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Reddit mentions of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships

Sentiment score: 9
Reddit mentions: 22

We found 22 Reddit mentions of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. Here are the top ones.

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships
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  • North Atlantic Books
Specs:
ColorBrown
Height8.95 Inches
Length5.99 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateJune 2009
Weight1.42418621252 Pounds
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Found 22 comments on Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships:

u/RedDyeNumber4 · 45 pointsr/science

This seemed ridiculous, so I checked their psychology today link, which is actually a daily mail link.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2051902/Men-use-internet-porn-likely-hopeless-bedroom.html?ITO=1490

So I looked up the article.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem

Which is part of a series called "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow

Which stems from a book by the same name.

http://www.amazon.ca/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

Which it turns out, espouses the idea that orgasms kill relationships, among others that seem equally far fetched.

> "Making love is like inflating a balloon. Having an orgasm is like popping the balloon. In contrast, if you finish without an orgasm, you are like a balloon that takes several days to gradually deflate, leaving you much longer to enjoy the inflated feeling.—Rob"

http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow_chapter_1

tl;dr: I'm going to disregard this as pseudo-science bullshit.

u/jbrs_ · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Hi, I made a guide that covers why this happens.

From my guide:

> 2. Following on this line of thinking, porn, by reinforcing certain desires, makes you want things you otherwise wouldn't want, or would want much, much less; and it does so at the expense of other aspects to sexuality. Part of this is because the excitement of porn is primarily about novelty-- think about why you need to keep finding new videos of different acts with different women. This drive for novelty causes you to watch things that you otherwise wouldn’t be attracted to, which subsequently become ‘wired’ into your ‘sexuality’. Many people find that they become attracted to violent, gay, or child porn and it takes an enormous toll on their lives; and after abstaining from pornography, many find that these fetishes lose significant power, or disappear entirely. Another component of this phenomenon is that because porn cannot provide intimacy and does not stimulate appreciation for anything but a sex-object conception of a woman, it changes your perspective to value superficial, novel things more. And because you are not reinforcing other desires surrounding sexuality, you gradually lose your ability to have a more balanced appreciation of sex and women. That's why sex becomes less fulfilling, and eventually guys would rather jerk it to porn than have sex with their partners.

===

This point is also relevant, though not as significant as the first:

> 1. When you watch porn, you are reinforcing the desires it appeals to. Because of this, watching porn makes you crave porn more. A simple argument is that if you do not need it in your life, why create the desire for it? It is for many a colossal waste of time. The idea is that it would be better to spend your time and energy on things that ‘grow’ your life, rather than on dead-end, fleeting pleasures. A question this raises is whether porn adds anything to your life except a temporary respite from this craving (only to be followed by a strengthened craving). I find that having not watched porn for many years, it does not have nearly the same appeal to me, so it does not appear to me that it does add anything to my life. When you finish to a porn video, don't your feelings immediately switch from excitement to disgust-- like, 'why am I watching this?' ? This suggests to me that the momentary pleasure of pornography is artificially created and sustained by the habit itself.

===

I am making a post covering Marnia Robinson's Cupid's Poisoned Arrow which I will send to you when completed and is also something you should read.

===

I'm sorry for the effect that this has had on you and your relationship, and I am sure that underneath his rationalizations he is sorry too. Good luck with everything.


edit: /u/sluttymustache, here is a link to my post about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow:

https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/5q8c4z/draft_is_getting_too_much_of_what_we_want/

u/YahwehTheDevil · 5 pointsr/NoFap

Marnia Robinson advocates for karezza, which is affectionate sex without orgasm, and there seems to be some science behind it:

>It seems like a "no-brainer" that more orgasms and more intense orgasms will satisfy more. However, the "I'm done!" feeling after orgasm delivers a powerful subconscious signal to the limbic brain, which can create restlessness down the road

>A series of studies showed that orgasm in humans induces pronounced and long-lasting secretion of peripheral PRL [prolactin] with significantly higher levels of PRL in females... The magnitude of the PRL increase following intercourse was 400% greater than following masturbation, which may indicate the biological significance of cervicovaginal stimulation and/or physical contact with a partner....The inhibitory effects of PRL on sexual appetence in humans are well known....and [deserve] further investigation

I recently bought and read her book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow on the subject. Although it has several references to new-age woo, which put a bad taste in my mouth, the overall message is quite comforting at explaining why we feel down after sex. I often get the "I need to get away right now" feel after cumming, and I'm happy to know both that this is completely normal and that we can do things to eliminate those feelings and pursue healthy long-term relationships.

u/[deleted] · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson.

This book argues that we have two biological programs, bonding and mating, and that bonding leads to stable relationships while mating pushes us to always look out for novel and better partners. According to Marnia, the biological trigger that causes us to look for new partners is sexual satiety, so the more passionate and orgasmic sex we have with a partner, the more likely we'll get to a point where we feel fed-up and want somebody new.

Marnia's solution to this problem is karezza, bonding-based sex without orgasm.

Pros of this book:

  • The observation that orgasm causes division rings true with a lot of people who have carefully observed their emotions after orgasm, so there may be something to her viewpoint.

  • If her viewpoint is correct, then karezza is likely the only approach to long-term relationships that is largely effort-less. If long-term relationships are inherently instable (a lot of evidence speaks for that), and if orgasm causes this instability (some evidence speaks for that), then removing the cause of the instability is the easiest fix for the problem. Any other approach is more difficult because it constantly has to work against the cause of the instability.

    Cons of this book:

  • Frankly, the book is not that well written. She could have used a copy-editor. In particular, it is too wordy and doesn't always get to the point.

  • Her proposed solution, orgasm without sex, will be too alien for most people to even give this a serious try.

  • Most of the material in the book is available online, at reuniting.info and on her blog. The only piece of the book that can't be gotten elsewhere is the "ecstatic exchanges", a three-week program to test-drive bonding-based sex.
u/Deseejay · 3 pointsr/karezza

I was on the combination of venlafaxine XR and bupropion XL for a long time so I think I can relate. My sex drive was killed a few years earlier with a combination of fluoxetine and aripriprazole. One of the main reasons I had switched medications was that I thought my sex drive would return but alas, no luck. Before any AD's I had a very high sex drive. Now I enjoy sex but I don't seek it. I also experience increased difficulty getting off and I have an extreme orgasm hangover. Karezza has been a much more whole experience. As someone with chronic depression, I often feel a hole in myself, as if I'm incomplete. Karezza fills this hole and makes me feel more connected, more at ease with life, more loving.

I would highly highly recommend starting the bonding behavior schedule indicated in this book. Increased bonding behaviors and karezza even out the dopamine spikes and crashes that make depression so chaotic.

u/stopped_orgasming · 3 pointsr/NoFap

As you've noticed an hour of intense arousal is a lot. But it is nothing compared to orgasm and you don't need weeks of recovery, far from it - you'll be right back in no time. You might want to read this book and start replacing your dopamine habits with oxytocin habits.

u/vacuu · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

Mating/fucking is an inherently selfish behavior. Both parties are playing the game and trying to get their own genes propagated into the future with the highest probability of success as possible.

Bonding though, as most commonly seen between parents and children, is a different behavior. It is designed to help the other person unselfishly.

A relationship between a man and woman is a combination of these two things: mating and bonding. Two behavior programs built into our brains. After a period of time, the mating program breaks the relationship, because staying with only one person is a genetic disadvantage. So mating always breaks bonding, over time.

There is a book on this subject here or here which describes these things. If you are motivated, you can learn more.

u/fitzgerald1337 · 2 pointsr/pornfree

Gary Wilson and Marnia Robinson are husband and wife.

For the record, I think OP's account of reuniting.info is very misguided and unreasonably harsh. I think the printed book version of her thoughts (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow) is very interesting, and my journey with seeking to remove porn from my life has evolved into a very in-depth exploration of Karezza and healing-based sex that has innocently included reading the book. I don't in any way feel as though Karezza is a cult, nor do I feel as though I've been coerced in any way. It's just a different way of looking at things—why someone would find things like this so inflammatory is more interesting to observe than it is scathing to Marnia's and Gary's reputation in my opinion.

u/spartandudehsld · 2 pointsr/pornfree

Plan ahead for what you will do in every free minute. First make your computer/phone your ally, plan activities that don't revolve around people watching/drinking, get a book, etc. If you two are off of sex for a bit anyway you may consider karezza. A good (if tedious) book on that is Cupid's Poisoned Arrow it has an excellent set of bonding behaviors that would bring the two of you closer without orgasm being the target, and you can call your girl to talk when you're away. I am out of town every month and these are the tools I use.

u/lurkthrw · 2 pointsr/SeriousConversation

Sex being center of our life is ruining everything. Well, we are not first humans on Earth and this is not a way to live a good life, it was discovered through ages again and again. http://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

u/Nofap_12 · 2 pointsr/NoFap

Yes. It is typically referred to as Karezza and it can be read about in the eye-opening book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships" by Marnia Robinson. I'm on the last chapter now and although I don't plan on doing everything described in the book its good to understand how orgasms can affect the brain in various ways that we don't fully understand yet.

u/hitmantaaz · 1 pointr/pornfree

I encourage you both to read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

For you: you'll learn that he isn't entirely himself now. Don't take it personally, he may be madly in love with you, that's just his body craving for dopamine like any other addict. Don't try and please him to climax, it will just be counterproductive. Ejaculation has a cool-down phase of around 2 weeks which affects mood, reasoning etc.

For him: he'll learn that he isn't entirely himself now. There is a bright side to it: he can now discover a whole world about relationships and love.

You are an awesome human being by supporting him like this. Keep grinding but don't lose yourself.

Be happy 🙏

u/biblesjedi_mindtrick · 1 pointr/PurplePillDebate

> sexual dynamics as a whole

Can you clarify what is meant here?

>her stuff doesn't seem to be all that focused on sexual dynamics as a whole, but rather the specific dynamics in a BDSM setting.

Confining discussion to only broad influences would throw out a lot. I don't have a sexual bible or anything, just what I've learned in practice.

The OP's question was about what I read which influenced my ideas of sexual dynamics. I didn't reply with everything that could do that, including movies & other broader reading. I can't even remember all that influenced me. Instead I replied with "interesting stuff I remember because I read it recently".

Something more broader would be Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. But I don't agree with all of it, particularly the Helen Fisher stuff which overstates a desire to cheat. I'm not saying attraction for other people doesn't exist, just that it gets overstated. For lots of people, the idea of cheating doesn't come up much, if at all.

u/Marton_Csikosfalvi · 1 pointr/NoFap

I don't know how much do you like books or like reading but I can recommend you the book called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow if you haven't read it yet.
(https://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095)
I started this whole fight 2 months ago and I didn't get further than 4 days. After I started reading this book I realized that for me this whole nofap thing is much easier and now if I don't relapse for 5 hour I will be on 5 day streak ( wish me luck :D )

u/freshrpince · 1 pointr/NoFap

Snarf55555 suggested karezza in another thread which made me very curious about this topic. I found this introductory article about it and told my girlfriend. She was very interested and now we ordered Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to read it together.

Since I started nofap we didn't have intercourse together but cuddled a lot and karezza is more or less the next step into that direction. Now I can really enjoy being close with her because I don't have to worry about my orgasm which usually ended our closeness because she wouldn't want to continue then. Maybe this could also help your girlfriend with her pain.

I say give it a try and maybe it's something for you.

u/clickyclacky · 1 pointr/NoFap

http://yourbrainonporn.com/lovers-ultimate-sex-hack-karezza Also, this book has the science behind the idea, which has cropped up in many cultures over thousands of years in various forms. Nothing "new" about it. http://www.amazon.com/dp/1556438095/ref=as_li_tf_til?tag=rehewisere-20

u/dota2nub · 1 pointr/NoFap

http://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095 I read this. Changed my life. Recommend it most highly :)

u/zoomoo · 1 pointr/IAmA

You know it's also very possible to have a sexual life without ejaculating? This has been a thing in eastern mystical traditions (tantra/daoist), but there is also a western version which is much more easier to approach for a general person. It's called karezza. The basics of it are explained in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Karezza-Method-William-Lloyd/dp/1437527353/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1332914791&sr=8-2

but actually I would recommend more this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332914821&sr=1-1

It's a modern book with a lot of discussion about what happens in the brain chemistry when we have an orgasm, and how it often plays in the relatioship dynamic and it also has a method for practicing karezza in a relationship. I really recommend you check this book out.

u/changemanagement · 1 pointr/sex

This method has a fan base in another internet community I frequent, and this book has been recommended there.

u/PretoriaInMyHart · 1 pointr/karezza

Monk mode? You'll need a partner to practice karezza. Anyway check out: https://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

u/Wachamacalit · 1 pointr/NoFap

I received a recommendation stating that my wife and I should read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

I assume that this is a helpful read. Are there any other books that I should read?