Reddit mentions of The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love

>Can you recommend any? I would love to read more about this stuff.

The Science of Happily Ever After

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X

Full disclosure I haven't yet read it myself it was recommended to me as well. I did my own analysis here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/8gdnip/math_and_why_you_shouldnt_have_50_deal_breakers/

There's also a few ted talks and recommendations in the comments that some people made in that thread.


>Also do you think that stuff like wanting your partner to not be racist or intolerant of other peoples and culture should be basic, therefore not a dealbreaker per se, or should just take up a slot out of the five allowed?

When it comes to the human condition, I'm not sure there's a such thing as basic. I do think "not racist" is a dealbreaker and is one of the 5, but hopefully it isn't one you come across often.

> intolerant of other peoples and culture

It depends what you mean by this. This is probably a discussion for another subreddit, but if you simply mean that you would prefer a partner that accepts the general idea that there are different cultures, and your partner isn't actively spouting slurs, than that's reasonable, and the level of tolerance you prefer need not be a deal breaker, but rather more of a negotiation as the relationship progresses.

I do think there are some though that take this tolerance idea too far as if every culture needs to always be accepted and respected all the time and no critiques are allowed. I think it is perfectly acceptable for example for someone to say "You know, I think Japanese culture in general is too rigid" That's not intolerance, that's a basic observation someone has made given experience with that culture. In addition, if another culture thinks its a good idea to say, practice female genital mutilation, I'm going to have a serious problem and be very critical and intolerant of that culture as a human being.

>One of these is not like the other.

With all due respect, have you dated a horse girl? =)

>So they don't even have a chance to pass through my filter of 5 DBs. Do you feel like this is too much? And why? Statistically, guys with that kind of picture on their profile are more inclined to want a ONS or FWB type thing, which I DO NOT want at all.

Then a shirtless picture becomes a defacto 6th DB. I get what you're saying here and you may be 100% right about those guys, but you may not be. My guess is that those guys would probably trip one of your other deal breakers anyway so I don't think there's a need to have a rather petty "shirtless guys" deal breaker. if they are who you think they are, they'll show it quickly; but if they're not, then who cares if they're not wearing a shirt.

I don't see why you couldn't swipe right and find out. If you don't want a ONS or FWB thing, then don't have one with anyone, whether they are shirtless or wearing a 3 piece suit.

I hope that makes sense.

>Will I though? I'm in therapy because I wish to be a more independent person, and learn to be happy and be content even when I'm alone (not completely, I still have my friends). However, I know we're humans and we need to interact with each other, and to smush our genitals together from time to time (I could have found a better way to put it), but... I would hope to reach the end and be happy even if I end up alone. I understand that it may be different for other people and I totally respect that.

I don't know how it turns out for you; So I'm not sure I can answer any of these questions for you. What I've observed though, is that those that go into their last third of life alone tend to become shut ins and they tend to have more health issues and die sooner, and I have to imagine loneliness is part of the driving factor. Friends are great, but as time goes on, friends tend to fall into their own family structure and have less time for you outside of that structure.

Maybe some can pull off the idea of being happy alone; I know I can't and I won't try to fight that idea. Humans are designed to be social, so much so that we're finding out that the idea of solitary confinement in prisons may actually be considered cruel and unusual punishment. That idea sets me on pause and tells me I don't want to be spending substantial portions of my life alone especially in old age when my body is slowly breaking down.

While there is some argument to be made that one can be social outside of a romantic relationship in old age; I feel as though it is a poor substitute to having someone loving and committed to you at home. In other words, the bingo club doesn't cut it, but that's me, your mileage my vary.

Thank you for a great discussion.

There's a decent book out their called "The science of happily ever after". Goes over what people look for in a relationship, and what they should be looking for in a relationship if they want it to be long lasting and happy.

TLDR; Kindness and Low-Nueroticism outrank Looks and Money over the long run.

http://nypost.com/2014/02/02/for-real-long-lasting-love-the-no-1-trait-to-seek-is-niceness-expert/

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/037389290X/ref=mw_dp_cr

Actually I'm pulling those figures primarily from this book.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/037389290X?pc_redir=1411221002&robot_redir=1

You say "cynical", I say honest, objective, and empirical.

But either way, the facts are the facts.

They aren't going to change if you ignore them.

The best book I've read on the subject was "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Ty Tashrio. After my divorce I read it and it completely changed my idea of what love and relationships ought to look like. The basic premise is that the divorce rate is so high and people are so unhappy in their current relationships because we go about choosing our partners all wrong. He dives into the history of it all and does a great job focusing on practical strategies for choosing a more "right" partner for yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Science-Happily-Ever-After/dp/037389290X

Let me clarify:
Someone who doesn't have a job "right now" isn't necessarily a loser. Someone who doesn't have a clear career path or goals certainly isn't a loser (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up).

Someone who is 42, hasn't held a job for more than 6 months, lives in mom's basement - those might be flags to some of us that they have some maturity issues an aren't necessarily as well equipped for a relationship compared to someone that has other indicators of personal and financial success.

There are rich, successful, horribly abusive people out there.

Find your own filter...
There's a good book on what to look for in a perspective partner:
https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X

I can't direct quote the study, but it was cited in this book that the most common similarities between successful and happy couples were attractiveness, education level, and income.

You don't need a lot of education, just similar amounts to your partner to be happy.