Reddit mentions of Toxic Parents

Thanks, those are kind words and felt very good to read.

Sorry to hear about your journey - sounds like we got the same bum deal, except my dad went first.

None of this stuff bothered me, or even occurred to me as an issue until I was in my 30's. I'll spare you the details but it was a long old journey down denial.

I found out my mom is a narcissist (or, at least, has a lot in common with narcissists) through this sub. It turned me on to a really good book (that I'm sure you and most people here know already) called [Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life] (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826).

Problem is, I stopped the work there, chickened out of therapy and something finally told me tonight that I need to do more. So I started here.

What I wrote - I just wanted to force myself to put all the bullshit reasons I'm in contact with my mom down in writing. `All the lies I've been telling myself. the punching bag I let myself turn back into. Put that out there as something real in the world that needs to be tackled.

I want to stop taking unexamined 'easy' shortcuts (like coming to see her for a week because she 'needs' me) and pretending that it's all going to be OK and that I can 'handle her'. I can't.

My girlfriend has similar problems (though not as drastic). Bad parents can really ruin a person's self-esteem for life unless they get help for it. I've heard a lot of good things about this book, which is about overcoming an abusive parent's legacy. Perhaps go over some of the things in it with her, or get her to read it if she'd rather not see a therapist in person? I'm not sure. Best of luck.

Grab this book

I was lucky in the sense that my mother realised she needed therapy after we didn't speak for 4 months. Your mother seems a lot like mine, especially with the prodigal son (being my older brother also, though he never raped me. Your brother should rot in jail for that).

That book i recommended was extremely helpful, and suggested by another here on Reddit.

Good luck, and sending internet hugs from the UK.

Inizia a leggere questo libro è cercare un terapista

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming You... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553814826/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_WbvSybD611MM3

so sorry i didn't see your reply :(
What helped me when initially cutting the cord. I was not living at home, as I was at uni. This also meant i had an excuse to give myself, as i needed to give time to studying, not messing around with my mum's drama. i had a friend who let me stay over when I initally stormed out, with our parents permission (honestly can't remember why my own mother would have been giving permission, but i can remember her being involved.)

I focused on the pragmatic stuff for a while, and just listened to music about dysfunctional families like Because of You by Kelly Clarkson and got emotional and stuff, grieving I guess, but not very effectively. I also managed to contact university therapists too. I felting like a huge spoilt fraud, but determined to use free support whilst i could still access it. the first therapist was awful and made me feel like i caused all the problems, the next one i saw was lovely and really pragmatic and logical, not cuddly, just great at putting stuff into perspective, which i really needed, because (remember, i'm 19 at this point and emotionally kinda immature for my age) it did feel a bit like the world was ending. I didn't like having to come to terms with the mess of my family relationships, and i didn't have much structure for understanding it. I only saw her like 5 times, but each time I felt a whole load stronger and more confident. realistically her advice wasn't perfect (it was good through, all about realistic boundaries), but just feeling like there could be a way forward was really positive for me.

Eventually I did also end up reading a book, on my phone, which helped me find the words, and although it didn't exactly match my experiences, it still made me feel less alone, and strong enough to visualise a future. I found it by accident and for free as a pdf, from someone I was following on tumblr, which coincidentally is what helped me realise that my relationship with my mother was unhealthy as well.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

Another major step was moving out again after I finished university and tried to be back at home...having my own place, and doing that despite it meaning having far less money, showed me how unhappy home and my mother had been making me, and how important my independence (emotionally and fiscally) is to my happiness. I had tried to seek out private but discounted therapy, then realised it wouldn't solve the bigger problem. That was from reading a particular article (that i now helpfully can't find or fully remember) which emphasized that you can't help someone whilst they are hurting you, and that you needed to get out. It was about romantic relationships I think, but I kept going back to it. It was that, and then having a particularly low moment after yet another fight, that decided me.

Sometime afterwards I realised that low contact is what works for me. Before then, I'd get enmeshed, be devastated, then vow no contact. Then feel guilty and lonely, give in, and the cycle would begin again.

More recently, I learnt more about personality disorder, and how to respond with empathy and boundaries, which was helpful, and very extremely recently, I've started to believe my mother is on the autistic spectrum, like my siblings, my father (not diagnosed but quite typical of a "high functioning" autistic, he probably would be diagnosed if he was younger), and possibly myself (not diagnosed), this made a huge difference and let me have a really good christmas for the first time in forever. I kinda let her do her own thing now and don't worry too much about her being upset (either with me or in general), I avoid talking about trouble spots, and if she does get upset I do not engage with that an inch more than is justified (i still sometimes apologise, but it's okay if that's not enough for her, and i think that's the key thing.) I don't expect much from her, and I parent myself, e.g tell myself supportive and unconditional things that she doesn't (i believe can't) tell me. I can enjoy her company and her life a bit, without feeling too involved in it. I kinda watch (the car crash) sympathetically but passively from afar now.

Sorry that's really long, take what you want from it, it was good to write this stuff out, i haven't written it out since i used to write it on tumblr and she would ring me about it getting upset. lol.

best of luck with your situation, which is individual and unique to you. one month later, how are things??