Reddit mentions of The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything

Two main elements, here:

First, set SMART goals for yourself.

Any goal must be:

Specific - Focused on one thing you want to accomplish.

Measurable - It must be clear whether you succeeded or failed.

Achievable - This is where most people screw up. Don't pick something huge. If you want to lose weight, don't start with, 'I will lose 50 pounds.' Humans are driven by short-term rewards. Set a goal to lose five pounds, not 50. If you accomplish that, set another goal for the next five.

Relevant - Pick something that you actually want to do or accomplish. something that will be meaningful to you and will make you happy, make your life better, or make someone else's life better.

Time-related - Specify when you want that goal to be accomplish. (When developing your timeline, remember to stay realistic.)

Set the bar relatively low to start.

Good examples:

• I will read that book I've been wanting to read by this time next month.
  
  
• I will be able to run one mile continuously without stopping by this time next month.
  
  
• I will lose 5 pounds by this time next month.
  
  
• I will do fifty push-ups total by the end of this week. I can do them any time, I just need to do 50 by the end of the week.
  
  
• I will complete one MOOC through EdX by the end of October.
  
  Start small, start simple, and start one goal at a time.
  
  Buy a whiteboard, stick it on your wall or fridge where you have to see it every day, and write your goal on it. When you achieve that goal, cross it off and write a new one underneath it until you fill up the board.
  
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  The second element is similar to the first, but a little different.
  
  Keep commitments to yourself and others. Do what you say you will do, and abstain from what you've said you will abstain from.
  
  Keep SMART (above) in mind, and make commitments sparingly. Your word is your bond. If you don't want to do it, don't say you will.
  
  The most important person to keep commitments to is you (you cannot hide from yourself, and you are your own most ruthless judge). If you keep commitments to yourself for a while, you will begin to respect yourself (just like you would anyone else who kept their commitments to you).
  
  Then treat others similarly and move forward one step at a time.
  
  You can do this.
  
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  EDIT:
  
  While I'm not usually big on self help books, you may want to check out the following books, which will help you in precisely the way you seek (I think):
  
  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
  The Speed of Trust
  
  Both books deal extensively with principles of integrity and self-respect, and contained what I found to be extremely valuable information that helped me to determine what's important to me, why, and what I can and should do about it.

Again, by belittling and dismissing the information we give you do yourself no favors. You don't need to agree with it. You don't need to follow it. But admitting that is our experience will help you.

> but to be able to gauge a guy's real feelings for me. I have very little actual interest in committing to a guy who's with me because he has NO better option. I want to find something REAL, not necessarily a relationship.

Empathy will help you understand/gague his perspective. Baring that ask him directly (words are awesome like that). Just understand that from his perspective you are asking for a commitment from him. Even if you don't see it that way.

> So I want to know when a guy hesitates, why? He cannot trust me yet? He doesn't feel all that much for me yet but doesn't want to lose the sex? He doesn't even know what he feels yet because he's not in tune with his feelings? Is there someone else he prefers and would like to be with but he doesn't have the chance with her?

You will need to ask him, and listen. I'd reccomend The good man project for some reading. It's targeted at men, but it might illuminate some of the s.h.i.t. we have to deal with on a daily basis, things that haunt us for years even when we don't realize it. Things that simply doesn't exist for you. It may help you bridge the gap of understanding why he's hesitating, and how difficult it is for us to handle feelings.

And to say it simply: Yes, it is entirely possible that he can't trust you. Possibly through no fault of your own - but through the experiences he's had up until that point. The Speed of Trust for more on trust.

> My mind makes up a million different reasons, and the course of action for each is different. If a guy doesn't feel that much yet, I could maybe stick around and work on our bond. If a guy just sort of wants me around because he cannot get what he really wants yet, I would like to hightail out of there.

Communication is key. Relate those things to him, and listen when he responds. Also understand that your wants and needs will change over time. The you of 10 years ago is different than the you of today, and is different than the you of 10 years from now. And the same applies for him.