Reddit mentions of It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

A couple that might be useful for you are:

• It's not all about me
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  To reframe your self-accessed predicament, being shy is on your side here. Learning to shut up and listen to the other person talk is one of the best things you can do. When people talk about themselves and someone is listening (I mean really listening, not pretending to), they get a good feeling. That feeling they get becomes attached to being with you. That is, they think you're great and sociable when in fact you haven't even said anything!
  
  People love to talk about themselves - we are always seeking to be accepted among our fellow human beings - we are a society after all. We need to feel loved, wanted, respected etc, and the best way you can give this to another person is to just let them talk about themselves and be genuinely interested. Faking interest will not go un-noticed and it will work against, rather than for you. Ask questions about why they do the things they do and make them feel as if you want to know the answers. In this context they are the interesting people, not you. Then sit back and see how this moulds their perception of you - they will love you.
  
  Splash some knowledge of body language into the mix and you will understand more about how you are being perceived and also be able to control your own non-verbals to give messages to others.
  
  The key you seek is in understanding how other people work, not yourself!

Might also suggest It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone by Robin Dreeke. He advocates for:

1. Establishing artificial time constraints. People are more comfortable if they think even if this conversation goes bad, at least it will be short.
   
   
2. Accommodating nonverbals. Smile, do a slight head tilt.
   
   
3. Speak slower.
   
   
4. Use a sympathy or assistance theme. People want to help, find ways to let them.
   
   
5. Check your massive ego (we've all got them). Make it about the other person.
   
   
6. Validate others. People like people that like and accept them.
   
   
7. Ask questions. How? When? Why? People want to talk about themselves. All you need to do is ask open ended questions.
   
   
8. Prime the pump. Other introverts are going to want you to lead. Say a little something to get things started or if someone realizes they have been spending the whole conversation talking about themselves and stops, say something about yourself that builds on that and gets them comfortable that it is an exchange.
   
   
9. Give gifts. Either of your attention or material. It's a way to show people you like the person you are talking with.
   
   
10. Manage expectations. Mostly your expectations. Everyone is talking for a reason. If you focus on what the other person wants more than what you want, you are more likely to get what you want too.
    
    It's a helpful list of suggestions. And, I'd wager that most INTJs, like me, frequently are doing the opposite of a few of these when they have a bad social interaction. It can't just be about getting information. It's got to be about the other person and building a relationship too.

I recommend "It's Not All About You" ex FBI agent shows how to start conversation with everybody, and get the information you need without them knowing.

I have always focused my learning on hard skills. I thought this was really all that mattered. Good ideas can speak for themselves, right???

Only recently I realized how important soft skills are in life. Like you, I am also researching communication skills, confidence, persuasion/influence, body language, etc.

Here are some materials I have come across. Hope they are helpful in your journey.

This book was very insightful on building rapport: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-Techniques-ebook/dp/B0060YIBLK

It was written by a guy in the FBI who's job it was to build relationships with all kinds of people. He outlines 10 steps you can use to build trust with strangers. Topics include using open body language, commenting on surroundings and/or personal accessories, asking open questions about them, etc. Many things covered might seem like "common sense", but if you are not consciously using them is it really "common sense"?

And another book that was helpful about body language: http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-ebook/dp/B000SEH9QG/

This was fascinating and discussed all types of body language, what they mean, and theories on why we do it. There is a section on mating/courting body language, which was also quite eye opening. Again, you will not realize the potential until you bring this stuff into your conscious mind. Many of the things we do while communicating we do subconsciously. It is extremely interesting and sometimes quite funny seeing how people communicate with their body.

One other interesting point on this subject is that your mental state affects your body language, which then affects your mental state, etc. If you have unconfident body language, you will have unconfident thoughts. Watch the Amy Cuddy video on "Fake it until you make it". Have confident body language all the time. If you start slouching, lift up your chest and hold your head up high... even if you are hanging around! You will feel more confident as you turn this into a habit. Practice this stuff every day. You WILL get better. Small wins build confidence and you will create a positive feedback loop.

Regarding "how was your summer", maybe try complementing them instead. People love to feel good about themselves. Are they wearing a unique accessory (watch, necklace, hat) or clothing? Say, "Wow that is a really interesting hat!" See what they say. If they don't open up try a follow-up question. I tried this comment and they opened up about where they were from, how they moved here, etc. The hat was really a way for them to communicate their identity. Another approach is the sympathy card... "Hi, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out". Talk about a situation you are in and ask for their feedback. Then branch out the convo based on their responses. Make sure your body language is open, yet confident - do not come on strong or closed.

29 M

01 Three things helped me over time.

Search for awareness wheel and read about that.

This book also helped me tremendously: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-Techniques-ebook/dp/B0060YIBLK . Its only 90 pages so try to finish it haha.

I also watched the mystery method when I was 18 and although it is cringe as fuck, the "methods" actually closely links to the book above. Successfully picking up girls boosted my confidence and that also made a huge impact.

02 Struggled until around 18. Started going out and talked to random people in bars, picked up girls etc. And eventually just figured it out. Got more mature from there using the the awareness wheel and the methods in the book.

03 I actively listen to what they are saying rather than think of what I want to say next.

04 As I gained confidence, this sorted itself out.

05 Ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. See book in number 1.

06 Ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. See book in number 1.

I feel you. You mentioned feeling unfulfilled - do you have a hobby, or something that you can put energy into and feel proud of? Here's a resource I found a while ago with some suggestions. If you want to pick up some socializing techniques in a way that doesn't take much effort, there's a really thin book here that's $2 with the kindle app or program that I've found really useful, too. And if you want to find a way to socialize, try meetup.com and see if there are any board game clubs near where you live. You never know, could be tolerable.

A better question to ask is, why do I feel anxious in social situations? Because once you address that, you'll have the freedom and confidence to do anything you want.

I'm not judging -- I felt socially anxious for awhile, now it's basically gone. For me, there were a bunch of underlying causes (most I covered in Play It Away), but for a lot of young people, the biggest sources of social anxiety are:

• Severe lack of quality face-to-face time with friends. Which is why people need to PLAY MORE. Sign up for some sport, group activity, or organization where you can be a high-status person and meet nice people. I do improv, basketball, kickball, gardening, and volunteering, and I ask my friends to get meals or hang out with me multiple times each week.
  
• Chronic sleep deprivation. Humans really need 10-12 hours of sleep to function, not the 6-8 that was thrust upon us after the industrial revolution. Stop looking at screens and bright lights after 8pm. Turn your electronics off.
  
• Caffeine and stimulants. That stuff literally wires you to go into fight-or-flight mode around people. Drink more water.
  
• Repeatedly putting yourself out there in small ways. Maybe it's telling a joke to a cashier, or complimenting your waitress, then seeing that everything is okay! If you keep putting yourself into situations that give you social anxiety, you'll eventually feel safe and calm. I remember going to a pickup soccer game when I moved to Austin. I knew no one on the field, and hadn't played soccer since I was 14. When I got there, I got nervous and nearly walked away. But I decided to push through and had a blast. Same deal with improv, actually. Scary at first, but ended up being one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
  
  I really can't overstate having consistent, repeated, FUN face-to-face time with people you genuinely enjoy being around. This alone can steadily eliminate your social anxiety. Oh, and stop watching the news. It makes you afraid of the world when you shouldn't be :)
  
  P.S. This book is great for getting better socially. Awful cover, bad title, but AMAZING content. Highly recommended!

> Overall, mentally challenging but I can tell that it's a VERY useful skill. I'm keen to improve on it :)

Me too, that's why recently I've bought It's Not All About "Me". Though I haven't put anything into Anki, I found it quite useful read. I've tried to implement one technique, however, to no avail.

It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0060YIBLK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WL89Ab1KMQGQE

Hmmm. Ok, interesant. Cred ca inteleg cel putin sentimentul.

[pauza de gandire]

Ok, O sa iau de bine tot ce mi-ai zis, si incerc sa vin cu chestii din directii diverse.

In primul rand e posibil ca in interactiunile pe care le ai sa nu faci interlocutorul sa se simta bine. Nu prin defecte, ci pentru ca nu ai prins arta de a "peria social" pe cineva. Pot sa-ti recomand asta, e cea mai faina resursa pe care o stiu in domeniu, si ca bonus e extrem de scurta - am recitit-o recent intr-un zbor+aeroport.

A doua chestie e sa subliniez si mai mult ideea de context. E un pic offtopic si long read, dar uite o discutie despre subiectul asta. N-o sa incerc sa reproduc aici, slava domnului ca e destul de detaliat subiectul acolo. Dar ideea e ca trebe neaparat sa cauti cercuri cu subiecte care iti plac. Ai fi surprinsa, dar exista pe orice domeniu. Facebook and stuff nu ajuta la socializare per se, poate cel mult sa gasesti grupuri pe domeniile respective. De cont de messenger cel putin ai nevoie.

A treia varianta e sa iesim la o bere. Daca esti draguta e foarte probabil sa flirtez, dar pot sa promit ca o sa fiu (posibil brutal de) deschis cu ce observ. In ultima instanta, nu prea poti diagnostica online probleme pe offline. Nu-i graba btw, in bucuresti ajung in 2-3 saptamani.

Sa stii ca-ti inteleg frustrarea, si eu am trecut prin chestii asemanatoare cu relatiile acum 10 ani si inca sunt sucarit pe prieteni ca nici unul nu mi-a spus "you're borderline fat and hitting on hot girls". Probabil de asta hipercompensez acum. Asa ca am un prieten la care-i aduc aminte ca-i gras de fiecare data cand il vad :p

I would offer my EMSK advice:

If you are on the receiving end of a road rage, your have one and only goal - defuse the situation for BOTH of you.

You start by completely suspending your ego. As of that moment YOU are not important at all!

Then offer a sincere apology. To make it sincere you MAY need to become an actor for a moment. Imagine you are really at fault (regardless of what your ego thought seconds ago!!!) and that the other guy has perfect excuse to be that emotional (e.g. his wife just streamed a video how she cheats him with his best friend, he got the message that his house burned down, etc).

If you are believe you can summon some more acting, offer some heartbreaking excuse (e.g. your wife just streamed a video how she cheats with your best friend, you got the message that your house burned down, etc).

Example:

• Stay safe (in your car) and out of reach (pull the window down few cm)!
  
• [high energy, loudness matches his] "Oh, my God! I didn't see you!!! How could I be so stupid! You did that and I just didn't... etc.. etc [continue until you see his steam is reduced]
  
• [bring the energy/loudness down] Are you OK!? Please, please forgive me! Good that you reacted so fast! You saved us both! Thank you for that!"etc [this should get him almost completely calm]
  
• [appeal to his compassion and go to normal level of emotions/energy/loudness] "You see, I just got a call that my house burned down completely! I should have not driven in such a state. Truly sorry, please forgive me!" [expect a hug]
  
  
  Preemptively: I don't care about law implications on admission of fault, etc. Where I live, acting (= lying) will be accepted as a good alternative to a physical self-defense ("But judge, I thought he would kill me!").
  
  Note: This approach is based (except the emotion/energy redution advice) on It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone by Robin Dreeke, the head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program within the Counterintelligence Division