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Reddit mentions of The Gift of Fear

Sentiment score: 11
Reddit mentions: 49

We found 49 Reddit mentions of The Gift of Fear. Here are the top ones.

The Gift of Fear
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Found 49 comments on The Gift of Fear:

u/SwiggyBloodlust · 207 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> If I'm being completely honest, even with the RO I think she will still come for us.

You are correct. Someone this far gone doesn't understand limitations. They really do think on a different plane of existence. Please read The Gift of Fear if you haven't already. (It's free with Kindle Unlimited, if anyone reading is interested.)

 

Regarding what people have said and what you have said about feeling sorry for SMIL. It's odd how black-and-white people think of things like this. You can feel sorry for someone and still never want anything to do with them. Pity is frankly worse than hatred, anyway. Maybe she'll get well and maybe she won't but you are very right in that you can't take any chances.

 

Flying Monkeys often lack not only information but empathy. They can't fully grasp what a situation is like if it doesn't happen directly to them. It's still very painful to have them swarm at you but my tactic is keeping in mind that they just don't have the emotional intelligence to comprehend. Once again, pity trumps hate.

 

When this has settled down a bit I truly hope you are able to find some time to attend therapy. Therapy is a wonderful sounding board in which to learn techniques to process trauma — and this has been traumatic as a mothertrucker. We are all thinking about you. Thank you for checking in. XO

u/secret-x-stars · 23 pointsr/bestoflegaladvice

i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like $10 $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.

u/Skadwick · 17 pointsr/politics

For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.

Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.

u/[deleted] · 12 pointsr/relationships

I think the comments themselves are innocuous, but what is making you uncomfortable is something else - and you should listen to that feeling.

It seems to me that it isn't the content of the comments, but that they are very very frequent, and that he clearly is attracted to you and wants you to know it, despite the fact that you are both in relationships and are coworkers. That speaks to both his poor judgment and a BIG crush on you. In addition, the fact that he blatantly stares at your chest while talking to you is VERY disrespectful, and he knows it, and he may be enjoying your discomfort while skating the line of appropriate. ("What? I didn't say anything wrong to her!")

I'm not saying you need to get him fired, or disciplined, or even go to HR, or anything. But you should continue to be wary of him. Make sure you aren't alone with him, make sure you shut his comments down - don't joke with him, follow pumpkin_love's advice. Consider avoiding him altogether.

(Also - read Gavin DeBecker's book "The Gift of Fear" http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0036Z9U2A?btkr=1 for more on listening to your instincts.)

u/sethra007 · 12 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> this woman is smarter than the others. she knows how to play nice, bide her time and strike when it will hurt the most. she is the most dangerous type of crazy, the one who gets away with it.

New Friend DIL:

First of all, welcome to this sub! You will find to your relief that you and your DH are absolutely not alone in having to deal with horrible MILs.

Please be sure to go through the Worst of the Worst MILs linked in the sidebar, as well as the Top Posts of All Time. Be prepared for some deeply frightening stories. No lie, there have been MILs who have killed or attempted to kill their DILs or SILs, have kidnapped their grandchildren, and more.

I point you to those stories to help you understand exactly how far crazy MILs are willing to go. u/cheshireslaciei's post indicates that you've let her back into your life before. I want you to understand that continuing to do so could potentially end up with one of you dead. This woman nearly murdered DIL with an allergen, (very probably) killed your dog, and has manipulated things so that any link to her involvement is tenuous at best. And on top of that, she's shown she's will to run a long con in order to hurt someone. Psychologically, that places her firmly in with the likes of many developing serial killers. You need to react accordingly.

u/cheshireslaciei says that you're NC for good this time, but just in case you feel tempted years down the road to try it again? Re-read those stories I linked to before you do so.

I apologize if my tone is blunt, and I want to assure you that you're among friends here. The people on this sub are amazing and will give you the gift of what they learned from their experiences with MILs who terrorize their families. They will encourage you when you're down, listen while you vent, advise you when you need help, and be there when no one else understands.

But I also want to make clear: you're dealing with a level of pure malice that this group has encountered too many times (start with "MIL in the Wild: “You’re such a bad little girl. See, mummy’s leaving you here. She’s gone without you. No car for you” and then read the updates). We've seen how things play out with MILs like this (start with "Vacation Bitch: the Beginning"). We know how this movie ends

I want to encourage you to trust your instincts on how dangerous this woman is (read The Gift of Fear to understand why this is important). You cannot cut this cancer out of your life fast enough.


u/cheshireslaciei: I absolutely hate it that you're going through all of this for being a decent human being and standing up to protect a child. I'm so proud of you for doing that, I can't begin to imagine how hard all of this is on you. I wish there was something I could do to help, and I cannot wish enough bad things on this woman.

u/_Internet_Hugs_ · 11 pointsr/ENFP

You need to read The Gift of Fear. It explains all about how we pick up subconscious clues that add up to those feelings. ENFP just happen to be really good at it. Plus, we're super curious about people so we ask a lot of questions and that can lead to answers that just don't quite jive. Add enough of those to the little things and we get bad vibes.

u/whiffypants · 11 pointsr/IAmA

> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.

Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.

His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.

He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.

Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.

u/thesecondkira · 10 pointsr/SRSWomen

The fact that you have a bad felling about this, that says something to me. You may not feel you are as adept socially as others, but I believe everyone has survival instincts. Do not be afraid to be rude, if you are uncomfortable. So much violence against women happens because women are taught to be "nice." I would recommend Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. He talks about this, because while it's important not to be afraid to be rude, it's also important not to live in paranoia.

u/fivecentpsychiatrist · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If/when he DOES move out, make sure you change all the locks throughout the apt, change the code if there's a code to get into the building, and tell your neighbors that you'd appreciate knowing if they see Ex-Roommate around the property.

The more people who know that he is potential trouble, the easier it will be for you to stay safe.

I would also recommend adding a peephole to the front door if possible. Install a small cover on the inside so it can't be used in reverse, and always check it if there's a knock/ring. If you don't see anyone on the other side of the door, don't open it, period.

And finally, I also also recommend grabbing a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This book really helps you follow your intuition and gives a lot of tips to keep yourself safe without living in paranoia.

u/amishbill · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If physical tools of defense are not allowed, the only option for anyone, especially a physically small person, is mindset and awareness.

Learning how to talk to someone without escalating the situation is a valuable skill. Verbal Judo is a good book on the topic. ( A slightly different version - Verbal Judo )

Being able to recognize and process the sources of uneasiness and fear lets you react in a calm and planned manner instead of fear based panic. This is often enough to keep the potential Bad Thing^tm from happening at all. The Gift of Fear can help you recognize ways Bad People^tm try to manipulate 'nice' people into bad situations.

u/Twzl · 9 pointsr/dogs

The advice about a restraining order is spot on.

But this guy has lots of stuff going on, that indicates he may not GAF about silly things like a restraining order.

I'd be really careful when you're out and about and pay full attention to what's going on around you. When you're with your dog odds are you're fine, as this guy is not going to go near your dog. But if you drive to the local supermarket, park near the entrance, and don't decide to go at 2 AM for an ice cream run or something.

I worked on the streets of NYC for more than 30 years, including during the crack epidemic. I never felt like I was in imminent danger, but I also was really strict about paying attention to things. This book? He talks a great deal about how to keep yourself safe, and I think it may be worth a read.

And whatever happens, don't believe for one second that you can be friends or whatever with this guy. He's a serious mess, and if he steers clear of you after this, good. If not, like I said, pay attention to what's going on around you, and keep yourself safe.

And good boi you own there.

u/wrestlegirl · 8 pointsr/breakingmom

Have you read "The Gift of Fear"?
Good book. Pick up a copy if you can.

Listen to your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or that something was off, it's okay. Our subconscious brains can pick up on little bits of information (facial microexpressions, body language, etc) that we don't consciously notice and if something is off you'll get a bad feeling.

I'm not saying you should call the police or start posting signs all over the neighborhood.
I am saying that there's nothing wrong with making sure to keep your distance from people who make you uncomfortable.

Quit second guessing yourself. :)

u/KimberlyInOhio · 7 pointsr/Advice

You're well shut of this guy. Rushing into a proposal like that, without ever having discussed it with you before, in public with all the parents there to pressure you into accepting? Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Good for you! There were more graceful ways you could have declined, but you weren't prepared for this giant leap and were honest. You did fine, and his reaction has shown you that your decision was the correct one.

Now, take care of yourself. Be alert for signs of unstable behavior on his part and keep yourself safe. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a good read for anyone, and I'd say a doubly good read for someone in your shoes.

u/westcoastal · 6 pointsr/AITA

This guy is bad news. You did absolutely nothing wrong and this guy is showing all the behaviours of someone with serious issues. The sudden freak out, the long texts, CONTACTING A FRIEND? For your own safety and well being you should stay away from him. He will most likely try to suck you back in. Don't fall for it.

And yes, saying he wants to meet your family and talking about Christmas gifts on the third date? Huge red flag. Your initial instincts were dead on. You should trust those instincts more. Have you ever read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear? If not I recommend it.

u/Hexenschuss · 6 pointsr/creepyPMs

+1. Replying likely wouldn't have worked. There's an interesting book that touches on this subject. It is called THE GIFT OF FEAR. It is kind of about stalkers but also talks about communication strategies for dealing with infatuated people. TL;DR: any response is bad. OP handled it by the book. At least this book: The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_rlyFyb4VDAJRP

u/Pixelated_Penguin · 5 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

"Reasonable" notice means some notice. Not none. The only way they can go in with NO notice is for an emergency, like a burst pipe or a fire or something. Talk to the landlord; explain that you're not comfortable with the changes in how maintenance is accessing your apartment; you want a roster of everyone who is allowed to access your apartment; and you want at least 24 hours notice for any routine repairs (along with exactly who to expect). Also, check your lease... it probably specifies how much notice they are supposed to give and in what circumstances they can enter without notice. Insist they abide by that provision.

Don't dismiss the "vibe" you're getting from your new neighbor. You don't know what's triggering that but it's not just noise. Read The Gift of Fear and you will have a whole lot more confidence in asserting your own security.

See if you can meet any of your other neighbors. Not knowing anyone is awkward. You don't have to become best buds, but so that you know their name and which unit they live in (and so you can get a sense of whether this person seems like someone you can trust).

I've only lived alone for less than a year, and was living in the same apartment building as my fiance at the time, so as for the other stuff, I've never done it but never been in the same situation. I would be less concerned about valuables, though, and more about personal safety.

u/just_another_primate · 5 pointsr/bodybuilding

IMMEDIATELY read a book called The Gift of Fear

Not kidding. Get it and read it ASAP.

u/IllDoMeThnx · 5 pointsr/bodybuilding

You are in danger. Get out ASAP.

"The Gift of Fear"

u/bugdog · 4 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

You ought to read a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It talks about trusting your gut I'm situations like the one you were in at the park. I think it should be required reading in high school, actually, because we (all of us, but women especially) have made being political correct more important than personal safety.

It's something your mom ought to read, too. She shouldn't be dismissive of your encounter. For all either of you know, those men could have been human traffickers. They could have been hairdressers, too, but it is way better to get the fuck out of Dodge than to ignore your instincts and end up in a bad place.

u/Renaiconna · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

>The book 'a gift of fear' may be helpful to you, and break your conditioning to be 'nice' and not say no.

Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. I cannot stress how important it is that you read this book. If you have a Kindle, or at least the Kindle app on your phone, put it on your Amazon wish list and pm me the link. I will seriously buy it for you, the book is that helpful, especially for a young woman living in a large city. The things I learned from this book have helped me so much to adjust to living in Baltimore and has literally saved my life on at least one occasion. Please please please read this book!

u/Hotblack_Desiato_ · 3 pointsr/xxfitness

Definitely go for boxing.

The problem with martial arts today is that they are taken completely out of context, and are missing a lot of what they need to be truly effective. For disclosure, I've studied various forms of martial arts for over 15 years, and have recently done a lot of study of their history, and of the old European martial arts that were "lost" for a long time.

Modern martial arts grew out of fighting systems that were taught to young fighters for use in battle. You probably already surmised this. What doesn't occur to most people is that the young men who were taught these systems came into them already familiar with fighting. Almost everywhere you look in the ancient and medieval world, wherever there was a warrior class, Spartans, Samurai, west european Gens-d'Armes, the young boys of that class were taught and encouraged to do things like wrestling and boxing; relatively simple combat sports. "Just fuckin' hit each other." In short, they came into their more advanced fighting system classes already familiar with the physical and psychological sensations of beating the snot out of a living human being, and having someone try to do the same to them.

It turns out that these two things are the most important issues to deal with in a self-defense situation:

  1. Getting hit. Deliberate violence is so utterly alien to most of us that we assume, automatically, and against our own instincts and observations, that when someone transgresses our personal space, it's unintentional. If you ask people who have been jumped, the first thing that went through their heads, almost uniformly, was something like this thought "Maybe it's a mistake, he can't be hitting me, noone does that," and they refused to accept what was happening until several seconds after it began.

  2. Hitting someone. Related to the above, we are, again, so strongly-conditioned against violence that we can't bring ourselves to hurt someone under most circumstances. We are so conditioned to just meekly putting up with people being jerks that when someone being a jerk becomes someone assaulting you, we're still unable to do anything truly effective because to look another human being in the face and to deliberately smash that face to a bloody pulp is one of the most utterly alien and repulsive concepts we can contemplate. We are conditioned all our lives not to do such things, and yet, being assaulted and fighting back effectively requires us to do just that. It's an extremely high wall for most people climb in the heat of the moment, and as a woman, the problem might very well be double for you.

    Another issue is fitness. If we once again consider our archetypal young fighter, he's already in good shape when he goes to learn these specific techniques. He runs, rides, wrestles, climbs, all that stuff. He's already hardened when he steps into the dojo or the salle.

    So, to bring this all together martial arts techniques he learns, and whose derivatives we study today, are merely the capstone of a broad suite of training that prepares this young man to be a soldier. They are the garlic-chive compound butter that melts over, mingles with, and ultimately seasons the steak that is his fitness and experience in what we would call "combat sports."

    So what does this mean for you? What is more important than the specific techniques and systems of combat that most martial arts trainers teach is simple familiarity with the sensation of fighting someone. For this I suggest boxing. It's rock simple and it's one of the few martial arts where training for the art itself involves a LOT of physical training. Combat athletes are the most all-round fit people there are. They have to have everything.

    There are some books that you should read, regardless of what you choose to go with. They address the psychology of violence and threats to safety, and thinking about those things the right way is >85% of self-defense.

    Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial-Arts Training and Real-World Violence

    The Gift of Fear

    The first is pretty much what it sounds like. The guy who wrote it has been a cop and prison guard for twenty-some-odd years, and averages more fights in a week than most of us have our whole lives.

    The second is by a guy who runs a firm that evaluates security threats to celebrities and organisations. It's all about threat prediction, intuition, and otherwise recognizing danger before it gets to you.

    Again, whatever system you choose, I cannot recommend strongly enough that you buy and read these two books. They will do more for your personal safety than six months of nearly any kind of training you can get.
u/BlueSuedeSneakers · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I want to give your friend (and you) a giant hug. This is real, this happens, this sucks. My first question is whether or not she can transfer to a different college or a community college near you: it sounds like it's a toxic atmosphere for a lot of reasons.

This is a really helpful book when it comes to recognizing abuse signals: http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-of-Fear-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1334187544&sr=8-3 (I linked to the Kindle edition, you can download a free app for it.) Here's a hotline for domestic violence support: http://www.thehotline.org/ I've called it when I was worried for friends before.

As for therapy, if she doesn't trust the university counseling service, here are some great resources for free/cheap therapy: http://captainawkward.com/2011/09/22/how-to-locate-low-cost-mental-health-care-in-the-us-and-canada-guest-post/

Unfortunately, you can't "make" your friend do anything, and you can't force her to leave the relationship, get help, or seek therapy. You can be there for her, but the decisions have to come from her. And quite possibly, giving her this information herself, if she's unprepared, might cause her to wall up. Be gentle, and be there for her.

u/wvmp · 3 pointsr/FreeAtheism

Looks like the bad guys are winning, since they can use intimidation to remove reports about how bad they are. They should hire someone like De Becker.

u/apestate · 3 pointsr/CampingandHiking

I think you obeyed your instincts. The Gift of Fear

u/high_pH_bitch · 3 pointsr/CasualConversation

This is probably an interesting read for the two of you.

u/nekonamida · 3 pointsr/relationships

>from day one he pushed more than I was comfortable with.
>
>If I asked him to back off he'd get angry and tell me that I just didn't know how to communicate, that he didn't know what I meant by "space" and that him not giving me what I wanted was just because I didn't know how to ask for it. Several times I would ask him to just let me initiate our conversations for a while, because I was feeling really overwhelmed. That would last about two days and then he would tell me I wasn't being fair and was just shutting him out.

This is the big red flag he was waving right off the bat that you missed. When someone agrees with a boundary you set (such as giving you space) and then pushes it, they have proven themselves to be a disrespectful person at best and a dangerous person at worst. When you confront said person about said boundary and they blame you, they've outed themselves as manipulative and shitty.

>Eventually I decided that our problems were related to our not being in an official relationship, and I felt like I was ready, so I said okay, let's be in a relationship. Nothing really got better, except now he felt like he could have more control over how often we talked.

Getting in to a relationship NEVER solves pre-relationship problems. It makes them worse. He was already controlling and manipulating you and you some how thought giving him more reason to control was going to solve that? No, that's naive.

>Is this salvageable?

Why would you want to stay with someone who disrespects you, pushes your boundaries, controls you, manipulates you, and generally treats you like crap under the disguise of love and care? Where is your self respect?

>Has anyone been in a relationship with this level of insecurity and issues and survived?

I've never been in a relationship this unhealthy before because I notice warning signs such as boundary pushing and I don't date people who do that. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker because you are in an abusive relationship and desperate to appease your emotional abuser. Next time you ignore the red flags you could find yourself beaten, severely injured, or even dead by the person you claim to love.

u/Wordfan · 2 pointsr/booksuggestions

I have not read it but someone in another thread recommended The Gift of Fear.. Link to the comment

u/unbearablebarebear · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

Read The Gift of Fear and try to use that to help you figure shit out? I dunno. That book is on my wishlist but I've heard good things about it.

u/NullOverflow · 2 pointsr/ProtectAndServe

>You should learn to trust your instincts. I tell every young woman that I know personally to always trust that feeling they have when something doesn't seem right. You are having that feeling.

Also, The Gift of Fear is a good book that expounds on that theory.

u/Infidel8 · 2 pointsr/Blackfellas

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

The author is a security specialist for governments and public figures. This book is about how to predict and avoid personal violence. I don't know how useful or accurate it is, but it's incredibly interesting.

u/k9centipede · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

If he acts shitty, why do YOU need to compromise? Your existence does not deserve shitty behavior. Hes the one with the problem.

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060976497/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_JXXCCb9WK17EP

The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_kYXCCbYG5AAQ2

Are two books that helped me realize that when someone acted shitty at me, it was THEM being shitty not just me misunderstanding things. Or that because I understood the cause of the shitty behavior, I have to accept it.

u/TM20 · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

I feel a constant need to plug The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for this very thing.

u/Fey_fox · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Trying to avoid hurting her feelings isn’t the way to go here. She’s lucky you’re the type to not take advantage of her, but soon she may find a guy who won’t be so kind.

She needs to understand that by being overly sexual isn’t the way to get people to like you. That coming on to her friend’s dad is playing with fire. She risks nuking her relationship with her friend and your family, and is not considering what risks she’s putting you in because this could ruin your reputation, friendships, and your marriage.

I don’t get why you kept quiet about this honestly. If a 18 yr old was on my ass like that I’d be telling my spouse at least. Also I agree you should have called or brought along another person when picking her drunk ass up. Good thing you blocked her.

I understand not wanting to get her in trouble, or don’t want to hurt her... but understand she’s engaging in very risky behavior that can hurt her much worse than getting shot down by her friend’s dad. Abusive relationships, unwanted pregnancy, or you name it.

I suggest you get this book your daughter, and for her. You can’t stop them from making poor life choices but you can at least help arm them with tools to spot abuse and danger before it happens


As for her. Do not be alone with her. If she doesn’t stop. Shut the shit down in no uncertain terms. Be direct. Set firm boundaries, and inform the other people close to you what has been going on ad what you intend to do. Get ahead of it before she does something immature. No means no, and she needs to understand that.

I’m not for slut shaming or anything. If she wants to explore her sexuality that’s fine, but she should find appropriate partners closer to her age.

u/beyond_hate · 2 pointsr/Libertarian

Human beings suffer from the illusion of control, and are very bad at risk assessment and probability. Bad people do bad things. Security-after-the-fact through reactionary patches doesn't work in the cybersecurity world, and it doesn't work in the real world either.

A great and sobering book on these topics is "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Baker.

u/inconspicuous_ant · 2 pointsr/gifs

Did you by any chance read The Gift of Fear?

Really fascinating book. Covers a lot about how to deal with stalkers and also about trusting your 'instinct' when you fear something or someone which is applicable to anyone, not just women.

u/SixtiesKid · 2 pointsr/NarcissisticAbuse

Just wanted to second the recommendation of "The Gift of Fear". And to give my support to the OP.

u/VigilanteBones · 1 pointr/witchcraft

Yeah, I'm gonna second that you should absolutely prioritize mundane options here. File a police report, set up security cameras if you have the means, get a notebook and dedicate it to recording any interactions with your neighbors that are even slightly threatening. Maybe hit up r/legaladvice. I also reccomend reading a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker that is about violence, harassment, and intuition. It's really eye opening and empowering.

If you're looking for a protective sigil, I reccomend this this guide to create your own. Alternatively, I like Ægishjálmr a norse symble to strike fear into one's enemies, which might have the control angle your looking for.

u/odette_decrecy · 1 pointr/actuallesbians

Good work! Here's a couple of great books for people in abusive relationships:


Lundy Bancroft's book: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Apologies for the heteronormative title. Bancroft is amazing. It's a 400 page manual on the dizzying array of ways abusive people control their partner, and how one can leave an abusive relationship safely. This is a book that you do NOT want your abusive partner to find--have a secure location, like a trusted friend's house, where you keep this one.

​

Gavin de Becker: "The Gift of Fear" How our intuition signals us to sources of danger and keeps us safe from violence. De Becker came up with a threat assessment system called MOSAIC that is the gold standard. I wish this book was required reading in high school.

​

You can do it! I left an abusive relationship in 2012, and life has continued to get better for me in ways I could never dream of.

u/iliikepie · 1 pointr/JUSTNOMIL

Before you do anything with restraining orders, please read The Gift of Fear. It's all about learning to trust your instincts. There is also a chapter devoted to abusive partners, and how to read the signs of whether or not they will commit violence toward you or others. There is a lot of advice in the book about restraining orders. A lot of the time it is sadly a very bad idea, and the woman ends up getting killed.

I'm not trying to just scare you, I want to make sure you have more information and do things in a smart way so that you and your family stay safe. Just based off what I read in your post, I would say that your husband is the kind of person that would react very poorly to a restraining order. A restraining order is just a piece of paper. It will not protect you. Often times it actually makes things worse, by angering the abuser enough to turn to violence. You should definitely still document everything with the police though.

I honestly would also get you and your mother out of her house. Go stay somewhere that your husband doesn't know about. Go to the beach, or just get a hotel in town. I am honestly very afraid that your husband will work himself up (possibly with the help of his brother and mother) and come over to your mothers house with the gun.

Please read the book! I think it will help you gain clarity and have more information on resources and what to do next.

u/bokurai · 1 pointr/creepyPMs

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I've had two stalkers, and I know how unsettling it is. Have you read The Gift of Fear? I highly recommend it, I found it to be full of good advice and it helped me contextualize my experiences.

u/withbutterflies · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Excellent job! I'm not sure if it was already mentioned, but I suggest EVERYONE (but especially women) read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. He's got chapters on a lot of things, but unwanted attention is something he goes into quite a bit. Truly an important book because it teaches us how to handle uncomfortable and potentially dangerous or irritating situations.

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https://smile.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr\_1\_1?keywords=gift+of+fear&qid=1555465465&s=books&sr=1-1

u/duckduck_goose · 1 pointr/OkCupid

You do not gently talk to him. Read that book. Block and avoid him on all fronts. If he buys anything from you do a refund/charge back on him so you're not obligated to sell him anything. Stay silent, keep blocking him, don't let him manipulate you into speaking.

Finally, the last and ONLY thing you say before the above is "I do not wish you to contact me anymore and any further communication from you will be sent directly to the police as harassment."

If you have his contact and photos screen cap them for the police and file a report when he calls your bluff.

Finally PM me a link to your store. Others can attest: I'm a girl. I just like kawaii toys.

u/complimentaryasshole · 1 pointr/myfavoritemurder

This is article is why I started listening! My friend sent me this article and recommended the podcast. :D

They're right though, fuck politeness, there's a reason your intuition is saying GTFO so never ignore it to not seem like a bitch to anyone. Especially a stranger, fuck them. In that vein I'd like to recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for anyone who has not read it. He explains how important it is to heed these warnings from ourselves. He also mentions how women are so conditioned not to offend and to ignore that shit and stay fucking safe and sexy when you know things are wrong.

u/humanityisawaste · 1 pointr/Catholicism

The first answer I'll give is more secular coming from my experience as an ER Nurse and previous EMS. You are the kind of young woman predators target. You're vulnerable, unsure and in pain. Whether it's just some letch or someone even more malevolent like a trafficker, you are the kind they like. You absolutely should get a counselor.

Also read this

On the spiritual side find a spiritual director or talk to a priest. You are a valuable person and loved by God. Reach out to him.

Wounds of the mind can lead to wounds of the spirit and the reverse.

Have you read the story of St Mary of Egypt?

u/AMoralPedo · -1 pointsr/worldnews

>Culture

If the culture actively encourages child sex abuse, then that culture should be criticized harshly. I suspect the Somalis would go far out of their way to distance themselves from this group of people. In the same way that christians would distance themselves from the WBC. In the same way that whites would distance themselves from the KKK. In the same way that jews would distance themselves from the JDL.

>a woman should be more careful around men than women

Everyone should be careful around every person they don't have an established reason to trust.