually have to accept those and none of them are supernatural.

Edit.

If you're at all interested, there's a book called Why Buddhism is True by Robert Wright, who is an evolutionary psychologist. The book explains the neuroscience of what goes on with Buddhist meditation. There's nothing religious about it, and the practice does not depend on any starting beliefs. It's just brain exercises.

The Happiness Trap: Link

Great book to work with you on the personal level. Helps a lot when you're playing poker, especially when it comes to tilt control.

0- stop gambling
1- sidebar books
2- MAP will be key

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00DINECUU/

His MMSLP2011 book is part of the sidebar. But you sound so lost I think you need some tactical guide- not just a lot of really deep and good ideas. DO read the rest of the side bar but the MAP will help you identify specific areas of your life that are deficient help you rank them and task you with improving them each.

How does one even start?

You put your head down and put one foot in front of the other and keep fucking going. Action not words and thoughts alone.

Je te le à book that can help toi. I wish toi thé Best

https://www.amazon.fr/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom-ebook/dp/B005BRS8Z6

Cheri Huber's books are outstanding for motivation/insight into awareness practice. There Is Nothing Wrong With You and What You Practice is What You Have are excellent for seeing the egocentric negative self-talk for what it is and developing a loving attitude toward practice.

Disclaimer: My comment is not providing material that will be a good guide to Buddhism / how to be a Buddhist. But they are my go to recommendations for people with no background/prior knowledge of Buddhism who are looking for a some secular thoughts that are Buddhist inspired.

• Dan Harris's 10% Happier (Also check out his podcast with the same name)
  
  
• After Buddhism by Stephen Batchelor
  
  
• Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
  
  And for good measure, you should absolutely read The Dhammapada.
  
  I am biased (or maybe hopeful is the right word), but I really believe that we're on the precipice of a new thought-movement in reaction to the consumerist culture we live in. I don't think it will be Buddhist, but I believe it will be Buddhist inspired to an extent.

My mom, a third grade teacher, uses this in her classroom and loves it.

And I've always thought that there's a lot of stuff someone could do with jedi meditation. They're all about mastering their emotions, seeing reality, etc. Just some quick thoughts. Great idea OP!

I've heard good things about CBT and two books: rational living and feeling good

Good luck to you!

Have you read Make Your Bed? It's based off of this speech, but goes a little deeper. I wouldn't say it's a life-changing book, but a good reminder of things we should probably be doing in our lives. It's a short, easy read. I read it in one sitting.

Best two books I've ever read on meditation:
Sharon Salzberg Real Happiness
Link: http://amzn.com/0761159258

Pema Chodron How to Meditate
Link: http://amzn.com/1604079339

I have fought this dragon, I have some weapons to share. It's a big dragon, and detailed examples help, so this is a long post. For even longer-form content, here are some books I can recommend:

• The Defining Decade
  
• Feeling Good
  
• The Inconsequential Child: Overcoming Emotional Neglect
  
• 10% Happier
  
  Here are your weapons, in no particular order.
  
  First: understand that you are not broken.
  
  You are having a tough time deciding on a course for yourself. That's okay. You are having a tough time finding joy. That's okay too. You don't think "anything is worth it". That is okay, and it presents you with a goal: to find enough meaning that the effort will be worth it. That goal probably seems far fetched, but it is possible.
  
  I used to think that I was broken. I used to think that the things people had done to me and the circumstances of my life had left irreparable harm. I was wrong, and you are wrong too. You are imbued with the same worthiness as every other human being, no matter what. You are worthy of love and happiness, you are worth respecting, you are worthy of having a supportive group of friends, your opinions are worth hearing. You deserve sincerity and honesty and you are allowed to fuck up.
  
  You're also 20, and it is understandable if you don't know how to do most things, as you have never done most things more than once or twice, if ever. You can learn and improve yourself through effort. You are not broken.
  
  Second: understand the difference between thoughts and actions and feelings.
  
  When we have thoughts, they are not a direct experience of the world, they are a projection of reality into language. Thoughts are "said" by your internal narrator, which is part of you, but not all of you. Deliberate or practiced (i.e. automatic but not reflexive) actions are the physical equivalent of thoughts.
  
  Feelings are a direct experience of your physical body: you feel hungry, you feel tired, you feel a tight muscle in your back, you feel anxious. Babies without language feel these things too. These feelings are part of you, but not all of you, because they are temporary.
  
  If you have never paid attention to your thoughts vs. feelings, that's okay. But self-awareness is a powerful ability, and will make your life a lot easier, and it can be learned.
  
  Third: upward spirals.
  
  Feelings naturally become thoughts and actions. We practice it all our lives. An aching pain becomes "Ow, I should stop.", a feeling of abandonment becomes "They don't want to talk to me". Your mapping is not fixed and can be improved with practice: marathon runners translate their aches into "I should change my form," social people translate their feelings of abandonment into "I miss them, I'll reach out and see if they want to talk".
  
  No feelings->thought translation is "better" or "worse" than any other, there are only "upward" and "downward" spirals. Upward spirals are mappings where negative feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to positive feelings; downward spirals are mappings where positive feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to negative feelings.
  
  So, you want to learn to work in upward spirals. This means you need to be willing to try difficult things, and risk failure, which is scary but not fatal, and infinitely rewarding. If you are risk-averse, that's okay. You can take as small a risk as you are comfortable with, it will develop a sort of meta-confidence about your ability to handle future risky situations.
  
  cont...

Check out the work of Eline Snel, who has successfully taught children to meditate in schools. She has a book called Sitting Still Like a Frog, which is very popular and is targeted at children as young as five.

https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness/dp/1611800587

Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!

Here are your smile-ified links:

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama

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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly bot

Also I just read "The Illustrated Happiness Trap" (currently reading the full version now) and it's pretty phenomenal. Worth a look.

I learned some great techniques from Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation. I got the audio cd and just listened to the guided meditations.

S/O to /u/kw2002 for recommending
https://www.amazon.ca/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062641549/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1517184603&sr=1-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f+ck
like a month ago.

Pretty good book. If anyone wants my copy lmk.

Like the others have said, there are a variety of reasons why you might be doing this. One potential problem is that you place to much value on what others think of you, and think that lying will raise yourself in their esteem. It probably won't be an easy fix, but it's good that you're willing to make a change. Check out "Lying" to learn about why people lie. Try The Four Agreements for a practical guide about how to make improvements in your life (one of the agreements is to 'always be impeccable with your word')

I'd recommend (just off the top of my head):

• The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Mingyur Rinpoche
  
  
• The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler
  
  Most of Thich Naht Hanh's books go into this in one way or another too. Basically if you read a book by any Buddhist teacher they'll go into this at least a little bit.

• Getting Right with TAO presented the Tao te Ching in a way that resonated strongly.
  
• Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) introduced me to mindfulness as a daily practice—as opposed to just something I'd go to when all else failed.
  
• The Third Age of the World: Magic and Science in the 21st Century gives a good origin story for the confusion and apparent brokenness that appears to dominate human civilization right now, as well as a lens through which all religions and mystical traditions can be seen to be talking about essentially the same thing. It goes even further and proposes testable, falsifiable hypotheses for the model it puts forth.

From way down deep in the article:

> ... practical training in mindfulness [that] teaches the basics of meditation.

And you can buy the book:

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace).

I'm about half way through this, pretty solid so far. It teaches you mindfulness techniques that is taught at Google.

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062116932/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_XK-PCbMT0AZ0E

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.

I read it when I was 18 and learned that I can choose to let things bother me. Now I'm pretty good at letting things roll off my back.

There can be materialist ideas that are pretty close to "mysticism", like the Russian cosmists, or the simulation argument. And on less cosmic versions of "mysticism", there are also plenty of attempts to connect the subjective elements of "mystical experiences" to materialist understandings of the brain in ways that argue the mystics might be intuiting deep truths about the basic dynamics that give rise to consciousness, as in Zen and the Brain and Why Buddhism is True.

If you get a chance I'd highly recommend Dan Harris's 10% Happier

https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423

Many people here seem to take your assertion in the context of logic, and I think your example made it clear that that's not the right context.

Ellis and Harper expand in your idea in A Guide to Rational Living. I think you might enjoy it (if you haven't already read it :).

Thanks for the list. I also recommend Search inside yourself. It explores meditation, emotional awareness, mindfulness, attention and unlearning. It's from a Google employee who created their mindfulness program.

http://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving/dp/0062116932

I like this. Makes me think of my own gratitude practice that I do daily, where I literally force myself to write down three things that I'm grateful for each day. It forces you to look for things to be positive about, and before long you become tuned in to that positivity and start seeing it everywhere.

It also reminds me of Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant.

It can seem dumb to people, but it works

> how does one improve social skills?

Reading some books on how to deal with social anxiety may help. This one has pretty good recommendations. Mark Manson also has an easy to read book.

For myself, I enjoy stoic literature. It's good to know that even during times of hell, you can still find some inner peace in your mind. The point of stoicism isn't to imagine that bad things don't happen, but that you are much more capable of dealing with terrible situations than you would otherwise think.

That's the spirit. Btw I recommend this book, you might want to try it out :) "The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can DoTo Get More of It" http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005ERIRZE

I know he likes Dead Wake by Erik Larson

And of course 10% Happier by Dan Harris

Aside from sheer hunger, there also might be a psychological issue related to willpower at play for some of us. McGonigal cites research suggesting that when we effectively discipline our selves in one area, we often turn around and, against better judgment and perhaps outside of our awareness, give ourselves license to indulge in another area. I don't know what the quantifiable differences are upon hunger from a 5, 10, 15+ mile run, but I do know that the more I run, the more I tend to fudge on good choices later that day. Might just be me though.

May I recommend a book? I've meditated for years and never really 'got it' until I read a book called "10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story" by Dan Harris
https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423

For some reason it clicked for me. I've been doing mindful meditation for a few years now and it's changed my life.

10% Happier is also a good mindfulness book to get started with .

Video here

Book here

These books helped me:

https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423

https://www.amazon.com/Real-Happiness-Meditation-28-Day-Program/dp/0761159258/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=SN2FXVZ6H0FJK2JRJZ16

As 10% Happier, it was helpful for me to hear a scientifically-based, non-religious, non-spiritual grounds for meditation.