Reddit mentions of The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

Are we the same person?! Thank you SO SO MUCH for sharing this! Words can't even express how much I relate to and appreciate this post.

A few things I've been loving during this (alarmingly similar) crucial, formative time:

1. Podcasts! [ Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast] (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/savage-lovecast/id201376301?mt=2) has been a game-changer; his down-to-earth, uncompromising commitment to true love and compatibility has given me a whole new perspective on the scarcity models that kept me in shitty entanglements for wayyyy too long. Non-relationship related ones (when you just need to take your mind off the guilt/regrets/invasive thoughts) are Star Talk with everyone's favorite Neil D. Tyson, The Read (if you're into hilarious & sassy commentary on life, pop culture, etc.) and NPR TED Radio Hour.
   
   
2. Books (and audiobooks)! Self-help types are awesome (This and This are specific to Flea management) and anything by Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, or Eckhart Tolle. BUT best of all: awesome novels with self-determined leading ladies! Just finished Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende which was fantastic.
   
   
3. Intentional Self Care: Mindfulness meditation, Yoga, journaling, deep conditioning hair/skin treatments, pedicures, book clubs, working out, cooking/baking, watching documentaries, eating ice cream, ...whatever your thing is, at any given moment, DO IT. Take allllll that love and kindness and give it to yourself. Try new things you've always wanted to but didn't have time/energy/money for because of your relationships. Make that bucket list your bitch, and if you ever feel guilty/foolish, remember that (in the words of Siddharta Gautama: "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection").
   
   
4. Re-connecting with old friends or people you've drifted away from during the relationship(s). If you're like me, you've never felt drawn to deepening those relationships or investing in them as you would with a dude. Now is the time to change that. Now is the time to create entirely new paradigms about who your support system is, and what relationships help inform/define your reality/sense of self. Letting yourself be really seen by good girlfriends who accept you, love you, and hold space for you is the anti-N.
   
   
5. Develop a very clear checklist of warning signs that you can refer to when you're ready to date again. This does mean taking an honest look into your past and identifying triggers or key moments where you recognized that you were being co-dependent/abused/neglected (for me it's that moment when my adrenaline flickers up and something just feels a little...off/thrilling/romantic/scary, depending on the circumstances). Make this internal forensic investigation a form of self-care and healing, and schedule something fun for right afterwards (ex: sitting and thinking/journaling for 15 minutes and then watching a comedy on Netflix right after). The fact is you will most likely be drawn to N's your entire life, so be prepared! Know your triggers, know what to look for, tell your girlfriends, and get enthusiastic about giving anyone who shows those signs the boot. Not "willing" not "able", but enthusiastic, because every time you shut that shit down, you're defying the odds and giving a big "F U" to the N who made you vulnerable to similar bullshit.
   
   
6. Get a very clear image of what you DO want in a partner. Meditate on it, get very clear on your priorities, and KNOW that you don't have to settle for anything less. This doesn't mean yearning for a man. It means manifesting the love you deserve and prepping yourself for the (rather alarming) experience of letting yourself be loved by someone amazing, whenever the universe is ready to provide him. Don't put a time frame on it. Just believe in it as an inevitability.
   
   Whew! That's it for now, but I shall return. Again, thank you so much for opening up this topic. :)
   
   
   
   

I’m coming into awareness of this N-parent thing later in life too. Tell them it doesn't work. Give the the number of days they can stay, if any. Be honest with what works for you and tell them and tell them they have to get a hotel if they desire to stay longer. And hold your ground. You owe them no explanation! This is the hard part to get -- but get it please. It will make your life easier.

The thing about N's is they want an explanation of why. Why--what ever it is because they want to minimize our thoughts, feelings, or correct our actions and tell us what they want it to be — because we must be in alignment with them, we are after all an extension of them. When my Nmom starts pumping me like this. I give her very little eye contact and don’t play the game she is baiting me with.

And the little 3 year old look is called the martyr, it is a classic N manipulation stance. Don’t fall for it.
What you can manage is what you can manage. PERIOD.

N”s know our buttons and push them. They thrive on drama, chaos and control - being on top of a relationship. Grudges come when boundaries are not respected. It is your internal anger that is screaming NO! And boundaries are absolutely ignored growing up in a N-household. Coming to this at this point in your life it is understandable you would have some grudges. There is a life time of behavior and violation that hasn’t and will never be acknowledge by the N. So don’t look for it there it will never come. That was a hard one for me to come too. I spend years on inner work while the little girl in my still wanted to be acknowledge and accepted. That is an inside job.

I sometimes think the flip polarity to an N parent is a life time of learning boundaries. I’ve found my Nmom still doesn’t like them but guess what they are there and it’s her problem to deal with them.
And weddings are loaded as it is. Throw a N in there and it’s can be a little dynamo! We just had an out of state wedding where my Nmom traveled with us. It was the best of times and the worst of times.

If you haven’t gotten counseling yourself you might want to. Dont’ know if I answered all your questions. ask again if there is something specific.

There are a lot of great books out there. A few that I’ve read that have been helpful.

The first one I read is Karyl McBride’]’s “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” She has a website. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com

The Object of my Affection is my Reflection
http://www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X

The Wizard of OZ
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972072837/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_3?pf_rd_p=1944687462&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=075730768X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1243YBT8DNBVQZCSYNKH

and another good link....http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill