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Reddit mentions of Rose: Love in Violent Times

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Reddit mentions: 1

We found 1 Reddit mentions of Rose: Love in Violent Times. Here are the top ones.

Rose: Love in Violent Times
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Specs:
ColorBrown
Height7.02 Inches
Length5.65 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateMarch 2011
Weight0.61949895622 Pounds
Width0.72 Inches

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Found 1 comment on Rose: Love in Violent Times:

u/FinalDoom ยท 1 pointr/needadvice

> > How many other long relationships have you been in?

> Just one other one, two total. My first was in high school, lasted 9 months.

I think us long-termers have a harder time than others rebounding from relationships. Maybe that's where most people end up, then marriage and so on. I'd be curious whether the people that end up divorcing shortly after marriage are those who bounced around between relationships and the marriageable one was one of their first long-term ("mature"?) relationships.

> It's like living with a ghost that periodically moves things around in the kitchen and haunts the other bedroom at night.

Haha, just be glad she's not leaving little fires or big messes. Those are the worst kind of ghosts.

> We chalked it up to the fact that we had basically exhausted things to share, we already shared each others life stories.

I think there's some adage about the old married couple that never talks, but are perfect for each other. Maybe I'm thinking of a comic. Either way, I never liked that view of things. With most people, there is a period of getting to know each other, exploring, asking questions, and so on. It does die down, but in the best relationships (in my eperience), it's replaced with a different kind of conversation. It's not a good typification, but I think of the "Honey, I'm home." "What did you do today?" or if you're talking to a kid, "What did you learn in school today?" conversation as a continuation of the exploratory conversation. You may know a person well, but the're going to change, and you can share in that change with them. Maybe they learned something, did something cool, had a shit day, punched their boss, found a new hobby, etc. You're going to change too. Your days will be different, and you can share experience. In general, I think when things stagnate (largely mentally, people get stuck in how they see themselves and things around them), life becomes dull and that's when you need to do some exploring of your self or your world.

> To a point where both of us are not happy.

So you're both better off in some way where you are now. You can be happy that you're not fighting, you're not stressed about the relationship, and he's not, and that (given the right insight), he can be happy for the same things in you. Compersion is great. The Chrome dictionary still doesn't recognize that word. ><

> I'm an anxious person. So I will still have insidious and scary thoughts.

That's one thing a good CBT therapist could help you out with. I think a lot of intelligent people have similar "negative" thought patterns in our world. I'll recommend a couple books later on that might help with some of the self examination that goes into conquering your mind (somewhat), though they're not psychology texts.

I used to have a pretty strong inner monologue that would talk me out of a lot of things. I see a pretty girl, I tell myself I should go over and say hi, I like your hair, what do you do, etc. Then I tell myself no, it'll probably come to naught, there are too many people around her, I'll embarrass myself, etc. Eventually I just continue doing what I was doing. It took me a few years of various things to basically quiet that voice. Some of it was self-esteem work--every day, when you go to the bathroom and there's a mirror in front of you (huge mirrors in the dorms, not so much now), look yourself in the eyes, and tell yourself you're awesome (or whatever your choice phrase is that you don't quite believe). After a while of doing that, you'll start believing it as truth. It's a mantra of sorts.

The other part of the retraining is somewhat common to a lot of CBT approachable issues, and is somewhat similar to the above mantra idea. When I see an opportunity, I naturally address its pros and cons. For a good part of my life, I let the cons weigh in too highly, like above. For me, I had to hear the con voice, then talk back to it, logically. "No, you're wrong. Most people are willing to at least have a conversation, if you're not a creep. You're not a creep, you're a weirdo. Big difference. Most of those people around her aren't talking to her, they probably won't even notice, since it's loud in here. Finish your drink, stand between her and them, order another drink, then you'll have an excuse to be there and talk to her. If it doesn't work out, what's the worst that can happen?" For me, what's the worst that can happen became the ultimate rebuttal. Basically it always came down to: "In the astronomically unlikely case, she'll stab you. But that's not so bad, as long as it's nowhere super vital. Maybe she'll slap you or throw a drink in your face. Those have never happened yet, though. So realistically, worst case is she doesn't want to talk, you walk away, go do whatever you were doing." Now, I just go with "Will this opportunity in front of me kill me?" "No. Okay, I'll do it." (I have boundaries, but that's the best way to approach life, for me, especially regarding the unknown.)

> But I'm worthy of happiness and of having love and a life with the type of person I want.

You'd be surprised how many people this doesn't even occur to. It makes relationships and life difficult.

> I want to do it in such a way that helps me find myself too. I let him become the object of my life, and I didn't spread out things as much as I should have to school or other hobbies.

That was a big mistake I made as well. I eventually was dating my best friend, and all my other friends were auxiliary, if I even talked to them, or were through her. Hopefully you've learned from this, and can work on balance in your future relationships.

The conclusion that I came to is that you always need to put yourself first. If you've got issues, you need to work on them, before you can really support other people. That wasn't where I wanted the idea to go, but it's true anyway. I wanted it to lead into saying that a relationship is like a job, or something like that, and you should treat it like one, in some ways. You can work 120 hours a week, but your outside life is going to suffer. You need to spend time with other friends, alone, with hobbies, whatever it is you enjoy alone. Maybe your SO joins you sometimes, but not always. Somewhere on the art of manliness blog, the author writes that two people have 100% to give, each. In many relationships (codependent, especially), you end up giving a total that's less than 200%. But in the good relationships and marriages, you support each other's individuality and are able to give more, say 250%. I forget if it's from there or from Rose or something else, but in a relationship, partners must protect one another's solitude.

> I don't know who I am right now, I need to figure that out. How do I do that?

Once I got more comfortable being alone again, I spent my reconciliation time figuring out myself. It's a great time to do it, and a good context to put it into. The challenge of hurt and loneliness is that much more satisfying when overcome. More on how I figured things out below.

> I want to have a secure and cemented identity of myself, but right now I don't know what I want, who I am, or what I'm doing. I feel hopeless like I'm losing my purpose, like I'm losing value. Am I losing value?

I really don't know how to answer this without questioning what value you're thinking of. Monetarily, intellectually, spiritually, it doesn't sound like you're losing anything. Maybe you're sitting at the same level, and have been for a while. That lack of change can feel weird if you're used to adapting and changing. I will say that when you've worked through things, you'll probably have a lot more to offer (more value?) in a lot of ways, because of what you'll have figured out and experienced. You can give great advice not having experienced a great many things, but people will tend to believe personal experience and get a lot more from it.

> I feel like I was clinging to a rock that I believed would never fail me.

Quite common in dependent or codependent relationships. As above where (I think) I said (something like) you should put yourself first, you should be your rock. Not the other, changing, corporeal person. Some people look to a god of one sort or another for this, but it comes down to the same idea. Ultimately, you're going to be the only constant in your life, and even you (hopefully) won't be all that constant. But you'll be there, and you'll be able to support you. It may take some reworking your thoughts to trust yourself, love yourself, etc., but that's part of this process.

> I just want to feel okay again. I don't know how to prevent this from happening again.

I don't know that you can. You can guard yourself, and probably will, to lessen the pain until you find someone you can trust and let go with, but it's part of loving. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (Internet is flakey here, so I may get some of these quotes wrong. Bah.) It'll take a while to accept the wisdom of that quote, though. That and "If you love it, let it go." (I think there's more to that.) The idea of that one being that you can't keep something you love in a cage where you can enjoy it. Other beings have their own needs, and if you truly love them, you will let them out to be their own beings, and in your love you can feel glad at doing that, because they will be happier than in that cage. Perhaps, even, they will come back to you after having stretched their wings (or a pet will usually come back for food and snuggles).