Reddit mentions of Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

In short, no, there is absolutely no shame in wanting medication.

ADHD must be managed with medication. ADHD affects all areas of life: school/work, romantic and social relationships, sleep, mood, cognitive ability...etc. It is a chronic impairment - similar to diabetes, for example, in regards to being chronic (life long).

ADHD is not a gift (as some people like to make it out to be). It is a real and serious disorder. Adults with ADHD need to educate themselves about the disorder on what works and doesn't work - diet and exercise does not fix or cure ADHD.

What does work? MEDICATION. Why? Because this is a neurobiological disorder.

ADHD is the most treatable/manageable disorder in psychiatry. So there is no shame in asking for the proper treatment.

That being said - it will still be important for you to develop certain behaviors to help the medications help you, and for you to help yourself. You have to be disciplined. You have to find ways to motivate yourself. Some of the best ways to do that are with calendars, notes, to-do lists, keeping a planner, using apps on your phone and so forth.

And lastly, it is very common for people with ADHD to have comorbid diseases. The most common being anxiety and dysthymia (chronic mild depression). So if these (or other) comorbidities exist, treating them as well is imperative to your overall success.

EDIT: A book for you and your wife to read together, titled Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?

Required reading: Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D?
Seriously. It will help you feel better and if he sees you making an effort he will be more likely to do so as well.

Take some time to understand why he thinks and feels the way he does. One of the hardest thing for partners is understanding the disconnect between intention and action--after understanding that it should be easier to figure out when he's just being an ass.

Also, let him take a break from the discussion. We're bored easily and we're impulsive enough that we may say something incredibly nasty when we're just trying to get out of the conversation (remember--future consequences don't connect for the ADHD brain, so escaping the conversation by any means necessary is an unsurprising reaction).

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to talk after taking a few to let tempers cool. I've done some nasty shit and after ten minutes of being by myself I realized what had just happened. We're better at taking breaks now to keep arguments constructive.

I eventually had to leave my ADHD drunk husband, but while in the relationship, this book, "Is It You, Me or ADD" really helped. Also, I read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"

The second book is one I would recommend to legit every person on this forum.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is usually highly recommended.

I also recommend Married to Distraction.

Good luck on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and he wasn't diagnosed until 7-8 months ago. This is definitely not one of those things where your marriage will make it because you love each other so much. You have to work, and I mean seriously work your ass off for it. At least, that's been my experience. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, either. And when it comes to your fiance getting organized and trying to get things together, it has to be his own system. You can't create a system of organization for him. It has to come from his own head. I tried several different ways to help my husband get organized, and not a single one of them worked.

And one important aspect is that he needs to realize how important it is to you for him to try to get organized and stay on track. This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but ADHD is no excuse for not putting effort into working on things and/or not getting things done. You can't always be the one who picks up the slack and does too much. It will drive you crazy, and I can attest to that. Be very careful of the parent/child dynamic, because that is incredibly destructive to a relationship. If you notice this happening, it's best to get some counseling and nip it in the bud.

Sorry if this sounds so depressing, but it's something I wish I had known before getting married. ADHD can be a serious impediment to a marriage, and it's definitely not something to take lightly. You're already doing great by wanting to do your research and prepare yourself for what's to come!

I can't help much because I'm also in a place where I don't know where to go from here with my adhd partner. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. There are lots of symptoms that don't bother me, but the "defensive and explosive anger at even the slightest perceived conflict" and "walking on eggshells" part is really getting to me, too. I'm personally in a place (without children) where I'm considering an ultimatum regarding him going to counseling because it really is exhausting dealing with regular emotional outbursts and I just don't think I have the tools to deal with it alone. I don't have the answers, I'm still hoping we get through it because, like you, I really do love my SO, but I do know there isn't anything selfish or wrong about feeling that way. Your feelings are completely valid.

If you're both already in counseling, I recommend making sure your counselor is well informed on ADHD and is aware that it's part of what's at play. If they don't know the full story, they can't help. I haven't gone to counseling myself (yet) but got that tip from Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? (I think? read too many things to know where I got what) which may also be a good read to consider if you're not yet ready to throw in the towel.

Your situation sounds tough even without dealing with a neurological disorder that causes amongst many relationship strife and high divorce rates. Everyone has baggage, it's just deciding for yourself if his baggage fits with yours and if you can learn and grow together for a better relationship and life. Good luck!

There totally will be books like this but it's a matter of finding the right word for it. Someone elsewhere in this thread suggested adult ADD and that sounds plausible. And when I google 'how to cope with adult ADD' I find a lot of resources. For example this or this specifically about it's impact on relationships. ADD might not be the correct description of your behavior, but if you can find a medical term that comes close to describing what you struggle with then you can access all kinds of resources.

Both of you should read this. I just finished it, and I think it does a good job relaying the different sides to each person. She identifies way more common relationship problems due to ADHD than you think are related. Just a good read overall.

Edit: There's an ebook link floating around the sub somewhere, but I can't find it. I can pull it from my laptop in the morning.

I easily could have wrote this about my relationship. It was amazing to read that someone else us going through the exact same thing I have been with my ADHD husband! It's still a work in progress for us but here's what's worked for us:

-marriage counseling: it took a while for my husband to even want a diagnosis and after 6 months, he still accepting it. He's still seeing how it effects me and our relationship and the counselor has really helped with that. When I have a problem that related to his ADHD (say being on his phone all the time) she walks him through how I feel when he's on his phone, walks me through why he seems addicted and helps us reach a compromise. Its also done wonders for getting him to accept his diagnosis and realize its not a flaw, its who he is.

-correct dosage: my husband is on adderall and started at the lowest dose. It definitely worked but there were still some problems with focus and motivation. Our counselor recommended changing his dose and getting an afternoon booster dose to slow the crash. His doctor agreed and its been a day and night change. With the lower dose he was helpful around the house but with the right dose, he will do things without being asked, he's emotionally supportive, and remembers what he says he will do.

-books: ADHD and the Marriage, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD, and More Attention, Less Deficit have been immensely helpful.

-talking about his diagnosis: for a while, my husband hid his diagnosis from everyone except his parents and mine. It was ok but I was still seen as the controlling, nagging wife because I reminded him a million times to do X while we were visiting family (change in routine is difficult and throws him off). Eventually, he opened up a little to his siblings and my family, so they sort of understood why I act naggy when we visit. They don't completely get it and still fall into the "snap out of it and focus" camp but it's helped.

-routine: get on it and stay on it. Right now, my husband is asleep next to me. I can tell you with incredible accuracy that he will wake up, take his adderall, let the dogs out, shower, feed the dogs, and get coffee before his sits on the couch and plans his day. Its the routine and that's how it will stay. I know with a kid its a lot more difficult to have an established routine but even just a morning one will work wonders. Make things easy until he can get his head on straight in the morning.

-automate everything: auto coffee pot, auto bill pay, etc. Eliminate tasks that need to be done so no one has to worry about it. If it can't be automated, make it as easy as possible. Recently, we switched to registering our cars for 5 years. That way no one has to think about it every year.

I completely understand what you're going through. It can be tough dealing with an ADHD spouse. PM me if you ever need support or to vent or anything.

I bought this book mostly for myself but as I read through it I realized several parts were describing my spouse, too! It could be helpful for both of you to read. There is an audio book format too if that works better for you.

If you are diagnosed with ADHD medication can help a lot of the issues you've mentioned. I hope your wife sticks by you through this. If you have ADHD getting treatment really helps!

Note the subject of this webinar is a brand new Dr. Barkley book that came out 5 months ago that I was not familiar was released. it is

Links to Amazon: When an Adult You Love Has ADHD: Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings Paperback – September 15, 2016

----

And before even talking about his own book (I am watching live) he recommends another book and I can also say it is very good ADHD book and it is

Links to Amazon: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008

There are lots of internet resources and some great books.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

https://www.verywellmind.com/marriage-and-adult-add-20411

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-distracted-couple/201407/adhd-and-relationships-the-other-partner

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

If she still cares, this may help: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0981548709/

If you want to understand your partner in a relationship and marriage, read Gina Pera's books, namely this one:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_F9NyybWDM71JE

I was recommended a book by my psych for this very topic

https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

My wife has always known that I had had depression. Even when we were dating. I forewarned her of what that could entail and she told me she would help in any way she could.

I am for the most part functioning though. I have a half decent job, am handy with things so keep the house going. So Im still contributing, Im just a total slob and get sidetracked easily, amongst the many other things that are discussed here daily lol

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

You might find this book valuable:
https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

If you have ADHD or even "adhd-like" tendencies then you will find it helpful.
It's going to be important that your partner holds you accountable in ways that are patient and understanding in order to avoid creating a shame/avoidance cycle.

NTA. I'm probably about six hours late to this game, but I desperately want to present an alternative response to the highly-rated "he's the worst and most selfish person ever and it's simply because he doesn't care enough" responses. To be honest, as disrespectful as being insanely late can be, chalking it up to someone you don't know being selfish and uncaring doesn't do anything to help, as good as that sense of righteousness can feel and as bad as being on the other end of that can be.

First off, he's lucky that he has a partner who sounds as understanding and willing to help as you are. Major credit there. I hope that you've been able to talk as a couple about why you felt you had to lie about the start time and that you care about him and want to help him with this.

^((Caveat here: not saying your boyfriend has ADHD, but time management is a very common skill folks with ADHD struggle with, and so I feel it's highly relevant all the same.))

In the ADHD world, we talk about executive function and incentive structures a lot––a common struggle has to do with how well does your brain naturally forms frameworks around your daily practices. Not having an accurate sense of time/chronic lateness is a huge indicator of larger struggles with these issues, particularly response inhibition. This is especially true about large, abstract projects with an unclear immediate reward. Compare:

"I am going to brunch and have to get ready before that." A great example of what a lack of framework can engender: there aren't clear tasks, nor a clear timeframe.

"I want to shower (15min), shave (10min) get dressed (10min) before leaving at 12:45pm. Because of this, I need to get out of bed at 12:10pm at the latest to make it out the door on time." Much more specific and incremental. Helping him break down his tasks and gently reminding him externally of what time it is could be a productive outlet as a partner. My boyfriend often needs to gently take YouTube out of my hands at 11pm in bed, and I appreciate the external structure there.

Before folks start saying how you're his girlfriend and not his mother, people simply find certain things more difficult than others. With the right support and external structures, you can help him develop new coping mechanisms so he can better help himself in the future. If you're interested in some further reading, I highly recommend Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?, which does a great job of presenting things like time management as a couple in a really productive and clear way, regardless of ADHD diagnosis. That said, shame is a helluva drug, and it goes hand-in-hand with pride––he may not be in a place to admit the issue or accept your help. His initial response sounds stressful for you and needing to reassure him that he can know all your passwords wouldn't be necessary. What certainly won't help here is more shame. I just hope for his sake and yours that he's ready to hear you and put in the hard work. Good luck!

Like others have said. It isn't his ADHD which is driving you away. He MAY not be on the right medication due to his continued abuse of drugs. Often when properly medicated the brain doesn't need to seek the stimulation in drugs/alcohol.

I suggest you read the book Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD by Gina Pera. She also has a blog adhdrollercoaster.org.

Here are some past threads on ADHD relationships which you also might find some advice.

• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/16kzfg/what_should_i_know_to_date_a_guy_with_adhd/
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/15t3yf/does_anyone_else_find_adhd_has_effected/
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17itl1/living_with_my_addadhd_boyfriend_is_killing_me/
  
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1csekm/frustrated_spouse_of_an_adhder_and_really_needing/
  
  If you find he is using ADHD as an excuse not to change, that is not acceptable. People with ADHD can change their habits it just takes a lot of work (and support). It also takes longer than others. But both partners will have to make an effort. Sadly, leaving him might be the best decision for making you and your child happy and safe. But I hope it does work out for you!
  
  

It would probably more helpful for her to be asking the questions if she's willing to be helpful. Complaining is not going to be a successful strategy for her. She needs to help set up the household in a way that
is helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

I am not the OP but here are two books that I got for my SO to help her in understanding and dealing with someone who has ADHD. They were an immense help and I personally found them oddly refreshing to read... it's nice to see and know that there are others out there who share the exact same issues, and even more importantly that there are others who understand.

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-But-Stuck-Emotions-Adults/dp/111827928X

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

There is a great book for partners of people with ADD who want to understand more about it and how it impacts relations:

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

First, know that what your girlfriend is feeling and expressing to you is valid. What she is saying is extremely normal for a neurotypical person to say. Much of our ADHD behavior comes off as being rude or careless.

If I can guess, since you are about 6 months in, she's probably dealing with you becoming more distant. In the beginning, people with ADHD can overload a partner with love and romance and emotions. But then it dwindles. We get bored of it. We aren't bored of the person, but we are bored of the whole humdrum of romancing someone. So to the other person we seem detached or like we don't care anymore. This is usually the moment where relationships start having problems.

I kept having relationships with guys who seemed to suddenly, at about 4-6 months in, just not like me anymore. They'd start complaining about my behavior in ways they never did before. Suddenly I'm too messy. Or too loud. Or too chaotic. So, I'd end the relationship. I'd say "well you just don't like me anymore I guess."

So. There's a lot to unpack in your post. I'm going to try to break it up into easy bullets:

1.) If your girlfriend expects you to remember something important, she needs to see you write it down, put it in a calendar, etc. None of this "hey can you do the dishes later". You will say yes probably without even hearing her. She needs to tell you important things in a way that might seem condescending, but it's just how our brains work. What does she want you to do? When does she want you to do it? How does she want you to do it?

2.) The honesty thing is probably her offended that you say whatever is on your mind. This is on her to tackle IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you say something she thinks is "too honest" she has to say so and you need to talk about it. I'm terrible at stopping my impulse to say things and I often end up criticizing my boyfriend without meaning to. One time me loudly complaining "OMG THERES WAY TOO MANY ONIONS IN THIS" turned into a fight that almost ended our relationship. And tbh there weren't that many onions. I just got a lot of onions in a bite and my brain was like "say this thing and make your partner feel bad!!" Again, this is something that has to be dealt with as it happens. It's no use bringing it up later because you'll be like "I never said that." And she will want to slap you.

3.) Your intentions don't really matter. Maybe you don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but the fact is, to HER you are being mean. And neurotypical people would file that info away and not do that thing next time. With ADHD we might store that info but we don't use it when we need it. We keep doing it. And to our partners that seems careless. SO you need to figure out a solution. Maybe it's a look in public or a touch on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is probably way more aware of how you appear to others in social situations than you do. Use her normal brain to your advantage.

4.) Instead of just saying "sorry it's the ADHD, can't do anything about it until I get a dosage increase", try something like this: "Sorry, that was rude of me (or inconsiderate, whatever). The ADHD makes it difficult for me to [whatever behavior] but I am working on improving that. Can you help me figure out a way to stop doing that in the future?"

Also, SHE needs to 1) accept that you have ADHD and that your diagnosis is valid and 2) accept that you are not your diagnosis and know how ADHD affects behavior by reading books or videos, etc.

There are people who definitely do use ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. Me having ADHD doesn't give me the right to continue to say rude things to my boyfriend. But the success of your relationship will rely on both of you understanding how the ADHD affects you, her, and the relationship. Is it worth all that work? That's for you to decide. I personally see my partner as a HUGE help in my life. But it took a long time for him to understand me and my ADHD.

Some books that are helpful:

Is it you me or adult add

Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD

AND if you still have difficulties, a therapist who has experience with adult ADHD and relationships will be a god send. Good luck!!

I encourage you to read the book Is it you, me, or adult ADD. The book is spot on and written for spouses of people with ADHD.

Off the bat, having read your other post, as a man who was not diagnosed until my early 30s, my instinct is to try to reach out to your partner and tell him to run far, far away. I don't think you have the first clue how his brain works or how much (or little) of what he does that is driving you away is voluntary. Your post made me hurt inside because I've been with a partner like that who made me feel absolutely awful about myself for years to the point my personality was unrecognizable to friends and family who had known me the longest.

However, you say that you want to help, and so taking you at your word I'm going to give you a resource to read as a starting point. The book "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD" by Gina Pera (Amazon link included) is aimed at the partners of ADHD adults, and offers both explanations of many common issues that arise in ADHD relationships, along with many real-world examples from various couples, and guidance about the help available for both partners in the relationship. If you're going to look one place as a starting point for deciding whether or not you have the will to make this work, I'd go there.

I wish both of you the best as you deal with this. Please, though, do deal with it in some way and don't just let this simmer and ruin more years of your lives. I promise you he's suffering as much as you are here even if he's ashamed to show it.

You know it almost came to that several times in our relationship. We are together four years as of March. I wish I would have discovered this book a long time ago: I highly recommend reading it so you have the tools to be successful in your future relationships: http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709