Reddit mentions: The best love & loss books

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

My wife arrives home from a longer-than-planned 14 mile run, giving me a
bit of bonus time for my walk this morning. I decide: Some walking & hiking for
fitness, some walking for strolling around the library book sale. Elapsed
time on foot: 1h 45m.

It was also of those days when you grab your stuff without checking what you
already had on you, and end up with a fun assortment of functional
duplicates.

Manifest, mostly top-down and L-R order:

• Outdoor Products waist pack. This thing holds so much stuff. I love it, it's a bit goofy for normal walks around town but for longer walks or medium-length hikes it's amazing. I think I could do a comfortable overnighter with just this pack.
  
• Casio AEQ-200W wristwatch. I really like the light on this watch
  
• Hawaii keychain
  
• Sony earbud headphones w/ USB-C adapter
  
• Whistle (handy when you're hiking and need to get your 7 y.o. son to come back from a half mile away)
  
• Kitchen trash bag (litter pickup around holidays or protecting items in bag from sudden rain)
  
• Green generic bluetooth headphones from Amazon (not great)
  
• White handkerchief (had no idea how convenient these are)
  
• Blue windshield wiper #1 for my glasses
  
• Blue Sky Notes spiral-bound notebook. I love the grid + lined layout.
  
• Bic multi-pen
  
• Black windshield wiper #2
  
• Antiseptic wipes
  
• Various band-aids
  
• Wintergreen Breath Savers mints
  
• XyloBurst Cinnamon gum
  
• Uni JetStream blue ballpoint pen
  
• Zebra F-701 ballpoint pen
  
• Moto Z Droid phone
  
• Victorinox SD Classic pocketknife (2)
  
• CRKT Carson Design M16-10KZ
  
• Gerber Paraframe
  
• Victorinox Cadet (Black Alox)
  
• Pocket change
  
• Small 2d6 Dice. Remember you can always invent a game if you're bored. Using the ms reading on stopwatch as a PRNG also works.
  
• Super old mini-wallet (photo / ID holder from a larger wallet). I have tried so many wallets but I keep using this. 20+ years old?
  
• /r/thexeffect card inside Kokuyo PVC card holder
  
• Books from library book sale ($2 total): Do What You Are, Meeting the Shadow, Great Scientific Experiments, More Joy of Lex. The first two books were on my Amazon wish list. Holy smokes!
  
  Not pictured: Squeeze bottle with 20 oz. Jolly Rancher Green Apple-flavored
  Singles to Go powder mixed with water. I love this flavor. Also: Library book bag, kept rolled up in waist pack.
  
  I extended my two favorite SAK tools, the mini scissors for hangnails and
  the precision screwdriver from the Cadet for all kinds of screws incl.
  phillips. Love that thing.
  

>If you're only doing them without the Jungian part, then you're practicing new-age spirituality, which is also fine of course, but not the same thing.

Yeah, this.

It would be encouraging if the 'new agers' (not said disparagingly, I used to self identify in such a manner) understood this.

......................................................................


OP, good answers in ITT, as to approach.

A practical tool for aiding this is keeping a journal.

Depending on background, situation (age, etc) and available resources therapy might be worth considering.

With Jung's model there's a personal shadow and a collective aspect. This is not easy to distinguish.

Keep in mind, when Jung writes about this process, more broadly individuation not just 'shadow work', he is speaking to and out of a therapeutic context usually conducted relationally and dialogically alongside another. He also spoke of an age, a stage in life when it seems to more naturally occur. But I'm not sure how that holds today. Individuation, and the encounter with shadow in its more dramatic forms can be prompted by varying events and life experiences it seems irrespective of life stage or age.

Many of us are trying to do this work on our own. There's some differences.

Here's some words from Jung that seem pertinent, even if they don't exactly go into the how of the process. Of note is how he speaks of a disturbance here, which it strikes me you are in (following your self description):

>The collective instincts and fundamental forms of thinking and feeling whose activity is revealed by the analysis of the unconscious constitute, for the conscious personality, an acquisition which it cannot assimilate without considerable disturbance. It is therefore of the utmost importance in practical treatment to keep the integrity of the personality constantly in mind. For, if the collective psyche is taken to be the personal possession of the individual, it will result in a distortion or an overloading of the personality which is very difficult to deal with. Hence it is imperative to
make a clear distinction between personal contents and those of the collective psyche. This distinction is far from easy, because the personal grows out of the collective psyche and is intimately bound up with it. So it is difficult to say exactly what contents are to be called personal and what collective. There is no doubt, for instance, that archaic symbolisms such as we frequently find in fantasies and dreams are collective factors. All basic instincts and basic forms of thinking and feeling are collective. Everything that all men agree in regarding as universal is collective, likewise everything that is universally understood, universally found, universally said and done. On closer examination one is always astonished to see how much of our so-called individual psychology is really collective. So much, indeed, that the individual traits are completely overshadowed by it. Since, however, individuation is an ineluctable psychological necessity, we can see from the ascendancy of the collective what very special attention must be paid to this delicate plant “individuality” if it is not to be completely smothered.

CW 7, para. 241

It's a slow process, be patient. Learn how to hold intensity, density, of consciousness and your particular discontents. Learn how to be present and hold to whatever is with you and comes up. Each little insight is important. There is always more.

Learn how to read your dreams, figure out what your particular symbolic language means (the journal as aforementioned can help with tracking this). The shadow is a regular feature in dreams as much as in projections and behaviour.

One of Jung's methods involved working with dreams. Another was employing a technique, active imagination, but he had a caveat about this; ego integrity and strength is a requirement.

There's an image process and there's affect and embodiment attendant. These are entangled.

If you're dealing with issues of addiction and/or non-sobriety perhaps a 12-step program isn't amiss? (interestingly Jung was an instrumental influence in its founding).

As to books, Jung's work is dense, it can take a while to work through it and gain some clarity about his model and concepts. If you're at the beginning start with the recommendations here.

In relation specifically to the shadow, another reader in the sub recently recommended this book: Meeting The Shadow. It includes some material from Jung himself but is a compilation of multiple authors (I haven't read it in a few decades so I can't comment personally about its content).

There's a couple of compilations of excerpts from Jung's Collected Works volumes that might be helpful too. One on dreams simply called Dreams. The other concerns active imagination, also excerpts from the CW, compiled by Joan Chodorow; Jung on Active Imagination.

This is a tough one. I say this as someone with a weight problem myself.

First, I think you need to keep the emphasis on the self-care aspect rather than the attractiveness aspect -- that you are concerned that she's not taking care of herself, rather than you are concerned because she's becoming less attractive to you.

Second, she needs to figure out what's happening with her. Is she overeating for some reason? Is she using food to deal with emotions? Has she stopped making good food choices, or has she always eaten the way she is now, but now she's gaining weight because she's become sedentary? And why has she become sedentary? Why did she stop running? You can help her with this if she'll let you. If she's using food to deal with emotions, I recommend books by Geneen Roth. She may also be depressed.

When (and if) she gets ready to deal with weight loss, then make it something you do together. Make meals together, count calories/macros together, exercise together. Be encouraging and patient.

But remember that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. It's up to your girlfriend to decide she's ready to do something about her body size. And as a woman, it's hard to do something about it if you feel it's a condition of your S.O.'s love for you. It's a vicious cycle, because if you feel bad about yourself because you're overweight, you want to soothe yourself with food.

I think the best you can do is encourage her and emphasize the togetherness aspect of getting and being healthy -- that you can do it together, and that being fit will allow you to do more fun things together. Make it a positive thing, not a punitive thing.

And when she does eat stuff that you think is contributing to the problem, bite your tongue at the time it's happening. Nobody likes feeling watched and judged. But later, maybe the next day, you can gently ask her about it -- "I noticed you ate a pint of ice cream -- were you feeling bad?" If she can become comfortable talking about, rather than eating about feelings, it will help her a lot, now, and for the rest of her life.

This may or may not help. Sometimes people just aren't ready to change in the time frame we have in mind for them. You may get tired of waiting. Good luck.

Right there with ya, bud. From 18-31 I was in a relationship all but a year and a bit. Honestly, this is the best part of being single. There are no rules, other than treat others as you want to be treated. I separated from my ex January 2017, but only really became "single" January this year as I was living under the same roof as her last year while separated. Focus on you and your child, first and foremost. Take the time to enjoy being single. Make sure you're connecting with friends and family, take up hobbies, and just enjoy this time. The day will come when you will find someone else, but until then, figure out the life you want and make a plan to get there. Also resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship. It's your life, but generally it's a good idea to work on yourself and figure out what went wrong in the marriage before you get involved seriously with another person. Again, it's your life, and you'll know when you feel ready, but when the loneliness hits it is far too easy to feel the urge to get with the first person who might give you attention.

I wish you luck. It can be scary, sad, lonely at times, but it is SO worth it. Sending you love, brother. You've got this. One more thing; my therapist recommended the book below to me, and I am slowly working my way through it and wish I had found it sooner. Hope it helps.

​

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CFGRH52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

> a body of work that sets up a sort of boundary

Sorry to skip all of the other lovely things you've written about before this, but this is something that I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, wondering whereabouts I fit into the tradition of boundary-setting—and this is where I find Woolf particularly helpful for me. I'm not yet well-read or experienced enough, but it seems to me that the boundary toward which Woolf was working (if not actually demarcated—though, like /u/LiterallyAnscombe, I think there's plenty of material to further explore) is more discrete, more fragmented across her works than, say, the boundary demarcated by the Wake. I follow in her mostly being preoccupied with Time, but where her primary questions often seemed to be Who or Whom, mine is almost exclusively Where. Elizabeth Bishop, in her "Dimensions for a Novel" essay, has offered me the best ideas where to start, but I'm really beginning to think that setting the boundary of completely evading Time, chronology, temporality in the Novel is entirely beyond my capability. And to some extent, Joyce already does this in the Wake, though I'd like to engage a much more readable style, something more akin to my Guiding Light, The Waves. My "canonical strangeness" (if it's ever to be developed to full maturity) will most likely be quiet and accumulative—perhaps I'll be forgotten even as I'm being read, and somehow that seems appropriate. What I find absolutely fascinating, though, to take a step back to something you mention in an earlier comment I meant to address, I'm not sure if it's our Ultimate Allegiances falling separately to Joyce and Woolf, but I find it interesting that we are essentially working in opposite directions: you would like to concretize that which is air, and I would like to evaporate that which is concrete.

To address the thread you had going over at /r/AskLiteraryStudies, though, The Waves and Between the Acts are easily the two most important works or projects of the last third of Woolf's career. I would also highly, highly suggest trying to find her Writer's Diary. It's not as good as the five-volume set, but it's much easier to find and provides a very respectable introduction to or summary of the complete diaries.

also more bun-buns 4 u

Oof, it's hard, isn't it?

We had 16 great years together, but now she wants to spread her love all over town and I'm not going along with it. She told me recently that she made a mistake in saying "yes" long ago. Not when we got married, but three years before that when we were dating, trying an open relationship, and I gave her an ultimatum of "Micah or me-- your pick." She now says the last 13 years were a mistake. It's shattered me.

I have found A LOT of strength in Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I'm not all the way through the book, but so far it's been immense. You gotta do the exercises, they're soooo helpful. And the theory of the book, ekeru, is, to me, incredibly beautiful, inspiring, and gives me strength.

I doubt you're no longer cute. You just gotta work on loving yourself and finding that cute that's already inside you. If you have a problem with what's on the outside, then when you find the inside cute, I have a feeling the outside will follow along.

Love yourself. Work on yourself. Reclaim your self. That's the hardest part (and I'm right there with you), and when you can finally sit in a room by yourself and be perfectly content, you'll know you did the work and you're stronger than you were even 16 years ago.

Go you, homie.

Oh your experience resonates, especially the twin flame thing - that's a whole trauma in itself. I'm sorry things are a bit rubbish. Some ideas...

This book quite literally saved me https://www.amazon.com/Self-Care-Self-Aware-Sensitive-Empaths-Intuitives/dp/1452578567/. It is short but awesome.

One commentator suggested get off Facebook, which is in the right direction but perhaps a little extreme. Facebook got palatable for me when I realised that what we show on Facebook isn't reality, it's what we want people to believe is our reality. So just remember - it isn't real, it's but the 1% of our lives we feel looks cool. The 99% which is less impressive - people don't share... so perspective is crucial.

In terms of using your abilities in a constructive way - I managed to do it, but it took me until my mid-40s and an immense amount of pain! But OMG my life is so much better since. I've got a web site documenting a bit of my journey https://thepsychicceo.com.

I'm happy to chat further - PM me on Reddit if desired. I do readings on a part time amateur basis if that's helpful.

Being an empath sucks, but if you pay attention, manage it, and look after yourself - it's a hugely special ability. I feel blessed by it, I hope in time you will too.

Take care...

There were two angles that specifically helped me get a foothold in the whole body acceptance thing: individual stories that didn't feel too preachy and studies/analysis of women's body image on a societal level. Basically, writing that was more practical and useful than fluffy, often grating "Love yourself!" type campaigns.

It basically started when I took a Gender and Society class that had a great unit on body image. I did some more reading on the subject independently after that, and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies had a big impact on me, since it breaks down lots of possible reasons behind food and weight obsession with an eye toward cultural influence. It's also full of practical strategies for learning how to eat like a healthy person, which I needed quite a lot.

Then there are the personal stories, and those are great for me in blog form to read on the regular. Lesley Kinzel (who writes at xoJane and has a book, Two Whole Cakes) is my personal favorite. Writing like hers and scrolling through plus-size fashion blogs is a kind of exposure therapy for me. I was so afraid of fat for so long, but I can only read/see so many women being simultaneously fat and happy before it sinks in and I have to question my beliefs about weight. As viscerally true as it can feel sometimes, gaining or failing to lose weight won't sentence me to a life of misery. It's a big shift to accept that as true, since that was the root of body image issues for me: fat=miserable and alone. Obviously, it isn't that simple. So I pull that thinking apart and question it hard, and the body positive blogs are really useful for that. But I don't like reading anything that's telling me that I have to feel one way or another, even in the positive "love yourself!" way, so it helps to hear it demonstrated through the experiences of someone else. Way less preachy and more practical.

It seems quite likely that the trip has started to shake things up deep inside you, which now needs further enquiry in order to process and integrate. In my opinion, the very fact that you chose this character's name does seem to lean towards a need for shadow work on your journey, but I am of course just taking a stab here.

I found the following two books extremely helpful on my own path and would recommend them to anybody interested in further exploration of the shadow side of the psyche. The first is a brilliant and varied collection of short essays on the shadow in various different areas of our life. The second focuses more on the technique of using dream work and active imagination to dialogue with one's unconscious. In my experience, active imagination is a very powerful practice, and one that is very much overlooked.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Nature-Consciousness/dp/087477618X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1512061792&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=meting+the+shadow

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=inner+work

This video also sprung to mind. It is a short lecture given by Anne Shulgin on working with the shadow in mdma/2cb sessions. Definitely worth checking out, if you haven't already done so: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiFFzoaR25U

Yes. Have to find positive ways to direct anger. There are so many people in need in the world. Direct the frustration to making a difference for them. We are all upset by what happened.

• Let's start LGBTAQ acceptance and support groups in our community. We have one in mine for teens and college students and it has grown so much since its inception. It is a god send for these kids.
  
  
• Let's reach out to those who need basic needs met, such as women and children in temporary home facilities. They may need child care while attending classes, and the facility might need meal donations and workers to help prepare and serve the meals. Also, the facility might need help with small repairs like painting, wall patching, and general housekeeping.
  
  
• Let's encourage and foster relationships with our elderly populations. Reading to a shut in or ill person in hospice (or any assisted living center) will give us the opportunity to learn the wisdom they have spent a life time gathering. Let their forgotten voices be heard.
  
  
• Let's work together to learn why some open-minded people might have supported Trump for president. When we don't understand each other, we can't find common ground. We are all people, we just see the world through different lenses of life experience. You can find common ground with most anyone, I promise. The fear of the unknown about someone can grow into assumptions and stereotypes.
  
  
• Let's use this time for self-reflection and a rally for projecting positivity to those who need our help, instead of talking about cutting people down who believe differently from us. It will help you sort emotions and beliefs and you will come out of this stronger.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I recommend counseling for both of you individually and possibly marriage counseling so you can really discuss this with a third party who can help lead the conversation. I recently read an excellent book called "Intimate Deception" by Dr. Sheri Keffer (https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Deception-Healing-Wounds-Betrayal/dp/0800729129). It really goes into the different reasons men find themselves addicted to porn and also helps you process your feelings about it. I highly recommend it.

I also recommend looking into Accountable2You (https://www.accountable2you.com) an internet accountability and monitoring software. He can put it on his computer and/or cell phone. You'll get alerts if he looks at anything inappropriate and will be able to see what he does on both his phone and computer. It's $6/month but the piece of mind is worth every penny.

This addiction is about your husband, not about you. I get it, I've always been incredibly opposed to porn and made that clear to my husband time and time again. I didn't know he was silently struggling and keeping it from me for our 5 1/2 year marriage out of fear of how I would react. I wish I didn't make him feel like he had to hide it so we could have dealt with it sooner. We're in the midst of it now but it gets easier. He's taking the proper steps to get help (group therapy, joined Celebrate Recovery and is going through the 12 steps now) and I think eventually we'll be able to come out the other side.

When I first found out I was devastated. It felt like he had cheated on me and that I wasn't enough. But through counseling and honest discussions with him I've learned it's not something I brought on, this is all him. He has to work through what led to this and how to beat the addiction. He's gone about 4 months now without any slip ups so things are looking up.

Good luck.

>Me: So God makes good things happen to good people? But why do good things happen to bad people and vice versa? And if you're good, God will make good things happen?

You don't do this. Question 1 was good. Question 2 forced him to defend his position. Use questions to make him describe things, not to argue a point.

If nothing else, there's always books. Huston Smith writes wonderfully about religions of all types, and gets at what drives the practitioners. Also this book or this book are a bit more focused on the topic at hand.

Umberto Eco's Six Walks in the Fictional Woods is a very accessible introduction to thinking about literature in a way that blends narratology and semiotics. It generally sticks pretty closely to talking about the stories he has in mind, so I wished while reading it that I'd had a copy of Gérard de Nerval's Sylvie on hand, among others.

David Lodge's The Art of Fiction used to be popular as a supplementary textbook in creative writing classes because it just uses nice examples to provide a basic language for talking about literature.

John Sutherland has a number of books intended for a general audience that either introduce basic concepts of literary criticism or that just make careful reading fun, e.g. How Literature Works, A Little History of Literature, and The Literary Detective: 100 Puzzles in Classic Fiction (an omnibus edition of the books he's probably most well known for).

Gaston Bachelard comes to mind as someone who, like Gass, is just a delight to read: The Poetics of Space, Air and Dreams, etc. I'd put some other writers writing about their personal relationships to reading in a similar category: Nicholson Baker, U and I; Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary; and even Alison Bechdel, Fun Home.

Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you really need to take care of your mental health, especially with all those break ups affecting you so negatively. I'd also recommend checking out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Abandonment-Recovery-Workbook-Guidance-Heartbreak-ebook/dp/B01ISAKSJ6/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=&dpID=51aN%252BQjdacL&preST=_SX342_QL70_&dpSrc=detail

It sounds like you need to build up more of a friendship network and perhaps attend some meet up groups - not for the purpose of finding a partner, but just doing activities you enjoy and developing some connections in your community.

Another option that may be worth considering is finding a platonic cuddle buddy - that helped me through a rough time, though it's harder to find women than men to cuddle in my experience. I'd recommend checking out CuddleComfort.com if that's of interest to you.

Going off the idea you like Poe, Shakespeare, Dickinson, and Plath my recommendations (and reasons):

Olives by AE Stallings (the best new book of American poetry since Plath)
Harlot by Jill Alexander Essbaum (a fantastic and sexy collection of work)
The Restored Ariel by Sylvia Plath (the best book of American poetry after Eliot)
The Standing Wave by Gabriel Spera (lovely stuff)
60 Sonnets by Ernest Hilbert (some funny, some sad, all sonnets)
Broetry by Brian McGackin (light but funny)
I Was There For Your Somniloquy by Kelli Anne Noftle (a good intro into avante garde)
Azores by David Yezzi (a travelogue of sorts)
Omeros by Derek Walcott (best new epic in a long time)
With Rough Gods by yours truly (monologuing Greek gods)
Love, an Index by Rebecca Lindenberg (a beautiful work of loss and love)
The Waste Land and other writings by T.S. Eliot (the undisputed master of modern poetry)

Pouring some love your way. Really sorry to hear about what happened. It might take you a while to get back on your feet but you will. Just hang in their. Just remember that it's always always always possible to recover no matter what life throws at you. You are stronger than you think and you will find a way to get past this and find peace, but it may take time.

​

It's times like these that we need to put our pride aside and ask for help.

​

I went through a really tough breakup a year ago and this book really helped me. It was recommended by my therapist.

​

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626258244/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

>I honestly believe meditation is only ONE tool that helps us face our shadow.

Agreed, shadow work in conjunction with meditation can bring true benefit.

Meeting the shadow is a great book on this topic. Here are some quotes:

"The shadow cannot be eliminated. It is the ever-present dark brother or sister. Whenever we fail to see where it stands, there is likely to be trouble afoot. For then it is certain to be standing behind us. The adequate question therefore never is: Have I a shadow problem? Have I a negative side? But rather: Where does it happen to be right now? When we cannot see it, it is time to beware! And it is helpful to remember Jung's formulation that a complex is not pathological per se. It becomes pathological only when we assume that we do not have it; because then it has us."

"This brings us to the fundamental fact that the shadow is the door to our individuality. In so far as the shadow renders us our first view of the unconscious part of our personality, it represents the first stage toward meeting the Self. There is, in fact, no access to the unconscious and to our own reality but through the shadow. Only when we realize that part of ourselves which we have not hitherto seen or preferred not to see can we proceed to question and find the sources from which it feeds and the basis on which it rests. Hence no progress or growth is possible until the shadow is adequately confronted — and confronting means more than merely knowing about it. It is not until we have truly been shocked into seeing ourselves as we really are, instead of as we wish or hopefully assume we are, that we can take the first step toward individual reality."

There's also a meditation practice in the Tibetan tradition called Chöd that is very similar to shadow work. Tsultrim Allione describes this practice as "feeding your own demons"

Hey, my poetry collection "Perchance to Dream" is available for free right now on the Kindle store.

Acclaimed as "Neat," by his mother and "Okay, I guess," by his girlfriend, Perchance to Dream is Travis Liebert's second poetry collection. Perchance to Dream is an exploration of the finer aspects of life including love, mental illness, religion, and humor. This is his second poetry collection after This is Death, Love, Life and is widely varied in both subject matter and style. Perchance to Dream will appeal to fans of a wide range of poets such as T.S. Eliot, H.P. Lovecraft, and Niel Hilborn.

You can get it now at this link

It takes time and care to heal.

I’m down 60lbs from my highest weight. On paper and to other people it looks amazing. To me.... meh. I see my flaws so much more clearly now.

Right now I’m working through reading Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield. That’s been helping me reframe how I talk to/treat myself.

For emotional eating, I recommend reading some of Geneen Roth's books. I found Breaking Free From Emotional Eating especially helpful. I also really liked Women, Food and God and Feeding the Hungry Heart. Basically, she recommends finding the emotional source of your emotional eating to combat any sort of binging - and also to re-train your body to understand the difference between feeling hunger and feeling whatever feelings you struggle with that lead to binging (inadequacy, stress, worthlessness, etc). These books have been a lifesaver for me - cannot recommend enough!

Breaking Free of Emotional Eating It's about self-care through acceptance, its definitely helped my mood.

https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Emotional-Eating-Geneen/dp/0452284910

What seemed to help the best is treatment of depression (therapy & meds).

Here are all the local Amazon links I could find.


amazon.co.uk

amazon.ca

amazon.com.au

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I'm not sure if you could buy this in a book store but it's called "How to heal a broken heart" by Guy Winch. It's available on amazon (as hardcover or kindle version): https://www.amazon.com/How-Fix-Broken-Heart-Books/dp/1501120123

It's short but I think it's worth it. The writer has a couple of TED talks, here is one. It's about going through a breakup: https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart

I hope I was able to help and good luck on your search!

> There are some negative personality traits which I daily fall prey to that I want to eliminate

This is where I figured you were heading. You are certainly not alone, everyone probably has some trait that they could do without. It's a wonderful thing that you are so conscious of them and determined to change them - that's half the battle. To quote one of many rabbis: "For a person is alive only in order to break a [negative] character trait that he has not broken until now. Therefore one should always strengthen one’s self; for if he does not strengthen himself, why is he alive?” You're not likely to reach a point of "perfection" - but struggling in that direction is to really live.

There is a topic in Judaism called "mussar" - essentially self-improvement and character traits. There is an author Alan Morinis who has written a few books about mussar in a way that's accessible for non-Jews.

One thing that I keep in mind for myself is that one day I'll have children and I don't want to pass on my negative traits to them. God willing one day you'll have your own family, and you have the opportunity to build yourself up into the best possible husband and father. Figure out who you want to be, stay focused on it, and you can achieve it.

The reviews show up on a particular page. They are all five star. Personally I take that with a grain of salt. A grain the size of a truck.

Totally agree, just wish newspapers were more reliable with specific facts like 'lands a book deal'. DM at least lets you comment. My local one doesn't...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Lord knows, most of us have been in your shoes. I found help in reading books. Seemed like a stupid suggestion from a friend, but there are alot of self-help books out there. One in particular really seemed to resonate with me, and i recovered faster because of it. I'll hotlink it below but it or another one like it might be worth a read. You can get cheap used editions usually too.

Amazon

Everyday Holiness by Alan Morinis

I feel like I'm always mentioning this book on Reddit and in person. I cannot emphasize enough how powerful this book is, the mussar teachings are something that both religious and non-religious can appreciate.

I'll copy/paste my recommendations from another thread:

Start with with the autobiography Memories, Dreams, and Reflections. And then follow the references to other works of Jung and other Jungians from there.

After you read through his autobiography, I think it's actually better for a beginner to go directly to the works of other Jungians.

Read anything and everything by Edinger. In particular, Ego and Archetype, The Creation of Consciousness, and The New God-Image.

Neumann's Origin and History of Consciousness.

Robert Johnson's He, She and We series to get a better grasp on the masculine and feminine archetypes and the interplay between them.

This book (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/087477618X/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0) which is a compilation of essays across various authors (including Jungian analysts) elaborating on the concept of the Shadow and how it plays a role in one's life. Cannot recommend this one enough.

And finally, Robert Moore's King Warrior Magician Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. He even as an individual book on each of the individual archetypes, but those are extremely hard to find, and very expensive. You can probably find the audio lectures online though.

I have been practicing Mussar for 6ish years and it has changed my life.

"The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions: Finding Balance Through the Soul Traits of Mussar" is the most recent and accessible Mussar book. "Everyday Holiness" came out about ten years ago, and helped spark the current Mussar revival. "Changing the World from the Inside Out" brings together Mussar with social activism.

In terms of resources, American Mussar, The Mussar Institute, and the Center for Contemporary Mussar are good websites to look at.

Oh and there's a book I've read:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Surviving-Recovering/dp/0425273539

I can see how the lessons could be useful if only I could get myself to care enough to try them out.

Sometimes it isn't a weight thing. Sometimes someone just has a poor relationship with food. And weight follows. I have some books and apps for you. I have recently become a follower of Dr. Judson Brewer. His book A Craving Mind is amazing for learning about and breaking habit forming. But regarding food specifically try the app "Eat Right Now" or the book Breaking Free from Emotional Eating https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452284910?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Nature-Consciousness/dp/087477618X

This is a pretty good read on learning about the shadow. Fair warning. You might not like what you find.

Intuitive Eating

Health at Every Size

Body Respect

Body Kindness

It's called Rebuilding. Also the 10-week workshop I did with a group was based on this book. There are other books out there, but I recommend this one.

He's also written a book: Amazon link. It's very short—I'm about half way through it after one sitting—and very good so far, albeit fairly duplicative of the TED Talk.

Edit: Fixed link

https://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Power-Nature/dp/087477618X?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffab-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=087477618X

This is a collection of essays about the shadow by different Jungian thinkers and practitioners. I was recommended it and have recommended it to others.

Right there with you. I am commenting to second the book recommendation. It’s one of the most important books I ever read.

Here’s the link:

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425273539/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_IwrADbAHZQY95

Fisher's book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends will help you recover your composure.

It isn't healthy to hold onto a relationship when it is over, and I hope you can have some forgiveness for the way your former partner reacted: we all grieve in our own way. I'm in the process of getting a divorce, and I found this book to be extremely helpful. If you like it, there is a workbook that accompanies it, and even a seminar you can take to help you move along after your relationship is over (it's for divorced people, but the same principles apply). Hang in there. Keep your smiles for you now and be nice to yourself. There have to be things you hated about him...and now they are his problem, and not yours.

Read this book, it will change your life. I promise. I think every woman should read it.

I don't have online source, it's hard to find because, i think, of the new age movement and other bullshit.

Those two are good, i would recommend the first one

https://www.amazon.fr/Inner-Work-Dreams-Imagination-Personal/dp/0062504312/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551133202&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+work+robert+A+johnson

​

https://www.amazon.fr/Meeting-Shadow-Connie-Zweig/dp/087477618X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1551133078&sr=8-1&keywords=meeting+the+shadow

I've had this book recommended to me.

I found this book to be immensely helpful in my mental problems with my body. http://smile.amazon.com/When-Women-Hating-Their-Bodies/dp/044991058X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411336618&sr=8-1&keywords=when+women+stop+hating+their+bodies

I can relate. Took me so long though to get out of that funk. And there is this book which helped me a lot: https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Surviving-Recovering/dp/0425273539/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485086376&sr=8-1&keywords=susan+anderson+journey

• Podcast: Esther Perel : https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798
  
• Book: Rebuilding https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626258244/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_5.bXDb02G7AMZ

Nightmares are message from our unconscious that we really have to pay attention. Here you have very meaningful symbols like the house usually represent your own personality and how you feel with yourself and the basement is the unconscious, in your basement there is this ghost you are afraid. This ghost is your shadow, you have to confront it in real life and you are afraid of it. To do this you have to think of all the things you reject in other people. For example, you hate hippies who smoke weed...But what area in your life you are a hippie and more chill? Try to connect with the things you hate..

More info here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/201204/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-what-is-the-shadow

I really recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.es/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Nature-Consciousness/dp/087477618X

If by "it" you mean the Truth, then you are correct! :D At least in my opinion.. As I understand it, you can tap into the Truth and find what works. If it doesn't work, it's not the Truth. I ponder whether there is true objective Truth, or if it is different for everyone.. Or perhaps Truth takes on many forms with no version more true than another. Perspective and relativity.

It is also worth noting that at some point, what once worked may no longer work at a later time. You use a boat to cross the ocean, but once you get on land you need a new vehicle. You leave the boat and maybe use a car or bicycle. Neither is "bad" or unnecessary. Both serve a purpose for their leg of the journey. The further you make it along your path, the lighter your vehicle becomes. The less attached you are to what vehicle you use, and the more present you become in the journey. I think this is a good metaphor for the personality, and I've had a lot of the same struggles you're talking about (still do! ;P).

When I started learning about spirituality, I thought I was supposed to completely drop the whole "act" that I saw I was doing. Little things to get attention, fake interactions at stores, etc. I was faking happiness because I was taught it was polite. I then realized it could be considered a very unauthentic way to interact. However, I still HAVE a personality. I'm still me.. I still grew up with initial conditions that affect my psyche. Preferences, aversions, the whole gimick. When I tried to tackle the entire personality, I became overwhelmed with so much to fix. After realizing I did not wish to be overwhelmed anymore, I had to learn to be content with the me that has manifested in this moment. The me with all its preferences and aversions. This does not mean that I have to neglect desires for growth, because that's just another preference that I can acknowledge and take action.

I would suggest looking into Shadow Work. This has to do with the shadow that we've come to know, but is really just negative or unreal energy that we've accepted as our own. It's added baggage, really.. If we want to live lighter lives, we have to not only acknowledge love, joy, humor, connection, personality, etc., but learn to balance them and not attach to them. An actor does not attach to the role, but fully embodies the role nonetheless (with the exception, perhaps, of rare cases where the actor drives themselves mad).

Shadow Work Books:

https://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Power-Nature/dp/087477618X

https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Side-Light-Chasers-Reclaiming/dp/1594485259

It does feel like that for a long while! And I know that, no matter what others say, the feeling will last untill it doesn’t.

At some point though, it will have to get better.. You can’t truly live on if you don’t work through it and boy is that a painfull process. As corny as it may sound, there is one book that really helped me through it. It made me cry, it made me cry some more, and then it made me realise (after which obviously more crying ensued).

How to fix a broken Heart - Guy Winch

For anyone interested;
https://www.amazon.com/How-Fix-Broken-Heart-Books/dp/1501120123