(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best books

We found 719,500 Reddit comments discussing the best books. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 224,006 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.

21. Head First Design Patterns: A Brain-Friendly Guide

    Features:
  • O'Reilly Media
Head First Design Patterns: A Brain-Friendly Guide
Specs:
Height9.25 Inches
Length8 Inches
Number of items1
Weight2.29 pounds
Width1.4 Inches
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22. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

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  • Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
Specs:
ColorWhite
Height9 inches
Length6.02 inches
Number of items1
Release dateJanuary 2012
Weight0.66 Pounds
Width0.74 inches
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23. Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

    Features:
  • Createspace
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
Specs:
Height8.5 Inches
Length5.51 Inches
Number of items1
Weight0.68 Pounds
Width0.55 Inches
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24. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

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  • Celestial Arts
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
Specs:
Height8.98 Inches
Length6 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateMarch 2009
Weight0.90830451944 Pounds
Width0.75 Inches
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25. The Flavor Bible: The Essential Guide to Culinary Creativity, Based on the Wisdom of America's Most Imaginative Chefs

    Features:
  • Little Brown and Company
The Flavor Bible: The Essential Guide to Culinary Creativity, Based on the Wisdom of America's Most Imaginative Chefs
Specs:
Height10.45 Inches
Length8.05 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateSeptember 2008
Weight3.1 Pounds
Width1.55 Inches
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26. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

    Features:
  • Northfield Publishing
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Specs:
Height8.5 Inches
Length5.5 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateJanuary 2015
Weight0.45 Pounds
Width0.39 Inches
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27. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition

    Features:
  • Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
  • Must read book
  • It is made up of premium quality material.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition
Specs:
Height8 Inches
Length5.31 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateDecember 2006
Weight0.61288508836 Pounds
Width0.84 Inches
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28. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

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  • Simon Schuster
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
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Height9 Inches
Length6 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateMarch 2015
Weight0.79 Pounds
Width1 Inches
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29. Head First Java, 2nd Edition

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  • O'Reilly Media
Head First Java, 2nd Edition
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Height9.25 Inches
Length8 Inches
Number of items1
Weight3 Pounds
Width1.48 Inches
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30. Cracking the Coding Interview: 150 Programming Questions and Solutions

    Features:
  • MIT Press MA
Cracking the Coding Interview: 150 Programming Questions and Solutions
Specs:
Height9.01573 Inches
Length5.98424 Inches
Number of items1
Weight1.49032489112 Pounds
Width1.0251948 Inches
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31. A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam

    Features:
  • The New York Times Bestseller
A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam
Specs:
ColorWhite
Height8.3 Inches
Length5.53 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateAugust 1994
Weight0.87 Pounds
Width1.1 Inches
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32. Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid

    Features:
  • Basic Books AZ
Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid
Specs:
ColorBlack
Height9.25 Inches
Length6.5 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateFebruary 1999
Weight2.3368999772 Pounds
Width1.9 Inches
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33. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

    Features:
  • Broadway Books
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
Specs:
ColorGrey
Height7.99 inches
Length5.24 inches
Number of items1
Release dateJanuary 2013
Weight0.7 pounds
Width0.9 inches
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34. How to Prove It: A Structured Approach, 2nd Edition

    Features:
  • Cambridge University Press
How to Prove It: A Structured Approach, 2nd Edition
Specs:
Height8.95 Inches
Length6.1 Inches
Number of items1
Weight1.1684499886 Pounds
Width0.9 Inches
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35. Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes

    Features:
  • Used Book in Good Condition
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Specs:
Height8.5 Inches
Is adult product1
Length8.5 Inches
Number of items1
Weight0.39903669422 Pounds
Width0.15 Inches
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36. Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art

    Features:
  • Harper Perennial
Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
Specs:
ColorMulticolor
Height0.6 Inches
Length10.1 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateApril 1994
Weight1.15081300764 Pounds
Width6.6 Inches
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37. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! (Adventures of a Curious Character)

    Features:
  • memoir and outrageous observations of physicist Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! (Adventures of a Curious Character)
Specs:
Height8.2999834 Inches
Length5.499989 Inches
Number of items1
Weight0.7 Pounds
Width0.999998 Inches
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38. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

    Features:
  • Marriage
  • Love
  • Psychology
  • Secret
  • Touch
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Specs:
Height9 Inches
Length6 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateJanuary 2010
Weight0.64 Pounds
Width0.39 Inches
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40. How to Brew: Everything You Need To Know To Brew Beer Right The First Time

    Features:
  • Brewers Publications
How to Brew: Everything You Need To Know To Brew Beer Right The First Time
Specs:
Height10.03 inches
Length7.12 inches
Number of items1
Weight1.6203976257 Pounds
Width0.87 inches
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🎓 Reddit experts on books

The comments and opinions expressed on this page are written exclusively by redditors. To provide you with the most relevant data, we sourced opinions from the most knowledgeable Reddit users based the total number of upvotes and downvotes received across comments on subreddits where books are discussed. For your reference and for the sake of transparency, here are the specialists whose opinions mattered the most in our ranking.
Total score: 91,003
Number of comments: 22,696
Relevant subreddits: 8
Total score: 8,986
Number of comments: 2,888
Relevant subreddits: 8
Total score: 6,838
Number of comments: 745
Relevant subreddits: 17
Total score: 5,114
Number of comments: 1,400
Relevant subreddits: 10
Total score: 3,793
Number of comments: 1,046
Relevant subreddits: 7
Total score: 2,876
Number of comments: 1,574
Relevant subreddits: 12
Total score: 2,813
Number of comments: 811
Relevant subreddits: 6
Total score: 2,487
Number of comments: 957
Relevant subreddits: 45
Total score: 1,705
Number of comments: 928
Relevant subreddits: 19
Total score: 1,457
Number of comments: 1,421
Relevant subreddits: 16

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Top Reddit comments about Books:

u/kaidomac · 2 pointsr/findapath

part 2/2

Relationships:

  • You deserve to be in stable, happy, fulfilling relationships with your family, friends, partners, and coworkers. A large part of this is tied into self-esteem & what you think you deserve & what you're willing to accept, so a big part of it is figuring out where your line in the sand is. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, but there's a big difference between tolerating situations, getting by, and being content, versus actually being truly happy & having great, fulfilling relationships.
  • It's important to realize that relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100%/100%. They are a tremendous amount of work, whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a familial relationship with a sibling or parent or a relationship with friends, and the road is often rocky, which is why you have to give a lot & deal with a lot during the course of all relationships. A lot of relationships die not because they're not good, but simply because of a lack of effort on both ends.
  • A really good book is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are only a handful of ways people typically feel loved, and identifying your primary method of input can help you figure out what you want from a relationship, and also figure out how to make your partner feel loved. The five "languages" are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you remember the girl in high school who always needed flowers or chocolates or teddy bears to feel like she was in a loving relationship? That's not shallow, that's just her love language.
  • If you don't know what does it for you & then if you're not getting what you like in your relationship, then you're not going to feel very fulfilled on a regular basis, and likewise, neither is your partner. So it's not just about drawing a line in the sand about what is & isn't acceptable in a relationship, but also about what you want to have in your life & what you need to give to others to help them feel loved.
  • I really like the love-language concept because instead of just "I need to try harder in my relationships", it gives you a clear path forward, i.e. figure out what you want & figure out what those in your lives want & how best to give it to them on a regular basis. Like, my wife really likes the "time spent" one, so anytime I do something like plan a date, she loves it because that's simply how she feels loved, so my effort on that is a way to express my love for her in a way that actually makes her feel loved, rather than what I think will make her feel loved in my mind, but doesn't actually do it in reality, haha!

    Finances:

  • The first thing to do is to pick a number, i.e. figure out how much you want to make every year, based on the cost-of-living in your area & the lifestyle you want to lead. You can literally pick this out thanks to sites like Indeed & Glassdoor, which provide realistic pricing tiers for intro, well-versed, and guru-level experience in different job categories. So the payscales aren't really a question mark anymore...you can literally figure out how much you want to make, research jobs that pay what you want & also match your interests, get training for them, and get to work!
  • The second thing to do is to work out a personal financial system that manages your money for you. You will only accomplish what you set out to achieve & then work on persistently. You already have a solid principle saved up, but managing finances on a day to day basis successful always benefits from having a well-defined set of personal rules for handling things, which includes figuring out how much you want to make at your job & then getting educated in that field & pursuing jobs persistently until you get what you want, as well as having a solid financial system in place for how you deal with each aspect of your financial life - fixed expenses, variable expenses, debt management, retirement savings, living below your means, and so on.
  • The first book I'd recommend is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker, which is a little cheesy, but contains the critical component of changing your mindset about how you think, interface, and deal with money, which is the first place that people get goofed up - having a system comes later; learning how to mentally approach finances is a really huge first step that a lot of financial books miss, because they don't address the psychology behind why we do what we do & how we think.
  • The second book I'd recommend is "The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy Paperback" by Thomas J. Stanley & William D. Danko. This is a data-driven book, so it's not the most exciting read, but it illustrates a lot of actual, factual information & statistics about wealth management. I'd also recommend reading up on FIRE. Again, you only accomplish the things that you work on, so the more good stuff you can invite into your life through research, selection, and effort, the better your long-term results can be!

    Habits:

  • "Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a really fantastic book about how habits operate. I'd highly recommend picking up the audiobook & listening to his story about how he got injured & used tiny habit changes to make huge impacts on his life. Lots of really fantastic concepts in this book!
  • Just to throw an idea out, consider adopting a "personal productivity system" or "PPS", which is simply a set of methods for how to force yourself to do stuff you want to & have to do. Everyone has a PPS, and sometimes they're not so useful because you're stuck with no clear path forward in your life. Having a strong PPS enables you to solve problems & work on things effectively & efficiently. One of the tools I use in my own PPS is the "3P Approach" mentioned earlier, where I break things down into the premise, parts, and procedures required to accomplish what I have to or want to do, rather than just walking around confused with no idea how to really proceed & no idea what I really want, exactly.

    Anyway, don't get overwhelmed by all of this - this isn't all stuff you have to do overnight, instantly, in one big shot. It's like high school - you went there for years, chipped away on things, and eventually grew up & moved on. Improving your life isn't just reading a motivational poster or feeling happy for a day, it's a lifestyle change, and it's going to take some time.

    Just don't be afraid of the big amount of work that it looks like on the surface, because remember, we can only ever really do one thing at a time, so all of the stuff listed above was, for me, the result of decades worth of working on self-improvement to get better results & be happier in my life, because those were really big struggles for me for a long time! The good news is that it gets better, and your results are directly correlated to your decisions & your efforts, so simply by deciding that you want better & then chipping away on it, you'll start to do better & feel better over time!
u/frostylakes · 8 pointsr/comic_crits

Even if this is supposed to be a part of something larger, it should have its own arc. You know what's supposed to happen as the author, so maybe to you, it seems like its fine. But you need to look and craft these things from the perspective of the audience.

I'll use, say, Cowboy Bebop as an example. It's almost entirely a series of self-contained episodes, save for a few episodes that touch on this relationship between Spike and Vicious. But, the self-contained episodes are often iterating and riffing on some of the same overall themes that these connected episodes are built on. Or, when they aren't, they're carried on pure entertainment value. They feel good. They're flat out fun to watch. Or they revel in the absurd, which ties into the show thematically and also rides pure entertainment value.

Fallout: New Vegas does this as well. Side-quests seem self-contained, more or less, but they build on your understanding of the world and they often build on this theme of nostalgia for the Old World, or Old World Blues, as the game eventually puts it. All of the companion character side-quests riff on this theme of clinging to the past or moving forward, the factions all follow in this theme (whether its the major factions modeling their selves after Old World powers or the Brotherhood of Steel finding that they don't belong in the world anymore, so they either need to adapt or cling to the past and die). All of these side quests are self-contained, thus having their own arc and feel satisfying to complete, but also they build on the overarching theme of the game and give the player something to think about once everything is said and done.

You can do this with your own work. You can figure out what it is that you want it to be about and make build on those themes, even just from the start. If you have ideas and themes you want to explore, you can explore them from the start in whatever way you want, and tie it all into something more grand later if you're telling an overall story, or just keep riffing on them in different self-contained scenarios. The main, best thing to keep in mind though is that if this is intended for an audience, you need to write it with the audience experience in mind. Your ideas could be incredible, but the audience would never know it if you've written it to be impenetrable to them, or just so boring that it's unlikely they'll continue to read to get to the good parts.

As an example, I love the show Eureka Seven. Somewhere towards the middle of its run, it has a small arc with a couple of characters named Ray and Charles that culminates in some of the best TV I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. But, I can almost never recommend this show to anyone. The first ~10 to 15ish episodes are a chore. The show sort of acts like you should know who all the characters are already, or doesn't give you a whole lot to work with in terms of giving you something to come back for. For this reason, it took me from when it aired back in 2005 all the way until 2014 to finally finish the show from front to back. There was a ton of good there, but it was so, so difficult to get to it through the start of the show.

So, Entertainment value. Have you read Fiona Staples' and Brian K Vaughan's Saga? The very first panel of the very first page oozes entertainment value, while also giving some great banter to help establish the characters and introduce us to the world. This is a strong opening, and even if there is some lull to the comic afterwards (which there may or may not be depending on your tastes), its given you a taste of what it is and a promise of what its capable of delivering. This is a really great thing to have. If you're aware of Homestuck, it's the GameFAQs FAQ that serves as the end of the comic's first Act that suddenly shows you how the comic will format itself: Lots of nonsensical goofing around until hitting an emotional climax that re-contextualizes the events you had just seen. This isn't at the start of the comic, but entertainment value carries the comic until that point, assuming you're into programming jokes and goofball shenanigans. But, this scene comes so comparatively late that it's likely you've already dropped the comic before getting to the "good part" if these jokes didn't carry the comic for you.

Actual Advice and Critique

Comics are hard, because, unless you have a writer or have an artist to partner with, you're doing both jobs, and the quality of the thing depends both on being well-written and well drawn (or at least some balance between the two that makes it palatable to read). I think that if you think in an actual episodic way, you could improve your writing a ton. With this comic, the arc would be "how did Lasereye become Lasereye?" It's potentially a pretty good premise, right? You'll establish a character and have plenty of chances to create entertaining scenarios because... It's your story! Lasereye became Lasereye in whatever way you decide he did. Go crazy, tell us a story! How did some young, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed kid turn into some dude in a slum with one eye glowing brighter than ever and the other dim and jaded? Telling this in three pages would actually be a great exercise.

Your art is rough in that it looks like you could use learning some base fundamental things like human anatomy. Your palette and the food stand itself reminds me of Kill Six Billion Demons though, which is great. You've created a good atmosphere in panels 1, 2, and the last panel on the last page, despite the artwork itself being rough. That's great! You know how a thing should feel. That's a great thing to have down pat that will only continue to be a boon as your technical skill improves (and it will if you work at it!). I think that if you buckle down and grind through learning how to draw, you could make very great, visually appealing work.

There's a problem in page flow on Page 2. Here I've shown how your page directs the eye with red lines. The way the page is laid out, you end up reading the fifth panel before you read the fourth panel, which will cause a reader to have to double back to read things in order. You don't want that. You'll wanna keep an eye out for how your pages read in the future. Just give them a once-over and ask where the eye would naturally go following the lines on the page.

So, if you aren't currently, learning human anatomy would be a great place to start placing effort. If you have access, figure drawing classes and the such would be a great way to start working on that. It helps immensely to have others around who can help you if you aren't sure what you're doing at first. Books on comics in general would be a good place to go as well. Understanding Comics and Making Comics, both by by Scott McCloud, are good introductory texts. Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative by Will Eisner and Comics and Sequential Art: Principles and Practices from the Legendary Cartoonist also by Will Eisner would be good as well.

For writing, Dan Harmon's Channel 101 guides will be great tutorials as he's one of the best working writers today in episodic TV. I'm aware this isn't directly comics, but the best writing advice is rarely going to come from a comics-focused book. Will Eisner will tell you how to use visuals to your advantage in telling a story, but the nitty-gritty of actually writing will have to come from somewhere else. The Hero of a Thousand Faces by Joseph Cambell may help you understand structure further. This is what Dan Harmon is riffing on and working off of with his Story Circles, but adapted slightly for the sake of episodic television. Film Crit Hulk, an online movie critic/ the Incredible Hulk has a screenwriting book called Screenwriting 101. It's invaluable. I highly recommend it, even if it isn't directly about comic writing. You'll be able to adapt the advice as you work in your own medium.

u/TooManyInLitter · 2 pointsr/atheism

> How did you come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist?

The person making a positive claim assumes the burden of proof. Your Christian friend rejected the null hypothesis that {supernatural deities exist} and accepted the alternate hypothesis that {supernatural deities exists}. What evidence is there to support/justification of the null hypothesis and accept the alternate?

Ask your friend to please present the reasons they believe in the God Horus. If you have evidence to support Horus as your God, evidence that is verifiable and falsifiable, or a philosophical argument that can actually be shown to be linked to a natural physicalistic causality-limited universe, evidence that is not an emotional or feeling based subjective experience based upon confirmation bias from prior knowledge of what your "God" image may be, please feel free to present it.

How is that justification for belief in Horus coming along?

I don't think the Christian believes in Horus. And this is the basis for the atheism worldview.

It's not so much the evidence that one can provide (unless you will accept the 'lack of evidence' as evidence) for atheism. Rather it is such an overwhelming lack of any credible evidence that one can identify, or is put forth by others, to support a belief in supernatural deities. One cannot justify rejection of the null hypothesis that {supernatural deities do not exist} and accept/justify/support the alternative hypothesis that {supernatural deities do exist}.

It is possible to argue that this same position can be used for a theist to justify their belief structure over other differing theistic positions, as many theists claim that they believe based upon a feeling or emotion and/or have Religious Faith (i.e., religious belief without evidence) that supernatural deities are real and that their religious belief in supernatural deities is correct.

However, this position of Religious Faith for their own religious worldview is often the same reason they do not subscribe or believe in many other theistic worldviews - there is no evidence to support belief in the supernatural deities of other religious worldviews; they do not have Faith in other supernatural deities. For example, do adherents to any of the following example supernatural deity triads accept or propose belief in the existence of the other triads listed to which they do not have Religious Faith (or belief without evidence)?

  • Egyptian: Osiris, Isis, Horus<br />
  • Canaanite – Early Israelite: El the Father God, Asherah the Wife/Consort (depicted as a Serpent), Baal-Hadad
  • Hindu Trimurti: Brahma - the Creator, Vishnu - the Maintainer, Shiva - the Destroyer
  • Olympian Greek Religion: Zeus, Athena, Apollo
  • Roman Capitoline Triad: Jupiter, Juno, Minerva
  • Sumerian: Anu, Ea, Enlil
  • Babylonian: Shamash, Ishtar, Tammuz
  • Christianity: Yahweh, Holy Spirit, Jesus

    Related statement concerning the belief in "God": We are all functionally atheists, there just is no evidence to justify support of one, or more, (depending on mono- vs. poly-theistic beliefs) supernatural deity(ies) than a Christian, a theist does.

    &gt; Return and repent before its too late. Death may be around the corner...

    Pascal's Wager? But let's take that self-serving piece of shit statement at face value - What is the purpose of an infinite eternity in Heaven?

    Why? Or better, why strive for Heaven?

    What is Heaven? According to Christianity, heaven is the purpose of all things. Heaven is the reason we live. Heaven is the reason Christ came and the reason he died for our sins. Heaven is the motivator of all of the apostles. Nothing is more important than heaven. Family, love, money, all of these things come second to heaven. [Source]

    Then;

    What is the purpose of Heaven? Heaven is life in its perfected state. We, as creatures of God, are not designed to live in an imperfect world. We are designed to live in a world free from the corruption of sin. We are designed to live in the presence of God where we are free to worship, socialize, and discuss. This life is only a temporary existence. Heaven is where we can exist forever. The day heaven’s gates are opened is the day we begin our lives, not here on earth. The purpose of heaven is to provide a place for us to live. [Source]

    Then;

    What is the purpose of living for eternity in a perfected state with God? In a perfected state with God to provide all it would be Eternally Perfect (and ultimately, Undifferentiated) Bliss, all there is to be known would become known; eternal life in Heaven would quickly become static, unchanging, unremarkable and boring spent in worship of God. Eternal life is ultimately pointless and without merit.

    The real question is: Ultimately, what is the difference between heaven and hell?

    Nothing. Against an infinite eternity, Heaven and Hell are interchangeable.

    ----

    Here are some suggestions for Christian debate topics:

  • The actions attributed to God in the bible are all of a positive morality
  • Yahweh is and always been the one and only true God
  • The purpose of an infinite eternity in heaven and why that purpose is good for those in heaven
  • Evidence to support the mind-body dualism of a soul
  • Evidence to support that the Christian God is the creator of the universe and still intervenes within the universe in a meaningful way
  • Present a coherent definition of God and show how free will is possible (or impossible) under that construct
  • Evidence to support the resurrection of Christ that is non-Biblical
  • Why has prayer never resulted in the healing of an amputee to include at least one healed and fully finctional bone joint?
  • How the conclusion of the parable of the Ten Minas concludes with a positive morality:

    Luke 19:27 But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them — bring them here and kill them in front of me.

  • Genesis 3 (if you are a Genesis literalist) - Justify Christian morality against the Serpent (or Adversary) giving humankind morality (knowledge of good and evil) when God/Yahweh had decreed that humankind was not to have morality (forbid humans to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil).
  • Why the divine or inspired word of God and Christ and the Spirit was so directed and appropriate for a small low-population tribe of desert dwellers with it's late bronze age/early iron age society applies to today's society.
  • Why the overwhelming majority of Christians, in the one true religion for the one true and only God, seem to be only located in geo-political-socio-groups that they were born, and indoctrinated, into rather than distributed throughout other regions where other religions are prominent.
  • Does God have free will?
  • Why worship a God, Yahweh/YHWH, as the one true and only mono-theistic God when all historical documentation shows that Yahweh did not start out as anything more than a subordinate desert rain/fertility/warrior god to the Canaanite/Ugarit people that would later become known as Israelites (and hence to Jews and from there Christians and Muslims). During the period that Genesis and Exodus (1450-1410 BCE'ish) were (supposedly) being written, represented a time when the religion of the region was still in convergence, differentiation and displacement (synthesis and syncretism) of the polytheistic triad of the most prominent Canaanite and Ugarit Gods: El (the father God), Asherah (goddess, wife or companion to El), and Baal (storm/rain God, son of El) [though there is reference in Ugarit documents to Yahweh also being one of the sons of El] to the monolatry of the storm/rain God Yahweh and from there to monotheistic worship where Yahweh took the supreme position. References to Gods that predate, and are contemporary to, Yahweh can be found throughout the old testament.

    More online references with discussion the origin of the monotheistic God of Israel:

  • Israelite Religion to Judaism: the Evolution of the Religion of Israel
  • The Origins and Gradual Adoption of Monotheism Amongst the Ancient Israelites
  • The evolution of God
  • Ugarit and the Bible

    Other:

  • The Early History of God: Yahweh and the Other Deities in Ancient Israel by Mark Smith
  • The Origins of Biblical Monotheism: Israel's Polytheistic Background and the Ugaritic Texts by Mark S. Smith
  • A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam by Karen Armstrong
  • The Religion of Ancient Israel (Library of Ancient Israel) by Patrick D. Miller
  • Religions of Ancient Israel: A Synthesis of Parallactic Approaches by Ziony Zevit

u/toilnorspin · 3 pointsr/Catholicism

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1501357551&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1501358158&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/sex

You are welcome...thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

To put a little context to my perspective, my wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 15. We had a rough patch that started about 6 years ago (in hindsight; at the time we didn't really see it) and progressively got worse until things came to a head about 18 months ago. We both committed some sins during that time (no cheating), but mostly our problem was a total breakdown in communication beyond the mundane day-to-day. We started counseling just over a year ago and basically started learning communication skills from scratch. It was totally remedial at first, but totally necessary, and it's improved everything in our relationship. We went from near divorce a year ago to happier, more stable, and more secure than we've ever been today. If you're really curious, I wrote a novella about it in response to this post, but that's the gist of it.

&gt; I've watched a lot of sitcoms in my day, so I feel like I have a good grip on 90s Couple Dispute tactics such as using neutral terms like "I feel" and not putting the pressure on her.

That was one of the big ones I had to work on. I used to say things like, "You did XXX, that was wrong (or unfair or whatever)." Basically, I put a value judgement on it, and by extension I was judging her. In response, my wife would put up her defenses.

&gt; I don't know how to stop her from beating herself up, and whether she's right or not it broke my heart when she said that she thinks the problem is all on her side

I don't know, either. My wife does that to some extent. Some of it was due to the way I was communicating (we joke now that I used to communicate at her) and some of it is just how she's wired, I guess. Talking through our issues over the past year and realizing that there are no problems that are 100% on one of us has helped a lot. Still, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would take it away.

&gt; ...she pretty much shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's her way of dealing...

Try to recognize that for what it is: her defense mechanism. She feels threatened and afraid and doesn't know what to do, so she shuts down. She's not dealing with it, though, she's doing the opposite. It sucks, and it's not exactly fair to you, but it is what it is. My wife is very similar, only instead of "I don't want to talk about it" she would shut down and then tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to make the discussion go away. I'd leave it thinking we'd reached some sort of consensus, while she wouldn't be able to say what it was an hour later. That obviously didn't work out well for us ;)

The way I approach it now is to avoid setting off my wife's defenses in the first place. In the movie "Snatch", there's the scene where the two guys try to rob the bookie. The cashier is totally calm, then she pushes a button and suddenly the bulletproof barrier drops and they're walled off. That's exactly how my wife is. If her defenses get triggered, that's it, we're done. We take a break and come back to it in a few minutes if we can. Otherwise, it waits until later and I try to voice my concern from a different angle. That doesn't happen too much anymore now that I've gotten a lot better at replacing "you did" with "I feel".

&gt; "I wish we could communicate like x" or "i want you to be able to y" or things like that. It could be harmless but I am concerned about how much I pressure her with how I want her to act.

It could be harmless, or she could be hearing, "You're worthless" when you say something like that. Never underestimate the ability of someone to hear what they think they're supposed to rather than what you're actually saying.

My wife and I have always had a decent sex life, but we've never really been able to communicate openly. I used to say something like, "I wish we could talk openly about sex." I never put it on her, but I never got anywhere either. Maybe the word "wish" turned her off because she saw herself as the bigger roadblock and she instead heard, "I wish you were different." I don't know.

Last week, though, I asked her to have a conversation. I identified the issue (We are not able to talk about sex openly), and expressed my desire to work together on it. I suggested that since our new communication framework worked so well to work through our conflicts, then maybe it would work to communicate about other uncomfortable topics and asked her to try it with me. She enthusiastically agreed to try. I made it all about us and framed it as something we would work on together and the result was progress instead of the defensiveness that always happened in the past. Maybe a similar approach could work for some of the things you would like to change?

&gt; Unless an argument is actively happening I don't really know how to bring this stuff up.

Schedule it. Ask her to join you in a conversation at a defined point, and bring it up then. If you bring it up in an argument, you risk emotions clouding your judgement. Looking back, I don't think my wife and I have ever had a meaningful conversation born out of an argument. If you bring it up without warning, you risk blind-siding her and making her extra defensive. If you schedule it, though, you give her a chance to get over her initial nervousness and you give yourself an opportunity to gather your thoughts. She'll probably be apprehensive at the start (especially if it's a topic you've discussed before), but you still have the advantage of being able to anticipate it and trying to put her at ease from the start.

&gt; I think I'm the jealous type and I definitely have some narcissism in me (I spend a lot of time on raisedbynarcissists), but I shouldn't be jealous of her goddamned cell phone.

I don't think that's narcissism. I think you just crave quality time, so you behave in that way towards her and feel neglected when she does not behave that way towards you.

I can't recommend the book The Five Love Languages strongly enough. The first thing my wife and I did when we were trying to turn things around was read it. I don't know that it saved our marriage, but it certainly helped us to find enough good in it that it was worth the hard work needed to save it. Every last word in that book is common fucking sense, but for some reason we needed it pointed out to us. Everyone I know who's read it feels the same way. It's a book that I honestly think everyone needs to read.

The gist is that there are five "love languages" we all use to express and feel love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality Time. We're all wired to "speak" one or two of them as our main language. It's how we show love, and how we perceive love that is directed towards us. Couples rarely match up perfectly, though. One partner may show love (e.g. by sitting close and paying attention while the other plays a game) that the other misses entirely if she doesn't speak that language. At the same time, she doesn't show love that way, so he feels slighted and unappreciated.

I know I felt unloved before I read that book. So did my wife. Afterwards, though, I realized that she was showing me love in her ways all the time, I was just missing it. And I realized that she was missing the ways I was showing her love. Just having that understanding was huge, and it was fairly easy then to adjust our behaviors a little and speak the love language that the other understood. Where before I felt nagged about taking out the trash, now I do it automatically because I know it'll put a smile on my wife's face.

Seriously, read the book. It's a fast, simple read that you can knock out in an evening, and I'm certain you'll take at least something useful from it.

Anyway, I've probably rambled enough for now...I'm happy to keep the conversation going if you'd like to, though I probably won't respond again tonight. In any case, good luck to you!

u/not_lexihu · 1 pointr/mbti

[2 of 4]

  • How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
    • I think this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I like many things, or so I like to believe. Like I feel that everything’s interesting and everything is connected somehow through symbols. I like thinking about these symbols and connections constantly. So my ideas are about concepts mostly. I can’t remember facts if I can’t attach them to concepts that make sense to me.
    • This has been my latest conflict I have to say. I started a career in EE, and then I shifted to computer science. I’ve wanted since I was an undergrad to start a research path, but I’ve been struggling to find something I really really love. I am not good at taking decisions, but an academic path looks now like my best bet for not working in a desk never again (I like having my own desk at home, though).
    • I’m confident everything will be good at the end, and I am confident I can do almost anything. Not trying to be cocky, is just that I know I’m physically and mentally capable of learning anything (in the realm of normal stuff, of course I won’t build a heavy falcon myself), so unless that does not change, I’m good. On the other hand, being so certain about that backfires at me, filling my head with “what ifs”
    • I have this bad habit of reading (and most of the time not finishing) books in parallel, now I’m reading about
    • I pick a chapter until I finish it, and then I move on to the next book, when I have time. I’ve lost interest in reading fiction, I get that from reading graphic novels and manga, mostly. If it matters something, currently ongoing mangas I like are Hajime no Ippo, One Piece, Vinland Saga and The Promised Neverland.
  • Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
    • I’m not very good at getting stuff done so I would probably suck as a leader of anything. But hey, I am good listening to people and helping them improve. I also don’t think I’m a good teamplayer. I’m bad at following instructions if I don’t trust them. During college I was the guy that ended redoing the work of others during group assignments, because I either I was not satisfied with their work or I was not good at giving instructions. I didn’t know at that moment I was being a dick and I know now, and it’s not something I’m proud of. I'm working on it.
  • Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
    • I used to draw more when I was younger, and did a bit of woodwork also. I had plants. I like to cook, and have strong opinions on food. I like creating stuff with my hands, I consider myself a creative person. In short, I am coordinated, but not so with team activities like team sports.
  • Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
    • It’s hard to pin down what kind of art I like, I just know I like something after I’ve seen it or told about, with no particular topic. I don’t understand sculpture, and I vaguely get poetry. Regarding drawing, I appreciate the flow and light in shapes. I was into human figure for some years, and I did a lot of drawings that were good.
    • I know a bit of guitar and ukulele, but I never played for others than girls I like. I am too shy of my voice, my singing and technique, I know it needs improving. I took singing classes once but with only the gist of it I got it’s something that requires more discipline and time than what I’m willing to spend.
  • What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
    • uhm, now I strive to live a life that maximises happiness and minimizes regret. At my age I think I know enough about the things I can control, and play along with that hand, always with the best intentions, and I am optimist about the future.
    • Sometimes I regret not being like this in the past, however, and I see myself revisiting things I would have done better, like studying more, eating better, loved more.
  • How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
    • I always help, I believe in karma as a thing (I mean, not religiously) and that life has been really good to me. I don’t help when I know I can’t help, or when I’m being ordered to or asked in a bad way i.e. makes me feel bad. I have trouble noticing these situations though.
u/CompleteWave · 8 pointsr/minimalism

Think of your goals with minimalism. What does your ideal life look like once you’ve minimized? You want to focus on relationships and that’s a worthwhile and common reason, but I’d encourage you to get more specific, and also to consider the practical reasons as they pertain to your health and lifestyle.

To give you a personal example, I focused on three things: saving money and curbing the need to ‘buy, buy, buy’, being mobile and able to travel while taking the important things with me, and to stay organized.

I work weird hours and I need to move frequently for my job, I didn’t want the hassle of moving a bunch of stuff I didn’t really need - you know, the just in case things and the never been used things. Because I’m usually sleep deprived I get scatter brained, so not having a manageable amount of items means I can’t lose them. Instead of duplicates which I’d end up misplacing I just have one of (almost) everything, and if it’s not on me it’s in its ‘home’. No more frantically running around and leaving for work I’m the morning having already lost my patience because I couldn’t find my eye drops.

I have some free time so I’ll just write you a long story:

It’s taken me years, but the catalyst was that when I first moved out I lived with a roommate who wasn’t very clean and we developed a pest problem and lice - I know that lice are not caused by hygiene, but her disorganization and disregard meant she didn’t address the problem in an effective or timely manner. I moved out abruptly to a generous friend’s place. I had a large wardrobe I’d accumulated over adolescence and most of it was hang to dry/hand wash, I sanitized anything that was dryer friendly and I put the rest in garbage bags for 2 weeks. I retrieved a single hoodie 15 days later and guess what? I re-infested myself.

I have GAD so I was at my wit’s end, I put all of my clothes in the dryer and a lot of them shrunk or started falling apart. I’d been housesitting prior to my first official move so technically I’d moved three times over the course of 5 months. I couldn’t find any of my things, I never had time to unbox everything or put it away, and I realized that my copious amount of stuff was impeding my ability to enjoy or adjust to my new space. The possessions I hauled with me were actually preventing me from feeling at home!

So I began a long process of discarding old items, by giving them away or donating them whenever possible. I also lost weight, so my remaining clothes were no longer very functional. At first I bought a lot of new things but ended up donating them again pretty often, and I started asking myself these questions repeatedly: with the things I have now, how stressful would it be if I had to move again? Why am I continuing to bring new things into the house and why do I feel compelled to shop?

I realized that having lots of clothes that only served one purpose (formal, casual, winter) wasn’t compatible with my lifestyle. Because I travel so much, I need everything to be versatile and easily washed. I realized I was buying a lot of ‘aspirational’ items, things I was anticipating I would use or bought with the intention of changing my style in some way, but I didn’t have a clear direction.

When I purchase something now i think about whether I really need it or if I have something else that serves the purpose, that I’m forgetting about. I don’t ‘go shopping’, I buy items when I’ve clearly established a need for them, and I consider what I’ll wear it with, where I’ll wear it, how I need to care for it, and ultimately the room it takes up in a suitcase. I research before I buy. Every time I go to a store I know why I’m there before I enter. I might see a new version of something and think, “I’d like that, but it’s not urgent. The one I have right now is good enough, but if/when the time comes I’ll upgrade to this.” Because I choose my things carefully I’m always satisfied and don’t really feel temptation. Impulse buys never happen unless it’s a gift.

I’ve noticed I’ve become much more resourceful, this is a minor example but a few days ago I went to use a tote bag a friend had given me, and it’s got a clear window on one side that I wanted to cover. I took a scarf I had and tied it to both handles, and secured it with a hair clip so it’s covering the window. It sounds trivial but a solution like that probably wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I would just think ‘I’ll get another tote bag’. Now I can use my free one and it looks really cute.

Instead of trying to impress others I impress myself by solving problems effectively, when I decide not to buy something because I spot a pitfall I give myself an inner high five - I’ve totally changed the way I see my things and where I get my excitement from, but that mental change has taken almost three years. After the whole lice/weight loss fiasco I got to a point where I had less than a dozen items and almost all of them were from the men’s section of value village (I’m female). I’ve literally rebuilt from the ground up.

Financially I have found freedom because I own everything I need to own, I only need to spend money on things when I need to replace or mend something, so hardly ever. I’m able to live comfortably with very few items because I don’t need a large wardrobe right now, and if my work setting changes I have the money to invest in new pieces - no need to worry about ‘just in case’. Instead I can take time off of work and contribute to baby showers, I sent my mother and grandmother a gift for Mother’s Day as it’s the first time I’ve been out of my home province this time of year. I know those things aren’t unusual but I have a good fund to draw from to do so.

My goal when I finally started rebuilding my wardrobe and overall collection of life tools was to reach a point where I had everything I needed, as I stated above, and only needed to maintain. That’s what I tell people if it ever comes up and it’s the honest answer, it’s also easy to understand and relate to.

I still like to have nice things, but instead of something just being trendy, I have items that are useful, aesthetically appealing, and over time they gain a sentimental aspect that I rarely ever developed before - when you use things often and have them for over a year you get that ‘favorite sweater’ feeling, only there’s just one sweater so it’s your favorite by default 😉I think it is important to value the things you have, you just have to value them for what they give/do for you, not because you think other people will value them.

This lifestyle/way of thought has been great fir me and my stress level. Just knowing where everything is has been a weight lifted. Not only do i not lose my keys, I know where my clothes are - drawer, laundry, on my body. I just have my shit together.

Hopefully reading this will be helpful.

TL/DR; https://www.amazon.ca/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308

u/intergalactic_wag · 11 pointsr/Marriage

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

  1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.

  2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.

  3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?

  4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
    https://www.headspace.com/

  5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
    http://stronglifts.com/

  6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
    http://altshiftdiet.com/

  7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
    https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1474568476&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk

  8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
    https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X

  9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
    https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys

  10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1474568493&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=chris+voss

  11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1436544375&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=come+as+you+are

  12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.

  13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.

    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.

    Best of luck!
u/CriticalLobster · 1 pointr/cscareerquestions

&gt; I assume I ought to check it out after my discrete math class? Or does CLRS teach the proofs as if the reader has no background knowledge about proofs?

Sadly it does not teach proofs. You will need to substitute this on your own. You don't need deep proof knowledge, but just the ability to follow a proof, even if it means you have to sit there for 2-3 minutes on one sentence just to understand it (which becomes much easier as you do more of this).

&gt; We didn't do proof by induction, though I have learned a small (very small) amount of it through reading a book called Essentials of Computer Programs by Haynes, Wand, and Friedman. But I don't really count that as "learning it," more so being exposed to the idea of it.

This is better than nothing, however I recommend you get very comfortable with it because it's a cornerstone of proofs. For example, can you prove that there are less than 2 ^ (h+1) nodes in any perfect binary tree of height h? Things like that.

&gt; We did go over Delta Epsilon, but nothing in great detail (unless you count things like finding the delta or epsilon in a certain equation). If it helps give you a better understanding, the curriculum consisted of things like derivatives, integrals, optimization, related rates, rotating a graph around the x/y-axis or a line, linearization, Newton's Method, and a few others I'm forgetting right now. Though we never proved why any of it could work, we were just taught the material. Which I don't disagree with since, given the fact that it's a general Calc 1 course, so some if not most students aren't going to be using the proofs for such topics later in life.

That's okay, you will need to be able to do calculations too. There are people who spend all their time doing proofs and then for some odd reason can't even do basic integration. Being able to do both is important. Plus this knowledge will make dealing with other math concepts easier. It's good.

&gt; I can completely understand that. I myself want to be as prepared as possible, even if it means going out and learning about proofs of Calc 1 topics if it helps me become a better computer scientist. I just hope that's a last resort, and my uni can at least provide foundation for such areas.

In my honest opinion, a lot of people put too much weight on calculus. Computer science is very much in line with discrete math. The areas where it gets more 'real numbery' is when you get into numerical methods, machine learning, graphics, etc. Anything related to theory of computation will probably be discrete math. If your goal is to get good at data structures and algorithms, most of your time will be spent on discrete topics. You don't need to be a discrete math genius to do this stuff, all you need is some discrete math, some calc (which you already have), induction, and the rest you can pick up as you go.

If you want to be the best you can be, I recommend trying that book I linked first to get your feet wet. After that, try CLRS. Then try TAOCP.

Do not however throw away the practical side of CS if you want to get into industry. Reading TAOCP would make you really good but it doesn't mean shit if you can't program. Even the author of TAOCP, Knuth, says being polarized completely one way (all theory, or all programming, and none of the other) is not good.

&gt; From reading ahead in your post, is Skiena's Manual something worth investing to hone my skills in topics like proof skills? I'll probably pick it up eventually since I've heard nothing but good things about it, but still. Does Skiena's Manual teach proofing skills to those without them/are not good at them? Or is there a separate book for that?

You could, at worst you will get a deeper understanding of the data structure and how to implement them if the proof goes over your head... which is okay, no one on this planet starts off good at this stuff. After you do this for a year you will be able to probably sit down and casually read the proofs in these books (or that is how long it took me).

Overall his book is the best because it's the most fun to read (CLRS is sadly dry), and TAOCP may be overkill right now. There are probably other good books too.

&gt; I guess going off of that, does one need a certain background to be able to do proofs correctly/successfully, such as having completed a certain level of math or having a certain mindset?

This is developed over time. You will struggle... trust me. There will be days where you feel like you're useless but it continues growing over a month. Try to do a proof a day and give yourself 20-30 minutes to think about things. Don't try insane stuff cause you'll only demoralize yourself. If you want a good start, this is a book a lot of myself and my classmates started on. If you've never done formal proofs before, you will experience exactly what I said about choking on these problems. Don't give up. I don't know anyone who had never done proofs before and didn't struggle like mad for the first and second chapter.

&gt; I mean, I like the material I'm learning and doing programming, and I think I'd like to do at least be above average (as evident by the fact that I'm going out of my way to study ahead and read in my free time). But I have no clue if I'll like discrete math/proving things, or if TAOCP will be right for me.

Most people end up having to do proofs and are forced to because of their curriculum. They would struggle and quit otherwise, but because they have to know it they go ahead with it anyways. After their hard work they realize how important it is, but this is not something you can experience until you get there.

I would say if you have classes coming up that deal with proofs, let them teach you it and enjoy the vacation. If you really want to get a head start, learning proofs will put you on par with top university courses. For example at mine, you were doing proofs from the very beginning, and pretty much all the core courses are proofs. I realized you can tell the quality of a a university by how much proofs are in their curriculum. Any that is about programming or just doing number crunching is literally missing the whole point of Computer Science.

Because of all the proofs I have done, eventually you learn forever how a data structure works and why, and can use it to solve other problems. This is something that my non-CS programmers do not understand and I will always absolutely crush them on (novel thinking) because its what a proper CS degree teaches you how to do.

There is a lot I could talk about here, but maybe such discussions are better left for PM.

u/OhTheHugeManatee · 2 pointsr/self

This is very important and serious stuff.

The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.

If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.

But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.

My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.

No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.

The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.

Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:

  • get to a couples therapist. I hear that she doesn't want to, but if she wants to work on the relationship, that's how you do it. Remember that this is a joint decision; just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean it's off the table if YOU want it. Saying she wants to fix the relationship but doesn't want to go to a therapist is like saying you want to fix the car but don't want to involve a repairman.
  • While you hunt for a therapist (and it takes some looking to find someone you both like/trust), look for books and resources that can give you ideas for where to direct your efforts. You should BOTH be doing this. Some good resources: marriagebuilders.com, the 5 love languages, marriedmansexlife.com, No More Mister Nice Guy. These resources helped me and my wife recover our relationship, and there are others. Read them together.
  • Set a weekly meeting time to talk about how you've been feeling about each other over the last week. put it on the calendar, and go out of the house for the meeting. This is when you can talk about what seemed to work, and what didn't. What moments where she felt good, and when she didn't.
  • recognize that this is your problem too: you guys have built a relationship where only one side is feeling the love, and TOGETHER you have to fix it so that both sides feel it. She is feeling the symptoms, she can help you figure out where some of the problems lie, but you both will have to work to fix it.
  • Work on yourself. Take up a hobby that you've always wanted to do, and return to an old hobby that you haven't gotten to do in a long time. Take the time to do things for you, because you deserve it. These activities seem trivial, but they go a long way towards anchoring you in this difficult time.
  • Last, but I have to say it: sometimes people say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" because they've found someone else who gives them a hormonal rush the way you don't anymore. If your gut is telling you to be jealous of a male friend of hers, trust it and do what it takes to satisfy YOURSELF that there's nothing going on there.

    Good luck, friend.
u/craigsproof · 8 pointsr/socialskills

I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.

Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.

Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.

One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.

Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.

The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.


I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...

  1. the Art of Charm (artofcharm.com) guys have a ton of free stuff available to get better with women that you can trust.
  2. this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358 comes from the right frame, and was of huge help to a friend in this and other areas.

    That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.

    It's 3 steps.
    Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
    Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
    Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.

    Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.

    "Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "

    It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.

    I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.

    *Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.

    ** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.
u/rogelius · 13 pointsr/cscareerquestions

I am going to give my perspective, but as always, your milage may vary.

&gt;When and how did you start?

I didn't start programming until I started in college. I knew I was good at Math, and good at Science, and that I was interested in Computers. I pursued a CE degree (I was 18 at the time), and am now pursuing a Ph.D. in CS. My wife started her CS degree 1 year ago (she's now 25), after being dissatisfied with (and subsequently abandoning) a degree in Marketing. For the sake of mentioning it, we both started with Java.

My real point is: I don't think it's ever too late to start. If you're sincerely interested, your passion will take you far.

&gt; What are some daily things you do that drove/drive you to your goals?

I consider programming a type of carpentry, and so, I strive (and don't always succeed) to program as much as I can, in as many languages as I find interesting. So far, I've programmed in Java, Python, Javascript, C#, C, Objective-C, and Lisp. It can be daunting to learn new programming languages, but I wouldn't worry. I got around to playing with each one because I found they were good tools for things I wanted to do. In academic circles, I believe that's called "project-based learning," where you learn as much as you need in order to complete some project or task.

&gt; What books do you recommend, ones that have had a huge positive impact in your professional career?

I absolutely love the Head First series, and it made me value my own unique learning style (which in turn led me to discover that I learn better through projects). I own 6 Head First books, and I absolutely love each and every one of them.

My wife recently discovered (and I also really enjoyed) the book Cracking the Coding Interview, which is a concise review of the fundamentals of programming, as well as very good guidelines for doing well in your coding interview.

&gt; What advice do you give to junior programmers that want to plunge into open-source community but are just overwhelmed by the amount of complexity in most of this projects?

If you're just starting out, I would start your own project to do something you want to do. The chances are that, in doing so, you will leverage someone else's tools, and in turn, you may discover that a tool you're using...
...has an obscure bug, or
...would be really great if it had this one other feature

You then contact the project lead (or project board of directors), and state your case, and then...BAM. You're an Open Source contributor.

&gt; Which work-related fields are you most interested in?

I am a fan of artificial intelligence, and I think it's the bees knees. I also do game development, which I enjoy very much.

&gt; What was your first big investment after your degree?

I bought a car, mostly because I needed it. Bear in mind, I am on a graduate student salary, which isn't necessarily the most financially rewarding position out there.

If you have any other questions, or if you would like me to go more in-depth into some of the previous questions, do let me know. :)

u/TheAmazingSausage · 128 pointsr/androiddev

Android team lead here, I've been working with Android commercially since 2009 (before Android 2.0 was released) and have worked at, or done work for, some big companies (Mozilla, Intel, Google, HTC...). I was in a very similar situation to you in that I was a web development and was bored, I'd been playing with Android in my spare time; I got my first break by volunteering to do an android app at the company I worked for, and went from permanent employee to contractor fairly quickly after that and have been doing it ever since.

First thing to say is that if you can get your currently company to pay you to learn android and stay with them, that's a win win for both parties (you get to learn something new without a drop in salary and don't have to interview and they don't lose a good member of staff).

In terms of moving company, I don't know where you are based, but here in the UK I often see junior Android contract roles coming up for £200-300 a day. Failing that it's just a case of applying for lots of poisitions and really knowing your stuff.

What I would look for in a junior is to have read, understood and put in to practice Clean Code (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clean-Code-Handbook-Software-Craftsmanship/dp/0132350882) and Design Patterns (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Head-First-Design-Patterns-Freeman/dp/0596007124). I would expect you to have a good understanding of basic Java and OOP; a working understanding of MVP or MVVM (https://news.realm.io/news/eric-maxwell-mvc-mvp-and-mvvm-on-android/, https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/understanding-difference-between-mvc-mvp-mvvm-design-rishabh-software); understand threading; know about all the major parts of Android (Services, Broadcast receviers, Activities, Fragments etc); know how to write a custom view; be able to efficiently design a layout in XML and correctly apply styles and themes; understand the support libraries - what they contain, why they exist and what they are used for (and also when you don't need them); understand the difference between unit testing and integration testing and know what makes for a good test; the Gradle build system is a really nice way of defining your project build - knowing the fundamentals is essential.

A few of the main libraries I'd expect you to know and have used would be OkHttp (https://github.com/square/okhttp), Retrofit (https://github.com/square/retrofit), Butterknife (https://jakewharton.github.io/butterknife/), Picasso (https://square.github.io/picasso/) or some other image loading library, GSON (https://github.com/google/gson) or Moshi (https://github.com/square/moshi) or some other json parsing library

If you want to level up then there are loads of advanced topics surrounding Android. Any of these following topics will take a while to learn, but will be worth it and will look good in interviews and on you CV:

u/EagerSleeper · 164 pointsr/socialskills

Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.

It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:

  • Meet a single person through any means (pool of friends, stranger at bar, etc.)
  • Get to know them through casual conversation, keeping eye contact longer than you would normally.
  • If they appear to pay attention to you (they don't leave the area, they ask questions about you in return, they maintain a decent amount of eye contact with you), then they might be interested.
  • In this case, it would be wise to mention an activity you going to be doing soon or at a later date, and that they should join. Preferably this will be somewhere where exploration and/or drinking can occur.
    If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
  • Be the person to politely end the conversation, preferably on a good note (like a callback to an earlier in-joke, a playful reference to the future event, or a cheerful goodbye stating you need to return to your friends)

  • Arrange transportation and greet them at the venue with a friendly physical contact (fist bump, funny handshake, hug, high-five) to get the friendly vibes going. Keep a positive energy throughout the "date" and err on the side of punctuating certain moments with physical contact ("Oh my god, I can't believe you said that!" slaps arm, "Hey, look over there." lightly elbows side, Put arm around them and poke their other shoulder to distract them "Did you know that guy or something?" grin)
  • The focus of the "date" is to get them comfortable with you, get comfortable with them, and learn about them while relating your own experiences. Its almost like hanging out with a good friend, but with more physical contact and teasing. Also, if you're a guy, assume you will be paying the tabs unless she physically stops you/puts her money down. I'm all for equality, but this is something that can only help you in an early dating situation. You can split bills later in the relationship.

    PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).

  • If the date is going very well and the physical contact is being reciprocated or even escalated, mention something unique about your home (A VR game system, a French Press for coffee, a song you're producing, a freaking cat, whatever). Usually its best to drop this in earlier on in conversation. When the date is starting to get stale/it is getting late, suggest you go back to your home to check out that thing (You won't actually be checking out that thing).

  1. If they say no and have a plausible excuse (I have work early, I have to take my mom to the airport at x:xx, etc.), they will often follow up with "...but I would like to hang out again!" or "...but I'm doing x on saturday/whatever". If not, just hit them up for another date later, they might still be interested.
  2. If they say no and don't have a plausible excuse (I have to feed my fish, I have to wash clothes, I'm tired) and don't offer a follow up hang out, then they are probably not interested. If they wanted to continue hanging with you, they would invite you over or come to your place after doing their task. They certainly wouldn't be tired unless its way into the AM, and even still...
    its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
  3. If they say yes, see below

  • As you walk into your (hopefully clean) apartment, immediately commence intimate physical contact. Preferably making out. Lead into bedroom. Boom boom boom.
    At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.

  • From here, if you want a girlfriend/boyfriend, you just need to meet up more and more until you've both decided to become exclusive. Include them in more fun activities, slowly bring them around your friends, and reveal more personal details about yourself. Eventually either they will ask you to become exclusive, or it is so implied that you should ask them to be exclusive with you. Most people won't go on 5+ actual dates with somebody unless a relationship is a possibility.

  • A relationship is like a best friendship where you slowly reveal more and more about eachother, rely on eachother more and more, and begin including them in your personal life more and more. It is not an attached-at-the-hip situation, it is more of a separate but together situation. Separate as in you both have your own interests, friend groups, and time alone. Together as in big life decisions should be shared with them, you have an obligation to only sleep with them, and you will be in somewhat regular contact with them throughout the weeks. Often this will lead to them moving in with you, getting married to you, and/or reproducing with you. There's no rulebooks to relationships except having boundaries, not being clingy, and assuming trust in them unless otherwise convinced.

  • Relationships often end once one person's boundaries are crossed by their partner (cheating, moral conflicts, distance) in which case they have enough pride to end it.
    Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.

    Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models

    This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.
u/Imadeitforgood · -1 pointsr/NoFap

I personally think that you should appreciate women's beauty, however I feel that catcalling would be unnecessary i didn't see any approach done "right", i actually feel that people, specially men should learn some social dynamics specially towards talking to the opposite sex, and by this i don't mean learn pick up and fuck as many girls as possible and shit like that, but because I feel that its important to be able to connect with women in a way. I feel that a lot of rapes, and sexual frustration, and probably prostitution is because men want an easy way out, and don't want to put in the work to approach women, and now you could even go online dating if you don't like it but i think that men become more aware of how to deal with this certain situation, I am working on myself to be able to approach a girl and give her a genuine compliment and to mean it because I say it and say it because I mean it, not to get attention that just because by catcalling people I 'prove im manly' they come off as needy and shit.

Although I feel that people, specially women, if you learned some pick up or rather some more sociability they see that as ungenuine and even more chumpy, but the counter argument i would say is they are not being genuine either, they use make up and they are manipulating their appearance to look more attractive and in a way is manipulating me to think better of them, I am against some of the principles of pick up but the dating science isn't wrong, but its on the right path. I personally think that, like in my case, if you know you suck with women, and you don't want to be in a path of crappiness and neediness, via using prostitution to get laid or roofing people to get laid or rather rape girls, or vast usage of porn, I would say that its good.

I personally would recommend reading Models by Mark Manson because the book is really fucking awesome and it would make you a better man, and perhaps reading the 'further reading' books from that book help you understand the mating system of humans, and to become a better man. I think the book itself is actually really good because it states more than just to get laid is to find quality women to be fullfillled and be more happier with women, and in a way is actually attacking the dating science in a way by attacking The Mystery Method which all pick up could be summed up by that single book. In a way I would recommend both and take the best from both because neither of them is 'wrong' but niether one of them is 'right'. I do agree with Manson's idea of confidence and working in yourself more than in women and being sexualy fulllfilled doesn't require large amounts of women, while I also agree with Mystery's focus on competence vs. confidence because he says that you can't quantify confidence and rather focus on number of approaches and really statistics because that shows competence and successful competence breeds confidence eventually but in a way Manson's idea is better, because he is coming from a place of abundance of women and general happiness, is like saying being 'good' with women is something you are and not do and your looks, money demographics and ect does matter in the equation, over mystery's idea which is coming from neediness, because he refers as girls having 'high value' and by that you are infering that you aren't enough for her so you have to in a way manipulate yourself into making her thinking you are 'good enough' so that it doesn't matter if you look like a fucking troll no matter what if your 'game' is 'tight' it doesn't matter what even if the girl is married or anything really, she will sleep with you and that isn't the case, because mysetery uses a lot of indirect and 'fool proof' tactics that are more convoluted than just expressing your intent and if it doesn't work out move on asap, I'd say that take the best they both are right, and both concepts are correct but im leaning more the natural no scripts type of things and just being freeforming it.
I'd recommend both people getting those two books and they will change your life or at least make you think better and be more aware of how to flirt better. And perhaps reading Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, this one focuses more on dating girls and setting up and getting exposure to women over, is focused on both competence and confidence, and in a more natural way. I'd say get them, you can torrent them if you are so cheap, but defenitely read up on them and see what comes out of it.

So defenitely get Models by mark manson and Mystery Method because you can get a really clear picture on the subject of picking up women, and Double your Dating by David D just the simple ebook don't dig too much into it.

other books, I heard of them, and read some reviews on amazon and they seem to have really good reviews but I haven't gotten them or read them but they seem legit too.

Bang by roosh V

Day bang by roosh v

The manual by W. Anton

the Natural by richard la ruina

Get inside her by Marni Kinrys

they all seem like good resources to start and move on from there... and work on specific sticking point, but i'd say don't believe everything use them as guidelines and not as rules, and take them with a pinch of salt. the reason for this was because when I read the Mystery Method, it was well argued and every contingency is planned for, that I couldn't really find fault with the method, And so I believed all the "high value" bullshit that i fucking felt that i needed to one up everybody and that isn't the case, i was able to rescue myself from that mindset by Models, and I really thought it was genuine and it doesn't rely on too much bullshit and is more natural there is no one upping bullshit. I am not preching seduction community but i feel men should know what they are doing, specially if they suck like me, and be just more aware of things.

Perhaps i'd also reccomend
Gifts of Imperfection by Breene Brown since this book really digs somewhat on the self acceptance/self worth/self esteem part and what pick up artist would call 'inner game' ...
I'd say pick whatever books you want to BUT STOP reading too much into it, i became too paranoid and wanted to read every book on pick up out there and that is not the case guys, hope i helped.

TLDR--read books, become aware, know better, don't be a creep but don't be chump either, get informed guys know your shit,

u/alleria11 · 3 pointsr/depression

You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I understand this isn't the answer you want to hear but it's true. I used to be in your shoes. You have to understand that yes support is great, but ultimately you have to stand on your own feet to be firstly healthy (no one can fight your depression for you) and secondly to be attractive.

I'll leave you a few links that have helped me come out of my hell hole.

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-overcome-depression

  • This guy is a very talented writer. He not only has an excellent article on depression but all of his other articles are great ways to start boosting your confidence in life. Lots of decent dating articles.

    CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has worked wonders for me. I went on anti-depressants for 3 years which was needed at the time, but if I would have combined it with CBT I may have safed myself years of suffering. I'm 100% off them now and feeling better than ever. Try googleing this. This is a good place to start.

    http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/cognitive_distortions.html

    Get into a routine of going to bed and getting lots of rest. Change your diet to healthy foods. This will help keep junk out of your system that leads to high/crashes and keeps your serotonin pumping.

    Socialize, - www.meetup.com is a good place to start if you're not a very social person. They specifcally have "introvert" groups so people that arent used to socializing can get used to seeing other people with the same comfort level. There's groups for everything.

    Self-Esteem - Try and boost this as much as you can. I know when I was depressed I had a horrible self-esteem and it's taken years to boost it back up. Again, google has copious amounts of information on this but a book I bought and helped me was

    Working out - Not only does this make you more attractive, but way more importantly it boosts serotonin levels and will help you feel better. I can't stress how important this is. I was able to come off Effexor JUST because I began working out heavily. The nice body is a just a bonus, the way it's made me feel is incredible.

    www.bodybuilding.com - has a bunch of beginner exercises for you to start.

    Dating - Lastly, don't worry about this one too much. I know you're thinking "what the fuck? that was the whole point of my post". The world is hyped up with "quick fixes", you know 6 pack abs in 2 weeks etc. There is no EASY way out, no way to just magically press a button and become this macho attractive person. The most attractive trait a woman can see in you is confidence. You've already been through all this pain with your depression, you can do anything you want but the CATCH is that it takes time. You'll need to subject yourself to a bunch of situations that MAKE you feel uncomfortable, and by having small little victories in each situation you're able to build up confidence.

    I'll share a few articles from this guys website that not only helped me tremendously with dating and self-esteem, but with life in general.

    1 - http://markmanson.net/change-your-mind


    2 - http://markmanson.net/youre-okay


    Especially #2. Lastly, he wrote a book that I've re-read a bunch of times that is excellent and down to earth dating advice. He's honest and isn't going to sell you a bunch of this "I need to be super macho to get dates" crap. It's all a media hype. Women just want you to be confident, but in order to do that you have to treat your depression and just enjoy life which will take months, not going to lie.

    http://www.amazon.ca/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358

    Enjoy man, you have lots of work to do. consider this the first day of the rest of your life.

u/lukey · 4 pointsr/ranprieur

There are several things going on here!

One, I think "being high" from pot is actually a learned response, like any other skill, it takes time and practice. It takes several exposures to actually really understand the experience and get a full effect. No doubt, there's something biological to this. Over time, the effects get more noticeable. I've never really met anyone who had it completely work the first time. Everyone I know said the effect got initially bigger the more they did it (and then, past that point, you build up tolerance).

A second thing is that the effects are really profoundly different for each person. A friend of mine was heavily into chronic dope, and he would often smoke with (what he termed) people who were 'beginners'. Like, he'd share a joint, and the person he'd smoke with would be really knocked around, for example they would barf or become so intoxicated that they would be incoherent or non-functional. It didn't affect him nearly to the same extent. He could smoke 10X that amount and not get nearly as high. I've known at least three people who are really weird people unless they smoke dope, and with the dope they seem to become just like normal. Bottom line, some of this depends on how much you smoke, how often, how strongly it affects you and what your baseline state is like. The range of responses is huge.

Then, there's at least one other thing. I've met several people who have a specific drug that simply doesn't work at all on them. A friend of mine could take heroic, death-defying batches of psilocybin and they simply were inert. He would feel cheated or ripped off and it was very obvious he was 100% sober. He once accused me of faking the effects! If I took a tiny amount from that same batch, it was a mystical experience, so it wasn't that the drugs were counterfeit -- he just couldn't get high from mushrooms. That happens to me too, but only during the refractory period...mushrooms (taken all alone) don't work again for a few days duration right after you take them once (but you can ordinarily tweak that by adding some extra substances). I've known some people that get an effect from pot that outwardly seems like it's so incredibly mild it's almost non-existent. I actually think the pot that is available is getting a lot stronger, which makes me think that most people are less sensitive to it than I am, because it's almost unpleasantly strong to me now.

What's funny and interesting is that once you have experienced a drug, you can easily recall the experience/feeling of it, and what's more, you can be in a dream of being actually high while you sleep, which is basically the same as saying that you can repeat actually being high without the drug. In other words, your brain learns to get in the state once it discovers it.

My partner is a lot less experienced with drugs than I am, but I notice when she is high more than she notices. She's all forgetful and not making sense, while at the same time she feels she's not feeling it. I feel that there's a certain amount of inward observation about being high that's different from normal reality. Part of what you learn (with a first drug) is to have a kind of duality that you experience towards your introspection. Here's the sober part of my mind noticing the high part of my mind. This is different from actually just feeling or thinking one thing.

The absolute best drug experience from a first time use is from LSD. It actually works insanely well the first time you take it, it's an unavoidable and very potent experience. The problem with LSD is not the thing that everyone is scared of: bad trips. The problem is permanent insanity -- I really think it's a bit of a dangerous substance. Out of a small handful of people that I know who have done it, I personally know at least 4 or 5 people who became acid casualties and had actual damaging permanent brain changes, and none of those people were doing anything truly weird, just using it the way anyone else would. I don't really recommend it unless you are willing to take that risk. One or two normal trips don't guarantee that something won't eventually happen. To me I don't think the problems/risks are connected to what other people talk about...I don't think you have to be pre-disposed to anything to have a potential problem with it. Perfectly normal people still run risks.

It seems like the psychedelics (like Psilocybin, LSD, Ecstacy etc. and extremely strong pot) are substances that inhibit the thalamus in various ways. Basically, this is the part of your brain that is like a traffic light, which makes you only think one thought at a time versus multiple thoughts. If you soak your brain in enough of the right juices, you can definitely allow a lot more traffic. What actually ends up happening depends on the person. I knew one guy who became a really fluid skateboarder with the same drug that allowed someone else to talk about philosophy.

Drugs have been a really interesting thing for me. I've experienced synaesthesia, visual-, corporal- and auditory-hallucinations, many, many powerful insights into myself and the world. All the normal things like time-dilation, munchies, laughing, whatever. Also lots of mystical and religious experiences. I once made friends with a house cat and we went hiking together for about 3 hours in the forest. I even wrote an exam on LSD once and the professor turned my answer into a class lecture -- I guess I came up with a pithy way of integrating all the things that the course was about. I've entered states where it was like programming my own brain as if it was a computer. I've been an insect on an alien planet, and I've had a UFO encounter and found a successful way to talk a friend out of suicide. I've seen Jesus appear and saw him convince a friend of mine to become religious. I've run from the police while feeling like it was in slow-motion. I also invented a couple of legit mechanical devices. It also changes the way I see/hear and process music and art, where I can suddenly hear through distortion, understand mumbled words and see more symbolically, metaphorically etc. Pot also improved my sports performance, and I actually had some of my best ever competition results while being totally baked. A few pro athletes I know don't race unless they are quite high on pot -- it seems to improve reaction time and endurance.

I once tripped sitting beside a river, and I had every visual element (trees, ducks, kids, dogs et.) map into a very realistic miniature simulation of the overall human superstructure, where I could look down- or up- stream and get a coherent snapshot of the past, present and future. After the high went away, the mental model proved to be durable and rational and the insights probably still affect how I see things. The very first time I dosed on LSD, the drug kicked in while watching the normal TV news. I still cannot watch any TV without seeing the gears moving on the propaganda machine, it literally cured me of the hypnotic susceptibility you need to "get into" watching TV. However, I'm probably even more interested in movies now. The best book about exactly how I see movies is this one, the only difference is that movies are sequential in the same space where comics are spatially juxtaposed, but the book is highly recommended regarding how it works.

However, I basically don't do any drugs at all any more. I probably went through a period of beyond-average experimentation, but I found there are a lot of risks for me personally. I don't particularly enjoy being actually high, so for me, it's a tool only insofar as it helps me direct my life. One major thing is that using drugs turns me into a dreamer rather than someone really living my life -- this happens in a seductive way that's hard to notice. The way that my personality is, I need to actually focus on executing on real ideas rather than coming up with more and more possibilities or being in a state of creative flux all the time. As a professional creative, I have an endless stream of possible ideas all the time even when I'm totally sober, and drugs make that overwhelming to the extent I don't (and can't) get enough done. Drugs are super time-consuming.

u/IxCptMorganxI · 8 pointsr/AskMen

I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!

So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.

If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.

I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.

I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!

u/CSMastermind · 4 pointsr/learnprogramming

I've posted this before but I'll repost it here:

Now in terms of the question that you ask in the title - this is what I recommend:

Job Interview Prep


  1. Cracking the Coding Interview: 189 Programming Questions and Solutions
  2. Programming Interviews Exposed: Coding Your Way Through the Interview
  3. Introduction to Algorithms
  4. The Algorithm Design Manual
  5. Effective Java
  6. Concurrent Programming in Java™: Design Principles and Pattern
  7. Modern Operating Systems
  8. Programming Pearls
  9. Discrete Mathematics for Computer Scientists

    Junior Software Engineer Reading List


    Read This First


  10. Pragmatic Thinking and Learning: Refactor Your Wetware

    Fundementals


  11. Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction
  12. Software Estimation: Demystifying the Black Art
  13. Software Engineering: A Practitioner's Approach
  14. Refactoring: Improving the Design of Existing Code
  15. Coder to Developer: Tools and Strategies for Delivering Your Software
  16. Perfect Software: And Other Illusions about Testing
  17. Getting Real: The Smarter, Faster, Easier Way to Build a Successful Web Application

    Understanding Professional Software Environments


  18. Agile Software Development: The Cooperative Game
  19. Software Project Survival Guide
  20. The Best Software Writing I: Selected and Introduced by Joel Spolsky
  21. Debugging the Development Process: Practical Strategies for Staying Focused, Hitting Ship Dates, and Building Solid Teams
  22. Rapid Development: Taming Wild Software Schedules
  23. Peopleware: Productive Projects and Teams

    Mentality


  24. Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency
  25. Against Method
  26. The Passionate Programmer: Creating a Remarkable Career in Software Development

    History


  27. The Mythical Man-Month: Essays on Software Engineering
  28. Computing Calamities: Lessons Learned from Products, Projects, and Companies That Failed
  29. The Deadline: A Novel About Project Management

    Mid Level Software Engineer Reading List


    Read This First


  30. Personal Development for Smart People: The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth

    Fundementals


  31. The Clean Coder: A Code of Conduct for Professional Programmers
  32. Clean Code: A Handbook of Agile Software Craftsmanship
  33. Solid Code
  34. Code Craft: The Practice of Writing Excellent Code
  35. Software Craftsmanship: The New Imperative
  36. Writing Solid Code

    Software Design


  37. Head First Design Patterns: A Brain-Friendly Guide
  38. Design Patterns: Elements of Reusable Object-Oriented Software
  39. Domain-Driven Design: Tackling Complexity in the Heart of Software
  40. Domain-Driven Design Distilled
  41. Design Patterns Explained: A New Perspective on Object-Oriented Design
  42. Design Patterns in C# - Even though this is specific to C# the pattern can be used in any OO language.
  43. Refactoring to Patterns

    Software Engineering Skill Sets


  44. Building Microservices: Designing Fine-Grained Systems
  45. Software Factories: Assembling Applications with Patterns, Models, Frameworks, and Tools
  46. NoEstimates: How To Measure Project Progress Without Estimating
  47. Object-Oriented Software Construction
  48. The Art of Software Testing
  49. Release It!: Design and Deploy Production-Ready Software
  50. Working Effectively with Legacy Code
  51. Test Driven Development: By Example

    Databases


  52. Database System Concepts
  53. Database Management Systems
  54. Foundation for Object / Relational Databases: The Third Manifesto
  55. Refactoring Databases: Evolutionary Database Design
  56. Data Access Patterns: Database Interactions in Object-Oriented Applications

    User Experience


  57. Don't Make Me Think: A Common Sense Approach to Web Usability
  58. The Design of Everyday Things
  59. Programming Collective Intelligence: Building Smart Web 2.0 Applications
  60. User Interface Design for Programmers
  61. GUI Bloopers 2.0: Common User Interface Design Don'ts and Dos

    Mentality


  62. The Productive Programmer
  63. Extreme Programming Explained: Embrace Change
  64. Coders at Work: Reflections on the Craft of Programming
  65. Facts and Fallacies of Software Engineering

    History


  66. Dreaming in Code: Two Dozen Programmers, Three Years, 4,732 Bugs, and One Quest for Transcendent Software
  67. New Turning Omnibus: 66 Excursions in Computer Science
  68. Hacker's Delight
  69. The Alchemist
  70. Masterminds of Programming: Conversations with the Creators of Major Programming Languages
  71. The Information: A History, A Theory, A Flood

    Specialist Skills


    In spite of the fact that many of these won't apply to your specific job I still recommend reading them for the insight, they'll give you into programming language and technology design.

  72. Peter Norton's Assembly Language Book for the IBM PC
  73. Expert C Programming: Deep C Secrets
  74. Enough Rope to Shoot Yourself in the Foot: Rules for C and C++ Programming
  75. The C++ Programming Language
  76. Effective C++: 55 Specific Ways to Improve Your Programs and Designs
  77. More Effective C++: 35 New Ways to Improve Your Programs and Designs
  78. More Effective C#: 50 Specific Ways to Improve Your C#
  79. CLR via C#
  80. Mr. Bunny's Big Cup o' Java
  81. Thinking in Java
  82. JUnit in Action
  83. Functional Programming in Scala
  84. The Art of Prolog: Advanced Programming Techniques
  85. The Craft of Prolog
  86. Programming Perl: Unmatched Power for Text Processing and Scripting
  87. Dive into Python 3
  88. why's (poignant) guide to Ruby
u/WaxenDeMario · 6 pointsr/cscareerquestions

Yes! Also, quite honestly I don't know that many CS majors who took linear algebra at my school for whatever reason.

Where do you get started?

  • If you're the type of person who likes an organized class to learn concepts, consider checking out coursera or other similar websites which offer free online learning courses! Check out their CS offerings and start from the intro.

  • I must be known for spamming this SR with this, but check out CLRS, it pretty much contains most of the "CS math" you need to know for algorithms. As well as pretty much all you need to know about Algorithms and Data Structures for any basic job.

  • REALLY make sure you understand your Algorithms and Data Structures, nearly every interview for a basic position centers around these topics. As well as some others, depending on the company: Bit manipulation, multi-threading, TCP/IP, etc.

  • You want to learn some mainstream language as a lot of other people mentioned: C++, Java, C#, Python are a few that come to mind (though there are more like Ruby!). Side Note: Some people have differing opinions on whether C++ is good to learn as a first language. I don't know C# (but from its apparent similarity to Java) I would say C++ is probably the most difficult language to learn of the four I listed, but I feel that it also provides the most flexibility, because once you understand C++ it's easier to trainsition from C++ to Java, than say Java to C++ (similar for the other languages).

  • Practice! Start working on some Project Euler problems, or other practice problems. Bonus: Someone in another thread mentioned that they made a blog post for each problem they solved and explained every one of their design decisions. This seemed like a bit over the top, but it really is a good practice for an interview and a job! You can even put a link to this on your resume to share.

  • Find an Open Source to contribute to, come up with your own projects and post them on your github! This can show off your skills to a potential employer!

    Bonus for programming:

  • When coding alone it's easy to get lost and start "hashing" together code. When you get to big projects, you'll find that this causes a lot of problems (and when working with other people it can cause even more). Some things to keep in mind when coding:

  • Make sure your code is maintainable.

  • Make sure your code is scalable.

  • Test, test, test!

    Maintainable kinda means that your code is easy to test, easy to comprehend (by others) and easy to modify. Read up on different design patterns to learn more about this.

    Scalable is something you'll learn more about later, but basically it's kind of thinking about whether your code will be "good" enough to handle a lot of users (how fast is it how much memory will it take up)

    Testing is very important when coding. You want to try to write small pieces of code then test it (i.e.: make sure it works).

    All three of these things show up a lot in interviews, and if you can relate why you made your code the way you did to one of these three points (or something else) you should be pretty well off :D

    How do I land an interview?

  • In your resume make sure to list any CS projects you want to mention, a link to your website (if you have one) or to other work. As well as Operating Systems you're familiar with (Linux is a big plus, but not absolutely necessary), IDE's you're familiar with (things like Eclipse, Visual Studios), and Languages you know. If you can, make sure to relate those three bullets to your project and work somehow to reiterate your experience with each language.

  • A lot of recruiting is done on-campus, but there are other options, like applying online or even better...

  • Network your way in. This gets your resume through the massive HR screen

  • Edit, edit, edit (ask friends who are in the industry).

    How do I study for an Interview?

    Typcially, an interview will have you and the interviewer. The interviewer will first ask questions about you, what you're majoring in. And then maybe ask questions about your previous projects, and then he'll throw you a programming problem. Sometimes these can just be questions like "Which is faster: quicksort or mergsort?" or something like that, but other times they'll have you code something. If the interview is online, this will either mean you'll need to tell them the code you're writing or you'll code online on some collabarative envirionment (i.e.: you type the code online). If it's in-person they may have you write on a whiteboard. There are other formats of interviews as well, so make sure to research. Typically, for most larger companies, they won't care what language you code in (hopefully though it's mainstream!), but if you don't code in a language which they use, they may test you later for proficiency in one of their languages.

  • As I mentioned before, Algorithms and Data Structures are usually go-to's for interviews, but other topics may come up so check out the req's for each job specifically.

  • It may have been a while at this point since you studied your material, to brush up on interview questions, Cracking the Code Interview is a great book to brush up on your topics for an interview, it also has some resume advice, etc. if you choose to follow it.

  • Be sure to practice talking out loud while you're coding, as this can help you during interviews. If you're stuck but your thought process is good an interviewer can help push you in the right direction.

  • If you struggle with interviews, try having a friend who you know has experience and having him ask questions, better yet if you know a friend at the company, ask him to mock interview you.

  • If you have time ALWAYS make sure you run test cases through your code mentally, and mention the test you're running and what it's supposed to catch (expected behavior) to your interviewer! If you have time and choose to ignore these, it can give the interviewer a wrong impression :\ (it also makes you look really good if you come up with all the boundary cases)

    Sorry, not sure if this helps or not!
    Good luck!
u/TantraGirl · 9 pointsr/sex

About 70% of the women who can have orgasms on their own can't have them during regular sex unless they also get a lot of clitoral stimulation.

I punched my v-card at 15, and from then to 23 I had a lot of sex, but I never once had an orgasm with a man until after I met my husband. He and I are now really well-matched in the libido department, but one reason we stay that way is that we took the time together to figure out my body and how to make sex amazing for me.

Some of the things that really helped...

  • We did Sensate Focus Therapy every week for five months, and did a number of other things that are recommended for helping women become more orgasmic. (See below for details.)

  • We incorporated sensual massage into foreplay and fingers and vibrators into foreplay and normal sex.

  • We became a lot less PIV-centric and started spending much more time on massage, oral, and other kinds of foreplay and sex.

  • He learned to "edge" me, getting me near the brink and then delaying my orgasm as long as possible. This takes all the pressure off and completely changes the dynamic from "am I taking too long?" to "OMG, that feels incredible!" And the orgasms are much longer and more intense when you finally get there.

    Let me start you off with four books and two book-sized websites:

  • Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, &amp; Kolodny: SFT instructions on pages 24-40.

  • Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Heiman &amp; LoPiccolo: another version of SFT, this time geared to helping a woman become more responsive to arousal and making it easier for her to have an orgasm.

  • Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski: One of the best books on female arousal and sexuality.

  • She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner: The best guide for men to skillful foreplay and how our bodies respond.

  • A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex: A collection of links to some great articles.

  • Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex: This is a book in blog form, a complete step-by-step guide to extended sex without all the "spiritual" stuff you find in most tantra books and websites.

    Also, my answer to a post at the start of the year has links to other articles that are related to orgasm problems: How to let go and O already?.

    One last tip: if you've been slacking off on exercise, hit the gym! There's a clear correlation for women between exercise and the ability to orgasm. This seems to be especially true for strength training activities like Pilates and CrossFit.

    Best of luck!
u/RexTheOnion · 3 pointsr/short

I don't really know how I could change your mind honestly, because it's just my own personal experience, but I'll give it a go.

I am your height, I am slightly younger than you, 19. I grew up homeschooled, so I didn't have my first kiss till I was 18, I held my first hand at 18 too lmao, safe to say I just didn't interact with girls basically my whole adolescences. Lost my virginity at 19 to my current girlfriend.

So to summarize I am a short homeschooled kid, who has an average face and a skinny fat build, I have literally every excuse to be like you.

But I'm not, I've now had two girlfriends since I started actually trying to date in 2018, and my current girlfriend without a shadow of a doubt is extremely sexually attracted to me. Again, can't prove it to you, but you'll have to trust me.

Honestly I firmly believe most women don't care about height as much as people on the internet would have you believe.

If you're 5'11" and up, your height is an attractive feature, just like a nice face or big muscles. If you're 5'9"-5'7", your height might affect you in your dealings with other men, but I don't give a fuck about other men, to women, your height won't really play a role, except you will be taller than most women, which is attractive. and finally, our height, 5'6"-5'5", our height is for some people, an unattractive feature, but not everyone, and, the best part, we're still taller than most women, at least in america where average female height is 5'4", which again, is what most women care about, their partner being taller or as tall as them. Not to say it's impossible or even hard to date a women who is taller than you, just that many women do find it attractive if their partner is taller than them.

But again, I suppose this is all just based off my own experiences, I've never been turned down for my height, but, to be fair, I am a naturally social and charismatic person, this is an advantage that I was given, as a short guy you do in some ways have to make up for it, and work a bit harder, that's just how it is, fair? no, reality? yes.

And to my final point, I don't know shit, I'm 19, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but oh yeah, you don't know shit either you're TWENTY TWO, do you know how young that is? We're basically still kids man, in the grand scheme of things either of us trying to say anything about life with any extreme degree of certainty like "I've tried everything I could to get a girlfriend, from grooming to lifting weights to getting hobbies" is folly.

Live life and all that shit, we only get one, legit everyone in your ancestral line somehow fucked a girl, I highly doubt you'll be the end of it.

I highly recommend Models, and The subtitle art of not giving a fuck, both are fantastic and great books to read when you don't know what to do with yourself.

Good luck buddy, hope this was at least somewhat helpful.

u/outalterego · 1 pointr/gentlefemdom

First, know that you are normal. As I discussed in this post today, one study in Canada suggests that almost half of all women may fantasize about dominating other people sexually.

&gt;I want to consume as much as possible before I jump into anything.

Well, since you asked, my specialty just so happens to be in giving people way more reading material than they actually wanted...

  • Start with Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are. It's written by a female sex researcher for women, though as a man, I still found it immensely helpful for understanding both my own and my wife's sexuality. Not about kink specifically, but all about self-discovery and self-acceptance, which sounds like what you're looking for right now.
  • Next, Nancy Friday's Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age. I haven't actually read this one, but I have read her more well-known work, My Secret Garden. That was her original, ground-breaking study of women's sexual fantasies. However, I'm recommending Beyond My Control for you because it is more recent (2009) and deals extensively with female fantasies of domination, whereas most of the fantasies in Secret Garden revolve around female submission (a scandalous idea back when it was first published in 1973).
  • Optional: Julia Heiman's Becoming Orgasmic. A fascinating read even if you already know how to orgasm. An excellent guide to self-exploration and a wonderful primer on female sexuality. The intended audience is women who have never achieved orgasm through masturbation or are trying to learn how to orgasm with their partner. I read it because I thought it would help me better understand my wife's sexuality and help me help her orgasm in my presence, but what I ended up learning from reading the book and talking to my wife is that she's currently not all that interested in orgasming in my presence...and that's OK. What I'm trying to say is I am not the intended audience but still found it immensely helpful. Nevertheless, it's an unconventional recommendation, so that's why I mark it as optional. But if you do decide to read it and think about gentle femdom while doing the suggested exercises, I think you will learn a lot about yourself.
  • Optional: Easton &amp; Hardy's The New Topping Book. I haven't read this one either, but I have read the submissive counterpart, The New Bottoming Book. It was a bit "old guard BDSM" for my tastes, if you know what I mean, but I list it here anyway because I see it recommended so often, which suggests it must be helpful to other people. The one thing the Bottoming Book did teach me is that one of the things I bring to the table as a submissive is responsiveness, so now I make it a point to moan like a whore whenever my wife is doing things to me. I can't speak to what the Topping Book may or may not teach you as a dom.

    Your post seems to imply that you are not currently in a relationship and want to focus on self-discovery before pursing one. Once you have come to a better understanding of what you want and are ready to pursue a relationship, I recommend the following two books:

  • First, Emily Nagoski's A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships. Read the whole thing, but know that Part 3 is the most helpful for learning how to communicate what you want with your future partner. The principles of staying over your own emotional center of gravity, self-assertion, and self-protection are worth their weight in gold.
  • Next, Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. It's not all about sex. This really surprised me, but Chapman's book improved my relationship with my wife and my sex life more than any of the other ones on this list. Some people are turned off by the author's Christian perspective, but his faith is not even made explicit until about halfway through the book, and there's a reason it has 12,674 reviews on Amazon (96% of them 4- or 5-star) and is still the #1 bestselling book on marriage on Amazon even though it was first published way back in 1992. Once you know what you want and how to communicate that to your future partner, you still need to know how to best communicate your love to that boy. It could be touch, it could be words of affirmation, it could be gifts, it could be quality time, and it could be acts of service or any mix of the above.
u/ShaktiAmarantha · 34 pointsr/sexover30

My SO and I have been together for nearly 28 years and the sex has been terrific for almost all of that time.

However, we actually HAD a DB, during the third year we were together. We discovered that the kind of sex that worked for us at the beginning was not sustainable. During those first two years, we had pretty normal high-intensity sex almost every night. At first, the NRE and the thrill of having passionate sex with a wonderful man was enough to carry me along.

But as the NRE wore off, as I came under more stress from other things, as we both came under a lot more time pressure, and as sex became more of a routine, I stopped getting much pleasure from it. I would get barely aroused and then be left hanging, and eventually even the arousal part dwindled to nothing. It started to feel actively unpleasant and I started looking for excuses to avoid it, even though I loved him with all my heart and really, really didn't want to lose him.

We did a lot of research and experimentation, and solved what turned out to be a multi-sided problem, including communication and stress management. But the most important change was adopting a completely different approach to sex itself. We did sensate focus therapy/sensual massage therapy for months. We also learned to meditate, and then started doing tantric sex on a regular basis.

This has become the anchor of our week. We try hard to block out time every Sunday morning that is just for each other. Within that, each tantra session we do is about 3 to 3.5 hours. It's terrific sex: intense, passionate, orgasmic, loving, joyful, and fun. It's a way of telling each other at an almost cellular level how much we love each other and love giving each other pleasure.

I've written a lot about ways to sustain the passion in a long-term relationship, with an emphasis on edging, sensual massage, and tantric sex. Here are some links that others have found helpful:

u/Ektastrophe · 9 pointsr/cscareerquestions

Disclaimer: I teach at a bootcamp in the midwest.

Here are some things I'm noticing:

  1. Your job sounds like it sucks quite a bit.
  2. You're feeling a lot of pressure to make a big move right now.
  3. You're feeling afraid that you don't currently have what it takes to make a big move.
  4. You've got some funds saved up.

    I'm going to suggest a couple of things to try before you enroll in a boot camp.

  5. Spend a few hours researching job boards in your area. Make a list of jobs where you've got 50% or more of the qualifications listed, or where the thing listed is close enough to what you already know that you could learn it sufficiently quickly. Make another list of things that appear pretty frequently, and see if you can categorize them. What's in your area? In my city, we've got lots of graphic designers who mostly build out Wordpress sites, a small but growing number of startups who mostly use Rails or an MVC Javascript framework, and a whole bunch of big finance corporations who mostly use Java. Your city is probably different, but it's also got some trends.
  6. Reach out to your network. You surely know some folks from college, from meetups, etc. Don't tell them that you need to escape your current terrible gig, but do tell them that you're looking for a change and see if they know anyone who's looking for a junior dev, especially one with a CS degree. Be frank -- you've been working mostly QA and support for the last year and a half, and you'd like to move to development instead.
  7. Take a few days off. They can even be unpaid days (if you can swing boot camp tuition, you can swing not getting paid for a few days). Doesn't even matter if you code on those days off. Just give yourself a chance to be a person.
  8. Pick up a copy of Cracking the Coding Interview and practice. Don't know Java? No problem. Do the exercises in a different language. Do one-sided mock interviews and record your answer with your webcam, then watch it. Don't worry about 'ums' and 'uhs' -- instead worry about clear, concise, and precise responses. (NB: almost everyone hates watching themselves talk, and almost everyone finds it excruciating. Don't worry about that part. You don't suck anywhere near as much as you think you do).
  9. Once your finances are set (i.e. at least 6 months worth of living expenses in the bank. Even better if you've got a year of living expenses, as that'll help if you've got an emergency), quit your job.

    From here, it's a matter of learning. You're never going to learn everything (there's too much out there), but you can definitely learn quite a bit.

    If you've got a CS background, you should be able to pick up the basics of Ruby on Rails. Michael Hartl's Rails Tutorial is pretty commonly cited; if you want to do web development, go through this tutorial twice. Maybe three times. Then start building projects on your own. Alternatively, Daniel Kehoe's Learn Ruby on Rails is also pretty commonly cited.

    A good understanding of Rails, plus a solid foundation in HTML, CSS, and Javascript/jQuery will make you a reasonably compelling junior developer for a company that builds web applications. Doubly so if you can show off a few good personal projects. A good bootcamp (like the one where I teach) will give you a structured and guided opportunity to learn these skills. A terrible boot camp will also give you this opportunity, but you'll have to work a lot harder on figuring out how to make it all happen.

    In addition to self-study and building projects, start attending meetups and actually talk to people.

    If you do decide to start looking at different boot camps, here are some questions to ask:

  10. What will we be learning?
  11. What sorts of jobs do graduates have?
  12. What are your placement rates? How many graduates have internships after graduating, and how many go into full-time jobs? What sorts of support do you provide graduates who are searching for jobs? How long does it usually take for all the graduates from a given class to find jobs?
  13. What is the typical experience for new graduates in their first 6 months as an employee?
  14. What are some examples of student projects? What are some examples of average work? Some examples of really stellar work?
  15. What opportunities will I have to design and build a project of my own determining? How many portfolio pieces can I expect to have by the time I graduate?
  16. What are some examples of typical days?
  17. Who's the instructor? How long have they been teaching? What are their qualifications?

    Of course they can lie to you, or use weasel-words to obfuscate, or make stuff up, or.... Of course that's the case.

    A good boot camp will give you lots of opportunities to practice AND will help you find your first job. We (where I work) do a lot of talking with recruiters and companies in our network, and we work really hard to make sure that our students get jobs that offer lots of opportunities for growth and development, and, when possible, that align with strengths and interests (there's not usually too big of a disjunct there). So far, we've had quite a bit of success in terms of our students finding employment, and even the companies that have been resistant to hiring students like our grads have started coming around (albeit slowly) as more and more companies hire our grads and have good experiences with them. But it'll be at least another year or two before our grads reliably get hired as junior devs in the bigger corporations (as their first or even second job) without first having a CS degree.

    There are lots of different ways you can find success, and almost anything you do (quit your job and self-study, stay at your job and self-study, go to a boot camp, backpack around Europe, and so on) can be reasonably explained in an interview, especially if you can demonstrate that you are someone who is smart and gets things done.

    Even your current job can be explained. Sure, your dev skills aren't what you want them to be, but you've got a ton of practice fixing code, which means you've got a huge list in your head of all the different mistakes you might make while writing code (which then means that you can, given adequate leeway, build systems that help you avoid or at least catch those mistakes). Don't discount that. It's important stuff that you learned, even if the way you learned it makes you feel really terrible.

    Hope this helps.
u/ems88 · 7 pointsr/cocktails

Okay, you've caught me; there's beer and wine books, too. Here's what you're looking at:

I run a cocktail bar, and I've been meaning to share my library for some time, but I have a knack for lending my books out to friends and colleagues so I keep waiting for it to be complete. Then I realized my collection keeps growing and will never be complete, so I may as well just share a snapshot of it.

Top row:

Sippin' Safari: In Search of the Great "Lost" Tropical Drink Recipes... and the People Behind Them by Jeff "Beachbum" Berry

Vintage Spirits and Forgotten Cocktails: From the Alamagoozlum to the Zombie 100 Rediscovered Recipes and the Stories Behind Them by Ted "Dr. Cocktail" Haigh

The Joy of Mixology: The Consummate Guide to the Bartender's Craft by Gary "Gaz" Regan

The Flavor Bible: The Essential Guide to Culinary Creativity, Based on the Wisdom of America's Most Imaginative Chefs by Karen Page and Andrew Dornenburg

The World Encyclopedia of Beer by Brian Glover

How to Brew: Everything You Need to Know to Brew Beer Right the First Time by John J. Palmer

Jigger, Beaker and Glass: Drinking Around the World by Charles H. Baker, Jr. (aka The Gentleman's Companion Volume II)

Tasting Beer: An Insider's Guide to the World's Greatest Drink by Randy Mosher

Michael Jackson's Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch by Michael Jackson

The Ultimate Guide to Spirits &amp; Cocktails by Andre Domine

New Classic Cocktails by Mardee Haidin Regan and Gary "Gaz" Regan

The Book of Garnishes by June Budgen

World's Best Cocktails: 500 Signature Drinks from the World's Best Bars and Bartenders by Tom Sandham

The Complete Book of Spirits: A Guide to Their History, Production, and Enjoyment by Anthony Dias Blue

Cocktails &amp; Amuse-Bouches for Her &amp; For Him by Daniel Boulud and Xavier Herit

Imbibe!: From Absinthe Cocktail to Whiskey Smash, a Salute in Stories and Drinks to "Professor" Jerry Thomas, Pioneer of the American Bar by David Wondrich

Middle Row:

Hemingway &amp; Bailey's Bartending Guide to Great American Writers

The New and Improved Illustrated Bartenders' Manual; or: How to Mix Drinks of the Present Style by Harry Johnson (Espresso Book Machine Reprint)

Michael Jackson's Bar &amp; Cocktail Companion: The Connoisseur's Handbook by Michael Jackson

The Craft of Stone Brewing Co.: Liquid Lore, Epic Recipes, and Unabashed Arrogance by Greg Koch, Steve Wagner &amp; Randy Clemens

The PDT Cocktail Book: The Complete Bartender's Guide from the Celebrated Speakeasy by Jim Meehan

Bitters: A Spirited History of a Classic Cure-All, with Cocktails, Recipes, and Formulas by Brad Thomas Parsons

A Taste for Absinthe: 65 Recipes for Classic and Contemporary Cocktails by R. Winston Guthrie &amp; James F. Thompson

The Bartender's Guide to IBA Official Cocktails by Jenny Reese (Espresso Book Machine Printing)

Punch: The Delights (and Dangers) of the Flowing Bowl by David Wondrich

The Home Distiller's Handbook: Make Your Own Whiskey &amp; Bourbon Blends, Infused Spirits and Cordials by Matt Teacher

A History of the World in 6 Glasses by Tom Standage

The Decorative Art of Japanese Food Carving: Elegant Garnishes for All Occasions by Hiroshi Nagashima

What to Drink with What You Eat: The Difinitive Guide to Pairing Food with Wine, Beer, Spirits, Coffee, Tea - Even Water - Based on Expert Advice from America's Best Sommeliers by Andrew Dornenburg &amp; Karen Page

The American Cocktail: 50 Recipes that Celebrate the Craft of Mixing Drinks from Coast to Coast by The Editors of Imbibe Magazine

The ABC of Cocktails by Peter Pauper Press

How to Make Your Own Drinks: Create Your Own Alcoholic and Non-Alcoholic Drinks from Fruit Cordials to After-Dinner Liqueurs by Susy Atkins

How to Make a World of Liqueurs by Heather Kibbey &amp; Cheryl Long

u/ComicBookNerd · 2 pointsr/ComicWriting

There's a ton of advice I could give you - and I'll try to throw a bunch of it at you - but keep in mind I've barely begun this process myself. This is what I can tell you based on what I've observed, take it as you will.

My first piece of advice is to do the thing you said you never do. Put them down to paper. These little scenes and random thoughts you have swimming through your head are exactly where "we all find ideas to start from." It could be a simple scene in the middle of a larger story, it could be the very last words you want to someone to hear. Regardless of what it is, put it down on paper. I always carry a small moleskin notebook with me and have gotten into the habit of just jotting down something whenever it goes through my head. When you're used to just thinking of things, it's a little jarring at first to stop and write it down, but believe me - it will be worth it. This is the fountain of ideas you're looking for.

Arguably the most important thing I can tell you, is to write. Don't worry about whether it's formatted right, if you've structured your characters enough, or if you've done a good outline. Write. Whenever, wherever, as much as you can. You're only going to get better at writing by writing.

That being said, worry about format, structure, and outlines. And what I mean by that, is look back on the work you did, figure out where you could have done better and the next time try to do that. The first thing I ever wrote, I did without thinking about my characters, what they really meant, their back story, the environment they lived in, and said to hell with an outline. After it was finished, I knew for my next project that this had to change.

Consume the media you want to create. Not only should you actively read comics, you should try to consume anything that gives you insight to the business and how other people work. This is a list of books I bought and think have been extremely helpful. They give insight into the importance of creating characters, environments, etc before you even begin a script. I've listed them in the order I personally liked from best to still pretty damn good

  • Writing Comics &amp; Graphic Novels by Peter David
  • Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative by Will Eisner
  • Writing for Comics by Alan Moore
  • Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud
  • Making Comics by Scott McCloud
  • Panel One: Comic Book Scripts by Top Writers by various

    The last one is great because you get to see the various script styles of in-the-business writers. For comics, I also actively listen to these podcasts:

  • The Process - great podcast centered directly on writing for comics. I honestly cannot recommend this enough, and have yet to find one I like better than this.
  • Nerdist Writers Panel - while this isn't for comics, it gives you great insight on writing in general. It's geared for TV, which I think translates to comics relatively well (in some respects).

    In addition to all that, I follow /r/writing and try to stay active on this subreddit. We've done a few writing prompts, which I think are great ways to get you writing - though I wish more people would take part.

    JoshLees has compiled a larger list of resources, definitely take a look at that. The above listed things are what I consume personally.

    That's all I have for now, and the community can feel free to correct me or add to it, but other than that good luck!
u/SpaceIguana · 2 pointsr/dating_advice

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

&gt; It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

&gt; I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - &amp; I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

&gt; For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them &amp; 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches &amp; went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue &amp; yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

&gt; Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

&gt; I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

&gt; The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

&gt; This really is my current &amp; largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends &amp; Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

&gt; “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

u/RainbowUnicornFemme · 9 pointsr/sex

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

  • Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&amp;J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??

    I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)

  • Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  • Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.

    Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
u/DoUHearThePeopleSing · 2 pointsr/ADHD

First of all - he should be figuring out these things by himself. You're not his therapist.

But it won't hurt if you understand how it all works, and have some tricks in your sleeve.

As for using the phone when takking to you - are you sure he's not listening? I used to date a girl with adhd, she was on the phone all the time, but we managed to have meaningful ocnversations in the meantime. But perhaps it was because of my adhd - the same style of chaotic conversations...

With my past non adhd gf - on some subjects - like her work - I just simply couldn't focus however much I tried. I was gone in 30s top. We acknowledged that, made fun out of it, and discussed other things :)
On the other way, if we sound a subject that was interesting for me, I was praised for being super insightful - by most of my partners.

If you need/want his attention on something less than exciting, I think you need to raise his dopamine levels

  • I recently fed my mom coffee when I wanted her to focus :)
  • Big meals - full stomach ='insuline =&gt; dopamine :) talk to him after a bigger meal
  • I began using nicotine gums which have an effect similar tommeds, but lasting shorter
  • Rhytmic music / drums, techno in the background helps some people, I don't know why. There is evem some research on this afaik
  • Any sort of movement - a talk during walking will be easier
  • Trying to keep with his pace - the faster you speak, the more gesturea you make, the easier it is to grab his attention.
  • Aderral also, perhaps he can take a small booster in the afternoon when a situation requires it.

    As for the housework... uh, that's difficult. We're not good with details. I spent a lot of time practicing the house duties, but however much I try I just cannot keep certain standards. There are some good books on learning housework though - this one was an amazing read: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308 . Helped me a lot.
    Also, optimizing some things in the cleaning process. I absolutely despised vacuuming until I bought a wireless dyson. No messing with cables, I just grab it and clean the house.

    Perhaps there are other things he can do that could make up for the lack of attention into the housework? E.g. my gf did a bit more of housework, but I prepared saturday morning breakfasts for her, and did other things.
    Or there are some kinds of housework that he's better than the others? I'm absolutely shitty when it comes to keeping stuff organised and in its place, but taking out trash, washing dishes etc - no problem with that!

    As for the spontanaiety - we split up after 8 years. We worked out everything else, but me not being to invite friends ad hoc was something I couldn't live without.

    Having said that.. many adhdrs have problems falling asleep. Perhaps he's inviting friends over when he feels his mind is still racing and he cannot unwind? (He may not even realize it's that)
    Adhdrs sleeping problems are due to low dopamine, so regular remedies like camomile or simply turning off the distractors doesn't help that much. When I'm low on dopamine, I will just lie in bed and my thoughts will be racing literally for hours.

    Solutions to this, aside from the ones mentioned before... Meditaion, relaxation, sport in the evening. Also, if you guys are into massages, that works brilliantly. You could tell him he can invite friends but first you'll give him a massage (and he'll massage you in return). A high chance he'll unwind enough and tell you he's fine. No promises though :)


    Of course I'm not saying that you should tolerate all his quirks, and absolve him of the housework. It's more about figuring out which part is easier for whom. And keeping in mind that some of his faults come with some of his awesome parts - he could be on meds 24/7 - you wouldn't have the problems you mentioned at all, but then many things you love about him would disappear as well...

    Also, like the others said - meds are just a part of solution, and a good therapy/counselling will help him figure it out all. Some people use adhd as an excuse to avoid difficult things altogether :( It's him who should be on this sub now, hyperfocusing on how to make it all work!

u/honestly_Im_lying · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &amp;%#%#&amp;*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ)╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____
when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

u/Magorkus · 1 pointr/AskMen

I'm sure that a lot of your complaints here are justified but one stood out to me and needs to be addressed. Obviously what I'm writing is only relevant if you really want to work to salvage things. If not, you've gotten some good advice elsewhere in this thread.

&gt; "I don't feel loved." But I just brought you flowers and surprised you with a nice dinner.

As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, this is a legitimate concern and you are just dismissing it. Feeling loved is a complicated issue if you let it be. Or it can become really simple. Different people feel and express love differently. What might be meaningful to you and would make you feel loved might be meaningless to her. And that's ok. Everyone's different. But it is your job to figure out what "being loved" means to her and then it's your job to do whatever that is. The book The 5 Love languages makes this really easy. Figure out what her primary love languages is and then "speak" that language. It makes a huge difference.

I'm not trying to pick on you or make it out to be all your fault. I'm sure it's not. But this is one thing that you've mentioned that you do have influence over. When both parties in a relationship really feel loved it's crazy how many of those other problems can be resolved quickly and easily. And both parties feeling loved often starts with one person making the effort to make the other feel loved. I wish you the best of luck.

u/shhh-quiet · 2 pointsr/learnprogramming

Your mileage with certifications may vary depending on your geographical area and type of IT work you want to get into. No idea about Phoenix specifically.

For programming work, generally certifications aren't looked at highly, and so you should think about how much actual programming you want to do vs. something else, before investing in training that employers may not give a shit about at all.

The more your goals align with programming, the more you'll want to acquire practical skills and be able to demonstrate them.

I'd suggest reading the FAQ first, and then doing some digging to figure out what's out there that interests you. Then, consider trying to get in touch with professionals in the specific domain you're interested in, and/or ask more specific questions on here or elsewhere that pertain to what you're interested in. Then figure out a plan of attack and get to it.

A lot of programming work boils down to:

  • Using appropriate data structures, and algorithms (often hidden behind standard libraries/frameworks as black boxes), that help you solve whatever problems you run into, or tasks you need to complete. Knowing when to use a Map vs. a List/Array, for example, is fundamental.
  • Integrating 3rd party APIs. (e.g. a company might Stripe APIs for abstracting away payment processing... or Salesforce for interacting with business CRM... countless 3rd party APIs out there).
  • Working with some development framework. (e.g. a web app might use React for an easier time producing rich HTML/JS-driven sites... or a cross-platform mobile app developer might use React-Native, or Xamarin to leverage C# skills, etc.).
  • Working with some sort of platform SDKs/APIs. (e.g. native iOS apps must use 1st party frameworks like UIKit, and Foundation, etc.)
  • Turning high-level descriptions of business goals ("requirements") into code. Basic logic, as well as systems design and OOD (and a sprinkle of FP for perspective on how to write code with reliable data flows and cohesion), is essential.
  • Testing and debugging. It's a good idea to write code with testing in mind, even if you don't go whole hog on something like TDD - the idea being that you want it to be easy to ask your code questions in a nimble, precise way. Professional devs often set up test suites that examine inputs and expected outputs for particular pieces of code. As you gain confidence learning a language, take a look at simple assertion statements, and eventually try dabbling with a tdd/bdd testing library (e.g. Jest for JS, or JUnit for Java, ...). With debugging, you want to know how to do it, but you also want to minimize having to do it whenever possible. As you get further into projects and get into situations where you have acquired "technical debt" and have had to sacrifice clarity and simplicity for complexity and possibly bugs, then debugging skills can be useful.

    As a basic primer, you might want to look at Code for a big picture view of what's going with computers.

    For basic logic skills, the first two chapters of How to Prove It are great. Being able to think about conditional expressions symbolically (and not get confused by your own code) is a useful skill. Sometimes business requirements change and require you to modify conditional statements. With an understanding of Boolean Algebra, you will make fewer mistakes and get past this common hurdle sooner. Lots of beginners struggle with logic early on while also learning a language, framework, and whatever else. Luckily, Boolean Algebra is a tiny topic. Those first two chapters pretty much cover the core concepts of logic that I saw over and over again in various courses in college (programming courses, algorithms, digital circuits, etc.)

    Once you figure out a domain/industry you're interested in, I highly recommend focusing on one general purpose programming language that is popular in that domain. Learn about data structures and learn how to use the language to solve problems using data structures. Try not to spread yourself too thin with learning languages. It's more important to focus on learning how to get the computer to do your bidding via one set of tools - later on, once you have that context, you can experiment with other things. It's not a bad idea to learn multiple languages, since in some cases they push drastically different philosophies and practices, but give it time and stay focused early on.

    As you gain confidence there, identify a simple project you can take on that uses that general purpose language, and perhaps a development framework that is popular in your target industry. Read up on best practices, and stick to a small set of features that helps you complete your mini project.

    When learning, try to avoid haplessly jumping from tutorial to tutorial if it means that it's an opportunity to better understand something you really should understand from the ground up. Don't try to understand everything under the sun from the ground up, but don't shy away from 1st party sources of information when you need them. E.g. for iOS development, Apple has a lot of development guides that aren't too terrible. Sometimes these guides will clue you into patterns, best practices, pitfalls.

    Imperfect solutions are fine while learning via small projects. Focus on completing tiny projects that are just barely outside your skill level. It can be hard to gauge this yourself, but if you ever went to college then you probably have an idea of what this means.

    The feedback cycle in software development is long, so you want to be unafraid to make mistakes, and prioritize finishing stuff so that you can reflect on what to improve.
u/jellyready · 1 pointr/AskMen

Female here, but have been in the same boat. Grew up super isolated, so I spent a lot of my 20s on my own and really lonely. Now have several solid friendships, a lot of acquaintances and dating prospects. So, I see myself as a success story. A lot of people on here are saying they’ve given up or feel hopeless, but I’m here to tell you it can change.

That loneliness shit is universal/literally an epidemic at this point. It has a lot to do with how our modern society is structured; hyper-independence is lauded, but actually unnatural. It’s not a reflection on you and your likability or lack there of.

(read “Loneliness - Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” for more info. It helped me see it wasn’t something inherently wrong with me, but just something everyone experiences. Some people moreso because of practical things like not socialized properly in childhood, lacking skills, etc. It also gives a lot of info of how to get out of the lonely headspace). https://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Also therapy, both individual and group, helped me learn social skills and build connections that got me healthier socially.

(Read “Attached” to learn more about how your style of relating to others may be unhealthy, with guidance on how to improve it.)
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Basically, a quick recipe is:

  1. See the situation as cause and effect, not having anything inherently to do with you as a person or your worth. You’re lonely because of circumstances (that luckily you can control), not because you’re not likeable.

  2. See it as a choice. You’re not helpless. There are things you can do. First, find your blind spots/blocks (with a therapist if you need help seeing them).

    Is it: a lack of social skills? You can learn those. Tons of psych articles out there.

    A lack of confidence? Start building it through changing your thoughts about yourself (cbt, self-coaching, etc). And figure out things that make you happy and do more of them.

    A lot of social (and normal) confidence comes from how others treat us, so if you’re not getting a lot of positive feedback from other humans, get a pet that loves the shit out of you, some online pals, or GET A THERAPIST. A good one will make you feel valued and respected and welcome. Those feelings and that long term connection will build our confidence subtly but naturally.

  3. Go out more and do the things. First figure out what you enjoy, and then find social ways to do it. You could see a movie on your own, or start a movie night at your place. You could play games by yourself, or join a league. You could work on your car yourself, or join some enthusiasts club (idk I’m trying to think of dude things). You could take up knitting at home, or go to a knitting circle. Whatever it is.

  4. Mitigate Expectations - don’t go to a non-primarily-social place and hope/try for a best friend. The person behind you in the grocery store probably isn’t looking for that when you guys exchange a quick comment about the line length. Or the cashier probably doesn’t wanna have a three hour convo. But still chat these ppl up (platonically). Make small talk frequently. Just engage in the world/people around you. It builds social confidence and breaks through isolation in quick bursts. But do talk to people more.

    And then when in very socially-focussed environments, see if there’s anyone that YOU find interesting (instead of focusing on whether or not they’ll find you interesting) and go talk to them. Aim for having a good convo and maybe being fb friends. Take it from there.


    You all got this, dude friends. There is legit hope/resources out there to change, both tour mindset and your situation. I believe in you!
u/shiinee · 12 pointsr/girlsgonewired

I don't think I could do a mock interview exactly... not sure that would be kosher. But I can definitely offer you some tips from my experience with both the intern and full-time interviews.

How to prepare:

  • Study algorithms and data structures as much as you can. Google doesn't ask the type of questions where the answer is just "a hash map!" or "depth first search!". But those things will be the building blocks of your solutions, so know your tools.

  • Pick a language you're comfortable in ahead of time. Python is my favorite for interviews, since it's pretty terse and clear. But you can pretty much choose anything. The coding questions aren't language-specific.

  • Take some problems from a textbook or something and practice coding in a plain text document, or even on paper. No IDE, no compiler, no running your code, etc. You won't have any of those tools in the interview, so you should practice without them.

  • If you can beg, borrow, or steal the book "Cracking the Coding Interview" and read it in the next two weeks, do it. The author, Gayle Lakmann McDowell, worked at Google, where she interviewed a ton of candidates and was on a hiring committee. She also has an interview prep website, CareerCup, which I haven't explored.

  • There are some YouTube videos going through the interview process and providing some tips. I linked two but the "Life at Google" channel has more.

  • Feel free to ask the recruiter if there's anything in particular you should study or how you should prepare. They really want you to be ready and do your best, so they should be happy to guide you in the right direction.

    How to interview:

  • Take a deep breath first! (literally... you can mute for a moment so you don't sound creepy.) You can do this. You've studied for this and you're ready. Once you've got a problem in front of you, stop thinking of it as an interview at all. It's just coding, and that's your thing.

  • You may get a few easy questions first, but sooner or later you'll be faced with a problem you don't know how to solve. That's exactly as intended. The interviewer wants to know how you approach a hard problem, to get an idea of how you think. In fact, solving the problem is not necessarily the goal.

  • Ask for clarification about the problem. What does the input look like? What does the output look like? How big is the data? How should you handle a certain edge case? The interviewer will be happy to answer, in fact, sometimes the problem can only be solved by asking the right questions first.

  • If you're stuck, your interviewer will likely toss out a hint or nudge you in the right direction. Definitely pay attention to that hint, because the interviewer is honestly trying to help you succeed.

  • Think out loud. As long as you aren't typing, describe what's going through your head. "Well, the naive solution for this would be [...], but that would take O([...]) time, and I think I can figure out something better..." The more you say about what you're thinking, the easier it is for the interviewer to help you. Having been on the interviewer side, it's really hard to think up a hint for someone who's just going "hmmmmmm" over an empty doc.

  • No matter how interview #1 goes, you have a clean slate with interview #2. So stay calm, and whatever happens, let it go and focus on the next problem.

    What's next:

  • For interns (at least when I was an intern), they don't do onsites. So this is the main part of the interview process that is basically intended to assess your technical abilities. If it goes well, the rest will be placement interviews where you'll talk to potential hosts and try to find a good fit for an intern project.

    Good luck!! It's always really exciting for me to hear about young women applying to Google. Hopefully I'll see you rocking the propeller beanie this summer. :)

    P.S. I love your username. Avocados are amaze balls and I don't know what I would eat if they didn't exist.
u/apieceoffruit · 1 pointr/ProgrammerHumor

Oh god where to begin?

***

Well I Like to think there are level of programming understanding that are relatively tiered.

Tier 1 - How to Code

***
This one is tough as there is no real definitive best answer. My personal primer of choice is

  • Sams Learn Java in 24 hours.

    &gt; Fyi - , that is not "in one day" that is , in 24, 1 hour sessions equating to a hypothetical 4 college lectures a week lasting a month and a half of intensive training. A huge amount of homework is required to accompany that primer.

    so now you can write an app, what next? well. to finish the thought:


    Tier 2 - How to Code...

    so other programmers don't want to hit you over the head for each line in your longest function screaming CYCLOMATIC COMPLEXITYYYY

    **

    Here we talk about how to program
    properly* You want to be looking up Uncle Bob . Head over to

  • www.cleancoders.com

    and check out his video form of his famous book:

  • Clean Code....then buy that book.

    Now you should be writing code that doesn't make other programmers eyes bleed.

    Tier 3 - How to Code..To Solve Problems

    ***
    Here we talk about design patterns. Now, you will bump into a lot of debate over their value but...that is stupid. that is like some people saying all carpentry should be done with a saw and another group saying carpenters should never use a saw. Design patterns are names for recognised ways to solve problems you will hit every day in your programming. They may not always work in your case but at worst they will have you thinking around a problem better.

    For a primer, check out:

  • Head First: Design Patterns

    In fact the entire head first series is great, It is like the For dummies series for programming principles. Great for morons like myself.

    With that read, get the real design pattern book:

  • Elements of Reusable...

    Don't expect to actual understand almost any of this. I read that book cover to cover and it didn't actual click for me till it slapped me in the face when i was in the real world developing business tier applications. Although having read it so many times meant I new which pages to flip to when I was ready.

    Tier 4 - How to Code... For Users

    ***

    This is a whole different kettle of fish. Now you may have written the perfect app to do X with only two buttons, you will find quickly that users are adept at licking the buttons in just the correct order to cause your application to explode. You need to program applications so the cast of jersey shore can use it.

    I am a fan of the blog:

  • Joel on Software.

    Joel (Co-founder of Trello) covers a lot regarding front facing applications and UX that is required reading...even if he a bit cavalier on his approach to testing.

    This is the next part. Testing. You are going to want to Learn about Defensive Programming andTesting. There is a wealth of tutorials over on pluralsight for these.

    Tier 5 - When NOT to Code


    **

    This is a hard step to get to. Realising that copy and pasting code is GREAT!..but for the right reasons. Once you jump over the initial Copy+paste = the greatest thing in the world barrier , most developers grow a level of defiance that borders on the absurd. Preferring to rewrite the wheel instead of using ...the wheel. When you can honestly say you
    could* program it from scratch, it is perfectly okay to use libraries and apis.

    This is where I go to:

  • www.codeproject.com

    and hit up Sacha and others. They show you fairly feature complete and interesting implementations of problems, not just the one or two lines you get from Stack Overflow. Granted this is miles more complicated but it shows not only how to do it, but how to do it right and WHY to do it right. and github of course.

    Tier 6 - Learning From Mistakes

    ***

    Now that you have climbed code mountain and are absorbing the combined knowledge of all the internet geniuses, it is time to see where you went wrong.

    Head over to

  • http://codereview.stackexchange.com/

    and post you functional applications. There a number of people will politely tell you not...how but how to do it better, general improvements in design, logic and reusability. take you through the solid principles and much more. Also..say hello to me if you like :P.

    You don't even have to learn exclusively from your own mistakes.

    check out:

  • www.thedailywtf.com

    and cringe at some examples of real software....and if you don't understand why you should be cringing..learn.

    ***

    Tier 7 - How to think like a programmer


    Now things get a little bit meta. The best way to become a great programmer? don't JUST read programming. Read books like:

  • Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

  • Don't Make Me Think

    Read anything and everything, exercise your mind. books on architecture, books on carpentry. any kind of design and problem solving with stretch your understanding of how to climb those brick walls you will hit.

    Read some of the more general programming blogs, like:

  • http://blog.codinghorror.com/

    Read anything and everything.

    Final Thoughts

    ***

    Have fun.

    Check out:

  • www.commitstrip.com
  • www.xkcd.com

    and..well..here.

    I would also say as a personal suggestion, although i left it out of the mandatories up above as it is a bit controversial, I suggest going TDD. Test driven development. It is not for everyone, a hard ethos to get into but in the real world, in business applicable coding...a life saver. Uncle bob is the man for that again.

    Finally I am a fan of Rubber Ducking. Great way to work though problems.

    If you want some final reading, I left them out because everyone and their brother has these (and most of the above) in their top 50 programming book lists so it is a mite redundant:

  • Code Complete
  • The Mythical Man Month
  • The Pragmatic Programmer
  • Refactoring: Improving the Design of Existing Code

    ***
    Enjoy.



u/calligraphy_dick · 4 pointsr/Homebrewing

If there are red flags I'm doing in these pictures, please let me know.

edit:

1st batch: Craft-A-Brew APA Kit

2nd batch: Northern Brewer's 1 Gallon Bavarian Hefe Kit

3rd batch: DrinkinSurfer's Milk Oatmeal Stout Recipe @HBT

If I could start over I would go straight to the 3-gallon batches. I hovered around them but I think it's the perfect batch size for beginners -- 1) Most people have a stockpot lying around the kitchen big enough to hold three gallons, 2) The batches are small enough so you don't have to drink two cases of bad brew, but big enough so if you enjoy it [which I'm thoroughly enjoying my first APA], you'll have plenty to taste and rate the evolution of the flavors over various weeks of priming and give out to family friends who are interested to try out what you made, 3) I ordered 3 Gallon Better Bottles for several reasons including worrying about shattering a glass carboy as a newbie. They also qualify for free shipping on MoreBeer's website with purchases above a certain price. 4) Even though I brewed a 5 gallon batch, and since I'm brewing solo, I'm already not looking forward to bottling the whole batch at once so I plan on breaking up bottling between two days.

For resources, I lurk this sub like a crazy stalker. The Daily Q&amp;A is full of information both crucial and minute. I listen to James Spencer's Basic Brewing Radio podcast and practically substituted it for all music recently. It's family friendly and entertaining [I heard the other podcasts aren't so much]. I read Charles Papazian's Complete Joy of Homebrewing, 2nd ed. and For the Love of Hops by Stan Hieronymus to get a better understanding of the hops varieties and characteristics. I plan on reading John Palmer's How to Brew and Ray Daniels Designing Great Beers in the future, as well as Brew Like a Monk. Also, the HomeBrewTalk stickies in the forums provide good picture tutorials for several different styles of brewing.

I got into homebrewing so I can brew the, then, only beer style I liked: Imperial Stouts. But as I learned more about the balance and flavors of beer I surprised myself by branching out to enjoying other beers [even the odd IPA every so often]. My narrow scope of beer has broadened more vast that I ever would've imagined it. My brother got me this beer tasting tool kit used for blind taste tests so I try to keep good records and actively taste and appreciate craft beers. I even keep a couple in my wallet for tasting beers on draft.

I really wish I had an immersion wort chiller, a bigger boil kettle, a mash tun, and a propane burner. Those few equipment pieces hinder me from exploring more advanced style of homebrew. I intend to upgrade to all-grain but making the switch is really expensive. I'm still in the look-to-see-what-I-have-lying-around-the-house phase equipment-wise.

Which leads me to: don't be scared to spend money while DIY-ing. Many of you have probably seen my (and many others', most likely) shitty stir plate. DIY should be a balance of doing things on the cheap, but still making it work and function well. There's no point in DIYing if you're not going to be happy with it and just end up buying the commercial equivalent anyway. That's where I am right now.. I'm currently trying to salvage a cooler [no-spigot] I found in my garage and turn it into a mash tun instead of just buying a new cooler with a plastic, removable spigot. I'm certain it would make DIY easier but slightly more expensive.

But the suckiest thing for me about homebrewing is that I don't have a car so getting local, fresh ingredients and supporting my LHBSs is a piece of PITA bread.

u/tazemanian-devil · 4 pointsr/exjw

Here's another side of the coin. Not necessarily to drag you out of the cult, but just some very awesome, beautiful truths. If you've seen me post this before, i apologize. I don't like to assume everyone reads every thread.

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking

Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.


For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

u/noscoe · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Einstein's books about relativity written by Einstein for the non-expert
-Helps you understand not only his theories well, but piques your interest in science a lot, and improves your way to approach all problems. His essays (in particular The World As I See It, be careful of edited versions on the internet which cut out parts they don't like about God, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y0_aNvH0Wo) are amazing as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Relativity-The-Special-General-Theory/dp/1619491508/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1347758889&amp;amp;sr=8-3&amp;amp;keywords=einstein+relativity


Middlesex By Jeffrey Eugenides
-A novel, Pulitzer Prize winner in fiction (called the great american epic), will increase your understanding of those with LGBTQ considerations, but mostly an amazing book
http://www.amazon.com/Middlesex-Novel-Oprahs-Book-Club/dp/0312427735/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1347759265&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=middlesex

Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers By Robert Sapolsky
-Entertaining book, will increase your knowledge of a whole lot of things, and increase your interest in psychology and statistics. Also Freakanomics by Levitt/Dubner and Outliers/Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. All good to get your foot in the door to approach the complicated world we live in logically.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Zebras-Dont-Ulcers-Third/dp/0805073698/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1347759102&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=why+zebras+dont+get+ulcers

Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! by Richard Feynman
--Autobiography of a nobel prize winning physicist, very funny. Will (again) demonstrate how a brilliant person approach the world. Very funny and easy read.
http://www.amazon.com/Surely-Feynman-Adventures-Curious-Character/dp/0393316041/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1347759305&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=Richard+P.+Feynman

u/astroNerf · 3 pointsr/DebateAnAtheist

&gt; How do we explain that we all seem to know what is right and wrong?

We are all descended from ancestors who lived in small groups. Cooperation and empathy were crucial adaptations for living in small groups. Typical people (that is, people with empathy) are capable of recognising the emotions of others, and instinctively respond to those emotions. Morality is something built on top of this, and is informed by what we know about human behaviour and human experience. And, there's a lot we don't agree on, but the basics (things like killing and stealing) people do.

Check out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution_of_morality

&gt; Why do we all look for and want meaning if this is a meaningless world?

This is a great question, one that I've not encountered before. I don't think the world is meaningless at all. If you believe that the only meaning possible comes from a deity, then certainly, I can understand why you might think that a godless world would be meaningless. But, we're intelligent beings capable of making value judgements. We are more than capable of assigning our own meaning to things.

I would argue that for our species, our sense of self-worth is tied to our understanding of our purpose. As social beings, we have evolved to be happy when we belong to a group, fulfilling some role that is important or unique. Life can be tough, but it's made better when we know that our struggle has some compensating benefit - being a parent can be really challenging, but people still do the 2am feedings because they know that there is a child that is relying on them. I'm not happy unless I accomplish something, or solve a problem, or make someone's life just a little bit better. If we did not derive meaning out of raising children or being cooperative and social with other members of our species, it would likely be that we would not have survived this long.

&gt; How can we know what is true? If our brains have evolved to ensure our survival and not necessarily tell us what is true... how can we be sure of anything?

We test things. We build models of reality in our heads, and we run simulations to predict the outcomes of our actions. If we find that the outcomes closely match what we predict, we can be confident that they are correct insofar as they produce accurate predictions: someone once said that all models are wrong, but some are useful..

So, we care less about ultimate truth, and are more interested in relative truth. What do I mean by this? Well, imagine for a moment that this reality is just a computer simulation, one so good that we don't know it's a simulation. The best we could hope to do in such a case is to understand the rules of this simulated reality. The rules might not be the ultimate rules of the reality in which the simulation runs (say, the laws of physics governing the computer that's running the simulation.)

I don't have absolute certainty in most things. At best, I have varying degrees of confidence, based on justification. For the things of which I'm very certain, I can point to the reasons why I think what I think and I can explain why those reasons are sufficient - invariably, this has to do with things like empiricism.

&gt; How do you as an atheist defend the fine-tuning argument? The chances of a world existing with life, even existing at all, is incredibly low. Did we really just get extremely lucky?

Incredibly low, perhaps. But consider the number of habitable planets in our own galaxy, and the number of galaxies in our observable universe. The statistics of large numbers allows for the rare to become common.

It's also worth pointing out that if the gravity of Earth was a bit stronger or the Earth was a bit closer or a bit farther away from the Sun, perhaps a different life would have evolved here, and that different life would be remarking how the Earth is perfectly suited to that life. This is exactly what Douglas Adams was talking about with the parable of the sentient puddle. We evolved to fit this environment - not the other way around. We look the way we do because nature has taken the "clay" and pressed it into a people-like mould, and a cheetah-like mould, and a sequoia-like mould, and so on.

&gt; What do you think is the best argument against Christianity?

Probably an utter lack of any credible evidence for any of its supernatural claims.

Also too, when you learn how the bible came to be as we know it today, it becomes very difficult take the claim seriously that it is inspired by a deity. Karen Armstrong's book A History of God is an excellent read that shows how the character of Yahweh evolved over time, beginning as a provincial war god before being promoted by the Yahwist cult, supplanting other deities in the Canaanite pantheon, before large chunks of what would eventually become the Old Testament, were re-written as though Yahweh had always been the one true god - it really strains credulity. You can see a video summary of the key parts of the book here.

u/jgi · 10 pointsr/simpleliving

Absolutely. I'm glad you asked and I hope I can be helpful.

I know it can be very difficult to stop consumerism within us because we've been advertised to our entire lives. We've been told that material possession equates to success and self-worth. The more we have, the better we are. You and I can read these sentences I wrote and recognize how stupid that idea is. Yet, advertising is so good that even the knowledge that we're being advertised to doesn't always prevent that same advertising from working on us. Advertising is based on exploiting human psychology. That's why it works. Just know that it's very difficult to ignore advertising on a subconscious level. We're only human. We will fail. We will make mistakes. Recognizing all this is a good first step.

It's important to practice desiring less. When you want something, stop yourself and think about it. Think about your motivations. Why do you want it? Is there a real justification for acquiring something? Is it a true need, or just a want? If it's simply a want, well, tell yourself you want it but you don't need it and move on. Try to thwart the desire for that thing at the source. Desire for a thing is like sexual lust... it's only human to feel that way, but you don't need to act on it.

It's a constant practice, desiring less. It's difficult. Possibly the most difficult thing a human can do. But desire leads to disappointment and suffering. Desire is temporary, but if we play that desire out to its end, often times the fruits of that desire can be disappointing and longlasting. But if you don't need something, if you don't desire, you're that much more free... "Nah, I don't need that." You become unflappable. More in control. But don't kid yourself... it's hard. Keep practicing.

If you're looking to get rid of stuff you already have that isn't bringing you happiness, I recommend Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up." It's become quite a popular book and for good reason. It really makes you think about why you have stuff and how that stuff functions in your life.

If you want to work on internalizing the idea of desiring less, take a look at /r/buddhism. It's important that if you start reading Buddhist texts that you realize that Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion. Buddhism's main tenant is "freedom from desire is the path to enlightenment." It's a very deep rabbit hole to go down and a lifetime of study. For a more modern take on Buddhist teaching, I love Pema Chodron. I also really love Anthony DeMello and Jiddu Krishnamurti.

Another great place to look is /r/stoicism and in particular "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius was emperor of Rome, but that didn't stop him from living a life of equanimity and mindfulness. His book "Meditations" is more like a private diary, in which he reminds himself on how to live a good life.

“We need to master the art of acquiescence. We need to pay attention to our impulses, making sure they don’t go unmoderated, that they benefit others, that they’re worthy of us. We need to steer clear of desire in any form and not try to avoid what’s beyond our control.” -- Meditations, 11.37 (Hays translation)

I hope that this stuff can get you started on your journey. Just know that you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to flip a switch and completely change who you are to be a success at any of this. It's a process and it's a practice. Failure is okay. Don't beat yourself. Just try. Just keep practicing this stuff every day and it will add up. You can do it.

u/Fey_fox · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

u/UnluckyWriting · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

u/Valendr0s · 7 pointsr/atheism

The god of the bible itself is a logical fallacy... but more to that in a moment...

Here's my subscription list in YouTube in alphabetical order:

  • C0nc0rdance - dedicated to cutting through scientific hype and helping the laymen understand the real science behind the hype. Not so much anti-religion as pro science.

  • cdk007 - Evolution explanations. General creationist lie busting. Try his "Logic of Religion" Series.

  • DarkMatter2525 - sort of a humorous site, he pokes fun more than most, but he exposes some fallacies.

  • DonExodus - His older stuff is better IMO, but still a very solid channel.

  • dprjones - some good stuff here, he's more up on the YouTube drama than some of the others.

  • Evid3nc3 - Some interesting, "how I became an atheist" stories. But the real gem of this collection has to be: A History of God part 1. Which is essentially a book report on the book "A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam"

  • GreatBigBore - His newer stuff is way off base of his older stuff... He used to do critiques of creationist/atheist debates, creationist papers, and religious propaganda, pointing out every logical fallacy he can find. Try the "God's Quality Control 2.0" series.

  • Jon LaJoie - not religiously related, but HILARIOUS nevertheless, you needed a break anyway - start with everyday normal guy and keep the laughs coming.

  • National Center for Science Education - The group trying very hard to keep Evolution in schools and Religion out of them. Dr Eugenie Scott is probably one of my personal heroes.

  • NonStampCollector - very funny, has lots of biblical contradictions in here. He loves em. Funny guy. But if there is a hell this guy's goin there unless god's got an infinite sense of humor too...

  • Philhellenes - If there was an atheist church, this would be the pastor. Warning, it can be a tear jerker... Science Saved My Soul. Deliberately uses religious tactics to invoke emotions in scientific minds to great effect.

  • potholer54 - Another personal hero. Former science news correspondent, destroys creationist arguments with his huge hammer of justice. Also has Potholer54debunks.

  • ProfMTH - again, older stuff is amazing. His "Brief Bible Blunders" series was really good.

  • QualiaSoup - Now we're cooking with fire. This guy is who you're looking for. He destroys religion's base arguments. He decimates every argument with his soft accented voice. Putting faith in its place is where I'd start.

  • A single video by smsavage32 - Was Jesus a Myth? - very enlightening.

  • TheraminTrees - Here's the brother of QualiaSoup. Deals with the psychological effects of religion. Amazing two guys here, can't go wrong with them. I'd suggest Atheism as congruence and Transition to Atheism for his personal story.


    To recap, almost everything in TheraminTrees and QualiaSoup's channels are just amazing. Watch them and have your mind grapes soar. I wish I could watch Science Saved my Soul again for the first time. That was such an experience - I envy you.
u/FrontpageWatch · 1 pointr/longtail

&gt;Why is it so hard to figure out where to start?
&gt;
&gt;It's no secret that software development has exploded in the past 20 years. New software startups pop up like dandelions in the spring. It then follows that a lot of people think software development is a good career choice and are afraid of missing out on a lot of great opportunities.
&gt;
&gt;Software developers are, in general, pretty opinionated. I doubt this is unique to developers, but it gets tiresome when you've dealt with it for years. If we're not fighting over what operating system is better, then it's what language is better. If it's not that, then it's code editors, or databases, or frameworks, or bug trackers, or development processes, or...or...or. It's like we enjoy fighting.
&gt;
&gt;In a time where more and more people are becoming developers, it's not enough to be just "a developer" anymore. No, to feel superior now, developers need to somehow differentiate themselves from both the non-developer “rabble” and their fellow developers.
&gt;
&gt;This mentality has lead to more coding languages being developed that purport to "fix" issues with other languages. New frameworks are built to "fix" issues with previous frameworks. And on and on.
&gt;
&gt;All this leads to a huge amount of choices, opinions, and resources. Naturally, that makes starting to learn, daunting.
&gt;
&gt;Since I'm a developer too, I'm susceptible to the same opinions and biases that I just railed against. The difference is, I'm right. I'm kidding, seriously, calm down everybody. Here are my suggestions.
&gt;
&gt;Choose your weapon language
&gt;
&gt;As someone once said: “the weapon doesn’t make the man.” It’s probably a quote from some B martial arts movie or Dragonball Z, but the philosophy holds true for programming languages. A good developer is a good developer regardless of language. However, you need to start someplace, and if you pick your first language wisely, you’ll drastically shorten the time to hit your goal.
&gt;
&gt;Picking a language boils down to what you want to do. This is a quick list of general development goals and what language(s) are your best options to get there:
&gt;
&gt;1. Front-end web development (user interface and interaction): Javascript, HTML &amp; CSS
&gt;1. Back-end web development (services that front-end web apps and mobile apps call out to): Ruby, Python or Javascript
&gt;1. Mobile development: Swift (iOS) or Java (Android)
&gt;1. Windows development: C#
&gt;1. MacOS development: Swift or Objective-C
&gt;1. Operating systems, file systems, embedded systems, etc: C/C++
&gt;
&gt;Naturally, there are other options for each of these. Javascript is useful for items 1-5, for instance. But the list is a good starting place as-is.
&gt;
&gt;How to find good resources to start learning
&gt;
&gt;There are a ton of resources to learn to code out on the web. How do you sift through the chaff and find the real gems?
&gt;
&gt;Most resources fall into the following categories:
&gt;
&gt; Books
&gt;
Videos
&gt; Blogs/tutorials
&gt;
Courses
&gt;
&gt;Books are the traditional go-to resource. Search Amazon.com for your topic and read reviews. Make sure that any books you're considering are new. Languages change and older books could slow your progress.
&gt;
&gt;A lot of people have gravitated to videos to learn coding and other topics. YouTube is the first place most people look. Fair warning, this is going to turn up a bunch of crap. Look at how many subscribers a given instructor has, and watch some videos to see if their style and method works for you. Another possible issue is that because video is more difficult to update for new versions of a language (or corresponding tools), some videos might be outdated.
&gt;
&gt;For blogs and tutorials, a simple google search like "best python tutorial" or "best swift tutorial for beginners" is a great place to start. As with videos, you'll have to try a few to see how they work with your learning style.
&gt;
&gt;Online courses are the newest resource on the scene. Codecademy is one that a lot of people find immediately. However, after I talked to a lot of people who tried it, none really thought it did a good job. Free Code Camp or The Odin Project are both highly regarded for web development. Udacity, Coursera, Udemy all have courses in different genres. Each has reviews so you can compare and only look at ones that helped others. My specific examples follow in the next section.
&gt;
&gt;Where you should start, specifically
&gt;
&gt;Each development goal in the above list is different enough to require different starting points. I’ll list the place that I’d recommend you start for each one. I have not personally tried all of them, but have come across them when doing research. There also might be better ones, and so if you know of any, let me know and I’ll update this list.
&gt;
&gt;1. Front-end web development: Free Code Camp
&gt;1. Back-end web development: Ruby (for Rails), Python (for Django), Javascript (for Node)
&gt;1. Mobile development: Swift Lynda’s Swift Essentials (check your local library to see if you get a free Lynda account with a library card) or Flatiron school’s free Swift course, Swift Programming book or Java Head First Java, University of Helsinki’s MOOC
&gt;1. Windows development: Head First C#, Pluralsight’s C# course
&gt;1. MacOS development: Cocoa programming for OS X, or the same courses for mobile Swift
&gt;1. Operating systems, filesystems, embedded systems: C++ How to Program book, C++ Tutorial for Complete Beginners
&gt;
&gt;Once you pick your language and starting point and you start learning, some things will be obvious, but others will be difficult to understand. You’re going to run into trouble and with concepts and code errors. That’s normal. We’ve all been there. Getting unstuck takes practice too.
&gt;
&gt;How to get unstuck once you’ve started
&gt;
&gt;Once you start learning to code, you're going to run into problems that you don't know how to solve. This is normal and part of the process. You don't really learn unless you struggle through it. That said, you won't always be able to move forward without some help. So how do you find that help?
&gt;
&gt;First off, forget books. They aren't a great place to start here, because the number and types of errors they can cover is so small.
&gt;
&gt;Online is the easiest place to find help. Most devs look for solutions on StackOverflow or just google the error message (if they have one). Other solutions are to find newsgroups or forums dedicated to the language you're using.
&gt;
&gt;How to use Google to get unstuck
&gt;
&gt;When you first try to google an answer to your problem, you're going to run into the issue of what to search for. Experienced developers are really good at this part, but unfortunately, it's hard for beginners, who need it the most. So here I'll give you some expert hints on how to improve your search results.
&gt;
&gt;1. Always include the name of the language you're using. If you're using a specific tool, database, or framework, include that as well. Don't include all of them, just the ones that you believe are relevant. This will take practice.
&gt;1. If you're getting an error message, include that in quotes. Edit the message to contain only the core of the message so it doesn't reference any files, classes, path or filenames that are specific to your program or computer. The trick here is to make the error message as specific as possible while still being general enough to apply to others who are using the same language/tool/etc. but in a different context.
&gt;1. If you're working through a publicly-published problem from a book or course, add that information to the search.
&gt;1. Explain what you're trying to do, with the fewest words. This is tough for developers of all levels. For a beginner, you may have trouble coming up with the right terminology. This is where the books, tutorials, and course materials come in handy. They should use the right language if you're doing something similar to what's covered in them. If not, you're going to need to try some different wording. Remember, other beginners are going to be having problems too and might explain the problem the same way.
&gt;
&gt;Here are a few examples I’ve used (minus the quotes):
&gt;

u/casualcolloquialism · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

u/Semiel · 3 pointsr/relationships

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/OneDegree · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

Women generally enjoy stuff that falls into any of the following categories:

u/tonytwobits · 3 pointsr/Christianity

I am at 3 years and counting. I am now 24. I am in the same boat as you in some ways. I NEVER thought that I could be an atheist and was incredibly involved in the church. I fully believed it and VERY much enjoyed it. Youth group, men's group, worship team, mission trips the whole works. But now, like you it is hard for me to imagine being swayed back.


For a while I wanted it to be true. After a while that began to fade as I realized how much bigger the world is without the god of the Bible. I am so much happier now. I guess a better way to describe it is I am much more satisfied and feel much more fulfilled about my life. I know it is a bit cheesy and dramatic, but this video had a big effect on me as I became an atheist. One line in particular addressed this feeling of wanting god to be true:
&gt; Could it be that someone promised us something so beautiful that our universe seems dull, empty, even frightening by comparison?

At first that is kind of how I felt. I was promised heaven. I was promised that I was going to live forever with the creator. However, another part of the video addressed this and is one of my favorite lines:

&gt;We were told long ago and for a long time that there was only the Earth—that we were the center of everything. That turned out to be wrong. We still haven’t fully adjusted. We’re still in shock. The universe is not what we expected it to be. It’s not what they told us it would be. This cosmic understanding is all new to us. But there’s nothing to fear. We’re still special. We’re still blessed. And there might yet be a heaven, but it isn’t going to be perfect. And we’re going to have to build it ourselves.


I know that I will never be as sure about my atheism as I was about my Christianity. But I have learned that is a good thing. It was un-healthy how sure I was in Christianity. Nobody can honestly be a true gnostic atheist and that is ok.

I will say however that I can be pretty sure that the god of the Bible is not god, but to say that I am 100% sure that there is no god is a irrational statement to say.


I did a lot of studying as I was becoming an atheist. Honestly I know the Bible better now that I ever did as a Christian. The more I learned the more unsure I was about Christianity.


There is a book you might like. It is called a A History of God. I am reading it right now and it is very good and I recommend it.


How do you feel now as a atheist? About life? About yourself? I am just wondering because I wonder if it was some of the same things I felt. I like talking to people as they are changing their world view in one way or another :)

u/cosmologicalanomaly · 1 pointr/cringepics

Sounds like you are about 4 years behind me (Future physics PhD candidate). Glad to know you have discovered Dover books, they really are great and so cheap. It also sounds like you know what you're doing so good job, keep at it and you might make a good case for graduate school (if that's your destination). But I will warn you that upper division mathematics courses are different. I have seen so many people who think they are really great at mathematics up to vector calculus and then get completely shit on by more abstract courses like real analysis, abstract algebra and topology. The reason for this is that it requires more formalism and is very rigorous as far as proofs go. You'll eventually learn that math is all about making sure you have checked every possible condition in order to move on. I think something you will need is mathematical logic before you tackle abstract courses. If you do collect textbooks (like I do) then I would also recommend this textbook. It teaches you how to think like a mathematician and the logic behind proofs. I think a mathematics logic course is essential to students and it's a shame many mathematics students don't go through a formal logic course before they tackle advanced courses. Of course, some don't need it but unless you are brilliant, I would recommend it (Even if you are brilliant it would be a easy read). Just dig deep and focus and good luck with your future work. Mathematics and Physics are two beautiful subjects and it's always great to talk to future mathematicians or physicists(or any aspiring scientist in that case!) and help them get inspired or motivated!

P.S. Funny story, I had a friend who thought it would be funny to make people believe that Euler is pronounce "you-ler" with the argument that Euclid is pronounced "you-clid". It was pretty funny seeing people believe him.

u/Finbel · 29 pointsr/learnprogramming

If you're working on your math and might pursue a CS degree I'd recommend Cracking the Coding Interview. I actually haven't read it myself but it's a highly recommended book often mentioned on subreddits like /r/cscareerquestions

EDIT: Perhaps pair it up with books on algorithms and data structures so you get comfortable in working with, lists, arrays, trees, graphs etc :)

EDIT: (currently 0) Why would someone down vote this? I just don't understand why?

EDIT: Someone mentioned that it could perhaps be because I hadn't read it myself so I thought I'd add a heartfelt recommendation by /u/amputect that I just read in the authors AMA:

&gt; Gayle, I don't have a question, but I wanted to say that your book helped me get two programming jobs. I used to push grocery carts in the arizona summer, now I work for Google. I also, like, went to college and learned and stuff, but your book was a huge help in prepping for interviews. Thanks to you, I felt more confident and more prepared, and I was able to interview with several major tech companies without fear vomiting a single time which for me was a pretty big deal.
Seriously, thank you, thank you, thank you. Your book is great, I recommend it to everyone. You are a fantastic writer and a brilliant human being. Thank you!

u/dontbeajerk · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

My husband and I are in an open relationship, also both 27. but we just got married last month so we're still super into each other, just also into other people :) We have been reading The Ethical Slut together and I think it's a wonderful introduction to an open lifestyle - it covers all the possible permutations of an open relationship and it's a funny read.

Relationships, open or not, are completely different for everybody, but I will tell you our "rules" in case they are helpful to you. We only consent to having safe sex with others, and we immediately tell the other person if we fuck it up (like a condom comes off in the heat of the moment.) I don't get mad if this happens - I just care about keeping us both stay safe and healthy. Also, if either one of us decides to "veto" something, like a new lover or a situation that for some reason makes us uncomfortable, they have that right. As a culture, we don't really have a vocabulary for discussing these things with each other so it takes a LOT of talking to help work through why something feels wrong, or feels great, or makes us worried or makes us excited in a new way! I have found that these discussions have really turned up the heat just between my husband and I as we discover new things about each other.

Lastly, there's a concept in the polyamorous community of "new relationship energy." When you have the hots for someone you just met, it's often more juicy than your existing long term partners. Enjoy it! But don't mistake it for a greater love than the one(s) you already have. Lust is lovely, but it isn't love.

I hope that this is helpful to you and please feel free to PM me if you want.

u/clanofthethrowaway · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

So, I'm not a doctor by any means, so take it with a grain of salt. But sex is a mental experience just as much as a physical one, and it sounds like your mental experience of sex is that it is universally a failure, so any sexual encounters you have will always be a failure. Arousal always equals disappointment, so you can never stay aroused because why? Ruling out a physical cause, which you should not do yet until you see an OBGYN, I think you would greatly benefit from a redefining of what it means for you to be sexual. You may need long, slow, patient sex with a lot of foreplay and sexual tension buildup to make the arousal strong enough to last you through sex, and that's ok! Hopefully your boyfriend is willing to go through this journey with you.

I very much recommend a sexual therapist, but if you want to try reading up on some stuff, I have some recommendations that may put you on the right path:

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/sensate-focus-katie-fleming/ - Sensate focus is the practice of slowly, deliberately getting to know your and your partner's body in a sensual, not sexual way. It takes away the pressure, and just lets you explore eachother until you are ready. You could spend hours on just touching if you wanted to, and pet me tell you, it is a lovely feeling.

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/figuring-out-how-to-orgasm-by-bingo/ - It can feel unbelievably isolating and embarrassing when you feel like you can't cum for someone, even yourself. But it's so much more common and normal than you think. And when you figure out what it is that does get you there, it's easy to feel like it'd be too much of a hassle for your partner to learn. But they love you, and they want you to feel the way you make them feel.


Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_UT-nDbPT9JQ7F - This sounds like a clickbait title, but it really is the real deal. This book can help you identify your sexual mindscape and behaviors and teach you how to navigate it for maximal satisfaction. Everyone is different, everyone has a normal that works for them, all they have to do is release their shame about it.

Also, I cannot stress this enough, servicing him is not making him happy, so don't do things you don't get anything out of just to make him happy. He said he doesn't want you to just do things for him, he wants you to like it. I'm not saying that to pressure you; I'm saying that because the last thing you want to do if you ever want to have a healthy outlook on sex and have a healthy sex life is to resign yourself to being a sexual servent for your partner's amusement because your fun factory is out of order. You want to see yourself as a sexual being deserving of pleasure, and have your man in your corner doing everything he can to find your happy place so you both can get there together.

Best of luck with everything 💜

u/lurking_quietly · 5 pointsr/learnmath

Learning proofs can mean different things in different contexts. First, a few questions:

  1. What's your current academic level? (Assuming, of course, you're still a student, rather than trying to learn mathematical proofs as an autodidact.)

    The sort of recommendations for a pre-university student are likely to be very different from those for a university student. For example, high school students have a number of mathematics competitions that you could consider (at least in The United States; the structure of opportunities is likely different in other countries). At the university level, you might want to look for something like a weekly problem solving seminar. These often have as their nominal goal preparing for the Putnam, which can often feel like a VERY ambitious way to learn proofs, akin to learning to swim by being thrown into a lake.

    As a general rule, I'd say that working on proof-based contest questions that are just beyond the scope of what you think you can solve is probably a good initial source of problems. You don't want something so difficult that it's simply discouraging. Further, contest questions typically have solutions available, either in printed books or available somewhere online.

  2. What's your current mathematical background?

    This may be especially true for things like logic and very elementary set theory.

  3. What sort of access do you have to "formal" mathematical resources like textbooks, online materials, etc.?

    Some recommendations will make a lot more sense if, for example, you have access to a quality university-level library, since you won't have to spend lots of money out-of-pocket to get copies of certain textbooks. (I'm limiting my recommendations to legally-obtained copies of textbooks and such.)

  4. What resources are available to you for vetting your work?

    Imagine trying to learn a foreign language without being able to practice it with a fluent speaker, and without being able to get any feedback on how to improve things. You may well be able to learn how to do proofs on your own, but it's orders of magnitude more effective when you have someone who can guide you.

  5. Are you trying to learn the basics of mathematical proofs, or genuinely rigorous mathematical proofs?

    Put differently, is your current goal to be able to produce a proof that will satisfy yourself, or to produce a proof that will satisfy someone else?

  6. What experience have you already had with proofs in particular?

    Have you had at least, for example, a geometry class that's proof-based?

  7. How would you characterize your general writing ability?

    Proofs are all about communicating ideas. If you struggle with writing in complete, grammatically-correct sentences, then that will definitely be a bottleneck to your ability to make progress.

    ---

    With those caveats out of the way, let me make a few suggestions given what I think I can infer about where you in particular are right now.

  • The book How to Prove It: A Structured Approach by Daniel Velleman is a well-respected general introduction to ideas behind mathematical proof, as is How to Solve It: A New Aspect of Mathematical Method by George Pólya.

  • Since you've already taken calculus, it would be worth reviewing the topic using a more abstract, proof-centric text like Calculus by Michael Spivak. This is a challenging textbook, but there's a reason people have been recommending its different editions over many decades.

  • In order to learn how to write mathematically sound proofs, it helps to read as many as you can find (at a level appropriate for your background and such). You can find plenty of examples in certain textbooks and other resources, and being able to work from templates of "good" proofs will help you immeasurably.

  • It's like the old joke about how to get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.

    Learning proofs is in many ways a skill that requires cultivation. Accordingly, you'll need to be patient and persistent, because proof-writing isn't a skill one typically can acquire passively.

    ---

    How to improve at proofs is a big question beyond the scope of what I can answer in a single reddit comment. Nonetheless, I hope this helps point you in some useful directions. Good luck!
u/LaTuFu · 6 pointsr/Divorce

Whew this got wordy in a hurry. Sorry for the wall of text.

Look at it this way: Both of you did things to each other that were very harmful for your marriage.

I am not excusing what she did, because stepping outside the marriage, even during a period of separation, is not a good idea.

BUT...at the same time, having anger issues and taking them out on the mother of your children is a pretty serious betrayal of trust, too.

You're both carrying baggage right now, and both of you are hurt by what has taken place in the marriage. Now what?

If you want to heal this marriage, you definitely can. It is going to take:

  • A lot of humility. Humility is being able to admit that you screwed up, even in the middle of an argument with your wife, even when your pride is telling you that she's wrong, too, and she needs to be the one to apologize first.

  • A lot of grace. Grace is realizing that she's made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes as you try to repair your marriage. Grace is being able to recognize that neither of you are perfect, and it took you however long you've been together (dating and married) to get here, it will take longer than a few months to rebuild trust, and learn new ways of communicating with each other that are healthy.

  • A lot of forgiveness. You're going to have to learn that forgiveness is a process, it is a journey, not a one time thing. You're going to have to learn that you will forgive your wife for something today, 5 months (or even 5 years) will go by and suddenly something will trigger you and you have to go back to this place and start all over with the forgiveness. And you have to learn to forgive yourself, in the same way, for all of the things you did to your wife.

  • A lot of work. You both built this marriage into what it is today. It took a while to get here. It will take a little longer to get to a new place. Both of you will need to focus on the process, not the immediate results. There will be good days and bad days as you rebuild. Chances are very good that the two of you brought a lot of baggage into your marriage from your childhood. Sometimes you can work through that together. Sometimes you need the help of a third party professional to sort through some of that stuff.

  • A lot of communication. In my experience, most married couples today lack the fundamental basics of healthy communication skills. It is probably the leading cause of marriage dissatisfaction in this country. Our society does a horrible job of encouraging healthy, honest communication in relationships. Books like Love and Respect and The 5 Love Languages can help you learn to work on those aspects of your relationship. It can also help you realize that your marriage is a living, breathing entity all to itself, and it requires the same kind of investment, time, and nurturing that your children do if it is going to be successful.

  • A lot of community. Many people on Reddit cringe when they read stuff like this, but I have lived my life both ways, and I can attest to how much better it is this way. You need people in your life who you can go to and talk about your marriage in a healthy way. Not "my wife is a raging bitch, I need to figure out how to change her" gripe sessions, but rather "I am really struggling with how to change the way I react when she doesn't like something I said. I always get defensive and lash out. WTF am I doing wrong?" If you don't have a friend who can look you in the eye and give you an honest, helpful answer to that question, without judging you (or worse, telling the rest of your friends about it) then you don't have community. Living out your life and your marriage in isolation is another reason why so many marriages fail. We can't do this alone. You need 2-4 couples who are in the same season of life as you are (kids near the same age, you guys reasonably close in age. Older couples who are grandparents can be AMAZING resources, but they can't be your only inner circle.) Where to find these people? I would suggest checking out a local church. Visit a few churches in your area for a while before settling on one. Look around while you're there. Is it mostly older people? Do they do the ritual, stand up, sing a hymn, sit down, listen to the preacher, stand up, sing a hymn, walk out and go home without sticking around routine? Probably not a great place. Do you see a lot of younger faces close to your age? Do they have kids near your age? Do they linger in the common area after the service and talk to each other? You might have a finalist for your home church. If you're atheist/agnostic/not sure right now--forget about the faith aspect for a little bit. Trust me when I say, 90% of the beef most Americans have about organized religion has to do with the people running those organizations and their completely warped interpretation of scripture. If you find the right church, you'll realize you have found the churches that get it right. At the very least, it is something to consider. I've seen more marriages saved through solid, loving church communities than I have through all the "family counselors" in my area combined. And some of the strongest marriages I have seen rebuilt have come from the ashes of an infidelity situation.

  • A lot of leadership. One thing I have realized in the last couple of years, our society and our media have done an amazing job of emasculating men and conditioning us to believe that we're chauvinist pigs if we try to be the leaders of our families. The reality can't be further from the truth. Look at all of our society's biggest ills, and you'll see many of them associated with the tag line "they didn't have a strong father figure in their life." The success stories of Kevin Durant and other athletes who overcame single parent backgrounds are the outliers. We're conditioned to believe that if we lead, we're being dominant and harsh. Good fathers and family leaders are never authoritarian assholes. They make sure that everyone in their family, starting with their wives, has the support they need to become the people they're meant to be. We're not absolute dictators. We're counselors, coaches, negotiators, lovers, shepherds...whatever it takes in that moment. And if we're doing it right, our spouse feels loved, respected, honored, and valued in their own right as a person and as a mate/equal partner in their marriage. And your kids see a man who is the model of what a father and husband is supposed to look like. They'll want to find a man like that in their life later on. Wouldn't you rather they got married to a guy like that? Or would you want them to marry the guy you were when you had anger issues? If nothing else, remember that it's not just you and your wife that are affected by all of this. Your kids are in the middle of all of this, and they don't get a vote in the outcome. They just get to suck up all of the consequences, for good or ill. Trust me, the majority of those consequences are ill. Put their needs before yours right now, if your pride is getting in the way of letting you try to work out your marriage. Your kids will thank you for your humility and your sacrifice later on in your life.

    TL;DR: You're not wrong for feeling hurt and resentful. But don't let that hold you back from making the right decision to fight for your family and your marriage.
u/dsarma · 14 pointsr/AskCulinary

I'm a very visual learner, so I got good by watching Julia Child. She regularly peppers her shows with advice about how to get good at something, and how to customise a recipe when things go wrong, or when you want to switch things up a bit. She's got a decidedly French leaning, but French food is a very good place to start anyway. The full set of DVDs of The French Chef can get had for about $50 from ebay.

There's an episode where she was featuring four recipes for potatoes. She was trying to make a potato cake type of thing. She'd added plenty of butter to the pan, and threw in the boiled lightly crushed potatoes. She didn't let it set for a very long time, but tried to flip the whole thing over in one piece. Half of it ended up on the stove. Without skipping a beat, she scooped it off the stove, threw it back in the pan, and said the iconic line "When you're alone in the kitchen, who's going to see?" She then proceeded to dump it into a dish, throw in a load of cream and a few cubes of cheese, and instructed you to let it hang out under the broiler so that it gets bubbly and crisped up. She mentioned that you shouldn't ever apologise for how something came out, and just carry on as if that new thing is what you'd intended all along.

Whenever she had the ability to do so, she'd show you how to do something from scratch, including how to filet a fish, how to separate out a whole chicken, and how to break down larger steaks into serving sized portions. And, because you're watching her do it all for you, you get an idea of what it is you're looking for, step by step.

Another great resource (although their recipes are white, and tend towards the bland) is America's Test Kitchen's TV Show cookbook. On the show itself, they don't go into technique very much, but they certainly do so in the book. There are large, colourful pictures about how each step of the cooking process should look, and hundreds of recipes to try out. They thoroughly test out each recipe repeatedly, using tools that the average home cook will have access to, and taste test the results. It's an excellent resource to have on hand. You can generally find it used for about $20.

If you're curious to try out baking your own bread, I cannot highly recommend enough Bread by Eric Treuille.

https://www.amazon.com/Bread-Eric-Treuille/dp/1409352722/

It has HUGE full colour photos of the final product, and lots of foundational advice about the art of baking bread. They discuss various flours, how to combine them into an existing recipe, and the effects they have on the final loaf. It's one that I turn to whenever I have a craving for home made bread, and it's never lead me wrong.

If you want SOLID advice about how to quickly build up your cooking repertoire, Mike Ruhlman's Ratio is your best bet.

https://www.amazon.com/Ratio-Simple-Behind-Everyday-Cooking/dp/1416571728/

He realised that most basic recipes can be broken down into ratios, so that if you need to scale up or scale down, you can do so very quickly. His technique to teach you how to get comfortable with ratios is very good.

Another EXCELLENT place to start learning to build your own recipes is Julia's Kitchen Wisdom.

https://www.amazon.com/Julias-Kitchen-Wisdom-Essential-Techniques/dp/0375711856/

She gives some basic techniques on foundational recipes, and then tells you how to tweak the recipes to work with whatever you've got on hand. It's less a by the books recipe compendium, and more of a philosophical understanding of how recipes work, and what flavours should go together.

Speaking of flavour. Get The Flavour Bible by Karen Page.

https://www.amazon.com/Flavor-Bible-Essential-Creativity-Imaginative/dp/0316118400/

There are hundreds of ingredients, and the things that go well with them. Instead of giving you a recipe, it gives you ideas of things to combine together, so that they go together in delicious ways.

If you are going to get a ruler, go ahead and get a kitchen ruler:

https://www.amazon.com/Mercer-Culinary-Rules-Mini/dp/B00DT1XYDM/

It's small, but it has a TON of great information on it. Very useful to gauge whether or not you're hitting your marks for whatever size you're aiming for.

u/Everschlong · 3 pointsr/DCcomics

Sure.

Josiah Brooks has an active channel with all kinds of drawing tutorials that are very beginner friendly, so that is one that you should definitely check out.

Sycra has a really beginner-friendly channel as well, with a lot of great tutorials that you'll probably find super useful when you're starting out.

Circle Line Art School has a bunch of videos about perspective that are worth checking out.

Alphonso Dunn specializes in traditional media and shares a lot of tips that will definitely help you out as a beginner and as you move forward and begin experimenting with different techniques.

James Raiz specializes in the kind of artwork I think you're interested in and he shows you his process for constructing characters from sketch all the way to final rendering. Sometimes it might be a bit advanced, but it will give you an idea of the type of process you're looking at.

Ahmed Aldoori has a slightly more advanced channel that is mostly centered around digital art, but includes a lot of short videos with decent tips that could help direct you in your studies.

Joe Cornelius is a painter who is very knowledgeable about colour theory, and so when you begin to use colour in your drawings he's definitely someone you should check out.

Feng Zhu is a master concept artist and teacher who's channel is very advanced and focused entirely on digital painting for video games and movies, and so it might not be particularly helpful for helping you learn to draw comics, but he's a wellspring of information about being a professional artist and it's a joy to watch his process.

Typically you can just type "beginner drawing tutorial" into youtube and it'll give you a ton of other options to choose from. As you move forward, you can refine your searches to learn about more specific things like technique and colour theory.

Also, you should search for comic documentaries on youtube and take some time to learn about the history of the artform and master artists like Jack Kirby and Jim Lee. If you aspire to be a professional then it would be to your benefit to have knowledge about the men that made the artform great to begin with.

Another great resource you should locate is a book called Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. This book will change the way you think about comics as an artform, and I can't recommend it enough to ANYBODY interested in them whether as an aspiring creator or simply as a fan. McCloud's other books are good too, but Understanding Comics should be on every artist's shelf.

u/marylou5 · 2 pointsr/relationshipadvice

I don't know what your wife likes, of course, but I can tell you want I'd like if I were in her shoes:

  1. Massages. But not necessarily sexual ones--don't make her feel like she HAS to have sex with you after the massage is over, even if she is getting partly naked for it. Put on some relaxing music (YouTube is good for this) and use some body oil or lube. If your hands start getting tired, just simple stroking along her back will feel amazing.

  2. Bring home flowers after work, or even just from the grocery store when you go to get food.

  3. Get her a piece of jewelery on her birthday or an anniversary or whatever. Personally, I find necklaces to be the best because I wear them the most--perhaps you can try to see what she tends to wear on a day to day basis. My boyfriend tends to get me practical gifts (or no gifts), but I would probably die of happiness if he got me jewelery that he picked out on his own without me having to beg for it.

  4. Pick up a chocolate bar that you know she likes and surprise her with it. (or some other food she loves, if not chocolate)

  5. Cook dinner without her asking you to (assuming traditional gender roles here, sorry if I'm wrong). It can be something easy, just do it without prompting and then enjoy a nice dinner at your dining table. Or, if you normally cook, pick up one other chore that's usually hers (washing dishes, or laundry, or whatever).

  6. When you're out and about running errands, do "chivalrous" things for her like opening the car door, carrying the heavy bags, letting her order first, serving her first, etc.

    You said she doesn't like traditional stuff, so perhaps flowers &amp; jewelery aren't up her alley. But who knows? Maybe they are. It's worth a shot. The biggest factor in "romance" for me is knowing that my partner actually thought about me and chose to do something that would make me happy without focusing primarily on his own wants and needs.

    I'd also suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages when you get a chance. :) Good luck!
u/proverbialbunny · 2 pointsr/Buddhism

&gt; Fast forward into the future... our system speaks very well. Fluent English. There is no self. There is no awareness. But it's an incredibly effective chatbot. The best ever created. It learned from scratch. Naturally. No programming involved, other than the basic conditions for the neural network to start developing.

You got your order backwards. That's impossible without context / experience to go with it. You can say, "Oh, well it's taking in a bunch of data, that's it's context." but at that point it is identifying self and other already to build context.

Like a baby, it identifies self before it can speak well.

Have you read any of Douglas Hofstadter's work? You would really like his writing. It's all about this sort of stuff. His least popular book (that I wouldn't recommend as a starting read) is Le Ton beau de Marot which explains the difficulty of translating language without context, and is surprisingly relevant to the struggles of Google Translate and the like.

&gt;Gradually it starts developing a self. How wouldn't this happen? Learning how to speak is a process tightly related to learning how to think. Can you imagine thinking without language? Can you imagine fully-fledged human-like communication without some basic underlying thinking? Can you imagine being in love without language? Can you imagine getting attached to your girlfriend, or worrying about death, without language? Take a moment to picture that. A language-less mind.

Yes, I do it all the time, though depending on what you call language. Most of my thoughts are not linguistic which imho is probably why I struggle with English so much.

I've also written AI that pattern matches visual information, like charts of data, mostly for the stock market. So actually, yes, I do know exactly what you mean.

&gt;More complex hierarchies were built. That is how human thinking emerges. Slowly, over the years. Developing such a deep level of understanding of language that it can encode complex thoughts and emotions.

Yes abstractions and recursion. It's not that complicated.

&gt;Back to our system. It's proficient in a language, not hard-coded; but self-taught. It developed not only great grammar and vocabulary, but great communication skills.

I have horrible communication skills. Can you teach me how to be a better communicator?

&gt;You think you can encode emotions without language? Well, sure. But I bet you've never thought of the concept of "Doing your very best effort, to the point of challenging your very own mental and physical limits, going beyond what you thought you were capable of, to push yourself forward and improve" in one single word. You might have thought about this, but... in a single word? Well... you have, if you speak Finnish and know the word "Sisu". Non-Finnish-Speakers lack this. The same applies to tons of languages.

Ahh, but did you ever think about boiling that concept down into a single word itself? (The concept of boiling down concepts.)

There is this thing called Domain-Driven Design in the software engineer architecture world. One of the key aspects of it is called "Ubiquitous Language". It's kind of the heart of business terminology (though technically incorrect from a historical perspective). The idea is you make up a word that represents a concept and then casually use it in the work place in such a way that the sales people, managers, and engineers use it. This way casually everyone syncs up to the same terminology bridging communication between individuals of different backgrounds.

Sadly, ubiquitous language is often used as an ego boost by senior engineers to maintain seniority. Please, if you ever use this technology, explain how it works to the juniors clearly, so they are kept within the loop. Too often seniors will use it as a way to choose who is in the loop, so please "with power comes responsibility". We could use more kindness in the engineering discipline, or at least out here in silicon valley.

&gt;This system I've described in this whole post is actually a human being.

Pretty awesome write up.

You're pretty smart. Are you on hacker news by any chance? Or and totally checkout GEB, you'll like it.

u/fajitaman · 4 pointsr/learnprogramming

The usual advice is "get out and program!" and that works, but it can be very tricky coming up with something to write that's also satisfying. The idea is that you learn best by doing, and that many topics in programming can't really be learned without doing. All that stuff is true and I'm not denying that at all, but some of us need more. We need something juicier than spending hours configuring a UI for a project we couldn't care less about. It shouldn't be an exercise in masochism.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are a lot of ways to learn to write code and books are great if you can really sink your teeth into them (a lot of people can't). Code Complete is a great book on the practice of programming. You also say that you "get" OO pretty well, but it might open your eyes to read up on design patterns (e.g., Head First Design Patterns). You have a long way to go before you really get it

In addition to those, you could delve deeper into your languages of choice. There's no way around JavaScript if you're a web programmer, and a book like JavaScript: The Good Parts is pretty enlightening if you've got some experience in JavaScript already. It's a pretty interesting and unusual language.

But sometimes programming is about building gumption, so instead of just being practical, try to figure out what you like about computers and keep going deeper into it. If you have an interest in computer science and not in just building apps, then something like Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs could instill in you an enthusiasm for computers that trickles down to everything else you do. If you're more interested in web design, there are probably similarly interesting books on artistic design principles.

I think what I'm ultimately saying is that you should find what you enjoy doing and just go deeper down the rabbit hole, getting your hands dirty when it's appropriate and interesting.

u/Jessie_James · 1 pointr/AskMenOver30

THIS IS PART TWO of my reply. Read the other one first.

&gt; I figured I might ask you this, since you seem to be a very down-to-earth guy

Just a little further down the road than you are, that's all.

&gt; I really don't want to check pickup-sites for advice on this sort of stuff.

Banish that thought from your mind right now. Granted, PUA (Pick Up Artist) sites and books are typically manipulative and somewhat sociopathic, dating advice books and websites are a goldmine of information that you NEED to check out. I felt the exact same way as you did, and I held tight until I was 32 years old and realized I was about 15 years behind the times.

All my friends know how to date, and did things in the books and websites. Why do you want to ignore the advice and information that is the answer? Are you trying to learn to ride a bike ... alone ... with your eyes closed ... and your hands in the air? "You're gonna have a bad time."

Here are some must read books:

This one turned my world upside down. It was hard to swallow at first, but he is a genius. Please take the time to read it. If you do, and try even 5% of the advice, you will be 5% better than every guy out there who tries nothing.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/attachment.php?s=f10601b34e3f24d3d3a978a08060b7ce&amp;amp;attachmentid=6412303&amp;amp;d=1385621786

This is a great book. I firmly believe in being honest with women, which is something you lack. This is a major flaw in your approach and personality. Essentially, when you do not make your intentions clear, you are a liar, a scumbag, a cheater. That is what is most detrimental to you as a person. You also have to learn to be honest with yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1426259631&amp;amp;sr=8-1

And the guy who helped me understand women:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove

Read his articles. Think about your past situations. See how they apply. I strongly recommend you buy his book, but check eBay for used copies first. The book is poorly written and organized, but it's the most brilliant advice on the planet. It's just so obvious.

&gt; I'm not so good at the flirty-type of conversation;

So get out and practice. What I did was to go to the local upscale mall, where all the women who were working were drop dead gorgeous, and I'd go into each store and tell them I was looking for a gift for my friend who is a girl - but NOT my GF. I'd then ask them what they suggested was cool. Then they would suggest something and I'd playfully laugh and say something like "No, really? Oh come on, is that the best idea you can come up with? Did I mention I actually LIKE my friend and don't want her to hate me? What else do you have?" I'd smile big, laugh, and generally make her try harder to impress me. In the end I would walk away and say I'd have to think about it. But practicing like this upped my game tremendously.

The most important thing to do is NOT say the first thing that comes to mind, but rather the SECOND or THIRD thing. That second thing sets you apart from all the other guys who say the same things.

&gt; my first relationship (which ended up being 2 years) happened when I was 18, and basically we talked online for a bunch of nights in a row, then I invited her over and we watched some Breaking Bad, and a second date later I asked her quote "Would you want to go out with me?" and that was that.

Yeah, but you were 18. Now you're 21. You're an adult. Women are adults. It's different now. You have to grow or you will be left far, far behind.

&gt; Thanks a ton again for talking with me, really appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Now, let me ask you this - what other woman have you seen around school who you find attractive? How are you going to ask her out?

Tip: First dates should always be on Sun-Thurs night. NO first dates on Fri or Sat nights. So, if you get a number (your goal), wait 4-5 days to call her, then offer a date on a weekday night.

u/youknowdamnright · 2 pointsr/climbing

This is a very important issue to me since I have a non-climbing wife who really doesnt even like hanging out in the woods of Kentucky very much either. She has gone on trips with me, but its not her favorite.

If your wife likes to join and hang out or whatever, you have a leg up. But lets assume she doesnt. The most important thing is to not let climbing become an issue of contention. That means, find a balance of time for you and time for her. If she is feeling loved, then she wont mind you being gone on occasional climbing trips.

I train at the gym 2-3 times a week and manage a decent amount of weekend trips and 1 or two longer trips, but less trips now that we have a kid.

Step 1 in making sure she is loved is to find out how she feels loved. Everyone shows and receives loves in different ways. I recommend The 5 love languages for your reading pleasure. warning: there is a very religious overtone to the book but I think the advice is solid even if you ignore that.

So, if you are showing your wife she is loved, climbing will not be an issue. My wife really likes notes ('words of affirmation' from the book) so if I leave her lots of little notes around the house while I'm gone it helps. One of my buddies is also married and his wife likes gifts. so he does a bunch of small gift cards for coffee, etc... and that keeps his wife happy. Doesnt have to be expensive, just a thoughtful token.

finally, My friends are always going on trips that I dont even bother asking to go on because I try to consciously maintain a balance. The selfish side of me wants to go on every trip but I know that it will become an issue if I do.

u/Fenzir · 8 pointsr/infj

I detest games in dating... but there are definite pitfalls to spilling it all off the bat. I've been in a casual relationship where we each went full transparency upon first meeting. It worked to an extent, but it also destroys any semblance of mystery. Part of dating is getting to know the other person and them getting to know you. Trust and love are built through experience and time together.

A month or two ago, someone posted something about discovering the INFJ strength in dating... which was being mysterious. I can't remember who, but it resonated with me. He said he'd been finding much more dating success by slowly revealing who he was and how he felt. Not so much manipulating as just not going full glom off the bat, if he likes someone.

Mark Manson's book, Models, makes some very good points and introduces some solid techniques for dating with authenticity, too. It's geared toward men, but I think much of the information is applicable to anyone. The first 15% of the book is pretty self-promotey, and there are some misogynistic generalizations here and there, but it was worth my time. Much of it is about building confidence just by being yourself and taking a zen - like approach of being grateful for any response to a declaration of interest. I'm into you! You're into me? Cool, let's see where it goes. Not into me? Cool, thanks for not letting me waste my time chasing you. I feel like it's a healthy version of playing it cool, without lying or repressing yourself.

u/xthorgoldx · 1 pointr/AskMen

Just because you're LD doesn't mean you can't do gift-giving! Something I loved to do for my SO from time to time would be to give her little gifts - something I know she'd appreciate or enjoy, just as a sign that I was thinking of her, like a cheap meme shirt from some in-joke we shared or the like.

During LD, it seems harder to give gifts, since mailing's involved, but seriously - just plug her address into your Amazon account, and send her something from time to time. One of life's underappreciated joys is the thrill of getting a package in the mail you weren't expecting that turns out to be a thoughtful gift.

---

It largely depends on how your SO receives/expresses love, though. Shameless plug for Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages," most of the ideas of which you can find with a google search, basically there are five "languages" in which your partner both expresses and wishes to receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift-giving. While any expression of love can be received well, when you're speaking their "language" it will be particularly impactful. If you want to do something really meaningful for your partner, figure out their language and cater to it. Do they express their love with words, and thrive on receiving words in return? Send a love letter they can look forward to. Quality time? Try a cyber-date, be it a Skype session or maybe a co-op game of Portal 2 (would recommend even if you're not gamers :P).

u/mynameisearlb · -4 pointsr/relationships

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

u/betona · 6 pointsr/Marriage

&gt;Telling him to be romantic just ruins the purpose..
&gt;it has to be spontaneous and natural and he has to use his initiative.

I understand why you think that way, and wouldn't it be nice for him to spontaneously do everything you like. However this is a factually incorrect response to human psychology.

Here's why: all of our brains process and respond to stimuli differently. Honest truth. There will be some things in life that are incredibly obvious to you, and yet he won't be aware of them at all. And vice-versa, and THAT can be one of the most powerful things in a marriage where each complements the other. You sense what he does not, he senses what you do not.

So the little romantic things you're dreaming of? I'm sorry, but his brain didn't serve them up as a response he should do. But that doesn't mean it's a fatal problem, it only means that this is something to tackle in your relationship. He's not a mind reader either, so yes, you literally need to tell him the things you like, while carefully listening to the things he likes. Not in a nagging way, but in a "we're better together" way.

To help you, there is a popular book titled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that points out which of the 5 each of us want. You appear to desire 'words of affirmation' while he might desire 'physical touch'. So here's some homework for both of you to get started: there is a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else a paper Downloadable PDF that both of you can do to learn what each of you craves. With that knowledge, he and you can begin to work to fulfill those needs for each other.

But yes, you really do need to tell him. If you're in this for the long haul, over time he'll get much better at it, eventually knowing you better than you know you.

u/balefrost · 2 pointsr/AskProgramming

Heh, sure.

A lot of people are fans of Code Complete. I tried reading it after being in industry for a decade, and I found it to be very dry and boring. The general consensus from people that I've talked to is that it's more useful when you're just starting out. Maybe I just came to it too late.

A better book (in my opinion) in that same vein is Clean Code. Clean code is shorter, more focused, and has better real-world examples. It feels less "complete" (hue hue) than Code Complete, but to me, that's a strength. As a quick point of comparison: Code Complete devotes 32 pages to the chapter on identifier naming; Clean Code devotes just 14.

I got a lot out of Design Patterns. I seem to recall that the pattern fad was in full swing back when I read this in 2005-ish. I think I had independently discovered some of the patterns already at that point, but this book helped me to codify those ideas and also showed me some new ones. Some of these patterns are now seen as antipatterns (I'm looking at you, Singleton!), and all of the patterns have an object-oriented bias. But there's still something useful in the pattern language, and this book is a reasonably comprehensive start. The book is somewhat dry, and some people report that Head First Design Patterns is a gentler and friendlier introduction. Head First Design Patterns hits the essential patterns, but misses a lot of the less popular ones.

Eventually, you'll need to work in a codebase with some technical debt. Maybe it's debt that somebody else put there, or maybe it's debt that you introduced. Working Effectively with Legacy Code is still my go-to recommendation. It defines technical debt as code that is not under test, it introduces the idea of "seams" that you can use to pry apart code that's too tightly coupled, and it then provides a cookbook of specific scenarios and reasonable approaches.

If you're looking for thought-provoking videos, I recommend anything by Rich Hickey. I don't know if I've watched all of those, but I remember good things about Hammock Driven Development and especially Simple Made Easy.

Get comfortable with a source control system. I didn't use source control in college, since it wasn't needed for any classes, and that was a missed opportunity. The whole world loves Git, so you'll probably want to learn it if you haven't already. But I'll also toss out a recommendation for Mercurial. I haven't used it in years, but I remember finding it to be quite good.

Good luck!

u/mattuff · 2 pointsr/learnmath

I study topology and I can give you some tips based on what I've done. If you want extra info please PM me. I'd love to help someone discover the beautiful field of topology. TLDR at bottom.

If you want to study topology or knot theory in the long term (actually knot theory is a pretty complicated application of topology), it would be a great idea to start reading higher math ASAP. Higher math generally refers to anything proof-based, which is pretty much everything you study in college. It's not that much harder than high school math and it's indescribably beneficial to try and get into it as soon as you possibly can. Essentially, your math education really begins when you start getting into higher math.

If you don't know how to do proofs yet, read How to Prove It. This is the best intro to higher math, and is not hard. Absolutely essential going forward. Ask for it for the holidays.

Once you know how to prove things, read 1 or 2 "intro to topology" books (there are hundreds). I read this one and it was pretty good, but most are pretty much the same. They'll go over definitions and basic theorems that give you a rough idea of how topological spaces (what topologists study) work.

After reading an intro book, move on to this book by Sutherland. It is relatively simple and doesn't require a whole lot of knowledge, but it is definitely rigorous and is definitely necessary before moving on.

After that, there are kind of two camps you could subscribe to. Currently there are two "main" topology books, referred to by their author's names: Hatcher and Munkres. Both are available online for free, but the Munkres pdf isn't legally authorized to be. Reading either of these will make you a topology god. Hatcher is all what's called algebraic topology (relating topology and abstract algebra), which is super necessary for further studies. However, Hatcher is hella hard and you can't read it unless you've really paid attention up to this point. Munkres isn't necessarily "easier" but it moves a lot slower. The first half of it is essentially a recap of Sutherland but much more in-depth. The second half is like Hatcher but less in-depth. Both books are outstanding and it all depends on your skill in specific areas of topology.

Once you've read Hatcher or Munkres, you shouldn't have much trouble going forward into any more specified subfield of topology (be it knot theory or whatever).

If you actually do end up studying topology, please save my username as a resource for when you feel stuck. It really helps to have someone advanced in the subject to talk about tough topics. Good luck going forward. My biggest advice whatsoever, regardless of what you study, is read How to Prove It ASAP!!!

TLDR: How to Prove It (!!!) -&gt; Mendelson -&gt; Sutherland -&gt; Hatcher or Munkres

u/TheDNote · 2 pointsr/amiugly

It's not about being deep it's about psychology and automatic responses, people become happy when they see or hear happy people and it gives you an advantage.

So a kinda good example of this is canned or fake laughter in comedy shows, the audience tends to hate it and to be honest I don't think i know anyone who even likes it. But comedy shows put it in anyway, why? because it makes jokes funnier especially bad jokes, and if people think a show is funny they watch it more. I would give you evidence for this but i can't find it right now sorry. But it was brought to my attention via this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-B-PhD-Cialdini/006124189X

(the audiobook is quite good too)

Often people find it easy to fake happy smiles, but the eyes require much more work and happy eyes are the key, in my opinion, to having a happy looking face. I try to think of something that makes me happy (my first kiss, maybe a good thing that's happened recently etc.) and that tends to take care of my eyes.

As in more defined vs more chubby but happy it depends, in a social situation more happy is better and in a situation where they can see by your body that you aren't fat then happy is better too. Only face close ups are when I'd think about maybe avoiding the round faced "issue". It's something you'll have to check in the mirror to see for yourself.

u/josephsmidt · -1 pointsr/mormondebate

Physicist here so don't pretend I don't know what science is. (Though like the ancient Pythagoreans I'm sure as soon as I discuss something that has been proven that goes against a purely scientific worldview out comes the pitchforks.) And though I love science, unlike some people here I am willing to admit to the limits of science. Science can lead to all truth in the same way that rational numbers define all numbers: it can't! and Godel proved it.

The real problem with science is that it has been mathematically proven by Godel that there are more things that are true then are provable and thus you can't ever have a scientific theory that can determine the truth or falsity of all things. As soon as you write down that theory, assuming it allows for arithmetic, Godel's incompleteness theorem immediately shows if the theory is true there will be true statements about reality that are beyond provability. Read Godel Esher Bach or Incompleteness or work through it yourself in this textbook as I have.

So like I said above, science is great in it's sphere (and in that sphere let me emphasize it is awesome!) but leads to all truth in the same way that rational numbers leads to all numbers. (And the analogy is precise since Godel used the famous diagonizational argument in his proof.) Russell and Whitehead set out to show in the early 1900s that if we could determine the axioms of reality then through logic work out everything that was true and Godel spoiled the party.

It it would be one thing if these truths were trivial things, but they are not. Some examples of true or false statements that may fall into this category of being unprovable are:

  • Goldbach's conjecture and an uncountable number of mathematical theorems (by the diagonalization argument) for that matter.. (Search the pdf for Goldbach)

  • Issues related to the halting problem in computer science.

  • Issues related to recursive logic and artificial intelligence.

  • And again, this list goes on uncountably.

    Now, at this point critics almost always tell me: but Joe, Godel's incompleteness theorem is only relative to your set of logic. (Ie... we can prove Goldbach by just adding axioms needed to do so.) Fine. But two things: (first) adding axioms to prove what you want willy nilly is not good science. (Two) You now have a new set of axioms and by Godel's theorem there is now a new uncountable set of things that are true (and non-trivial things like I listed) that are beyond proof.

    Now usually comes the second critique: But Joe, this doesn't prove God exists. And this is true. But at least it has been proven God gives you a chance. It has been proven that an oracle machine is free from the problems that hold science and logic back from proving the truth of all things. At least something like God gives you a chance (whereas science falls short).

    Or, like Elder Maxwell says so well: it may only be by the "lens of faith" that we can ever know the truth of all things. He maybe be right, and hence the importance to learn by study, and also by faith...
u/_angel · 1 pointr/Meditation

You have to be above the bar to begin with. If you can understand exactly what intelligence is then you can increase it.

Meditation can be used as a way to gain insight. This is not all types of meditation, but there are definitely types of meditation with the goal of enlightenment in mind. Using the Buddhist definition of enlightenment and overly simplified explanation is insight, specifically the type of lower level type of insight that not everyone can get to and for the most part needs to be unlocked. Once it is unlocked, how one utilizes it can be a large intelligence booster, but you have to be able to comprehend how your mind works. If you can't fully recognize a lot of advanced and abstract concepts then knowledge gain is possible but hardly any intelligence gain.

Using the example you mention, math is utilized on the other part of the brain in such a way that you can multitask while solving advanced math problems. A way this can be figured out is solving math problems in your sleep. It is like a piece of your brain is a math coprocessor and it can chug along while you are talking to someone, reading writing, sleeping, or generally not paying attention to it, much like cooking something in the oven.

It depends what you want to learn. The most direct path is raw insight. For advanced logic, paradoxes, and other mathy nerdy stuff you might want to checkout GEB. Meditation doesn't skip the learning step. You still have to learn things the same way everyone else does. Meditation just helps you realize you can utilize your brain to a more full potential.

If you are really interested and think you can can push forward, I highly recommend you try a 300µg+ dose of lsd. Tripping is the same thing as a deep meditation state, but it doesn't stay. It is like driving a car over the mountain instead of walking. In a deep state under the influence you can do all of the more insightful things one can do in a deep meditative headspace. However, figuring it out could take multiple trips as sometimes insight will take 6 hours to come full circle. When meditating in a deep headspace the answer can come much quicker.

The idea is if you can figure it out while tripping, then you can remember what you've learned and migrate it into meditative practices, as it can literally take a life time to get to the level of meditation skill as one night of dropping acid will bring you to.

It is definitely possible. If you don't ask very specific detailed questions about how your brain works, I will not be able to explain in detail, and without asking yourself you can't move towards figuring things out either.

An efficient way to get to a deep headspace from meditation is a map, so you have an idea of which direction to go in. This tends to be pretty good.

u/Tall_for_a_Jockey · 2 pointsr/sexadvice

You are much more normal than you think, and your problem--no matter how embarassing--is quite common. Here is a story to illustrate what I'm talking about. If you don't have time to read the whole story, here is a good quote from it:

&gt;To be blunt, it fucking sucks that everyone seems to be having sex but me. The idea that so many people just don’t care about it–and yet nobody seems to want to do it with me–that really hurts. As a general idea, I think it’s fine. I don’t see any moral problem with it. I think if I could, I’d have casual sex as much as possible. I think people need to loosen up about judging others’ sexual habits.

OK, well...a few things. Most men struggle a great deal finding a partner willing to have sex with them. I am married (and very lucky in this respect), but I have a few male friends in their late thirties who are single. One of them last had sex two years ago. The other, as far as I know, hasn't found anyone who will sleep with him since he broke up with his girlfriend over three years ago. Guys who are tall, good-looking, charming, or in the vicinty of women who aren't picky may well have as much sex as you think they are having. But they probably aren't.
So I want to give you two pieces of advice. The first is that you will have sex by pursuing the kinds of relationships that lead to sex. That sounds self-evident, but ask yourself if you are doing that in earnest. If you are pursuing a woman who has made it clear that she isn't interested in physical intimacy, for example, then acknowledge this and set your sights elsewhere. Don't be afraid to commicate sexual intetest, either. Here is an excellent dating advice book that tells you how to do this.
Second, just because you are unable to find a willing parnter at the moment, that does not mean that you cannot have sexual feelings or act on them. It's a bit of an open secret, but the platform I am using to communicate to ypu right now is one of the best places to find amateur pornography online. If you are not opposed to using pornography, then I encourage you to take advantage of this fact. Learning how to soothe yourself sexually in the absence of a parnter is one of the most important skills you need to develop to make it as a guy today, so please consider this advice and confront any feelings of guilt or shame that it might inspire.
Lastly, be patient with yourself. Set goals that aren't simply experiencing sex and work toward them. Enjoy yourself as you do. You are wired for pleasure, as well as disappointment. Which one you experience more of, believe it or not, has much more to do with the decisions that you make more than the judgments that other people make about you. Best of luck. I know this sounds trite, but have fun. I'm saying it because I mean it.

u/selfishstars · 2 pointsr/relationships

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

  • be mindful of her feelings
  • be completely honest with her
  • practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  • not develop feelings for someone else and leave her

    You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.

    You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.

    There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.

    And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?

    Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.

    Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.

    In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.

    However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:

  1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
  2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
  3. Work on your communication with each other.
  4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
  5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.

    Recommended reading:

    The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships &amp; Other Adventures (book)

    Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)

    morethantwo.com (website)

    (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).
u/growthup · 3 pointsr/funny

Here is what I recommend currently:

For beginners:

Free: https://www.coursera.org/courses?languages=en&amp;amp;query=digital+marketing

Paid: https://www.udacity.com/course/digital-marketing-nanodegree--nd018#

(You can get it free if you take the courses with out the degree)

Foundations To Advanced Topics:

Paid: http://neilpatel.com/advanced-marketing-program/

(Neil Patel is one of the few Internet Marketers I would trust. He has successful businesses and is fairly transparent)



Books that can help you with marketing:


Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
- Once you read this book you will see the techniques used everywhere in marketing. Once you understand the techniques you can apply them yourself.

The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller - Everyone talks about copywriting, but IMO most copy is written way to salsy and is obvious. I have had much better results using stories to sell and most of my sales pages use story telling techniques to bring the reader on a journey.

The Copywriters Handbook - That said, you should still understand the point of copy and this book does a good job. Once you know the fundamentals of copywriting you can sell almost anything.

What to avoid:

Avoid any courses that are selling Techniques or formulas (I.E: My Super Awesome Snapchat Method that brought in $5000") while most have useful information the issue is simple:

Formulas/Templates/Tactics will only get you so far and won't always work. Yes, some methods have been proven to work time and time again, but you are still better off learning the fundamentals of marketing and sales over reusing tactics and templates.

By learning the fundamentals you will be able to rapidly test and try new things to see what works and doesn't. This will give you more flexibility and success in the long wrong.

Most people sell courses around tactics because most customers want a lazy way to make money. Do they work? yes and no. There is no real answer - these tactics may work for you or not as there are a lot of things to factor in.

When buying a course check out the instructor. A lot of Internet Marketers only had 1 success before selling courses on the subject. If someone claims to be an awesome marketer and doesn't have more than 1 success as proof, something is wrong and most likely that success was a fluke.

Most trustworthy marketers normally will have a long track record of successes or at the very least have well known clients (Google/Facebook/Coke/etc).

TL;DR: Avoid tactics/templates/Formulas and learn the fundamentals of marketing.

u/_sarcasm_orgasm · 21 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

u/DotComCTO · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Hey u/whatToDoNextWife, I really hope you see this post. I wanted to say that I get where you're coming from. There's a whole bunch of emotions to unpack, so let me try to help you break it down a tiny bit, and then I can provide some recommendations on how to proceed.

You need to realize that your wife probably has a ton of stresses going on. For example, you mention two pregnancies, which I presume means two children. Caring for them probably adds a lot to her daily stress. I don't know if she works outside of home, but if so, add that on, too. Not sure how the two of you split the workload at home, but tack that on as well. Now add on that she has a negative self-image - you can thank the media for that. Also add on that she's aware that you want to have a physical relationship, but she's feeling overwhelmed, and now she gets to feel guilty for not being able to please you sexually.

Now, understand that all people have "accelerators" and "brakes". So, when the accelerators are activated, and the brakes are released, desire is able to build. When the brakes are being activated, it's quite the opposite. Now, what do you think all these stresses and negative body image feels do for a person? Do you think they activate the accelerator, or do they activate the brakes. The answer is that the vast majority of people, it hits the brakes hard. Do you think a person with the brakes on is going to want to have sex?

The good news is that this is completely normal! More good news is that these issues can be solved if both partners are committed to solving them.

I suggest that you have a calm, and quiet talk with your wife about what you're feeling. However, I would take a different approach. I would tell her that you really miss the physical intimacy, from hugs, kisses, and kind words all the way to sex, in all its forms. I would explain that you understand how stressed she must be feeling, and that you don't want to add to her stress. I think I'd tell her that you're partners in all of this, and that you'll be with her through thick and thin...for better or for worse, right? You want to be there to ease her stresses, and help ease her burdens. Then see how she feels. See what she has to say.

Now, I really strongly recommend that both of you read, "Come as You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski. You'll learn a million things about your wife, and what she's going through. You'll also learn how to understand, and address the issues you're describing! It's a fantastic read, and it moves pretty quickly. All of the information is based on decades of scientific research, and Dr. Nagoski presents it in a super approachable and relatable way. As you both read that book, you'll learn about what's going on, as well as strategies for how to move forward.

If at some point, you decide you both would like to speak with a sex therapist, check out the following site for qualified referrals: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

Best of luck to you both! Don't forget that calm, reassuring, and gentle communication is critically important!!

u/ColdIceZero · 3 pointsr/TheRedPill

Much of my research has been focused on men who grew up under an emotionally abusive, narcissistic female parent ("Nparent"). Boys with high levels of intelligence who grow up under these conditions develop defense mechanisms to avoid the irrational, and often unpredictable, wrath of their Nparent.

One of these defense mechanisms is a highly developed sense of empathy, or in other words "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others." Children from abusive homes often develop higher-than-normal levels of awareness for other people's emotions as a survival response; because while growing up, a child's well-being was determined by the emotional state of the Nparent, whose mood and behavior could radically and unpredictably shift without warning or provocation. So, these children learn how to observe their Nparent and be aware of their every-changing emotional state at all times.

There are a couple consequences of this. First, many of these children learn how to interact with other people in a disarming way. These sort of children do very well in professional sales environments because they have an advanced ability to "read" people.

Which leads me to a second consequence: primarily being in a state of reaction to other people's actions. If life were a game of chess, you would be black, always reacting to white's first move. Again, as a defense mechanism, children in abusive homes learn strategies to disarm or satisfy their Nparent. Since the Nparent is always on the offensive and the child is always on defense, everything the child is trained to do is counter, repel, or otherwise disarm the actions of others. And these children can become very well adept at developing strategies to anticipate the needs of others.

So while the bulk of these boys' training is as a reaction to the wants and needs of others, these boys are not taught how to be in charge, how to identify and exert their own wants and needs in a relationship in a healthy way. In every relationship, there is a leader and there is a follower. Your relationship training growing up has always been to be reactionary, to be a damn good follower because your survival depended on it.

Now, you are dating, and women are looking for a leader in the relationship. The problem is that you don't have any training on how to be a leader in relationships. Like a fish in water, your whole world growing up has been focused on being the best survivor you can be, and that has meant being the best listener, the best reactor, the best follower you can be because you never knew what it meant to be in control.

Shifting gears into being on the opposite side of that fence, by being the person whose Will is exerted instead of being the person upon whom someone else's Will is exerted, is difficult. It's like riding a bike for the first time: no matter how many books you read on riding a bike, you're still going to fall the first few times. Becoming comfortable as a leader in a relationship is learning experience. It takes time to explore what that means for you and what that means to the women who follow you.

Diving deeper, if you grew up in this sort of environment, you know what it means to be taken advantage of; you've seen what it means for a person to manipulate some unsuspecting individual into fulfilling the manipulator's desires. Like a used-car salesman, you may view the whole experience of "using your magic" to get other people to do what you want as coercive, as something negative. You feel bad because maybe you feel like you're taking advantage of these women; and knowing how badly it sucks to be taken advantage of, you feel uncomfortable escalating things because of it. You haven't necessarily been so accommodating to others because you wanted to, you've done it as a means of survival, because you've had to in order to avoid punishment. You can't fathom or haven't considered the reality that there are people out there who genuinely desire to support others, not out of a sense of avoiding pain but because they truly feel a desire to support the fulfillment of someone else's Will.

If any of this applies to you, then here's my advice: first, recognize that you've been playing the part of the follower in relationships. Your approach has been reactionary, to anticipate the needs of others in order to satisfy those needs, as you feel a good partner should. The problem with this approach is that it requires the other person to have definitive needs. If they don't have needs that can be defined, then you won't know what to do; and nothing you do will satisfy them.

This might explain some issues you've had with LTRs in the past. There's the ongoing joke that if you ask a woman "what would you like to have for dinner?," her response is ____. You already know the stereotypical response (it's "I don't know", if you didn't already guess). While publicly men will lament about female indecisiveness, TRP explains that women aren't interested in making the decision about dinner because they've already made the only decision that matters: they chose you. Now, it's your job to decide what's for dinner; it's your responsibility to figure out what you both are doing tonight; she depends on you to take the lead. And since she's waiting for you to exert your Will, she often doesn't have definitive wants to satisfy. This may very well be the reason why you kept expecting insight from previous LTRs on what you should be doing for them, all the while they were becoming frustrated with you because you were not exhibiting the very same indicators that you sought from her.

Second, you need to learn how to be a leader in relationships, learn how to be in control. There are strong, positive leaders and there are shitty, negative leaders. Realize that exerting your Will in a relationship is not inherently bad thing. There are ways to do it positively. Women seek this strong leadership in relationships with a man. Just like you presently react to someone else to satisfy their needs, women desire to do that exact thing for you. So if you're not exerting your Will in a relationship, then your relationship with her will invariably fall apart.

So get over feeling bad about exerting your Will. Realize that a huge percentage of women desire to support the Will of a strong man. This desire is so ingrained that a surprising quantity of women admit to sexually fantasizing about being raped. This psychology tells us that even under what we might consider to be the most severe of circumstances (being raped), a situation that you would overwhelmingly consider to be "bad," many women still generally sexually fantasize about being "taken" and satisfying a man's Will by his force. By being a man who exerts his Will, you are quite actually giving women what they truly seek: a man who knows what he wants and ACTS on it. So in your chess game with women, be the white piece and make the first move; let them react to you, your desires, your Will. They want you to take charge, and you're hurting yourself and disappointing them when you don't.

Final thoughts, pick up copies of these two books: (1) "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and (2) "Models" by Mark Manson. First read No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/balloonanimalfarm · 2 pointsr/AskProgramming

&gt; However, something pulled me away from Marketing, and I decided to try and go the tech route. I took two basic programming courses (Java/C++ &amp; SQL) at school however because of lack of time did not do a minor/major.

From this I would suggest data science, but it looks like you're already into that. If you like programming, maybe find a marketing position that needs some programming rather than going for a full-on programming position. That way you can ease yourself in.

&gt; I consider myself pretty creative, and I think about things deeply/logically

That's great!

&gt; however even when I programmed I never felt like a smart/clever programmer, more so watching what others do and replicating.

Don't worry about that too much. Programming is a trade--a very sophisticated and exacting one, but it's still a trade. There is no silver bullet to gaining great programming skill. You need to make 10,000 mistakes to be a master.

I've been programming for ten years now, others have told me I'm clever or a good programmer so I suspect it's more or less true. All of my clever tricks, good ideas and ability to make difficult things simple come from others. When I see something I like, I remember it. When I build something later I can pull out my bag of tricks and build elegant solutions to complex problems. Study other people's code and learn from it. Try to figure out why they chose to make every decision they did; every line tells a story.

If you want a good place to start with that, look at the JavaScript source files for 2048 (ignore the ones that end with polyfill). It's one of the most beautiful pieces of code I've seen.

To quote this

&gt; Every programmer occasionally, when nobody's home, turns off the lights, pours a glass of scotch, puts on some light German electronica, and opens up a file on their computer. It's a different file for every programmer. Sometimes they wrote it, sometimes they found it and knew they had to save it. They read over the lines, and weep at their beauty, then the tears turn bitter as they remember the rest of the files and the inevitable collapse of all that is good and true in the world.


&gt; I did receive a Data Science internship, as I knew the answers to basic programming questions and was able to think through a problem logically. However, today I had a technical interview where I had to join a chatroom and write pieces of code for the person. I struggled with 2 out of the 3 problems and they were fairly simple-- a little embarrassing.

These types of things are designed to trip you up and separate the people who can't program at all with those that can. The link is short and worth a read. If you want to practice read Cracking The Coding Interview by Gayle McDowell.

&gt; So now I am really doubting going to programming track as maybe I am not 'talented'/capable of really performing that type of thinking, especially for an entire summer &amp; career. Any advice or tips is greatly appreciated!

Impostor Syndrome runs high in CS. There's too much to keep up on and it's impossible to know it all. In a way, we're all constantly beginners. Learn as you go and don't be afraid to ask questions, nobody knows everything.

u/c_d_u_b · 10 pointsr/AskHistorians

Computer scientist here... I'm not a "real" mathematician but I do have a good bit of education and practical experience with some specific fields of like probability, information theory, statistics, logic, combinatorics, and set theory. The vast majority of mathematics, though, I'm only interested in as a hobby. I've never gone much beyond calculus in the standard track of math education, so I to enjoy reading "layman's terms" material about math. Here's some stuff I've enjoyed.

Fermat's Enigma This book covers the history of a famous problem that looks very simple, yet it took several hundred years to resolve. In so doing it gives layman's terms overviews of many mathematical concepts in a manner very similar to jfredett here. It's very readable, and for me at least, it also made the study of mathematics feel even more like an exciting search for beautiful, profound truth.

Logicomix: An Epic Search for Truth I've been told this book contains some inaccuracies, but I'm including it because I think it's such a cool idea. It's a graphic novelization (seriously, a graphic novel about a logician) of the life of Bertrand Russell, who was deeply involved in some of the last great ideas before Godel's Incompleteness Theorem came along and changed everything. This isn't as much about the math as it is about the people, but I still found it enjoyable when I read it a few years ago, and it helped spark my own interest in mathematics.

Lots of people also love Godel Escher Bach. I haven't read it yet so I can't really comment on it, but it seems to be a common element of everybody's favorite books about math.

u/_meddlin_ · 3 pointsr/cscareerquestions

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

  • Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  • Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  • Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages

    Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.

  • If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  • If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  • If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  • If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.



    My anecdotal backing:

  • The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  • At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  • At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -&gt; work didn't seem to matter -&gt; thoughts of "I don't matter".
u/fireballs619 · 7 pointsr/books

This is going to seem like a really strange choice, but it's coming from another 16 year old. I recommend Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman, as it is one of my absolute favorite books. It may only appeal to him if he likes science or engineering, but it's worth a shot regardless.

In a similar vein to the Chronicles of Narnia, may I recommend The Hobbit/ The Lord of the Rings? Both are great stories that he may like. Although they are not the best written books in terms of writing quality (in my opinion), the Inheritence Cycle by Christopher Paolini might appeal for entertainment value. Perhaps a lesser known author that I greatly enjoy is Megan Whalen Turner, author of The Thief, The Queen of Attolia, and The King of Attolia. I just became aware of this book and have thus never read it, but A Conspiracy of Kings by the same author is bound to be good.

Steering away from fantasy, he may also like science fiction. I recommend any Ray Bradbury. Most of his stories are short, so for someone who doesn't read often they are great. My favorite are the Martian Chronicles, but R is for Rocket is also a good compilation. All of the Artemis Fowl series are recommended as well.

If I think of any more, I will certainly edit this post.

u/MJtheProphet · 4 pointsr/atheism

There's a lot to answer in this simple question. Here's something I've written before that might help, as it gets to the roots of the Abrahamic religions.
_
Which Bible are you reading? If its one of the millions of Bibles in the US, then its likely an English translation, and it isn't actually describing the god worshiped by Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. For that, we have to go back to the Canaanite religion, which we've learned about from clay tablets found at the Ras Shamra site. The Canaanites were polytheists who worshiped a great number of gods. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob were primarily followers of El Shaddai, "God of the Mountains", another name for El Elyon, or "God Most High". El Elyon appears to Abraham in human form at one point. Jacob is described as asking El Elyon to become his elohim, or primary god, in order that he might receive special protection. He also climbs a ladder to heaven and speaks with El Elyon in person, and later even wrestles with El Elyon.

Its also not the god of Moses. Moses was a follower of Yahweh, the war god of the ancient Israelites. Yahweh wasn't a Canaanite god, but he also wasn't a monotheistic god. In the (likely mythical) story of Exodus, the Israelites even note after gaining their freedom "Who among the gods
is like you, Yahweh?
Who is like you—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?." (Exodus 15:11) It helps the verses make more sense to get the full context; upon reaching the promised land, the Israelites stray and worship other gods. That seems silly in today's version; why worship Baal or Asherah when you know that there is only THE LORD? But when you realize that Yahweh was just the war god, as Ares was to the Greeks, it makes more sense. Once you're no longer in a time of trouble, why not worship Baal (god of fertility and storms) or Asherah (the mother goddess) instead of Yahweh (god of the armies)? And its a lot more obvious why the Old Testament god was so obsessed with blood and death; he was the war god, like Ares.

Yahweh didn't become the primary god of Israel until the reign of King Josaih, a strict Yahwist, in about 640 BCE. This was the period of the Deuteronomic reforms; it was at this time that the book of Deuteronomy was "found" in the temple, supposedly a new book of law written by Moses that placed Yahweh above all other gods. However, its rather convenient timing and the linguistic signature indicate that it was actually a forgery, created for political expediency. Even here, though, there is still evidence of polytheism, in the Ten Commandments themselves. "6 I am Yahweh your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 7 You shall have no other gods before me." (Deuteronomy 5:6-7)

Only in about 600 BCE, when the Israelites were exiled into Babylon, did the monotheistic god appear. An author known as Second Isaiah had his words appended on to the original Isaiah, the book of Leviticus was authored, and the history of Israel was rewritten to say that El Elyon and Yahweh were the same god, and that this god was the only god. The other books extant at the time were rewritten to make it look like there had only ever been one god of Israel. So despite the story saying that this god has always existed, he only appears in the archaeological record 2600 years ago.

A very different picture appears when you know where all the stories came from, and put them in their proper historical context. The Old Testament just screams polytheism, even through the multiple rewrites and translations. I recommend A History of God by Karen Armstrong for more details. Or, you can find a good summary on YouTube from Evid3nc3.

_


You can find obvious parallels to the biblical creation story in the Enuma Elish, the Babylonian creation myth. It probably dates back to the 18th to 16th centuries BCE. The myths of the ancient Near East have their oldest expressions in the Mesopotamian and Egyptian beliefs, which date back to around 2500 BCE. So there were about 2000 years of religious traditions before the monotheistic god appeared.

Christianity first showed up around 51 CE, with its earliest known writings being the Pauline Epistles. You might note that this is 20 years after the supposed events related in the Gospels, and that Paul didn't say when Jesus had lived; we have no writings that mention Jesus that were authored during his supposed lifetime, or by anyone who ever claims to have met him during his life. This is rather suspicious, considering he was supposed to be perhaps the most famous person around at the time, based on the Gospel accounts.

I'm not as well versed in Islamic history, but the basic facts are these. Muhammad, who is considered by Muslims to be the final messenger of god's word, lived from around 570 – June 8, 632 CE. He began receiving visions that he thought were from god in 610 CE, and wrote them down as the Quran. He then transitioned from trader to religious, political, and military leader, and began the history of conquest that Islam is known for.

u/throwaway1212away · 4 pointsr/sex

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

u/Eurchus · 12 pointsr/compsci

I double majored in math and CS as an undergrad and I enjoyed math more than CS. I'm a graduate student right now planning on doing research in a mathy area of CS. Everything I write below comes from that perspective.

  • In my experience Wikipedia has some pretty good math articles. Many articles do a decent job of explaining the intuition behind of various concepts, not just the formalism.

  • Math.StackExchange.com is similar to stackoverflow and I've found it to be quite helpful on occasion. Example of a question with some great answers

  • /r/math is pretty active and has a very knowledgeable user base.

  • One of the best known living mathematicians is Terrence Tao. He has a math blog but you might not have the background necessary to understand much of the material; I would guess that you need knowledge covering at least the standard undergraduate math major coursework to understand many of the posts.

    But if you're interested in really digging in and understanding some math at an advanced undergraduate level (analysis, abstract algebra, topology, etc.) then I don't think there is any substitute for books.

  • A personal favorite is The Princeton Companion to Math. It has expository articles that provide high level overviews of different branches of math, important theorems, biographies of mathematicians, articles about the historical development of math, and more. It has some top notch contributors and was designed to be approachable by anyone with a good knowledge of calculus. This would be a great place to get a sense of the areas of study in math. I bought this book right after it came out after graduating high school and have loved it ever since. Everyone with a love of math should own this book.

  • How to Prove It does a great job of introducing proofs and set theory which are both fundamental to higher math.

  • Dover is a well loved publisher among math folks because they offer extremely cheap books on math that are of fairly high quality if a little old. You can find textbooks on any topic in the undergraduate math curriculum for less than $20 from Dover.
u/NotFreeAdvice · 1 pointr/atheism

I am not totally sure what you are asking for actually exists in book form...which is odd, now that I think about it.

If it were me, I would think about magazines instead. And if you really want to push him, think about the following options:

  1. Science News, which is very similar to the front-matter of the leading scientific journal Science. This includes news from the past month, and some in-depth articles. It is much better written -- and written at a much higher level -- than Scientific American or Discover. For a very intelligent (and science-interested) high school student, this should pose little difficulty.
  2. The actual journal Science. This is weekly, which is nice. In addition to the news sections, this also includes editorials and actual science papers. While many of the actual papers will be beyond your son, he can still see what passes for presentation of data in the sciences, and that is cool.
  3. The actual journal Nature. This is also weekly, and is the british version of the journal Science. In my opinion, the news section is better written than Science, which is important as this is where your kid's reading will be mostly done. IN addition, Nature always has sections on careers and education, so that your son will be exposed to the more human elements of science. Finally, the end of nature always has a 1-page sci-fi story, and that is fun as well.
  4. If you must, you could try Scientific American or Discover, but if you really want to give your kid a cool gift, that is a challenge, go for one of the top three here. I would highly recommend Nature.

    If you insist on books...

    I see you already mentioned A Brief History of the Universe, which is an excellent book. However, I am not sure if you are going to get something that is more "in depth." Much of the "in depth" stuff is going to be pretty pop, without the rigorous foundation that are usually found in textbooks.

    If I had to recommend some books, here is what I would say:

  5. The selfish gene is one of the best "rigorous" pop-science books out there. Dawkins doesn't really go into the math, but other than that he doesn't shy away from the implications of the work.
  6. Darwin's Dangerous Idea by Dennett is a great book. While not strictly science, per se, it does outline good philosophical foundations for evolution. It is a dense read, but good.
  7. On the more mathematical side, you might try Godel, Escher, Bach, which is a book that explores the ramifications of recrusiveness and is an excellent (if dense) read.
  8. You could also consider books on the history of science -- which elucidate the importance of politics and people in the sciences. I would recommend any of the following: The Double Helix, A man on the moon, The making of the atomic bomb, Prometheans in the lab, The alchemy of air, or A most damnable invention. There are many others, but these came to mind first.

    Hope that helps! OH AND GO WITH THE SUBSCRIPTION TO NATURE

    edit: added the linksssss
u/invictus08 · 2 pointsr/flask

First of all, applause for the great start.

Here are some criticisms/suggestions I would like to offer. Keep in mind, I am not assuming your level/experience as a software developer:

  1. Functions with smaller size. You see, most of the functions that you have written is lengthy because of the sql statements. Here comes my second point.

  2. Separate business logic, application code, data storage related stuff etc. Keep things modular. That separation is important because you want things to be maintainable and reusable. Your code should be open for extension, but close for modification. If that does not make sense to you, that's perfectly fine, just start from this

  3. On that note, since you are using flask, might I suggest using flask-sqlalchemy instead of sqlalchemy? You may like it better. I know you have mentioned

    &gt; I force myself to write raw SQL Request to get better with SQL

    while that is commendable, it is not really a good idea to write raw sqls in production code if there are ORM library alternatives available. Remember, it's not always you that is going to read/modify the code. While ORM syntax will be fairly universal, your style of writing SQL may vary starkly from other people - which is what creates confusion and lets errors sneak in. Even if you want to do that, maybe keep the raw sql in separate modules (point 2).

  4. Instead of computing everything and then sending the result along with the page, maybe create api endpoints for specific sections; render page with bare minimum info and from the webpage make multiple calls to update the page sections when required. This way, it will be far more responsive, user will not be waiting for you to finish all the computation and if you detect any change in any section of the page, you can just update that particular section with an appropriate api call, thereby avoiding a whole page reload. Design choices.

  5. PEP8. You don't have to blindly follow every rule - just make sure you understand why those rules are there, and that if you are breaking any, you know that it is absolutely necessary for accomplishing what you want. Again, what you want may not always be what you actually need - so be really careful.

  6. This is something I wish I knew earlier - Design Patterns. Without going into much details, I would recommend reading these books to start with and really understand instead of memorizing:
  7. Documentation is also important. Follow the good practices there. A remarkable reference would be Ken Reitz's Requests library.

    Finally, remember that all these are just suggestions, and you may already know them. You will decide which ones to take and which ones to leave behind based on your situation.

    Again, great job (I also learnt something from this). Just make sure you keep running.
u/Celt1977 · 11 pointsr/Alt_Hapa

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

u/veryreasonable · 35 pointsr/RationalPsychonaut

As one of the people who commented on that thread, I feel the need to respond to this as rationally as humanly possible.

For starters, let's clear up the difference between fractal mathematics, fractal woo, and what Douglas Hofstadter might call fractal analogy.

  1. From the wiki - Fractal Mathematics would be the study of "natural phenomena or a mathematical sets that exhibits repeating patterns that display at every scale" as well as the study of self similarity and iterated functions. While it has grown complex and vast, the studies of fractals and their geometry started out as literally what you say it isn't: people asking questions about self-similarity in nature and asking how to describe it mathematically.

  2. Fractal Woo would be, as OP said:

    &gt;“Everything big is just like everything small!” they exclaim, “the universe is self-similar!”

    ...and then using such logic to thereby justify whatever silly energy-Reiki-mystical-connectedness-telepathy-de-jour they want.

  3. Fractal Analogy (my term, but run with it) would be seeing patterns in the world which are, indeed, self similar, as tons of stuff in nature is. This includes plant and animal system, as well as consciousness and human experience. The reason I mention Douglas Hofstadter is that he is a PhD physicist who literally used fractal mathematics to predict some pretty nifty real world stuff 35 years before it was confirmed - but Mr. Hofstadter is also an incredibly enjoyable author who muses at length about cognitive science and AI research, often using the analogy of self-similar shapes to help describe what we understand of consciousness in a way that most layman readers can understand. Even if you are not a very capable mathematician, I highly recommend his Godel Escher Bach, which uses fractals and loads of other creative stuff to help conceptualize how the "mind" arises from the brain.

    As well, Chaos Theory - the study of how immensely complex patterns emerge from seemingly simple preconditions - is full of fractal mathematics. Given that the universe is absolutely packed with iterated functions and self-similarity almost everywhere we look, I think you can absolutely take the point of view that the universe is fractal in nature, especially when you are in a self-induced state where your brain makes a lot of connections you might normally overlook or not even bother to think about.

    My point is that discussing things in the universe as self-similar is useful to mathematicians and non-mathematicians alike; using the word "fractal" to describe natural systems that exhibit those familiar patterns might not be perfectly correct, but it's not itself offensive or an affront to reasonable discourse. I manage a business; so what's your problem if I visualize the structure of my company as a fern leaf with departments and employees as branches off the main stem? What would be the issues of discussing how incredible human cellular morphology really is with my biologist roommate, and citing some cool research someone decided to do about fractal geometry in the way our bodies build themselves?

    EDIT: OP's edit makes it more clear his statements were more about irrational folk seeing the universe as a single continuous fractal (that would be the "fractal woo"), and that he is not denying the existence of fractal-like patterns in nature, or that using fractal models can be useful in understanding phenomena. Sorry for any confusion and thanks for the discussion!

    EDIT2: /u/ombortron commented pretty well in regards to the utility of the concept of fractals in scientific discourse and otherwise:

    &gt;The universe itself doesn't have to be a fractal for fractals to be important.

    &gt;Fractals are quite common in our reality, and as a result, that means they are an important facet of reality, and as such they are a legitimate and common topic of discussion amongst people, and this is particularly true of people who do psychedelics.

    &gt;Does this mean the universe is 100% fractal in nature? No.

u/exmodo · 2 pointsr/exmormon

I am glad you had a good first session. Therapy can be very hard on both parties. Thanks for letting us know how it went.

I first want to say that I agree that you should listen to what your wife is asking and do the tasks agreed upon in therapy, but the situation made me think of a book my wife and I read through our counseling period. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It basically goes through different personality types and how best to make them feel loved. I don't agree with everything in the book, but with everyone telling you to do more around the house, I figured I would say that maybe that will do nothing. Service oriented work for my benefit does nothing for me personally, the same goes for my wife. It doesn't matter if she cooked dinner or cleaned the bathroom because I would do it if it needs doing. Delivering service to the other is fulfilling to both of us, which is why I am happy to do any given chore. Giving her gifts (flowers or chocolates) does more for her than any chore would ever do. For what its worth, I would suggest to do what is agreed upon in therapy, and try to figure out if the "help around the house" answer was sincere or if there is another way to help her feel loved that would be more effective.

Edit: After reading my post, I realized that I am acting my male instincts - giving advice to fix a problem rather than just listening...

u/ThatGIANTcottoncandy · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

These sections jumped out at me:

&gt;One of my uncles mentioned something to her about being happier in his 50s than he has ever been - his 20s were about making mistakes and growing up, 30s were about finding who he was, and 40s and 50s just got better and better.

&gt;What I want is to make Linda happy above all else. I want to remove stress from her life. I want to provide everything she needs so that she never has to want for anything.

I tend to agree with your uncle that the 20s are a time to make mistakes and grow up--to strive, to fail and try again--which leads to self-reliance. This is directly opposed to your wish to 100% provide for and protect Linda. I think your style of love is fine and some women, in some situations, would be perfectly suited to receiving that kind of love happily...but it sounds to me like Linda wants the freedom to make mistakes. I could be wrong, but I think removing all stress from her life, as lovely as that sounds on the surface, is not truly what she wants.

A year ago I would not have been writing this to you. I wanted what you are offering Linda. Part of me, I admit, still wants that kind of partner, that kind of life. However, the past year has been a pivotal year of growth for me that truly typifies the 20s (I'm 28, almost 29). My heart was utterly broken by a man who I thought was going to marry, and the reason he cited for rejecting me was I wasn't striving enough. I was taking some classes and working on my career path, but not enough. At the time I felt really angry, hurt, and misunderstood. Couldn't he see how hard I was trying?

Then I got a business opportunity and I took it. It was a chance I just couldn't pass up. I was still horribly depressed from the breakup but I took the leap. In the past year my life has been transformed by that leap, and everything that came after it. Now I have a new community of likeminded people in my life, of a kind that I've never ever had before. I've taken those final steps from student to professional. I'm being recognized for my professional abilities that I've been training for but always felt such doubt and anxiety over. Additionally I've tried out some new skills and put on some new "hats" so to speak; I've been pleased to find that I'm good at wearing these additional hats. I'm proud of myself.

And yet I can hardly believe that I have stuff to be proud of, because I started off in such a shitty place. For so much of my 20s I was drifting. I took things slowly. I asked for help a lot. I took it easy. In my case I didn't have a partner enabling me, but my family. I suppose socially I relied upon my ex a good deal, and that's why my new community is so awesome.

In the last year, I've dug deep, took chances, and worked harder than I ever have before. I love myself more than I ever have before.

Maybe I'm biased from my experience, but I have a suspicion that Linda yearns for some kind of challenge and eventual success. Her wish isn't for you to pave the way for her to make it as easy and smooth as possible. It's hard to say no to that when someone offers. Especially when that someone's "love language" (have you read the book The 5 Love Languages?) is to provide material possessions and make decisions. So really it's logical that she wants to be apart from you because then she can strive and succeed, instead of watching you leap into action to strive and succeed for her.

Does that make sense? Again, I realize I am biased by my own story. Even so, I believe it is worth considering as a possible explanation.

If it does turn out that this makes sense for Linda (obviously she would need to confirm this), then my next suggestion would be for you to talk to a life coach or therapist about how to disengage and allow her the space to try and fail on her own. There are also wonderful books on the subject. If you PM me I could give you a list of books that have helped me. (With a previous partner I also used to take charge way too much and cushion him from stuff, so that's something I had to learn to do, too.)

If you care about Linda and keeping her as your wife, you will allow her to grow and learn--on her own.

u/eco_was_taken · 2 pointsr/SaltLakeCity

Umm, I think Python is a good language to start with. It's forgiving and low on boilerplate code. I haven't read it but Learn Python the Hard Way by Zed Shaw is supposed to be decent (and it's free online). I didn't like Learning Python published by O'Reilly. I'd just read reviews on Amazon if Learn Python the Hard Way isn't working for you. Whichever you end up with, I recommend typing all examples from the book into the computer by hand. Something about doing this really helps make things stick in your head. You'll also make the occasional typo and have to debug your program which is something we programmers spend more time doing than any of us care to admit.

I think it is important to try to think of something you want to make and have it in mind while you are learning the language. It can be any software but I recommend a video game. They are really good for this because you can just think up a simple concept or implement your own version of an existing game. Having a goal makes it so you are constantly solving the problems you will encounter while trying to reach that goal which is the most important part of programming (more so than learning the syntax of the language). This is actually the highest rated Python book on Amazon and is all about gamedev with Python.

After you've learned Python to the point where you are comfortable (no need to master it), learn other languages to grow as a programmer. Once you've gotten a couple languages under your belt it's actually really easy to learn even more languages (unless it's a very odd language like Haskell, Lisp, or Brainfuck). The problem solving skills you've acquired often work in any language and you learn some new techniques as you learn new languages.

u/mavnorman · 1 pointr/TrueAtheism

It depends. But I'm glad you asked, for the following suggestions might also be helpful to others.

If I understand you correctly, you seem to think that pointing out fallacies is an efficient way to "fight the good fight". At least, that's my impression. Please correct me when I'm wrong.

Unfortunately, almost all the evidence points to a different direction: It's usually not very effective, because those committing the fallacy usually don't care much about a logical analysis of the situation, anyway. This does also apply to non-believers. Assuming all humans process information in two ways (see Kahneman's System 1 and 2), even atheists often seem to ignore their own system 2, because it actually takes effort to use it.

However, if you're looking for resources about fallacies, any good book on logic will help. One of the best one, I've been told, is "Introduction to logic" by Gensler. You may only need the first 5 chapters, because it becomes quite technical after that. Maybe, Amazon can help find a less technical book.

If, however, you're looking to persuade people, that's a completely different story.

Here, a very common recommendation is Cialdini's "Influence". You can research its contents easily online, so there's no need to buy it. Cialdini emphasizes six common areas to get people to agree with you.

I've looked at your comment history, so here's a short overview what you may want to change to be more effective:

  • Liking: People say yes to people they like. Being offensive to believers is thus unlikely to help you make your point.
  • Scarcity: People often want they don't think is hard to get. It's thus okay to say that we as atheists may indeed by the exception. It might help to say, you understand if your opponent is unable to understand your position.
  • Authority: It helps to have bookmarks, or notes, from authorities who believers respect (typically other believers).
  • Social Proof: It helps to have notes and bookmarks about being a non-believer is on the rise, generally speaking.
  • Reciprocity: People tend to return a favor. This is hard to apply online, but it may help offline.
  • Commitment: If people commit, verbally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment. It's thus worth trying to get your opponents to agree to a certain set of principles. For instance, the fight about gay marriage was won by appealing to one of the most common principles among Americans: Freedom. A simple change of words (from the "right to marry" to the "freedom to marry") made a big difference.

    Hope this helps.
u/Seifuu · 4 pointsr/manga

Yo, as a fellow aspiring mangaka, I got some tips for you:

Write for yourself, not for your audience (it's fairly obvious when you're intentionally trying to play to your audience [fanservice, super Japanese sugoi nihongo wo hanase dekiru yoooooo] and fans, especially Americans, will NOT appreciate it)

Shounen heroes can range from Ichigo (shatter fate, straightforward) to Yuuhi [Lucifer &amp; the Biscuit Hammer] (brooding and thinking protagonist), this applies to every genre; research accordingly.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I assume you are producing an OEL (Original English Language) manga. Don't fall into the stylistic trap, take a look at Osamu Tezuka's "Phoenix" and Hiroaki Samura's "Blade of the Immortal" to really see the artistic pioneers of the genre. Even things like word bubbles and panels can change the feel of an entire page. Don't fall into the Nick Simmons faulty thinking that manga is a specific formula.

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend Scott McCloud's "Understanding Comics". No matter how good of an artist you are, there are certain nuances to the comic trade that need to be explored, if not the entire trade of art.

Take a look at the difference between the wildly successful Jason Chan and the sadly less employed Shaun Healey

Jason Chan is employed by everyone from Wizards of the Coast to Marvel Comics. Would I read a comic of his? Probably not. He can establish a temporary narrative (paint a sweet portrait of a single moment) but so far, seems to lack the ability to pace. A crucial element of manga.

Compare Oh! Great (Air Gear) to Hiromu Arakawa (Fullmetal Alchemist). Holy shit is Oh! Great's art freakin' amazing. Have you seen how he renders people flying upside down and shit? This guy knows anatomy like crazy! Does his story make sense? HELL NO! He seems to make things up as goes along and abandons character development in favor of explaining his ridiculously complicated made-up physics (Air treks stopped making sense like 5 characters ago). On the other hand, Hiromu Arakawa's characters look like they've been through a steam roller, but hey, you can recognize them, they are fully developed characters, and you can understand their motivations.

Naoki Urasawa is an excellent mangaka. He created "20th Century Boys", my favorite piece of literature, and collaborated with Tezuka himself on "Pluto". They guy who won the 2008 Pulitzer Prize pretty much said that Urasawa should've gotten it instead. His art? MEH! But it's a style that makes characters readily differentiable!

STYLE is important. Know what you're trying to say and SAY IT. Ichigo may look like Ikkaku, but their motivations, the stylization of their eyes, and Kubo's backgrounds create entirely unique atmospheres.

Know anatomy, start from ground zero (gesture, proportions), emphasize what you think is important and become unassailable in your knowledge.

DO SOMETHING, even if it sucks, practice, post, copy, learn. Enjoy what you do, manga is awesome.

u/Fishgottaswim78 · 1 pointr/MensLib

&gt; I don't know how to engage in that process without being pushy?

That's a fine line you sort out by practice. We all struggle through that and it's just a matter of having good intentions and paying attention to the person you're with.

&gt; But I never could open myself to trying to regain attraction from the other when it was lost, because I felt kind of manipulative, like a pua

I think ultimately there's a difference between playing mind games and just being open and fighting for what you want in a relationship. i've had men i've been dating break up with me because X, and, when i've disagreed or really wanted the relationship to continue, I've said so and tried to keep it happening. Ultimately you can try to get the other person to see a different point of view, but you're never going to make someone change their minds if their minds are made up. The difference between being upfront about what you want and being a PUA is that PUA's make you believe like women can be controlled and can be made to be with you, which is very different from telling someone you think a relationship is worth fighting for and being in.

&gt; I feel that my sexual desires are more reliable than womens'?

yeah! cuz you're you! I can't ell you how many times i've been attracted to a guy who seemed attracted to me and then completely disappeared! sometimes before we even had sex! you cannot control other people...the moment you realize that fact and accept that that's not what dating is even about, it gets a lot easier.

because then it's about:

  • "i'm into you, are you into me? no? cool, NEXT!"
  • or about "i thought you were into me, are you not anymore? no? cool, thanks for the good times, NEXT!"

    instead of about:

  • "pleaaaaaaaseee we liked each other that one time we're the only two people left on the planet likeeee meeeeeeee" or

  • "she treats me like shit but i reaaaaaaalllyyy like her why won't she treat me nice? I better stay here 4 years and make her Change"

    &gt; contextualizing female sexuality

    you're confusing two things though. Liking someone and wanting to fuck them are two completely different things. The way people like each other has nothing to do with gender, it's just that women are who you want to date and they seem elusive to you so you think there's a difference. Women also crush on men who are not interested in them for months/forever. I crushed on one dude who barely even looked at me for almost TEN YEARS (it never went anywhere).

    female sexuality, when she likes to fuck? That's definitely more contextual, and there are plenty of scientific evidence to confirm that. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If you're interested in learning more about female sexuality, you should check out Come As You Are. Also I think one of Cordelia Fine's books, like Testosterone Rex, would be interesting. Both authors have gone on various podcasts to talk about their work, so that's another way to get the gist if you're interested but don't have the time.

    But ultimately the way to think about female sexuality is this: it's not yours to control, it's not yours to predict, and just because a woman wants to fuck you now doesn't mean she wants to fuck you later BUT ALSO just because she doesn't want to fuck you now, doesn't mean she doesn't want to fuck you later either. i turn my partner down for sex all the time (he does to me too, but that generally gets talked about less) and it has everything to do with my mood, how sexy i feel, and what i have to do later in the day and absolutely nothing to do with how much i love him. he knows no means no, but he also knows he can ask again later and the answer might be something completely different because whether i want to have sex or not has everything to do with whether i feel like it.

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/sex

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&amp;amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;amp;preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&amp;amp;psc=1&amp;amp;refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;psc=1&amp;amp;refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

u/Irish_machiavelli · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

28M here, I am with a 23F g/f of three and a half years (soon to be proposing, but shh, don't tell her) We are very happy together and I can offer you some basic tips.
Okay, so after venting on someone who gave you a real dog turd nugget of advice, I am going to offer something practical and if my fellow redditors downvote me so be it. (I actually don't give shits about Karma, but I do want to give you constructive advice)
Your problem is not rooted in non-monogamy, it is rooted in a much more basic relationship issue. People express and receive feelings of love much differently. Generally, there are five types of expression

Acts of service (honey, I cleaned the house)

Gift Giving (self explanatory)

Kind words (saying "I love you/appreciate you")
physical touch (sex, cuddling, etc)

And MOST RELEVANT to you Quality Time

Now, his hunting is the activity, but his lack of understanding your need of Quality Time is the true cause of your issues. You need to communicate this to him. Tell him you appreciate the things he does, and my guess is that he probably tries to do other things on the list, guys particularly put a lot of weight into gift giving, because that's what society tells us males to do when you females are unhappy.
Communicate. Also, if my suggestion is of any merit for you, then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
This book changed my life and my relationship is incredible as a result. If you're getting serious, read it! Oh and best of luck
Edited for formatting

u/theootz · 6 pointsr/cscareerquestions

TL;DR Improve yourself, invest in your future, don't worry about the mistakes...read the books listed at bottom, and practice!

Few months ago I royally fucked up an interview at Microsoft. A really simple question. But I had no experience doing coding on paper instead of a computer.

I spent a lot of time studying various books and paper coding to make sure it wouldn't happen again.

I then had an interview for another (in my mind at the time) dream job. I did fine for all the phone interviews and they flew me over to the west coast for an in person interview for the day. I did well for the first bit until they started pulling out dynamic programming and integer programming questions on me and expecting me. Once again something I didn't prepare for, and f'd up. Didn't get this job either. For the longest time I was really hard on myself at fucking up on both these interviews one after another. Especially this second one since a lot more was riding on it than just the job (another story).

But then I decided I didn't want to have this sort of experience again and expected better of myself. I made myself further improve and brush up on all those concepts as well. Did a few mock interviews with friends, spent some time working on interview type questions on both the computer and on paper. A month or two later I started interviewing again. By this point I was an interviewing machine - and I'm now able to do just about anything thrown at me. I've had my choice of employers and until just recently, was in the situation where I had so many offers I didn't know which one I wanted most. I'll be heading to silicon valley soon at one of the top tech companies in the world with a fantastic offer considering I just graduated.

The point is - learn from the mistakes and improve yourself. I realize you don't want to be that guy spending heaps of time coding outside of work or whatever... but this is an investment in yourself and your career. Do it once, and then just brush up on your skills from time to time. Get into the interviewing mindset and just rock them so you can have your choice of job - and then you can go about your thing once you have the job locked. The up front investment will be worth it!

Things that helped me:

  • www.hackerrank.com - practiced a lot of questions on here
  • www.careercup.com - another great site for questions
  • Cracking the Coding Interview More help on questions, but also some great insights into the interview process for the larger tech companies and many hints and tips on how to go about solving the more complex problems
  • Code Complete A great book for helping you to refresh or learn about software design
  • Eternally Confuzzled Great resource to learn how to think about common data structures and algorithms

    Having trouble with Algorithm design/analysis? These are some of the go-to books for that:

  • The Algorithm Design Manual Probably the defacto for learning about algorithm design and analysis
  • Introduction to Algorithms A great book with many different algorithms and data structures to learn about
  • Algorithm Design A great book if you want to dive deeper into more complex subjects like graph theory, dynamic programming, search algorithms, etc.. etc..
u/DrBubbles · 2 pointsr/IWantToLearn

/u/eightwebs is in the ballpark, but dropped the ball on a couple things. Let's start from the top.

Brewing your own beer is an amazing, fun, rewarding hobby. I've been doing it for 4 years. To start out, you'll need to get a beginners kit (like this one) which will give you all the specialty equipment you need to make 5 gallons of beer (about 2 cases). You'll also need ingredients which can be found on the same website.

Your first batch will be simple. You will more than likely be brewing extract (which is similar to making a cake from a boxed cake mix -- the finer details are taken care of for you, you just have to follow some easy directions). It will take about 4-5 weeks to be ready. It needs to spend 1-2 weeks fermenting, and then 2 weeks in the bottle.

It probably won't be the best beer you've ever had, but it will have alcohol, it will be carbonated, and I guarantee it will be satisfying. Then you can work on getting better and better.

Brewing is one of those hobbies where book knowledge is good, but you won't actually get good at it unless you do it a lot. Here's where you start: buy this book and read the sections about getting started, fermentation, ingredients, and the extract batch walkthrough. Read them twice. Read the whole book if you feel so inclined. That book is considered by many to be the brewers bible. There are some other good books out there, but none as comprehensive as Palmer's. Then buy the kit I linked above (or a similar one), some ingredients, and get started.

Also, come check out /r/homebrewing. I very active, very helpful place for all your brewing questions.

Feel free to ask any more specific questions you have.

u/looeee · 1 pointr/math

some amazing books I would suggest to you are:

  • Godel Escher Bach

  • Road to Reality By Roger Penrose.

  • Code by
    Charles Petzold.

  • Pi in the Sky by John Barrow.

    All of these I would love to read again, if I had the time, but none more so than Godel, Escher, Bach, which is one of the most beautiful books I have ever come across.

    Road to Reality is the most technical of these books, but gives a really clear outline of how mathematics is used to describe reality (in the sense of physics).

    Code, basically, teaches you how you could build a computer (minus, you know, all the engineering. But that's trivial surely? :) ). The last chapter on operating systems is pretty dated now but the rest of it is great.

    Pi in the Sky is more of a casual read about the philosophy of mathematics. But its very well written, good night time reading!

    You have a really good opportunity to get an intuitive understanding of the heart of mathematics, which even at a college level is somewhat glossed over, in my experience. Use it!
u/CodeTamarin · 2 pointsr/computerscience

The Stanford Algorithm book is complete overkill in my opinion do NOT read that book. That's insane. Read it when you've been doing programming for a while and have a grasp of how it even applies.

Here's my list, it's a "wanna be a decent junior" list:

  • Computer Science Distilled
  • Java/ C# / PHP/ JS (pick one)
  • Do some Programming Challenges
  • SQL
  • Maybe build a small web app. Don't worry about structure so much, just build something simple.
  • Applying UML: and Patterns: An Introduction to Object Oriented Anaysis and Design Iterative Development
  • Head First Design Patterns
  • Clean Architecture
  • Refactoring: Improving the Design of Existing Code
  • If you're interested in Web
  • Soft Skills: Power of Habit , A Mind for Numbers , Productivity Project

    &amp;#x200B;

    Reasoning: So, the first book is to give you a sense of all that's out there. It's short and sweet and primes you for what's ahead. It helps you understand most of the basic industry buzz words and whatnot. It answers a lot of unknown unknowns for a newbie.

    Next is just a list languages off the top of my head. But you can pick anything, seriously it's not a big deal. I did put Java first because that's the most popular and you'll like find a mountain of resources.

    Then after some focused practice, I suggest grabbing some SQL. You don't need to be an expert but you gotta know about DBs to some degree.

    Then I put an analysis book that's OOP focused. The nifty thing about that book, is it breaks into design patterns nicely with some very simple design patters to introduce you to design patterns and GRASP.

    Then I put in a legit Design Patterns book that explains and explores design patterns and principles associated with many of them.

    Now that you know how code is structured, you're ready for a conversation about Architecture. Clean architecture is a simple primer on the topic. Nothing too crazy, just preps you for the idea of architecture and dealing with it.

    Finally, refactoring is great for working devs. Often your early work will be focused on working with legacy code. Then knowing how to deal with those problems can be helpful.

    FINAL NOTE: Read the soft skills books first.

    The reason for reading the soft skills books first is it helps develop a mental framework for learning all the stuff.

    Good luck! I get this isn't strictly computer science and it's likely focused more toward Software Development. But I hope it helps. If it doesn't. My apologies.
u/MoreCowbellMofo · 2 pointsr/java

&gt;How valuable is an Oracle cert?

No more than any other online course from a respected institution such as google, say: https://cloud.google.com/training/free-labs/ or one of the online courses available at MIT/Stanford.

&gt;What else should I look into to boost my repertoire?

See if your university has any business partnerships you could do a 2-3 month project for. I worked with one of the university's here in the UK as part of a business/university partnership and that gives the students real world experience and us some free work. Win-win if the project is completed.

Sorry - mostly UK (amazon) links :)

TDD - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Object-Oriented-Software-Guided-Signature/dp/0321503627/ref=sr_1_1, Video by Trisha Gee whos fairly well known for speaking on this stuff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDFI19lj4OM (some very handy shortcut keys in the video and a good outline of some of the tools available to you).

Clean Code - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clean-Code-Handbook-Software-Craftsmanship/dp/0132350882 (by "Uncle Bob")

Design patterns - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Head-First-Design-Patterns-Freeman/dp/0596007124/ref=sr_1_1

Learn to use shortcuts in Intelli J to speed up your ability to generate/refactor code: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-started-IntelliJ-Hudson-Assumpção/dp/1849699615/ref=sr_1_1

Also Jetbrains does good newsletters (curated by the same lady that made the video above under TDD) sign up to stay up to date with interesting/relevant blogs/articles/industry news https://www.jetbrains.com/resources/newsletters/

Github - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Version-Control-Git-collaborative-development/dp/1449316387/ref=sr_1_4

Bash Commands - https://nikgrozev.com/2016/05/22/shell-cheatsheet-part-1-common-bash-scripting-tmux/

XP/Scrum/Kanban development process - https://www.agilealliance.org/glossary/xp/ the way we work

Trusted developer blog on various engineering topics https://martinfowler.com/

Interview Prep https://www.hiredintech.com/courses

Hint: the above books are likely to be available at any academic library. If not, request them. you likely only need to read 33-50% of them and you'll be golden. I imagine you can likely get hold of electronic versions of these books as well.

The best thing you can do to prepare yourself is to start practising developing projects... get them up on github. it could be a website, a desktop application/game/tool, a demo of sorting algorithms, a web service... literally anything. Fork others' projects, code a feature request and create a pull request back to the original repository/codebase on github. Just build something rather than nothing. Anyone can do the latter. There's so much more opportunity now that we have github available. Think of any thing you might be interested in working on and someone, somewhere has likely already got a project underway in that area, and you're free to submit a pull request to their repository at the click of a button. This wasn't really possible 10-15 yrs ago.

The simple answer is there's so much to know, you just have to find what your interests/passions are and follow those as much as possible.

No matter how good you are at what you do today, the tools will be different tomorrow and may even depend on the industry you enter: AI, web services, blockchain, computer vision, robotics? The list is long and each one requires you to be highly trained (over many years) before you're considered any good at it.

Just try to learn what you can. Find something that genuinely interests you and study it until you become a trusted authority on the subject, or you find something you're more interested in instead.

If you have any ideas for the type of area you might be interested in put them up here and perhaps someone can point you to a relevant project?

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Howard_H._Aiken "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."

u/NullEgo · 14 pointsr/AskComputerScience

The biggest hurdles I had motivating myself to work on a project was never coding itself. It was always setting up the compiler, IDE, environment, finding something to work on, etc. The biggest one for me is blank page syndrome.

You don't need to convert to linux if you don't want to but it is good to get some experience in it if you can. I spent sometime setting up a headless Ubuntu server to manage my torrents and be network storage. It took a lot of time starting from scratch but the experience has helped me out.

http://www.ubuntu.com
http://www.reddit.com/r/linuxquestions
http://ubuntuforums.org/

If you want to continue with Java (which is a good choice). I believe the most popular IDE is Eclipse. It has great plugin support and has been used everywhere I've been. You can use it for development on android phones as well if you want to play around with mobile development.

http://www.eclipse.org
http://developer.android.com/tools/sdk/eclipse-adt.html

If your college is like mine, most of the later courses in computer science will not involve much coding at all but will involve a lot of math and knowing popular solutions to common problems (sorting, searching, graph theory, combinatorics). If you feel like you need to brush up on a language, there are a lot of web resources and books to help you.

http://www.codecademy.com
http://www.amazon.com/Effective-Java-Edition-Joshua-Bloch/dp/0321356683
http://www.amazon.com/Head-First-Java-Kathy-Sierra/dp/0596009208/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1382580434&amp;amp;sr=1-2&amp;amp;keywords=head+on+java

Computer science and software development is a broad field which makes scaling it daunting at times. The only way to make it less daunting is to just dive in and do it. Pick a project and work on it. You will encounter problems you have no idea how to solve and that's great because now you've found something you can learn (usually through Google).

Solve problems in manageable bits. If you try to implement your whole program at once it will seem impossible. Implement small portions of your project at a time. Trying to create a Java chat client? Just work on getting some basic sockets to work and build a library you'll be able to use going forward. This will make the goals seem manageable and help you modularize your code. It helped me with not feeling overwhelmed about my project's scope.

I hope I didn't sound condescending. I just wanted to share some things that have helped me. I don't think you are in a bad spot, you just need to stay motivated and find some things to work on to help you learn. If you have any specific questions I can try to help out, but there are other people on this sub that are far more knowledgeable than me.

u/aureolae · 14 pointsr/AsianMasculinity

You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?

I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?

Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.

Short - no solution.

Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.

Learn to dress better.

Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?

Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.

Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:

https://www.amazon.ca/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

u/RangerPretzel · 1 pointr/friendship

&gt; Though the part where you wrote that the stuff we shared is less meaningful, that is a hard thing to swallow.

Well, maybe I should clarify. The things that you shared may be less meaningful to her. They may have more meaning to you, though, possibly because you're holding on to the meaning.

What's interesting is the reverse may happen to you. At some point in your life, you'll have a relationship with someone, but you'll grow apart from that person where you won't want to be around that person as much. They may still want to be close to you, though.

There's an interesting book about this called "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ -- You can probably find it at the library as well, if you don't want to buy it for $10.

It's a verbose version of this wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

A friend of mine found the book very interesting and it explained to her why she had difficulty with friendships/relationships.

Anyway, to address your points:

&gt; 1- most people already have a close friend or a group of friends and are not taking applications.

Yes... And no.

Yes, many people already have close friend / friend group, but no. In fact, many will also take new comers... If they fit or add to the group somehow.

&gt; 2- I have developed a fear of getting close to people (emotionly).

See that book "Attached". It covers this pretty well. It may help you realize why you carry this fear.

&gt; 3- just because you strike a conversation with someone, that won't guarantee anything.

Yes, and if you don't strike up a conversation, then definitely, without a doubt, nothing will happen. So the reality is that when a door opens a little bit, why not open it a little more? If a door opens, don't just automatically close it. Chances are the person behind the door won't try to open it again. And then you have a self-fulfilling prophecy where you keep closing doors and indeed they'll stay shut. Yet somehow you'll keep hoping that all these doors will open magically and everything will be perfect. Friendships are hard sometimes. They can often take a little work. Sometimes they survive and get stronger, sometimes they don't. And that's how it goes.

As Woody Allen once said, "Showing up is 80 percent of life." Keep showing up. People will remember you and want to be your friend if you keep showing up. Not everyone, but some people.



u/MellorineMoments · 23 pointsr/Codependency

\&gt; I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.


While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?

I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.

Wishing the best in your healing.

u/Young_Salmon · 1 pointr/sex

Dear Stranger on the internet,

I think the question is a bit flawed, so it will be challenging for anyone to give you a satisfying answer. Is it normal to sleep with escorts? Sure. Is there anything inherently wrong with that? No, I don't think so. As a general rule, if an activity brings you satisfaction and doesn't cause any harm to yourself or others then it will be okay. I'll leave it at that because I think others here have already expressed this general idea better.

What I really hope to do in this post is to pass on some advice, from one internet stranger to another.

  1. Firstly. you are young. so so young. at 22, you're basically still a kid. (I'm only 25! and I also still think I'm a kid!) but even looking back on the past 3 years I recognize how much I have changed and how much my attitudes (particularly concerning relationships and sex) have changed and matured. The point being: You're circumstances will change, and you will change in response. If you feel discouraged or disheartened by the way things are now then I want to remind you that you have a lot of life left to live :). Don't be too hard on yourself buddy.

  2. Secondly, YOU have the power to change your circumstances. YOU have the power to change your attitudes. YOU have the power to change your outlook on life. Too often people get stuck in a rut and they lose sight of the crucial truth that there is virtually nothing in your life that can't be improved/developed/reassessed.

  3. IF you take one thing away from my post, take this. Read Models by Mark Manson. It changed my life. the book is a mixture of a classic self-improvement book and a practical advice guide to interacting with women. But it is soooo much more than just that. Manson describes a healthy, comprehensive model for what true confidence actually is, and lays out some concrete steps that a person can take to get there. He argues that honesty should be the guiding principle in all aspects of ones life; be honest with yourself, your desires, and your interests. And express those things honestly to the world.

    That description doesn't do the book justice, but I would strongly recommend you read it. It is fantastic in more ways than I have time or energy to describe.

    I wish you luck and happiness in the future!

  • Friendly internet stranger who read a book and thinks you should also read the book.
u/PundaPanda · 2 pointsr/self

You seem like you made a lot of the right steps, man. It sucks about the best friend thing. I've been there too. Doing stuff all the time like picking up hobbies or exploring your state would be great ways to keep your mind off of things. I'm really glad you hit the gym. The best thing you can be doing is working on yourself right now. Don't let anyone tell you how long you need to get over it either. You'll know when you are and when it's time to let go. If you care for reading at all then definitely pick up a few books. Listening to podcasts is another really great thing for getting over the loss. I liked listening to things like Snap Judgment and This American Life. It just helped to hear stories of other people lives. Hearing their struggles and successes, it just helps.
As for dating someone else -http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
This book did wonders for me. This book is not about how to get laid ten times a week or whatever. It's more about how to be yourself and be okay with that. You'll get through the depression, man. You've learned a lot from this experience and you'll come out the other side stronger. You know more now about how you want to love and be loved, how you think you ought to be as a friend or a lover.
Good luck, man.

u/piratejake · 2 pointsr/math

Escher's work with tessellation and other mathematical ideas are fairly well-known and documented so I'll try to mention a few examples of things I learned in an art history course a while ago.


DaVinci's Vitruvian Man used Phi in the calculation of ratios. Example: the ratio of your arm to your height or your eyes to your face is nearly always Phi. I'm not sure if I'm correct in the body parts mentioned, my art history class was nearly 6 years ago so I'm a bit rusty. I'll try to think of some more examples and post.


EDIT: a few more examples have come back from memory. DaVinci was a master of perspective as well. As you can see DaVinci used linear lines to draw attention to the subject of his works. In the case of The Last Supper, the lines from the structure of the building, to the eyes and gestures of the disciples aim towards Jesus.


Botticelli's Birth of Venus uses a triangle to bring the subject into the viewer's mind. The two subjects on the left and right form the lines that meet at the middle of the top and close off a triangle with the bottom of the work. Venus herself is in the middle of the triangle which brings your attention to her immediately upon viewing the work.


Michelangelo's Pieta also uses a triangle to highlight its subjects. Mary's figure creates a triangle (which is considered to be quite intentional based upon her size, both in relation to Jesus, a full grown man, and from her upper and obviously enlarged lower body). Her triangle makes the outline for the subject, Jesus. He is nearly in the center of both the horizontal and vertical axises. The way he is laying, from near the top of the left and then draping to the bottom of the right, depicts a very lifeless form because of the unnatural laying. Moving the viewer's gaze from the top to the bottom of the triangle strengthens the emotion of the scene.



Moving on to architecture, vaulted ceilings also use triangles to draw your eyes down a line also make an awe-inspiring impression.


In contrast to the European's love of straight lines and geometric figures, the traditional Japanese architectural style was opposed to using straight lines. As you can see, nearly every line in a traditional Japanese building is curved. The traditional belief was that straight lines were evil because they thought evil spirits could only travel in straight lines. This design criteria made for very interesting formations and building methods which I would encourage you to check out because of the sheer dedication to the matter.


The Duomo in Florence is a great example of Renaissance architecture and has a really cool octagonal shaped dome. I could go on and on about how awesome Brunelleschi's design was, but I'll just let you read about it here.


I could talk all day about this sort of stuff, just let me know if you want anything else or have any questions. Good luck with your class!


EDIT2: I've found some more links about the subject of mathematics in art and architecture. It looks like University of Singapore actually has a class on the subject. There's also a good Wikipedia page on it as well. This article is pretty lengthy and knowledgeable, but doesn't include pictures to illustrate the topics. Finally, as almost anybody in r/math will testify, Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter is a fantastic read for anybody interested in mathematics and cool shit in general.



EDIT3: LITERATURE: I know we've all heard what a badass Shakespeare was, but it really hits you like a bus when you find out that how well the man (or for you Shakespeare conspiracy theorists, men) could use words in rhyme and meter. Here's a Wikipedia article about his use of iambic pentameter and style. Nothing else really comes to mind at the moment as far as writers using math (other than using rhyme and meter like I mentioned Shakespeare doing); however, I can think of a few ways to incorporate math. If you would like to go into any sort of programming during the class, you could show how to make an array out of a word. Once that concept is understood, you could make them solve anagrams or palindromes with arrays... a favorite of mine has always been making [ L , I , N , U , X ] into [ U , N , I , X ] ( [ 3 , 2 , 1 , 4 ] for the non-array folks ).

u/DeliveryNinja · 2 pointsr/learnprogramming

Read these books to get to grips with the latest techniques and ways of working. As an employer I'd be extremely impressed if you'd read these books. They will give you a big head start when trying to move into the professional work environment. Most of them will apply to any programming language but they mainly use Java as the example language but it's very similar to C#. It's books like these that are the difference between a beginner and an expert, but don't forget when you start coding 9-5 with good developers you will very quickly pick things up. We were all in your position at one point, if you get these read it'll all be worth it in the end!

Coding

C# in depth - I've not read this one since I do Java but I've just had a quick glance. This should be pretty useful and it's a respected publisher. I think you should start with this one.

Clean Code - Great book which explains how to write clean concise code, this 1,000,000x. It doesn't matter what language you are using it should apply where ever you write code.

Cleaner Coder - Another Robert Martin book, this one is easy to read and quite short, it's all about conducting yourself in a professional manner when you are coding. Estimating time, working with co-workers, etc.. Another good read.

Growing Object-Oriented Software - This book is about writing code using test driven development. It explains the ideas and methodologies and then has a large example of a project that you build with TDD. I just read this recently and it is really good.

Head first design patterns - This book goes through essential design patterns when coding with an object orientated language. Another essential read. Very easy to read, lots of diagrams so no excuses to not read it!

Work Methodologys

Kanban

Succeeding with Agile


p.s

Start building stuff, get an account on linked in and state the languages you are working with. This will help as well because having something to show an employer is priceless.

u/Manitcor · 14 pointsr/dotnet

There are some key concepts you want to get down if you really want to make the most of .NET

  • OO design and basic patterns
    Design patterns are used over and over again in OO based systems. A good understanding of what they are for, and how they tend to be used will be helpful when trying to understand key framework extensions and 3d party libraries. I like to point people at Head First Design Patterns. The opinions on design patterns in this book are a bit dated and the examples use Java syntax but they are all relevant to the .NET world and will go a long way to understanding how class names and object structures are used in OO systems.

    IMO One of the biggest concepts you'll need to understand in OO currently is the Inversion of Control pattern (also referred to as dependency injection) and the frameworks that provide it. Most modern .NET applications leverage some kind of dependency injection to simplify development and make unit testing and porting of classes easier.

    NOTE: I understand many folks in the PHP world feel that PHP is a full OO system. While they have made strides in this area it is not a fully typed OO system. It's a procedural system twisted to provide some OO features.

  • Syntax
    This is easy, just review MSDN docs and samples. The biggest different you will see in the .NET world is a different opinion in general on casing of object and method names.

  • Frameworks
    This is the part that seems the most overwhelming IMO. The language itself is fairly easy but understanding the huge amount of 1st and 3rd party libraries, frameworks and tools can be daunting. Since you come from the PHP world I am going to assume you are most interested in web based applications. What I would recommend is to pick a set of tools for your web stack and learn them. Once you understand the key pieces of a web application and how they interact you can start picking and choosing different components to meet your needs. I am going to suggest you start with the following stack to get started with a web application, this is the same stack I use for most of my clients making smaller functional websites or simple content driven systems.

  • .NET 4 (you can do 3.5 but really just go with the latest)
  • Core Web App - MVC (3 or 4)
  • Dependency Injection - Unity 2.0 or 2.1
  • Data access - Entity Framework
  • Application Security - .NET Membership Provider (there is a newer slightly better framework by MS but I cannot recall the name at the moment)
  • Consuming 3rd party services - WCF
  • Exposing your own services REST - MVC (since you are already using it for pages)
  • Exposing your own services using multiple protocols/data formats - WCF
  • XML Processing - Linq and Lambda's. Also be aware of XmlTextReader and XmlTextWriter for targeted high speed forward-only processing.
  • Configuration management - build in web.config with CSD for complex configuration structures beyond what appsettings can provide.

    Key Concepts for Modern .NET Apps

  • Generics
  • Lambdas
  • Linq
  • Closures
  • dynamic typing
  • threading

    Some basic tools to help you:

  • dotpeak - provides detailed assembly information and some decompilation.
  • Assembly binding log viewer - helps troubleshoot dependencies by logging internal CLR calls to dependent libraries.
  • MSBuild - Build management and orchrstarion. This is the system used internally by Visual Studio for building projects. It's a command line tool so you can build projects even without visual studio. A basic understanding of MSBuild makes it fairly easy to use any IDE or text editor you like for .NET development. I do however like VS2010 or 2012 as it goes a long way in helping you code and understand .net.

    Edit: Now with more links.
u/the_mad_scientist · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I like Lambic and if you make beer, any kind, you have to respect the effort it takes - no matter the style. Let them snicker, just enjoy your Lambic.

Since you are in So-Cal, there are many good places for unusual beer here are just two:

The Wine House
The Beverage Warehouse

Charlie Papazian is the godfather of homebrewing, his books and efforts helped create the current landscape. Michael Jackson was very influential in his own right as well. So, reading up on him is a very good idea. Compared to the previous two, John Palmer is relatively new to the scene but has done some excellent work to make homebrewing more easily understood. His book, How To Brew is really, really good. Read it online or grab it at Amazon for &lt;$14. Worth having.

I have to compliment many of the posters here, they are offering a lot of good information. I had no idea there were so many brewers on Reddit! Read, read, read and the jump in. There's a lot to know and nothing substitutes for doing. PM me if I can help.

Making beer together can be a very fun and rewarding thing to do. I have progressed into making wine and champagne (ok, sparkling wine). I am just about to start to make vodka. But that's a different post.

Watch out for the strong ales! 8-9% ABV will get you ripped. They are twice the alcohol content of your average beer.

Edit:

Almost forgot, try Hoegaarden. It's a good beer and appeals to many. Another that is worth trying is La Chouffe. &lt;drool&gt;

u/M4ver1k · 1 pointr/Divorce

I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.

I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.

If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.

After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.

Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.

u/MetalMagnum · 4 pointsr/AskPhysics

Hiya! I'm a recent physics/computer science graduate and although I can't think of any super cool handmade options off the top of my head, there are some physics books that I find interesting that your boyfriend may enjoy. One solid idea would be just about anything written by Richard Feynman. Reading through the Feynman Lectures is pretty standard for all physicists, though there are free versions online as well. There are a few others, such as The Pleasure of Finding things Out and Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman. There's also a cool graphic novel that recounts the events of his life called Feynman by Ottaviani. If you're not familiar with who this guy is, he is a colorful and concise orator who won a nobel prize in physics. His biggest contributions were in nuclear physics and quantum computation, and his quirks make his explanations of these topics very interesting. The Feynman Lectures are more formal, while his personal books are a mixture of personal experience and explanation.

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Something else that I typically gift all of my friends who are problem solvers interested in physics is the book Thinking Physics. This book is great for developing some high level intuition in every field of physics (mechanics, optics, thermodynamics, electricity and magnetism, quantum mechanics, etc.). This book is great because it's broken into small digestible sections that build your knowledge as you solve more of the questions (solutions are given).

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Good luck!

u/artemisprimex · 3 pointsr/offmychest

Hey Friend,

I'm just a stranger passing by and what I say may mean something, but at the worst, it'll mean nothing, so no harm done

I can empathize with what you are going through to a certain point as I've dealt with similar issues. If I may offer some bits of thought that I've picked up over my life:

What made me really optimistic reading this was this little part you put in: "I've since stopped smoking, started going to bed before 3 am every night, and cut down on my drinking significantly. I've made some progress over the last few months: I'm finally leaving for school, I volunteered to help disabled people exercise throughout this summer (which was extremely daunting due to my social anxiety), and I'm starting to get back in shape."
You seem to have started making attempts to make yourself feel better and that is great, since it is usually the first step to getting happier. but as you continue on your journey just remember that change is one of the hardest things that we as humans can do and it takes time to see results so don't get to down if things don't get better quickly, just keep grinding.

Secondly, something I always struggled with was comparing myself to other people, however over time I've come to realize that comparing yourself to others, is one of the most self destructive behaviors a person can have. we are all on a different schedule with our lives, you mentioned that you feel bad that your hometown friends have gone out to see the world while you stayed and "withered" away at home. the thing is, what they are doing, does not impact your life. Focus on you and your needs and your goals, it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing as long as your striving for something that really means to you.

Now when it comes to interacting with people, I have to fight the same battle, Its my worst nightmare to have to meet new people or go to social events. however over time I've gotten better, and If you are a book person i would recommend two books:

How to make friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie
Its a great resource on human psychology and offers great advice on how to deal with people and situations while also offering a great guideline on how to have positive interactions with people

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1504163698&amp;amp;sr=1-1-catcorr&amp;amp;keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

The Second would be "Models" - Mark Manson
While its technically a dating advice book, its far more than that. this book goes in depth about what it means to be attractive and have a fulfilling life, its a wonderful motivational book as it goes to a much deeper level then most. (It is absolutely not your typical dating advice book where it feeds you lines and teaches mannerisms, it is so much more than that its just really down to earth and honest)

https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1504163932&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=models+mark+manson

The thing is, new adventures are scary, change is scary, and moving to a different place while exciting can bring forth feelings of insecurity. But in the end, we can either let those feelings decide who we are or we can take a stand against them and actively strive to improve ourselves.

You are doing great and I want you to know that Whatever you choose to do I'm over here rooting for you, you got this. sending positive vibes your way my friend :)

u/calenlass · 8 pointsr/ABraThatFits

I also feel this way about gift cards, but my opinion has shifted a little since I did the KonMari purge a couple of years ago. I'm much pickier about what I bring into my house now (with bras being no exception), and when I choose a particular brand of makeup or model of toaster oven or type of laundry detergent, only to be given something "similar" by my sister at Christmas, I very much appreciate the thought, but now am left with something I won't use and have to figure out how to get rid of AND am still without what I actually wanted. In that case, I'd rather have a generic gift card, but then I'm faced with the same opinion I've always had. The trick is to avoid making the gift card the object of the gift.

My husband and my mom understand the pickiness (he because he lives with me, she because she did the purge too), and if they gave me a gift card and said "let's go bra shopping", I would understand their intent, that they knew how complicated it was, and that it would be about going together. Spending the day shopping with them becomes the gift, with the gift card just a vehicle.

My husband has successfully surprised me with a bra once (and not just bedroom lingerie, that's a different topic), and it was another color of a bra I already owned in the same size. Since you know about the Aerie Sunnie bra and her size, I think that will work out wonderfully! However, I do think u/branita's idea is something you should hold onto for the future. I think it's perfect for this sort of thing, because the gift card isn't the gift, the experience is. It's still plenty romantic and shows how much thought and effort you put into the plan, and becomes about you doing something together, with a nice bra as a side bonus.

u/soundbunny · 11 pointsr/AskTrollX

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

u/Sunde · 1 pointr/learnmath

http://www.amazon.com/Calculus-4th-Michael-Spivak/dp/0914098918/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1342068971&amp;amp;sr=8-1&amp;amp;keywords=spivak%27s+calculus

This book starts with basic properties of numbers (associativity, commutativity, etc), then moves onto some proof concepts followed by a very good foundation (functions, vectors, polar coordinate). Be forewarned that the content is VERY challenging in this book, and will definitely require a determined effort, but it will certainly be good if you can get through it.

A more gentle introduction to Calculus is http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Calculus-12th-George-B/dp/0321587995/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1342069166&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=thomas%27+calculus and it is a much easier book, but you don't prove much in this one. Both of these can likely be found online for free. Also, if you want to get a decent understanding I recommend, http://www.amazon.com/How-Prove-Structured-Daniel-Velleman/dp/0521675995/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;amp;ie=UTF8&amp;amp;qid=1342069253&amp;amp;sr=1-1&amp;amp;keywords=how+to+prove+it or http://www.people.vcu.edu/~rhammack/BookOfProof/index.html the latter is definitely free.

You may also need a more introductory text for trig and functions. I can't find the book my school used for precalc, hopefully someone else can offer a good recommendation.

Also, getting a dummies book to read alongside was pretty helpful for me, and Paul's online notes(website) is very nice.

u/reverendnathan · 6 pointsr/beer

I wouldn't start with a site, but rather a book, How to Brew by John Palmer. Go ahead and spend the 10 bucks on it right now, this isn't an option. You can't just skate by without this book and annoy everyone on /r/homebrewing, homebrewtalk, or IRC channels with questions answered beautifully and organically in this book.

This book answers the basics, from what beer is, what is fermenting, to the process, to the advanced, including building advanced all-grain setups. This will answer nearly all the questions you have, from now to three years of experience on down the road, and it's here in one handy book you can doodle and highlight all over. This is your first investment. Equipment is not your first investment. A gallon of cider and a pack of baker's yeast is not your first investment. A craigslist posting of someone giving away their old equipment is not your first investment. Paying the money right now for this book is your first investment.

While the book is in the mail, you can start reading the first edition online, which gives you an opportunity to reread it all over again in print when your copy arrives. Write stuff down. Highlight stuff. Go to google and bing something if you aren't fully clear. No questions yet, understand what the whole process is, and be committed to a few very important core rules: cleaning is the most important, timeliest part of brew day. Quality goes into the work you do, quality comes out as the finish product. And finally, it's necessary to have a beer while you make beer -- respect the craft you've taken up as a hobby by respecting those who have done so before you.

Finally you can begin to ask the question you are asking now. Where do I go before I brew? First, Midwest Supplies has a coupon about thrice a year that is a big savings and comes with mostly everything -- if you want to wait around for that, in the between time is a good time to invest in the other things, like a large pot, star-san, empty bottles, and so on. If not, do research and don't go buying the cheapest kit -- buy the kit that comes with everything that you want; don't feel short-handed or inundated with extras.

Lastly, that book is your new bible. It has all the answers. Now the bible is a historical recording, and new evidence disproves things in the bible. Some things you'll learn like quick tips and such you'll find just browsing the web, but what's in the bible makes for a correct and complete brewday. But the bibles of the world would be great if it came with the empirical evidence of video recordings. This episode of brewingTV is pretty good at showing what your first brewday should look like. But again, this religion will be lost on you if you don't buy and read the bible first.

And remember, "Relax, don't worry, have a homebrew".

u/DaBritishyankee · 3 pointsr/learnprogramming

&gt;What did/do you find hard about learning programming? If you could be specific about things that frustrated you or roadblocks that got in your way, that would be helpful.

The hardest thing I've found about learning programming is knowing where to start. If you're trying to learn without a mentor its really hard to know what you need to learn and how. To someone inexperienced with the field, learning to program seems as simple as learning a language, but the difficult part is learning to apply that to different problems. Overall, the hardest thing to learn is something that you don't know exists. As for a specific subject, I remember finding recursion and Polymorphism hard to understand the first time I encountered them.

&gt;Did you choose to go to an institute of higher learning for programming instead of using the free resources that are all over the net? If so, why?

I am an undergrad sophomore at Northeastern University, studying Computer Science. I chose to study computer science at university instead of using online resources, because I realized that there was a lot to learn which I couldn't find in a web page. I made the decision shortly into my Junior year of high school when I was taking AP Computer Science. I enjoyed studying the subject so much that I couldn't imaging studying anything else.

&gt;What is something that you wish you could change about your current programming instruction?

My current programming instruction is great. I generally think that my professors are very interactive and experienced in their fields. Something I think is great is that most of my professors lecture without computers. They write code on the board, which gives them much more freedom to move about and ask questions, and it makes that classes interesting. I also think it removes the focus from the language being used and places it on the theory, which is the important part.

&gt;Do you look for career preparation or support? If so, what have you been looking at or what resources do you use? To clarify - I mean interview help, prep questions, advice, etc...about preparing to enter the field.

One of Northeastern's greatest tools is its coop program. Typically students graduate in 5 years with 1.5 years of working experience over three 6-month coops. In preparation of this, I had to take a class to prepare me for applying to companies. The experience was amazing. The advising department brought in employers and other students to talk to us and do mock interviews. As someone looking for their first "real" job, this is invaluable. Technical questions are an important part of the application process, but for entry level programming jobs they aren't too difficult. I've heard that http://www.amazon.com/Cracking-Coding-Interview-Programming-Questions/dp/098478280X is a great resource.

&gt;For those of you still in school/learning - do you worry about how you will find a job programming? What concerns do you have?

Nope, already got my first job in the field. From my experience over the past semester of interviewing, it you're excited about the field and have a reasonable ability to program, you can find a job somewhere (especially if you live in a city.)

&gt;If you're out of school and in the workforce - do you ever worry about how you will move forward in your career?

Not there yet.

&gt;Does your place of employment (you don't have to tell me who) provide you with feedback or a clear path to advancement? Tell me about your concerns here.

Not there yet.

u/jchiu003 · 1 pointr/OkCupid

Depends on how old you are.

  • Middle school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but I don't think I can read those books now (29) without cringing a little bit. Especially, Getting Things Done because I already know how to make to do list, but I still flip through all 3 books occastionally.

  • High school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but if you're a well adjusted human and responsible adult, then I don't think you'll find a lot of helpful advice from these 6 books so far because it'll be pretty basic information.

  • College: I really enjoyed this, this, and started doing Malcolm Gladwell books. The checklist book helped me get more organized and So Good They Can't Ignore You was helpful starting my career path.
  • Graduate School: I really enjoyed this, this, and this. I already stopped with most "self help" books and reading more about how to manage my money or books that looked interesting like Stiff.

  • Currently: I'm working on this, this, and this. Now I'm reading mostly for fun, but all three of these books are way out of my league and I have no idea what their talking about, but they're areas of my interest. History and AI.
u/Shoeshine-Boy · 5 pointsr/TrueAtheism

Personal research, mostly. I'm a big history nerd with a slant toward religion and other macabre subject matter. I'm actually not as well read as I'd like to be on these subjects, and I basically blend different sources into a knowledge smoothie and pour it out onto a page and see what works for me and what doesn't.

I'll list a few books I've read that I enjoyed. There are certainly more here and there, but these are the "big ones" I was citing when writing all the comments in this thread. I typically know more about Christianity than the other major faiths because of the culture around me.

Christianity: The First Three Thousand Years - Diarmaid MacCulloch

A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam - Karen Armstrong

The next two balance each other out quite well. Hardline anti-theism contrasted with "You know, maybe we can make this work".

The Case for God - Karen Armstrong

The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins



Lately, I have been reading the Stoics, which like Buddhism, I find to be one of the more personally palatable philosophies of mind I have come across, although I find rational contemplation a bit more accessible to my Westernized nature.

Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters - Translated by Moses Hadas

Discourses and Selected Writings (of Epictetus) - Translated by Robert Dobbin

The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius - Translated by George Long

I'm still waiting on Fed Ex to deliver this one:

A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy - William B. Irvine

Also, if you're into history in general, a nice primer for what sorts of things to dive into when poking around history is this fun series on YouTube. I usually watch a video then spend a while reading more in depth about whatever subject is covered that week in order to fill the gaps. Plus, John and Hank are super awesome. The writing is superb and I think, most importantly, he presents an overall argument for why studying history is so important because of its relevance to current events.

Crash Course: World History - John Green

u/xraystyle · 1 pointr/TrueReddit

I have a theory about this that wasn't floated in the article.

Maybe it's the Machiavellian in me, but when I see someone who's being overly generous, especially if I don't know them well, I often wonder if they have an ulterior motive.

There's a great book out there called Influence: The Psychology Of Persuasion. One technique mentioned in the book when trying to make a sale or gain an advantage in a negotiation is to do something nice for the other party before any discussions take place.

This can be as simple as buying a drink, or as is often the case with politicians and lobbyists, sending someone on a lavish vacation.

When someone does something nice for you, you tend to feel somewhat indebted. It's a strong social norm to repay favors done for you.

Hence, whenever someone I don't know well does something nice for me, my first thought is, "What do they want from me?"

Obviously this isn't my first thought with most friends and family, but if there's an unusual level of ass-kissing going on it usually means someone's about to ask for a favor.

I think most people who've been taken advantage of in such a situation would tend to be suspicious of overly generous strangers, especially when the generosity falls far outside the social norm.

u/doc_samson · 2 pointsr/learnmath

Depends on what you are looking for. You might not be aware that the concepts in that book are literally the foundations of math. All math is (or can be) essentially expressed in set theory, which is based on logic.

You want to improve math reasoning, you should study reasoning, which is logic. It's really not that hard. I mean, ok its hard sometimes but its not rocket science, its doable if you dedicate real time to it and go slowly.

Two other books you may be interested in instead, that teach the same kinds of things:

Introduction to Mathematical Thinking which he wrote to use in his Coursera course.

How to Prove It which is often given as the gold standard for exactly your question. I have it, it is fantastic, though I only got partway through it before starting my current class. Quite easy to follow.

Both books are very conversational -- I know the second one is and I'm pretty sure the first is as well.

What books like this do is teach you the fundamental logical reasoning and math structures used to do things like construct the real number system, define operations on the numbers, and then build up to algebra step by step. You literally start at the 1+1=2 type level and build up from there by following a few rules.

Also, I just googled "basic logic" and stumbled across this, it looks like a fantastic resource that teaches the basics without any freaky looking symbols, it uses nothing but plain-English sentences. But scanning over it, it teaches everything you get in the first chapter or two of books like those above. http://courses.umass.edu/phil110-gmh/text/c01_3-99.pdf

Honestly if I were starting out I would love that last link, it looks fantastic actually.

u/baconandicecreamyum · 1 pointr/istp

I apologize in advance that I tend to go background then point instead of just straight to the point. Also this is going to be long with tangents because that's the only way I know how to speak. I don't write or think in a linear format.

Hmm. I'm typically the opposite but I no longer have friends (they all faded away). I spend half of my week with my SO and half at home where I live with my parents and pets. I work remotely. I'm almost 30. Also, bare in mind, I have anxious-preoccupied attachment, as I recently learned from the highly recommended book, Attached (Paperback Kindle ).

Warnings aside, I think I can still provide some insight into possibly what night be going on and in my personal experience as a person with an INFJ personality.

She might feel like she needs to invest a lot of time and energy into other people. Maybe that's where she gets her perceived or internal value from. We tend to try to resolve others' issues and keep peace or maintenance/harmony going. She may be externally focused on others to hide from things she doesn't like about herself or hasn't forgiven herself for. She may have a strong "I don't want to miss anything!" feeling/current need. If something means the most to me, I cope by avoiding it. (Eg replying to an important email) I feel like I need to give my subconscious time to process it before I can properly act.

I also have a need to look externally and see what others think and feel about something, anything, before I know my opinion. I feel the need to be "properly informed." Whether that means validation - I'm not crazy, its okay to feel this way or do that. Or, "okay, others think that way. Hmm, not exactly how I feel. That's interesting that I don't agree so now I know."

My thinking happens without me knowing it. I rarely know my thoughts. I am unable (as of yet) to speak my thoughts. I have to write or type them. And then, I don't know them until it's out there.

I am always amazed when someone notices that I'm feeling off. My SO picks up on it right away and is all "what's wrong!?" I don't know at that point or I don't want to get into it for whatever reason. I don't want to say something that comes out inaccurately and then it's a mess. I used to not know when I was stressed unless a friend told me.

I rehearse my thoughts until I can get the best wording. Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. And if I could have prevented it? That's the worst.

We're prone to perfectionism, especially in ourselves. I have rarely lived up to my own standards but I've come a long way since I was a kid on this. If I disappoint someone or there's an inkling, I am in pieces internally.

We are very good at figuring out others (a good number of those in psychology and social work see INFJs) and are interested in figuring out ourselves but lack the ability to put things into words when it comes to our emotions.

Have you tried emailing her? I suggest that over chat so she has time to process and respond. I'ld be willing to read it over and recommend possible word adjustments if you'ld like. I've had plenty of practice taking what someone writes and turning it into what they might mean. No worries if not though.

I hope this helps! :) I know I branched out a lot. I apologize for that. I hope at least some of it was insightful.


u/Malechus · 6 pointsr/polyamory

As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.

You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.

You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.

There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.

Best of luck to you and yours, OP!

u/Makorbit · 58 pointsr/socialskills

I understand the 'put my foot down' mentality you're going for, but from what you've written it comes off as coming from a place of insecurity. Yes you have to establish boundaries for what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly you have to recognize when you're doing things reactionarily to others or if you're truly acting out of self respect. The author Ayn Rand discusses this concept in Fountainhead,

&gt;"Others dictated his convictions, which he did not hold, but he was satisfied that others believed he held them. Others were his motive power and his prime concern. He didn’t want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn’t want to build, but to be admired as a builder." Fountainhead Chapter IX, Part 4, pp. 605

Are you doing things to show others you have self-respect and boundaries, boundaries which are defined by reactions of others, or do you have self-defined boundaries developed out of self-respect.

I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism rather than an attack on your person.

Ok let's be real for a second. You were fairly invested in her and she didn't reciprocate. She sent some signals of disinterest that you picked up on 'acting distant and not making an effort to message me', then she sent a soft rejection, 'I'm busy' (I'm guessing she didn't propose another time by saying something like 'I'm busy but I can do this Saturday').

Because you were still invested in her, you pushed through the indicators and tried to get her to return investment in you by [demonstrating value] initiating conversation, cracking jokes and being nice. She didn't respond for a few weeks and then you 'put your foot down' and unfriended her. That's not establishing boundaries, that's acting reactionarily out of a place of insecurity.

Let's talk about what you could've done differently, and the underlying mindset behind what you did in comparison.

  • I don't know how the date actually went, clearly there was a different perception of how the date went. Let's skip that since there's no way of figuring it out.
  • She said she was busy and didn't make an effort to reschedule. This is often the biggest hint you will get, you can't blame girls for doing this rather than being upfront because A) EDIT: Most guys take rejection poorly, and some guys are actually psycho B) You expect them to be confrontational exclusively your benefit. By continuing to message her, and demonstrating value, all you're doing is sending the message 'I'm socially tone deaf. I'm needy and invested in you so I'm trying to show I have value so you return investment'. Instead you could've said "Hey I had a great time with you, you know how to reach me if you wanna meet up again.' then just walked away. That comes from a place of 'This genuine, I have the social grace to recognize your disinterest and respect it, I value myself and haven't invested too much into you but I think you're interesting so let me know if you change your mind, otherwise I'm doing my own thing".
  • When she becomes unresponsive after a 'I'm busy', it's 100% clear she's not interested, You 'put your foot down' and unfriended her... what you really did was try to show her that you have boundaries and 'punish' her by unfriending her in a, quite honestly, petty juvenile way. If we're brutally honest, she probably didn't have you on her mind during those few weeks, and you unfriending her is you making yourself feel better about the whole situation in a vindictive manner that she probably didn't notice. You already wasted your time by brushing past her disinterest signals, that's on you.
  • In a comment below you said 'There’s a girl there who is cute and she asked to hang out with me and I said I was busy even though I wasn’t 😅'. Seriously dude? That's a little cringy. You're playing games and being disingenuous to demonstrate value. It's a move that comes out of insecurity, 'I'll pretend I'm busier than I actually am."

    Here are a few books which I think may be helpful for you to read.

    Subtle art of not giving a fuck

    Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
u/JohnCthulhu · 2 pointsr/comics

Increasing the gutter space will definitely be a huge help.

Also, some of the confusion /u/takvertheseawitch is talking about is due to the fact that in the first two panels, the 'camera' is pointing at one side of the characters, only for it to abruptly switch sides in the third panel. That's a big narrative no-no, as it makes it seem like the characters have suddenly swapped positions, which is quite jarring.

Also, an art question: are you able to draw traditionally and then scan in your work? Because I think it is very, very important to learn to draw with basic pencil/pen &amp; paper before you focus entirely on digital.

Keep in mind that I love good digital art, and have a huge respect for those who are adept at it. In fact, some of my favourite comic artists of all time work all-digital (Brian Bolland being a great example). However, I believe that artists should learn to at least be able to do the basics on paper before they make the jump to digital. Some may disagree with me on that, but the vast majority of those who are great at all-digital learned their craft with analogue tools.

Basically, to use a clichéd adage: you've got to learn to walk before you can run.

Also, I highly (highly) recommend you check out the excellent Scott McCloud book, 'Understanding Comics.' It's an essential read for anyone who wants to get into drawing comics, and will help you understand a large variety of visual storytelling techniques.

Oh, and you'd also be amazed what you can learn just by reading the comic work of others. The next time you sit down to read a comic that you enjoy, pay really close attention to how the panels are laid out, how the art is done in each panel. See what works, what doesn't. Look at the page not only as a series of separate panels, but also consider the page as a whole; how do the various panels work together to create a satisfying whole? I read comics nearly every night before bed and, sometimes without even realising it, I subconsciously pick up new things that help me in my craft.

The best of luck with your work!

EDIT: Also, study Wally Wood's 22 Panels that Work and The Disney Comic Artist Tool Kit like your life depends on it.

u/stainedglasshouse · 5 pointsr/LifeProTips

Good question. I always have cinnamon on hand because it works great in both savory and sweet dishes. Also a great way to cut back on sugar, which I have been doing recently. Smoked paprika is amazing because you it works great in barbecue, and with tomato or lemon. Whole cumin because they can be used either way, and it is an irreplaceable flavor in many dishes. Basil and rosemary because they seem to work in a lot of things. Garlic powder because you can throw it on just about anything and it will be good. If you tend not to keep dijon mustard on hand, mustard powder is always good. Whole nutmeg because those things last forever. Thyme is really good; try lemon thyme. Ginger is a lot of fun. Allspice is really good too with both meats and pastries. Fresh lemons or limes are really good. Onions and peppercorns are a must in every kitchen. Don't buy ground pepper. Taste is lost completely.

Best thing to do is pick spices and herbs that span a couple of different types of cuisine that way you aren't having to buy a lot of specialty herbs and spices for nights you want something inspired by Spanish cuisine or Middle Eastern. If you have an extra 20 or 30 bucks, I suggest buying The Flavor Bible. You will learn a lot about flavors and which ones play well in a lot of different dishes.

u/YuleTideCamel · 3 pointsr/learnprogramming

Follow interesting people on twitter, ready up on development subreddits to get a grasp. These are useful for keeping a pulse on what's new.

As for learning, go to local user groups and technology meetups. Most cities have them and these events are a cheap and good way to learn from you peers.

Go to local code camps in your area (again these are becoming more popular). It's worth taking a weekend to go and learn new stuff. Also keep an eye out for one off developer events. In my area we always have something going on.

See if your company will pay for you to go to paid conferences.

Lastly get a Pluralsight subscription, it's worth its weight in gold and will teach you a ton of technology. They're constantly adding new stuff by industry experts.

Don't make getting a leadership position your goal, instead focus on becoming a good developer. Don't just learn new buzzwords or technologies, but try to understand how to write good clean code. Learn about unit and refactoring and in time you will move up the chain and you'll see new job offers all the time.

A few books you might want to read:

  • Clean Code a great book on how to write better code, maintainable code.

  • The Clean Coder - Not code related, but how to be a professional programmer

  • Domain Driven Design

  • Head First Design Patterns

    There are more obviously, but these are a few good generic books. If you are going into a specific area (like front end dev or javascript) there are a ton of specialized books on those topics. Read the latest ones there.

    All in all, technology will change, but having a good programming foundation and understanding what is going on (not just using a framework) will allow you to easily pick up new skills as they arise.

    I've been a professional developer close to 15 years and I'm always learning something new and that's just how I like it :)

    Edit: I forgot to add, work on personal projects , open source projects and practice practice practice. I do a lot of code katas and koans, like on a regular basis. Even simple intro katas often help.
u/blissando · 4 pointsr/chickflixxx

For learning about sexuality in general I also recommend the following reading material, post haste!

  • Oh Joy Sex Toy (Comic blog that started out with reviewing sex toys and evolved into that + thoughtful discussion about multiple aspects of sex including depiction of people in porn, body image, anatomy, psychology of desire, etc.!). They also have their comics bound into an illustrated multi-volume work (and growing!). 1. The Comic! 2. Online store. 3. Vol 1. &amp; Vol 2. via Amazon Smile (Supporting Planned Parenthood).

  • Dr. Emily Nagoski's epic Come As You Are, a book that debunks sexual myths and seeks to create a new feminist framework for understanding and exploring sexuality. It includes psych and physiological research, anecdotes from Nagoski's time working in sex therapy and counseling, thoughtful discussion on the state of sex in our world today, and ~BONUS~ handy worksheets/activities for working through some sexual questions. I love love love LOVE this book. 1. Check out her blog too, The Dirty Normal. 2. Book Info. 3. Amazon Smile link (supporting Planned Parenthood.)

  • Even if your friend is straight, Girl Sex 101 is a great illustrated guide to sex and sexuality, also from a feminist and gender/orientation/lifestyle-inclusive perspective. It walks you through anatomy, practice, nuts/bolts of sex, and so many of the important emotional concepts having to do with sex. It's broken up into chapters covering a range of topics from sex and sexuality to gender and relationships, with input from multiple authors and illustrators, includes really helpful diagrams and illustrations, and in between each chapter has a story narrative centered around 2 female characters that relates back to the material. Such a great read. 1. Check out their website. 2. Native Store link. 3. Amazon Smile link (supporting Planned Parenthood.)

    ---------

    Sex, sexuality, and porn especially can be tricky topics to navigate when you haven't engaged with much material, and when you're not sure about yourself and sex. Before tackling porn, which as your friend has aptly picked up on can be very ideologically problematic, I would recommend your friend get comfortable with just herself and her own sexuality. Have her do her own research, reading, exploring. Let her figure out what she likes.

    When she's up for it, for more inclusive porn, start trawling tumblr! She'll be able to really tailor her experience and curate her tastes, without having to commit to watching things she might not be comfortable with. There is some serious quality erotica on there, mostly in .gif and photographic form, most of it original, which is inclusive, feminist, empowering, artistic, and just down right sexy. You'll have to hunt for the blogs you like (and be warned, there is still a lot of tumblr porn which just parrots the mainstream professional porn industry content) but once you find one, you'll find that blogs with similar content link/repost to each other.

    Anyway, good luck to you and your friend! Power to you for trying to help with her experience! :) Happy hunting
u/BleedingTeal · 1 pointr/askwomenadvice

Guy here. First off, I'm very sorry you are in the position that you are. It can be very challenging for a partner of someone who has such a large issue within themselves. And it's heartbreaking to hear how you speak of your wife while understanding she likely doesn't realize how deeply you feel for her.

I have to wonder if she doesn't have body dysmorphia. Given the things you've described here with how she is with regards to nudity with you and what would otherwise be a relatively non-issue with her dress, it would seem plausible that may be the case with your wife. Though I'm certainly no expert, so I could be very much speaking out of my ass so don't take that as much more than a guess.

Like has been mentioned therapy for her and for the both of you seems like the right approach. Also, like has been mentioned showering her with compliments could be interpreted both as a positive and a negative. So it may be wise to avoid that approach as a full bore method forward. It's also worth noting that while some of the things she says, like the comment as you left the room after the incident with her dress, likely isn't her so much as a defensive reaction. I know this will be much easier said than done, but try to not take those kinds of things personally. Instead it may be better to think and react based on why she would say that and respond from that position. To react almost as if you didn't hear the words she said, but the feeling she expressed such as shame and fear. But no matter what, communication is so critical particularly in difficult situations like this. Just remember to communicate how YOU feel and how what she did made YOU feel. When you own your feelings and you express them she won't react and respond from a position of defense. Given how she's been as you described, that sounds like a very dark place for things to go to.

I may be butchering writing out my thinking, but I'm hopeful that all makes sense. I read a book which I think could be helpful for you called Attached. It's about attachment types both for you and for your partner, as well as what behaviors can be exhibited and what causes them. The best way I can describe it is in conjunction with Love Languages. Love Languages give you the X and Y on who you are, what you like and dislike. Attached, at least for me, gave me the Z or depth to that. So not just who I am or what I like and dislike, but the why behind it. Why I reacted certain ways to certain situations. For me it was transformative. Suddenly the last 15 years of my love life made sense. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;psc=1

Regardless, I hope that your wife and in turn your marriage is able to find a healthier place of existing and that you can both become more connected and trusting of each other as the recent moments that have been a challenge for you both begin to be further and further behind you.

u/Gazzellebeats · 5 pointsr/LetsGetLaid

&gt;I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.


I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.


Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.


&gt;I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.


Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.


If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.


&gt;I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.


Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.


&gt;Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.


Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.


Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:

The Selfish Gene

The Moral Landscape

The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined

Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?


Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

The Female Brain

The Male Brain

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

What Do Women Want

Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)

Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed


Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:

How Pleasure Works

Freakonomics

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

Thinking Fast And Slow

We Are All Weird


Developmental Psychology:

Nurture Shock

Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives


Empathy Building:


Half The Sky

The House On Mango Street

Me Before You

The Fault In Our Stars

Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.



Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.



All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.

u/GreyCorrellation · 1 pointr/lds

I know that a lot of folks in this thread have come down on you for coming across like an opinionated jerk. Frankly, I don't blame them. I can see their side too. That being said, I also understand how hard it is to go to church when you feel different, or picked on, or even more enlightened than everyone else (that's just another way of being different).

Mormons have been raised with the idea that we should influence the behavior of others with scripture and doctrine. We have stories of prophets that call people to repentance, and risk personal injury to ensure that they get the Word out. We're not all supposed to be Samuel. Today we are definitely expected to live in a geographically determined ward and interact congenially with other members. Going down in a blaze of fiery rhetoric defending the truth doesn't help the fact that you still have to show up to church next week. Believe me, I'm sure you and I don't agree on lots of things, but this is one thing we can probably agree on.

Redditors are infatuated with the idea that logic and reason will always win the day. "If you don't agree with my logically sound argument and immediately change your behavior and opinion then you are sub-human." The real world, and real human beings don't work that way. Show me a scripture that directly contradicts my belief and my first reaction is not to change my belief, but to do the mental gymnastics necessary to justify my world-view. If I don't personally like you, I'll entrench myself even further. If I don't trust you, even worse. If I don't see myself as similar to you, still worse. If I don't know you well and think you're overstepping a social barrier, you guessed it. Logic always loses in the short-term.

You're a Mormon and a Redditor (so am I). I'm not making any claim as to how well you fit the stereotypes I've outlined here.

I also am familiar with statements made by general authorities indicating that the study of the gospel can more quickly change behavior than the study of behavior can. I take issue with this idea. I am absolutely sure that in SOME circumstances this is the case. I do not trust this as a blanket statement for every behavior in every situation. I also don't see it as a justification for trying to get someone to change their beliefs or behavior more quickly than they should. (My recommendations for influencing these people won't work after just one Sunday School class.) That is usually catastrophic.

&gt;Nothing really. I'm reasonably polite in church, but I've never really been good at socializing outside of the ward by inviting people to dinner, parties, etc.

Please don't be insulted when I tell you that this was my assumption. Most members are this way. I would also hazard to guess that most members don't have the social influence they wish they had. If you really want to change the behavior and even belief systems of the people in your ward you're not going to do it without some significant social influence. Unfortunately, it's going to take some work, and it's probably not the kind of work you're used to or good at.

You've obviously got a good handle on the scriptures, church doctrine, testimony, and desire. When I read the quote above from your statement I can see exactly where this is going to go wrong. Reasonably polite is not enough. Not being good at socializing on a non-church level is suicide if you want to confront these people. My first piece of advice is to not confront them yet. When something controversial comes up, bow your head and shut up! You first need to build a social bank account with them. Then you can start to make withdrawals!

What if you could confront these people at some future time when they liked you, saw themselves as similar to you, trusted you as an authority, and felt indebted to you? I promise you'll get a different result.

Where do you start? Food. It works. Maybe you don't believe in evolution, so you might have to come up with another way to justify this, but sharing food is the first secret. We're built to do this. We wouldn't have survived what we've been through without other humans sharing food with us. It's hardwired into our psyche. Food brings us together. It allows us to socialize. It makes others indebted to us. It makes others like us, even if we see each other as different, and we start to see each other as more similar when we share food.

Next step? Go read this book. (I promise it won't turn you into a liberal mormon.) Already read it? Great, go read it four more times. Think about every single point he makes and how it applies to the situation you're in. I influence people's behavior for a living and credit this book with getting me my start.

Food and a cool book that you'll love? Sounds pretty easy so far. The hard part is creating the social bank account. You've got to go out and do the stuff, and you've got to do it with lots of people, and you've got to be patient while you build the deposits in the account. This bank doesn't offer a line of credit. You don't have the money, you don't get to spend it.

&gt;This thread is expressing my anxiety over the almost assured prospect that such confrontations will occur.

You're right. It will happen. Your anxiety will also make it worse. Work on the anxiety and you'll have more patience to avoid an explosive encounter.

If all you want is to feel morally justified that you're right and the other members are wrong, and you're willing to take a stand for what's right and absorb their fiery darts, by all means, confront them this weekend. If, instead, what you really want is to change their behavior and belief system, then you'll have to take the long route. You're opinions are too far apart right now and you don't have enough social influence yet to bridge the gap. It won't work, whether you're version of "the truth" is right or theirs is, it just won't work.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I'm good at this, and think that I can be of help. Don't want to push more advice than is wanted.

&gt;I was thinking about hiring a bodyguard to come to church with me. I think he'll help me intimidate the cowards if he's big enough.

I'd like to apply for the job.

u/violinplayer · 3 pointsr/violinist

Jaap Schroder wrote a book detailing his study of the Solo violin works, and he's recorded the concertos as well. That's a good place to begin. There are some really brilliant insights that most students would never consider.

Don't get caught up thinking you are handcuffed and can only imitate an anemic baroque style or a warbly, romantic style. This video is one sort of hybrid, where the soloist and conductor are very aware of performance practice, but modern instruments and techniques are relied upon heavily. Remember that no recordings exits before 1900ish. There's still a lot of personal judgment in a good historically informed performance.

There are many great Bach interpretations, and you should listen to many recordings (Grumiaux is often held in high esteem, and Schroder, as good models) to find out where your preferences lie. You should attempt to play with all sorts of expressive devices (Non vib, lots of decay, faster bow, different bow strokes, bowing patterns, holding the bow higher, gut strings?, baroque bow) and find out what you have to say about Bach. I think any successful interpretation will at least have two major things: a tremendous sense of line (form, rhythm, a large-scale view) and an expressive use of the tone color (bright, warm, deep, thick, feathery, etc.).

Leopold Mozart also wrote a treatise on violin playing. In terms of playing style, he was more familiar with the Baroque than with the music of W.A mozart. He wrote about a sense of "affect" in Baroque music. He wrote that overall, there is one overriding feeling that should come across in Barque works (especially dances and binary form movements.) In the E major Bach, I bet it would be helpful to decide what the "affect" is for each movement. Is there only one, is the narrative single-minded? More simply, come up with something other than "happy" or "sad."

Don't let anyone tell you Bach was a stodgy, strict person. He was ridiculously smart, as shown by his ability to improvise multi-voice fugues. Hofstader wrote eloquently about Bach's puzzles and intellectualism. He was a jokester - the crab canon and the Coffee Cantata or good examples. He was sometimes compensated for his work with large amounts of beer. Bach had somewhere around 20 children, about half of which survived childhood. Bach was a very complex person, with lots of life experience. Don't let a careless caricature influence how you think about his music.

u/2in_the_bush · 8 pointsr/polyamory

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

u/antagonisticjam · 6 pointsr/relationships

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!