(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best health, fitness & dieting books

General advice:
You are what you make of yourself. Study hard (but within reason - have time for socializing/relaxing), exercise, eat right. Acknowledge criticism from those you respect. Almost everything is matter of priority and the effort you are willing to put in: grades, popularity, sex, etc

On being popular:
It's overrated and very hard to predict (other than being physically attractive has a high positive correlation; exercise and diet rear their heads again). Aim for not being picked while having a core group of genuine friends and being, if not friendly, at least on speaking terms with people in your classes. Humor is good but only as long as it is mainstream.
Edited for formatting and size

On Grades:
Spend a few months figuring out what you learn easily and what takes time. Find out what study habits work best for you. Experiment with this until you have a sustainable study habit which maximized learning while minimizing time spent. If a topic refuses to stick, talk to the teacher or someone other Adult Authority Figure^(TM) and explain in non-whining manner that despite your best efforts you need help with it. Double the amount of time you think it will take you to write a paper.

On Health and Sports:
Your teenage years are the best to get into an exercise habit. Take care of your body for a few reasons. It's the only one you have, it'll extend your life, you'll never have more free time to devote to setting a baseline of percent body fat, and it'll help attract someone for the next section. Decide on the type of body you want now instead of pining for it later. The body type portrayed in the media as hot or attractive is a mix of a swimmer and a soccer/lacrosse player. If you are not tall (</=5'5") consider a wrestling build. Exercise doesn't necessarily mean sports but they go hand in hand. I recommend team sports as they include socializing, teamwork, and may get you invited to parties (the two main sources of parties, in my experience, are sports teams and the drama club/theater people).

On dating and sex:
It'll happen or it won't, the former mostly depending on you and the latter depending on you and (at least) another person. Everything in this section should be taken with a large serving of YMMV and "it's complicated, these are broad generalizations." Oh, I'm assuming male heteronormity; if you're female or gay then let me offer my support and well wishes because you're going to have it very rough though for different reasons that would take an entire other post to address. First, never assume a girl is into you because she's being friendly. Teenage body language is very unreliable both in projecting and reading because of hormones so don't rely on that. Words, however awkward, are more reliable. Always be respectful and courteous and hope for the best.
Second, the main problem is having the stones to ask someone out in the first place especially because isolating a girl in high school is nigh impossible so you'll be asking in front of other girls. Having the courage to ask is 80% and being apathetic enough to not be an emotional mess if she turns you down in public is the other 20%. If you get hit hard by it, bury it until you get home, and then let the emotions out and put it behind you. When you do ask, ask if they'd like to do some activity you two have in common; preferably in a semipublic place she'd feel comfortable (a local coffeehouse, rock climbing gym, skate park, etc).

The a couple of times you two do something like this, assume it is as friends. After that you need to directly state something along the lines of, "Hey, I really enjoy hanging out with you. Would it be okay if I came over sometime or you came to my place and made you dinner, you know like a date?" The best result would be your place as then you could attempt to sell the evening as a night of the house to your parent(s). In a conversation before the night in question mention to the girl that your parent(s) won't be there and give her the opportunity to back out. Practice making whatever you plan on making (something simple that you know she likes would be best).

Plan the evening being dinner and watching a movie on the couch. Either sit down first and let her choose where she sits or sit about a handspan away from her with room for her to move away or get closer. Stay relaxed and let the night progress as it will. At some point, if she cuddles in, take a minute or two to just stare at her face. Wait until she notices and looks at you. Say the most romantic thing possible in the situation, "You're beautiful; may I kiss you?" Asking permission to kiss both bold in its directness, gives an immediate answer of if she's into you, and is (so I've been told) extremely potent to a teenage girl. Take the first kiss slow and easy, stay relaxed, keep your eyes open, and for her sake, be gentle and don't slobber.
Sex (in all its permutations) is tricky. The most basic piece of advice I can give is: you have no right to it but it is a blessing if you get it. Read the wikipedia entry on rape culture and think about the shear Punisher levels of violence you would visit upon the shit-stained syphilitic cyst effluvient if they raped the most beloved female figure in your life.

Feeling a little off or violent? Good. Now think about coming home after a really bad day to a warm cookie and a glass of cold milk. Internalize that warm fuzziness of a good deed towards you; not the cookie or milk, but that someone cared for you enough to make the cookies and pour the milk. Magnify that by a ridiculously large number. Larger. Larger. That is the feeling you get when a girl asks you to be her partner in having sex.
The key is that she wants to have sex in the first place. The best you can do to reach that scenario is be the person she can invest in emotionally and trust enough to feel comfortable with at her most vulnerable.
That being said, you can stack the deck in your favor, and here is where things get kind of... skeazy. Learn how to arouse a women during the course of making out. The human body is a finely tuned machine and knowing the user's manual helps. Read up on erogenous zones (especially the ones not located at the chest and crotch so you have places to put your hands while kissing), massage techniques, and other clothes-on no-penetration methods of causing arousal. Learn the signs of female arousal: increased heart rate, flushing of the face and upper chest, and sometimes slight tremors of the arms and legs. If you can achieve that from kissing and petting then you ask the second most physically romantic question a guy ask:

"Would it be alright if I helped you orgasm?" Again, bold in its directness, gives her a clear opportunity to stop where things are, and places the power in her hands while stating that you aren't giving her an orgasm like a gift but helping her achieve something as a partner. At this point, instead of graphic advice on digital and oral sex I'll point you in the direction of The Four Hour Body. Find a copy at your local chain bookstore (or library if you're lucky) and read the chapters 'The 15-Minute Female Orgasm-Part Un' and 'The 15-Minute Female Orgasm-Part Deux' (and don't just go, "Hur hur, naughty bits," be clinical in your education and passionate in your application).
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take any hints on sexual performance from porn as odds are you aren't watching the right type. Never ask her to perform a sexual service to you unless she has already done so at least twice by her own design.

If you're lucky, after showing you are trustworthy, kind, compassionate, and capable of facilitating her please, at some point she may inform you that she wants/think she is ready for sex. Don't immedietely run for the condoms. Hug her, kiss her, and say your honored and ask if she is sure. Assuming she says yes, set up when. If she informs you by locking her door,

EDIT: Had some time to A. Wake up, and B. Get my shit organized.

So my first recommendation is to read these 3 books.

http://www.amazon.com/Relax-Its-Just-God-Religious/dp/1941932002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452781395&sr=8-1&keywords=relax+it%27s+just+god

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=pd_sim_14_5?ie=UTF8&dpID=41mSJWJjhCL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR104%2C160_&refRID=136KZ8YRX0P0CY93EJGA

http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Reality-Dawkins-Richard-Hardcover/dp/B011SKFWNK/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1452781427&sr=1-2

These are all geared more towards the parents, but it sounds like that will be just as beneficial to you. I've worried about the same exact stuff you're worried about ever since my wife told me she was pregnant. These books have been a fantastic resource. The first 2 help you prepare for the inevitable questions (which it sounds like you're already getting) children ask in regards to our origins. There's nothing I can say here that will really improve upon what's contained in these books, so my #1 suggestion is to just pick them up and read them. "Relax, It's Just God" Is a quick read, so I'd probably start there.

I'll just say, for anyone that hasn't read them, or doesn't intend to, the most important thing I took from these books is this:

Please don't shield your children from religion. It's played an incredibly important role in the founding of civilization, and it continues to be a dominant force in society (particularly if you're in the US). By shielding your children from all things religion, they will have no defense against it when they are inevitably confronted with it. To a child, the easy answers and flimsy logic of religious dogma can seem persuasive. By refusing to talk about it, or not engaging them honestly in discussions about it, you're essentially sending them out into the world unarmed.

Now, once you've sort of amassed this collection of tips and strategies for talking about it with them, you need to build an understanding of the concepts that ACTUALLY govern our world. There's a lot of great resources out there nowadays that introduce complex things in a very approachable way. If your children are on the younger side, I'd recommend these books:

http://www.amazon.com/I-Wonder-Annaka-Harris/dp/1940051045/ref=pd_sim_sbs_14_5?ie=UTF8&dpID=51Xa9vh-4mL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=13A7B660SHNYNWGNRS9J

http://www.amazon.com/Our-Family-Tree-Evolution-Story/dp/0152017720/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=12ZKCH4ZP41R11J3AQC3

http://www.amazon.com/Older-than-The-Stars-Karen/dp/1570917884/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1NTGW8B5FNWYGW2MDDGP

I buy these 3 for every single one of our friends that has a child (provided I'm cognizant of their beliefs, wouldn't want to step on any toes)

I think one of the things religion has going for itself, that science and reason kind of lag behind in, is instilling a sense of wonder in people. It's easy for adults to marvel at things like quasars, black holes, the process of DNA replication, etc., etc., but it's a bit harder to instill that sense of wonder in kids without getting into some really dry science. That's why religion (in my opinion) is still so successful, it offers easy answers to really difficult questions, and doesn't really require you to think too hard on it. "I'm scared of dying" is easily answered by "Well don't worry, God loves you and will bring you to heaven with him."

There's also some great videos on youtube I'd recommend (though they vary a bit in regards to age appropriateness):

https://www.youtube.com/user/sciencestatedclearly (evolution)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rHUDWjR5gg&list=PL8dPuuaLjXtPAJr1ysd5yGIyiSFuh0mIL (Astronomy)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X56fBK1JlY&list=PLsmqeqKj7M-rZe1C9PUon8V-VQ1tZj5NF (evolution)


Kids, even very young kids, are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Knowledge of the way the world actually works is the best insulator against religious dogma, so give them as much as they can handle. When that kid at school tells them God created everything, instill values in your child that will lead them to ask "why" instead of just accepting that at face value. And if your child comes home and says, "Jimmy said god created the world" you can respond with, "Well yes, that's what Christianity says, do you know what Islam says? Hinduism? What about the Greek Myths, those are pretty cool huh? Most civilizations have a story about how everything got started, but none of them really agree with one another, and we've never been able to prove it. Scientifically we have a pretty good idea, but there's a few things we don't know yet, and that's perfectly fine. It's ok to say 'I don't know' when it comes to big complicated stuff like this. Let's see if we can't find out more! (insert books/videos/research here)"

My son is barely a month old, so I'm a ways off from a lot of these conversations, but I'm doing my best to prepare myself. I hope to teach him how to tell whether a source is reliable or not, how to be skeptical (particularly of those in power) and how to think critically, and not stop digging just because the answer he arrives at makes him feel better. Luckily, there's a plethora of information out there nowadays from secular sources that is geared towards people like you and me and our non-religious offspring.


EDIT: The other book I will recommend that's not a parenting book and isn't geared towards kids is "Your inner fish". There is a series of youtube videos based of the book if you prefer that. Basically, it makes evolution really cool, and in a way that (in my opinion) you can tell your children about easily. Things like why our skin is the way it is, why we look the way we do, etc. All stuff kids will probably ask.

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

Oh man do I get you. I've been there/am there and there's great news for you. There's so much you need to hear that will help. I don't have a ton of time and a lot of this you will learn on your own with time so I'm just gonna run though the highlights.

1)You think you need to be somebody else. You're not that person, stop living up to expectations that don't define your reality. Be who you are, not who you think you are. Your thoughts and judgments about who you ought to be are real but they are not reality. In other words. focus on what is and not what you think it should be. That's a recipe for constant struggle throughout your life. I'm 33 and still struggle like you with many of the same issues. It's a good sign that you've caught it this early. Be patient with yourself. Don't love the person you want to be. Love who you are. Be a good friend to yourself and accept that you're not perfect.

Watch this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYlCVwxoL_g

2)Your parents love you. But you don't love them in the same way. It never will be. You can't comprehend the lives they lived before you came along and what it meant to them for you to be in their lives. It's an unequal relationship. It's a pay it forward system. You can appreciate them and show them how much it means to you, but you won't really understand until you have children. One day you will pass that kindness and guidance on to someone else, and they won't return it to you either at least until they are old enough to understand (which tends to be far into adulthood). Be grateful for them, but realize that you are not them. You are not what they want you to be, or even what you want you to be. You are you. Be you. Warts and all.

3)You are procrastinating because you realize subconsciously that you don't have the attention span or the desire to open that can of worms and sort it all out at that moment so you push it till later. It's normal, and lots of people do it because its easier to see the path than to walk the path. You see the route you need to take but you aren't doing anything about it because you are mistaking your intelligence for understanding. Always choose the harder path. Your ability to suffer through the things that you want to do despite them being difficult or uncomfortable will be the single greatest skill you ever learn. Hard work always beat talent when talent doesn't work hard. You are smart enough to see this problem, that most people never even notice. But you haven't learned self discipline yet. It takes years of study and practice. Sometimes it takes lifetimes. Settle in for the long haul. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient with yourself. The only way out, is through. And the only way to make progress is one step at a time.

Read these The Most Important Question of your Life. https://markmanson.net/question

Procrastination https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

How to beat procrastination https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html

4)You need to be honest with yourself. You don't know anything about yourself. Like seriously. You know NOTHING compared to what you are going to learn in the next 20 years. How could you? You've only just started being self aware a few years ago. You are just starting your path and that is the most wonderful place to be because you get to make mistakes and learn. You try to fail you learn. The difference between the master and the novice is that the master has failed more times than the novice has ever tried. You write as though you've been failing for years. Stop kidding yourself. You don't yet realize how far you are going to go on your journey. All that failure is learning. Be happy for failure. It teaches you WAY more than success ever will. All that failure is so good for you, but you push it away because it feels uncomfortable, because you don't LIKE it. What I'm saying here is you need perspective. You should realign how your looking at this problem. You are on the path little brother. You're already doing what you need to do, relax. Give it lots of time and fill your life with wondrous experiences and you will start to see that this problem you are having is just part of the journey. It's necessary. Learn to love the struggle. Learn to love the fight and not the victory. Your perspective will color your whole mindset about the problem. You seem so worried about fixing the problem, about being better, about acting how you think you SHOULD, but all of that is focusing on the FUTURE! None of that is going to help you get there, focus on what you are doing now and you will be able to get there. Just looking at your destination on the map doesn't help you get there. Take a step. Then another. Repeat. Keep your focus on the step you are taking. Chip away at it. You'll get there.

5) You should seriously consider going to therapy. It's super helpful. They aren't there to fix you. They are there to help you fix you. To be a mirror for you to bounce ideas off of and their job is to reflect what you are doing and saying and show it back to you so you can SEE yourself from the outside (a little bit). They aren't your friend or your parent. They are impartial. They don't care. And that lets them tell you the truth about you. It's seriously one of the best steps you can take for this kind of problem. But remember, they can't do it for you. You have to do the work. Going to therapy doesn't help if you don't take it seriously. It's an active step towards helping yourself.

6) Consider for a moment, that you might be wrong a bit about your depression. You might not be far into it but this struggle is really common for people with depression. In fact it's even more common in people with ADHD, which often leads to depression. Fuck what everyone on the internet and tv says about it. Read for yourself and decide for yourself if the dots line up. I was 27 before I realized I had ADD. It's crazy how you can go your whole life looking through life with tinted glassed and not realize you were wearing them the whole time. Depression is like that too. You don't even realize you've got it until you do some reading. Learning about it will help you deal with it, prevent it, manage it.

Watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o

Read the book Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell M.D. and John J. Ratey M.D..
https://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152

It's the book that blew the doors open about the subject in the 90's and showed how prolific is really is. Both authors are doctors who have ADHD. This book changed my life. I had no idea how much I needed it. Even if you don't have ADD this book will help you understand tons of behaviors like procrastination and many of the feelings you described. It's cheap you can get a used copy for like 4 bucks. You may not think it's for you, but in my opinion, I see many of the same feelings and thoughts in your post that I had before I knew what my struggle was.



Final thoughts. You are alive. Enjoy it. Don't let this shit get to you. It's not important. You're only real responsibility in this world is to exist. You don't have to understand it. In the long run everybody's gonna die and eventually the whole planet will be swallowed by the sun. There isn't a great purpose or task of life. The purpose of life is to live. Like dancing. You don't pick a spot on the floor and say you're going to end up there. You just do it. You do it just to do it. Just wiggling because it feels good. Reveling in the fact that your alive. Celebrating for the shear joy of movement, vibrancy and life. There is no purpose. You are free. You are already holding the jewel in your hand. All you have to do is realize it. It's a choice. Happiness is a choice. Love is a choice. Love yourself. Be happy.

Peace


Edit:: If I took all this time to write this to you, then you should take the time to read the readings and videos I sent. Decide right now. I'm going to do these things. Do it now. If you can't do it now, then right now take out your calendar and schedule a time to examine these resources. That's the last thing I forgot to tell you. SCHEDULE YOUR LIFE!!!! IT HELPS SO MUCH! TIME MANAGEMENT IS SUPER IMPORTANT!!!

Time Management from a person with terminal cancer : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0

No problem on the stalking, haha.

Those are good questions about lifting. I've also done a lot of googling on the topic and come away frustrated. I started about 3.5 years ago, and I train mostly for strength. Overall, I think it's been a good thing for my scoliosis. It can be frustrating - lifting is harder when you don't have a straight spine supporting the weight. I've been able to get decently strong and continue to make progress, though (495x1 deadlift, 335x5 squat, and 210ish bench). All my lifts continue to go up each week, although I have had injuries and tweaks along the way. I can't say if it's due to my scoliosis or not, so I just deal with them and keep training.

I think the way scoliosis will impact lifting will be a little different for everyone since everyone's curves are unique. For the most part, I can perform the lifts with minimal modifications. Bench is hard for me because my right shoulder comes out at a weight angle due to my thoracic curve, but I'm still able to get stronger.

I think lifting has made my curves less noticeable, but it's really hard to say. Ultimately, a body with muscle on it is going to look better than one without, and being stronger is going to be better than being weaker. I do struggle with body image issues with the scoliosis from time to time, and lifting has been very helpful for that. I have a lot more confidence, both from having muscle and from knowing that I'm stronger than most other guys walking around on the street.

Are you familiar with the Starting Strength program? I would highly recommend that program. It's a basic barbell program, and it's the most effective way to get stronger. There's a large community on the starting strength forums, which is a great place to ask for advice and post form checks. There are a lot of things grouped under "Starting Strength": "the program" I just mentioned, the methods of executing the lifts, weekend seminars put on by Mark Rippetoe, a coaching certification, an app, an online coaching service, and a series of books. Sometimes starting strength gets flack from bros online, but I would ignore that. Just go to the forums and look at people's training logs - you'll see some big numbers achieved relatively quickly.

The 2 big things for success in the gym are proper form and adhering to a program without giving up or adding stuff to it. For form, the best thing you can do is find an "SSC" (Starting Strength Coach) near you and schedule a training session. They'll teach you how to perform the lifts safely in accordance with the SS model, along with any modifications you might need to make due to your scoliosis. For example, with a lumbar curve, you may have an effective leg length discrepancy and need to shim one of your shoes. They'll be able to tell you that. They'll also be able to help you get started on the novice program.

To find a coach, you can look here: http://startingstrength.org/index.php/site/coaches

Rippetoe himself also puts on seminars, which I mentioned, which you can find a list of here: http://startingstrength.com/coaching/seminars

I also mentioned the starting strength books. The first one to read is "Starting Strength: Basic Barbell Training" (abbreviated as SSBBT). You can get it on amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738. This book covers how to perform the lifts, and briefly talks about the novice program toward the end. The book is very dense, and I wouldn't recommend reading it cover to cover at first. I'd read the "how to" parts for each lift first, then go back and fill in the blanks.

The next book is "Practical Programming for Strength Training" (https://www.amazon.com/Practical-Programming-Strength-Training-Rippetoe/dp/0982522754). This covers how to structure a training program. It goes into more detail on the novice program, then lays out different types of intermediate and advanced programming. This one isn't as essential to order right away - you can find the general novice program here: https://www.t-nation.com/training/most-lifters-are-still-beginners (scroll down to "The Program").

I guess that was a long response. Hopefully this info is helpful for you or anyone in the future who might find this thread. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Depending on your location, I may be able to recommend a coach or gym. I wish I knew all of this when I was your age, so don't hesitate to get in touch.

As far as improving your headgame goes, leading easy but long runouts is super helpful, as well as falling onto (well-placed) gear. Alpine multipitch is an admirable goal, but it is a far cry from what most people think of as trad climbing. You should be confident on long runouts, with potential no-fall zones. There are a lot of skills that are important for alpine climbing that often are not learned in a typical trad climbing mentor relationship, such as self-rescue, alpine route finding, and depending on your goals, snow climbing skills. There are several ways to learn these skills such as books or hiring a guide. Ultimately, your safety is much more dependent on yourself when alpine climbing. I say this not to scare you away from alpine climbing, as it has been responsible for some of the most amazing memories I have, but it has also been responsible for some of the scariest.

Some books that you might find beneficial:

Climbing Self-Rescue - Just what it says in the title.

Vertical Mind - I found this book useful for improving my head space.

Training for the New Alpinism - Probably the best book to help a climber transition into the backcountry.

[Mountaineering: The Freedom of the Hills] (https://www.amazon.com/Mountaineering-Freedom-Hills-Mountaineers/dp/1680510045/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=freedom+of+the+hills&qid=1562736585&s=gateway&sr=8-1) - This book is excellent, but probably isn't extremely helpful until you are climbing more serious alpine routes.

As far as advice, just get as much mileage on lead outdoors as you can, with 1-2 indoor bouldering sessions per week. If it doesn't impact your bouldering, you could add a couple strength sessions as well. If you want to get into alpine climbing, or even just multipitch climbing, practice your systems at the top of single pitch routes. Belay your partner from the top, practice building an anchor at the top off of the bolts, set up simple pulley systems. Just spending 15 minutes per session will help you get muscle memory down for when it really matters.

Edit: As you get into more alpine climbing, you should increase the strength training and cardio. Climbing efficiently after four hours walking with a pack full of gear and food is harder than it sounds. Increasing your physical strength will reduce the mental load a lot, allowing you to think more clearly and be more confident.

I see you haven't gotten much traction here, so I'll just share with you a little of my knowledge and experience. I was not an AST, but I know several extremely fit people who didn't make it. I can't give you a plan, but I'll share what I've heard. I was honor graduate of my boot camp company, meaning I had the best overall average in everything, including fitness tests (I think, they never said exactly how it was calculated, but I did very well in everything). I also have trained for rock climbing and mountaineering, so I have some basic knowledge of serious training regimes.

First what I know: boot camp is easy. If you do a modicum of training before hand you'll be just fine. I assume if you have aspirations to go AST, you consider yourself to be pretty fit to begin with. The PT requirements are all available online or from your recruiter. Make sure you can do all those with ease (of you come in moderately fit, they'll get you up to the minimum, but you're not shooting for the minimum given your aspirations). To go above and beyond, you'll be doing flutter kicks (with heavy boots), squats (not weighted except maybe a pack and rifle), crunches, push ups, swimming, and stationary bike. The first 4 you will do every day, any time the CCs want to. You'll also do a lot applied isometric exercises: holding your helmsman or canteen straight armed out in front of you, sitting while aiming your rifle unsupported (no elbows on knees) for seriously long times, upwards of half an hour (although I don't know exactly how long, but it felt like an eternity). I admire your dedication if you train for that type of thing beforehand, it would be exceedingly tedious.

AST: From what I understand, you basically have a full time job in the pool for the first 8 weeks of AST school. I'm not sure there is a practical way to adequately train for that, unless you have the time (6-8 hours a day), a pool/ocean, and people willing to wrestle you in the pool all day. But obviously get in the pool or ocean or lake as much as you can and completely exhaust yourself. Start slow, but keep building up intensity and duration. Take up full body training, cardio endurance, strength, power. You generally want to start a serious training cycle with a long base training in endurance--so swimming for hours, running, cycling, rowing, whatever. Then add strength--hit the weight room or however your strength train, focus on muscles you need in the water. Finally add power--high intensity interval training, hills. Keep training endurance throughout, but you can taper off a bit.

Whether or not any of that makes sense to you, go to a bookstore and look through the sports training section. Find training manuals for anything that you think might apply. I doubt there is a CG AST training manual, but there might be a Navy SEAL one or similar. Swimming would help. I learned a lot from this book about how the human body responds to training and how to craft a training plan. It's written for mountaineers, but a lot of the principles could be applied to anything. In case you're wondering, mountaineering is extremely physically taxing in ways similar to something like AST school: pushing your body to near physical limit--heavy pack marching up steep slopes with less air than usual--for 8-10-12 hours, then you wake up and do it again, and again, and again. Not saying you need to buy this book, but take a look at the table of contents to see how it's structured, I would recommend any book that has a similar structure or addresses the same types of concepts.

There's a lot to take in--that's why people write entire books on the stuff. Again, boot is easy, but if you want to go AST, you need to start training like an AST now. If you're not willing to put in that kind of dedication, I would guess your chances for success at AST school are pretty slim. Good luck and sorry for the essay, but I hope it's useful.

It's a bunch of gobbledygook about the generations and the kingdom and all of that. It's all nonsense. In my humble opinion, you need to de-indoctrinate yourself to fully remove these types of fears. Not sure if I've shared this post with you before, but here's what I did personally:

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking

Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.


For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

Another way to clear out the cobwebs is to read and listen to exiting stories. Here are some resources:

https://leavingjw.org

Here is a post with links to a bunch of podcasts interviewing JWs who've left

Here's another bunch of podcasts about JWs

Here is a great book from Psychotherapist and former JW Bonnie Zieman - Exiting the JW Cult: A Helping Handbook

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

To go further down the rabbit hole, watch this series.

Here's a nice series debunking most creationist "logic".

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

Here's another side of the coin. Not necessarily to drag you out of the cult, but just some very awesome, beautiful truths. If you've seen me post this before, i apologize. I don't like to assume everyone reads every thread.

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Next, learn some actual science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website.. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read works by Stephen Hawking

Read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Learn about critical thinking from people like Michael Shermer, and how to spot logical fallacies.


For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline..

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

Another great source is the youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

TL;DR Dieting and fasting changed the appearance of, but did not solve, my disordered eating, food addiction, or food obsessions. No matter what, make sure you are being gentle and kind to yourself!

Personally, I turned to keto as a solution for my binge eating issues - One can only eat so much straight butter before one really feels 'done' after all ;) - but I recently saw a post on one of the keto subreddits that may resonate with you. The post suggested that "solving" disordered eating via a restrictive diet wasn't really a "fix" for those disordered attitudes towards food. Instead it's like a floppy band-aid: it might work at first but you have to heal the underlying wound, band-aid or no. And I'll be damned if for me, that wasn't absolutely right. I have had to be honest with myself: For some of the 3 or so years that I've been eating keto, my disordered eating didn't disappear, it only looked different. Since I started keto, it has looked like obsessive thoughts about food with sprinkled instances of my previous disordered patterns. I thought perhaps this would resonate for you with what you mentioned about ending your fast with a candy binge.

For me, I'm now experiencing a tension between "I would prefer to reduce my carbs to keto levels because I legitimately do feel better physically and physiologically when I don't eat carbs on a regular basis" and "but demonizing carbs hasn't actually caused me to recover, and I still turn to food for things that really aren't about hunger or nourishment." It's a fine line: I found myself obsessing over keto just as much as I had ever obsessed about food while in the throes of my unhelpful eating patterns.

Since this realization, I've found a couple tools that I hope will be useful. One is that I have cultivated the habit of using a handful of mood and behavior tracker apps, which help me be honest and mindful about how I am feeling on a given day. Pacifica is popular, and I also use BoosterBuddy. Booster Buddy prompts you to do 3 self-care tasks each day. It sounds trivial, but for some reason it really does lead me to be mindful of ways I can nurture myself, and ultimately I find I nurture myself more often and more effectively. Trackers won't by themselves cause your food obsessions to go away, of course - but I've been finding that if I start my day with a couple gentle, low-investment nudges towards self-care, then other good things tend to follow.

Another tool I'm using is DBT (dialectal behavior therapy.) Basically, it is a behavior-based therapy that is rooted in mindfulness without judgment of self or others. It has a few core tenets, which include the idea that 1. all behaviors are caused and 2. everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at any given time. You might be able to find DBT groups locally (and I really do recommend them in a group setting!) or you might be able to find a therapist for DBT one-on-one. I'm hopeful that an honest look at the role of my eating habits will enable me to find more effective solutions to the problems for which I have been using food. This is the specific tool that I used during my first experiences with DBT. It's meant to be used in a therapy setting, but I'm trying it out by myself. It includes worksheets to help you identify the specific patterns you are trying to change, as well as alternative strategies for situations that might trigger problem eating. DBT has been found to be effective for many folks with eating disorders.

Sorry for the wall - I really empathize with what you have written. For what it's worth, I believe in your ability to move through your eating disorder with compassion and in a way that feels good to you. :)

We did:

Four-week "comprehensive childbirth" class at our hospital, which I really liked and am glad I took. The instructors were all either nurses or former nurses at our hospital and were familiar with our hospital's policies and standard practices, so I now feel very comfortable with what might happen during our birth; also, it turns out our hospital is pretty awesome. It was also actually some nice bonding time with my husband, especially when we practiced having him coach me.

One night breastfeeding class, also at the hospital. Informative, but not necessarily anything I couldn't have learned on my own. It was good to hear about the breastfeeding support that my hospital offers, but I suspect I would have found out about all of that anyway during my stay.

Watched the DVD series Laugh and Learn about Childbirth. It was nice to have a second perspective, and there is so much to know about childbirth that there was material covered in the videos that wasn't covered in our class. The instructor has an interesting style which we found to be hit or miss, tonally, but overall it was a good use of time. We also have Laugh and Learn About Breastfeeding, but haven't watched it yet.

I also read (I've been to the library more in the past two months than in the previous two years...):

• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (highly recommend; very empowering)
  
• Husband Coached Childbirth (The Bradley Method) (seemed a bit dated, even though it was an recent edition, and a bit "out-there" for me)
  
• The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence (recommend)
  
• Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable (a fun and quick read; more helpful for general pregnancy than labor and delivery)
  
• Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! (also more helpful for general pregnancy)
  
  My husband is reading The Birth Partner, Third Edition: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions, and likes it so far.
  
  I still have HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing; The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth (Sears Parenting Library); and Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds on my reading list. About three weeks to go; we'll see how far I get.

I know a lot of people love it, and I do think it has tons of useful information in it, but I was never a fan of What to Expect.... I just never liked the tone of it.

As far as development, pregnancy issues, etc., The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy was the most useful of the pregnancy books. If the baby will be breastfeed, A Nursing Mother's Companion was pretty useful.

Websites were also useful, babycenter.com has some videos and the pregnancy tracker, as moosen25 mentioned, but unless you are big into drama, beware the forums. Some of the smaller threads, like the first timers for a particular birth month are less drama-filled, and I found it reassuring to see/share what other people who were at the same place in their pregnancy were experiencing.

I think the biggest pieces of advice I have are:

• 1. You will be overwhelmed with information. There is so much out there, just remember, books and websites have detailed information about every possible little thing that can go wrong. In reality, there is a very, very small chance that any of the horrible things you read about will happen.
     
     
• 2. Really think about the kind of birth experience that you want, and be open to the possibility that as much as you plan for what you want to have happen, you need to accept that it may not go as planned.
     
     
• 3. If you are thinking of a home birth with a midwife, read other peoples birth stories and experiences with labor, but read up on having an epidural, inductions, and C-Sections as well, because it is better to be able to prepare yourself beforehand in case any of those other scenarios become necessary. You will find from reading that one intervention usually leads to requiring more interventions and increases the probability of needing a C-Section.
     
     
• 4. Find a doctor that you feel comfortable with, but if you are having a child in a hospital, prepare yourself for the possibility that the person you have been seeing for nine months may not be the person who delivers your child. If you would like an additional advocate in the hospital and someone to help with labor look into a doula. I can't offer much advice as far as using a midwife, but I'm sure some of the other parents can help you out with ways to find a great midwife.
     
     Finally, congratulations. Take some time and let it sink in, and enjoy it.
     
     Edit: One more thing...before the pregnancy gets to far advanced take a vacation with your SO and have some special alone time before you become a trio.
     
     Being a parent is great, to me, my son is the absolute best thing in the world, but don't forget to take some alone time to be with your SO every once in awhile.

Hello and welcome! Indoctrination in most cults can leave a person bitter about the world around them. Learning the actual facts about reality, the universe, and humanity is a good way to counter those negative feelings in my experience. Not sure how much of this applies to you, but here are my recommendations for de-indoctrinating yourself:

Take some time to learn about the history of the bible. For example, you can take the Open Yale Courses on Religious Studies for free.

Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman

Also read A History of God by Karen Armstrong

Watch this talk from Sam Harris where he explains why "free will" is likely an illusion, which debunks the entire premise of "the fall of man" as presented by most Christian religions.

Watch this video on the Cordial Curiosity channel that teaches how the "Socratic Method" works, which essentially is a way to question why we believe what we believe. Do we have good reasons to believe them? If not, should we believe them?

Watch this video by Theramin Trees that explains why we fall for the beliefs of manipulative groups in the first place.

This video explains why and how childhood indoctrination works, for those of us born-in to a high-control group.

Another great source is this youtube series debunking 1914 being the start of the last days.

Next, learn some science. For example - spoiler alert: evolution is true. Visit Berkeley's excellent Understanding Evolution Website. Or, if you're pressed for time, watch this cartoon.

Read Why Evolution is True by Jerry Coyne.

Read The Greatest Show on Earth by Richard Dawkins.

Watch this series where Aron Ra explains in great detail how all life is connected in a giant family tree.

Learn about the origin of the universe. For example, you could read A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking.

Learn about critical thinking from people like [Michael Shermer] (http://www.ted.com/talks/michael_shermer_on_believing_strange_things?language=en), and how to spot logical fallacies.

For good measure, use actual data and facts to learn the we are NOT living in some biblical "last days". Things have gotten remarkably better as man has progressed in knowledge. For example, watch this cartoon explaining how war is on the decline.

Read The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined by Steven Pinker.

Watch this Ted Talk by Hans Rosling, the late Swedish Statistician, where he shows more evidence that the world is indeed becoming a better place, and why we tend to wrongly convince ourselves otherwise.

I wish you the best. There is a whole world of legitimate information out there based on actual evidence that you can use to become a more knowledgeable person.

You may still wonder how you can be a good human without "the truth." Here is a good discussion on how one can be good without god. --Replace where he talks about hell with armageddon, and heaven with paradise--

Start to help yourself begin to live a life where, as Matt Dillahunty puts it, you'll "believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible."

Girl, I am in exactly the same position as you. Actually created an account just to comment on this b/c it really struck a chord with me. I did get to a psychiatrist to officially diagnose me -- but couldn't afford to keep seeing him every 3 months to renew the prescription, so I am now medicine-free again :/

Here are some things that I've been working with over the past year:

1. Fish oil pills. My DR told me to start taking these ASAP when he diagnosed me. His advice was to find a pill with an Omega-3 balance of 700 mg EPA/300 mg DHA, and take two doses of that a day (so 2000 mg/day). Clinical studies show a big relief in ADHD symptoms after about 3 months if you maintain this; big relief in mood/anxiety (if that's a problem for you) after 2 weeks. I am inconsistent with this but feel a big relief when I take them regularly. Dr. warned me that there is significant variation in how effective these pills are, so it's important to get high-quality pills and check the labels for dosage information, or you won't see a benefit. Store 'em in the freezer if they give you fishy burps.
   
   
2. Exercise. Hard but SO helpful. Clinical studies show amazing benefits; benefits keep increasing the more you exercise, up to 1 hour of vigorous exercise/day. (Sorry no citation, this was also told to me by my DR.) I became SO much happier when following the couch to 5k program.
   
   
3. Coffee. Adderall for cheapos. I drink more than is healthy, but it helps me focus when I feel myself "drifting" and I personally think that's worth the health trade off. Your mileage may vary.
   
   
4. Sleep. 9 hours a night and I am a motherfucking HERO. That's hard to get but it truly, truly makes an impact for me personally. I try to turn off all screens/electronics an hour before bed, take a melatonin 30 min before turning off the lights, and turn off lights at least 8 hours before I need to get up, earlier when I can.
   
   
5. Self-educate. Off the top of my head, the book that's helped me the most is this one, almost certainly available fo' free at your local library. Check everyone on ADHD out of the library, who knows? Something might click for you.
   
   That is the sum total of my current low-cost ADHD self-care system! If I am consistently implementing all those things, and engaging supportive and helpful friends as coaches, I feel really good about my life. I am still a space cadet, but the important shit gets done and more importantly, I don't hate myself so much. Er, too real? No we're cool. Keeping on keeping on.
   
   Good luck!

Sure, I'll give you my thoughts:

>I adopted an SS workout from another comment, and I gave the first routine a go today (3x5 squat, 3x5 bench, 1x5 deadlift, plus some accessory stuff).

I definitely think that in the long run, this will get you further than your previous plan, and it's a good start. If you want to do SS, I would highly suggest buying the SS book, or buying Practical Programming, which also includes the intermediate program that follows SS as well as some advanced stuff and a wealth of information (basically everything that comes in SS). If you don't want to buy the book or can't, you can find a lot of the information on the SS wiki. Another option is to do Stronglifts and just download the app on your phone for free - they're basically the same program, only StrongLifts does 5x5 (so you do two extra sets).


>I haven't benched in a while. I work alone, and I get a little nervous benching without a spotter. I did a pyramid up to my working set (115, lame I know). I don't think I am capable of much more, but I am not struggling at all after my third set.

You should do a small pyramid to warm up, but not so much that it tires you out for your working sets. Don't be worried about asking for a spot, nobody will mind, especially if you only ask for your last set. If the last set isn't a struggle, you can do more. You gotta get used to pushing hard even without a spotter though. Obviously, don't be stupid about it, but tell yourself that you can do ONE REP at the new weight... and if you can do one, you can do one more. Pay attention to your body, and if you're shaking and fatigued, leave your last rep in the tank.... but remember, if you're eating properly and getting enough sleep and your program says you can do it, then you can do it. Also practice doing the roll of shame awesome a couple times so that you at least feel comfortable if you do have to bail. Also, switch to powerlifting bench form - it is very technical and takes some getting used to, but it's a lot safer for your shoulders and you're less likely to need to bail - you can usually at least get the weight up, even if it's hideous. Obviously work on form at a weight you can handle pretty easily.


>I don't think I can get more weight up, especially with my form being poor from having taken so much time off from bench, would it hurt to increase my reps instead?

Don't worry about how much weight is on the bar. On SS you should be planning to hit PRs regularly on bench, but you can microload with 2.5 or 1.25-pound plates instead of 5s. You probably won't injure yourself shooting for reps, but you won't be following your program, and you won't be getting stronger. You said you had the goal of being proud of your body one day - well be proud of your body isn't just liking how you look, it's also being proud of what you can do, and that means you're going to have to push yourself (intelligently, with good form).

> I could probably for 4x5 or 5x5. I am really spent after that whole routine though, I like it, feels good.

Well, good. StrongLifts is a 5x5 program, but with 5x5 you obviously require more recovery, which means eating more and possibly sleeping more in order to go every other day. Honestly, the SS devotees are adamant that 5x5 is excessive for a beginner program, but Coach Ripp says left and right that beginners can take a lot. If you feel like you could handle an extra set or two on bench and squat, I think it would be fine to add them. Another option would be to add a couple accessories - A COUPLE, not eight a day. If you have a particular body part you would like to show off, go for it. Just keep it reasonable (2-3) and remember to never ever ever sacrifice recovery on your main lifts in exchange for accessories - it's not worth it in the long run. But overall, it sounds like you're on the right track. Work hard, limit the amount of garbage you put into your body, get enough protein and sleep, watch instructional form videos from that megathread from yesterday, and you'll see a lot of progress.

Edit: Also, I meant to address this, and just now remembered:

>115, lame I know

Anyone worth their salt will only judge you based on your form, not how much weight you're putting up. I train at my university gym so I see freshmen in there all the time that are obviously just starting out. I saw this one skinny dude a while back squatting 95 with pretty bad form. Two weeks later or so, saw him again squatting 115 with much better form - mad respect right there. He's obviously making an effort to improve his form, and is pushing hard. There's this other guy I see in there now and then who benches with his friend, and they both have terrible form, and it never gets better -- they lay on the bench like they're taking a nap, elbows and shoulders flared, legs start flailing when they try to push a heavier weight. It's ridiculous. They're obviously following no program, don't spend the time or effort to seek out advice online or do any amount of research to improve their form or even something as simple as googling "how to get stronger and better looking." The people I see moving less weight with good form, I forget almost immediately. It's the train wrecks waiting to happen, with terrible form and higher weight that I remember and silently judge.

Hey OP! Just wanted to touch on a couple of things that I don't think other people have mentioned.

First off, on the subject of therapists... Here's a bunch of lists of them in various US states, compiled by other trans folks: [New England](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_New_England "CT, MA, ME, NH, RI, VT"), [Mid-Atlantic](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Mid-Atlantic_States "NJ, NY, PA"), [East North Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_East_North_Central_States "IL, IN, MI, OH, WI"), [West North Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_West_North_Central_States "IA, KS, MO, MN, ND, NE, SD"), [South Atlantic](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_South_Atlantic_States "DC, DE, FL, GA, MD, NC, SC, VA, WV"), [East South Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_East_South_Central_States "AL, KY, MS, TN"), [West South Central](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_West_South_Central_States "AR, LA, OK, TX"), [Mountain](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Mountain_States "AZ, CO, ID, MT, NM, NV, UT, WY"), [Pacific](http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_Pacific_States "AK, CA, HI, OR, WA")

Some therapists bill insurance, some work on a fee-for-service model, and some operate on a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. There are also some therapists that work online, like this one and this one - for some discussion of this, you can do a Google search for "gender therapist online", which for example brought up this thread.

As far as processing things goes, I have a standard list of thought experiments that I like to offer people, that I think can help to think about this stuff. Take these questions with a grain of salt, and consider them a tool, not anything ironclad or anything that needs to determine your fate (and remember that at the end of the day, what's most important is what you want or need to do). You can respond here if you feel like it, but you don't have to - just some things to think about. :)

• If I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow as a woman, with everyone else understanding you and relating to you as a woman, irrevocably but painlessly, would you press it? ("Yes", "no", "I don't know", "I'd want to but I'd be scared" - all valid answers.)
  
  
• Alternatively, if I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow still as a man, but without any of the gender issues you've been having, not questioning your gender, and able to live happily as a man with zero dysphoria, would you press it?
  
  
• If I had both of those buttons, which one would you rather press, all other things being equal?
  
  
• If I had a test that could tell you if you were a man or a woman, which answer would you be hoping for as you took it? Which way would you try to skew your answers, if you did (consciously or not) try to skew them in either direction?
  
  
• If you washed up on a desert island, by yourself, but with any amount of both male and female clothing, with no hope of rescue but otherwise everything that you needed for a relatively healthy and happy life, would you choose to present as male? female? neither? a mix of the two? one way some of the time, the other way the rest? If for some bizarre reason a lifetime supply of hormones washed up with you as well, do you think you'd take them? What if you washed up with the button from the first thought experiment - in a situation where you were by yourself, would you press it?
  
  
• Let's say I had a test that asked about all of the things, very thorough, and at the end it would tell you, with 100% accuracy, whether or not you were trans. So you take it, and it tells you, "Well, you've got some mild gender confusion, but you're definitely not trans, and you shouldn't transition." How would that make you feel? "Sad", "disappointed", or "relieved" are all reactions that suggest that seeing the aforementioned therapist might be a good idea.
  
  
• On the other hand, what if the test told you "Yup, you're definitely trans all right, and you should probably start planning your transition." - how would you feel about that?
  
  
• When posting threads like this, I think a lot of people are hoping that others will be able to tell them whether or not they're trans (speaking personally, at least, I sure did). I suspect that you might have expected people would draw conclusions or at least make guesses one way or the other. If so, which possibility were you hoping people's responses would suggest or support (and, I suppose, why)?
  
  Penultimate point: if you want some further reading, I hiiiiiiiighly recommend Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl.
  
  Last point, relevant to that book and also any other lurking, talking, asking questions about other people's experiences, and whatever - I want to caution you that as easy as it is to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people, and to the Standard Trans Narrative ("I've always known, I've wanted to transition since I knew what that was, I hate hate hate everything about my body, I want SRS as soon as possible", etc. etc...) - you should know that there as many trans narratives as there are trans people, and to the extent that your story differs from the stories of others (and it will, since everyone else's differ too!), that does not invalidate anything about you or your needs or desires.
  
  Oh! I lied. ONE MORE THING
  
  As far as your relationship with your fiancée, my girlfriend sort of already told her this, but I want to emphasize it because I think it bears repeating: communicate. We went through a really, really rough period after I came out to her, in part because she reacted kind of negatively and so I pulled away, hiding everything from her and just not talking about stuff... finally one day in the midst of a fight of sorts she told me that a big part of the problem was that she didn't know what was going on in my head, didn't have any idea what I was thinking - and when I let her read the journal I'd been keeping, everything made a lot more sense to her and she felt a lot more comfortable about things. It sounds like your level of communication is way better than ours was, but I just want to reiterate that it's important to keep that up.
  
  Anyway, good luck to you - I hope things continue to sort themselves out in your head, that your relationship stays on a pretty even keel, and that things go well for you overall. :)

I'm glad it helps. :)

Actually, this is mildly cathartic, having an outlet for all those "should've, could've" thoughts...

Involve others with more experience.

• If you need to choose a school, ask on /r/lgbt.
  
• When it's time to find a therapist, ask on /r/asktransgender.
  
• When you need to tell your parents, or even just need to decide whether to tell your parents, find a local peer group (GSA) with whom to practice the discussion.
  
  Learn about your community.
  
  
• Read "The nearest exit may be behind you", "Gender Outlaws: TNG", "Whipping Girl", "Transgender History". These will not be your problems, or necessarily your life, but you will find your people in them and a connection to an otherwise foreign community. (It sucks to be trans, nobody understands.)
  
• Find opportunities to participate in queer culture. Being T is not the same as being LGB. It's tempting to pull away, since yours is an issue of identity and not one of sexuality (and they really are extraordinarily different). Resist the temptation, be a part of something, force your way in and tolerate the inconsistencies, it will be worth it.
  
  Heal thyself.
  
  
• Your attitude and self-awareness is awesome, but your background and environment is not. I had a virtually identical home life (one fewer younger siblings, but the rest aligns right down to the lawyer parent!), and even after I "got over" it, it took years to really put the internalized prejudices of my youth away. Don't rationalize it away, don't be hard on yourself when you can't just get over it.
  
• Go to therapy. Find someone you really click with, and who you feel understands you, and invest the time and trust in that relationship to make the most of it. Don't tell them what they want to hear, tell them what you feel, and remember that they fully expect you to be totally wrong about your own feelings the first few times. Figure it out together. You should be able to get this nearly for free at the right college, make the most of it.
  
• If it feels awkward, you're doing it right. Cut yourself some slack, everyone has a hell of a time growing up and finding themselves, and thanks to your situation you'll be doing at 19 what most work out at 12. It's ok. Laugh at yourself, reflect and learn, and move on.
  
• Find a fringe benefit. If you dwell on gender dysphoria, it can seem pretty shitty. If you mire yourself in transition, it can seem like a thankless, endless slog. Find something to be excited about, find a part of yourself to enjoy, and don't feel guilty about it. :)
  
  
  Finally, and most importantly, you do belong.
  You don't have to be presenting in your preferred gender to go to a support group. You don't have to start HRT to comment on a board. There's a pervasive sense among trans folk that there are real trans people out there and we're not they. But the moment you recognize this part of yourself you're a part of our world whether you like it or not, and all of us feel just as different. Smile, introduce yourself, and share aspects of yourself among friends who have those same parts and who are just bursting for the opportunity to talk about it with anyone who understands.
  
  Sigh, I could ramble on, but I need to get back to work... I guess I can sum it up in promising, cross my heart, the world is a beautiful and wonderful place, and you're going to love it out here. :)

>A predicted a couple of things when I posted my previous reply. One was that you would only respond to my last point. And the other was that that point would trigger you to no end.
>
>Look, you're just one of those people who thinks their views are universal. The things your pointing out as evidence of a morally degrading society aren't anything new. There is evidence that we're living in the best time ever in the history of mankind.
>
>Let's look at you points:

You probably thought Hillary would win the election too, because of all the scientific polls done to prove she would win..

There is no arguing that we live in the best time to be alive, the entire point of my post, was that as we lose sight of religion we lose the actions that provided all of the prosperity you are pointing to. What is the source?

You are tearing down the building, then trying to use the bricks of that building to make a house..on sand....

>Has that happened? Has Miley Cyrus been nude on TV? But that's not important. Almost 70 years ago, people were saying "Marilyn Monroe is showing her cooter!" (who talks like that anyway?).

Have you seen any of her live performances at award shows? She might as well be fully naked...I mean come on could you be any more pedantic?

>Horrible, or course. But not new. Remember when people used to drag people behind their truck until they were dead?

I won't need to remember, because I will be seeing it again in this lifetime the way things are going...

>Not true, but poverty isn't new.
>
>You can't be older than me, and I'm not even close to "kids these days" as you are. Here's a relevant quote:
>
>“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”
>
>Who know who said that? Socrates. 2500 years ago.

You know the funny thing about Socrates right? He didn't have Jesus either! So funny the problems he was encountering then in a rational advanced society without Jesus, is the same things happening to us as we lose Jesus! Super cool point thanks for making that.

Great thing all those Greek people converted to....Christianity!!! here is a wonderful excerpt from the Urantia book. The Greek Scholar Rodan of Alexandria. I suggest you read the entire chapter on him in the book, and then the next chapter titled "Further discussions with Rodan"

But the greatest of all methods of problem solving I have learned from Jesus, your Master. I refer to that which he so consistently practices, and which he has so faithfully taught you, the isolation of worshipful meditation. In this habit of Jesus’ going off so frequently by himself to commune with the Father in heaven is to be found the technique, not only of gathering strength and wisdom for the ordinary conflicts of living, but also of appropriating the energy for the solution of the higher problems of a moral and spiritual nature. But even correct methods of solving problems will not compensate for inherent defects of personality or atone for the absence of the hunger and thirst for true righteousness.

160:1.11 (1774.3) I am deeply impressed with the custom of Jesus in going apart by himself to engage in these seasons of solitary survey of the problems of living; to seek for new stores of wisdom and energy for meeting the manifold demands of social service; to quicken and deepen the supreme purpose of living by actually subjecting the total personality to the consciousness of contacting with divinity; to grasp for possession of new and better methods of adjusting oneself to the ever-changing situations of living existence; to effect those vital reconstructions and readjustments of one’s personal attitudes which are so essential to enhanced insight into everything worth while and real; and to do all of this with an eye single to the glory of God—to breathe in sincerity your Master’s favorite prayer, “Not my will, but yours, be done.”

You know I predicted a few things too.

1. You wouldn't be able to see any sense in anything I say because your reality is crooked.
   
2. You would argue even the most basic simple obvious worldly truths, or try and conflate them to meet your narrative.
   
   Edited to reference who was talking in the quote.

Please don't take this post from me as aggressive, I just wanted to point out a few things about your post.

You make a few mistakes early in your post. One is you're making the No True Scotsman argument. Essentially you're arguing that the bad Christians you assume we've met or are the cause for us leaving the church, aren't real Christians anyway. I think we need to trust people. If they say they're a Christian, I believe them.

Also, things aren't that bad here on the Earth. We've got some issues, but the things you mention are actually better now than at any point in history. Allow me to point you toward a great, great book about this, Steven Pinker's Better Angels of Our Nature. It's a great book about this exact topic, I think it may allay some of your fears.

Also, why is this life not enough? Why do you deserve more than this life? You're saying that unless you have the potential at eternity, this life isn't worth living. Why not? I've got an amazing wife, and I choose to spend some of my limited time with her. She's so great, that makes it worthwhile. I've got two great kids, my daughter is going to turn 5 in a few weeks and she's super fun to be around. I've got a 1.5 year-old son. He's crazy, no fear, always wants me to pick him up and throw him around through the air. I like to do woodworking and make really, really nice pieces for my family and friends that I just give away. I love looking at the beauty in the world. There's no intent behind it, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful and awesome. Why is that not enough? Why do you need more?

You also forget that your third option also includes a place of eternal torment for people like me. You sincerely believe that I am going to burn in Hell forever. I try to be a good person, I put a TON of effort into thinking about ethics and philosophy. I like to help people, give away my time, and just generally do what I can. But as I'm sure you know, the Bible says that we aren't saved by works. So in spite of all my efforts, because I am unable to have faith, I have eternal torment to look forward to.

It isn't Christians that made me an ex-Christian. They were largely just people where I grew up. It's the religion that I reject and everything about it. Just food for thought.

Hey there. I'm not trans, but my girlfriend is, so while I cant personally relate to your situation, I hope I can offer some good advice/perspective.

My girlfriend transitioned about 3 years ago, and while her family had a really hard time at first, and are still not 100% cool with it, they are using the right names and pronouns around her and still enjoy spending time with her, whatever that's worth. They are slowly coming around, and for a couple of republicans, that's a huge deal. To her, transitioning was the single best decision of her life.

My advice is, you're an adult, and you should do what makes you happy, and its really hard to be happy if you're not happy with who you are. I know it must be really hard to do something your family might not like, but your well being and self esteem is more important than their judgment. My parents hoped my lesbianism was a phase at first, but they've come around. I wouldn't trade the love I share with my girlfriend for the complete love and acceptance of my parents any day.

If you are not financially dependent on your parents, you hold the bargaining chips, you can decide how much a part of your life you want them to have. You can pass without hormones, which shouldn't be a deciding factor if you're trans, on whether you should transition or not, but it really does help. I hope whatever you decide to do, it makes you happy.

Here's my advice: Read as much as you can, research, find some voices you can relate to and some advice that seems right for you. I highly reccommend "Whipping Girl" by Julia Serrano. There are plenty of great folks down at r/transgender and r/lgbt who have been in your shoes and are more than willing to spend some time chatting with you. Good luck.

A great first step is to follow the mantra "don't drink your calories" (whether soda, alcohol, juice, or milk). They really do add a lot of calories. The only thing that's slowed down my weight loss in the last few couple weeks has been drinking alcohol more than once a week (in those weeks, I've gained 5 pounds instead of losing ~1 pound). I've quickly snapped back, but it made it really clear to me.

Since making a more concerted effort 5 years ago, I'm about 40 pounds lighter. But I've also gained muscle mass, so I've lost more fat than that and feel great even though I could certainly get in even better shape (and I plan to). It's not setting any records, and I'm sure I could have gotten there faster with greater effort and better techniques.

I'd tried losing weight over the years before that and have been involved in sports for much of my life (though taking breaks off-season, just going to the gym on my own in college, then slacking for a few years, etc.). But one of the major inflection points was ~5 years ago.

The first big change was (re-)joining 24-Hour Fitness and taking 3 hour-long cardio classes per week with my girlfriend as sort of a challenge and to impress her. I knew I could force myself to adjust to it over a few weeks or months since I had some discipline left over from high school sports. You might want to start with 1 class, then 2, then 3 over a couple months. (She's now my wife, so it's not the only good thing that came out of those classes :)

I gradually worked in some running, to the point of 4 work-outs per week (usually 3 classes and 1 10k run).

After a few years of that, I found a Groupon for LA Boxing for kickboxing classes, which looked like fun, so I took that up. I first did it once a week, then gradually replaced my 24-Hour Fitness classes, since it was fun and burns about 1,000 calories per class. Group (kick)boxing classes which focus on endurance and intensity are great. You'll definitely lose a lot of weight and get in better shape if you stick with it, though it can be tough at first (even coming from the 4 weekly workouts above). Note that I'm referring to classes which focus on a fair amount of technique, high-intensity cardio, real boxing gloves and bags, as a contrast to "cardio kickboxing" at 24-Hour Fitness which is not bad in the grand scheme of things, but burns fewer calories and is essentially choreography.

I've hit a new inflection point in February by following a slow-carb diet. I'm also an ova-lacto vegetarian, but that's never done much directly to help me lose weight in the 15 years I've been doing it. I'm part-way into the book The 4-Hour Body which covers the diet (though I'd read about it from his other books and online before this and started on the basics of minimizing carbs and increasing protein back in February) and other minimum-effort ways to lose weight. You might be able to skip some of my steps above by going straight to this.

I've also recently switched all my exercise to a fight-technique-focused kickboxing gym 3 times a week with a 20-minute bike ride to and from. This new gym definitely raises my heart rate but it's less focused on sustained cardio than on correct form. It's only been 4 weeks, so it may be hard to say, but the slight reduction in cardio (and mostly reducing to 3 weekly workouts from 4) hasn't slowed my progress much as I had slightly feared (the diet is probably helping counter any minor losses I may have otherwise had).

Use MyFitnessPal as others have suggested. Keep a paper journal (Moleskine or one of those .99 composition notebooks, whatever) if that helps; whichever you can commit to better.

Eat CONSCIOUSLY. Most people eat so many grams of sugar and carbs without thinking about it that just knowing roughly how much you're eating can help to curb that nasty habit.

Eat things that are more fulfilling and nutrient dense - vegetables are your best friend, even if you have to slather them in cheese/butter to get yourself to enjoy them at first.

Cutting down on sugar will be immensely beneficial. It's an addiction. Treat it like an addiction. Consuming sugars and carbs trigger reactions in our brains very similar to consuming drugs. It's scary. Once you break your addiction to sugar/carbs you'll start finding that you no longer have a taste for things that are loaded with either of those things.

Read books like The 4 Hour Chef and The 4 Hour Body.

Do yourself a favor and keep reading this subredditt as well as places like /r/progresspics ; know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It's not going to be an easy journey, but you can absolutely do it. It took you many years to get to this point, and it's not too late to live a healthy life where walking long distances isn't a daunting task. You'll be able to run and play with your son.

Speaking of your son, try your best to instill good habits in him. Fast food is bad. If you don't have the time to cook dinner, choose healthier "fast food" options like Chipotle WITHOUT THE SHELL, Boston Market WITHOUT the stuffing, sweet potatoes, cornbread, desserts. Encourage him to go outside and play, join a sports team, and not allow him to get on a path to obesity and bad health.

Desserts should be for special occasions only - however, you don't have to constantly tell yourself no. If you're absolutely craving something and find yourself thinking about nothing else, go ahead and have a bite of something sweet. Portion control and self restraint are key here.

Do not buy unhealthy foods. If it's in your house, you're going to eat it at some point.

Don't buy into the "low fat = good for you" marketing. Fat is fine. It's those carbs and sugars that are your enemy when consumed in excess.

You're so overweight right now that you could find the pounds melting off at a very quick rate if you change your habits.

If you can't commit to eating cleanly 100%, that's okay. Start out with easy stuff like no soft drinks - if you want, drink diet soda instead to make it easier. The chemicals in there aren't ideal but they're a hell of a lot better than the loads of sugar in regular soda.

I could go on and on. It's a wonderful thing that you're reaching out for help. Remember that you're never alone. If you need some help with motivation or advice, there are people here that will always be around.

Also, last but certainly not least - see a doctor. I'm not a doctor so the advice I've given you is not to be taken as such. I know it may be difficult, but it's important that you know where you stand as far as your heart etc. are concerned. You don't want to over strain yourself or injure yourself from exercising beyond your body's current limits.

Keep with it.

You can do this.

First of all, sorry for responding so late. I saw your comment, but didn't have time to really sit down and give it the attention it warrants. Here is my reply:

This is an excellent and one of the most important points. Unfortunately, health care in America sucks in general and this is even worse for mental health due to a lack of understanding on the part of insurance companies about the nature of mental illness.

I do not have a great answer to your question because I've never really looked into it. There were some sites that seemed like good places to start that I found by Googling around:

NAMI HelpLine

SAMSHA

These are just other general thoughts/ideas:

-If you have insurance and are not really sure what's covered, call them and ask. You'll get a good idea of what's covered, what the copayment is likely to be etc. Even if the copay is more than you can afford, that is not necessarily the end. Many mental health practitioners operate on a sliding-scale which means they have some flexibility in terms of copayment.

-Look into universities or hospitals in your area. They often have clinical trainees or researchers who can see you for a reduced fee or even for free (e.g. in exchange for participation in a research study).

-I was going to say go to your local place of worship, but I am not sure how connected to mental health resources temples and masjids are.

-If you're a student with or without insurance, go to your campus counseling center and talk to them. They usually know practitioners they work with who have cheaper rates for students.

-If you don't have insurance and you aren't a student, there are hotlines or centers that might be able to help you get health insurance. I am not knowledgable of this process, but Google or asking on other subs could help.

-Depending on where you live, there can be support groups offered in the community. It isn't ideal, but you'll receive some form of support and it may help connect to other resources.

-Finally, sometimes seeing a therapist is just not an option. Whether it's due to just not being able to afford it, or maybe you live in an area that lacks mental health resources. In those cases, I could think of a few things.

You can find support groups on the internet. Not necessarily Reddit, but there are entire forums dedicated to people who experience depression, anxiety, substance abuse issues, etc. I'm sure there is a range of variance on the quality, but you should never discount the power of social support, even if it's not through a physical medium.

The other approach is self-education about mental health. Even though I put it as the last option, this is definitely one of the most powerful ones. There are a lot of great books and research papers out there on mental health, understanding specific disorders, and full clinical manuals. Some of these are not really accessible to people outside the field, but a lot of these are meant for the average consumer. You need to be careful because there is a lot of crap out there too. Check reviews, make sure the source is evidence and research based. This one is so critical. Through decades of research, we have a good understanding of many disorders, as well as the treatment approaches that are effective for them. It's important to consume content that is based on these scientific methods. If you need help deciding which books are good, again Google around or perhaps go to a psychology-focused forum and ask for opinions. One good approach is to read books written by the people who actually developed the therapies! Here are two good examples I like:

CBT for Depression

DBT

I fully realize that when you're struggling with a problem, you may feel that you don't have the physical or psychological resources to try to take this approach. But you should always know that this choice is available to you. It's something that you can try. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. But it will definitely not hurt you.

For a razor, I recommend a three-piece razor, since those pack flat when disassembled---and in any event my standard recommendation, one of the Edwin Jagger DE8x series (or the Mühle equivalents) is indeed a three-piece. Those are readily available on Amazon. I'm partial to the faux-ivory handle myself, but the faux-ebony or barley-chrome is nice as well. This is a really good razor that will last a lifetime. They all have the same head, the only differences being in the handle.

For a brush, the Omega 11047 boar/badger brush has the virtue of being both small and good (packable in a pill bottle, holds lots of lather for a complete shave).

For a soap, I recommend a shave stick: Arko makes excellent lather and is not expensive. Soaps are, however, sensitive to water hardness, so you might want to go with a shave cream, since those are less affected: Speick shaving cream is exceptionally good and modestly priced. (Indeed, all the Speick products seem to be excellent, including their aftershaves.)

An alum block is an extremely pleasant aftershave skin treatment (before the aftershave splash or balm). RazoRock is modestly priced and has its own container for travel.

He will probably get a nick or two along the way, and the best styptic I have found for stopping the nick immediately with no powdery white mark on the face is My Nik Is Sealed. The link is the best price I've found and the two tubes would last him for years, so keep one for yourself. :)

A pre-shave soap (Whole Foods 365 glycerin soap at $2/bar works well in softer water) is a good touch, but not really needed for travel: he could just use the hotel soap. But a high-glycerin soap is very nice for home, if home includes soft water.

Read this post on blades: it explains why a sampler pack is required, and includes sources. The vendor with the products above, ShoeboxShaveshop.com, does sell sampler packs, so get one of those.

That's a complete set, unless you think he might find my introductory guide helpful. Check out the reader reviews and decide.

After he tries this, he will really appreciate your doing this for him.

There are lots of great techniques (like these) to help you remember specific things, but if you want to train your brain to remember things better, you have to work daily on this effort. I've been using Lumosity for the last few months for this reason. I'm not sure yet whether it's actually improving my memory, but at the very least it's a nice way to get your brain going in the morning and brush up on a few basic skills.

There are different games focused on various "brain skills" (memory, focus, spatial recognition, etc...) - I love the games that help you remember names and faces. Thus far the only research about this was sponsored by the company- hopefully others will dig into this interesting topic soon. Still, everything I've read about brain plasticity suggests these kinds of activities do improve your thinking skills.

I signed up for the 30 day free trial and set a calendar reminder to cancel it by the end of the trial, but after 15 days of using it I was hooked. I get to work and do this for the first half hour or so instead of obsessively checking Facebook and it wakes up my brain and makes me feel productive without having to do real work before the coffee kicks in. There's at least one other website doing the same kind of thing called Posit Science, but I haven't tried it.

You could get a similar result by playing free games that use your memory every day, like matching games, but I like that Lumosity training programs give you different games to play each day so you don't burn out. I just click "Start Training" and it will give me 5 games to play. I also like the ability to track my progress.

If you join, add me- I have the same screenname on there. :)

</theyshouldpayme>

My daughter was born almost 11 months ago.

I felt the same anxiety - trepidation - dread that you're going through right now. Your fiancee might be feeling similarly but worried about talking about it - or she might have times where she will feel that way. It's normal to be that worried. Before this, you really only had to worry about you - for the most part. of course, I'm sure you and your partner take care of each other but ultimately you are both adults capable of independence. Now you're going to be responsible for a new human that's tiny, extremely vulnerable, and it is up to you and your fiancee to keep the human alive and healthy. After several months they'll get older and then they'll get older again. each time they get a little stronger or more physically capable, they'll have new ways that they will accidentally almost kill themselves, and you need to not let that happen. Of course that's terrifying.

But it's amazing. Sign up and go to some birth classes with your partner. Not everything was obvious but a lot of it will come to you when your baby does. You'll quickly become comfortable with holding a baby. You'll have a lot of practice in changing diapers, wrapping swaddles, etc. and it will get easier. If you feel like you are really worried, don't be afraid of finding a therapist to talk to it about. During the pregnancy, try to prepare everything to be ready about two weeks earlier than you might need it, just in case you end up giving birth early. Remember to enjoy these last few months of childlessness (and to forgive easily). Obviously your fiancee can't drink or go to smokey bars, but it's about to get a lot more difficult to go to a movie, or dinner, or really anywhere without planning it in advance.

Will everything work out? It'll be good enough. You probably won't feel like you have enough money, or enough time, or enough sleep. But it'll work out.

Here's a couple other tips if you want something specific:

• Here is a great book for dads-to-be. This helped me learn a lot. It's one of the only books for made specifically for "pregnant dads" that is this thorough and isn't effectively a joke book.
  
• It is definitely worth going to one of those birthing classes. Ours was 5 or 6 weeks - one 90-minute class each week.
  
• If your lady is getting morning sickness, maybe set her up with a sick-bag or two - I made two for my wife (one for her car, one for her desk at work). It included some crackers and a couple other simple snacks, a few barf bags (a couple trash bags and if you really want to be fancy, these barf bags are nice), some mints and gum, a bottle of water, and a couple hair bands to tie her hair up. The bag was something like this one but i'm sure you can find others that would work fine.
  
• Don't forget to take time to enjoy each other. I'm not necessarily talking about sex, since that might not be something you're both interested in now. It could be cuddling or whatever, but it could also just be going on dates, having a nice dinner together, etc. Before the kid and after the kid is born, don't forget to at least pause life for a couple minutes and appreciate each other.
  
• If you're in the US and near a Costco or Sam's Club - and you aren't already a member - strongly consider membership. The money you'll save on diapers, wipes, and formula (as needed) will make up for the cost of the membership pretty quickly.

I posted this a few days ago. Hope it might be helpful for someone else. :)

> I'm a planner and a plotter by nature...so when I wanted to come out to people, I wanted to have this big speech laid out and a massive carpet bomb of information ready for everyone once I told them. I even wanted to tell people at the right time...not around anyone's birthday or holidays or anything, but when the moment was just right. It was just hindering me coming out. So, first tip: RELAX. Some planning is nice, but don't overdo things. You can take notes in, but don't write a letter or an essay. :)

> The good points I'd take from my experience thus far:

> let your family members know you wanna talk to them before you do. It's a thing they need to make 15-20 minutes of time for and not something you may wanna just casually throw in after dinner while watching TV.

> divide and conquer. Separate out the family members you think will be most comfortable (for me, it was my mother and sister over the phone) and speak with them first in private about it. It's a lot harder to come out to several people than just one.

> when you talk, talk to them about how you've felt first. Tell them it may be an awkward conversation, tell them that you're nervous talking to them, tell them how you've felt uncomfortable or dysphoric or how this has manifested in you. Put the 'I'm trans' near the middle/end.

> they may ask questions about it. You may not know all the answers just yet. That's fine. Stand firm, it's okay to not know everything or where things will end up.

> give them some time to wrap their head around things and don't push them.

> If everything goes well...bootstrap. ask the people you've told to help you with the people you haven't. I told my father and brothers, who helped me talk with my aunt, who helped me talk with my grandparents.

Addendum - good resources on trans stuff that I found:

The Praeger handbook of transsexuality. I was so lucky to have a copy in my local library, has some of the few studies/surveys i've seen, covers a lot of ground, trans guys and trans gals. Kinda technical though and a few years old, but I loved it. Learned so much!


Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. I think it really helps you understand society's fascination with trans ladies, but more mtf and activism focused of course.

PFLAG booklet I think it covers the basics okay for friends and family.

WPATH v7 standards of care Lots of fancy documentation about treatment of trans* individuals, expectations of HRT, etc.

I also read She's not there by jennifer finney boylan. i thought it was okay and I think it provides a more personal narrative to the whole thing, especially for me and my family because she's a fellow Mainer. Also mtf focused. Sorry trans guys, hopefully someone else can get you some cool resources. :(

edit: added some links. Also remember that while books are expensive, library cards are usually free and interlibrary loan is the coolest thing ever. :)

I can relate somewhat to what you're going through, I spent years in the corporate world writing business plans and requirement documents, then left to write fiction. The first thing that really helped me was allowing myself to spill things out without a censor, and without setting any standards (for the first few months at least). I ended up writing a ton of fragments, mostly childhood memories (autobiography vs. fiction), but then I slowly started making things up. There's a ton of great advice here from others about how to be a good writer, but if your challenge is tapping into your creative side, I think it's important to throw out rules and to allow yourself to be messy, to indulge whatever interests you, to not censor or edit yourself, and spend some time tapping into your creative side.

Once you've done that for a while and you feel like you are writing in a new way, then if you want you can focus on really learning to write creative fiction or whatever you want to do. I took classes at Gotham Writer's Workshop, which is based in nyc but I hear their online classes are great, and they have a ton of free resources on their site. Besides reading a ton of fiction I also read many books on craft. Someone already mentioned Stephen King's On Writing, which is quick and entertaining (not necessarily super-informative though). But I really loved Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird, she has a chapter on 'Shitty First Drafts' and 'Jealousy' and is incredibly honest about the process. The most important thing though especially in the beginning is to allow yourself to have fun, explore, to release your creative juices and to pat yourself on the back for starting the process.

Oh dear - please, please stop straightening it! It damages your hair so badly. Going sulfate-free is a good start, but you're going to also want to drop the silicones - you'll get wicked buildup if you're using silicones but not sulfates. Here are some links to get you started:

Curly Girl Method wikihow (very good, but the book is definitely worth buying)

More CGM info

NaturallyCurly.com on CGM

Forums of NaturallyCurly.com

Hair typing - find your curl pattern, porosity, and density.

I would recommend reading through all of these, then finding Lorraine Massey's Curly Girl Method: The Handbook and reading. It's a wonderful book - all the information is right there, easy to read, with lots of pictures for examples. :)

I am always more than happy to answer any questions you might have when you get through all these resources! I can't recommend CGM enough - my hair went from frizzy, dull, lifeless to beautiful, springy curls. My hair has also begun growing at quite a wonderful pace since I made the switch to CGM - it's on track right now to reach 9" this year, a 50% increase from last year's growth! The only thing I've changed is how I care for my hair. :)

Good luck, and please don't hesitate to reach out! :)

Someone messaged me about this, so I thought I'd share the answer here. They asked about how to become a better writer and a few tips:

Hey there,

Sure thing! There's definitely a lot of stuff out there. The best way to hone your craft:

1. Read a lot (I recommend Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and Everybody Writes by Ann Handley - apparently, people named Ann are good writers. :)
   
   
2. Write a lot. In fact, write every day. Journal every morning for 10-15 minutes. Don't just write about your industry, either - write about whatever interests you. Your day, the nice view out the window, something that inspires you, something that challenges you. Dedicate that time to just set your mind free and "play" with words, so to speak. Try new words you've never used.
   
   Some other great resources are:
   
   

• https://www.semrush.com/blog/6-straightforward-steps-to-create-bookmark-worthy-content/
  
  
• http://billwidmer.com/what-is-content-marketing/
  
  
• http://www.copyblogger.com/blog
  
  Niche down hard, as well. The more niche your writing, the more you're likely to be paid. That said, there are certain niches - mainly SaaS, online marketing, eCommerce, and online business - that tend to pay better than others. Sports, for example, is incredibly difficult to write about since most writers write for free.
  
  Once you've figured out a niche, start going after high-end blogs in that niche to get guest posts. Once people start seeing your name on high quality work on high authority blogs, they'll start to come to you rather than you needing to look for work.
  
  Which leads to my last point - always give it your best. Don't skimp on writing, even if you're not being paid. Something I lived by is The 10X Rule: Give 10 times the value of what you're being paid. Eventually, that will come back to you exponentially.
  
  Hope this helps!! :) I may actually work on creating a course to put a few really serious people through. If you're interested, let me know - I'm not going to bother with it unless I see an interest.
  
  Feel free to ask me any other questions!

I'm not sure if this would work or not, but I would try redirecting people who have conservative or right-wing leaning views at least toward better thinkers than Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson and toward optimistic views of the future of society, to cull some of the us-vs-them and zero-sum thinking that plagues these discussions.

Sometimes it feels like men, especially, feel existentially threatened by other modes of thought, so being at least sympathetic to the good bits of their ideas and offering something similar but that promotes openness and liberal ideas may help.

Hans Rosling's Factfulness presents a pretty optimistic view of the world. It's all getting better! Seriously!

Jonathan Haidt (and Greg Lukianoff for the first book)

• The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure
  
• The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion
  
  I had worried that the first book would be a reiteration of right-wing talking points around safe spaces, but I was surprised to find it a good listen so far. It mentions several cognitive distortions and how cognitive behavioral therapy can overcome them as well. The second book is sympathetic to conservative views and gives a good tour of moral psychology. Really recommend.
  
  Steven Pinker's The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined is also good. Seriously, the world is getting better! Pinker is heavier on the nature side that most lefties, so knowing that may make people more receptive if they won't receive an gender argument without some mention of biology.

There are two books I recommend to everyone who is frustrated and/or saddened by the state of the world and has lost hope for a better future.

The first is The Better Angels of Our Nature by Stephen Pinker. It lays out how violence in human societies has been decreasing for centuries and is still declining.

Despite the prevalence of war and crime in our media, human beings are less likely to suffer violence today than at any point in our prior history. The west suffered an upswing in social violence from the 1970s -1990s, which has since been linked to lead levels, but violence in the west has been declining since the early 90s.

Put simply the world is a better place than most media coverage would have you believe and it's getting better year by year.

The second book I recomend is The Singularity is Near by Ray Kurzweil. It explains how technology has been improving at an accelerating rate.

Technological advances have already had major positive impacts on society, and those effects will become increasingly powerful over the next few decades. Artificial intelligence is already revolutionizing our economy. The average human life span is increasing every year. Advances in medicine are offering hope for previously untreatable diseases.

Basically, there is a lot of good tech coming which will significantly improve our quality of life, if we can just hang on long enough.

Between those two forces, decreasing violence and rapidly advancing technology, the future looks pretty bright for humanity. We just don't hear that message often, because doom-saying gets better ratings.

I don't know what disability you're struggling with but most people have some marketable skills, i.e. they aren't "worthless". Based on your post, you clearly have good writing/communicating skills. That's a rare and valuable trait. You could look into a career leveraging those skills (e.g. as a technical writer or transcriptionist) which your disability wouldn't interfere with to badly (or which an employer would be willing to accommodate).

As for being powerless to change the world, many people feel that way because most of us are fairly powerless on an individual level. We are all in the grip of powerful forces (social, political, historical, environmental, etc.) which exert far more influence over our lives than our own desires and dreams.

The books I recommended post convincing arguments that those forces have us on a positive trend line, so a little optimism is not unreasonable. We may just be dust on the wind, but the wind is blowing in the right direction. That means the best move may simply be to relax and enjoy the ride as best we can.

From the right-hand side sidebar ----->>>

• OFFICIAL 2011 Holiday kit recommendation $50 and less - Double edge.
  
• OFFICIAL 2011 Holiday kit recommendation $100 - Double edge
  
• OFFICIAL 2011 Holiday kit recommendation $200 cap - Double edge
  
  If you've not seen, take a look at these couple of posts from cathartica:
  
  
• The Cheapest Kit Components that are Still Good. Compiled from an earlier post.
  
• Unofficial Wicked_Edge "DO NOT BUY" list.
  
  Also if you've not seen, take a look at this post: Recommendations for a birthday gift?
  
  Below is taken from that same post (edited to read more "general")...
  
  For what it's worth, listed below is my suggested "DE Starter Kit" (links to vendors are only there to help you see the item mentioned, not a recommendation of the vendor one-way or the other):
  
  
• Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving - Fifth Edition: Shaving Made Enjoyable
  
• Pre-shave soap:
  
  • Get Ready! 5 Pre-Shave Soaps That Really Work
    
  • Surprisingly good pre-shave soap, $1.89 at Whole Foods
    
  • Help keep overall cost down, pick up one of the following bars of soap, easy to pick up at local shops:
    
    • Clearly Natural - Glycerine (Unscented)
      
    • Dr. Bronner - Baby Mild (Unscented)
      
    • Neutrogena Facial Cleansing (Fragrance Free)
      
    • Whole Foods 365 Vegetable Glycerine (Unscented)
      
• Shaving brush:
  
  • Omega 11047 Mixed Badger/Boar Loft - Mighty Midget
    
  • Omega 40033 Boar - Mighty Midget
    
  • Omega 50068 Boar - Bambino
    
  • Vie-Long - 12705 Horse Hair
    
  • If budget allows:
    
    • Frank Shaving - Badger Hair
      
    • Lijun Shaving - Badger Hair
      
    • Simpsons Wee Scot - Best Badger
      
    • Vie-Long - 13061 Horse Hair
      
• Edwin Jagger DE8... razor (or MÜHLE equivalents)
  
• 4 to 6 packs of blades, each pack a different brand, or a "small to mid" sample pack - you really need 2 blades (minimum) of each type to carryout a fair test... eg
  
  • The Wise Fools DE Sampler Pack (6 brands/36 blades)
    
  • The Elite Eight Sampler (8 Brands/45 blades)
    
  • BullGoose MVP Blade Sample Pack 40 Blades
    
• Shaving cream or soap:
  
  • J.M. Fraser's Original Shaving Cream
    
  • Arko Shave Stick
    
  • Figaro Shave Soap
    
  • Palmolive Classic Shave Stick
    
  • Speick Shave Stick
    
  • Or pick up a handful of cream and soap samples from Garry's Sample Shop
    
• Post-shave:
  
  • My Nik Is Sealed or Pacific Shaving Company Nick Stick
    
  • Alum Block
    
  • Help keep overall cost down, pick up a bottle of Nivea for Men Sensitive Post Shave Balm (alcohol free) or Thayers Witch Hazel (alcohol free), both are "relatively" cheap, easy to pick up at a local shop, and receive their fair share of positive recommendations here on Wicked_Edge. On the other hand, if you wish to try something a little different, go here and look at some alternatives, again easy to pick up at local shops.
    
    Except for an Alum block and (maybe) "Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving..." book I would argue everything else listed is essential for someone starting out in DE wetshaving (if they wish to have the best possible experience with the least amount of kit). That said:
    
    
• I'd recommend anyone at least try an Alum block. I wouldn't be without one now...
  
• I believe a strong case could be made for the book to be considered essential for someone starting out, as it helps clear up a lot! of questions, misconceptions people can have about DE wetshaving.
  
  Keep in mind there are cheaper, but still recognised good pieces of DE kit available eg If money is tight, consider swapping out the Edwin Jagger razor for the cheaper Lord L6 razor.
  
  With the above "DE Starter Kit" I've tired my best to present (very) good quality products that fall within/under "reasonable" prices.
  
  Good luck, and I hope the above helps a little...

People love to give advice on sleeping patterns, how to take care of baby, what baby needs and they love to build diaper cakes. But no one really prepares you for how to take care of yourself and I’ve found that’s where my biggest deficits are despite months of meticulous planning. So the books I like focus on pregnancy and post partum transitions as well. Happy healthy momma, happier healthier baby.

The Fourth Trimester

The Fourth Trimester: A Postpartum Guide to Healing Your Body, Balancing Your Emotions, and Restoring Your Vitality https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611804000/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_sT1wCbXZWZY32

And I’m currently reading Strong As A Mother. I really like it so far. It has three sections, pregnancy, the first year, and continuing motherhood. I’m having some struggles with mood and having a two week old alone since my husband is always on trips for work and that I didn’t have a great birth experience. Lots of help from other moms and their stories

Strong As a Mother: How to Stay Healthy, Happy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood: The Only Guide to Taking Care of YOU! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250105587/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_TW1wCb8KTC08A

I got the expectant father for my husband. He referenced it a lot the first half of my pregnancy when doctors appointments were more spread out and he was like wtf is happening to your nipples, why are you eating that, why are you crying? You know, stuff that you don’t always anticipate or think about

The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be https://www.amazon.com/dp/0789212137/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mY1wCb9XR6Q7P

Good luck and congratulations!

I heard someone say once that you need to understand the rules before you can break them the right way. Anyway, I found these books helpful. I would never adhere to their advice exactly, but I did learn a lot from all of them and combine it with my own personal style:

John Gardner - The Art of Fiction

A bit dated, but it still does a good job of laying out what it means to write fiction. He has some good suggestions for exercises at the end.


Anne LaMott - Bird By Bird

Half craft, half inspirational. I'm not usually big on sappy, inspirational shit, but I loved this book and found it very helpful.


James Bonnet - Stealing Fire From the Gods

Focuses on the elements of great stories in film and books.


John Trimble - Writing With Style

This is a great overview of the technical side of writing well. The best I have found.


The main thing though: READ A LOT OF FICTION. You should read much more than you write. No one ever became a great writer by sitting around and reading about writing, but it can help you zero in on what to look for in the fiction of others.

Hope that helps.

Not married - or engaged (but you know that).

However, I'm guessing that part of the reason people are telling you that you'll regret not having a wedding is because THEY would regret not having (or not having had) a wedding. That has nothing to do with you. If eloping feels like the right choice for the two of you, then DO IT!

There will probably be some people who are disappointed or hurt if you elope (and not just because they are missing out on the free booze). Some people really love weddings, and want to share that moment of joy for the two of you. But just because some people may be disappointed or hurt doesn't mean that eloping is the wrong choice. Just go into it with your eyes open.

I bought this book (sad, I know, considering I am not yet engaged) and it has a few really lovely passages on elopement.

>With elopements, even more than with regular weddings, you have to come face-to-face with the fact that your decisions might upset people in your lives. And that's hard. Part of getting married is forming a new family unit and prioritizing the needs of that new family. Lindsay Whitfield wrote her parents a letter explaining their choice to elope, and said, "I hoped that they would understand that we were doing things in a way that was right for us," In a sense, this is true whether you elope or not. But knowing that does not make it easy to deal with hurt feelings. Jessica Flaherty said, "I am relatively unfazed, and I am still married despite the limited discontent. I appreciate that people may be disappointed to not share our day with us, but I hope they all know they were there in spirit." Even with some family displeasure, for women who went with their heart, the rewards of eloping were worth the limited pain. Lindsay Whitfield told me that even a year later, when having trouble sleeping at night she would "replay our wedding day in my head and smile myself to sleep."

>Elopement is not for the faint of heart. It takes firmness of purpose to fly in the face of Everything That Is Expected and run off to get married with no fuss and no bother. But if you know in your heart of hearts that elopement is for you? Be brave. And remember that you can throw a huge party later to celebrate your marriage, and you can throw an anniversary party any year that you want to celebrate what really matters--the family you made together.

Anyway. Search your gut. If your gut is telling you to elope, do it. And if not, don't. (If you'd rather have your friends and family there and it's just about the money, have a small wedding. And if you do that, buy the book I just linked to, because it's really quite wise about all the other stuff, not just elopement.)

Here are some of the resources I've read, and what I think about them:

• Transgender 101: A good introduction covering a lot of what you mention above. It's more focused on the transsexual experience, though. Non-binary identities and others under the "transgender" umbrella get their own chapter, but it's stuck at the back of the book. Chapter 6 has a really good section on whether transgender should be considered a mental disorder, and talks about the insurance issue.
  
  
• Whipping Girl: Although it's not too hard to get through, I'd consider this to be "advanced reading" for those who already have a grounding in basic trans thinking/terminology. I really enjoyed it and agree with many of Serano's arguments, but it's less textbook and more opinion piece (although Serano has also written a number of academic papers for respected journals). It's mainly focused on the MTF transsexual experience.
  
  
• True Selves: You might hear this one mentioned in lists of good trans books, but it's now 20 years old, is very heavily weighted toward a limited view of the transexual experience, and it defends the gatekeeper mentality. I'd honestly avoid it, unless you're interested in reading about how things used to be, in which case I'd highly recommend Harry Benjamin's The Transsexual Phenomenon (who knew that people used to be arrested just for crossdressing?). Don't show that one to your professor!
  
  
• WPATH Standards of Care v7: Presents a good overview of gender non-conformity and dysphoria with references to contemporary research. Written for a medical/academic audience but easy enough for a general audience to understand too. Focuses significantly on mental health aspects of transgender and medical transition options. The standards of care seem to have become more liberal with each new version, to the extent that they're now presented as guidelines rather than hard rules and are approaching the "informed consent" approach. Still, they're an example of the gatekeeping approach, which some people are dead against.
  
  
• National Geographic magazine gender special edition: Has some good stories covering the whole range of transgender people (i.e. talks about non-binary identities as well as the traditional transsexual experience). Also interesting is the wide discussion of gender issues in various world cultures, although this is of less relevance to what you're looking for.
  
  Obviously there's a lot more out there, and I'm sure others can add to this and/or argue with my take on the above list. This is just some of my admittedly limited reading - please don't take this in any way as an authoritative list of the best resources!
  
  I'd be careful relying on websites and blog posts for information. You need to be critical of the authors' credibility and biases, and there is a lot of poorly-researched, poorly-written stuff out there, some of which is downright wrong, made-up, nonsensical or hateful (I've read a lot on Blanchard's typology and the paraphillia/fetish view of transsexualism, and I'd advise you to avoid it at all costs!). On the other hand, I'd say don't stick entirely to books and academic papers, because there are a lot of interesting thoughts/perspectives from those in the community who don't write books or publish papers.

Optimistic guest list & budget first.

• Optimistic guest list:
  All the family & friends you would love to invite if money and space were no object. Get them all in there, all the cousins, first cousins once removed, second cousins, grand aunts/uncles, family friends, college friends, high schools friends, etc. etc. Use this as your first draft to start narrowing down later for your final list. It's helpful to start noting who are "Must Invite"s, "Really Want"s, and "Not Necessary"s now, but this step can wait until later - Labeling sounds harsh, but if you have a first draft of 300+ guests and can't afford that, then you have some tough decisions to make sooner or later, and no one needs to know they were ever even on the first draft as a Not Necessary.
  
  
• Initial Budget:
  First part is to figure out: Who's paying? Your parents? Your SO's parents? Both parents? You guys? A combination of contributions? Have the money talk. It's only awkward if you make it awkward - there are plenty of resources online that will help you approach this subject with your families.
  If you decided to go with paying for it yourselves, start figuring out how much you each can put away each month. Set a rough timeline (e.g. Fall 2018), find out how much you can save by the end of that timeline. Not comfortable with the number? Time to consider pushing the timeline out and seeing what that number would look like.
  
  This is really to get a sense of the amount you can afford. The step after this is researching your options.
  
  

1. Sit down with your SO and discuss what sort of wedding you'd like.
   
   A courthouse wedding?
   An intimate 20-person wedding at your favorite local pub?
   A grand Catholic Church wedding with 200 guests at a swanky downtown hotel?
   A wedding on a ranch?
   A rustic barn wedding?
   A tropical destination wedding?
   
   
2. After getting an idea what you'd like you can begin researching the cost of that kind of wedding. Ask people you know who have weddings that you liked; if you ask respectfully many are just fine sharing what their budget was.
   
   If it turns out the wedding you really wished for is way out of your price range, then by now you should start being able to assess the cost in your area. You can pivot and go a different route for something that's in your budget, or begin prioritizing things as are important and less important to you to decide where you can slash your budget and save costs. (e.g. Save ~$400 by going with paperless Save the Dates and Invitations, do Online RSVPs, get a pre-owned wedding gown, etc.)
   
   
3. Begin slimming down your guest list - one of the simplest ways to cut costs, and one of the most difficult things to do.
   
   ---
   
   I'm getting a little ahead, don't be overwhelmed - you'll learn things in stages, and the more you learn the more questions you'll have. You'll start getting a feel for the terminology and things may begin to feel a little more comfortable.
   
   Some thoughts on the Initial Budget
   
   

• If your families offer to contribute a monetary sum, beware: if your families are drama prone or manipulative they will use this against you. They will feel entitled to not only having their opinions and suggestions heard, but have them acted upon regardless if it's what you wished for your wedding. You can, and should, set boundaries early - but it will not change anything if they have a history of acting in such a matter.
  
• Do not go into debt for your wedding. Do not take out a personal loan. Do not put massive charges on a credit card that you aren't able to pay off in a timely manner.
  
  Other, less stressful, starting points:
  
  
• Start browsing Pinterest for theme and color ideas, dress looks, cakes, venue decor, bridal hair, etc. You'll end up forgetting about 98% of these, but it's a nice way to fill the time.
  
• Pick up some planning guides or books; one that is recommended here is A Practical Wedding. Start reading or check out articles online to get a sense of what all is involved.
  
• Lurk Weddit! And post! Ask questions, contribute in conversations.
  
  Small advice: When you're browsing options and upset at settling on something due to price, schedule, practicality, etc. remember this - your guests will never know what an option could have been, they will only know what you went with. They will not be comparing the options, and have no chance to be upset. Don't get hung up on something out of reach.

Hey OP. First time dad here. My little girl is 8 days old. I saw my dad every other weekend growing up. So 52 days a year with your old man is not a lot of time. Especially when he’d end up working on your weekends anyway.

When I found out the wife was pregnant I was in your shoes. Scared. How do I be a good dad when I never really had one? I am one of the first of my friends to be a dad.

The answer for me is partially trust your instincts and trust your partner. Parenting is a team effort. So far it has been more me supporting my wife than actually caring for the child. Why? Because she’s 8 days old. All she does is sleep, poop, and eat. Sleeping is obviously pretty hands off, unless she’s rolled onto her belly. Poops I can help with, diaper duty gets me involved with my little girl, helps reinforce that I am responsible for her in every way.

It’s eating where my views changed. I’m a man, I do not posses milk making breasts for the child. Research has shown that breastfeeding babies is the best option for them, and that means straight from the breast. If you try to bottle feed (even if it’s breast milk in the bottle) it could interfere with how your baby patches on to mom. All that is a long way to say I sit and watch for 66% of my babies life so far. So I take this time to try to be the best husband I can.

I’m on paternity leave right now so I have time. I offer to get my wife anything and everything I can to make her comfortable, so she can feed the baby and not worry. So she can also nap when the baby is asleep.

I don’t have much insight on dance classes, or her making friends, or dating. What I do have is a week’s experience and I can tell you with the upmost confidence that you need to be there for your spouse as much as your baby.

Also I recommend a book “The Expectant Father” it has gone good insight into what your spouse is going through and what you can do.

TLDR: Trust your gut, do what you can, accept what you can’t, and be there for your wife.

I’m expecting my second, and the “company line” around here for any request to see baby is, “we’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors.” It reassures them that they’ll be allowed over, but keeps it on OUR terms. My MIL, who is pretty great most of the time, came over nearly every day for the first two weeks when my first kid was born. She usually brought food, and was pleasant to visit with, but I was tired, breastfeeding, sore, and just generally not in a good state for visiting. This time, I’ll be all that, and chasing a toddler, so boundaries are a top priority.

As far as being a good dad- you’ll be great. My husband has never been around babies, and his own dad isn’t very hands-on. He walked into parenthood with no practical experience. Between my own experience level, a few good parenting books like this, and realizing that babies aren’t as fragile as he thought, he’s practically a pro at this point. Our goal has always been to make sure he’s as capable a parent as I am, and I think we’ve reached that goal. Our daughter adores him, he knows what he’s doing, and he’s honestly better at getting her to go to sleep at night. I just went out of town for a weekend, leaving the two of them home alone, and everything was perfectly fine. My daughter was less upset about me being gone than she was about him leaving for work on Monday morning. (That stung a bit.) My point is- you’re already focusing on being a good dad, and you will be. What you don’t know yet, you’ll learn, and you’ll build a great bond with your kid.

MIL can suck eggs.

>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.


I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.


Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.


>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.


Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.


If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.


>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.


Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.


>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.


Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.


Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:

The Selfish Gene

The Moral Landscape

The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined

Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?


Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

The Female Brain

The Male Brain

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

What Do Women Want

Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)

Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed


Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:

How Pleasure Works

Freakonomics

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

Thinking Fast And Slow

We Are All Weird


Developmental Psychology:

Nurture Shock

Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives


Empathy Building:


Half The Sky

The House On Mango Street

Me Before You

The Fault In Our Stars

Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.



Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.



All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.

I'll try to answer as many of these as best I can from the other side (just had our son in July).

1. My understanding is that at home pregnancy tests are fairly reliable. It's unlikely it's a false positive but you'll know for sure tomorrow.
   
   
2. It is normal to be both nervous and excited. My wife and I had planned to try for our son for a while before we started and when we got the confirmation I was both thrilled and incredibly nervous. It's a big change so it's totally normal to have some concerns. But it's a really great change as well.
   
   
3. As to questions at the doctor, we mostly asked about what the steps are from the doctor's perspective for going through the pregnancy. The Bump has a list of questions to ask at your first prenatal visit here that you can use as a guide to start if you want but depending on how early it is there may not be a ton of information for you at this point. You'll have plenty of time to ask extra questions at future visits too. I'd recommend starting a Google Doc with any questions you think up randomly so you'll have them all somewhere when you go to the doctor. As far as planning for a baby, for me just learning about the process of pregnancy was a good place to start. You'll need to look at finances, sleeping arrangements and other stuff too at some point but a good first place to start for me was what's going to be potentially happening for the next 9 months. I found The Birth Partner and The Expectant Father to be great resources for me to understand what was happening and how I could help.
   
   
4. Whatever you're feeling is appropriate. It's totally ok to be nervous but you don't need to freak out too much. You'll be able to handle whatever comes your way on this. The fact that your already reaching out for info is a good sign you'll be able to figure out what you need when you need.
   
   Congrats!

I've read so many books that I honestly cannot say that any particular one is the most important. However, here's a list of really good ones:

• Starting Strength. Mark Rippetoe. I've read all three editions. The books have greatly influenced the way I lift, especially in the obvious sense of proper form for barbell lifts.
  
  
• Practical Programming For Strength Training. Mark Rippetoe and Lon Kilgore. Simple explanations of a lot of things related to training even nutrition.
  
  
• Beyond Bodybuilding. Pavel Tsatsouline. Amazing book filled with numerous lifts with the goal of using strength training to develop mass.
  
• Relax Into Stretch and Super Joints by Pavel as well. If you have issues with mobility or flexibility, these books are awesome.
  
• 5 3 1. Jim Wendler. I'm fairly certain the majority of people know what this is, but if you haven't read it, I encourage reading both editions and the one for powerlifting, especially if you're running 5/3/1 right now. All three books are a huge resource for determining how to program assistance and conditioning.
  
• Easy Strength. Pavel and Dan John This was a great read. It was filled with tons of things from articles written by Dan John as well as just a massive look at how to appropriately program strength training for people at numerous levels.
  
• 4 Hour Body. Tim Ferriss. This was an amazing read. It, like Pavel's Power to the People, was a great read on complete minimalism of training towards a goal.
  
  I've read so many more books than that. Since these are the only ones that I can think of off the top of my head, I'd say that they are the ones that have made the biggest impression from reading them.

I started intermittent fasting since my first year at college ten years ago. I was never a fan of breakfast and my mom couldn’t force me to eat, so I stopped. Never had any negative side effects in terms of sport performance. You should be fine. Just make sure you are well rested. You can’t out eat sleep.
Actually, I do not intend to lose weight. My goal for now is recomp. Read this excellent article by Jordan Feigenbaum: http://www.barbellmedicine.com/584-2/
I use to be too scared to gain weight. This is because I use to weigh 235lb before going down to 165lb. I lost all of it with a combination of cycling and caloric deficit. However, because of my fear to gain weight, it also hampered my ability to weight train optimally. For strength training, around 17% to 20% body fat is ideal. Now that I am around 25% body fat and severely detrained, I will take this opportunity restart Starting Strength. I will probably go from 25% to 17% fat by the time I am finished with my linear progression or intermediate progression, but my weight fluctuation would be minimal. This is the intermediate program I used back when I was cycling. It is a split Texas Method routine: http://i.imgur.com/cmerDTv.png
If you are interested in learning on how to create your own program to fit your goals, I think this is the best book in the market. It is all I ever used: https://www.amazon.com/Practical-Programming-Strength-Training-Rippetoe/dp/0982522754
I view fasting as a tool, not a lifestyle. I don’t really see fasting as a proper tool for a linear program like Starting Strength since eating aids recovery and adaption. Remember that part of training is about the stress, recovery, adaption cycle. However, after I finish Starting Strength and my intermediate programming, and I still have fat to shed, than I can see 5:2 and/or PSMF being useful.
I find /r/fitness to be too bodybuilding centric to be useful for my goals. It is a good outlet for motivation to see transformations, but I don’t think I ever actually learned anything useful. Just like any subreddit really, there is too much noise and not enough signal. But no, I don’t think /r/fitness would receive fasting well at all because most of the sources they listen to are “bodybuilders”, and the last thing those guys want to do is a multiday water fast, which is correct.

Number one, take a deep breathe and tell yourself that you are still you. You haven’t suddenly changed into someone else, you haven’t lost you’re identity. You aren’t bpd. You have bpd.

Number two, but these two books: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_Uk80Ab8EPAW4R
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for You... https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1936268868/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_tl80AbV4W8531

They will be super useful for your dbt. And make sure you do dbt! It’s life changing and is honestly the biggest, best treatment.

Number Three: ask yours loved ones to do their research. There are tons of great books out there, if they can understand your disorder they can be a support for you.

I hope this helps. I just know those are things I wish I had known a lot sooner.

EDIT: Whole point was to say, the better you take care of your curls the longer they will grow, and the better they will look. Better care = less split/broken ends = more perceived length. :D

Hey there! Newish to Reddit, forgive my inevitable mistakes. If you're ready to embrace you're curly side, be prepared. It'll take a while for your hair to get used to being natural again, especially depending on the type of curl. No straightening, no blow drying without a diffuser, heck you should even get a microfiber towel (or use a t-shirt/paper towel). That'll all help your hair transition smoothly into being curly again, and minimize the "poof" that comes with it. (Especially since depending on where you are, it's about to get pretty humid over the summer. Then again I'm in FL)

I found that my first step to embracing my curl was picking up this book Although Lorraine now runs her own line of curly-centric cutteries and produces her own hair products, the Devachan line, she gives a great breakdown of different types of curls and how best to treat each one.

My second step was a proper haircut. Thankfully I live pretty close to a Devachan certified gentleman and could shell out his price. If you don't, ask around at local salons and see who has experience in cutting curly hair. MAKE SURE they cut it dry. Curls react best when you cut by curl "family", or the groupings of hair that form each curl, and when they are dry. You've no doubt noticed that when your hair is wet it's longer and less springy, and it does unpredictable things when you dry it? Why get a haircut that way? Cutting it dry lets the stylist see each curl family and judge how to cut them accordingly.

My third step was finding products that worked for me. I'm caucasian and have very fine "s'wavy" hair according to Lorraine's terminology. This means it gets pretty darn curly depending on the humidity and product used, but doesn't have much spring to it (only 1-2 inches). So right now, I've switched to using "No-poo", which is a cleanser without all the nasty parabens, sulfates, etc which create a lather. Lathers may make you think they're cleansing your hair, but based on research I'm too lazy to find right now, actually start weakening it. With curly hair, this weakening means frizz and more frizz. :/ I do use the Deva line just because it's the only thing I've found, but I'm sure there are better cost-effective brands out there.

Drying technique is also a big deal. I used to ruffle my hair in a towel and comb through it just like my mom (straight hair) taught me. BAD. BAAAAD. That leads to frizz. For curly hair, it's best to use a less abrasive drying surface (microfiber, tshirt, paper towel, etc) and the following technique:

Flip your head upside down in the shower. Bring your curls to the front.
Scrunch upward with your preferred drying surface, holding for 3-5 seconds to get the moisture out while still preserving the shapes of your curls.
Tilt your head on one side, repeat, and then the other. Get the most moisture out of your hair as possible.

Then, styling product. Gels are claimed to be the best for curly hair. Again, I'm using Deva, but looking forward to trying other paraben, sulfate, etc. free brands like Ms. Jessie's. For my thin s'wavy hair I take half-a-palm-ful of gel and the same amount of leave in conditioner, and make that same upward-scrunching motion to spread the mix through my hair and saturate the curl.

Then I tip my head back and let air dry. You may choose to use a diffuser, I'm not much help there unfortunately. I've had good luck with a bowl diffuser with finger-tip protusions, set on low air/medium heat, and holding close to the scalp. Whatever you do you want to prevent frizz, so try not to get too hot/too much hair flow/too much movement of the diffuser.

Once your hair is dry you can gently scrunch upward with your hands again to "break" the gel cast, leaving you (theoretically) with soft, manageable curls. I haven't hit that stage yet with my routine, but I'm working on it. :)

PM me with any questions. Sorry about the novel. :/

TL;DR: Curly Girl!

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)

Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.

Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.

Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.

The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.

The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.

That should give you more than enough to chew on.

It sounds like living with your dad might be the best of those 3 options. You'll still be in contact with the girl you like but you wont be challenged with as many changes. BPD is EXHAUSTING, I know. I find that the solution that is driven as equally as possible by both logic and emotion fits best. Suicide may seem like a good third option, but remember that there is always a possibility for even more options than you listed. I would sometimes confront that idea with "I''m pretty sure I've explored every option and angle and this is all I got", and I did....with the information I had at the time. Group therapy helped me with finding more options to help solve my problem from my peers and from the ppl running the group. I think it's important to be open to gathering up more information on what you can do and what support you can get. This forum is the perfect place!

Also, Dialectical Behavioral therapy (DBT) is extremely usefull in treating BPD. You can find a number of online resources and workbooks to help you. There are also DBT group therapies out there that take insurance or do sliding scale. I'll link the books below. Some of the worksheets inthese books can be found on forums or other websites for free, uploaded by wonderful ppl that just wanna give ppl access to something helpful.

Book 1: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_C12QybM6GZ5PF

Book 2 (my personal fav): The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_w22Qyb6Y42T7S

Your hair looks super thick and healthy! So kudos for that. I would suggest that you get a copy of this book and follow her recommendations. It will change your hair. I was given a copy of it five or six years ago and I've never looked back. My hair went from frizzy mess to beachy waves. I didn't know it was possible!

Some tips I've learned along the way:

• Don't use a brush. Ever. Use combs, and only when your hair is wet. I comb my hair in the shower, either while the conditioner is in or just after I rinse it out. Then I don't comb it again until the next washing, unless I'm planning on braiding it - then it won't matter if I comb the waves into fluff because it'll be tied back anyway.
  
  
• Don't blow dry it. All that does is create more frizz. Let it air dry, and before you do, scrunch some product into it that is designed for curly or wavy hair. If you must blow dry your hair, use a diffuser on a low heat setting; it's much more gentle.
  
  
• Don't tousle it dry. Squeeze it gently.
  
  
• Switch shampoo and conditioners. Find a brand that is SLS-free. I love Live Clean; it's got a full range of products for all different kinds of hair needs, and they're all SLS-free. That stuff is super hard on your hair - very drying. Curly hair is a bit on the dry side to begin with; increasing the dryness by using what amounts to dish detergent on your hair isn't going to do it any favours! Your hair may be a bit oily/flat looking for the first few weeks while your scalp adjusts; if you currently use shampoo with SLS, your scalp is accustomed to producing extra oil to replace the oils that are being stripped from it by your shampoo. It takes a few weeks for it to "catch up" and get used to not being stripped dry. Don't give up! It will get better; if it doesn't, then it could be that the shampoo is leaving a residue on your scalp and it's time to find another SLS-free brand (been there, done that - Jason Naturals left my hair looking super gross because of the residue it left on my scalp).
  
  
• Shampoo only your roots. Leave the ends. Having suds rinse over them when you rinse the shampoo out will be enough to clean them. Scrubbing them with shampoo disrupts the curl pattern.
  
  I would also suggest a trim...you look like you could use a couple inches taken off the ends. Curly hair does well with layers. Also, you should totally get on the blue dye idea!! It would look awesome. The ladies at /r/fancyfollicles could help you with that. Plenty of 'em have wild hair. Manic Panic makes awesome dyes...Atomic Turquoise is my favourite! If you leave it in for a few hours the colour lasts a good long time.

Yeah, has he ever tried making lather with a brush and shaving soap/cream? It's a great part of the wetshaving experience, it's what actually makes it "wetshaving". Barbasol is fine and some guys like to use it but most of us prefer warm lather.

I would suggest a shaving brush, boar is okay but badger is better. Quality/softness/desirability usually goes boar -> pure/black badger -> silvertip badger. Omega brand is decent and cheap but Edwin Jagger is better and Simpson the best.

Then you need some shaving soap or cream. There's a nice list of artisanal soapmakers in the wiki. My current fav is Barrister & Mann but I can also recommend Honeybee Soaps, Kell's Original, Mike's Natural, and QED.

You might also get him a sampler pack of DE blades. Believe it or not but different brands do better/worse for different guys. The $10 blades he's using might be fine for his face but then he might try a different brand and find it makes a huge difference in the comfort of his shave.

You could also get him Leisureguy's book on wetshaving. It has tons of good info in there that he never knew he didn't know.

Teach yourself that writing and editing are two phases. In the first, your job is to write. Get the story out of your head and on paper (or on screen). If the internal editor tells you to change something, tell her to shut up; she'll get her chance later.

In other words, write a shitty first draft. Tell yourself that it's okay to be shitty. I have been making a damned fine living as a writer for 25 years, and I promise you that my first drafts are still crap. (Not as crap as they used to be, but I assure you: They are crap.)

And that is fine. Because your initial role is to TELL THE STORY.

Once the story is written, then you can edit it. Then you can step back and see what does and doesn't work. Only then can you see what is and isn't "perfect" (yeah right, like there is any such thing). You can't see that when you're too close to it, anyhow. It's like a painter who's standing on top of the painting; you need to take a few steps back to see what really shows up.

And then, I promise you, you can enjoy it. (I love editing far more than I love writing.)

Best book for helping your drum this into your own head is Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird. You'll say, "OMG she is writing about me!" and also you will laugh out loud, I promise you.

Man or woman?

Man or woman?

Man or woman?

Man or woman?

Man or woman?

Hint! They are all men. Men who learned to write stylish, flowing, neat letters. Beautiful script and prose. A time when both men and women (educated) were expected to have exemplary writing skills. That is not to say that there wasn't people with bad writing...but these men are not going against the cultural grain...they are with the cultural expectations of that time period.

> but I think most people would understand what's being talked about and be able to picture it in their heads.

Would a man from India have the same image? A woman from rural China? A boy from Russia? A girl from Peru? The image in your head of what is "girls writing" is culturally derived. Other cultures will have other ideas of what constitutes a male or female writing style...or perhaps none at all (e.g. there is no gender/sex divide).

> Children usually display "boyish" or "girlish" behavior from a very young age (e.g. favoring toy trucks over dolls) independently of parenting style.

You forget that parents only form a part of what influences a child as they grow. Media, culture, friends, family, teachers are all avenues for promoting cultural stereotypes.

> I think the simplest explanation here is that young girls are more likely to be concerned with having attractive handwriting and so they make an effort to improve it, typically by borrowing from the writing style of other girls, who happen to favor neat, round, and pretty shapes.

Where is that concern derived from? Do all girls inherently want neat writing? What would be the biological mechanism - a specific gene, neurotransmitter? Is it simply because girls develop fine-motor skills earlier on? Are those early years really that formative, we can't teach a dog new tricks?


I really recommend the book Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine as an introduction this topic. "Drawing on the latest research in neuroscience and psychology, Cordelia Fine debunks the myth of hardwired differences between men’s and women’s brains, unraveling the evidence behind such claims as men’s brains aren’t wired for empathy and women’s brains aren’t made to fix cars. She then goes one step further, offering a very different explanation of the dissimilarities between men’s and women’s behavior. Instead of a “male brain” and a “female brain,” Fine gives us a glimpse of plastic, mutable minds that are continuously influenced by cultural assumptions about gender."

Pretty ring! If I were you, I'd put the band away and save it to use for a wedding band. Then your to-do list is one down already.

You don't have to do a dance reception. You also don't have to invite everyone you can think of. If you keep it small, and are very selective about what traditions are important to you (e.g. maybe cake is a must-have, but it's not important to you to have a ballgown), then you can definitely do it for 10k. Maybe an outdoor ceremony followed by dinner at a ritzy restaurant? Or a church ceremony with a champagne brunch? A Practical Wedding by Meg Keene was really helpful when we started planning - you should both read it. Throw it on your Christmas list - my mom LOVED being able to buy me something wedding-related so soon after our December engagement last year. :)
I'd also highly recommend planning as a team. People say that your engagement is indicative of how you'll function in your marriage. It kills me to see posts of brides who feel isolated and overworked because their partners aren't interested in helping at all. The wedding is not a surprise party for the groom!

Edit: I should also add that the dedicated email has been awesome. We both put the account on our phones, so when a vendor emails back, we're both in the loop. We also set up a Google voice number to give out at expos and venue open houses. It forwards to my number and makes it easy to screen cold calls, but I can still answer calls from important vendors.

100% agree with u/funmamareddit , support each other. Try not to take frustrations out on one another. Don't take it out on the baby either. This happens more than you would think. Don't shake the baby, or squeeze the baby, or hyper-speed rock the baby. The hospital actually made us watch and sign an affidavit that we watched an informational video on Shaken Baby Syndrome Prevention.

My wife felt that she, as the mother, was 100% responsible for everything. Learn to support her and let her know that you are both in it together and that you wouldn't want to do it with anyone but her. Every parents needs are different. Things like changing diapers, making bottles, and bathing your child will become mundane after a couple of weeks. Knowing how to talk to a person and to put them at ease can take a while so start practicing if you have not already.

Accept that your home will be a little topsy-turvy for a while. If she is the one that cleans, cooks, makes coffee, does the laundry, shops for groceries, or does the dishes, start taking over some of those tasks now. Learn how to do the chores you don't know how to do. If your wife is anything like mine, she might put pressure on herself to keep the home like it was before the baby.

Relax. You can't and won't need to know everything right when the baby comes. The best thing you can do now is get to know your wife and help her out with the things she does that you might take for granted.

The Expectant Father also helped me out.

Feel free to PM with any specific questions. Good Luck!

I'm assuming you've used canned goop in the past. Have you ever used the canned cream goop and not the gel goop? You know that nice creamy consistency you get from the cream goop? You -can- get that from a soap/cream combo if you work at your technique. You mentioned having some Col. Conk, so use that + your shaving cream. It's a bit less messy if you're using a tube cream but you can just grab a little dab on your finger.

Face lathering is good if you can pull it off, but your first attempt is definitely not pulling it off.

It's a bit hard to do a super luxorious cream with the $5 walmart boar brush, but with a high quality boar, badger, synthetic, horsehair, etc it gets more natural.

 

Try leisureguy's "super lather" formula (though he may not have come up with it, he's the person I see mentioning it the most and it's in his very good book.

Also, I just posted this pictoral on how to lather. I'm not sure everyone will agree on it, but it really works for me. I made the pictorial BECAUSE of your comment, I wanted you to see what you can do if you practice and get technique down, because while the picture can be deceiving, yours did look dry.

I used a $4 boar for the last couple shots too, just to show that it IS possible to get a GREAT lather out of it, even if you can get a much, much better experience out of a better brush.

One book that may be helpful for answering your questions is Self Made Man. The author spent about 18 months living as a man, in some all-male spaces (the monastery seems cool, but I'm positive that if I went to one of those Iron John camps, I'd be murdered). In the end, she had a nervous breakdown. Along the way she learned totally positively that she is neither a transvestite nor transgender. If Norah (the author) ever comes to Denver, I'd like to buy her a drink.

Two previous links on this subject that I've saved are:

http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/271fnm/changing_sides_in_a_sexist_world_share_your/
http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/2797ax/ftms_how_jarring_is_the_switch_to_the_male_social/
I'm certain that there are others. But I think these anecdotes from people who have been both genders, and the jarring differences that they experience might be something you ought to read. Things like:

> I wouldn't call it the better gender, though things are much easier in a lot of respects. I was recently promoted to electronics at Target. My boss basically said, "you're a guy so you must know a lot about electronics". My female coworker, who obviously knows more about electronics, had to fight tooth and nail to get the same position. She and our boss still but heads occasionally because he treats her as if she is incompetent. I think that's it really. When you're a guy, for the most part you are assumed competent until proven otherwise. With women, the opposite happens. You have to prove yourself competent before you're offered anything.

Another good book that I think you might be interested in is Whipping Girl.

No it's fine, I wouldn't have responded if I wasn't ready for questions. It is extremely schedule-oriented, almost annoyingly so. And it might not be that way for everyone. I had to write down journals for weeks about what I did and when I did it and how often/long. That was tricky to stay on top of. I just had to grit my teeth so to speak and make a point to sit down and do it in a context where I wouldn't get anything else to distract me. I had to switch from digital journals to physical ones so I wouldn't end up wandering the internet for hours instead... If I had to guess this is where most people would find the most difficulty. But what we learned is that I am a creature of habit. Routine. My day has to start with me eating and then showering and getting dressed, and doing it out of order or oversleeping and being unable to do so because I might be running late for work really throws me off. I am trying to add physical exercise to the end of my morning routine but it is difficult in my current living situation. I have actually regressed significantly in my own opinion as my roommates are very... unorganized and constantly wish to wrap me into their impromptu plans and aren't really interested in my reasons as to why that doesn't work for me. It has gotten to the point where I am disrupting that neat and needed schedule to avoid them being able to further disrupt me. However, I am going to be living on my own soon and will be able to dictate my own schedule as needed and be the master of my domain. Or at least that is what I am wish to achieve for myself.

And I don't necessarily have to eat the same thing every day or anything like that, but the breakfast and meals need to be similar in the time the take to prepare at the time I elect best to do so. When I was at my peak progress a few months ago my hardest issue was keeping to a consistant sleep schedule and waking up around the same time as I sometimes just can't sleep. But I am actually quite proud of myself as only some nights I have trouble with that as opposed to most nights. I am hoping once I am set up at the new location I can try to allot some time for... meditating, something I have never been capable of. I hope to use the skill of 'clearing my mind' (whatever that means) to facilitate falling asleep more quickly. Sometimes I stay awake for hours because I am not done thing about whatever happens to enter my thoughts- so nothing in particular so much as the gears just don't wind down when I want them to.

But my biggest growth I have made is not giving myself the 3rd Degree if I slip up or something happens. I have always been worried about being lax with myself that I found I might be more critical of myself that what would be considered healthy.

I had go try a few therapists before I found one that worked for me and was interested in my desire to try a non-medicated approach. If you want to try it I have to say that the journals were honestly the hardest part, but once I could view my own habits as data, I made a lot more sense to myself. But for now it is a serious WIP. And know that life happens and you might find yourself in a situation where it is hard to impossible to provide yourself with the environment you need. But do not give up. Persistence is the name of the game.

Kinda ranted a bit but for once I am actually quite tired and I think I will be able to put my head on my pillow and get right to it. I will be happy to answer more questions.

And lastly, consider this book. It is a great tool for understating yourself and relating to others like yourself, without connecting to the internet and risking extreme distraction. But also make time for goofing around because that is healthy too.

Gender Identity Disorder is still listed in the DSM as a mental disorder. I think there are arguments to be made both ways about whether that's more a good thing or more a bad thing (realistically it's probably some of both).

As far as I understand, it's not at all a disorder in the sense that most psychological disorders are. The issue is that the "disorder" (the dysphoria - a sense of overwhelming wrongness and badness, contrast with "euphoria") is generally caused by a mismatch between a psychological property (the individual's gender) and a set of physical properties (the individual primary and/or secondary sex characteristics) as well as a social property (how the individual is seen and treated by society at large).

So, there is a disorder in the sense that, and to the extent that, this mismatch causes a great deal of suffering in someone's life. But let's take a hypothetical person who was assigned male at birth, who has a penis and male secondary sex characteristics, but who has a female gender. Again, the psychological component of this "disorder" is the female gender - but can we really call having a female gender a mental illness? (Of course, as sexist as our culture can be, perhaps some would like to.. but that's sort of tangential.) And the difference between this "disorder" and at least the vast majority of psychological disorders is that it is, I believe, largely fixable - my understanding is that most trans folks who transition experience are much, much happier afterward; the "disorder" is pretty much solved. And it's important to note that the fix for this is a physical fix, not a mental one - from what I've seen, if you asked most trans people "Hey, if you had a magic wand that would allow you to live your life comfortably as the gender you were assigned at birth, would you use it?" the most common answer would probably be something like "No - why would I want to change who I am?".

Further factors of course include the fact that "mental disorder" is a pretty stigmatizing term, and has a set of connotations that don't really make sense for this issue, and the history of access to hormones and surgery being contingent on the diagnoses of psychologists, some of whom would (and in some places still do) dick people around if they don't hear exactly the narrative they're expecting to hear. On the other hand, I've heard concerns voiced that were it removed from the DSM, it might be harder for trans individuals to get the treatments that they needed, for insurance reasons.

(You can read more on this subject here.)

> Anyway, I was hoping maybe someone could shed a light on what exactly it means to be a "girl" or a "boy"? Is it based on likes/interests/personality/tendencies? I mean, personhood is pretty hard to define already, so how do you define a female person?

That's a tough one to get at, because I think you pretty much have to rely on people's own self-reported experiences, and nobody can get at what other people's experiences are. I can't really answer this one clearly (shit, I'm struggling with my own gender identity as it is), but I can highly recommend to you, if you're interested in reading further on the subject, the book Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. It gets into a lot of stuff about trans issues, the way our culture defines and interacts with gender, the "scapegoating of femininity" (as she puts it), etc. It's also available in Kindle form if you want to pay a little bit less or if you're worried about people asking awkward questions about what you're reading (I read it on my phone, personally, for that reason).

> Will we eventually be recognizing people with multiple personality disorder as multiple people stuck in one body in society?

I doubt it. As far as I've heard, psychology in general isn't even really sure that Dissociative Identity Disorder is a thing at all - it's sort of elusive and hard to demonstrate, and some (maybe a lot?) of people who ostensibly had it turned out to be faking it (see Wikipedia).. On the other hand, if it is a legit thing? Yeah, I think that would be a fair way to treat it. (If that's a subject that interests you, and if you're into hard, gritty sci-fi, allow me to recommend Peter Watts's excellent book Blindsight, which features among other things a character who does indeed have multiple personalities, who are pretty much distinct people.)

I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:

• Meditating: the best way to re-program your brain IMO ("Wherever you go there you are")
  
• Teaching myself Jazz piano
  
• Diet (Here's my diet)
  
• Fitness (Here's my fitness bible)
  
• Career Development (This)
  
• Productivity & Time Management (too many books to mention, OP PM me if you want this list)
  
• Not watching Porn & Masturbating less frequently (Highly recommended /r/NoFap)
  
• No Alcohol
  
  For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
  
  For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
  
  This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
  
  Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
  
  
  Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
  "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
  "Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
  "The Talent Code"
  "Man's Search for Meaning"
  "Flow"
  
  Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
  
  
  (Edit: I suck at formatting)
  
  
  
  
  

Can commiserate about mom being overbearing.

My advice to you (based on your description of your mom maybe this isn't a good idea—but it's what I wish I had done about six months ago) is to have a "boundaries" conversation with your mother. Tell her that you appreciate her input, but that you are going to be making final decisions on things, and she's going to have to deal with it. Nicer than that, but you know. Something along the lines of "all you want is for me to happy, right? Okay, well, I will be much happier if you let me make my own decisions like an adult."

It also might be worth mentioning that weddings are just DIFFERENT now than they were whenever she got married. Trends, and "traditions" come and go, but none of it really MATTERS other than what you want to do, as long as you can afford it.

I also recommend reading A Practical Wedding, and for further reading, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. These books cover the topics of how when people talk about wedding "traditions", they're really only talking about things that have happened specifically in the Western world, mostly in the last 50 years. Brides didn't even wear white until about 100 years ago. The most historically "traditional" wedding you could have would be in the best dress you already own, with some flowers picked from your front garden, and it would take place in your living room.

I can't tell you how many times my mom pulled the "tradition" card during my planning and I called bullshit. It's liberating—try it!

P.S. Sorry for the wall of text...got carried away.

I second the reading idea! Ask your history or science teachers for suggestions of accessible books. I'm going to list some that I found interesting or want to read, and add more as I think of them.

A short history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson. Title explains it all. It is very beginner friendly, and has some very entertaining stories. Bryson is very heavy on the history and it's rather long but you should definitely make every effort to finish it.

Lies my teacher told me

The greatest stories never told (This is a whole series, there are books on Presidents, science, and war as well).

There's a series by Edward Rutherfurd that tells history stories that are loosely based on fact. There are books on London and ancient England, Ireland, Russia, and one on New York

I read this book a while ago and loved it- Autobiography of a Tibetan Monk It's about a monk who was imprisoned for 30 years by the Chinese.

The Grapes of Wrath.

Les Misérables. I linked to the unabridged one on purpose. It's SO WORTH IT. One of my favorite books of all time, and there's a lot of French history in it. It's also the first book that made me bawl at the end.

You'll also want the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, The Federalist Papers.

I'm not sure what you have covered in history, but you'll definitely want to find stuff on all the major wars, slavery, the Bubonic Plague, the French Revolution, & ancient Greek and Roman history.

As for science, find these two if you have any interest in how the brain works (and they're pretty approachable).
Phantoms in the brain
The man who mistook his wife for a hat

Alex and Me The story of a scientist and the incredibly intelligent parrot she studied.

For a background in evolution, you could go with The ancestor's tale

A biography of Marie Curie

The Wild Trees by Richard Preston is a quick and easy read, and very heavy on the adventure. You'll also want to read his other book The Hot Zone about Ebola. Absolutely fascinating, I couldn't put this one down.

The Devil's Teeth About sharks and the scientists who study them. What's not to like?

Huh. Funny bunch of parenting recommendations on here... ಠ_ಠ

Are you interested in early stage development or later ages? There's a ton of stuff out there on both.

Anyways, it's not a book, but definitely start here, it's an awesome article: http://www.quora.com/What-is-the-evolutionary-benefit-or-purpose-of-having-periods/answer/Suzanne-Sadedin?share=1


Aside from "What to Expect when you're expecting" - which is the standard guide - you should definitely check out the Mayo Clinic book. They're the source for medical information of all kinds.


Then there are a ton of books. Seriously, most folks just google "parenting books" and then pick out whichever ones seem to suit them - and by suit them, I mean "which books seem most likely to tell them to parent how they want to parent", so. Beware looking for things which will reinforce your own preconceived (ha! conceived, it's a pun... never mind) ideas on what you should and shouldn't do.

Mostly, just use the basic baby books - they're ok - and get the kid to an age where you're not as afraid it's gonna die in its sleep, and then start doing fun stuff. Like reading to it - the biggest things with babies is that you touch them, hold them, play with them, spend time and attention on them. That's it. That's all they want. Food, clean diapers, and every single scrap of your attention all the time.

Oh yeah, and definitely immunize the little monsters, you don't want to be that person who lets the measles loose in your school and has to deal with the parent of the kid who went deaf from it.


I've been sending books to my sister's kid for ages, so I'll include some links... oh shit, Amazon's gonna be recommending all kinds of pregnancy books to me now because I searched for that Mayo clinic book. Crap.

So I've been sending all kinds of books. Like, books on zen, books on Native American stories, books on everything. Fantasy, mystery, whatever. But books on actual development - meant for kids, but might be interesting to see what people are recommending for kids: The Care and Keeping Of You

The Care and Keeping Of Your Emotions


Aside from all that.... a lot of books are written to say simple things. Be constant with kids and don't give into tantrums, be firm, be reasonable, don't be wishy washy, don't be mean, don't get upset if you can help it, and kids aren't sweet innocent things - they're pretty much psychopathic utter assholes until you teach them not to be.


Other interesting books:

The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog


Born For Love

What's Going On In There? First 5 Years

Pretty much all historical civilizations were sexist, since women were denied fundamental rights in them based on gender. Even if one were to agree with everything else you've written, your final conclusion/suggestion does not follow. I can't think of any significant, historical civilization that might be called non-sexist.

Biology is a fact of nature; you cannot "fight biology". That would be like fighting physics. No matter what you did, the laws of physics would still apply. What you are talking about, such as "scholarships for women only, to get them into areas of technology, engineering", and "specialized programs for boys only to help them in reading & writing" do not in any way fight biology, they leave biology just as it is. However, they do change society. Scholarships are societal creations designed to redistribute access to education, which is another societal creation. Education doesn't grow on trees; human beings artificially created the system of education. Hence, the educational system is an aspect of society, not biology.

The fact that there are some gender differences in the brain, statistically speaking, should be no big surprise. But many popularized studies tend to exaggerate or misinterpret these differences. I would suggest you read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, or Brain Storm: The Flaws in the Science of Sex Differences for a deeper look at these topics. Broadly, a study that shows no differences in how men and womens' brains, on average, perceive a topic won't make a good headline or blog post, so it will be unlikely to be reported compared to one that finds a difference.

Secondly, it's not clear what these differences have to do with social roles. For example, what does the fact that men have more spatial reasoning, on average, mean for social roles exactly? Since there are many intelligent and successful women in programming and engineering fields, and many men who suck in these areas, it does not follow that there is a casual relation between gender and STEM fields. On the other hand, engineering is clearly coded as a masculine profession in society, and girls may be turned away from studying engineering for fear of being seen as unfeminine. Scholarships that seek to counteract that would then be playing a positive role.

Finally, I see an assumption through your post that what is "nature" is automatically good and must be accepted by society. However, the whole point of civilization and society is go beyond nature itself to build something for ourselves, as humans. Is medicine natural? We are programmed to die from birth, yet we still use the medical system to prolong life. Since men are physically stronger than women, should men then dominate women and impose our wishes on them? No, we created a system of laws where all citizens are equal before it because we recognize the equal moral worth of each person. Freedom is the fundamental issue. Humanity as a whole, and individual people for their own lives, must have the freedom to define its own path and create its own society without being told that a certain path is required due to unnecessary extrapolations from natural facts.

I definitely had ADD when I went, I've had it my entire life, but because I lack the 'hyperactive' part, no one would believe me when I said I thought I had it. After reading a bunch of books on the topic, every little thing kept clicking - from my over active imagination, teachers comments on 'she's smart, she just doesn't apply herself,' my dabbling in drug in college...everything! I remember asking my mom in my sophomore year of high school to take me to get tested for ADD but she didn't think I needed to, I just 'needed to study.' I can't help but wonder these days had she listened and took me to the psychologist back then how much differently my life would've been and my career.

To determine if I had ADD, basically I went to the doctor and explained why I thought I had it, and she then recommended a therapist to talk to which I did for about 3 months before I was actually prescribed Vyvanse, and it was another 2 months before we got the dosage right. They made me take some little tests, but mostly it was reading books and telling them what I learned about myself.

I highly recommend you check out "Driven to Distraction" by Halowell - it was the book my therapist told me to check out and after I read it I think I had highlighed like, every line of the book. It was a great determining factor in getting the help I actually needed.

Like I said before, part of getting help is helping yourself and not letting your ADD rule you - which, trust me, I understand is much easier said than done. I have worse days than others where my ADD is almost unmanageable, but I don't let it define who I am or the quality of the work. I just understand it is something about myself that I don't necessarily have control over, and may never have control over, but as long as I accept that, I think I have found a little bit of happiness from it.

I literally read this passage this morning

>An important, and often overlooked part of both learning disabilities and ADD is the social consequence of having them. ADD can interfere with one's interpersonal life just as dramatically as it does with one's academic or job performance. To make friends, you have to be able to pay attention. To get along in a group, you have to be able to follow what is being said in the group. Social cues are often subtle: the narrowing of eyes, the raising of eyebrows, a slight change in tone of voice, a tilting of the head. Often the person with ADD doesn't pick up on these cues. This can lead to real social gaffes or a general sense of being out of it. Particularly in childhood, where social transactions happen so rapidly and the transgressor of norms is dealt with so pitilessly, a lapse in social awareness due to the distractibility or impulsivity of ADD can preclude acceptance by a group or deny understanding from a friend.^1

You're in high school right? high school is a difficult time to be introverted, because everyone demands you live your life a certain way and act a certain way, and anything else makes you an outcast. Get through it. It is difficult, but life isn't like high school. In the real world you won't be interacting only with people within 2 years of your age. you won't be interacting only with people who want to go do things or judge people all the time. There are lots of types of people out there and high school is not a good slice of them. Get through high school, and head to the rest of your life.

It took me a while to realize that being an introvert is fine. Mostly because my fiance is one too. We sat down one day and both said "It's annoying that everyone wants to do things with us, why can't we just be alone with ourselves?". we are both introverts, and we enjoy it this way. Other people may not understand it, but we have fun, we enjoy life, and we have friends. we just don't need to jump every time someone mentions a movie or thing. We just don't need people the way other people do. It is hard to accept, but we came to understand it and are happy with it. It is hard for other people to accept, but we don't really care about that anymore. WE are happy, and that's all that matters.


^1 Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, MD and John J Ratey MD^2: i'm only a chapter in and its a great book. find it and read it.^3

^2 The authors are psychologists and also live with ADD (at least one does, I haven't gotten very far). But they are considered the defining accessible sources on living with ADD.

^3 If you can't focus on a book like this very well, get Answers to Distraction this one is made in a FAQ format in smaller pieces.

I don't know why people on this thread are telling you to wait. I mean if you're OK waiting, well then whatever, go ahead and wait. But it doesn't sound like you're OK with that. If it were me, I'd think about fighting, using reason and information as my weapons. But if you want to use those tools, you need to learn first, and that can take time. You need to educate yourself on what it means to be transgender. That means a lot of reading and information seeking. You need to listen to the stories of other people who have been in your position - and there have been people in your position. You need to learn about techniques they used to get out and find techniques that will work for you.

When I hear trans kids say things like they wish they were dead, it really worries me. I wish that I could do more to help you fight for your life, but all I can really do is point to the path. I hope you take it.

• Pausing puberty aged 12 saved my life: Transgender beauty queen praises her amazing family ahead of BBC documentary on her mission to become Miss England
  
  
• Transsexual Teen, Beauty Queen
  
  
• How Norman Spack transformed the way we treat transgender children
  
  
• WPATH Standards of Care v.7 (2011)
  
  
• Gender Orientation: Intersex Conditions Within The Transsexual Brain
  
  
• The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review
  By Anne Vitale Ph.D. 2003
  
  
• Biased-Interaction Theory of Psychosexual Development: “How Does One Know if One is Male or Female?” (Diamond 2006)
  
  
• Surviving a Gender Variant Childhood: The views of transgender adults on the needs of gender variant children and their parents. Riley 2012
  
  
• The Needs of Gender-Variant Children and Their Parents According to Health Professionals. Riley 2012
  
  
• Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, Serano 2007

Lead by example and let it go from there. Let him ask questions when he's ready. If he asks why doesn't he go to church like his friends do, you can tell him that you don't really believe in God, that you think you and your family are still good people, but would he like some information? Encourage him to ask questions and develop his own opinion.

Here are some resources for you, too.

Website: Atheist Parents

Books: Parenting Beyond Belief and Raising Freethinkers

Good luck, and congrats on your new family! You'll be a great parent. :)

That's called "biotruths", friend, and those are fairly strongly debunked by science. A decent basis in psychology, anthropology, or any of the other social sciences will lead you to notice that nearly all differences in men and women are based in social conditions and the society they are raised in than based on physical differences or hormones. Men are not naturally prone to violence, this is based upon cultural assumptions of gender normatives which forces the penchant for violence upon the child, regardless of the personal family environment of the child.

Remember that there are far greater differences between individuals within a single gender than there are between individuals in separate genders. A good way of thinking of this is to imagine that we have put numerical differences upon the traits and men score around 1 - 85 and women score around 15 - 100. Sure, there are differences, but there's so much variety within the genders that the differences are basically irrelevant. Most people are a smattering of "masculine" and "feminine" traits.

You should engage the social sciences, friend. There's a lot of interesting and exciting data coming out of the field of gender studies!

Suggested Reading:

Hyde (2009) The Gender Similarities Hypothesis

Cordelia Fine (2011) Delusions of Gender

Peterson and Hyde (1997 - 2007) A Meta-Analytic Review of Research on Gender Differences in Sexuality

Article: There really is no difference in men and women's math abilities

Article: Transsexual differences caught on brain scan

EDIT: A good place to learn and discuss Trans issues is /r/SRSDiscussion. There's a large variety of different users on there with deep knowledge of the topic at hand. I highly suggest you post any questions you have regarding Trans issues there with them. If you think that "some kind of cis-sexism may be based in biological reality, not culture", then I'm sorry friend, but you have very little understanding of what Cissexism is and have a lot to learn about gender. Start there and read more into the topic. It's a fascinating topic. I think you'll enjoy it!

I do not have anything from Kit Laughlin, but I love his material.

What are your goals with buying these things? Do you want more knowledge? Do you want a list of things to do? Do you want a strict program?

Here's my picks based on what I have read:

• More knowledge: Stretching Scientifically - one of the best summaries of the science of stretching, along with the hows and whys.
  
• A basic list of things: Sport Stretch - the best "dictionary of stretches". The initial chapters are largely in line with Kurz's recommendations for stretching and flexibility, too
  
• A strict program: Focused Flexibility or Body Mechanic - both are very good programs (the first is more general/overall than the second) that tell you precisely what to do, how to do it, and how to measure progress (something a lot of flexibility training ignores).

For actual pregnancy, I loved the American college of obstetrics and gynecology's book and I know a lot of people loved the mayo clinic book.


Planning for Pregnancy, Birth And Beyond: Second Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525941401/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_PLZHAbPZ6V85C


Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1561487171/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tMZHAbRTF0RMQ


I also read what to expect when your expecting but it was a lot of the same info in my apps, except the actual birth and labor part. There was some helpful stuff in there!


For laboring I read Ina May's guide to Childbirth and I LOVED it. I feel SO prepared after reading it!


Ina May's Guide to Childbirth https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_VNZHAbQ7T2S9D


I tried to read

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452276594/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_HOZHAbRC89D39


But I couldn't take it seriously!


And for breastfeeding I read


The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding (Revised Edition): Completely Revised and Updated Third Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399181989/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_9PZHAbSMPXVX9


And for baby feeding and sleeping I read


On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JQZHAbS5P7824

> I recognize that your view of God is set in stone

... only until someone shows me a single shred of hard scientific evidence that there is such a being.

> and so I won’t waste our time trying to convince you that God is God.

God is a tautology??!!? You don't have anything more positive to say about him that YHVH, He is? Wow.

> He can’t make any wrong moves he is absolute and so we puny humans can’t even begin to understand and as a result judge him.

Interesting. So, you don't claim to know whether God is good or evil? I claim the fictional character described in both the Torah and the New Testament is demonstrably evil. I do so by pointing to the words of the Bible. You claim not to even know if you're worshiping and following a force for good or evil. What if God is evil? Would you still follow?

> But while your opinion of God is grim don’t you at least agree with the teachings of Jesus many of which are the foundations of western society morals?

This is a loaded question. Your assumption that western society is built on the teachings of Jesus is false, see part B of my answer below.

A) No. I don't agree with the teachings of Jesus. Of course, I'm posting deliberately cherry-picked statements from the Bible. But, these are all legitimate statements in the Bible.

Scroll down to the list at the following link starting with number 1158, which should be the start of the New Testament's cruelty, unless anyone has edited the list since the time I am typing this.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/long.html

Here's a list of intolerance in the Bible. Scroll down to Matthew again started at 538, for instances of intolerance in the New Testament.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/int/long.html

And, this is a list of misogyny. Scroll down to number 330 for the start of the New Testament here.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/women/long.html

Here's a list of some of the wonderful family values of which the Bible speaks. Start at number 360 for the New Testament.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fv/long.html

Here are some interesting Biblical views on sex. The N.T. stuff starts at number 231 this time.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/sex/long.html

B) No. Western civilization is actually founded on views from the period of the enlightenment.

From wikipedia (emphasis mine): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_Enlightenment

>> The Enlightenment (also known as the Age of Enlightenment or the Age of Reason; in French: le Siècle des Lumières, lit. '"the Century of Lights"'; and in German: Aufklärung, "Enlightenment") was an intellectual and philosophical movement that dominated the world of ideas in Europe during the 18th century, "The Century of Philosophy".

>> The Enlightenment included a range of ideas centered on reason as the primary source of authority and legitimacy and came to advance ideals like liberty, progress, tolerance, fraternity, constitutional government and separation of church and state.[4][5] In France, the central doctrines of the Enlightenment philosophers were individual liberty and religious tolerance, in opposition to an absolute monarchy and the fixed dogmas of the Roman Catholic Church. The Enlightenment was marked by an emphasis on the scientific method and reductionism, along with increased questioning of religious orthodoxy—an attitude captured by the phrase Sapere aude, "Dare to know".

Compare the Bill of Rights to the Ten Commandments. Which one gives rights? Which one takes them away?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Bill_of_Rights

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments

If western society is founded on Christian values, why is it that only 3 of the 10 commandments are actually illegal?

> is there any other reason for compassion other than Jesus telling us to be servants and to love others as yourself and to do to the lowest as we would to Jesus?

Yes. The reasons are the same ones that caused Jesus to say what he said. We evolved as a social species. All social species have morals.

Humans have performed some horribly cruel experiments on animals. One of them was performed on rats. They taught rat #1 to press a lever to receive food pellets. This is easy to do. Rats are quite smart and have no trouble at all making the connection to pressing a lever for food. Then, they put a cage with rat #2 (a rat that rat #1 does not even know) in sight of rat #1. When rat #1 presses the lever, s/he continues to receive food. But, rat #2 receives an electric shock. Seeing that the lever visibly causes pain to rat #2, rat #1 stops pressing the lever and may even starve him/herself to death.

Not all humans are so caring and empathetic.

But, the point is that morals exist to varying degrees in all social species. These are an evolved trait. Even social fish have morals. This is far from unique to humans. And, it sure as hell didn't begin with Jesus.

https://www.livescience.com/24802-animals-have-morals-book.html

> I’m sure you know of all the great missionaries of the last centuries that under the threat of death flew to the most hostile to western civilization countries and helped the people there not only with the good news but also with material goods.

And also with homophobia within the last century.

http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-kaoma-uganda-gays-american-ministers-20140323-story.html

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/mar/18/us-evangelicals-africa-charity-missionaries-homosexuality

When African wackadoodles say that homosexuals "eat da poo poo", they're getting that crap from American missionaries.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Ssempa

> I myself as a child spent five years with my family in Haiti helping the people that had previously suffered from the earthquake 2010.

That is truly wonderful and I applaud your efforts. Not all Christians are so nice. Many vote Republican!

> There is no moral or social reason to do anything out of selflessness in today’s society.

That is false. The reason is that we evolved as a social species, as noted above, and that all social species have morals and whatever it is you're calling social reason.

> In the end there is no moral ground at all, everything is subject to people’s opinions at the time.

There is tons of moral ground that evolved over hundreds of millions of years! That this moral ground is changing and improving over time is a good thing. I'm proud that my morals are not dictated by my sheepshagging ancestors who wrote the book on genocide. My morals reflect the improved moral zeitgeist of western society that has been improving morality for centuries.

Good book on our improving morals: The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined Paperback by Steven Pinker

This particular interview with Joe Rogan has been referenced below by /u/twintersx and I wanted to direct the question to you.

Obviously you said that low volume/high intensity training sessions have been beneficial to you, but in almost every other sport this isn't the case. Whether it be an endurance sport like cycling to short/high intensity bouts like wrestling or gymnastics (In both of these cases I agree that the "amount of time" as being short is relative, but albeit they are mostly anaerobic).

To summarize the interview (and perhaps butcher it) Firas Zahabi references training techniques used by the Russian Olympic Wrestling team where they do high volume low intensity workouts focused largely on technique. They then will increase intensity and decrease volume leading up to the competition. This seems to accomplish two things really well: it increases performance (apparently the Russian wrestling team is legendary), and decreases injury.

Another place that I've seen this type of training recommendation is within the book Training for the new alpinism where one of the authors describes his experience for improving his cycling performance through low volume/high intensity workouts. He ultimately realizes from personal experience that nothing can beat a firm solid "base" or "foundation" that includes a high amount of volume and low intensity, from which you can launch into more intense strength / power. Granted, in this book he is almost exclusively talking about endurance (both in the mountains and in cycling), but I can't help but feel an intuition that these folks are onto something...

From my own personal experience I largely have seen great gains in the short/high intensity sessions that you are describing. But despite all of my precautions / recovery / prehab I find myself getting injured and setting myself back from further gains.

I'd like to hear your thoughts!

FYI, your link is broken.

What's on your list of shaving supplies(brand names help)? Razor, blades, brush, soaps, creams

I am no expert on any of this but I'm happy to share what works for me. Here's my process for a wet shave. It takes me anywhere between 8-15 min:

• Shower, soak brush
  
  
• After shower wash face with MRGLO
  
  
• Put pre-shave cream on face and neck then apply a hot wet towel on my face and neck, leave on for 1-3 min. OR Whip up lather, put first layer of lather on face, then cover face and neck with hot towel, leave on for 1-3 min.
  
  
• Wipe off face, then apply lather
  
  
• Shave using short strokes WTG(with the grain), making sure to only shave over places with lather.
  
  
• Re-lather, shave using short strokes XTG(across the grain), making sure to only shave over places with lather.
  
  
• Re-lather, shave using short strokes ATG(against the grain), making sure to only shave over places with lather. OR shave using short strokes XTG(across the grain), making sure to only shave over places with lather. Some places on your face and neck just won't like ATG shaves. It's better to look presentable with a little stubble than to have red bumps of hell fire(in-grown hairs, hamburger neck, irritations) on your face and neck.
  
  
• Rinse off face and neck with cool water then apply an alum block. After the alum has dried completely rinse off with cold water.
  
  
• Apply post-shave products like witch hazel, aftershave, creams or oils.
  
  Things to think about: Get a blade sampler pack - you'll experience a different shave with different brands. Find one you like and stick with it. Study the direction of hair growth on your face and neck. Become confident with it so when you're shaving you know when you're shaving WTG, XTG or ATG. There's no need to press the razor against the skin, let the weight of the razor do the work. Locking the wrist will help. Pick up Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving for a convenient reference in the home.
  
  Learn by watching videos on youtube by mantic59, here's his Ten Minute Traditional Wet Shave and of course betelgeux a.k.a theshockwav's videos, here's his Shaving soap - a brief look.
  
  If you have questions or concerns /r/wicked_edge is here to help. Shave well, sir.

This is kind of terrible advice, depending on the individual in question.

The most broadly successful stretching program tends to involve a warm-up, followed by the dynamic flexibility exercises you mentioned: leg raises to the front, sides, and back for the hips, as an example. This is followed by a workout of some kind (an intense run, strength training, a martial arts class) and, after that, cool down with static stretching.

Despite what /u/shinobi3432 said, you should not push to the point of pain. You want discomfort, and you can hold it there, but never for more than thirty seconds, okay? And, once you've developed both some muscular strength and basic, static passive flexibility, you can throw some isometric stretching in there before you do a static passive stretch.

What should happen is, as your static flexibility range improves, you build up your dynamic flexibility to match it, so that you can utilize your full range of flexibility in motion and with little warm up. That said, you should still warm up before actually training; one or two kicks "cold" will be all right, but you still need a decent warm up before you actually push yourself at all.

If you want details on this kind of stretching program, read Stretching Scientifically, by Thomas Kurz.

(page 2)



Question (BigRedHair):

> First - wow. You're pretty damn lucky to be alive - and I was so glad you were wearing a helmet!
> Did you recognize your ex-step mother when she came in? Did you know that the people visiting were family/friends?
> I may have missed this, but how long is this guy's jail sentence?
>

Answer (PRTetu):

> I think he got six months.
>
> I recognized my ex-stepmother, but that didn't change the fact that it felt like my first memory. I don't remember anyone else visiting besides my dad's wife who came to grab me when I was released.



Question (chiro_throw):

> Please take your own medical care seriously: http://www.skepdic.com/chiro.html
>
> Chiropractic services are not based on science. At worst they can leave dead, or paralyzed for life. Don't take my word for it; educate yourself on any treatment you are looking to or currently receiving.
>
> Rather than read the link above, which is quite lengthy - I will admit, wikipedia has a good section on the risk-benift of chiro here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiropractic#Risk-benefit

Answer (PRTetu):

> What is the alternative?



Question (qazplu33):

> >The second time, I had to take the stand and testify against him. I once again refused to look at the evidence photos and was asked things like what I thought his punishment should be.
>
> What did you say? I'm not here to criticise anything you say, I'm just curious what you thought. I know I'd want to do... illegal things to him, especially after he half-assed his apology. What a dick.

Answer (PRTetu):

> There was a lot I really wanted to say. He should be castrated without anesthesia so as not to continue to pollute the gene pool and in a very painful way. He should pay me every cent he ever makes. His children should be taken away. He should have to spend all six months of his sentence in solitary confinement with the nyan cat looping on a small speaker barely audibly. I should get to hit him on my bicycle with his truck.
>
> What I ended up saying was that he should never drive again and probably spend some time in jail.



Question (jwolf227):

> The driver did turn himself in an hour later. His thoughts were probably oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck I just killed a guy. And often when you get in that highly panicked mindset, the first thing you think is to return to routine, something familiar. He probably went home, calmed down, and realized he needed to account for what he had done.

Answer (PRTetu):

> From the biking blog I linked:
>
> "In a sign of the sheer stupidity demonstrated by some drivers — especially those foolish enough to flee the scene of a collision — Travers called police to report he may have been in a collision, after apparently seeing the story on the news. But swore he wasn’t the one who hit the cyclist.
>
> Needless to say, police investigators found evidence connecting him to the crime. Which they may never have found if Travers hadn’t attempted to craft a case of implausible deniability."



Question (I_LOVE_ASPARTAME):

> I was attacked in my neighborhood before and don't remember anything from that day and two days before. My body is probably doing me a favor by blocking everything out, but it has been crazy hard dealing with the curiosity of trying to bring the memory forward. i've now come to terms with it and let my defenses shut it out. Yay ptsd

Answer (PRTetu):

> lol yaaaayyyy.



Question (whodafukisethanembry):

> Do you see yourself, someday, returning to biking as a means of transportation?

Answer (PRTetu):

> To this point, I had thought absolutely not. There are some exceptions, but absolutely not on public streets with vehicle access. At least not anytime soon.



Question (jewcebox95):

> I remember hearing about this on the news, I live in Dena. Glad you're doing better and hope everything turns out alright.

Answer (PRTetu):

> Thank you for that.



Question (iheartfirefly):

> Be healthy, physically and mentally. Do good things for yourself. I had some head trauma after an accident a few years ago and the first 18 months was hard...I couldn't remember words, anxiety was BAD, lots of hermit-y stuff but it got easier as I settled into the meds and started living how I envisioned my life (even tho it wasn't comfortable to do.) Good luck, don't be a hero and suffer through the pain - talk to people about it, get help, let your friends be friends, ya know?

Answer (PRTetu):

> Good advice. Thank you.



Question (badluckgod13):

> Holy shit man this sucks. I live right off of foothill boulevard in la Canada I'm so sorry this happened.

Answer (PRTetu):

> I went to LCHS. My father teaches there/coaches golf.



Question (P1h3r1e3d13):

> You may be interested in Phantoms in the Brain. It covers some of that weird, mind-body disconnect stuff.

Answer (PRTetu):

> I will definitely check that out.



Question (yummyfrenchfry):

> glad your ok my friend unfortunately was killed on thursday - http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/inland_empire&id=8736771

Answer (PRTetu):

> It breaks my heart every time I read another one of those.
>
> The "Why me?" question as to why I was either hit or survived is kinda out of my head now, but it does come up when I see something like that.
>
> Stay strong.



Question (cukabara7047):

> I was struck by a driver last fall who left me with some pretty bad hand injuries, (as my right arm went through his left headlight) but nothing too lasting. He sped off the second I hit the ground, too, but unfortunately there were no witnesses so there were no repercussions.
> Glad to hear your feelin better man, stay safe out there

Answer (PRTetu):

> Glad to hear you weren't more seriously injured.
>
> Thanks for the positive vibes.



Question (GimmieMore):

> It went from bad to worse... But there were a lot of factors involved...
>
> She actually ended up threatening me with violence for very minimal reasons... regularly.
>
> Head injuries are a bitch.

Answer (PRTetu):

> I'm assuming the relationship ended not long after the accident?



Question (antisocialmedic):

> Yeesh. I am sorry to hear that happened to you my friend. Here is hoping to a fast and thorough recovery!
>
> Also, do you find the road rash to be as awful as I do? I got hit by a car and dragged for a bit when I was a kid, no broken bones but a ton of road rash. It was pretty awful. I can't imagine having to go through what you did.

Answer (PRTetu):

> To be honest, the road rash wasn't as bad as the joint pain and rampant bruising.
>
> Had it just been road rash, I'm sure it would've sucked pretty hard itself. I had some (slight understatement) experience with road rashes as a young care-free skateboarder.



Question (Juliet2yourRomeo):

> Did you have a Significant other at the time of the accident? If so did the dynamic of the relationship change? Have any of your relationships changed in regards to u feeling like a totally new person? Do u have new interests than before ? Haha sorry for the million questions but this is interesting and I'm very glad you survived and I wish you the best in your recovery :)

Answer (PRTetu):

> I did not have a significant other and wasn't dating anyone... that I can recall.
>
> I can't really speak to how much relationships have changed as I can't really remember what they were like before. I'm sure if I got a couple friends to hop on here, they could be a little more insightful as far as that goes. As far as the interests, just being interested in social activity is definitely new and not having any interest in MMO's is also a polar shift. I also have an affinity for old movies from the 40s-60s now which I can't ever recall having a remote interest in.



(continued below)

I'm 35years old and have recently been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea ~10 AHI. I've bought an auto CPAP and have been on treatment for around one week. I feel better so far although I'll need months to quantify the improvement.

Prior to this I was on a 1 month trial where I couldn't identify how crucial CPAP was until the trial ended (which I've been told is common for mild sufferers). It was around 2 months without treatment between the end of the trial and when I bought the machine a week ago.

Like you I suffered from chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, memory issues, brain fog etc. After treatment it was clear to me that many of the fears I had were based on cognitive patterns developed while under the effect of a physiological anxiety and depression.

So in plain english, things aren't likely to be as bad as you perceive them to be. I'm not trying to downplay the potential need for rehabilitation because now that I'm on CPAP I intend to create a brain rehabilitation plan that includes the items below.

For you in particular I would do the following:

• Read a few books on Neuroplasticity. (Eg The Brain that Changes Itself, The Power of Neuroplasticity)
  
  
• Get therapy to fix any maladaptive cognitive behaviours you've developed while under the influence of apnea created anxiety. You want a therapist specialised or familiar in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, get a self-help book like Feeling Good. Frankly, I think everyone should undertake some CBT sometime in early adulthood anyway, but I think you could use it in particular.
  
  
• Fix your habits now that your mind is working again. Create good sleep hygiene by cutting out blue light (f.lux app for computers/phones) and turning off electroncs an hour before you sleep (which should be ~10-10:30pm). Eat a balanced diet and supplement with Omega 3 fish oil for healthy brain function. Exercise ~ 3 times a week (preferably weights, but otherwise cardio/sport). Consider cutting down or eliminating alcohol and other drugs that may cause cognitive impairment.
  
  
• Take up Meditation which has been shown to improve executive function. 20 minutes per day concentrating on your breathing, nothing fancy. There are guides to simple forms of breath meditation all over the place.
  
  
• Non-electronic based brain teasers. Get a big book of puzzles and fit it into your routine. I recommend non-electronic because the semi-dissociative state induced by videogames doesn't activate all areas of your mind.
  
  
• Find a good memory training program. I don't have much experience with this yet, but I've heard there are some good books on this.
  
  
• If you have easy access to medical care, consider getting a referral to a neurologist for an MRI and talk your concerns over with him. Maybe there is little to no atrophy of your brain. You can't really tell from the inside except for poor memory/brain fog. Try getting another MRI in 6 months to a years time on your recovery regime to see how things have changed.
  
  Beyond all this I think its important to just do the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have available and not beat yourself up for what might have been and things beyond your control.
  
  Good luck.
  
  edit: broken links the bane of my life

Ah I didn't really mean it like that. I meant that having advanced technology is a sign of being around a long time which would've given them time to transition out of primitive behavior -- like we are slowly doing. But maybe their technology progressed at a more exponential rate than ours and their social evolution wasn't as fast. This is all so speculative and we only have one example (us) so it's really just a fun guessing game.

You make a good point about how long it takes us to advance morally. But the key idea is that we ARE advancing. A great book on this is The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined by Stephen Pinker. Things now are immensely better than they were even 100 years ago.

One unnerving thought is how little our treatment of animals has progressed. Arguably, it has gotten worth with our factory farming methods. Perhaps this is insight into how we would treat other species. We have a threshold for what we deem as worthy of protection laws based on our interpretation of intelligence. Will that threshold be raised if we advance our intelligence through artificial means? Do beings of lesser intelligence deserve and equal chance at life as those of higher intelligence?

Congratulations! If you're looking for a book to read throughout pregnancy, The Expectant Father is kind of like a What to Expect When You're Expecting for dads. I like that it has practical things you can do to support your SO week by week. It also has things about what she may be experiencing emotionally and what you may feel. Some of it is kind of goofy but things like a list of questions for your pediatrician might be helpful.

One practical thing any pregnant woman probably would appreciate is having good food around. I love that my SO never judges what I eat, is always down to get whatever I'm craving and cooks for me. The Brewer Diet has recommendations specifically for twin pregnancies. She may not feel like eating for a while, but it's especially important for her to stay hydrated and get good nutrition when she can eat. B vitamins, especially B6 can help with the nausea.

Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.

As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.

Awesome! Watch out for those Feather blades. They're some super sharp mofos.

A couple of recommendations for those new to classical wet shaving:

Watch these videos. At least watch the introduction and basic "how to" ones. Other guys here like betelgeux and psywiped have some very good videos as well. Simply look through their submissions.

A lot of guys have found this book very helpful. Leisureguy is also a frequent contributer here, and is a wealth of knowledge.

If you can, make of video of your first shave for us. It'll be a great tool to maybe point of how you can make your shave even better.

Good luck!

I don't think there will ever be a perfect rule that can be applied across all possibilities without fail, but for me one of the major things I look for is whether the author is a respected scientist actively working in the field (or, if they're retired, had an active history in the field).

So your Gazzaniga and Brown books I wouldn't even hesitate to recommend to others, without even having read them. It helps that I've read other books by those authors and their research, but their names alone are enough for me to give them a tick. Of course that doesn't guarantee that they're good books, but if you're asking for a rule on how to judge a book before reading it, then that's probably going to result in more success than failure.

The second thing I look for is whether the author has a history of writing polemics and intentionally controversial books in order to increase sales (a sort of "clickbait" approach to books), and whether their names are associated with criticism for misrepresenting basic issues in the areas they discuss. As such, people like Gladwell and Pinker would be ruled out by this.

>I'd also love to hear /r/skeptic 's suggestions for reading specifically about learning, drive, motivation, discipline...

My personal suggestions would be:

Understanding Behaviorism - William Baum (touches a little more on rigorous academic work rather than being a purely pop work, but still has some good pop chapters).

The Science of Self-Control - Howard Rachlin

Breakdown of Will - George Ainslie

Some related books but not directly on those topics:

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat - Oliver Sacks (It's a cliche suggestion but still a good book).

Brainwashed: The Seductive Appeal of Mindless Neuroscience - Sally Satel and Scott Lilienfeld (More methodological issues with neuroscience research and reporting).

Delusion of Gender - Cordelia Fine (Critical look at some of the research on gender differences).

Congrats! My (caucasian) wife and I just had our Indian wedding a few months ago -- some big picture advice:

• A lot of traditional wedding advice won't apply to you. Things like budget guidelines, planning timelines, day-of scheduling templates -- none of that stuff really works for an Indian wedding. Which is freeing, in some ways -- you don't have to worry about your wedding being cookie-cutter, or boring! But it means there are a lot more decisions to make.
  
  
• You should spend a lot of time early on just talking with your partner about what you want the event to feel like, for you and your guests. My partner and I got engaged in September 2017, and basically spent the next four months trying to figure out the vibe we wanted. We didn't book our first vendor until February 2018, for our wedding in August 2018. The book A Practical Wedding really helped guide those conversations for us.
  
  
• If you do choose to do an Indian wedding, find yourself a day-of coordinator experienced in Indian weddings. They'll help you find all the desi-specific wedding vendors, and give you advice on how a fusion ceremony might go.
  
  
• Avoid the impulse to have two separate weddings -- the costs will skyrocket, and, inevitably, one ceremony will feel like the "real" wedding. If you can, you should try to blend the parts of the two ceremonies that you care about. It will end up feeling more personal.
  
  
• And finally, there are very few rules you have to follow. Just by the fact that you are a mixed-race couple, this wedding will be non-traditional. lean into that -- it can be as long as you want, as many days as you want, with as many people as you want. The most important part is that you have the perfect wedding for you.
  
  Happy to chat if you have any questions -- feel free to DM!

I also wanted to offer an alternative view.

I will be the first to admit that labor and delivery is scary especially for a first time mother. BUT I think it would be incredibly helpful for you to learn more about the process. The more you know the less fear you'll have.

I originally subscribed to this sub because I thought I needed a scheduled c-section due to low lying placenta. It moved up on its own and I was able to have a vaginal delivery. I chose to do it naturally with no pain medication and honestly, it was an awesome experience. Yes- it hurt, yes- it was hard, but I would do it over again in a heartbeat! I ended needing an episiotomy which I know scares a lot of people but they gave me a local anesthetic first and I couldn't feel it at all. My recovery was so easy!!! I just felt a bit bruised down there for the first little while and that's it. Full disclosure, I know not everyone has this kind of experience, but statistically the vast majority of births are complication free.

So long story short, I would suggest you look into vaginal delivery more in-depth. Look into the stages of labor. Definitely research the potential risks and side effects of a c-section. Also with this being you're first, c-sections can have negative risks for subsequent pregnancies.

This book is designed for support people during labor, but honestly it was the best resource for learning the stages of labor. It's a very empowering book. I highly recommend it!
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/155832819X/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_8CzHAbDYV87PP

I'm not specifically saying you shouldn't go for a c-section, I just think giving your self the knowledge of the pros and cons will be a huge help!

Best of luck to you!!

Interesting. No, but I was a philosophy major so I’m familiar and yeah, they would be relevant. Acceptance of reality, while trying to make small and realistic changes, is the core of the whole thing.

We used Linehan’s workbook, below, which I highly recommend. She definitely used Buddhism and mixed it with CBT to develop this. It’s got a little bit of everything, and can help everyone, given they want to help themselves. Thanks for the book and links, they look great.

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7JKSDbC66H487

I've got a little ways to go (14 mo. old), but the following books have been recommended in other threads and have been on my wish list a while and might be helpful:


In the Beginning: Creation Stories from Around the World

Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion

On the scouts question, from what I've read the scouts in the US patently don't allow atheists, so I'm pretty much planning on avoiding them entirely unless at the boy's request. Luckily I live in an area that sports a large number of non-religious folks so I'm hoping that through friends and such we'll get our fair share of camping and outdoorsy stuff without resorting to scouts.

>I'm not surprised everything we thought was incorrect. Every time anyone has a discussion about this stuff at my school it turns into a circlejerky who is the most PC contest and I think most of these people get their information from tumblr

Probably. There's nothing wrong with asking questions - it's healthy and wanting to learn is never a bad thing.

>You've lost me a little. I don't understand the difference between gender identity and gender roles. I can understand wanting to identify as another role, but I don't understand what gender identity is without sex or roles.

Okay so to really simplify -

Gender identity: whether you're a man or a woman

Gender role: how society says men and women should act

They're entirely separate and unrelated, although there is obviously a strong correlation between people who are men and people who like to act masculine, and between people who are women and people who like to act feminine. But that's all it is - a correlation. There are plenty of people who are men who don't like to be masculine but do like to be feminine, just as there are plenty of people who are women who don't like to be feminine but do like to be masculine. And there are masculine trans women and feminine trans men. At the end of the day, though, a feminine man is still a man and and a masculine woman is still a woman. Preferring a particular socially constructed gender role doesn't change your innate gender identity. Liking dresses doesn't make a man not a man, you know?

This would be much easier to understand, I think, if we didn't use the term "gender identity". It leads to far too much confusion of exactly this type and I think something else would be a better term (Julia Serano - who writes brilliantly - uses the term "subconscious sex" as in the sex of your subconscious, which I quite like), but the important thing to take away is that although they happen to be similar phrases they're very much not the same thing, or even similar. One is who you are, the other is how society says you should act based on that.

(Also in terms of gender identity there are non-binary people who don't feel themselves to be men or women but something else or both, and there are agender people who don't feel any gender at all)

>Okay you're starting to make me think this is where I lie. I really don't understand feeling a certain gender in context outside of social roles or genetics. I hate periods/the ability to get pregnant/having a uterus in general. I hate that my friendships with males always fall apart when I don't want to fuck them. I hate feeling unsafe walking around at night. I hate feeling worth less than male and socially would definitely DEFINITELY rather be a dude. But all of this is just out of convenience. I'd never transition because if I did, I'd never be treated like a cis dude

You probably would, though. Most people greatly underestimate the power of hormones (and other things such as surgery) and their potential to change someone's appearance from undeniably female to undeniably male (or vice versa). Most trans people end up blending back into society eventually and being treated just as cis men or women. Trans people that you see who are obviously or visibly trans are usually early in transition (or are just unfortunate) and aren't representative of trans people generally.

>and half the inconveniences would still be there + new ones would be created. Basically, how I feel about this is basically "let's do whatever is most beneficial/convenient". In the same way everyone wants to be rich instead of poor since it's simply the better option. IDK.

In an ideal world would you rather be male or female? Or neither, maybe?

If you started growing thick facial hair tomorrow how would you feel about it? If your voice dropped how would you feel about it?

>I just don't think I'm going to understand, as much as I'd like to. I feel like a lot of that comes from being a cis female though.

No, I don't think this is the case. A lot of or even most cis (or nominally cis) people - I think those with a stronger sense of their own maleness or femaleness - get it instinctively when it's explained to them, some don't. The latter tend to either be people who have just never thought about it and can't imagine that it would cause any problems to just switch sex because they don't know what they're talking about, or people who - like you, I think - just maybe don't have a particularly strong sense of their gender, or even might have no gender at all.

It might be really helpful for you to read about non-binary identities or agender people - if they don't resonate then fair enough, but you might find they do. You might even find out that you're not quite as cis as you thought you were. But that's entirely up to you.

> For some reason I just can't wrap my head around genders having feelings though

So it's not like genders have feelings, it's that you innately know and understand yourself to be one gender rather than another.

When I think about myself I think "woman" or "girl" or "female". When I look around at other people I subconsciously group myself with the other women rather than the men. I want to fit in and be accepted as a woman not as a man. When people mistake me for a man it makes me uncomfortable. Having a body that is more female feels right in a way that having a body that was more male never did. That's how it works for me, roughly, if such an abstract concept as gender identity can ever be put into words. It's kind of like trying to describe hunger to someone who doesn't need to eat, it's always going to be difficult to properly get it across.

Certainly! CBT is really helpful too, and there's a bit of crossover between it and DBT.

DBT is a pretty intensive program, usually to do it the way Linehan sets it out requires individual therapy and group therapy but the literature has recently shown some benefits to just the skills portion (the work that's usually done in an individual setting) of the program.

This is what we used for ourselves and clients when I was learning about DBT DBT is pretty proprietary so a lot of the stuff is way more geared towards training therapists, but the skills manual is probably the easiest to grok as a client-recommendation.

Talk with your therapist too about incorporating DBT, they might have more ready access to the materials needed. ACT is a little more user friendly in regards to accessibility for clients and personal work and covers pretty similar ideas.

Oh and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulnesses Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (MCBT) also cover some of the same ground too, and are easier to work into a running CBT program. Those might be helpful to bring up too.

My SO felt most baby books were really condescending or immature, but so far he's enjoying one my midwife recommended, [The Birth Partner] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155832819X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492743861&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=birth+partner&dpPl=1&dpID=51XnpsE7XXL&ref=plSrch)

With baby books, I highly recommend you read the samples on amazon before buying, the dad ones especially. :)

Also! Watch the Happiest Baby on The Block videos with him about swaddling and other fantastic ways to calm even colicky babies.

And [here] (https://youtu.be/j7YucfJuziU) is a 3 part birthing class on youtube. :)

Seems to be fake - the profile ID doesn't come up, nor does the name. There's no proof of this anywhere else, is there?

Even if so - who cares? This is the reason this sub gets a bad reputation, because of garbage posts like this.

I mainly lurk here (and get criticized for subscribing, which I find hilarious) but felt compelled enough to comment on this, considering I see it so often.

When you want to claim you're a man going his own way, and that you want nothing to do with women, you only show just how much you still care about them by harping on the bullshit they do all the time. It's a circle-jerk, and anyone who doesn't see that is deluded in the fog of pack mentality.

Take a step back and think for a moment, because this isn't meant to be an attack on the user who posted the thread, or any individual. It's about the general atmosphere of this subreddit, this community, this brotherhood, whatever the fuck we decide to label ourselves as (except a fucking movement, christ).

Don't give them the cerebral real estate by dwelling on how they can be, on their nature; it only weighs you down. The point of being "MGTOW" at its core is doing your own thing. Turn this sub into a discussion about interesting things that you do with your time, see who has the same hobbies as you, motivate one another in your endeavors, in your pursuits which have a positive impact on your wellbeing.

In other words - take care of yourselves. Focus on the good things. Positive psychology is a thing. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the term and wants something good to read in the layman tongue (popscience books), check out:

Learned Optimism

Other books that I believe could help encourage or inspire people in this thread are:

Mindfulness In Plain English

Flow

The Brain That Changes Itself

1. The press environment in the US is very free. That does not mean that there are no serious challenges to press freedom here, especially on specific national security issues. However, several indices on the subject tend to fairly seriously under-represent important elements bolstering US press freedom. Some of these are: strong underlying freedom of information law at state/local as well as federal level, very aggressive judicial protection in First Amendment cases, and an effective and still-burgeoning system of recourse to counter strategic lawsuits against public participation. The three isolated examples you gave are not even good ones. With regard to the Snowden saga, the actual journalists working on the story have actually enjoyed much more legal leeway and suffered much less harassment in the US than in the UK and some other places. And while a better statutory defense should be available for Snowden with regard to presenting justification for the crimes he committed, the lack of one is not any kind of distinguishing feature of the US system. Similarly, Chelsea Manning and Barrett Brown's actions would have been considered serious crimes in every country on the planet. The idea of Barrett Brown being a press hero is laughable, and it's especially ironic given that the Stratfor hack was essentially an attack on the privacy of an independent media company and its readership. [Full disclosure, I worked at Stratfor for a bit in the mid-2000s and still know people there, and the paranoia people have about that company never ceases to amaze].
   
   
2. Your point about lobbying has some technical merit, but it's really just another version of the same misconception. There are really separate ideas here: bribery, campaign donations, and persuasive lobbying. Straight-up bribery involves a politician getting personal, pecuniary benefit in exchange for policy. Bribery renders people less free, since they are no longer able to effectively control government through voting. It happens, and it's a problem in all governments, but America doesn't especially stand out from its peers in this area. Campaign donations are of course problematic and also often discussed as a form of "bribery". But, as I pointed out above, this muddles an important difference. When the campaign money is just being spent on dumb ads, it does not really reduce the voters' freedom. Your reply is that a ton of money is also spent on lobbyists. However, (1) much of this is the same money -- lobbyists do a lot of work sourcing campaign donations; and (2) to the extent that lobbyists are actually lobbying, this is just putting politicians in the same shoes as voters. And, frankly, many of those conversations are also about how much campaign money could be raised to unseat them if they do the "wrong" thing. Access can be important to the forming of impressions, but politicians have a ton of tools at their disposal to manage to whom they listen and for how long. Politicians that are stuck in the culture of lobbying-cash-fear are guilty of cowardice, but they aren't "not free" and neither are their constituents.
   
   
3. The way you make this argument, your point of view is never falsifiable. If a poor person votes Republican, you can just say it's because their society must be so "not free" that they were mind-controlled / brainwashed into voting against their interests. If only they were better educated, they would be "free" to vote for the things that you think are in their interests rather than the things that they think are in their interests. This perspective just dehumanizes the very people that you are trying to claim are being robbed of their agency by American society. Of course I think it should be made even easier for Americans to be better-informed and even easier to participate in political life. But surely freedom has to be recognized for what it is regardless. Nobody can force voters with stupid ideas to go out and correct them. But the practical barriers to any voter doing so -- even a voter with low education and no personal wealth -- are remarkably low in the US.
   
   
4. (5) The GPI is not a good measure at all of "how safe the streets are", which was your original point. It includes lots of variables that have nothing to do with that. The US homicide rate is on par with the Baltics; the US assault rate compares pretty well to many of its peers. But the larger point is lost in these snapshot comparisons. Pretty much all current OECD societies are on the sharp tip of a very dramatic decline in violence. Yes, there are some places in America that are blighted and dangerous. And we still have more violent crime than we should have. But in general, I absolutely stand by the statement that America is a very safe place by any rational standard. Having double the murder rate of 2012 Finland is like doubling your risk of being struck by lightning or exposing yourself to double the normal level of background radiation. It's more dangerous, but it isn't not safe.
   
   To your last point: there are significant threats to important freedoms in the US. Personally, I am especially concerned about not only surveillance in particular but the general attitude in successive federal administrations about the rule of law in general. And I am not alone in that at all. But, especially when it comes to essential political liberties and the freedom of conscience, our underlying legal and social protections remain very strong. And they are just now being given the opportunity to more directly confront the latest threats. We have a long way to fall before it would start to make sense to talk about being "not free".

You may want to pick up the book Practical Programming for Strength Training. If you've run your LP already it will tell you where to go next. But, I'm willing to say you should cut your 5x5 to a 3x5 and run the Starting Strength linear progression program until you can't. Then hop over to /r/startingstrength and ask the Starting Strength coach over there for tips on how to advance your training. Saves having to read the book.

StrongLifts is a less intelligent version of Starting Strength, in my opinion. I've run both and at least for me, Starting Strength has been a superior programming experience. I've made significantly more gains on SS than SL. SS gets to doing 5x5 on some lifts but not until you're an intermediate lifter.

Run the SS LP and your numbers will easily double in 3-4 months depending on how deconditioned you've been. Considering your height and weight, it sounds like you have the ability to progress a lot.

For comparison's sake, I'm 39, 6'0, 230 and have been running the LP for 4 months. Squat went from 115 to 315 as of yesterday. Deads from 155 to 335. Bench from 95 to 175. OHP from 55 to 130.

A buddy of mine has been running the program for 8-9 months. He's 6'4" and has gone from 240 to 295 lbs. He hit 500 on his deadlift a few weeks ago. The program is legit. Also, Mark Rippetoe is a lot of fun. It's like taking lifting advice from Yosemite Sam.

Expecting Better is okay, but good to read with some skepticism. The fact that Oster is an economist, and not a doctor or a biologist really shows in some sections.

Before reading her book, I'd read some of the same primary literature she cites, and I was so surprised at what she wrote, I had to go back and check that I hadn't read the paper wrong. (I hadn't.) I also did some searching and found that the doctors/biologists that study alcohol metabolism, fetal kidney development, etc. noted that her explanations of the biology there were incorrect. Same with some of the info on e.g. salmonella.

I personally found her analysis of CVS vs. amnio to be lacking. (I think this summary from the Cochrane reviews is better.) And NIPT technology has also advanced, so that info is a bit dated. This article from the New England Center for Investigative reporting is a good layperson's summary of NIPT.

Those are just a handful of examples. It's not to say that the whole book is wrong....there are some parts that are okay. (E.g. The info on chemical pregnancies, unisome + b6, and caffeine.) But it's not a book you can trust blindly.

Women like this book because it says, "Have that drink", "Have that sushi". And Oster had one pregnancy and nothing went wrong--great for her.

But having experienced a loss from something rare, and participated in a parent perinatal loss support group full of parents who lost their kids to something rare, I really understand why doctors encourage women to error on the side of caution. Sure, chances are that nothing will happen to you, but that 0.5% is somebody and your doctor wants to minimize the chances that "somebody" becomes you.

The Mayo clinic book (2nd edition) is from 2011, but most of the information is still current. (Again, the genetic testing technology has changed a bit.) About 1/2 is pregnancy stuff, about 1/4 is labor/newborn care/breastfeeding/post-partum care, and about a 1/4 is special case stuff (genetic testing, VBACs, pregnancy loss, etc.) I like that it has an alphabetized "symptoms" guide that covers everything from "bleeding gums" to UTIs and explains what to do. Bonus: you can get used copies for cheap. (Or get from the library before buying.)

As for refined grains (white bread, white rice, potatoes, pasta, etc.), this is in part a glucose/insulin regulation thing. Women who develop gestational diabetes maybe be told to eliminate these high glycemic load foods from their diet to manage their GD before moving to medication. But this is more relevant in the second half of pregnancy. In the morning sickness stage, they basically tell you crackers, toast, etc. is fine if that's what you can keep down.

Been there. We all have. Keep that in mind too—the last thing you need is to feel down on yourself for being human. Remember that in some ways, you're just a machine wired to feel this way. Know how your machinery works, and you can make it work better.

For now focus on your next action and task at hand—but when you're out of this, two books:

1. "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. His books and his advice are genius at using exactly this strategy to manage everything you have to do. The question "What's your next action?" comes from this book and it's the question you should ask if you're ever stuck.
   
   
2. "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. It's about writing and how to write, but mostly about life and how to do anything well, and how to find that motivation and ability to work even when you don't have it. It's glorious to read in its humanity.
   
   Here's a quote from the 2nd one that is relevant to you at this moment:
   
   > Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."
   
   That's what I tell myself every time I have a gigantic task to do. Bird by bird. It reminds me to just take it one step at a time.
   
   *edit: Ah, I have to share this one too... next paragraph after that one in "Bird by Bird"—
   
   > E. L. Doctorow once said that "writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your des­tination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.

It's a very exciting time for you right now. I don't know how far along the pregnancy is but also keep in mind the unthinkable can happen and it will be devastating. But that shouldn't keep you from enjoying this time. I did, but I always carried the fear of miscarriage and we didn't reveal to anyone but our parents (who we swore to secrecy) about our pregnancy until we completed the 1st trimester and were relatively safe from miscarriage.

Read a book or two on becoming a father. My favorite was this one (http://www.amazon.com/The-Expectant-Father-Dads---Be/dp/0789210770/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1377103525&sr=8-15&keywords=becoming+a+dad) and I passed it on to a friend and it was his favorite one too. You'll need to know what your wife/girlfriend is going through and what your role can be in supporting her and sharing in the planning of impending parenthood. Plus you need to know what you'll be going through too and what you need to be thinking about for your child's and your relationship's future.

Mom will be doing a lot of research and she'll want to share. Listen and get involved. Also, her first trimester is going to be fraught with exhaustion. When she says she's tired, she's really tired. Don't plan too many things and be understanding if she wants to back out at the last minute.

The second trimester will have her feeling great and that's a good time to go out and about looking on planning a nursery. If you end up painting for a nursery. use NO VOC paints.

But most importantly -- and you'll regret it if you don't do this -- go to Mom's ultrasounds because you'll want to hear you baby's heartbeat the first time she does. Don't be surprised if you tear up.

Good luck and enjoy!

The Whole 9 Months: A Week-By-Week Pregnancy Nutrition Guide with Recipes for a Healthy Start https://www.amazon.com/dp/1943451486/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_lVUwybM67RFKZ

The book above is supposed to not only tell you what foods you should eat each week for baby - but also for mom with nausea, leg cramps and the other fun things :) Below is a book for Daddy - divided up so its not sit down and read it all now. Gives him info on what is going on with you and baby and how he can be involved with some humor included :) Any mint teas help with stomach upset (help not cure lol) so whether you pick peppermint, spearmint or what not it may help. I love mint iced tea.

The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be https://www.amazon.com/dp/0789212137/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_RPUwybNPMAMFQ

Hope you feel better!

I do tell my child there's no good reason to believe in a God. I don't tell him there isn't a god.

Take the Yeti for example. I don't think there's a good reason to believe that the Yeti exists, but I don't think we can rule it out entirely quite yet.

I'm agnostic towards the Yeti, just like I am towards the deist, panentheistic, and pantheistic gods. I don't think they are either necessary or likely, but they are plausible.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure YHWH as seen though the Bible is total bullshit, just as I am quite sure that there isn't and never has been a flying unicorn.

I teach my kids appropriately. Having the appropriate amount of confidence in your conclusions is a critical part of rational thought and the scientific method. Every part of our knowledge should have error bars on it. When we forget this, we become fundamentalists, no better than the religious. Surety is great, but the goal is to make our surety match the available evidence, and not overclaim for what we know.

And yes, I am a Bayesian. ;-) (Gentler explanation and high level "small words and sock puppets" overview).

[BTW, if you do have little noodles, I highly recommend Parenting Beyond Belief]

I bought a ton, and I keep going back to the Mayo Clinic book. While it has the mostly same information, I found that The Mother of All Pregnancy Books was a little less well organized.

I thought I wouldn't like it because it was un-cited fluff, but I was pleasantly surprised by the candor of the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. Having the two types of books back-to-back felt reassuring.

Finally, I just bought Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I'm really liking her approach. The first section is all natural birth stories (to counteract some of the horror stories that may be more salient in our minds) and the second section is all about the physical process of labor with her (surprisingly well-researched) tips and philosophies on how natural labor actually works. If you're low-risk and have the attitude that childbirth is a natural function (which needs obstetrical care only in extreme or unusual cases), this book is an amazing guide to labor.

I wanted to give all of you helpful ladies an update on what I've been doing. For the past week, I have started weaning myself into the hair care method Lorraine Massey outlines in Curly Girl.

http://www.amazon.com/Curly-Girl-Handbook-Lorraine-Massey/dp/076115678X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330717279&sr=8-1

I have always thought my hair is bone straight and to my delight, I have discovered I actually have waves! I haven't touched a blow dryer or a hot iron in a week (this is HUGE for me), and it's made such a difference. I am slowly weaning myself from using shampoo every day, and I've noticed on the days that I don't use it my hair looks BETTER (whoa, who would have thought?) At first, I was scared to try it and didn't think my hair would be wavy enough, but after a week there is noticeably more curl in my hair. I've received compliments from co-workers and my husband loves my new look. I know I will sound dramatic when I say it's changed my life, but it really has! I know I'm not a full Curly Girl yet, but this past week has been an eye-opening challenge for me to realize the full potential of how great my hair can look without the constant maintenance of blow-drying and straightening.
THANK YOU TO ALL FOR YOUR ADVICE!

Congrats!!

Tips and suggestions... you're going to get nausea... I kept peppermints, gum, and crackers in my purse for at least the first 8-10 weeks. You never know when it's going to strike! Oh, and ginger ale was my bff for a while!

What to Expect is a fantastic book! If your husband is looking for one, I would recommend The Expectant Father. My fiance is reading it at the recommendation of my brother (who has two kiddos) and they love it!

If you're wondering about the studies of drinking/no drinking, chances for birth defects or miscarriage, and all the crazy polar stuff you see on the web... I recommend picking up Expecting Better written by an economist who analyzes all these studies, just in laymen's terms! It's comforting to know what's what, etc.

Other than that, welcome to baby bumps! There's SO much info that gets passed around here that I have found so incredibly helpful. If you have questions, ask. If you have fun things to share, share it!

Much good advice has already been given. My take:

Yes, any kind of wetshaving (cartridges, DE razors, straights) will give very likely give you a much better, closer shave than even the best electric razor (I tried).

WHAT kind of wetshaving is a different matter:

Cartridges (for the Mach 3 or the vibrator contraptions Gillette sells these days) are actually not bad and fool proof (as in "do not require any special technique"), but very expensive compared to DE blades.

DE razors require a moderate investment for a razor, but even the most expensive blades are ridiculously cheap compared to cartridges. For just one year's worth of cartridges you can buy a solid traditional wetshaving kit, after that the costs drop considerably (if you don't start to collect and you said you weren't interested in the hobby aspect). For many of us, the results are better and last but not least the experience itself is much more pleasant (but it may take more time).

Straights require an even longer learning curve and more complicated care, but free you from buying blades completely.

It is really a matter of personal preference. For recommendations on starting with a DE razor, have a look at

http://www.bruceonshaving.com/2010/07/07/some-shaving-kit-for-beginners/

and

http://www.bruceonshaving.com/2011/03/09/escaping-from-the-dark-side-a-road-map/

One especially important advice given there is to use real lather from shaving soap / cream with a brush, even if you should prefer cartridges. No canned goo, however fancy the PR, comes close to the prep you get with real lather. Face lathering doesn't take much longer than spreading canned foam/gel - and the time is well spent, as there is a necessary minimum amount of time the stubble needs to soak and soften for a good shave.

For in depth information on DE shaving, read the book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1463595344/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0TWFCBSX5HFSV4YGDGKD&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

There is a really good book, Whipping Girl by Julia Serano, that would answer your questions. You could probably just read the first couple of chapters.

It's a bit of an oversimplification to say that gender is a social construct. We tend to use gender to mean anything that is not physical, anatomical sex, but to get to the root of what it means to be or feel like a man or a woman, we need more specificity than that.

Gender roles are societal expectations for how people of a certain gender should look, act, and live. These are relative to the culture and can be man/woman, or three genders, or six, depending on the society.

Gender expression is the personal choices people make to signal to themselves and to other people what gender they are. The specifics of gender expression also vary depending on the culture. So, one culture might see pink as a "girl" color, one might see it as a "boy" color, or the same culture might even change its mind. It's all relative.

Gender identity is a person's sense of which gender category in their society is right for them based on their own relationship to their body, and to other people. The ways in which people talk about gender identity vary from culture to culture (for example, Native Americans refer to gender fluidity or being dual gender as being Two Spirited).

Nevertheless, every culture has had to answer the question "what does it mean that there are males and females?" The specifics of that question and its answers may vary, but the question itself is based in humanity confronting its own biology.

The vast majority of people never really feel a disconnect between the sex their society designates them to be and the gender they see themselves to be, as you probably know. Some people don't have a problem with their biological sex, but they do have a problem with the gender roles that are expected of them. Other people have no issue with either, but they like to have an atypical gender expression because it feels authentic to their sense of self. So, there's a vast number of ways people can relate to gender without it coming into direct conflict with their sex assigned at birth.

Regarding people who are transgender, genderfluid, etc, this often refers to a specific relationship between physical sex and gender identity that goes beyond roles and expectations that society has of different genders. Usually there is a feeling of disconnect or dissonance with the gender identity assigned to you based on your sex. It just "feels wrong," so people who are transgender do a lot of exploration to figure out what feels right, and that has lead to a proliferation of terms for different gender identities because our own society hasn't been very accepting of gender diverse people and our language hasn't caught up yet. So people are trying out a lot of terminology trying to figure out what this all means.

I can't speak for agender or genderfluid people since I am not one.

I can only speak for myself as a transgender man who is also somewhat gender non-conforming. My sense of "being a man" or "being male" is the best language I have to describe the feeling that my body is supposed to be physically male and I am like other people who are male. It's like my brain expects a male body to be there and sometimes perceives it anyway despite what my biology is like. But my sense of what it means to be a man is definitely shaped by the culture I grew up in. I look at other men and women and locate myself within the spectrum of gender laid out for me in my social world. I compare myself to others and through self-exploration realize that it feels more authentic for me to align myself with other men than with women or non-binary people. This doesn't mean that I imitate them, just that it feels more natural for me to move through the world with others perceiving me as a man. So, the socially constructed parts of gender are ways I can live my gender with other people as opposed to just feeling it as this private thing.

[Edit: going back to the whole identity vs. expression vs. roles thing: One of the first things I did when I transitioned was go out and buy a pink men's shirt. I could never wear the color pink before because people saw me as a girl wearing pink. I did not want to be a girl wearing pink. I am a guy who likes the color pink. I found it uncomfortable to express myself through signals of femininity because people saw my role as female/woman and my identity was male. But once I had a male social role, I found it much easier to express my gender with things traditionally associated with femininity. I wanted the feminine expression to be seen in relation to my maleness, not to my perceived femaleness. I know that's convoluted! In practice it just means I stress out a lot less over the color of my clothing than before.]

For you, I would suggest you probably feel more male than you realize, it's just not at the forefront of your consciousness because it is not in conflict with anything. An analogy...When you are lonely, you become acutely aware of your individuality, your longing, your desires, and the various obstacles to ridding yourself of loneliness. When you are with loved ones, that individuality does not disappear, but you no longer feel lonely. Feeling yourself to fall outside of society's gender constructs of man vs. woman is like a type of gender loneliness. If you've always been in the company of people who validate your gender and are in agreement with you about your sex, you're probably not going to dwell on it much.

My husband was excited and wanted to tell his dad as soon as possible. I bought him this book The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be and he is really enjoying it. He says that he likes that it explains what's happening for the mother, but also talks about the father-to-be's feelings. Im relieved because reading a few chapters has convinced him we should wait until after our doctors appointment to tell people, even family.

That said, he did spill the beans to my friend this weekend though by asking if I was drinking decaf coffee, which she told me later was a dead giveaway! Luckily she is my best friend and has two kids of her own, and I explained to her that we haven't even told our parents. So our secret will be safe with her until February.

You can use your cartridge blade just fine to start wetshaving. It's probably easier because you don't have to learn and research about DEs or straights along with wetshaving all at once.

Mantic59's Videos are very good for starting. Wetshaving seems to be more about softening the beard and using soaps and techniques that don't harm your face quite so much as traditional gels and "pushing" on your razor.

All you really need to start is a brush and soap. A bowl can be handy to learn how to lather as well. The Van Der Hagen's Premium set (at a lot of Walmarts and Walgreens) works fairly well, although I would probably get a better brush as those are hit-or-miss. Transitioning to a safety razor or straight edge (think Sweeney Todd) is a bit more difficult (and expensive in the short term, cheaper long-term) since you need to learn new techniques. I'm still learning how to use a DE and it's like learning how to shave all over again (at 26).

This book by Leisureguy is a great reference tool for techniques, products and most other questions you might have. There are tons of threads here about which soaps, brushes, blades and razors are well-liked.

Let the community here know if you have any other questions, I've found them to be pretty awesome and supportive.

>I too thought it was normal, up until I found out that some people actually think about little to nothing sometimes..

Ha! Exactly! It was hard for me to grasp this for the longest time. I would get almost annoyed when I asked my wife what she was thinking about and she would say "nothing really". I'd be like... WHAT?... what do you mean?

I think it was hard too because I have a strong sense of empathy. So when I absolutely could not understand the concept of not thinking, it was very confusing. I could NOT relate, at all. Sad? Angry? Happy? I get all that. Not thinking though..... is that even possible?!?!?

The only reason I understand now is because I looked into ADHD, then it smacked me in the face, hard. What a realization after all of these years. WOW!

>Is distracting yourself the healthy thing to do?

If you are able to replace a negative thought that you don't want in the first place, then yes. If you neglect something that actually needs attention, then that's bad.

I read about the strategy in a book about the brain. Long story short, it's been successful in treating OCD. When someone has an urge to wash their hands, they instead FORCE themselves to go garden etc. Eventually the desire to wash will go away (if successful, duh).

The book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mind-Brain-Neuroplasticity-Mental/dp/0060988479

If you are interested in the subject overall, this book was actually better imo: http://www.amazon.com/Brain-That-Changes-Itself-Frontiers/dp/0143113100/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426110863&sr=1-1&keywords=the+brain+that+changes+itself

>How do you do it?

I'm definitely not a pro, but when I actually do have success, it usually starts with talking to someone close to me and comparing thought processes. Or sometimes I imagine a friend coming to me and asking for help, but I pretend they are using the same arguments I use in my own head. When I do this, I realize that if a friend came to me speaking like I do, I would instantly realize they are being irrational.

Those two things sometimes allow me enough wiggle room to focus on another subject. And if you get this wiggle room, you might have more luck doing something physical that requires attention. I've found that my brain can start acting up very easily if I just explore my own thoughts.

>And don't you get extra fidgety? I get so restless if I try to ignore it.

Sometimes, yes. When it doesn't work, I get very restless. It feels like there is a bunch of energy that wants to release. Very uncomfortable.

Kev, we all try different paths to get us to where we want to go. If this works for you that's great, but for me it wouldn't be sustainable long-term. HcG just seems a little scammy to me, however if you're committed to it, I would throw in some vitamin D too. Breaking 500 is a great first step (it is nice to see the numbers drop!). I do worry that you're not getting enough real food with this diet.

I started well above where you are now so I know where you're coming from in wanting to get it done with (I still don't like to tell others how bad I got). I've tried most of the diets and fads out there, but what finally turned me around was reading Tim Ferris' 4hr body, Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories, Rob Wolff's Paleo Solution, Loren Cordain's Paleo Diet and Mark Sisson's Primal Blueprint. I've culled what works for me from these and have been eating pretty much Paleo/Keto since November. I've dropped over 50lbs since then at about 2000-2200 cals day. I know it's not biggest loser territory, but slow and steady wins the race. Most of all, it's something I can live with long term. So far my only exercise has been walking and some stationary bike.

What made the change easier for me was I found a lifestyle rather than a diet to follow. That's not to say I haven't had the occasional setbacks (god I miss pizza and beer), but I'm getting there and you will too. Best of luck on your quest...

tl/dr - Plan's not for me, don't be afraid to try something else. Knock em dead kid!

$50 kits we put together and $100 kits. These are not definitive, but are to give you an idea of what to look for.

I've not dealt directly with Art of Shaving but this community does not suffer fools and I've never heard them in a bad light. Their prices are a little high but not bad. And if you don't need to pay shipping that's an equalizer.

Assuming that he hasn't beaten me to the punch - Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving - Shaving Made Enjoyable is a great guide.

And of course Mantic59 aka Shave Tutor has a huge assortment of how to videos available for free.

There's also /r/wicked_edge itself and it's madman founder. I'm a straight razor primary shaver but I try to make some general videos as well as the oddball stuff.
Brut isn't a problem in my opinion, if it works for him - great.

As for an easy lathering, that's practice more than anything else.

Some hard truths:

• When people say "writing," what they really mean is "re-writing." Nothing you've ever read has been a first draft. Every first draft is shitty. Just get the words out, you'll be getting rid of most of them anyway, but you have to get them out of your head.
  
• Writing is 80/20 skill/talent. Talent you can't do anything about. Good news for you, because the majority of writers became good by just putting the hours in. It's like learning guitar or becoming good at golf or picking up salsa dancing: practice + time = skill.
  
  Some take-or-leave advice:
  
  
• Start with writing about your life. It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this or not, but it's the best practice out there. The books that helped me with this are What it Is, by Lynda Barry and The Vein of Gold, by Julia Cameron.
  
• If you haven't read Bird by Bird yet, go read it twice.
  
• Keep a vaguely detailed journal of what you did that day. Examples: "Went to class, prof wore that same stained sweater vest today," "Coffee with Julie, talked about the fight she and Brent had about coasters," etc. General life stuff you wouldn't think to write in a journal (if you think the goal of that journal is to document EVERYTHING are the little bits in fiction that make it feel real - go back and read these little quips when you're stuck. They'll help you find your voice again). You can write a page and a half about the color of the leaves on the day you first saw the girl you're going to marry, but the more you can make the reader create the image in their head instead of force-feeding it to them, the more it will resonate with them. This is basically show-don't-tell, or Unpacking.
  
  Hopefully that helps. Otherwise, I owe you 30 seconds of your life back. I will compensate you with Reddit Silver.

The pre shave cream you use your hands to rub into your beard. A little bit goes a long way, so I personally just touch my fingertip to it and rub it into my beard a section at a time.

As far as the shave cream goes... it depends. Shave creams aren't lathered in the bowl they come in (as far as I know. Never seen anyone do it that way.) Some people like to put the cream on their brush, and build the lather on their face. Personally, I like putting the shave cream into a separate mug and building the lather there before putting on my face. Some people even like rubbing the shave cream into their beard before they start lathering.

Shave soaps are similar. You can rub the soap on your face and build the lather there. You can build the lather in the mug the soap is in. You can load the brush with soap and build the lather in another mug. You can even build the lather on your hand if you feel like it.

You need to experiment and see what works best for you. One term you'll see bandied about here is YMMV. It stands for your milage may vary. What works for me doesn't mean it will work for you. It might, but it might not.

A couple of things I recommend. If you haven't already picked up a blade sampler pack, do so. Not all blades are created equally, and everyone has different blades that they prefer over others. Again, YMMV. Watch some of Mantic59's videos. He's around here sometimes and has a lot of information to share. And lastly, pick up Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've referenced it since I picked up this habit. He's also around here giving out advice. And second lastly, welcome :)

There are not enough research papers specifically on gaming addiction because gaming addiction together with social media and pornography falls under the umbrella of internet addiction - Like you said a rather new field. Some breakthroughs are being made in the last years to have it recognized as an addiction per se (at least in Europe) the problem with conducting enough research is that there are no funds and insurance companies have no wish having another area of responsibility to potentially give away money to people suffering from it. If gaming addiction become completely recognized by international bodies of medicine then insurance companies might have to pay preexisting clients for passed and current treatments ---> something they definitely do not want to do.
Nonetheless here are some videos of legit men of science (not some random ex gamer) that research the field.

"Here is a short interview with Dr. David Greenfield talking about some of the mental and physical applications of gaming and internet addiction"


There are also longer talks on his channel like this one.
Dr. Greenfield has been researching Internet addiction since the 90's.


"Dr. Klaus Woelfling, from the University of Mainz. Germany is taking steps in treating Internet addiction and especially gaming addiction" - this one is a difficult watch primarily because the speaker is very uncharismatic (try watching with the speed setting on 1.5).

Last but definitely not least is "Your Brain on Porn"
Yes, yes I know, you might not want to hear that another of your favorite pastimes is bad for you, but this video covers on a very scientific basis the damages that watching excessive pornography causes to the brain, and no this is not some kind of NoFap cult propaganda, it speaks only on the subject of internet porn. Like I said before, porn together with gaming fall under the umbrella of internet addiction because the reaction we receive from these negative habits has the same structure. If you actually watch the Your Brain on Porn video you will hear him mention numerous times that the damages caused to dopamine receptors is similar to the ones cause from gaming and extensive internet use.

This is just some of the evidence done by men of medicine and science from the top of my head. If you want to go deeper I'd recommend The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains By Nicholas Carr an American author and Pulitzer Prize winner (for that book), witch contains truly numerous examples of scientific studies and references you might want in the bibliography.


Also The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge M.D that talks mainly about brain plasticity and how different behaviors and habits cause the brain to form new cells , create new neural pathways etc etc . He also gives lots of examples how positive and negative behaviors causes various changes IN THE BRAIN, Internet addiction stuff included.

If you really want proof and not just searching for a reason to dismiss things you dont like the sound of then I hope this comment will serve you. If you do nothing less at least watch the first interview with Dr. David Greenfield. It is only 6 minutes long.

Hope this post that took me 50 minutes to put together and find all the links, will be of service to somebody.
Peace.

Edit: Grammar and formatting

The beginning was very difficult--trying to lock down ideas, a budget, guest list, and vendors... Then about two months before the wedding (when a things dependent on a timeline started rolling out), my stress kicked back into high gear.

I feel very lucky that I have a supportive family and bridal party, but FH just...doesn't. I'm kind of resentful on his behalf, tbh. Spending so much money (which we have) is also something I don't feel so great about. I tried to roll with punches and keep things low-key, but I can't help but feel like the ante has been upped hardcore. I'm afraid and stressed that expectations won't be met and somehow the day will be RUINED.

I get married on September 30, and I really, really, really wish we had just eloped. </vent>

But! You asked for advice. Here's what I'd recommend:

1. Choose a long engagement. This helps you plan and save $$.
   
2. Make a shared email account for you both to use and contact vendors.
   
3. Google sheets are your friend! Keep lists of people you've contacted, their quotes, etc. It's easy to forget since vendors won't get in touch ASAP, or some will be pushy, etc.
   
4. Prioritize early and often. Make decisions and move on.
   
5. Hire a coordinator. Ours was the best money we've spent this whole process.
   
6. Don't procrastinate!
   
   I'd also recommend reading one of Meg Keene's books about wedding planning.
   
   And finally...congratulations!

Your life isn't pointless. Right now you may be at a low point, even the lowest point you have been in. I believe that struggling in some way, or being sad/depressed/angry/hurt/etc means that you care about something. Something feels like it's not right to you and you want it to be better. Even if it's a vague feeling, or you are struggling because you actually feel nothing at all, this says something. I'm not sure what you are going through since you didn't post many details (which is totally fine), but I wanted to let you know that there have been many times that I have struggled greatly. Due to my past trauma I've had terrible physical problems, emotional problems, dissociation, anxiety, depression, difficulty making and maintaining friendship and connection with others....and on and on. There were times when I was in so much pain (either mentally, emotionally or physically) that I couldn't get out of bed or even barely move for long periods of time. That is a very desperate feeling. I have felt utterly and completely alone in this world, as if I had nothing and no one, and that I would be broken forever.

One thing that really helps me is reading. It was a long journey for me to learn to recognize my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. There are still some areas where I can struggle with this, but I have made so, so much progress it's almost unbelievable to me when I think back to the person I once was. I couldn't identify my own emotions or thoughts, but when I read about scenarios and other peoples emotions/thoughts in certain situations, I could tell when it felt right. Like, "Yes! That is how I felt when _____ happened to me." A few books that really helped me are The Body Keeps Score, and Running On Empty. Other resources that have helped me immensely are hypnosis (one in particular was Michael Mahoney's IBS Audio Program 100 (this cured the IBS I had had for ~25 years, since I was a child)), and Annie Hopper's Dynamic Neural Retraining System. The very first book that I read that gave me hope that I could change my life was The Brain that Changes Itself. I read that book 9 years ago and it set me on a path of real change. It gave me inspiration and hope and the belief that I could really change and improve my life. If you want any other book recommendations let me know, I've read a lot of books and I have even more favorites that have helped me.

There are still areas of my life that I am working to improve, but I am nowhere near the person I was before I started reading and learning. Working through this stuff, and figuring out how to even do it, are very challenging and difficult tasks. But it is so, so worth it. I wish I could really show you and explain to you the profound changes we can make as people. Every epiphany I've had about myself and my life has been amazing and life changing. To me it almost feels like the essence of what it means to be human. I'm not sure if people who don't go through trauma get the chance to experience such profound epiphanies, realization, and change. Maybe I'm just rambling now, but I want you to know that there is hope. You may not have it, but I have it for both of us right now. Read. See a therapist. Learn. Practice. Journal. Seek support. Seek out ways to make a change. It doesn't have to be profound or monumental. Go at your own pace, just be sure that you are going.

I have been diagnosed with BPD officially for a year now. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2. Honestly my experience with medication hasn't been great. I totally hear you about feeling like a lab rat. Currently I am on Guanfacine, which is normally an ADD/Autism med meant to curb impulsivity. I have been on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-depressants all of which were minimally effective and had shitty side effects. However, I HAVE SEEN MARKED IMPROVEMENT since I have started a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. DBT is similar but different than CBT, and was specifically designed for BPD. It is essentially Buddhism meets Western psych. I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH. I went through an intensive CBT program before starting the DBT program and didn't see any results despite a lot of effort. The entire point of DBT is learning skills to manage your reactions to triggers. You can control your brain not the other way around. I linked to the wiki page about DBT in another comment, but here's kind of the run down. A PROPER DBT program will consist of two parts, group therapy and individual therapy. In group therapy you discuss and learn skills meant to help you regulate emotions, increase stress tolerance, decrease vulnerability to triggers, and improve interpersonal relationships. You use a textbook, current edition here: https://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=FY8PYY4YF8P0KGPYH603
and you work through the worksheets and diagrams as weekly "homework". Mindfulness exercises are also a part of group therapy, often in the form of a guided meditation. In individual therapy you work through problems you are facing in your life and see when/how to apply the skills you are learning in group. Focus is on how to deal with current issues and triggers rather than digging really deep into why you have BPD, so if you have co-morbid PTSD you should be ok ( although it does deal with how to apply skills to thoughts/feelings brought up by past trauma). Again, I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH. Also, be careful of half-ass programs. Like I said a proper program with have both Group and Individual therapy. Often, there are Group programs floating around on their own, which are more support groups than skills training. Do your research on a the place providing the therapy before diving in to ensure it is the full skills training. I also recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Buddha-Borderline-Recovery-Personality-Dialectical/dp/157224710X it was very inspiring.

I can't help with makeup. I don't wear any. At all. Unless I'm going on a job interview.

It took me about 15 years to figure out how to deal with hot, humid weather, and curly hair. Here are all my secrets.

1. I don't wash my hair very often. Like, every three days. The natural oil in my hair helps hold the curl together and frizz less. I also use sulfate free shampoo to keep more of my natural oil in my hair when I do wash it. Your hair gets frizzy in the humidity because it's too dry.
   
   
2. I plop my hair after I do wash it. You would be amazed how much difference it makes in keeping my curls tight, and together. I use a mousse or a cream in my dripping wet hair before I plop it.
   
   
3. I have learned a half dozen up-do's from Lilith Moon for curly hair that make my hair look really "done" but seriously take 5 minutes. I'm actually wearing my hair in one right now. Long curly hair in Texas in 110 degree weather equals heatstroke. So I wear it up.
   
   
4. I pick hairstyles that already look a bit messy on purpose, so that if a hair gets out of place here or there, it's not a big deal. It still looks "right."
   
   These secrets only work of course if you are willing to embrace your curly hair and work with it, instead of trying to attain perfectly flat-ironed hair that only exists in magazines and on people who naturally have absolutely no body in their hair. If you're trying to get straight hair in this weather and your hair naturally curls or waves, well, good luck with that. If you're still struggling with your curly girl identity, I suggest you read this book. It was the only thing that convinced me that curly hair is beautiful too.

This may help

A helpful way to visualize it might also be to consider it this way. Sexuality is a spectrum, similarly gender identity, and gender expression are also two different spectrums. While these three spectrums influence each other, no single one is completely influenced by another. One can even make the arguement that physical sex is also a spectrum given intersex people and other variations in physical sex.

A person who is Transgender is someone whose gender identity doesn't align with their physical sex

Transsexual is more of a medical term to describe transgender folk who have made steps or are making steps to change their physical sex to correlate with their gender identity, whether through hormones or surgery.

While all people who are transsexuals are transgender, it is not the case that all people who are transgender are transsexuals. Given that being transsexual is essentially a medical status it is often more useful for us to simply go with a shorthand when describing ourselves and say that we are trans. After all you wouldn't go around telling people about whatever medical procedures or treatments you might be going through.

Now a Cisgendered person is someone whose gender identity matches up with their physical sex. Being cisgendered is to being transgender as being heterosexual is to being homosexual, just different spectrums.

What your describing in your post isn't necessarily transgender behavior so much as a deviation from the norm of gender expression. You may enjoy stereotypically female behaviors, but you probably still identify as male, prefer male pronouns, present yourself as a male to others ect, ect.
Variations in gender expression is why we can have butch ladies and effeminate dudes, they're not trans necessarily they are just in different areas on the gender expression spectrum. Keep in mind though that since gender expression and gender identity are two separate spectrums you can have people like a butch trans-woman, or an effeminate trans-man, but trans and cis pretty much exclusively describes the relationship between physical sex and gender identity.

If you're looking to do a bit of reading I highly recommend Julia Serano's Whipping Girl for a pretty in depth analysis of these topics, and a fantastic read on top of that.

Honestly, as convenient as it is to point to studies showing brain differences and claim its a biological difference, there are also studies that indicate there isn't much brain difference between men and women to begin with. I don't believe that being trans is determined solely by biology, even if that does turn out to be a factor for some people.

The real truth is that no one is 100% sure why some people are trans and some people who present and act almost the same way are not. There's no way to tell who will be trans and who won't.

Think about a quiet person, who is sitting on their own in a busy coffee shop. They could identify themself any number of ways - maybe they are shy and anxious and wish they could reach out to people. Maybe they are introverted and enjoy being there on their own. Maybe they are just waiting for someone. But their behaviour looks the same to an outsider regardless of their internal identity. Only they know the truth of the matter.

Gender identity is a combination of many factors. It can be related to sex, sexual orientation, or behaviour for some people, and for some people it has nothing to do with any of those things. Gender identity is the personal relationship that you have to your body (i.e. to your biology), your relationship to the way other people view your body as a gendered body (i.e. to society's ideas about your assigned gender), and your relationship to your own thoughts and feelings about gender (i.e. how you have incorporated ideas about gender from society). If you grow up and all of these things align in a positive way, you are cisgender - you feel that your internal thoughts and feelings about your gender, the way society sees your gender, and how your body looks to you all match up. If one or more of these things don't gel with you, you might be trans or you might just play around with gender.

It's really something that most people have to explore for themselves to figure out - while there are some trans people who just inherently know they are actually a different gender than people say they are from a young age, there are also many trans people who have to experiment until they find out what works best with them and then base their identity off that. There are cisgender (non-trans) people who experiment with gender presentation but still feel most comfortable identifying as the gender they were assigned at birth.

Basically, what it means when someone says they are 'male' or 'a man' means that they identify as and are a man. Just think about the immense amount of difference between cisgender men. There are feminine cisgender men, masculine cisgender men, androgynous cisgender men, cisgender stay at home dads, cisgender businessmen, every possible variation under the sun. Almost half our population is made up of cis men. What does it mean to belong to such a huge population? Well, it's dependent on what that man's culture says being a man is, and how that man relates to that, and how that man relates to himself. It's entirely determined by us, whether we are cisgender or transgender.

(edited to add links to an article about Cordelia Fine's research and the amazon page for her book, Delusions of Gender)

Congratulations :D

I was referred to the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin (http://www.amazon.com/The-Birth-Partner-Childbirth-Companions/dp/155832819X) which is, as far as I can tell, completely devoid of humor.

It is mostly focused on assisting your partner in pregnancy and birth (like explaining what she might be thinking/feeling and what you might be thinking/feeling at various points in pregnancy and labor), and also provides a lot of information for prepping for having a newborn at home, like lists of supplies that are necessary.

It also has a bias towards natural birth and home birth, and against "medicalized birth", but that's easy enough to ignore in favor of the wealth of other information it offers.

Best of luck!

• I really enjoyed Blood, Marriage, Wine & Glitter. I read Bear's other two memoirs first and found it fascinating to follow along their evolution, but you could read this as a stand alone.
  
• I've been meaning to read Pregnant Butch and just haven't gotten around to it.
  
• The Longest Shortest Time is a podcast that isn't explicitly queer, but does have some queer focused episodes.
  
  
  For non queer books:
  
  
• I also really enjoyed Bringing Up Bebe.
  
• The Birth Partner has been much recommended, but I'm not planning to read it until I'm pregnant again and much further along.
  
• Coping With Infertility, Miscarriage, and Neonatal Loss: Finding Perspective and Creating Meaning is something I'm currently reading. It's pretty good, although I actually do therapy so a lot of it is not new to me.
  
• Expecting Better
  
• NurtureShock I really, really enjoyed this. It's kind of like Freakonomics, but about parenting.
  

If your son already hates the church then nothing is going to change in his life, except maybe he won't want to party as much if he knows it isn't a sin. Seriously though, just talk with him about all of that stuff and I am sure he will be fine. I would recommend not be overly restrictive with him. My mother did that to me and I went party crazy when I moved in with my dad and was free from her chains.

Also, just because your son may become an atheist along with you does not mean he is more likely to be a party animal. That is a non sequitur. The church would have you believe things like that. I would recommend picking up a book on how to raise atheist kids like this, or pick up some books on child psychology. I remember all the wonderful things I learned in my child psychology class and will be going through that textbook again if I ever decide to have children. Best of luck.

Well, I strongly identify as a trans-feminist, and I am often hesitant of feminist spaces that aren't queer-centric for the very reasons that you list. However, for me it is important to educate those feminists who are transphobic or cissexist etc to help broaden feminist thought into a more intersectional frame of thought that addresses the sexism of all different identities.

I personally really care about LGBT+ things (and as you can see the LGB movements have not always been trans friendly either), and feminism as well. I assure you that not all feminists are like those individuals your friends experienced, and I am sorry they both had to go through that. It sounds like what they experienced is what Julia Serano has called "cissexism" or, "the belief that transsexuals' identified genders are inferior to, or less authentic than, those of cissexuals." This sort of sexism is something that I think the feminist movements would benefit from addressing.

I know that it can get really depressing reading and experiencing feminists being transphobic and cissexist etc, but one author (and really great speaker) who I have really enjoyed reading is Julia Serano, who is a trans woman and a feminist. You can check out her book "Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity" and I am looking forward to her new book coming out called "Excluded: Making Feminist and Queer Movements More Inclusive" which I think is something you might be interested in looking into.

I was diagnosed at age 32 myself. At first, I felt a combination of emotions. First, there was relief that there was a name for what I'd been dealing with. This was then followed by feeling like I was somehow defective. Another guy at church recommended a book to me, and I want to recommend it to you. Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception by Thom Hartmann!. It helped me see that I'm not defective but wired differently.

Another great book that I browsed was Driven to Distraction by Ed Hallowell!.

For me, meds just help turn down the static and are part of a wholistic approach to taking care of myself. I have noticed, as you shared, that I seem to get more done when I not only remember to take my meds but also am getting enough sleep, eating the right kinds of foods, and getting exercise.

Welcome to the world of Hunters! :)

OK.

The single best evo-psych book I can think of is

The Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker. It's extremely readable as well as very informative.

Where you'd want to go next depends on what you'd like to learn more about, and whether you liked Stephen Pinker as an author.

If you'd like to know more about the genetics that underlying the evo-psych then you want.

The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins

If you're interested specifically in what evo-psych has to say about human sexuality you want

The Evolution of Desire by David Buss

And if you really like Stephen Pinker and want to know what evo psych means for human societies I'd recommend

The Angels of our Better Nature by Stephen Pinker

or (if you don't like Pinker)

Origins of Virtue by Matt Ridley.

I've given you US Amazon links, and no. I don't get a cut :(

There are variations of it, but it's all generally based on this book. Different people do different things depending on their hair but the most common themes are those with natural curls cutting out shampoo with sulfates and silicones in hair products in order to maintain the natural oils and maximize moisture in their hair as well as just not washing your hair every day to not strip out the oils as well. Since curls are naturally dry (in most cases), and shampoos strip out moisture while most silicones prevent hair from being properly hydrated over time due to build-up, the CG method eliminates those so curls can always be hydrated and properly nourished. For most people this means an improvement in the appearance of their curls.

For me, I wash with conditioner only, use 0 silicones aside from the 2-3 times a year when I straighten my hair and never ever use shampoo unless I'm removing said silicones those few times a year. It keeps my curls from being super frizzy and has drastically improved the appearance of my curls as a whole.

Hi there!

This comment's going to get fucking buried, and you'll probably never see it, but I've gotta fucking try anyway.

You've just had a "Harajuku" moment: You're fat, and you'll stay that way unless you do things differently.

So, you need two things.

First, you need real data about yourself.

Second, you need some system in place that can give you immediate results that are compelling enough to keep you committed, which is easy to implement, and which doesn't rely on willpower. Because fuck willpower.

So, the first thing you need to do is take measurements. get a tape measure and measure various parts of your body: I started with biceps, chest, belly, hips (at the widest place) and thighs. Take these measurements every day, because they'll make the bad days better and the good days excellent, no matter how scary it seems at first.

Tracking weight is better than nothing, but be aware that muscle weighs more than fat, so if you go the exercise route, you'll see weight gain when you're actually losing fat and gaining muscle. So I use a tape measure for preference.

Second, you need to keep track of your eating in as lazy of a way as possible: I recommend using your phone to take a picture of every meal before you eat it. Put your hand on the table next to your plate so you have some idea of the scale.

I recommend getting this book, because it covers every aspect of whatever your goals might be- sex, steroids, bodybuilding, fat loss, biochem diet hacking, and a lot more. Like I said- fast results that are compelling and will help you stay on track. I've got over 100 lbs to lose and this has got me well on the way.

Steal this book if you have to. Pirate it- it's available online- if you have no option. Pay the author back later if you have the opportunity. But get it, because my data shows better results from this than anything else I've seen or tried, with less effort, and no willpower.

This is an excellent guide to how to stretch, here. The only problem is that it doesn't really tell you what stretches to do, although in your case it sounds like you need to do more dynamic stretches. So for a big fat book of different types of stretches I would look at Relax into Stretch. I was able to find it at my local library. Another resource that I have not used, but came to me highly recommened is Stretching Scientifically. Using these programs you should be able to get into the splits in anywhere from 6 months to a year. Also, make sure you are doing strengthening exercises as well. Safe flexibility depends a large part on your strength.

Tl;DR read this and begin practicing boot to face TKD very soonly.

There's a therapy called DBT. You can buy the book from Amazon (there's a manual and a workbook most people recemmend from Dr. Linehan). but here's a pdf that someone from this group linked up (can't recall who or I'd give them daps) that looks like a nice overview and it's free wooo lol. Learning about this therapy has given me soooo much hope. I hope it does the same for you!

First off, there is no perfect. We're lead to believe every wedding decision should be magical. Wow that's a lot of pressure to feel divinely inspired about minutia. In reality, you're simply planning a party and celebration of your relationship. That practical view doesn't make it any less wonderful!

Just remember that you can't make a wrong decision because there is no rigid, celestial plan - we're all making it up as we go! Some choices will matter to you more than others. It's really okay if you don't care about table linens, programs, or boutonnieres. Go with something you and your FH likes and move on happily.

I'm not sure how far into wedding planning you are, but the first thing you may need to do is get a general sense of the type of wedding you want. It's really hard to make decisions about little stuff when you don't have a big picture view in mind. I read A Practical Wedding by Meg Keene and it really helped me to envision the type of wedding I wanted.

Good luck and congrats!

I've definitely done a lot of exploring; I am trans, after all. I buried my femininity under many layers of repression and denial, and couldn't properly embrace it until I learned to understand it in positive terms. For a long time I thought "if femininity is a social construction, then my desire for it must be artificial and flawed", and this way of thinking held me back from transition. Once I learned to view femininity as both natural and positive, I easily gravitated towards it.

You can certainly feel free to spread this way of visualizing gender tendencies, and I should also mention that I got this explanation from Whipping Girl, which is an excellent book that I highly recommend.

First, with your statement about the biological gender distinctions:

>So your statement "there are only two sexes because for time beyond time, humans have said there are only two sexes", could be true with gender, but is not true with our definition on sex.

I would debunk this, but it's been done better by trans women before me, an easy-to-digest and sited example of with can be found here.

The study you refer to in particular by Simon Baron-Cohen was actually the subject of some controversy. It was strongly panned in Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender a book about the bad science behind the neuroscience of sexual dimorphism. Simon Baron Cohen responded and they had a bit of a back and forth about it in The Psychologist from which I will pull this:

>This study departed from the best standards of methodology for this kind of work in a number of ways. One concern was that, since attention is very fluid in the first days of life, it is usual to present the two stimuli simultaneously. Baron-Cohen dismisses this on the grounds that stimulus order was counter-balanced. However, the published report refers only to stimulus order being “randomized”. There was a drop-out rate of about a third, and no information is provided to reassure that stimulus order was not a confounding variable. ... inadequate measures were made to blind the experimenter (who was also the first author) to the babies’ sex, so as to avoid experimenter-expectancy effects. (For example, the mobile might have been unintentionally moved more for boys.)

As for the Trond Diseth play test: I sat through a crummy documentary which was the only place I could find any indication of his discussion of the play test, which actually ended up being quite useful in understanding the task and immediately seeing issues. The toys are in gendered colors. Regardless of a baby's understanding of language, a baby whose toys are pink is probably going to quickly develop a "pink" preference. Furthermore, I cannot find a peer-reviewed publication by Dr. Diseth that addresses the this test. Please tell me if you can find it on his list of publications. One of his papers sites an actual study of a play test with the findings you attribute to Dr. Diseth. Authors of this study? First, second, third, fourth, AND final author? All female scientists, by the way. Their study is of CAH children 1-10. Still no support for the test being appropriate for infants, or the statement Dr. Diseth made in Hjernevask (the documentary which is the place where I assume you pull this claim "one study done by a Professor Trond Diseth, found differences between what toys boys and girls choose to play with at nine months of age"). This statement made by Dr. Diseth seems to only be referenced on MRA websites… curious.

You follow with "This is before children have developed a comprehension of speech (so the cultural gender influence is still very low)." I don't know where you pull this supposition parental that influence on sex-typed toy play behavior in infants is purely verbal. Infant behavior is affected by parental interaction from birth, verbal or not. This reinforces again my theory (equally as unsupported by evidence as yours is) that IF a sex-typed toy preference exists (which there is no evidence for) there is an equally viable explanation that toy preference is caused by the gendered toys already in the infant's possession.

Are you starting to see now that you can basically make up any explanation you want with the evidence that is currently available to us?

You say these differences, which may or may not exist but for which there is no empirical evidence, come from hormonal differences in pre-natal development, but provide no direct evidence of this link between pre-natal hormones and gender role behavior. Nor does anybody else. If you would like to provide a source for this statement, I would gladly review it because whoever is currently providing your sources lacks the ability to put things in context for you as a non-scientist.

It is true that we do not have all the information empirically about gender role behavior developmental differences. This means that the evidence we do have can be and is interpreted wildly. Throughout your response, you conflate "gender role behavior" and "gender identity," (amusingly you use sex and gender interchangeably until this post where you use this as the thing that makes your opponent wrong) mis-attribute and de-contextualize "studies," and make an incredible amount of completely and entirely unsupported statements. Yet you somehow feel comfortable in claiming that you have scientific evidence that states that feminist claims are "over the top." Your claims that somehow the unsupported preference of nine-month-old infants to play with dolls or action figures are different because of prenatal hormones can be generalized to "some gender stereotypes may come from nature and should not always be labelled sexist or harmful" is over the top. You're the one being silly here.

The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy was a gift from a friend and my absolute favorite when I was pregnant. I've gifted it to several friends since. "What to Expect" I found surprisingly off-putting, much more "What to Expect if You Are Married and Upper-Middle Class".

For later, I loved Simplicity Parenting, Baby-Led Weaning, and The Happiest Baby on the Block. Those last three I got from our local library.

Just had our first. We don't live near family, but leaned on friends a lot. When someone asks you if you need help, say yes and give them a task. For me getting people to make meals helped a TON.

Also about there not being any resources for men, grab The Expectant Father. It discusses some of the exact issues you're dealing with.

Good luck and stay strong 👊

> It ends there?

On our end? Yes, the whole plan is: be honest. Period. End plan.

From then on it's up to them, the Muslims. Can the peaceful minority of Muslims convince the violent majority to change? I hope they can, and historical evidence tell us that they will. Given time and proper transparency. People like Reza Aslan, instead of telling atheists to lie about Islam, should be telling Muslims to stop stoning gay people.

On Better Angels of our Nature, Steven Pinker thoroughly demonstrate that spread of information and reason are, by far, the greatest causes of the reduction of violence. So the best thing we can do to accelerate the process is: tell the truth, be honest, stop lying about it.

Great book, I highly recommend that you read it: http://www.amazon.com/The-Better-Angels-Our-Nature/dp/0143122010