Reddit mentions of If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path

Ahahahahahahahahahah wow I failed, was doing shopping - like my weird style? :D

http://www.amazon.com/If-Buddha-Dated-Handbook-Spiritual/dp/0140195831/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371043489&sr=8-1&keywords=if+buddha+dated

Since you're familiar with and open to buddhist texts, I really, really liked this straightforward little book, too.

If the Buddha Dated

EDIT: While the title mentions Buddha, it isn't actually a buddhist text. But it's still a great book. Practical and thoughtful advice.

> I want to have someone and just KNOW that they will always be there for me.

I found some clarity for this desire in examining my relationships with my few best friends. I found that they're the ones that will come at 3 A.M. if I need them to, and ask the right questions, and I know they're my best friends for this reason and because of our overall relationship dynamics. The thing I noticed that differentiated my relationship with these people and that with my best friend SO was that of expectation. I had an expectation that my SO would fulfill these needs (even though I knew that she probably wouldn't always be able to, because of her own issues), while I didn't have an expectation of my best friends. I knew they would support me, I didn't have to hope or expect they would. That expectation tends to lead to disappointment in a lot of types of relationships. People expect a person to behave in a way consistent with what they knew about a person, in the past, but forget that people are always changing, and that they need to be vigilantly observing the present, not expecting the past and future to be the same.

> I know that person is.. me. I'll always be there for myself. But somehow I can't give myself enough love and validation and I need to seek it from someone else.

So the question you should be pondering here is why? How's your relationship with your dad? (Family Guy reference, but it's actually completely valid) And your mom? There could be a lot of reasons that you're feeling inadequate and look elsewhere for fulfillment. That's the sort of understanding a counselor is perfect for guiding you through.

> I want to feel passionately about something that's not someone. I like sports. I like science. I like helping people. I love helping people. I like beautiful things. I like romance. All these things I like and do are so general, though.

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can find a new one that fits in your present schedule. It could be as simple as walking to the park a few times a week and sitting and meditating in the flowers. And I don't mean zen buddhist meditating, I mean whatever you need to do in your head at the time. Or quiet sitting. Maybe you can volunteer at a local shelter (pet shelter, human shelter?) and get some dog time and some helping others time. I don't know if your area has a botanical garden or good art museum, but those are the sorts of places I like to find beauty. I'm travelling now, and a surprising number of places have really gorgeous botanical gardens. And I just love seeing what other people think and create through art. General isn't bad. I can say I like programming, or I can say I like impeccably designed and thought out back ends that show useful content on a simple and pleasing front end (that I designed), because I like the nuance of doing things properly, the challenge, and the visual result that a good GUI (web page, program) presents. You like science. Maybe there's a local hackerspace you can go to to play around with things, make stuff, and do science with people.

> I can't have one because I'm a student living in an apartment with a no pet policy.

Most of the places I lived had a no pet policy as well, but I kept a cat for four years, including in the dorm at college. Small dogs and cats are easy to hide, as long as you're good about discipline and don't let them tear things up, or are able to fix/replace them when they do. But the volunteering at a shelter thing is probably better.

>Please make the days go by faster.

Finding that hobby or just exploring new things can help a lot with that.

I mentioned books above. Let's see if the internet works so I can find links to the couple I found a lot of help in. Awareness by Anthony DeMello is one that I recommend to people over and over. My best friend gave it to me during my hard times, and it totally changed how I was looking at .. not everything, but a whole lot of things. I gave it back and bought 2 copies so I'd always have one to give away and not expect back. He speaks a lot on self awareness, expectation, and what makes life work well, and harder. It's been a while since I read it or I'd give a better application idea.

The other I picked up as part of a set on recommendation of someone on reddit: If the Buddha Dated. The title's a bit.. odd, which I think is part of why it seemed interesting. I like a lot of Buddhist philosophy (and others.. eastern and western). The author is a quaker.. buddhist.. something. She explains well some of the self views and other views that lead to good relationships, getting relationships, etc. It's another one to change how you're looking at things and in that new viewpoint, look at where you've been going wrong, and hopefully fix things up. It's all about self awareness, and once you have that, you can do things that involve other-awareness even better.

> >I wrote a long thing here that I don't think would have helped.

> I wish you kept it here.

Let's see if I can remember it.

>my lengthy relationship ended.. Fuck I don't even know.. cat's 4.. or is she 5? add a year or so.. subtract 2 and a half.. Let's say the relationship ended about 3 years ago. I was in the middle of graduate school work, had no time, and still saw her almost daily for another year.

During that time, I reestablished relationships with my friends (I really only have a few close friends at a time). As part of dealing with things and figuring them out, I went out with my best friend to our favorite bar to talk and have a beer, almost every night (5+ nights a week). Ordinarily, it's bad to mix alcohol and depression. I think it was okay in this circumstance, because it was just a beer or two, time with my friend, socializing (which I didn't really do much of otherwise), figuring stuff out. Moderation. Also, the bar has 200-250 beers on tap, so it was a new beer every time. He went on internship, so I didn't see him for a while, and I ended up making good friends with my new upstairs neighbors (I lived alone with a cat in an apartment at this point--I moved in with another friend later). The contact with friends helped alleviate things a great deal, and gave me something to do out of the house (graduate work involved a little school and a lot of time alone).

The girl stopped talking to me (I'm not sure exactly why still, since she won't tell me), and then flipped the fuck out every time she saw me in a public place from then on. So eventually, the pain and anger changed to a bit of pity and amusement. It's just a little funny seeing someone have a serious hissy fit just from seeing you in the back corner of the bar you go to all the time, or at chipotle. Though she did vandalize my car, twice. That was a little annoying. One time was just water/ice down the windshield (below freezing, it froze on, obnoxious, but not harmful). The other I went to school to hang out with the (not a fraternity, but similar social group, few girls, computer people frat sorta) group I was a part of, and where I knew some friends. Also to meet the freshmen, I think. Her group (similar thing, photo people) was up the stairs one floor from mine. And who should I see but her, in one of the longer-staying members' rooms. I was helping someone move things up from the parking lot, so I passed them off, and stood outside the room to the side and looked the other way for a couple minutes. She was gone when I looked back, as I expected. But, I could hear her through the vents in the elevator lobby freaking out to the people upstairs "Why was he here? blah blah blah." Uh.. you're on my floor. Oh well. When I went outside, there was citronella oil poured down the back rear side panel of my car. Not damaging in particular on its own, but it doesn't really wash off easily (and I didn't really wash it), and the dirt + oil get down in the paint and don't come off.

Anyway, still funny. Annoying, etc. That's more than I wrote the first time, and it's a little different. I thought it was too depressive the first time. Dunno. Stuff changes, it gets funny. Just be glad if you don't have to see him every day. That makes things a whole lot more complicated.

> I really appreciate how lengthy this response was.

I wish the comment box was a little bigger so I could see more of what I'd written at a time. Works okay with RES though. Also welcome.

edit Oh hey, the edit box is way big--comment sized! Had to add in the beer justification bit about so many flavors. Forgot the first time, remembered in the shower, forgot once out of the shower, just remembered again.