Reddit mentions of Anh's Anger

As others have said, she needs to be getting some kind of counseling ASAP, and that will also involve parenting strategies for you guys. Parenting classes would be a great idea too. I know you said money is an issue, but there are free and low-cost resources available. To start with, you might try calling one of these parenting hotlines:

National Parent Helpline: 1-855- 4A PARENT (1-855-427-2736)
24 hour Parent Helpline: 1-888-435-7553
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Here's more info about that last hotline, it might be the best place to start: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

You can also check out this site for local resources: http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org/find-support/state-resources

In the meantime, here are a few tips off the top of my head:

• Remember that she's not TRYING to be "bad" or annoy you, even though it may seem like it. She's been through a lot, and has a lot of big confusing scary overwhelming feelings that she doesn't know what to do with. Kids act out as a way to communicate something, often because they have some need that is not being met in that moment - whether that's a basic need like being hungry or tired, or an emotional need for attention, comfort, or reassurance that the adults in her life can keep her safe. More on this idea here. When it seems like she's just being a little jerk, ask yourself, what is she trying to tell me? what does she need from me right now? how does this situation look from her perspective? Try to think "she's having a hard time" rather than "she's being a pain." She deserves every bit of calm and patience you can muster!
  
  
• Of course that doesn't mean inappropriate behavior is okay; in addition to figuring out the root problem, it's important to teach her better ways to express her needs and feelings rather than acting out. An important first step in this is teaching her to identify her emotions - 3 years old is not too young to start. Get some books from the library like The Way I Feel and The Feelings Book. Help her identify her emotions in daily life - "I bet you're feeling disappointed that we can't go to the park since it's raining." or "It looks like you're really angry right now." This also helps her feel validated and understood.
  
  
• The next step is teaching her more productive ways to handle those big feelings. Read some books like Little Monkey Calms Down and Anh's Anger that show good coping skills like taking deep breaths, talking about what's wrong, cuddling a stuffed animal, etc. Model those strategies yourself - "I'm starting to get frustrated right now, so I'm going to take some deep breaths instead of yelling." When she acts out her feelings inappropriately, remind her of some better choices - "I know you're angry right now, but hitting is not okay. Would you like to take some deep breaths like Little Monkey, or go sit with your anger like Anh?" Emphasize that all feelings are okay, but we need to act on them in ways that don't hurt other people. Try to watch for the signs that she's getting upset and head it off before she's in a full-blown meltdown. And of course a 3yo doesn't have the self-control to always make good choices (even when reminded), but by encouraging those options you're laying the foundation for better behavior and emotional regulation as she gets older.
  
  
• Related to the above points - rather than thinking in terms of "punishing" her behavior, think about helping her learn from mistakes so she will make better choices in the future. Hitting her just teaches that hitting is acceptable and whoever is biggest and strongest (you!) can get their way - this is even more confusing and damaging to a kid who's been abused. Instead try to use logical consequences that show her why her actions were a bad idea. For example if you're playing with her and she starts screaming, a logical consequence is that you stop playing and say, "I don't like it when you scream at me, that makes me not want to play with you. When you're ready to talk nicely I'll play with you again."
  
  
• Time-outs can be a way to interrupt bad behavior and get her to stop and think about what she's doing; however there's some research to suggest that they might not be appropriate for some kids who've been abused (definitely better than hitting though!). The goal of a time-out should be to help her calm down, and if she's screaming for an hour it doesn't sound like that's happening. You might try a time-in instead, where you calmly sit with her and discuss what happened. A calm-down jar can be a great tool as well - when she's upset, have her shake it up as hard as she can, get all her anger out, and then she has to sit quietly and watch until all the glitter has settled. When you meet with a counselor they will be able to better advise you about what strategies will work best in your situation. Just remember, your goal is to TEACH her not PUNISH her.
  
  
• Always make it clear that you dislike her BEHAVIOR, not HER. This seems like an obvious distinction - of course you still love her! - but to a young child, especially one who's been abused, punishment can feel like rejection of her as a person.
  
  
• Make sure you notice and praise her GOOD behavior. When a kid is misbehaving a lot, it can start to seem like everything they do is wrong. Constantly remind yourself to look for things she's doing RIGHT - and show her how much you appreciate them. For some ideas you might check out this awesome list of 10 phrases parents should use every day.
  
  
• Structure and routine go a long way toward helping kids feel safe. She's just dealt with a lot of big changes in her life; give her a predictable routine every day as much as possible so she can start to feel more in control again. If she has a security object (blanket or stuffed animal), never take that away as punishment - anything that helps her feel more secure is something you want to encourage.
  
  
• Keep in mind that this kid has been through a lot. If she's been abused, she's learned by example that hitting and yelling are okay; she probably feels like she could be hurt again at any time (it's hard for a 3yo to fully grasp that she's safe now); she probably has a lot of confusion and pain and anger about what's been done to her. Parenting a 3yo isn't easy even in the best of circumstances, but parenting a kid who's dealing with all this is an extra challenge. You need all the support you can get, especially from professionals who are trained to help kids in these situations. Getting her mom some help for what she's been through will be super important as well, both for her own sake and for her daughter.
  
  
• Also remember to cut yourself some slack - you're doing the best you can, and even if every day isn't a good day, try to find something good in every day. Good luck, keep us posted on how things are going!