Reddit mentions: The best codepedency books

I feel you. This happened to me so many times, but with each relationship I was able to recover a little bit more of myself and establish more of my own boundaries. The fact that you have realized it is getting you much closer to those relationships that you want to have! Nice work.

This is what I would recommend; TLDR, it is very important to take care of your self and your esteem. After this, all will follow. I wrote a gigantic post because what you've described above is pretty much what I've been battling against most of my life.

Self-care

1. Do you like yourself? What do you like about yourself? Try celebrating this every day, or whenever you can. Doesn't have to be every day.
   
2. Make a bucket list. What are the things you want to do by the time you die? This could literally be anything; my bucket list includes items like "master a particular skill" and "have an orgy". Doesn't have to be "serious", it's just what you want to do with you life.
   
3. Spend time dressing yourself up. Find clothes that make you feel good, make you feel attractive. Pay attention to your body. If you haven't updated your wardrobe or your hair in a while, try and do those things. Find some kind of exercise that you enjoy, and try and stick with it: it will make a change in your body before long! If you have problems with nutrition, do some reading and figure out where you should make dietary changes.
   
4. Try to revisit your hobbies, or any kind of thing that makes you feel happy; relaxing, sitting on a park bench on a nice day, etc. etc. Doesn't matter if it is "time wasting", just that it makes you feel good. Do anything that gets you back into your body: take a nice shower or bath, breathe deep, take a walk.
   
5. Think about whether, in addition to co-dependency, you may also be battling either anxiety or depression (if you were raised by a narcissist, chances are high). Do some reading, I recommend these two books: http://amzn.to/1pipLrF ESPECIALLY, also http://amzn.to/1zfgOnb Both books teach you about self-care, managing your boundaries and emotions, and breaking out of familiar patterns. I found the co-dependency book relevant even though I'm not a person who is actively trying to control other people; I still had the other behaviors, like taking care of people too much.
   
6. Read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child (available free here: http://bit.ly/1gJPQPk). This book is about how kids raised by narcissists generally have a lot of trouble seeing themselves and seeing their own needs. They construct a false self for their parents, and then learn that the false self -- nice, accomplished, supportive, always there, without expressive impulses (including "negative" emotions like anger or boredom) -- is more valued than their True Self -- i.e. who they are, as a human being, with their complete range of emotions, impulses, and desires for expression.
   
7. Learn about how to communicate assertively.
   
8. Learn to not apologize for existing, for taking up space, having needs. There's nothing to apologize for you, because you are, you are a human with Maslow's hierarchy like all the other humans!
   
9. Do things for yourself every day, just because you want to do them.
   
10. Make sure you're getting adequate sleep, food, exercise, sunlight.
    
    
    Now, as for setting boundaries:
    
    1.) Hang out with the friends that you like (or mostly like). Think about why you like them.
    
    2.) Think about moments where your friends do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don't dismiss your feelings, explore them. Examples:
    
    

• Friend seems like she only wants to hang out whenever she decides.
  
• Feeling third wheeled by two or more friends.
  
• Always letting others decide activities because you don't think they will value yours.
  
• Friend does something which makes you angry, or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable (like hitting on you, or maybe making an off color joke, or condoning something you don't like)
  
• Feelings of tagging along, or side kicking, or taking care of other people
  
• Feeling like you have to be the "loyal" one
  
• Being made to feel guilty, or pressured into an activity; being made to feel like your time is less important
  
  3.) Think about why these moments (or others) make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe make a list of past moments. Think about what you would do if you were being assertive -- not aggressive, but accurately and forwardly communicating your feelings.
  
  
• Suggest activities to your friend who wants to control the situation/only wants to hang out when she decides; if she declines, or continues to act uninterested, be up front on how her behavior makes you feel.
  
• If feeling third wheeled, hang out with different friends. There are other people around, and it is definitely hard to expand social structures, but it's possible!!
  
• Make a list of activities that you prefer, and then propose them. If your friends aren't interested, find a meetup for people that are interested in those kinds of things, and then do them! You will find one or two people that you like.
  
• Tagging along, or side kicking: remember that you are valuable. Take value in yourself. Don't hang around with people who may see you as less; meet new people and then set boundaries with them. I.e. if they are late to things and you don't like lateness, let them know that you are a little upset. If they treat your personal possessions with disrespect, let them know it. If they make assumptions about you that are wrong, or say things to put you down, let them know it and that you do not like it. Doing this helps set healthy boundaries with people for the future, and sets up respect. When people need your compassion later, for the REAL issues, you can be there to take care of them. But in the meantime, no need to be their butler or the ever sympathetic person. And if they try to make you feel bad about asserting yourself or having these feelings, rest easy, laugh at their behavior, and find other friends.
  
• Friends who do or say things that make you angry or uncomfortable: confront them about it assertively, as soon as it happens. Don't be nervous about it: if you are concerned that this person will threaten physical violence, then I wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Don't worry that they will leave you: if they leave you, oh well! You still have Team yellowpencils. Team yellowpencils is who you have now and it's who you will have until you die, and it's the most important team in the world. Learn to love your team and always be on your own side. (For the nitpickers, this doesn't mean turn out to be a sociopath or never know when to own responsibility for one's actions and mistakes; just that you must, at the end of the day, love and care for yourself).
  
• Feeling that you have to be the "loyal" one: forget this feeling. If someone is manipulating you and putting you down, while still asking for your sacrifices, tell them how they make you feel and then, most likely, leave. People like this assume you're easy to victimize, or will never confront them. You have more power than you know.
  
• Feeling pressured, being made to feel guilty: no one has a right to your time above and beyond you. You don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting to spend time by yourself or to do activities with other people. If someone wants you to do something which is against your personal code of ethics, remember that the social costs of doing so are most likely outweighed by the personal benefits of staying true to Team yellowpencils.
  4.) Consider ending friendships with people whom you really like (for their personality, for instance) but who obviously do not value your time or do not respect you as a person.
  
  
  Making NEW friends:
  
  1.) My personal strategy is, follow the energy. If I am getting positive vibes from people; if I am enjoying their company without feeling compromised; if there is a give and take in the relationship from BOTH sides; I continue it. If there is not, I drop it quietly before I'm in the friendship/relationship too much.
  2.) If you are noticing old patterns show up in new friends:
  
  
• try and recognize old patterns, first off.
  
• Try to figure out where the other person is bending or crossing boundaries. Think about what kind of person you're being routinely attracted to: do they look like your narcissistic parent? Remember that in order to get new friends, you do NOT have to offer a "perfect" friendship where you are never mad and always attending to their needs.
  
• Start calling out these new friends on their bullshit earlier: you just may turn the relationship around.
  
• Move on: If you feel like this person may just be too similar to past narcissistic friendships, or they are crossing too many boundaries, even though you have tried to talk to them about it.
  
• Try and act like how you want to be treated from day one. This doesn't mean, waiting to call someone out on their bullshit until you know what to expect from them: this means doing it immediately. Your survival skills that you learned from your narcissistic parent, like controlling your feelings now, observing, waiting, hiding, confronting when things are "safe" (let's be honest, they were never safe) are no longer necessary, because you are in a new phase of your life where survival no longer has to be the top priority: your happiness is.
  
  3.) Accept good will. Wherever someone wants to support you, or help you, and you're getting the good energy vibes: be not afraid, explore this a bit. Learn to extend your trust to someone who wants to help. People get quite a bit from helping others out. Let someone help you for a change.
  4.) Act in a friendship how you want to act, not how you think others will like. You'll meet people who like what you are, that you never expected! Accept that not everyone will like who you are or will like your choices.
  5.) Sometimes you're still gonna get burned.
  
  Since I've made the above changes, I've been happier and have seen a definite increase in the quality of my relationships and the quality of the people I meet and hang out with. I have a better sense of my own boundaries and sense of self. That isn't to say I've totally battled away anxiety or depression, or falling for narcissistic relationships: just have to keep my focus and keep working on my self-care. The more I practice this stuff, the more it becomes instinctual; this will be true for you too.
  
  Hope this helps!

Woah dude. First you need to step back and do some reassessment of things in your life. It's possible you have some sort of clinical depression and if so, go to the doctor and work on it. Whether it's just talking through things or some medicine-- there's no shame in getting better, or having been sad, in the past, because we're leaving this behind us.

First we have to assess what your perceived problems are. Nothing wrong with having problems, only in not solving those problems. Fat-- there's a diet for that. Weak-- there's a workout for that. Ugly-- well you can't change your facial symmetry much but you can work on your style and haircut, your grooming. Poor-- there's capitalism for that. Family life not great-- well, you can't change who they are but you can change how you interact with them, you can take note of issues and learn how to make things better for your family one day.

Now, onto this female quagmire we seem to be sinking in. I've been exactly where you are, it lasted for about the time from maybe 8th grade to about when I was in 10th or 11th over one girl. Guess what-- it wasn't worth feeling like shit all the time. She wasn't worth my feeling like shit. No one is. She's a fine person but I mean, she's married to some creepy band director with a soul patch who's 12 years older than her while I'm clearly awesome now.

You seem to be going about this backwards. First, love really needs to be a mutual understanding between two parties for it to be love. If you think it feels bad(again, I'm speaking from experience) wait till you have that mutual understanding and the other party severs ties. It sucks, it hurts, I was in severely depressed for about a year(different girl from one in school) and beat myself up all the time, lost weight, gained weight, looked and felt bad. She wasn't worth it, again, she's a fine person but now she's... wait-- I don't even know what she's doing now because she's not worth my time and I don't give a fuck anymore. It's called perspective and it comes with age and experience and stepping back from the situation and evaluating things from outside of your emotions. You can do it, all you have to do is try.

See, the thing about women is, and this may not be the best way to phrase it, but it's about respect with them. They want a man(I'm assuming you're a guy) who they respect and who others, friends and general public also respect. To get said respect you must first respect yourself. Not in a narcissistic sense, but a healthy self-esteem.

So take a step back and assess yourself and life. There's going to be some weak spots or things you're not happy with-- everyone has those-- but you're going to target the ones you can do something about and you're going to improve them.

There's going to be some really good qualities and aspects about your person as well. You're probably pretty intelligent-- congratulations. You have a skill or quality that a lot of other people don't-- congratulations. Relish in these things, they're what make you you. These are why you're not going to be depressed anymore. Sharpen and hone them into the weapons you use everyday to make life and the world your bitch. You are now a one man army out to conquer the world and the things in it you want to achieve.

So just forget about this girl for a little while and just focus on yourself, no one else will focus on you until you do. I know it seems weird but it's true. You think Obama or Teddy Roosevelt got elected feeling bad about themselves? Think Clooney goes home everyday and says "I'm attractive enough but Batman & Robin was terrible?" No, look at his list of romantic endeavors. That comes from sure, his looks, but because he believed in himself head out to Hollywood and casting rooms and work his way to the top. He had a goal and he worked towards it, he made it his bitch. He had confidence and believed in himself, then other believed in him and his abilities.

So, for the next month, and this won't be easy, forget about this girl. Stop wasting time on her. That's what every moment you spend thinking about her, but not acting on it is, wasted time. First of all, she may be breathtaking-- but guess what-- there's idk, a million other women on earth who are on par with her. They're out there whether you know it or not. So, she's probably a nice person-- but she's not the only one out there.

While you're not thinking about her this next month you're going to focus on yourself. You're going to asses your strengths and witnesses, what you genuinely like about yourself and what you would like to improve upon. Then you're going to physically write down a plan of action on how to sharpen all of these strengths and witnesses. Nothings going to just fall in your lap. It takes a concerted effort.

If you still want to think about it from the aspect of a breathtaking girl-- make a plan to become the man she deserves, the man who takes her breath away. A breath taking girl needs a strong, secure man right? You don't want people saying "Wow, how did he score her?" you want them looking and saying "That makes sense."

But don't focus one any one girl, just focus on the idea of the girl you want to be with. A companion worthy of your love and commitment. That's who you're doing this for, this yet unknown beauty-- but most of all you're doing this for yourself. You are all you really have in life right?

Try and think about it from a female perspective. What do you think is more attractive. A nice, sweet guy, who says "Look, I'm a nice person, and, I don't really deserve you, you're way out of my league, you're so pretty and I'm really not, but, I promise I'll love you and treat you right, if you just choose me." I've been this guy before. Or, do you think a girl would more likely choose a guy who said "I can have get any girl I want, just by the virtue of being a guy who works for what he wants, and out of all of these women I could date-- I'm choosing you"

What's funny is, and I know from personal experience this really happens. As soon as you start focusing on the things you want out of life. The person you are and want to become. You start doing the things to get you there and you stop worrying about getting one particular girl. Women will take notice of you. If you always pass this girl during the day at school or work and you kind of almost cower in her presence, blush, have a look on your face like "I'm not worthy" it's easy and no fun for her. Sure, it's flattering, but there's no thrill or chase in it for the girl. Instead walk by with your head high. Maybe you don't even notice her really because you're busy and got shit to do. This is much more interesting to a beautiful girl than someone just fawning over her. "Hmmm. He seems really driven. I wonder what he's working on. Did he notice me? I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. This guy is definitely interesting, he just seemed like he knew his place in the world and where he's going. It might be fun to talk to him and see why he's so seems so sure"

The second one is what we're going for. It's a game man, just have fun. Make it fun for the girls. Don't give them everything right out of the box. Add some spark, some mystery. Keep her guessing if you like her, if you think she's pretty, be spontaneous "What is this crazy guy going to say next that makes he snort when I laugh"

A lot of people probably read your comment and rolled their eyes. Some because they can't relate, some because like me, they cringed because they knew the exact pain and inner turmoil you feel every day when this happens.

I wrote this whole thing, which I hope is cogent(I've been up for 23 hours) not because you deserve it. Not because I owe it to you because you're a nice guy. If you think like that you'll just keep getting ignored and run over. I wrote this because I was you. Life is just what you make it. You can focus on the shitty stuff or you can focus on achieving the things you want in life and becoming the kind of guy you respect in the world-- and have fun while doing it.

Read this. http://i.imgur.com/1cYyZ.jpg

Check out this book. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 It opened my eyes up to a lot of stuff and I've been passing it around to my friends as well. If you want you can PM me you're address and I'll mail you a copy, just because I'm an amazing person like that.

There's a lot of subreddit's which may help you out. There's /r/Fitness if you want to get in shape. There's subreddits for educating yourself on all sorts of topics and improving your life. As far as women go you can check out /r/seduction, I know it sounds a little brash if you've never heard of it. But really it's mainly about respecting yourself, fixing the way you see the world and becoming a guy that women are attracted too.

You don't have to be sad anymore man, trust me.

You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.

Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.

The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.

You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.

> And I know this is not a competition.

You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.

So don't do that.

You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.

You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.

I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.

I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from Audible.com in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.

To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.

This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.

Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.

Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.

I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.

You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.

Yes, she doesn't have to have sex with the guy to have cheated on you. Dirty pics to another guy when she's dating someone is unacceptable and you need to let her know that. It's clearly hurting you, and as such it's not okay.

A few months ago I was in the same spot as you, I was a self-labeled "nice guy". I was feeling bad about it, I thought everyone were assholes and that I was the only decent human being in this world. This book, No More Mr Nice Guy! opened my eyes a bit to the issue of me, and it sounds like you're the same way. In summary, it describes that we're "nice" only because we expect things in return. You're nice and forgiving to your girlfriend, expecting a heartfelt apology for what she did and for her to never do it again. Here's the thing with me, I had done everything I had done in my life for 20 years, for other people. I hadn't realized this, and it sounds like you haven't either.

You have to live life for yourself and only yourself, you're the only one you can truly count on and you're the only person you have to live the rest of your life with. This gets said a lot on Reddit and in the subforums I visit, I'll name them at the end because they helped me and are continuing to help me: Don't give a fuck what other people think about you. The people who love you will love you no matter what. Don't do things for other people if you don't want to. You aren't being a dick, you're living your own life by your own rules. The people who matter will like you better for it, because now you're your own person. This doesn't mean you have to stop being nice, but be nice because you want to be nice.

I've felt like I've been stepped on for my entire life, it's a very very tough thing to fix and it won't come over night, so don't give up on it if you don't see results right away:

1. Be confident in who you are and what you want.
   
2. Be the person you want to be, the only thing stopping you is yourself.
   
3. Rid your life of negative people, this includes your girlfriend. Do this for you, not because I'm telling you. If you're hurt by your girlfriend and her reaction to you finding out was complacent, I recommend getting rid of her. She seems like a negative influence on your life and not someone you want around you. You want people who care about you, if she's sending dirty pictures to other guys, she doesn't care about you as she should. You won't be breaking her heart, she's already broken yours, I can tell it's eating you up inside even from this plain text on the internet. Make sure that's how you feel for yourself though, feel what you feel and don't try to hide your emotions or make excuses for her. It's about you, not her.
   
4. Get back into rock climbing, don't change your schedule or arrangements for anyone. If you get a new girlfriend, keep your hobbies and keep doing things for yourself. It's okay to share yourself a bit of course, but don't go overboard, it's natural that people start taking things for granted when they're always around. Keep your hobbies and do what you love to do, don't let others get in the way of that.
   
5. The best way to gain confidence is to fake confidence, more on this!
   
6. Speak clearly and forcefully if someone is trying to get you to do something. You don't owe them anything, you owe yourself everything. It's okay to do favors for people, but only if you truly want to.
   
7. The reason people step over people like us is because we let them, it's tough to get into the groove of not letting people. There will always be those people who will continue to try. That's okay, they're losing out on life and on your valuable friendship. Don't let them push you around and if you can, distance yourself from everyone like this. They don't deserve your attention and they're bad for you.
   
   Useful subreddits:
   
   /r/seduction Only in moderation, I disagree with their hump them and dump them approach due to my personal ideals, but they have great things to say about gaining confidence and not giving a shit.
   
   /r/DecidingtobeBetter A lot of useful articles are posted here, from job tips to life tips. It's an awesome place to check out.
   
   /r/GetMotivated My personal favorite, as I was in quite a slump a few months ago. Inspirational and corny, it does the trick and it's probably saved my life at least once. It's great for life slumps and I found myself doing stuff for myself as I read this subreddit. It's pretty awesome and the community will support you in your desire for a better you.
   

This is very important and serious stuff.

The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.

If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.

But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.

My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.

No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.

The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.

Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:

• get to a couples therapist. I hear that she doesn't want to, but if she wants to work on the relationship, that's how you do it. Remember that this is a joint decision; just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean it's off the table if YOU want it. Saying she wants to fix the relationship but doesn't want to go to a therapist is like saying you want to fix the car but don't want to involve a repairman.
  
• While you hunt for a therapist (and it takes some looking to find someone you both like/trust), look for books and resources that can give you ideas for where to direct your efforts. You should BOTH be doing this. Some good resources: marriagebuilders.com, the 5 love languages, marriedmansexlife.com, No More Mister Nice Guy. These resources helped me and my wife recover our relationship, and there are others. Read them together.
  
• Set a weekly meeting time to talk about how you've been feeling about each other over the last week. put it on the calendar, and go out of the house for the meeting. This is when you can talk about what seemed to work, and what didn't. What moments where she felt good, and when she didn't.
  
• recognize that this is your problem too: you guys have built a relationship where only one side is feeling the love, and TOGETHER you have to fix it so that both sides feel it. She is feeling the symptoms, she can help you figure out where some of the problems lie, but you both will have to work to fix it.
  
• Work on yourself. Take up a hobby that you've always wanted to do, and return to an old hobby that you haven't gotten to do in a long time. Take the time to do things for you, because you deserve it. These activities seem trivial, but they go a long way towards anchoring you in this difficult time.
  
• Last, but I have to say it: sometimes people say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" because they've found someone else who gives them a hormonal rush the way you don't anymore. If your gut is telling you to be jealous of a male friend of hers, trust it and do what it takes to satisfy YOURSELF that there's nothing going on there.
  
  Good luck, friend.

well now I have some time so buckle up.

/u/helpwiththisproblemp is a nice guy. Not a full-blown neckbeard fedora M'Lady but he has that mindset. Where men are only in 2 categories.. Nice Gentlemen like himself, and the Assholes who get the women to lust after them. I cant guess how this mindset starts, sometimes they live with a disgruntled single mother or an equally Nice father, but they're genuinely convinced that by being Nice, safe, bland, trustworthy and a good provider is the exact path into a woman's panties. "I'm Nice. I have a good job. I bring home the bacon, why isnt that dropping her panties, why isnt she showing her gratitude by giving me a blowjob, why are all those Musician/Artist/Biker Assholes getting all the pussy??"

They repress their sexual nature and urges so they're not "creepy, aggressive or gross, not like those Bikers" and well, they get Friendzoned. But they secretly want to be sexually confident and lusted after.

They have an equally "either/or" view of women. They're either sluts or Nice women. Nice demure women. Nice ladies, ladies who dont act like sluts. Once again, they secretly want their demure wife to act like a slut! (Sluts are great btw)

So everything is a covert contract. He asked for a blowjob but I bet his behaviour right up until then was as a polite demure gentleman, treating his nice demure wife with respect, because he's a Nice man he picked a nice demure lady didnt he. He got all excited when she mentioned deep-throating him, because that's what he secretly wanted, but he never encouraged her to be slutty from them on, so she relaxed and forgot about it. "He never followed up, never rewarded me for sexual behaviour, never acted like a confident sexy beast, so whatevs".

Advice - that no-one ever likes, cos apparently 'being offended on behalf of someone else' is a new national past-time, as is 'asking for advice but crying over the harsh truths and not changing a damn thing'

Stop being Nice and having covert contracts. Read this book and before you flip your shit, read the blurb, it's not for Neckbeards.

If you dont like reading books, watch some episodes of Lucifer, it's hilarious because if the actor was ugly it would be creepy and gross. But he's handsome, well-dressed and dashing, so he's confident, sexy, alluring and bold.

If you cant be bothered with either of those, at least grasp that people arent either/or. Men arent just Nice or Assholes. There's a sliding scale. Women who are happily ravaging their men are with good guys. Good, sexy, confident, non-assholes. And by happily I mean we are genuinely happy. Content with how sexy, decent and safe our partner is. We dont complain so you dont hear from us? just from the unhappy ones who are with real assholes I guess.

Women arent evil for being slutty. I'm sexually confident and adore doing filthy things with my partner. and I clean up nice to go to dinner with his friends.

cc /u/drreedrichards it seemed like you needed some stuff too.

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

Hi there, I feel you completely. There is someone I dated in my past that when we broke up, it was truly amicable. I was in the process of getting sober and I was so toxic that I had to end things, even though he was willing to stickit out. We have absolutely unconditional love for each other and from time to time, text each other. None of it is romantic, but he is someone I feel the safest I ever have in my life, and I think that speaks volumes as to how healthy (even though I was unhealthy) it was. I don't know if he's my soulmate. But I know we are riding parallel lives down the universe at this moment in time. Maybe we'll cross paths again, who knows, but I absolutely adore and respect him. He will forever have a special place in my heart, even if he marries someone else. (And it's come to light over time that I don't think we would have worked out had we continued dating)


Remember, love is freedom. Love is the ability to let people go to let them grow themselves. The tighter one grasps at something, the more likely both things will end up hurting. The fact that he is able to recognize what you need (even if you can't recognize it yourself) and give you time to heal is one of the most loving actions anyone can take. Even if you do not get back together (and who the HELL knows what happens), just take it one day at a time and really work on yourself NOT because you think if you do you will get back together with him, but because you legitimately want to work on it for yourself.

If you do this for him, you will create a disaster that will take you years to recover from... trust me, I made that mistake.

I really recommend getting this book to start out (link below). I have a lot of the same issues (never being single, always in a relationship, etc). The first 20 pages was life changing for me.

I WISH I had someone at 21 tell me this was what was going on. You will discover so much of your own self over the next few months/years/lifetime. Really, congratulations. It might be painful, but pain just means you have the opportunity to get stronger.

This is probably the most useful and meaningful thing that I can say about this recovery process: if you just let the universe unfold in front of you, you will discover yourself in the most beautiful journey, and you'll find the most incredible people, hear the most emotional stories, and uncover a life that most people don't get the opportunity to.


Best of luck, don't fear the unknown, embrace it with all of your heart.


https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535596447&sr=8-1&keywords=facing+love+addiction+by+pia+melody


​

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

>For the princess thing I very strongly recommend reading a book.

Amazing book... I used to do the same
thing you describe of not listening to my wife's body language when she is clearly not in a receptive mood. After 20 minutes of what you see as "giving", but she experiences as "bothering" or "just looking for sex", she's annoyed, and you're horny and feeling rejected. The book gives concrete actions to avoid this situation and drastically increase your odds of successfully initiating sex, while giving your wife the non sexual reassurance and affection she needs.

On a side note, it sounds like part of the problem is that your wife just doesn't feel sexy. Are you able to talk honestly with her about her weight? Do you prefer her at her current weight, or would you prefer if she was smaller (or bigger)? Dr. Jason Fung's blog, IDM, had a lot of information on intermittent fasting that can be very helpful if losing a few pounds would help her to feel better about herself.

My wife has always been very toned, athletic and curvy. After three kids she was feeling like her body was sagging, despite the fact that she still looked fantastic. I tell her almost every day how sexy she is, but she consistently brings up how her boobs are not as big as they were while she was breastfeeding (she's a solid, perky B cup) and her core just isn't like it used to be (she was a swimmer in high school, has great muscle tone, and has a small waist compared to boobs and hips). Lately, we have both been doing more exercise and a one day a week 24 hour fast, and she has lost about 5 or 10 pounds. Honestly, she looks great now, but she looked equally great 10 pounds heavier. But now when I look at her and tell her she looks great, she checks herself out in the mirror and says "yeah I do!". She is now much more confident, and I'm sure that has something to do with her starting to initiate far more frequently in the past few months.

Hello 90-dayers!

I think this is a great initiative. I was previously at /r/BTFC, which I found extremely useful to get focused on goals. As there will be many changes for me in the next months (taking a leave of absence), good to have a place, community to track my progress and focus on my goals. This is my first 90 day challenge, so I'm somewhat lost on procedure, I'll wing it!

++++ Stats ++++

• M/35/183cm
  
• Current Weight: 88kg
  
• Highest Weight (2012): 93kg
  
• Lowest (recent) Weight: Either current, or need to go back in time to when I was 17, as I've been putting fat on progressively (thus my username of becoming_dr_slump).
  
• Current Body Fat: 25%
  
• Diet: Mediterranean, with too many sugary snacks.
  
• Exercise: YAYOG (Currently 1st class, week 4) + occasional biking + some running + occasional Kettlebell
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR FITNESS & DIET ++++
  
  Diet: Clean eating. Quit sugary snacks. I eat more or less cleanly, except for chocolates on sugars. By October 22, I am extremely proud that I've eaten sugar free on 80 of the 90 days.
  
  
  Fitness - Sprint 1: July 15 - August 13: I am feeling strong as I'm on Week 7 of Yayog 1st class. Also, I feel the burn from doing Enter The Kettlebell 3 days a week.
  
  Fitness - Sprint 2: August 19 - September 17: I am walking tall and confident as I've finished 1st class. To celebrate, I ran my own sprint triathlon on rest week.
  
  Fitness - Sprint 3: September 23 - October 22: I am strong and generous as I'm in the next 10-week program, week5. I can complete a Turkish Get Up with my 16kg Kettlebell. And do a pistol on either leg without it.
  
  I have no goals on dropping weight, as long as it remains around current level or lower. But I'll be tremendously pleased if body fat goes down to 20%.
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR SPIRITUAL CARE ++++
  
  In the last six months, I've become aware of a lot of crap heritage I carry on my shoulders from growing in a narcissistic family. I need to do a lot of cleanup as I choose to (1) have a good life, (2) stop the cycle of narcissism so I don't become narcissistic myself and (3) build an alternative mindset for me and my family. The narcissistic circle finishes with me.
  
  
• By Oct 22nd, every single week, I've taken time to review my goals, the blueprint for the life I want to build, plan action and adjusted my plan. And taken time to care for my mindset and goals.
  
  
• In sprint 1, I feel liberated and full of energy, as I complete all the exercises on The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT: Russ Harris, Steven Hayes:
  
  
• In sprint 2, I'm a generous and happier recovering nice guy, as I've completed all l the exercises on No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover. Plus another difficult book.
  
  
• In sprint 3, I've read 4 more difficult books and done exercises. Books to be determined based on needs I determine in the next month.
  
  ++++ GOALS FOR PROVIDER ++++
  
  By Oct 22nd, I'm confident on my future as I've built a local network of work contacts of 50 people, and identified 10 new positions I'm going to apply to for my next position.
  
  ++++ OTHER ++++
  
  I need to clean up a lot of my psychological heritage, as it's negatively affecting my relationships and life in general.
  
  I start a leave of absence this summer, to recharge batteries and reconsider next career moves.
  
  I will travel to my country for one month with my kids (source of fun and stress), which will allow me to better understand where I come from and how is my family working.
  
  
  ++++ Let's Be Friends ++++
  
  I'm on Fitocracy. I invite you to friend/follow me/message me!
  
  Also, if anyone else on Europe time, support PMs & checks are an option. PM to discuss (never done this one before, seems like a good idea).
  
  Good luck, everyone! We can do this!

(I will be a scientist in a month, so maybe my viewpoint is too scientific.)

Take every interaction with any potential partner as a "quantum-test", Or simply as a scientific experiment. You ask a question from Nature: "Can we function as a couple?" or "Does she have the same attraction towards me?" and then you will get an answer. You should never take any rejection as a personal failure. A "rejection" is just an experimental result which is dependent on

• the current brain-bio-chemical states of the participants,
  
• the weather,
  
• the (life)situation in which you are at that moment,
  
• her period,
  
• her personal past,
  
• etc...
  
  So very few things you are responsible in any "dating" situation. The result of a "dating experiment" says how you two are compatible with each other, and says very little about you personally. Of course you should behave as you think is right. Directed dating is a paradox situation, because if you behave directly as you think "she likes", then you are giving up your true self to impress her. Of course there are certain behavioral patterns but if you just "act" as confident person, then you are just an actor... You should behave as YOU think is right.
  
  I don't think that the PickUpArt narrative (alpha/beta male, etc...) would be useful in a long term, because it teach you how to ACT, and not how to be happy in your own skin. You would be with a female who loves You, and not your "alpha-mask" which you wear to hide your needy nature...... True success when you can transcend these alpha-beta-male games and you can date without even bother about the endpoint of this experiment. I think Stoicism is a perfect alternative philosophy for dating. OF course you can prefer some results, but you can be HAPPY in any case. She is NOT your key to happiness. None is.
  
  I can recommend you the book No more mr Nice Guy!. It is perfectly dealing with one of the main problem of our society, which lost his best males nearly 60-70 years ago (during ww2, etc...) .
  And there is a very useful webpage: http://www.artofmanliness.com/ which can help you to rediscover your true inner Man.
  

First thing. Clean. Make sure your apartment, room, car or what ever is spotless. This is a really important step. It's the first step of taking back control, it's also going to show you a near immediate reward for your actions.

So now that you're sitting in a clean environment, start writing. Let all the negative emotion just spew, don't worry about spelling, grammar or any of that, it's just a purge. Once the rambling and emotion is out, review it and begin building. What are your goals? How are you going to achieve them? Right now your broken. Good! Because now is the perfect time to rebuild. You WILL rebuild your self into the man you were ment to be. What's he like? What does he do? Write about him. Start becoming him.

So now that you have recognized that you are the most important being in your life, treat your self. Buy a new out fit, or a good book, a new camera, what ever you want that can be affordable and positive. I personally bought a new pair of pants that was too small because next...

Gym. Find a good work out program. This new iron temple you should be praying at daily. You gain confidence with new found muscle but more importantly, this will also help you respect your self, by going daily and holding your self to your word.

Lastly, after reading through the comments and learning more about you, I think one of the best books you could read is:http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

2 years ago what I thought was the love of my life ended it. Best thing that has ever happened to me. This book combined with all the emotion I was able to harness and refine myself. Tomorrow I'm going out on a date with a beautiful girl (2 years ago I thought was out of my league) and I'm just excited to have fun. There is no more wondering, does the girl like me? Is he talking to other people? Would she want to be my gf? Instead, I don't care because I still don't know if she is compatible for my new life style. It's an amazing feeling to be the one in control.

Invest in your self and become the man you wanna be. You got this.

I'm an ExMo, which isn't really related to what I'm about to say, but learning to love my inner child as if I was exactly the parent I want and need, really helped me. It's similar to being your own best friend. I think growing up in a cult keeps us from growing into autonomous adults. While JW sounds like it's even worse than Mormonism, in fact I'm sure it is, Mormons are infantalized and kept in a childlike state where questioning and thinking for yourself is bad. You need the church to take care of you. Without it you would be nothing. That sort of thing.

Imagine how you would raise your own child and then be that best parent to the child inside you. We all have an inner child, even the most well adjusted adults still have a part of them that is afraid and vulnerable. They just haven't been brainwashed into thinking that inner child has no value, doesn't deserve love or respect, and doesn't deserve what she needs.

You are the best person to know and provide the love and comfort your inner child needs. Maybe that means not talking to your mom for awhile (not really sure how the whole shunning thing works so sorry if that's inappropriate).

I actually found the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self really helpful.

Edited to add: I think it was actually Healing the Child Within. Sorry, I did both books at the same time and it's been a few years. I know I loved them both. I think the being your own best parent was in this one though.

The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.

The better place to start? https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.

You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.

The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.

I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.

It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.

I wish there were some easy words of encouragement to your situation, I really do. But failing that, I want to to put out to you a few things. I'm sorry this is so long, it's hard for me to be concise about this.

For some context:

You sound exactly like me a year ago, when when my ex and I were breaking up.

He was incredibly similar to yours, unable to apologise, accept any blame, and turning to alcohol to get away from our/his problems. Seeing me upset would make him angry, not sad or caring or protective or worried as one would expect from someone I've trusted my whole heart to. Disagreements constantly turned into arguments, because he always had to be right and was not at all open to hearing my side.

I cried nearly every night for months and I'm shocked neighbours never called the police, hearing our screaming matches and my cries for his attention and love. I have literally sat on my bathroom floor for hours, wailing at him to come hug me and tell me he loves me with the door open, while he sat 5 feet away at the desk playing a video game.

I've had nervous breakdowns, I've had exams that I did not sleep for 2 days before because we were up arguing all night. I've been called every name in the book, given the silent treatment and cold shoulder, and told to fuck off.

I've shared a tiny studio apartment with a man who could barely look at me. I finished an entire degree unable to talk to my partner about my thesis, because we would get into a huge argument about the basic definition of my field before we ever even got more specific (I studied it for years and yet could never convince him that my definition was more accurate than his).

I have threatened suicide to get his attention and drained my entire energy supply to try to make a chronically depressed, stubborn man happy. I thought I was "too difficult", that I was "irrationally emotional", that I wasn't doing enough of something or too much of another.

I tried desperately to be what he wanted me to be, but some sacrifices just became too big (for me, among a few other factors, the breaking point was when he asked me to give up my dream career opportunity to support him through an educational plan that he was making absolutely zero steps towards accomplishing).

Eventually, I had to admit what you just did - that he never really loved me. I'm not sure he knows what healthy love is supposed to look like, although I'm not even sure I do at this point. It was just endless circles of me needing the validation of his love and him withdrawing it further and further.

And yet, it's hard to break that cycle, because that had always been the relationship dynamic. I spent years trying to fit into the box he outlined for me and by the end, I was bursting through at every edge fighting my own mind and body on trying to become myself so that I could be what he wanted me to be instead.


This is what you need to remember when it gets difficult:

It was never on you to try to fix things, to bend to his every whim. That's what you tried to do, because you want to support him and be a good partner. Even in your email to him, you end by saying what you want for him, not what you want for yourself.

It's going to be a long and difficult road after this until you realise you don't owe him anything. You will probably get very angry with him once the sadness subsides. Then you might get angry at yourself when it hits you just how awfully he treated you. But the anger will subside too and what you'll have left is a whole lot of things you learned about yourself.

You mention feeling like you're losing yourself in this - you are, and living that way barely constitutes as a life. Eventually, you will discover who you were, are, and will be beyond this relationship that's defined you for too long.


Thoughts that help pull you through:

Reminding yourself that you two were meant to be equal partners, adults in a relationship. He was meant to meet you in the middle, not stay in his corner while you constantly tried to reach as far across to his side as you could to make up for his lack of movement.

He failed you and your relationship, because he is not a person who can have a healthy relationship. This is not something anyone but he can fix and even that will require therapy and time and effort that he may never be willing to put in. That is his problem and loss. It is not on you.

Also, keep talking to your friend. She sounds amazing and I never would have made it without mine to support me. Hopefully she can remind you to forget thoughts like
>I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone.
whenever they start creeping back.

They are not the thoughts of healthy good wishes for an ex, they're the thoughts of someone too emotionally beaten and exhausted to put herself first.

You are also NOT "irrational" or "crazy" or "too emotional". Any of those phrases are just brushing your feelings aside and implying that his thoughts and views are superior to yours. That was a really difficult one for me to grasp and I hope you're able to come to understand that you are not irrational. Just because you disagree with him or he hurts you and he doesn't see why it hurts doesn't make you irrational, it just makes him unable to empathise or consider your view as equal to his.



Much of what he is doing (esp re: arguing instead of discussing disagreements, giving you the cold shoulder to guilt you, saying vile things to try to break you) is emotional abuse. I know the term sucks to see applied to your own situation, but it is. He is an abuser. And it doesn't matter in the slightest how he got that way, there are no excuses for that.


You're doing the right thing by leaving him.

I would recommend getting your hands on the book Women Who Love Too Much as soon as possible. I only read it recently, but it has already changed my outlook on the relationship that still haunted me even though it was over long ago (and also on how I approach romantic love in general). It's just a starting point, but a very helpful one to reframe your relationship in your mind and put it into a healthy context that finally puts your experience at the centre. Incidentally and not surprisingly, it seems many children of alcoholics end up "loving too much" (the book discusses this a lot).


I know I wasn't very specific with my details in this post, but I was just trying to get across that you are not alone feeling this way, going through this, and having these conflicting experiences and emotions.


If you ever feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone completely removed from the situation, feel free to pm me. I'm happy to share my experience, help you tease out yours, talk through your options for getting away, or just listen silently.


Either way, best of luck, you're making a great decision for future you.

Very important final note: you are not admitting "defeat" by this, you are actually claiming victory here. I'm sure it's difficult to stop trying after so long of doing nothing but. But you are doing what is right for you and finally taking care of yourself first, which is a habit you will need to cultivate to recover and move on to a healthy, happy life.

I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)

Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/

Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995

Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.

Much of my research has been focused on men who grew up under an emotionally abusive, narcissistic female parent ("Nparent"). Boys with high levels of intelligence who grow up under these conditions develop defense mechanisms to avoid the irrational, and often unpredictable, wrath of their Nparent.

One of these defense mechanisms is a highly developed sense of empathy, or in other words "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others." Children from abusive homes often develop higher-than-normal levels of awareness for other people's emotions as a survival response; because while growing up, a child's well-being was determined by the emotional state of the Nparent, whose mood and behavior could radically and unpredictably shift without warning or provocation. So, these children learn how to observe their Nparent and be aware of their every-changing emotional state at all times.

There are a couple consequences of this. First, many of these children learn how to interact with other people in a disarming way. These sort of children do very well in professional sales environments because they have an advanced ability to "read" people.

Which leads me to a second consequence: primarily being in a state of reaction to other people's actions. If life were a game of chess, you would be black, always reacting to white's first move. Again, as a defense mechanism, children in abusive homes learn strategies to disarm or satisfy their Nparent. Since the Nparent is always on the offensive and the child is always on defense, everything the child is trained to do is counter, repel, or otherwise disarm the actions of others. And these children can become very well adept at developing strategies to anticipate the needs of others.

So while the bulk of these boys' training is as a reaction to the wants and needs of others, these boys are not taught how to be in charge, how to identify and exert their own wants and needs in a relationship in a healthy way. In every relationship, there is a leader and there is a follower. Your relationship training growing up has always been to be reactionary, to be a damn good follower because your survival depended on it.

Now, you are dating, and women are looking for a leader in the relationship. The problem is that you don't have any training on how to be a leader in relationships. Like a fish in water, your whole world growing up has been focused on being the best survivor you can be, and that has meant being the best listener, the best reactor, the best follower you can be because you never knew what it meant to be in control.

Shifting gears into being on the opposite side of that fence, by being the person whose Will is exerted instead of being the person upon whom someone else's Will is exerted, is difficult. It's like riding a bike for the first time: no matter how many books you read on riding a bike, you're still going to fall the first few times. Becoming comfortable as a leader in a relationship is learning experience. It takes time to explore what that means for you and what that means to the women who follow you.

Diving deeper, if you grew up in this sort of environment, you know what it means to be taken advantage of; you've seen what it means for a person to manipulate some unsuspecting individual into fulfilling the manipulator's desires. Like a used-car salesman, you may view the whole experience of "using your magic" to get other people to do what you want as coercive, as something negative. You feel bad because maybe you feel like you're taking advantage of these women; and knowing how badly it sucks to be taken advantage of, you feel uncomfortable escalating things because of it. You haven't necessarily been so accommodating to others because you wanted to, you've done it as a means of survival, because you've had to in order to avoid punishment. You can't fathom or haven't considered the reality that there are people out there who genuinely desire to support others, not out of a sense of avoiding pain but because they truly feel a desire to support the fulfillment of someone else's Will.

If any of this applies to you, then here's my advice: first, recognize that you've been playing the part of the follower in relationships. Your approach has been reactionary, to anticipate the needs of others in order to satisfy those needs, as you feel a good partner should. The problem with this approach is that it requires the other person to have definitive needs. If they don't have needs that can be defined, then you won't know what to do; and nothing you do will satisfy them.

This might explain some issues you've had with LTRs in the past. There's the ongoing joke that if you ask a woman "what would you like to have for dinner?," her response is ____. You already know the stereotypical response (it's "I don't know", if you didn't already guess). While publicly men will lament about female indecisiveness, TRP explains that women aren't interested in making the decision about dinner because they've already made the only decision that matters: they chose you. Now, it's your job to decide what's for dinner; it's your responsibility to figure out what you both are doing tonight; she depends on you to take the lead. And since she's waiting for you to exert your Will, she often doesn't have definitive wants to satisfy. This may very well be the reason why you kept expecting insight from previous LTRs on what you should be doing for them, all the while they were becoming frustrated with you because you were not exhibiting the very same indicators that you sought from her.

Second, you need to learn how to be a leader in relationships, learn how to be in control. There are strong, positive leaders and there are shitty, negative leaders. Realize that exerting your Will in a relationship is not inherently bad thing. There are ways to do it positively. Women seek this strong leadership in relationships with a man. Just like you presently react to someone else to satisfy their needs, women desire to do that exact thing for you. So if you're not exerting your Will in a relationship, then your relationship with her will invariably fall apart.

So get over feeling bad about exerting your Will. Realize that a huge percentage of women desire to support the Will of a strong man. This desire is so ingrained that a surprising quantity of women admit to sexually fantasizing about being raped. This psychology tells us that even under what we might consider to be the most severe of circumstances (being raped), a situation that you would overwhelmingly consider to be "bad," many women still generally sexually fantasize about being "taken" and satisfying a man's Will by his force. By being a man who exerts his Will, you are quite actually giving women what they truly seek: a man who knows what he wants and ACTS on it. So in your chess game with women, be the white piece and make the first move; let them react to you, your desires, your Will. They want you to take charge, and you're hurting yourself and disappointing them when you don't.

Final thoughts, pick up copies of these two books: (1) "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and (2) "Models" by Mark Manson. First read No More Mr Nice Guy.

So you've gotten in better shape, but your still crawling around on all 4 begging for her attention. News Flash - Needy people are so much work and a turn off at the end of the day.

I wore your exact shoes a few years ago and was at the door of divorce. Today we both agree that had either one of us brought up the bid D word, it probably would have happened.

Ask yourself while looking in the mirror - Are you the man that attracted her 14 years ago when she clawed at you? What were you like back then?

Most answers are the same - Spontaneous, Energetic, Played sports, Built things with your hands, had an ego, could change the world, had no time for needy people, energetic, life of the party, social leader, ect.

Heres the part that might sting a little - but stop trying to change other people. They owe you nothing and you don't own them. Once you're truly happy internally and loving yourself that you will begin to see others want to be around you. When you give off that vibe that you have your world under control and nothing fazes you, people want to be a part of that because it's attractive.

Find a hobby, play some sports, spend time in the garage building something, take care of shit at home because you want to, not because you think it will change someone else. Never expect anything in return for what you do in and out of the house. Improve YOU and others WILL notice.

Read this book as the first step: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479840469&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

Look, I know how you feel and it breaks my heart to read these stories - but please take what I typed with a grain of salt and really look internally for that change you want. It may not fix your marriage, but it puts you on the roadmap and the right frame of mind going forward.

I took this advice 3-4-5 years ago - today we are so freaking open in our conversations it's crazy hot, sex has been better than ever before, and we are planning vacations, ect. The house is clean, the kids are happy, and we glow when we go out. In fact we glow so damn much people are always all over us at parties ect.

Start leading, stop following.

Therapy when you're ready would be essential for you. In a healthy mindset, you'd know it's better to be alone that with a rapist, but please remember it's okay not to be okay. I hope you find your worth, learn to enjoy your own company, and only start dating when you love yourself. You cannot give what you don't have, and you must trust yourself above everyone else.

You deserve and are worthy of love and respect. Be well.

I respectfully suggest the following


https://www.rainn.org/


The anatomy of trust talk by Brené Brown
https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/


Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BS027FC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_0ji3CbWVANK5E

A better life awaits you, and you are worth the effort. Things can definitely be better.

Having gone through something similar I'd recommend a few things. First, recommit to your male friendships or make some new ones. Hang out with the guys regularly. There's something really grounding about good friendships without sexual tension.

Next, I'd read some books to help you figure out how you want to approach life and dating once you're ready for that. The most helpful for me were the following 3 books: No More Mr Nice Guy (This should be required reading for high school boys. It's fantastic.), Models (the ideas from No More Mr Nice Guy applied to dating without the sleaziness some "pick up" material can delve into), and The Way of the Superior Man (some don't like it because of its spiritual bent but the ideas really spoke to me).

I'd also like to applaud you for deciding not to date until the divorce is final. It's a very individual decision, but that's the same choice I made. It just felt right to me. My last piece of advice is a continuation of that idea: don't be in a rush to get back into the dating game even once you're divorce is final. Take some time for yourself. Do some of the things you wanted to do but couldn't while you were married. It may be travel, a particular hobby, or something like changing up your personal style/hair/facial hair (I grew a beastly beard after being clean shaven for years and something simple like that brought me immense joy). Do some things for yourself and get comfortable in your own skin as a single guy. That will not only help you heal but will actually make you more attractive once you're ready to date again.

Anyway, those are the things that I've personally found to be helpful. If you have any follow up questions please let me know. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

I've just finished this book and cannot wait to try the exercises. You could probably find the pdf somewhere online. I can't say much for anxiety but the first "Breaking Free Activity" goes along the lines of:

"Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the Internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups."

The point being that 1. You should let the pain out otherwise you will continue to suffer internally and externally. 2. Searching for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because you are making the call to better yourself and that in itself is powerful. 3. Actions speak louder than words. Some people can tip-toe to better themselves, others must dive right in. You decide what you need to do and then do it, it's that simple but frustratingly difficult at the same time. If you don't think it's enough, go deeper. Ultimately action is what defines what you choose to better yourself.

In regards to not knowing what it means, it doesn't matter. It could be the simplest task to the complex anomaly. As long as YOU know it makes you better in some capacity, then it will make you better overall. Learn how to take any situation and apply a positive spin on it for yourself. You can't be better unless you look for and do things to make it so. Truth be told, you have to get out of your comfort zone ("the anxiety"). I'm in the same boat and am still making gains.

Best of luck!

You're the one that needs to find yourself again then. I'd recommend daily meditation to accompany this meditation book:

(1) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622036050/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_wboYAbF706VED

This paying attention to yourself will help you gather your pieces of yourself.

And then I guess you're trying to be someone you're not, to gain the approval and validation of others. Maybe this is from childhood trauma, or how your parents showed you love only when you "acted" in a certain way, but my next recommendation will dive into all that:

(2) No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_LcoYAbM18P7XT

Then I'd recommend taking these courses created by Jordan Peterson to find out who you are at a deeper level, and then reconstructing you and building you up again but authentically and not as a "character":

(3) 2017 Personality and Its Transformations (watch all these lectures): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQApSdW8X71Ihe34eKN6XhCi

(4) https://www.understandmyself.com


(5) https://www.selfauthoring.com


Put in the work with what each material recommends and you'll grow into your true self. And just to let you know, I used to do the same thing and was a character until I unlocked my true being. My sister even said a few years back I had a "different" personality and it freaked her out, but she could tell from my authenticity and happiness that this is the real me now. The previous me was a character, and looking back, a depressed one at that even though I always seemed "happy".

What helped me also besides the introspective journey I recommend above, is talking to strangers. I'd meet people in bars and what not, and this was during a time when I was trying to learn how to meet girls, but an interesting thing happened: I started noticing how I act around people I don't know, and with the pressure gone of who I "should" be, I had the freedom to be who I am.

Another thing that's helping me to this day, is to get into a relationship that loves you for the real you. This comes after you've discovered yourself, but old habits may come up when you don't even realize it, and with my girlfriend she keeps me honest with myself.

Realize that this isn't a light switch, this is a hero's journey towards finding and unlocking who you are as a person, the peeling back the layers as you gain a deeper and deeper understanding of your true self. Change only happens to those that want it, and the fact that you took the time to read all this, and write what you wrote.. that means you want it.

See you on the other side.

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  
• My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  
• I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  
• I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  
• I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  
• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  
• I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'
  
  Some things to consider:
  
  
• For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.
  
  
• I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!
  
  
• Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.
  
  
• So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.
  
  
• As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.
  
  
• A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More
  
  
• This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.
  
  
• If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.
  
  
• A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

These were the lessons I learned that changed the way I saw things. I'm going to speak frankly because what you said resonates with how I felt when I was younger.

First, since I love reading, here's a good read that might be helpful

Kindness

The prerequisite for respect from others is, first and foremost, self-respect. There is a profound difference between kindness coming from a place of self-respect and kindness coming from neediness. One asks nothing in return, simply for personal satisfaction of adhering to one's own personal pillars, the other gives expecting reciprocation. Respecting the self doesn't mean being an asshole to others, it's knowing what you want, what you value, and being willing to stand behind those regardless of others. Learn to need only the self, and you become a foundation from which true kindness can be found. Don't be afraid to let people see who you are.

This is the vital issue with the 'nice-guy' syndrome, and why you see bitterness come from 'nice-guys', especially when it comes to romantic interests. 'nice-guys' try to slip in an unspoken contract under their kindness, 'I'm going to be nice to you so I expect something in return'.

-----------------
Attention

The loud, the colorful and the entertaining get the most attention. They may be rude and narcissistic, but they probably have more presence or 'I AM HERE' than someone who's nice, friendly, and kind. Attention isn't necessarily a good thing, the person who fucks around and has outbursts of rage gets attention and is entertaining, but no one respects them. The rotting apple garners as much attention as the apple pie next to a bowl of fruit. The people you describe may just have a stronger sense of self, what the self wants, and the self-respect to let that be known. People are drawn to that which is different. Different, not better, not worse.

--------------------

Narcissism

Whlie we're on the topic of narcissism, the 'nice-guy' is one of the most narcissistic types of people. They convince themselves they're being altruistic, but they do things for others for the sake of getting something in return for themselves.

>'I always do them favors, they should do them for me, I'm always friendly with them they should be friendly to me, [I] listen to them they should listen to me, I'm always there for them they should always be there for me'.

You paid them in kindness and now they're revoking the contract because they 'end up using, disrespecting and leaving me'.

I only say this because I was like this once before. Once I began to see my 'kindness' through this lens, it became very easy to distinguish moments when I was being kind expecting something in return, and when I was being kind for the sake of it. Once I started to establish a firmer understanding of what I wanted, and what I personally valued, I noticed, over time, that people respected me more. They saw genuine me, not hiding behind the hollow mask of kindness.

BOOKS ABOUT THE DISORDER, AND TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH YOUR HOARDER

1. Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills. It also shows readers how to let go of the personal shame and guilt associated with being the child of a hoarder.
   
2. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beatty. From /u/hubbyofahoarder: “[This book] will be a revelation to you; when you read it, you'll feel the cold slap of recognition of your own behaviors. Co-dependence is often thought of from a substance abuse perspective, but in my anecdotal experience, and that of others, many SO's of hoarders are co-dependents.”
   
3. Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins. This is an excellent book, written specifically for the spouse, family, and/or loved ones on how to deal with the hoarder in your life who won't accept that he's a hoarder. It's not a book on "organizing tips" or anything for people who are merely disorganized. This book actually gives you a plan for communicating with your hoarder, identifying issues, working on your relationship with your hoarder, and in general coaxing your hoarder to a healthier way of doing things. It advocates a harm reduction approach, in order to get the hoarder to cooperate.
   
4. Before the world heard of "hoarders", Sandra Felton was writing about "messies". A reformed hoarder herself, she wrote Messie No More: Understanding and Overcoming the Roadblocks to Being Organized, which (among other things) discusses how most organizational methods don't work for messies, and give practical advice on what can work for you, and how to implement it. Her entire series of books are gold for recovering hoarders.
   
5. Scaling Down : Living Large in a Smaller Space by Judi Culbertson. This book gets inside the mind of the reader who wants to do something about all the stuff they have, but worry they will give away something they may need later, something that was a gift from someone, something that reminds them of something good long ago, or a variety of other mind games 'stuff' evokes. The author also tackles the prevention issue so that the reader doesn't get back into the mess they just got out of. Best of all, the author does all this without making the reader feel like a loser or stupid for becoming a pack rat, hoarder, or procrastinator. Has step-by-step guides and is written specifically for the older reader (but can be helpful to anyone of any age).
   
6. You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly, et. al.. ADD can be a factor in compulsive hoarding! Written by adults with ADD for adults with ADD, the is arguably one of the best books about ADD ever written.
   
7. If your hoarder is ready to admit he's a hoarder, Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding by Skeketee, Tolin, and Frost is the book for them. It includes strategies for changing unhelpful beliefs about one's possessions, and behavioral experiments to reduce one's anxiety and fear of discarding. You can see a video presentation of some of the research in the book at this link.
   
8. Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding: Why You Save and How You Can Stop is another book written specifically for the self-admitted hoarder looking for where to start. The psychiatrist authors offer a series of skill-building exercises to help a hoarder identify why they hoard, so they can eventually clean.
   
9. The Hoarder in You: How to Live a Happier, Healthier, Uncluttered Life by Dr. Robin Zasio. Zasio shares psychological and practical advice for de-cluttering and organizing, including how to tame the emotional pull of acquiring things, getting a handle on clutter, and creating an organizational system that reduces stress and anxiety.
   
10. Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, by Skeketee and Frost, is an invaluable book to help family and friends understand the mindsets of people who hoard.
    
11. The Hoarding Handbook: A Guide for Human Service Professionals. If you're a social services professional who has reason to deal with hoarders, or a family member looking to understand the public agencies to get involved, this book is for you. Chapters discuss service delivery systems, assessment of severity and risks to self & others, housing, public health, protective services, the legal system, and professional organizers.
    
12. The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter, by Matt Paxton and Phaedra Hise. Paxton appears on the t.v. show Hoarders, and gives advice on guiding hoarders through the clean-up process.
    
13. The Oxford Handbook of Hoarding and Acquiring is the first volume to detail the empirical research on hoarding. A resource for practitioners and researchers, the summaries of research and clinical interventions contained here clarify the emotional and behavioral features, diagnostic challenges, and nature of the treatment interventions for this new disorder.
    
    There's a ton more books but the above books we can definitely recommend.

You poor thing.

So everyone is going to tell you to go to therapy - and they're right. But I am sure you are mentally saying "When the fuck am I supposed to do that, if I can't take a relaxing bath how the hell can I schedule therapy??" So, I'm going to recommend a book that is very short, very quick and easy to read, it's not War and Peace you know. I know it will still be a challenge to find the time but I think that in some ways it can help you. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Some of it may not apply, those parts will be obvious and you can skim it. But it will help you learn to set your own boundaries for your own mental health. I am here to tell you some sad truth. There is NOTHING you can do to make your husband change. He might never change, no matter what you do. But, there is EVERYTHING you can do to change the way you handle things, to help yourself, to put up and enforce your boundaries, to validate yourself and to give yourself more space and compassion.

I know that all sounds probably like woo, but Codependent No More is an incredibly helpful book that helped me with a somewhat similar situation (albeit 4 fewer children).

Please read it. You have time to read it. You can't afford not to read it. Like every sentence of your post I thought "she NEEDS to read Codependent No More." Just go buy it for your kindle or to read on your phone or whatever, right now. Then at least you have it, and you might later have a momentary lull and say to yourself "Wait, I have 5 minutes, I could start this incredibly powerful life changing book."

Yes, a lot of it is geared toward people who have alcoholic or addict spouses and I know that is not your situation. But it can also apply for people with depressive or otherwise super unhelpful spouses who are dragging them down, making them feel like they are trying to swim the house and family across a creek but the spouse is like an anchor tied around their neck.

You need something you can do right now this week right away, and I am telling you, if you read that book and even 15% take advice from it, you'll find a way for things to get better.

Other practical ideas:

• Order your groceries from Amazon or PeaPod or something, at least for awhile. Or at least order as much as you can so that your grocery trips are just for minimal stuff you can't get delivered.
  
  
• Yes, he should do his own laundry. That is an EXCELLENT place to start. Tell him "I have asked for help with many things, and since I'm not getting it I've had to mindfully decide on some tasks I cannot handle doing by myself anymore. I cannot handle doing your laundry anymore, so instead I will place it in this blue hamper and it's your responsibility to clean your clothes." Laundry is a great place to start because it directly affects him, laundry takes a long time, and I'm telling you from experience that when you stop doing your unhelpful spouse's laundry it feels fucking amazing. It was a big step for me.
  
• Do your kids do chores and are you content with what they do? If not, make a chore chart. I know that takes more free time you don't have, but it's an investment.
  
• Get your husband a set of disposable (recyclable) paper plates and cups and insist he use them. This is not optimal and is costly and stupid but you are in emergency problem solving mode right now.
  
  Obviously therapy, etc. But start something now. Read the book. Do some practical suggestions or if those don't work figure some out that do.

I've been struggling with opiate addiction for over a decade. I've done NA, seen therapists, worked inpatient programs, and read a ton of books on the subject. If you truly want to stop (and it sounds like you do) it is possible for you to do so, but it will take dedication on your part. There are no simple solutions in most cases like these.

First, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a weak, stupid, or a bad person. Addiction doesn't arise because you made the mistake of taking too many pills. You just happened to be unfortunate enough to come across a narcotic or form of behavior that alleviates some degree of unresolved, persistent antagonism/stress in you life (this is the real disease, the drug use is the symptom). And since these drugs are plentiful, or you were bound to have a tooth pulled at some point, don't fault yourself for using. It was bound to happen and from the sound of it, like so so many other people out there, it seems you're prone to addictive behavior.

Everyone thinks their too smart, too special, or just too much of a bad ass for this to happen to them. I thought that way and I've met hundreds of other addicts who thought the same. The irony here isn't that everyone who thinks they're special is actually sadly cliche (though true), it's that you're likely special in some other way that you haven't quite realized. Most of the hardcore addicts I've met fall into two categories, abused or underused i.e.;they've been the victims of an abusive childhood or they're people with high degrees of unknown and unfulfilled potential.

Considering you've done one of the bravest things possible for an early user such as yourself--admitting you have a problem--I'm gonna say you're likely in the second category. You've already shown your character in a very positive light. Be proud of yourself, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes on this journey, but so far you're off to an early and promising start, if you maintain your resolve.

The first trick for someone like you is going to be to stop using, completely. In the short term, you've received some great advice, eat non-fatty foods, exercise as much as you can, get rid of your stash, etc.. You're already through the worst of your withdraw. You're a light user and shouldn't feel any discomfort after 3 to 5 days. But understand this, what you felt wasn't even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to withdraw. The discomfort, sleeplessness, and despair you felt can be a hundred times worse (and lasting up to two weeks) for a pill popper after just a year. Remember, it's not always about how much you use, but how long as well. And I won't even bother to describe the misery of IV use, as you seem like a smart kid, you can do the math.

Long term, you're real difficulty is probably going to be in finding a support network to help you stay the fuck away from opiates. Because though they may mean well, parents and friends usually aren't up to the challenge. Even if they want to, they often just can't understand why you feel compelled to use. The best people to consult are either other addicts in recovery or professionals, either of which hopefully works in tandem with the love and support of your friends and family.

NA is a great place to start for most people humble enough to admit they have a problem, but I can't stress the need to find the right group more. So if you go this route, go to as many different meeting as possible, on different nights and at different places so you find folks you're comfortable with. I used to think NA was just a bunch of Bible thumping ex cons and I couldn't have been more wrong. Stay away from Narcanon though, they're sponsored by Scientology. You're better off staying on the pills in that case. ;-)

If you're too shy for NA or just can't find the right group, look into specialized addiction therapists. But generally steer clear of anyone working directly with the criminal justice system, you're not a criminal, so don't let anyone treat you like one.

If you're not ready to share your problem with anyone face to face quite yet (just don't make the mistake I did and wait years to do so), pick up some books about addiction to help clear up all the bad information you've been indoctrinated with on the topic, as I assume you grew up here in the States. My personal favorite is Dr. Gabor Mate's In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

Beyond that, you're also welcome to message me if you have any specific questions. I've been exactly where you are today, so I truly feel for your predicament. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.

I'm very sorry to hear this sad story.

For him: he has to stop drinking entirely. He can't control it, he can't be a weekend drinker. The sooner he can accept this, the sooner he can turn his life around. It would be great if he can get into a rehab program of some kind. They can be very helpful for those who want to get better. If that isn't possible, then it would be a good idea to try a support group again. AA, Agnostic AA, SMART, there are others. (See the sidebar for links.) It is wise to "shop around" by trying different meetings, then returning to one's favorites. Even within traditional AA, the personality, format, level of religiousness can vary widely. I'm a big fan of Agnostic AA meetings, and I've found that gay-friendly meetings and meetings in non-religious spaces tend to be less religiously focused.

For you: (and your daughter, indirectly) It is a common pattern for the child of an alcoholic to end up with an alcoholic spouse. We tend to find these codependent relationships somehow familiar. You might appreciate the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. It was a real eye-opener for me.

You may also find some help and support at AlAnon. It is a support group for family and loved ones of alcoholics. (Not to be confused with AA, which is for alcoholics themselves.) They can help you protect your sanity while you deal with the chaos of someone else's addiction. www.alanon.org /r/AlAnon

FWIW, I think it is wise not to allow him to live with you while he is still drinking. His parents giving him a deadline/ultimatim may actually help him get sober. By refusing to continue enabling him, he may hit his rock bottom sooner, and make a lasting change. It's pretty much a textbook definition of "tough love".

I hope all my thoughts are some help. I'm wishing you the best.

I am currently dealing with the same issue (along with a host of other things) since this January when I had an emotional break and realized that I need to deal with my ACoA issues.

I'm a 42M, married 14 years, with 2 kids....and I was essentially sleepwalking through my life...and behaving in ways that alienated almost everyone...and almost ended my marriage.

What changed things? Well first the realization that I have these issues and that it's not my fault that I'm this kind of fucked up....BUT it is my responsibility to do something about it. This book really helped me understand things:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1558741127/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BktBDb5N5076D

Second was finding the right therapist and going weekly. This cadence was right for me at the start.... Recently I'm down to every 2 weeks but we will see how long that keeps up for. She's great because she calls me out on bullshit and bad behaviour...and is a fantastic guide who helps me see things in a different perspective... Yet she still lets me learn my own lessons... Which is how you grow (you don't want someone that just tells you the answers).

Third was working really hard on undoing the conditioning that my childhood built in to me. I have been behaving this way for most of my life so the work is slow and endless but progress is incredibly rewarding.

In 7 months I have saved my marriage (literally... We were like roommates and not romantic partners at all...and it's not perfect but it's better than I can remember it ever being), I am learning to feel and process emotions.. which means I'm not a robot anymore (people used to call me Data (Star Trek TNG reference) in a loving way), and I'm a better father, husband, friend, and man...

All because I'm learning to be the authentic ME instead of pretending to be who I thought everyone else wanted/needed.

Don't get me wrong... There are really, really, crushingly difficult days where I wish I could go back to sleepwalking through life...and there are even harder days where the weight of the work I will have to do the rest of my life makes me seriously consider (for 1 second) "tapping out" and stepping in front of a train... But then I think about all those people that love and care about the "real" or "new" me...and I put my head down and keep doing the work.

Good luck and please reach out if you'd like to talk!

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

>I think you might be a touch stronger than me.

Nope. Not stronger by myself. I surrounded myself with people who knew of my struggles. I was honest with my boss and my closest co-worker. I went to AA. I had my sponsor to lean on in the hard times to tell me to BREATHE. The Serenity Prayer is my best friend. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I couldn't change his attitude, but I could change mine.

We don't have to travel this road alone. There are resources and help and love for us if we have a willing heart.

As far as my SO and I are concerned, I struggled for many months doing the next right thing every day, being where I was supposed to be when I said I was going to, being the perfect little girlfriend in every way I knew how. I was patient, kind, loving, giving....you name it.

But a few weeks ago, after the 20th argument that ended up with him saying he wanted out of this relationship, I finally said "That's probably for the best" and moved into another room of the house. I have come to realize that this whole time I have been reacting to his actions and attitudes through a vision of guilt...what I did in the past was making him act the way he was acting.

Finally it dawned on me that it wasn't just me (although I am a trigger). He has his own problems which I knew of for the most part, but I now realize that these problems are much deeper than I once thought...like serious psychological issues. While I would never abandon him were he willing to work on those problems and face them, I have to take care of myself and let go of this relationship. I have to be somewhere where I can feel safe emotionally and where I can expose my vulnerability. I can't do that with him, so I will do it alone. Once school is out for the year, my daughter and I will be moving on. He is isolating himself in the bedroom for the most part, but that is nothing new.

It's time to really start taking care of yourself for you. Not him. Many alcoholics also struggle with co-dependency issues and it sounds like this may be the case with you. I highly recommend reading The Language of Letting Go to help you along that path.

Some other resources I've found helpful:

Brene Brown

Loving kindness mindful meditation

AA

Be well sister. If you need to talk anytime, I'm here. Just PM me. <3

You don't sound like you're being an alarmist at all. After close to 30 years of emotional abuse you're probably incredibly sensitive to your parents' emotional whims and even though logically you can see how none of this is your fault, you still act within the realm of their behaviour being a product of your behaviour and in the end you just want what every child wants, a parent who loves them unconditionally.

A really great book that was suggested to me by a therapist long ago that better helped me understand why I felt and behaved the way I did is Adult Children of Alcoholics. You might also enjoy looking up Al-Alon groups in your city or on the internet and just talking to other survivors of an alcoholic family. It feels really validating being able to talk about your experiences and have people be like, "YES I TOTALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!"

My advice to you is to realize that it's not that your parents don't like you - it's that they like alcohol better. Even though your mom doesn't drink anymore she's still enabling your father and so she still has to live in the web of lies that alcoholism weaves. It's very painful but there can be almost no hope to repairing the relationship while the addict is still drinking. I was one of the lucky ones whose father stopped being an alcoholic so we've been able to repair our relationship.

In terms of calling and wishing him a happy birthday, that entirely depends on you and what you emotionally can handle. Personally, I would send a simple card wishing him a happy birthday and not call. That way it's a one-sided conversation.

I wish you a lot of luck. You seem like a lovely person who has tried really hard with her family but remember that you need to take care of yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe and strong.

I read all of that. For your sake, I am going to get right to the point here.

You have the dating and relationship skills of a 12 year old. You idolize every woman you meet as a mother figure. This causes "One-itus". Go Google it now.

You have spent years learning English, IT, stuff about motorcycles, but I bet you have spent ZERO time learning about dating, self-improvement, and women.

Am I right?

I know I am, because you are describing exactly what I went through at your age. Disaster after disaster with women. A totally amazing Harley. Traveling and meeting women, only to break down like an idiot and scare them off.

The solution, that worked for me, was to read a lot of books and then go and date and MAKE MISTAKES and LEARN FROM THOSE MISTAKES and then try again and IMPROVE MYSELF.

These are the most helpful books I found.

1. Doc Love and his dating advice. You can read his syndicated articles here and after reading a ton of those, I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend you buy his "System" at his website. Yes, it's $100, and it is worth every penny. I will warn you - it is poorly written, poorly organized, and won't make a bit of sense to you when you first read it. That is because it is, basically, written in a foreign language to you. You need to just read it, then go out for a month, then read it again 30 days later. Upon reading it the SECOND time, every mistake you made will suddenly jump off the pages. This is because you have no experience with women, therefore of course it won't make any sense.
   
   
2. David DeAngelo and his Double Your Dating series. You can download this free right here but DON'T DO IT until after you have read the Doc Love stuff and understand it. Now, not all of his stuff is good, so you need to judge for yourself what stuff you think is viable, but all in all he helped me totally turn myself around.
   
   
3. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Amazon. Buy it, read it.
   
   
4. Way of the Superior Man Amazon. Another good read.
   
   If you can take a few hours to read all that, and then work on what you learn for a few months, you may end up like me. In six months my perspective on women radically changed and I learned how to be attractive to women, be HONEST, be a good person, how to have some standards, I didn't fall in love with any women who looked at me, and so forth.
   
   Those books also helped me with my career, and being honest, productive, and happy with my work.
   
   So, you wrote all that, and I posit to you that the answers are already written down in those (and many other) books.
   
   Keep us posted.

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

• You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  
• Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  
• Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  
• Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  
• Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  
• This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).
  
  On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
   
  On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.

The average height in your country is around 178cm +/- 5cm so 183 is tall and 173 is short but you are still young and could probably grow to be 176/177 depending if in the next 4 years you will get enough vitamin D3 + mk7, sleep and excercise.

Go out and get as much sun as you can get, it naturally produces vitamin d3 in your body and summer time is when you make reserves for winter.

Check your vitamin d3 blood level!!!, if you will be deficent ask your doctor to put you on d3 + mk7 supplementation. Your future health, height and weight might depend on it.

Lack if vitamin d3 might even lead to depression.

Not that fat means fat.

Single mom - this is your biggest problem, I need you to read these sources - Mandatory!:

1. https://illimitablemen.com/2014/05/08/the-suffering-of-the-lost-boys/
   
2. Find the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" it's a short and easy to read book, which you should read! It's for free on the internet, probably even in your native language: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
   
   First of all I recommend that you go into monk mode(read about it here), I read that people are completely shitting over you and even using physical force against you, you need to transfer to a different school to reset your frame, it's completely in pieces and people have less than 0 respect for your mere presence.
   
   Delete facebook and all social media, change schools - preferably one in a completely different direction than your current school to prevent old "friends" from transferring your bad fame. Don't tell anyone where you are going. This is also mandatory because if you will be going to college with your new friends your shitty image might never be overwritten. Not to mention that the shitty environment will keep you in your poor state of mind like a chain on your leg.
   
   Secondly you need to interenalize the material here, this means you need to lurk and try and make sense of the new things you will find here. You are still very young and might not understand most of it.
   
   You need to lift, get a gym membership, read about lifting(how to do this correctly) and lift, after you go to college you can thanks us later for this. It will take a year to two years but after your gains people will automatically give you more respect and your confidence will increase naturally, you will also feel much better. I cannot stress enough how lifting is important.
   
   Lastly, if you have some fat do this:
   
   Skip breakfast, don't eat anything untill dinner time, eat a big dinner, wait untill supper, don't eat anything, eat a big supper and don't go to sleep straight after eating, wat a few hours and then go to sleep. Sleep at least 8 hours and go to sleep early. It's called intermittent fasting and can boost your HGH(human growth hormone) up to 2000% of it's initial value.
   
   Eat only meat and some veggies, don't eat anything that has bread/potatoes/sugar(carbs) in it(meat in bread crumbs, bread, chips, fries etc.).
   
   Realize that your biggest problem is being raised as a nice guy by your single mom. Don't blame her and don't make an issue for her out of it I don't know why she is single but there may be some redeeming circumstances and she might want the best for you but she can't give it like she could with a father in your house, just focus on improving yourself.
   
   17, just before senior year is still very early to start working on yourself and reset your social standing, you have very much potential! Some people here start after two divorces at 40 and they smash.
   
   And after reading my advice, please do not become this:
   
   https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/6o90gp/the_eunuchs_of_the_red_pill/

I highly recommend you read a book called Toxic Parents. One story that resonated with me was this story about a women, raised by born again Christians, that got an abortion. She spent years and years trying to get her parents to accept her but one day she had to accept something herself. Her parents might love her but they did not know how to love her. To love someone, you can't just have the "feeling" of love. Your actions, your spoken words, your intentions, have to all be aligned. They can't just respect you whenever they feel like respecting you, that is not love. They can't say its for your own good and make you believe that when you don't. That is not love. It was very heart breaking for this women to finally come to conclusion that her, very own parents, can be verbally and emotionally abusive. And I am sorry to say your parents are emotionally abusive too. Mine was too. But the sooner we break away from them the sooner we can live our own lives. At 24, I still feel like a kid, mainly because I feel like I need my parents approval. I am getting better at being my own man every single day and the sooner you break away from them emotionally the sooner you will be happy. They will never change and its ok because that does not matter. You are your own person and you should not take what they say personally, it does not apply to you.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SEH80I/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

>I agree with you here. So does this mean you disagree with TRP's stance on this topic?

I've never been one for towing the party line.

> Interesting. I still don't really get it honestly. women are emotionally trained to place responsibility for their feelings onto their partners? What does this mean, and what leads you to believe that?

There are 2 parts to this. One is well explained by Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and is also it's a common criticism feminism makes of popular culture. Society conditions women that marriage or a relationship with a man will make them happy. That they need to find the right guy who will complete them (the implication that without a man they are incomplete). This is bullshit of course, no one can make anyone else happy. You have to learn to be happy yourself.

The second part is that while society conditions men to be stoic (avoid and suppress their feelings) girls are taught to over identify with them. Women who aren't emotionally whole often surrender to their feelings, rather than simply accept them, while understanding the distinction between their being and what they feeling in any given moment.

TRP accurately observes that women end marriages (and probably relationships) more than men, but concludes falsely that this is because women cannot love the way men can. In reality, it's the combination of what I described above. Women enter into relationships thinking that will magically make them happy and they will feel whole and complete and loved. When this doesn't happen because it was never realistic to begin with, they begin to feel sad, anxious, and often angry. While a man would probably bury these emotions until he explodes (or becomes depressed) women both act on them and blame their partners due to how they have been emotionally conditioned.

>There is an huge amount of psychological evidence to support this assertion, and anyone who has spent any time working on emotional healing and therapy will quickly see that I am correct.

Here are some links, but these are books not easily digestible articles. The important thing to understand is that core emotional problems are the same amongst all people. It's the external expression of that pain that is often gendered. Reading about the difference between NPD and BPD will shed some let on this.

Women's Infidelity

Facing Co-Dependence

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Healing the Shame that Binds You

Healing Your Aloneness

Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization

>I don't really see what this has to do with gender. Both partners need to feel that expression of love. Dread Game actually seems to be based around purposely withdrawing love and affection, which seems irreconcilable with the idea of unconditional love.

What tends to be gendered is the preferred expression of love (love language). Different people need and express love differently, and sometimes couples don't have compatible styles of showing affection. In cases where one partner will not work on the issue, that partner is withdrawing their love. I agree that dread game is not compatible with unconditional love, and I don' think I ever said it was compatible.

It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.

Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.

My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.

In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.

Mindfulness:

• Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
  
• Phone app called InsightTimer. Has tons of super helpful guided and non-guided meditations. Learning to sit with yourself and focus on your breath will help you be more calm in the moment and less obsessed with the hurts of your past.
  
• Check out the song Hard Times by Gillian Welch. It just so happens to be the song I'm using to help cope on this particular day. "Hard times, ain't gonna ruleeeee my life."
  
  Books
  
  
• How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - Helps you accept that you've allowed people to mistreat you despite your best intentions. It helped me see my ex for who he really was, and planted the seed for starting a new pattern. Particularly good for us because a BPD relationship is literally addictive.
  
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - not just anyone ends up in these relationships. You're more than likely codependent. Learn to assert boundaries and take care of yourself while still loving the people around you - whether that means keeping them in your life or not. This is essential in beginning to recover from these relationship because the skills you can learn will help you regain the self-esteem and trust you've lost in yourself.
  
• The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. Lots of concepts you'll learn through meditation but applied to your thought process, not just your physiological response. I'm reading this now and it's helping me learn to stop ruminating.
  
  I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.

I agree that SLAA is a good and helpful program for sex/porn addicts. Haven't tried SA, have friends who like SAA - just try all of whatever's in your area or that you can find online: the more help the better. Also sex addicts I've known have sworn by the books of Patrick Carne which I haven't read. Escape From Intimacy I have read, it's short and good and describes exactly what you're talking about in terms of sex addicts building up a tolerance and getting into darker things and more and more dangerous behavior. The addicts who do best according to research in this excellent book are those who can find an individual therapist as well as doing a group program (like SAA etc) so do both if you can - just make sure your therapist knows about addiction. You are not alone - there are others who understand and have faced and conquered this addiction. Get help before you cause irreparable harm. You don't need to tell your wife before you find a source of help - if you get help the people who help you may be able to show you the best way and time to talk to your wife about it. Good luck and start today while you have the willingness to quit - it can disappear.

Edit: The groups I mentioned are all free just in case you weren't aware of that fact - they're just addicts helping addicts.

"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 . Go to your local libary and read.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.

He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?

I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.

Please, break up with him and set yourself free.

If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here ->talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/ .

Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.

Best wishes

I'm glad you found my response helpful! :-)

> But I know for a fact - because she told me - that she is not in love with me. "I like you as a friend, nothing more". It was after this we had sex. Women will always be confusing to me, but with confidence at least I can have a great time. And hopefully she will too :)

Hmm... I advise that you shouldn't listen to what she says, but rather look at what she does. This is true of people in general, but especially with women. We all tend to rationalize our actions and emotions after the fact, which doesn't necessarily line up with the actual causes. Actions speak volumes louder than words.

You fear being friendzoned. To that I'll put forward the following observation: guys who are friendzoned tend to 1) not be upfront about their desires and motives (we have delt with this problem) and 2) overinvest in a asymmetrical relationship and skewing the balance.

What I mean about the second observation is that if you don't value your time and sit around waiting for her to want to spend time with you, then she isn't going to value it either. She'll only respect you as much as you respect yourself. you should never push to be in her company if she gives the clear indication that she doesn't care either way. A good way to begin to value your time and precense more is to take up a regular hobby. Personally I began going to the gym and joined a boxing club (which definitely helps you build healthy natural assertiveness(I.e. not faking it till you make it, but just making it).

I advise you to get and read the following book: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Within the first twenty pages you'll know if it's struck a cord with you. It did for me. It's not about being and asshole. It's about identifying and stopping self sabotaging behaviors.

So lemme get this straight, friend:

1 - Mother, father, and sister do not work. This video clip is a joke, but it seems like it might reflect the situation. Not sure on the sister's age, but I'm presuming she is of working age. Just out of curiosity, what do they do all day?

2 - Your dad gambled away all your family's money, your mom left him, and then you cleaned up the mess.

3 - You send your mom money because... "she can't maintain herself", you send your sister money because ... ???, and you send your dad money because... your family guilted you into it? After you cleared his gambling debts?

4 - You make $70K/year in WA, which is to say, "median salary". You aren't rich, or have a particularly high income for the area. Median salary in most states is "enough to support a family", which, in most cases, is your own.

5 - This doesn't particularly leave you with enough resources when considering the budget:

1800 rent, 500 car, 500 groceries (very high), misc 100, saving 500, 1300 mom/sis, 500 dad = 5200. Notable omission of "bills". It is an inevitability that you will have an emergency (new tires for the car will run ya $800 nowadays), and your emergency saving isn't particularly enough to cover it (I budget $120/month/car in repairs alone, and do them myself the majority of the time).

---

Would you give a drink to an alcoholic? Does it help them? This is what you are doing to your dad. This is probably what you are doing for your mom/sister.

---

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for supporting family. That said, here is a prescriptive fix:

---

1 - I am willing to support you, as a $1-for-$1 match on whatever you earn, up to one half of the current subsidy, starting next month. If mom/sister can figure out a way to earn $650/month combined, this will be equal. If they can earn $1300/month, then their total situation will be improved to $1950/month. Note that this is a total of 32.5 hours per month at $10/hour. This is a laughably low level of work. As an example, in my city, "taking money and handing out tickets" for a special event pays $11. I found this job inside of 30 seconds on craigslist. They are hiring for 11 positions for a job today. Finding "any job will do" work is trivial. You should be able to bang out $100/day pretty easily in garbage-short-term work if they are in America.

2 - Dad - same offer.

--- Note - this cuts your obligation in half. This is a "stop the bleeding" fix which frees up enough space in the budget so that a lay-off doesn't sink you.

--- Note - My family went through some stuff with my step-brother (he went to jail). They attached all kinds of strings to the money, which included if you live here, you have to do this list of chores daily, work out every day, read a book for 30 minutes each day, be showered by 7am, fill out one job application every day, etc. You are allowed to slip up 3 times per week, but the 4th occasion puts you on the street. "I would be better off if I lived at a homeless shelter, they wouldn't make me do all this shit" "That is a choice that you are free to make". The basic theme of the strings was "living here sucks and has all kinds of bullshit-but-good-for-you rules - if you moved out your life would be better".

--- Additional note - this should get the family off your back. You have a pretty easy defense to the "look at your poor mother, she is living in poverty" thing. You say "I am willing to double whatever money she makes for herself. If she makes $0, then that is her choice".

3 - LEARN THE WORD "NO". Just, Jesus Christ dude. My family wanted me to support my fathers' gambling habit - so I did? Grow a backbone.

--- Note - Additionally, I would like you to say some other words, like "if you do not think that I am providing adequate support, I would welcome your help in assisting them", and "I am supporting them".

4 - Put timelines on it. "12 months from now, this is getting cut to $0". You need a way that you aren't in this situation forever.

- Note - this is the long-term fix.

Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.

When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.

The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.

The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.

I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.

Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."

Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."

So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.

This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.

THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:

I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.

Isnt that always the question? Find a hobby, connect with others who are into the same thing. If you're religious, be active in your church. You probably already have interests and groups of people you know that are interested in those same things. Thats the foundation for a friendship nurture it and grow it. Take some chances. Identify some things you've always wanted to do in your life and then plan and do them, you will put yourself in the path of others who are doing the same things, that is a point of connection on which to build. No, its not easy, it can be really really hard, but its also the easiest part of a romantic relationship.

If a person cant do that first step, how can they expect to be able to be an emotionally supportive and heathy part of a loving relationship? Its true that we are often willing to do for those we love, that which we wont do for ourselves, but thats a losing game. doing that helps take care of someone else but it doesnt take care of you. And no matter how much you do that you can only help someone else take care of themselves, you cant do it for them. The same goes for them to you. you have to be able to take care of yourself otherwise eventually you you will be unable to provide what the other person wants because you've not taken care of your own needs. Its not selfish, its actually loving, making sure you have what you need so that you can in turn give to others. i mean, it took me a year to find this out, and it killed my relationship with my girlfriend. If i had learned to do this thing above, i would be married right now. As it stands, i'm learning to take care of my self and dealing with the fallout of a failed relationship, what to do with an engagement ring, and what to do with my life now that i've restructured it around someone who isnt there because i didnt take care of myself and they couldnt do it for me.

I really suggest you take a look at some information on codependancy, its had a profound effect on my life. a good starting place is ["Codependent no more"] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BS027FC/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=1535523722&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0894864025&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1BTYF5ECCR2KT9G8SZMW) by Melanie Beattie. The concepts come from whats been learned about the spouses of alchoholics and how both those that continually end up in abusive/alcoholic relationships and the alcoholics themselves are actually suffering from a very similar issue. Its not tied to the framework of alcoholism though and i strongly suggest taking a peek. Hope this helps.

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

Maybe you could do hot yoga?

I never really found anything that could truly get rid of the chills. I remember wearing 2 pairs of long johns, 2 sweaters, under all the blankets I owned, shivering on my couch while my mom did my dishes after I bailed out of detox. That was many years ago, but even now that I'm clean I still find myself getting chilly all the time. My new best friend is an electric heating pad. It is so, so nice to curl up with at night.

You might like this book. It touches briefly on some aspects of different spiritualities, but also combines personal life experiences and a bit of neuroscience, too.

I've been teaching myself how to read tarot cards lately. It's really interesting and accessible, and can provide you great cues to gain some further insight into your inner workings.

Oh yeah, if you want something warm to drink that might help take the edge off a bit, you can try valerian tea, or a tea blended with valerian in it. Be warned, though. If you get valerian on its own, it seriously smells like super pungent stinky feet. It doesn't taste like that, tho. Tastes kinda like catnip or spearmint. If you can handle the stinky foot smell, it does good stuff for agitation.

Hi misskriish. I've just seen your post. I hope you are doing better. I just recently found out about love addiction, which I also am (I've used relationships my whole life to escape from reality). I found this website today and I appreciated reading the different types of love addicts: http://www.loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

Also, I highly recommend you read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1506147116&sr=8-1&keywords=facing+love+addiction+by+pia+mellody
It has been amazingly helpful for me to start putting my life together. There is a section regarding how to "put your relationship on hold." I strongly suggest you look into this, it might be the best option for you and your relationship. I am in a relationship with another love addict and we have had to put our relationship on hold and focus on individual healings.

Good luck and take care. Better, calmer times are ahead.

Hi! I am a recovering Sex and Love Addict and I am also poly. I took a break from dating last year when I got called in by a partner for some of my toxic behavior. I am currently with just my anchor partner who I've been with for almost 3 years. At the time of my call in I had too many partners to count and I was using people and behaving in very toxic and abusive ways. Sex and love was my drug and people were my sources of supply.

This is what I did when I thought I had a problem but wasn't sure what to do.

Here is a link to the SLAA 40 questions for self diagnosis. When I took it I answered yes to 35 of them and it was pretty clear to me that I had a problem and should go to a meeting.

There is also a reading called the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction that I also recommend reading.

If you decide you think you have a problem and would like to find help you can find a meeting here.

I also went to a therapist that specialized in treating sex and love addiction. Look for someone that specializes, also the book Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes is really good to read.

There is also a subreddit r/SexAddiction that is really helpful. It's small, but very supportive. I'm a mod, come on over.

You don't have to live this way. You deserve better. A year ago my life was completely out of control and I was harming everyone close to me. Today I have a much more simple and stable life. I am not acting out or causing harm to my loved ones or my community. I'm in the process of doing the work so that I can make amends to those I've harmed. My life used to be incredibly small, completely focused on sex and love and the finding ways to get more. It was a hell of my own creation. Today the obsession has lifted and I have a life that is beyond what I could even dream of back then. You can do it too, I'm not special, I was just willing to admit I had a problem and that I needed help from people who'd been where I was and were now living better.

A lot of neediness stems from a lack of experience. If you haven't made connections with many women, you are likely to feel more desperate. It goes back to scarcity vs abundance mentality. When you haven't had any positive references, it's hard to convince your mind to be unattached (opposite of needy) from the end result.

Here's how to fix that:

Gain experience

When I started going out I just wanted a taste of success, any success. I tried to "win" every interaction and my motives were very outcome driven -- women could feel that. As I went out more and began seeing results, I proved to myself that I could attract beautiful girls. That an awesome woman would love the opportunity to meet me and that I had plenty to offer. It soon became less about "I need to win this" and more about "I want to meet some cool girls and have a fun time." When you're in that mindset, you're giving value and not trying to take it. This makes you a gentleman and far from needy.

Go out more, challenge your comfort zone every single damn day, and you will naturally become more outcome-independent and less clingy.

Prioritizing your needs

Do shit that you enjoy on a regular basis. Start living a life that makes you happy instead of trying to impress others. Say more silly shit to people and stop caring about every word that comes out of your mouth. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and be upfront with your intentions. Have an opinion and don't just be a "yes man" to women.

Honestly, the book that changed my life in that regard is No More Mr. Nice Guy. The first chapter alone blew my mind and transformed a lot of men I know.

--

If you need some more resources this "Nice Guy vs Real Man aka Gentleman diagram" and this article should clear things up. Also, what omokage said is a great mentality to enter any interaction with.

According to Dr. Robert Glover, "Nice guys are usually anything but nice." You have to check his book out man, it helped me to become a better friend, lover, significant other, and person in general. Particularly being someone who is very calculating it really helped me to achieve true empathy and compassion. Before I read this book I was in a relationship with a woman I despised who treated me very poorly, my drinking was out of control and I was generally just a very unhappy person. Now I have the perfect girlfriend, a better job and closer, more valuable friendships. Best $11 I ever spent. You can check it out here. Be sure to update us, you can do this :)

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.

​

There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=passionate+marriage&qid=1556824796&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10WF0A3U0ZLES&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1556824853&s=gateway&sprefix=no+more+m%2Caps%2C246&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1B16J31SVFQXN&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski&qid=1556824888&s=gateway&sprefix=come+as+you+are%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1

​

This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1556824926&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

If he can't tell the difference he needs his ears cleaned out. With a power drill. From the opposite side.

Cause he doesn't have a hearing problem; he has a listening-to-his-mate problem. And a (lack of) thinking problem.

I'll borrow from WessenRhein's post with this modification: His mommy doesn't think she's the Number Three Parent; she thinks she's the Number ONE Parent. You are apparently a day-care provider, expected to keep her up to date on HER child.

Please excuse my lack of politeness: Fuck that noise.

MIL's expectations are beyond unreasonable. They're beserk. D(u)H is enmeshed, enabling & requires getting his head set straight right now.

1. You grew LO inside you & gave birth. YOU are the #1 parent.
   
   
2. He's #2; his required loyalty is to you and LO.
   
   
3. His Mommy isn't parent # anything. Not 3, not 27, not 203.
   
   Grandparenting (her role) is to assist & support the two of you. It's a privilege rather than a right. She's un-entitled to ANY information; y'all share with her what you jointly agree is appropriate. This means two yesses are required: Y'all agree. Either of you says 'no' about sharing a particular piece of information, it remains un-shared.
   
   Cause His Mate & His Child come before His Mommy. Maybe when he was nine years old, Mommy came first. Seeing as how he's married to you & is LO's father, Mommy is no longer #1.
   
   Speaking directly to DH: Bud, grow the fuck up. Stop expecting your MATE, the woman who has partnered with you in adult life (& who not incidentally shares her heart, mind & body with you) to Keep Your Mommy Happy^tm
   
   Mommy is entitled to nothing. She gets what the two of you, as adults, graciously share. It's not your Partner's responsibility to prioritize communication with your mother over taking care of LO, taking care of herself or over anything.
   
   Your mother's expectations are beyond unreasonable; they're NUTS. One doesn't reason with crazy; one imposes limits. Calmly, rationally, firmly. It's excellent practice for when LO is three, cause Mommy is acting like an entitled three year old. Be fair, friendly & FIRM. If she tantrums, put her in time out - cut communication entirely for a week. Every time a time out is required, it should be double the previous one: 2X, 4X, 8X. This progression tends to, ah, Get the Offender's Attention and to convince them you're serious (you are).
   
   Your mom isn't a reporter or newscaster. It's Not Her Job to find & breathlessly report the details of other folks lives even if she thinks it is.
   
   You might want to look into When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
   
   They're excellent resources for a guy interested in being a Man.
   
   And love & respect your Mate. She's earned it: Your mother
   raised you; your Mate CHOSE you.
   

>Sometimes, in fact, I feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I'm actually causing it.

OMG yes! And when we "talk" about our issues (rarely), she does everything in her power to reinforce that feeling in me. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I would try to kick that ball again and again. Each "talk" would end with me trying yet harder.

​

>I just want the conflict or contempt/anger to stop.

It won't. It will ebb and flow, but it will not stop. And you can try to be good hoping to end it, but it won't end. It is how they control us. It works because we care what the feel about us. We want to be loved for who we are now. We never get it. There is always something "wrong" they find.

​

>I've been practicing recognizing that feeling, and stopping or walking away, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure what the "right" way is to make it work, but it feels like not engaging is the only thing that works... Which doesn't resolve anything either.

Grey rock method is effective until your lack of response angers them. But more than that, it turns you into a zombie. It's like living with a predator waiting to pounce. You move slowly and quietly hoping to go unnoticed. Who wants to go through life like that?

My therapist is an advocate of practicing Stoicism. I don't know if you are familiar with the serenity prayer or not. It is derived from Stoicism. We can't control their emotions. We can't make them desire us. What we can control is how we react to them and how we choose to live.

The best book I have read on the subject is Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist. It really helped me see the pattern we are locked in.

I wish you well. Keep us updated.

​

Read like, the first page of each of these books.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Elite-C-Wright-Mills/dp/0195133544/

http://www.amazon.com/Corporation-Pathological-Pursuit-Profit-Power/dp/0743247469/

http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/

http://www.amazon.com/Globalization-Addiction-Study-Poverty-Spirit/dp/0199588716/

Look at how many people voted in 2014.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/12/opinion/the-worst-voter-turnout-in-72-years.html?_r=0

http://bipartisanpolicy.org/library/2012-voter-turnout/

"Some 93 million eligible citizens did not vote."

http://www.nonprofitvote.org/documents/2013/09/america-goes-to-the-polls-2012-voter-participation-gaps-in-the-2012-presidential-election.pdf

Look at dem numbers.

You are the next generation. Great tv series, btw. You are part of the hope that casts a light upon the world.


https://openlibrary.org/

Also, sorry, skimmed through your post history to perhaps glean what ails you, but perhaps your anxiety/stress stemming from these surrounding issues are increasing the occurrence of a lack of proper airflow/air intake during sleep, and disrupting the process of healing that's supposed to occur during the night, leading to long-term damage to your heart?

Your parents love you for a reason, and you shouldn't feel that resources or money are even a factor in their considerations. They love you, period, and you'll have plenty of time to repay your family/society/whoever you want just through the act of living well.\

Also, there's a lot of technology coming around the corner where organ fabrication/replacement/etc. is going to be a very common/real thing, but that's not to say that you can't still work with your doctor to mitigate symptoms/risks for now.

Take care, friend. Life is a strange journey indeed, but it can be rewarding if you let it be.

Edit: I would say that it's a nice poem, but I cannot agree that the best way to get back at those you feel have slighted you is to cease one's own existence. That would be tantamount to a full surrender. You still have some fight left in you, don't you? Fighting back is the best way to give the bird to all the turds.

For your SO:

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not what love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace." ― Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

 

Here is to many more years with your SO and without the people that call themselves his family.

You aren't crazy. Many of us have felt the same way, tried the same things and had the same results as you did.

Those people can't change the way they are almost ever - and you can't change them. You can't convince them to change and they won't ever see it from your perspective ever.

They can't change, but you can.

Please read the book or listen to the Audio book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

It was the best money I've ever spent. With the help of this place, hanging out with friends and doing things I like, this book had pushed me out of the fog. You are in bad shape and need this ASAP. The words from this book will tell you far more than I can.

i feel like I could have written your story. Once you get through this book, read codependent no more and figure out how to love yourself again. Go no contact with your abuser and free yourself from this fog hell forever!
I wish you the best. Please know that I've been there and that it does get better! Like a million times better!

Edit: formatting on mobile is hard

I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.

If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.

Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked

So let's take stock here:

1. You're a grown man
   
2. You're paying for this policy
   
   So what's the issue with saying "Mom I love you, but I don't believe this to be the best use of my money." and then doing so?
   
   
   There's nothing wrong with doing what is in your best interest. A big life lesson is learning how to do so even when other people are not pleased with your decision. You are not obligated to make your mom happy nor are you obligated to get her to agree with all of your decisions.
   
   
   I think you might have an issue with conflict and saying no in general, and if that's the case I highly recommend this book:
   
   https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
   
   
   With that said I know family can be a challenge. I wish you well whatever you decide, good luck!

You need to do some inner reflection and figure out what really makes you happy. If you can not be happy without a girl getting a girlfriend is not going to make you happier.

When was the time in your life when you were happiest? What are your happiest memories? What were you doing? Who was in your life? What season was it? What was it about those memories or experiences that made you happy? Figure out your pattern.

You might need to just make a wild crazy bucket list of things to do in your life. They don't even have to be immediately attainable. What on this bucket list really attracts you? Why does it excite it? Is it adrenaline pumping? Is it a relaxing and beautiful? Is it adventurous? Figure out your pattern.

Do things alone without any friends at all. Learn to be comfortable and happy by yourself without just video games killing your time.

Go on meetup and make new friends. I ditched a lot of old friends not because there was anything wrong with them but because they were not models of who I wanted to be or be around.

Break your patterns. There is probably nothing wrong with what you are doing now but it clearly is not making you happy. Start doing something else.

I would highly recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy

Now before you think but I am not a nice guy, or I want to be a nice guy not a douche or whatever. This book is about learning to lead your own life and to stop living for someone else. Once your learn to live for yourself you will find that you are a much more fulfilled and happy person.

I think that your awareness of this is the first step. You're already seeing a counselor, so that's the next step.

I've been seeing counselors for as long as I can remember, and it hasn't been until I decided to take action that anything has actually changed. This action takes different forms for different people. I'm in a position now where, similar to you, I've been in relationships for the majority of my life. I'm currently dating a man who completely loves me - clingy, neediness, "crazy" and all. And despite all of this, my knowledge that these characteristics are still here has influenced my decision to end this relationship and embark on one I've been avoiding for years; my relationship with myself. I'm going to work to get to know myself as hard I would work to get to know a guy I'm interested in. Figure out what I like to do, what makes me tick, what I want my morning routine to be, what I want to eat at a restaurant, what music I'm going to listen to... Whatever it is that I would like to know about a significant other, if I don't know about it in myself, then I am looking to find out - explore myself and put effort into my own happiness and self love. We hear it all the time from many clichéd sources, but if you don't love yourself, you'll never be able to love or be loved by someone else.

I'm going to guess that, based on your description (been in relationships forever, have daddy issues, and are clingy/insecure) that my situation is not dissimilar to yours. Do yourself a favor and take care of it sooner than later. It will be a constant effort to work through, but you will be happier for a longer part of your life than if you wait to deal with it.

I hope the best for you!

Edit: Typically this "diagnosis" is called Codependent. Read about it and see if the descriptions apply to you. I read a book called Codependent No More that helped me hugely. Some applied, some didn't, but it helped regardless.

I want to upvote this comment more.

While VLC/NC is a goal for many of us (and may truly be the best outcome -- I know it is for me), the process to get there can be excruciating. When you have been raised in a toxic environment, fear, obligation, and guilt are STRONG. Even doing something simple like deleting Whats App can take a mountain of will and can induce a lot of emotional turmoil.

/u/ButtaChicken, I will tell you that you have endured a lot of abuse and dysfunction. I'm proud of you for surviving that. The instances where you describe 'snapping' are totally justified -- you should never have been put in a position where you were exposed to that kind of behavior. Absolutely no part of that is your fault.

It sounds like you need a break from your family. The crushing anxiety you feel is your body trying to tell you that these relationships are not good for you.

I want you to think about what you want that you can give to yourself. Obviously, the ideal is to not have family who act this way. But how they behave isn't under your control. What is under your control is what you do. Do you want space? How can you get that? What would that process look like? What would the first step be? For example, do you want scheduled times to check in that you set? Do you want to check in every other day for a while? Or is there something else that would work best for you right now?

In my view, there are 2 approaches that you can take here -- you can rip the bandaid off, by deleting apps, blocking people's phone numbers, and ghosting. Or you can do it a bit at a time, which allows you to see the benefit of getting a little bit of space and may provide positive reinforcement for getting a little more. It sounds like previous attempts at getting some space have not gone well, since the web of flying monkeys is pretty intense. So I think whichever approach you choose, you will need some support in doing it. Seeking out a therapist is a good start. One who deals with childhood trauma and understands NPD, especially. I think that reading some books may also be helpful, so that you get an outsider's perspective on what you've gone through. You know it isn't normal, but we don't always know how not normal things are. Someone suggested Toxic Parents, which I would second. I think having a support structure for this process could help you work through the guilt and feeling of obligation that comes when you attempt to set boundaries.

Please know that many of us have been in the same shoes, and it can get better. It is hard, but you are worth it. Please reach out for help, both from us and from someone with professional training.

Hugs if you want them.

EDIT: I found a book list in the RBN archives. Some of these may resonate with you. :-)

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

try reading some of the ideas over on /r/theredpill/ about finding inner strength and how that attracts people and earns their respect. By the very act of seeking approval you are demonstrating that you are weaker than the dad and hence you are really not worthy of his respect. Why should he be happy that his daughter has a BF that is weaker than he; subconsciously it's a step down.

You are taking my posts very constructively - not sure I would have been so receptive at your age - I (white guy) with Chinese FIL and Japanese MIL was where you are now. My inlaws only respected me when I finally stood up to them and stopped trying to placate them. Now they know that at our house it is our rules, they respect it and give deference.

"Respecting elders" exists in all cultures. Very strong in asian of course. I don't buy it. It's a cultural structure designed to even the playing field between the old and the young. When you yourself are old will you inherently have more "worth" than now? Respect is exclusively to be earned. Any person, institution, industry, government, etc... that expects respect based on an intellectual construct rather than actual actions is immediately very suspect.

Final thought - maybe challenge yourself by reading this book.

I sincerely hope you have a happy and wonderful life.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.

You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.

I strongly recommend that you read this book immediately - No More Mr. Nice Guy. I also strongly recommend you visit the seduction subreddit because the problems you are experiencing all stem from your lack of understanding of relationships and women. You need to learn how to figure out what you truly desire and how to be fearless in pursuit of those desires. I'm going to be brutally honest with you, but as a INTJ I think you'll find an analytical perspective extremely helpful.

My analysis (and keep in mind this is completely subjective) is that she wanted to be in relationship with you and wanted you to make the first move, but you didn't show any interest in taking things to the next level. Her love for you may have slowly started to dwindle as she became frustrated from trying to figure out your feelings toward her. The worse thing was the fact that it sounds like you basically friend-zoned her (even if you think you friend-zoned yourself), so she probably took it as a flat-out rejection. This probably hurt her deeply and made her constantly ask herself why she wasn't good enough. Her frustration and sadness may have turned to anger, leading her to shut you out completely. It could mean she's done with you entirely, but it could also be her way of sending you a message. Maybe she's too hurt to talk to you and needs some time alone before speaking with you again. Maybe it's a test and she wants to see if you'll find some way of contacting her (so she knows that truly care/love her) or if you'll just give up (so she knows that you weren't willing to fight for her). Maybe she's just cold-blooded and that's the last time you'll ever talk to her. It's hard to say because I don't know what your conversations were like or what your personality types are. Either way, the only thing left to do is learn from the situation and move forward.

Think about this: if you were in love with her, why on earth didn't you try to start a relationship with her when you had the chance? Even if you didn't live close to her, you could have tried a long-distance relationship. Telling her to go for another guy because you want her to be as happy as possible is a classic "nice-guy" fallacy. Not only are you giving up on your own happiness, there is absolutely no guarantee that she'll be happier with someone else. If anything, she would have been happiest with you because she loved you. Either way, you have to learn to be open about your desires and do what makes you happy.

Lastly, I would vote against starting a vlog to document all this. If you view it later, it may remind you too much of the pain you are feeling right now and you might slip back into a downwards spiral. You want to do the opposite. You want to do whatever you can to ease the pain and take your mind off of things. Distract yourself with activities that make you happy. Keep your mind busy. Build or create something complicated. I personally recommend exercise. The more rigorous the better. You'll be focused too much on your physical pain to even think about your mental pains. Use your depression as motivation to improve yourself. Read books, watch videos, and learn everything you can. It will take some time, but you'll eventually pick yourself back up and be even stronger and better than you were before.

Well, literally any club on campus is a good choice so long as you belong in the club. I mean, non jews aren't gonna join a jewish group. Find one that you can be okay with. The reason I advocate for these is because you're hanging out with them in a social setting that isn't geared towards dating. Why is this important? Less of a guard up.

Your mind's too focused on losing your virginity. Honestly, from what I'm reading I'm guessing you've over-glorified sex. It's fun, but honestly it's not the best thing ever. I mean, if you actually care about the woman then it's so much better. Try to focus on finding a woman who you can be friends with and attracted to.

Buy this book:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

I honestly think you need to stop watching so much porn. Sex is fun but it's not nearly as great as what you've built it up in your mind to be.

You're right, sorority girls are all individuals. I might argue that they are more often in social situations because of mandatory socials (house parties, etc) and are more often more extroverted and social individuals. In social situations, guards are down more as a result of being around large groups of people and alcohol. This makes flirtation a little easier and a lack of confidence less likely to spot.

That's my argument.

BUT, just built your confidence, join /r/seduction and learn.

First off. Congratulations on some things.

1. Introspection. Not enough people are able to step outside of their circumstances and make assements.
   
2. Declaration of dissatisfaction. Many times people have a "bad taste" in their mouth about their life, but cannot see enough to say "This is bad, it must be fixed."
   
3. Finding this sub. I have found that there are a number of good places on the Internet where people can find help. I believe this sub is one of them.
   
4. Choosing to do something. Even posting here is doing something. That's great. Keep on doing.
   
   Now, things are going to get hard for you. Very hard. Or rather, very difficult. All of the things that you did or did not do in the past will pay dividends today. (For example: Did you learn your multiplication tables in the third grade? Good, that pays off today. Did you get a good career by going to college in a field which has a high degree of demand? Bad, that pays off today. http://www.amazon.com/Worthless-Young-Persons-Indispensable-Choosing/dp/1467978302)
   
   This is a long post. Don't be offended at how long it is. Take it in pieces if you would like.
   
   
   > Brief background: Married: 1 year
   
   > Me: 23, bread winner.
   
   > Wife: 24, stay at home mom
   
   > Daughter: 3, special needs.
   
   What is the real breakdown of $$$, as a percentage, and who is it coming from?
   
   You are not the 100% breadwinner, as some of it is coming in via the SSI and child support.
   
   > My issues arose when I lost almost half my hours at work
   
   I'd suggest they arose well before that. This hour cutting is just the part that caused you to sit up and take notice.
   
   What is your degree? How has it left you in the hole WRT needing to have an hourly job?
   
   > for about 5 months (february to june). Cut from 30 hours to 18 a week.
   
   Some people would say, "Woo hoo, I went from having 30 hours available for my night classes per week to now having 42 hours available. I think from the rest of your post that you might not have done that.
   
   
   > Our daughters social security is what kept us afloat.
   
   Well, the SSI and the child support, right?
   
   > I lost all pride, all drive, and all feelings of adequacy.
   
   I'd like to know what your budget was prior to this hour cut that allowed you to have pride, drive, and feelings of adequacy.
   
   > So i picked up another job and did any and everything I could to keep my wife happy at the cost of my own happiness.
   
   Good. Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ? http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453088070&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mister+nice+guy
   
   > Lost SSI due to missing paperwork and havent made time to get it fixed so it's just been me making it happen.
   
   Be clear here, with yourself first, and your wife second. The two of you equally failed to perform the "Fill out the paperwork" task. Do not take 100% of the blame for this (unless your wife is illiterate, and you have to be the one to take that task all on your own).
   
   > The past month: She's been going out every other night or having people over every other day and of course I started feeling jealous.
   
   Some observations.
   
   
5. She's been going out. (Therefore you have surplus $$$ in your budget. Are you putting 10% in your retirement? Are you giving 10% to charity?)
   
6. She's been having people over. (Therefore she has extra time in her day. Therefore she isn't worried about $$$, or she'd be working on bettering herself via a better degree)
   
7. You living life via the feels, not the data. ("I started feeling jealous" WTF?)
   
8. You still not seeing the real problem. ("Of course" I started feeling jealous. There is no "of course" to it. Only those who are ruled by their emotions allow something external to them to move them. What should you have felt? Jealousy? If so, then fine, be jealous. Not jealousy? Then fine, don't be jealous. But there is no of course to it. You choose your actions. No one else.
   
   
   > I've been telling her that I want to hang out with her and spend time with her. But it never happened, either lack of time or money.
   
   Be clear with yourself. It never happened for one of two reasons.
   
   
9. You didn't want it to happen.
   
10. She didn't want it to happen.
    
    Consider that. Those are the only two reasons. There can be no other reasons. Then reflect on each of them, for 5 minutes each, separately. Write them on separate pieces of paper. "Why didn't I want to hang out with my wife?" "Why didn't my wife want to hang out with me?" Go for a walk in the back yard, put some "thinking music" on (I like Vivaldi), and consider those two questions. You will come up with answers that you don't like. That's OK.
    
    > Today: I wake up to a quiet home. In a zombie-like fashion I scan the bed for my phone to check the time and it is 2:27pm. I have work at 3. I noticed a text notification from my wife that says "I went out to eat. Didn't want to wake you. Have a good day."
    
    That was kind of her. (Take it at face value. Even if it was passive aggressive, and even if you don't like it, at face value, she did you a favor.)
    
    > To the typical man, that is a blessing. But for me, being a beta bitch, i got upset. Without any form of rational thinking or reason, i sent back "U serious?". She calls and we begin to talk. I started with my "Id like to hang out with you too" blah blah blah. I work 2 jobs. 14 hours when working both in a day so "im tired" is always at the helm whenever i don't feel like putting any effort towards anything.
    
    I don't think I believe you when you say "I'd like to hang out with you, too." Why? Words whisper, actions shout. Your words are saying, "I want to hang out." But your actions shout "I find other things more important than hanging out with you." Don't claim that I am saying something that I am not. I am not saying that you are choosing sleep over hanging out, and that this is bad. Again, I am not saying that. The only thing that I am saying is that your actions and your words do not match up.
    
    Take this moment to ask yourself, "Well, self, what do I really want, then? I would suggest that maybe you want someone to say "Oh, poor baby, your life is so hard, I'll gladly hang out with you and wipe your brow and make things better." But that's just a guess.
    
    > But at the end of that clearly one-sided argument she said "If you want to hang out with me, then make it happen. But dont you dare get mad when i get up and go without you because all you do is sleep". And i said "Fine".
    
    Awesome. Look at what just happened there. I think it's good that someone in your life is willing to honor you enough that they will tell you to see things as they are. You should thank her for not sugar coating that.
    
    > So I leave for work, clearly in a pissy mood,
    
    "Clearly", only if you are living via emotions. Don't do that.
    
    > when her words start to echo. It hit me that I need to get my shit together. I am way too dependant on her company, affection, and validation.
    
    That is great. I'm happy for you that you were able to come to a conclusion that things need to be changed.
    
    > She then texts me: "You didn't have money last night right? Why the hell would you get upset about today knowing you didn't have money today? You slept up till it was time to go to work? So why get get pissed about not doing stuff with me?"
    
    It almost sounds like she is the rational one here.
    
    > (Our group of friends went out to olive garden last night. I didnt have the money so I stayed home and she went with them)
    
    That's interesting. I'll explain more below.
    
    > And that just reiterated my previous thoughts. I had a clear moment of weakness that lasted damn near a year. But never again.
    
    Sweet.
    
    > No more weakness, no more beta, no more of this pity party bullshit, no more jealousy or insecurities. Swallowing the red pill.
    
    Good.
    
    Now that we have that out of the way...
    
    
11. What does your budget look like?
    
    I suspect that the answer to that question is "We don't have one." Get one. Number one. You must have one. This is not an option. I have friends who use YNAB, https://www.youneedabudget.com/ , Mint, https://www.mint.com/ , Google sheets (search for templates), and envelopes. https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=envelope+budget Yes, just envelopes, with just cash. It works. Do it. You and your wife will continue to have problems with your relationship and you won't be able to put a finger on it until your money is under control. At some point you mentioned that your wife gets to spend the extra $$$ that is left over for the child support. This is insane. Are you married, or Roommates With Benefits? I realize that this is not a budgeting subreddit, so get to one. You and your wife together. If she refuses to partner up with you with respect to the budgeting thing, then you have an MRP problem. Until then, you have a money problem. I suspect that she will refuse, since she likes to live beyond her means, and go out with her friends.
    
    
12. What does your family income look like?
    
    I suspect you have a crappy job, since you talked about having your hours cut. What are you doing to fix this? If (and I reiterate, if) you are able to afford a stay at home mom (SAHM) situation, then you have to earn the appropriate amount for your family. I suspect your wife needs to get a job as well. You simply cannot afford a SAHM situation. Face it.
    
    
13. What does your education look like?
    
    I suspect you don't have a college degree in a field with high desirability. Why not? Lack of effort? Lack of focus? Put all of that behind you, and figure something out. You might have 6-8 years of suck ahead of you, while you take night classes and earn a degree that will pay well. Too bad.
    
    None of these things are hard to do. "The only thing hard around here is your head" (said a random Drill Sergeant).
    
    Make a plan. Find a close friend to help you stick to it.
    
    You can do this. Many have before you.

Not a parent of a teenager yet, my kids are approaching tweenage years.

I'd say listening to her is by far the most important thing you can do. Just spend time together and listen for the next few weeks. Ask her what she likes to do for fun. Ask her what makes her sad.

Some other good ideas:

• Look into some local non profit kids and teen organizations like the Boys & Girls club or YMCA.
  
• Try to get her involved in a hobby or structured activity with kids her age (but don't force it, this can be a long process for some to find their favorite hobby)
  
• Make sure to simply 'be there for her' and 'listen to her'. Most of the time kids in these situations have been ignored for far too long and haven't been shown enough affection
  
• Teach her that trust is the foundation of any relationship(s) and that while you completely understand her reluctance to trust you, that you would like to be there for her and be a part of her life.
  
• If she's receptive to it, try to show some physical affection like hugs and cuddles, take it slow with this one though perhaps just starting with pats on the back.
  
  Some good books for you:
  
  
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
  
• Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

I know this might sound like a sarcastic response but: "No more mr. nice guy" Some of this advice was good and some was hopelessly out dated.

The important thing is that you must learn to pursue your own interests and be your own person, Respect women and try to understand their world experience and how it differs from yours, and do not make 'covert contracts' with women in your head. Example: 'If I'm nice to women, Women will want to hang around and eventually sleep with me.' One of the biggest hallmarks of the 'nice guy' is he's nice when he expects something in return for that niceness, and then becomes an asshole when that doesn't work out. Because that's not how people work. Attention from women isn't payment for being nice, and if you set yourself up with expectations like that You're going to be disappointed and frustrated, and that leads to asshole-ish behavior. Never take a woman's lack of interest in you personally. It's just how it is, and eventually you find women who will be into you if you just keep on being you.

After that, it's all just basic etiquette and learning social conventions. All relationships between people are proportional. Don't ever rush them because you like someone, basically don't be too nice. Don't insist on being allowed to be nice. Don't pay for girls stuff, don't insist on carrying their bags, Don't insist on fixing the squeaky door on your neighbors apartment down the hall. Insistently being nice comes off as creepy because women are keyed up to think you expect something in return, and if you're honest with yourself you probably are expecting something in return.

A whole generation of misguided moms trained a lot of young men that if they're 'nice' to girls they'll find a girlfriend. And that was terrible advice.

That's all assuming that the person who called you a 'nice guy' was serious and not just using it as a generic insult.

>Why don't women ever seem interested in me?

You don't need to pick up on interest from girls to be successful at dating or make the first move.

>Maybe I should stop being super nice or something?

I recommend reading this book, No More Mr Nice Guy. You have to stop trying to please others and look after your own needs. It's not about being "nice". It's about how you treat or view relationships. "Being nice" doesn't earn you any kind of relationship.

> being in college it seems women are about half and half, still like being treated like shit like we are still high schoolers or actually enjoy someone who treats them right.

lol yeah I would recommend that book to you for sure

That sucks but you probably don't have much choice. Do you really have to interact with her much when you're spending most time away from home? It doesn't sound like a major problem given that you've already endured 18 years living with her.

If it's a lot of pain for you to go back and meet her, why not work during the holidays and just go back for a few days. Can make friends in other places or even visit your high-school friends where they study or go on trips together.

Maybe learn to set healthy boundaries now that you've basically an adult. You're 18 years old. She shouldn't tell you what to wear. If you set your boundaries properly she will respect you for it. She also wants to keep the relationship with her daughter, I'm sure. This book may help: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1549964827&sr=8-3&keywords=boundaries

It also sounds like your mother doesn't have much empathy and you don't feel understood by her. Perhaps a best friend or a boyfriend could take that role of giving you support whenever you feel down etc.

OK, I got a few minutes free. So let's start with the stuff you're mentioning specifically about standing up for yourself. That is definitely a good piece of this puzzle to bring into awareness and try to solve for yourself. It will be a huge long term benefit to you to work on, and eventually to the people around you (although they may not end up being the same people that you run with now).

An expert on manipulative and abusive behavior talking about popular misconceptions about what drives the kinds of things you might be seeing in some of the people in your life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBfvbWRDZN4&list=PLePFb3rlFbw5Z8NWX6h44RgkSeRLPHu6g&index=2 (huge playlist but the first 1-2 videos are a good intro to his line of thinking).

By far the best written resource I've ever found on what boundaries are, how to hold them, different ways we can take the wrong approach to them and how to correct that: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527274601&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective, which for the record is not my belief system, but I still found it extremely useful. It was actually a bit healing for me to read this and regain some potential for respect for people in that community, seeing that there are Christian people who are actually doing this work and making it a part of their life to stand up to abuse, as opposed to the people I grew up with who tended to be overly publicly religious while silent and cowardly in the face of anyone actually mistreating anyone else in the here and now.

My fav youtube channel with a scientifically robust treatment of this stuff: https://www.youtube.com/user/sppwebmaster/videos. For my particular issues, which might or might not match yours, these two videos in particular were each well worth an hour when you've got it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU33PLAtSOA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sbYIKC7-Tw

Plus as an American I find Aussie accents entertaining and easy to listen to. :)

I haven't really given much thought on how TRP is applied to homosexual relations. I've known a couple of homosexual men in my life but I've never really asked them details about how that dynamic works.

Certainly there's a lot that TRP teaches that can help you become a better man for yourself, lots of stuff about new mind frames to shape and better habits to get into. However, TRP is rooted in the realities of the male-female sexual marketplace, which wouldn't apply to you since you don't have to compete in that specific SMP. Then again, if that dynamic still applies to male-male relations where one man takes on a more masculine role in the relationship and the other takes on a more feminine role, then I can see how you can make it apply.

I would definitely start with No More Mr. Nice Guy, this book will give you an excellent starting place. I've been telling a lot of guys to read Rollo Tomassi's Books lately, however, they are very geared towards straight men because he talks specifically about the feminine imperative in the male-female sexual marketplace.

I'd recommend How to Win Friends & Influence People as well as No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm of the opinion that you can't be taught how to be a nice person, just as you can't be taught how to be a mean person; it's more a matter of genetics, surroundings, experiences, and introspection. I do think that people can be taught how to act nice or, to put it gentler, taught to comport themselves in a more sociable manner.

How to Win Friends is an obvious choice in that regard. No More Mr. Nice Guy I think would be good because the general thesis is that you don't don't have to be a pushover to be considered nice.

Wow. You have accomplished so much in your life already. I really admire your strength and courage to have done all of the things you have. Even though you are an amazing person with tons of strength and courage, you can only get so far on your own. I think that seeing a therapist is the next strong, brave, courageous step you should take in your life.

I never went through anything remotely like you have, but, therapy changed my life completely for the better. I bet there are counseling services through your school. Also looks up books on Amazon and read the reviews. There are probably therapy books for people who have escaped cults like you have. You could also check out Toxic Parents. Actually (after a quick google search), it looks like you can read a PDF of the book for free here.

> It wouldn't matter much except I already feel like I'm not good enough for him because he's just easily the hottest man I've ever met

low self esteem and needy. OR, know you're hot shit, but fishing for compliments from strangers. Latter is annoying and a form of Munchausen syndrome or covert narcissism. In case of the former, please get therapy!

>and hearing him deadpan about how I have old lady boobs or chipmunk teeth or a loose vagina feels weird.

I mean if he's joking, then this is clearly to wind you up, a bit of harmless fun. If not, it's a little fishy.

> I know it's something I'll get used to (we've only been really together for about a week)

a week 0_0

> but it's uncomfortable for now. He lets me get stuck in these stupid arguments and ends them cracking up at how seriously I take him when he's joking.

This is called 'push/pull' in PUA or negging, it ranges from teasing through to serious attacks on self esteem. If you don't find it funny or are secure about the little digs, then it's not cool, tell him to stop. Stand up for yourself!

> Or he jokes that he's going to break up with me or that he doesn't like me but doesn't really ever emphasize that he's joking (but I know he is because 20 minutes later we're in a toy store and he's dropping $100 on toys to play with my baby brother).

These ones are a bit more dodgy and point closer to emotional abuse, especially these threats to break up…but then it could be his (dry, DARK) sense of humour. The fact he's paying so much when you've been together like a week, is a bit of a red flag. Are you financially independent?

> It sucks because in a lot of ways it feels like I've found the man I'm going to end up marrying. We're both a little weird but we understand each other. We have the same values. He makes up for what I lack and I think I'm a good influence on him, too.

You know you share the same values…after a week together? What values are those?

What do you feel you bring to the reship?

> We were talking about our sexual histories recently and I initially didn't care about his number but now I'm feeling a little insecure every time we do something sexual. There's just no statistical likelihood that I am the best anything he's ever had. I have some very nice features but I don't feel like I'll ever be his favorite anything :(

Fishing for compliments again :p

> I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough for this guy and he's settling for me because he's getting antsy to settle down.

Wild Nice Girl?

(Funny that this definition treats you like a victim rather than misogynist…hmm.)

> He's done nothing short of treating me like a queen

this is great, but please make sure that he respects you, and doesn't just try and dazzle you and buy his way into your pants

> and I'm worried he's just faking it. I feel so stupid but it's a real worry of mine. I have no reason to believe he isn't invested in me or isn't attracted to me other than knowing what he looks like (amazing) and how he lives (has a shit ton of fun and friends) vs what I look like (cute but definitely not hot enough for him) and how I live (depressed, boring, no friends, nothing really going for me right now).

STAHPPP

Dude it's like I've stumbled across Bella Swan incarnate.

You're doing this 'compare+despair' thing which if you were a guy would be repulsive. I now realise that you're recovering from depression; did you have CBT? Were you taught any techniques to deal with Negative Automatic Thoughts and toxic core beliefs?

> I haven't known him long enough to feel comfortable bringing it up... It usually takes a few months of dating someone for me to feel comfortable advocating for myself like this.

OK, so you have had boyfriends before. May I ask, why did you guys break up?

> So I have to suck it up and just either work up the courage to say "hey, I feel weird about this and I'd feel better if we did something to make me more comfortable," or I need to accept that my inaction means I also forfeit my right to be upset about it.

Yeah OP this is a bit of a red flag. You've got [Aunties derp typos, that should read you've got ONEITIS on this guy.] (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/09/oneitis/all/1/) Except you're dating him as opposed to friendzoned.
Carry on with this attitude however, and you are likely to either

a) Be one of the rare women to get friendzoned

b) End up in an abusive relationship which will make you miserable.

I am NOT saying that your partner is abusive. We simply do not have enough info to determine that about a total stranger. What I AM saying, is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally (not just physically, you gym bunny you) to ensure no one takes advantage of you.

If you feel any of these above links relate to you, please consider reading the book Co-Dependent No More, and tell me if it helps. :)

tl;dr Gurl you need to get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good luck!

My three rules, they don't have to be yours but they work for me:

1. I don't loan money. Whenever money is given, it is a gift. I do not expect to see it again and I don't want to see it again.
   
2. If the underlying cause of money problems is immaturity and misbehavior, like taking a vacation instead of paying rent, the only possible way they're getting money is if we address the misbehavior first. I am completely within my rights to do this because it's my money.
   
3. If the person is truly down on their luck, I am extremely excited to give. It is one of the reasons I want to make money, to help people that need it. If I am not giving anonymously, I will also provide emotional support, and want to make sure the person in need is truly taken care of.
   
   Also, I hope this is useful:
   
   I'm hearing that this is a major boundary violation. Healthy boundaries are the foundation for healthy relationships. Please, please, please go read this book: "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life", Henry Cloud
   
   Something I heard that I love: "No is a complete sentence." If you don't want to do something, you are completely within your rights to just say No. It's your money. At that point, if the person in question goes on to guilt trip, get mad at you, blame you, persecute you, play the victim, or get exceptionally needy or clingy, you have a boundaries issue.

You're being a Mr. Nice Guy. Going out of your way to please her and get nothing but bitching in return.

You're putting your needs behind hers and create these covert contracts: "if I'm this nice to her, SURELY she will want to have sex with me!"

Well, she doesn't. She is not sexually attracted to you. No amount of gifts or chores will change that.

> She announced in marriage counseling that I am being mean to her because I didn't get laid.

The right way to look at this is that you decided to not give her time and attention and money unconditionally any more.


If she's acting like a room mate, that's cool, you treat her like a room mate. Set some boundaries. She's acting extremely needy and disrespectful based on what you wrote. But that's because your past behavior thought her that it's an effective strategy.


Time to stop making her the center of your universe. Focus on yourself. Find your own happiness independent of her. Go to the gym improve yourself, spend time with your friends, do interesting/fun stuff.

And read the book.

Just commenting to say I know where you are. My INTJ friend has stuck with me through some honestly crazy times, and she's always seemed to encourage me to accept myself rather just judge myself unfairly.

I've also found reading about the "authentic self" particularly helpful, as well as doing activities that encourage you to get more in touch with your inner voice - such as tarot, where you're reflecting and reading deeply into your own psyche, meditation, and tapping accupressure points with affirmations- what I try to practice is something called Emotional Freedom Technique which some people say is too new-agey but I find really helps me let go of emotions that build up or don't belong to me.

Have courage and faith in yourself. Find INFJ role models to help you appreciate your unique charm ;)

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

Here are tools. First, it's important to know that full/viable relationships have 5 stages and you're not getting past the first stage of infatuation. Read link 1.

Then, it's clear this is a pattern of a person who is Avoidance Codependent in relationship addiction. Read link 2.

Now, that you've learned how a full relationship grows and your pattern in avoidance in relationships; you must get to the root of your codependency and emotional unavailablity. Read link 3.

When you do all of your work, since you're starting earlier than me (congratulations). Enjoy the rest of your twenties and meet someone who shares your values with love, care, trust and respect. Link 4.

1: http://www.agape-aid.org/saveamarriage/relationshipstages.php

2:
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062506048/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CFgACbSJFQEPJ

3.
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062505890/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-FgACb1R6VGVR

4.
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/build-trust/

Link for values:
https://scottjeffrey.com/personal-core-values/

Do yourself a favor and read No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The main argument in the book is that nice guys are usually seeking the approval of others and fail to invest enough in themselves, this is why they are afraid to "push boundaries" afraid to "make a move" and afraid to make mistakes or misread the situation (as in your case), in essence they are afraid to be themselves. A confident man is more concerned with his opinion of himself than the opinion others have of him.

Here's the first few passages from the book to wet your appetite:

Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others.

I call these men Nice Guy .

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

Sound too good to be true?

It is.

Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. This frustration is due to the fact that Nice Guys have believed a myth. This myth is the essence of what I call the Nice Guy Syndrome.

The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.

I've been in your shoes. I was married to a woman for 8 years. I loved her dearly but after 8 years of her picking stupid fights and leaving me every 6 months only to come back a week later, I had enough. Actually my health wouldn't take it any more. I was physically exhausted as well as mentally and I threw in the towel without any thoughts or looking back.

It's been really hard for me the past 4 years because like you, I thought she was perfect in every other way. I also knew that she suffered for being separate from me, but 8 years of being attacked had taken it's toll and that was it for me. I often feel like crying and have a hard time relating to people because of all the baggage I carry from that relationship, but after 4 years I feel I am finally starting to come out of this emotional hole I've been living in.

Since then I've learned that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to that I was enabling her behavior by being too forgiving. I am/was a nice guy who would forgo his own needs in order to keep harmony in a relationship. Robert A. Glover speaks about it really well in his book No More Mr Nice Guy . I was easily manipulated by her and a great patsy.

The last few years have been a great time of discovery about her and about myself. It's been very hard but I think I am better for it. If I hadn't gone through that bad relationship, I would have never found out my own weaknesses and worked on them. I'm still not in a relationship but I feel a really satisfying one is just around the corner, mostly because I am more of a whole person. Now my needs come first. I don't let anyone walk all over me.

Somehow I seem to attract manipulators because I've had to put my foot down many times with various friends since she's been gone. But I can do it now because my tolerance for bullshit has been whittled down to next to nothing. Now my needs come first and if you try to manipulate me, you are cut out of my life.

I don't know if you guys have a shot but if you do, you've got to understand that what you are dealing with is no joke and needs attention and work. She needs to understand that things won't get better without admitting her problem and asking for help from others and you need to stop enabling her.

It's not an easy road but I hope you better luck than I had.

I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.

And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.

Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.

Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way:

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=borderline&qid=1568749104&s=gateway&sr=8-5 - have read this one - it is good

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=borderline&qid=1568748960&s=gateway&sr=8-2 - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience.

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_sbs_14_19?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0765703319&pd_rd_r=1df02639-93bb-4407-a19e-09f71cb173bc&pd_rd_w=8tGI6&pd_rd_wg=FsKic&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5&psc=1&refRID=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5 - have also heard good things about this one.

The Language of Letting Go

People say books change their lives all of the time but for real this book changed my life. It’s meant for people in recovery but I found the daily passages to be beneficial to everyone.

I like to read the day’s passage at night before bed and journal. The author encourages goal setting, establishing boundaries, and practicing self-care. It might sound silly to do these things but I promise it really helps you change the way you think about yourself. You’ve got to love you before anyone else can :)

Also, I’m 2 months shy of 30 and I still have moments of being insecure/awkward/lost because that is part of being human. Don’t forget to practice self compassion :)

You might want to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Also, have you talked with your school's guidance counselor? You are badly in need of therapy.

Your friend Ari is amazing. You are very lucky to have such a great friend. Though please, please, please realize a few things.

• Ari is a person, too. She has her own limits. I realize the depression has you stuck in your head, but please don't push her past her limits.
  
• Most girls do NOT ever want to be compared to anyone's mom. I know you just meant it as a joke, but most girls find it deeply insulting. She just wants to be your friend. She never wants to "mother" you.
  
• New York is cold this time of year. And it's only getting colder. You should stay in Florida for the next 6 months.
  
• Do you ever ask Ari how she's doing? Look out for her interests, too. Friendship is a two-way relationship. Make sure you're giving back to the relationship somehow.
  
  Anyway, yeah, you need to find a therapist and start talking about your problems to a professional. I would go to your school's guidance counselor first since it sounds like your mother is the source of a lot of your problems.
  
  Good luck.
  
  PS: Punctuation is your friend... ;)

Again, I'm not a professional anything.

I've seen this sort of thing before in other couples, and I've shown these same patterns myself. I'm going to speak for myself, because I don't know the particulars of your situation, and I don't want to pretend that I do.

Ten years ago, I didn't have the tools to get my needs met in a healthy way. It was either all or nothing. My thinking was "everything will be perfect if..." and anything that didn't act how I wanted--myself included--was the problem.

It took a 12-step program, a lot of reading and on-and-off counseling over many years, but I have a toolkit now that makes me much more functional and happy. It makes the people around me much more comfortable, too (with certain hilarious exceptions.)

I'm talking about things like literally learning how to apologize and make amends. I seriously didn't know how until I sat down and learned it.

Today I accept that making a mistake doesn't mean I am a mistake. I accept that everyone is fighting a great battle. I accept that I can make amends instead of making guilt stew.

The good news is a person like me can learn new habits and patterns of thinking.

The bad news is no one else can fix that person. It has to come from within.

For you, I recommend Codependent No More, which changed my life.

For your partner, I recommend professional help for his depression so he has a healthy mental state for dealing with the rest.

> How did y’all learn how to start saying no ?

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. For the cheap, full text at https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt

You are people pleasing, and need to be assertive.
This generally has to do with craving approval.

You need self approval. Perhaps by developing moral standards of behavior and judging yourself by those, instead of how happy people around you are, or how "well liked" you are.

As I have aged I have gotten much more disagreeable, in the sense of the big 5 personality model.
My attitude is very MGTOW - if you don't like me or how I behave, don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I know that I am a good person, because I know what my morality is and I know that I stick to it instead of caving due to weakness or craving or convenience. Since I know that I am good, idgaf if you think that or not.

---

Wisdom helps too.

I have learned from the Buddhists that graciously accepting gifts allows other people to exercise their generosity.
I have extended this. Accepting praise allows others to exercise their pro-social inclinations, and thus makes the world a better place. (Ditch public professions of modesty - just say thanks, but don't let it swell your head!)

In the same way, helping people can cripple the development of their self reliance.

Without consequences, growth will not occur. This is why fathers are much more important than mothers; rather than smother and protect they push the little ones out of the nest, just as much as the little ones can handle.

Why did she trust someone undependable? Why was she partying on her last nickle? (Being a cock tease to sponge free drinks?) Why is she even broke at all - no job, no budget, no limits on spending?

Here's what I learned in sales management, about the design of incentive programs: people do what you pay them for. Tie bonus to design wins, get a lot of low-volume junk designs. Tie incentives to volume, find salesmen tanking the price to get volume. It's actually quite a challenge to get right.

So you are incentivizing this chick to be irresponsible, by supporting that behavior.
Whatever you pay for, you will get more of!

>It sounds like you did this and are projecting on to me. I am not your wife, so please don’t assume you know the dynamics of relationship with my soon to be ex.

I am not projecting anything. I am simply giving you a different POV of how you stated things. I thought I was pretty clear in my response

>Take a step back and do some self analysis. I know nothing of your STBX and I also know nothing of you, but the way you talk ... sheds some light

>Where does all your money go? If you are working in your business and not earning money, that is a hobby, not a job.

Combative, aggressive, and demeaning. I agree with you, though. My STBX was the same. She wanted me to pay for everything and she wanted to keep 'her' money to herself. But the way you wrote that always leads to a fight

>If you are going to come back much later than you said, please tell me. He never did.

On board with you on this one. Except she saw it as me wanting to control her life. I told her "we've got a 1 and 3 year old at home, I would like to know where their mother is going to be and when she plans on coming home.. that is not controlling, it is the basic block of a relationship!"

>I apologized and took him out to dinner to say sorry.

You are describing traits of a codependent. Read https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

But understand this, your STBX didn't make you a codependent, something in your upbringing did. And codependents tend to put themselves in "rescue me" situations.

>He took our son to his friends smoke shop and I told him that wasn’t appropriate.

How old is your son? did he smoke? You realize that once you divorce, if he gets 50/50, then he can do that and you will have no say since it is his parenting time ?

>He flicked our kids in the head, pulled their ears, and spanked them hard enough to leave bruises. I stood up against him and protected them. He yelled in my face and called me a bitch for doing so

Not going to touch this one. Sorry.

>saying you should never criticize a partner is not realistic.

You have a long and hard path ahead of you. I wish you luck. This sub can provide a lot of very meaningful help, just make sure you turn the magnifying glass on yourself and don't spend all your time criticizing your ex

I did a write up a while ago, maybe it might help you

https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/bxcifm/rpas_guide_to_divorce_phase_1_near_death_of_the/

Having dealt with this exact thing myself and mostly overcoming it, I think I may have a helpful perspective. Part of the reason I got emotional standing up to people is exactly because I was bottling up my emotions inside literally ALL the time. I rarely asked for what I wanted. I rarely told people when I had an issue with something they did that I didn't like. I was basically Mr. Nice Guy(tm). When I actually got into a situation where I felt like confrontation was the ONLY option, the built up pressure would explode and I would tear up, resulting in the rather incongruous body and facial language you seemingly experienced.

I am happy to say that recently, this has not been nearly as much of an issue. This is because I had a few self realizations and then practiced to overcome the self limiting beliefs that were bottling me up.

What were those self limiting beliefs?

• That other's needs are more important than mine.
  
• That I require approval from others to have worth.
  
• That emotions are best left unexpressed.
  
  I am still working on overcoming these beliefs today, even though I have made huge strides. It's a process and it's hard work, but the payoff is worth it: Better friendships, easier time meeting and attracting the opposite sex, more comfortable work environment. It improved every area of my life.
  
  Here was my plan of attack:
  
  
• Ask for what I want more often and ask directly without only hinting that I want that thing. People will respect you for knowing what you want and asking for it without couching it in subtle deceit to retain their approval. I wish I knew this sooner.
  
• When people ask me for things, I no longer regard myself as a doormat and simply give give give with no benefit to myself. That only builds up resentment and lack. I started asking for concessions and trades. If I did something for someone, I made sure it benefited both of us, and not just the other person.
  
• Took more risks. Risked asking girls out, risked talking to strangers, risked trying new activities and visiting new places
  
  There's more to cover here that I think could be of help, but this book by Dr. Robert Glover probably has all the info you need:
  https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

I was introduced to buddhism while in recovery. There are some great sources out there that you might be able to benefit from. Here are a couple of books that helped me and can answer your questions much better than I:

One Breath at a Time; and

Zen of Recovery.

You are certainly not alone, if that gives you any comfort. During my time in Alcoholics Anonymous, I met a number of others with buddhist practices. If you are interested in learning more or stopping, you might find something useful in r/stopdrinking or r/alcoholism. I'll leave you with one other wonderful piece of wisdom that someone shared with me once on the subject.

"I didn't start meditating so I could stop drinking. I stopped drinking so I could start meditating."

Good luck.

*Added links

> On the other side, my mom defended me from bullies, drove me to school every day, cared for me and could be really sweet... This is confusing to me

This is precisely the reward-and-reinforcement mechanism people like Theo Lidz, Gregory Bateson, Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland, Don Jackson, Jay Haley, Virginia Satir, Jules Henry, Ronald D. Laing and Aaron Esterson saw two and three generations ago in the families of origin of their schizophrenic patients. And that Diana Baumrind ultimately saw after she did her original work on the various parenting styles. Having worked with well over a hundred people with BPD (not suggesting you have it), I have seen the flip-flop mother -- pretty likely stuck in learned helpless codependence to the intimidating, abusive, narcissistic father -- so many times in the families of origin of the BPD pts that I'm relatively certain it's a fairly common etiological set-up. In whatever event...

1. Substance Abuse: IF one is abusing alcohol, nicotine in any form, or other rec or Rx substances, they'll have to stop. SA can cause -- or worsen -- this in people with specific genetics and behavioral conditioning (see below). Alcoholics Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous can be helpful. Or using the SAMHSA facility locator online to find a detox & rehab.
   
   
2. If one is NOT doing the above, they may need lab work to determine if they have hormonal (e.g.: thyroid) or metabolic (e.g.: low Vitamin D3) imbalances. See a competent MD, DO, PA or NP. (To find one in your area, use the clinician locators mentioned below or get a referral from your GP/PC doc.)
   
   
3. Medications, but only if really needed to get one stabilized enough to do next seven things on this list: Find a board certified psychopharmacologist in your area by using the physician locators below. Getting psych meds from a GP or primary care doc can be useless or even risky. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are just too complex now for most GPs and primary care docs.
   
   
4. Support Groups: Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families (ACA), Emotions Anonymous (EA), and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. All of their websites have meeting locators.
   
   
5. Books and academic, professional websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). Strongly recommended because they all understand the upshots of having been stressed into fight, flight or freeze for too long, including complex PTSD: Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Patricia Ogden, Ronald Kurtz, Laurence Heller, Bruce McEwen, Sonya Lupien and Robert Sapolsky. Look for an online article entitled "Treat Autonomic AND Cognitive Conditions in Psychopathology?" to get you oriented. Accurate information is power. More books:
   Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
   
   Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
   
   Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
   
   Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
   
   Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
   
   Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
   
   
6. Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T) as the "interoceptive" 9th of The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing to manage any C-PTSD time bombs that turn up, but had good results over the years with several of the
   
   . . . a) cognitive behavioral therapies (CBTs), including Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), collegiate critical thinking, and Schema Therapy; the
   
   . . . b) "super" (or mindfulness-based) CBTs like Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mind-Body Bridging Therapy (MBBT), and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR); and the
   
   . . . c) "deep cleaners" like Eye-Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Hakomi Body Centered Psychotherapy (HBCP), Somatic Experiencing Psychotherapy (SEPt), Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T), and the Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM).
   
   One can look up all of those by name online. The CBTs deconstruct one's inaccurate beliefs, values, ideals, principles, convictions, rules, codes, regulations and requirements about how we or they (or the world) should / must / ought / have to be. DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT and MBSR are terrific for emotional symptom management. EMDR, HBCT, SEPt, SP4T and NARM are first-rate for memory-reprocessing, sense-making and detachment from the conditioning, programming, etc.
   
   To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look on the "therapists" and "psychiatrists" sections of the Psychology Today.com clinician locator, or the "find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry" section of the WebMD website; the SAMHSA's treatment facility locator, and -- for DBT specialists in particular -- on the Behavioraltech.org website. If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Then interview them as though they were applying for a job with your company. Most psychiatrists, btw, are not therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often excellent sources of referral.
   
   
7. Mindfulness Meditation: Try the Vipassana or Theravada Meditation styles? (For a lot of people with anxiety, unwanted mania and depression, this stuff handles them all chop chop. Many of the modern "mindfulness"-based psychotherapies are actually based on these now.) The article "The Feeling is Always Temporary" at pairadocks.blogspot.com provides a nice summation of it.
   
   
8. Therapy Workbooks: I got a lot of lift-off by using inexpensive workbooks built on CBT, ACT, DBT, MBBT and MBCT workbooks like these, and these, and these, and these.
   
   
9. Moderate Exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while... and it can help to "massage" the brain so that it responds more quickly to psychotherapy.
   
   
10. Diet: A lot of people with depression, mania and/or anxiety eat very poorly. Junk food -- not to mention too little nutritious food -- will definitely impact those who are overly stressed and make symptoms worse. High-quality frozen meals are better than McFood of almost any kind, but HQ fresh (especially Mediterranean -- though not pizza -- and Asian) food appears to be best for pts with C-PTSD symptoms. Healthy fats in moderation, btw, are known to be good for depression. Add a 1000 IU soft gel of Vitamin D3, too.
    
    Of the ten, #3 and #6 are the only ones that cost much, and several are totally free.
    
    

Thanks.

>At what point do you think you have a problem with porn? And fapping?

After reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" this book was spot on in describing me as a person and I simply knew that it was right when I read in it about sexual problems guys like me have.

>Do you think that those problems are the reason why you are virgin?

You mean fapping/porn/alcohol? Partially yes, but I think my social anxiety/retardedness are much more of a problem. This is why I mentioned therapy, I still have a long way to go and I won't be able to do it alone.

>Do you think that with all of those things out of your life you'll be more successful at getting your sexual needs met in a more healthy manner?

I hope so, I simply think that those were steps I needed to make if I ever want to be happy. If you're interested this post talks about this in more depth, point 1) is especially relevant I think.

>What is your opinion on those things in moderation? Do you think you are capable of enjoying them in moderation?

Alcohol - no way, I am a son of an alcoholic. Porn - the post I mentioned above should clarify this. Masturbation - yep, I intend to go back to fapping this week and continue to do it once or maybe twice a week in a healthy manner.

When all you know is abuse it is hard to question leaving it. This is all you know.

My love please continue to just look out just for you. Your family does not deserve you and you dear do deserve love and respect.

Please try to find a support group in the USA to help you find your inner strength. Adult Children of Alcoholics is for anyone who has dealt with family dysfunction and on going abuse, whether there was alcohol or drugs involved. You will find support at these meetings.
https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

You can search for meetings in your area here: https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/

Or order this book online...this book saved me: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127

No one deserves to be treated this way. Sending you many blessings and much love from Canada. Please come to Canada if you feel unsafe elsewhere. Much love

It sounds like your friend's problem is less that she's a naive person and more that she has poor boundaries. Boundaries are what let us become angry, to say "no," and to fight back when an injustice is committed against us. Sometimes defending a boundary is something small like refusing a "perfectly reasonable, small" request that you don't want to fulfill, and sometimes it's something important like macing someone who's sexually assaulting you. Without an understanding of where her boundaries lie and how to defend them, your friend will be unable to avoid "being taken advantage of."

Therapy is always my recommendation for this, because poor boundaries are usually a symptom of some other problems. But your friend can probably benefit from a book like Boundaries which I haven't read but seems to be a highly regarded text on the techniques of identifying and defending boundaries. The sample excerpts on Amazon convince me it's worth reading and probably just what your friend may find useful. Please note; as an atheist, I find the religious elements of the book useless and possibly unpleasant, but despite constantly appealing to the Bible the authors nonetheless use the language of Christianity to describe a pretty solid model of boundaries- even to an extent that I think they offer a very useful correction that all churches should read.

If, like me, you prefer to avoid strong religious tones, you may prefer Stop Walking On Eggshells, which is mostly a book about dealing with a loved one with personality disorders. But the techniques of dealing with personality disorders are almost entirely techniques of defending boundaries, so about half the book talks about what to do and how to do it.

Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.

I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from marriagebuilders.com in an effort to rebuild our relationship.

It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)

Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.

During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.

In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.

It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.

We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.

I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.

It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.

Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?

Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.

Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life


Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.

You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.

Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.

This. Yes, this guy needs a lot of work on his inner and outer man. I’d like to piggyback on your comment with my advice as well.

• Go full monk mode for a while. Maybe several months. Learn to take care of yourself. Eat clean, drink less, work out, read, meditate, etc. You need to learn to approve yourself and not seek the approval of others. This will only happen if you learn to take care of yourself. You can’t approve of yourself if you’re 80 lbs overweight. It won’t happen. But 80 lbs is doable, so lift and cardio. After you’ve gotten in decent shape, buy better clothes and groom yourself accordingly.
  
• Do you have strong relationships with other men? Find some. Do you have hobbies and passions that you love? Find some. Maybe it’ll be MMA. Maybe rock climbing or backpacking. Your confidence will grow and you’ll learn to enjoy life and yourself a lot more.
  
• Read TRP. Especially read any post that gets over 100 upvotes. As the community has grown, there have been more posts that really aren’t solid advice, so watch out. But you need to internalize TRP principles. Understanding SMV, abundance mentality, “nexting”, etc. will help your dating life immensely. A widow with an adopted child has a very low SMV and you dodged a bullet.
  
• Read “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” All your texting and asking about plans reminds me of my old self (cringe). You were putting too much into things and trying to do things to seek her approval. Of course she lost interest. As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I can relate.
  
• Don’t post on TRP for a while. Just read and listen. You’ll go through the phases… Anger, etc. Feel free to comment when it is beneficial. After a while you’ll get what I mean.
  
  Good luck, brother. I’m sure there is more advice, but I’m short on time. Anything else anyone would like to add?
  

I can relate to a lot of this. I grew up in a toxic household that gave VERY mixed signals on cleaning and organizing. Your paralysis in cleaning up and completing tasks on time is quite likely due to being neurally wired that way by a fearful and fraught upbringing. It takes directed effort to undo it (often via a trauma-aware therapist) and sometimes also meds.

I dunno if you've read anything about c-PTSD, but if you don't have the means to regularly see a therapist right now, it might help to read up on trauma and its long-term effects. Pete Walker has some good articles on his site. The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life is also very insightful. And have you seen anyone about your depression? For real, antidepressants helped me a LOT with general motivation.

For learning to stay on task, I found ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life to be super helpful. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD; it was just a really good starting point for someone like me. FlyLady is a very gentle, positive site for learning about how to tidy up, so check that out.

Also, I promise not all Millennials are Konmari minimalists who will judge you forever for having stuff. I've seen all levels of stuff in the homes of people my age or younger. Friends were on the whole way more chill (maybe too chill) than I expected about the condition of my apartment over the years.

SMART Recovery Family & Friends is an alternative to Alanon and Johnson-style intervention.

It's based on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement And Family Training) which was developed by Dr. Bob Meyers.

CRAFT was one of the methods featured on the HBO series 'Addiction'.

There are online meetings available, a discussion board, and face to face meetings have started in some locations.

Most of the material centers around a book "Get Your Loved One Sober", which was co-authored by Bob Meyers, but there are other materials used as well.

The groups put a lot of focus on what you can do for yourself, first... and then how you can reinforce your loved one's good behavior while detaching yourself from their addictive behavior.

I've been a volunteer meeting facilitator for SMART Recovery for over 10 years, and I've heard a lot of positive feedback from the people using Family & Friends.

Confidence. It honestly really just comes down to confidence. I suggest you give this a read: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

You describe that you are fit, educated, working etc. that means that there is something in your interactions with people or your general behavior that's stopping you or coloring your interest's perspective of you. Since this sounds like a recurring theme, it's safe to say that you are the common denominator in this pattern.

You are 23, so while you should be proud of all of these accomplishments they are not going to win someones heart for you. Most of the people your age are looking for a connection, a distraction, some fun, and if all goes well potentially a relationship. Spend some time thinking about what was happening when you noticed a change in the person you were seeing. See if you can find some clues to change some behavior. I'd be willing to bet you are just taking things really seriously really quickly, which can make someone who is not as serious immediately a little wary of you. I had the same habit at 23, with a similar list of accomplishments. The gods honest truth is that I was so worried about the end goal (relationship) that I wasn't making the journey fun, which causes the journey to end.

Here's a recent post about not loving our N parents that might help show you that you are not the only one who feels this way. I HATED my mother growing up. She was and still is a very unloving, brutal person. Why would I love her? The guilt is probably just societal programming, where not loving and honoring your parents is blasphemous. But if you look at it logically, it makes total sense why we feel this way. How would a dog react to being hit every time it came close to you? Would it love you and try to be affectionate with you? NO. It would probably cower in fear around you or any person, and would snap and attack. Why should we hold ourselves to a different standard than we would any other animal? You get what you give, and what have they given us?

If I were you, I would emancipate myself entirely and ASAP. This is close to what I did. Right at 18, I moved hours away and mostly paid almost all my own bills. My parents really didn't support me too much. I think my mother took out one small school loan and my dad sent me $100 a month, but I could have easily survived without that. I removed ALL ties with them as quickly as I could, because they used anything for manipulation. This really isn't too hard to do.

If you can't do that right now, it sounds like you're detaching emotionally which is good. Maybe you can just keep to yourself and try to survive until you get some physical distance from them. Don't engage them in any way. Only interact with them when you HAVE to. If they hassle you, maybe you can just agree (in principle or even just to placate them) and exit the situation ("yep you're probably right about that, OK gotta go!"). But DO try to get out ASAP. Don't jump into another shitty situation though. See if you can find a female roommate you can stand living with. I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend or another male just out of desperation because I find this usually ends BADLY. But obviously this is up to you. Try to find a place that's SAFE for you and don't just jump from one shitty situation to another.

Then as far as rebuilding your self-esteem, for me I had to get into therapy. If you can do this it could save your life. If that isn't possible, here are a list of cheap books that have helped me immensely (which I recommend reading and working through with or without therapy):

• Feeling Good and Ten Days To Self-Esteem by David Burns
  
• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
  
• Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (I don't agree with her recommendation on confronting your parents but the rest is good.)
  
  I believe there are a list of resources including a full list of books on the right sidebar too. If you don't like any of these resources, you can ALWAYS find something that will appeal to you if you keep working at it. There is SO much out there for us if we keep at it. Be sure to take breaks too. This work can be exhausting.
  
  If you can get into Al-Anon that might help too. I personally don't care for 12-step programs, but many people seemed to have been helped by them and Al-Anon is specifically recommended by many books. They say it's for people who have dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts, but I tell you I went to six meetings like they recommend, and it's NO DIFFERENT for those of us who have dealt with narcissism. I've read that all alcoholics are narcissists, so maybe that's why it was so relevant to me. One slogan I picked up that helped a lot is "You Didn't Cause It. You Can't Control It. You Can't Cure It." We didn't cause our parents to be the way that they are, we can't control it (no amount of letter writing, talking, setting boundaries, etc.) and there is nothing we can do to change them. The literature is pretty dismal when it comes to curing narcissism anyway (NPD). Either way, they'd have to want to get help and help themselves, which rarely ever happens. So we have to focus on ourselves and forget about helping them - this is not selfish! We were often groomed to take care of them and our feelings, wants and needs were completely inconsequential. We were just extensions of them. This is probably why it feels so selfish at first to start taking care of ourselves.
  
  >I'm currently depressed and see no good in life.
  
  I've been working at this for a LONG time and still feel this way sometimes. I think it's partly due to growing up where "you lose" is the name of the game. Getting your needs met is completely hopeless with N parents, so perhaps that feeling of hopelessness extends to all of life. Plus, hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression. If you feel hopeless, just know that it doesn't mean it's true. Feelings are NOT facts.
  
  Aside from my other recommendations, I would continue to come here and post and read all that you can read. Claw your way out of this bullshit if you have to. Journaling helps. Get a secure journal NO ONE ELSE will read and just free flow write your thoughts down. If you're feeling terrible, give your feelings a voice. It's like draining the poison from you. Plus if you're doing the work out of Feeling Good, you'll need a good journal to write in daily. My first therapist recommended this for YEARS and I never did it, but I tell it just free flow writing out shit does seem to help tremendously. If you have a Mac, you can use MacJournal, or for Windows there is "The Journal", both of which you can encrypt and password protect. If you want to just write on paper or if you already do just make sure you hide it well.
  
  The other night I had a bout of terrible depression and you would not BELIEVE the shit that I wrote down about myself ("you're a piece of shit!!!" and stuff like that). I wrote until I just felt "deflated", like I had drained myself. It helped a LOT. I then realized that I hadn't been doing several things for myself that I know have helped in the past, and I have rededicated myself to doing these things daily. Many of these actions I have recommended to you here.
  
  Hope this helps even in the slightest and good luck to you.

> and she just told me to follow Jehovah and not imperfect men.

She's just parroting what she's been told.

Look, I tried something similar with my own parents, about their spending habits, about their behaviors, about things that weren't directly JW-related. I was trying to help them function properly as adults, even when I was 9 years old.

They basically sneered at me and declared that since I was "a child", I couldn't possibly know more than they did (even tho their lives were a flaming mess).

It IS frustrating when a parent that one relies upon acts like an ostrich, sticking their heads in the sand. Especially when such a person (who clearly does NOT have her own act together) is holding you back & keeping you from fulfilling your own potential.

I would strongly advise you to take several emotional steps back and separate your present happiness and your future potential for happiness from your mother's actions, mental & emotional states, and whether or not she ever 'wakes up'.

Protect yourself, and let her go her own way. Or, as one family therapist quoted in the book "Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" put it:

>"If I could give my clients just one gift, it would be the ability to leave their families to their fates."

[edit to include link to book preview] http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

You understand that statement, right? You cannot continue being emotionally co-dependent with your mother. That gives her power over you, which she clearly will ALWAYS use to manipulate you towards becoming a Watchtower Society drone/slave.

Break free mentally & emotionally - learn to take several emotional steps backwards, & leave her to her cult membership. She has chosen that over you, so you really don't owe her prime loyalty in your life, either.

Be cool (easier said then done, right?). Don't worry, don't be hard on yourself. Some advice:

• don't try hard, be yourself (girls can smell desperation)
  
• smile more
  
• talk to everyone (get comfortable to talking to everyone: men and women)
  
• STOP MASTERBATING, stop looking at porn, you will feel more alive than you ever have. But stop. Learn to control yourself. Self-control is a lifelong battle for every man.
  
• start lifting weights now, 5x5 is a good place to start
  
• slowly start buying clothes that fit you properly (it takes years to build up a good wardrobe, buy quality)
  
• check out r/seduction to get an idea on how to be comfortable around girls, just realize girls read this stuff too and know the tricks, so don't be a douchebag - remember you want to be charismatic and likeable, not fake and manipulative
  
• read Models and No More Mr Nice Guy
  
• again....exercise, join a sports team, get in the habit of exercising and eating healthy, whole foods....cut out junk food now.
  
• stop watching TV and porn, start reading books, read up on Marcus Aurelius
  
  You have all of mankind's knowledge at your fingertips, use it...but use it wisely.
  
  I'll leave you with a quote from Fight Club (great book by the way):
  
  Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.

You don't like our health care system? You think it's better south of the border? You know how broke you would be if you guys were in the states?

She's sucking a metric ton of resources our of our health care system.

An 8 hour run in the er with children with you is about as much parenting pain as one can take. The situations you describe are a living nightmare. I can relate, I'm Canadian and have done it myself.

You need to stand up to your wife for your own reasons, she's bullying you emotionally. This type of behaviour form your wife will proablly manafest in your kids in a couple of decades.

You should read this book, it's not about being a dick, it's about aserting yourself in a health way. It's full of communication exercise that make me want to throw up but they are gold for most people. This book has helped a lot of men just like you.

https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

You should definitely check out this one as well, fantastic read.

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

If you find value in thoes books make sure to play it forward and help another man. It's why I'm here.

"I can see validity in his points concerning how men in my generation are by and large more socially awkward and less forward..."

There is definite truth to this statement and if you would like some elucidation as to why that is, might I suggest you check out No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover? It's a good, enlightening read into the mentality of the quiet, sensitive, "nice guy".

Amazon link to the book: LINK

And if you don't feel like ordering it, there are two options if you know how to use Bittorrent.

Book in PDF Format

Audiobook

And one direct download of the book in PDF format.

PDF Direct Download

I've downloaded all of these and there are no viruses or malware attached to them. They're safe.

EDIT:

After watching the video you posted, I'd like to say a few things about his "sermon". It was absolutely terrible and I think he's making it even worse for the single guys in the long run, as this sort of talk is apt to have the opposite effect that's intended. Shy and sensitive guys tend to recoil from being told to man-up, stop being a milquetoast, etc. He's belittling and shaming them, calling them eunuchs and losers, and also perpetuating the idea that the initiation of the relationship is entirely on the guy, which puts even more pressure on them, especially since they're apprehensive about relationship initiation to begin with. His words are those of a bully (a passionate bully, but a bully nonetheless), not of someone who understands and sympathizes with his target audience. He's also shaming them for not finding a wife. Maybe they don't want to get married or whatever; it's not paramount that everyone marries.

Instead, I think he should have gone into how one should learn to appreciate and love, or at least like themselves before trying to find someone to be with, without being selfish or arrogant about it. The thing these "losers" need to develop is self confidence, assertiveness, and a sense of self-worth. That's where inner strength comes from. Abrasive speech won't accomplish that.

Most women don't like pansies, that is true, yet the church environment is just the kind of fertile environment to foster these kind of guys. It teaches them to credit an outside entity for their success instead of letting them feel accomplished for their achievements they did on their own. It also gets them to blind themselves to problems they may have that they can fix by conceding that something "wasn't meant to be". Or, it gets them to think there's something wrong with them when there isn't because they're trying to stick to the "word" or the "rules" or whatever. It's sickening to me how consciously and subconsciously manipulative it all is.

Now, the one thing I do agree on in his message is about asking her in person if possible, and not going to a movie for the first few dates, but that's about it.

I say all this because I'm what one would consider a "nice guy" and have a lot of self-esteem and confidence issues when it comes to initiating relationships. I'm only in my mid 20s, but I haven't been on a date in over a decade, just to give you an idea. So that's my impression of what he has to say from my point of view.

No More Mr Nice Guy was the book I was referring to - hopefully other commenters can offer more examples.

I've been reading A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy & Enchiridion by Epicurus for some easy-to-digest MGTOW philosophy which has crossed nicely into the mainstream. For fiction I'd hugely recommend Whatever by Michel Houellebecq & Lights Out in Wonderland by DBC Pierre (one of my all-time favourites.)

To be fair, Bukowski can be read to help with the "Don't Give A Fuck" attitude that can help build your confidence. He tends to see women without the rose-tinted glasses, to put it delicately. He's written lots of poetry but his novels are the best. Bluebird is one of my favourite poems by him. Post Office is one of his great novels.

That's all I can think of for now.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:

1. I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.
   
   and,
   
   
2. The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.
   
   But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.
   
   Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.
   
   Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.

It helped me to understand what it means to be an emotionally-centered, confident man, and what women are actually attracted to.

I didn't have a clue about these things growing up. My father was emotionally unavailable, I was teased in school for being skinny, and I enjoyed video games and reading more than sports or cars. There wasn't a good masculine role model in my life.

This left me unprepared for high school, and when I did find girls that were attracted to me, I didn't know what to do with them. I figured if I acted like the jerks that I grew up with, they would like me. Turns out they just thought I was a jerk (go figure).

My lack of success and insecurities with women continued into college, but instead of acting like a jerk, I would end up being a doormat. I wasn't until my first "relationship" ended that I decided I needed to fix this part of my life and read the book.

It made me do a total 180 in terms of what I thought was expected of me as a man. Like removing a veil over my eyes. I recommended it to a friend and it did the same for him. I'm in a much healthier place now, mentally and physically, and my self-esteem is high. It's not something that changes overnight, but over time.

Two more books that I've read more recently which are also great are No More Mr. Nice Guy and The 3% Man

You should decide what your goal is and then dress for that. This sounds vague but these subtleties separate the men from the boys. It's what separates being "nice" versus being "kind." I never understood this stuff until I read No More Mr Nice Guy and The Way of the Superior Man. Questions like the one you asked are starting to go away for me from the perspective these authors present.

To get back to the topic...

• All compliments are not the same. Some are based around an item, some are based around you. You want the later.
  
• Do what you think approaches the self-actualized you. (Think of the confident you, what would he do and do that)
  
  Hope this helps.

It sounds like you're worrying a lot, certainly more than a 20-year old should. I'm really sorry to hear that.

It seems to me that a lot of the family pressure is being transferred to you, why that is could be for any number of reasons. This is called role reversal, and it is not a good thing. Parents (in any family) have the basic responsibility to provide physical and psychological security for their children, and provide positive role models that their children can look up to, and emulate to then succeed in life on their own. My parents did not provide much of these things, and it sounds like neither are yours.

It's not your job to make everything work in your family - parents are really the most responsible for setting rules, patterns, acceptable behaviour, etc.

Also try to consider that you have your own life to lead, and honestly at 20 years old you have an amazing amount still to discover about yourself and the world. A bit early to be agonizing over marriage & children! Again, if it was a critical thing for your parents (with regard to their age), they should have had children earlier, and so on. I really don't think it's fair that you should be worrying about those kind of things. However you end up leading your life is your choice, and that's the only way it should be. Good parents will love you regardless of your life choices, especially when 'who you are' is not a actually choice at all.

I would like to suggest you take a book called 'Toxic Parents', which I personally found tremendously insightful and helpful. You might get a lot out of it.

amazon - Toxic Parents

Some brain dump here:

• Hit the gym or get in shape otherwise. I really like the workouts from Neila Rey and Freeletics. It helps with confidence, as already said.
  
• Stop worrying about your ex. Went through similar situations. You as a person are not what other people do with you. You are what you make of your life. Go be yourself.
  
• Some books I found helpful in finding a "path": "No more Mr. Nice Guy" – if you think you're a too nice person, this book is really helpful in pointing out what's wrong about that. And poses some questions worth reflecting on. "Fire in the Belly – On Being a Man". Title says it all. Some really good questions in there about how you want to live your life. "The road less traveled" – some general life advice I found quite helpful.
  
• Probably don't start dating right away. Instead, focus on yourself and your passions. The rest will come later. Although I really like OKCupid, helps sorting out girls you wouldn't want to meet anyway.

Pasted from a comment I made the other day:

Dude, I love you asking about books!

•Codependent No More

•No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.

•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.

•Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.

•Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.

> I don't even know where to continue.

I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.

Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.

> She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.

You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.

The website I linked to above, http://outofthefog.website/ is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.

If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.

The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.

And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.

I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.

First of all sorry to hear about your childhood. I wasn't in a alcoholics family, but I was in a broken family so I do understand where you are coming from.


Being brought up in a unstable/chaotic family will surely have its scars and as kids we will blame ourself for whats going on in the family. My defence mechanism was being a rebel. When I was at school I was loyal to my friends a lot, not so much to others who 'normally' should be respected such as my mom or teachers. Also, I realise this because my dad pointed it out but, when I was in secondary school I was always out with my friends at internet cafes and was always home late. The reason was because it was my escape from the toxic environment in the house.


But right now I'm more the Lost Child. I'm not very social and most of the time I like being alone. I suggest you read this and this. It doesn't explore everything but its a good starter.




Recently some events did remind myself about my childhood, and started to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward again, and if you haven't read it yet i'd highly recommend you read it. It's my third time reading it and every time I realise something in me, or something about my friends.

I second the comments about therapy. Just started down the path of getting treatment for codependency after a long and tumultuous codependent/enabler/addict relationship. I'm just starting but already the clarity and insight I'm getting from it are doing me a world of good.

Therapy will also help you get over your "addiction" to her - which is a very real thing. The two books below have helped me immensely. The first helped me stop enabling my husband and helped me get the clarity and strength to leave him. The second is helping me understand and recover from my addiction to him.

Codependency: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Love Addiction: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work

Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:

• The Procrastination Equation / Steel
  
• The Willpower Instinct / Mcgonical
  
• The Happiness Advantage / Shawn Achor
  
• Straight-A Studnet / Cal Newport
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy / Glover
  
  All the rest, including positive psychology and Tony Robbins and all that jazz, didn't help me none.What area in your life do you want to improve?

Hey, it’s been 6 months for me and I recently started reading the book Women who love too much, the process of accepting I fit this book’s premise so well is painful, but acceptance will bring freedom and I am trying to heal so that I can learn from this pain. I highly recommend the book. Leaving you the link here: Women Who Love Too Much: When You... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1416550216?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

This is so far my to go list, no particulary order:

Body Language

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

No More Mr Nice Guy

The Flinch

The Blueprint Decoded

How to Win Friends & Influence People

The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them

These books/dvds/audiobooks are about self development and basic understanding of human behaviour, I honestly think everybody can benefit from this stuff.

Edit:

Also find a good book about improving your voice, no idea here because I use one in german.

Yes, I was very much like that as well. For me, it took therapy and I highly recommend it. For me, the wounds were just too deep for just books or friends to heal. I needed a professional.

You also may find something helpful in this book. What you are describing is at least in part codependency and many people have recommended this book for htat problem. However, I admit that I haven't read it. I have only had close friends that loved it and found it very helpful.

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

I'm going to say a tentative yes, but it's still in progress. Once I moved away, I gave myself some serious advantage in that my nrents don't:

• know where I live (they can send mail to a post office box address - they know what city I'm in)
  
  
  
• have my actual phone numbers (they have a Google voice number)
  
  
  
• have my husband's contact info (I am the sole point of contact after they gaslighted him)
  
  
  
• know where I work
  
  
  
• know the same people
  
  This was pretty difficult for a few reasons. I had to be careful not to send/call from a number I didn't want them to have. Because they resorted to contacting everyone they knew I was friends with and "casually" asking if they had contact info for me (usually mentioning that they hadn't heard from me for a while (aaaaaw, it's so sad they have such an awful kid!)), I had to keep most of my friends in the dark as well (in some cases, I wasn't super close with the people they were calling, and this was simply easier than explaining and answering questions). In other words, it required planning and vigilance to sustain. The only people they called were people who had their contact info out online.
  
  I've had some success with this, because putting that extra distance allows me a buffer space with time to process and think before responding to them. There were some hysterics when I didn't answer within 12-24 hours, which I ignored and had a laugh over.
  
  They came into town to visit last year and we had an awkward meal at a restaurant. That was all we did, because I didn't know how it would go. They wanted to come over and see where I lived but I told them it was such a mess. At the core, it's a control issue - they want you to react the same way you always have when they pull a string, so when you don't they try to restore their control. If you can stay one calm step ahead of them, you might be ok with SC provided you plan it out before hand. The key is not allowing them to push you into anything that you may not be able to handle.
  
  These books helped me prepare myself and find the hidden triggers:
  
  
  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
  
  
  Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
  
  

There's a lot going on here.

1. Go to Amazon and order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
   
2. In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
   
3. Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)
   
   Regarding the elopement:
   
   
4. Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.
   
   People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.
   
   
5. Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.
   
   There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.
   
   You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.
   
   
6. Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.
   
   Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.

It seems likely that she may have a personality disorder. The behavior you describe would make life difficult for any child. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with her acting like this while you were growing up, and it sounds like you are still dealing with her acting out.

Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? If not, it may help you identify more of her behaviors and understand how they may have affected you. Lawson describes various ways that BPD can be expressed that can appear different on the surface but are all tied to the same disorder.

It's awfully hard to love someone who is so emotionally volatile. One thing I've found helpful is to establish and enforce boundaries that will give you space to be a healthy person, to be yourself rather than an extension of her. The book Boundaries by Clound and Townsend is an excellent introduction to the idea and can teach you how to begin setting boundaries.

Ultimately, though, your mom may choose to not respect your boundaries, in which case you will need to create separation from her in order to be emotionally safe and healthy.

I highly recommend the books Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships and Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change.

FWIW, I met my wife when she was 35, and we're very happy together. A 'dating fast' sounds like a great idea, to me.

Here are some things I think may help:

• Go for a run/lift weights/some physical activity so that you become tired and want to sleep. Even if it's just 20 push ups!
  
  
• Meditate
  
  
• 5-10 mg of Melatonin
  
  
• Read a book
  
  
• Watch some mindless TV. I like Friends.
  
  
• Call a friend you haven't chatted with in a while out of the blue and see if you can catch up!
  
  
• https://www.doyogawithme.com/
  
  
• Learn an instrument, practice a skill (writing, programming, etc.)
  
  
• Listen to music you feel good about and can jam/sing along to.
  
  
• Find some evening meetups on meetup.com
  
  
• Do something creative! Like draw/write poetry.
  
  
• Learn about addiction! Here are 2 good books that have helped me tremendously:
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521224469&sr=8-1&keywords=gabor+mate+in+the+realm+of+hungry+ghosts
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1521224489&sr=1-2&keywords=allen+carr+easy+way+to+quit+smoking
  
  Good luck! You'll find a way!

IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.

I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.

These two books helped me:

• Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
  
• No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover
  
  A big take away is to stop worrying about impressing women with your niceness. Don't say or do things hoping to get anything in return, don't build a friendship hoping to turn it into something. Get some hobbies, work on yourself, and just be a real genuine nice person and things will turn around.
  
  Two years ago I couldn't get a date to save my life. Now I date regularly. I attribute it to #1 not giving a fuck, #2 having more confidence, and #3 being in better shape. In that order.

:-) Well. It depends on your age. If you are very young you have to depend on them for it. But if you have reached at least teenage, you are able to be independent.

Parents can be toxic and damaging if they are not good enough and in that case you have to wean yourself off them for emotional support. You have to start not caring about whether they approve of you or not. Join support groups, find more friends and most of all, you have to be emotionally self-reliant. There's a term called Codependency and this book is very popular for that same topic.

But the financial support is the issue. You can still be financially dependent on them while being able to be emotionally independent. Just make them happy on the surface and be on control on the inside knowing that you just need them for the money and know that they are wrong for forcing you for these conventions.

You havent told your age, your financial status, about your job, your ability to be on your own. I'm assuming there's no way you can be on your own 100%. Are you looking for a better job etc? Many people have to wait until they can do those things so its ok.

But you definitely dont have to be emotionally dependent on them (unless you are less than 13 or 14 years old). When people reach around 15 they can think on their own and be able to survive in situations where their parents are idiots. Because they are forcing you to go to these events, I'm going to say that they are because they have disowned you for expressing your own wishes to not go there. Sorry I have a low tolerance level for bad parents/parenting.

And what do you mean by "emotional support" from your parents? They aren't giving you much of it by ignoring what you want and forcing you to go to these events. They are not the right source of emotional support for you. What kind of emotional support do you need in any case? Approval... for what?

I want to talk about them paying for the apartment. Can you pay for it yourself so you can be free from them?

I'll give you my own example. They would ask me to call relative X and Y and say hello. I confronted them and said its my own life, dont tell me who to call. They have now learned that I do my own thing. But apartment money is the problem in your case so... you have to do things differently.

You can also PM me if you like, if there's something you dont want to share publicly. You'll have to wait for the time you are on your own and do what you want. For now if you want them to pay the apartment money, well, maybe they wont do that anymore. If they can, good. If they wont, you know you have to find a solution. So will they pay for it?

When you are done with your education and have a job I think you will make good money. So just wait it out, tolerate their BS and go to the conventions and browse reddit while you're there. There's no other way unless you can be on your own, and you'll have to find a cheaper place in that situation.

But there is no need for you to be emotionally dependent on your parents when you are a young guy above his 20's. I'm guessing that what the situation is.

You can do a CTRL+F and find some my posts in this thread where I describe my own experiences. I had 5 years in January and so far, so good.

I primarily used AA but it is just one of the tools that I use, along with seeing a psychiatrist, a year of non-AA group-therapy, and insight gained by studying Zen Buddhism. I believe that 12-step programs can be effective in helping people recover from their additions. For a different slant you can check out The Zen of Recovery by Mel Ash which I found to be most helpful in my own recovery. Good luck!

Earlier this year I had a breakup with my ex who had several mental health problems including BPD. She began another relationship after a month or two and we kept in touch and were even "friends" for about 6 months afterwards. When I learned she had described him as the first person who ever really cared about her, I said screw it and we've been out of touch for a few months now. I think you can understand the disappointment and pain for me that in the end I never was able to make her feel loved or truly cared about.

I've struggled a lot with that. I don't know whether to believe it or whether it's just crazy. We were together 5+ years and she never felt cared about? Sometimes I have all these doubts about what kind of a person I must be that my partner felt that way. When she started seeing this new fellow she told me I never cared about her needs whereas with him it was easy. I felt so angry because the whole damn relationship was my taking care of her needs and her yelling at me if I screwed up or wasn't completely neutral or cheerful about it. She told me I wasn't even half of a considerate person. And like I said, I still for 6 months after the breakup was trying to prove her wrong, even as she was making me feel this bad about myself and I was doing terrible in terms of my own mental well being.

As much as I've struggled with it, I'm actually grateful I heard that thing about the new guy caring for her in ways I never did. It snapped me out of the "fog" and made me realize that she has no idea what a healthy relationship is or what adults caring about each other actually means. She wanted a parent-child relationship. I remember realizing at some point while we were together that it felt like I was living with a teenage daughter who hated me. At the time I didn't know why or what to do about it, but I remember feeling that way. Her and this other fellow broke up after 3 months, I assume because she had the same kinds of expectations.

I read a book called Codependent No More which explained a lot about how I felt as I tried to fulfill that role over the years and the damage I'd done to my own needs and sense of self by inevitably placing her's first. I cannot recommend this book enough. Other concepts that I learned about and recognized deeply:

FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)

[JADE](
http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain) (Justify Argue Defend Explain)

Karpman Drama Triangle


If she contacts you and you find yourself compelled to respond, examine your feelings closely and be mindful of why exactly you want to respond. Be on the lookout especially for feelings of obligation or guilt, or feeling sorry for her. Those aren't the basis for an adult relationship. Don't react. You have a right to trust your own perception of things and validate your own feelings. Take your time with everything and make your own life easy. You took on responsibilities in this relationship that weren't yours and were impossible to fulfill. Now enjoy the lightness of being yourself.

Sorry if that is presumptuous. In my reading on BPD it seemed these were common experiences of their partners. I hope some of it is useful and you can get on with your life and heal soon.