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Reddit mentions of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Sentiment score: 76
Reddit mentions: 100
We found 100 Reddit mentions of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Here are the top ones.
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- Marriage
- Love
- Psychology
- Secret
- Touch
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| Height | 9 Inches |
| Length | 6 Inches |
| Number of items | 1 |
| Release date | January 2010 |
| Weight | 0.64 Pounds |
| Width | 0.39 Inches |
THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.
Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.
There are several books of this type, but the best is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman is a Christian, but it's solid counsel for anyone in a relationship.
If you're serious about learning small talk, just read this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
And if you want to better your relationships w/ your spouse, and even close friends, read this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
I know that this probably gets thrown on here a lot, but have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts"? It has done wonders for my marriage, especially helping me understand the emotional euphoria that first comes with dating, and then slowly disappears, which so many of us classify as love. Don't buy into the lies that Rom Com's and TV shows portray as love because even the best marriages have times where they don't feel like being with the other person. I do not think you are a bad or horrible person for feeling this way, but I do think it would be horribly tragic for you to get a divorce, ultimately to discover that no human could ever satisfy this emotional euphoria you desire for an extended period of time, no one.
> I wanna do something simple and nice for my boyfriend
Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
It suggests that each man and woman has a "love language" that speaks more to them,
one of these five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
So each person in a couple could think about what is theirs, and let the other person know. For example, if a woman's "love language" is words of affirmation, she would consider a gift a nice gesture, but she'd rather hear the words of affirmation more often. If her husband is giving her plenty of gifts, she may still not feel loved.
A person sometimes expresses their own desired love language to their partner, assuming their partner has the same. So the woman may give her husband lots of words of affirmation, when really he is starved for some physical touch. If she learns what actually speaks to him, she can then express love in his desired form.
So, OP, consider or ask your boyfriend which of those five sorts of things would he most think shows your care for him. And while you're at it, let him know what most appeals to you.
Read a book called The 5 Love Languages. The gist of it is that she's communicating her love in a way that you aren't hearing it. Not everyone feels and expresses love via physical contact or breakfast in bed.
Get The 5 Love Languages. See if perhaps you and your wife are just fundamentally misunderstanding what the other needs. To be blunt, why would you marry someone who demonstrated a trait that made you feel resentful? Did you honestly expect her to change after you got married?
I've been married over 10 years and can confirm /u/Im_Bee knows what they're talking about.
I recommend checking out the book the 5 love languages.
You may not feel like showing love, but she doesn't either. One of you has to start. It's not about who's fault it is, it's about the path you choose to take going forward.
Love isn't that butterfly feeling you got when you were a teenager. Love is a choice, and love is work. Love is sacrificing yourself everyday for their benefit.
There's this popular book called The 5 Love Languages that seems relevant to the issue you're talking about. I haven't actually read the book myself, but from what my therapist was saying the idea is that people sort of have preferred channels for demonstrating and receiving "love." On an intuitive level it sort of makes sense, and it explains a lot of the issues I've had in the past with a couple of my exes.
The fives languages are as follows:
For me it's mostly about quality time, then a tie between words of affirmation and affection, then acts of service, and then gifts (which hardly registers at all). You can take the official test to see how your languages are distributed. I don't usually buy into things like this, but it definitely helped explain a lot to me (although I should probably read the actual book).
"Acts of Service" is what the author calls it.
My wife is the same, and it sounds like I was in the exact same boat, so maybe my perspective can help. I'm the clean one between the two of us, and I tend to the do the majority of the cleaning/organizing (and tend to put much more care and effort into it). My wife felt like things were lacking in that area, though, and at first I scratched my head about it.
Then I realized that what my wife was craving was for me to do things for her. Cleaning is nice and all, and when I do it that means she doesn't have to, but it's just something that needs done, i.e. it's not something I'm doing for her. Things like packing leftovers from dinner into a lunch for her to take to work, making her a special snack, offering to grab something she needs from another part of the house, etc. are what really do it for her. They don't need to be big, but I've found with my wife the most meaningful acts are the ones that are unnecessary, and specifically directed at her as things that either she would have to do herself or that just wouldn't be done at all. She's a runner, and last spring she asked me to hose off her shoes that were trashed from a particularly muddy trail race. I instead used laundry soap and a toothbrush to scrub them back to pristine condition. It was completely unnecessary and total overkill, but it's something she still talks about today (and it led to some pretty awesome lovin' later that night).
You can take your cues from the things she does for you. If your wife is primarily about Acts of Service, that's also the default way she's going to show love towards you. Pay attention to the little things she does for you, especially the ones she calls out as those are likely to be the ones with the most meaning behind them. Some of them certainly can be adapted and turned around to be applied to her.
Don't expect that doing one thing is going to suddenly put her in the mood, but I've found that making a habit out of doing a few things for my wife here and there in our daily lives has had a huge impact on our overall relationship (and certainly on our sex life). It's tough to be motivated to do it, though, if your wife isn't doing the same for you, so I think it's very worthwhile for both of you to consider things..
I highly recommend reading the book instead of just looking at the website. It's less than $10 on Amazon, and the author goes into a lot more detail and really explains his philosophy in simple terms that everyone understands using real examples that are easy to relate to. Maybe it would make sense to make it a part of your weekly talks at first? You said your wife is a bit prudish, so she's probably not entirely comfortable with these talks, and it could give a way to ease into them a bit without directly talking about sex the first 2 - 3 times.
Firstly, you should read The 5 Love Languages if you haven't already.
Secondly, you can not expect to have a healthy relationship if your attitude is "She kept things from me, so it's OK if I keep things from her!" That's childish, immature, and no way to treat your partner.
Thirdly, you should be direct and upfront with this girl if you want to continue the relationship. Don't hide things from her, especially things you think would upset her.
Lastly, the first few months of any relationship are great. That's what is known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Generally, it fades and either evolves into comfortable love, fizzles out entirely, or falls somewhere in between. Things between you will not be the same as they were then, if for no other reason than the fact that you now have a history together. Don't strive for that, instead work towards a happy, healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your partner.
Just because they gave you attention and support, it might not have been the attention and support your mind craved.
example: your parents hug you and show up at your games and tell you you're amazing.. but your mind needs motivation.
Sometimes parents are too easy to please, so their kids don't feel the need to please them, and thus crave things/people to please, and usually they aren't positive.
Edit: I'm referring to different "love languages" here. I re read my comment and it doesn't make total sense, but this is a great read for more than just SO relationships.
Most people recommend The Five Love Languages when it comes to showing affection to your partner. Not everyone views gifts as appropriate gestures, and some people don't hear the words 'I love you' and automatically feel loved. Recognizing what your partner needs to feel appreciated, loved, etc. early on will help that person to see you as an affectionate person. It also helps when the other person knows what they need, but not everybody gets their point across.
Something that always works is listening and having compassion. You can't give your partner what they need if your mind isn't open to learning what that is.
Have him read this book if he's willing. It's pretty self explanatory but sometimes people need things spelled out for them. Especially guys.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.
If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.
Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.
Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D
Out of curiosity, why would you ask a religious subreddit for advice after explicitly identifying as an atheist who actively dislikes organized religion? In all likelihood, beyond suggesting that you seek out a church and pray, it's unlikely that anyone here would be able to give any more special advice than anyone in another subreddit would. Anyway, like I said, just curious.
As for the food issue, I would say that you should try to start small. If you're over-eating, don't try to go straight to celery and ice cubes, but rather try cutting out some of the more egregious offenses to your diet, e.g. potato chips, dessert, etc. As you find you can do this successfully, then keep taking small steps. Trying to make big leaps is a pretty sure recipe for failure unless you have a very strong will (which it sounds like you don't with regard to these issues, given that you're in this situation in the first place!). If you combine this with moderate exercise, you could see some results fairly quickly. This could be something as simple as going for a 30 minute walk every day.
With regard to your job, I don't know what you do or what your qualifications are, but maybe it's time for a switch! You could try taking job diagnostics online or seeing if anyone in your area offers career counseling. A lot of local libraries sometimes have job resources for free. If you have the resources, perhaps it's time to retrain and go back to school or another professional development program. Depending on your field, sometimes lateral movements to other companies can result in a significant increase in salary and possibly responsibility if that's what you feel like is lacking.
As for your marriage, I would suggest as a small step in the right direction reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Though he is Christian and this book does contain some Biblical references, it's very applicable to everyone. I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever is going on between you and your spouse, but it could help! It seems like you listed these issues in order of increasing seriousness, so as the problems get bigger, unfortunately the advice becomes less and less applicable.
You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.
Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:
You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.
As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.
Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.
And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.
I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.
These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.
I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.
I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.
Read this
IIRC it explains ways people who need admiration enjoy receiving it.
I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!
So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.
If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.
I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.
I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!
Check out this book
> because she rarely said I love you in my language.
Five love languages book.
Here's a book I'd recommend about the "five love languages" and what they mean. If you don't want to splurge for the book, I'm sure you can find enough useful information by googling.
Anyhow, the gist of the book is that people feel and experience love in different ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Now people generally don't exclusively feel loved via one "language" but usually one or two stand out above the others.
It definitely sounds as if your "language" of choice is words of affirmation, but that's probably not the case for him. Figure out what applies to him, and do those types of things to show him.
Whew this got wordy in a hurry. Sorry for the wall of text.
Look at it this way: Both of you did things to each other that were very harmful for your marriage.
I am not excusing what she did, because stepping outside the marriage, even during a period of separation, is not a good idea.
BUT...at the same time, having anger issues and taking them out on the mother of your children is a pretty serious betrayal of trust, too.
You're both carrying baggage right now, and both of you are hurt by what has taken place in the marriage. Now what?
If you want to heal this marriage, you definitely can. It is going to take:
TL;DR: You're not wrong for feeling hurt and resentful. But don't let that hold you back from making the right decision to fight for your family and your marriage.
Two books I would recommend are:
Dating Delilah by Judah Smith
Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Both of these have a lot of good insight on having a healthy relationship with your significant other while staying focused on God. I do caution you not to take either of these books as the dating gospel or anything like that. I'll be the first to admit that both contain things that I don't agree with and/or find helpful. However, on the whole, I think both authors give terrific insight on the issue, and despite the things I don't like, I will happily recommend them to anybody seeking Christian dating advice.
An honestly pretty great book about love relationships.
I highly recommend reading it. It's not the "end all, be all" of how to express love to your partner, but goddamnit it's a fantastic place to start.
Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1
I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).
I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!
It seems like he must tie sex into love and self image. It must reassure him in some way about the relationship. Are there other things you can do to reassure him of your interest? Have you read this? Maybe if he's getting fulfilled in other ways a slight drop in sexual encounters won't be as big of a problem?
I highly recommend that you buy and read The Five Love Languages, first separately and then together.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414079703&sr=8-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages
This book talks about how little resentments can build up over time if your SO is not getting the type of 'love' that they need, and then how to identify and give the other person that type of love. For example, you may think that you are doing a lot for her, but if acts of service is something she responds to, and you're getting her gifts, she will not respond to you the way you would expect. If you are both willing, it is a great start to opening that communication up.
If not, then the next step is actual therapy.
Read this book. The Five Love Languages. Seriously. Basically, in the book, Gary Chapman details the importance of understanding your love language,your spouse's love language and how the two interact with one another. Great read for those in committed relationships.
Maybe check out The Five Languages of Love. It's a great book that helps couples understand affection and how to keep each other happy. Even if he won't read it, it should give you some good tools for how to have healthy conversations about this with him. I really love the book, and it's helped me understand what I need in relationships a lot better and how to communicate that (geez, I sound like a commercial, but for real, I love the book). Good luck!
You know what really helped me? Reading The Five Love Languages. Best seven bucks you'll ever spend on your relationships. Identifying your love languages may help each of you figure out why your love tanks have been feeling empty.
For instance, my love language is Quality Conversation. I feel loved when my significant other spends time talking with me, sharing opinions and emotions. My boyfriend's is Physical Touch. When I didn't feel loved, I automatically physically withdrew and he also felt unloved so both of us were unhappy. Knowing each other's love languages gives us a starting point on what we can do to help the other feel appreciated and loved, and when your partner feels loved he feels more inclined to reciprocate. If that makes sense. :) Good luck with everything!
> How does one remain calm in the heat of a moment? Counting to ten just doesn't do it for me :<
You don't. You walk away, or have him walk away.
Also, for the emotional support, maybe he's not expressing his love for you in a language you understand. I can always recommend this book which works pretty well with most of that.
Have you read 5 love languages? You should http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
>We can go over a month easily without physical contact.
Yikes. If that is applying to other things than sex, then that's a huge, huge problem (not that the sex wasn't in the first place). It's a long shot, but try having the two of you read this book - it's short and sweet, and it basically talks about making sure you're meeting the other person's emotional/physical needs in a relationship.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1300462375&amp;sr=8-1
My understanding is that it came from the book The Five Love Languages.
First of all, congratulations on the success of agreeing to counseling, that is a major step. Make sure you find someone, and schedule an appointment this week (as its an easy thing to put off).
I am also in the middle of marital issues, and I'm currently looking for counceling as well.
The books below have helped in the past/are helping now, read them with your wife or read them at the same time in different areas (Spend $20, get two books and read them as a couple).
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress
This is the book you are looking for!
Many people recommend a book called The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it but the gist of it is that we all have different ways we communicate our feelings to each other. For people such as myself (and perhaps you as well), physical intimacy is how we show our partners that we love them. However for some people it's different - they show their emotions through acts of service or other means. So it's quite possible that your husband shows his feelings for you in other ways, but because it's not physical intimacy it's not fully reaching you. A miscommunication, if you will.
You're assuming that he has a sex drive. And that if it's not directed at you, it means it's directed as someone else, or you're doing something wrong. These are all nothing but assumptions. They might be true. But then again, they might not be. It's important to talk to our partners and see where they are. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say your assumptions aren't true. Again, you have to stop assuming he has a sex drive. He doesn't function the same way you do. You may not be speaking the same language but you're still trying to convey the same message.
So accept him for who he is. It's an important first step in freeing yourself from the blame. From thinking that you've done something wrong, or failed in some way.
Any possibilities with alcohol abuse on her part? My ex would turn away from kisses so that I could not smell the wine on her breath, she also kept general intimacy at bay for the same reasons.
I suggest focusing on yourself for a bit in order to pull it together. get a counselor for yourself first. You need to turn that porn addiction into a running addiction or something like that. Best bet is self improvement mentally and physically and then work in some couples counseling after you have had a few sessions yourself.
Here are a couple of book suggestions:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1369773610&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+be+an+adult+in+relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1369773641&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+five+love+languages
You and her should take the online 5 Love Languages test today, have that handy for your first session with the counselor.
These sections jumped out at me:
>One of my uncles mentioned something to her about being happier in his 50s than he has ever been - his 20s were about making mistakes and growing up, 30s were about finding who he was, and 40s and 50s just got better and better.
>What I want is to make Linda happy above all else. I want to remove stress from her life. I want to provide everything she needs so that she never has to want for anything.
I tend to agree with your uncle that the 20s are a time to make mistakes and grow up--to strive, to fail and try again--which leads to self-reliance. This is directly opposed to your wish to 100% provide for and protect Linda. I think your style of love is fine and some women, in some situations, would be perfectly suited to receiving that kind of love happily...but it sounds to me like Linda wants the freedom to make mistakes. I could be wrong, but I think removing all stress from her life, as lovely as that sounds on the surface, is not truly what she wants.
A year ago I would not have been writing this to you. I wanted what you are offering Linda. Part of me, I admit, still wants that kind of partner, that kind of life. However, the past year has been a pivotal year of growth for me that truly typifies the 20s (I'm 28, almost 29). My heart was utterly broken by a man who I thought was going to marry, and the reason he cited for rejecting me was I wasn't striving enough. I was taking some classes and working on my career path, but not enough. At the time I felt really angry, hurt, and misunderstood. Couldn't he see how hard I was trying?
Then I got a business opportunity and I took it. It was a chance I just couldn't pass up. I was still horribly depressed from the breakup but I took the leap. In the past year my life has been transformed by that leap, and everything that came after it. Now I have a new community of likeminded people in my life, of a kind that I've never ever had before. I've taken those final steps from student to professional. I'm being recognized for my professional abilities that I've been training for but always felt such doubt and anxiety over. Additionally I've tried out some new skills and put on some new "hats" so to speak; I've been pleased to find that I'm good at wearing these additional hats. I'm proud of myself.
And yet I can hardly believe that I have stuff to be proud of, because I started off in such a shitty place. For so much of my 20s I was drifting. I took things slowly. I asked for help a lot. I took it easy. In my case I didn't have a partner enabling me, but my family. I suppose socially I relied upon my ex a good deal, and that's why my new community is so awesome.
In the last year, I've dug deep, took chances, and worked harder than I ever have before. I love myself more than I ever have before.
Maybe I'm biased from my experience, but I have a suspicion that Linda yearns for some kind of challenge and eventual success. Her wish isn't for you to pave the way for her to make it as easy and smooth as possible. It's hard to say no to that when someone offers. Especially when that someone's "love language" (have you read the book The 5 Love Languages?) is to provide material possessions and make decisions. So really it's logical that she wants to be apart from you because then she can strive and succeed, instead of watching you leap into action to strive and succeed for her.
Does that make sense? Again, I realize I am biased by my own story. Even so, I believe it is worth considering as a possible explanation.
If it does turn out that this makes sense for Linda (obviously she would need to confirm this), then my next suggestion would be for you to talk to a life coach or therapist about how to disengage and allow her the space to try and fail on her own. There are also wonderful books on the subject. If you PM me I could give you a list of books that have helped me. (With a previous partner I also used to take charge way too much and cushion him from stuff, so that's something I had to learn to do, too.)
If you care about Linda and keeping her as your wife, you will allow her to grow and learn--on her own.
I'm used to and enjoy long term relationships.
I try to love myself, so I don't have to rely on someone else for love.
I'm trying to become more fit, though... the strength is increasing, but I still eat my body weight in ice cream.
There are two books I've read, for personal pleasure, not to 'snag' a guy, but I think they're helpful in all relationships, not just romantic ones.
The 5 Love Languages. This book I recommend to EVERYONE that ever has family, friends, or romantic relationships.
and
Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married
The Five Love Languages.
It's really helpful if you can get past the somewhat 'touchy feely' aspect of it. Definitely worth the read, especially if you get the version with the 'quiz' in the back. helps partners determine each others' love language.
Try reading the book The Five Love Languages. Talk with your husband and make sure he understands that things like telling you you're beautiful (words of affirmation), date night (quality time), and initiating intimacy (physical touch) are important to you.
As you already identified, his "primary love language" might be buying gifts. You haven't mentioned anything about chores, but by helping out around the house, he may also be trying to show his love for you, perhaps in a way you don't fully understand.
So, first identify your needs (which you mostly seem to have done, you need to feel sexually wanted, and need to spend quality one-on-one time.) Then, have a serious and non-judgmental talk with your husband. DON'T expect one conversation to fix things, but use it to express your unfulfilled needs. Then, make sure to consistently thank and praise him when he attempts to fulfill those needs (by spending more time with you and initiating intimacy), and consistently assert your feelings when you're feeling unfulfilled.
If you're honest with him about how you're feeling and what your needs are, and appreciative of him when he listens to you and works on fulfilling those needs, I think you'll see serious improvements in your relationship.
Another few good books to read before marriage:
Gary Chapman - The Five Love Languages - The Secret To Love That Lasts
Matthew Kelly - The Seven Levels Of Intimacy
Both I've read and are amazing. I've got about a dozen friends who have done the same, it became like a popular thing to do. None of them have major issues. All are still married, and they attribute it to these.
This is very important and serious stuff.
The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.
If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.
But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.
My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.
No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.
The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.
Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:
Good luck, friend.
I am glad you had a good first session. Therapy can be very hard on both parties. Thanks for letting us know how it went.
I first want to say that I agree that you should listen to what your wife is asking and do the tasks agreed upon in therapy, but the situation made me think of a book my wife and I read through our counseling period. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It basically goes through different personality types and how best to make them feel loved. I don't agree with everything in the book, but with everyone telling you to do more around the house, I figured I would say that maybe that will do nothing. Service oriented work for my benefit does nothing for me personally, the same goes for my wife. It doesn't matter if she cooked dinner or cleaned the bathroom because I would do it if it needs doing. Delivering service to the other is fulfilling to both of us, which is why I am happy to do any given chore. Giving her gifts (flowers or chocolates) does more for her than any chore would ever do. For what its worth, I would suggest to do what is agreed upon in therapy, and try to figure out if the "help around the house" answer was sincere or if there is another way to help her feel loved that would be more effective.
Edit: After reading my post, I realized that I am acting my male instincts - giving advice to fix a problem rather than just listening...
You should read The Five Love Languages.
Read this book. Really. I'm a guy and I had that typical 'I don't need to read a stupid book about marriage. I know my wife' mindset. But after reading this book, it made my marriage stronger.
TLDR: everyone feels love differently and this book will help you and your SO identify what makes you feel loved the most, and what doesn't. It then gives you ideas for tailoring your affection to your SO.
EDIT: Also, think about separate bank accounts. My wife and I each have our own bank account, although they're linked so transferring funds from one to the other takes only seconds. We have all the bills divided between the two of us, we each put a percentage into savings, but we don't have access to the other's account. All of our bills get paid and we don't argue over silly things like 'I just checked the account and you spent $73 at Barnes and Noble, what the hell were you thinking?!' As long as everything gets paid, I don't want to see when and where my wife spends her money. It's worked out great for us.
Fat, sensitive depressed guy here:
When you are depressed, normal logic doesn't apply. One of those things that you have to suffer from to understand. Everything is a slight. Nothing is without some sort of meaning behind it. This is why "Man Up" and "kick your ass in gear" and shit like that WILL NOT WORK. That will backfire 100% of the time.
What has made him depressed like this? I assume that you two didn't start the relationship with him in therapy for depression. What has happened that has pushed him down this path?
Whatever that is is what needs to be addressed before you can approach the weight issue. All you can do is love him, and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Have you ever heard of/read The Five Love Languages? Basically it's a book about finding out how you and your partner need to be loved, and how you can show that love in your partner's language. It's a great book, and I think it would really help.
Once the thought of you not loving him has abated, then you can work on the weight issue.
Did he acknowledge that he remembered it was your anniversary?
Did you tell him that you had some surprises in store for him for your anniversary?
What everyone is saying is
DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
COMMUNICATE.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have been together for 16! I am 32 years old so we have been together half my life already!. We have had our ups and downs. What got us in trouble 99.9% of the time was poor communication. Him thinking one thing, or me thinking one thing. Me making assumptions that I later found were wrong. Him having expectations for me that were left unsaid but he held in contempt. (sounds alot like you)
Please talk to him, I am sure he is in the dark about how you are feeling at this moment.
> Of course I said it was ok, it is also your birthday and if that's what you want to do on your birthday who am I to be the bitch that didn't let you get your way.
Why Lie and say it is OK when obviously it is not OK. Your SO is the person you should feel most comfortable being honest to. You would not come across as a bitch to voice your unhappiness especially so since this is your anniversary. He would be a real dick if after you being honest with him, he still leaves and goes plays poker. But you let him go and he had no clue how hurt you were.
Some really good reads I would suggest.
Five Love Languages
Lies at the Altar
I see your perspective, but you should also see his. Does he even have a clue? What's your idea of quality time might not be his. Are you guys even speaking the same "love language"? (for real good book)
Birthdays and Anniversaries are celebrated, I always ask my hubby what he wants, or I at least tell him I have a surprise in store to give him the heads up. I no longer (in my younger days yes) make silent assumptions about things of this nature. It just ends up with hurt feelings, disappointments and misunderstandings.
I pimp this book to people pretty often.
Its ostensibly about marriage relationships, but it really improved all the interconnected relationships in my family. Your dad might just not be a talky type. Mine rarely says "I love you" out loud, but he says it often in other ways.
Read this book and then ask him to do the same: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/0802473156/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_8nHIub1QFBKNX
Amazon Link
I can't recommend this book enough
Perhaps you and him got different Love Languages.
You haven't got a clue of what I 'm talking about? Here's an explanation of the five.
I agree with this advice. Pick up the book, the 5 Love Languages ( http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156 ). Every person has a different way of communicating and receiving love.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Read it. Trust me on this one, it'll help in more than just your current relationship.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
Second this! Used for $4.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/0802473156/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_H8yAub19MAMFC
Not gonna lie, I read this and really enjoyed it.
I don't know what your wife likes, of course, but I can tell you want I'd like if I were in her shoes:
You said she doesn't like traditional stuff, so perhaps flowers & jewelery aren't up her alley. But who knows? Maybe they are. It's worth a shot. The biggest factor in "romance" for me is knowing that my partner actually thought about me and chose to do something that would make me happy without focusing primarily on his own wants and needs.
I'd also suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages when you get a chance. :) Good luck!
Keep up your work, and keep up your personal life with this book. Easy read for couples, even if you aren't married. I also found it on the pirate bay
If this was your daughter / son telling you this story about their spouse, what would you tell them to do?
What do you want?
What example do you want to set for your kids for their future relationships?
I'm not saying relationships can't come back from this, I'm saying it will take some serious quality time in counseling and self reflection on both of you to make it happen.
I strongly recommend this book and this book as a starting point until you can get a good therapist. Make it a book club and read a chapter a week and then talk about it. Take notes on what resonates with you and about your spouse. Talk about those notes. How can you improve? What can you do better in the coming weeks? etc etc etc
I strongly recommend short term goals and long term goals.
and of course therapy for everyone! including the kids!
Read The 5 Love Languages. It will open your eyes to what makes different people feel loved. Your relationship will never be the same.
It depends both on the guy and on the girl. There is a pretty well known book called The Five Love Languages that talks about how different people express affection in different ways, and how different people prefer their partner to show affection. Their 5 main categories are :
Depending on the guy, they might be most comfortable showing their affection in one of these ways. However, if you know that your partner really values a different way, then go out of your way to try to do that for them.
The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts
This book saved my marriage. We loved each other, but sometimes struggled to communicate it correctly. After reading this, we have become aware of how the other needed to hear that we love each other. It changed our relationship from one of yearning and heartbreak and wondering if the other truly loved, to one of constant affirmation and peace.
Well, if there is a book I could recommend, actually a couple...well..lemme back up.
I read two books recently that I wish I had read way before we started spiraling down hill... I'm currently going through a divorce. One is called "Born To Win" I believe the author is James Muriel ( here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Born-Win-Transactional-Analysis-Experiments/dp/0451165217 "
The other one I am currently reading is the 5 languages of love. ( http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1410012176&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=5+languages+of+love )
Fuck if I didn't wish I read these before we got married, there's so much good information and insight on how to love someone and interpret the language of love they convey and speak. We don't always know.
I hope the best for you. Order two copies of both books if you can. Give him a copy and tell him you feel the relationship is in trouble.
Try and repair before you both are in despair.
Best of luck to you.
First, read the book 'The Five Love Languages' (http://amzn.com/0802473156) - it is short, easy and to the point. Then figure out what your BF's love language is. That should tell you what will make him feel appreciated and loved. Everyone is different, and needs to be loved in different ways ( words, acts, touch, gifts, etc.)
Man, this sounds like a case study out of "The 5 Love Languages".
Her language sounds like Quality Time, which you weren't giving her (not your fault, you didn't know). But that is what it sounds like.
>People have different ways of expressing love for each other. You seem like the type who needs "words" in order to feel loved. Other people feel most loved when they're touched, when you spend quality time with them, when you give them gifts or when you do things for them (taking care of them).
OH YEAH... thanks for reminding me! There's a book all about that called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I suggest that the OP read this book. Check the reviews first.
/r/relationships and /r/relationship_advice might be a better place to get useful responses.
Having said that, I'd recommend "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman, it's quite well known, relatively inexpensive (you'll probably find a copy in your local charity shop) and it talks about the different ways in which people perceive, receive and give out love. Read it with your girlfriend and see what works for you both.
$0-$5:[Matryoshka Doll Key covers... they are so adorable and help you remember which key goes to which door. I know in my apartment building sometimes I have trouble with that. They say $7 but there are other sellers for like $2, FYI] (http://www.amazon.com/Matryoshka-Covers-Novelty-Russian-Organize/dp/B002SZL644/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_S_nC?ie=UTF8&amp;colid=3Q3G2L6N3OIHH&amp;coliid=I103TK3BJ66TIQ)
$5-$10: The 5 Love Languages book. A little religious at times, but really it's an amazing read. You learn a lot about yourself and how to convey your feelings to those around you in ways that they understand. Priceless, really.
$10-$20: [Staple Gun, because EVERYTHING.] (http://www.amazon.com/Stanley-TR150HL-SharpShooter-Heavy-Staple/dp/B000BPT316/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_S_nC?ie=UTF8&amp;colid=14CQQ0P44NADZ&amp;coliid=I16Q70UB4ZR0IH)
$20-$50: [Planet Earth series. Everyone should view this, IMO. Even better on a big screen TV in HD. Holy Hell the universe we live in is beyond breathaking] (http://www.amazon.com/Planet-Earth-The-Complete-Series/dp/B000MR9D5E/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&amp;colid=14CQQ0P44NADZ&amp;coliid=I3H3DRSAYG4OCR)
You two communicate in different languages - http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
Stop being god damned selfish.
You have a kid now and your life is all about them now.
There is a book that is an easy read, The 5 Love Languages. Give that a shot to work on your relationship with your wife.
You both need to participate and both need to be willing.
The person you need to be thinking about all the time is your daughter, how you are going to pay for her college, wedding, feeding her friends when they come over, etc...
As cheesy as a self-help book recommendation is, you may want to check out The 5 Love Languages. It sounds to me like your love language may be "Physical Touch" (mine is, I definitely feel most loved with cuddling, hugs, sex and general physical contact).
It sounds like your husband and you have open communication, so it might be great on both ends for you to understand/figure out what his language is and for him to understand yours (and how it's hurting you to not get physical affection and how much it means to you).
Read, understand, and apply The 5 Love Languages. Everybody wants something different, but those things fall into certain categories. Being able to identify then target how a person perceives that someone cares for/loves them is absolutely critical. I really believe that if my ex and I had understood what makes the other feel truly loved it would have saved our marriage.
A great read [Lies at the Altar] (http://www.amazon.com/Lies-Altar-Truth-About-Marriages/dp/B001Q3M5GC). Basically the premise of the entire book is that your BF/GF who was a dick before you walk to the altar...is the very same dick after you say your wedding vows. You had misgivings with this guy before you decided to be his wife. SMDH.
Seek marital counseling. Both of you. If you both would like to save this marriage then you both need to gain tools to nurture this, and gain some skills in communicating better with one another. If he does not want to go to counseling then I am sorry, a marriage is a partnership and if one partner is unhappy and the other is unwilling to help or at least address or acknowledge this, then this is not a marriage that can survive happily.
Another good read Five Love Languages
Dude, I've read it. It's such a great book - makes you think about yourself and others a lot. We actually talked about it before we started the relationship..our love languages. However, I'm still learning hers and how she is. Clearly.
The Five Love Languages
This book may or may not be of use ... but I did skim it and I did find it interesting: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343518143&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=love+languages
Different people have different ways of communicating "i love you" and it might help to understand his particular way in context of some logical guidelines.
Five Finger Death Punch.
The five love languages.
Fast Five.
Five hour energy.
Wrigley's 5 Rain Spearmint Gum.
High five!
Have you ever heard of the book 'The 5 Love Languages'?
It describes the 5 different ways that people generally express love, which are:
People are usually a combo of two or three with one being really dominant. For example, I am quality time combined with receiving gifts and my husband is physical touch and acts of service, which can really make for some complicated holidays.
We recognize though that we each have different needs and desires and that's OK. So I think you should talk to your SO about this and maybe grab this book.
You can take a free test to find out what your love languages are on the official website. I have a feeling you're receiving gifts and your wife is not. Maybe think about the ways she usually expresses love to you. Does she ever complain about not getting one of the 5 above things from you?
Good luck!
I'm sorry you find your friends' gestures to be so empty. I'm about as non-materialistic as they come, so I understand all too well what it's like to receive a gift that misses the mark. There's a chapter in The 5 Love Languages that I think you'd do well to read. Your library probably has five copies of it, so it won't cost you a dime to read.
There's a book about the 5 love languages. Haven't read it but I have heard, and agree with, the basic concept: different people need different types of reinforcement to feel loved. Some need to hear compliments and "I love you" often. Others needs gifts. Others need "acts of service" such as doing chores without being asked. Others just need time and attention, such as a regular date night. You may try explaining to your SO what your needs are and asking him what his needs are: how would HE prefer that you express your love for him. You might learn something really important and useful.
Here is my list, they are mostly books which have helped me to live a better life, so not so much suited for a bucket-list as books which should be read early in life:
I recently read a book about how people have different ways of feeling loved. You might try reading the book and figuring out your husband's "Love Language" and acting according to it.
I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.
I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.
If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.
After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.
Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.
This is the one I have.
Get these books and read them together. Doesn't matter if you are single, looking, engaged, newly wed, or on your silver anniversary.
You should check out "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;sr=8-1&amp;qid=1410391211
This sounds less like a poly issue and more like an issue with your husband. Obviously this story is one-side, so rather than jump on the divorce band wagon, I'm going to suggest that you try reading [The 5 Love Languages] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156). He may honestly believe he's expressing interest in you and withdrawing when you tell him you feel ignored. Or maybe he's ignoring you and the relationship can't be saved. I don't know because I don't live with it, but try the book and try having him read it too. See what you learn here. If that doesn't work, then I would argue that you should look into why you want to be with someone that doesn't make you feel fulfilled in your relationship with them.
I'd like to recommend the book The 5 Love Languages. I'm guessing you and your fiance may just have different ways of giving and receiving love and affection. I also recommend crate training your dog or if possible getting him a fenced-in outdoor area where he can blow off steam. Good luck!
28M here, I am with a 23F g/f of three and a half years (soon to be proposing, but shh, don't tell her) We are very happy together and I can offer you some basic tips.
Okay, so after venting on someone who gave you a real dog turd nugget of advice, I am going to offer something practical and if my fellow redditors downvote me so be it. (I actually don't give shits about Karma, but I do want to give you constructive advice)
Your problem is not rooted in non-monogamy, it is rooted in a much more basic relationship issue. People express and receive feelings of love much differently. Generally, there are five types of expression
Acts of service (honey, I cleaned the house)
Gift Giving (self explanatory)
Kind words (saying "I love you/appreciate you")
physical touch (sex, cuddling, etc)
And MOST RELEVANT to you Quality Time
Now, his hunting is the activity, but his lack of understanding your need of Quality Time is the true cause of your issues. You need to communicate this to him. Tell him you appreciate the things he does, and my guess is that he probably tries to do other things on the list, guys particularly put a lot of weight into gift giving, because that's what society tells us males to do when you females are unhappy.
Communicate. Also, if my suggestion is of any merit for you, then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
This book changed my life and my relationship is incredible as a result. If you're getting serious, read it! Oh and best of luck
Edited for formatting
I'm betting on smooches not smacks. So she won't hit you
This book would be awesome
Thanks for the contest!
I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D Chapman http://www.amazon.com/dp/0802473156/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_tsXjtb0324YCH
Seriously check out The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
Two super easy reads that will (hopefully) stick with you forever:
Sex God by Rob Bell will change the way you approach ALL the important relationships in your life,
and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman will change the way you approach the MOST important relationship in your life.
Both of those books were recommended to me by a therapist, and I literally laughed. I read them both four years ago, and they still shape the way I try to connect with people. I hope they'll do that for you too!
I also recommend this short book. It's saved some marriages.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156
It most likely isn't going to get better with your wife. I know the pain of being with someone who doesn't care about your sexual needs. She is happy with the way things are so why should anything change?
It sucks because sex is probably one of your love languages so you are missing that part of love you want to share and receive from your wife.
I know you /r/deadbedrooms is depressing, but I will tell you, but it just happens to so many people. Here are a couple more links for you... but I will tell you, they are going to still be depressing:
(this link is sorted by the most popular posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=popular
(this link is sorted by the most recent posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=recent
So yeah, I am giving more than a couple of links... Here is one story that was on that forum but the user deleted her profile and story but I managed to save it before it completely disappeared from the internet (made it into an image because I didn't know how else to link the PDF file):
http://i.imgur.com/npRNKaV.jpg
And then there is is forum thread:
http://forums.menshealth.com/topic/63643898167189984
You should seek marital counseling with her, but I don't know if she will agree to go if she doesn't truly acknowledge there is a problem.
There is also a book about identifying your partner's love languages that you could both read and hope it helps:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396643010&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=love+language
But reading so many other peoples' stories it is pretty obvious it is more rare that things get better...
>it sure doesn't feel good to have your desires ignored.
Leave him.
You will be doing him a favor.
>I bring it up about once a week now,
Do you have any idea what you sound like? Any? Any. Any?
>He just doesn't give a shit because he doesn't see it as important.
It's not. Buy yourself one.
He probably thinks it's enough to be loving and committed. Imagine that!
Someone says:
>I bet the people who called you a materialistic whore own a shit ton of video games.
So, FWIW, I don't own ANY. Zero. A computer is a good that has actual use, which you are comparing with a ring because your idea of utility isn't what most people's idea is of usefulness.
>I'm posting this to remind those of you with girlfriends to be nice to them, because while we will put up with a lot, it sure doesn't feel good to have your desires ignored.
"We!" I love it. Different people have different standards by which they conceive of 'love'. You need things given to you. He doesn't do that, he probably does one of the other 4.
Please read the book and get some fucking perspective.
>I don't think he loves me less, he's just not very good about showing it.
Leave him. Read the book so you understand for the next guy how your conception of love is far removed from your current boyfriends' conception of love, but please do leave him. He deserves better. I feel positively dirty even reading your horrific musings, but no one here is actually setting you straight or giving you some useful reading.