Reddit mentions: The best death & grief books

Yes, I also have a minor case of Asperger's (now redefined as Autism on a severity scale). Sometimes I feel that there's nothing that can help Asperger's, but that's just if I'm letting myself be negative.

After 20 days or so, I definitely see a noticeable improvement in my openness with people, and my ability to express my true intentions when talking to people, even including complete strangers, to a degree. So keep at it.

However, one other major factor in my life right now is my practicing of mindfulness. Some people get into "meditation," and I quote it like that because I mean it as a formal meditation practice, where you physically sit down and do it, as compared to the meditation you can do in day to day life. I have done formal mediation sittings, and possibly I should make a point of getting back into those, but as long as you take time from your day and truly stop and do nothing, that can be considered the same thing.

Mindfulness, to me, is the process of taking a look at things from your heart instead of your mind. Letting things be and loving things exactly as they are (even if they are "bad"), so that you can then act out your life from your place of true intent, instead of from your reactive mind, which already confuses itself. I feel that being mindful of our actions and all things around us is one of the most useful ways of improving your happiness as an Aspie.

For example, if you are not where you "want to be" in your life, such as the conditions of no girlfriend, bad job situation, poor social life, etc., then the first step is to truly accept these conditions simply as they are! Whatever situation you are in, that is the exact place that you should start from since that is the only place that is reality. Just like if you wanted to travel to the other side of the world, at first it would seem like an daunting task, but if you lined up a car, plane ticket, hotel reservations, travel money, and a passport, then you could just take the steps one by one and go on your trip. The same is true with your life. You must start where you are, and with your life, "starting" from exactly where you are means accepting exactly where you are, deeply. From there you can take the next step openly and freely. If you don't accept where you are, your Autistic mind can easily get swept away in the "what-ifs" and the negativity. At least I know mine does if I'm not careful.

I know this isn't exactly what you asked, but it's what I can offer as advice as a fellow NoFapper/Aspie. I feel that mindfulness is extremely helpful with our condition. If you can do it right. There's no "right" way to be mindful, but I guess you can say there are wrong ways. At some point, if you can sift through the thoughts and sort out the ones that make you suffer from the ones that don't, then that is your answer. There are no right answers, there are only your answers.

Two books that have helped me on my journey are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which has been mentioned on NoFap before, and Loving What Is by Byron Katie (also mentioned before). The first is almost like one of the quintessential books on the topic, but can be a little more vague if you're not good at understanding "deep" stuff, although he does walk through some stuff in a pretty matter of fact way. The second is more practical look at things that utilizes a process known as "The Work" that helps you dissect negative thoughts and find out what is really true for you. And trust me, once you start acting out from a place of who you really are, and how you really feel, it's awesome!

It's not automatic. It's a work in progress. But it's great having another tool that goes with you. Whenever you have a "problem," you are in your mind, in your thoughts. Trust this. When something happens in the day, if you feel something's not right, you can apply some of the concepts, such as just coming back down to reality and feeling the energy in your body (Eckhart), or you can go through The Work and ask yourself, "Is that really true? Where would I be without that thought?" It's almost like you can be your own little Reddit, and answer questions for yourself! Lol.

tl;dr Mindfulness combined with NoFap can definitely help you see the improvements if you have Asperger's. It seems like mindfulness can help with NoFap, and vise versa. If you resist the urge, you are training yourself to be mindful, and if you can be mindful, you can resist the urge.

Here are links to those two books, if you are interested. If you'd like and can't afford, I'll buy them for you:

The Power of Now

Loving What Is

Fuck yes, meditation completely turned my life around since I started doing it last summer. Zero medication, high-paying salary (just got the job) and starting a family with my wife. Life is good.

This is a nice little summary of my adventures in self-improvement over the last year. It's long, but hopefully has some useful stuff for you guys:

**
Like reality, it was messy. I was lucky enough to have ADHD co-morbid with depression. So much fun!

I tried the chemical + traditional psychotherapy route first. Learned a few things. Tried something like 5-6 anti-depressants as well as a few stimulants here and there for ADHD over the years. Lets just say that this was a dead-end for me, and an expensive/unpleasant one at that.

Probably the biggest single factor to start things off (at 26) was meeting my wife. Having an external motivator (something to give a fuck about) is more helpful for self-improvement than some people might realize. However, it will not fix your shit, I promise. I discovered the things that helped me while being with her, but she did not herself fix a goddamn thing ;).

But as to the specifics? I've covered a few of them in my other comments and I'll copy-pasta a few in here along with some new additions.


Meditation

I don't put this out there lightly. It's a discipline and requires effort. Daily. Yes, as daily as you can manage. A quote from this article from Time Magazine:

> One recent study found evidence that the daily practice of meditation thickened the parts of the brain's cerebral cortex responsible for decision making, attention and memory

Unless you're like my wife and already posess an absolutely phenominal memory/attention span, meditation is the skill you will use to work on all of the other skills you need to quit sucking at.

I just so happened to read a book on meditation from Audible. Then I looked up meddit's book list and read a few more.

I've been meditating almost daily since last year and life has improved massively in about a bajillion ways. If anyone is actually curious for the details, please ask!

Mental Voodoo

So, one of the interesting concepts I discovered during my research into meditation is the idea of "no-self" from the Buddhist tradition. That is direct knowledge from your own perspective that the "self" (e.g. ideas, feelings, memories) encoded in your evolved-ape mind is a fabrication. The notion of an eternal or detached "you" that is. I'm usually crap at explaining this part so please chime in if you suck less at it.

I gained a lot of knowledge regarding the subject, but the real trick was knowing the reality of it in a subjective sense. That is, to *really accept the reality of it. In writing, it probably sounds similar to accept a new belief system (philosophical, religious, whatever), but it's the exact opposite.

It is accepting the truth of things in the moment as they are happening, and then letting that truth go. If it's actually true, your opinions/thoughts/feelings on the subject don't really fucking matter in any objective sense. What is, is. What isn't, isn't. If "you" really exist, then letting go of that truth won't really affect anything in reality. Unless it does ;). But probably not.

Ciaran Healy has actually written something rather revolutionary on the subject called "One Song". It even has a falsifiable thesis! Science nerds know why this is important. Anyhow, it's long as fuck, but this guy pretty much nails the fundamental problem of human suffering and how to tackle it at the source. It was actually some of Cairan's earlier writing that helped me understand this shit in a very visceral sort of way.

In addition, there is an unaffiliated group that will actually help you question your assumptions until you "get" it. Doesn't seem to work for everyone, and not everyone needs it, but for those that do it's life-changing. They're called Liberation Unleashed. Really nice people.


Fitness and Nutrition

Now that you're a monk on par with the Buddha himself, it's time to pay attention to the shit in front of you. The most obvious place to start is to get yourself not feeling like dog shit. Comparing how I felt a year ago to today, it's pretty depressing to think about what "normal" was to me. It was not normal. It was just shitty.

So I started lifting because my wife enrolled in the The Reddit Body Transformation Fitness Challenge. I started reading /r/fitness and bodybuilding.com and all the goodies in between. I chose StrongLift's 5x5 (daily progression) to get started for the fitness challenge, and then transitioned to Wendler's 5/3/1 (monthly progression) about 6 months in because I'm 30 and this shit is hard. I also do cardio shit as well because I want to be less fat.

Once I started lifting, I started giving a shit about eating right because MAH GAINZ! I do even lift, and nutrition is large part of whether or not you actually make any progress. That means calorie/macro counting, getting the right supplements and eating quality food. This has the added benefit of making you feel FUCKING AWESOME MOST OF THE TIME. Not all of the time, but your new "normal" after doing this for awhile makes your old "feeling good" really sad in comparison.

Here are the essential (best bang for your buck) supplements that you are probably failing at getting enough of:

• Vitamin D3 (If you're in a latitude where you're not getting enough sunlight or you are a huge nerd like me)
  
• Fish Oil (EPA/DHA)
  
• Magnesium
  
• Creatine
  
  Also, pretty much all of the above supplements will improve symptoms of depression if you are deficient. Seriously!
  
  Miscellaneous Thoughts - ADHD lol
  
  So that's a fucking novel right there. Meditation, mental voodoo, actually taking care of yourself in real life (as opposed to mental masturbation) seem to be very effective at extracting people from depressed or otherwise shitty states of being. This is all still ongoing for me. I lift four days a week, make sure my nutrition is on-track and attempt to pay attention to what's in front of my face instead of obsessing about my thoughts/emotions ad-infinitum.
  
  Sure, shit all still happens and I get thrown for a loop. I described "emotions" to my wife as being in a little boat on a big ocean getting tossed around. Emotions just happen for no goddamn reason in particular. BUT, they give you important information that you probably shouldn't ignore. Mediation is super-helpful for helping you learn which is which. Sometimes you just stay in your little boat and hold on for the ride, and do nothing else until the storm passes. Other times you need to row like crazy to get out of the way of that gigantic tanker coming your way.
  
  Compulsive thinking is another thing meditation/voodoo helps. You start to realize that your thoughts ARE NOT YOU. "You" are simply awareness of the moment. Emotions and thoughts fill in your awareness, but you absolutely do not need to entertain all of them. When you sit and watch your breathing in meditation (at least at my level) thoughts are still very intrusive and take your attention away. But then you bring it back to the breathing. And bring it back. And bring it back. Eventually, you get good at it! Thoughts/feelings become less compelling and you can let the less helpful ones go.
  
  I'm happy to answer in more detail if you have questions on any part of this folks. I've gleaned most of this from Reddit funny enough. It's nice to be in a position to give back.
  
  
  

Sweet pea,
You are an incredible woman. Based on your wise insights and ability to recognize various forms of manipulation, it is clear that you are in a class far, far above the man who is slowly, but relentlessly working to hold you as his emotional prisoner.

I have no doubt you can describe all the wonderful qualities he has; the bad things in life he’s been through; the sacrifices he’s made for you; and the vows you both made to each other; but at the end of it all is a simple truth: this marriage has served its purpose. It is time for you to move on.

You’ve learned things about love and partnership; jealousy and emotional manipulation; generosity and courage.

Therefore, You can be grateful for the wisdom this marriage has granted you, and you can honor yourself and your husband by proceeding with divorce.

You need to learn who you are without his influence and he needs to learn who he is without hurting you. Then, you both will be free and ready to move on to better things. You both will be free to find partners who are right for each of you.

So, when you doubt whether his bad outweighs his good, remember that it isn’t a matter of scale, it is a matter of compassion and compatibility.

Yes, you are young. But, the emotional toll that divorce takes can make the next few years fly by in a whirlwind. When you hit 30, things change. Mentally, physically, emotionally. If you always wanted children, now you’re on a clock. If not, but you know that in your heart you flourish in a healthy relationship, then you are on your own, determined clock.

I’ve been where you are and I’m still desperately constructing my new reality. It seems like only a few weeks ago I was 27. Now, I’m 33. In fact, just now I said “holy shit” when typing 33. Everything still feels so unreal, but I would not change my decision and I know that everything I do is in effort to make the most out of life. It is goodness.

If you take away anything, I hope that you’ll read the book that helped me through everything (decision, divorce, aftermath). It is Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed.

You are worthy.

The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.

Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.

Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:

• Philosphize This! podcast. Start with episode 1 and just listen all the way through. It's great and he even mentions Mormonism a few times.
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:
  
  
• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. The rest of this blog can be helpful, too. For example, here's a great recent article.
  
  
• This book. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The Audible version of this is really good, too, if you have a daily commute, etc.
  
   
  
  Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!

Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs secularbuddhism.com which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.

I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.

Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:

• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. Then continue to read other articles on the How to be a Stoic blog. It's a great resource.
  
  
• I'd recommend this book as well. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Finally, you should also read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I have an audio version from Audible that's excellent and I enjoyed listening to it much more than reading it, but there are free copies all over the place to download and read in Kindle if you just Google it.
  
  Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!
  
  
  

>Is it better to choose one and be consistent or choose one randomly everyday?

Depends on what you want out of practice really. It's my opinion you can skim the surface of a bunch of different methods or go much deeper into one or a few. If you want to strengthen loving kindness / metta listen to those guided meditations more, if you want to develop concentration listen to those more.

>Do i need the guided audio meditation all the time or should I try to meditate without them?

I highly recommend getting comfortable with sitting without them. They are great to get started, and can continue to be great for all of practice but I think they can become somewhat of a crutch. Personally I think of meditation as a practice for life, it's something that is intended to be done and benefit life off the cushion, and you can't exactly go around listening to guided tapes all day.

Guided meditations are a great tool, and just that - a tool. Use them until they are no longer needed then move on. Try sitting without them for a sit or two and see what it's like. You may like it or not. In the end it's all up to you and the style of practice that benefits you best.

>Which websites/books would you recommend for meditation for beginners ?

I personally benefited from Mindfulness in Plain English which is in the sidebar. Wherever you go, there you are is an amazing book that points very directly. I read it when I first started sitting and was blown away, read it a few months ago and was blown away again by the level of depth he is communicating that I did not pick up on previously.

http://www.audiodharma.org/ is a great resource for more Buddhist themed talks and guided meditations.

Kenneth Folk is a teacher who's style has greatly benefited me, his noting practice has been very transformational for me.

Shinzen Young has a bunch of great videos on youtube that are good for all levels of practitioners.

And lastly if you're up for it finding a local sitting group can be really helpful. It's really amazing to sit with a group of people, it can really strengthen your practice. Depending on where you are there are most likely a few Buddhist Sangha's which can be interesting to check out, and possibly a few secular meditation groups if you're not into the whole Buddhism thing.

There's more. I have a ton of experience with it.

One of the most important things for sane relationships is to NEVER ever under any circumstances ever blame anyone but yourself for your state of mind and your suffering and sorrow.

Never forget for an instant that how you're feeling is up to you and you alone. This was very hard for me to understand on a deep level at first but it got easier and easier with time and experience. People can fuck with you but you are the only one who can decide how you will react. You rule your mind and your life. Only you can decide how to process and react to all you experience.

I learned a lot from Marcia Linehan's Handbook which is intelligent, insightful and full of advice you can use right away for good results.

Most of what she learned was from observing herself and it shows. She knows of what she speaks in a personal and immediate way. I highly recommend DBT for learning social skills but never forget that skills are not enough if they are only covering up a mess inside. The mess itself must be addressed if we want to avoid living double lives with a placid exterior and a chaotic interior.

I wish you the very best. You are not "a borderline". You are a human being every bit as worthy as any other. Don't let the psycho-babble get to you. It is limited. Never forget that the goal of life is to enjoy your self. Enjoy what you are to the fullest. For me, enjoying myself fully at this particular time in my life, involves living alone with dogs on a remote mountain top far from other humans.

This is because there were some very important things I needed to learn about myself that I could not learn while constantly relating to other people. This hermit-life which excludes the influence of others, makes it possible to see my self very clearly. Finally I can see exactly what a self is.

When I was amongst people every day, I was too confused and too drawn into their images of me to get it straight. I do not intend to remain a hermit forever but it is a wonderful way of life for a while and for me it has yielded the most significant insights into what I am. I do not believe I could've confronted and learned about myself as deeply as I needed to while living with even one other human under the same roof. This is probably not true for all people with disorders but it was for me. Don't be afraid to leave the man-made for a while. Living in nature for a few years was the best way for me to learn to fully appreciate and love yourself. Now, I am happy and I still have trouble believing it. I never expected to love myself but it's awesome.

When I was married to a person with NPD, the way my day would go was never up to me completely. If I woke up in a good mood but the SO did not, my day wouldn't be good for very long. Finally, I got lucky and the SO found a better victim and I was free to go heal myself from all the wounds of my past. It has been absolutely wonderful doing this.

You sound EXACTLY like me. It's always hard to live like we do, and I'll give you some book recommendations, but I want to give you some pointers too that have basically kept me alive.

I saw so many therapists who did next to nothing for me. I ended up committing myself to a 100% voluntary psychiatric hospital. Everyone was basically in the same boat; we weren't crazy but we weren't healthy either. The treatment plan that they gave us was based on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is I guess somewhat new. It's meant for borderline personality disorder, but as someone who has PTSD, general anxiety, and clinical depression, I would HIGHLY recommend any books or workbooks or videos you can find on it. I like it because it helps you treat yourself rather than making you dependent on therapists, etc. It's all about reshaping the way you think and the way you handle certain situations. It's the best thing I've ever found that helps (and I spent 15 years in near-useless therapy before that!)

I also found that reading people's memoirs and even some fiction books really helped as well because they reminded me that I wasn't alone. See, it's hard with mental health because it's not like any other "diseases" that you can see. I think we often feel alone because it's so hard to tell when somebody is like us since depression and anxiety aren't conditions that are readily visible to the human eye. It's a sneaky illness that creeps up on you like a parasite and getting it to go away is a process, but it's still possible.

Just think about any positive thing you can, and don't let yourself find cons to it. There may always be negative aspects to things, but there are almost always pros as well. No matter how you feel, there's always somebody out there who could use your help. If you're feeling really bad, try volunteer work. It helps me sometimes. Also try going outside your comfort zone with things. Give yourself a thrill and discover something new that you can enjoy. I know it's hard to get the motivation or energy to do anything like that when you're depressed, but you have to force yourself. (It's called "opposite to emotion action" in DBT. Life saver.)

Anyway, here are those book recommendations:

• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
  
• DBT Made Simple
  
• The Expanded DBT Skills Manual for Self Help
  
• The Buddha and the Borderline: A Story of Recovery
  
• It's Kind of a Funny Story
  
• Anything by David Sedaris. He seems to be able to take what would seem like shitty situations and make them sound funny. I think it's kind of inspirational.
  
  A personal favorite author of mine is Douglas Adams. I'd recommend the Salmon of Doubt. No particular reason, he's just funny and it's nice to get your mind off things sometimes.
  
  I hope you feel better. I really really do :-)
  Feel free to PM me with questions.
  
  

Friend, first of all, you are so young. I'm 36, still pretty young and you are only half my age! :)

You are SO young. Life will get better. The teenage years are ROUGH. I remember how difficult mine were. Your brain doesn't even fully form until age 25.

First off, your health. You can start losing weight slowly by simply eating less food. Spread your eating out over the day rather than eating all at once. Try to walk every day for a few minutes. Then build your way up to 30 minutes a day. This will help you feel better. Eventually, you could play a sport or swim. You can do this for life.

Second, get this classic book. I don't know if you can get Amazon.com in your country, but you could try your local library.

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=feeling+good+by+dr.+david+burns&qid=1555549845&s=gateway&sr=8-1

I wish I read this book when I was a teenager. It will help change your outlook. It's a bestselling legend in America.

Now, onto friends. Try to pick a hobby that you like and find people that like doing it. When you talk to people, ask them about their interests. Try to get to know them rather than only talking about yourself.

I highly recommend you join a Church in your town. Make friends with the pastor or Priest. Most Churches have youth groups you can join. I joined a young men's group at my Church and made 3 new friends in a year.

Further, try to meditate each day. You can listen to ocean sounds on YouTube. This will help change your brain and calm you down.

Just take life day by day, live in the present moment and focus on that.

In summary, try to do these 5 things every day:

1.) Write some goals and work a little bit to achieve them day by day

2.) Exercise

3.) Eat less

4.) Live in the present moment

5.) Pray and join a Church

Try these suggestions and I guarantee you will be doing better by the autumn season. Let me know how it goes.

Some of these aren't on Amazon, but all of them outside of amazon are on my wishlist, is that okay?

1.) Something that is grey.

[This compilation of xkcd comics!] (http://www.amazon.com/xkcd-0-Randall-Munroe/dp/0615314465/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=I12D1D7CV12AVC) Though there aren't any formerly-unseen comics included, this is perfect for the lover of the famous (and always relevant) Xkcd webcomics.

2.) Something reminiscent of rain.

[This t-shirt for fans of Incubus that is apparently out of stock now, but I'm keeping it on my wishlist to gaze wistfully at.] (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/315rOsJeWzL._SL135_.jpg)
Incubus has always been one of my favorite bands, and all art that the lead singer (Brandon Boyd) produces is amazing, so I had high faith in this shirt being wonderful if I had the money to buy it.

3.) Something food related that is unusual.

[So I typed in "candy" and this popped up..] (http://www.amazon.com/LOCOMO-Rainbow-Hedgehog-Plastic-Baseball/dp/B00BRWH99K/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_2_49?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1376327288&sr=1-49&keywords=candy)
I'm not sure what I was expecting.

4.) Something on your list that is for someone other than yourself. Tell me who it's for and why.

[My mom has always wanted to learn calligraphy and someone recommended this book to me] (http://www.amazon.com/Learn-Calligraphy-Complete-Lettering-Design/dp/0767907329/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=I35YCU37X7E6Y2)
She paints signs for people, usually featuring newborn babies or pets, and she always has to print out a guide and trace it if her customers request a font for their name.

5.) A book I should read! I am an avid reader, so take your best shot and tell me why I need to read it!

[This compilation of postsecrets-- artistic postcards with secrets written on them-- that are all touching in their own way.] (http://www.amazon.com/PostSecret-Extraordinary-Confessions-Ordinary-Lives/dp/0060899190/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=I22JZDFLS686V8)
If you haven't heard of Postsecret yet, you should check it out [here] (http://www.postsecret.com/)

6.) An item that is less than a dollar, including shipping... that is not jewelry, nail polish, and or hair related!

I dunno!

7.) Something related to cats. I love cats! (keep this SFW, you know who you are...)

I have two cats, but I got nothing for this one.

8.) Something that is not useful, but so beautiful you must have it.

[This key from KeypersCove] (http://www.amazon.com/Handmade-Winter-Rose-Key-Necklace/dp/B00D3S4GVU/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376329005&sr=8-1&keywords=keypers+cove)
I had a similar one on my wishlist but it's out of stock now.

9.) A movie everyone should watch at least once in their life. Why?

[Cloud Atlas!] (http://www.amazon.com/Cloud-Atlas/dp/B00CRWJ5GO/ref=sr_sp-btf_title_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1376329072&sr=8-4&keywords=clouds+atlas)
Terribly confusing unless you see the [trailer] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWnAqFyaQ5s) first, it's surprisingly appropriate for this sub.

10.) Something that would be useful when the zombies attack. Explain.

[This climbing pick] (http://www.amazon.com/Omega-Pacific-Mountain-Axe-80cm/dp/B002J91R1G/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1376330277&sr=8-2&keywords=climbing+pick)
Ever played Telltale's The Walking Dead? Well, one character had a climbing pick that they used pretty frequently to scale buildings and kill zombies..it opened my eyes to the possibilities and dual uses of items.

11.) Something that would have a profound impact on your life and help you to achieve your current goals.

[This book] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotion-Thesaurus-Character-Expression/dp/1475004958/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) for my writing skills, I always have trouble finding just the right way to convey the proper emotion, plus I have severe social anxiety so it would help me figure out how to act in real life as well.

[Or this book by the famous Virginia Woolf] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Waves-Harvest-Book-ebook/dp/B004R1Q41C/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=IHP0D0N718720) just the type of writing style I'm aiming for.

[Or this book that I'm sure would help me with my technique.] (http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Tools-Essential-Strategies-Writer/dp/0316014990/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top)

12.) One of those pesky Add-On items.

Hm?

13.) The most expensive thing on your list. Your dream item. Why?

I used to have this on my list, but a [Geiger counter] (http://www.amazon.com/Radex-RD1503-RADEX-Radiation-Detector/dp/B00051E906/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376331004&sr=8-1&keywords=geiger+counter) because I'm paranoid about radiation and etc. Deleted it off my list because it's not useful for everyday life.

14.) Something bigger than a bread box. EDIT A bread box is typically similar in size to a microwave.

I got nothing on my list.

15.) Something smaller than a golf ball.

[These socks] (http://www.amazon.com/Portal-Chells-Aperture-Science-Socks/dp/B008JGPSJU/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=I2KUOG9B813AXT) because they're ultra thin and I'm sure they could be crumpled up that small.

16.) Something that smells wonderful.

I'd put something here, but there's nothing I'm sure of. [This book] (http://www.amazon.com/White-Fluffy-Clouds-Inspiration-Forward/dp/0974512001/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1KXQQYMQ3MHEJ&coliid=I16LKBYPI8BE5U) because it could smell like Brandon Boyd?

17.) A (SFW) toy.

I've got nothing!

18.) Something that would be helpful for going back to school.

[This shirt] (http://www.designbyhumans.com/shop/rising-t-shirt/13087/) because I find it amazing, oh my god oh my god.

19.) Something related to your current obsession, whatever that may be.

[I've been trying to learn Irish for quite awhile now..] (http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Irish-Michael-OSiadhail/dp/0300121776/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376331377&sr=8-1&keywords=learn+irish)

20.) Something that is just so amazing and awe-inspiring that I simply must see it. Explain why it is so grand.

[This poster, this poster!] (http://smbc.myshopify.com/products/dear-human-19x27-poster) To see what it's based on, the original comic is [here] (http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=2223)

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

i can very much relate to that feeling. you're actively changing things to shake it all up, but it's like wherever you go, whatever you do, you hit quicksand at some point. you start to slow down and eventually feel so stuck, you can neither go forwards nor backwards.

occupying your brain may be a short term remedy for this, but it seems like that's what you've been doing. what i need in those phases is to find a stable space inside, without having to rely on distractions or outside influences.

i think anti depressants maybe the proverbial canon used to shoot sparrows. there are so many things you can do to establish a baseline of healthy living, before being driven to taking pills.

are you sleeping enough?
do you eat healthy?
are you getting enough vitamin d? (vitamin d-deficiency has been linked to low moods. produced by the body when exposed to sunlight. can be an issue for people who are used to be outside, when they're suddenly holed up indoors. )
are you physically active? if you can't afford a gym and it's too cold outside, try out some bodyweight-exercises you can do at home with minimal gear. exercise for me has been the most effective and only 100% reliable anti-depressant for many years. working up a sweat once a day for 30 minutes did wonders for my mental clarity and physical wellbeing. if your body feels good, your mind will appreciate it.

have you tried meditation? you sound like you have some downtime, then this could be a good first step. check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787/ref=la_B000AQ12GA_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451140325&sr=1-1
it's a very pragmatic and pretty non-spiritual description of how and why it makes sense.


none of these things have been a one-stop remedy for me, but they helped me feel better, be more active, formulate wishes, dreams, plans and lead to more fulfilling activities.

be patient and don't be too hard on yourself or those around you. we all struggle. good luck.

SparklyChipmunk offered good advice.

To add to it, sometimes when a person is screaming at you, it can help a lot if you maintain a low, calm voice where they have to quiet down to be able to hear you. It can make them realize how loud they're being.

Something else that can help diffuse a BPD rage is validating whatever you can--look for something in what she's saying or feeling that you do agree with and let her know about it. BPD is very, very sensitive to perceived invalidation and validating them can help to short circuit that process and get their emotions to die down a bit and be able to actually hear some of what you're saying and not just perceiving everything as attacks against their very soul.

That said, if she never gets appropriate treatment, you can learn techniques to get along better with her, but all you'll be able to do is manage her and she'll likely not experience significant improvements. I'm not gonna tell you what to do because it's your life and your relationship, but if after trying to discuss the situation with her and trying to find a workable solution if things are still really bad do some serious soul searching to decide if this relationship really is worth it to you. It's your decision and I won't push you toward staying or going but be prepared to ask yourself these tough questions because even if she does get treatment you still are going to have a long, hard road ahead of you because while BPD is very treatable recovery generally takes at least two years, before you see remission or at least reach a huge reduction in symptoms although you can start seeing the first improvements pretty early on.

I have a very BPD FP and I had to ask myself these hard questions and I weighed the positives and the negatives and searched deeply in my heart. For me the answer was decidely yes: I am sticking with him. But for your situation you'll have to come to your own conclusion.

Anyway it's the middle of the night. Don't worry just yet about your relationship ending. Hope is not yet lost. Try the suggestions offered here and consider reading this book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. It'll teach you a lot about her mind and how to get along better with her and be happier. Give it some time and see how it goes. Then decide if you wanna continue with the relationship or not.

I wish you guys the best. May you both find happiness, whether it's together or apart.

This guy, Jon Kabat-Zinn, brought meditation into mainstream medecine. He's a really interesting guy. He's just one of hundreds of mindfulness/meditation sources out there but he's a doctor and understands it all scientifically, and thats great for those like me who can't relate to the hippie type meditation that most people think of when they think of meditation. That and he's very good, better than a lot of the stuff out there imo. He's written books and you can get audio cds of his guided meditations. I do these regularly and find them very good! Leaves me feeling peaceful relaxed and mindful. Best of luck!

hi, i'm a 38/f i was diagnosed 3 years ago but only got help about 2 years ago when i hit rock bottom.

1. when i was diagnosed i might have told my boyfriend at the time (we had been together for 8 years so i didn't think he'd leave me - and he didn't over that) didn't treat me different just because of the diagnosis, except for the fact that he tried to help me go to my dbt group and get to my therapy and shrink appts on time. yes i feel the stigma, but not from him.
   
   
2. yes, you will most likely have to deal with it for the rest of your life. i don't think it's cure-able, however, it is definitely something you can learn to live with. you can get information and read everything you can get your hands on. talk to people who have it, like us here, so you don't feel like you're the only one. it's good to have a support group. and get into dbt if possible.
   
   
3. since being diagnosed: well when i was first diagnosed i didn't give it a second thought.. i dismissed it and didn't do anything. i let it go. and then i ended up hitting rock bottom and i ended up going into the psych ward because i tried to kill myself. but after i got out i started to get myself straightened out. and things got smoother. it was a tough road. but one i needed to go down. and i'm a much better person for it. i'm no longer in that relationship i was in. i lost that one because of my bpd. but i'm in a better on because i was able to get myself straightened out. things got much easier after i got help.
   
   
4. hmmm i think i just about said it all. get help. do dbt if possible. make sure you have a therapist that understands bpd and dbt therapy. if they don't, then find a new therapist. trust me, you'll be better for it. the book "I hate you don't leave me" was a very good book, but a hard read. it made me cry. there's a book i want to get that i saw at the book store.. http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075 this looks like it's going to be an excellent book for anyone that is a significant other or parent or maybe even sibling of someone that has bpd.

I promise I'll give some specific recommendations at the end.

So, actually being able to do DBT and call it DBT is involved and fairly difficult. DBT folks (at least the bigwigs) are really big on treatment fidelity, which means faithfully reproducing what has been shown to work in their outcome research, which means a lot of resources. I'm not sure where you work and what resources you have available, but Linehan herself states that if you're not running skill groups in addition to individual therapy, along with having a treatment team for consultation, then you're not actually doing DBT. I've noticed that without all of these components present they prefer to call it "DBT-informed CBT." Just putting all of that out there for informational purposes.

That being said, you can most certainly integrate DBT concepts and techniques into your individual work, if that's what you do. It's just that there are a TON of specific skills and worksheets to choose from. It's a really involved therapy. There are many books available, but here are the ones that I've personally found useful in individual therapy and they seem to generally get favorable reviews:

DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition is straight from the source. Tons of information and reproducible handouts...almost overwhelming.

DBT Made Simple is a really good, simple (obviously) primer on basic DBT philosophies and techniques to get you started in individual work.

Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Practical Guide is really good. More in-depth than the Made Simple book and really gives a solid understanding of what to do in session.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is a solid DBT-based self-help workbook. I have recommended it to several clients and it's usually connected each time. It's a handy way for the client to think about concepts in-between sessions without it feeling like "homework" and it helps as a roadmap for therapy. Kind of acts as a little skill trainer in place of the group (I know, still not the same) since there's not enough time to focus on all of the skills in individual therapy alone. It actually works well for emotionally dysregulated clients in general, regardless of what the primary diagnosis is.

There's also a video of Marsha Linehan demonstrating DBT in session on psychotherapy.net that you may find useful. It offers CE credits as well.

You said it, I "made it through." I didn't thrive, I didn't leave with any real job prospects, and only remember instances of my experience. I ruined relationships, had breakdowns, switched majors a bunch of times, and dropped a whole semester. I had the courage to seek medical guidance, but the topic of bipolar never came up. I had quick fixes; taking adderall to get through the academics and ambien to knock me out of the mania at night. In hindsight, I didn't know any better and this couldn't be any more unhealthy. Thankfully, I also exercised and ate well. For a while I even had an off campus job that held me accountable. Still, I partook in self medication (drugs and alcohol) by telling myself I was just experimenting even though it always set me back. I drove my parents up the wall so much so my mother would show up unexpectedly whenever things got real bad.

I wore a mask about my problems. I was the funny guy in my fraternity. I let my antics become a part of my identity. I made decent grades (3.4 gpa) and also had two minors. However, there were many days when I would meander around campus aimlessly not quite knowing what the hell I was doing. Life could have been better. The key is focus, which is almost impossible for any length of time when dealing with untreated bipolar. Looking back, I see my college experience as positive.That's the only way to make any sense of anything is seeing the positive. It was an insular place that serves not just academics, but in social affairs without ruining your reputation before getting to the 'real world'. Would I want to do it again? Probably not and I would more likely skip college altogether, at least right out of high school, but that's a different topic.

Unfortunately, I was not properly diagnosed until about 4 years later. I switched jobs, had to live at home for a bit, sold everything by attempting to live off a motorcycle and was hospitalized twice; once by baker act, the other for extreme mania. Now that I'm level, life is much better. I got a job that brought me to an awesome city, have a gf, nice apartment, and am always looking for healthy ways to expand my horizons. I go to a bi-weekly support group, something I highly recommend. The earlier you are diagnosed and treated properly, the better off you are, so consider yourself lucky. The key is self-awareness, that you have to accept it. If not your problems will become exacerbated. Surround yourself with positive people, eat well/exercise and learn as much as you can about bipolar. There are more resources that you think. I recommend starting with this book http://www.amazon.com/An-Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Madness/dp/0679763309 and watch this documentary by UK celebrity Stephen Fry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj8hqXd7N_A Godspeed!

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

Trees by Warren Ellis and Jason Howard has a main character who is in a relationship with a trans woman. It's a pretty popular series that I actually don't like, so I can't personally recommend it, but don't let my opinion sway you because like I said it is pretty popular.

Low by Rick Remender and Greg Toccini has a lesbian character. She isn't the main character however, and her sexual preference really only plays into about one issue (at least as far as I've read, which is through Vol 2.) Low is one of my favorite ongoing comics right now, I highly recommend it.

I'm pretty sure Jupiter's Circle and Jupiter's Legacy have a few gay characters. I've never read either of the two (so I can't comment on them), but based off of this (NSFW), I'm guessing I'm right.

And in terms of graphic novels, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel is very enjoyable. It has a "sequel" as well called "Are You My Mother". They're both autobiographical, so you may want to avoid them if you're just looking for fiction, but otherwise I do recommend Fun Home (the "sequel" is still in my backlog right now.

I know it's hard to lose your mom, it's been almost 2 years since I lost mine. You will recover from this. Feel everything, no matter how irrational. Grief is messy. Hope you feel better.

I didn't have any Christian leanings, but after my mom died I kept hoping she was okay in an afterlife. One thought that has really comforted me in my despair is realizing that my mom is alive in me, in the effect she's had on me, in the memories, in the lessons she taught me, in the gifts she gave me, she's alive in the same way in my sister and her friends and so on and these effects ripple throughout life. So the truth is, as long as humanity is alive, a part of her is alive. I still sometimes do say "If there is an afterlife, I hope your happy and okay to my mom". All that being said, if Christianity resonates with you, it's your choice.

A couple of things that helped me get through the pain were journaling to my mom and reading this. The journaling can really help you keep a connection to the dead, give you some closure. The book is just a daily reader about grief and it was really helpful when I was so overwhelmed that it was difficult to think and function. It has little bits of wisdom and heart warming passages that I found very helpful.

Hope this helps.

​

​

I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:

• Meditating: the best way to re-program your brain IMO ("Wherever you go there you are")
  
• Teaching myself Jazz piano
  
• Diet (Here's my diet)
  
• Fitness (Here's my fitness bible)
  
• Career Development (This)
  
• Productivity & Time Management (too many books to mention, OP PM me if you want this list)
  
• Not watching Porn & Masturbating less frequently (Highly recommended /r/NoFap)
  
• No Alcohol
  
  For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
  
  For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
  
  This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
  
  Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
  
  
  Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
  "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
  "Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
  "The Talent Code"
  "Man's Search for Meaning"
  "Flow"
  
  Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
  
  
  (Edit: I suck at formatting)
  
  
  
  
  

A resource that’s helped me with accepting things as they are is regularly doing a process called “The Work” that was developed by a woman named Byron Katie.

She has IRL workshops you can go to—I have not gone to any of those. I have only read her main book and watched a bunch of her videos and listened to some of her audio recordings.

I regularly meet with a friend to do worksheets together (go to the “downloads” link and look at the “judge your neighbor worksheet” and “the four questions”).

My friend has gone to Byron Katie’s 9 day school for the work—I have not because it costs $6,000. You can definitely do the work without going to the 9 day school.

I think a lot of what Byron Katie teaches are things that one can also get to via psychotherapy or having a daily meditation practice. I think those are good things to do as well.

One thing about what you said in your post—you said you don’t like when people say that you will find a boyfriend because they don’t know for certain that you will. That’s true, they don’t. But it’s also true that you don’t know for certain that you won’t.

I think people who are able to be loving (towards themselves and other people) can find opportunities to give and receive love, and that no one is excluded from that.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. xoxo

I am 15 months into my ongoing healing process from the greatest loss of my life, so I'd like to share some things I've learned:

Rushing into another relationship is unsound advice, and most likely to hurt you and the next person you prematurely involve yourself with.

The best thing I can tell you is that healing from a loss is not like getting a cut on your flesh, where there is consistent and predictable healing. If healing from a physical wound is a straight line, then healing from an emotional loss is a jagged, swirling journey, where you sometimes take one step forward and 10 steps back. Don't get frustrated by these setbacks--just understand that the timetable for healing is not set, and trust in the heart's ability to heal:

"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it." --from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"

Don't make any rash life-altering decisions, don't turn to drugs or alcohol (which only postpone or subvert healing), give to those who are less fortunate than you, and surround yourself with family and friends that love you unconditionally.

Here is a link to the book quoted above, which I wholeheartedly recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

And another I'm in the midst of reading, which, so far, is also exceptional:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

This is a beautiful recounting of the Buddha's journey to understanding suffering:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Buddhas-Teaching-Transforming-Liberation/dp/0767903692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411858603&sr=8-1&keywords=heart+of+a+buddha

And this is a pocket book available for free from the Amida Society:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2040437.Heart_of_A_Buddha?from_search=true

For me, feeling her "fade away" from my memory was so hurtful that I would hold on to the pain to keep the memories fresh. That is not conducive to healing. What helped me was creating a document (I used Google Docs so I could update from anywhere), and whenever a sweet memory surfaced of something she did, said, or was, I would write it down. It provided a catharsis--like a treasure chest of everything she was. I no longer compulsively read it, but it is comforting to know it's there, and has definitely helped my healing process.

For the first six months of my loss, I could barely leave the house. Since I love movies, I started trying to find ones that contained people being kind to one another (they are very rare). They helped me in reconnecting to and believing in kindness again, and I found myself watching some of my favorites just to get myself to sleep at night. I compiled a few into an IMDb list:
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls056580941/

Take care of yourself
--D

Source: Losing my dear wife--the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known.

Hi, sorry for your sudden loss of someone very close to you. Everything you're feeling is completely normal. It's never easy to deal with the loss of someone you're close to. Grief has many faces, many different feelings will come up. And they're all natural and okay.

My mom died in December of 2016 and it's been really hard, and still is sometimes, but I will tell you what has helped me.

The first thing that helped me was to read this every day [Healing After Loss] (https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525687837&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+after+loss). The short little inspiring and touching passages and quotes helped me a lot when my concentration was very poor.

One thing I learned really quick was that grief has it's own seasons, you don't choose it much. It can be very overwhelming at times. But it does slowly get easier. I just try to be really kind and gentle with myself when I'm struggling. I ask for help more when I need it and take some extra time to care for myself or the feelings. And I let things slide a bit if it's not something really important.

Another thing you can do to manage the feelings, if done in moderation is to do some chores, take a shower, watch a movie, exercise, play a game w/e. But it's kind of a balancing act, because you need to feel your way through it, not avoid it excessively.

Another thing that can help a lot is to journal to your aunt, that way you can still sort of have a connection to her and also get a bit of closure.

Lastly, one of the most comforting thoughts to me is to realize that my mom lives on in me, in the care and support she gave me, in the shared interests, in the things she taught me, in the impact she had on every person she knew, in the memories. So even though she's not physically with me, she's here with me in spirit and she lives on as her impact ripples throughout life.

I know it's tough, my mom died suddenly too. It was shocking for me, and I felt angry that she didn't get more time and couldn't retire and just do what she loved. I felt upset that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I hope these suggestions help you. Good luck, hope you feel better.

I'm so glad that you're aware that this is a tragedy for both of you:

>My poor wife has never known what life is like outside of being a stay at home mom since our first was born while we were both in school.

>I’ve never had the chance to really get to know my wife.

If you do nothing else, I would buy this book: Tiny Beautiful Things

You see, everything you've been taught about love has been tainted and twisted to serve TSCC. There is more of love and self-love in that book than in just about anything else I've read. It will show you the landscape of love in a way that is tremendously healing.

I would also say that you might, gently, let your wife know that you wish you felt more connected to her inner life, and that you wish you were more connected to your own inner life. Maybe frame it in "The parable of the talents."

If you two never explore where your talents and interests really lie, how can you multiply them? Or something like that.

Understanding yourself and understanding your wife, and her understanding herself and you, can only do you two good. Even if you separate, that knowledge and affection will make that separation smoother.

But maybe you won't have to. Good luck. I'm so sorry for this tragedy. Look forward.

Have been in the exact same boat and I feel like it took me a lot longer to work through it than most. Also went from being very focused to not being able to focus on anything at all, worried about my job performance, unable to get out of bed on weekends, etc. Prior to my learning that Mormonism was false, I had never experienced a day of depression in my life, but after my world came crashing down it became a long, dark tunnel. Anyway, it's called an existential crisis if you haven't read up on it already. Give it time and keep working on things and I promise it will eventually improve. For what it's worth, these four books were game changers for me (check them out if you're interested:

• A Confession by Tolstoy. In it, Tolstoy describes how he navigated his own existential crisis. It's a short read and the link takes you to a free downloadable e-book.
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle. It provides an excellent approach for developing mindfulness and learning to accept life as it is.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning by Frankl. This is a heavy read, so if you don't like the first half, just focus on chapters 6, 7, and 8. It covers the intersection of religion and meaning in life.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle. Similar to the above "Power of Now." Focuses on being present, overcoming the ego, and accepting and finding peace in life as it's given.
  
  You may not agree with everything in the books above (I didn't) but they provided me with a lot of invaluable perspective in working through my own loss of faith and the existential vacuum that followed. Stick with it and know that you're not suffering alone! And I promise things will get better.

Since your diagnosis was recent I'm assuming that you haven't looked much into DBT yet. I strongly urge you to join a group. You'll find solidarity with the others there.

>therapy and everything just wants to teach me how I can handle living in this dark and lonely world

That's the truth of it, really. But it will help you to see that the world isn't entirely bleak. I see from your post history that you're well-acquainted with Buddhism, so the mindfulness principles of DBT should come easier to you than most.

For example, one thing you will learn is how to check the facts on your assumptions about the people around you. Take "everyone hates me" for example: do they really? They do the best they can for you, and care about you, and that's more than they're obliged to do for someone they hate.

Allow me to empower you for a moment. You imply that a razor is the only thing that you can trust not to leave you. And I know how comforting it is to unzip your skin and let it run. But remember: you are the one holding that razor. You can be trusted not to abandon yourself, because you are the one performing the action. The razor doesn't have autonomy, it's just a tool you're using. And that tool can be replaced with DBT skills once you learn to tune into your Wise Mind; that little nagging feeling in your gut, just before you cut, that says "I don't really want this for myself". But until then, just hold on.

Hope is your greatest weapon in this fight. Try and find a little part of every day that you're appreciative of. Maybe pick up a new hobby, get a pet or do volunteer work. Keep busy. L'appel du vide is muffled when you find what gives you hope, and do it often.

So darling, just hold on, please. It's incredibly hard, what you're going through. Myself and countless people here are on the same journey. Loneliness is part of us, but don't let it obscure how many people really care and understand. Focus on the present moment, and when you feel lonely, garner hope in a way that works for you.

Good luck. My inbox is always open if you need it.

Edit: If you have a little cash, I highly suggest buying a copy of The Buddha and the Borderline, written as an autobiographical account of the author's recovery from BPD. It's an intense read, so pick it up on a good day.

I'm 35years old and have recently been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea ~10 AHI. I've bought an auto CPAP and have been on treatment for around one week. I feel better so far although I'll need months to quantify the improvement.

Prior to this I was on a 1 month trial where I couldn't identify how crucial CPAP was until the trial ended (which I've been told is common for mild sufferers). It was around 2 months without treatment between the end of the trial and when I bought the machine a week ago.

Like you I suffered from chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, memory issues, brain fog etc. After treatment it was clear to me that many of the fears I had were based on cognitive patterns developed while under the effect of a physiological anxiety and depression.

So in plain english, things aren't likely to be as bad as you perceive them to be. I'm not trying to downplay the potential need for rehabilitation because now that I'm on CPAP I intend to create a brain rehabilitation plan that includes the items below.

For you in particular I would do the following:

• Read a few books on Neuroplasticity. (Eg The Brain that Changes Itself, The Power of Neuroplasticity)
  
  
• Get therapy to fix any maladaptive cognitive behaviours you've developed while under the influence of apnea created anxiety. You want a therapist specialised or familiar in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, get a self-help book like Feeling Good. Frankly, I think everyone should undertake some CBT sometime in early adulthood anyway, but I think you could use it in particular.
  
  
• Fix your habits now that your mind is working again. Create good sleep hygiene by cutting out blue light (f.lux app for computers/phones) and turning off electroncs an hour before you sleep (which should be ~10-10:30pm). Eat a balanced diet and supplement with Omega 3 fish oil for healthy brain function. Exercise ~ 3 times a week (preferably weights, but otherwise cardio/sport). Consider cutting down or eliminating alcohol and other drugs that may cause cognitive impairment.
  
  
• Take up Meditation which has been shown to improve executive function. 20 minutes per day concentrating on your breathing, nothing fancy. There are guides to simple forms of breath meditation all over the place.
  
  
• Non-electronic based brain teasers. Get a big book of puzzles and fit it into your routine. I recommend non-electronic because the semi-dissociative state induced by videogames doesn't activate all areas of your mind.
  
  
• Find a good memory training program. I don't have much experience with this yet, but I've heard there are some good books on this.
  
  
• If you have easy access to medical care, consider getting a referral to a neurologist for an MRI and talk your concerns over with him. Maybe there is little to no atrophy of your brain. You can't really tell from the inside except for poor memory/brain fog. Try getting another MRI in 6 months to a years time on your recovery regime to see how things have changed.
  
  Beyond all this I think its important to just do the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have available and not beat yourself up for what might have been and things beyond your control.
  
  Good luck.
  
  edit: broken links the bane of my life

BP 2, here. Is your gf on any kind of medication? Honestly, it doesn't sound like it, or if she is, she needs a higher dose.

There is a TON of info about bipolar disorder, and a large amount of information for loved ones who have a family member with bp. You just gotta look a bit harder.

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
and
The Bipolar Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know.

These are both great books. I can attest for the latter, especially. It has helped my mother and sister understand me a bit more.

Also, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness is truly an amazing book. It was the first time I felt like there were other people who got it, who understood. I highly recommend it for both you and your girlfriend. I wish I could emphasize just how much I recommend that book. It is really wonderful.

Most of all, your girlfriend needs to take a bit of responsibility for what is going on with her. Medicine and therapy.

Bipolar disorder is not something that goes away. But it is manageable. It took me almost 10 years to get my meds right, and find a place where I am improving - but you know what? I AM improving. Every day is a fight. But it is a fight worth winning.

I wish you all the luck. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Edit: After re-reading your post, I question if maybe you aren't spending too much time with your friend. I get he needs support, but you can't be his crutch. I could definitely understand if you're girlfriend is feeling a bit of resentment.

I attended DBT through my mental health care provider. However, there are lots of online resources for DBT.

General overview of DBT, as presented by mind.
http://imgur.com/gallery/Zs92ICm


https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0BxbhXNkT67stRnFiUXhNYW1iRVE (this link has lots of mental health resources, but to get specifically to DBT, look in the folder marked "Treatment, Therapy, and Medication.")

https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook-e19134904.html (the link to purchase this book is below)

https://behavioraltech.org/resources/resources-for-clients-families/

www.mind.org.uk

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

http://www.middle-path.org/

There's also YouTube videos (this playlist is good: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLb51Q732nMqeTJp05TQsE3YkCCY6p6_FS) (or search for DBT skills and/or Marsha Linehan).

On Pinterest at: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pinterest.com/amp/pin/231583605811059286/

You can also order the books online.

This is the book linked earlier in the thread.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D8UWM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1dd4CbN7T7HD3

This is the manual/workbook that I have. DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SVCMRCI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_sed4CbJ4D3F5Q

This is the clinical training manual my DBt therapists use. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462516998/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Yed4Cb430ZATG

There are also Facebook peer support pages and groups.

https://m.facebook.com/ilovedbt/

https://m.facebook.com/groups/dbtskills/?ref=group_header&view=group

If you're wanting to go at it alone, finding someone who has already been through it to guide and with you might be a lot more helpful. I am available anytime to answer questions and help someone start. I've been through the DBT "cycle" almost 3 times now, because the facility I attend does not currently offer "maintenance level" support. I also enjoy the feeling of support and camaraderie.

In the beginning, DBT can seem stupid, confusing, redundant, or even silly. Stick with it. Do your homework if you're in a group. Do a diary card daily, even in the beginning, even if you don't get it. If you're not in a group but have a peer counselor, ask for homework!

Hope this helps!

Edit: thank you for the platinum! What an honor.

Develop many meditation techniques. Use what seems right at the time.

The meditation on sensations is amazing to do with regular sensations (pressure of the tush on the cush) as well as with pleasant sensations. Just let the attention focus on the most intense sensation, or the most pleasant.

Over many years I've worked on meditation on sensations, on the breath, on loving-kindness (and the rest of the Brahma Viharas), on memorizing inspiring quotes, on awareness of sounds, on presence, and way back when I did meditations on chakras. Whatever works.

Sogyal Rinpoche said in his book Tibetan Book of Living and Dying:

>Become a master of your own bliss, a chemist of your own joy, with all sorts of remedies always on hand to elevate, cheer, illuminate, and inspire your every breath and movement.

I haven't used it for weight loss, but meditation has been the most important tool for overcoming sexual addiction. In fact, mindfulness in particular has a lot of research behind its value for working with addiction.

Stress eating may not be a full blown addiction, but you can be sure it's in the same ball park.

Regular mindfulness meditation, in my experience, helps you to be more aware throughout the day, aware of your physical needs, like hunger, thirst, the need for solitude and quiet, and more subtly, aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

When you start getting into the habit of mindfully asking yourself "What am I feeling right now? Is there something I could do to make my situation better right now?", you will certainly start to notice the thoughts and feelings that spring up right before your craving for food.

With time, you start to recognize the triggers, and as you become more familiar with them, you start to learn how to counteract them.

I would recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever you go, there you are if you want to learn more about mindfulness specifically.

A good way to start would be to just sit down in a quiet place, if only for five minutes, and become aware of the sensations of your breath. Don't count, don't expect anything. Just be aware.

Awareness of breath is the most basic mindfulness meditation of all, but its power for transformation is incredible.

I hope this helps, good luck!

True, it's different for everyone, but don't be afraid to ask. I was 32 before I finally got diagnosed. But finally having a name for it was a huge help. It took some time to finally find the combination of meds that worked for me.

Some things that have helped me along the way:
Keep track of your moods, and note things that changes your moods
Stay away from alcohol, it can destabilize you
Watch your diet, foods have a big impact on how you feel
Find a doctor that you are comfortable with. Being able to communicate will make a huge difference in your treatment.
Even if you are feeling better, don't stop your medication.
Stay active. Sometimes this is hard, but in my case the busier I am, the better I feel.
*Don't be afraid to ask for help, we can all use it sometimes

There are a ton of resources, here are a couple to get you started:
https://www.facebook.com/newlifeoutlook.bipolar
http://nami.org

An unquite mind
http://www.amazon.com/Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Moods-Madness/dp/0679763309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422734947&sr=8-1&keywords=the+unquiet+mind

I can only speak about Vipassana meditation which is the style Theravadin Buddhists use. Other styles such as zen sitting or yoga meditations are outside my experience.

Vipassana is a form of mindfulness meditation, which means it's all about learning to be as present as you possibly can in the moment. The intention of practicing it is to reduce the amount you dwell in thoughts of the future, memories of the past, or fantasies, while at the same time maximizing your immediate experience.

As a beginner you start by focusing on the breath. Some people count the breaths, some say "in/out", whatever technique you find works best. As you do this you'll start to notice when your thoughts drift off into other places (at first it will be all the time) and you gently, non-judgmentally bring your focus back to the breath and continue.

The reason the breath is used as the focus point for beginners (and long time practitioners too) is that it's always there, always available, there's never a place you are where it isn't, which makes it a great guide.

As you get more advanced, you'll go from the breath to focusing on the immediacy of other things - first external (such as sounds) and eventually internal (such as physical sensations). Very long-time practitioners watch their own thoughts come and go as separate observers. The ultimate goal is to be capable of experiencing your thoughts and moods and emotions without judging yourself for having them or reacting because of them.

John Kabbatt Zinn popularized this form of meditation with his book "Wherever you go, there you are" and that's a great place to start.

As far as "don'ts" - the biggest traps imo are getting caught up in the traditions and cultural trappings of the meditation. Yes there are postures that help keep you alert and present but they're not the thing you should be fretting over. The other biggest trap is beating yourself up mentally because you just can't seem to get it right/can't maintain your focus on the breath etc. At first it's easy to get discouraged but it's like going to the gym - it takes time to build up the mental muscle.

As far as benefits go, yes mindfulness meditation has been shown in many western controlled, peer-reviewed studies to have ample benefits. I would direct you straight to the [wikipedia article] for more info than I could give on these. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Research_on_meditation).

Hope that helps!

>THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT because any book that talks about meditating to reach a higher being, to see pretty things is not what I'm looking for.

That is wonderful! Because, despite what some people imagine, that's not what real meditation is about.

Meditation addresses the cause-and-effect of the thinking; in particular, how to get out from under the false ideas we make or that are implanted in us by parents, society, and other conditioning factors, and how to instead be able to see things plainly and accurately — before opinion filters the view.

You are very fortunate to have this yen for simple, observable effects; and you are very fortunate to understand that you need to reset. Furthermore, it is good that you can see some of your own patterns and how they might get in the way of your success. Resetting is indeed the practice: coming back to zero.

Zen Master Seung Sahn used to talk about "pressing the Clear button". When you use a calculator, you need to be able to return to zero in order for the calculations to come out correctly. If you keep entering calculations without resetting, they go further and further from the accurate result. Similarly, if we are to function correctly we need to be able to clear away the previous results and start from zero. So meditation means we press the Clear button. Then, how that clear point functions in life is the next step.

I think you may like some of Zen Master Seung Sahn's writing, and you may dislike some of it. His teaching is very well organized. He also often appealed to the scientific mind (he would sometimes teach by using mathematics, for instance). But also some of his writing includes points that you may not have the patience for, and includes deep teaching you probably won't understand (not until you have practiced for several years); so you may not like that part of it.

~

But this raises an important point for you. Despite the fact that you seek very clear, no-nonsense teaching — which is, I think, commendable — there is also a sort of selfish, demanding, entitled tone to your post. You have to realize that nothing is perfect. Your situations become satisfactory or unsatisfactory based on your own mind and your own relationship to things. So if you keep a demanding and entitled attitude, there is no teaching that will help you.

Right now, you are saying that you are going to stay where you are, and that all the teaching should come to you, in exactly the way you want it. Sure, we all want things our way; but that's not really a mature approach. You have to come at least half way. If you take down some of the unnecessary doubt and armoring, and take some steps toward the teachers, then naturally the teachers will respond and the teaching can be assimilated by you. If you only stand where you've always stood, holding on to your narrow view out of fear of entering new territory, then nothing will change for you.

This is also cause and effect.

~

One writer you may appreciate — I don't know, you'd have to check him out — is John Kabat Zinn. He offers meditation practices in a non-religious context. Probably his most famous book is his first bestseller, Full Catastrophe Living, which looks at meditation for stress relief and treatment for illness. The follow-up book Wherever You Go, There You Are is more focused on meditation itself, and may be a good start for you. He has several books, videos, and mp3s available.

Here's an excerpt from a user review on Amazon:

>A family member bought this book. I found it sitting on a shelf, glanced at the cover and involuntarily thought to myself "uh oh, granola time," and came within a heartbeat of dismissing the book out of hand. Luckily, I did not. Instead, I read the introduction, and then found myself -- almost in a state of disbelief -- reading on and on. I was amazed to find that the book is not just one more new age book muttering away about a world none of us really lives in. To the contrary, the book is written by someone with a profound understanding of everyday reality, who is astonishingly good at sharing that understanding.

I absolutely love to sleep and my body always wants 8-9 hours at the minimum. I also have trouble going to sleep, history of depression and anxiety, etc.

If it is aaaaany consolation to you, forcing myself to get up earlier has gotten easier as I've gotten older. I'm only a bit older than you probably (graduated from college 4 years ago) but my ability to wake earlier has increased significantly in the past year or so.

One of the main things that helped was reading books about mindfulness (This one is a fave and is pretty cheap used on Amazon) AND, oddly enough, not guilting myself for my love of sleep. Or letting anyone else give me grief about it. We are sleepy people, and that's okay.

If you feel up to it and will try very hard to give yourself positive self-talk (to quiet the negative), setting your alarm for literally 2 minutes earlier at a time might help. If you can wake up for a week at 8:28, then try 8:26. The key is being nice to yourself, though, which is also the hardest part sometimes. I wish you so much luck!

Age: Over 60. Severe "drop" in "self worth estimation" @ 25.


First off, free advice is worth what you pay for it. With that said, please allow me to suggest some reading that may help your mental state, semi-permanently, if you learn well. This book was recommednded to my by my therapist. I despise self-help books. This one is different. Dr. Burns has made it easy to find negative thought patterns you didn't even know you were using, teaches the power of (sometimes the power of the absence of certain words: ie, (paraphrasing) "Someone who goes around saying to themselves frequently "I should do this, or I should start doing that...as living a "shouldy" kind of life... OK, he's no Mitch Hedberg, but he is effective at showing you how to re-arrange your attitude, how you address yourself and situations as they arise. He teaches how to deal with anxiety and I attribute my getting off anti-depressants within a year to this work. It's been in print for twenty years, so it's almost definitely at the library.

Being panicky about money won't help. Keep track of the total you owe your parents. It will make you feel better to keep a running total on which you can plan to make payments to them later.

Do you have a one-year plan? That's an outline of what you expect, what your goals are, ideas, hopes, a bit like a business plan, but of course more personal. Go over a calendar imagining the year ahead, jotting down notes on big events, expectations, and have a goal for the end of the year. Now goals can change, ideas can be modified, but if you don't have a plan, you don't have a direction, you're rudderless.

And when your one-year is done, build a five-year.

If I were young and (relatively) strong, and desperate* for money, I would approach the local businesses and ask them if they have any work they've been having a hard time getting done. Tell them you work cheap. You may end up washing grease traps at 2 AM in some greasy spoon, but there might just be money out there you don't expect. How desperate are you. People can sense the "starving-needy" sometimes, if it's real. So go with it. Just don't get creepy, heh.

Hope some of this is helpful, I know the book works, Bon Chance!

"When Dinosaurs Die" actually has some kind of problematic stuff in it, as well as some religious references; for younger kids, I would instead recommend I Miss You: A First Look at Death or The Goodbye Book, for older kids I would recommend Tear Soup or The Memory Box. Lifetimes and Always Remember are both beautiful books for all ages. For the death of a cat specifically, The Tenth Good Thing about Barney is lovely and includes exactly the sort of funeral you describe. The Day Tiger Rose Said Goodbye is also a good one but a bit more spiritual, in that the kitty's "spirit" is shown rising into the sky after she passes away peacefully, although there's no mention of heaven or the rainbow bridge or anything. I think The Forever Dog does a really great job addressing this (even though it's about a dog) by showing how pets continue to live on in our hearts after they are gone, without bringing in any supernatural/religious beliefs at all. Anyway hopefully something in there is helpful!

First, you're not alone. I was in my early 30's when I lost my faith and it took me 2 years to get over the depression and existential vacuum that Joe's lies left behind.

I was able to eventually work my way through it without meds or any serious counseling, but it was a grueling couple of years. Everyone has to figure out their own path, but what helped me most was reading from others who had faced the same existential vacuum and found a way to navigate it. A few titles that I would highly recommend are:

• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Best on audiobook.
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it.
  
  The above, coupled with a lot of patience, exercise, sleep, and proper diet got me through my deep existential crisis. The existentialism still shows up now and then, but it's totally manageable. Good luck to you! You'll have good days and worse days, but stick with it!--I promise it gets better!

I can tell you my experience and maybe it will help you one way or another.

I was an agnostic atheist a bit disappointed with the Christian tradition I grew up in. In the context of a family drama, I picked up the Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, out of curiousity on how to deal with death. I found the Buddhist approach to death and spirituality to be so clear and lucid that it stirred something in me, inspiring me to go on the path of learning more and more about Eastern philosophy and, ultimately, religion. On this path I learned about yoga and then the philosophy behind it and, step by step I found my spiritual fulfilment in the Vaishnava philosophy (a branch of "Hinduism") and the practice of bhakti yoga.

The road took several years and it was based on finding answers to deep questions (who are we, where do we come from, what is life, what is death, what is the mind, what is the soul, what is God etc). The main attitude that propelled me forward was being open minded. And the main catalyst to progress was personal encounters with inspiring representatives of the traditions. I listened to online lectures on all Eastern schools, studied scriptures, met with serious and experienced practitioners and I gradually started to practice myself to verify the theory.

If you're in an undecided position I would recommend you start simply praying to the Supreme Being/The Universe (in general) to guide you to find your way and, from what I experienced, you will receive the knowledge and the means in unexpected ways. Meanwhile, you could start sampling philosophies of various schools (Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Vaishnavism etc) and see what inspires you. Trust your instincts.

In Vaishnavism, we believe that God is very eager to re-start His relationship with the souls and the human form of life is reserved for that very purpose. So, according to my tradition, the question you have asked ("How do I become religious?") is guaranteed to already move you closer to understanding of God and religion. It all hinges on your sincerity.

My personal book recommendations:

Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying

Bhagavad Gita (read the Introduction directly)

Six Causes - The Vedic Theory of Creation

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours. Without maybe even realizing, you have already made progress. And to come back to my own journey, this is the idea that I meditated on the most before beginning any spiritual process:

"For the soul there is neither birth nor death at any time. He has not come into being, does not come into being, and will not come into being. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing and primeval. He is not slain when the body is slain. " (Bhagavad Gita, 2.20)

edit: grammar

​

I have been diagnosed with BPD officially for a year now. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2. Honestly my experience with medication hasn't been great. I totally hear you about feeling like a lab rat. Currently I am on Guanfacine, which is normally an ADD/Autism med meant to curb impulsivity. I have been on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-depressants all of which were minimally effective and had shitty side effects. However, I HAVE SEEN MARKED IMPROVEMENT since I have started a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. DBT is similar but different than CBT, and was specifically designed for BPD. It is essentially Buddhism meets Western psych. I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH. I went through an intensive CBT program before starting the DBT program and didn't see any results despite a lot of effort. The entire point of DBT is learning skills to manage your reactions to triggers. You can control your brain not the other way around. I linked to the wiki page about DBT in another comment, but here's kind of the run down. A PROPER DBT program will consist of two parts, group therapy and individual therapy. In group therapy you discuss and learn skills meant to help you regulate emotions, increase stress tolerance, decrease vulnerability to triggers, and improve interpersonal relationships. You use a textbook, current edition here: https://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=FY8PYY4YF8P0KGPYH603
and you work through the worksheets and diagrams as weekly "homework". Mindfulness exercises are also a part of group therapy, often in the form of a guided meditation. In individual therapy you work through problems you are facing in your life and see when/how to apply the skills you are learning in group. Focus is on how to deal with current issues and triggers rather than digging really deep into why you have BPD, so if you have co-morbid PTSD you should be ok ( although it does deal with how to apply skills to thoughts/feelings brought up by past trauma). Again, I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH. Also, be careful of half-ass programs. Like I said a proper program with have both Group and Individual therapy. Often, there are Group programs floating around on their own, which are more support groups than skills training. Do your research on a the place providing the therapy before diving in to ensure it is the full skills training. I also recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Buddha-Borderline-Recovery-Personality-Dialectical/dp/157224710X it was very inspiring.

Welcome!

I would suggest this workbook and this book for yourself. Then I would suggest this book for your loved ones.

Here is some good information on the different therapies for BPD that they say are most effective (DBT being one of them).

I follow a bunch of accounts on Instagram with inspirational quotes and relatable content that I find helpful. My favourite hashtag being # bpdrecovery - if you use Instagram, I highly suggest checking it out.

I think the most important thing to remember is to be active in your recovery and to be kind to yourself.

I hope this helps!

I'm new to the Phenibut, but have had ~15 years of experience with depression and anxiety along with all the side effects they bring.

I've taken all kinds of anti-depressants, benzos, supplements, herbal remedies, you name it. By far the best and only long term solution is not drinking alcohol at all, diet, and exercise along with getting enough sleep. There is no cure for depression, it's a constant battle, but you can win it. As for diet, cut out sugar and processed foods, especially refined grains. 80% of your calories should come from fruits and vegetables, mostly vegetables. The rest should come from good fats(omegas) and a little bit of animal protein. Get at least an hour of exercise 4 times a week including cardio as well as strength training.

Cognitive behavioral therapy helps as well. It's basically retraining your thought pattern to not harp on the negative thoughts and learn to manage them. A good book for this is felling good. If you read the book and do the exercises it really helps.

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

From my limited experience with phenibut, I don't think it's a good solution to depression or anxiety.

But if you do need a crutch, I've found Kratom to be a very good for short term relief. It's great for anxiety, depression, pain, energy and sleep.

Best of luck.

Existentialism does have its roots in mainstream "to-go" philosophy and psychoanalytic theory/psychotherapy; you can however can call me a structuralist due in part of adhering to Freudian meta-psychology [I support Kernberg et al.'s methodology]. Though, like existentialism, psycho-structuralism in the form the metapsycology has its "ends" as well, which is why I am "switching" but more-so transitioning over to Derrida's deconstructionism and Wittgenstein/Hegel's "metapsychical space and time continuum" 'philosophy of the mind' business.

However, this is all synthesized with part classical psychoanalytic schools of thought into Dynamic Deconstructive Psychotherapy by Robert Gregory M.D. of SUNY Upstate New York Medical School. I would check out his free training manual online if you are ever so inclined. I believe it is the next advances of psychotherapy triumphing Linehan's DBT, especially as she comes with edition 2 of her upcoming DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition this Fall in October.

I will check out your thoughts, and the suggestive reading on Focualt that I have yet to get to for philosophers (Kernberg/Masterson/various psychoanalytical bodies of thought and philosophy of the mind has taken much of my studies over the years), thanks for synthesizing it a bit further; but my thought still stands on Eastern spiritualism in regards to psychotherapy (perhaps if you read Masterson's work in which he foretells that Linehan/Buddhism completely ignores the dynamics of the mother-infant relational mirroring matrix, then you may understand my qualms about the unnecessar application of Eastern spiritualism/mindfulness or even Stoicism). I hope to articulate and express it more cohesively and coherently in the future.

These are very exciting times for the state of BPD and for the various bodies of disciplines and their therein schools of disambiguated thoughts, let alone for philosophy as well. It is time to synthesize and integrate and reformulate from classics into something more practical and application in today's post-modern/contemporary times.

I believe for the postcard exchange (and all other 0 credit exchanges) the $20 minimum is waived. But trust me, there are still ways. The shopaholic in me believes this to be true! Like:

For someone who says they have a large collection of postcards: https://www.amazon.com/Postcard-Classic-Hobbymaster-collection-expandable/dp/B002ER0I9A/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1474682310&sr=8-7&keywords=postcard+book

For the Disney lover: https://www.amazon.com/Art-Disney-Golden-Age-1937-1961/dp/1452122296/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1474682310&sr=8-3&keywords=postcard+book

For the psychology student: https://www.amazon.com/PostSecret-Extraordinary-Confessions-Ordinary-Lives/dp/0060899190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474682439&sr=8-1&keywords=post+secret

From the one who dreams of going to NYC someday: https://www.amazon.com/3dRose-Greetings-Scenic-Postcard-Reproduction/dp/B016YHAFNO/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1474682761&sr=8-16&keywords=postcards+fabric+greetings+from (plus a pillow for that)

For me, these exchanges are about creativity. I love playing off the theme, finding something that really suits the person and thinking outside the box about it all. But that might just be me.

>Shepple

Did anyone else enjoy the amusing coincidence that her name is one letter from the Internet-word for "unwitting follower"?

>developed a script for masculinity that I was comfortable performing

Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? Or pointing towards a source that might help me make sense of the "everything is performative" mindset in less than 10,000 pages of overblown prose? Perhaps there's some factor to it that is fundamentally impossible to communicate, but I've long found that phrasing strange and uncomfortable, likely because I associate it with performing-as-acting, and thus as-lying.

>I wonder if there's some kind of body or gender dysmorphia that leaves certain people uncomfortable with whatever body they find themselves in

Almost definitely. I think a dose of Haidt's Happiness Hypothesis or maybe even Irvine's Guide to Stoicism would do people with this "generalized discomfort" much more good than the solutions they're finding (and regretting) now. Or since you mentioned the title phrase, John Kabat-Zinn's famed guide to mindfulness meditation. I say that as someone who found these books quite helpful over the years, dealing with my own concerns, and retrospectively quite glad of the culture in which I was raised rather than one more "do as thou wilt."

Edit: Thank you for sharing your story.

It might be a way to ease someone into the realities of the next existence by not shattering their worldviews too quickly. (Just saying.)

I've read of at LEAST one NDE where the "incredibly bright being of love and light" actually transformed itself into various incarnations to represent the mental ideal of the person. A bunch of others showed that you can project a form of yourself, it seemed to be a skill.

note: I've read probably hundreds of NDE's. Surveying the eyewitness testimony, you see. The most interesting ones are those of congenitally blind people who see in this state, despite having no working brain function to process visual imagery nor ways to explain it. (You can tell they're seeing, based on their struggle to describe "sensing things at a distance".)

Based on reading hundreds of NDE's, which I'm sure almost no one here has the patience or inclination to do, I think it is best to just keep an open mind about it and not necessarily blithely chalk it all up to dimethyltryptamine.

Also, as a possible extra point of validity, a LOT of the ideas that MANY people talk about in NDE's would be considered heretical in most of the world religions (example: the idea that very few people end up in any kind of Hell). The life reviews that were described, I found especially poignant (stuff like "none of my professional achievements seemed to matter, but hugging my sister late one night when she was in a bad state was a big deal")

[EDIT: I found this book, which I actually hadn't heard of until I came here, on Amazon (I will leave the irony of /r/atheism advertising a supposedly spiritual book to me successfully as an exercise for the reader), but I did see that someone posted the OP image to the book images which is fucking hilarious. This book itself certainly does seem "tainted with Christianity". Can't wait for the Buddhist version! :) ]

I'm not knowledgeable enough to really expound on the differences, but I'll throw down some resources that helped me:

• Full Catastrophe Living, by Jon Kabat-Zinn
  
• Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn (JKZ is like the father/grandfather of the Western Psychology Mindfulness based stress reduction movement. Of these two, Wherever You Go is easier to read, but I find JKZ's writing to be a bit dry overall.)
  
• Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach (A good next-step once you have the basics of Mindfulness down.)
  
• Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Workbook, this is the book my teacher used in her MBSR (mindfulness based stress-reduction) class. It's nice and easy and comes with a CD of guided meditation.
  
  If this all piques your interest, I really recommend attending a MBSR class to learn a bunch of different techniques and to discuss it with other people who are doing it at the same time. It's similar to exercise in that you can get started on your own, but if you want to get more "skilled" you should look to find a mentor to help you process and suggest new techniques that might help you improve.

There's a therapy called DBT. You can buy the book from Amazon (there's a manual and a workbook most people recemmend from Dr. Linehan). but here's a pdf that someone from this group linked up (can't recall who or I'd give them daps) that looks like a nice overview and it's free wooo lol. Learning about this therapy has given me soooo much hope. I hope it does the same for you!

There's a lot of literature available these days;

• An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison
  
  
  
• The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide, Second Edition: What You and Your Family Need to Know by David J. Miklowitz
  
  
  
• Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir by Ellen Forney
  
  These three come to mind, the most frequently recommended ones. I've read the first one and it explains a lot of how someone who suffers from BP I (or manic-depressive illness) leads his or her life.
  
  Other than that, reading about other People's Experience that have lived and live with this illness may prove helpful as well. You can find a lot of very useful insight into what bipolar disorder really implies in this subrredit.
  
  Finally, above all, take your time to listen to her, truly do, and do your best to understand what is going through her mind. We experience very complicated feelings and emotions, incredibly extreme at times, so be aware of that. This doesn't mean we are crazy though, it only means we are more "sensitive", if you will, which means being understanding, compassionate, loving and caring play a huge role in a relationship.
  
  You'll catch the drift quickly enough, trust me, and then it'll be just like any other relationship, with the possible hiccup here and there.
  
  Few people care to understand this illness, glad you're doing so. An example to follow, if I may.
  
  

So your mom is basically accommodating and even reassuring your sister's negative behavior. This happens a lot in people with OCD. Their family doesn't want to set them off so they actually end up helping with their OCD behavior like triple checking that a door is locked or that their sandwich only has cheese and ham five times. This is a huge waste of time and energy on the part of family members and doesn't help the person with OCD control their compulsions.

So if your mom's not helping control your sister's verbal abuse, this puts an extra burden on you. I don't know anything about BPD but it sounds intense. She is probably getting treatment of some kind herself, but could you see a therapist as well? It sound like you are responsible for caring for her too. The family, everyone that encompasses that person's daily life needs help as well. There are books like Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship that I found because I already own "Loving Someone with OCD." If it's like the one I have it has practical, actionable advice on how to not only deal with her but also maintain your own sanity (and your mom's).

You just want to plan ahead a little bit to help manage your reaction when you're around your sister. And it takes some trial and error to figure out what works. Before you walk in and see her, how do you feel? Are you tired or stressed out? If so, shorten the amount of time you are in with her. If you're feeling pretty good, try some things with her you don't normally do. But listen to yourself and engage based on how much energy and courage or just plain stamina you have at the time. But don't be a martyr. Don't stay longer than you have to when you're low on personal resources. When you're not with her, do things that help you recharge. Get exercise and good sleep, sing out loud in your car. Anything that gets you back some spark.

See if you can just walk away when she is verbally abusive. This is to help your peace of mind - you don't have to just stand there and take it - but also control your own reaction. If we do or say ugly things to someone, even when justified, we feel awful afterwards and end up beating ourselves up about it. So just removing yourself from her is a huge positive step you can practice. Just go to another room or leave the house if you're really angry. But practice disengaging early on, when you've just noticed you're getting annoyed or frustrated. Earlier than full blown angry because that's when you're likely to do or say bad things you'll regret. By that time we're completely emotionally driven and lashing out instead of thinking rationally and in control of our response.

It's very easy to take her abuse personally. So try to step back and remember that anyone in close proximity to her would be a target for her abuse since she can't control herself. So focus on your own self-care. Imagine her in a bubble. Her negativity and language is trapped inside the bubble with her. And you can imagine your own bubble as well. Imagine it's really strong and you're safe in it. These types of visualizations are helpful in dealing with really negative people. Imagine it keeps their negative energy with them and not anywhere near you.

Anger management "groups" do exist but they're not as common as AA. Seeing a therapist or taking a class online is the best advice I can give. You can call your doctor's office for a referral or check your insurance website. They usually list their credentials like "anger management" and if they also treat BPD and family therapy even better. But don't feel like you have to stay with the first therapist you meet. If you don't feel they are right for you after even the first session, cancel the next appointment and call someone else. It's ok to shop around. Once you find a good one, stick with them for three to six months. They usually want to see you once a week for the first month and then once a month after that depending on your needs.

And you can start keeping a journal to write down the challenges you notice with her and your reactions. You can write down what happens between her and your mom too. What happened? Where did it go wrong? What could you try next time? This is the best kind of homework you can do. And you can take it with to therapy sessions as a memory aid and to write down their recommendations.
Hope some of this helps. Hang in there!

There are some scathing reviews in there. Especially the one where he's talking about levitation.

I have to say that I don't completely disagree with some of the reviewers' complaints. Lama Surya Das is a decent writer in my opinion, and the book is entertaining. But as others have said, it really is more of an autobiography. And while he has led an interesting life, this is not why I originally read the book. He definitely tries to put a "Western spin" on Buddhism, and this is obviously because westerners are his target audience. But what winds up being produced is a new-age self-help kind of book.

If you are interested, my top 4 recommendations for easy to read, entertaining books that cover some different aspects/sects of Buddhism (in order of my personal preference) are as follows:

1. What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula.
   
   
2. Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki.
   
   
3. The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh.
   
   
4. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
   
   As I said, those are my personal favorites and will give you a good look at some of the major Buddhist traditions.

I got your list right here:

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho - great story about finding your way in life, destiny, etc. One of my personal favorites and a real life changer for me personally (read it when I was 14, very impressionable)

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominigue Bauby - memoirs of a magazine editor who has a stroke and goes from being a hot shot playboy to being paralyzed. He loses all motor function and the whole book is written by him blinking out the letters. Despite it all he has a razor wit and such a positive outlook it really makes you think about your own life and what is important to appreciate.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig - kind of an interesting book that gives you a historical breakdown of philosophy all through a somewhat biographical story about a motorcycle trip with his son. Has some really insightful views on what is quality and what is the point of education. Highly recommend for anyone just starting college.

Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman by Richard P Feynman - Autobiography/memoir of one of the greatest minds to ever live. From learning how to pick locks while working on the manhattan project, experimenting with acid, and learning the bongos. Dr. Feynman has such a passion for life, science, and learning it's contagious. Seriously, just see how excited he gets about rubberbands.

Umberto Eco's Six Walks in the Fictional Woods is a very accessible introduction to thinking about literature in a way that blends narratology and semiotics. It generally sticks pretty closely to talking about the stories he has in mind, so I wished while reading it that I'd had a copy of Gérard de Nerval's Sylvie on hand, among others.

David Lodge's The Art of Fiction used to be popular as a supplementary textbook in creative writing classes because it just uses nice examples to provide a basic language for talking about literature.

John Sutherland has a number of books intended for a general audience that either introduce basic concepts of literary criticism or that just make careful reading fun, e.g. How Literature Works, A Little History of Literature, and The Literary Detective: 100 Puzzles in Classic Fiction (an omnibus edition of the books he's probably most well known for).

Gaston Bachelard comes to mind as someone who, like Gass, is just a delight to read: The Poetics of Space, Air and Dreams, etc. I'd put some other writers writing about their personal relationships to reading in a similar category: Nicholson Baker, U and I; Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary; and even Alison Bechdel, Fun Home.

I've noticed a few on my library shelves, but haven't read them all yet:

Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. It's Bechdel's memoir about her father, and an excellent read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0618871713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_zF8HzbJGXQY79

The Lives of Sacco and Vanzetti by Rick Geary. It covers a milestone legal case in 20th century US. https://www.amazon.com/Lives-Vanzetti-Treasury-Century-Murder/dp/1561639362

Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. It's a text on the nature of comics, in graphic novel form. It's a classic. https://www.amazon.com/dp/006097625X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_sO8HzbDMZF7EJ

The Book of Genesis, illustrated by R. Crumb. He illustrated the entire text of this book of the bible. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393061027/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_8U8HzbZBERQNM

And here's a good list from The Atlantic Monthly: https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/08/comic-books-as-journalism-10-masterpieces-of-graphic-nonfiction/243351/ (I've read and enjoyed a couple of these titles, so I feel safe in assuming the others are just as good)

You could take a peer support class. This one is from NAMI,Peer Support Specialist and here's another, NAMI Basics. If you are not within the USA, just google peer support training + your area to find a training program near you.

Some DBT programs offer a Family type DBT curriculum that helps teach DBT skills to family members/spouses. The one program I was involved in offered something like this for family members.

You can also read books about DBT.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook,

DBT® Skills Training Manual, 2nd edition

Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (this is the first edition and is cheaper. It also has some of the worksheets in it as well

Watch some youtube videos about DBT, or visit dbt websites.

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com

https://ilovedbt.com/

Remember to take care of yourself during this time as well. You can't help someone if you yourself are stressed or overburdened. Good boundaries are essential for both parties.

Take good care!

Har de har har to all the comedians replying to you... here are some non-joke answers:

• Dataclysm, by OKCupid founder Christian Rudder
  
• Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, an advice columnist I happen to love who could teach a lot of OKC users a thing or two
  
• OKCupid A-List gift subscription (you'd have to know their username... could maybe print out a homemade "coupon" for them to redeem with you later if you don't know it)
  
• phone tripod, for taking better profile selfies

There are tons of books written for our loved ones if you think he might be interested in that. A really popular one is Walking on Eggshells. I chose this one Loving Someone with BPD because in my opinion it does the best at helping the loved one understand us and protect their own feelings without demonizing us.

My book list focus both on theme and authors. Obviously I went through a pretty depressed phase (hence all the deeply brooding novels). Still, I think that these female authors gave me a sense of empowerment in my young age by the sheer genius of their work. It was refreshing to read books by women I admired as well as for themes I was interested in.

• Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
  
• The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (*journals and Ariel are also favorites)
  
• An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
  
• Girl, Interrupted - Susanna Kaysen
  
• Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
  
• Speak - Laurie Halse Anderson
  
  And the book that taught me the most about sexuality and my body?
  
  
• The Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton
  
  In defense of this book, I am not poly-amorous. I really think every female should read it. Great advice on overcoming jealousy, loving your body, and enjoying your sexuality.

Here's a list, off the top of my head - I know all these are on my bookshelf, but I'm probably missing a few more:

Hell's Angel: The Life and Times of Sonny Barger and the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club by Sonny Barger

Freedom: Credos from the Road by Sonny Barger

Ridin' High, Livin' Free: Hell-Raising Motorcycle Stories by Ralph Sonny Barger

Dead in 5 Heartbeats by Sonny Barger

Under and Alone by William Queen

No Angel: My Harrowing Undercover Journey to the Inner Circle of the Hells Angels by Jay Dobyns

Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga (Modern Library) by Hunter S. Thompson

Street Justice by Chuck Zito

The Original Wild Ones: Tales of the Boozefighters Motorcycle Club by Bill Hayes

Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road by Neil Peart

The Masked Rider: Cycling in West Africa by Neil Peart

Against the Wind: A Rider's Account of the Incredible Iron Butt Rally by Ron Ayres

Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work by Matthew B. Crawford

Honda CB750: The Complete Story by Mark Haycoc

Shovelhead Red The Drifter's Way by Roy Yelverton

Shovelhead Red-Ridin' Out by Roy Yelverton

A Twist of the Wrist 2: The Basics of High-Performan​ce Motorcycle Riding by Keith Code

Total Control: High Performance Street Riding Techniques by Lee Parks


Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values by Robert M. Pirsig - Still my favorite. A high school english teacher bought it for me when he found out I had just passed my motorcycle road test. I've read it at least 15 times, and get something new from it each time.


But the best recommendation - Buy the FACTORY SERVICE MANUAL for your bike and read it. Read it often, until you can almost turn to the exact page for each procedure.

I have read a couple of decent books that are kind of a spiritual/metaphysical approach to self-help. These aren't so much about self-confidence as they are about gaining a more peaceful perspective on your entire life, which in turn will help you feel more confident about yourself.

The first is called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. She discusses a method called the turnaround, where you examine negative beliefs about yourself, and sort of meditate on them to realize that they are not true. Then you start to replace them with more positive beliefs, and your perspective becomes a lot brighter.

Another one I liked is Work Sex Money by Chogyam Trungpa.. This one is about taking a sort of Western-adapted Buddhist approach to your life without traveling to a monastery or any of the garbage that people assume they have to do in order to be more peaceful. It provides very logical ideas for examining your life and taking the stress out of it, which will help you find more of your own identity.

Finally, this is a bit of a weird one, but A Course in Miracles is my favorite. I don't recommend this for personal reading, but if you can find a weekly group or something where they read this book, it can be an amazing resource for improving your life. The book goes against a lot of Christian beliefs about the afterlife and metaphysics, but it basically teaches that you are the only one in control of your life.

If these are too intense, maybe try Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Ken Wapnick. Sorry if none of these interest you.

I absolutely LOVED Tiny Beautiful Things. It is kind of a different read, as it's a series of advice columns done by the author Cheryl Strayed (who wrote Wild). I read it shortly after my MC, and it was quite perfect as there were two columns on MC/infant loss that were beautiful to read. I was bawling in the best way.

Hey, way to go! You should be really proud of your efforts!!!

I quit smoking weed 3 weeks ago and stopped cigarettes 4 days ago. I was abusing other substances too - but quit that 6 years ago...or so. I have been smoking weed (hash) every day - all day - for 8 years. I have smoked cigarettes since I was 12 - and I am now 38.

I can relate to the feelings you have. I have been through periods where I thought my best friends would kill me, that my girl hated me, that my parents couldn't care less - but I have put that in the bipolar bag - and not in any other bag. I use a nicotine substitute called Snus (almost like chewing tobacco) so I am not off the nicotine yet - but I am proud that I have quit smoking.

I do believe quitting any substance can trigger a mania - or atleast make your brain race. I think it will pass like all our periods do.

What is more important here is your girlfriend. She need's to be educated. Seriously! Have you showed her the Stephen Fry movie? Please show her that - it is a good starting point. Also - I can recommend the book "An unquiet mind"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679763309?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0679763309

What about this one?

"Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572243422?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1572243422

I have not read that one - I am chronically single :) ...oh wait :(

)

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I would suggest seeking counseling for emotional support as you work through your grief. Nothing will be easy for a while, but that's ok. Eventually you will work through the grief. You never "get over it" but you can work through it. Counseling is very helpful in this situation.

Talk with your counselor and/or Doctor too about support groups.

Here's a few links that I hope might be helpful too:


http://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384


https://www.mywayforward.com/well-being/grief/working_through_grief/



http://www.goodgriefcenter.com/help/twenty_tips.php


http://dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/10-grief-tips.htm


And finally:


> Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
― Fred Rogers


You take care. Nana internet hug

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach is an absolutely amazing book on self love and accepting what is. I picked it up after Tim Ferriss recommended it on his podcast.


You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is pretty much *the* book on self love.

When I was first diagnosed, these two books helped me process it:
The Buddha and the Borderline, a first-person account of a woman's experience with BPD, provided some recognition into some of my own past and present experiences and helped me to understand them in a new context. I cried throughout the entire thing, as I recognized myself on every page. It was this book helped me see how the diagnosis fit. It's got a positive ending though :-)

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide provided a lot of diagnostic and practical information in a non-judgmental and positive light.

I am also doing DBT, and that's been helpful, but for me, it's not been a source of info on BPD itself. They seem to avoid referencing BPD by name and instead refer to it "emotion regulation difficulties" or similar. In fact, I only found out I had the diagnosis because I needed my diagnosis code information for my insurance. Kinda weird.

It sounds like your boyfriend is really great. Mine doesn't know about the BPD diagnosis (just that I have been depressed, hospitalized and self-harmed). It's excellent that yours knows and is sticking by you.

Good luck!!!

There's a great book by David D Burns called Feeling Good. Check it out. You can do your own CBT, but I think having a coach (AKA therapist) is worthwhile too, especially when you're getting started.

Another one I can recommend, using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.

Whereas CBT is about monitoring your thinking and weeding out unhelpful thought habits, ACT argues that this can be pretty damn mentally exhausting, and that another approach is to notice those thoughts, and just let them pass through your head without feeling the need to accept them OR weed them out. It's still about being aware of what you're thinking and the resulting emotional responses, but more "give zero fucks" approach, which might work better if you're already at the bottom of a mental hole.

Loving yourself is like growing a sapling into a tree. Time, it takes.
One book
Two book
Good luck friend :)

Thoreau: 'the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation'.

Anyway, I think your problem is that you need the world to be a specific way before you allow yourself to be happy. That is, if your expectations of how the world should be aren't how things are, you feel unhappy, disatisfied. Now, how likely is it that the world is going to conform to your expectations? Even the rich and powerful can't control all the events in their life. What does that mean? It means that you (and they) will likely be unhappy much of the time.

This lady, [Byron Katie] (http://www.thework.com/), addresses that. Her main idea is that the only way you are going to be happy in life is if you love what occurs in your life. She even has a book about it, [loving what is] (http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371/ref=sr_1_1/179-8180109-1575332?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414516651&sr=1-1&keywords=loving+what+is+byron+katie).

Basically, what you are experiencing is one of the consequences of being self-aware; an aspect of the meaning of life question. Katie's answer is only one of the many that people have come up with over our existence. Lots of territory for you to explore. Think of it this way; our happiness is too important to be left to chance.

EDIT: add links

I'm a psychotherapist who has zero training in DBT and who will soon be starting a job at a residential program for teens where DBT is one of the primary treatment modalities. I'll obviously be trained when I get there, but in the meantime I'd like to get as up-to-date as I can so that I don't have to start from scratch.

So, I'd like to buy some books. Specifically, I want books that focus on the practice and theory of DBT, so obviously not self-help books aimed at clients. I've found a few so far and I'll link them below (I'm happy to buy any or all of these books, and obviously any others that people recommend):

1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy in Clinical Practice: Applications across Disorders and Settings
   
   
2. Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Practical Guide (Guides to Individualized Evidence-Based Treatment)
   
   
3. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
   
   
4. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition
   
   Thanks!

Hey there, I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. I'm 30 and was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and I'm going trough something similar.

First, you are not your mom's boyfriend. Being an abusive asshole is a choice and as you said a diagnosis is not an excuse to do bad things. That being said I also currently struggle with viewing myself as a monster. I realized I've really hurt people in the past and right now I'm struggling to forgive myself. I'm working on self compassion and gathering courage to apologize to those people. I have also made a promise to myself that going forward I will do my absolute best to not hurt anyone else with my words or actions.

Regarding things getting better...yes they do, but it takes time.

I was crazy unbearably symptomatic in my early and mid twenties but at that time lived in a country where mental health was non-existent, so I got no professional help whatsoever. The general consensus and also my personal experience is that BPD gets better with age. For me, without treatment, this has meant that I have more self control in not letting my emotions destroy relationships. I don't lash out so often, I'm more hesitant to cut people out, etc. The intensity of the emotions is still the same, but they have less control over me now than they had in the past.

In the past 6 months I've been in an outpatient program that does DBT and it has gradually made my life easier (I was admitted there per-diagnosis, after a suicide attempt). My emotions are still intense, but it takes me less time to calm down. I still dissociate, but I can tell when I'm starting to do so and take action. I don't self harm and drink myself to sleep anymore.

The emptiness is still there. I try to fight it with hobbies and activities, but haven't made much progress yet. I'd love to hear other people's experiences on this one.

I also struggle with knowing who I am or what I like, but I've come to view myself as a collage: I take pieces of other people-likes, hobbies, interests and adopt them as my own. Some of those pieces I keep, some I discard or replace when I meet new people but slowly over time I'm constructing a personality.

Lastly some things that I've found helpful:

The Buddha and The Borderline This book gave me a lot of hope that recovery is possible even late in life, even for severe cases.

Some videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhOotNCqg2E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is-kXJiOaLc&t=41s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZdjbLFPr5k

The Migghty's articles on BPD (not all of them but it is interesting to read about other borderliness experiences)

This Discord server was super helpful for a mini crisis situation yesterday. It is not BPD specific

And most importantly look for a DBT group or therapist. It is really helpful. Or you can start working though a workbook on your own.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or share info on BPD, I'm also figuring all of this out.

And obligatory English is not my native language, sorry if this is difficult to read.

<3

This...shit therapist. Period.

Couple of suggestions from a professional working adult with adhd.

Mindfulness is NOT a panacea. It has been shown in small studies (mobile at the moment so no link) to have beneficial effects to both the adhd particpants and their extended relationships.

A small quote that sums up the practice of Mindfulness that I just ran across this morning "breathing is the act of stringing moment together mindfully".

http://lidiazylowska.com/book/

This is a book which does a good job of making the practices in the small scale studies available. It is methodical if a little tedious. Remember, mindfulness doesn't take "practice" it is practice. However, this book may be useful.

The second book is by a doctor who is related to the notion of mindfulness as a remedy. Kabat-Zinn is an early adopter off the notion that mindfulness CAN help people. He wrote http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787 and it is a wonderfully simple approach to the idea and moment by moment practice of Mindfulness.

Rest assured, it's sometimes a challenge for adhd people to learn then practice, but it is an important element of treatment that when combined with exercise and proper therapy, allows us to self manage more effectively.

You can do this. But it does take work and effort. Maybe these other resources can help.

There are great suggestions here for handling your finances, but I hope you don't mind a non-finance suggestion... I have not been where you are, but it's a constant fear. I'm in the midst of a divorce from a wonderful man, who is not a good partner, and who I worry about taking his own life. The book Tiny Beautiful Things has been something to hold onto, when nothing is making sense. It's healing in a way that doesn't deny how hard, and cruel and capricious these parts of life can be. It's easy to pick up for a while and put down too.

Anyways, just wanted to say how sorry I am you're going through this. I'm glad you're focused on your practicalities, but take care of your heart too. There's no right or wrong way to handle it, and I hope you will come out of this in your own way and your own time. <3

https://www.amazon.com/Tiny-Beautiful-Things-Advice-Sugar/dp/0307949338

Bipolar disorder is much more subtle than it is portrayed. When we shown bipolar disorder by the media it's almost always extreme and over acted. Bipolar is depicted as a type of unhinged crazy. I'm bipolar and know many other bipolars. We might do really stupid things, like go out get drunk and cheat on our wives compulsively but that's hardly eyes-popping-out-of-skull frothing-at-the-mouth insane.

It depends on what you are looking for. If you need the crazy manic character to animate your narrative, then I guess that's where you need to take it. A well considered bipolar character would be rather subtle. Most of us are very good at passing which is why we don't stand out when you bump into us out in great big world of normal everyday life. We come in lots of varieties. Some of us are animated whereas others are quiet and private. We may or may not drink, drug, gamble, spend, don't take medications, or sleep around. You have a fair bit of room, but subtle will be more accurate if you are looking for a character similar to most of us.

Much of the time I would have said copious quantities of sex were the most important thing in a relationship alongside some flexibility about non-monogamy. I've been severely depressed for so long, that care, consideration, and loyalty matter most of all. It takes an extraordinary partner (or maladaptive one) to stick around for a long ride that's this hopeless for this long.

A leading researcher of this disorder also suffers from a severe form of it. She's remarkable and fascinating. She wrote a really good memoir that you read http://www.amazon.com/Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Moods-Madness/dp/0679763309

Don't worry about finding a tradition, usually it finds you...

The first book I ever read on Buddhism was The Buddha's Ancient Path by Piyadassi Thera, which I found in my university library and I think is a very good introduction to Theravada.

Shortly after, I read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. This book, although originally written in English, has proved so popular I've heard it is actually now being translated into Tibetan. In any case it is a good introduction to Tibetan Buddhism, and the Nyingma tradition in particular.

You may want to consider doing some online correspondence course if that appeals to you. Look around for something you like, but I strongly recommend Geshe Tashi Tsering's Foundation of Buddhist Thought, which covers the basics of the four noble truths, the major tenet systems, some pramana and abhidharma, bodhicitta, madhyamaka and tantra. It has teachings from Geshe Tashi, textbooks for each module, a reading list, essay assignments and online discussion groups.

As someone who has had to ask for help many times in my life, I think you should look into counseling. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Hopefully your brother is seeing someone, but I think it would be best if you did, too.

Even though I am an alcoholic, surprisingly, when things are really down. Like I'm super depressed, something kicks in and I find some kind of strength deep down. Something ethereal kicks in and I know that life would get 10x shittier if I drank. This shit has to be processed. It's going to happen at some point in your life. Like that kid's song "Can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it. Guess I'm going to have to go through it."

You are strong. You are way stronger than you even know. We are a resilient species.

I don't know what you're going through. I'm lucky I guess that I drink myself silly when I'm lonely, suffering from anxiety, bored, happy, because I am sad. But when something traumatic happens, I guess it's something that I have to do. I have to feel it. That desire is there, but you have to fight it. You can fight it.

I don't know if this is helping you or not. I'm sending you my thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. Hopefully you'll find comfort in that, human to human.

Also, along with the counseling that you really need, I really recommend this book. It is a book that helps deal with grief. It's half psychologist/psychiatrists' advice/thoughts and half poetry. They have it at most libraries. How To Survive the Loss of a Love I promise it's not mumbo jumbo. My copy has helped me with being dumped, family dying, and even moving.

Also, make a list of all the people who have your back. Don't say no one. You don't mean that. You have people that love you. Instead of focusing on everything that's going wrong in your life (which is a lot) try to physically write everything that is going good in your life. Put those lists on your bathroom mirror or somewhere you'll see them everyday. Read them out loud. These are all the things that I've been telling myself while I struggle with my addiction. They don't help everyday. But they help shift my focus most days.

You're already so much of the way toward controlling your mood disorder since you understand the importance of medication. You're almost there. There will come a time when your days will start becoming just normal.

It helps to be heavily engaged in any activity, job or even hobby that is not highly stressful, and has a social interaction component to it.

Hopefully I haven't rambled on too much. Sorry if I have! And I will finally answer your question. The top recommended books across a couple of sites and on the Amazon Best Sellers in Bipolar Disorder seem to be:

An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison being sold on Amazon for $10

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz being sold on Amazon for $15

Best of luck to you, and remember there are far worse disorders out there. Yours is 100% manageable.

Alright, so most older books you can get on Amazon for rather cheap. I buy used because I'm a cheapskate and don't mind waiting for shipping.

A few of the books I've enjoyed. (In recommended order)

• Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
  
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
• 5 Love Languages

Oh god yes. I confessed all the time. I went on my mission without a whole lot of conviction but during it did my best to obey so I could be worthy of the spirit and a testimony. Boy, was this a perfect recipe for psychological distress. I constantly wondered whether my thoughts were prompting from the spirit or not and I always wondered why I wasn't getting the testimony and burning conviction I'd been promised. "Well, better step it up," I'd think. Probably because I spent 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes writing email. Probably because I thought sexual thoughts. Probably because I had Josh Groban on my iPod. And later, probably because I have an iPod. I kept stepping it up. I wanted so bad to be worthy of god's prompting and dod everything I could to merit it. When I didn't measure up to these unrealistically high expectations, I would step it up. I was ALWAYS confessing and whenever I felt a huge wave of relief, I would think it was the spirit. Nope. Just OCD. I would "sin" like maybe seeing something scandalous on late-nite TV that was sexually arousing. But I wouldn't feel guilty about it, true contrition. So I took seriously D&C " 42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them." So I would confess in order to create embarrassment, shame and guilt so that I could feel godly sorry and truly repent of my seems because after all "...our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." (Alma 12:14)

OCD/Scrupulosity can be a real bitch but it is possible to overcome.of this, I testify (without hesitation). : ) It will take work. Expect to do a lot of reading. In addition to these books below, I recommend finding a therapist.

Learning about mindfulness really helped. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic-ebook/dp/B005NJ2T1G.

I also recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787.

This: http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your-Brain/dp/1583334831

This: http://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Fold-Marlene-Winell/dp/1933993235

And this one:http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

That Mormon Stories podcast really helped me. I think there's a few of them. It put a name to something I'd just thought was normal. I just remember thinking "That's me!" If only someone had had the wherewithal to say "Young man, all this confessing isn't ok. Let's get you some help." I was consumed by guilt and shame all the time, never measuring up. So I'd step it up. The idea of "worthiness" was incredibly harmful to me. We are all worthy of love, of respect, and acceptance.

I also struggled with assertiveness so for what it's worth here's a discussion and some book recommendations and a discussion from last week.

Recovery is possible. I have completely gotten over all that guilt. I learned o get over that nagging guilty feeling or even that feeling like "oh shit! I left the stove on". I've had so many of those. But now I don't. I just started ignoring them. "Fuck it. Let my house burn down." What I once thought was the spirit, I now know was just my brain. Now I don't feel that. My brain has rewires so that those feelings don't come up anymore. And now I have done everything I always feared and "far worse"--I've had sex outside marriage (I was never married) and so broke my "covenants" from the temple, I've smoked weed, drank (though I don't anymore). No guilt, no shame. I'm not saying you need to do those things to get better, I'm just saying that if you'd known me a decade ago, you'd have not believed I would have ever done anything so "wicked".

My point is there's nothing objective about that guilt and shame we felt. It's only because it was instilled in us from an early age. It's a learned response and can be unlearned. We just took the Church and its truth claims and hell and punishment seriously.

Best to you. Feel free to PM me any time. Know that there's hope.

An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by Stephen Miklowitz PhD.

DBT Therapy for Bipolar Disorder

These are my three go-to recommendations. An Unquiet Mind is written from the perspective of someone with BP1 with psychotic features, who is also a professional psychologist and has studied BD for a very long time.

The BD Survival Guide was the first book I read on the subject after my diagnosis. It grounded me, it informed me about the disease and all the ways it can manifest, gave me an idea about the buildup and duration of episodes, as well as providing several enlightening vignettes throughout the text to illustrate points and concepts. 10/10, I consider this mandatory reading for the newly diagnosed or underinformed.

The DBT therapy workbook--truth be told I haven't done much work with it yet, but DBT is regularly touted as one of the most effective treatments for bipolar. So I thought I'd include that.

Best of luck!

A great book is:
The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating https://www.amazon.ca/dp/157224710X/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_T6a.wbP07B1Q4

Don't know if anyone is into Buddhism or not but the basic mindfulness skills are helpful. Both my psychiatrist and I own the book, and he's Jewish so you don't have to believe in Buddhism to like the book. It's mostly something nice to relate to and find hope. It's kinda triggering though so be weary!! But that's because it's relatable!

Wow, second time today on this sub I have recommended this book. It sounds to me like you have some work to do on yourself before taking such drastic action. Who are you and what does it take for you to be truly happy?

However, the absolute best part of being an adult is that you get to do whatever you want. So go for it! Nuclear option. You really have no idea what will happen...

I am going through a similar process and am still healing. Be gentle with yourself. Rest. Learn to forgive. Know that healing takes time and that there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. There is an end. You are alive, you will survive.

Some active things to do to heal that I've found useful.

• Choose which of your friends to talk to and tell about this carefully. Talk to ones who don't silver-line the relationship and tell you to heal. Don't talk to toxic friends. There are no absolutes in healing.
  
• Read self-help books. How To Survive The Loss of a Love and The Velvet Rage both have helped me.
  
• Meditate. Use Headspace. Lie down and listen to meditation for healing after a breakup
  
• Journal for as long as you have feelings in your head. Get them down. Make sure to include both positive and negative thoughts. Stop journaling when it feels like you aren't writing down anything new.
  

I've been reading [Eight Steps to Happiness: The Buddhist Way of Loving Kindness] (http://www.amazon.com/Eight-Steps-Happiness-Buddhist-Kindness/dp/1616060085). It's quite an amazing book. Also The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, is such a powerful jewel which has really been informative.

I'd upvote you a thousand times, if I could.

My mother has bipoler disorder, and I've just finished two amazing books on the subject (1 2), both written by psychologists with personal experience. If you haven't read them, you should check them out :)

For everyone else: Bipolar varies from person to person, but usually people are just 'normal' in that they're perfectly functioning, rational individuals. In a manic state, people can be illogical, impulsive, prone to conspiracy theories, and even experience hallucinations. The chances of suicide are immensely higher for someone with bipolar vs. someone who doesn't have it, especially if it goes untreated.

> his whole family just let him go off to a far away country prompted by a buncha dodgy fuckers and a pipe dream ?

Sorry, OP, but you just don't know what you're talking about. I can't control my mother, not because she's out of control, just because she's perfectly in-control until she has an episode (which can be days apart... or decades). It's not like someone is delusional or obviously handicapped and needs constant care. Most of the time they're just fine. Medication helps a lot, but people frequently have 'breakthrough' episodes, or quit because they 'feel better' or don't like the side effects. It's also very common that sufferers of bipolar get mixed up with drugs/alcohol, as bodangy mentioned, in an attempt to self-medicate or induce a manic state (which can be a euphoric experience for the individual). Financial problems, spending sprees and impulsive trips are very common, in my experience.

I'm not saying that they're never responsible for their actions, just that their disease has a large tendency to get them into a lot of trouble via bad decisions made in a temporary state. It also affects those around them, who have no idea if next week they'll have to pull someone out of the hospital, undo that loan they took out on their house for some crazy reason, or lobby the Supreme People's Court of China to have their execution stayed. Okay that last one probably doesn't happen too often :)

Anyhow, I hope I could add to bodangy's post (best of luck, btw).

Neal Peart, the drummer from the band Rush lost both his wife and daughter in a very short time period. He was depressed to the point of suicide, but he decided to quit the band and go on a trip with no end on his R1200 GS. He went all around Canada, the US, and South America.

At the end of it, he had a completely new lease on life, and he wrote an incredible book about his experiences

I would HIGHLY recommend this book; it's what made me want to ride in the first place, and made me aware of the bond between man and machine.

Thanks for sharing your story OP, I love reading stuff like this :)

Death is tough to deal with no matter your beliefs. Get together with mutual friends and family members. Remember the times you spent together with each other. Be shoulders to cry on for each other. Grieve and mourn as you need to. Things will get better over time. Keep in mind that you still have your life to live, and count yourself fortunate in that respect. Your life will go on.

By the way, we bought this book for our three year old daughter to explain death. It's actually a beautiful book, and she's picked up on the concept that for every life, there's a beginning and an ending, and living in between. It's meant as a book for kids, but the message is pretty solid for everyone: life has a beginning and an ending for everyone, but in between, there's living. Enjoy the living part as best you can.

Cool then I think you'll get these! If you don't know them already.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is the most famous one. I read it over and over. He also has tons of videos on YouTube.

The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer is the same principles but in much plainer English.

The Work by Byron Katie is an actual exercise you can do to challenge your thoughts. You ask four questions, and it helps deconstruct your thoughts and show you how untrue they are. And once you know they're not true, they lose their power. She also has lots of videos on YouTube.

Check out the reviews or vids and see if any speak to you. Books saved my life, it's amazing how something that costs $2 (I get them used) can change so much.

I am so sorry! I have been there twice and it is amazing how quickly you become attached and how your world gets upside down. I have a D&C with both and they able to send tissue samples off for testing. Do take the time that you need, but I was able to get pregnant two months later and am now 19 weeks along. You will be amazed at the number of women who come out of the woodwork to tell you that they have been there too. Its a sad but very large club you have just become a part of. I know reddit is mostly not religious, which is def not my case, so my friend bought me the book Heaven is for real which was a huge comfort for my husband and I. xoxo