Reddit mentions of Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

Honey, your husband might very well be a Narcissist in his own right.

Let's take it step by step in this, because he fucked up by the numbers:

First of all, it is NORMAL to celebrate wedding anniversaries. Even if someone has to work, loving couples will raincheck the celebration. Anniversaries are MILESTONES. They are also a chance to look back, recommit, reaffirm the love and the relationship. Remember how the vows say love and cherish? This is not loving, or cherishing. This is DISRESPECTFUL of you as a human being, and of the Marriage itself.

SO, he chose a work shift over you anniversary. EVEN if money is tight to the point of foodstamps, there are 365 days in a year, and he could have picked up extra shifts on any of them. He could drive Uber. He could sell blood... what I'm saying is, he chose not to make this a priority. And that hurt your feelings. Guess what? Those were a legitimate emotional response. YOU GET TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. I'm an objective stranger on the internet, and I'm gonna tell ya - he was HURTFUL. You were HURT.

You had every right to cry and have at him over this. But you didn't... you shut yourself up and shut yourself down and dealt with your emotional processing privately by some self care. Then, without HIM having to deal with even one molecule of actual negativity from you, over his asshole choice, you texted him back, accepting the shit he was pulling.

And he adds to the injury by STATING he doesn't care. Honey, have you heard of the manipulation tactic of instigate-and-feign-ignorance? Because he just pulled it. THIS was what really outed him as having ZERO EMPATHY.

And I get your side:
>I know. And I don't want to do it if you don't want to. It would only be fun to celebrate if we both really wanted it.

Yeah, because when he doesn't want to do something, he makes sure he sucks all the joy out of it, finds ways to shit on it and spoil it for you, doens't he? This ain't yru first rodeo, dealing with this bullshit. You're already becoming numb and frozen, that "learned hopelessness" response. You know "what he'll be like" if you try to get your needs met. Will he pull the suffering martyr routine? The begrudging bratty pout? The "you promised me a great time and this sucks" attitude? ( You do all the work of planning, get excited, and then he pops your bubble of joy as a punishment while the Thing is happening, so by the time you get home all the work you put into the Thing was so not worth it after all... lesson learned, you've been trained, you'll hesitate before trying that again.)

He then used the manipulation technique of PROJECTION to turn it around and call YOU "passive aggressive" - up, you were not passive aggressive, or any kind of aggressive, at all. You had feelings, You are human. You were disappointed because the situation is hurtful and disappointing and he chose that instead of honoring you like he promised to on the wedding day.

>I was really irritated and typed: "Actually I don't. I got upset but now I am calm again."

>And he got really angry and said he wasn't buying into my bullshit, I was guilt tripping him by making him feel like he wouldn't give a crap about me and the relationship.

However, his angry reaction, that you are genuinely confused by? This is yet a fresh, new form of covert manipulation that Narcissists use. Anger. Directed at you. For daring to show the slightest expression of PERSONHOOD. Like you are only allowed to exist in a way he is pleased by, that he decides yoru thoughts, feelings, and your right to express them... or he gets angry. How dare his toy not smile and tell him how great he is?

Honey, this is NOT about the ACTUAL ANNIVERSARY. It is aobut a power imbalance in your relationship. It is about your partner not fulfilling your very reasonable, very normal emotional needs - and telling you he has no desire to ever do that, that he doesn't care, and that if you express any dissatisfaction about this status quo, he will verbally and emotionally blackmail you. This is not a nurturing, healthy, relationship. You have a right in your marriage to get your own needs met, to expect reciprocity, to be able to speak your truth and have it understood and validated.

Two Books:

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare

and

Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having flashbacks, that sounds like an incredibly intense experience. And I'm sorry to hear that reaching out and asking for support backfired. If that had happened to me at your age, I just would have never talked to the counselor again. Where I'm at now, I'd probably go back and clarify that my mother was abusive, if I thought that the counselor would "get it." (There's plenty of shitty therapists in the world, same as in any profession, and unfortunately, you're stuck with whoever the school hired.)

A year in an abusive household can be an eternity. I remember being 17. But I did get out. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always, always been worth it. And my life has been pretty amazing since then. I've gotten to go places and do things that I never thought I'd be able to. I've met and connected with people who also have their own unique backgrounds, and their own fire for life.

I don't know how much your mom monitors your phone, but if she doesn't check the phone numbers on the phone bill (Mine did - she had zero hobbies) or if you have access to a burner phone, you might consider calling a hotline for support in the future. Unlike your school counsellor, the hotline people won't talk to your mom.

If you haven't read Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare I highly recommend it. It might be helpful for dealing with her while you still live at home. (Kindle or maybe don't bring it into the house, though.)

Is there some "safe" activity that your Nmom can't really say no to that would get you out from under her supervision more? Volunteering? Doing some boring task for her? (Even if you aren't supervised, ten bucks says that she'll be tempted to take you up on it on account of laziness.)

It will get better. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep the faith!

your sis seem very "flying monkey" right now. Grab a really good book/ use google on N and educate yourself and your family (spouse). When you do have to face, practice observe and not absorb
https://youtu.be/Io15t9V5bXc

I like this book (in no way endorsement, google is best free option IMHO),
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying/dp/152370246X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482654502&sr=8-1&keywords=Becoming+the+Narcissist%E2%80%99s+Nightmare%3A+How+to+Devalue+and+Discard+the+Narcissist+While+Supplying+Yourself

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself is very good.

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying/dp/152370246X/