Reddit mentions of The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills -- and Leave a Positive Impression!

I learnt to game socialising really early on. I learnt (mechanically sometimes) how to mirror people, how to ask open ended questions, how to be charming (listen more than you talk) etc.

I put on my "doing things" armour and I pop around the shops, chatting and smiling to acquaintances, the checkout lady, the lass at the bakery and the bloke who runs the grocer. I smile when I answer the phone... I used to play a game when I worked a checkout, that if someone came up in a bad mood, that I would have them smiling by the end of their transaction. I call it "being fluffy".

I'm NOT fluffy :) Even slightly :) But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the world is full of unhappiness and shitty behaviour, and I undo it where I can. Most of the time.

So the point is, you need a functioning persona who is fluffy. Learn it mechanically if you have to. You can then enjoy having a chat with your hairdresser, some random at a party, the lady next to you on the bus, the lonely old lady who comes into the shop; without it touching you, affecting you, or exhausting you.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I can have utterly uncensored conversations with. Both hands if I take out the woo :) I have fairly extreme Spiritual and Political opinions :)

So look at books like "How To Win Friends and Influence People" - you might think its a hokey as shit (it is :) - but read it anyway. Look at the other books Amazon recommends when you look it up The Fine Art Of Small Talk for example. Click on the ranking guides for Bestselling Conversation Guides... It just.... almost an acting class... It helps you to glide through the small, frustrating, unfulfilling conversations that make up most of your everyday life. They just wash over you, because it is an alter ego dealing with them, not you.

If you come across someone with a bit more spark in them, drop something a bit deeper, a bit meatier. Look for events like "Philosophy in the Pub" or Poetry readings where you're more likely to meet deep and meaningful people :)

I have "tells". I talk about angels (everybody loves angels), Extinction Rebellion, Regeneration 2040, that we're in a Mercury retrograde, that my husband had to salt his office door against an HR troll... I'm looking for witchy marxists, basically :) :)

But ONE of these things, not all of them. If I get a snort, or disquiet, or even a blank look I back right off. But every now and then, someone goes "Yeah really messy against this background eclipse season and with Neptune squaring Jupiter" and I know I've hit a tribe member :)

Think of the things you love having deep conversations about, and build "lures" to drop into conversations. That way, when someone responds positively, you'll have found someone that you can build a more intimate rapport with.

I find with people I can actually talk to, I find ways to see them more often :) I've just found out that one of my bellydancing friends is really into tarot. I'm already plotting some sort of event I can invite her to :) Possibly a Storytelling event by candlelight, or a Sound Healing. You'll know these people when you hit them !! Find some way of staying in touch !

Well that's my 2000 words for the day :) I hope I haven't talked your ear off and that some of it is useful !

The best and easiest way is to become part of some local group, whether that's sport, cooking, social causes etc. - this can really be anyting. The secret to making friends is shared experience above all else. Most importantly be regular, since it takes some time for you to go from being an acquaintance, group member to friend.

I too dislike social occasions. But something most people don't realise is that Christmas, weddings, birthdays and the associated banter and exchanges are not an end in themselves. The point is to be in the company of others and connect. I guess you did something similar with your gamer friends, I mean there are plenty of single-player games that would allow you to 100% avoid human contact.

I don't really care about how your kids are really into fidget spinners now or how you've repainted your house (I doubt anyone does), but it's something to talk about while we hangout.

I think like myself you've never had to work on your social skills are I'd recommend researching a little about how to make simple everyday conversations.

This book was a turning point in my life: https://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Small-Talk-Conversation/dp/1401302262. Btw I haven't read all of it but the first 10-20 pages were enough to get the idea (PM me if you can't afford to buy a copy, I can hook you up and I do recommend it that much!).

• Talk to people, don't wait for them to come to you.
  
• If you repeatedly keep quiet in groups you're putting your desire for comfort over everyone else's.
  
• Until you're good friends with people or are extroverted (which I don't think you are) conversation always takes some effort. And there's some discomfort associated with being the one to start conversations.
  
• Eavesdrop. Atleast you've got family in your life, eavesdrop to listen to how they start conversations and keep them going.
  
• Weather, traffic, politics and family life: perenially shunned as sign of dull conversation between dullards. Well most people are not wildly passionate about a subculture / hobby like gaming. These are the lowest common denominators for conversation - guaranteed to get you talking with anyone - and really just a jumping off point.

The book The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine is a nice book written by a former engineer about the nuances of small talk.

I would recommend this book to any introvert just so they know how to properly use it. Whether they end up using small talk or not, its up to them.

Alright, so you need to develop a few skills. Start with small steps and build up to "mastery". What are your fears? What are you struggling with the most? I don't know what's the cause for your SA, so I'll just share a few tips with you and I hope they'll be helpful. If you want you can always PM me, and I'd love to be able to help you some more.

You know how to keep a friend, but you seem to have a problem with starting friendships, so I'd like to suggest that you work on these few areas:

Body Language

It's important, becuase the first impression usually lasts the longest. It's not that you can't change it, but it likes to stick, so it's better to send the "right" signals through your body language. Here's a little post I wrote: https://anpene.com/blog/learn-body-language-with-a-head-start/ and there are plenty of other sources of knowledge on the internet and in the bookstore, so explore!

Small Talk

After the first, visual, expression comes the conversation you engage into, and let's not kid ourselves - with a newly met person it's usually small talk. And here's a set of a few tips for dealing with that: http://www.socialanxietyhome.com/the-no-sweat-guide-to-successful-small-talk/ ans also this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Small-Talk-Conversation/dp/1401302262/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451407366&sr=8-1&keywords=small+talk

Apart from these two sets of skills, remember to keep a genuine smile! As I said earlier, if you have any questions - ask, and I'll gladly respond, if the answer lies within my area of competence ;)

Your response is vague, but still marginally interesting-sounding. I can imagine why people with a reasonable amount of curiosity might ask you more. =)

Small talk is an incredibly difficult art, one that I feel I'm not even close to mastering. I've been thinking of reading this book. But perhaps there's nothing for it but practice?

Networking/asking for advice/help are all skills that can be learned. While crippling shyness is difficult to be overcome, knowing the steps in connecting with people will at least help a bit with anxiety. From that point on, you will need to practice.

I can suggest the following book (http://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Small-Talk-Conversation/dp/1401302262/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1453352267&sr=8-7&keywords=conversation), but there are others out there that can also you how to network, how to talk with people (the better books contain suggested phrases you can use when talking with people), and so on.

I am also somewhat hesitant in saying this as well, but because I find your attitude somewhat familiar to mine, I also want to tell you that pitying yourself is potentially the worst thing you can do. It stops you from taking the necessary steps to change your circumstances because one of the key sources of self-pity is hopelessness, and doing nothing will keep you in your current situation. Force yourself to make changes, even if it's just one step at a time.

Best way to get around it is to practice and gauge reaction from different people and use this to plan your timing in the future. I'd start with small stories that you know down pat and have memorized like an actor would have memorized a script.

You also might try not telling stories in strict chronological order. Like in writing an essay, you want to open up with something big--your true subject of the story.
My friend told me a story recently and he opened up with something like, "Do you know what it's like to be stung on the dick by a jelly fish? I found out this weekend." Of course, my reaction was "What?! Tell me how that happened."
If he opened up the story with, "So, this weekend I went on a date with a girl on her boat." I'd be less inclined to be interested in his story beyond the fact that I care about him and I want him to have a nice date. If I didn't know him as well, and he had opened up with how his date went and THEN told me about his dick getting stung, I might actually think he was a little odd--like he tricked me into listening to a story about a date so he could talk to me about his dick. I'd feel a little off-putted by it. By opening with telling me he was on a date, the subject of the story is the date, not being stung on the dick. The humor is either lost or made by how he opens the story.

Just for a note, being stung on the dick by a jellyfish is truly painful and I don't recommend trying it, especially on a date.

You also might want to work on setting the beats to your story. My father is an ENFJ and he's particularly good at telling stories and gauging reactions in anticipation of his audience. He will switch out details and add on parts to stories depending on his audience and the environment he's telling the story in. Stories have comedic beats and it's good to make sure you're following a formula that most people are accustom to. Here's an article outlining what beats are and how to use them for a job interview.. Here's a beat outline for TV show writing. Although you probably want this for just general conversation, knowing how dialogue works within a script could help you figure out how to plan your story for real life.

Also, you might want to figure out specifically why they're not reacting. Was it at a bad time? Does the person find your story inappropriate or distasteful? Was it just a boring story generally?
Any one of these could illicit a negative reaction irrespective of good story telling. Reading body language helps with this tremendously--as I'm sure you know--pointed feet away from you means they're trying to leave a conversation. Holding someone in a conversation they don't want to be in in the first place will make any great story flop.

I'd also watch standup comedy. This may sound silly, but these guys are essentially professional story tellers. You wouldn't want to use the exact same techniques that a standup would on stage, but I'd take notes on things like how they start and finish the story, when they break to pause ect. Another good place to watch comedians is when they're interviewed--this is a more natural environment that requires two people to engage in conversation and requires one of them to tell a few light stories to entertain the host and audience.

I often start a story and realize it's boring and pointless. At this point I'll stop my boring ass story by switching to being self depreciating humor, making light of how bad my story is that I'm telling. It allows myself an out while letting the other person know that I'm aware that I'm telling the worst story ever and we can just laugh about it and move on instead of them feeling like they're trapped.

EDIT:
Here are some books that might interest you:
Long Story Short: The Only Storytelling Guide You'll Ever Need

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism

How to Win Friends & Influence People


The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills

Also, good luck dude! You'll get better and just keep practicing. :)

Hey man, I feel you. I've just gone through a pretty brutal past two years (4 years if we want to be really honest), and am getting back on the "get out there and enjoy life" horse. It should be easy, but it ain't.

First thing you gotta do is recognize that it's going to be easier to make smaller changes that gradually expand your comfort zone than it is to just try to jump in the deep end of the pool. The great thing is that you have a whole summer holiday to work your way to that deep end.

You need hobbies that get you out of the house, or that you can do just as easily out in public. Drawing, photography, jogging, kiting, writing, history (tours and museums), dancing, etc. There's a lot of awesome things that you can engage in out in the world. Like music? Discover your local music scene. Like wine? Find a wine tasting group or go tour some wineries.

No one to go on adventures with you? Then go alone. There's nothing wrong with eating at a restaurant bar or table for one. There's no reason you can't hit a coffeeshop and watch some videos while sipping on an americano. No one cares if your by yourself at the movies; at least you're not loudly talking to your buds like a douche asshole.

So my advice right now is to go out and do things on your own. Don't even worry about talking with people or being more sociable. Just get outside of your house and do things. Get used to that.

After you're used to being out in public on your own, find yourself a copy of The Fine Art of Small Talk and read it. Then start putting that into practice. I've gotten about halfway through and it's got some good tactics in there.

Don't even worry about dating right now. Just focus on getting comfortable being out and on your own. When you're comfortable in your own skin, you'll be better company for those friends who are too "busy" to hang out with you now.

> I am also female. Not a sir.

I use "sir" anyway because it's Reddit. What can I say? It makes for a funny line. It does give one pause though to think that the assumed gender in Reddit discussions is male.

Speaking of reading books, you might want to try this one too. I found it really helped my conversational skills and greatly changed my approach to groups of new people.

Real life is indeed stranger than fiction.

I read this book and it actually helped me quite a bit:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Fine-Art-Small-Talk/dp/1401302262

I sympathize with you and wish you the best. I've been there.

My advice is to remember that, while we can sometimes feel like special little snowflakes because of our principles, remember that you are part of a massive ummah of believers. You and your struggles are not so unique- it's just that the mainstream floods every medium with it's influence so as to make it appear as the only option. The truth is you are one in a community of many, rowing against the tide.

Making and finding good friends is a numbers game. So keep playing the numbers. And with every failed relationship- Allah (swt) may have been protecting you. In fact it's quite likely given the pool from which you are selecting.

Stick to your principles and keep grinding. Clubs, MSA. I know you said you are putting yourself out there and that's good, keep at it and insha'Allah you'll meet good people. Try meeting people at your mosque. Are there any youth groups in your area? A YM (Young Muslims) chapter perhaps? If not, maybe you can start one. If you find it difficult meeting new people, I recommend this great book. There are many others like it as well. Getting married is another thing to seriously think about if you aren't yet. Again, I wish you the best. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

Depends a lot on how old you are, I think. Grownup parties usually involve food, alcohol, smalltalk and maybe flirting. Watch this week's "Mad Men", it hasn't really changed much, except the fashions are different and you rarely see the host's wife sing "Zou Bisou Bisou".

Sometimes people will play a board game or charades or something. Sometimes parties have a theme. There are books about how to make small talk, by the way, although I can't really say it has helped me much.

I realize you're probably 17, but you didn't specify and I didn't want to assume.

Along with all the good advice of others here, I would also emphasize practice. This will boost your confidence as well as your abilities to converse.

I do this all the time at check out counters where people are forced to be friendly with you. A nearly universal question they ask is "How are you?" or "How is your day?" Make a point of answering them, and then asking the same question of them. It's easy, fairly predictable, and quick.

>I feel like crap when someone's talking to me and all I could say is "Yeah", "Mhm"

Try your hardest to maintain eye contact. Don't stare. Strive for ~80%. That, more than anything, shows interest. Also slightly leaning in is body language for interest (you want to listen more closely).

As well as Dale Carnegie's book, I also recommend The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine.

http://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Small-Talk-Conversation/dp/1401302262/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317630196&sr=8-1

In addition to “just being a friend”, some mechanics and techniques in terms of conversation skills may be helpful. I recommend this book if you can buy it (or borrow from your local library).

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills -- and Leave a Positive Impression!