Reddit mentions of The New Bottoming Book

> I've been thinking about doing some light BDSM but I have no fucking clue on how to approach the topic.

/r/BDSMAdvice ; also find local munch groups. Don't try to get partners into it when you're new to the idea yourself. Instead, try to find experienced people who will discuss with you, play with you (there doesn't have to be sex!), and give you honest feedback.

Regardless of role, read The New Bottoming Book. It's not "scripture", but it's an excellent insight into BDSM roles, consent, and other important topics.

> most girls are very very vanilla and very very scared of trying new things.

Everyone is a little kinky, and lots of people are quite a bit kinkier than you might think -- with the right partner. If people aren't interested in being kinky with you, try looking in the mirror and figure out why you aren't getting the trust and respect that it takes for someone to want to open up to you.

Getting kinky partners is mostly a matter of personal growth and development, especially if you take a top/dominant role. Submission/bottoming is something you inspire in others, not something you just discover or demand.

Hey there. I'm a girl, 24 years old, and I'm a sadist (sadomasochist, really). I love watching people's reactions as I hurt them, but as soon as I know they aren't enjoying it, I stop. Non-consensual or unintended pain is a complete turn off for me. I'd feel terrible knowing I'd actually hurt somebody in ways that they didn't like.

What really gets me going is knowing that the person I'm applying sensations to is enjoying themselves and turned on by what I'm doing. Something of an empathetic response since I know what it's like to enjoy pain.

So it's completely possible to pursue a kinky sex life in a responsible, ethical way. There are thousands of people out there who do it and have their lives and relationships deepened and enriched by it. You just need to find partners that complement your desires and needs. :3

I highly recommend reading The New Topping Book as well as The New Bottoming Book. SM 101 is also another book I've seen highly recommended.

You can download the kindle app for your PC free. I hope you can find resolution and peace with yourself. :3

If you continue to explore BDSM and are still intrigued by submitting/bottoming I highly recommend The New Bottoming Book It's short and sweet and will hopefully give you a perspective on what consensual power exchange should be like.

I DO NOT recommend SM101 (I notice it came up as an ad when I looked up that link) The guy who wrote it is a self-inflated prick. He has some good points, but you really need more exposure to kink to pick through his bullshit He-man Dom shit and get to the good stuff.

https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW

https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/159-2529759-0556432?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KEXYX8NPBXC1K8VSJF0N
New Topping and New Bottoming books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it.


https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities/dp/0937609587/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483220806&sr=1-1&keywords=playing+well+with+others

Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I have here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.

Also i'm new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think. https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483221177&sr=1-1&keywords=she+comes+first

Rape fantasies are, at heart, a form of power play, which is in and of itself not at all an uncommon phenomenon. Many people enjoy playing with power roles in the bedroom to some extent. If you think it's hot when a woman takes charge, for example, that's a mild form of power play.

Look at 50 Shades of Gray and the mainstreaming of BDSM. Walk into any sex shop and you'll find ropes, handcuffs, nipple clamps... All toys that tap into power and/or the intersection of pain and pleasure. Rape fantasies are basically doing the same thing.

The fantasy part of the phrase is important. There's a huge difference between a rape fantasy (even if played out physically) and actual rape. For some, a rape fantasy can be a way to explore sexual power differentials. For some, it can be a way of taking charge of an uncontrollable thing. After all, the fantasizer dictates everything that happens in the fantasy. For some, it taps into the same kind of primal fear/thrill that roller coasters and haunted houses and bungee jumping does, and there's something erotic about the danger and the adrenaline. For most, it's probably some combination of a variety of such elements.

Sex is sex, and everyone has kinks. Sex-positive feminists (like me) want to give everyone the space to explore their own sexual proclivities, so long as they're not harmful to anyone else.

A consensual, mutual-agreed upon rape scenario is a form of role-play. It's the sort of thing that, if you're interested in doing it, you must discuss with your partner beforehand to know their expectations and boundaries. Both partners should have a safe-word that they can use if they are uncomfortable at any point.

I have a hypothesis that, as women move more and more towards being on equal footing with men, they are feeling more and more comfortable exploring the submissive side of the power differential as an erotic space. Whereas in the past, women were simply expected to take a certain role, now they are more able to take ownership of that role when they choose to embody it. This might explain the proliferation of discussion about women's rape fantasies.

On the other hand, it's also possible that we've simply been getting more and more comfortable talking about sex and kinks, and so more and more rape fantasists are, as it were, coming out of the closet.

Regardless, if it's ever something you find you (or a partner) has an interest in exploring, I recommend checking out Easton and Hardy's The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. They're practical guides to BDSM.

There are a ton of resources out there for people who want to explore their kinky sides more.

On Reddit, I'd recommend [1] this, [2] this, and of course [3] Darr's "Standard Intro to Kink" post. As for books, this community tends to recommend Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, The New Topping Book, and The New Bottoming Book.

For web reading, I like this site, Leather and Roses. It's got a lot of general information and they subdivide into general essays, domination, and submission, so you can target what you're reading and have your girlfriend look over the same materials too.

Enjoy!

1. It depends a lot on your area, but going to munches and becoming involved in the community is the most commonly recommended way to meet people. There is also Fetlife, which is a BDSM themed Facebook equivalent.
   
   
2. She can, like most online dating she's going to have to wade through a lot of nonsense to find anything worthwhile.
   
   
3. Yes definitely. besides meeting in a public place, the first time she goes anywhere private with someone new she should set up a safecall.
   
   
4. eh, somewhat, she's now looking for a minority within a minority, so her number of potential partners isn't huge, but it is hardly unheard of for lesbians to be involved in BDSM
   
   
5. Just listen to everything she has to say, be excited when she has a good time, even if it doesn't sound fun/hot to you. My friends are all very vanilla, and I wish I could just talk honestly about this part of my life.
   
   
6. Mostly whatever she wants, any munch or meeting in a public setting should be attended in street legal casual wear. Play parties/events may have a dress code, the event coordinator will probably let her know.
   
   
7. She's an adult, as long as she displays good judgement and self control she should be OK. She may be dealling with a bit of Sub frenzy and should focus on practicing safe behaviors.
   
   
8. The intimacy and trust created/required by practicing BDSM can be very powerful, but for most people, it begins like any other relationships.
   
   
9. Yes. Like a normal human being, in many cases ones BDSM partner is also ones primary romantic partner and outside of the sexual arena you interact the same way any other couple would.
   
   The new bottoming book is invaluable for newbies, just to get some perspective. There are a ton of great kink blogs out there, just look for ones that focus more on the reality of forming a BDSM relationship rather than the fantasy.

The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge

The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM

Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book

Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book

Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book

Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots

Videos on knots - TwistedMonk

Try Velvet Glove by Emma Holly. It's a decent story, is set in modern times and not a fantasy land, and contains sane, consensual BDSM scenes. It's very accessible and decently written. If you're looking for nonfiction, consider The New Bottoming Book or The New Topping Book, depending on her interests. Good luck!

Well hi there! What's that? Oh, no problem (/points) that away! It's right over there, can't miss it!


In addition to sites such s the one above, there are some great books on the subject, such as "the new bottoming book"


Personally speaking, there's a number of simple things you can do. Devote yourself to service and submission through simple caring tasks. Get him to sit down. Ask permission to take of his shoes, ask permission to give him a foot rub. Ask if he would like something to drink. Ask permission to get up and go get it (small steps, both hands, grace and caution every step of the way)


When you are both in the right frame of mind (men do tend to have obvious signage in this respect), ask him if he has any further use for you.


Don't be afraid to act on your own fantasies!


Don't be afraid to take a break or ask for a slowdown, or even a complete stop!

The number one thing I'd like everyone to pay attention to when they start out with BDSM is safety. You always want to keep your play Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Jay Wiseman's book SM101, in addition to being a really good overview of BDSM, has an admirable emphasis on safe play, largely because of the author's background as an EMT.

To get a feel for what your bottom is into, you might also check out The New Bottoming Book. The same authors also have written The New Topping Book, which I just started reading this afternoon.

You might also sort /r/bdsmcommunity by top-scoring posts, like this link and read the top posts relevant to your (and your bottom's) interests.

Hope this helps!

Mmm, I was more thinking about this thread particularly Wife wants me to be dominant, but I don't know how. Help me! The "I am a n00b and need help" threads are far better than any of the porn stuff. Don't get put off by the tonne of hardcore in there. :) There are those out there at are into more moderate BDSM play :)

If you'd like to give your wife an assassignment, when you order the two books, also order The New Bottoming Book By Janet W. Hardy for the wife. Read through/glance through The Bottoming Book and SM101 before giving them to her and Make notes especially things that pique your interest. Then give her little reading assignments on the things that excited you the most.

It sounds like a lot of work, and it doesn't really sound sexy, but a lot of being a sub (or playing one sometimes) is all stuff going on in your head.

Please feel free to give me a PM if you would like to talk more privately <3

You are not alone! In fact there's an entire website for making connections with kinky people in your area and beyond. I highly recommend checking out a site called Fetlife.
Fetlife is essentially the facebook for fetish and kink. There you can find resources, groups with common interests, events in your area (such as play parties, fetish dances, and munches), and even people looking to meet someone new.

On top of that i would recommend picking up a book called "The New bottoming Book" by Janet W. Hardy
It's a book that give a lot of the basics on being a sub as well as how to feel comfortable in your newly found interests.

Hope these help, and good luck.

Definitely. There is a wide diversity to the world of BDSM. Sadomasochism is just a portion. The favorite site I use is FetLife as well as many books on BDSM.

I see where some one suggested Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, this book is written for the sadist and masochist in mind. S&M 101 is definitely a good book as are The Loving Dominant, The New Bottoming Book as well as The New Topping Book.

If you decide to join FetLife, a free website if you are wondering, you may send me a PM for any guidance of the FL site and general help. And no, I'm not trolling since I am definitely a sadist. You're outside of my search criteria. LOL My page is here if you want to get in touch with me.

I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck.

Master Rycharde

Yup! Check out your local community! Join Fetlife, join groups, and never be afraid or embarrassed to say you're new or green. We've all been there and appreciate the honesty. I've met 20 y/o newbies that tell me they've had 5 years exp, those people are mostly just confused on what the word exp means. I've been public for 2 or 3 years and there is just TONS of stuff for me to learn.

Another suggestion- Books!! Search up some kinky books :) Etiquette, knots, M/s stuff, whatever! Get your brain on some knowledge! This is the first book I ever read about kink

And most important: WELCOME!!!!

I'm hearing you when you're saying this stuff is embarassing to you and you're feeling shy about your desires. This is natural.

Over time, though, I hope you can get to a place where you can be really open and honest with your partner. Kinky sex requires open, honest communication.

When you say:

> So when he wants to get rough i am nervous. I'm nervous toget hurt forreal and i dont know how to feel about it.

It will help your nerves if you get a better idea of what you're going to do, and talk about it, rather than avoiding the conversation and diving right in.

>I want to surprise him one day so he could just come home and go wild but how?

This is a fun instinct! But, again, it's much better to leave "surprises" for later, and focus now on figuring out what you are open to, or even excited about, and communicating that to your partner!

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

After playing, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

When you're ready to learn more, check out these websites and books.

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

And feel free to ask questions here!

You'll have the best results if you do a little more self-directed learning, so you can come back to the community with a more specific question. (Questions like the one you asked come up so frequently, they often dont generate many responses.)

You’ll definitely find it there. I thought I just liked being spanked, and it turns out I have a LOT of kinks that I wouldn’t have even known about otherwise.

When I was first beginning, someone here recommended this book by Michael Makai. It pretty much covers the basics.

And if you don’t know if you’re a top or a bottom then these two are good reads as well!

As for the feelings about submissiveness, I recommend reading this book. It helps put things into perspective.

I don't think I can comment on the other issues as I lack the experience. However, if you're not comfortable with your sexuality yourself, how can he be? How can you honestly explain to him that you like that stuff when deep down you feel guilty?

Get comfortable with who you are and what you like, then talk to him. All the best to both of you!

Here are some resources they might find useful:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389

The New Bottoming Book http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352 can be helpful.

And here is a BDSM checklist http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html that you can send them.

And this is a very good example of an Activity/Limit list by AeternaServus https://medium.com/p/b6e71d7663be In it, the writer has gone into detail about how they feel about certain activities.

And as a Dom, you might enjoy http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

I hope these are helpful to you.

Also be aware that it is sometimes difficult to verify ages online, even with the help of online verification registers etc. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/18/technology/verifying-ages-online-is-a-daunting-task-even-for-experts.html?_r=0

Buy https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360
And https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352

Great books, takes you from beginner to knowledgeable beginner! Then you can apply some of it to real world and develop from there!

Also join fetlife! You can join the community or just form online bonds but there is lots of community and groups to ask questions...

Talk talk, talk. Go through some checklists, see what you two find hot, and talk about why you think these things are hot.

Also, this recommendation doesn't come from personal experience, but perhaps check out The New Bottoming Book. I've read their topping book, and while I don't agree with everything they think, it brought forth questions, and answering those really helped me realize what I wanted out of myself as a dom.

Well congratulations on taking your first step!

I know it can be confusing, I've went through what your going through not that long ago myself. I've written and still am writting on the subject on my website but a really good place to start like would be like Petra-Arkanian said Darr_Syn's posts (particularly his "Intro to Kink").

You might want to check out my Identity in BDSM post, and maybe read "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" or "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book".

Once you get on Fetlife join the Novice and Newbie group, they have allot of great resources available.

Get interested and start reading up on it, also don't be afraid to ask questions but there's allot of stuff you can find an answer to by using the search function for this subreddit or fetlife.

Good luck, and you can pm me if you have any other questions :)

Cheers!

I found the New Bottoming Book (http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sim_b_5) pretty helpful in explaining some of the psychology/mindset behind dom/sub play. Might be something to consider reading if you haven't already.

I've mostly found that it comes down to practice and communication. After a while, it's easier to play the Dom role (if you aren't naturally very assertive).

We've found it helpful to set limits on our play, since my wife isn't really a fan of being ordered around whenever I feel like it -- we aren't necessarily limited to just BDSM in the bedroom, but I still want to respect her as an independent person. If I have a specific scene in mind (something that will take extra time, specific tasks or activities), I'll usually ask if she's interested in D/s play a couple hours ahead of time, then tease her occasionally up till the agreed time. I don't usually do this if we just want rough sex though.

We've also used objects to define the times when we play. She'll usually wear some sort of collar while we are playing, which helps get her in the sub mindset. I've found changing how I dress helps put me in the right frame of mind too. We've also found that mixing tasks into our play helps get her into the sub mindset too. For example, at least for us, a play session might include a couple minor chores around the house that I'll oversee and correct her for if they aren't done correctly (vacuuming, cleaning, etc.), followed by some sort of bondage/sex play and eventual orgasm as a reward.

Hope that helps?

The New Bottoming Book is something that would probably really help her if she is the reading type.

It talks about being a "power bottom" wherein you really are the one with the power, you just kind of put it on loan to your Top to play with for a while.

I also suggest sitting down and talking about activities beforehand. If you are working with someone who isn't entirely sure where their boundaries lie, or if they even like giving up control, the concept of giving up control can feel like a HUGE and daunting thing. The list of possibilities can go on forever, and that element of not knowing exactly what will happen can scare someone off just at a small glance at the idea.

If you narrow that list of possible activities down to things you already know she likes, but add a small power element to them. . . there aren't any curve balls to be afraid of. There is a list of what might happen this scene and a list of what will NOT happen this scene. Anything not on the list won't happen, so the fear of consenting to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is no longer present.

Add in a third play word along with one for Slow and Stop. Skip. For someone trying BDSM for the first time, having a word that gives them SOME element of directing the scene themselves at first can help them warm up to the idea. Skip works just like Slow and Stop do, but it tells you that whatever you are pressing now isn't working for them, so its time to try something else on the list. Instead of dwelling on it and having it cause discomfort or emotional distress mid-scene, you can go over it afterward and find out what they did and didn't like about each thing you tried.

It's important to note that if there is emotional distress on the part of the submissive, they should use Slow or Stop depending on the severity. Skip should only be used if something isn't sitting right, or just isn't pressing any of their buttons. It isn't causing distress, its just not causing excitement or pleasure. It's not asking for less or for things to stop. . . it's just asking for DIFFERENT things, so there is no need to sound the alarm bells.

Sometimes the Skip word can kind of make things feel like a game of Whose Line Is It Anyway, but if you are both adaptive enough and it works for you. . . sometimes it can really help a scene move on into directions that work for both of you. It's good for exploring through a potential list of ideas without breaking the flow of experimentation with tons of explanation and the guilt of calling Slow or Stop. It also gives the Top a good idea of what their sub is enjoying; they aren't likely to call Skip on the things that are turning them on and delivering pleasure. Once you have a few things you know for sure they like in your arsenal. . . you can start swapping between them and playing with the power they are loaning you.

I just now saw your edit on the OP. I'm glad you were able to figure things out and move forward. I hope I wasn't overstepping in my instructions and suggestions. I also hope that for the future you can find more literature about bdsm in general and continue to enjoy it with your husband. (If you don't mind a recommendation, check out the Topping Book and the Bottoming Book. A lot of what I said here came from those books.)

> I really appreciate your reply and I'm inspired by the success you describe in your relationship.

I'm happy to have inspired you! May your relationship continue to grow and be successful as well.

> It's also hard for me to remember that there is no "BDSM" but many type and flavors which can be dictated and dealt with by each person every time. I felt that being a "submissive" meant I should go totally passive. This I realize now doesn't have to be the case.

Yes, even if it is hard for you to remember, you seem to definitely have a handle on it from an intellectual standpoint - that's good! I really highly recommend you check out The New Bottoming Book if you can. There is a really great blog post titled Bottoming Skills which is just chock full of really great information for you as a bottom as opposed to a submissive.

What your BDSM looks like will probably not look like what other's BDSM looks like, and that's a good thing, because it's your BDSM!

> I can't tell you how relieving that is!

I am so happy to have lifted some weight off your shoulders. It might help your partner if you let him know a little bit about your initial confusion and subsequent dread at the idea of being completely passive in the manner you found others describing. Then, tell him what you see yourself acting like, or at least that you'd rather try just being "natural" and seeing how you react!

> One thing you made me think of is this - when he encourages me to read and research and find out what I like, he makes it seems like it's up to me to determine it when I would like to navigate that together.

Actually, as I said, my kitten and I ended up going through (in terms of a survey) the human sex map together. I tried to have her do it on her own, but it was a little overwhelming for her due to the huge range of things and so many things she had never heard of to boot. So, we went through my map together and surveyed the blank map having her ask questions about anything she was not sure what it meant. After that, she was able to complete her own list of likes, dislikes, and do not wants. The same process should work with a BDSM checklist, I imagine.

> What do you think is a good way to phrase that? "Hunny I want us to read together?" Is there a way that might illicit a positive response from him?

I'd say the best way to elicit a positive response with him should be just short of brutal honesty.

So, rather than (clearly exaggerated, I know you don't think this way necessarily) "I was worried you didn't love me because it seemed like you wanted me to be a passive submissive slave, which I don't feel like I am or want to be and you know exactly where you can stuff that!"

I'd suggest something just as honest but less harsh (compared to that) along the lines of, "I was somewhat naively worried you didn't love me for me because while researching submissives I found so many descriptions of passive women who just aren't me. I love you and I've tried my best to get into it, but I'm just not feeling the whole passive/submissive thing right now. In fact, I really don't know what I am into, or the full range of what you are into. Some crazy folks on the internet suggested we spend an evening going through this human sex map thing or a BDSM checklist together and discussing. What do you think?"

Okay, probably a little long winded and I am sure it doesn't sound like you but it covers all the main points, which I think are essentially you were worried, but now aren't as much because you realize you have the freedom to be yourself and just need to figure out what exactly that will mean!

Best of luck to you and we'd love to hear back from you later with an updated topic whether it goes well or not. Of course, we trust and hope it will go very well!

These two books are very good:

The Topping Book:
http://smile.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415026502&sr=8-1&keywords=the+topping+book


The Bottoming Book:
http://smile.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1415026503&sr=8-2&keywords=the+topping+book

Off the cuff I would say you're​ service oriented with an interest in being a slave.

Daddy Dom label does kind of cover the supporting Domination you seem to be looking for. Something on the order of a very conscientious owner. You want to be treated as secondary, to treat him as more important in all things. On the other side I think you want him to bring out the best in you, make you a better you.
Loving Dom, Daddy Dom, service sub and cherished slave, I think are your search terms.

As for a title you two are going to have to come up with something. Maybe a 'daytime' title, something like Mr. (Last name), or just a pet name that has meaning for you two. Then only use Sir or Master for punishment time or when he needs to speak with absolute authority.

You might look at a book like The New Bottoming Book. I found the motivation parts more useful than the what parts.

https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352

And associated Topping book.

For book recs, maybe try A Lover's Pinch https://www.amazon.com/Lovers-Pinch-Cultural-History-Sadomasochism/dp/1538111179/ref=sr_1_1?crid=23HONW5NFPBJO&keywords=a+lovers+pinch&qid=1563493144&s=gateway&sprefix=a+lover%2Caps%2C160&sr=8-1 which is nonfiction on the history of BDSM.

The New Topping Book and New Bottoming Book https://www.amazon.com/dp/1890159352/?coliid=I3JRY85EAEVHV8&colid=F4U3068XFP8O&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1890159360/?coliid=I1DTC7XXAI64&colid=F4U3068XFP8O&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

are often recommended for informational reading.

There are play collars, and then there are relationship collars. If you want to buy yourself a collar because it helps you get into a submissive mindset then that's fine. You can use it by yourself or when playing casually.

If you find yourself in a serious relationship then your Dom might want to "collar you" to show ownership and/or a serious commitment. If you both agree to do that then you can continue using the same collar or he can get you a new one.

The only rules in BDSM are in regards to safety. Please don't play with people you don't know. Get to know potential partners by spending time together, meeting their friends, etc. You can ask for references (phone numbers of people they have played with) if you think it's important. Before playing sit down together and talk about what turns you on and what you don't want to do - this is called negotiation. You can negotiate about a specific scene or about the relationship as a whole. While you are talking you need to establish some safe words. At a minimum you need a word which will bring everything to a stop (a lot of people use "red"), but you might also want a pause word (a lot of people use "yellow"). If you search the r/bdsmcommunity archives you will find a lot of great posts about safety, negotiation, and safe words.

You might enjoy reading The New Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy. It talks about terminology, safety, and how to take care of yourself.

The best way to find partners and learn about BDSM is to get in touch with your local scene. If you make a profile on a social networking site called fetlife.com you can search for groups n your area. You'll probably find that they have meetings or munches (informal meetings with food). Go visit. It's important to have a real world community of support.

There are a lot of really good books that I've enjoyed like Slavecraft, SM 101, The bottoming book.

I can understand someone helping you find your kinky identity I just think the way you phrased "proper sub behavior" is misleading yourself a bit. You won't find your proper self in books, you'll only learn what other people have done. Who you are is probably what he wants you to find, your true self. Books, FAQs, websites, etc. are just a way for you to do that. They aren't rule books for you to follow.

There is nothing wrong with you. Many, many otherwise everyday people enjoy getting spanked, controlled, and more during sex. There are also many great people who love to spank, etc., though they are less common.

There is a whole world of "kinky" sex you may wish to explore and a good next step for you may be The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. It is a great resource for those who like what you like and can help frame and inform your lifestyle.


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shame is a pretty common thing i think, my recommendation is to look for a nice bdsm book you can read together, i literally bought the bottoming book read and annotated it with my thoughts and gave it to my partner to do the same with.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159352

or whatever book appeals to you

These two books should be on the top of you and your SO's reading lists.


The New Topping Book(Kindle)


The New Bottoming Book

If you want more information on being a sub, try these books on BDSM:

How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM by Morpheous

The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

As for being a cuck...that's more for you and your wife to figure out depending on what type of dynamic you two want.

I know you posted this about a month ago, but hopefully you'll see my comment. I am a big, big fan of The New Topping Book. It has a companion book for s-types as well; The New Bottoming Book.

Personally; I'd stay away from anything Jay Wiseman has written, because he's a pompous ass who doesn't actually know anything. Whatever works for you, though.

Actually no. The bottom in a BDSM sense is whoever's on the receiving end of the scene. Top/bottom in the kink sense is different from Top/bottom in the vanilla sense, which is what I was getting at.

When my partner and I started negotiating the BDSM aspect of our relationship we both decided to educate ourselves as much as possible on the subject. I would recommend a lot of reading, especially The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book as well as SM101: A Realistic Introduction.

Fetlife.com is an online fetish community where you can meet like minded people and take part in discussions, ask questions, etc. We found a lot of great people and resources through Fetlife. There are plenty of groups devoted to mental & physical domination techniques, rope work, and starting out in a D/s relationship.

A search on Youtube for The Knotty Boys will give you all sorts of stuff to practice.

An exercise that my partner and I found very helpful involved me writing a letter to Him expressing what I wanted/needed from a Dom, what I had to offer Him in return, my hopes and fears, and any information about myself that I felt would help us along the way. We refer back to that letter periodically as our relationship continues to evolve.

In terms of experimenting together, I would recommend starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one. You each go through the list on your own and then compare answers together. You start where there is mutual interest and go from there.

Best of luck, and hope this helps!

PS. Whenever you engage in any BDSM related activities you must always be Safe/Sane and make sure they are consensual. You will not be able to have any successful relationships without excellent communication skills, so always be working on improving your communication.

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

Have you read The New Bottoming Book? It is a good introductory book explaining (at a very high level) what is out there and answers a number of the questions you listed.

It helped me expand into a bit more pain play that I was reluctant to try at first.

Do you like hot lesbian bdsm sex? There is a great comic called Sun Stone available for free as a pdf. It is a fun graphic novel that is beautifully drawn with an incredible plot. If you read through the full thing, it gives a fairly nice survey of BDSM, why people get into certain aspects, etc. It is a bit over the top, but I've read it through a dozen times at least. :D

https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

Also, I forgot to say, YMMV, IANAL, nor an expert. I'm just getting into this myself. But in any relationship, communication is the key. Let it break down, and everything's fucked.

Also, my friend just lent me a copy of Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns, which is I think a pretty well regarded BDSM manual/overview. You might want to check it out if you can.

Same friend highly recommended The New Bottoming Book Which I haven't started yet, but seems quite interesting. Supposed to be a good read to help you get in the right mindset to sub, or to understand the mindset of your sub as a dom.

• • I've read some good books - you can find them on Amazon.
    https://www.amazon.com/Topping-Paperback-Author-Dossie-Easton/dp/B00EOHGNSS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468287272&sr=8-1&keywords=topping+book
    
• https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1468287246&sr=8-2&keywords=the+loving+dominant*
  
• https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=31uQUDLFixL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR100%2C160_&psc=1&refRID=R3Q1QFQPVM9SB03KNNBY* You have to educate yourself!!!

So, I don't know what you're in to, but I enjoyed this book when it came to just a general thing. There's also the Bottoming Book, which I have read, but they have the Topping Book, which I have not read yet. I've heard really good things about this book and this one.

You can be a "dominant kind of guy" and still bottom/sumbit and love it. The 2 are not exclusive. In my opinion it's well worth exploring your kinks and if you speak with those that are in the kink community you'll hear stories over and over about how they have suppressed their desires for years and never had the courage to come out. Now that they have they can't imagine ever going back to vanilla sex. Now you just need a partner who you are open/honest about to explore this with. You don't have to be a part of the kink community to do these things but If that is somethign you're interested in go and make an account on fetlife.com (aka kinky facebook), click on events and find a local munch where there are some local people to speak to and get informed. If you are into reading I would recommend picking up

http://www.amazon.ca/The-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159352

It's an easy read which brings a lot of perspective into bdsm.

OP, it is my opinion that /u/theeemaster made some serious leaps, and I completely disagree with what he said. He was extremely pessimistic from the beginning, and I don't think it'd be wise to listen to him. Where one person would say "you can't have your cake and eat it too," another person would say "relationships are all about compromise, and finding common ground."

And frankly, if I were you I'd be pissed that this arrogant little shit is making sweeping judgments about your entire relationship from a half-page essay about one specific problem you're having. He called your partner shit! He called you shit! He accused you of not having been honest about your kink when it's clear from your post that you were, and that it was a misunderstanding! Don't listen to this guy OP, cynicism like that is toxic to relationships.




It sounds like your partner made a distinction between your physical need for sexual gratification and your emotional need for bdsm. She was cool with you getting your rocks off with someone else as long as that's all it was, but once she realized it was this deeply personal thing she wanted you to stop. But she didn't just shut you down, she asked you to get her more information. This suggests to me that she doesn't just recognize the importance of your needs, but that your needs are important to her, she just doesn't really understand them. That's huge because plenty of couples, even vanilla ones, have dissatisfying sex lives because they don't communicate and aren't willing to try new things. So don't go taking that for granted.

The is where /u/theeemaster fucks up again. The one potential solution he offers is lazy as hell too. Watch some fuckin' movies and see if she gets excited? What are we, 19?

Your partner is probably intimidated by this. She asked you to get her some information, so get it for her! Meet her halfway! That's what relationships are about! Get her The New Bottoming Book or something.

Talk about your kinks honestly. Explain why you want what you want. Encourage her to explore hers, be attentive and be accepting, and see if there are some activities you can both enjoy. If you really want to make this thing work, see a sex therapist. And yeah, there's a chance you won't be able to make it work, but there's a chance you will, and you have to really try or you'll never know. Don't lose love over being lazy.

But the first thing you need to do is xpost this to /r/BDSMcommunity. That's the big discussion sub and they're fantastic. /r/bdsm is a picture board, whether the mods want to admit it or not, and most of the people you find here are just here to jerk off.

It seems more like the roles are muddled. There's always a balance of giving and receiving, and those balances depend on what the individuals find fulfilling. It's totally possible for someone to be a "Service Top", for example, though not as common as a "Service Bottom". I think you're bothered because things seem off-balance.

Three books come to mind, these really helped provide me with language and insight to the roles:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky-ebook/dp/B005HZ6FH0