Reddit mentions of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

>1,100 calories daily, and burning off 600 or so of that every other day

Do less. I don't mean eat less, I mean do less. 1,100 calories is not really enough for anyone, let alone for someone 5'9". Some calculations for a female, 5'9" weighing 230lbs (don't know your age so I put in 25, and no bf% guess entered either) estimates a BMR of 1856 (this would be how much you burn just lying in bed being alive) and even sedentary activity level is a TDEE of 2227 (that's with general day to day activity like walking around and sitting upright), so at a 500kcal deficit we're talking 1700kcal and at a 1000kcal deficit we're still talking 1227kcal. On a day that you were burning an extra 600 that means you were burning a total of ~2800kcal and only eating 1100kcal to replenish - no wonder you had hunger pangs and all that jazz. So don't push quite so hard, make it more sustainable. The whole "eating at a deficit that I'm always hungry" is why so many people fail diets - they try too hard, they're hungry and miserable, they give up.


Self control gets you started, but it's unreasonable to expect yourself to ALWAYS practice self control/willpower, so you need to just make it so dead simple, and a habit, that it's just easier to do it than it is to fall off the wagon.


You say you lost your self control and motivation, but those should be intrinsic, they need to come from inside yourself. You were depressed, you lost a friend, and you started eating in excess - did that in any way make you happier? Did you really feel any better while or after eating that large pizza? I'm suspecting the answer is NO, and that's the thing. From all those years you've convinced yourself that when you are unhappy or sad that eating will make you happy, but it doesn't, it just makes things worse. You have to reprogram your brain and this will take time.

From here I can only suggest what I know helped me - two non-diet/health/fitness books: The Willpower Instinct and Self Compassion (or maybe I liked The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion better, I can't remember which was which now)

I wish you the best. Acknowledging that there is a problem and having an awareness of it are the first and most important steps.

Your post really resonated with me so here goes.

It took me 6.5 years to complete a 3 year bachelor course. My highs were highs and my lows were really low. I'd get a 100 on one of the most difficult courses but fail badly on a easy course.

Anyway, I was studying in a European country and the 6.5 years meant my parents spent upwards of 120K euros on my education that should have been just 60K.

I was suicidal, anxious and just not in a good place. I would fail an exam which affected my mental health which in turn affected my exams.

It was hard to break out of the cycle until I realised I was depressed, I needed to seek help and my biggest issue was procrastination.

It was a defence/coping mechanism for me. I wouldn't study at all because then later I'd have an excuse as to why I failed instead of facing the reality.

Killing yourself now means ensure you never get better. I too didn't talk to and tell anyone before it was too late.


What got me out of through the dark years was

1. Opening up to my brother and friends that I was struggling. You'd be more than surprised how understanding your fellow friends are. Talk to people who are succeeding and have landed internships and all. Nothing to be embarrassed. Tell them you're struggling and ask them what was their mantra for success.
   
   
2. Fix a schedule: Be realistic about when you wake up and how many hours you can study. Don't overshoot otherwise that depresses you as well
   
   
3. Get 1hr of exercise everyday and fix your diet. You have no idea how good fresh air and good food are for your mental health.
   
   
4. Stop procrastinating. Doesn't matter if you try and fail. But atleast you're giving an honest attempt. Give it your best, ask for help from everyone. Heck I emailed teachers from high school days as well. They all gave me tips because they knew me as a child and knew how to approach my issue.
   
   
5. I suggest you read this. It might sound cheesy, but I was in such a negative self critical loop it wasn't helping me. If I have one takeaway from that book is, if you best friend came up to you and told you they were going through what you are right now, what would you tell them?

I've had to navigate similar situations in my own life -- if you care about these people, but they're making you miserable, you need to find a way to keep them in your life while ensuring your own happiness and wellbeing. I have a few recommendations that helped me. One note: I don't call them SJWs, I call them hostile extremists. There's a TLDR at the end.

1. Read Kristin Neff's book on self-compassion.
   It might sound like a silly new age concept, but there's a ton of scientific research that shows that there are tangible health benefits to practicing self-compassion. It's different from self-esteem -- it's not about believing that you're awesome, but about recognizing that you're human and that it's okay to be imperfect. Hostile extremists have trouble with compassion. If you intend on keeping them in your life, you will want to cultivate self-compassion so that their emotional abuse bounces right off of you. We're human. We want to be accepted by the people in our lives (and by society at large). Extremists use that against us by employing humiliation, shame, and harassment in order to control our behaviour. They want power over us. Self-compassion helps inoculate us against emotional coercion. When you accept yourself 100%, you don't respond as strongly to shame and humiliation.
   
   
2. Practice metta meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation. If you intend on keeping these people in your life, you will need to learn how to enjoy their company despite the fact that they can sometimes be raging jackasses. There are people in my life that I love in spite of how awful they often are. Metta helps. It's like lifting weights at the gym -- except instead of building muscles, you're strengthening neural patterns in your brain that turn off your body's fight-or-flight response in the face of threatening situations. After three months of metta meditation, instead of feeling depressed when someone craps all over you, you'll be much more likely to brush it off and get on with the business of living. You'll see the person behind the hate, and it'll soften your response to their hostility and contempt. There's a lot of research that's been done on the benefits of metta meditation. Studies show that metta meditation improves vagal tone, which is, among other things, the bodies "grace under fire" mechanism. Once again, this might seem silly and you'll probably feel like a dork when you first start doing it, but it works. It takes time, though -- you're rewiring your brain's response to stress. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
   
   
3. You need to fix your flatmate situation. Either move out, or fix your relationship so that she's no longer creating a hostile environment.
   
   You deserve to live in a healthy environment surrounded by people who respect you, NO MATTER WHAT. If you care about these people, it's fine to want to keep them in your life, but do NOT live with someone who disrespects you. The only reason you should live with people who yell at you/belittle you/look down on you is because you're training to be a buddhist monk/stoic who has perfect emotional control. Not willing to move out? Read John Gottman's book "The Science of Trust". Gottman has spent the last thirty years studying human relationships. He's an expert on why marriages fail (and why they succeed). What's true for marriage is (mostly) true for other kinds of relationships. His book is about marriage, but you can apply some of his advice to your flatmates. If you can't establish a healthy relationship with them based on mutual respect, get out. Don't give hostile people control over your wellbeing -- when you're living with them, it's impossible not to. You should consider living somewhere that will prioritize your emotional wellbeing.
   
   
4. Establish firm boundaries and enforce them ruthlessly.
   
   Find out what you're willing to put up with -- and then shut down anything you're not willing to deal with.
   
   
   TLDR:
   
   1 - Cultivate self-compassion
   
   2 - By practicing metta meditation
   
   3 - Read John Gottman's The Science of Trust, apply his advice to your relationship with your flatmate. If you can't establish a relationship based on mutual respect, move out or kick them out. Do not live in a toxic environment.
   
   4 - Establish boundaries and enforce them ruthlessly.