Reddit mentions of Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.

You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.