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Reddit mentions of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

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We found 117 Reddit mentions of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Here are the top ones.

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
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Release dateDecember 2007
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Found 117 comments on Mindset: The New Psychology of Success:

u/Tryndamere · 193 pointsr/leagueoflegends

Was a fun game and Fizz played extremely well to snowball. Literally carried the game virtually by himself and deserved the compliments. :)

Additionally, there is no point in ever raging. I'm as competitive as the next person (if not more so), yet why rage? I am constructive because of my mindset / outlook on life, not because "this is my game", and this positive attitude is probably one of the attributes that has helped me with all of my accomplishments.

A couple quotes that I enjoy that may provide some food for thought for you all:

"I am an optimist. It does not seem to much use to be anything else." - Winston Churchill

"The role of the leader is to keep hope alive" - General Bern Loefke

Having a positive mindset that is framed by the belief that you can overcome whatever challenges confront you is one of the core attributes shared by many successful people.

For those interested in reading more on this topic, peep a book called Mindset: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=34080648191&hvpos=1t2&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7381209996484130525&hvpone=12.09&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_2fdqp9hcev_b

The people that have hit Diamond despite physical handicaps and other challenges exemplify this mindset in League - whereas those that externalize blame constantly, rage at their teammates and say "It's impossible to get out of ELO hell" never will grow because they believe they can't grow because the underlying reason for their failure is something they think is outside of their control (which is false).

That is the same underlying false premise which belies those who give up in any activity (school, relationships, jobs, games, etc).

Those who succeed persevere and have a positive, "can do" attitude.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now ;)

u/MarcusKilgannon · 31 pointsr/MensLib


I found this was a great book to challenge that mindset. It helped me a lot anyway.

u/EducationTheseDays · 22 pointsr/IAmA

Mindset by Carol Dweck has some good insight. I think I have been lucky genetically, and in the environment I was raised, but I think it is a mindset thing and it takes practise. Also understanding positive/negative feedback loops and how positive thinking will impact your life, might increase motivation for you to develop a positive (growth) mindset as you will appreciate the influence it has.

u/basedpede1337 · 18 pointsr/The_Donald

He wouldn't have gotten where he is without that mindset. There is a really good book on the psychology of what he said in the tweet. Mindset It basically talks about the two types of mindsets that successful people have vs failures. It all comes down to basically this:
>"What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate." - Donald J Trump, 2014

Successful people will take failure as a learning opportunity and then keep going. Failures give up.

u/leaky_wand · 16 pointsr/PoliticalHumor

That’s sad but I get it. Can I play therapist for a second? ^Disclaimer: ^not ^a ^therapist

Let me put it this way: do you want to paint? Then go paint. Is painting itself not the issue but you still want to have some skill to be proud of? Then go find something you want to do and do it.

I struggled with this for almost my entire life. I didn’t want to try new things. One day it clicked: I was only seeking validation of my intellect. My whole life I was told that I had the brains to do anything I wanted, and I held on to that very tightly. In my mind, my innate potential was held up as my only source of self worth, and trying any new thing that I absolutely knew I couldn’t do beforehand represented an unacceptable risk to my ego. What if I tried—tried as hard as I possibly could—and failed?

Well I was put in a situation at work where I had no choice but to try and fail, and do you know what? Nobody expected me to succeed. Nobody was keeping score on my successes and failures in my life. All they asked of me was to do my best.

And so I did try, and it was hard, and I fucked up a lot. Ultimately I succeeded, but it was not a smooth ride. And along the way, I would check in with myself, and I found that I was still here, still breathing. And I felt myself grow. It was exciting.

After that, I picked up some new hobbies—because they were interesting to me and I had always wanted to try them—and I totally sucked at them. But I kept at them, and had soul crushing failures, but also intense euphoric rushes of success, and ultimately gained the confidence to do what I really wanted to do with my life. I had a choice now. My motivations were truly my own.

Check out “Mindset” by Carol Dweck (Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bSNVAbNDXTJPM). She explicitly describes the exact thing that it took me years of soul searching to find out. I was in the “fixed” mindset, in her words, and I somehow managed to get into a “growth” mindset. I allowed myself to try and fail and try and fail and ultimately succeed. And even if I didn’t succeed—I was the only one paying attention, so who cares?

Lots of words, and maybe I am making too many assumptions, but I am very passionate about this topic because I wish someone sat me down and told it to me decades ago. I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this.

u/sunrise_orange · 15 pointsr/getdisciplined

I would recommend that you read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (link to Amazon).

I read this book two years ago with not much belief in the knowledge shared here. I didn't fully believe or apply the principles, so it wasn't really helpful.

A few months ago, I came across this book again. Difference? I was desperate for change. I felt like my life was unravelling at the seams. I kind of had a similar background as you but with my father. He would literally laugh at my dreams and tell me I would "be overshined by my siblings," and told me I was "always lacking in everything." He is the reason I often fall into patterns of completely disregarding any achievement of mine. A few months ago, this was my typical day: I relived my worst memories once every few hours in attempt to "understand myself" (now I see it was a form of self-sabotage) and I kept telling myself I was strong for getting through these situations, but it didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure every day. I can't say I know exactly what you feel like now, but I can relate.

Okay, so back to the book. I read this with desperation. By then I was already aware of the importance of your mindset and what you tell yourself, but I didn't really know how to translate this knowledge into practice. And then came this book. Simply put, the idea is to tell yourself this one thing over and over again. "I love myself." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not right now. Just do it. Because you will get to a point where you actually value yourself through this seemingly stupid exercise. I have to say I feel better than ever about who I am. I'm just more secure about the person I am. My flaws, my interests, and all. I was socially awkward because I wanted people to like me so badly. Now, I'm not charming anyone by any extent of the word, but I don't feel that pressure to impress someone or make sure they like me anymore. (It's not completely gone, but eight to nine times out of ten, I don't think "what if they don't like me" anymore.) This is one the most effective CBT techniques I have experienced.

Also, a key idea here was to stop any negative thought process from unfolding by saying the words "not important" in your mind. This has been surprisingly helpful, and I don't go the on crazy negative tangents in my mind much anymore.


I also recommend you read the book Mindset. It became much easier to make progress and accept that I was making progress in different areas of my life with a growth mindset.


Best of luck! I hope you do well. I know you can get over this. I'm saying this as someone who has gone through clinical depression, anxiety, and self-sabotage over the past four years. I'm now thankfully completely recovered from depression and anxiety, and am working to get into university with a scholarship while freelancing. I get depressed and anxious, but it's not the magnitude of mental illness anymore.


Remember progress isn't instant. I don't know how negative your thought processes are, but the "instant change" I outline above is just to show you an example of where you might be. You might be mentally somewhere closer to me three years ago when it took a good year and a half to rid myself of my worst thought processes.


Good luck!

u/Akatchuk · 15 pointsr/getdisciplined

I have a couple of books to suggest reading that have helped me a lot with that issue. The first one is Mindset, by Carol Dweck and it approaches the concept of growth mindset VS fixed mindset. To its core, the idea is that a growth mindset is more inclined to try new things out, sees practice as a necessary exercise to get better at something, and sees mistakes/failures as lessons to take in stride.

This book helped me a lot because I find that we live in a time where as members of the Western Society (sorry if I assumed wrongly), we expect to a) be successful at everything we try and b) get everything instantly. The problems with these assumptions is that we usually suck at anything we start, and because we realise we're crap and can't get the results instantly, we think we've failed and we become unhappy.

If you ever watch East Asian dramas or read mangas or watch animes (slightly gross generalisation, sorry if I offend), there is usually an element of growth. The main character will fail at something, but eventually keep practicing until they get there. They don't focus on the end result, but on the process of learning, of making mistakes and learning lessons from them. We've forgotten how to do that, and instead of being encouraged to persevere past our mistakes, we're just told to find something else we're good at, which is counter-productive given that we're usually not good at anything we've never done before.

The second book will sound a little soppy, but I definitely think it's worth a read. It's Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff and the premise is simply to be more accepting of yourself and your mistakes (not in a lovey-dovey way, just "ok cool, I fucked up, time to move on"). She posits that self-esteem isn't as useful as self-compassion because self-esteem usually means you have to make yourself feel better by comparing yourself with someone/something else ("Oh look, I must be so good at this because everyone else is rubbish), which means you are still somehow reliant on external factors. This is not an ideal situation because you're still subject to fear of failure or rejection by others.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, helps you see that everyone makes mistake, and it not only helps you learn to be kinder towards yourself (this is especially important if you find yourself criticising yourself and blaming yourself for not doing something because you've been procrastinating), it also helps you be more accepting of others, because you realise we're all the same. This is especially helpful to learn to deal with other people's judgement, because you can see that what they say and how they act towards you is a reflection on themselves, not you (if I'm an arse to someone on the tube, I was probably impatient or annoyed with something, for example).

It does sound a little wishy-washy, but I think it's self-compassion that truly helps someone understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that when you make one, not only should you remember that someone has almost definitely made a worse one, but also that you can move on from it, so it's ok to fuck up. With a growth mindset, you'll learn to be ok with making mistakes, and maybe even seek to make them when you realise you learn by failing and not by succeeding (well, most of the time). You may also become more comfortable with uncertainty and seek regular practice in a subject rather than trying it once and deciding it's not for you because you're not good at it.

Another thing is to learn to be humble. We're always told we can do anything if we set our mind to it, and that we're all special snowflakes, but we're not. If you want to become a special snowflake, you've got a long way to go. So start from the bottom and work your way up. Always listen to advice, even if you've heard it before, or you think it's rubbish, because someone tried to help and it could help you learn. By being humble you don't fall off your pedestal of self-made-up glory because you don't think you're the shit, you're just yourself and if you want to achieve something, you know it'll take efforts, failures and time (always, if it doesn't, there's a catch). There's nothing wrong with not being a special snowflake or not being the shit. You'll still have your friends and family, at the end of the day!

Also, people are not against you, they're for themselves. They won't give a toss about your failures or your accomplishments past telling you sorry/congratulations, because we're all self-centered. So don't look at how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence, focus on making your own grass greener.

u/MartinMystikJonas · 14 pointsr/getdisciplined

Exactly. I like how this is described by Carol Dweck in the book Mindset.

Loosing self worth after failure is sign of wrong fixed mindset while people with good growth mindset see then as learning oportunity.

u/__Pers · 14 pointsr/IWantToLearn

You really need to go out and read Dr. Carol Dweck's book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She's a preeminent researcher into the sorts of mental traps one falls into that hamper one's ability to succeed and be happy and how to avoid them. Your post evinces all the classical pitfalls she describes.

In short, one's natural gifts mean nothing, ultimately, as you have no control over them whatsoever. You should take no pride nor feel any shame for the hand you're dealt. What matters--and this is all that matters--is what effort you put forward in playing that hand. Do not be afraid to fail and do not measure yourself by others' successes. Rather, measure yourself only by what you can achieve.

u/androidLavish · 11 pointsr/Blackfellas

As someone in tech, these interviews don't really test smarts, programming skills, or IQ. Just that you can grind leetcode.

Tech interviews are all really just a game with a huge amount of luck involved. Sometimes you get all problems you've heard before with lenient interviews, sometimes you get a bunch of leetcode hards with interviewers who expect you to write a proof before solving it. I definitely wouldn't consider someone smarter or dumber then me based on how they did in an interview.

It's tough after a rejection but it's good that you're going to keep applying. Time is on your side and Google will probably be knocking on your door again in 6 to 9 months anyway.

As far as impostor syndrome I'd recommend reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

It barely mentions impostor syndrome specifically but the skills taught in it are almost directly related.

u/spacemunkee · 11 pointsr/gamedev

So, there are a few books that I think all indie game developers should read that really have nothing to do with game development. However, they will help you understand habit and discipline. Really, everyone should read these books.

[Grit] (https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487005711&sr=8-1&keywords=Grit), by Dr. Angela Duckworth, Phd.

Mindset, by Dr. Carol Dweck, Phd.

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

The ideas in these books and research behind them are very powerful.

u/ShinjoB · 11 pointsr/BlackPeopleTwitter

I think this is actually a very big deal and something I try to pay attention to as a parent. When you praise your kid for "being smart", that becomes their identity, and once they hit something they don't understand they feel their identity threatened. If you instead praise your kid for their hard work, then learning hard stuff just becomes a matter of more hard work.

This is obviously a gross oversimplification, but check out a woman named Carol Dweck for more on this.

u/kaidomac · 10 pointsr/theXeffect

Going to throw some pop psychology in here:

  1. There's a great book called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck, which puts forth the idea that we only have one of two mindsets about any given situation in our lives. In short, they are the "fixed" mindset ("this is why I can't") and the "growth" mindset ("how can I?"). It's the idea that you can learn & grow & do better by being proactive instead of reactive, aka working on stuff instead of just living by excuses.
  2. I suffered from a strong "all or nothing" mentality growing up, which was really stressful, because it's hard to put forth a tremendous amount of effort consistently on any single thing that actually works real work. I can do it for video games or Internet surfing non-stop, and I can do big-effort potshots here & there on projects, like staying up all night to write an essay, but I'd always paint myself into a corner mentally because of my perfectionist attitude. I did great work...when I worked...but I'd often quit because I'd hit some sort of slump where I wasn't Superman in every single situation, like I wanted to be & thought I had to be. It's an odd line of thinking, but we're emotionally-driven creates, and it was difficult to work through those feelings!
  3. I later came to learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which says that feelings & emotions are separate; feelings are things you have, but emotions come from thinking. We're all subjective to cognitive distortions as well, which are incorrect forms of thinking. In my case, I suffered from very polarized thinking - I had to do it perfectly, or else it wasn't worth doing! Or that I was a failure. This sounds incredibly silly writing it out, but because thoughts convert into emotions & we live emotional lives, I was constantly struggling with feeling discouraged because I couldn't do things perfectly all the time!
  4. I then came across a fantastic TED Talk by Angela Duckworth on the concept of "grit" as a means to success. The basic idea is that the key to success is not giving up. This sounds incredibly obvious when you listen to it, but in practice, that concept is far from the reality that most people live in! "I can't cook", "I can't play the guitar", "I'm terrible at sports", etc. are all examples of using a fixed mindset to make an excuse & then quit all forward progress on whatever it is you're working on. That's why being "gritty" is so important - you only fail if you quit!

    I have 3 definitions of grit, all of which involved mental choices:

  5. Being willing to experiment until you obtain success
  6. Being willing to fail until you obtain success
  7. Being willing to be persistent until you obtain success

    To flesh that out a bit:

  8. If you've ever tried cooking something, chances are you've goofed up at least once recipe along the way, or perhaps you tried a recipe that was kinda-sorta good, but needed some tinkering along the way. In this case, being willing to experiment with things instead of just quitting means that you can grow & develop a successful recipe - or skill or achievement - until you get to where you want to be, which is, by definition, success! Because of our built-in human nature, screw-ups feel like failures, which tend to make us stop working on things because we just flat-out quit.
  9. The classic example here is of a baby learning how to talk - they have to stumble & fall for months & months until they figure it out. If adults had to do it, we'd just quit, because that's too hard to do in the face of so much failure - it didn't come easy the first or the second or the third time, so I guess that's that, we're just terrible at whatever we're working on! But that's not the case - certain things come easy to certain people, and some those same things can be monumentally difficult for other people, and that's okay!
  10. It sounds weird to use failure as a path to success, but that's simply how reality operates: you keep chipping away on it, consistently, over time, until you achieve success. Failure is not a Bad Thing; quitting is a bad thing, when your goal is to be successful. With this perspective, we can now adopt failure as part of our success story, rather than a sign that we should stop trying.
  11. Likewise, being persistent is the key to continuing on the path. One of my current personal mottos is "small bites daily". That idea is partly from the question: "How do you eat an elephant?", to which the answer is "one bite at a time." The other part is about making consistent progress as the primary engine for success, so combining those two ideas, I came up with "small bites daily".

    part 1/2
u/ombwtk · 10 pointsr/MMA

Everyone has a certain amount of potential in any given activity and mindset is crucial in developing ones potential to the fullest (both rate of improvement and limits on that improvement). Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset that discusses this concept in depth:


I'm not sure if Conor has read that book, but he lives it more than any other person I know of. I'm sure other top athletes have the same kind of mindset, but Conor's the only one I know of that is vocal about it.

u/hiigaran · 8 pointsr/getdisciplined

You are a procrastinator BECAUSE you are a perfectionist. Your perfectionism is misguided, you can use it as a justification to sit on your hands for long periods of time. When I was in college I would not do essays or programming projects because "I'm not sure how to do it right yet. I'll think about it more and figure it out before I start." A week later I had still done absolutely nothing.

Your procrastination is a mood repair strategy you deploy unconsciously and habitually in order to protect yourself from feeling bad about not doing your work.

My advice? Learn a little bit about Growth mindset, shame and self-compassion. You need to find a way to quiet your perfectionism first. By taking care of the perfectionism you give yourself room to practice and failure won't be as scary. At that point I would put money on the bet that your procrastination will virtually vanish.

Good books for reading to deal with that:

u/mariox19 · 7 pointsr/programming

I wish I could give this book an unqualified endorsement, but there is a small problem with it. The book, however, gives a terrific explanation of the phenomenon you're describing. It's not laziness.

Basically, there are two kinds of "mindsets." Either people believe that intelligence is what matters, that it's a fixed quantity, and that you're able to do something or not do it; or, people believe that hard work and effort is what matters.

That sounds like simple common sense, but the book does a really good job of explaining the implications of this in terms of one's own psychology.

The problem with the book is a problem it shares with lots of books out now. I think that publishers have a target page number in mind for some books, and authors who have written an excellent long essay or long article, essentially, are more or less forced to pad their work to make the target page count. You'll see criticisms to that effect in the various Amazon reviews.

I bought the book in hardcover. Like some readers, I too was a bit disappointed with the repetitiveness. Now that it's in softcover, however, I think it's definitely worth the 11 bucks. If you can find it in the library, so much the better.

Check it out. It's worth reading.

u/TenaciousPoo · 6 pointsr/confession

You absolutely without a doubt MUST read this book [not an affiliate link]. It addresses how a specific mindset views success vs. failure and a different way to frame life events. It can really help take the pressure off of a bruised ego.

u/Masehead · 6 pointsr/UIUC

If you have some free time, it might be a good idea to take some time to read, journal, and learn new skills.

You can journal about the fall semester and try to brainstorm the reasons for why you got a 2.5 GPA. Were you taking time to study every day, were you spending too much time at Kams, or were you spending too much time alone on reddit and not developing a social circle? There's a lot of reasons that can lead to a difficult semester and identifying them is important to prevent the same problems from happening again in the spring. Also the act of journaling will help you process your thoughts in a more productive way than if you are just ruminating.

Reading would also be a great use of your time because for one, the act of reading helps to alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can also read different books about motivation, psychology, health, or success that can give you some tools on how to think about your problems. Some books that were beneficial to me when I was in a similar situation were, "Change Your Brain Change Your Life (before 25)," "The Defining Decade," and "Mindset." Here's the links to them on Amazon:




Lastly, learning new skills will help you increase your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person. Learn how to solve a rubix cube, learn to play a song on some instrument, take a coding class online, or teach yourself how to make an omelette. Honestly, you can teach yourself anything and it will be beneficial. Learning these small skills will make you feel productive and increase your sense of self-efficacy.

Try not to think of your failures as a sign that there is something inherently wrong with you or that you are a failure. You have an incredible capability to grow as a human in all areas of your life and failing is a good sign to show that your pushing yourself to learn. In the words of John Wooden, "Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be."

I'll leave you with one last quote that I found to be inspirational: "Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all." - Norman Vincent Peale.


u/lingual_panda · 6 pointsr/cscareerquestions

I highly recommend Mindset. A fixed mindset is basically shooting yourself in the foot if you have any sort of goal whatsoever.

Facts and Fallacies of Software Engineering is from the mid-90s but basically everything is still true today.

Becoming a Technical Leader and Apprenticeship Patterns are kind of like two sides to the same coin. I read the former during my first internship and I definitely think it helped me succeed at my second internship and in my first job.

On Writing Well has an entire chapter on technical writing, but the rest of the book is fantastic as well.

u/revisionedDOTnet · 6 pointsr/socialskills

This has to do with your internal framing of failure. Many people think failure is a bad thing, so they obsess over it or avoid situations that will challenge them and that will make them feel like a failure. In the book Mindset, Carol Dweck refers to this as the 'fixed' mindset. People in this mindset tend to think that all skills and abilities are 'natural born' and that nothing can be learned or built upon, and studies have shown that people with this mindset are often less successful than their couter-parts with the 'growth' mindset.

It's a great book, and I recommend reading it if you've got the chance.

In short, we all make mistakes from time to time - specifically in social situations, or in other situations as well. If you frame every interaction and challenge as an opportunity to learn, then failure becomes becomes an exciting preliminary element to growth, and you will obsess about it much less. Don't go into the situation hoping to fail, but rather understanding that not everything is supposed to turn out how you anticipated, and what you do with the outcome can provide a great opportunity to help you.

u/SoulGorilla · 6 pointsr/startups

Read [this book.] (http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409206717&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset) I wish i had read it when i was in college, looks like another, off the shelf motivational self-help book, i know. But it is $9 well spent. Hell, I'll buy it for you if you're short on cash.

u/0hypothesis · 5 pointsr/INTP

There's a difference between being "smart" and gaining knowledge and skills, as you seem to be hinting at.

A highly-recommended book on this topic is Mindset by Carol Dweck.

u/br0wnp0w · 5 pointsr/cscareerquestions

Building on that. Read https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322, seriously. I stopped using "I'm bad at X" as an excuse after reading.

u/Desmond_Jones · 5 pointsr/AskWomen

Failure is the best education tool. You should check out Mindset by Carol Dweck. The ebook and audiobooks are available on piratebay.

u/erichf3893 · 5 pointsr/humblebrag

I had a very similar situation (didn’t think I was the smartest in the room, but did well without studying). Not quite as great on paper but still got into what is considered a decent school by many. It’s quite the rude awakening when you think you can just fly by the seat of your pants in uni. I was able to get my shit together and graduate with a 3.1 (not great, but still got my degree), so if this was recently and you’re thinking of giving up, please don’t! It can be done.

I highly suggest checking out this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

Obviously a book isn’t going to immediately solve all your problems, but I found it incredibly helpful and eye opening. Parts are pretty interesting but overall it isn’t the most entertaining read. It is a pretty quick read though if you power through, it’s just that certain sections are boring and repetitive.

u/smackthisaccountdown · 5 pointsr/acting

Read mindset. This is where your pressure could be coming from. You are suffering from a fixed mindset, and the stress that you must "prove" you're the great performer you "always were". Instead, if you change your mindset to a growth mindset, and focus on being adaptable, working hard, being kind, and taking the classes in order to become a better performer, you'll be a much stronger actor for it (and less of an ass). I learned this the hard way, took me 2 years and it was ALMOST too late for me to turn my shit around, but I caught it just in time to make my college's showcase -> go to LA -> land a manager and agency and get my SAG-AFTRA card and blah blah blah this Friday I'm auditioning for HBO, you feel? Also, go to the gym. Most colleges have one on campus, or join a Planet Fitness for $10/month. It is time for you to take ownership of your life.

u/CoachAtlus · 5 pointsr/streamentry

This would be an excellent subject for a standalone post: Pragmatic dharma's take on child rearing.

I've found that Fred Rogers was the ultimate master in this regard. Although he was Christian, he didn't discuss religion or religious topics on his show. Instead, he focused on basic principles of morality -- loving oneself and one's neighbor, kindness, allowing one's feelings and being respectful of the feelings of others, and so on. (Daniel Tiger, the modern manifestation of Fred Rogers' excellent program is equally quality.)

We try and follow the Fred Rogers school in my house as best we can. Apart from that, here are some of the other things we have worked on:

  • The importance of "ohana" or family; not just our immediate family, but a family that includes all creatures and all beings. (Lilo and Stitch is an excellent movie for teaching this principle.)
  • An emphasis on work and service over pleasure seeking. Work and service are "healthy foods" in life; movies, shows, and games are "dessert" that we enjoy as rare treats only if we've gotten our work done. (This principle must be taught by example, obviously. If you're preaching about work but spend all day on Netflix or grinding ranks in League of Legends, it won't work -- children have a keen eye for hypocrisy).
  • Dharma in the rough. Enjoying the song "Don't worry, be happy." I emphasize Buddha's parable of the two arrows in as many ways as possible. I love the beginning of this song, which goes something like: "Every life will have some trouble, but when we worry we make it double." Finding dharma in accessible pop culture that children enjoy is always like finding a diamond. I love sharing these things with the kid.
  • Not shying away from religion. We tell stories about the ancient masters, whether that's Fred Rogers, the Buddha, or Jesus. Kids love these stories, and there's a reason why the world's ancient religions are the world's ancient religions, even if human ignorance has corrupted the teachings at times. Delve back into those teachings and share them in a way that comports with whatever wisdom you have developed. My kid is five years old, and here is what he knows about "God" based on what I have told him (and this is a delicate conversation because his mom and mom's husband are scientific-materialist atheists with a nihilistic bent):
    • God is like a loving papa, a warm, loving presence that never leaves him.
    • My idea of "God" (see above) is just an idea and cannot fully capture the essence of "God" that goes beyond words or ideas or our imagination.
    • The best way to know if somebody really knows God is to tell them that their idea of "God" is stupid and see how they react. If they laugh, there's a chance they know God. If they respond with kindness, there's a chance they know God. If they get angry, they do not know God (as I have defined him). (He then told me my idea of God was stupid, and I told him: "Well done.") (N.B.: This may be terrible advice, but somehow I was moved to share it...)
  • Growth mindset. If you're not familiar with the concept of "growth mindset," I recommend Carol Dweck's book by this name. Carol is a Stanford researcher who has studied two mindset archetypes -- growth and fixed mindsets. Growth mindset is the belief that our qualities are not fixed, and we can grow through right effort and diligence. Fixed mindset is the belief that our qualities are fixed at birth, and we cannot change them. These mindsets fall along a spectrum, and one person may apply different mindsets to different areas of their life (intelligence, athletic ability, artistic ability). Research has consistently shown that fixed mindsets lead to negative outcomes, and growth mindsets lead to positive outcomes. Here is an example of the different mindsets expressed as statements. Preaching growth mindset is transformative. Failures and mistakes become a celebration for learning. "Being good" is de-emphasized: applying practice and effort toward a goal is cherished. It gives the household a chance to rally around the idea of constant growth, individually and as a family.
  • Family dinners. A great ritual to emphasize the family values. We aim to always share our "rose and thorn" of the day, state one thing we're all grateful for, explain an act of kindness that we performed, and talk about a mistake we made and what we learned from it. Depending on the night, the kid might be more or less in the mood to share, but again, a great time to emphasize values.

    Anyhow, just some ideas for you based on my experience and practice with this bit of dharma. :)
u/TorsionFree · 4 pointsr/getdisciplined

If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading Carol Dweck's Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She and her research lab have found that the attitude you describe - fear of judgment, aversion to risk, need to look smart at all costs, etc. - stems from a mindset that believes one's intelligence is "fixed," that some people are just able to succeed while others are not. She traces the consequences and, more importantly, alternatives to that mindset as well as ways it can be changed.

The upshot odds to reframe your inner conversation away from fixed-intelligence ideas like identity ("this is just who I am"), failure ("failing reflects poorly on me as a person") and judgment ("I need to look good at all costs"), and replace them with narratives that focus on personal development like growth ("this is what I did and how it will help me better myself"), learning ("failing provide me the necessary opportunity to learn"), and progress ("I need to improve at all costs").

I'm in education, and the work of Dweck and her collaborators on this has been very influential in reforming how many of us think about teaching, especially teaching students who don't believe they are capable of learning. It's an inspirational and accessible read, definitely worth your time.

u/momentary_mori · 4 pointsr/suspiciouslyspecific

Get ahead of it. Read "Mindset" by Carol Dweck, or if that's too long start here.

tl;dr If you catch yourself thinking "I put in absolutely no work" again, you can choose to think "I haven't challenged myself as much as I could. I will try not to miss out on opportunities to learn in the future" instead. You'll have a better time going through life believing that effort brings success, that failing does not make you a failure, and that it is best to seek opportunities to grow and learn and challenge yourself rather than seeking out tasks which are already easy. And you are free to choose to believe that starting now, your past doesn't have a death grip on your future.

u/actusual · 4 pointsr/math

This seems like an unfortunate and debilitating mental blocker, and I don't think the question "is there a career for me?" is going to help you.

So, is there a career for you? Maybe, if you work for it. Are there career paths that you are well positioned for? Almost certainly, but you probably have to work to get all the way there; and that's okay. Anyone who eventually achieves some level of career success struggles with this.

It's important to rememeber that almost no one is well equipped immediately out of college to start a massively succesful career, unless they are willing to get kicked around a bit and learn how to work hard independently for it. So, there might be a grad program, but even then, once you graduate, you'll STILL have to work hard for it. Do you think you're attitude is going to magically change between now and then? Or, are you going to start working toward changing your attitude now?

Go read Mindset: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_H65WAbSR66CMK

u/liyana_ · 4 pointsr/GirlGamers

I've been reading this book Mindset by Carol Dweck, and there was a chapter that referenced women in STEM programs.

Essentially, her theory is that there are two types of people. Those who look at the world as though they can learn from their experience and get better at things through hard work (growth mindset), and there are those who think that the world is fixed. You either have it or you don't (fixed mindset).

Dweck says that people with fixed mindsets in programs where they are minorities will struggle more to persevere when the going gets tough. In other words, throughout their lives, these women have had to battle with stereotypes that say they are just not as good as men in these fields. When they struggle, instead of pushing through, they are more susceptible to letting the stereotype conquer them.

Here's the passage:

> Aside from hijacking people’s abilities, stereotypes also do damage by making people
feel they don’t belong. Many minorities drop out of college and many women drop out of math
and science because they just don’t feel they fit in.

> To find out how this happens, we followed college women through their calculus course.
This is often when students decide whether math, or careers involving math, are right for them.
Over the semester, we asked the women to report their feelings about math and their sense of
belonging in math. For example, when they thought about math, did they feel like a full-fledged
member of the math community or did they feel like an outsider; did they feel comfortable or did
they feel anxious; did they feel good or bad about their math skills?

>The women with the growth mindset—those who thought math ability could be
improved—felt a fairly strong and stable sense of belonging. And they were able to maintain this
even when they thought there was a lot of negative stereotyping going around. One student
described it this way: “In a math class, [female] students were told they were wrong when they
were not (they were in fact doing things in novel ways). It was absurd, and reflected poorly on
the instructor not to ‘see’ the students’ good reasoning. It was alright because we were working
in groups and we were able to give & receive support among us students. . . . We discussed our
interesting ideas among ourselves.”

> The stereotyping was disturbing to them (as it should be), but they could still feel
comfortable with themselves and confident about themselves in a math setting. They could fight

> But women with the fixed mindset, as the semester wore on, felt a shrinking sense of
belonging. And the more they felt the presence of stereotyping in their class, the more their
comfort with math withered. One student said that her sense of belonging fell because “I was
disrespected by the professor with his comment, ‘that was a good guess,’ whenever I made a
correct answer in class.”

> The stereotype of low ability was able to invade them—to define them—and take away
their comfort and confidence. I’m not saying it’s their fault by any means. Prejudice is a deeply
ingrained societal problem, and I do not want to blame the victims of it. I am simply saying that
a growth mindset helps people to see prejudice for what it is—someone else’s view of them—and
to confront it with their confidence and abilities intact.

Just like Dweck says, it's presumptuous to say that this is the reason that students are leaving your program. Perhaps they felt they did fit into the program fine and left because they found something else they were more passionate about. But if you really think this is a gender issue, I recommend this book and maybe even a workshop for some of your faculty. (Addressing this her way would be good for all of your students- not just the women)

Sorry for the wall of text!

TL;DR: Being a minority might mean that they feel like they don't belong in this specialty, and you may have to groom your staff to respond to this threat in a way that would be beneficial to all students and not just women.

u/AwesomeKillerKevin · 4 pointsr/europe

May I recommend a book?

u/geargirl · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Cited works:

u/AsensibleAhole · 4 pointsr/AskEngineers

We could go back and forth with studies saying one thing or another... But If you are truly curious, I'd like to recommend a book that might change your mind.


u/pman5595 · 3 pointsr/INTP

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0345472322

It's the most important book I've ever read and I wish I had read it sooner.

u/skuIIdouggery · 3 pointsr/learnprogramming

If you have the time, I highly recommend reading these two books:

  1. Make It Stick
  2. Mindset

    The first is a book about studying techniques and covers common misconceptions as well as some pretty solid advice for learning. The second book focuses on ...well, the mindset needed to progress in learning (among other things) and made it onto Bill Gates' book recommendation list either last year or the year before.

    If you get through both, you'll have learned how to learn, which'll be helpful to you very generally as well as in your effort to learn programming. Best of luck to you.
u/tastingcopperx · 3 pointsr/college

There is no magic bullet here, I'm afraid, and the sooner you realize this for yourself, the easier it will be.
What you're experiencing is a very common problem and you're not the only one struggling with it. What you should focus on is learning /how/ to learn. This will require trial and error and it will take some time.

I want to point you to some resources which have helped me to start overcoming this mindset.

(Unfortunately because I'm on mobile the links won't look very nice but I'll try to clean them up later if I have time)

A Reddit comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/nxdzz/im_not_as_smart_as_i_thought_i_was/c3d91jl

A blog all about effective study habits and developing them - http://calnewport.com/blog/2009/03/30/4-weeks-to-a-40-adopt-an-autopilot-schedule-and-a-sunday-ritual/

A book which talks about the mindset we're in and how we can change it - http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

I wish I were more eloquent and could write wonderful, inspiring comment myself. Just know that you're not alone and that this is not a dead end road. You can definitely push yourself and you'll end up with that high GPA again.

u/airandfingers · 3 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

For me, this chapter was like a blast from the recent past, since I read Carol Dweck's Mindset just months ago. Interestingly, in her book Dweck never uses the terms "entity theory" and "incremental theory"; she calls them the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset." If this chapter piqued your interest, then I strongly recommend Mindset, it's one of my favorite books of the last year. If a one-hour talk is more up your alley, here's her talk at Google.

> Which approach to learning do you recall being taught in your childhood? Were you taught different approaches in different areas, or by different people?

I definitely demonstrated a fixed mindset throughout high school, and earlier. I almost never studied, half-assed homework, and generally did the bare minimum necessary to get by with a B. I also bragged about this lack of effort to friends, whose surprise would give me an ego boost that (in retrospect) made me even less likely to put in effort on future assignments. I don't really recall who taught me this attitude toward learning, but that's no surprise, as my memory is really fuzzy in general.

> Are there any ways that you currently demonstrate the entity theory of intelligence/fixed mindset? How can you shift your attitude toward the incremental theory of intelligence/growth mindset?

My usual reaction to difficult/intractable/tricky problems in my work is to get frustrated; my go-to analogy is "banging my head against the wall." Next time this happens, I'll do my best to think of the situation as a learning opportunity - a chance to learn to stay calm, take focused breaks to minimize frustration, and solve these problems more directly rather than procrastinating them or getting sloppy.

u/Duffer · 3 pointsr/changemyview

>I don't think it's controversial to say that talent and raw intelligence are mostly innate, with the learning environment also playing a significant part. While it is possible to become wiser through experience, I don't think it is possible to significantly improve your mental abilities.

It's been proven that you can improve your mental abilities, just as an athlete improves their physical abilities.


Dr. Dweck's research at Columbia and Stanford has shown that the process of learning, and trying to learn, creates new neural pathways that grows your proficiency and intelligence in the thing you're learning. Skillful artists are made through decades of hard work and dedication to continually growing their capabilities. It is no different for scholars or athletes.

As with intelligence, willpower is also something that can be changed. Dr. Dweck found that the critical issue that predominately governs a person's ability to grow (in intelligence, athletics, willpower) is the attitude (no really) they have about their growth, and how much time a person dedicates towards pursuing growth in what they are wanting to accomplish.

That's not self help drek. It's decades of scientific experimentation on children, business leaders, athletes, scholars etc..

snip, tangential


Basically: I can't change your view, but the book linked above can by going through the research with you.

u/Yert15 · 3 pointsr/medicalschool

Sounds like this book, you should check it out if you haven't. Good luck to you!

EDIT: Ah. After a nice downvote, I noticed it's mentioned in the post. Well, there's the mentioned book.

u/Leisureguy · 3 pointsr/wicked_edge

In the book I comment on the power of cognitive dissonance---which is quite strong---and thus the positive effects of starting the day taking time and care in doing something that is clearly for yourself: treating yourself very nicely, with the simplest way to reduce cognitive dissonance being to feel that you deserve this sort of thing: that you're worth the trouble, as it were. That leads to acting in ways that you think the sort of guy worth taking that amount of trouble would act: i.e., one starts thinking better of oneself, and then works to live up to that better image, which leads to observing oneself doing good things and accomplishing things, reconfirming the (self-)impression that one is the sort of person one respects... a virtuous circle.

The fact is that in any situation or circumstance, most people already know what they should do or the decision they should make. This little start to the day adds just enough push so that you do some of the things and make some of the decisions---and those actions start the cycle of positive feedback, which can move quickly (cf. regenerative feedback).

EDIT/Update: BTW, I think it's important that this little push toward a better view of yourself is unobtrusive---i.e., tied to a necessary daily task that you must in any case do---and is pleasurable (honey draws more flies than vinegar, and people learn faster from seeking pleasure than from avoiding pain), and (most important) daily: slow and steady will gradually start the ball rolling. It may take a while to get going, but once it starts, it does pick up speed because of the self-reinforcing (regenerative) nature of the process. Carol Dweck talks about this in the book Mindset (and see also Mindset Online).

u/AXELBAWS · 3 pointsr/getdisciplined

This is actually something I know how to do!

It is true that failure will help and strengthen you but you will still avoid it. You need to ask yourself WHY you are afraid of failing. Is it not being able to save face? Probably not.

Many of us unfortunately (subconsciously maybe?) believe that our results reflect our ABILITIES, not our PERFORMANCE. By always seeing results as an reflection of your performance will not only get over fear of failure, but also WANT TO do your best as you want to know how good you can get.

"How do I change my mindset?"

I would recommend you to do one thing. Read this book:


Edit: Realized my writing is shit, but it is OK cuz that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a bad writer!

u/YouAreSalty · 3 pointsr/xboxone

I suggest then that you two read the two following books



Suggested by MS CEO, Satya Nadella. I read them, and they solidified a lot of things that were helpful in dealing with issues like this.

u/alphabezier · 3 pointsr/xxfitness

The skating example in the article reminded me of the book Mindset. It describes two types of mindsets - fixed and growth. Where those with a 'fixed' mindset stick to things they are good at already, are afraid of failing or not knowing things, etc. And those with a 'growth' mindset are willing to try new things and learn from experiences even when they're not instantly successful at something.

u/greevous00 · 3 pointsr/funny

EXACTLY. Any doctor who's annoyed by a patient caring about their health enough to learn something about potential conditions with similar symptoms isn't a very good doctor.

All such doctors need to be forced to read this book. They're literally living a lie every day where they're reinforcing in their own minds how "special" they are, and at some point some patient is going to die because of their refusal to acknowledge that others can contribute.

u/peronium1 · 3 pointsr/uwaterloo

Not sure if fully related to your situation, but when I struggled with school I was recommended this book from my counsellor:

The short of it is that you either think you know everything already and are reaching a limit, or you come to internalize that you are able to grow and overcome challenges with time, hard work, and the right support.

u/organizedfellow · 2 pointsr/Entrepreneur

Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)


u/spyWspy · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

You aren't being fair to yourself. It sounds like you are putting effort in, and not getting the grades you are used to. Effort is the most important part. Make sure your parents know that you are working at it.

Study skills are also learned. You can learn them and improve. There are lots of methods, and you don't need to know them all. Try different ones on for size, and see which ones work for you.

Here is one that intrigues me:

Learn about the growth mindset:

Link: http://amzn.com/0345472322

u/darktoku · 2 pointsr/booksuggestions

Mindset by Carol Dweck - It rekindled my desire to try new things and remove all the limiting beliefs that the society or we have set for ourselves over the years.

u/fukenhippie · 2 pointsr/AMA

My adivce is to take action. Not doing anything will make you feel worse. /r/keto is a great place to get help working on your body. I have seen amazing results in there. Also a book that I highly recommend Mindset. If you don't feel comfortable talking to anybody at least take small steps in a positive direction. Lots of small steps add up to big achievements. Work on the things that you have under your control, yourself.

u/misplaced_my_pants · 2 pointsr/bestof

Well that's another way that a parent can compensate, but it's not always enough. A private school won't "fix" a kid who won't do the work or doesn't care about his education. Even within private schools, you have this stratification of bad students to great students.

There's a ton of stuff that you as a parent are uniquely positioned to do that can have a huge impact on your kids' future health and happiness, some things that are obvious and others less so.

I'd highly recommend at least reading Dweck's book before dismissing her findings.

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/Advice

I understand your fears. My parents did so many things wrong and I was scared about making the same mistakes and pressured myself hard to make better and different choices with my kid.

I can tell you that you won't make the same mistakes. What other parents told me (before I was parent) was the fact that if I'm even worried about it now, I will already make me a better parent. Shitty parents don't worry about stuff like this.

I would suggest probably getting some therapy to work out whatever fears/issues you have before having kids. I started therapy when my kid was 2 because I was struggling (they're 13 now) because I didn't feel confident in what I was doing. Honestly, I don't know any parent that feels 100% confident, but you can feel like you're doing a pretty good job.

Children need to feel that they can succeed through their own efforts. This is why helicopter parenting is really detrimental. If you never let them strike out on their own, how will they learn and grow from their mistakes and choices? How will they gain confidence when they overcome an obstacle and succeed if you're doing everything for them?

Your kids will always need your help. Your job is to help them realize that through learning, natural consequences, and internal validation, they can and will be successful, capable, and confident adults.

I really liked these parenting books here:


And this one: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723615&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset

And this one here (and I'd still recommend it to parents of boys as well. Doesn't matter if you have only boys): https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/0553393073/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723655&sr=1-1&keywords=untangled

This is also a really interesting read and has helped me as well: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+child+whisperer&sprefix=The+Child+whis%2Cstripbooks%2C139&crid=26CCWQN87K6MP

Also a therapy technique called Inner Bonding. Anyone can learn it and it's easy to teach to kids as well: /r/ibtherapy.

u/plato_thyself · 2 pointsr/science

Carol Dweck explores the reasons behind this finding and others in her terrific book mindset. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

u/jDSKsantos · 2 pointsr/LivestreamFail

Did you mean Mindset?

u/nick92675 · 2 pointsr/hockeyplayers

someone here gave me some simple great advice just to be more confident with puck by stickhandling more. i got one of those stickhandling balls, and now whenever i am watching hockey on tv, i stickhandle. forces me to keep my head up and work on feel, and i feel better on the ice now. don't get me wrong, i still suck - but feel better about myself!

also, i saw some interview with jonathan toews where he recommended this book.


figured, if it's good enough for tazer, it's good enough for me. good stuff in there too.

u/empatheticat · 2 pointsr/socialskills

You're not incapable of being active, and you're not incapable of getting A+ grades.

You sound a little bit like me, it sounds like things came really easy for you in school before, and it sounds like you might be stuck in a "fixed-mindset", meaning you believe that people are who they are - you believe that you are "smart" and so you're disappointed now that you're falling behind and things aren't like they used to be. The opposite, and healthier mindset to have, is a growth-mindset. That means you believe anyone can learn any skill if they put effort into it. You can apply this to being active as well - you're literally capable of doing it, and you should believe that you are. This is a good read that may help you Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

Everything that is worth anything takes effort, and it sounds like you're just going through a rough time at the moment. The least you can do is just try to ride it out, because things will get better and your attitude will change. Just don't do anything now that will severely hinder your future. Coast for a while, and you'll find your motivation again eventually.

u/Likedisaster · 2 pointsr/AskMen

My immediate thought is that if you are self aware enough to recognize these tendencies then you should be mindful enough to stop that behavior. Also, that if you are involved with someone exhibiting that behavior and you speak with them about it, then find that they are not willing to think critically about themselves and how they act then no, you cannot change that person or fix the relationship. You only control yourself and your impact on the relationship.

A quick search brought me a few articles on how to heal codependant relationships. I think couples counseling would be the best approach. Learning to curb codependancy in yourself by building self confidence and strong personal boundaries when you are single so that you are able to recognize it in others when you are dating would be the best route.

I haven't read it yet, but I've seen this book Mindset: The New Psychology of Sucess recommended often to build self confidence and this book The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*uck has given me a good taste of what perspective to adopt when you're someone that allows other's wants and needs to come before your own.

u/FattyLite · 2 pointsr/cscareerquestions

I'm currently working full-time as the sole breadwinner with two kids under 3 and taking 8 credit hours towards my second bachelor's in computer science. I am exactly what you describe. My initial inclination when thinking of any task used to be "what's the bare minimum I have to do to get this over with?" I've slowly been able to change that so that I began to enjoy the journey more than the destination. I set small goals with any task and look forward to small victories instead of just the completion of the task. I know it's all cliché, but it's worked for me.

Also, I generally hate all the business and self-help books that are the latest fad. However, I highly recommend the Growth Mindset. I will take a look at this occasionally as a reminder. The book helped me change the way I view things internally and look at things as challenges and not obstacles.

u/ThereIsNoJustice · 2 pointsr/GetMotivated

First: Talent is Overrated

Whole book in short: If it were easy, everyone would've done it. Effort and deliberate going-outside-your-comfort-zone practice is what makes the difference. You make a choice: comfortable mediocrity or hard-won skill.

Second: Mindset

This one: You approach each situation with one of two mindsets. The first is the fixed mindset, where you try to prove how great you are. The second is the growth mindset, where you are learning and expanding knowledge, challenging yourself, and have nothing to prove. These ideas are less familiar, so I'll pull some quotes.

>[W]e realized that there were two meanings to ability, not one: a fixed ability that needs to be proven, and a changeable ability that can be developed through learning. That’s how the mindsets were born. I knew instantly which one I had. I realized why I’d always been so concerned about mistakes and failures. And I recognized for the first time that I had a choice. When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world—the world of fixed traits—success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other—the world of changing qualities—it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself. In one world, failure is about having a setback. Getting a bad grade. Losing a tournament. Getting fired. Getting rejected. It means you’re not smart or talented. In the other world, failure is about not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you’re not fulfilling your potential. In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort. In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented.

>I have studied thousands of people from preschoolers on, and it’s
breathtaking how many reject an opportunity to learn. We offered four-year-olds a choice: They could redo an easy jigsaw puzzle or they could try a harder one. Even at this tender age, children with the fixed mindset—the ones who believed in fixed traits—stuck with the safe one. Kids who are born smart “don’t do mistakes,” they told us. Children with the growth mindset—the ones who believed you could get smarter—thought it was a strange choice. Why are you asking me this, lady? Why would anyone want to keep doing the same puzzle over and over? They chose one hard one after another. “I’m dying to figure them out!” exclaimed one little girl. So children with the fixed mindset want to make sure they succeed. Smart people should always succeed. But for children with the growth mindset, success is about stretching themselves. It’s about becoming smarter. One seventh-grade girl summed it up. “I think intelligence is something you have to work for . . . it isn’t just given to you. . . . Most kids, if they’re not sure of an answer, will not raise their hand to answer the question. But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I’m wrong, then my mistake will be corrected. Or I will raise my hand and say, ‘How would this be solved?’ or ‘I don’t get this. Can you help me?’ Just by doing that I’m increasing my intelligence.”

>We asked people, ranging from grade schoolers to young adults, “When do you feel smart?” The differences were striking. People with the fixed mindset said: “It’s when I don’t make any mistakes.” “When I finish something fast and it’s perfect.” “When something is easy for me, but other people can’t do it.” It’s about being perfect right now. But people with the growth mindset said: “When it’s really hard, and I try really hard, and I can do something I couldn’t do before.” Or “[When] I work on something a long time and I start to figure it out.” For them it’s not about immediate perfection. It’s about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.

>You can see how the belief that cherished qualities can be developed creates a passion for learning. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.

u/whatisinitforme · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

> Some of my reasons behind this are:
a) somebody has already done what I want to do, some people are extremely successful at it, so what's the point of even starting?
b) I can only start if i know what I do will be absolutely perfect/successful
c) what if people judge me or don't like me or what I do?
d) what if I fail?

From your reasons, it sounds like you have a fixed mindset. I recommend you buy the book Mindest: The New Psychology of Success, and read it as a start. It's okay if you fail and are not absolutely perfect/successful. The basic idea is here.

I can't help you with everything, but you're pretty young, and you will get there. For real though, read this.

u/dieter_the_dino · 2 pointsr/Parenting

A good resource for this is the book Mindset by Carol Dweck


u/n0_f34r · 2 pointsr/learnprogramming

This is a psychological issue more than a programming problem.

Yes, programming can very frustrating sometimes. You're not alone in that, I've seen entire teams stuck trying to figure out something "trivial" they've overlooked. If you're trying to solve a real-world problems with a complex system (like any programming language ) it's bound to happen at some point.

IMHO, you should stop questioning whether you are a good enough programmer and learn from the situation. Did you read well the documentation? Do you understand well enough the HTTP protocol? Where you tired and frustrated when trying to solve the problem? Reflecting and learning from this will make you a better software developer than dwelling on the mistake.

The human brain and its abilities isn't something fixed, you can improve as a programmer with hard work and determination. This world view about learning is backed by science and you can read all about it in a book called Mindset.

u/NerdosaurusRex · 2 pointsr/GVSU

Also, sounds like you would benefit greatly from this book. I know it changed a lot for me


u/napparenting · 1 pointr/Parenting

Work with him on "mindset". Start with this book Mindset by Carol Dweck

There are also some mindset curriculum/textbooks for kids. A relatively new science, and good info for anyone to have.

u/windywelli · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:

I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.

I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.

As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.

In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.

This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).

With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.

In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:

  • Performance anxiety/perfectionism
  • Extreme procrastination
  • Difficulty focusing
  • Problems with timings and organisation

    There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.

    Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):

    Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.

    As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.

    Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.

    My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.

    I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.

    What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.

    As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.

    With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.

    When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.

    The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').

    Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.

    I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.

    But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.

    It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.

    If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).

    As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:

    If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.

    Here's a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOSFxKaqOm4

    Then here: https://blog.zenkit.com/a-beginners-guide-to-getting-things-done-3cc1a5123b98

    Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):

    Mindset by Carol Dweck


    Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath


    Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday


    Principles: Life and Work

u/gregantic · 1 pointr/GetMotivated

Yep! This is further discussed in Carol Dweck's book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

u/sp0radic · 1 pointr/Drugs

You should make sure your daily caloric deficit isn't too high percentage wise, because your activity + intake alone could cause a lot of these problems.

I can relate to the "driven to self improvement frenzy" and your post brings a few books to mind that might help your situation/outlook.

The Power of Now


The Power of Habit

u/antifoo · 1 pointr/AskReddit

This is where I first heard about it (nice high level discussion of the topic).

Edit: Here is the actual paper, and as noted by others, there's also a book by one of the authors (Carol Dweck): Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

u/jcorkern · 1 pointr/politics

> I'm just really sick and damn tired of hearing about how minimum wage workers don't "deserve" to make a wage they can get by on, because someone is going to have to take up the slack, either the government or their employer. "

I got by and excelled because I think differently, that is the only difference. You lean on excuses, I lean on my ability to work and save no matter what the job pays. I can take that small seed money and make it grow into a mini empire of cash and income. it does not happen overnight, but over 5 years, i can grow into a multi 6 digit income after 40% in taxes.

Try reading this, and it is not an affiliate link. http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0345472322

If you read this, you will finally understand...maybe. If you think you can not afford the book, I will buy it for you. And that is a serious offer.

u/csonger · 1 pointr/AskReddit

If you see this pattern in yourself and you are not pleased about it, then here's the book for you:


I'm normally pretty skeptical about psych books, but this one is worth the read.

u/mossyskeleton · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I am in this exact sort of situation. I've come to realize that I've been considered unusually smart mostly because of the school system in which I was raised, and that they weren't entirely correct. Yes, I am smart, but that does not mean I shouldn't have to work for what I am "supposed to live up to". I could go on, but let me just say this:

Everyone here: check. out. this. book. --> "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol S Dweck, Ph.D.

And, yes, I suppose you could just read the first and last chapters and still get the point. It's worth checking out at least, especially if you are someone who thinks they aren't getting what they "deserve" out of life or aren't living up to their potential.

u/craigiest · 1 pointr/philosophy

He and anyone else having recently had the same realization need to at least skim Mindset by Carol Dweck. I had a similar epiphany several months ago after reading a NYTimes article similar to the Tribune one. Dweck has been researching this phenomenon for some time, lays it out very simply in her book, and makes it possible to act.

u/megagoosey · 1 pointr/RocketLeague

The ideas are based on the findings discussed in this book, but yeah the ideas are very commonly used in school.

Source: am teacher, been at two different campuses that were trying to implement growth mindset with students

u/epileptic_pelvis · 1 pointr/INTP

Some things I have found to be total game-changers:

Check your neurotransmitters. Try supplementing with 5-htp (precursor to serotonin) and tyrosine (precursor to dopamine). Both are OTC and both absolutely work. 5-htp improves my mood and sleep quite a bit, and tyrosine in the morning dramatically increases my motivation. If you're eating poorly because you're bummed out, it is further depleting both of these.

I asked a similar question about being an unfulfilled adult INTP, and someone recommended "Mindset" and "Your Own Worst Enemy." I read both books and they have not just been apt; they've been life-changing.

Agreed on quitting the drugs. Escaping from the root cause of your malaise will only make it worse and continue to damage your self-esteem.

Practice standing up for yourself, setting personal boundaries, and telling others exactly how you really feel, if you don't already. Let other people have their own reactions to it. Depression and anxiety often coincide with codependency. Everyone I know who was codependent had generalized anxiety, and once they started asserting themselves it went away. The more you do it the easier it gets.

Strategically remove people from your life who do not make you a better person when you spend time with them. You become more like the people you choose to surround yourself with whether you want to or not.

Also, don't get overwhelmed by the choice of "what to do with your life." Any decision you make is not final, just the step before the next step. It's okay not to know. Take a look at how you prefer to spend your free time for clues about what you're really passionate about. You can either monetize these activities or identify aspects of them that you love, and figure out careers that share those aspects.

Best o' luck!

u/crymsin · 1 pointr/aftergifted

Mindset talks about how people who were praised for being smart or gifted give up more easily than those who were praised for efforts- that’s an incredibly short summary. There are ways you can train yourself to apply more.


u/SquiresC · 1 pointr/Entrepreneur

> I stopped trading the financial markets, I stopped trying to grow a photography career all because I met obstacles

Check THIS book out.

u/Aliencorpse_ · 1 pointr/worldnews



These are really good books, please read them. You need the knowledge that these books provide. They will also have a nice byproduct of increasing your income.

> As for the Eurostat numbers you said the AfD were the leeches not the economic migrants.

Did I? You might want to double check that.

> The numbers showed that yes the migrants were leeches

The survey said that a majority of them want to work and are struggling to find it.

What's your education level?

u/Ztnepres · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

You are already at the bottom. So, it can only get better. Start by reading this:


u/LabiodentalTrill · 1 pointr/DoesAnybodyElse

>This is a massive thread so there's little chance anyone will read this...

I hate it when that happens. Yours is probably the most relevant response here so far, as it's the only one that references Stanford professor Carol Dweck's research on mindset. I hope people interested in the issues brought up in this thread will check out your link or her books directly.

u/wvtarheel · 1 pointr/motivation

Read http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322 It is a book about different mindsets and how they effect your ability to do things in your life. Her description of people that procrastinate described me perfectly.

The book helped me change my perspective on things and it didn't cure me of procrastination but it helped me a lot.

Good luck

u/tetelestia_ · 1 pointr/todayilearned

Her book is great and explains everything more thoroughly. What that quote is more referring to is kids who get stuck on the fact that school is too easy and pointless. Instead of letting the goal for those kits simply be to get all of the questions on an assignment right, she suggests parents change the focus towards figuring out what can be learned from school, outside of the prescribed assignments. Dweck isn't saying to never be proud of accomplishments, but more to remove the artificial limit of "getting all the homework questions correct" being the end goal.

The book is called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. It's definitely worth reading.
Amazon link -

u/classicalexplosive · 1 pointr/LadiesofScience

Hey guys!

I'm really sorry that I forgot to reply, but I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful insight. I'm tagging everyone in the thread as a thank you. I was doing some reading in regards to believing in yourself and positive psychology. A lot of how we think really translates to our reality (I believe). I found an article that best summarizes what I've been reading lately https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/how-build-your-belief-in-yourself
I would also like to recommend a book if anyone has time to read it. It's called Growth Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck. https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
My sister is starting a pre-med program at WSU and we are both reading this book together as a way to help our mindsets.
Although I wish I had a very indestructible mindset, sometimes it helps to hear from others though, and I'm grateful that this is a very supportive community.

/u/Khem_kid, /u/Pimms_and_Patellas, /u/samariam, /u/skleats, /u/fourcolortheorem, /u/FederalReserveNote, /u/chefsarecursed.

Also /u/prematurealzheimers and /u/knowuow, I was at the one at UCLA :). We might have crossed paths via that web broadcast thing haha

u/DogDay · 1 pointr/psychology

Love it. I've been reading Mindset over the past few weeks and it's really changed how I talk to my 8 year-old son about his school work.

Couple this book with The Learning Habit if you're raising young students.

u/zmorrisornot · 1 pointr/socialskills

I cannot stand the word 'loser' when describing someone. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, no matter who you are, who your parents are, where you're born, etc. Everyone has their own problems that need to be worked on

Do what you gotta do man, and you'll make it. Do the engineering for sure

> I will have to take remedial math and I feel I may be to dumb for it.

^ 100% read this book, it will change your whole attitude for this. My personal opinion is there's no such thing as being smart or dumb, but instead how much effort you put in https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

> I have no friends either.

^ Once you start studying there will be peeps there :) whenever you do something new you meet new people. You can make friends everywhere!

Good luck man, you've got massive potential!

u/bcollins33 · 1 pointr/getdisciplined

On the question of whether it is factually accurate, check out this fantastic (and science-backed) resource: http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

u/abstractpickupartist · 1 pointr/seduction

> How do you grow self esteem when you can't get laid

By having an amazing job, cool hobbies and passions, and great friends! You sounds pretty awesome.

> This is a vicious circle, though

No, it's a dead end. You can't get out of the trap by thinking about it the way you are thinking about it.

Look, I'm a random guy on the internet, I don't know you, but if I had to guess, I'd say that you are looking for a woman to validate that you are a good person. "If they reject me, I'm a bad/failed person. If they accept me, I'm a success". This is not a good way to think about it. (and yes, you can choose how you think about it).

This "frame" makes every loss painful, personal, it can make you angry - because you are thinking of each date as an evaluation of you as a person - while the girl just thinks she's just out on a date. This kind of relates: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Framing_effect_(psychology).

And then when you go on dates, you are wary of getting hurt (understandably), and maybe angry (also understandable), but it's not her job to care, she's not a friend (yet) - she can just tell you are defensive, and angry. Two nopes, she's gone.

So, the world's not gonna change, but you can. (you're an awesome guy, you can do this. Read this, if you need to: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322)

But if you think of each interaction as a gift - more than you had before. Then instead of being angry, you had another success, you are happy, ready to tackle another one. To get better. You went on a date, +1. The discussion went well, +1. She responded, instead of ghosting you. +1. You realize half the guys here aren't doing as well as you?

Think of it as a fucking video game (pun intended). The more points you get, the more achievements you unlock. (Panties: unlocked!). Go collect as many points as you can, and recognize your successes, count your points, it will motivate you - just like playing a video game.

u/Kemah · 1 pointr/AskWomen

Hi - hope you're doing well! Following up on this chain here.


I read this book recently, and it has been extremely helpful in my continued growth. I was kinda turned off by the title originally (thought it sounded TOO self-help for my taste), but it was recommended to me so strongly that I got curious and read it through.


The author identified the exact mindset I had previously and shows how poisonous it is, and goes onto explain how negative patterns of thought can be avoided. Simply being aware of how the fixed mindset and growth mindset are different from one another, and how much of a void the fixed mindset can lead to, has been extremely beneficial to my life. I highly recommend reading it! If you're more of a fan of watching rather than reading, this video (5m3s long) gives a good rundown of the two mindsets that people tend to have and this video (9m37s long) is a talk by the author herself about developing healthier patterns of thought. Hope this helps 🙂

u/wat5isthis · 1 pointr/52book

Mindset is a book that has completely changed how people perceive self-improvement, and that's not an exaggeration. This book is extremely well-known and often referenced, and it's possible you know of it already. Probably in the top 3 most life-changing self-improvement books out there.

Leadership and Self-Deception is a very engaging read, and its goal is to help you see relationships with friends, coworkers and employees as they are, not how you think they are. It helps you "get outside of the box" that you see the world through, and stop the cycle of self-justification that many people have. Highly recommend reading it.

u/frostpudding · 1 pointr/infj

I'm not one for non-fiction, but I had to read this in high school and really enjoyed it.


u/ZempTime · 1 pointr/DotA2

Oh man, this looks like its directly from Mindset, by Carol Dweck. Absolutely fantastic book. Definitely recommend reading it. Getting these ideas in front of kindergarteners? I so support this

u/Whats_Up_Breaux · 1 pointr/AskMen

Among a few other things, because this is something I personally struggled with...





u/daversa · 1 pointr/AskReddit

That basically sums up this book.

u/mfmbcpman · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I highly recommend the book Mindset I'm reading it now. There are two mindsets: growth and fixed. You're suffering of the fixed mindset that intelligence and achievement cannot be improved. The book gives numerous examples of how effort is everything and by putting yourself into the growth mindset you can accomplish anything.

u/igirard · 1 pointr/SIBSummer13

Mindset, by Carol Dweck, is an amazing book on the "psychology of success" and the importance of simply recognizing/believing in our own ability to grow and develop our skills.


u/FriskyTurtle · 1 pointr/fatlogic

Are you also a fan of Carol Dweck?

u/you_are_marvelous · 1 pointr/MentalHealthSupport

This has less to do with routine and more to do with your "all or nothing" black/white thinking. That's what needs to be approached differently.

Sounds like you have some mental OCD issues (repetitive thoughts that come in and/or thoughts that stay and you go down a rabbit hole of every possible outcome).

My advice for learning how to be balanced: www.innerpathways.org

You'd need to shift yourself from being in a fixed mindset to a growth mindset as well. And there's a book on that: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

u/Ironicalogical · 1 pointr/nfl

That quote is a classic summary of open mindset vs. closed mindset people.

I recommend the classic book, it applies to anyone, any profession, any hobby, whatever https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

u/MasterMorality · 1 pointr/intj

First, it's good that you've gotten to this point early in your career. I took me many years.

Second read this book.

u/propellercollective · 1 pointr/college

I, too, was in remedial math when I first started college. Two recommendations: (1) Find the best math professor there is at your school - you need a great teacher. (2) Check out this book from your local library: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322. Cultivate your mindset - you CAN pass remedial math and you WILL pass remedial math, but it's a step-by-step process and it's going to be hard work. You're not inherently "bad" at math. Don't let this one thing stand in your way of achieving your dreams. (3) When you do get back into a math class, check out https://www.khanacademy.org/ for free video tutorials on the topics you are studying for some extra help.

u/tshadley · 1 pointr/askphilosophy

> I have huge huge fear of studying and examinations

If you're like many (myself included), that fear is a fear of failure. But here the psychology of mindsets might be practically useful (while being a little off-topic to philosophy). Carol Dweck's popular book derived from research at Stanford, isolates fear of failure as a fixed mindset that fears that one doesn't have fundamentally what it takes to succeed. In contrast, the growth mindset sees all challenges as an opportunity for growth; failure is actually an opportunity to learn and grow, not a setback.

Fear of failure can be rational as you note; a failed test and poor grade is a possible outcome. But the true fear is that one's worth will be entirely summed up by a low grade. That is an irrational fear. A failed test says nothing about your true capacity, it only shows where you can now improve and cultivate your abilities with more effort.

u/voraciti · 1 pointr/heroesofthestorm

I agree with the changing your mindset part...in fact, I'd highly recommend a book I just finished titled, appropriately, "Mindset". It talks about failure fixation, learning to focus on improvement, and some tips for shifting mindsets. Basically it covers this exact topic and has some good science behind it that I think helps sell the ideas to skeptics.


u/Edgar_Allan_Rich · 0 pointsr/seduction

I know exactly where you are coming from man. I follow the same exact line of thinking, but I get laid plenty.

I see the logic: If you have nothing to say, it feels fake (disingenuous, insincere) to initiate a conversation with a stranger. If you aren't outgoing, it seems fake (artificial) to act outgoing. You feel like you shouldn't have to (or want to) act disingenuous, insincere, and artificial for the sake of getting laid. There is cognitive dissonance to this; /r/seduction says we have to self-realize and be genuine in order to create quality relationships, but at the same time it encourages us to better ourselves (in our case, be outgoing, have interesting things to say, and seemingly stick our noses in other people's business despite our resignation about it). It is literally impossible for a person to be who they are while simultaneously changing who they are.

...or so it seems.

Here are a few points:

  • You sound depressed. Seriously explore this if you have not already.
  • You are thinking too black and white (I know, that's the logical, literal thing to do). Try to understand that people, including yourself, are dynamic and there is lots of grey area to life. The grey area is EXACTLY where the successful player lives. Explore this.
  • You have what's called a "set" mindset. The opposite of that is a "growth" mindset. You can change this. Check out this book
  • You can improve yourself without changing who you are fundamentally. This is where people keep talking about social skills as being learnable skills. Like martial arts or something. You don't start out as a ninja, but after years of practice you eventually become one by definition. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to practice and it's uncomfortable.
  • You truly can fake it if you want, but it's a lot harder that way. Matter of fact, what most people here fail to ever state is that most attempts at seduction are made strictly for the sake of getting laid, and are therefore completely disingenuous. Makes no sense, right? That goes against everything books like 'Models' stand for. But guess what? It still works! This, again, is where people keep talking about social skills as being learnable skills. Fake it 'til you make it.

    You can utilize that logical side of you to get ahead in your lovelife:

  • Examine your priorities: What is TRULY important to you? If it's getting laid, and you are not getting laid, then clearly something MUST change for you to realize your endeavors. The same goes for anything you pursue in life. Want banana...don't have banana...must reach hand toward banana. If you would rather be lazy than reach your hand out then clearly we know where your priorities lie. Seduction is rarely a case where you can have your cake and eat it too.
  • Think of social skills as something you can learn rather than something that is innate or static.
  • You seem a bit self-centered. If you have no interest in people (genuine interest in who they are) then you literally cannot genuinely get to know them. You must change this and become interested in others. We cannot tell you how to do this. If you want a girlfriend then you must get to know her. In order to get to know her you must want to get to know her. If you don't want to get to know her, you will never have her.
  • No one says you have to go for every hot girl. Some just may not pique your interest. There's no reason to go for them for a guy like you. But I guarantee there have been women in your life, even in passing, who you have had a true interest in getting to know. Perhaps they are few and far between, and that's okay. In fact, it's even better. It puts you in the role of the chooser. If 99 hot girls walk by and none pique your genuine interest then that's okay. But when that 100th girl walks by and you feel that feeling, then THAT is the moment you lock eye contact, smile, and approach. It will feel real. It will be real. You will have real questions to ask her. You will have real things to say to her. The more you do this, the more successful you will become at seduction and the more often your interest will be piqued.
  • In regards to feeling like you have nothing to say, just talk anyway. It may feel awkward at first, but that's what growth is all about. Remember, other people see things from their own perspective. Most of people's brain power is being used up worrying about themselves anyway, so, the majority of the time, momentary awkwardness either doesn't get noticed at all or just floats away as fast as it appeared.
  • Speaking of perspective, always remember that people are only interested in what you have to offer them. If you have nothing to offer then you are shit out of luck. This is why self-improvement is pushed so hard here. The first thing I think you should learn to offer women is how to have a genuine interest in them. People love it when others truly want to get to know them. The problem is, before you can have an interest in others you're going to have to focus inward and gain an interest in yourself.

    I hope you figure this stuff out. If it's going to happen then your mindset must change just like mine had to change. Get help if you have to. Cheers.
u/Diamons · -5 pointsr/nyc

You say you want something but you immediately put yourself out of the race. Read the first few chapters of http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322/ and you'll learn why your mentality is toxic both to you and the people around you