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Reddit mentions of No More Mr. Nice Guy

Sentiment score: 35
Reddit mentions: 65

We found 65 Reddit mentions of No More Mr. Nice Guy. Here are the top ones.

No More Mr. Nice Guy
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Found 65 comments on No More Mr. Nice Guy:

u/A_Crazy_Hooligan · 382 pointsr/AskMen

It’s men who think being nice to a woman is the way into her pants. Typically, they are only nice to people they want something from. That’s why a lot of people view them as manipulative as well. This is usually due to the “nice guy” not wanting to sexualize the women, often in an effort to try to set themselves apart. Problem is, they forget women are sexual too and don’t necessarily disqualify someone for being insinuative. No sexual tension(I’m using the phrase loosely) means no attraction. They don’t realize this and because they were nice and expected sex in return, they lash out.

I think that’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing the term.

Edit: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

u/ManForReal · 81 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.

HURK. That sorta defines enmeshment.

DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.

You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.

His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.

Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.

u/fadedblackleggings · 32 pointsr/offmychest

If you care about him help him pay for therapy. And get him to read "No More Mr. Nice guy"!. He needs to find strength outside of you and the resolve to live his own life.

u/StarkUK · 23 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

Further reading for nice guys/white knights (much less accusatory and condescending than this article): http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/

u/adelie42 · 21 pointsr/quotes

According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), it is because we don't teach it. We still have feelings and needs, but often time as children we are left feeling as though feelings and needs are selfish and shameful. But because they still exist it ends up being expressed in tragic ways.

Or if it is really bad, you end up a "Nice Guy" (making secret contracts and hoping to get what you want without ever actually telling anyone what it is).

u/FoxJitter · 8 pointsr/booksuggestions

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.

These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!

u/miksedene · 7 pointsr/niceguys

Post a bit of googling:

So it seems to be a forum based around this self-help book.

Definitely not hardcore incel/ PUA (the facebook group states that misogyny and PUA techniques will not be tolerated), though admittedly, I am a bit suspicious of how the self-help stuff might be framed...particularly suspicious that it might fall back on a few toxic notions of masculinity in places.

u/WhiteTigerZimri · 7 pointsr/infp

I do think INFPs and ISFPs can get stuck in the "nice guy (TM)" stereotype because they often are passive and don't ask women out. They tend to befriend women, drop lots of subtle hints over time, and hope for the best... then when they confess feelings, they get upset if the woman isn't into them.

My recommendation is - ask women out sooner rather than later, whenever possible. Tell them you like them early on, if there is some attraction there, so you don't spend months getting your hopes up for nothing. Also remember that your emotions and feelings are your responsibility, not anyone else's. If you can't manage your emotions effectively, do some reading about emotional regulation skills and consider seeing a therapist.

For more tips, I'd recommend Dr Nerdlove's blog as he has a lot of great advice about avoiding the "nice guy (TM)" behaviour. Models by Mark Manson and No More Mr Nice Guy are a great books if you want to get better at dating women and being more assertive.

u/myexsparamour · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

>It seemed to work she left me alone after that even made me dinner...

Without condoning the exact words you said to her, it sounds like she treats you better when you stand up for yourself. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?

u/saboteursavage · 6 pointsr/AbuseInterrupted

As a man raised primarily by my mom with a mostly absent father, and raised without much other male influence here is my take on this really awesome post:

empower your male children. love their masculinity. Teach them to channel their natural aggression into healthy places. teach them that with great power/strength comes great responsibility. whatever you do don't make them hate their own maleness, their own masculinity. teach them that good men can still be masculine. Be careful about teaching them they should be "different' than their father, as children can project that belief onto all male authority figures. You will have a rebel who struggles with his own male identity and therefore struggles to understand his "place" in the world, and in relationships.

Source

u/koolpool81 · 6 pointsr/sweden

Kan bara tala för mig själv, men det som har hjälpt mig när livet varit som tuffast är att se framåt och börja sätta upp mål att bygga mot. Om du börjar nu kan du bli vem fan du vill om 3 år. Ja, det kommer vara tufft på vägen, men om du inte har något att se fram emot eller att sträva emot blir det lätt att man känner att allt är meningslöst. Där du är nu kommer du inte vara för evigt, även det kommer gå över.

Men du kan alltid börja om. Ditt förflutna är inte samma sak som din framtid. Du kan börja om NU. Du kan bestämma vem du vill bli och vem du vill vara och bli den personen nu, oavsett ditt förflutna. Du kan bestämma dig för att aldrig svika någon igen, du kan bestämma dig för att leva efter dina principer och bli en person som du kan känna stolthet för istället för skam. Tro mig, jag har varit i total misär men har idag lyckats vända livet helt och lever ett liv få förunnat. Du kan också göra detta, men det börjar med att du bestämmer dig.

Vad som fungerar för dig kanske är något helt annat. Men för min del bestämde jag mig för att ta tag i min hälsa och självrespekt. Jag började sakta men säkert förändra mina dåliga vanor och började med bra vanor. Meditation, bra sömn och kost samt träning är några klassiska exempel som är ack så effektiva för att förändra ens självkänsla och syn på världen.

Det finns även böcker som hjälpt mig på vägen och nu vet jag inte om du är i tillstånd att läsa, men några exempel på böcker som hjälpt mig enormt är:

​

No more mr nice guy

The power of now

Unlimited power

​

Jag hoppas du tar dig på fötter igen, tro det eller ej men världen behöver dig. Det är också ofta personer som har "hit rock bottom" som tar sig upp igen som är mest lämpade för att göra världen till en bättre plats och hjälpa andra. Bara att du tar dig tid att skriva den här posten tyder på att det finns en del av dig som är redo att ta tag i situationen. Du är bara i ett jävligt negativt tillstånd just nu, och då känns det som att allting suger, även framtiden. Detta är bara en illusion som du kan ta dig ur, och när du är ute kommer du kunna se tillbaka på det och förstå precis vad jag menar nu. Jag tror på dig.

u/rocknrollchuck · 5 pointsr/RPChristians

>I don't want to make this a huge story. I am someone that once had the word "atheist" tattooed to me (later got it covered up). But for some reason, God had mercy for me. I don't know why. He, I believe, and I cannot say with certainty that it was most definitely God, but something very majestic appeared to me, like nothing you've never seen before. And slowly, I was led to Jesus and taking faith in Jesus as my savior.

​

Amen!

​

>You guys probably don't believe me.

​

Why wouldn't I believe you? Many of us here have seen God do amazing things in our lives.

​

>So now I am reading the bible, and I find out that sex outside of marriage is truly a sin in the eyes of god. I've asked god to bring me a good wife. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's even possible to find the kind of woman I truly want.

​

It IS possible. Our FOR SINGLES section of the Sidebar has many articles that can help you vet well for a quality Christian woman.

​

>My mother is basically as good a woman as you can get. She is a devout christian. Lost her virginity to my dad. Very loyal, empathetic, and submissive.

​

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will answer a lot of things for you.

​

>When I hear stuff like that, it just makes not want to ever bother with women again.

​

Well, the New Testament makes it clear that the Single life is preferable for those who can live it. Doesn't sound like that's what you really want though.

​

>Because I can't stand the thought of some women taking my wealth into account. I am wealthy, and the thought of a woman taking that into account when dealing with me just brings enormous anger within me.

>The point is I want to be loved for my essence, not my money. The point is we make a choice to love each other and we have faith god will help take care for us as we need. Don't have faith in money, have faith in God.

​

Then show yourself to be a guy who has his act together and is stable financially, but keep the extent of your wealth private until your wedding night.

​

>I'm just venting, I guess. There's no where else to really talk about religious stuff. If I talk about religion with my friends, they think it's funny I am now a Christian. They rather listen to Elon Musk about us living in a computer simulation. That's their god.

​

That's why we're here. This is a perfectly appropriate place to discuss these things.

​​

>I'm just wondering if anyone has found a woman that doesn't care about money? I've hung out with a lot of girls, and somewhere along the line, they slip up and you see how much they care about money, even when they initially claim they don't care about money at all. I just can't take it.

​

My wife is very frugal. I'm the spender, she's the saver. If it wasn't for her we'd never have any money, but if it wasn't for me we'd never have any fun. It's a balance, but I see what you mean. You don't want a girl to marry you just so she can take advantage of your wealth.

​

The best way to ensure this is to make sure she has a good, solid, genuine faith.

u/massivewang · 5 pointsr/bjj

You know it's sad/funny but reality in that there are a lot of people who do not know how to deal with conflict, set boundaries, and clearly communicate their expectations/needs/desires etc. I certainly did not know how to at the age of 27, until I read this book which changed my life:


https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541511838&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

u/Majestic_Otter · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Please read this book

u/cjandstuff · 4 pointsr/GetMotivated

May I suggest this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 No More Mr Nice Guy. For many of us, we hate that we're the "nice guy" but don't want to be the jerk either. Read it for yourself. Take it or leave it.

u/Hatcheling · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Oh, no problem! I started with Rekindle his desire and then read No more Mr Nice Guy.

u/tbishop1966 · 3 pointsr/asktrp

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501697487&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy <---You need to read this. I am about halfway through and it has been eye opening. Time to go monk mode...workout...read...meditate (all things I need to get better at doing as well).

u/NibblyPig · 3 pointsr/bristol

Assuming you're a man, No More Mr Nice Guy (Amazon Link) is quite good as well. It has a cheesy tag line but it caters to married men who feel they're doing everything they can to please their partners and nothing seems to be working and they're at their wits end. It's a good book for any guy to read though as much of the advice will apply in the future. It talks a lot about how being selfless is not the best move in a relationship and how this behaviour of trying to fix your marriage by being 'nice' essentially is actually dishonest and destructive to it. It talks a lot about 'nice guy' behaviour as well, even people that steer well clear of being one of those kind of guys will see a few areas where it creeps in, and it explains the whole psychology behind it.

The author is a marriage counsellor and talks about things by referencing counselling cases he has worked on.

u/AchillesHead · 3 pointsr/socialskills

I didn't see it brought up yet in the sea of posts, but I wanted to bring up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a self-help book based on being an authentic you instead of a "nice guy". It is definitely worth checking out and really helped me reevaluate myself.

Non-affiliate Amazon Kindle page:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Edit: removed incorrect web link

u/QuietBadger89 · 3 pointsr/aspergers

I'm reading this book and find it helpful, maybe you might as well.

u/Iron_Man_9000 · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

Dude, something is seriously wrong, and it's your acceptance of being 2nd place in her life for so long. This is what you have direct control over. Somewhere earlier backbone would have solved some of these issues, or forced you apart.

​

Here a couple book links:

  • How to say no. This book will help keep her feeling secure and that you care about her.
  • How to deal with why you don't believe in yourself.
u/megazver · 3 pointsr/AskMen

There's a popular self-help book about it, apparently:

http://smile.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/

EDIT: Hurr durr I'm lightning fast at posting this.

u/GenConsensus · 3 pointsr/dating

>gaming groups...Anime...magic

Those hobbies are terrible for meeting/dating women.

How long have you been single? Are you just trying to fill a void?

Work on yourself, try out new hobbies: yoga, fitness, meetups.

Make some woman friends first, people you're not attracted to perse. Expand your social circle, be a fun guy.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models. See this video on how to flirt.

u/SnapshillBot · 2 pointsr/MGTOW

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u/Tangurena · 2 pointsr/AskMen

Two books that could help you figure out why you are doing this and to help stop it are:

Codependent No More.
No More Mr Nice Guy.

Part of the problem is that "nice guys" and codependents don't have good boundaries. Saying "no" is the right thing to do in many situations. The inability to say "no" gets one treated like a doormat. It is hard to stop and even years later, I still find myself being too nice or too sacrificial. So don't expect to be able to stop it with "one trick" like so many advertisements try to promote.

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/seduction

Disclaimer: Not a therapist, so any advice is just from personal experience.

I'd recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy because it sounds like you are uncomfortable bonding with men. While it might not be a miracle cure, it will at least provide you with some perspective on the reasons why you don't like to bond with other guys.

u/laurashubby2006 · 2 pointsr/Marriage

You should definitely check out the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It has great discussion for couples to go through. I am not finished with it yet, but it talks a lot about why men are emotionally stunted and has really opened up a lot of communication between my wife because of the questions in it.

​

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536866887&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+nice+guy

u/jagdecat · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

My fav

No More Mr. Nice Guy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nCRIBb1TKJEZT

The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062089803/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_kDRIBbSN7X16R

http://www.thetaoofbadass.com

These three books changed me 180 degrees.

u/sunfistkid · 2 pointsr/Divorce

No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.

Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.

My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.

Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.

Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.

In the meantime, read this book.

u/Mark8931 · 2 pointsr/infp

I'm know I'm late to the party, but I'll share a brief story.

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with some really close friends (we were 2 guys and 3 girls). We rented a cabin in a warm town, went to the pool,went for drinks, nice trip overall.

During a game (some dices with tasks to do to other players, just not the spicy ones), one of my friends got tasked with complimenting me. After a minute of thinking she told me I'm a nice guy. I wasn't sure why but I felt offended at that and it stuck in my head for a while.

After some thought and research, I found the book No More Mr Nice Guy (100% recommend it if you feel you are nice to people and don't get recognition for that).

Basically, sometimes when I thought I was been "nice", I was been manipulative from other's perspective. I expected others to return the favor and be nice to me without me making that clear; in my head there was a sort of contract between us after I did something for them, but only in my head. It seems like it should be common sense that I want others to be nice to me; but common sense is the least common of senses.

It's possible to be too nice. Offering help to people makes them feel indebted, which some don't like, and if I'm not clear what I expect in return, it can also make them uncomfortable. I used to go out of my way to find ways to help others, particularly if it was a girl I like, and didn't understand why they didn't like me back. I now know that being nice and feeling attracted to someone are not mutually inclusive; and people can resent you if you don't communicate properly what is it you want from them. Getting mad at other for not understanding doesn't help either.

​

From the book I learned that being nice and trying to fix other people's live so they'd like me are very different things. You cannot make others happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with others. Tough in all honesty, it still takes some effort to put into practice. Pay more attention to becoming a happy person, you can attract more people into your life.

​

I'm not sure if my situation is close or not to yours, but the lesson is you can still be nice while also paying less attention to being nice to others and instead being nice to yourself first.

u/STEVEHOLT27 · 2 pointsr/dating

Copied and reposted from my comment further up the thread:

Let's cut through the vague descriptions from internet strangers and link you to the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539103996&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy

TLDR: It's not your fault that you have "nice guy syndrome," but being a "nice guy" isn't actually "nice" for you or the people you're around. Once you deal with it, you'll be happier with yourself, you'll interact with others in a more authentic way (which they'll appreciate) and you'll be more attractive.

u/dandar4600 · 2 pointsr/askMRP

>Her last LTR was very controlling, so she always tries to gauge whether I'll try to control her

That is a lie told to men who see disrespectful behavior and instead of bailing, they try to make her stop. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. This was not a shit test. Shit test is also known as compliance/fitness test from book Married Man Sex Life Primer. This was blatant disrespect and if you're not married you should demote her to a plate, ie start dating other women. If you live together, start looking for a place.

You think this is overreaction on my part? You need to look at what she does, NOT what she says.

  1. She prefers to read romance books than to have sex with you. They usually have an asshole that the protagonist falls for.

  2. She has for a while not fucked you so that you spend time online trying to find a way to fix it.

  3. She is openly flirting/texting with other man while spending time with you...and blatantly tells you that she is planning on spending time with that man on a work trip that they will be taking next week. That by the way is called Please Break Up with Me!

    You are obviously new and did not read the books listed in Married Red Pill sidebar. I know you hate reading books, you were whining about it in your post history. At least read The Best of Rational Male - Year One. No more mr nice guy is also very short. You could read that in less than a day and that's a real eye opener.

    I agree with some newbies who are whining here about others calling them faggots, etc. It wasn't like that back in the day and it makes it harder for men to actually get the message but mods condone it so it goes. The sidebar though is not calling you a fag and it was created with the idea of helping men. It certainly has helped me in my marriage as it has helped many others. If you're going to ignore the many useful replies, at least do not ignore the sidebar.
u/cmumford · 2 pointsr/MensRights

You should pick up a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's got a lousy title - it's not about becoming a jerk. It's really about ceasing to be that "nice guy" always putting your needs last to prove that you aren't one of those evil men.

u/bjlmag · 2 pointsr/seduction

I can sympathize with this mindset. I'd highly recommend picking up [No More Mr. Nice Guy] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1). [This post] (https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/2mwfgz/text_no_more_mr_nice_guy_detailed_notes_on_how_to/) is a fairly good summary to give you an idea. I'm still working through the book myself; classes just wrapped up so I can finally really tackle my reading list.

>anything is better than being alone though

I disagree. If you're hanging around genuinely shitty people, I think you'd be better off alone for a while. In that regard, you could work on self-improvement and get yourself to the point where you are what you provide to people (good people) and you don't have to give them any goods or services in order to be liked in return. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to sound like an asshole but I used to be exactly where you are and that last line resonated. PM me if you want to chat about things

u/RedLiftingStraps · 1 pointr/askMRP
u/SlimBackwater · 1 pointr/Divorce

Sounds like you might be a "nice guy" (like me)

Read or listen to the first chapter of No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover and see if it might apply to you.

u/Hammereditor · 1 pointr/AskMen

Read this book:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

u/trawid2016 · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Did you ever have a good sex life with her?
If so, what changed? Lost the NRE, moved in together?

There is a theory that when men bend over backwards for women it makes you less attractive. Most women are not turned on by you being a door mat.
There's a book that is a really easy read that goes into detail about how to stop bending over backwards for your lady and start taking care of you, how to have a balance of power in your relationship.

Right now you are giving her all your power. And honestly you are rewarding bad behavior. Why would she change when you are killing yourself to make her happy?

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

I think a lot of men believe that you have to either be super nice or you are an abusive jerk. There is a middle ground of being assertive and having appropriate boundaries.

If you never had a great sex life, it could be that she is low libido or asexual or she has suffered trauma or she is a lesbian. I think it's worth giving that book a try and see what happens.

u/rthomas6 · 1 pointr/relationships

That place spends most of the time teaching you how to act like you don't emotionally need to be desired and approved of by women... in order to win the desire and approval of women. While also channeling bitterness and anger at women.

Instead he should try to actually work on himself and get to a point where he actually doesn't need the approval of women just to feel okay. In my personal experience, this is easier said than done. I recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Also, I'm married so this isn't my thing, but I've heard the book Models is also good.

u/das_mammel · 1 pointr/lonely

Read this:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1421455106&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

As someone who has had great number of the "nice guy" tendencies I can tell you that it will help a lot. You will need to approach it with an open mind though, as there will likely be a lot of stuff you don't really want to look at initially.

u/thrizzlepizzle · 1 pointr/selfimprovement

Just to give some more context, let me list out what I've tried so far:

u/Hotblack_Desiato_ · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Most of the answers in here are, in all likelihood, completely wrong. /u/Simon121212 accidentally came close to the likely correct answer, but didn't really explore it.

There's likely a combination of things going on here, but the major one is that he likely feels a pressure to perform when he's with you, to make sure that he isn't selfish and that you enjoy yourself. He likely feels this pressure to the point where sex with you actually is a source of anxiety for him. Now, in all likelihood, this pressure is self-imposed and has little to do with you.

That's important to keep in mind here. This has almost nothing to do with you. It's about his expectations for himself and what HE thinks he needs to have a smooth and trouble-free life.

Cam girls are safe for him. They're on the far side of a wire, and it's their job to make him feel good. He has no obligation, self-imposed or otherwise, to try to make sure they enjoy their own experience.

He sounds like a "Nice Guy," as described in that book that used to be mentioned in the sidebar. Sexual "misbehavior" of the kind that you describe, are common in "Nice Guys." Secret pornography and cam-girl addiction, seeing prostitutes, that kind of thing.

So yeah. This is the likely issue. Not that he's a Stoopy Poopy Head, as most of the other posters here think, although I suppose it's remotely possible that I'm wrong and he actually IS a Stoopy Poopy Head.

u/trickyticktock · 1 pointr/MensRights

Check out No More Mr. Nice Guy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_q12EzbDM118XB and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_s52EzbR4FYRBQ
Both eye opening for me.

u/yikesireddit · 1 pointr/self

You sound pretty fucking strong to me. And for all your bad luck you have a lot of good things in your life. I have anxiety, and I have found that self-help books can really help. If you feel you want to be more positive and in control you might want to try those out.

If you want a couple recommendations:
The Power of Now, and No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Also, take the others advice. Maybe you can go into medical bankruptcy and get your finances back on track. No shame; fuck the haters.

u/cyanocobalamin · 1 pointr/AskMenOver30

Amazon has a kindle version

u/black_sartre · 1 pointr/dating_advice

Thank you so much for your note, and insights.

I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.

If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.

My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.

In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.

In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.

You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.

As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.

You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.

I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."

It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.

I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.

I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.

Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.

However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?

Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.

In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.

This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.

In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:

"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/

"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.

Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.

u/Braffe · 1 pointr/NoFap
  • Quitting my job at factory and starting freelance career and later we plan to start own CG studio
  • Building a portfolio and learning to be better 3D artist
  • Drawing
  • Plan to start sculpting soon to become character artist
  • Once I quit my job start running, working out and improve my flexibility
  • Studying to get a driver license
  • Meditating
  • Reading Breaking the Cycle and No More Mr. Nice Guy
  • Plan to learn Krav Maga and first aid
  • Once my life will start to settle down I will start working on my shyness, becoming more social and looking for a girlfriend

u/thudicum · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

You would probably find this book to be interesting.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_krevxbFZJK1B3

u/karmawut · 1 pointr/relationships

You're comments remind me a lot of me a few years ago, and while I don't normally share what helped me get my head into a good place, occasionally I come across someone that might find similar insights from reading it. I think you have a problem with "Nice Guy Syndrome" even though you don't really think of yourself as that nice of a guy. The definition is pretty loaded and you can't really take the words at face value or use their normal definitions, because "Nice Guys" are anything but nice. Anyway, if you have time I recommend you check out this book (changed my life): No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Good luck!

u/Suroth85 · 0 pointsr/sex

First off, OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I was just like your SO. I set crazy goals for myself and would only accept perfection for a long time. I read this book a few years ago. I need to digress from you for a moment to give some background. While I still struggle with being extremely hard on myself, I am able to recognize it. For instance, I work in IT and I was assigned a project that took 900 hrs to complete. I messed up one of the 750 deployments. I never had it off my mind for months later. One of the primary things I took from the book is being able to accept your failures and to be yourself.

I believe his over dedication to work and school since his noticeable decline in romantic levels only helps to exemplify how he fits this mold. If he is as much of a perfectionist as you indicate, he is looking for an escape from his "failing (sexual) relationship".

From your, uh, brief description, I feel like you have a minor Dominate/submissive role going on. If you honestly feel like you are giving back to the relationship. Maybe your natural way of showing this is in a way that your SO doesn't comprehend. I see this as possibly being a few things. The hardest one for the relationship as a whole is why the Role Reversal, which was mentioned by someone else. It could be a valid option to look into.

I think the easiest thing to do is to go with the "shock & awe" approach. Start sending text messages about little things that remind you of your SO. Make his lunch for the day. Touch him, A LOT. Not necessarily in a sexual manner. Just a gentle touch as you pass on the small of your his back. A lingering pressure on his shoulder. You are wanting to almost overwhelm him with light affection. The result being steady staccato of love directed at him.

Someone else mentioned role reversal. I think they could be on to something with this idea. Maybe what he is looking for is to be able to let go. He might not even realize this is what he is looking for. When he rejects you next time, push the envelope some. This will be awkward for him. He will try to reject you; it is in his psyche.

If you feel you are more submissive, than run with that. Explain what you were getting from the sex you were having when you enjoyed it. TALK!!! Let him know about what you enjoyed. Let him know how great those 12 years were for you.

TL/RD I am a guy. I was in this situation. The relationship dissolved for multiple reasons, the bedroom being one. It isn't all OPs fault.

u/Cbeed · -6 pointsr/de

Das ist ja grauenvoll das mit zu lesen. Tut mir in der Seele weh. Bitte schau dir mal /r/TheRedPill an. Nur ein wenig. Da ist vieles etwas übertrieben, aber in der Richtung stimmt halt doch vieles. Ich war früher auch eher nice guy, habe mich dann aber davon weg bewegt in meiner Persönlichkeitsbildung und Thema Frauen hat sich auch noch verbessert. Erst vor kurzem habe ich über einen Bekannten davon erfahren, dass das ganze auch Namen und Pseudowissenschaftliche Theorien dazu gibt, die teilweise doch ganz gut auf die Realität passen.


Arbeite an dir und du bekommst ein neues Lebensgefühl! Nice guy muss man nicht bleiben und das will man im Nachhinein auch nicht. Kann auch noch das Buch [No More Mr. Nice Guy] (https://www.amazon.de/gp/product/B004C438CW/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o04_?ie=UTF8&psc=1) empfehlen.

u/tai376 · -6 pointsr/relationships

Get him to read some self help books like No More Mr Nice Guy.