part 2/2

Relationships:

• You deserve to be in stable, happy, fulfilling relationships with your family, friends, partners, and coworkers. A large part of this is tied into self-esteem & what you think you deserve & what you're willing to accept, so a big part of it is figuring out where your line in the sand is. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, but there's a big difference between tolerating situations, getting by, and being content, versus actually being truly happy & having great, fulfilling relationships.
  
• It's important to realize that relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100%/100%. They are a tremendous amount of work, whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a familial relationship with a sibling or parent or a relationship with friends, and the road is often rocky, which is why you have to give a lot & deal with a lot during the course of all relationships. A lot of relationships die not because they're not good, but simply because of a lack of effort on both ends.
  
• A really good book is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are only a handful of ways people typically feel loved, and identifying your primary method of input can help you figure out what you want from a relationship, and also figure out how to make your partner feel loved. The five "languages" are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you remember the girl in high school who always needed flowers or chocolates or teddy bears to feel like she was in a loving relationship? That's not shallow, that's just her love language.
  
• If you don't know what does it for you & then if you're not getting what you like in your relationship, then you're not going to feel very fulfilled on a regular basis, and likewise, neither is your partner. So it's not just about drawing a line in the sand about what is & isn't acceptable in a relationship, but also about what you want to have in your life & what you need to give to others to help them feel loved.
  
• I really like the love-language concept because instead of just "I need to try harder in my relationships", it gives you a clear path forward, i.e. figure out what you want & figure out what those in your lives want & how best to give it to them on a regular basis. Like, my wife really likes the "time spent" one, so anytime I do something like plan a date, she loves it because that's simply how she feels loved, so my effort on that is a way to express my love for her in a way that actually makes her feel loved, rather than what I think will make her feel loved in my mind, but doesn't actually do it in reality, haha!
  
  Finances:
  
  
• The first thing to do is to pick a number, i.e. figure out how much you want to make every year, based on the cost-of-living in your area & the lifestyle you want to lead. You can literally pick this out thanks to sites like Indeed & Glassdoor, which provide realistic pricing tiers for intro, well-versed, and guru-level experience in different job categories. So the payscales aren't really a question mark anymore...you can literally figure out how much you want to make, research jobs that pay what you want & also match your interests, get training for them, and get to work!
  
• The second thing to do is to work out a personal financial system that manages your money for you. You will only accomplish what you set out to achieve & then work on persistently. You already have a solid principle saved up, but managing finances on a day to day basis successful always benefits from having a well-defined set of personal rules for handling things, which includes figuring out how much you want to make at your job & then getting educated in that field & pursuing jobs persistently until you get what you want, as well as having a solid financial system in place for how you deal with each aspect of your financial life - fixed expenses, variable expenses, debt management, retirement savings, living below your means, and so on.
  
• The first book I'd recommend is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker, which is a little cheesy, but contains the critical component of changing your mindset about how you think, interface, and deal with money, which is the first place that people get goofed up - having a system comes later; learning how to mentally approach finances is a really huge first step that a lot of financial books miss, because they don't address the psychology behind why we do what we do & how we think.
  
• The second book I'd recommend is "The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy Paperback" by Thomas J. Stanley & William D. Danko. This is a data-driven book, so it's not the most exciting read, but it illustrates a lot of actual, factual information & statistics about wealth management. I'd also recommend reading up on FIRE. Again, you only accomplish the things that you work on, so the more good stuff you can invite into your life through research, selection, and effort, the better your long-term results can be!
  
  Habits:
  
  
• "Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a really fantastic book about how habits operate. I'd highly recommend picking up the audiobook & listening to his story about how he got injured & used tiny habit changes to make huge impacts on his life. Lots of really fantastic concepts in this book!
  
• Just to throw an idea out, consider adopting a "personal productivity system" or "PPS", which is simply a set of methods for how to force yourself to do stuff you want to & have to do. Everyone has a PPS, and sometimes they're not so useful because you're stuck with no clear path forward in your life. Having a strong PPS enables you to solve problems & work on things effectively & efficiently. One of the tools I use in my own PPS is the "3P Approach" mentioned earlier, where I break things down into the premise, parts, and procedures required to accomplish what I have to or want to do, rather than just walking around confused with no idea how to really proceed & no idea what I really want, exactly.
  
  Anyway, don't get overwhelmed by all of this - this isn't all stuff you have to do overnight, instantly, in one big shot. It's like high school - you went there for years, chipped away on things, and eventually grew up & moved on. Improving your life isn't just reading a motivational poster or feeling happy for a day, it's a lifestyle change, and it's going to take some time.
  
  Just don't be afraid of the big amount of work that it looks like on the surface, because remember, we can only ever really do one thing at a time, so all of the stuff listed above was, for me, the result of decades worth of working on self-improvement to get better results & be happier in my life, because those were really big struggles for me for a long time! The good news is that it gets better, and your results are directly correlated to your decisions & your efforts, so simply by deciding that you want better & then chipping away on it, you'll start to do better & feel better over time!

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace

ROPE BONDAGE ADVICE

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

You are welcome...thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

To put a little context to my perspective, my wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 15. We had a rough patch that started about 6 years ago (in hindsight; at the time we didn't really see it) and progressively got worse until things came to a head about 18 months ago. We both committed some sins during that time (no cheating), but mostly our problem was a total breakdown in communication beyond the mundane day-to-day. We started counseling just over a year ago and basically started learning communication skills from scratch. It was totally remedial at first, but totally necessary, and it's improved everything in our relationship. We went from near divorce a year ago to happier, more stable, and more secure than we've ever been today. If you're really curious, I wrote a novella about it in response to this post, but that's the gist of it.

> I've watched a lot of sitcoms in my day, so I feel like I have a good grip on 90s Couple Dispute tactics such as using neutral terms like "I feel" and not putting the pressure on her.

That was one of the big ones I had to work on. I used to say things like, "You did XXX, that was wrong (or unfair or whatever)." Basically, I put a value judgement on it, and by extension I was judging her. In response, my wife would put up her defenses.

> I don't know how to stop her from beating herself up, and whether she's right or not it broke my heart when she said that she thinks the problem is all on her side

I don't know, either. My wife does that to some extent. Some of it was due to the way I was communicating (we joke now that I used to communicate at her) and some of it is just how she's wired, I guess. Talking through our issues over the past year and realizing that there are no problems that are 100% on one of us has helped a lot. Still, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would take it away.

> ...she pretty much shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's her way of dealing...

Try to recognize that for what it is: her defense mechanism. She feels threatened and afraid and doesn't know what to do, so she shuts down. She's not dealing with it, though, she's doing the opposite. It sucks, and it's not exactly fair to you, but it is what it is. My wife is very similar, only instead of "I don't want to talk about it" she would shut down and then tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to make the discussion go away. I'd leave it thinking we'd reached some sort of consensus, while she wouldn't be able to say what it was an hour later. That obviously didn't work out well for us ;)

The way I approach it now is to avoid setting off my wife's defenses in the first place. In the movie "Snatch", there's the scene where the two guys try to rob the bookie. The cashier is totally calm, then she pushes a button and suddenly the bulletproof barrier drops and they're walled off. That's exactly how my wife is. If her defenses get triggered, that's it, we're done. We take a break and come back to it in a few minutes if we can. Otherwise, it waits until later and I try to voice my concern from a different angle. That doesn't happen too much anymore now that I've gotten a lot better at replacing "you did" with "I feel".

> "I wish we could communicate like x" or "i want you to be able to y" or things like that. It could be harmless but I am concerned about how much I pressure her with how I want her to act.

It could be harmless, or she could be hearing, "You're worthless" when you say something like that. Never underestimate the ability of someone to hear what they think they're supposed to rather than what you're actually saying.

My wife and I have always had a decent sex life, but we've never really been able to communicate openly. I used to say something like, "I wish we could talk openly about sex." I never put it on her, but I never got anywhere either. Maybe the word "wish" turned her off because she saw herself as the bigger roadblock and she instead heard, "I wish you were different." I don't know.

Last week, though, I asked her to have a conversation. I identified the issue (We are not able to talk about sex openly), and expressed my desire to work together on it. I suggested that since our new communication framework worked so well to work through our conflicts, then maybe it would work to communicate about other uncomfortable topics and asked her to try it with me. She enthusiastically agreed to try. I made it all about us and framed it as something we would work on together and the result was progress instead of the defensiveness that always happened in the past. Maybe a similar approach could work for some of the things you would like to change?

> Unless an argument is actively happening I don't really know how to bring this stuff up.

Schedule it. Ask her to join you in a conversation at a defined point, and bring it up then. If you bring it up in an argument, you risk emotions clouding your judgement. Looking back, I don't think my wife and I have ever had a meaningful conversation born out of an argument. If you bring it up without warning, you risk blind-siding her and making her extra defensive. If you schedule it, though, you give her a chance to get over her initial nervousness and you give yourself an opportunity to gather your thoughts. She'll probably be apprehensive at the start (especially if it's a topic you've discussed before), but you still have the advantage of being able to anticipate it and trying to put her at ease from the start.

> I think I'm the jealous type and I definitely have some narcissism in me (I spend a lot of time on raisedbynarcissists), but I shouldn't be jealous of her goddamned cell phone.

I don't think that's narcissism. I think you just crave quality time, so you behave in that way towards her and feel neglected when she does not behave that way towards you.

I can't recommend the book The Five Love Languages strongly enough. The first thing my wife and I did when we were trying to turn things around was read it. I don't know that it saved our marriage, but it certainly helped us to find enough good in it that it was worth the hard work needed to save it. Every last word in that book is common fucking sense, but for some reason we needed it pointed out to us. Everyone I know who's read it feels the same way. It's a book that I honestly think everyone needs to read.

The gist is that there are five "love languages" we all use to express and feel love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality Time. We're all wired to "speak" one or two of them as our main language. It's how we show love, and how we perceive love that is directed towards us. Couples rarely match up perfectly, though. One partner may show love (e.g. by sitting close and paying attention while the other plays a game) that the other misses entirely if she doesn't speak that language. At the same time, she doesn't show love that way, so he feels slighted and unappreciated.

I know I felt unloved before I read that book. So did my wife. Afterwards, though, I realized that she was showing me love in her ways all the time, I was just missing it. And I realized that she was missing the ways I was showing her love. Just having that understanding was huge, and it was fairly easy then to adjust our behaviors a little and speak the love language that the other understood. Where before I felt nagged about taking out the trash, now I do it automatically because I know it'll put a smile on my wife's face.

Seriously, read the book. It's a fast, simple read that you can knock out in an evening, and I'm certain you'll take at least something useful from it.

Anyway, I've probably rambled enough for now...I'm happy to keep the conversation going if you'd like to, though I probably won't respond again tonight. In any case, good luck to you!

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501357551&sr=1-1&keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501358158&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

>I don't want to make this a huge story. I am someone that once had the word "atheist" tattooed to me (later got it covered up). But for some reason, God had mercy for me. I don't know why. He, I believe, and I cannot say with certainty that it was most definitely God, but something very majestic appeared to me, like nothing you've never seen before. And slowly, I was led to Jesus and taking faith in Jesus as my savior.

​

Amen!

​

>You guys probably don't believe me.

​

Why wouldn't I believe you? Many of us here have seen God do amazing things in our lives.

​

>So now I am reading the bible, and I find out that sex outside of marriage is truly a sin in the eyes of god. I've asked god to bring me a good wife. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's even possible to find the kind of woman I truly want.

​

It IS possible. Our FOR SINGLES section of the Sidebar has many articles that can help you vet well for a quality Christian woman.

​

>My mother is basically as good a woman as you can get. She is a devout christian. Lost her virginity to my dad. Very loyal, empathetic, and submissive.

​

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will answer a lot of things for you.

​

>When I hear stuff like that, it just makes not want to ever bother with women again.

​

Well, the New Testament makes it clear that the Single life is preferable for those who can live it. Doesn't sound like that's what you really want though.

​

>Because I can't stand the thought of some women taking my wealth into account. I am wealthy, and the thought of a woman taking that into account when dealing with me just brings enormous anger within me.

>The point is I want to be loved for my essence, not my money. The point is we make a choice to love each other and we have faith god will help take care for us as we need. Don't have faith in money, have faith in God.

​

Then show yourself to be a guy who has his act together and is stable financially, but keep the extent of your wealth private until your wedding night.

​

>I'm just venting, I guess. There's no where else to really talk about religious stuff. If I talk about religion with my friends, they think it's funny I am now a Christian. They rather listen to Elon Musk about us living in a computer simulation. That's their god.

​

That's why we're here. This is a perfectly appropriate place to discuss these things.

​​

>I'm just wondering if anyone has found a woman that doesn't care about money? I've hung out with a lot of girls, and somewhere along the line, they slip up and you see how much they care about money, even when they initially claim they don't care about money at all. I just can't take it.

​

My wife is very frugal. I'm the spender, she's the saver. If it wasn't for her we'd never have any money, but if it wasn't for me we'd never have any fun. It's a balance, but I see what you mean. You don't want a girl to marry you just so she can take advantage of your wealth.

​

The best way to ensure this is to make sure she has a good, solid, genuine faith.

This is very important and serious stuff.

The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.

If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.

But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.

My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.

No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.

The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.

Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:

• get to a couples therapist. I hear that she doesn't want to, but if she wants to work on the relationship, that's how you do it. Remember that this is a joint decision; just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean it's off the table if YOU want it. Saying she wants to fix the relationship but doesn't want to go to a therapist is like saying you want to fix the car but don't want to involve a repairman.
  
• While you hunt for a therapist (and it takes some looking to find someone you both like/trust), look for books and resources that can give you ideas for where to direct your efforts. You should BOTH be doing this. Some good resources: marriagebuilders.com, the 5 love languages, marriedmansexlife.com, No More Mister Nice Guy. These resources helped me and my wife recover our relationship, and there are others. Read them together.
  
• Set a weekly meeting time to talk about how you've been feeling about each other over the last week. put it on the calendar, and go out of the house for the meeting. This is when you can talk about what seemed to work, and what didn't. What moments where she felt good, and when she didn't.
  
• recognize that this is your problem too: you guys have built a relationship where only one side is feeling the love, and TOGETHER you have to fix it so that both sides feel it. She is feeling the symptoms, she can help you figure out where some of the problems lie, but you both will have to work to fix it.
  
• Work on yourself. Take up a hobby that you've always wanted to do, and return to an old hobby that you haven't gotten to do in a long time. Take the time to do things for you, because you deserve it. These activities seem trivial, but they go a long way towards anchoring you in this difficult time.
  
• Last, but I have to say it: sometimes people say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" because they've found someone else who gives them a hormonal rush the way you don't anymore. If your gut is telling you to be jealous of a male friend of hers, trust it and do what it takes to satisfy YOURSELF that there's nothing going on there.
  
  Good luck, friend.

The majority of my relationships have been non-monogamous. I'd consider myself someone who is not terribly traditional about relationship structure. Some of my partners have been "like you" - people who were not interested in dating multiple people themselves, but were willing to be flexible or compromise to varying degrees.

I see two separate issues here.

1. In the long term, he'd like to continue having multiple partners and you'd like to continue having one partner.
   
   
2. You would like to be treated as a serious partner -- you'd like your partner to consult you before making certain kinds of decisions, and you'd like to feel like your emotions, preferences, etc. are valued and considered.
   
   ....
   
   To me, your pain is as much about communication (or lack thereof) vs. the structure of your relationship. I am generally comfortable and happy in open relationships. However, if I was in an open relationship for 6 years with a partner that I lived with, and we'd spent every holiday together, I would expect them to communicate with me before booking a holiday with another partner. If they did somehow book one first, mention it to me, and then discover that I felt hurt... I would expect them to discuss the situation in detail.
   
   Perhaps there was no way in which you'd ever feel comfortable with the situation even if he had tried to talk to you about it beforehand. However, if I wanted a partner to feel comfortable, I would start by having an honest conversation and listening to their concerns. Lots of concerns about open relationships are totally valid - like sexual safety, feeling reassured that you are loved and that you are a priority vs. wondering whether you might be disposable or they are looking to "trade up", etc.
   
   I'd really encourage both you and your SO to read one of the books that talk about communication in open relationships (like "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino - http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1408424734&sr=8-2&keywords=opening+up)
   Regardless of whether your relationship is viable, he isn't likely to have long term success in an open relationship (or any relationship) if he thinks that "open relationship" = "I do what I want, when I want, and if one of my partners feels anxious, I dismiss their concerns as a violation of my individual freedom".
   
   For me, it feels comfortable to know the people that my partner(s) is dating (or whatever term you want to use ;) and to have direct communication with them. It's not just that I want them to know I exist... I also want them to feel like they can ask me questions, be honest with me, etc. They've often been my friends, either previously or afterward. If you know them, it's easier to understand whether they just have a casual / sexual interest, "romantic" interest, their attitudes about safe sex, whether they're going to treat your partner well, etc.
   
   Also, not all "secondary" partners would WANT to go on holiday with someone if they knew that their longterm partner was feeling hurt about the trip or had learned about it in an after-the-fact way. Being attracted to somebody's SO doesn't necessarily mean that you don't care about how they treat their other partner or your impact on their relationship. Even in a very casual dating situation, I care about other people's partners 'cause they're fellow human beings and we already have at least one interest in common ;)
   
   I see a lot of red flags in your description of the situation, but if you do decide to try to make it work, I'd encourage you both to read more about communication in open relationships and to try seeing a couples therapist. There are couples therapists who work with people in not-completely-traditional relationship situations and who are not inherently morally opposed to the concept.
   
   But also, there are lots of people who would happily have an open OR monogamous relationship with you that would include lots of honest communication, treating you like you are important, trying to understand your feelings or address your fears vs. pressuring you to immediately accept a decision that was made without your input.
   
   Also, even people who are 300% excited about open relationships sometimes feel jealous, scared, hurt, etc... and you should be able to talk about those feelings honestly. It isn't supposed to be a situation where you are always expected to feel nothing or act like you feel nothing or keep your emotions to yourself.
   
   I can't say whether it's a mistake for you to compromise and be in an open relationship (either this relationship, or in general)... but I can say that it would be a mistake for you to shrug off your feelings about this and suffer through it alone.

Thank you so much for your note, and insights.

I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.

If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.

My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.

In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.

In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.

You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.

As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.

You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.

I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."

It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.

I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.

I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.

Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.

However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?

Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.

In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.

This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.

In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:

"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/

"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.

Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.

Hey nowweareopen,

First of all, I'd just like to say that some of the posts here have been unnecessarily negative. This subreddit is supposed to be accepting and I feel like people have written you off too quickly because of your age. I'm 21 (M) and in an open relationship with a wonderful 23 year old (F). We've been open for the past two years, and it's been immensely satisfying for ourselves and our lovers.

Yes, being in an open relationship is hard but so is being in any relationship. oo_nrb has a ton of great advice, so I'm going to try not to duplicate too much of that.

In general, it seems like you're going into this from a stable position and an open mind. I'd highly recommend that you both read Tristan Taramino's wonderful book Opening Up before you jump in head first. The book will teach you that everyone define's their open relationship differently, and that the most important part of non-monogamy is defining your rules and sticking to them. Open relationships demand a higher level of trust and a greater commitment to communication, because there is a lot more at stake.

> What are some common pitfalls people tend to fall into/how can we avoid them?

• Not defining the rules early (Do you want to hear about everything? Before? After).
  
• One partner finding tons of lovers and the other not (Help each other out and talk about how you're doing frequently)
  
• Not slowing down or stopping quickly enough if the other partner is starting to feel neglected.
  
• One partner getting into the open relationship because it feels like their only option. (Make sure you both want this and you're not just settling for it).
  
• Safety (Condoms, STD tests, and safer sex practices are a must)
  
• Confusing infatuation over a new partner for love. (Realize that new relationship energy will always feel amazing, but it's not the same as what you guys have. Always respect the primacy of your relationship).
  
• Breaking the rules. Just because it's open, doesn't mean you can't cheat. Cheating is bad.
  
  > How do we find people who are interested purely in sex and are comfortable having sex with someone in an open relationship? I'm wary of Craigslist and online sites.
  
  The same ways your find them normally: bars, parties, friends, and sites like OKCupid. The thing to realize is that very few people are interested in "just sex". There's nothing wrong with being friendly or affectionate with the other people you're banging, as long as you respect the primacy of your boyfriend. You guys might want to start out with rules about how much emotion, connection is allowed if it makes your uncomfortable, but realize that you are restricting the number of partners that would be interested in you.
  
  > How do we broach the subject of sex in person to people he and I find?
  
  Flirt. Be touchy and make sure to be honest with your other partners that you have significant others, but that you're open. Explain your rules, your boundaries, and if you're comfortable with it, let them talk to your partner for confirmation.
  
  Good luck. If you have any other questions, let me know.

I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!

So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.

If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.

I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.

I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!

My son is 5 months. The best reading will depend on who you are, your life experiences, and what you are looking for. This is merely a list of books I've read between shortly before his birth and now and have given me a lot to think about as a man, a father, and a husband.

• The 5 languages of Love
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
  
• The Myth of Male Power
  
• Siddartha
  
• Living Nonviolent Communication
  
• Nonviolent Communication
  
• Punished By Rewards
  
• Unconditional Parenting (in progress)
  
  Also regularly reviewing information from CDC on Developmental Milestones. Great advice on what to watch out for and when, including what to childproof how and when.
  
  I wasn't going to write a summary, but now that I look at the list, It deserves some context. So, one sentence quick blurb per book in order, my take away thought from the book.
  
  
• What makes you feel like you are expressing your love may be different than what makes your partner feel loved -- know the difference and let it be an ongoing conversation.
  
  
• Be honest with people about your feelings good and bad with everyone you care about -- they are equally a part of who you are and you are cheating yourself and others when you don't.
  
  
• Be mindful of how you invest your time and energy. Money / career is great, but it CANNOT substitute for being present in the life of your family.
  
  
• Your child is not a continuation of your legacy or life lessons. They will not be born having learned from your mistakes. Knowledge (what you have to share) is no substitute for wisdom (what can only be gained from personal experience).
  
  
• Our culture does not emphasize need / feelings based communication.
  
  
• Empathy is something to be studied and practiced if we are to have or communicate good emotional well-being.
  
  
• Training kids into approval-seeking behavior is highly overrated and has perverse consequences.
  
  
• Nearly every parent may love their kids unconditionally, but is that what kids are really learning through your behavior?
  
  Anyway, not trying to claim these are the best books for everyone, but I am very grateful for the insights I gained from reading them. Happy to share more if you have any questions about them. Hope you find a selection that inspires you and that you never stop seeking more great books to read. Best luck and congratulations on your journey. :)
  
  

I like the idea of this thread, and it's thoughtful for you to put the effort into trying to help someone in this state.

> I told him that there is no way what he’s saying is true and he needs to stop believing that about himself and I also shared how there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

As a general rule, I'm not a fan of just do XYZ advice. That's not a critique; it takes time, and not everybody can invest much into this. I think it was thoughtful for you to offer an compassionate ear. I sometimes like to ask questions about what people do for fun. I do this for two reasons: first, it encourages people to check in with themselves. What am I doing? What would I like to do? How am I socializing? What is keeping me from it? It also teaches people that they can check in with others, which is the foundation for building a connection with people.

And that leads to another point: sometimes people simply feel alone, and view sex as a kind of validation. That's where therapy comes into play: sex is fun. Sex is social. Sex is a thing that partners can share. But if sex is an ends to a means for proving something, then it's no longer a shared experience between partners. It makes those partners into gatekeepers, and that's a distorted view (and incidentally another good reason to see a therapist: to work through the underlying reasons that someone might be experiencing this distortion).

>...there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

It's easy to slip into the mindset that this needs to be a paradox: how can one love themselves if others don't? How will others know how to love you if you can't love yourself? I know that a while back I needed help, but I couldn't quantify it. All I could do was acknowledge that whatever I was doing at the time just wasn't working. Therapy helped me and two years later my window shifted all over: I date actively now, I go out and strike up conversations, and my old defeatist self would have never taken the exams I'm taking, and I'm about to take my eighth in three months... and in the wake of a very expensive failure. What keeps me going? Learning to forgive myself when I fuck up. How does one do that? I'd like to say that it comes from developing a healthy relationship between yourself, your goals, and how you mediate between them without trying to please the ghosts of your past, but I don't know if others have had the experiences that I've had. But back to the point: sex and dating are one piece of a whole.

It's ok to feel disappointed. The challenge is learning how to deal with those feelings in a way that acknowledges that you're not alone but also respects your feelings as your feelings.

Anyway, that's a lot of statement. Here are some thoughts to your actual question about resources.

Resources:
---

I tried to structure this list around ease-of-access - that is: easy to read/watch.

Planned Parenthood - Virginity

Planned Parenthood does a great job discussing the various means through which people can lose virginity. What I like about this resource is that it points out that virginity itself can be arbitrary.

SoNotable: I think there are a few types of virginity, including innocence (not knowing what sex is, lost when you regularly watch porn and develop an understanding of the concept of sex), partnered (Never having had sex with a partner, lost when you are intimate with a partner), and shared (the first time you sleep with somebody/ies and get through the initial "how do we communicate"-isms).

---

How to Lose your Virginity

A documentary of sorts that describes the concept and history of virginity. It's mainly told from the perspective of young women, but the concepts discussed applies to young men as well.

---

The Ethical Slut

Is it counter-intuitive to suggest a book to virgins that discusses polyamorous relationships? I don't think so. This book focuses on emotional honesty and makes talking about sex a lot easier. Virgins can (and should learn to be) sex-positive.

---

Web: GirlsAskGuys.com

This is a site that encourages people to ask and answer questions, and has a fairly balanced population. If someone has a question that they feel might be gender-specific, it makes it easier to know who is answer from which perspective.

---

The Guide to Getting It On

While I wouldn't recommend reading a 900+ page sex manual cover to cover, this book is great because it covers a ton about sex, including things that might cause anxiety or stage fright. I've loaned my copy out to friends who've confided in me, and it's helped them. It also does a good job of normalizing sex-talk.

---

I'm currently studying a lot and focusing on personal development, but I want to expand this reading list once I've finished my current side project. In the mean time I'm sure others can add a few items.

I hope this offers some ideas that you can take and use. Also, most of my suggestions relate to sex and sexuality from a man's perspective; adding some resources for woman would be greatly appreciated :)

General Resources around Masculinity

The Good Men Project

/r/MensLib is a subreddit that discusses masculinity and politics in a constructive, pro-feminist voice. I like this sub because it encourages discussion of masculinity as a non-zero-sum game.

Also: someone recently told me about a sportsball player (I think Basketball?) who started discussing masculinity and hosting retreats for men. I believe his name was Chae or Shae or something like that. I'd appreciate if someone could help me figure this out, as I'd started reading briefly before getting sidetracked.

I'm know I'm late to the party, but I'll share a brief story.

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with some really close friends (we were 2 guys and 3 girls). We rented a cabin in a warm town, went to the pool,went for drinks, nice trip overall.

During a game (some dices with tasks to do to other players, just not the spicy ones), one of my friends got tasked with complimenting me. After a minute of thinking she told me I'm a nice guy. I wasn't sure why but I felt offended at that and it stuck in my head for a while.

After some thought and research, I found the book No More Mr Nice Guy (100% recommend it if you feel you are nice to people and don't get recognition for that).

Basically, sometimes when I thought I was been "nice", I was been manipulative from other's perspective. I expected others to return the favor and be nice to me without me making that clear; in my head there was a sort of contract between us after I did something for them, but only in my head. It seems like it should be common sense that I want others to be nice to me; but common sense is the least common of senses.

It's possible to be too nice. Offering help to people makes them feel indebted, which some don't like, and if I'm not clear what I expect in return, it can also make them uncomfortable. I used to go out of my way to find ways to help others, particularly if it was a girl I like, and didn't understand why they didn't like me back. I now know that being nice and feeling attracted to someone are not mutually inclusive; and people can resent you if you don't communicate properly what is it you want from them. Getting mad at other for not understanding doesn't help either.

​

From the book I learned that being nice and trying to fix other people's live so they'd like me are very different things. You cannot make others happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with others. Tough in all honesty, it still takes some effort to put into practice. Pay more attention to becoming a happy person, you can attract more people into your life.

​

I'm not sure if my situation is close or not to yours, but the lesson is you can still be nice while also paying less attention to being nice to others and instead being nice to yourself first.

Okay I will share with you and I read in one of your past comments that you consider yourself to be someone with critical thinking skills who reads self help books and tries to better herself. I think if that's true, some of what I say may be of benefit to you.

First, it's no surprise that men and women are different. What we don't always think about is just how dfferent we can be when it comes to what motivates us most with intimate partners. Men and women both want to feel emotionally connected to each other. Men can feel connected like that constantly through sheer physical proximity such as being in the house together even if in seperate rooms. Women need to spend more time engaging through sharing of their anxieties and also their emotional highs to feel very connected.

You can probably think of a time that you and a girlfriend had a heart to heart that started with her telling you that she's very upset with you and feeling very insulted by something you said or did. Your immediate reaction would be to want to talk and resolve and you probably felt alarm and empathy for how she was feeling. You wanted to get somewhere that you could open up to each other. She signaled to you in the way she approached, that she was feeling disconnected with you and she is bringing it up with the intention of reconnecting. She expects that you will want to do the same thing.

Women are driven by a need to feel valued, to be close and connected and to feel secure that they won't be abandoned. They need to know that those they're close to won't cut off their love for them.

If you have tried to open a conversation with a man the same way your friend did with you, you may have noticed his back going up immediately. When you tell a man that he's caused anxiety in you, his first reaction is to feel shamed for making you feel that way. A fight or flight reaction kicks in and he will either try to avoid the conversation and the intensity of your perceived negative emotions towards him, or he will fight you and argue that they're invalid and illogical.

Men are most driven by wanting to avoid the feeling of shame and inadequacy. A man wants to feel capable. He wants to feel like his masculine self is admired by those around him and that the women in his life feel like he's their greatest protector.

What OP has done, reading between the lines, is set off her hubby's fight or flight response. She's exposed her anxiety on the subject of oral sex, and he's admitted he feels like he's not good at it.

This is the most telling part of her post:

> Reason 4: He says it takes too long or that he doesn't know what he's doing. Okay isn't that the way to know by doing it and learning? By him being so temperamental about it, it gives me performance anxiety where there's too much pressure to even enjoy it!

In his most honest moment with her around this he took a great leap of faith and admitted to her that he doesn't feel like he's good at pleasing her with his mouth. This is not easy for men to admit and her reaction clearly wasn't helpful. It amounts to "suck it up and get better". Then she also says he's "being temperamental about it" which is understandable because he's wrestling with feelings of shame during intimate moments with her which amplifies his fight or flight instincts.

Her attempts to talk about how her needs are not being met seem perfectly reasonable to female Rsexers and to feminized men. But she's trying to connect with him the way that she would want him to connect with her (ie: like a woman reconnects with another woman).

If she wants to be successful in getting oral sex from him she needs to talk to him in a way that makes them partners in experimenting and cracking the code - finding the way for him to give her oral sex that is really really good and that she really really enjoys. She's coming at him head on insisting on talking and shining a flashlight on the problem. This will fail.

She needs to change her entire attitude and forget about having a direct heart to heart about her emotions and trying to "figure him out" so he will go down on her.

She needs to approach him with an indirect solution on how to try oral sex again that doesn't activate his shame.

WRONG APPROACH: "Honey, I want to talk to you about how you can't seem to please me with your mouth, I really want to connect with you and understand how you feel about all this so I can fix you and get more oral sex from you.

BETTER APPROACH: "Honey, I stumbled across this awesome video on /r/sex today that got me so fucking hot. It has some stuff in there that I'd love to try with you.

Here's my favourite one by the way: http://extramilf.com/blog/2008/09/23/cunnilingus-lessons-with-nina-hartley-learn-how-to-eat-pussy-right/

By making the video an experience they can both experiment with, instead of making it a remedial effort to fix him and his problem (activating his shame), she has a chance. This will more than likely get him to go down on her to attempt some of the techniques, she can even identify the ones she thinks would work best on her. Men by their nature like to fix things so with some new possible tools from the video he has a reason to try oral with her that avoids triggering his shame.

Once he starts she needs to let go of her own anxiety and make each oral session all about encouraging him doing things that feel good on her pussy. At first especially she can't give too much direction or he'll feel like he's doing it all wrong again. She needs to over dramatize how great it feels when it feels good.

Lots of positive encouragement. Then after a few minutes reward him with praise and by pouncing on his cock.

She shouldn't let the first few sessions go too long because he'll be able to tell when she's not enjoying it. She needs to respond with her voice and her body when it feels good so that he can feel and hear when he's doing something that works for her.

The first few times should in no way be about her orgasming, it is all about helping him figure out that he can pleasure her and how to repeat it.

If you're interested in reading a very well sourced and researched book on communicating with partners without just talking I couldn't recommend this one more: http://www.amazon.ca/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

First, know that you are normal. As I discussed in this post today, one study in Canada suggests that almost half of all women may fantasize about dominating other people sexually.

>I want to consume as much as possible before I jump into anything.

Well, since you asked, my specialty just so happens to be in giving people way more reading material than they actually wanted...

• Start with Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are. It's written by a female sex researcher for women, though as a man, I still found it immensely helpful for understanding both my own and my wife's sexuality. Not about kink specifically, but all about self-discovery and self-acceptance, which sounds like what you're looking for right now.
  
• Next, Nancy Friday's Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age. I haven't actually read this one, but I have read her more well-known work, My Secret Garden. That was her original, ground-breaking study of women's sexual fantasies. However, I'm recommending Beyond My Control for you because it is more recent (2009) and deals extensively with female fantasies of domination, whereas most of the fantasies in Secret Garden revolve around female submission (a scandalous idea back when it was first published in 1973).
  
• Optional: Julia Heiman's Becoming Orgasmic. A fascinating read even if you already know how to orgasm. An excellent guide to self-exploration and a wonderful primer on female sexuality. The intended audience is women who have never achieved orgasm through masturbation or are trying to learn how to orgasm with their partner. I read it because I thought it would help me better understand my wife's sexuality and help me help her orgasm in my presence, but what I ended up learning from reading the book and talking to my wife is that she's currently not all that interested in orgasming in my presence...and that's OK. What I'm trying to say is I am not the intended audience but still found it immensely helpful. Nevertheless, it's an unconventional recommendation, so that's why I mark it as optional. But if you do decide to read it and think about gentle femdom while doing the suggested exercises, I think you will learn a lot about yourself.
  
• Optional: Easton & Hardy's The New Topping Book. I haven't read this one either, but I have read the submissive counterpart, The New Bottoming Book. It was a bit "old guard BDSM" for my tastes, if you know what I mean, but I list it here anyway because I see it recommended so often, which suggests it must be helpful to other people. The one thing the Bottoming Book did teach me is that one of the things I bring to the table as a submissive is responsiveness, so now I make it a point to moan like a whore whenever my wife is doing things to me. I can't speak to what the Topping Book may or may not teach you as a dom.
  
  Your post seems to imply that you are not currently in a relationship and want to focus on self-discovery before pursing one. Once you have come to a better understanding of what you want and are ready to pursue a relationship, I recommend the following two books:
  
  
• First, Emily Nagoski's A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships. Read the whole thing, but know that Part 3 is the most helpful for learning how to communicate what you want with your future partner. The principles of staying over your own emotional center of gravity, self-assertion, and self-protection are worth their weight in gold.
  
• Next, Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. It's not all about sex. This really surprised me, but Chapman's book improved my relationship with my wife and my sex life more than any of the other ones on this list. Some people are turned off by the author's Christian perspective, but his faith is not even made explicit until about halfway through the book, and there's a reason it has 12,674 reviews on Amazon (96% of them 4- or 5-star) and is still the #1 bestselling book on marriage on Amazon even though it was first published way back in 1992. Once you know what you want and how to communicate that to your future partner, you still need to know how to best communicate your love to that boy. It could be touch, it could be words of affirmation, it could be gifts, it could be quality time, and it could be acts of service or any mix of the above.

My SO and I have been together for nearly 28 years and the sex has been terrific for almost all of that time.

However, we actually HAD a DB, during the third year we were together. We discovered that the kind of sex that worked for us at the beginning was not sustainable. During those first two years, we had pretty normal high-intensity sex almost every night. At first, the NRE and the thrill of having passionate sex with a wonderful man was enough to carry me along.

But as the NRE wore off, as I came under more stress from other things, as we both came under a lot more time pressure, and as sex became more of a routine, I stopped getting much pleasure from it. I would get barely aroused and then be left hanging, and eventually even the arousal part dwindled to nothing. It started to feel actively unpleasant and I started looking for excuses to avoid it, even though I loved him with all my heart and really, really didn't want to lose him.

We did a lot of research and experimentation, and solved what turned out to be a multi-sided problem, including communication and stress management. But the most important change was adopting a completely different approach to sex itself. We did sensate focus therapy/sensual massage therapy for months. We also learned to meditate, and then started doing tantric sex on a regular basis.

This has become the anchor of our week. We try hard to block out time every Sunday morning that is just for each other. Within that, each tantra session we do is about 3 to 3.5 hours. It's terrific sex: intense, passionate, orgasmic, loving, joyful, and fun. It's a way of telling each other at an almost cellular level how much we love each other and love giving each other pleasure.

I've written a lot about ways to sustain the passion in a long-term relationship, with an emphasis on edging, sensual massage, and tantric sex. Here are some links that others have found helpful:

• Sustainable sex in LTRs
  
  
• Escaping a Dead Bedroom – our own experience and how we recovered from it
  
  
• What Lesbian Couples Can Teach Straight Couples About Good Sex
  
  If things have gotten stale, sensate focus therapy is probably the best way for couples to reconnect at both the physical level and the emotional level. You can do it with the help of a sex therapist or do it on your own:
  
  
• Sensate Focus Therapy
  
  
• In-depth Diary Of UK Sex Therapy
  
  
• Sensate Focus Therapy for Mismatched Libidos (also for PE and for helping women learn to have orgasms)
  
  Some books you might want to check out:
  
  
• The Joy of Sex
  
  
• Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
  
  
• Erotic Massage for Couples
  
  This is a collection of articles I wrote about having better sex; it includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos and a website (OMG Yes!!!) that demonstrate excellent technique:
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex
  
  For couples who are interested in going beyond erotic massage, this article is an overview of the secular (non-religious) kind of tantric sex:
  
  
• What is Tantric Sex?
  
  ...and this is a book-length instruction manual that is online and free:
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex
  
  I hope this helps!

My girlfriend and I just opened up our 3 year relationship about a month ago and other posters are totally right - it's a journey and I've found this reddit community to be SO helpful (thanks everyone here!) - one thing that really helped me was reading people's sappy posts. Seeing success makes this feel easier.

For the record, I TOTALLY feel you, your second paragraph spoke to my little heart -- I am so certain about my partnership and we were so stable and ready for life before we opened up. It's been a scary process that made me feel uprooted and a heck of a lot less stable. But I truly honestly feel like nonmonogamy is SO good for helping each of us explore ourselves.

I think it's important to be flexible -- when we first discussed opening our relationship we sat down and made a moderate list of rules or boundaries based on what-ifs. But then reality happened and we realized how our rules didn't really speak to the people we really were (example: we had discussed this being open for the sake of rando hookups, but neither of us are all that casual people. Girlfriend especially prefers to have some sort of emotional connection to those she's sleeping with. So things got a whole lot less casual really fast) so we had to reconfigure our boundaries. I am certain that what we currently have set up will still continue to change.

If you've never done this before, it's important to give each other a little slack because sometimes you won't have the right words for what you're thinking and feeling. It's okay to say "this was a problem for blah-blah reason" but try not to get all doomsday about it. There will be a lot of trial and error as you sort through how to communicate and act.

Others are totally right, communicate communicate communicate. If you are feeling something, try not to overthink it and do share. That being said, know yourself -- personally I've blown things out of proportion because I haven't reflected on my feelings before talking about them - now I do a lot of writing and digging into what I'm really feeling before I bring it up and it has been much more constructive.

Don't be afraid to talk about the changes you're feeling or seeing. The relationship will change - how the two of you navigate those changes is what matters.

> I'm torn between accepting that I love this person enough to try to expand in this way and feeling like I'm settling and over-compromising

Oh I so hear that! It's really important that you try not to overcompromise. And I suppose it's worth knowing what it means to you to overcompromise. Are you just saying yes to something so you don't have to think about it anymore? Or is there growth that comes with that decision that you value and so even though in this moment it's making you nervous, you feel like it might be worth it?
Take some time to know what you need and don't be afraid to ask for that. No matter how in tune you are with someone, they're not going to know what you need if you can't state it. example: my partner and I work extremely different schedules and live in different cities (not far, but far enough that spending time together requires effort) - one of my needs is physical quality time together. At first I wanted to be cool and casual, offering that we just promise to see each other at least once a week -- but not knowing WHEN I was going to see her caused some very deep anxiety for me. So I requested that we don't set dates with other people on Sundays so that we were always available to see each other for sure on Sundays, even if it's for brunch before she goes to work, or for the evening when she gets off work (there's a second part of why this is important to me -- in past poly-relationships and even in the very beginning of our opening up, I give a wide berth when my partners are meeting new people. So wide that I'll give up our quality time, and eventually erode our relationship - this is a problem I am working through).
If you live together then you may want to talk about making an effort to have a specific date night, whatever that might mean. If you're living together it can be easy to assume you spend a lot of time together so it doesn't matter, but that time is your regular every day down time. It's important to have some special time.

It's going to take time. It's going to take talking. There are going to be mistakes and you're probably going to learn a lot more about patience and forgiveness. You might feel unsettled for a little while -- give it time. I've seen people say this a lot and it is worth saying it again -- opening your relationship is putting it on Hard Mode. But it's doable and so worth it. My biggest piece of advice is to take the time to sort through your feelings. Take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself.


Here are some resources that have helped me so far:

• Probably everyone has directed you here: More than two
  
• And specifically: More than two: Handling Jealousy
  
• More than Two also has a few bits about being a monogamous person who loves a poly person (just as appropriate for a mono person loving a nonmono): Polyamory for Monogamists
  
• This one feels really basic but it also mentions some very realistic things and helped me to determine things I wanted to discuss with my partner: Clopen Relationships
  
• (not totally just about casual openness but about love as a whole; a really good read nonetheless): casual love
  
• AND. I haven't read it yet but I've seen it suggested SO OFTEN (but don't see it suggested in the other comments) - Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
  
  (edited for formatting errors)

I'm sure that a lot of your complaints here are justified but one stood out to me and needs to be addressed. Obviously what I'm writing is only relevant if you really want to work to salvage things. If not, you've gotten some good advice elsewhere in this thread.

> "I don't feel loved." But I just brought you flowers and surprised you with a nice dinner.

As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, this is a legitimate concern and you are just dismissing it. Feeling loved is a complicated issue if you let it be. Or it can become really simple. Different people feel and express love differently. What might be meaningful to you and would make you feel loved might be meaningless to her. And that's ok. Everyone's different. But it is your job to figure out what "being loved" means to her and then it's your job to do whatever that is. The book The 5 Love languages makes this really easy. Figure out what her primary love languages is and then "speak" that language. It makes a huge difference.

I'm not trying to pick on you or make it out to be all your fault. I'm sure it's not. But this is one thing that you've mentioned that you do have influence over. When both parties in a relationship really feel loved it's crazy how many of those other problems can be resolved quickly and easily. And both parties feeling loved often starts with one person making the effort to make the other feel loved. I wish you the best of luck.

>try to understand me before you jump up on the bench with your white wig and your gavel.

I read some of your other comments before first responding to you. You're in your thirties, and oh so experienced. Except that you think you know more than you really do. Experience with only certain types of relationships, and second-hand at that, does not make you an expert on all things emotional or human. At least have the humility to accept that you don't know all there is to know about people before handing down your "wisdom".

>but it's another thing entirely for a guy to string a girl along for months or even years on end because she thinks that one day he's going to magically realize how good she is to him and he's going to devote himself entirely to her.

Which is exactly what I was referring to by reading things onto the OP's situation that were in no way hinted at or supported by her post. She seems to maybe still carry some of your assumptions, since she was initially hurt by his not wanting to be in a relationship, but has since realized that a relationship wasn't what she wanted either. Where's the stringing along? Where's the abuse you so readily assume must be there?

>I've personally watched friends of mine, both male and female, get sucked into these situations where one person thinks there's an emotional connection that is eventually going to come to fruition, while the other person laughs at the very idea of ever taking the relationship further than the bedroom.

Yes, of course this happens. But it doesn't always happen, it's neither the norm nor the majority of cases. There's nothing here to indicate that this is one of these situations...well, nothing except your obvious prejudices and preconceptions.

>Human beings, particularly women, are not biologically/emotionally structured to bounce freely from one sexual partner to the next without forming any emotional attachments.

Support that statement or stop making it. Or rather, clear up what you mean by "emotional attachments". As someone who's had a significant number of happy, consensual sexual friendships in his life, I freely admit that these friendships were deeper and meant more to us than most non-sexual friendships did. But caring about and for a person doesn't mean you want to form a long-term monogamous bond with them, and your assumption that feelings (particularly female feelings apparently) automatically require a traditional monogamous relationship to be healthy and not wounding is simply wrong. You go on and on about your experience, yet I doubt that yours holds a candle to mine. So sure, sexual relationships will always mean more than non-sexual relationships, because of the intimacy and trust required for consensual sex. But that meaning does not need to be expressed in the narrow forms you set out for it, and there need be no using of one party by another simply because they chose a different arrangement than you would.

>it's impossible to argue that there aren't elements of our physiology that encourage us to fall in love with someone and reproduce

I would recommend you read Sex at Dawn before you peddle unfounded "evolutionary" psychology as if it were at all valid. Yes, that hoary old chestnut has been repeated endlessly for generations, but it doesn't make it any more true. Romantic love, especially of the Taylor Swift variety (which seems to be what you're holding up as the natural state of human romantic relationships) is a relatively recent invention, not more than a couple hundred years old. At our deepest, most fundamental and instinctive level, we're wired to share several partners and form deep attachments with all of them, to share resources and child-rearing responsibilities amongst a small group of equal adults. We may not do things this way anymore, and deep-seated social mores and phobias (casually reinforced by people like you) may make these arrangements problematic for most people today, but that is what the elements of our physiology encourage us to do.

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

to be honest, where i am right now, SW has made me more compassionate and healed me in a way that i couldn't get from my civilian life. it helped me cultivate a sense of power, confidence, and taught me more about how to have boundaries than any therapy modality could. i no longer have anger or hurt towards the clients i see who are married. i have a much more nuanced way of seeing people and relationships now, and that's where i'm able to have compassion for all people. i feel more like a therapist now than i did years before doing SW, and see how complicated people are.

i know what you're feeling because i've felt it too. i have gotten to a much different place now, though it took years out of SW to finally get there, and now i'm back with a much wiser and healthier perspective as a working SW again.

around the time i first started escorting around age 23 was when i came to the discovery/realization that my own father was a client. i saw his laptop open with a browser tab on eros, and coupled with many other pieces of info, i just knew he was a clientl! that, coupled with who he was a father and husband to my mother, made me lose my shit because he wasn't the best, and it gave me a very negative view of men for most of my 20s. after that, i went back to civilian jobs and slowly healed myself.

being a SW is marginalizing, but it's also incredibly powerful to have the kind of perspectives and knowledge about the world and how men operate that we get to see that civilians don't. i start with the idea of having this knowledge is extremely powerful and enlightening and build upon that. we are like deities who have secret info about the rest of mankind that other women are blind to. knowledge is power.

IMHO, sex work will change you, but it doesn't necessarily have to hurt you. it depends on how you choose to see the world and seek out new relationships with the new knowledge you know about men and relationships. there are two main perspectives i see with having this newfound understanding:

1. you focus on the loss of a disney-influenced monogamous fairytale of "the one" or prince charming and live in despair and feel like a victim.
   
2. you understand that modern monogamy is outdated for the contemporary world, and as a SW we are enlightened and lucky enough to have access to this knowledge of how most men are -- lying about their monogamy in order to sustain a piece of status or image and to avoid being alone. you understand that we have been lied to our entire lives about what monogamy is, and the lie that most men are monogamous and you will live happily ever after. you get that happily ever after is a lie, and many couples pretend they are happy and perfect when they are full of issues. as someone with this knowledge, i feel privileged to have it and be aware of it instead of living in ignorance like so many civilian women do, believing their prince charming husband is some angel working overtime, while he's spending thousands on SWs.
   
   it actually gives us an advantage over civilian women in finding the right kind of man because we understand that civilian women are lied to constantly by their own partners, families and society about what the world and what the men in their lives are actually like. it just means we have to find the right kind of man who is honest with himself and all of his partners. it will take more work, more time, but it will make our future relationships stronger if we act accordingly.
   
   gathered from my civilian dating life and sw life, what i find most noticeable about men is that men who are more focused on status and tradition are more likely to be in a monogamous relationship, but will have their cake behind their partners back. they do love their partners, but they also force their partners into non-consensual open relationships without the knowledge that it is so. they are deceivers and liars, but are they exactly monsters? no. just complicated men who aren't able to live authentically and live a life of lies on a daily basis.
   
   luckily there are more men than ever before, especially in younger generations, who are becoming more honest about what they want, and their relationships. ethical non-monogamy is an option and many people are very happy living that way. I think a lot of non-monogamous or poly couples are much better at communication than monogamous men/people are, and that is kind of by design. i've just emerged into my non-monogamous identity, and as someone who is dating and trying to meet a primary partner, I've found that men who are open to real honest & ethical non-monogamy are men who are more likely to be sw-friendly and understand it as real work, but also are just more open about everything in general. while obviously not every non-mono guy is like that, it's much more apparent than in monogamous men who don't know how to communicate and play games. it's a breath of fresh air actually.
   
   some videos for intros to non-monogamy:
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cVPDSHSaW4
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9ASb3LfE
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8jW946HE0
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3ZHePuZ9U
   
   ...and of course this book, the bible of polyamory/NM: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1442200227&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224
   
   ​
   
   ​

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

> I've found a very willing sub who wants to sub for me full time.

How experienced is she?

> What I really need is some sort of newbie guide for doms.

You could try The New Topping Book for starters, or perhaps, The Loving Dominant. For a great discussion of power exchange at all levels, rife with subtle helpful tips, definitely get yourself a copy of The Control Book. Of course, we've got our /r/BDSMfaq which should help with most really basic questions and this community as well for complicated ones.

For new people, 24/7 is really not recommended. It's a lot more work and a lot more responsibility than you may realize. It is generally recommended that you start out slow - say an hour of service one day, followed by a few hours another day, slowly working up to a whole day, a weekend, and finally a whole week.

Only after testing the waters and knowing it's what you both really want is it really a good idea to go into 24/7 D/s, in my opinion. You can certainly rush it if you want, but you should be wary and aware that you are rushing it.

> I understand that I tell her what to eat, when to eat, and what to do at pretty much any time,

What gives you that impression? Is that what she wants?

> but I'm not sure how to reinforce and make sure it becomes lifestyle in a way that it hits that right spot in her brain for her.

Does she have a problem eating regularly and on time? If so you'll have to provide her a structure with rewards and punishments that encourage her to eat. Typically positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement. Punishments should not be enjoyable, reserved for serious infractions, and should always fit the infraction (soap in the mouth for improper speech makes sense, but not for not eating).

> She's all for it, and has given me lots of advice on how to dom her, but I'm worried that if I'm not training properly this could blow up in my face.

Training for what? You need to have a specific goal for training. Either you are training her for a general position (sexual service, domestic service, both), to learn specific skills (bottom or top skills you can teach her), or to become molded to your personal specific desires for a bottom. Which do you want, and which does she want? Do you agree?

> Sometimes we'll just kinda relax, hang out, play games, etc. Am I ruining the dynamic by letting her joke around with me? Where do I find that right "balance" ?

Is she having fun? Are you having fun? Stop overthinking it. There is no need to be any particular way. Just be the way you are with her, naturally, but with confidence that what you say generally goes. Don't be afraid to make mistakes either, because you're human and you will make them. Own up to them, and rectify them. Set an example.

> So far she's been very good about asking permission, saying sorry, thank you, etc. How important is that I keep enforcing that? How sternly?

It's important only if it's important to her or important to you. Is it? Did you ask her? Have you asked yourself? You've really gotta ask yourself and her these things, think about them, talk about them, then think some more.

> Does sexual training help reinforce the domestic training? Should there be a schedule for sessions?

Domestic service and sexual service are two different things. Sometimes they can be mixed (nude domestic service in an apron and shackled heels, mmmm). Should there be a schedule is up to you; however, repetition of lessons always helps humans and most other animals with training.

> She asked me to reprogram her, to be her sir, and to dominate her life. I want to put the effort into making sure I do that right, because it's something we've both always wanted.

She seems like an idealistic newbie, and so do you. You both need to put a lot of work into writing essays and communicating with each other finding out exactly what it is she wants and what you want. All this vagueness isn't helping either of you. That's my assignment for you both!

tl;dr Make a list of what you are looking for out of a 24/7 relationship, find out what she is looking for, and make some goals for you to achieve through her submission to you. Write these goals out and create a list of rules to support meeting these goals.

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

[cont.]

> Sorry for the long wall, I'm literally grasping at straws here, I understand that because I'm so upset this story is all just about him and his stubbornness, I must add that he doesn't have the same hangups about my socializing, but also I don't and I won't ever fight him tooth and nail over someone I claim is not important, like he does. Give me anything, INTP's I'm just spiraling into the biggest emotional breakdown of 2016, I think.

It's okay. This sounds like a really big challenge for you, and trust me my love, I have BEEN there. I get it. The good news is that all of this can be solved. The issue at stake here is mainly communication and a willingness to be vulnerable, which, if successfully navigated, can lead to a much deeper relationship and a much stronger sense of self-worth and confidence in your life. For that to happen, though, you both need to be willing to practice communication, and you both need to be willing to look at your own feelings and fears and validate them without treating them as URGENT CRISES that must immediately be resolved by the other person, because that is not possible. The only way your feelings will calm down and your fears will go away is by shining a light on them and seeing them for what they really are. They are your own responsibility, and yours alone.

I strongly suggest reading the book More Than Two. It's primarily directed at polyamorous people (people who have more than one romantic relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved), but it has LOADS of insight that will be very useful in a monogamous relationship as well. Seriously, I cannot recommend it enough. There are tons of big, juicy sections about communication and jealousy that I think you will find enlightening.

I hope that my point of view has been helpful for you. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions or need clarification. I deeply wish you a full and fairly painless transition through this difficult period. Sending you all my love and support. <3

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

Hopefully I'll give a bit of a different perspective here. First, I'm a male dating a female who is married to a male, so I have some experience with this. I completely understand where you're coming from here. Your emotions about this can be changed with a few important, albeit tough, decisions from you.

Right now, your "mental programming" is in a space of jealousy, no matter whether is light or heavy jealousy, you're still feeling somewhat possessive of your BF. Think of it this way: It's your birthday. You get a birthday cake. Are you going to keep it all for yourself, or are you going to share that delicious cake with everyone who is at your party? This is a bit of an obvious one, you want to share the good thing in your life with the friends you have here at your party. Now let's narrow that down a bit. You have an awesome guy that you can call "boyfriend", and you get to share that awesome experience with someone who thinks he's awesome too. You two have something in common; you both think this guy is awesome.

First, pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. This is a great manual to all of the feelings and communication you need.

And especially since we're in the Poly subreddit, I'm surprised that more people haven't pointed you towards compersion. First, you need to become comfortable with your poly/mono situation. The rest of this will never work out until you do. Next, you need to find some solidarity/love/like with your metamour (your BF's GF). You would ideally consider her a friend, or at least find solidarity in the fact that you both love and care for this man. At that point, you may start to feel, as many friends do, like giving a gift to your friend. How about the gift of getting your communal boy all riled up? The caveat here is that you have to genuinely have the thought of giving behind your actions. You can't say to yourself that "He's having sex with you, but I'm the one he's thinking about". Thats kind of shitty. You have to genuinely be giving about the situation.

A recent example of my own from this week: GF and I don't get much time together because of conflicting work schedules, so maybe 2-4 hours together twice a week. Her husband works at home, and is on the phone a lot, so sex is kind of troublesome to schedule. We go out shopping or some such for an hour or so, and when we get back we get some cuddling in. (We're both champion cuddlers and need like 30 mins a day of good solid loving cuddles.) When we kiss goodbye, I'll sometimes give her a small orgasm by playing with her, and then intentionally send her to her husband to get some playtime. And he and I are on the same level about this thing. She gets worked up and I have to leave, so he takes over and they have a great time. Yes, I orchestrated that, but I'm not throwing him a bone, I'm genuinely giving a gift to both of them.

In closing, it will take time, but if you are committed to being a good partner to a poly person, you may want to consider intentionally working to create compersion in your relationship.

Sorry for the novella, lol. :)

Basing a response on what you've said to us:

"Holidays for my family are all about relaxing, eating and enjoying friends and family [took a little liberty with 'getting turnt'; IL's don't sound like they'll fit in...]
As guests, your responsibility is to be gracious and to entertain yourselves rather than demanding an itinerary - or ANYTHING. I shouldn't have to tell you this - you're adults and presumably acquainted with the social graces - but I am."

"You're welcome at our Thanksgiving and to hang out if you behave like guests. The rest of the time you're on your own. None of us are your tour guide. Google some local attractions and decide what you might like to do."

It's been almost a year since I had a holiday with my own family. I'm doing so and have advised DH that he's welcome to look after you and to spend as much time as he wishes with you. I'll be hanging out with my folks and friends. Hope you have a great time."

This is salty. Overbearing and self-entitled people leave you little choice; they wouldn't be making ridiculous demands if they were sufficiently reasonable for you to be polte. You have to be blunt.

If they clutch their pearls and gasp tell them "Reasonable folks wouldn't require being spoken to this bluntly; it's sometimes called a clue-by-four. Now that I have your attention, realize how overbearing and ridiculous is your behavior. Or don't. Either way, my family and I will be spending this visit together rather than entertaining you."

Copy DH and tell him something like "Your parents are being ridiculous. They're your family. Dear, based on their demands I feel like saying 'your circus, your monkey's.' You're welcome to put up with / hang out with them all you want or feel obligated to. I won't and refuse to allow them to steal or spoil my time with my family. I find their behavior offensive BECAUSE IT IS. I hope if you let them impose on you, you begin to understand that Fear, Obligation and Guilt are a shitty basis for a relationship. With your parents or anyone."

And give him When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover for holiday reading.

I promise that 1) this experience WON'T loosen up FMIL or help her appreciate you. You've stolen her Baby Boy (hurk) and she's pissed. 2) She's shown you who she is. Believe her. 3) Absolutely somebody's going to be stuck trying to appease her; it doesn't have to be YOU. 4) Contact MIL as soon as you read this (unless it's 3 a.m.) and tell her that you're not her bank; her reservations will be canceled at 8 a.m. Thursday (allows her an extra day for Veteran's Day) unless you have the $1500 in full.

No, dear, you DON'T just have to front her funds; you're in a little FOG yourself. What's she going to do - spank you? Ground you? Stop speaking to you? (GOOD)

You're an adult. So is she, at least in years. You're her equal. She owes you reasonableness but you're clearly not going to get it without insisting on it.
You owe her FFF: Fair, Firm and Friendly until she's an ass, which she achieved some time ago. Now she gets Fair and Firm in perpetuity or until genuine change occurs. Perpetuity is waaaaay more likely.

Please accept that you get what you insist on rather than what you deserve. Taking this to heart - and living by it - is a significant sign of adulthood.

I hope you seize this opportunity to begin reclaiming your life; you deserve it. And maybe your very dear husband will start to see that the sky doesn't fall when mommy gets told no; that in fact things are better all around when she gets over her head exploding.

Whew this got wordy in a hurry. Sorry for the wall of text.

Look at it this way: Both of you did things to each other that were very harmful for your marriage.

I am not excusing what she did, because stepping outside the marriage, even during a period of separation, is not a good idea.

BUT...at the same time, having anger issues and taking them out on the mother of your children is a pretty serious betrayal of trust, too.

You're both carrying baggage right now, and both of you are hurt by what has taken place in the marriage. Now what?

If you want to heal this marriage, you definitely can. It is going to take:

• A lot of humility. Humility is being able to admit that you screwed up, even in the middle of an argument with your wife, even when your pride is telling you that she's wrong, too, and she needs to be the one to apologize first.
  
  
• A lot of grace. Grace is realizing that she's made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes as you try to repair your marriage. Grace is being able to recognize that neither of you are perfect, and it took you however long you've been together (dating and married) to get here, it will take longer than a few months to rebuild trust, and learn new ways of communicating with each other that are healthy.
  
  
• A lot of forgiveness. You're going to have to learn that forgiveness is a process, it is a journey, not a one time thing. You're going to have to learn that you will forgive your wife for something today, 5 months (or even 5 years) will go by and suddenly something will trigger you and you have to go back to this place and start all over with the forgiveness. And you have to learn to forgive yourself, in the same way, for all of the things you did to your wife.
  
  
• A lot of work. You both built this marriage into what it is today. It took a while to get here. It will take a little longer to get to a new place. Both of you will need to focus on the process, not the immediate results. There will be good days and bad days as you rebuild. Chances are very good that the two of you brought a lot of baggage into your marriage from your childhood. Sometimes you can work through that together. Sometimes you need the help of a third party professional to sort through some of that stuff.
  
  
• A lot of communication. In my experience, most married couples today lack the fundamental basics of healthy communication skills. It is probably the leading cause of marriage dissatisfaction in this country. Our society does a horrible job of encouraging healthy, honest communication in relationships. Books like Love and Respect and The 5 Love Languages can help you learn to work on those aspects of your relationship. It can also help you realize that your marriage is a living, breathing entity all to itself, and it requires the same kind of investment, time, and nurturing that your children do if it is going to be successful.
  
  
• A lot of community. Many people on Reddit cringe when they read stuff like this, but I have lived my life both ways, and I can attest to how much better it is this way. You need people in your life who you can go to and talk about your marriage in a healthy way. Not "my wife is a raging bitch, I need to figure out how to change her" gripe sessions, but rather "I am really struggling with how to change the way I react when she doesn't like something I said. I always get defensive and lash out. WTF am I doing wrong?" If you don't have a friend who can look you in the eye and give you an honest, helpful answer to that question, without judging you (or worse, telling the rest of your friends about it) then you don't have community. Living out your life and your marriage in isolation is another reason why so many marriages fail. We can't do this alone. You need 2-4 couples who are in the same season of life as you are (kids near the same age, you guys reasonably close in age. Older couples who are grandparents can be AMAZING resources, but they can't be your only inner circle.) Where to find these people? I would suggest checking out a local church. Visit a few churches in your area for a while before settling on one. Look around while you're there. Is it mostly older people? Do they do the ritual, stand up, sing a hymn, sit down, listen to the preacher, stand up, sing a hymn, walk out and go home without sticking around routine? Probably not a great place. Do you see a lot of younger faces close to your age? Do they have kids near your age? Do they linger in the common area after the service and talk to each other? You might have a finalist for your home church. If you're atheist/agnostic/not sure right now--forget about the faith aspect for a little bit. Trust me when I say, 90% of the beef most Americans have about organized religion has to do with the people running those organizations and their completely warped interpretation of scripture. If you find the right church, you'll realize you have found the churches that get it right. At the very least, it is something to consider. I've seen more marriages saved through solid, loving church communities than I have through all the "family counselors" in my area combined. And some of the strongest marriages I have seen rebuilt have come from the ashes of an infidelity situation.
  
  
• A lot of leadership. One thing I have realized in the last couple of years, our society and our media have done an amazing job of emasculating men and conditioning us to believe that we're chauvinist pigs if we try to be the leaders of our families. The reality can't be further from the truth. Look at all of our society's biggest ills, and you'll see many of them associated with the tag line "they didn't have a strong father figure in their life." The success stories of Kevin Durant and other athletes who overcame single parent backgrounds are the outliers. We're conditioned to believe that if we lead, we're being dominant and harsh. Good fathers and family leaders are never authoritarian assholes. They make sure that everyone in their family, starting with their wives, has the support they need to become the people they're meant to be. We're not absolute dictators. We're counselors, coaches, negotiators, lovers, shepherds...whatever it takes in that moment. And if we're doing it right, our spouse feels loved, respected, honored, and valued in their own right as a person and as a mate/equal partner in their marriage. And your kids see a man who is the model of what a father and husband is supposed to look like. They'll want to find a man like that in their life later on. Wouldn't you rather they got married to a guy like that? Or would you want them to marry the guy you were when you had anger issues? If nothing else, remember that it's not just you and your wife that are affected by all of this. Your kids are in the middle of all of this, and they don't get a vote in the outcome. They just get to suck up all of the consequences, for good or ill. Trust me, the majority of those consequences are ill. Put their needs before yours right now, if your pride is getting in the way of letting you try to work out your marriage. Your kids will thank you for your humility and your sacrifice later on in your life.
  
  TL;DR: You're not wrong for feeling hurt and resentful. But don't let that hold you back from making the right decision to fight for your family and your marriage.

RJ,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am a WS and my wife and I have been in reconciliation for almost 5 years.

From what you are telling me there are still red flags here:

1. Your husband is blame shifting the affair onto you. By making excuses he is in effect telling you that it was all your fault. Lets take the "Something Missing"
   
   What he is telling you that because you weren't giving him something he was missing it caused him to have an affair. This is bullshit in the extreme. The only way that you could be blamed for the affair is if you held a gun to your WS head and told him if he didn't have sex with the AP that you would kill him.
   
   Isn't it amazing that he was missing something important in the relationship and goes out and has to get it from someone else? Not only does he do that, but you don't find out about it until after you have discovered the affair. This is classic wayward behavior right there, not taking the responsibility for their actions.
   
   Now, I am going to be blunt. Most emotional affairs where the affair partners have access to each other usually go physical. I have only seen two times in the last five years that I have been on infidelity boards where this didn't happen. Both of these times is when the BS found out about the affair before it could go physical and they discovered messages which showed the WS and AP were about to go physical.
   
   Most waywards will minimize what happened in the affair. Seven years is a long time. He told you they made out once. The problem with that is highlighted in the book Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
   
   >It is a bigger leap to that first kiss than it is from kissing to sexual intercourse.
   
   Once the physical boundary is broken then other acts become easier. Kissing is a very intimate action and once you get to that point of intimacy there is no barriers to stop it.
   
   Reconciliation takes a huge amount of work on the WS in order to build a new relationship where your safety and security is one of the overriding factors. For me this required me to change a lot of things in my life. I had to get rid of people in my life who facilitated the affair. My wife told me she wanted me to find a new job because there was a women at my job that I had become dangerously close to. It took me two years to find a position, but I found one and got out of there because this is what she needed from me.
   
   After infidelity is discovered the relationship changes, you can't go back to the relationship that you had before because you will never forget what the WS has done. It is always there lurking in the background.
   
   Infidelity rips through the relationship and puts it on different terms. The trust which was invested before no longer is there. This is why its actions not words that are needed by the BS.
   
   There is a short book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It lists what I consider are the foundational actions and attitudes that a WS needs to embrace:
   
   How to help your spouse Heal 15 points
   
   How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
   
   PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
   
   She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
   
   Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
   
   • are non defensive
   
   • examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
   
   • accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
   
   • do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
   
   • show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
   
   • make amends and apologize to loved ones
   
   • apologize often, especially the first two years
   
   • listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
   
   • allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
   
   • respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
   
   • seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
   
   • keep no secrets
   
   • do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
   
   • are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
   
   • frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
   
   • are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
   
   • are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
   
   • don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
   
   • commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
   
   

   The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
   

   
   • Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
   
   • Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
   
   • Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
   
   • If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
   
   I invite you to go through this list and grade your WS. What is he doing, what is he not doing. I would invite you to read the book so you can see her explanations on why the WS needs to do this.
   
   I am going to end this with a quote from her book which I believe is very relevant to your situation:
   
   You Get to
   
   Successful Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses of an important “vote” on the matter. They realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights of exclusivity and privacy. To compensate for these violations, Successful Rebuilders respect the offended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-affair.
   
   Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse “gets to” choose the next moves. Successful Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature of their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices of their own.
   
   I am sorry that you are dealing with this. The second dday resets a lot of the trust that has been built before it. Many people simply feel like they were put back at the beginning. What he is giving you is not the reconciliation you deserve. I believe that every betrayed spouse who is in reconciliation gets at the minimum the full 15 points which Linda McDonald lists in her book.

I don't know what your wife likes, of course, but I can tell you want I'd like if I were in her shoes:

1. Massages. But not necessarily sexual ones--don't make her feel like she HAS to have sex with you after the massage is over, even if she is getting partly naked for it. Put on some relaxing music (YouTube is good for this) and use some body oil or lube. If your hands start getting tired, just simple stroking along her back will feel amazing.
   
   
2. Bring home flowers after work, or even just from the grocery store when you go to get food.
   
   
3. Get her a piece of jewelery on her birthday or an anniversary or whatever. Personally, I find necklaces to be the best because I wear them the most--perhaps you can try to see what she tends to wear on a day to day basis. My boyfriend tends to get me practical gifts (or no gifts), but I would probably die of happiness if he got me jewelery that he picked out on his own without me having to beg for it.
   
   
4. Pick up a chocolate bar that you know she likes and surprise her with it. (or some other food she loves, if not chocolate)
   
   
5. Cook dinner without her asking you to (assuming traditional gender roles here, sorry if I'm wrong). It can be something easy, just do it without prompting and then enjoy a nice dinner at your dining table. Or, if you normally cook, pick up one other chore that's usually hers (washing dishes, or laundry, or whatever).
   
   
6. When you're out and about running errands, do "chivalrous" things for her like opening the car door, carrying the heavy bags, letting her order first, serving her first, etc.
   
   You said she doesn't like traditional stuff, so perhaps flowers & jewelery aren't up her alley. But who knows? Maybe they are. It's worth a shot. The biggest factor in "romance" for me is knowing that my partner actually thought about me and chose to do something that would make me happy without focusing primarily on his own wants and needs.
   
   I'd also suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages when you get a chance. :) Good luck!

Quick notes on rope.

• Climbing rope can be great, but be aware that especially if using thicker rope it can be harder to do safe, comfortable ties; also in an emergency it may be harder to cut. Most of the time (personal opinion) it doesn't look as sexy as --
  
  
• Hemp rope, normally 6 or 8mm, is ultimately the most versatile, sexiest feeling, and tends to be the choice of enthusiasts, and a few cotton and jute ropes are quite nice (avoid the red/black synthetic crap that manufacturers always market as something like 'japanese silk', which is a) slippery, b) ugly and c) not that much cheaper than good rope).
  
  
• If you're doing rope bondage, get yourself a pair of safety shears with a flat edge just in case you ever need them. You'll probably never need them, but imagine if you did and didn't have any! Or actually, don't imagine that, just buy some!
  
  
• The videos that usually get recommended for beginners over on /r/BDSMcommunity are twistedmonk's and they have some excellent basic tips.
  
  
• When trying out ties, start off leaving lots of slack. Better escapable than dangerous: you'll get a feel for rope as you play with it more.
  
  
• Practise on yourself! Try column ties on your legs till you can do them blindfolded.
  
  
• Want to go further and explore shibari? Douglas Kent's book is a great provocative coffee table addition.
  
  A final note, not on rope: when using other bondage materials, please, please, think of safety too. Some examples of safe thinking: handcuffs and irons are rigid, and harder than your body, so keep them loose(ish) and don't apply pressure; gags are great, but they remove one easy layer of communication and consent, so have a system (finger clicking, e.g.) to get around safe words; some things (cable ties, e.g.) are never acceptable, even in extremis: think about the properties of stuff you use.
  
  Just as importantly, have lots of fun! /r/BDSMcommunity is great for any further questions.

I was your age when I had sex for the first time, and it was with my first love. While I felt some trepidation, having to get past the "script"about sex before marriage that my parents had always voiced....I felt comfortable and safe with my partner. Also I had enjoyed the excitement between us, when we'd kiss, or touch, or rub, and was physically ready for that to proceed.

​

Go slow, the first time having penetrative sex may feel uncomfortable, but if it's hurting you, stop and try another position, or go back to touching and kissing for awhile. Communication is important, don't be ashamed to voice when something feels more good or less good, or uncomfortable.

Consider stimulating your clitoris before and during sex, or have him touch you/stimulate you there first. For many women it can make a difference, that building excitement and natural moisture makes their body ready for penetrative sex.

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vulvovaginal/

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/manual-sex/

For my first time, intercourse didn't feel good at first and my partner could tell. I told him, "It's going to hurt anyways, lets just get it over with."...He stopped and gave me a huge cuddle, and told me "Sweetie, that's silly, we've got lots of time."

Maybe you are already aware of this, but in case you're not:

It's very exciting for men, if they haven't much experience looking and touching women so they may ejaculate quickly. If that happens, try to be sweet (don't act disappointed). If you want to continue because you're still excited, you can ask him to kiss & touch you (maybe give you oral sex if you're ready?), and he will likely be able to get hard again in 5-20 minutes, if you want to try again.

In general, orgasms are easy for men, they can finish quickly, and they are very visually oriented (visuals stimulate them). For women, sex is much more tied to emotions and thoughts, and while this varies per each women, having an orgasm from penetrative sex may not happen. It can still feel pleasurable, nice, exciting, just may not end with a "bang". And that's OK.

Feeling connected, loved, and excited by your partner is what's important. If the first time is awkward, you can both communicate and explore and develop your sexual relationship.

​

If either of you are interested in "studying" about sexual techniques (NOT a requirement for your first time- just a suggestion for future)

https://www.amazon.ca/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

https://www.amazon.ca/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789

This is a very important issue to me since I have a non-climbing wife who really doesnt even like hanging out in the woods of Kentucky very much either. She has gone on trips with me, but its not her favorite.

If your wife likes to join and hang out or whatever, you have a leg up. But lets assume she doesnt. The most important thing is to not let climbing become an issue of contention. That means, find a balance of time for you and time for her. If she is feeling loved, then she wont mind you being gone on occasional climbing trips.

I train at the gym 2-3 times a week and manage a decent amount of weekend trips and 1 or two longer trips, but less trips now that we have a kid.

Step 1 in making sure she is loved is to find out how she feels loved. Everyone shows and receives loves in different ways. I recommend The 5 love languages for your reading pleasure. warning: there is a very religious overtone to the book but I think the advice is solid even if you ignore that.

So, if you are showing your wife she is loved, climbing will not be an issue. My wife really likes notes ('words of affirmation' from the book) so if I leave her lots of little notes around the house while I'm gone it helps. One of my buddies is also married and his wife likes gifts. so he does a bunch of small gift cards for coffee, etc... and that keeps his wife happy. Doesnt have to be expensive, just a thoughtful token.

finally, My friends are always going on trips that I dont even bother asking to go on because I try to consciously maintain a balance. The selfish side of me wants to go on every trip but I know that it will become an issue if I do.

Just because you're LD doesn't mean you can't do gift-giving! Something I loved to do for my SO from time to time would be to give her little gifts - something I know she'd appreciate or enjoy, just as a sign that I was thinking of her, like a cheap meme shirt from some in-joke we shared or the like.

During LD, it seems harder to give gifts, since mailing's involved, but seriously - just plug her address into your Amazon account, and send her something from time to time. One of life's underappreciated joys is the thrill of getting a package in the mail you weren't expecting that turns out to be a thoughtful gift.

---

It largely depends on how your SO receives/expresses love, though. Shameless plug for Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages," most of the ideas of which you can find with a google search, basically there are five "languages" in which your partner both expresses and wishes to receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift-giving. While any expression of love can be received well, when you're speaking their "language" it will be particularly impactful. If you want to do something really meaningful for your partner, figure out their language and cater to it. Do they express their love with words, and thrive on receiving words in return? Send a love letter they can look forward to. Quality time? Try a cyber-date, be it a Skype session or maybe a co-op game of Portal 2 (would recommend even if you're not gamers :P).

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

>Telling him to be romantic just ruins the purpose..
>it has to be spontaneous and natural and he has to use his initiative.

I understand why you think that way, and wouldn't it be nice for him to spontaneously do everything you like. However this is a factually incorrect response to human psychology.

Here's why: all of our brains process and respond to stimuli differently. Honest truth. There will be some things in life that are incredibly obvious to you, and yet he won't be aware of them at all. And vice-versa, and THAT can be one of the most powerful things in a marriage where each complements the other. You sense what he does not, he senses what you do not.

So the little romantic things you're dreaming of? I'm sorry, but his brain didn't serve them up as a response he should do. But that doesn't mean it's a fatal problem, it only means that this is something to tackle in your relationship. He's not a mind reader either, so yes, you literally need to tell him the things you like, while carefully listening to the things he likes. Not in a nagging way, but in a "we're better together" way.

To help you, there is a popular book titled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that points out which of the 5 each of us want. You appear to desire 'words of affirmation' while he might desire 'physical touch'. So here's some homework for both of you to get started: there is a free 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or else a paper Downloadable PDF that both of you can do to learn what each of you craves. With that knowledge, he and you can begin to work to fulfill those needs for each other.

But yes, you really do need to tell him. If you're in this for the long haul, over time he'll get much better at it, eventually knowing you better than you know you.

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

• be mindful of her feelings
  
• be completely honest with her
  
• practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  
• not develop feelings for someone else and leave her
  
  You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
  
  You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
  
  There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
  
  And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
  
  Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
  
  Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
  
  In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
  
  However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
  
  

1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
   
2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
   
3. Work on your communication with each other.
   
4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
   
5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.
   
   Recommended reading:
   
   The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
   
   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
   
   morethantwo.com (website)
   
   (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).

Advance warning: I'm only an anthropology undergrad. I am very near to graduating, though, and looking into advanced degrees and a research career in gender and sexuality. This is my passion.

Looking at the promiscuous (according to Westerners) sexual behavior of egalitarian foragers (which humans were for the majority of our existence), and looking at the behavior of the Bonobo, our nearest living relative, and finally looking at the way that both of us use oxytocin to ease social bonding...

It seems pretty obvious. So that we can have sex whenever we want. It's a good strategy. Sex is an enjoyable act that nearly all humans love. It's relaxing, it's great for forming emotional bonds (note: not necessarily romantic bonds, as most today would know them), and it produces children. It keeps things running smoothly, which is important in an egalitarian society.

Infanticide was pretty common in prehistory. The sheer number of infant remains seriously skews life expectancy data, actually, leading to the myth that prehistoric people didn't live past 30. It's not that these people were horrible, just that they couldn't feed every child they brought into the world. Foraging keeps a pretty hard limit on population growth. They didn't have the means to safely conduct abortions, and many, if not most people didn't grasp the connection between sex and pregnancy. This is understandable for people who are having a lot of sex with multiple people in their <120-ish person band; pregnancy would seem like something that just starts happening once a woman reaches a certain age.

But despite all the infanticide—or perhaps because of it—a child which is chosen to be kept has a very good chance for survival. With no parternity certainty, promiscuous foragers tend to care for all of the band's children; not just their own. They grow up with a great deal of social support. In a group dynamic like this, promiscuity is an advantageous behavior.

There's a great book on human sexuality that I would recommend reading. Not buying, unless you really dig it (I did). Just check it out at the library or flip through it over coffee at Barnes and Noble or something. Or, hell, pirate an ebook if you can find one. It's called Sex At Dawn, and I found it to be a pretty solid interdisciplinary analysis of the research thus far. It's written to the layman—in that it avoids jargon and keeps a playful tone—but it's quite informative, particularly if you follow along with the end notes. They go into much greater detail there. Also of value are the references. I've only just begun going through those.

> Does it help to be straight forward (but not too straight forward) that you want sex with someone?

The goal is to want her to feel that you would like to have sex with her, but you dont need to have sex with her.

> How do you compliment a girls looks or physique in a seductive way without being creepy?

Stick with complimenting her style. Complimenting on the things she clearly put effort into doing is much more meaningful than complimenting her on something she was born with and can not control. The key to compliments is having reason why you like what you see, and letting her know that reason. "I like [this] about you because [reason]".

> What do women really think when a guy buys them a drink?

If she likes you, she probably thinks its a means to spend more time doing something together. If she doesn't like you, she probably just wants a free drink.

> Do they like it when you mention that you have a lot of sexual experience?

no.

> Is it easier to seduce women in a loud bumpin' club or a quiet cocktail lounge?

Yes.

> What shows confidence through looks?

If you confident in yourself, you believe everything about you matters. If everything about you matters, everything about how you look matters. If you matter most, how would you look?

> Should money be brought in the situation?

No

> Do girls always go for men with lots of money?

No

> It would be nice to also get some tips on things I haven't asked too.

Judging by these questions, you seem to be a little misguided. Don't fret, that's why this sub is here. Many people in the pickup community started down this road after they read (the now grossly outdated) Neil Strauss' "The game". My personal advice is to start with more foundational inner-game concepts about seduction, and then move on to the more applicable outter-game techniques later. Foundational concepts to pickup are rooted in evolutionary bio/psych. I would recommend reading Mark Manson's Models. Trust me, I wouldn't recommend Models if it wasn't worth the time and money. These concepts could change your entire prospective on how social interactions really work, and sometimes thats all you need.

So the term that you're looking for is triad and there are many people who engage in the kind of relationship you're seeking. It has been suggested already, but I would like to reiterate that r/polyamory is the place you need to post this. It is the most accepting, knowledgeable community on reddit regarding nonmonogamy. I have been in a quad for over a year and it has been the most helpful internet resource for my husband and I.

The Ethical Slut has been recommended, there's also Opening Up. I found Opening Up to be an incredible resource to get my head around the different types of nonmonogamous relationships, the possible issues that may come up and suggestions on how to approach them. The biggest concept I got from that book was that no nonmonogamous relationship is exactly alike and whatever works for your relationship is what's right for you.

I would suggest all of you read either/both of the books suggested. Take notes, makes lists of questions/comments/concerns and all three of you jointly work out a relationship structure that works for all of you. Are you all going to be on equal terms? Is your wife going to be primary and your gf secondary? Is your gf moving in? If she is, where is she sleeping? Will you be ok if your gf dates and brings other men/women home where your child is? Will your gf have the right to discipline and make decisions for your child? Just a few things to consider.

The biggest things in having a poly relationship, the same with any relationship are communication and in my opinion, radical honesty. You all need to feel safe about communicating EVERYTHING big or small and you all need to sit down and listen with as little defensiveness as possible. Issues will come up that may be about anything from jealousy to who should have done the dishes, you need to be able to work through these issues together, equally.

Our quad doesn't cohabitate, my hubs and I live together with our two boys and our other couple is married and live with their dog, so I can't give specific advice/thoughts/opinons on that. However, being in a polyamorous relationship has been one of the most rewarding, beautiful experiences I have ever had. The amount of personal and relationship growth we've all had has been so incredible. The level of support during good and bad times, the intimacy, the love, it's wonderful. We've had our share of ups and downs and it certainly has its challenges, but overall, it has been an amazing addition to our lives.

One of the challenges that we have found is dynamics with disagreements. The way my husband and I communicate difficulties or have disagreements is different than how our other half does. It was quite a learning curve figuring out how to negotiate issues, but with patience and a lot of communicating we've figured that out. Adding more people adds more angles to consider in all aspects of your relationship, positive and growth inducing.

Good luck!! You're in for one hell of an adventure! :D

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

• Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  
• Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  
• Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages
  
  Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.
  
  
• If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  
• If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  
• If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  
• If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.
  
  
  
  My anecdotal backing:
  
  
• The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  
• At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  
• At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -> work didn't seem to matter -> thoughts of "I don't matter".

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

Charisma, you need someone with charisma to lead the American people into true freedom from the bread and circuses that they are distracted with. That will wake them up! (yep, that's sarcasm)

Here comes the red pill, follow ALL the links my little monkeys!

We are being manipulated by very smart people who run corporations that OWN us. Facebook sells product (people) to their customers (advertisers) and we're happy with it as long as we can push the 'like' button and get a treat with the flashing lights; it's because we are social monkeys. It's our nature. And nature is not cruel, nature is not kind, nature just is.

Over a historical context (and I'm talking out my ass here, no professional certifications at all) most people are simply content if they are able to just do what they are programed by their DNA to do, propagate the species. Our evolution, our genes, just wants to pass on the next generation, and hopefully it is successful. We do everything around this. Some are quite a bit more successful than others. The concept of free will is nice, and the more educated and informed among us can choose to not follow our base urges, but even they still seem to do completely irrational behavior, even if they are educated.

Humans like to fuck, eat and sleep, just like every other animal on the planet, everything else is manufactured. I love cool toys, glad we have them, but they are just toys to play with. You threaten my family, I'm now a raging asshole. Ingroup/outgroup dynamics at it's basest. So you want to motivate people? Get 'em scared, FAUX NEWS has been doing a bang up job. We got 8 years of a puppet president who was run by a bunch of evil Neocons, nice world we have here now. And the previous presidents were not much better either.

While the information and transparency of the internet is a game changer, (and I have more hope for us as a species because of it) the reality of how we act and why was pretty much summed up by the recent book, Sex at Dawn. If you actually take the time to read it, it explains that we shifted ~10,000 years ago from a matriarchal hunter gatherer society into a patriarchal culture with agriculture and property (including ownership of women and propagation), but the problem is our evolutionary design really doesn't work that way and we can't change that fast. So we can't effectively function if we are in groups larger than 150.

If we ever do get smart enough to get ourselves off of this singular point of failure and out into other places in the solar system, we may have some hope; and like Reddit, I love me some NGT speaking on reality myself, the universe is AWESOME, but I have a feeling that George Carlin was right. Miss that brilliant man.

Now I'm going to go back to my corner and continue watching my bread and circuses, NASCAR! Love me some vroom vroom.

While I'll still throw away my vote for a third party every single time I pull that lever; and I have every time I can, using my own education and investigation into the candidates because most of them lie, because I care; I'm also realistic. People don't fucking care as long as they can fuck, eat and sleep; when they can't, they do something about it, and we're not out of cheap govt subsidized oil and corn syrup yet.

The more you learn, the more you realize the less you actually know.

Specifically that some people are fucked in life because others are true assholes.

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman." Louis Dembitz Brandeis in 1913.

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

• fix it
  
• don't fix it, continue as before
  
• leave
  
  Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
  
  In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
  
  In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
  
  Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
  
  Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
  
  Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
  
  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
  
  EDIT
  
  You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
  
  
  
  

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

I am glad you had a good first session. Therapy can be very hard on both parties. Thanks for letting us know how it went.

I first want to say that I agree that you should listen to what your wife is asking and do the tasks agreed upon in therapy, but the situation made me think of a book my wife and I read through our counseling period. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It basically goes through different personality types and how best to make them feel loved. I don't agree with everything in the book, but with everyone telling you to do more around the house, I figured I would say that maybe that will do nothing. Service oriented work for my benefit does nothing for me personally, the same goes for my wife. It doesn't matter if she cooked dinner or cleaned the bathroom because I would do it if it needs doing. Delivering service to the other is fulfilling to both of us, which is why I am happy to do any given chore. Giving her gifts (flowers or chocolates) does more for her than any chore would ever do. For what its worth, I would suggest to do what is agreed upon in therapy, and try to figure out if the "help around the house" answer was sincere or if there is another way to help her feel loved that would be more effective.

Edit: After reading my post, I realized that I am acting my male instincts - giving advice to fix a problem rather than just listening...

These sections jumped out at me:

>One of my uncles mentioned something to her about being happier in his 50s than he has ever been - his 20s were about making mistakes and growing up, 30s were about finding who he was, and 40s and 50s just got better and better.

>What I want is to make Linda happy above all else. I want to remove stress from her life. I want to provide everything she needs so that she never has to want for anything.

I tend to agree with your uncle that the 20s are a time to make mistakes and grow up--to strive, to fail and try again--which leads to self-reliance. This is directly opposed to your wish to 100% provide for and protect Linda. I think your style of love is fine and some women, in some situations, would be perfectly suited to receiving that kind of love happily...but it sounds to me like Linda wants the freedom to make mistakes. I could be wrong, but I think removing all stress from her life, as lovely as that sounds on the surface, is not truly what she wants.

A year ago I would not have been writing this to you. I wanted what you are offering Linda. Part of me, I admit, still wants that kind of partner, that kind of life. However, the past year has been a pivotal year of growth for me that truly typifies the 20s (I'm 28, almost 29). My heart was utterly broken by a man who I thought was going to marry, and the reason he cited for rejecting me was I wasn't striving enough. I was taking some classes and working on my career path, but not enough. At the time I felt really angry, hurt, and misunderstood. Couldn't he see how hard I was trying?

Then I got a business opportunity and I took it. It was a chance I just couldn't pass up. I was still horribly depressed from the breakup but I took the leap. In the past year my life has been transformed by that leap, and everything that came after it. Now I have a new community of likeminded people in my life, of a kind that I've never ever had before. I've taken those final steps from student to professional. I'm being recognized for my professional abilities that I've been training for but always felt such doubt and anxiety over. Additionally I've tried out some new skills and put on some new "hats" so to speak; I've been pleased to find that I'm good at wearing these additional hats. I'm proud of myself.

And yet I can hardly believe that I have stuff to be proud of, because I started off in such a shitty place. For so much of my 20s I was drifting. I took things slowly. I asked for help a lot. I took it easy. In my case I didn't have a partner enabling me, but my family. I suppose socially I relied upon my ex a good deal, and that's why my new community is so awesome.

In the last year, I've dug deep, took chances, and worked harder than I ever have before. I love myself more than I ever have before.

Maybe I'm biased from my experience, but I have a suspicion that Linda yearns for some kind of challenge and eventual success. Her wish isn't for you to pave the way for her to make it as easy and smooth as possible. It's hard to say no to that when someone offers. Especially when that someone's "love language" (have you read the book The 5 Love Languages?) is to provide material possessions and make decisions. So really it's logical that she wants to be apart from you because then she can strive and succeed, instead of watching you leap into action to strive and succeed for her.

Does that make sense? Again, I realize I am biased by my own story. Even so, I believe it is worth considering as a possible explanation.

If it does turn out that this makes sense for Linda (obviously she would need to confirm this), then my next suggestion would be for you to talk to a life coach or therapist about how to disengage and allow her the space to try and fail on her own. There are also wonderful books on the subject. If you PM me I could give you a list of books that have helped me. (With a previous partner I also used to take charge way too much and cushion him from stuff, so that's something I had to learn to do, too.)

If you care about Linda and keeping her as your wife, you will allow her to grow and learn--on her own.

Use your imagination!

But seriously, there are tonnes of ideas you can get from porn or from searching around. Once you start thinking kinky, the dollar store can be a treasure trove of pervertables.

I'm not sure about swimsuits and latex, but if you're into the same tight feeling of mummification with plastic you can buy rolls of plastic wrap. Check out pallet wrap as well.

Scarves can be found for very cheap and make for great restraints or blindfolds.

Good quality rope is a bit more expensive, but worth it. Research your rope beforehand:

• Hemp and jute are the "classic" tan-coloured rope you see in most bondage shoots for good reason: it's solid, doesn't stretch much, and holds a knot really well while not being impossible to untie. Good for all levels.
  
  
• Cotton rope can be comfortable for light bondage, but it stretches, making some knots very difficult to get undone if struggled against. Good for begining and very light bondage.
  
  
• MFP (Multi-filament-polypropylene) is comfortable like cotton but holds its' shape like hemp or jute. It's a good beginning material, but more expensive.
  
  
• Polypropylene rope (the kind you might find on a dock) is very uncomfortable, painful, and difficult to undo knots (this stuff: http://www.dingocroft.co.uk/acatalog/ropeyelow6m.jpg ). Do not use (unless you're a sadistic bastard)
  
  For rope bondage, here is an excellent introduction pdf: http://www.kinkfriendly.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/kinkfriendly_org_rope_101_compressed.pdf
  
  Here are some other valuable rope/bondage resources:
  
  
• Two Knotty Boys - http://www.knottyboys.com/code/downloads.php - Hundreds of instructional videos for rope bondage
  
  
• The Better Built Bondage Book - http://www.tbbbb.com/ - Do It Yourself guide to bondage furniture and accessories; a fantastic book
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 1 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-1-Land/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y - Japanese-style rope bondage instructional book.
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 2 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-2-Sky/dp/0973668822 - Volume 2 of the above, with suspensions
  
  Hope that helps!
  
  EDIT: Formatting.

TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.


The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.


This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.


He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.


Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.


He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.


Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.


That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.


Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.


I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.


Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.



YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS



Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy



Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.

edit: formatting

It's really good that you had an open conversation with him and know a bit about what he likes and what his current limits are. Your basically starting out a journey of mutual self-discovery so be ready to see those preferences and limits probably change as you experiment with each other. Although femdom porn videos can be useful for inspiration you definitely don't need any of those fancy items to start up, specially now that you are still discovering if it's something you like to do. Everyday household items are just as good. Your hand, a hair brush, a wooden spoon or a desk ruler are perfect for spanking. As for cock rings, use a ribbon or a soft rope, something that isn't too thin to not dig into his skin and most importantly, don't leave it for too long (not more than 10m/20min) and if it's too uncomfortable remove it or cut it out carefully with a round scissor.

Just remember to be patient and start slow. Be aware of each others limits and preferences, don't rush things and pay attention to each other's body language to understand if you are enjoying it or not. Above all communicate, use a safe word and have fun by not taking any of it too seriously.

In my opinion, "The Loving Dominant" (https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/188-7715791-1251046?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0) is a great book for reference on the subject. It helped me a lot.

Hope any of this helps, wish you both the best and hope you enjoy it! :) Good luck!

28M here, I am with a 23F g/f of three and a half years (soon to be proposing, but shh, don't tell her) We are very happy together and I can offer you some basic tips.
Okay, so after venting on someone who gave you a real dog turd nugget of advice, I am going to offer something practical and if my fellow redditors downvote me so be it. (I actually don't give shits about Karma, but I do want to give you constructive advice)
Your problem is not rooted in non-monogamy, it is rooted in a much more basic relationship issue. People express and receive feelings of love much differently. Generally, there are five types of expression

Acts of service (honey, I cleaned the house)

Gift Giving (self explanatory)

Kind words (saying "I love you/appreciate you")
physical touch (sex, cuddling, etc)

And MOST RELEVANT to you Quality Time

Now, his hunting is the activity, but his lack of understanding your need of Quality Time is the true cause of your issues. You need to communicate this to him. Tell him you appreciate the things he does, and my guess is that he probably tries to do other things on the list, guys particularly put a lot of weight into gift giving, because that's what society tells us males to do when you females are unhappy.
Communicate. Also, if my suggestion is of any merit for you, then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
This book changed my life and my relationship is incredible as a result. If you're getting serious, read it! Oh and best of luck
Edited for formatting

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.

Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1563811365

It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.

I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.

I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.

If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.

After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.

Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.

Well, not every society was patrilineal, just most were. There have been numerous matrilineal societies, too, particularly in certain regions, and many others that have been, for lack of a better term, "mixed" (e.g., things not really passing down lines, but just to the community). Prior to either system, hunter-gatherer societies appear to have been largely egalitarian, probably thanks in part to their small size and loose concept of property ownership.

I've read a fair number of books that touch on the topics you're mentioning here, but I don't know that I've come across one that sufficiently explains why men were the main oppressors upon the dawn of agriculture. My best guess would be that it is easier for (most) men to control (most) women, simply due to size differences, and that ongoing control overtime creates entire systems of control (the same way it does with race). Add in the incentives of wealth and power that came with agriculture, and those who would want the power and have access to it would have had, perhaps in their minds, very good reason to literally lord over others. That's just a guess, though.

If you're really interested in these concepts, there are two books you might enjoy: (1) Sex at Dawn, which, while it isn't without faults, does regard monogamy/promiscuity and has an excellent bibliography that could provide you with a good reading list. (2) The Underground Girls of Kabul may not seem related to your question, and I suppose it doesn't directly deal with monogamy, but it certainly addresses questions of nature vs. nurture when it comes to gender and the roles men and women play in society throughout history and still to this day.

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

Going to recommend a book for you:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

This is an excellent book that talks about jealousy, emotional health, relationships, self confidence, and so many other issues that arise in relationships in general. It's written specifically for people who are considering polyamory or who are curious about the subject. But honestly, I read it a couple years ago and it changed my life. And I'm not even poly! I recommend absolutely anyone who is old enough to have a serious relationship give this book a read.

That said, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about having biological urges, and wanting what you want. We're all human. We all sometimes see a beautiful/handsome person that we can't help but think is attractive. It's a normal part of biology, and we typically try to hide it from each other to spare our partner's feelings.

If you're considering acting on those feelings, you'll need to talk about it with your partner. He has a right to know what your long-term intentions are, and while it may be scary to feel like you might lose someone you care about, you owe it to them to let them know who you are. He will probably have some questions and concerns, and definitely some limits. But if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to at least have a heart to heart about the fact that you are increasingly finding yourself curious about women.

Again, I recommend you read the book I linked. It was a world-view changer for me. Once you feel comfortable, you should be honest with yourself and figure out if you think your boyfriend is a reasonable enough person to have this discussion with, and understand that he may feel a little threatened. Ease his mind. Let him know that you love him. And that these are just thoughts you wanted to share with him, and ask if he is comfortable exploring it further.

I can offer my opinion from the other side of things. My wife cheated on me and I found out through her phone and emails. It hurt. A fucking lot. It felt like I was stabbed in the heart. But we survived and I can honestly say our marriage is better than before. It took a lot of fucking work to get here but we did it.


If you want to save your marriage, you will have to be an open book and be honest. Her trust in you is shot. And part of the way to rebuild that is to get everything in the open. No secrets.

My brain went nuts after the affair and I was like your wife. I wanted to know where, why, how, etc. and she eventually told me everything. It did put me at ease a bit because she was honest about the whole thing and truly did show repentance. That was big for me, it showed she did care and knows she made a helluva mistake. For me, if I didn't see that we wouldn't be together today.

That goes against what others have said in this thread and I see their points, but IMO airing things allows both of you to move on. It will take her longer but you will have to be patient.

Therapy. I can't stress this enough. If you haven't made the appointment, why? The therapy will allow both of you to talk things through. And the nice thing is there will be someone there who will keep things civil.

One other thing I might offer is to check out the book, The 5 Love Languages. It was recommended to us. It's very short and helped my wife and I re-address our relationship and be feel valued through different actions, etc.

Good luck.

I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.

Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.

I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.

Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.

No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.

Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.

My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.

Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.

Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.

In the meantime, read this book.

You have have tried talking, but you probably aren't that skilled at talking (why would you be?).

I have a couple book recommendations that could change the way you think about your talks:

NVC is basically the gold standard introduction to productive communication between people including couples. It seems like you're both not being very nice or accepting of each other (how do you think it feels for your husband to be judged as a child by his wife for having different cleanliness preferences than you have?). This book may help you see the world from each others' perspectives:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

Another books that's helpful for beginning to heal and reconnect is 5 Love Languages. It'll help you both get in touch with what's important to you and makes you feel good, and give your partner the insight into you that they'll need to be a good partner to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The last one I'll recommend to you in particular is Bonds that Make us Free. It seems like neither of you have really been able to understand the others' perspective, or maybe even your own perspective about what you're each valuing. This book may help.
https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154

Good luck.

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

Sure. Feel free to pm me any time you have a question. Remember that the folks at /r/polyamory have been known to give very good advice and anecdotes. If you live in a bigger city then there's a chance that you have a local poly community who meets up for the sake of camaraderie and advice. And do read Sex at Dawn. There's also another pretty good intro to nonmonogamy book called Opening Up

Of course, I was scared of what it would mean for my ltr relationship to open up. I was worried that it might mean I just secretly didn't love the guy, that he wasn't 'the one' (ugh, can't stand the concept of the one now that I've thought about it for a few years). I was scared that he'd meet someone new who was just so much better than me that he wouldn't need me any more (I struggled a lot with my self-esteem back then)

I had expected that I just wouldn't fall in love (a very naive assumption for an infj going into a deep, trust-based and sexual connection to a person they like) When I did start falling in love I was scared that my feelings would just transfer over to the new person as if we have finite amounts of love.

I was elated when I discovered that (much like how I still love and appreciate all of my exes even though I no longer feel 'in love' feelings for them) I was easily able to love many people, intensely. Rather than one love weakening another, it strengthened my certainty because I was going to each partner willingly, rather than because I had to love them or burn that bridge completely so that I could love someone new.

It also helped a lot because I used to make my partnership my whole identity, but now I get to play into the very different facets of my identity (and play with my injf masks) by dating different kinds of people and having totally different sorts of interactions. Some partners are very cerebral, some very physical, some very silly. I get to keep learning new people and helping them feel loved, valued and special.

Of course I still get twinges of jealousy, but I see now how it comes from being afraid that I am not good enough, valuable enough or worthy or love and commitment from others. Now that I've seen the root of the problem I am really able to grow as an adult woman. I feel far more accepting of myself now that I've gone through the wilderness of this little experiment.

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.

It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.

You know what really helped me? Reading The Five Love Languages. Best seven bucks you'll ever spend on your relationships. Identifying your love languages may help each of you figure out why your love tanks have been feeling empty.

For instance, my love language is Quality Conversation. I feel loved when my significant other spends time talking with me, sharing opinions and emotions. My boyfriend's is Physical Touch. When I didn't feel loved, I automatically physically withdrew and he also felt unloved so both of us were unhappy. Knowing each other's love languages gives us a starting point on what we can do to help the other feel appreciated and loved, and when your partner feels loved he feels more inclined to reciprocate. If that makes sense. :) Good luck with everything!

Try and see that stress as a source of energy. Stop telling yourself stories about it, and use it instead. Exercise, go perform an act of service, start a new, interesting hobby, read a book. Don't sit there and dwell about it.

If you want to dwell about it, then sit there and dwell about it. Here's what I recommend: First, just sit. Second, find where it feels bad. Third, take a deep breath and try and find a place where it feels good. Fourth, notice that in the same space of awareness there are some sensations that feel good and some sensations that feel bad. Finally, realize that's all there ever is, a series of sensations, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant, constantly arising and passing away, and then - of course -- the stories we tell ourselves about those sensations.

If you're familiar with the practice of metta, do some of that. Extend metta to yourself and your wife -- neither of you is above the other. Imagine that love is unconditional and extend it to her even in a situation involving the darkest of fantasies you may have, fears of her cheating, becoming physically intimate with another, leaving you. Love her through it all. And love yourself through it all. She's free to make her own choices, and so are you. You are in a relationship, meaning that you co-exist in relation to one another. That relationship is never the same in any two moments.

Getting "married" and saying some vows doesn't create some magical bond that prevents bad things from happening. For some, the idea of marriage, and belief in the sanctity of it, impress powerfully on the mind and can ensure that intentions remain wholesome and positive. Others don't feel as strongly about the concept or cling to that belief. Neither is right or wrong. The point is: You're creating your relationship in each moment. It's always changing, and since you're in relation, you bear responsibility for that.

So, here you are now, in this moment. You feel bad. Again, use that. Get stronger. Become more confident. Learn to face fear. Everybody wants fear and stress to go away. That's weak minded. Let the fear stay. Invite it in. Anybody can exist peacefully when fear is absent, but courageous minds act even when they are afraid, even when stressed. They stare fear down and say "I love you, thanks for guiding me, for giving me energy, and helping to show me the way."

Get it together. Moping, stressing. What a waste of time. If you want some books to read, here are a few I suggest: The Five Love Languages. The concepts in that book are sound and will give you some clues on how to start expressing your love in your relationship more effectively. The Way of the Superior Man -- a classic that will give you some new perspectives on your relationship and what it means in the grand scheme of things.

PM me if you want some more advice or want to chat. For what it's worth, I had about a three-year hardcore, awakening-oriented meditation practice going, when I learned that my wife was actually cheating on me. I immediately forgave her and moved mountains to try and save the relationship for the sake of ourselves and our three-year old son. She left anyway to pursue the affair, and we got divorced. The divorce was quick and amicable. She and I remained friends despite it all. I'm even friendly with the new guy -- the affair partner -- who moved in with her just a few months later. I've seen some shit, friend. ;)

I've had a lot of luck with online dating but you can, too, just gotta play to your strengths.

You say you're not an attractive guy, why is that? Having a good looking mug isn't all of attraction.

Because if you were a naturally handsome guy, but didn't shave, didn't have a nice haircut / hair health, had no style no confidence, didn't work out, etc, you wouldn't be attractive then.

So I would say, friend, invest in yourself for awhile. Online dating is like a resume. Play to your strengths. If you don't feel confident, work on yourself a bit. Start working out, eating healthy, work on your fashion, your diet, your hair, your beard / shaved face, start using lotion ,etc. Build yourself up to be attractive first.

Because attraction isn't necessarily just about genetics, friend.

Places to meet single women, you could just start joining social groups, going to the bar helps, start joining a single meetup on meetup.com maybe. Or at local concerts, etc. Just start doing activities and you'll meet folk. A great book to read on this is Models by Mark Manson.

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

My wife and I have a similar dynamic as you and your SO. What we have found works for us is reading the five love languages book, only $10.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ZxnzCbBKRTCY2

Basically each person is driven by a few of the five love languages when it comes to intimacy. Discovering which “language” each of you speaks will allow him to satisfy your emotional/intimacy needs. Which in turn will drive you to meet his. Once you both commit to investing a conscious effort to making each other happy the circle will just flow.

One of his languages is “physical touch”, yours clearly isn’t. That is OKAY! Make conscious efforts to “speak his language”, and he needs to be doing the same!

Read the book together, discuss what each language means to you respectively. Once you know your love language your partner can actively work to speak it. Marriage is work, sex is just another aspect of a healthy relationship.

After a few months of focusing on improving my wife’s sex drive increased because I began to meet HER emotional needs. She went from the same situation your in now to being the one to initiate sex regularly weekly.

READ THE BOOK ! It’ll change your life

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.

Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.

"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"

This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

She’s pretty clearly motivated by the idea of having money, and I cannot stand her thus far, but this conversation reminded me of The Five Love Languages. (An absolutely amazing book and a breezy read that everyone should check out. I can’t believe how much it made me understand myself and others.)

Basically, for some people, gifts are their love language. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a materialistic way. Giving and receiving gifts, however small, makes them feel loved. I don’t like using the phrase “gold digger” because it has such misogynistic connotations and also implies that there’s something wrong with transactional relationships when they’re actually perfectly fine and quiet common.

But I’m curious about Larissa—I wish we could tap into a parallel universe and see how she reacted to him having a bouquet of flowers for her when she arrived. Would she have bitched about the quality of the flowers like Daya in season two? Or would it have given her a little reassuring emotional boost that protected her from feeling such deep disappointment when she saw the underwhelming dreariness of Las Vegas for the first time?

I want to like Colt and dislike her, but I suspect they both may turn out to be quite different from their portrayals in the first two episodes.

Sorry for the long rambling! My brain has not had enough caffeine injected into it yet.

Take her out to dinner at a nice place with some outdoor seating. Talk about your day, keep her wine glass full. Afterward walk her to a quiet bar and talk about your dreams and your family and what makes you happy. Take her home and top the night off with some love making, or leave it til the lazy hours of the morning if you're both too tired. Do all this about once a week for a couple months.

Get her a little gift now and then to show your appreciation for her company. Find out what her love language is so when you intend to make a meaningful gesture that it's profoundly received.

When it's time to go home for a the holidays, invite her to dinner with your family. Introduce her with pride and a smile on your face, smooth over any awkward bumps that come with the first time she meets them. Offer to meet her family and bring a bottle of something or a dessert from your favorite bakery. Remember everyone's name, jot it down in a note in your phone if you need to. When they ask how you met, include every detail and how you felt about running into someone so special.

After a couple of years when you're graduating and thinking about where to live, ask her to move in with you. When she says yes, take the reigns and find someplace that suits both your needs. Give her her keys on a cute key ring that represents an inside joke or something special to her that only you know about. Make dinner your first night there, put on some music and dance with her when you're done.

Do your share of the cleaning and work, take care of her when she's sick, buy her some flowers now and then. When you are ready, measure her favorite ring and go get one in her size at the jeweler's. Propose to her in whatever way she's been hinting would be her favorite for the past 6 months.

Wedding plans, honeymoon, kids, college, you can't believe how quickly it all goes by when you're both waving to your son as he pulls out of the driveway. Shuffle your stiff body up the steps and give her a kiss on the forehead and say good night.

I'm going to highly recommend reading the 5 love languages. I normally can't stand self-helpy or relationshippy books, but I feel this one actually provides a good model for communication in relationships. The point is that everyone expresses and expects love in different ways. And as such, in relationships, you kind of end up talking past each other if you have different expectations.

For me, my boyfriend doing my dishes is an act of love. I don't particularly care about him telling him he loves me because words are easy. For him, dishes aren't romantic, they're dishes. He doesn't feel loved unless I tell him and give him complements and say nice things. Until we realized this, we would each get annoyed because we both felt we were expressing a lot of love and getting very little in return.

It sounds like your girlfriend is expecting love in one form, and you're probably expressing it in another. And yes, to you setting an alarm on your phone to get her flowers every week doesn't sound romantic. But to her it might show that you're thinking about her even when she's not around. That you're making an effort to adjust your life for her.

(I'm not saying get her flowers every week. But try to step back what she views as acts of love)

PS: (I'll note that there is a religious component to it, but its pretty easy to ignore if its not your thing).

How people treat you only reflects how they are feeling, people who are happy don't want to harm other people in any way.

Be sure not to miss the real benefits, ditching dopamine rushes is just one part of the whole truth. I think everybody can get there intuitively once they recover (which is 2-3 weeks for me and others, it's safe to say it's universal) but feeling real unselfish love and kindness is the true source of happiness. If you don't get into habit of love and kindness you won't feel as good as you can. It's worth trying however long it takes, you're not missing out on anything! Hang in there. And beware of wet dreams, you most probably will need to restart countdown to bliss again... I personally don't use alcohol, nicotine and caffeine or any other drugs that can mess with dopamine.

I can relate to some of what you describe here. I have a hard time processing emotions that are more complicated than happy/angry. Things like sad, anxious, afraid are really easy to just express as anger or irritability, because there's usually a cause or target for you to focus on, rather than having to deal with your internal space, where there are no easy solutions.

Finding out who you really are is a difficult process that involves asking a lot of questions. Like "what do I consider important?" Then following that question up with a series of "Why?" until you've dug down deep enough that you can't ask again.

For instance, you might consider working out important. Why? Because you value physical fitness. Why? Because it's part of being healthy and capable? Why do you value health (or capability; the question may branch at this point)? Because I want to live without being tired or sick all the time, or dying early. Why do you want to live a long time? Because I want to experience all life has to offer. Like what? Like watching my kids grow up and have successful lives of their own. Why? Because I love my kids. Why? Because... they're my kids?

If your questioning follows this line, then you know one of the roots of your love of working out is that you love your kids. Likely it has other roots as well, and following those lines of thought will give you a better idea of who you are and what you value.

Once you know what you value, you can start evaluating your choices in light of those values, and evaluating alternate choices based on how they relate to your values.

Another thing is that it's hard to live a lot of this stuff out loud. Don't ever try to change who you are like a set of clothes. Work on yourself privately, and you'll see the outward behaviors changing as a result; Trying to change the behaviors first will rarely work; Only focus on curbing behaviors that are actively harmful (violence, slurs, etc.); Working from root causes will cause the rest of the behaviors to change naturally over time.

A book I found to be very insightful (though I found it after it was too late for my first marriage) is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". It focuses on men, since we're (stereo)typically the ones who avoid talking about our problems or feelings, but the behaviors are pretty generally helpful. The basic idea is what I talked about above; Working on yourself to change the outward expression of yourself by focusing on the positive aspects of your true self, and through improving your expression of self, improving your relationship by extension.

[Sex Stuff] The Manwhore Podcast: A Sex-Positive Quest for Love - Ep. 175: Super Mega Gay (Porn) Episode with Mr. Pam

iTunes - Google Play - Spotify

Mr. Pam was a pervy, little Catholic school girl. “I didn’t learn long division, but I did learn where the g-spot is!” she shares of her grade school antics. Mr. Pam is ”one of the most respected and successful females in the gay porn industry.” Get ready to hear the story of how one woman went from post-production intern to gay porn director. Get ready to do the Porno Twist with a soft mouth on this week’s Manwhore Podcast!

PLUS: barebacking, PReP, The Ethical Slut 20th anniversary, militant dykes, and lots of gay dicks!

Click here to join me in NYC for ManwhoreCon!

Purchase your own copy of The Ethical Slut 3rd edition!

Check out Mr. Pam on Twitter: @MrPam!

Get a membership to Naked Sword to see her work!

Join our fanwhore community for as little as $1! Click here to become a member!

The Manwhore Podcast is sponsored by the PURE Hookup app. Download PURE today and have awesome casual sex tonight!

Discover the wine you didn’t know you needed with Winc! Get $20 off your first month with promo code MANWHORE.

Email your comments, questions, and boobies to manwhorepod@gmail.com.

www.ManwhorePod.com

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

I want to mention that while this was a great self observation on u/Cejarrood's part (and kudos to you for asking how you can make your partner feel loved, although it does seem to be potentially solely within the context of getting sex), what is true for her is not necessarily true for your girlfriend. You girlfriend may be less interested in sex than you because she's not feeling loved, or she could have hormonal sex drive dip because of menopause, or be stressed about work, or have a chronic headache, or have had a dream where you killed her brother the night before, or any number of countless reasons. I think it's great to get other women's perspectives but you really need to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, it will save you a lot of time. And if she does say something like she loves sex when she feels loved, relaxed and happy, then ask *her* what are things you can do that make her feel that way. Again, it could be a solo bubble bath and time away from the kids for one person, and for another it's a family outing, and for another it's an intimate cuddle on the couch with you.

Here is a good resource on love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

This should get you started:

Models by Mark Manson: Main takeaway from Manson's book is to be vulnerable, be honest. There are other recommended books on this page, don't touch those. Vulnerability is good for coworkers, women you're attracted to/seeing, your family. Overall good, practical read.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey: General self-help. Even if you don't put any of the systems into place, it gives you a sense of betterment. Fake it until you make it is no joke. At least feeling like you're getting more control in one area of your life can benefit all your other areas.

Power Cues by Nick Morgan: A great book to get you started on posture, voice, finding what to improve on. I recommend this book a lot.

Three books are good for now. If you want something in-depth, or more difficult, maybe even a step-by-step, feel free to PM me. The books I suggested will definitely get you on your way to feeling better, presenting yourself more comfortably and confidently, and also gives you ideas on what to practice and improve on.

I'm not the guy you're replying to, but I can heartily recommend Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. It really focuses more on "inner game"* over "tricks" or routines to memorize. While the Mystery Method may have given you routines to fool women into thinking you're an attractive man with a good life, this book focuses on actually making youself an attractive man with a good life.

I haven't gotten all the way through the book yet (let alone actually applying any of the concepts), but I think it condenses a lot of the thinking in most of the latest PUA models in a pretty short book that, at the very least, gives you a jumping off point to start with it.

Magic Bullets and Love Systems' Routine Manuals are decent too if you are looking for actual material to talk to women with until you get more comfortable with actually talking to women without having scripts to go by.

• I don't know how familiar you are with pick up terminology, but inner game refers to your mindset and other external factors which affect your confidence and intent. There's a lot of suggestions that talk about improving your life, broadening your experiences, and trying to give yourself a desire to experience more than just sitting in front of a computer when you aren't trying to pick up women.

First of all, congratulations! It is an uncommon person who can look at this situation and place the happiness and welfare of the people he loves over his ego and societal expectations.

If this is your first foray into non-monogamy, I definitely recommend doing the reading; The Ethical Slut is an excellent place to start, kind of the old testament of the poly bible. And if that's true, then More Than Two is the New Testament. I would also recommend, since you are opening an existing marriage, reading Tristan Taormino's Opening Up.

I do want to point out one thing, though.

>It was a closeted bisexual's best case scenario

If you are angling to turn this V into a triad, don't keep it a secret. Be up front and honest about what you want. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you acted properly.

Best of luck to you and yours!

Well, I am not even such a horn dog in ordinary life, I just try to take every opportunity - and if you make yourself known as sex-loving, word gets around.

For real, one of my FWB's beats me to being sexual hands down. I've never ever - not once - seen her in a mood that would prevent sex. Whenever we are together, I can literally touch her at any minute and she'll be ready within a minute. I've never heard her complain about orgasm difficulties (and I have no reason to suspect she's faking it). It's great, but it also tells me how big the range between low/ordinary and supercharged sex drive must be. And I know her hubby and her had some relationship troubles because he felt intimidated - can't blame him to be honest. He's truly happy for her when we meet for a weekend because she'll be glowing for days - not because I am worlds best lover, but because I can keep up for like two or three days.

Which brings me to another point - there are different "schools" on how much contact there should be between partners. You have the "poly-tribes" or even "sister wifes" where contact is expected to be rather close. On the other hand, lots of (exp. men) try to keep it all separate and just will be gone for the night and not tell. I don't go to either extreme, but believe more in the former than the latter. I like to at least know the husbands of my partners and I like my gf to get to know other partners as well.

There's a stack of literature out there, for instance The Ethical Slut, maybe it would be worth reading some books?

I just posted this on a thread in beyondthebump yesterday, but I highly recommend both you and your wife read “And Baby Makes Three”... it addresses a lot of the changes that happen in relationships in the first year after baby. It sounds like you would both benefit from some of the tips in that book, but even if you are the only one to read it, it can still be extremely helpful! My fiancé hasn’t read it, but I saw huge changes in our relationship and communication when I applied the strategies in that book, because the truth is, I was part of the problem... and if course the sleep deprivation didn’t help anything. We certainly aren’t perfect, but our relationship is in a great place a year and a half out. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X

Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).


I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!

One of two things is probably going to happen.

Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"

Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"

The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.

Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.

Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.

Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.

I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.

The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.

Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.

I have a couple things to say, from her perspective (because that's my perspective too). I am married and bisexual and wanted to be with women. The compromise my husband and I came up with is that we would try swinging with couples where the woman was bisexual so that I was able to experience women and he wouldn't feel left out. Things have worked out beautifully for us, but at first, I would have preferred for him to just give me permission to have sex with women on the side. He was not comfortable with that, so we compromised.

Anyway, I would be worried about the "boundaries" being respected. It's really, really easy to get caught up in the moment. I'm not saying it's guaranteed to happen, but you need to think about what kind of consequences there will be if it does happen. For me, couples should have "agreements" not "rules." Flexibility is important in open relationships.

Also, think about what kind of relationship you are comfortable with her having. Are you okay if it's only one-night stands? Are you okay with her having a FWB? What if she does fall in love with a woman?

Finally, get some support around dealing with your emotions. You can go on r/polyamory and ask questions, they are friendly and open there. You can also read "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" by Tristen Taormino. I would strongly recommend "Opening Up" for both you and your girlfriend. Read it together so you can discuss it together.

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

So, a few things: If you're interested in going to events and becoming involved with the larger kinkier community, I recommend making a fetlife profile and finding events. They are the best way to not only make friends and learn more, but to find Dommes too.

If you're just curious and want to try the physical sensations, and if you have the money, you could consider seeing a Pro-Domme. I'm sure there is no shortage of them in NYC, and you'll be in safe hands as long as you do your research.

There's a decent amount of literature (My favorite is The Loving Dominant which I like because of how it addresses the emotional side of D/s. It's worth noting that this book, like most others, kind of assumes that it's talking about a male Dominant and female submissive, but it's still a good resource.

Really though, my best advice is to go to munches and other events, meet real people, and go from there. Good luck!

camgnostic wrote:

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?
  
  

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.

TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.

You could see if the guy you like is open to a non-monogamous relationship. I've found that monogamy doesn't work for me, so I warn guys that I date that I only do open relationships. If they're fine with that, great! If not, we're not wasting each other's time. I've been with my current boyfriend for seven years now. I agreed to a few months of monogamy at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other (but was very open from before our first date about wanting an open relationship), and at four months in I told him I liked him and would be happy to be in a relationship, but not at the cost of staying monogamous. He agreed to the open relationship and I've never had to hide anything from him whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefits, and he also shares with me when he's interested in someone else and I do what I can to be his wingman. He's shy though, so I've done the vast majority of sleeping around.

If you're going to go this route, I recommend reading up on non-monogamy and polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a good book on the topic. Even if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, the poly community has done a lot of writing on balancing multiple partners of different commitment levels and their different needs and has put a heavy focus on how to communicate with your partners and with yourself to minimize jealousy and make sure everyone feels respected and has an active role in their relationships.

The Marketplace Series by Laura Antoniou. They are bit hard core in that they are very serious - people are choosing to be sold into slavery. But there are a lot of REALLY sexy scenes and safety is always a priority. (And consensual non-consent.)

Otherwise, I tend to lean towards a lot of short story anthologies. Not every story will be a winner, but they offer a lot of variety.

• Best Bondage Erotica 2014 - any of these annual compilations would be good
  
• Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission
  
• Bound by Lust:Romantic Stories of Submission and Sensuality
  
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink:BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge - A bit more informative than sexy, but useful
  
  Those are just a few. I really like the authors Rachel Kramer Bussel, Cecelia Tan, and Alison Tyler so I will often just search for anthologies with which they've been involved. Also, I don't know where you're located but my local library actually offers a lot of these as digital loans. It's a great way to check out new books discreetly and without blowing your budget!
  
  Happy reading!!

OYS #41

Been at this over a year.

37 yo, 6’0, 165lbs, 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 3 & 13

Another interesting week over here. Started OK, went to shit, then got great again. There were many ups and downs but by the end of week I had regained frame.

​

As I wrote about last week, I injured my shoulder bad from lifting. Lots of numbness in my left arm, fingers and shoulder. Stinging sensations all fucking day and night. I didn’t get more than a 2 hour stretch of sleep for over a week until last night. I went to the chiropractor and doctor and got help. Daughter also brought home a 3-day bug from preschool, so that sapped me further. I knew all of this was a test – and it hit me hard. I did manage to keep my shit together but it was a weaker version of my frame and it had an impact on lots of other things, including my relationship.

My 24/7 dominant and submissive contract ended on Sunday. This was the first time we took it 24/7, and kept it at short duration to reconvene in a week. Truth is, with my sickness and inability to even do a pushup much less lift, I started to get down on myself and it affected my relationship negatively. I often failed at my part. The good part about all of this was that having been through this before (lift inability and sickness) I KNEW what would happen and managed to maintain frame somewhat instead of lapsing into a depressive death spiral. I looked back through previous OYS of mine – last time was end of April 2019 this happened – and I was a fucking depressive mess. This time I just felt unmotivated and recognized some things to do to prevent me from going into a spiral when I can’t lift, and did something about it.

Being in the kind of arrangement that I’m in makes it even more difficult when getting sick strikes. Some PMs with /u/InChargeMan (part of me doing something instead of wallowing – reaching out to other men) helped me understand what the end goal would be in D/s terms: she would gladly be doting over me while sick as an eager submissive aiming to please. I just haven’t trained her enough yet on service to make that realistic and still maintain frame, so I just kind of went with it on my own. This created dissonance in my relationship as if I was being dishonest, so I once again….. threaded the needle….. “Babe, you know I’m sick and my shoulder is busted. Yeah, I don’t feel good. Yeah, I might complain some about the pain. But I’m going to be OK. I’ve got things to do and they aren’t going to wait, and it sucks, but I’ll take care of things.”

Any sense of weakness to my frame now results in nearly immediate feedback from my wife by way of her shutting down her submissive vulnerable state and having anxiety over her Captain being able to lead. Especially while injured. Especially while sick. Especially while feeling unmotivated. This results in her leaving a feminine caring frame and entering a masculine one of duty and ownership. I am still learning how to thread the needle of keeping her in that feminine frame permanently and give her the gift of complete surrender and vulnerability, always.

There was a comment by another vet here on my OYS a few weeks back that said I wasn’t capable of a D/s relationship, and the only way that I wouldn’t blow this the fuck up is if I was an Alpha fuck my whole life. Otherwise, he projected that no previous-beta-turned-alpha would be able to hold frame in this dynamic. I’m here to tell all of you – right now – that is complete bullshit. The most bullshit I’ve ever seen. Truth? That comment made me question everything, for a long time. And then I realized… wait a fucking minute here… this fucker doesn’t even understand what the fuck is going on here and certainly, CERTAINLY doesn’t even have the beta game required to keep this dynamic a fulfilling one. Ultimately, I came to this: Why the fuck am I even listening to this faggot?

I’m here to tell all of you whether you are beta, alpha, omega, faggot…. It doesn’t matter. Anyone can have this kind of relationship with a strong developed masculine frame. I am not any kind of special case. But, who do I think is the best at it?

Former Betas, with some natural Alpha, who then found their masculinity and chose to make it their primary frame make the best Doms in my opinion. We all know there is a balance required for AF/BB.. with the real goal of being an Alpha Bucks. But in a D/s like mine, beta game is what really, really gets you great at being a Dom because of your ability to not only manipulate the physical but also the mental. As a former beta, you know what can be done to manipulate the mind but you choose to use that power in a responsible, sane, giving way that would only make your subs life more enjoyable and better.

Well, I identify as a “Loving Dominant” or whatever label you put on it. Much like others here at MRP who have gone the D/s route. It’s debatable, but this type of Dom in the community is highly sought after by submissives everywhere, is considered to be *only* true type of Dominant for a 24/7 relationship (reading: The Loving Dominant) that is sane and consensual, and is the type of Dom that one would gladly submit to (you can obviously throw in Daddy/babygirl and other types of D/s dynamics into this category). It speaks to their femininity to it’s core.

I can now, with a single look into my wife’s eyes of 10 seconds… make her smile, or laugh, or love, or get horny, or cry. The frame that I have built is powerful, but not complete, and I think I can get there faster with this FO on my ship.

I have come some distance in the last 6 weeks. After my wife has researched a lot, read 3 books, and sought advice from her therapist with my encouragement - our dynamic is changing. She asked to be in a 24/7 D/s for the rest of the year. No breaks. It took me a long time to decide if that’s best for us. I eventually agreed from my own frame.

This week we have resumed training. In a very loving intimate moment, she asked to be collared. Our relationship is not quite ready for that step, but gave her a training collar to begin.

I am proud and satisfied with progress of where I am. Seeing my wife – who until a few months ago would never admit she liked being dominated, fucked, used, or being loved because of her massive ego – kneeled before me with the utmost vulnerability and submission at the side of our bed. I issued the command “Ready to please”, and watched her drop her hands to the floor in front of her and brace herself. She lifted her chin to look at me in the eyes while tears rolled down her face that created long mascara runs down her cheek. I catch a glimpse at the plain black leather collar around her neck and watch her mouth began to slowly open widely and remain open, ready to please me. It took my breath away. This woman… all mine…. Submitting to me in a position similar to this, hoping and wishing I would let her please me. I looked at her, with her eyes peering into mine and ask “What is that little mouth of yours for, sweetheart?”, and she replies as my good girl would:

“It is for sucking your cock, HornsofApathy.”

It’s going to be a wild ride.

Strength motherfuckers.

/u/ScientistInTheSheets is dead on, you need to see the person as more than a sex object. Not saying you are, but it's an easy trap to fall into. You'll hear things about unicorn hunting and hot-bi-babes for a reason. While some folks are happy to jump in a bed, that's a vulnerable act for many of us, and we want to know where we will stand in the morning. Developing friendships is really helpful there.

Honest communication throughout is really important, between everyone involved.

Knowing what you're looking for - sexy time fun or a romantic partner? For you or both of you? Kinky or more vanilla? One time thing or ongoing? I understand your SO is not being super communicative, but this is stuff you really want to discuss before hand. And then discuss some more.



Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read on consensual nonmonogamy and has many different perspectives on the subject.

I've looked into this quite a bit myself, psychology/biology background here with lots of readings of anthropology. There are many ways in which humans can order their societies, and it's quite typical for every culture to believe its way is not only the best and most sensible, but natural - "the way things are."

This is a touchy topic, and one that is dangerous to talk about because of the inherent risk of questioning deeply-held values within a culture. Many things are taboo, but I think it's worthwhile to try to understand who we are as human beings, and part of that will have been shaped by our history - evolutionary as well as culturally. There are many myths out there about love and sex, and they can cause lots of pain and heartache. In general it's worth examining beliefs to ferret out ideas that exist at the expense of humans, and discard those that have more costs than benefits.

By far the best survey on the subject is a recent book called Sex at Dawn. If you are interested in the topic, I suggest reading it - I've come across many of the things talked about in the book from other sounds sources, and the book is impressive. It's scientific and evidence-based, and the authors take great care with the subject because they know it's touchy. It's also pretty damn entertaining and written at a very accessible level for having such detailed information.

Okay, so maybe even /r/sex is too much. There's a book called The Joy of Sex you should read together. I think it would be a good introduction for her. From the back of the book:

>Famous for helping couples discover how sex can be playful, erotic, passionate, exhilarating, and most of all, pleasurable.

>The Joy of Sex revolutionized how we experience our sexuality. An international bestseller since it was first published in 1972, Dr. Alex Comfort’s classic work dared to celebrate the joy of human physical intimacy with such authority and candor that a whole generation felt empowered to enjoy sex.

Good luck. I can't say I've ever been in your position but I hope you succeed in opening her eyes. It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise. :)

Dude, you are actually genuinely lucky. Please, take it from me, as a man who has to endure a wife who went from 170 to 270. She was pretty before, but much less so now. You are absolutely correct there is a dark side, which is all of the male attention.

​

Remember this at all times: SHE CHOSE YOU. Every day she is continuing to choose you. You are doing something right that she really cares about.

​

Here is a to do list to help out:

1. Learn how to do kegels excercises (do a band excercise and then do kegels at the same time. A side effect I have noticed is the increased hardness of my erections and the longer staying power. While your dick might be numb after the first time, you can continue the action until she finishes.
   
2. How to say no. This book will help keep her feeling secure and that you care about her.
   
3. How to deal with why you don't believe in yourself.
   
4. Here is a hands down best book on sex ever. Seriously, you can read the first chapter and apply it immediately. It is all about changing your mindset. Get better at sex. (NSFW)
   
5. Your charisma could use improvement. Constant compliments become meaningless. Solution: Learn Charisma. I have done this course and is helping to change my life for the better.

Yeah, it's definitely a YMMV thing.

I think a lot of the struggle is that there's a representation issue; we really only see the guys who are succeeding, so if they don't look like us it's easy to feel dissonance. I'd bet that if you looked at the experiences of white men at a larger level (or hell, even just browse some posts on reddit), you'd find that dating being hard as fuck is the normal experience.

As far as operationalizing that understanding into success, I think one has to reevaluate their approach to dating. Approaching random women in clubs is hard - and if you're black and fit "that" stereotype you're less likely to get a positive reaction than white dudes who don't (and still get complained about by women). Who are you trying to get with? Is the "you" you're presenting something that that demographic will find appealing? I've always liked girls who have a good sense of fashion, but it wasn't until I started paying more attention to what I wore that they'd give me the time of day. In the same way, knowing that a lot of white people still have (at the least) unconscious biases against black men, making sure that you don't come off as intimidating initially is really important. I grew up in a town with tons of educated people and as a result don't "sound" black. While that leads to stupid situations occasionally where I get told that I'm "articulate," it also means that the women I'm interested in feel more comfortable around me because I'm well-spoken and can communicate with them on a level they can appreciate.

Which isn't all to say that you need to change who you are in order to find success, but rather that the stereotypical strategy of casting a wide net is both inelegant and won't lead to much success if you're black. Instead focus on what you want and what the people you're interested in want; it takes much less energy for immensely better results.

Also, read Models by Mark Manson. It's a quick read and the PDF is floating around online, but it's honestly worth the buy. Book's a game changer.

I'll suggest both of you read a book that was recently passed on to me. While I don't agree with everything the author says, I think the overall message is an important one: different people feel loved in different ways.

The author breaks down five different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gifts.

From the sound of things, "words of affirmation" are important to you. You need to hear him say, "I love you!" and tell you that you're the bee's knees from time to time, right? Great.

My take on the problem is that "words of affirmation" aren't a big deal to him, so he has a difficult time understanding why they're a big deal to you.

I think the book does a pretty good job of explaining how it's important to express love in the way your partner appreciates even if it's not the way you appreciate it. It might help you both sort things out a little. If you don't want to splurge for the book, just googling "love languages" will probably provide some good material.

A friend told me she and her partner read this book and it helped them out a lot...."The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". They would read a couple of chapters then discuss it, plus I think it includes "discussion topics". Basically, everyone has different ways on how they express love. Some people express love thru actions while others express with physical contact etc. It also teaches you how to recognize and appreciate your partners love. There is a middle ground, but dont expect your partner to totally change how they express love.

I wish I'd known about this book before my last relationship ended 2 yrs ago. We got into a huge rut and I put the majority of the responsibility to "fix us" on him. When he tried and couldn't, my resentment poisoned what little love I had left for him and I drove him away. One of the few regrets I have as an adult.

Read some relationship books, go to couples therapy. Do whatever it takes. I'm sure as you know, the problem isnt about "he doesnt put effort into planning dates"; youre feeling unloved and you've cherry-picked an example. Trust me, even if he did magically start planning better dates, you'd find another reason to be mad at him. You're feeling unloved. Sounds like he does really love you, you're just wanting it on your terms.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Try reading the book The Five Love Languages. Talk with your husband and make sure he understands that things like telling you you're beautiful (words of affirmation), date night (quality time), and initiating intimacy (physical touch) are important to you.

As you already identified, his "primary love language" might be buying gifts. You haven't mentioned anything about chores, but by helping out around the house, he may also be trying to show his love for you, perhaps in a way you don't fully understand.

So, first identify your needs (which you mostly seem to have done, you need to feel sexually wanted, and need to spend quality one-on-one time.) Then, have a serious and non-judgmental talk with your husband. DON'T expect one conversation to fix things, but use it to express your unfulfilled needs. Then, make sure to consistently thank and praise him when he attempts to fulfill those needs (by spending more time with you and initiating intimacy), and consistently assert your feelings when you're feeling unfulfilled.

If you're honest with him about how you're feeling and what your needs are, and appreciative of him when he listens to you and works on fulfilling those needs, I think you'll see serious improvements in your relationship.

If it's emotional communication with a spouse that you're interested in, I would definitely check out The 5 Languages of Love. It's not about emotions per say, but it explains 5 general ways people attempt to convey emotions like love, contentedness, and appreciation. Things like gift giving, doing helpful tasks, being verbally affection, etc.

I'm used to and enjoy long term relationships.

I try to love myself, so I don't have to rely on someone else for love.

I'm trying to become more fit, though... the strength is increasing, but I still eat my body weight in ice cream.


There are two books I've read, for personal pleasure, not to 'snag' a guy, but I think they're helpful in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

The 5 Love Languages. This book I recommend to EVERYONE that ever has family, friends, or romantic relationships.

and

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

Hi, I made a guide that covers why this happens.

From my guide:

> 2. Following on this line of thinking, porn, by reinforcing certain desires, makes you want things you otherwise wouldn't want, or would want much, much less; and it does so at the expense of other aspects to sexuality. Part of this is because the excitement of porn is primarily about novelty-- think about why you need to keep finding new videos of different acts with different women. This drive for novelty causes you to watch things that you otherwise wouldn’t be attracted to, which subsequently become ‘wired’ into your ‘sexuality’. Many people find that they become attracted to violent, gay, or child porn and it takes an enormous toll on their lives; and after abstaining from pornography, many find that these fetishes lose significant power, or disappear entirely. Another component of this phenomenon is that because porn cannot provide intimacy and does not stimulate appreciation for anything but a sex-object conception of a woman, it changes your perspective to value superficial, novel things more. And because you are not reinforcing other desires surrounding sexuality, you gradually lose your ability to have a more balanced appreciation of sex and women. That's why sex becomes less fulfilling, and eventually guys would rather jerk it to porn than have sex with their partners.

===

This point is also relevant, though not as significant as the first:

> 1. When you watch porn, you are reinforcing the desires it appeals to. Because of this, watching porn makes you crave porn more. A simple argument is that if you do not need it in your life, why create the desire for it? It is for many a colossal waste of time. The idea is that it would be better to spend your time and energy on things that ‘grow’ your life, rather than on dead-end, fleeting pleasures. A question this raises is whether porn adds anything to your life except a temporary respite from this craving (only to be followed by a strengthened craving). I find that having not watched porn for many years, it does not have nearly the same appeal to me, so it does not appear to me that it does add anything to my life. When you finish to a porn video, don't your feelings immediately switch from excitement to disgust-- like, 'why am I watching this?' ? This suggests to me that the momentary pleasure of pornography is artificially created and sustained by the habit itself.

===

I am making a post covering Marnia Robinson's Cupid's Poisoned Arrow which I will send to you when completed and is also something you should read.

===

I'm sorry for the effect that this has had on you and your relationship, and I am sure that underneath his rationalizations he is sorry too. Good luck with everything.


edit: /u/sluttymustache, here is a link to my post about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow:

https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/5q8c4z/draft_is_getting_too_much_of_what_we_want/

Communication is probably the most important part of sex. You and your FWB should probably have a conversation to figure out what your each looking for in a threesome and what you each would be interested in participating and what you wouldn't want to participate in.

Tristan Taormino's Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is a good resource in looking at possible options. Her blog mentions the Beyond Two dating site for folks looking for more than one partner, as a spot to help you find your Unicorn.

Once you've found your 3rd, a conversation with the three of you is a good way to find out where the attraction is, what's each of you would like to try out with the other(s), need, want, etc. In some communities, this is called "negotiation" and is a great way to make sure everyone gets what they need from the relationship and has a good time.

There are many foreplay possibilities such as massage, mutual oral stimulation, etc. -- you might wish some time on those before going to the various penetration options.

SFSI Staff,

LV / P

San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail (ask-us@sfsi.org) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.

But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.

• Nobody is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU. That girl owes you nothing. No explanation, no sympathy, nada. And she totally has the right to see/sleep with other people. The sooner you realize that only you can control your own happiness and actions the better off you'll be.
  
  
• Don't fall into the "Sunk cost fallacy" trap. (Look it up) Basically how this applies to relationships is thinking that you've wasted a quarter of your life on this girl, and letting it affect future decisions. DON'T THINK THAT. You were with her for a reason. You learned things from her, and will probably be a better person for it. That relationship is a sunk-cost at this point, don't let it affect your future.
  
  
• You're going to feel alone, confused, and hurt for while. And that's ok! You just had a major loss in your life. Let yourself feel emotional for a while. But make an effort to get out and experience new things. Meet new girls, hang with buddies, ect.
  
  
• She's probably hurting as much as you are. Don't believe for a second this guy she's with is Superman. She's only known him for a week! That's not nearly enough time to make a judgement about someone. She's still in her honeymoon phase with this dude, she had a four year relationship with you! And she might have just been saying he's so amazing to hurt you. Don't compare yourself to a guy you don't even know, you'll drive yourself nuts.
  
  Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
  
  Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!

I've been married over 10 years and can confirm /u/Im_Bee knows what they're talking about.

I recommend checking out the book the 5 love languages.

You may not feel like showing love, but she doesn't either. One of you has to start. It's not about who's fault it is, it's about the path you choose to take going forward.

Love isn't that butterfly feeling you got when you were a teenager. Love is a choice, and love is work. Love is sacrificing yourself everyday for their benefit.

It sounds like you're getting rejected before you even get a chance to establish your intent.

This is a wholly different problem than getting rejected after stating/establishing intent. Hell, you getting rejected itself is the only part of your question that matters.

I think this takes a lot about figuring out your approach. Judging by your past posts, you're new to all this and need to really find your footing in regards to the dating world. There are several components to doing this. For starters, note that being her friend is a different endgame than being her romantic partner. They are, 99% of the time, mutually exclusive. Disney and romcoms have brainwashed you into believing they overlap, but they don't. Get that shit out of your head. Here are some other tips.

• Work on how you present yourself. Groom well, dress well, walk/carry yourself well, and speak well. 87% of communication is nonverbal (something like that, I can't remember the exact number, but it's a ton, and yolo and shit), so it's very important to hone your NONverbal cues - arguable moreso than your verbal cues. A well dressed, tall-standing guy with a nice smile and smooth talking style will be received in a much better way than a scruffy, nervous, choppy-talking guy with all his lines right.
  
  tips for smooth speech
  
  talk with a deeper voice
  
  proper posture
  
  mensfashion subreddit
  
  
• If you're not already doing so, lift weights. This is by far the biggest thing you can do to change your physique. a built guy in a well-fitting hoodie is way hotter than a fat guy in an ill-fitting suit.
  
  fitness subreddit
  
  stronglifts 5x5 - for both routine and nutrition
  
  
• Meditate in order to calm your nerves. You're getting wrapped up in your own head and I'll bet your small talk comes off super nervous and unattractive. Ease your mind by training it through discipline. Try Headspace to do so.
  
  headspace
  
  meditation subreddit
  
  
• Understand the basics of verbal game. Lots of banter, lots of push-pull, always be advancing, etc.. There is tons on this sub in regards to that stuff, so seek it out and internalize it. Write notes in your phone and use new lines consistently to get a feel for your personal style of game.
  
  "what to say" post
  
  Models by Mark manson
  
  the shit test encyclopedia
  
  
• Note that this is NOT going to be a 100% game. You'll get rejected 99 out of 100 times at first, then 9/10, then at most 2/3 - but it's not as easy for guys as it is for girls. You will most likely never bed a majority of the women you talk to, and you have to be fine with this. Pump up your approach numbers - this in one of those things that you'll only get good at by consistently doing, understanding, revising, and implementing.
  
  resources exist for all of these things - I've tried to link the relevant ones but reddit's linking system takes forever. There's more as you dive into every topic.
  
  This covers the basics. I may just make this a post at this point, but this should give you more focus on building yourself into an attractive person. Good luck bro.
  
  edits for formatting

Happy to help :) not about being smart but rather, I know a lot of people in successful long-term open relationships, have read a ton over the years about people's experiences, am polyamorous myself and find success with these guidelines. This book is really cool if you'd like to get more ideas and inspiration.
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325119936&sr=1-1

Best wishes to you.

It depends both on the guy and on the girl. There is a pretty well known book called The Five Love Languages that talks about how different people express affection in different ways, and how different people prefer their partner to show affection. Their 5 main categories are :

• Words of Affirmation - unsolicited complements, "I Love You", etc.
  
  
• Quality Time - obviously, spending time with eachother
  
  
• Giving/Receiving Gifts
  
  
• Acts of Service - doing nice things for the other person
  
  
• Physical Touch - not just bedroom stuff, but hugs, caresses, kisses, etc.
  
  Depending on the guy, they might be most comfortable showing their affection in one of these ways. However, if you know that your partner really values a different way, then go out of your way to try to do that for them.

There's a book about the 5 love languages. Haven't read it but I have heard, and agree with, the basic concept: different people need different types of reinforcement to feel loved. Some need to hear compliments and "I love you" often. Others needs gifts. Others need "acts of service" such as doing chores without being asked. Others just need time and attention, such as a regular date night. You may try explaining to your SO what your needs are and asking him what his needs are: how would HE prefer that you express your love for him. You might learn something really important and useful.

> I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.

If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.

Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.

Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D

On the second point of it being a choice or not, I can't believe that nobody's yet mentioned the mountains of scientific data that exist on the topic. This doesn't work for every person who proffers the "choice objection", but if they have any respect for the scientific method, all of these are important. Plus, it's important for you to be literate in these matters. Hell, it's important for everyone to be literate in these (and similar) matters of science, in my opinion, since topics like genetics and epigenetics are coming up more and more in legal contexts.

Sorry if this gets a bit long. There is a wealth of material on this. Which in and of itself is an important thing to note: this has been the subject of a lot of study, and we have gleaned information from that study, even if we don't understand it fully.

In short, give this sort of information to your sister, and her dick of a doctor. Let him dismiss this as "your feelings".

-------------------------------------------

GENETICS

The data are on the side of it being closely (but not exclusively) tied to genetic factors. They don't indicate that it is solely tied to these factors, but just a quick look at twin studies gives a pretty clear indication that there is a genetic factor to it (the rate of monozygotic twins who have the same orientation is far, far higher than the rate of any two PBAC (edit: particular but arbitrarily chosen, sorry, forgot that's not a common acronym) people from the population). The fact that the rate isn't approximately 100% is an indication that some other factor, epigenetic or environmental (which includes the prenatal environment), has some impact.

EPIGENETICS

On the epigenetic front there are also studies which seem to indicate some correlation.

PRENATAL ENVIRONMENT

There are multiple studies that have found this to be a major factor as well. Their findings are commonly called the older brother effect:

> The fraternal birth order effect is the strongest known biodemographic predictor of sexual orientation. According to several studies, each older brother increases a man's odds of having a homosexual orientation by 28–48%. The fraternal birth order effect accounts for approximately one seventh of the prevalence of homosexuality in men. There seems to be no effect on sexual orientation in women, and no effect related to the number of older sisters.

If you want to read the studies (or at least reports on the studies—not sure how many of the actual studies are published beind paywalls) more in-depth, just check the sources on the Wiki article.

OTHER ENVIRONMENTAL CAUSES

All of the above tend to fall into the area of what average people think of as "nature" when talking about "nurture vs. nature". As you can see, as usual, there's more than a bit of a grey area in between that choice that's presented as a binary. That's not to say that there is no room for any of the environmental factors we tend to think of as strictly "nurture", i.e., human interactions and early childhood development, but generally studies seem to indicate that after about three years of age, there is little to nothing that seems to have any effect on sexual orientation, and I think most people would have trouble arguing that a child of that age consciously chooses a sexual orientation.

FURTHER READING

There's a lot out there, but here are a few that I'd recommend on various fronts:

Virtually Normal — Andrew Sullivan - A serious of four common cultural positions on homosexuality, then a fifth synthesis of them (Sullivan's personal view). Helpful for understanding the various arguments made.

What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality — Daniel A. Helminiak — A (semi) former Caholic Priest and multiple Ph.D.-holder discusses the pertinent verses in the book in cultural and linguistic context. A good book for religious parents, though it will probably hold more weight with mainline protestants and Catholics who generally don't go in for so-called "literal" readings of English Bibles.

Sex at Dawn — Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá — A mostly anthropological (as far as I know) investigation of human sexuality over history and prehistory. Not exclusively about homosexuality. I have not read this one yet, but I've heard the authors interviewed several times about it, and it seems like it would be worth it. It's on my to-read list.

--------------------------------------------------------

HOMOSEXUALITY IN ANIMALS

Another frequent objection brought by those who use the objection of "it's a choice" is the "it's not natural" objection. I don't want to go too far into that, but to anyone paying attention, it's pretty clearly and definitively natural.

For more reading on the topic, see Evolution's Rainbow, which is basically a field guide to gay sex in the animal kingdom. It is a fairly thick book.

-------------------------------------------------------

EDIT:

TL;DR

Well, I'm not going to be so self-important as to say you should read every word I've written (though I think you should read my sources). There is a cartoon that sums a lot of this up. This is taken from a longer film called For the Bible Tells Me So.

Owned

Personal/family/divorce past: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4lew12/postdivorce_perspective_part_2/ . Owned and CLOSED. There will be no more discussion of some of my personal topics never ever.

Me as ACA / listening to my instincts. OWNED. There were some people in my life that I did not trust at all. They're out.

Health/fitness: gym - owned. Sugar addiction - owned, I overate and ate sugar in the past days, I created a journal to keep track on this, I realized at the gym that the sugar really makes me way weaker than I was, I realized that I feel "down" after eating sugar. Rationalization - why not, but rationalizations work too sometimes (like Allen Carr's book on smoking).

Family (divorced) and my sick narcissistic head: owned - I did not went into any conflicts this week, not that I did not want to. Plans for the next week - owned too.

Money: started selling electronics, thinking about starting some projects with "work B" for extra monies, I feel like I'm getting there.

Flat: clean, but there are still things to sort out. Flat is owned, because I keep it tidy. Still needs organizing though.

Me as PUA: finished this one https://www.amazon.com/Practical-Female-Psychology-Man-ebook/dp/B00RR6RNO6 , started this one: https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24 . Told FWB that I am not planning to be exclusive, brought some drama, but as a result I felt GREAT because perhaps for the first time in my life I was absolutely honest with the woman and with myself. Asked out a girl that I really liked - perhaps for the first time in my life too I'm going after my instincts, my heart, if a specific woman is what I want, I should open her, I SHOULD LET THE FUCKING ADVENTURE OF LIFE HAPPEN and stop being all the time in control and in fear.

Not owned

Money: my income should be bigger.

Body fat: should be lower.

There are specific red things on my MAP, that I added this week, but I'm not going into details, I'd rather save some time to get them done.

Thanks, MRP.

Along with a lot of the responses here, making a major decision like this over an evening's conversation raises some concern for your and your wife's approach and the longevity of the relationship.

Non-monogamy has a lot of nuances, a lot will be discovered over several months of conversation and actively dating outside of this relationship, but few over one conversation.

​

I would suggest taking a step back and educating yourselves, together, to learn more about what it means for your future:

1: Read open relationship and poly books together. Here are a few I'd suggest:

- Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory

- Opening Up

- Polyamory in the 21st Century

2: Listen to the Multiamory Podcast on topics that you get stuck on or become aware of

- Multiamory

3: It also seems like a lot of assumptions are being made without explicit discussions. A core tenent of non-monogamy is honest communication.

>I have no reason to believe...

- Have you explicitly asking, "Is there anyone you're actively interested in pursuing right now or someone that's pursuing you?

>she’s never really viewed sex as a “big deal”

- Then why open up the relationship? For sex? To capture a sense of who she used to be? Who did she used to be? These questions aren't meant to discount your wife's needs/desires/wants to open up, but getting to the core reason of opening up will make the purpose, form, and function of your and other relationships clear.

4: YOU don't have to practice non-monogamy just because your partner does. A lot of people will say a mono-poly relationship doesn't work. I don't subscribe to that belief. As long as the relationship is equal, it doesn't always means it's even - and that's your choice.

5: It doesn't matter how much you educate yourself, you'll make mistakes along the way. Have room for yourself and your partner/wife to make mistakes AND be willing to forgive for them as well as forgive yourself. It will require a level of serious honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and have courage.


Good luck!