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Reddit mentions of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Sentiment score: 7
Reddit mentions: 24

We found 24 Reddit mentions of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Here are the top ones.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
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Release dateDecember 2009

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Found 24 comments on Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life:

u/madpiratebippy · 33 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Honey, he's broken. His Dad was a physically abusive junkie but his Mom kept him in that situaton because she was getting something out of it.

Old book call enablers co-abusers, and until he realizes that she CHOSE to abuse him, and isn't the 'good' parent, he's going to have problems. The bog standard, boring, suite of issues that every child of addicts deals with, but shitty boundaries is one of them, and that's what you are dealing with here.

He's also stuck in the appeasement cycle, it sounds like.

Here's a video I made about being stuck in an appeasement cycle with an abusive parent. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lDhOA_Unpw

Part of what she might have been getting out of the chaos of the relationship with her husband is that her son wouldn't have any CHOICE but to primarily bond with her- and that the possibility of loosing that bond would keep him in line.

If there are adult child of alcoholics meetings around you, it might be worth going, or reading Toxic Parents- it's one of my favorites, and really helpful for people who had an addict in the family.

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/TominatorXX · 29 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

That's a little unfair. He isn't equipped to deal with a raging lunatic of a mother who he barely knows. The mother is sick, twisted, and, HELL YES you need to cut her off and stay away from her. She's toxic.

Read this and ask BF to read it also:

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming-ebook/dp/B000SEH80I

u/ziddina · 12 pointsr/exjw

> Last week I started writing a post about what it was like to grow up being coached on how to refuse blood transfusions, but gave up because I don’t really see the point in sharing it – you all know already and no one else would understand or care.

​

What the hell? My jackass JW parents never coached me about that. I'd love to hear about that.

​

> I’ve given up on trying to share any of these things with my SO, he’s taken to making dismissive jokes about whatever I’m sharing, or telling me it’s not right to pin everything that’s wrong with me on this one thing because plenty of people go through stuff just like it.

​

Fuck NO not everyone has gone through what you've gone through! You were shoved into the deadliest cult in existence at this time:

​

REPOST: This first link is a website run by believing JWs who are deeply concerned about the deadly aspects of the WT anti-blood-transfusion mentality:

http://ajwrb.org/jehovahs-witnesses-and-blood-tens-of-thousands-dead-in-hidden-tragedy

An article pointing out that JW women are at much greater risk of dying during pregnancy and during birth:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3496240/

>[under "Discussion"] All available research evidence suggests that JW women experience high morbidity and mortality in association with obstetric and gynaecologic interventions, and this is thought to be linked to their refusal of blood and blood products.

Here's the Dutch study: https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1471-0528.2009.02191.x

>[page 1107] We found that women who are Jehovah’s witnesses are at a six times increased risk for maternal death, at a 130 times increased risk for maternal death because of major obstetric haemorrhage and at a 3.1 times increased risk for serious maternal morbidity because of obstetric haemorrhage, as compared to the general Dutch population.

​

[Edit to add] From: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4991563/

​

Under the subheading "Mortality Rates at Certain Hemoglobin Levels"

​

>It is estimated that about 1000 Jehovah’s Witnesses die annually due to refusal of blood transfusion (6).

END REPOST

​

Keep in mind that the Jim Jones massacre killed LESS than 1,000 people - and here the study indicates that the Watchtower Society kills that number of people EVERY YEAR (for the last 70+ years!) due to their insane anti-blood-transfusion policy.

​

THAT is the deadliest mother-frakking cult that I've ever heard of! Add to that their harsh shunning, anti-education and anti-living wage mentality, and the WT Society is the nastiest mess of destructive behaviors that I've ever heard of. Even Scientology doesn't forbid blood transfusions!!

​

Incidentally, one vital reason for therapy and digging through your past is so you will learn to recognize the many forms of abuse that you were subjected to. This is VITAL, because far too often people who were victimized as children LEARN TO ACCEPT SIMILAR ABUSES AS ADULTS.

​

Far too many children raised in abusive cults and highly dysfunctional family systems end up with significant others who will abuse them in similar ways. If you haven't learned to recognize the types of abuses you were subjected to, someone else could be abusing you in similar ways, right now. Often the surface appearance of the abuse changes, while the underlying patterns remain.

​

Cults/abusive partners make you feel worth less or worthless.

Cults/abusive partners don't take your pain seriously. It is in THEIR FAVOR to belittle your pain and experiences, so you'll continue being a passive victim that they can use.

Cults/abusive partners will always act superior to you. If they can convince you that they know more than you do, they can control you.

​

There's so much more to this sort of situation, but I would strongly recommend that you remain in therapy AND check out as many books and online resources about cognitive distortions, cult-like family systems, narcissists and narcissistic abuse, scapegoating and the Golden Child, narcissists and gaslighting, etc.

​

A couple of old books that helped me were:

​

https://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Healing-Human-New-age-ebook/dp/B00UC6EF62

https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming-ebook/dp/B000SEH80I

​

Hope this helps...

u/SwiggyBloodlust · 11 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

For your SO:

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not what love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace." ― Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

 

Here is to many more years with your SO and without the people that call themselves his family.

u/MoodyThursday · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm glad you've had that paradigm shift! For the longest time, I couldn't tell just how messed up the way my parents treated me was, until I got to see other people's opinions. I was so deep in the dysfunction, I couldn't see it.

Oh, and this book helped me a lot, btw.

u/rhymeswithugme · 7 pointsr/AsianParentStories

I highly recommend you read a book called Toxic Parents. One story that resonated with me was this story about a women, raised by born again Christians, that got an abortion. She spent years and years trying to get her parents to accept her but one day she had to accept something herself. Her parents might love her but they did not know how to love her. To love someone, you can't just have the "feeling" of love. Your actions, your spoken words, your intentions, have to all be aligned. They can't just respect you whenever they feel like respecting you, that is not love. They can't say its for your own good and make you believe that when you don't. That is not love. It was very heart breaking for this women to finally come to conclusion that her, very own parents, can be verbally and emotionally abusive. And I am sorry to say your parents are emotionally abusive too. Mine was too. But the sooner we break away from them the sooner we can live our own lives. At 24, I still feel like a kid, mainly because I feel like I need my parents approval. I am getting better at being my own man every single day and the sooner you break away from them emotionally the sooner you will be happy. They will never change and its ok because that does not matter. You are your own person and you should not take what they say personally, it does not apply to you.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SEH80I/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

u/violentnewbreed · 6 pointsr/exmuslim

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SEH80I/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You should read this book. It will explain your internalized misplaced guilt. It's not your fault.

u/QuillofNumenor · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Get yourself a copy of this book.

And this one.

They will change your life.

u/Nthrowawayy · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My Nmom is exactly like yours, and I have used Gray Rocking to my benefit. Lots of, "Mmm-hmmm" "I see" "Maybe" answers (and then do whatever it is my way). If she gives me the high-horse response or I'm completely done with the conversation I will start saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I said I would think about it".

Your (and my) Nmom never cares to think what's on our minds because they know it all, and they know better than us. Our opinion doesn't matter, because we're wrong (from their point of view).

I'd like to suggest a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward. One (maybe more than one, I can't remember) of her patient stories talks specifically about dealing with parents like ours.

u/elmay · 5 pointsr/lgbt

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I found Toxic Parents to be very useful in my own journey.

Also, by Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail is quite good and helped me get out of the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in.

u/Lordica · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My sister gave my this book. I admit, it sat unread by my bed for quite a while, but once I started to glance at a few pages, I began to recognize that what I had been brainwashed into believing was normal was actually extremely dysfunctional. I knew that I didn't want to recreate any of the same unhealthy dynamics in my own family. I never was able to gather the courage to go full NC, but I did learn to set boundaries at least in regards to my husband and children.

u/barnetto · 4 pointsr/Parenting

Some subreddits to check out:

/raisedbynarcissists

/rbnchildcare

/BPDlovedones

I think you can find information about going NC (no contact), LC (low contact), or SC (structured contact) with your parents from posts. I also recommend the book Toxic Parents for validation. I liked Stop Walking on Eggshells for setting limits/boundaries, though that is primarily aimed at people whose loved ones have BPD.

u/yaboproductions · 4 pointsr/AsianParentStories

A huge help for me was Toxic Parents. The big takeaways for me were establishing that my parents toxicity towards me was really stemming out of baggage that they themselves had. It helped me develop compassion for them, and also draw a healthy boundary in dealing with their manipulative habits. The last section on already-dead parents and how to reconcile with the lingering pain is really good too.

Speaking of boundaries, there's a great book called Boundaries that's also a great resource. It's a Christian book, but even if you're not Christian you may still learn from it.

u/_hatemymind_ · 3 pointsr/depression

i totally agree with LanceTheGiant, and i'd like to add that this book might help you address your relationship with your mother and help you find ways to cope with it, good luck and stay strong!

u/new_to_cincy · 3 pointsr/relationships

Try reading Toxic Parents, it is a gem of a book and really opened my eyes...

u/rbaltimore · 3 pointsr/todayilearned

From a functional standpoint, there isn't much need to pin down sociopathy vs. psychopathy if he has a diagnosis of ASPD. In addition, you mention that he never actually killed anyone, and that's actually the norm for sociopaths/psychopaths. Very very few kill people. You might want to read this book about the sociopaths we encounter in our daily lives, as well as this other book about living with toxic parents and how to heal from the trauma they inflict. I particularly recommend the second book, I have recommended it to many of my patients (I'm a social worker) as well as friends and I have read it myself, it helped me cope with being raised by parents with subclinical narcissistic personality disorder in an emotionally abusive home.

u/Barnard33F · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  • Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  • Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  • Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/2011-10-22 · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

You should both read Toxic Parents (Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life), especially you.

For you, I'd recommend Chapter 5: The Bruises Are All on the Inside. For her, Chapter 4: "No One In This Family Is An Alcoholic".

Reading that book at 23 changed my life; dramatically for the better. I've read it again at 30 yro and it's amazing how much I've grown since.

Good luck.

u/stormwaterwitch · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

A Book Recommendation i'd suggest is Toxic Parents

​

And as selfish as she's acting please remind your husband that phones work two ways. So she could just as easily pick up the phone on her end to try and communicate, and yet she believes that THAT falls on the two of you. You guys have your lives to live, jobs to work. Can't always be at her beck and call 24/7. Maybe it would be easier for the two of you if you guys just emailed back and forth vs Calling/ being forced to call.

Stick to your plans for Christmas this year. If she tries to play the guilt trip card inform her of all the times you told her that you had your own plans and that you're sorry she chose to ignore them and plan her own party as well. You guys are not super heroes who can be in multiple places at once.

u/SeaTurtlesCanFly · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

I was given a bunch of Harriet Lerner's books to read by my first therapist and found them really helpful: Dance of Anger, Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Fear. I remember also reading Toxic Parents.

The Harriet Lerner books are supposedly geared mostly towards women, but I am sure men could find lots of interesting things in there too. If you are a man and don't want to read Harriet Lerner, let me know. I have a therapist now and I can ask her for book recommendations that are more appropriate.

u/branchero · 0 pointsr/AsianParentStories

The actual book this is a summary of is very very good imo.