Reddit mentions of Dance of Anger, The: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships

Sounds like you all have some communication issues. I had some similar issues with my first pregnancy and a therapist recommended the book dance of anger which I really liked and found really, really helpful.

Basically, you alone are responsible for your happiness and you cannot force your husband to change, especially through talking....or nagging. Instead, change your reaction. It will give you power and help break you out of the victim mindset. What you're doing is not only not working, it's probably making things worse so the answer is to change the way you respond to his actions.

I also have a tendency to take passive aggressive comments really personally. Individual therapy helped me a ton and eventually (because my response to them changed) they stopped almost altogether. If you can afford it, I'd also recommend a few therapy sessions just for you so you can discuss strategies and sort out your feelings. Basically the therapist was like 'why do you care?' Over and over. Emphasizing that if I felt good about how things were being handled that was more than enough. The implied message to my husband was that passive comments don't change my behavior because idgaf. If he has a problem he can sit me down with me and discuss it like a reasonable adult.

Sorry to be the jerk here, but I really think you are allowing things to be happening that you just shouldn't allow.

They expect you to make dinner? What happens if you don't? If they're having solo fun time, why don't you and baby go do something fun and then you can all order pizza later. Who cares if they're annoyed - did it make you happy? Do it.

If you think getting back to work will make you happy, do it. Being a family - a team- doesn't mean one person gets to do all the fun stuff and the other gets to clean the floors and make dinner. Yes, your husband might be annoyed or against it, but so what? Is his annoyance really so much worse than your perpetual unhappiness?

He's treating you like a child because you allow him to treat you like a child. Don't. You are going to build bitterness and contempt into your relationship if you keep letting this happen to you. Take responsibility for your own happiness or misery. Talking to him hasn't made him see the light, so take the next step. Go do the things you want to do. If he wants to go, great. If not - see ya!

I highly recommend this book as a way to break the old patterns and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. A therapist recommended it to me, and it was hugely helpful in managing my expectations, relationship. It's your job to take care of you (and your baby)

Also, just an extra kick in the pants to stop this madness. Do you really want your child to see a mother who is miserable and bossed around by her husband? What your husband is doing makes you a doormat, is that really the example you'd like to be setting for the kid?

edited to add: There are a lot of mommy martyrs on here and as a former one it really burns me. It's such a tempting trap - 'I have to stay home, I have to do the laundry, I have to do it all' It turns out you don't and life gets much better when you realize that. I am in no way advocating ending your relationship, just changing the nature of your behavior/reactions. You will never change his behavior, so stop trying. He's the man you've got, so build a life for yourself that you are happy with and don't worry about it. He will adjust.

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

• Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.
  
  Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
  
  
• Thorough and practical!
  
  The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
  
  
• The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.
  
  The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
  
  
• There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.
  
  
  Other good books:
  
  The Dance of Anger
  
  
• If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".
  
  Kid Confidence
  
  
• For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.

>he screams at me and sometimes gets physically aggressive

That’s a red flag that I’m pretty sure everyone else is going to mention to you. It’s concerning and you need to think long and hard about that means, whether it’s fixable and whether he’s worth it to trust that he can.

I’ve recommend the book Dance of Anger, The: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships so many times, but it was really life changing for me and my family.

Basically, your happiness is your responsibility. When you take action to do what needs to be done for you to be happy — not asking husband to do it, actually doing it — then he may begin to change his patterns, or not, and you can decide what you want your life to look like.

An easy way to start would be to start living like you are divorced without ever saying anything to him. So, his priorities do not matter. What do you need to do to get your house in order and make yourself happy if you don’t worry about your husband at all?

In my house several things happened. Husband makes good money so we can afford some help even though he complained about it. I gave him a choice - either you provide the help or I’ll hire it out. He wasn’t pissed, but (with therapists support) I decided not to care. I hired someone to do the deep cleaning and the laundry. When/if he decides to help more then we’ll stop paying for that.

Also, he likes the kitchen to be clean. As long as it’s not filthy it doesn’t really bother me. So, I wash off the dishes and put away food but I don’t have an immaculate kitchen most of the time. If it bothers him he can clean it up.

It sounds like you may have to enlist the moms to help with this and tell them that you’re trying to get him to pull his weight so please don’t pick up his slack.

> how can i figure out how to verbalize what i want or need when i’m angry?

Do it before you get angry. It sounds easy of course. But that's the solution. Practicing positive assertiveness is extremely difficult for those of us trying to figure out our anger. But its' the closest thing there is to a magic cure. Memorize a phrase like "When you say/do , it makes me feel ." Use it as often as you can every day for the next two weeks and it will start to become not only your vocabulary but also your mindset for working through difficult things with others, especially those close and important to you. Consider watching the video half way don this page that explains active listening. That's the skill. First listen completely, without cutting them off. Then, as equally important, share your feelings.

The second half to this magic cure is to recognize when you're starting to get worked up. Not even angry, just frustrated, irritated, agitated. And as soon as you notice it, go for a walk. Don't continue talking. Don't continue mulling, brooding, thinking the same things over and over. Get out of the room and go for a walk. 2 minutes or 2 hours, doesn't matter. No phone, no music, hands free. This gives us time to let the emotions cool off and our rational mind to come back.

Emotional intelligence. You said it! My parents fought all the time.
Never physical. But every day, yelling and emotional manipulation. So for a long time and even today I have all kinds of boundary issues I'm still working on. Consider reading The Dance of Anger to help with the anger itself. She has other books too. And Getting Together and Staying Together to help with better communication. He is a therapist who originated Choice Theory/Therapy. Wish you two the best. Hang in there!

Oh, yup, I think you’re right. My mistake. Still, the conversion rate wouldn’t give you that info.

Broader point: there is certain data that Tesla historically hasn’t disclosed, and isn’t required to disclose. For example, Tesla doesn’t disclose its weekly production rate on a weekly basis, it just gives quarterly updates. Similarly, it will give quarterly updates on Model 3 deliveries, and on automotive revenue and gross margin, which provides all the info about the current mix of sales.

There is also lots of public, independent survey data that indicates what options and configurations Model 3 reservation holders want, and the likely ASP of Model 3s sold to this group. This data is readily available to analysts.

It seems to be like a poor use of time to ask for the conversion rate which, 1) by itself doesn’t say anything useful, 2) Tesla is well within its rights to simply decline to disclose, and 3) is only interesting insofar as it relates to questions about demand and ASP, which can be answered by public data available elsewhere.

I don’t think it is a good argument to say that Elon was dodging a tough question, or refusing to disclose vital financial information. That just doesn’t fit the facts here. The question wasn’t tough and the information wasn’t vital, or even useful. If you think analysts always ask good questions, refer to the Q4 2017 earnings call when an analyst asked if the Tesla Semi would use supercapacitors rather than batteries. That question comes from a lack of basic research. It’s just disrespectful at that point. Not every question asked is reasonable.

I think Musk probably was just genuinely frustrated at being asked questions that didn’t bear materially on Tesla’s long-term financial performance, on being asked the same questions repeatedly, or being asked for information that Tesla doesn’t disclose. When you’re wasting the time of a company’s CEO, CFO, and CTO with repeated or unreasonable questions — and wasting the time of the thousands of people listening — it’s understandable that the CEO would get frustrated. Normally, they would probably grin and bear it. In this case, Elon didn’t, and whether that’s a good thing is up for debate.

On one hand, I believe in always being kind, and on the other hand, I don’t believe in repressing anger when faced with a genuine affront. A lot of the social rules we have about professionalism and social decorum exist sheerly out of tradition or convention, and not necessarily because they reflect the truth about human emotion or how communication best occurs.

In early 21st century North America we have a complicated taboo about showing anger — who is allowed to show it, when, and why. This is a subtle topic. A good book on the subject is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I used to think that anger is never helpful and should always be repressed, but my thinking has really been turned around on that one.

I mean things that allow her to hit her lowest point Something that helps her wake up to the fact that her actions have serious consequences to herself and the people she loves. Usually that means some form of tough love. Take a look at the link for specific examples.

With her background, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot of really heavy stuff. Has she seen a therapist to help her work through all of her emotions?

I'd also recommend this book about mother/daughter relationships

I'm obviously getting to this quite late, but had it bookmarked for a while to check out. :)

I agree with the points you made here, OP, and I think it's so important to consider these factors and influences before we judge the women. Because of how we are socialized, I am someone who has been guilty of judging Hannah B way more than I have judged Caelynn. Caelynn's way of coping has been more similar to mine and is definitely the more "socially appropriate way" even in how she didn't bring it up until she was forced to address it because Hannah B brought it up. Add to this that Caelynn is more contained and more eloquent, and I naturally sided with her in the beginning. Reading your very insightful and well-written post made me call myself out on what I've been doing recently when I watch scenes with their feud. Hannah's reactions have made me uncomfortable, but I completely agree that their (often edited!) behavior shouldn't make us believe one over the other.

I highly recommend this book if you haven't read it yet- I think it's right up your alley! https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1476654196&sr=1-1&keywords=the+dance+of+anger

Excellent idea! Here are some resources that have been especially useful to me.

Books

Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion

Practically Shameless: How Shadow Work Helped Me Find My Voice, My Path, and My Inner Gold

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Experiential Programs
These two programs are similar in scope. They provide a supportive, accepting environment to help heal old wounds, break out of patterns that no longer serve you and find empowerment. I have both taken and staffed the Woman Within training weekend and so can personally recommend it as a valuable resource for ACONs.

Woman Within International

*The ManKind Project