Reddit mentions of BDSM Heart Spanking Paddle in Exotic Zebrawood Fetish BDSM Sex Gear by The Kink Factory USA

I think the post is fake, but let's give it a go. Vegan is totally possible. Vegan, organic, gluten-free and Jainist? That sounds like BS.

• Sunny-side-up eggs - silken tofu flavored with kala nama salt topped with "No-Yolks" sauce
  
• Bangers - Quorn; look as though they taste like crap, but what do I know?
  
• Baked Beans - maple syrup, molasses, cumin and other spices for flavor
  
• Fried Tomatoes - easy enough
  
• Fried Bread - fried gluten-free bread - easy!
  
• Fried mushrooms - no problem
  
• Bacon - rice paper and flavorings; blechh! but whatever
  
• Black Pudding - this is a bit trickier:
  
• Take 4 large beets
  
• Hang them upside-down from the saucepan rack in your kitchen
  
• Wrap them in thick dishcloths to hide the screams
  
• Slit the throats of the beets, draining their rich, red juices into a large, preferably antique, bamboo rice bucket
  
• Add chopped onions, flax meal, crisco, steamed barley, minced tempeh, liquid smoke, oats and chickpea flour
  
• Stir with a large, heart-shaped zebrawood stirring paddle, for like 2 days
  
• Stuff resulting gloop into vegan sausage casings
  
• Steam the puddings for two hours
  
• Slice and fry
  
  Yeah, I reckon a vegan English breakfast would take only about 4 hours to prepare, so the helper will need to get to work by 1am.