Reddit mentions: The best conflict management books

It took a few days, but I'm back.

Thanks for the detail. The style of the wording tells me a lot about where you are, so no apologies needed.

Earlier, even without this information, I sensed a fundamental goodness in your heartfelt desire for something better. With this note, you've given expression to that in the things that you want:

• the dignity of being a breadwinner,
  
• the self-respect of having a space of your own, and
  
• the joy of love.
  
  So, here are my thoughts. But first, a little background …
  
  At 24, like you, I found that some people seemed to have the capacity, confidence, and social skills to find meaningful work, to build a life, and to attract love, but I didn’t find that in myself. Even when an opportunity seemed to be going well for a while, a simple misreading of the reality of a situation (or a person’s words or gestures) could instantly sabotage me, depriving me of a fighting chance (it seemed) to get any traction at all on life.
  
  After some time, I began to sense that my "eternal optimism" was a bit misguided, that “maybe I’ll get it right next time” was more like the thinking of a gambler resolved to recoup his losses on the next throw of the dice, rather than part of an informed, systematic process for learning and consistently getting better and better at life.
  
  It took me decades to realize that everyone struggles, that I was lost in a distorted reality, seeing only the deepening chasm between what seemed like most peoples' "on track” lives and my own negative vision of myself. It was as if I could only see their “highlights” and my own “bloopers” but regarded both as equivalent realities.
  
  I finally discovered that “their” best was usually the result of good role models and good early training, and that such life skills could also be learned (by me!) later in life. In fact, those who figure it out later, rather than just acting on well-trained instincts, very quickly rise to meet a bar that had looked unattainable, and to move forward beyond with the advantage of understanding.
  
  I am writing this note to you, at this moment, because I happened to see your posting on r/all. It occurred to me that I could help another young man, like my past self, to zoom past the two lost decades it took me to get it right. I’m aware of how long this comment is becoming, but I would urge you to hang in there and not to scan. You’re half-way through!
  
  To get “there”, to a “life fully realized”, I would advise you to do three things, preceded by a “step 0" that will remove obstacles to doing those things:
  
  Step 0: Remove whatever obstacles to success that you can.
  See a physician for a checkup, just to make sure there’s no underlying physical causes of this mental slump. Mention that your life situation has caused you to slip into depression, that you have a plan for moving forward with your life, but it will require the motivation and the will of a healthy mind, and that you need a referral to a counselor to get you past the depression and stay on track, and that you’d also like some medication for depression while you traverse this process.
  
  (The medication that will work for you will be different than for others, and counselors vary in competence and and temperament. Just work through it, don’t judge yourself or the process, don't stay with what doesn't work, and don't give up. It probably won't be that hard. It will work. And most people feel that, once the depressed mind is on medication, it is the “real” them. If you can’t afford a counselor, the medication will help you get through to a better place where you can.)
  
  Step 0.5: Be discreet.
  Other than your physician and therapist, don’t tell anyone about such plans. That probably sounds strange, but I have discovered — and have also read that it is one of the great secrets of really accomplished and fulfilled men and women — that sharing with others your plans to make life-transforming changes has two downsides:
  (a) The input of others can be, at worst, a discouragement; and at best, a distraction from the laser-focus you’ll need to make it happen, and
  (b) sharing something that will impress others gives you a small moment of satisfaction that cools the burning passion that your goal-setting self will need in order to succeed. To keep the fire burning, keep it to yourself.
  
  The upshot of all this is that a little medical/ psychological help will get you past the things you can’t control and bring you into the realm of things you can choose to do to become very accomplished in all of those things that are important to you …
  
  Step 1: Get centered.
  Your regrets (of the past) and your worries (about the future) are experienced physically as tension and mentally as a brain unable to function with facility in a world where it doesn’t feel safe and fears what could happen if it lets down its guard.
  
  Meanwhile, your body is here in the present, where your mind functions best. To bring mind and body together all in the same place (the definition of “centering”) as the single powerful machine they are meant to be, try the one-minute centering exercise. This is a script that you can record and then play back while you do a one-minute meditation exercise with your eyes closed.
  
  You can do this exercise daily, if you wish. It will teach you new habits of responding to negative thoughts by moving to center. You’ll become much more comfortable in your own skin.
  
  Longer-term, it would be a great idea to make staying “centered” a bigger part of your life. Yoga or one of the martial arts are perfect for this. (I’m partial to Aikido.)
  
  Step 2: Turn outside of yourself.
  Human beings are wired to experience joy when serving others and to wither when they focus only on themselves. Consider scheduling a spot on a Saturday service project, like building something for Habitat for Humanity.
  
  It doesn't matter what the organization or project is; as long as you are focused outside of yourself on serving others, you cannot but experience the joy of that human connection.
  
  Make it a regular practice to join up with such special projects. And let it grown on you so that it becomes your habit to serve others under all conditions. The joy that you experience will come from focusing outside of yourself.
  
  It will also create in you a center of attraction such that others will want to be around you. This will happen once you develop habits of centering and of turning outward.
  
  Step 3: Learn the learnable social skills.
  You can learn specific skills that will improve your interactions with others and prevent you from making social blunders that undermine relationships. You can learn these from a book.
  
  You’ll experience the transformation you want in your relationships if you can
  (a) be patient enough to read a short chapter each week and then practice the skill during the week that follows, and
  (b) be persistent enough to read a new chapter (and to acquire a new skill) each week.
  
  (This may not seem possible right now. So wait to get the book until you’ve seen the doctor and gotten some medical help to get past the depression. From that new vantage, you’ll be able to summon up the motivation and patience and persistence you’ll need.)
  
  The book you want to start with (don’t let the cheesy title bother you, it’s gold inside): How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
  
  A second book teachers about relationships: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.
  
  So there you have it. If you have questions or encounter complications along the way, feel free to PM me.
  
  It's a lot to take in all at once, but really not that much considering it will will provide you with a path to the life situation you want and will give you access to the life choices you want.
  
  Here’s wishing a noble man the best …
  

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

OMG thank you so much! I come from a family of six brothers, had my two sons, and helped raise my husband's two boys, who are ten years younger than my kids--from the time they were 4 and 7. I love boys. Totally love them.

First of all--bless your heart! That two-year age difference is brutal in the beginning, but it gets easier.

Secondly, since I never had daughters, I don't know how to compare raising boys with girls. And I'm feeling a little bit like this SNL skit with Emma Thompson, because we mothers of adults have a pretty selective memory.

But since you were sweet enough to ask, here are my five best pieces of advice, in no particular order:

1. Trust your gut and be kind to yourself. Your instincts are your best guide. Even so, you'll make a ton of mistakes. It's okay. Apologize if you have to, and then just forgive yourself. There's no one right way to do this, every kid is different, and we're all learning as we go.
   
2. Validate your kids, and let them figure out their solutions whenever you can. It's very liberating. So when they say, "I HATE my teacher!" instead of saying, "No you don't" or telling them what they should do to fix the problem, say "Wow. You sound really upset," and then stop. It's amazing what they'll tell you when you stop talking. If you ask questions and repeat back what you hear them say, they'll learn how to figure things out by themselves, which is the goal, right? Check out "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk." That book saved my life.
   
3. Have fun whenever you can. Tell jokes, play games, play pranks, even. Have adventures. The best thing about kids is that they give you permission to be goofy. My favorite memories with my kids are these things.
   
4. Be the home their friends can come to, where they're always welcome. You will never regret setting another plate, driving to pick up a buddy who doesn't have a ride, or saying "yes" to another overnight, at least not in the long run.
   
5. Tell your boys often that you love them, and tell them why. Tell them that their artwork makes you feel happy, that you loved seeing them be so gentle with the neighbor's cat, that you love knowing you can trust them to do the right thing, that you know it's hard to be a little brother, or a big brother, and you appreciate them.
   
   But most of all, be kind to yourself.

Thanks for the page, u/Toodark2Read.

Hey, u/garbageposts. I am going to pour out some words and thoughts on you here. Sorry they're not more synthesized.

.

Number one. Have you gone to Al Anon? Go to six meetings. If at all possible (and most places at least in the US it is quite possible), go to a few different meetings. I'm not into everything they're into at Al Anon, I have some philosophical disagreements, and you can sit there and feel like WTF am I doing, but something happens when you make going there a habit. You get some perspective. You get some encouragement. You can steady yourself and you can do some of that cycle of grieving with some support. If you go to six meetings, and try out three to six different groups in this process and you hate it and you get nothing from it, feel free to take this tool out of your toolbox. For me it took five different groups before I found one that was positive and genuine enough for me to feel catharsis.

.

Second up, therapy. The first time I left my husband, he suddenly found it with in him to agree to counseling, after a year of me pleading. And it was somewhat helpful. Our therapist asked that my husband go 30 days without drinking so that he could get a feel for his mental state without the brain chemistry fuckedness of steady alcohol consumption. My husband couldn't or wouldn't do that. Along the way we made a little progress, moments of vulnerability and clarity. We both behaved better with a third party present. In the end though, I found myself sitting on the couch alone, calling him every five minutes and looking out into the parking lot, only to realize that he'd gone to the bar and shut off his phone, intentionally skipping our appointment. And I cried. And I had a solo session that day. There's a hundred little moments where we were over, and I let them pile up on top of me before finally accepting it and leaving. This was one of those moments.

.

Next, a few words on the terminology you hate. My husband is a very high functioning alcoholic. He doesn't miss work, he earns six figures. He's gotten fat on beer, but doesn't have major health problems. He drinks and drives very frequently, but has never gotten caught. The term high functioning alcoholic provides something very important as the understanding of alcoholism has shifted over the years. In our not too distant past, and still in the presumptions and unconscious of so many people today, if a person wasn't missing work, they weren't an alcoholic. If you didn't puke on yourself and pass out in the gutter, you were fiiiiiiiiiine. Now we know that you can go days or weeks without a drink and still be an alcoholic. You can only drink weekends, you can only drink beer, you can be successful, professionally, academically, personally, whatever and be an alcoholic. But living with a high functioning drunk makes that term scathing, I know. Blood-boilingly frustrating. But the terminology is serving a purpose as the understanding of alcoholism evolves, regardless of how maddening it is. Keep in mind, functional alcoholic isn't a nice word.

.

Regarding brain chemistry and the hard truth. Alcohol fucks brain chemistry so hard. And addiction fucks brain chemistry so hard. Yeah, both can kill libido. There is nothing you can do about addiction or alcoholism or brain chemistry. You can mitigate, you can create boundaries to protect yourself a little better, you can try and change your focus so as to create a little more happiness, but you cannot fix this or change him. Not even a little bit. And it has nothing to do with love. I remember writhing and crying, wondering if he loves me so much, why can't he chose me? It's a false dichotomy. Addiction doesn't care what or who or why you love, it doesn't care about the promises you've made. Maybe you know this. It's something I had to relearn and reaccept a thousand times. It sliced me open every time. I think it's important for me to say. If you want a little uplifting or a resource to leave around for your partner, here is a great webcomic telling the story of a fascinating study of addiction. (From here you can go down the rabbit hole of learning about the Sinclair Method, which is a whole other can of worms about which I could talk for ages.)

.

Next up, codependency is something that you should read up on. I don't really have any go-to sources. I'm a research maven, if that hasn't become abundantly clear, lol. Intellectual understanding helps me process emotionally. But codependency can happen to anybody, and when addiction gets added to the mix, it is nigh impossible to avoid falling into codependent pitfalls.

.

Truth be told, I spent a couple years learning to understand and trying to cope with my husband's alcoholism. I left him about a year ago and I know he's started getting help. Started trying to address his issues. He's looking for help. The AA crowd would say that he had to lose me to hit his rock bottom. I don't agree with that. I would say that I was propping him up the best I could in a very codependent fashion, and instead of falling apart when his support walked away, he put his feet a little bit on the ground. Seemingly as if he could have done it on his own all along. I do resent that. But on the other hand, I'm glad he didn't pull it together with me. Because I realized that he's mean and closed and cruel of spirit. And he probably doesn't have his shit together really! Because I've been on the inside. I know how it can look fine from where I'm standing, it can look functional, even highly functioning, when it is a shit show on wheels in the home and in his heart.

.

This one gets it's own bullet point. I think you need to read this book. It's not a book that says GTFO, it's a book that helps people think about and see their relationship. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." Read this. Read this twice. I had to read it twice. I had to do a lot of things twice. This is not easy shit, my dear. But this book isn't about addicts or people who aren't getting laid, this is a book for people who are having a hard time figuring out if their relationship is working, or is right, or is making them happy, all in all. If you do nothing else, read this book.

.

To conclude, I know this has been bossy and multidirectional and incredibly long winded, but I could go on for much longer. I think I'm giving you a helpful starting point though. Go to Al Anon. Learn a bit about addiction. Learn a bit about codependency. Read that book I linked. It's probably at your library. Come back after you've done those things. Tell me how you feel then. Feel free to PM me along the way. I know that your relationship isn't my relationship, and that you guys might work it out and be happy and I would be so glad for you. I am not telling you to leave. But use some of these resources. Get some perspective. And I'm here for you.

First, it's amazing you stepped up to rescue R.

I think most of the things you've mentioned are going to need time and patience more than anything else (and therapy, which I hope you have covered). It took years of hurt to get him to this place and it will take years of love and effort to get him back out. So don't rush things.

>[Food anxiety / high calorie diet / asking for snacks]

I don't have a lot of experience here (paging u/groundhogcakeday because IIRC one of her sons had needed a high-calorie diet) but I would suggest making sure the snacks are visibly available 24/7, and always stocked in quantity. He might be less hesitant to grab a snack when it's plain and clear there are a lot available.

I wouldn't pressure him about eating at all - I mean, discuss it with his doctor first, but my guess is it won't kill him to take a few months to get comfortable with his new situation. Having a long-term healthy relationship with food would seem more important than cramming calories into him. Sometimes doctors are very focused on their specific task and forget to look at the larger picture, so make sure they're aware of his food-related anxiety.

A lot of kids enjoy eating more when they're part of the whole process (selecting meals, shopping, and cooking). That might work for you, or it might be another thing R will feel anxiety/pressure over.

> Should I look into private schools?

This is so specific to your local schools... A public school might be great or it might be terrible, and ditto with a private one. You'll need to investigate your options personally to find out what kind of accommodations they're willing and able to make. With a public school, you can get an IEP and by law they are required to follow it - but of course, you still want to find somewhere that will do that right the first time.

He might do well to start a grade below where he should be (as he's both educationally behind and physically small), especially if that means he'll have an opportunity to get up to speed in an elementary school rather than a middle school (I don't know where the grade cutoff is in your area).

>he seems to have a small bit of separation anxiety. Is this normal?

Absolutely. He just lost his entire family. Perhaps you could start with a program in which you could also volunteer/participate? Once he's comfortable with his situation you can dial back the participation if necessary. (I'm a big fan of Lego Robotics and - at least around here - they're always happy to have more adult volunteers, too.)

>Punishment ... I only think he would misbehave if he was feeling really emotional

I'm not a fan of the P word, myself. There are better ways to correct behavior. Even those who study behaviorism (upon which reward/punishment-style discipline is based) will tell you the research shows the positive reinforcement end of the spectrum is a lot more healthy and effective. But I prefer to take a step further back and try to correct behavior by solving the problems that cause it to occur - that is problem-solving based discipline. This is doable with any kid, but it's especially been shown to be effective in children who have issues handling more traditional reward/punishment methods.

R has already been hurt enough. If he's having a problem, making him miserable in an effort to coerce him into solving it on his own (ie. punishment) is not the way to go. I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child - the discipline model it describes is non-punitive and based on listening, understanding, and problem-solving. It is also empirically proven effective for kids with difficulties and disorders. Don't worry, the title is a bit of a misnomer; the process is good for any kid, explosive, implosive, or regular-plosive.

>Related to that, I praise R a lot because he never got it when he was younger, but it's very hard for him to take a compliment and he still seems to think of himself as a bad kid.

Be careful with praise. Praise is judgment (positive judgement, but judgement nonetheless). R's current view of himself is based on someone else's (very negative) judgements; hanging his self-esteem on someone else's opinions instead isn't a great long-term solution even if he wasn't uncomfortable with it. You need to help him see himself in a positive light.

To that end, I suggest you look at the difference between praise and encouragement (another summary here. It's a subtle distinction, but IMO an important one.

That's about all I feel qualified answering. Best of luck!

Hi OP. My husband and I have been in a similar situation as you and your wife, so I'll give you my two cents on what I think you should do:

This friendship has the potential to turn into an affair, if it hasn't already, so you'll need to take the lead on being in "affair-avoidance mode" for your marriage because your wife may not be able to think clearly if she has romantic feelings for this man. While it is entirely possible for your wife to have a close platonic friendship with a man where there is a shared mutual attraction (I've done this), it is also very easy for that close platonic friendship with a man where there is a shared mutual attraction to turn into an emotional/physical affair (I've done this, too). You and your wife need to be on the lookout for making sure these types of friendships don't turn into an affair, and that all starts with you two having a conversation. I think you should tell your wife you don't like the content of some of their texts and you are increasingly uncomfortable with the flirting and potential level of intimacy she has with her friend. Say you are concerned that she'll be tempted to have an affair (emotional or physical, or both) with this guy because some boundaries have already been crossed, and you want to talk about how to avoid that happening, if it hasn't already.

Have an open and honest discussion with her about what boundaries you expect to have in your marriage when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex, and speak specifically about her friendship with this guy and your expectations. Ask her if she is having an emotional or sexual affair with him and see what she says. To facilitate that discussion, you and your wife should read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, as Shirley talks specifically about how affairs arise out of platonic friendships. Read it together and talk about each chapter as you progress through the book. Additionally, you both should watch the TEDtalk "Rethinking Infidelity" by Esther Perel to learn more about how affairs happen and their three components (a secretive relationship, an emotional connection, and a sexual attraction). It is a quick video that really resonated with me when I was in your wife's shoes. Watch it together to gauge her reaction. It brought me to tears because I could see the reasons for my infidelity in her examples, and it gave me the words to describe what I was getting out of my relationship with the other man, when I had been unable to articulate it prior. The video is a must-see! Watch it today!

These conversations are not going to be easy. Talk 100% honestly about the state of your marriage, the level of engagement you both have in your marriage, your sex life, your attraction to each other, whether you're feeling emotionally and sexually fulfilled in your marriage, if you're happy in marriage and in life, what areas of your relationship or life you're unfulfilled in.....anything and everything you can think of to talk about to figure out if your wife is happy with the current state of your life together, and if there are areas that need work to make you both feel more fulfilled. Talk about how you'll both deal with attractions to other people. Talk about what you'll do if either of you get a crush on someone else. Talk about what you'll do if you're feeling tempted to cheat. Ask her what it is about her friend that she likes, how he makes her feel, what he does for her.....figure out what needs she's getting met from her relationship with him and if those needs are more appropriately met via you (like sexual needs or feeling desired....remembering that no one person can fill 100% of someone else's needs, but some needs must be met within the marriage if you're being monogamous). If you're feeling unsure about broaching all the topics I've mentioned above, recognize that you can either do it now pre-emptively (assuming the affair hasn't started) or do it later in a therapist's office in the midst of a full-blown affair.....either way, you need to have those discussions and get it all out on the table.

Hopefully, she's able to have these discussions with you in an open and honest manner because she doesn't have romantic feelings for her friend, but also be prepared that if she has feelings for him, she'll potentially deny ("no, we're just friends, it's totally platonic"), gaslight you ("you're crazy to think I'd ever have an affair") or outright lie to your face. If she's not emotionally invested romantically in her friend, these conversations should be easier for her. If she's romantically attracted to him, her reaction could be very emotional. She may be in denial and lying to herself about the extent of her feelings for him and burying her head in the sand about what that means for her marriage to you.

Keep in mind that if she is having an affair, her friend is not the problem. The problem is within your wife, and the friend is only a symptom of the problem. If she has crossed the line with him more than what you've seen in their texts, your wife needs to understand that she is putting your marriage and her friendship with him at risk.....but it can be hard to see that from her end because she's in the fog of the affair. When you're having an affair, you can get blinded to the reality of the situation and not clearly be able to see the outcome and consequences of your choices, you could be in denial, and you can also not care about the consequences because you're so wrapped up in the high of the affair. She's potentially not going to be a right mental state.

Watch the video, read the book, and talk to your wife. Depending on how she responds, either closely monitor the situation for the near future or schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor ASAP....or both! It never hurts to check in with a counselor and there is no shame in asking for help.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. It would be great if you could also post an update. I'll be wondering how you're doing, as I'm sure others will as well. I know from personal experience that a marriage can come out stronger after an affair, but you both have to be willing to work at it 110%. Best of luck to you both. :-)

No, thank you for sharing, this is great information to know!

Honestly, it sounds like your husband could be having a bit of a mid-life crisis. I'd imagine he had ambitions for his faith, life, family, career, etc. and as the years have gone by he's been frustrated and growing in bitterness that it hasn't worked out as planned. It sounds like you've been open to changing anything you need to change to be a good wife to him and he's largely been unperceptive - which tells me you're probably not the main problem but rather something like career or something else is the primary source.

This said, I've got a few more ideas here. I think it's possible to reconnect with him as his friend. For example, is there anything you did during dating days that you could do once again to try and make him smile? Maybe a sentimental memory you share that you could spend a little time on getting him something from that memory to remind him of the times you've spent together?

Also, even if he won't go to counselling, you could buy or check out books and stuff like that to work on marriage. It's not a Christian book, but it remains one of the best marriage books I've ever read - Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book is awesome and it's the reason I suggest reconnecting with him as friend in some way. Basically the book studies around 700 marriages over 16 years and tries to find what predicts success in marriage. The author (a professor of psychology at the University of Washington) summarizes his findings in the book and gives practical guidance with fun steps and exercises you can do together as a couple. His key finding that has stuck with me is that virtually every marriage that has a great friendship at the core lasts and rarely experiences divorce. And the encouraging thing is that we can all learn to be great friends. I've posted a summary of the book here if you'd like to see the general outline of it.

Also, another idea would be to make it a point of intentionally trying to initiate sex with him 2 or 3 times per week. It's kind of sad, but we men can be mean and nasty if we haven't had sex or felt sexually pursued in a while. I don't know how y'all are doing in that department, but that is definitely a strategy of softening his heart.

All this said - your husband is mistreating you and I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. As I'm reading this, I feel that you're not the primary source of his bitterness and I feel that a little intentional and persistent love and friendship would help him "wake up" to the wonderful wife he has.

Praying for you and happy to bounce more ideas your way!

I cannot recommend marriage counseling enough. Both my husband and I emotionally cheated. He told his ex that he loved her, vented to her when we had fights, and went to her house to talk. I started talking to my kind-of ex (never had a real relationship but we definitely had feelings... he was going through a divorce and decided to give his marriage one last try, and then I got back together with my boyfriend and then we got married) out of spite and we went back to being friends that used to talk and laugh all day long over chat. We never talked about feelings for each other or did anything physical, but I definitely had the emotional connection with him that was missing with my husband.

The worst part was this happened after we started marriage counseling. I already felt like he was too chatty and friendly with his ex when marriage counseling started. It was week after week of rough sessions. We had a lot of baggage to get through. And there were times when we would leave and I would question if we would ever be okay again.

But here we are over a year later, coming up on a year and a half, of when I cut off all communication with him. The thing with my kind-of ex was, we had this chemistry and we talked and laughed constantly, and it had been a long time since it felt like my husband enjoyed my company like that. That sucks. So focus on trying to re-establish that connection. You married your husband because he is the love of your life. He is the one you should want to talk to all day. He's the one you should want to make laugh. He's the ONLY person you should miss if you were apart for days or weeks at a time. If you find yourself missing another man like that, you two are too close and it needs to end. That was my wake-up call... realizing I would miss talking to him every day. And realizing I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to my husband. Because I would share things like memes or stuff on Reddit/Imgur with my husband and he wouldn't laugh or respond much to it and seemed bored with me a lot, but this other guy would laugh and let it spark a 20 minute conversation. My husband didn't want to engage in those conversations with me. And there were plenty of things I was the same with... just not interested in creating a conversation out of a topic.

Now we're to the point that even though I'm not a gamer and I have never played Metroid, I can watch my husband speedrun the game and ask him questions about it, or listen to him explain strategies, or sit by him and watch someone else stream the game, and I enjoy the conversations and I enjoy that he wants to share it with me. While it may not be an interest of mine, I recognize that it's something that helps him decompress after a rough day at work and it's a challenge he enjoys, and that's enough for me to try and engage in those conversations.

Our marriage counselor used a lot of methods by John Gottman. Gottman has done some really cool research on marriages and I love reading content from them. There was an article on the marriage retreats they do... and this paraphrasing will probably be awful but I'll try my best. So these couples would come to a marriage retreat. Let's say you have one healthy couple and one struggling couple. The husband might point to a pretty bird in a tree or something, and in the healthy couple, the wife would engage and look for the bird, acknowledge it, and discuss it. In the unhealthy couple, the wife wouldn't look up and would just act bored with him and dismiss his interest. THAT was a huge area we were struggling in, and THAT is why I think we both emotionally cheated. Things have been much better since we actively try to engage in each other's interests more.

I highly recommend Gottman's stuff.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_ShEKzbPDTBDZD

Also check out The Gottman Institute. I think they have a Facebook page with that name.

NTA. I'm probably about six hours late to this game, but I desperately want to present an alternative response to the highly-rated "he's the worst and most selfish person ever and it's simply because he doesn't care enough" responses. To be honest, as disrespectful as being insanely late can be, chalking it up to someone you don't know being selfish and uncaring doesn't do anything to help, as good as that sense of righteousness can feel and as bad as being on the other end of that can be.

First off, he's lucky that he has a partner who sounds as understanding and willing to help as you are. Major credit there. I hope that you've been able to talk as a couple about why you felt you had to lie about the start time and that you care about him and want to help him with this.

^((Caveat here: not saying your boyfriend has ADHD, but time management is a very common skill folks with ADHD struggle with, and so I feel it's highly relevant all the same.))

In the ADHD world, we talk about executive function and incentive structures a lot––a common struggle has to do with how well does your brain naturally forms frameworks around your daily practices. Not having an accurate sense of time/chronic lateness is a huge indicator of larger struggles with these issues, particularly response inhibition. This is especially true about large, abstract projects with an unclear immediate reward. Compare:

"I am going to brunch and have to get ready before that." A great example of what a lack of framework can engender: there aren't clear tasks, nor a clear timeframe.

"I want to shower (15min), shave (10min) get dressed (10min) before leaving at 12:45pm. Because of this, I need to get out of bed at 12:10pm at the latest to make it out the door on time." Much more specific and incremental. Helping him break down his tasks and gently reminding him externally of what time it is could be a productive outlet as a partner. My boyfriend often needs to gently take YouTube out of my hands at 11pm in bed, and I appreciate the external structure there.

Before folks start saying how you're his girlfriend and not his mother, people simply find certain things more difficult than others. With the right support and external structures, you can help him develop new coping mechanisms so he can better help himself in the future. If you're interested in some further reading, I highly recommend Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?, which does a great job of presenting things like time management as a couple in a really productive and clear way, regardless of ADHD diagnosis. That said, shame is a helluva drug, and it goes hand-in-hand with pride––he may not be in a place to admit the issue or accept your help. His initial response sounds stressful for you and needing to reassure him that he can know all your passwords wouldn't be necessary. What certainly won't help here is more shame. I just hope for his sake and yours that he's ready to hear you and put in the hard work. Good luck!

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

Ok here you go. Boy am I slow!

Some advice I would offer is that of course, we can't choose our family but we can choose our friends. I think one thing you can do is really try to control your own environment when you are away from your family. Like your own bubble of peace. Literally you can imagine, this is my bubble around me, and their bubble is there around them and the two don't mix. You can imagine someone who makes you really irritated in a bubble and the bubble starts moving away, little by little further and further way, tiny tiny on the horizon and then gone... You are allowed to have your own private air and sunshine.

I'm assuming you have an apartment and live by yourself. But if you live with family and have your own room the same applies. When you're by yourself remind yourself that they are not here now. Nobody's bothering you. So don't waste time and energy focused on how they have wronged you. Take some time and forgive them. And reassure yourself that you can be calm and live your own life.

It sounds like just bringing down your overall level of tension would help. Sometimes we forget how to relax because we’ve been so stressed out for a long time! Sitting in a chair you can do something called Progressive Muscle Relaxation. Try this every day for a week or two for five to ten minutes and notice at the end if you feel more relaxed afterward.

There are books that can help you deal with anger issues like When Anger Hurts. Skip the first few chapters and just go straight to Chapter 8: 24 Hour Anger Management. And Thriving with Social Anxiety is great for the inability to open up. Plus it gives a really good rundown of different therapeutic approaches to anxiety.

> I can only confront people in my dreams

The anxiety book book will help with this and with being embarrassed. Your dentist could give you a mouth guard so you don’t damage your teeth. The guards are a little expensive but it will help.

Work on being assertive in a positive way. There are many books on it but I recommend Difficult Conversations because it helps show how to tone down conversations and focus on negotiating and maintaining relationships, especially when they get heated.

And always remember “What other people think of me is none of my business.” Don’t waste any time worrying about being embarrassed. If you do something silly in public, laugh with them. Some people will think you’re psycho before you even speak. Others might get wind of your concerns and offer help. We can really never know how people are going to respond to us, so it’s best ignoring those that are negative and embrace the positive ones.

You can also keep a journal of what is happening. It’s a good idea to really try to watch your thoughts, feelings and emotions when something starts happening. Even try to see where in your body you feel anger when it comes up. It can seem like “the anger came out of nowhere”. But there are usually precursors, subtle, but they build up. Anger is called a secondary emotion because something else usually sets it off. What are your triggers?

This kind of worksheet can help you find your triggers and work on them. Just cross out ptsd and write anger or anxiety and make it yours. These kind of sheets are very similar for different emotions. You can use it to pinpoint what fires you up and practice ways to respond better next time.

But seeing a therapist is what I would advise. You can help yourself a lot with books. But it’s faster if you have someone trained to help people. They are there to help you figure out what the real issues are and give you techniques to address them in the shortest time possible. (And it's up to you whether you ever take meds, you don't have to if you don't want to.)

But again, back to your personal environment. Do things that help you foster peace. Do creative things that are calming. Walk in nature. Visit museums and galleries. Whatever you like. Any kind of exercise three or four times a week for half an hour is great too.

This is a lot of stuff but I hope some of it can help you feel better soon. Hang in there!

[edits: spelling and elaborations]

It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.

It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415

I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/

First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.

Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X

Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.

Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf

Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf

It really depends on when you dday was. Early in affair recovery the betrayed is really on an emotional rollercoaster and their brains are in emotional whiplash.

As for your identity. I would ask you to look at it like how Alcoholics in recovery see themselves. They are still alcoholics, they still call themselves that, but they are working on becoming better. The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I am a wayward. I can't erase the past of what I have done. At the same time It will still color things in my relationship because it is something that will never be forgotten.

I would suggest that you take a look at How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This gives a solid list of attitudes and actions that show your husband that you are working on making the relationship safe and secure.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

here are her 15 points:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

Even if your marriage ends, many of these points can be relevant in future relationships because they help the future relationship feel safe and secure.

The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This book is a deep dive into how affairs start, and how they progress and how to heal from them. It talks about building strong interpersonal boundaries in outside relationships. It helped me recognize others who have terrible boundaries and gave me the tools on how to interact with them.

An example of this was a year after dday I was able to find a new job and started working there. The office manager was a nice girl but she had really bad interpersonal boundaries. She would text me about problems in her relationship, and talk to me about her boyfriend. I learned that I couldn't save her or counsel her. I learned phrases that would would be empathetic with her while at the same time, not playing in the realm of bad boundaries.

Example:

My boyfriend did this, and this, and this, and it's hard because I have so much to do.

My answer: I am so sorry you are going through this. Have. you considered talking to a professional counselor about your relationship issues? It might be helpful.

This allows me to respond, but then tells her that I am not going to try to solve her problem or remove the boundaries that I have around me.

In the past, I tried to fix people. I would emote with them. I would engage in what Dr. Glass calls "Positive Mirroring" where I would parrot back to her what they were saying to me.

Grieving is hard, and it is NOT linear. You will go back and forth through the stages of it. Supporting your husband is working with him, being a safe partner, even if the marriage is going to end. It will show him that you aren't trying to force reconciliation by changing, but changing for yourself.

Finally I would suggest finding a good IC who can help you deal with the grief, but also at the same time can work with you on strengthening your boundaries so that you are able to better deal with outside relationships so that you are able to interact without hooking into an emotional level with the other person. At the same time, I would ask that you work on what I term the "Deep Whys" which are the things inside ourselves that we were trying to fill with the outside relationships. For me they go back to my past and my family of origin. While my FOO helped make me what I am today, I had to accept that they didn't make have affairs. I am responsible for the choices I made which lead to them and for that I take all the blame for my affairs.

Hang in there.

These kinds of issues require a tremendous amount of patience. You have to keep in mind that often times, this behavior is not really intentional. Boys and girls with behavioral issues don't *WANT* to be difficult. It's just very difficult for them to regulate emotions. I myself was diagnosed with ADHD (ODD wasn't a diagnosis back then, but I'm sure it would have applied, too) as a youth, so I know firsthand. Emotional responses just override logical responses.

We have a scout in our troop who has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. He will often behave in a very similar manner to the scout you've described. I've learned through observation that it usually happens when he's had a lot of interpersonal contact. Dealing with people exhausts him, and when he gets exhausted, his ODD will come out and shine. We have learned that he does particularly well if we can earmark some of the solo tasks his way. He's particularly fastidious with washing dishes, for example, and that task doesn't require him to socialize very much.

When the outbursts happen, take a tack like saying "Hey man, why don't you take a break in your tent and gather yourself. We can get the cooking gear set up right now, and you can help with the dishes after dinner." Sometimes just a bit of self-time will allow them to reset enough to carry on, but you've also left the expectation that they will be doing some of the work.

Oh, another thing to do is go go over well ahead of time, what your expectations are for the campout. "Ok, we'll be arriving at the campsite at 6PM. Everybody will need to set their tents up. If you didn't bring a tent, you're still expected to help your tent mate set up their tent. Mark, Dave, Tom, does everyone understand? Great. Then we'll be setting up for dinner. We expect everyone to help set up, and break back down afterwards. Mark, Dave, Tom, do you understand? Great." Do the same each day, for those guys.

It can seem silly to do that, when you're thinking "Gee, everyone knows all that stuff...", but what you're really doing is providing advance notice of your expectations. And letting the boys know what the structure of the outing is. So there are no surprises. ADHD kids know things need to be done, but without structure they often flounder and then telling them what needs to be done Right Now(tm) makes them feel put upon. Giving them the plan in advance provides a structure they can work within. Lack of structure is a rarely verbalized, but often felt, challenge for the ADD/ADHD crowd.

All that said...

You need to talk to your scoutmaster, and your committee chair, and make sure the adults are aware of the issues. One issue is the boy's behavior itself. Another issue is the potential that these issues are real medical issues that need to be properly dealt with. Yet another issue is the impact to patrol and troop morale can happen when a kid won't help with the work that needs to be done.

Because of two-deep leadership needs, we have mandated that for activities like Summer Camp, the kids with these or similar issues are required to have a parent/guardian attend. We simply can't afford to leave two adults back in a campsite when it's time to head off to meals or activities, and we won't deny the other boys the opportunity to participate.Your troop committee may need to explore similar requirements.

In terms of resources:

• Talk to the Scout's parents. They will undoubtedly be familiar with this Scout's behavior, and they may be able to offer suggestions on what works and doesn't work for him. Stress that you want his scouting experience to be as successful and beneficial as possible, but it needs to work for the other boys, too.
  
• Check with your Council and/or District to see if they have a committee dedicated to working with Special Needs scouts - if they don't, suggest that they establish one.
  
• BSA's website has a section on working with scouts who have special needs: https://www.scouting.org/programs/boy-scouts/the-building-blocks-of-scouting/disabilities/
  
• You can email the BSA committee on special needs Scouting at disabilities.awareness@scouting.org
  
• https://scoutingmagazine.org/2017/02/tips-working-scouts-special-needs-disabilities/
  
• A lot of the tips on working with Scouts on the Autism Spectrum are also good tips for working with scouts on the ADHD/ODD spectrum: https://blog.scoutingmagazine.org/2016/04/21/6-resources-working-scouts-autism/
  
• Book by Dr. Ross Green, for parents, but maybe could offer you additional strategies: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
  
• Online Training: Collaborative Problem Solving www.thinkkids.org/train/trainings/ (there is a price involved, but you could ask your troop to pay for it, or you could call and explain your circumstance (SPL wants to best help Scouts with special needs) and see if they can give you a discount)

Hey buddy, I will probably get banned for posting a comment but I would really like to help. First of all to all MGTOW, as a woman I want to apologize. As a woman I have seen and heard women do and say terrible things. But I digress.. My suggestion is: arm yourself! Know what to look for in a healthy partner. Also know EXACTLY what you want in a partner so you know her when you see her. Be prepared to have your time wasted. Do not get caught in the "well...I've spent this much time with her I can't give up or all the time will be wasted." If you find yourself in a relationship, re-evaluate every 2-3 months to make sure you are happy and she isn't a total bitch. You may need to take a weekend away to do this. If you find you are unhappy, END IT. Do not think she will "change" or "come around" or "she's going through a rough patch"

I suggest reading about how to identify and handle narcissists. "Safe people" by Henry Cloud is good. Also "Disarming the Narcissists".
https://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310345790

The boundaries in dating/marriage series is also good. There is quite a bit that you have to take with a grain of salt because the author is fairly religious. (No sex before marriage/ no cohabiting before marriage, pshhhh yeah right)

Don't throw up in your mouth, but this is a great book on how to find love:
https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757

Don't shy away from a book because it might be "blue pilled". Just take some things with a grain of salt. If you want love you have to pursue it. You have to do the research to know how to find it. Remember we have the right to PURSUE happiness it isn't given to us on a silver platter.

If a woman has a drug problem do not pursue her.
If a woman is pressuring you to get married, get out. Things should always feel natural and evolving, there shouldn't be temper tantrums and stomping feet to get their way.
If a woman doesn't have a career (not a job a CAREER) do not pursue her. She must have a career.
Good Luck, I wish you the best.

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

First off, the fact that you are asking this question here shows me that your kid is going to be fine. It shows great awareness. That is awesome.
I can related a little because i grew up lower-middle class to uneducated parents but have gotten lucky breaks here and there which have helped me moved up in the world. As with your situation, I had to work a bit harder as I wasn't taught things that are normally taught in educated households. Don't think for once that a lot of money is necessary to raise a great kid. Your kid doesn't need extravagant gifts for xmas to know he/she is loved. Your time and attention matters so much more than material things - they will remember you doing arts and crafts and throwing a ball around more than you getting them the latest video game system.

The existence of the internet has greatly democratized things. There is so much information that is free to access that wasn't available for my parents.

My suggestions.

1. Read parenting books. Seriously, by just reading these books, you'll be a better parent than the more affluent, yet clueless parents that I know. There's so many topics to cover: nutrition, discipline, etc. Some of it might be very obvious, but it at least puts in all in the forefront of your mind. Some books:
   https://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child-ebook/dp/B00R5KWXU8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457183&sr=8-1&keywords=american+pediatrics+baby
   
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457006&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+book
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing-ebook/dp/B004J4X32U/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457006&sr=8-3&keywords=parenting+book
   
   Also read books on personal finance, saving for college, taxes and so on. There are too many to name but I'm sure you'll find them all at the library. It'll be overwhelming but you need to do it all at once.
   One thing you've probably already realized is that raising a kid is ultimately a self improvement endeavor. You have to work on yourself and make yourself a better person in order for your kids to be better, directly and indirectly.
   
   
2. Talk to your kids all the time and be patient in answer questions. Talk to them in the manner you'd like to see them talk to your grand children when they become adults. By talking all the time to them, they will have a much better language skills.
   
   
3. Take them to the library as much as you can. It's something that my mom did all the time and it helped developed my curiosity.
   
   
4. Find them mentors. I grew up not really knowing any adults who were in skilled professions so my outlook starting college was limited - I didn't know what was out there. I didn't know what jobs paid well and so on. I know it's going to be more of a challenge because of the folks you are surrounded by, but you can do things like have them participate in team sports, after school activities, work friends, etc.

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

Sorry to be the jerk here, but I really think you are allowing things to be happening that you just shouldn't allow.

They expect you to make dinner? What happens if you don't? If they're having solo fun time, why don't you and baby go do something fun and then you can all order pizza later. Who cares if they're annoyed - did it make you happy? Do it.

If you think getting back to work will make you happy, do it. Being a family - a team- doesn't mean one person gets to do all the fun stuff and the other gets to clean the floors and make dinner. Yes, your husband might be annoyed or against it, but so what? Is his annoyance really so much worse than your perpetual unhappiness?

He's treating you like a child because you allow him to treat you like a child. Don't. You are going to build bitterness and contempt into your relationship if you keep letting this happen to you. Take responsibility for your own happiness or misery. Talking to him hasn't made him see the light, so take the next step. Go do the things you want to do. If he wants to go, great. If not - see ya!

I highly recommend this book as a way to break the old patterns and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. A therapist recommended it to me, and it was hugely helpful in managing my expectations, relationship. It's your job to take care of you (and your baby)

Also, just an extra kick in the pants to stop this madness. Do you really want your child to see a mother who is miserable and bossed around by her husband? What your husband is doing makes you a doormat, is that really the example you'd like to be setting for the kid?

edited to add: There are a lot of mommy martyrs on here and as a former one it really burns me. It's such a tempting trap - 'I have to stay home, I have to do the laundry, I have to do it all' It turns out you don't and life gets much better when you realize that. I am in no way advocating ending your relationship, just changing the nature of your behavior/reactions. You will never change his behavior, so stop trying. He's the man you've got, so build a life for yourself that you are happy with and don't worry about it. He will adjust.

We are not forcing Lee to stay here, by the way. We told her, "Nobody is making you live here, Lee. You can go to another family whenever you want." When we suggested that, she covered her ears and screamed wordlessly like an animal... it was eerie.

Please don't say that to her again. She's a kid who has just been through several big traumas after a difficult early childhood and moved into a new house. She has to feel like she is wanted and secure and she can stay with you.

You really need a family therapist with experience with older adopted/foster kids. Maybe try telling your mom the school will need it, that it's not a psychiatrist but like a guidance counselor?

There are some great resources for parenting traumatized kids. Adopting the Hurt Child is fantastic and directly relevant to your situation, borrow/buy it. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is also great.

Reach out to other foster/adoptive parents in your community, especially with children adopted at an older age. The experience is very different from adopting an infant. These kids have been through enormous traumas and challenges, and what works on an infant raised in a secure and loving household just plain doesn't with them. They have fantastic survival skills for traumatic situations, but they haven't learned how to be kids in a normal household.

I have four adopted children, and my oldest who is now 21 was adopted at 12. Your sister's behaviour is fairly standard in that context, nothing surprising. If it helps, my daughter is now a loving and responsible young woman with a good full-time job. Took us some years of therapy, broken furniture, the cops being involved, but oh it was worth it.

PM me if you want specific advice or just to vent. I would be happy to talk to your mom - we are an Asian family too if that helps. There are lots of strategies and ways to parent her that will work, and she is clearly already attached to you guys and she's at school! with friends! those are good signs.

We're talking months to years - she won't turn into a regular kid overnight, she needs time to learn and heal and trust. I know how frustrating this is, but it can get better.

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.

Codependency

I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.


My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

• there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  
• I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)

I’m so sorry you were hurt by my post. That would never, ever be my intention. We moms have it hard enough without getting mom judgement. I’m glad you said something and I sincerely apologize.

The context is important because it does matter that your husband isn’t pulling his weight. That’s not something you signed up for and it’s a bullshit line of logic anyway to say you chose this. You chose kids, but you didn’t choose to have a husband who didn’t do his fair share. Life is hard, it doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to vent about it or be frustrated by it or expect people to do what they are supposed to do.

I really, really recommend dance of anger. I’ve also been in this spot — my husband is the organizer, but he’s a workaholic so he doesn’t help around the house at all. It’s something that I spent quality time discussing with my therapist when I had severe PPA. This was the book she recommend.

You are right to be angry. It’s a valid emotion and should not be ignored. The issue is that telling your partner to do better isn’t very likely to make him do better. The book is very, very helpful with this. Lots of logical consequences and lots of coaching you on not enabling him. He’s treating you like you can take care of everything because for a long time you have been. You cannot change his behavior, but you can change yours.

For example, you all choose chores for him to do. Say - laundry - and he doesn’t get it done. Rather than nagging him, just do your laundry (and maybe some of baby’s) and not his. His consequence is no clean laundry. Send it out to be laundered if you have to. It’s that sort of thing. It’s hard and it seems expensive but (as my therapist repeatedly pointed out) divorce is more expensive. For my husband and I, it was lightbulbs and basic house maintenance. I finally hired a handyman. It irritated me to spend money having someone else change lightbulbs, but it’s a hell of lot better than nagging him. And the money for that comes out of his monthly budget for fun stuff. His choice is to either do the handyman chores for the month or skip Starbucks. He chooses to skip the Starbucks.

Your husband going out 3 nights a week is obviously a problem. You’ve got to figure out the solution. Is it that you get the other 3? Or that instead of your nanny/cleaner coming during the day she comes those 3 nights and you both go out? Etc.

it’s hard. I repeatedly told my therapist that I didn’t like those options - what I wanted was for my husband to act like the partner I expected. She repeatedly reminded me I had the power to change my actions to make myself happy but had absolutely no power over his actions. So I was stuck only with the choices of things I could control to make myself happy. It was hard at first, but the more I did it, the better I got at it and the more my husband realized that I wasn’t his secretary. If he wanted x done he had to get it done himself.

Also. Please know. You are not alone. Lots of husbands have trouble making this leap. It’s been 2.5 years for me and my husband is really great 90% of the time. It just took him a while to understand how our lives had changed and that my vagina did not give me some sort of magical ‘get all the shit done’ power. That it was just as hard for me to do that stuff as for him to do it.

Good luck and hang in there. ❤️

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You know in the movie Donnie darko when what’s her fuck said that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language? Well “I trust her, I just don’t trust him” is the most idiotic, schmuck, fucking clueless inexperienced beta male shit ass dumb fucking phrase in the English language.

Every word he has spoken or written to your wife, every iota of motivation to interact with her, every second he has spent around your wife is fueled by romantic/sexual feelings. Not. Fucking. Platonic. And your wife... best case scenario loves the attention....worst case, she loves him. It’s probably somewhere in the middle.

You say he’s not a scumbag. That should worry you. A scumbag would make his intentions known overtly. A scumbag wouldn’t be pining away for a taken woman for years. A scumbag wouldn’t be sending a married woman gifts. A scumbag would actually be living his life and going after other women.

Call me old fashion... but the minute a man makes a pass at a married woman... if she has boundaries and values her marriage and husband... that dude is officially excommunicated. But no, you let her make him hubby number 2. Your happy your wife has someone to talk to while your at work? Huh? So what exactly does your wife do? She doesn’t have a job? What kind of shit show are you running?

Yes your wife is up to something. You say you have access to their messages. Ok bud... if you think youve seen more then A small fraction of their communication then i have some ocean front property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. Why is she talking on apps? Why aren’t they texting? And why is it 2 different apps? The age old question is can men and women be friends? Yes they can.... they just aren’t. Humans are motivated by attraction. Attraction is literally the most important thing in the western world. If your wife was 300 pounds with the exact same personality... this dude wouldn’t even know her name. Same goes for your wife. If she wasn’t attracted to him... she would zero motivation to interact with him. That’s how adults work. Someone commented earlier about trust being more then just her not having an affair. The fact that your marriage is even in this position should effect the trust you have for your wife.

I would tell my wife that he is not to set foot in this house nor is she to be alone with him . And that you’ve had enough and we will be taking him to dinner to talk about how it’s time for him to get his own life, about her lack of boundaries and making “marriage first” choices. This will be a good bye dinner.

And you and your wife need to read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

Here’s a free pdf version. https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-_Just-Friends__-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf

I can’t comprehend why you have given the green light to ANY of this fuckery...

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

I can't recommend this book enough:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It walks you through the important issues, and is based on surveys, years later, of people who stayed in their marriage or left, and how they feel about their decision in retrospect.

I read this after my divorce. If I had it years before, I would have divorced quicker instead of agonizing for so long. It would also have helped me better articulate to my ex why I was divorcing.

Here are the questions that are discussed in the book - but you really do need to read the whole book, to get the full idea:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/624336

1. Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?
   
   
2. Has there been more that one incident of physical violence in your relationship?
   
   
3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?
   
   
4. If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?
   
   
5. In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?
   
   
6. Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonable intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?
   
   
7. Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?
   
   
8. Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?
   
   
9. Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?
   
   
10. In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?
    
    
11. Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?
    
    
12. Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?
    
    
13. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?
    
    
14. Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to tell him/her to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?
    
    
15. Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that s/he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, s/he’s unwilling to do anything about?
    
    
16. This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?
    
    
17. As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does s/he acknowledge it and is s/he willing to do something about it and is s/he able to change ?
    
    18 & 19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
    
    

• If my partner did......................................................................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  
• If my partner didn’t do.............................................................................. ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  
• If these things were true about my partner....................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  

20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
    
    
21. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
    
    LIST
    
    

• Things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving
  
  
• Things I’m afraid of in my new life that make me think about staying.
  
  For each item on the list ask:
  
  
• Is this true?
  
  
• Is this likely?
  
  then
  
  
• What else is possible?
  
  
• What’s most likely?
  
  

22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant?
    
    
23. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?
    
    
24. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
    
    
25. As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
    
    
26. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?
    
    
27. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?
    
    
28. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?
    
    
29. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
    
    
30. Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?
    
    
31. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?
    
    
32. When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?
    
    
33. Does your relationship support your having fun together?
    
    
34. Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?
    
    
35. If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?

Thank you for the compliments :).

The best way, I've found, to be assertive is to figure out your values in life. What do you value? What's important to you? From there you can figure out what you will and won't accept. Big picture to small details. From there on you can be assured that you can give people what they want whilst getting what you want in return. A win-win!

For example; one of my values is, and the most important one too, is that my self development and growth are top. It will always come first. The next step, the boundary step, then was what behaviour will I not tolerate from others. Here they are:

• You must support my growth as a person, objections are fine, support is mandatory.
  
• Do not attempt to change me into something/someone I do not want to be. And,
  
• I refuse to try/do/believe things that will not enhance my development/quality of life or has beneficial outcomes over time.
  
  From there it's a matter of learning proper assertion skills. I highly recommend People Skills by Robert Bolton. This is helped me immeasurably. Check it out! --> People Skills.
  
  I hope this helps you figure out your boundaries.

> He used to make me feel amazing. I loved every moment we spent together.

> He's like a different person...

My ex was like this and I could write a book on it, but here are some books other people have written that have helped me:

• Narcissistic Lovers
  
• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay
  
• Disarming The Narcissist
  
• Getting Past Your Breakup (if this should ever happen, Zeus forbid)
  
  Since you were raised by an N, then a lot of the codependency books like "Codependency No More" and "Women Who Love Too Much" might be helpful too. It seems like you're working hard to get him all this help, but all you can really do is help yourself. If he's highly N, you'll probably have a hard time with him going to therapy and sticking with it and everything else but I'm not sure that's really the best place for you to focus. Only he can choose to get help and stick with it.
  
  I also made a post with a list of N traits from the book Disarming The Narcissist. My ex (and mother of course) possessed high degrees of all thirteen traits. Dealing with my ex was hell on Earth and I'm still recovering two years later, so if I don't seem very optimistic that's why. We always seem to want to see the best in people, and it's VERY hard to reconcile that a person who can be so sweet, loving, kind, caring, etc. can also be a liar, cheater and an overall shitty person. Ns can really weave a "reality distortion field" and so can we, because it's SO painful to see the truth sometimes. It's an up and down roller coaster ride that is VERY addicting.
  
  The person you fell in love with may have only been one aspect of his total personality. My old therapist used to tell me to look at the big picture. I would "split" my ex so that I would PINE after the sweet, loving person she could be, and ignore the terror she could also be. Everyone is capable of EVERYTHING, especially people who claim they're "not like that." Actions are meaningful, not words. My ex's actions painted a much different picture than her words.
  
  Anyway, good luck with everything.

You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.

My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.

With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.

Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

I think breathing room is important for all relationships including our children.

If you’d like my meager overall advice about parenting it goes like this;

You are always going to second-guess whatever you do as a parent. It sounds depressing and it is a little bit. But that means that you care. And as long as you put their needs first they are probably going to be fine.

It sounds like you’re thinking that lack of discipline causes misbehaving children and maybe you were learning now that disciplining children is a lot different than you thought it was. Don’t worry parenting will humble you every second. It’s normal. That’s the kind of thing a group of parenting friends will help you with. Not feeling alone isn’t bitching. And they might have good ideas to help you out.

I would suggest that you think of your daughter as a person who is doing their best all the time. If she’s acting out something is pushing her to do that. And that thing may be her normally developing brain. You seem upset and feel like she lost skills she had before. It can seem that way but that’s very normal throughout development and she will get those skills back and more. And it may be something in her environment.

Think of your job as to make the conditions for good behavior happen as much as possible while understanding that this isn’t going to happen all the time. I would suggest the book
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=talking+so+kids+will+listen&qid=1558035620&s=gateway&sprefix=talking+so+&sr=8-1
As a good place to start.


As for your wife. I’m assuming you’re not expecting her to come home and discipline your daughter for something she did earlier that day? Kids her age don’t have the cognition to handle that.

Ask for what you and your daughter need from your wife. I know my husband always has my back when my kids aren’t listening to me. That helps. We do also try to call each other on stuff when we need a different perspective.

Good luck. Did I mention parenting is hard? I hope things get better for you.

Oh My, I had forgotten this thread. Let me reply anyway!

Improve your Social Skills
This book is written by a man with Aspergers. It has a lot of useful advice. Needless to say, as I'm forgetful and absent minded, I used a highlighter a lot!

What Every Body is Saying
It contains a lot of info on body language, and I have found it helpful. There are some tips to come across more confident. You can also check videos on the web.


How to Talk to Kids So Kids will Listen
Don't misjudge the book! It may seem as not suitable for adults. But it contains a lot of tips that can help improve adult on adult relationships. There are some parts that talk about how we deny people their right to experience a certain feeling. For example :
Person a: My dog died. I'm so sad.
Person b: Oh, but cheer up! you'll have other dogs in the future! don't dwell on it, it's no use! vs.
Person b: I see. It must be tough. You really cared about your dog.

It really makes you ponder.

And of course the most well known books, "how to win friends and influence people", etc. I have been also looking for books on how to hold a conversation, but haven't had much luck yet.

sorry for the late reply

Best of luck!

Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.

When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).

My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.

I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?

About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.

Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.

RBB, man. It sucks.

I do believe that BPDs can love deeply. For a long time I ruminated on this question, and I realized something that gave me peace. It was that in my prior relationships I didn't "love" them, I was only meeting my own needs to not be alone or unwanted, and in this I kept setting myself from heartbreak. I came to this conclusion after an IOP treatment, and reading A LOT of insightful information on neuroscience, narcissistic parents and child development. With the patience and love of my SO I now understand what it is to "love". To me, to love someone for who they are inside flaws and all, I want the very best for him and I treat him with respect instead of using him for my own needs and never considering his. I also had to learn boundaries, and making him my world is kinda weird.

I suggest reading a book called "Wired for Love"
and learning that it's okay to be alone (it was white-knuckling on the bathroom sobbing wanting to die kind of hard to learn but sooooo worth it. I have noticed that the BPs gain stability through experiencing their pain and learning to let the emotions wash through them.

Sorry for all over answer above but I do believe in you and that people with BPD can love immensely, deeply and passionately! And I hope that someday you find yourself really in love.

Wow! Well, now you know. And you've also drawn a line in the sand that puts her in her place in the past, and you've done it with style, and you've done it together. Kudos to both of you!

Looking forward, a man so willing to do what he feels is the right thing in the moment, and most of all, who's willing to validate a woman's goodness and her place in his life, cannot help but find the right one and make her happy.

If you're as interested in learning about relationships -- and doing the right thing by the women in your life -- as it seems, here's a great book: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Good luck!

First, know that what your girlfriend is feeling and expressing to you is valid. What she is saying is extremely normal for a neurotypical person to say. Much of our ADHD behavior comes off as being rude or careless.

If I can guess, since you are about 6 months in, she's probably dealing with you becoming more distant. In the beginning, people with ADHD can overload a partner with love and romance and emotions. But then it dwindles. We get bored of it. We aren't bored of the person, but we are bored of the whole humdrum of romancing someone. So to the other person we seem detached or like we don't care anymore. This is usually the moment where relationships start having problems.

I kept having relationships with guys who seemed to suddenly, at about 4-6 months in, just not like me anymore. They'd start complaining about my behavior in ways they never did before. Suddenly I'm too messy. Or too loud. Or too chaotic. So, I'd end the relationship. I'd say "well you just don't like me anymore I guess."

So. There's a lot to unpack in your post. I'm going to try to break it up into easy bullets:

1.) If your girlfriend expects you to remember something important, she needs to see you write it down, put it in a calendar, etc. None of this "hey can you do the dishes later". You will say yes probably without even hearing her. She needs to tell you important things in a way that might seem condescending, but it's just how our brains work. What does she want you to do? When does she want you to do it? How does she want you to do it?

2.) The honesty thing is probably her offended that you say whatever is on your mind. This is on her to tackle IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you say something she thinks is "too honest" she has to say so and you need to talk about it. I'm terrible at stopping my impulse to say things and I often end up criticizing my boyfriend without meaning to. One time me loudly complaining "OMG THERES WAY TOO MANY ONIONS IN THIS" turned into a fight that almost ended our relationship. And tbh there weren't that many onions. I just got a lot of onions in a bite and my brain was like "say this thing and make your partner feel bad!!" Again, this is something that has to be dealt with as it happens. It's no use bringing it up later because you'll be like "I never said that." And she will want to slap you.

3.) Your intentions don't really matter. Maybe you don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but the fact is, to HER you are being mean. And neurotypical people would file that info away and not do that thing next time. With ADHD we might store that info but we don't use it when we need it. We keep doing it. And to our partners that seems careless. SO you need to figure out a solution. Maybe it's a look in public or a touch on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is probably way more aware of how you appear to others in social situations than you do. Use her normal brain to your advantage.

4.) Instead of just saying "sorry it's the ADHD, can't do anything about it until I get a dosage increase", try something like this: "Sorry, that was rude of me (or inconsiderate, whatever). The ADHD makes it difficult for me to [whatever behavior] but I am working on improving that. Can you help me figure out a way to stop doing that in the future?"

Also, SHE needs to 1) accept that you have ADHD and that your diagnosis is valid and 2) accept that you are not your diagnosis and know how ADHD affects behavior by reading books or videos, etc.

There are people who definitely do use ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. Me having ADHD doesn't give me the right to continue to say rude things to my boyfriend. But the success of your relationship will rely on both of you understanding how the ADHD affects you, her, and the relationship. Is it worth all that work? That's for you to decide. I personally see my partner as a HUGE help in my life. But it took a long time for him to understand me and my ADHD.

Some books that are helpful:

Is it you me or adult add

Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD

AND if you still have difficulties, a therapist who has experience with adult ADHD and relationships will be a god send. Good luck!!

This is a pretty good list.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

• The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.
  
  
• Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".
  
  
• I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.
  
  
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!
  
  The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!
  
  edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I'm thrilled you found this helpful! Parenting is so hard, and I'm lucky I have a very intuitive wife who is helping guide me through the tricky parts. It sounds like you are in a similar role.

I would offer one piece of parting advice: broach the topic with your husband this evening. Maybe ask him "Hey, I left a reddit comment open on your laptop this morning. Did you get a chance to read it?" It is incredibly important that you begin to work together with him. Here's a very short resource on how to start a discussion rather than an argument.

I would also recommend seeing if there are any "Bringing Baby Home" seminars in your area. Your child might be "too old" for one, but just lie and say she's a few months old, then "leave her with grandma". When my wife and I took it, it was a two day seminar that has almost nothing to do with children, and everything to do with the stresses a new child places of your marriage. It helps you come up with some coping techniques, and provides some more productive alternatives to managing conflict.

If you can't make it into one of those, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Basically, anything by Dr. John Gottman is going to be extremely good. It's what my wife reads, so I should know :) He is also the one who developed the content for the Bringing Baby Home seminar.

I wish you the best of luck. And if your husband wants to talk to another dad who struggles with a lot of the same stuff he is, have him message me. I'll be happy to chat.

But seriously, don't leave it up to chance that he read my first post.

It means to be with your friends. Either reconnecting with old friends you've neglected for your marriage/relationship, or finding new friends to go out with.

Having fun with friends and finding new hobbies or being active in old hobbies, can improve mood and help people see there is life outside of and beyond their DB.

Your friend might benefit from a copy of: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

The books on the sub sidebar recommended reading list are good too.

Another vote for 9 as definitely being old enough to go to the playground alone. I also grew up with lots of autonomy as a kid and plan on giving my kids the same freedoms. I walked to kindergarten alone and I just can't imagine my kids being any less capable than I was. Kids need to get outside and play without their parents there.

How was your wife's childhood? Was she given freedom and autonomy? I have a few older friends with teenagers who were never allowed out of their parent's sight. The kids are now lovely teens, nice, friendly, happy and fun to talk to, but totally unable to do anything for themselves, from make a sandwich to take the bus. I recommend the book Protecting the Gift. Great advice about how to teach your kids to be safe.

I would step back from your relationship and look at the components besides love. Sometimes I think we watch too many romantic comedies so we believe that "love will conquer all". It doesn't. It's 100% necessary, but you also need trust, honesty, respect, and understanding/forgiveness. Think of it like a table. If you have all 4 legs, the table can sustain significant burden. If you only have 3 it can stand up on its own, but it's unstable and will collapse under any sort of weight. If you have fewer than 2, then it's not a functioning table at all.

Marriage is hard. Really fucking hard. On top of that, your marriage will periodically have to stand up to hardship (family deaths, job loss, children, depression/illness, etc.) over time. But, if you have all 4 of the above, you can not only survive those things, but thrive in them.

Also, if you haven't read the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", I recommend that you both do so and discuss your impressions from it. Personally, I think that the author over-generalizes a little, but it's a great book to help you find insight into why you feel/act the way you do and why he feels/acts the way he does. It was MASSIVELY applicable to my marriage and immediately helped me communicate with more compassion and understanding because I began to understand what my wife was hearing when I said certain things.

How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?

First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.


YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:

• Children are immature yet whole beings, entitled to every bit of respect that adults are entitled to
  
  
• Discipline means literally "to teach." Discipline =/= punishment, humiliation, or shame
  
  
• We "work with" instead of "do to"
  
  
• Parenting is the gradual process of perpetually stepping back
  
  
  Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
  
  
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Resource on gentle parenting. Heavily cited and supported by evidence. Also see The Myth of the Spoiled Child.
  
  
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel Addresses attachment theory, how it effects brain development, how childhood attachment style and trauma effects your parenting as an adult, and how to work with it. Also key is the difference between enmeshing yourself in your child's feelings vs guiding them through them.
  
  
• No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel I haven't read this yet, but I'm a fan of Siegel, so...
  
  
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber This is a classic, very readable. Gives concrete strategies, and walks through practical scenarios. Discusses natural consequences vs purely punitive measures.
  
  
  If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
  
  Good luck!

I had a crappy father, but he pressed me to work hard at math. That was good.

He was a construction worker and every time he fixed something around, he made me stand there and hands his tools to him, so I can fix just about anything around the house.

Here's a book on how to raise a smart and happy child.
https://www.amazon.com/Brain-Rules-Baby-Updated-Expanded/dp/0983263388

Now that my daughter is a toddler, the pediatrician recommended this book
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X

Don't let her watch Disney princess movies if you can help it, except Brave is probably good http://national.deseretnews.com/article/20551/disney-princess-culture-may-not-be-great-for-the-future-of-little-girls.html

I play the Winnie the Pooh educational videos for her, so that's what she likes: 123's, Shapes and Sizes, ABC's.

In order to deal with talking to her about sex, which you may need to do as early as age six, read this book https://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Navigating-Complicated-Landscape-ebook/dp/B0111YAT0Y

I am so deeply disturbed by what girls have to deal with now days. It's so much worse than when I was a teen. Worrying about my daughters keeps me up at night.

Okay...Jake needs leadership. Got it?

Hasn't had much of it for some reason. Certainly doesn't have it now.

A very common mistake that parents make with kids is that they just expect kids to be miracles. To be perfect. To do all the right things...etc.

Here's the bottom line - kids have to be taught EVERYTHING. Got it?

They pop out with nothing and rely solely on their parents to learn just about everything.

So...when a kid seems fucked up, the only person to point the fingers to are the parents. It's not the kid, it's not the kid, it's not the kid. It's the parents.

If you are going to be involved in this kid's life, you are going to have to find the means and practices to teach and support him. Only then is he going to change.

It's not easy, by the way, and I can tell you that forcing him to do something seldom works. You can push a kid to be better, but only under the right terms.

And lastly, if you don't have trust and respect in a relationship, you don't have a relationship. If you don't have a relationship, you have nothing. You can't take control or help a kid or adult until they trust you, and until they respect you.

Be a leader. Be a VERY good leader. This applies to kids and all those around you.

I would start with this book

Good luck.

Not sure if you're being facetious but if not check out YouTube...there are countless videos on small talk, eye contact, being more charismatic, etc. I like this guy's videos although he has a lot more stuff he charges for.

I also read this book which I thought was really helpful.

It's pretty stunning and frustrating to logical people like us that the most qualified in the workplace aren't typically the ones who get promoted and recognized. I've learned how important it is to have the "show" to match the "go". It's an unfortunate fact so may as well learn how to play the game.

As a quick general tip, I try to make conversation with random people browsing for the same stuff as me at the store, cashiers, people waiting in line at the checkout, etc. It's a risk free opportunity for practice.

Most important thing I've learned personally...smile and make eye contact. My eye contact was awful and I have had to work really hard on improving it but it makes an entire world of difference in how you are perceived and being able to connect with others.

You could try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are separate versions for “Little Kids” and “Teens” as well. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I also liked [1-2-3 Magic](1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_88L2AbPWR1BCY) for my son it really helped. Good luck!

+1 For John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I just read it and was blown away by the solid advice backed by the science of decades of research/observation of couples in Gottman's Love Lab.

He basically says the Mars/Venus book is bollocks.

2 biggest take aways:

1. You need to be each other's best friend. You need to know your wife deeply and be involved and engaged with her on a daily basis. Care about her life.
   
   
2. Your wife and her needs are more important than you and your wants. There are a hundred different things that annoy her or that she wants a specific way and it wouldn't make any difference to you - so remember those things and do them. Even if you have to spend a little extra energy or time - do them. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

In addition to the other ideas, empathize with him. "It has to be really tough when you want something sooooooo badly, but you don't have the money to buy it, huh? Like, that game is probably your favorite one and the one thing you've been wanting for sooooooo long. And it's so hard to not have it."

On top of that, you can address it with wishful ideas: "I wish I had a million dollars and could buy you anything you want!" or "I wish that everything was free!" Let him come up with some wishful ideas, too.

There is a really great book published 20+ years ago that may help you: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI

Can I recommend you watch a webinar that is free for the next 24 hours. It is about this very subject, what to do when a family member has ADHD. It is a webinar that is done by one of the leading ADHD experts (we have other videos by him in the wiki and sidebar) but right now there is a free ADHD webconference where they are airing videos from 36 ADHD experts live and for free for 24 hours after the live video and right now this ADHD expert, Dr. Barkley who just written a book on this subject is airing his video.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/5t4tl3/dr_barkley_live_webinar_right_now_and_can_also_be/

Note this ADHD expert has written over 200 scientific journal articles on ADHD.

He also recommends (and I have read this book too and it is great). This book

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008

Links to Amazon

Note I can share many other good videos by him and others but this one is free only for a limited time and thus I recommend watching it today or tonight.

I don't think you're crazy. Your sentence, "Not because of her partying but simply because I don't feel like she's open to me" sounds like you have really been honest with yourself about what hurts you the most and what you need from her.

I was in a state of ambivalence about what to do about the relationship I was in, but reading a book that was recommended here or /r/relationships helped me take a step back from the goings-on of the relationship and evaluate what I want and need from a relationship, and what my bottom line is. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350). There is a chapter in here about substances or behaviour that makes one person in a relationship uncomfortable, and if you can get your hands on this book I think it might be a good guide to helping you work out some of your thoughts and feelings.

I'm also happy to see a lot of comments from other redditors to help you through this. I wish you the best!

I highly suggest the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

https://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

One of the biggest concepts it helped my wife and I with was to stop giving our kids "punishments" and start giving them "natural consequences" for their actions.

Whenever they misbehave in a specific way then the consequence of their action is always somehow related to what they did, and to try to always make sure we warn him of potential consequences before they happen.

For instance today our son was playing too close to his sister's face with one of his toys so we warned him that he needed to not get so close to her because he might hurt her, and explained that there would be consequences if he didn't listen to us. Sure enough about 5 minutes later he accidentally bopped her in the nose and she started crying. I explained to him that because he hadn't listened to me and had hurt his sister as a consequence of his behavior he couldn't play with that toy again for the rest of the day and he had to leave the room and couldn't play with his sister for 10 minutes. He cried when I took the toy and then stood just outside the room sobbing until I let him back in and we talked about why he had to leave the room and why he needed to listen to me and be gentle around his sister. I think it worked out pretty well since he was more careful around her for the rest of the day, but I'm sure we'll go through the same thing all over again tomorrow.

That said, kids at this age being jerks who won't help is TOTALLY NORMAL and I absolutely snap at mine sometimes when I'm at my wit's end. If you're doing it right parenting is extremely hard work and nobody can be at the top of their game 100% of the time.

Remember that they aren't being jerks on purpose or with any kind of malice, they're just being jerks because that's what kids do. Their brains work differently than ours do and they lack the kind of impulse control and sense of responsibility that adults have. Part of what we're doing by having the same conversations/fights with them over and over and over again is helping them to learn the impulse control and responsibility that will make them successful adults.

Good luck! And please take a look at that book. It's a classic so you should be able to find a copy at your public library. It's a little hippie-dippie in parts but it has some really great suggestions and examples and it's helped me have a better relationship with my son.

Best all around relationship book IMO is likely:
John Gottman PHD, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Don't let the title fool you it is good for more than just marriages.
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_wkf3DbPJF7Z18

Also check out these authors:

• David Schnarch - crucible approach
  
• Midori - BDSM books mostly but if you're having difficulty with boundaries the BDSM consent model may be helpful.
  
• Emily Nagoski - a lot on intimacy and desire as well as expressing your needs.
  
• Gary Chapman - love languages, explains how different people communicate love for one another.
  
  If you PM me with more details I can suggest additional reading suggestions.

As someone who is currently in couples counseling and who both withdraws, and worries about my partner's reactions to my emotions, I want to echo what /u/zamonie is saying by sharing something I've learned in therapy about "not getting into someone's drama".

If you are constantly worried about other people's needs as a child, then it can make you codependent as an adult. And if you are codependent, then you are overly involved in other people's reactions/emotions AND want to manage their reactions/emotions. You also may not have a great deal of resources for managing your own emotions.

As someone who meets all of the criteria above, one of the most enlightening things that therapy has done for me is to teach me that I am not responsible for other people's emotions (unlike what my Nmom thinks), and they are not responsible for mine.

In practical terms, what this means is that if I had a hard day at work, then I don't get to come home and vent to my partner for 2 hours about what happened. What I get to do is check in with myself about my feelings (anger? frustration? sadness?) and decide how to best cope with the energy from those emotions. This means letting yourself feel them (e.g. not pushing them down or trying to numb or avoid them) and also doing some self-care to deal with the energy, like exercising or meditating or journaling or art or whatever you feel like will help you the most.

If -- after you have done a first pass on your emotional state -- you feel like you want to talk about your hard day at work, then you can seek support from another person. But the reason the order of operations here is important is because going to another person first and unleashing your emotions on them is called DUMPING. You are making it THEIR problem.

When /u/zamonie talked about not getting involved in drama, it reminded me that I used to stir up drama every. single. day. when I would come home from work. My husband would listen to me go on and on about this person or that person or how stupid this misunderstanding was, etc, etc. This was because I had no resources to be with these emotions on my own. Now that I do, I request some time to myself when I come home so he knows what's going on ("Hey - I had kind of a shit day... I think I need some time to myself"), and then I do the things I mentioned above. I deal with my own problems.

So. Why am I telling you all of this. :-) Because, as /u/zamonie said:

>maybe you feel like your partner MUST feel "responsible" or involved for your sadness because you kind of have an automatic idea of THAT'S how relationships work. But maybe that's not actually how this works? And maybe a relationship could actually work better if both partners had this meta-level to themselves where they decide to be solely responsible? I dunno.

This is true. I'm learning this in couples counseling. It's called 'differentiation'. A good book on this topic is Passionate Marriage (read the reviews, they say more than I can). What this means is that as a first pass, you deal with your own feelings about your partner before bringing them to your partner. Not that you never divulge them (I hear that concern in the question about honesty that you posed), but that you work on them yourself first. Then you can get clear about what you want because you aren't all worked up about it.

I wish you all the best as you navigate your relationship -- I understand deeply where you and your partner are coming from. I would also encourage couples counseling, especially someone trained in the Gottman framework (an evidence-based approach to marriage counseling).

I'm not sure if there would be a couples therapist who would do online counseling with two people in different locations. I don't think this issue is common enough for you to be able to find a therapist who advertises such a service. You maaaay be able to find an therapist who does therapy through video chat and ask if this would be possible, but it would take a willing therapist and a therapist with some tech know-how (able to use Google Hangouts or something else for 3-person video chat).

But yeah, as you're already aware, the distance is a big barrier. I'd second the suggestion another person made about both of you starting individual therapy in your own home locations to work out issues.

Another idea I'd suggest is for the both of you to buy this book, read it on your own, and discuss it regularly by phone or videochat: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Dy9hzbWSKC8WS

There are a ton of relationship books out there, but Gottman is one of the major authorities in the field of couples therapy. I used it a lot with my couples in therapy with good feedback.

Good luck and hope you're able to work out the best decision that works for you both.

If you try to remember, when he does something to hurt you or someone else, he's just acting out. Try your best not to get angry. As a bunch of other posters have said, give him a lot of love. Make him feel like you admire and love him. Keep him away from anymore unnecessary stress and try to make things happy and hopeful even if they aren't.

If you can turn things around now, he may not be permanently damaged. He probably won't even remember much of it. Also, this book is helpful.

This guy is a complete child, and he's taking you for granted. Here is the thing about relationships: if the two people have good communication and are both willing to talk through their issues and are committed to working things out, then anything can be solved. If they don't have that, then nothing can be solved. It sounds to me like he's not really willing to try.

Allow me to recommend a book about relationships, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay," a step-by-step guide authored by a psychologist that will walk you through a process of evaluating your relationship. It is a great book that will really through some clarity on your relationship. Good luck.

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411169889&sr=1-1&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay

It sounds like you're on the right track. Kids need boundaries and logical consequences for misbehavior. Some of my favorite parenting books are:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively

Understanding Your Child's Temperament

These books can be pretty dry, but the information is very useful. If you google enough you can probably find the cliff's notes versions. Good luck!

I agree with everything you said, but it seems (based on your comments) that she's taking what she wants from the lesson and maybe not what's being taught.

If better marital communications is your goal and you haven't read it already, read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I've read it several times again over the years and aside from being wildly entertaining, he's spot on. I made my Sons read it when they hit 16. They swear by it.

Also, here's the link to the Church's "Lesson 5: Responding to Challenges through Positive Communication"

Good Luck, Brother.

I would strongly recommend getting all 3 of these. They pretty much cover everything you need to know.

Unfortunately as a BS you got blindsided with trauma that you likely don’t have the tools to heal from. Even if you can afford MC (which I’m doing), you should still read these.

Get them used and they’re pretty affordable. Get some highlighters and mark them up. Pick out sections to discuss with him.

1. For your husband (I marked this up for my WS/wife) - it was a major point of new understanding for her.
   
   How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
2. Comprehensive guide to everything. A little long on the storytelling, but the information is fantastic.
   
   Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
3. Forgiveness is a poor word for what lies ahead. There is not forgetting or rug sweeping. Even if you separate, you still need this book.
   
   How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060009314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Zy9VDb01D81M7
   
   I hope you can find your way out of this hell. Reply or PM me if there’s something on your mind and need some reassurance.

I think only you know grandma well enough to answer that. If you think she'd be receptive then I would, but if you don't think she'd be receptive then I think you need to be monitoring what goes on at grandma's house too. I would try not to be obvious about it-- at 12 your daughter won't want people checking up on her, and that will just make her want to break free and rebel.

I don't think I would ever put an ultimatum or anything on my daughter not seeing her brother, I would just spend the time working really hard with her on things like-- "trust your gut," "what are situations that are red flags?" "how do you know when you're in over your head?" "how to ask for help and not be embarrassed..." etc... so that it's not specifically about anyone in particular, but they are good life lessons. Always keeping that communication open.

I would also check out "The gift of Fear" (which I recommend to patients all the time). I haven't read the one aimed at kids, but I hear it's good too -- http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

I was never officially diagnosed until my second attempt at u-grad, but my mom recognized ADHD was rampant in my dad's fam and did her best to explain reasoning to me, and to ask me to think things through. She used How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk to great success. I wasn't very old when I read it, and said "Hey Mom, why aren't you using X method?" =P

Not a therapist recommendation, but I strongly suggest Dr John Gottman's book. This American Life had a good intro to his work. Basically, his team decided to treat marriage like a natural phenomenon and take a statistical data-based look at what predicts failure or success of a marriage. The results run counter to a lot of common wisdom about relationships.

I can't help much because I'm also in a place where I don't know where to go from here with my adhd partner. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. There are lots of symptoms that don't bother me, but the "defensive and explosive anger at even the slightest perceived conflict" and "walking on eggshells" part is really getting to me, too. I'm personally in a place (without children) where I'm considering an ultimatum regarding him going to counseling because it really is exhausting dealing with regular emotional outbursts and I just don't think I have the tools to deal with it alone. I don't have the answers, I'm still hoping we get through it because, like you, I really do love my SO, but I do know there isn't anything selfish or wrong about feeling that way. Your feelings are completely valid.

If you're both already in counseling, I recommend making sure your counselor is well informed on ADHD and is aware that it's part of what's at play. If they don't know the full story, they can't help. I haven't gone to counseling myself (yet) but got that tip from Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? (I think? read too many things to know where I got what) which may also be a good read to consider if you're not yet ready to throw in the towel.

Your situation sounds tough even without dealing with a neurological disorder that causes amongst many relationship strife and high divorce rates. Everyone has baggage, it's just deciding for yourself if his baggage fits with yours and if you can learn and grow together for a better relationship and life. Good luck!

Thank you for reaching out for information and advice to help your daughter and as well your relationship with your wife. Your situation is like Shrodinger's Cat and no one knows whether of not your daughter has autism. However, your question is: how should you and your wife view and parent your daughter until the assessment?

I am guessing your wife has a list of behaviours to support her belief that your daughter have autism and you mention that she stims. You said that OT and SPL believe she has autism after 10 minute assessment and her teacher and your mother does not. When you said you don't want to put her in a box and focusing on what she can do, do you mean you believe: 1. autism should not be used as an excuse for certain behaviours? 2: your daughter should be held to higher expectation despite her shortcoming? 3. your wife's list of concerns about your daughter can be overcome with your style of parenting

Your post offers very little factual information about your daughter, what exactly you and your wife disagree on, unless this is literally an argument about syntax and definition.What are the concerning behaviours? Who is the primary care taker of the child? Let's stick to facts we know about autism. Autistic female tends to be under diagnosed because they tend to be able to 'act more normal' for lack of better terms. OT and SPL are trained professionals on developmental disability and the teacher and your mother are not. If OT and SPL can offer an diagnose on your daughter within 10 minute, you must then use your logic to decide 1. are these professionals are wrong and teacher, mom, and us, who have no training in diagnosis are right? or 2. does my daughter have clear signs of developmental delay?

Also, there are many other developmental delays, physical or psychological conditions that can be possible. For example, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Language Disorder, Selective Mutism, Social Anxiety, etc etc etc If your wife is concern about your daughter, it is worth the effort and the time to take a closer look, to be thorough, to be prepared, and support each other through this difficult and scary journey. It is always better to be more vigilant than negligent.

Let's say your daughter does not have autism. However, your wife has must have pointed out some difficult behaviours that she needs help tackling. Most experts agree that strategies used to help autistic children to thrive are superior parenting and teaching techniques for every child, even neurotypical ones. You do not need to wait until the diagnose to get the help your daughter and your wife needs. If you can let us know what behaviours your wife is concerned about, we can help you come up with good ways to manage or redirect regardless if your daughter's diagnose.

If you do not trust our inputs can be objective or effective for your daughter, I recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a parenting book for neurotypical children, but the skills are also useful for children with autism.

I hope this helps.

P.S. Don't focus who is right or wrong in a relationship. That way everyone loses. The most important thing here is that your daughter thrives. Focusing on succeeding not winning.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is usually highly recommended.

I also recommend Married to Distraction.

Good luck on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and he wasn't diagnosed until 7-8 months ago. This is definitely not one of those things where your marriage will make it because you love each other so much. You have to work, and I mean seriously work your ass off for it. At least, that's been my experience. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, either. And when it comes to your fiance getting organized and trying to get things together, it has to be his own system. You can't create a system of organization for him. It has to come from his own head. I tried several different ways to help my husband get organized, and not a single one of them worked.

And one important aspect is that he needs to realize how important it is to you for him to try to get organized and stay on track. This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but ADHD is no excuse for not putting effort into working on things and/or not getting things done. You can't always be the one who picks up the slack and does too much. It will drive you crazy, and I can attest to that. Be very careful of the parent/child dynamic, because that is incredibly destructive to a relationship. If you notice this happening, it's best to get some counseling and nip it in the bud.

Sorry if this sounds so depressing, but it's something I wish I had known before getting married. ADHD can be a serious impediment to a marriage, and it's definitely not something to take lightly. You're already doing great by wanting to do your research and prepare yourself for what's to come!

Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!

I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.

1. I think it's clear your son trusts you. You're doing something right.
   
   
2. It's a struggle for us ACoNs to know if we're doing a good job being parents, and I think that especially as golden children we have a hard time being critical. My parents say the same thing about me, how "good" I was and how I entertained myself. Um, I was good because if I wasn't, you didn't love me. But that's a digression. I would recommend checking out a few things about positive parenting. Two resources: this is THE book on positive parenting, recommended by the woman we took some parenting workshops with and my p-doc. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
   
   Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
   
   These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
   
   Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3

One thing that was misleading to me was understanding if Alex was primary or secondary. It's a whole different world of experience: I first assumed that Alex was primary because I had the physiological traces of it (fronto temporal left arachnoid cyst) but a few years later I finally admitted to myself that I had secondary Alex due to traumatizing experiences in childhood.

What I found now is that I can experience emotions if I work on the the trauma, if I break through using tools like meditations, drugs, therapy. I do not know is the cause of your Alexithymia but I found that through the years I was able to work with my partners in a way that worked, it required a level of vulnerability and communication that while it is possible might not work for everyone.

You are doing good work, read the book, understand what Alex is and try to understand what causes it. For relationships, a great book that helped me in my couple communication was Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict

> that neither of us saw each other like that anymore.

If you don't see each other as lovers anymore, you're just good friends. Keep the friendship. Move on to other partners you're more attracted to, and compatible with.

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirschenbaum, might be a good book to read.

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

Have you tried honestly communicating with him?

Saying something like "Hey Dad, I appreciate what you're trying to say here and I want to figure out a solution but I feel like you are picking on me here a little bit. I have even done x, y, and z lately but you seem to be just focusing on A, B, and C. This is really frustrating me and I want to figure out a way to make you happy but I'm doing my best here. Can we work together to figure something out?"

This book might help: http://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X

I bought this book mostly for myself but as I read through it I realized several parts were describing my spouse, too! It could be helpful for both of you to read. There is an audio book format too if that works better for you.

If you are diagnosed with ADHD medication can help a lot of the issues you've mentioned. I hope your wife sticks by you through this. If you have ADHD getting treatment really helps!

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

• Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.
  
  Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
  
  
• Thorough and practical!
  
  The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
  
  
• The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.
  
  The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
  
  
• There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.
  
  
  Other good books:
  
  The Dance of Anger
  
  
• If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".
  
  Kid Confidence
  
  
• For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.

You sound like an awesome father. Your son is lucky to have you. My son has a sensory processing disorder and he is considered a "explosive child." Doctors think he might be on the spectrum. I am happy your son is able to attend ABA therapy. One thing that helped me with my 5 year old was this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

This book also helped me to understand how frustration and not being able to deal with dissapointment was at the heart of some of his anger: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3HZXLLH7AYKGW&keywords=explosive+child&qid=1554916295&s=books&sprefix=explossive+%2Cstripbooks%2C147&sr=1-1

​

I also started to give him CBD gummiest. I only give him 3 mg. His explosive anger has greatly subsided. He is a different kid. He still has major meltdowns but I would say they have been reduced by 40% in frequency and intensity. Other people have posted on the CBD with kids issue. If you use the search function you can find some of those threads.

Good luck to you. please report back if you decide to use CBD with your child. I am sure there are other parents who would like to know more.

Maybe Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, the Harvard Mediation guy? (He also wrote 'Getting to Yes') I have found the book helpful, and your team might like it because it applies to all areas of life, not just work. http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014028852X

Also, the Harvard Business Review has some good anthology-style books. Might be nice to get one on teams, management, strategy, or whatever looks good (they're all on Amazon) and discuss. I read one on management and thought it was really useful.

Also agree that 'Getting Things Done' is a good book to have in the office library!

My husband has ADHD. And yes, he sometimes forgets things. But ADHD is not an excuse to be a jerk.

The problem I see with your husband is not that he forgets to put things away or throw them away, it’s that he doesn’t recognize how this affects you. “It’s just a cup”...but it isn’t just a cup to you! It’s cup after cup on top of all the other little things and it adds up! He needs to at least be willing to acknowledge how this affects you, and apologize and try to do better. It sounds like the therapist is enabling his behavior.

One thing that I think helps my husband and I (because we both can be messy) is to have company over every week or 2, because it forces us to clean up our messes so our house isn’t embarrassing. Maybe this is something you can try to start. Don’t clean up after him, let it pile up for over a week so he can see how it adds up! If he doesn’t see the stuff he left all over the house, start piling it up on his side of the bed or somewhere that it’s in his way. I mean ON the bed so he can’t go to bed without touching it.

One thing that I think you might try is, ask him to set aside 20 minutes a day and use that time to go around the house together to pick up messes. Put it on a calendar, ideally with reminder notifications! When you have ADHD, you don’t just give up on being a properly functioning adult, you find ways to work around your shortcomings! Use technology and post it notes or whatever else it takes.

My husband always forgets to carry the laundry up or down the stairs when I ask him to. It can take days. I don’t give in and do it...I have an endless supply of underwear and he doesn’t. But sometimes I will move the hamper so it’s right in the doorway and he’d have to basically trip over it to get in our room. My next step is getting him to use the same technique to remind himself.

What does your husband spend his time doing? Do you get as much free time as he does? I bet not. These are really important issues to work through now because it’s going to get much more difficult after the baby arrives. There’s a book I’ve heard a lot about that I think touches on division of labor a fair bit..you should check it out. How to Not hate Your Hisband after Kids

There's a pretty good book out there called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

The author's first question is: when the relationship is / was at it's best, how good was it, really? Did the two of you genuinely enjoy each other's company, or did were you just doing things together that you each enjoyed independently of the other?

I am not the OP but here are two books that I got for my SO to help her in understanding and dealing with someone who has ADHD. They were an immense help and I personally found them oddly refreshing to read... it's nice to see and know that there are others out there who share the exact same issues, and even more importantly that there are others who understand.

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-But-Stuck-Emotions-Adults/dp/111827928X

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

I've been doing a lot of "time ins" rather than "time outs", where I sit with him and we discuss what went on for four or five minutes. I try to focus a lot on how his words made me feel, and ask him as well what he was feeling when he said those words.

What does he watch on TV? I've seen behavior affected significantly by what kids are watching, there's even a good study on how watching "Arthur" make kids have MORE conflict rather than less. I try to stick mainly to PBS shows and I screen potential shows using the Common Sense Media site to help me decide if things are age-appropriate.

I try not to cave on my policies, so he knows what to expect every time he challenges me. I noticed, for example, that when I had no strict policy for TV watching I was getting temper tantrums daily. I realized it was because he didn't know what to expect. Sometimes he'd ask for TV and I would say yes, sometimes I'd say no. I knew my reasons, sort of, but actually writing them out helped me clarify them and helped my son understand, his tantrums on this subject dropped immediately after I wrote out my policy and explained it. (Loosely, my policy is that he has to have at least an hour of active or creative play and at least thirty minutes of quiet time, as well as picking up all his toys before he's allowed ANY TV. He can then watch up to two shows.)

Snacks are another thing I have figured out policies for. After lunch he can choose cheese, nuts, or fruits/veggies for snacks, but after 4pm he can only choose fruits/veggies. I've also read of people keeping a snack drawer in the fridge and the child is allowed to pick two or three or unlimited things a day of their choosing out of the drawer. If they've eaten all their yogurts, however, it isn't getting refilled until next Saturday (or whenever).

Honestly, being predictable in as many ways as possible is very, very helpful for kids. If you can find them in the library, I'd also recommend looking through the books How to Listen So Kids Will Talk and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Simplicity Parenting. They have both really helped shape my parenting.

it sounds like she's lost interest in you, and the best thing to do is to move on, ie: stop contacting her. sux, I know.

learning how to build good relationships and how to read the situation comes with time & experience (I also knew nothing at 18), but there are books that can upgrade your best practices. one good one (by a woman who I believe is now divorced & remarried a half-dozen times) is "Are you the one for me?". let Barbara deAngelis teach you as you read between the lines from her many, many experiences =)

http://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757

As someone who's been cheated on before...

Yes, tell her. The absolute worst thing is for her to find out on her own.

After you tell her, she's the boss. Whatever she needs, you do. She wants to go to therapy twice/week? You're happy to go. She wants your e-mail password? Give it to her. You broke her trust, now face the consequences. If you can't deal with that, then leave her, but she's the victim and she's entitled to whatever she needs from you in rebuilding trust if you want this relationship to work.

I highly recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's great because it talks through all of the feelings and emotions surrounding infidelity, and it does so in a nonjudgmental, non-shaming manner.

I also highly recommend therapy.

I've been cheated on, found out on my own, gave my wife a second (and third...) chance and have regretted it. I doubt my wife has ended her affair(s) and am just waiting for the next discovery to do what I should have done the first time.

That being said, here are some things I suggest doing:

0) Both you and your boyfriend should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It deals with these things much better than any redditor (probably).

1. Be completely honest about the situation and any others. Bring them to light yourself. Were there any other guys? Give as much informative detail as possible (barring things like sexual positions). You said it was off and on, so let him know when it was off and when it was on. Right now he's trying to put the pieces of his life back together, trying to figure out the timeline of events. Every thing you two have done will be filtered through this "What was she doing with him at that time?" train of thought. The more you disclose about what you did and when, the less questions he will hopefully have about what you are doing now that you say it's over.
   
   Also, if he agrees to stay with you then you can count on anything you had tried to hide being found out. Better to risk hurting him now and showing your honesty than to keep it covered until he finds out and thinks you're still cheating on him. Trust me, he will find out your secrets. The kind of jealousy you have instilled in him breeds fervent ingenuity.
   
   
2. From now on, be completely transparent with him with your daily activities, especially if you two remain living together. Those 5 extra minutes it takes for you to get home because of traffic? Five minutes he thinks you're using to sneak out with this guy or someone else. If you're going out somewhere without him (which I highly recommend against), let him know where you're going, at what time, who you're going with, and what you're doing there. Every time you leave the house without him, his first thought will always be that you're meeting up with the guy you cheated on him with. But the more you tell him about what you're leaving the house to do, the more rational thoughts he has to strike that voice down. Make sure he knows your friends. Introduce him to them. Expect every guy to be considered as a potential affair partner and every girl to be a secret keeper/accomplice.
   
   Keep proof of where you went, like dated receipts or credit card charges. Proving that you're not doing something is damn near impossible, but proving that you were doing something else entirely (and therefore incapable of cheating at that time) is much easier.
   
   
3. EXPLICITLY end all contact with the guy you had an affair with, and include your boyfriend in the process. If it's through email/letter, have your boyfriend there when you write it. If it's a phone call, let your boyfriend listen in. Inform you boyfriend of any replies (though I would be against replying back to him after saying it's over), as well as any time he tries to make contact with you after it's ended. Feel threatened by your affair partner? File a restraining order and put your boyfriend's name on it too.
   
   
4. Don't hide shit. Don't keep secrets, even if it's little things. He'll be rigorously looking for signs from you that you're hiding things, with the assumption being that the things you're hiding involve a continuing or another affair. If you two stay together you need to open up to your boyfriend as much as you can, much more than you did before the affair started. If you require separate, personal space in a relationship then you're best finding someone else to be with. Any push for independence is like pushing your boyfriend away and will be considered in parallel to the fact that you were willing to go behind his back for 3 years anyway.
   
   
   Is it possible to forgive something like this? If your boyfriend is a saint. Forgiveness takes a hell of a long time, much more than just deciding to remain together I'll say.
   
   Can your relationship be saved? Odds are slim but still possible. Is it worth the effort? Probably not. Everything I've suggested is from a marital standpoint, in situations where people have usually invested a whole lot more than what goes into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I don't know if the things I've suggested will work since my wife didn't do any of these, but they are things I definitely would have wanted her to do, and would have made things a lot easier.

>how was your day?

Is there a way you could get a connection by talking about something else? Like maybe planning the upcoming weekend, or joint hobbies/projects, or books/movies/YouTube videos/dupes on /r/funny, or the weather, or ants, ants with lasers, etc.? What kind of job does he have?
Astronaut? Or a normal job? 'Cause I don't want to talk about my day at work. It is boring and stupid and I only do it for the money. It is bad enough that I had to live it, and I have no desire to rehash it. Especially cause I don't want to be complaining about it day after day after day after day. Do you like to read books (or audio books)? I'd recommend the 5 Love Languages, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there is something that he could talk about, that would meet your needs for connection. But maybe it is not about his day.

Edit: ...and now reading down thread further, I see you've read the 5 Love Languages book. How about the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book? Sorry for your troubles, hope it gets better.

Did you recently have a baby? If so, you might be interested in this book: And Baby Makes Three. It's focus is on preserving your marriage before and after the shit hits the fan when baby comes along (and how do baby launch their poo so far in the first place?!).

A good friend of ours recommended this when we were pregnant with our first. The principles Gottman and his wife lay down in that book have been essential to keeping our marriage intact at times.

There's also, more generally speaking, Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I haven't read this one yet, but it's apparently a more in-depth and general treatment of the principles that have helped us from the And Baby Makes Three book.

You might consider picking up one of those and either reading it on your own and working to apply it yourself or, ideally, working through it with your spouse and see if putting their suggestions into practice can help. It's cheaper than professional counseling, at least, though I don't want to discourage you from going that route if you feel you need it.

Regardless, I'll remember you in my prayers!

I have a few ideas.

Read 123 Magic. It has helped immensely with my twin toddlers. You really need to get everyone in the house on board with discipline /rules. Your kid is learning that if she tantrums hard enough someone in the house will cave and she will get her way. If the answer to tablet usable is no, and your child throws a fit, you count, 1, then pause a few moments for compliance, 2 then pause, a finally 3. If they haven't calmed down after 3 opportunities , they get an age appropriate time out (~1 min per year of age). Leave emotion out, no reasoning or lengthy explanations. After the timeout give a hug and maybe a quick talk" No hitting, Okay".

Eating vegetables. My kids always seemed to like vegetables but we do involve them in the cooking process. Maybe have her help clean/prepare/cook some green beans. Cooking is a very engaging activity for our boys, talk about heat/cold/hot, raw/cooked, cookware, have them help flip/mix in the pan, add seasoning. Once they have helped make the food they are more interested in trying the food. Also having them add a little pinch of salt, or some pepper form a pepper mill, helps pique their interest.

My kids go to bed at 7:30pm and wake at 6:10am. It was a long and hard fight to get them sleeping like angels but it was mostly just not giving in to their tantrums. If it means leaving a party early to make that bedtime, so be it. If you gradually move her bed time earlier, your mom/sister/fiance will have more time to watch TV /internet/whatever with their guards down.

We let our twins watch TV and use their tablets, but we had to get more strict with their use. They used to be able to watch one episode of a cartoon before preschool in the morning, and maybe another after dinner. That has turned into no youtube/TV/tablets on M-F, Saturday they can do whatever they like, Sunday is a weaning from electronics day, maybe a cartoon or two in the morning. Viewing was getting out of hand needed to be reined in.

You need to get your mom/sister to stop letting her have way, it totally undermines you and your fiance.

>But yesterday she dropped one tiny piece of snack on the floor and I kept going (she was in her stroller)

My kids will do this sometimes. It's the end of the world when a whole cracker is now two! If it happens I generally will help them right what's wrong. With the cracker I would acknowledge their frustration/disappointment and would show them that eating the "broken" piece fixes the two cracker issue. In your case I would have circled back and helped look for the missing snack, you could make a game of it, "IS that the snack" pointing at something obviously not the snack, repeat until they no longer remember why they are upset.

Good luck.

• Difficult Conversations https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters-ebook/dp/B004CR6ALA/
  
  
• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/
  
  Ok neither are teaching books, but you know teaching and career is about relationships, and strong positive relationships need good communication. Both books go beyond simple tricks or tactics and have some solid foundational ideas. They sound like fluffy mushy books but I didn't find them to be so (I'm not into fluffy mushy stuff).

I would physically hold her still, by the shoulders or holding her arms to her sides and not let her go until she had heard the entire request and repeated it back. Ideally, you would only need to do this for the first couple of weeks and then you can ease up.

It sounds like perhaps 1-2-3 Magic might work for her. Implement the counting and a clear consequence. "Every one else at the table is finished. The table will be cleared in 5 minutes and dinner will be over. Whatever is left on your plate will be put up and you can eat it at [next mealtime]. I suggest you swallow that bite and eat some more before we are finished for this meal." Set a timer. Follow through. Or, "You have until the count of 3 to buckle your seat belt or daddy is going to do it for you. If he has to you will be sitting out the birthday party/staying on the bench with me at the park/riding in the cart instead of walking at the store like a big girl." Ideally she will figure it out eventually, especially if you can figure out what motivates her. There has to be something. Have frequent conversations with her, "You know, if you just did X when we asked you would get to Y instead of having to endure punishment Z." Both when she is in the midst of a consequence and when she is being well behaved. Get her to start thinking critically about her behavior.

Is she seeing someone related to the ADHD diagnosis? A therapist or counselor might be able to help her connect the dots between what is acceptable behavior and what is not and how her behavior affects others.

I mean things that allow her to hit her lowest point Something that helps her wake up to the fact that her actions have serious consequences to herself and the people she loves. Usually that means some form of tough love. Take a look at the link for specific examples.

With her background, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot of really heavy stuff. Has she seen a therapist to help her work through all of her emotions?

I'd also recommend this book about mother/daughter relationships

First: you need to talk to him and his doctor. Psychiatrists like having feedback from loved ones because they often notice things about us better than we do.

Start with this book. It will help you feel better and understand him, plus if you put the work in first it will be easier to ask him to do the same (and possibly read that or another book to help him).

Some stuff to keep in mind in the meantime:

• You are not alone in this. Lots of couples experience similar problems.
  
• He may not realize what he's doing--many days we spend all of our cognitive energy merely existing and it sounds like things are crazy enough that he may just be out of energy/willpower and physically unable to process how it affects you
  
• This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, because:
  
• With ADHD, intentions do not always translate to actions

"I'm lonely whenever you're around" is the chorus of a song that I love. Whenever this song starts playing in my head, I know that I have to encourage conversation with my partner. Listen to the lyrics. It's such a powerful song that might resonate with what you're feeling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S1-or1f-lY

The book, Communication Miracles For Couples was great for me to read. I read it with my partner so that we could both participate in improving our communication.

https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Miracles-Couples-Effective-Conflict/dp/1573245836

Maybe it is a good explanation for his behavior. Excuse? Nope. In fact, it’s all the more reason to run... Untreated mental health issues do not make for a good partner. Even if you were married, that would be a poor reason to try to “fix” it but you are lucky and getting these red flags before you are married or have kids (? I hope?) which will further complicate it. The more time you are with him, the more investment there is, and it only gets harder to leave.

The other thing that makes it hard is that you likely know all the softer, sweet, or funny parts of him, and it makes it hard to reconcile the behavior with those other qualities and contribute to second-guessing yourself. Most people are not 100% good or bad. In this case, The thing the bad behavior and/or traits overshadow the good there is.

I speak from experience... I actually married my guy like that. Then had a kid. And 21 years in, I had to go.

Think about that. Think about the next 20 years of your life peppered with dramas and inconvenience and pain like you had when he abandoned you on the side of the road.

Leaving was the single hardest thing I’ve chosen to do in my adult life, and I honestly did not think I would make it — emotionally. For years I thought that I just needed to understand him better and was handling things poorly. 🙄 I finally figured out that he did what he did because of HIM, not me. As soon as I was out for the tiniest bit of time, I couldn’t believe I had stayed so long, and I felt as if I had come out from under some sort of fairytale spell! Lol

SORRY this is so long. Tl:dr = go go go!! Lol

I read this book back then and found it really helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55856820437&hvadid=274690941339&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9026804&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t2&hvqmt=e&hvrand=13362815725935575986&hvtargid=kwd-302114484417&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1555296543&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.

FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple

You are looking at this through a lens of there's clues all over but since no proof more than kissing was involved, it didn't happen.

The BS notices she was acting odd, spending a lot more time after work with some guy co-workers, hiding her phone that now has a password, on her phone a lot more in private, more distant, having to work on some Saturdays, more into personal grooming, works out a lot more, she buys fancy underwear for work.

A combo of those things then the bomb drops about "It was just a kiss. I had a few too many. She's just a friend. You're being paranoid."

Tip: Do not ignore the lessons of these sub readers. They are the ones to say "Trust your gut" early on. Don't ignore odd behavior. They did and got burned.

Dad here. I suggest you do it. Let go of your concerns for his disregard of the schedule, let go of the reigns, and also let go of your worries, and anger towards him, and forget about the baby for a short time. Have a baby vacation. Go away on a weekend trip with your friends or something. If your baby takes a bottle, of course; maybe you'll have to wait a little if the baby is super young.

Your husband will learn that your days home with the baby aren't free time, and he will also hopefully learn that you trust him. He will learn to care for the baby if he absolutely has to one day. And you will hopefully learn to trust him, and that the baby will survive a day without you. Your marriage will hopefully be stronger for it.

I'm lucky enough (judging by the comments here about the cost of daycare) to live in a country where new parents get a year of paid leave. My wife took the first 8 months, and she was crazy by the end of it. I don't think I ever thought she had it extremely easy, but the four months I stayed home with the baby after that were eye-opening. It was so much work. And I became a proper co-parent. Of course four months is a long time that's not feasible for most people, and I had the time to make my own schedule, but a weekend or so will likely open his eyes too.

I also recommend this book (or similar ones, there are probably others like it): https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

Excellent idea! Here are some resources that have been especially useful to me.

Books

Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion

Practically Shameless: How Shadow Work Helped Me Find My Voice, My Path, and My Inner Gold

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Experiential Programs
These two programs are similar in scope. They provide a supportive, accepting environment to help heal old wounds, break out of patterns that no longer serve you and find empowerment. I have both taken and staffed the Woman Within training weekend and so can personally recommend it as a valuable resource for ACONs.

Woman Within International

*The ManKind Project

There is a fantastic book https://www.amazon.fr/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 take what you want from it but there are great advices about these issues which are normal ! All the best