Reddit mentions: The best books about inner child

>I'm not quite happy with my dating life, but I'm not sure there's a way for me to be happier. I still feel like I'm doing the best I can... Which is a sad thought, as I'm not doing very well, of course...

If you want to improve your outcomes, you need to change what you're doing. But I think before you get to that point, you need to adjust how you relate to yourself.

>I try to be honest with myself. I don't quite understand why I would "live in the present," when I know full well that there is a tomorrow. I knew since high school that I wanted to go to law school, and I did it, and it seems to be going well for me. I plan. It's who I am. I'm critical of myself when I have something to criticize, because if I'm not, that's dishonest, isn't it? I should know my weaknesses, and account for them, right?

This is what I mean by intellectualization as a defense mechanism. I know it well. Here's an analogy that helped me. Think about how most really hot girls live their lives. They get by on their looks. They focus on their looks. They invest in their looks by going to the gym, curating an impeccable wardrobe, tanning, spending hours on makeup, growing their hair out, etc.

Sure there are exceptions, but in general most people that are gifted in a specific area, tend to over rely on that talent. This is equally true of intelligent people, who place too much importance on being smart, and not enough importance on being themselves. And there is a distinction between your conscious, higher mind, and you as a person.

Getting in touch with your whole self (your sexuality, your unconscious, your body, your emotions) in the present isn't dishonest. Always living the future is. Because it's an escape from where you really are.

Some good books on this are:

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Healing Your Aloneness

Iron John

Anyway, I know how hard this stuff can be. I've worked on it for years and will likely never be finished. And if you are a smart person it can even be harder because your mind will be able to invent very compelling rationalizations for avoiding growth.

I went to inpatient in Utah, they went shopping for us once a week. We could order stuff online too. We weren’t allowed to have food (except candy we could keep behind the staff counter). Check the electronics policy - most places, due to HIPAA, any electronics with cameras or WiFi aren’t allowed, but we could have music players without cameras or internet capability. Bluetooth speaker is nice. Bring books, art supplies, workout stuff, maybe some games if you have them. I killed a lot of time making friendship bracelets, reading Harry Potter and stretching/practicing handstands.

I sent these to my best friend when she was in inpatient and everyone loved it.

I liked having small comforts from home. I brought an oil diffuser. A couple others had them and we would trade scents and oils. If you have a favorite pillow/blanket bring it. Lots of comfortable clothes. Nice lotions or toiletries. They confiscated anything with alcohol in the first few ingredients, but we were able to check those out from the staff desk. Bring flip flops/slippers so you don’t have to put on shoes every time you leave your room (we weren’t allowed to walk around in pajamas or barefoot)

Really, it depends on the facility and what is allowed and expected. Some are very hospital psych-ward like and super restricted, some allow you a lot of freedom. I went to a really boujie one that my job paid for and we had a lot of scheduled activities throughout the month. Mostly it was just boring though, honestly.

I'll just recommend you my last read: The Art of Letting Go by Jakob Graf. Even though it's not that popular, I really enjoyed it and will attach you my review down below:


The Art of Letting go: Daily Motivation

I recently came across this pretty interesting book - "The Art of Letting Go" by Jakob Graf. After I've previously read my fair share of books that would fit into that kind of self-help/spirituality category, this one turned out quite different (and to be honest - kind of refreshing).

Unlike most authors in this niche, the author, a young cultural anthropologist, martial artist and actor doesn't try to lecture any of his principles, but rather takes you on a journey through his life, his experiences and the multicultural environment he works and lives in.

I think the introduction of the book is quite useful to give you an idea of what this book is about: 

“The Art of Letting Go” is based on the Buddhist idea that life is full of attachments. We are attached to a work-life, a lover, a family, parents, material things, spiritual beliefs and of course our own ego. If not correctly reflected, attachments have the potential to control or overpower us. By changing our perspective and being open to fundamental changes, we can create new motivation and free ourselves from unwanted attachments. Old attachments and conditionings hinder us to reach new goals, but they can be overcome if we learn to let go.

I really enjoyed this one because instead of teaching theoretical concepts and ideological beliefs, this book has helped me to see the world from a different angle and equipped me with a new paradigm in terms of attachments.

Summary / Structure: 

The first half of the book focusses on the importance of how we see things. What is our attitude toward anything and everything? With examples from his own life, the author shows how the choices we make shape us, and that we must learn how to make them consciously.

The second half of the book gives a more practical approach on how to tackle life in all its forms and facets. Practicing Martial Arts and Buddhist philosophy throughout his life, the author refers to these as his cornerstones in “Art of Letting Go”. Structuring and mastering his little universe of Kungfu gave him the blueprint to structure the big universe of his life.

Rating: 4.5/5 


I hope this will help !

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ACA Big Red Book is for "Adult Children of Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families."

You qualify to attend ACA due to being an adult child of a dysfunctional home. The authors of the ACA book realize that dysfunction in the home due to mental illness or other dysfunction creates similar effects in adult children as alcoholism, therefore the process for healing is the same.

You qualify to attend ACA due to your dysfunctional family.
It does not matter whether you are addicted or not. You can be a "double winner" and attend AA and also ACA.

Just like how you can be a double winner and qualify to attend AA and also Al-Anon. You can attend Al-Anon whether you are addicted or not. Same with ACA.

Honestly you don't even have to attend - the red book is just amazing to read. And where I live anyhow ACA meetings are VERY hard to come by.

Here is the book:
http://www.amazon.com/ADULT-CHILDREN-ALCOHOLICS-DYSFUNCTIONAL-FAMILIES-ebook/dp/B008YH705E

This is the book used today in ACA and I assure you it is very different from the AA blue book. The list of 12 steps in the book is the same list as in AA. But the chapters describe a hugely different method of working the steps. I urge you to take a look at the red book. It is chock full of healing messages like learning how to be your own loving parent, how to work on self-love and self-understanding. It talks about how we need to take an inventory of our parents also, because we have internalized them and now use this critical parent voice on ourselves, and it includes "holding our parents and family accountable for their action and inaction."

Alternatively - if you are fed up with 12 steps alltogether - you might want to read Charles Whitfield's book I referenced above - many of the same healing concepts around inner child work that are used in the ACA book are in Dr. Whitfield's book.

Oh my goodness thank you for taking the time to share all of that!

I am very interested in this. Often when we are working with affirmations or new beliefs it is like forcing the new positive belief over the old negative one. And people can have a very hard time with that, not believing the new chosen belief/affirmation because the old one "competes" in a way.

What you are describing sounds a lot like some of the therapy techniques of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, and Inner Child Work.

CBT: states we have a hierarchy of types of thoughts and beliefs, ranging from shallower/more on the surface, "automatic thoughts" which are based on more deeply held "core beliefs" - "I'm not good enough" or similar, and they are all interconnected, and the automatic thoughts we have fleetingly throughout the day, or our inner monologue, represents these more deeply held (and often flawed/dysfunctional) beliefs about ourselves (ex "I'm unlovable"), others (ex. "Others will hurt me, so respect the worst"), the world (ex. "things always go badly for me"). CBT just works on fixing the thoughts, not with figuring out where they came from. I personally find this approach lacking. I needed to understand why I had negative thoughts and beliefs, not just try to change them.

Psychodynamic therapy involves going backward to identify where in childhood our beliefs and coping mechanisms and ways of relating to ourselves, the world and others came from, to gain understanding of the source and then modify as needed.

Inner Child Work is very similar to what you are talking about and its about relating to that hurt "child" part of us that didn't get what they needed in childhood and now feels hurt and scared (etc) and how to step in as our own "loving parent" and to reframe these experience and provide to ourselves through compassionate inner dialogue and self care what we needed then and now.

Pete Walker has a good website on this and what he refers to as "emotional flashbacks"
http://pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

Also coming to mind is a book called "The Presence Process" by Brown who gives a detailed program for "integrating" old stuff by going backwards and identifying where our negative beliefs come from.
https://www.amazon.com/Presence-Process-Journey-Present-Awareness/dp/1897238460/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520080673&sr=8-1&keywords=the+presence+process

In my experience you don't have to be overly particular about how far you can go back and how precise you can be. Even if you can identify a general theme or feeling, and track back to when you recall that feeling in your childhood to identify where the belief might have come from: ex,: "My mother always checked my homework, and that made me think I must be stupid or untrustworthy" - then that's enough to realize where something came from and start to undo it, saying to yourself, "No, I was fine and smart. I got all As and some Bs. My mother was just overly concerned with how our family appeared to others due to her own insecurities. That had nothing to do with me. I am smart and I am trustworthy."

Again, thanks for sharing all you took the time to write, and I think if you are interested in this sort of thing there are others resources that cost less than $5000 you can look into do do similar work.

"Healing your aloneness" by Chopich and "Inner Bonding" by the same authors are also good books with a similar theme.
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Aloneness-Finding-Wholeness/dp/0062501496/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520080700&sr=1-1&keywords=healing+your+aloneness

https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0062507109&pd_rd_r=AACBA3RGXQS6G568WF8W&pd_rd_w=WEflm&pd_rd_wg=99z8l&psc=1&refRID=AACBA3RGXQS6G568WF8W

My therapist taught me a 4 step process to do this when something happens that triggers me feeling those old negative beliefs:

1. How do I feel?
   
   
2. What does this remind me of?
   
   
3. What decision did I make then?
   
   
4. What decision can I make now?
   
   
   That process was immensely helpful to me to journal on events to rewire my negative beliefs that were based in old experiences.
   
   Namaste!
   
   (edited to add links)
   
   
   
   

Take some small steps for yourself. Don't worry about how they look or if it hurts your pride. Some small things like this could go a long way towards feeling better and having better habits long term. I'm decreasing my usage slightly since I have a similiar cycle. I love being active and thc makes being active more strenuous, difficult, and laborious for me. One thing I totally recommend grabbing some cbd vape pens. Helps tremendously with cutting back smoking or vaping. Still decreases stress, depression and anxiety so that is still provided to you.

I'm basing most of my assumptions on attachment theory and I'm fairly certain you and I have similar attachment styles.

They have recommendations in there for anxious attachments and I think specifically for us they recommend getting into self-help and using some form of mindfulness therapy to deal with anxiety. Inner Bonding and Vipassana meditation are what have helped me the most.

I really can't recommend therapy enough though. A good coach helps a lot if you can commit to 6-12 months.

I found this but I will have to agree that the illustrated Larousse will probably be your best bet.

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child

How to Survive Your Childhood Now That You're an Adult

The Inner Child Workbook

Affirmations for the Inner Child

Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to your Inner Child

Here's my take on things. I'm in a similar position to you. I'm clean now, but spent way too long smoking way too much and still accomplishing plenty, being seen as a high achiever, etc.

Every time I would quit - for a month or longer, I'd eventually do the same thing you described. Think I could moderate and before I knew it, I was out of control again.

Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.

I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.

There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473347900&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+the+shame

https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109

Good luck!

This book helped me a lot as I went through therapy. It is AMAZING.

https://www.amazon.ca/Healing-Your-Aloneness-Finding-Wholeness/dp/0062501496

>Sovereign Citizen’s Cut-Out Kit – This is a book that can be purchased from many retailers such as Amazon or Barnes & Noble. It describes the movement and the theory of how to remove oneself from government control.

​

Amazon needs to not sell that.

"Grow the Fuck Up" by John Kyle.

https://www.amazon.com/Grow-Up-Elephant-how-graduation/dp/1511720247

Its written more for 18-22 year olds, but it really does cover just about everything you would want a book like that to cover.

*Grow The F**ck Up was suggested a while back.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1511720247/

Grow the F*ck Up

Gotta say, it's a real game changer.

https://www.amazon.com/Grow-Up-Elephant-how-graduation/dp/1511720247

I’m using this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553057936

Also, this book helped me immensly.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062507109?pc_redir=1404658036&robot_redir=1

On a different note, but something to at least check out - [The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood] (https://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Heart-Spiritual-Advantages-Childhood-ebook/dp/B00B3L7FU8) - (not overtly religious as I recall, though it's been years)

Behavior Modification: What it is and How to do it, sure, I'd recommend it. It's pretty fun to apply but kind of boring to read?

Yeah that therapist is a dick. Don't go back and see her even after you are sober a year.

You (like so many of us here) have an addictive personality. I am the same way with food weighing and tracking, I get obsessive about it and cut my calories so low it is dangerous.

Do you have other options for therapy since you have the tendency to get so intense about things? The possibility that cycling becomes your new running is very real. I'm literally copying and pasting a response someone left me on the thread "Day 2 & grappling with permanency" because it addresses the addictive personality that underlies the behavior. Hugs to you!

Wisdom from @thisismisterl:

Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.
I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.

There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473347900&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+the+shame

https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109