Reddit mentions of The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment

I read in The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment that the narcissistic family is defined as a family in which the needs of the parent come before the needs of the child. Everything you've just said (her blaming you for supposedly losing her looks and her social life) points to that.

Even though you still live with her, I believe that you don't have to wear what she wants you to wear. You are 25 years old. Sorry, but that just really hit home for me. Emother always got angry when I didn't like the clothing she picked out for me, and she made fun of or made some backhanded compliment about the clothing that I actually did want to wear. She didn't and still doesn't "get" my sense of fashion. Too bad! I am not a doll. I have preferences of my own that don't necessarily conform to hers.

>and also gets panicky when I don't email/text/call her back as! quickly! as! possible!

Another hallmark of the N. Power and control.

>My mother definitely uses the "you're crazy!!!" card against me every time I try to stand up for myself.

Maybe because she is crazy making.

Are we the same person?! Thank you SO SO MUCH for sharing this! Words can't even express how much I relate to and appreciate this post.

A few things I've been loving during this (alarmingly similar) crucial, formative time:

1. Podcasts! [ Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast] (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/savage-lovecast/id201376301?mt=2) has been a game-changer; his down-to-earth, uncompromising commitment to true love and compatibility has given me a whole new perspective on the scarcity models that kept me in shitty entanglements for wayyyy too long. Non-relationship related ones (when you just need to take your mind off the guilt/regrets/invasive thoughts) are Star Talk with everyone's favorite Neil D. Tyson, The Read (if you're into hilarious & sassy commentary on life, pop culture, etc.) and NPR TED Radio Hour.
   
   
2. Books (and audiobooks)! Self-help types are awesome (This and This are specific to Flea management) and anything by Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, or Eckhart Tolle. BUT best of all: awesome novels with self-determined leading ladies! Just finished Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende which was fantastic.
   
   
3. Intentional Self Care: Mindfulness meditation, Yoga, journaling, deep conditioning hair/skin treatments, pedicures, book clubs, working out, cooking/baking, watching documentaries, eating ice cream, ...whatever your thing is, at any given moment, DO IT. Take allllll that love and kindness and give it to yourself. Try new things you've always wanted to but didn't have time/energy/money for because of your relationships. Make that bucket list your bitch, and if you ever feel guilty/foolish, remember that (in the words of Siddharta Gautama: "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection").
   
   
4. Re-connecting with old friends or people you've drifted away from during the relationship(s). If you're like me, you've never felt drawn to deepening those relationships or investing in them as you would with a dude. Now is the time to change that. Now is the time to create entirely new paradigms about who your support system is, and what relationships help inform/define your reality/sense of self. Letting yourself be really seen by good girlfriends who accept you, love you, and hold space for you is the anti-N.
   
   
5. Develop a very clear checklist of warning signs that you can refer to when you're ready to date again. This does mean taking an honest look into your past and identifying triggers or key moments where you recognized that you were being co-dependent/abused/neglected (for me it's that moment when my adrenaline flickers up and something just feels a little...off/thrilling/romantic/scary, depending on the circumstances). Make this internal forensic investigation a form of self-care and healing, and schedule something fun for right afterwards (ex: sitting and thinking/journaling for 15 minutes and then watching a comedy on Netflix right after). The fact is you will most likely be drawn to N's your entire life, so be prepared! Know your triggers, know what to look for, tell your girlfriends, and get enthusiastic about giving anyone who shows those signs the boot. Not "willing" not "able", but enthusiastic, because every time you shut that shit down, you're defying the odds and giving a big "F U" to the N who made you vulnerable to similar bullshit.
   
   
6. Get a very clear image of what you DO want in a partner. Meditate on it, get very clear on your priorities, and KNOW that you don't have to settle for anything less. This doesn't mean yearning for a man. It means manifesting the love you deserve and prepping yourself for the (rather alarming) experience of letting yourself be loved by someone amazing, whenever the universe is ready to provide him. Don't put a time frame on it. Just believe in it as an inevitability.
   
   Whew! That's it for now, but I shall return. Again, thank you so much for opening up this topic. :)