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Reddit mentions of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Sentiment score: 24
Reddit mentions: 58
We found 58 Reddit mentions of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Here are the top ones.
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- When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Features:
Specs:
| Color | White |
| Height | 6.85 Inches |
| Length | 4.14 Inches |
| Number of items | 1 |
| Release date | January 1985 |
| Weight | 0.38 Pounds |
| Width | 0.9 Inches |
Here are some sayings I like because they are lessons I learned the hard way: "What you allow will continue." "You teach people how to treat you." "If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will either."
My dear you also need to work on your shiny spine. This book about assertiveness training will help immensely with that. :)
Ooh raises hand I can answer this one! Good on you for recognizing there's a difference!
I asked here a few days ago about assertiveness training. Didn't get many replies but I searched for books to order and I've found two that have blown me away! Seriously! I'm already changing my behavior for the better. The books are: "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Dr. Randy Paterson and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Both cheap and easy to find on ebay.
I'm still waiting for the 2nd book but I've only had The Assertiveness Workbook a few days and already Im applying what I've learned. EXAMPLE: (I'm a nurse) Just last night at work a doctor started yelling at me on the phone for something completely out of my control. Instead of feeling flustered like I normally do I was able to calmly assert myself and get the patient what they needed. It was awesome!
For some immediate techniques to practice search Google and YouTube on: how to be assertive, fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, broken record. And read the reviews for those 2 books. Many reviewers explain techniques in the book.
Good luck! I'm learning assertiveness is not a case of "the have's" and "the have not's" It can be learned.
edit: added hyperlinks
>He told me that he was tired of being walked all over by his family, friends, coworkers, etc and he wanted to get better at drawing a line in the sand.
Given his saying this, here's two resources he might find useful:
 
When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
 
>Since I’m pretty sure I know where the initial stomping out of any healthy notions of boundaries came from, I think it could be a big step for SO to take with her but I want SO to be the one who makes the decision for what he wants to do.
 
/u/madpiratebippy recommends these three books (comments are hers):
 
Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
 
Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Buck
is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
 
Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon.
Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
_____
I hope you & he find some or all of these helpful.
Milentless is likely to act out (shriek, scream, blame, gaslight, attempt to guilt and on & on) at the impostion of boundaries. Damaged personalities (like her) are largely incapable of acting like adults. She may be able to respond appropriately to reward & punishment (as a normal three-year-old might). Or not.
Since what she wants is more, More, MORE interaction & time, telling her very matter-of-factly that she's driven herself into timeout with her demands is worth trying (just expect her to throw herself on the floor & kick & scream, either metaphorically or actually).
SO needs to do this (his mother, not yours & she'll use any opportunity to blame you). He should be prepared for acting out & be as unmoved as an adult would be at a spoiled neighborhood three-year-old's screaming meltdown when told they have to stay out of your house, don't get to steal suckers & can't harass your pets.
MiLentless can like it or not. The more she screams the longer the timeout & it should increase geometrically: A week, two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks & so on. This progression conveys that you mean it & if she doesn't control herself she may bar herself from your lives until the youngest of your yet-to-be children completes graduate school (iow, forever).
If she learns to behave (snarky, passive aggressive behavior is disallowed & gets sanctioned just like the rest of her shit: immediately back in timeout or extending the existing one 2X) she may be able to spend some time around you.
She can be decent (YOUR definition) or she's done being in your lives. Completely up to her.
The book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is really useful for learning to be assertive. A lot of it comes down to learning the tools and then practicing.
It began when I really saw how my dad was taking advantage of my inability to say no to him. When I started expressing I was not comfortable with some of the things he was asking (for example, always being available by phone and taking things from my mother's house to sneak to him), he blew up on me. Tried every manipulative tactic in the book to get me to do what he wanted. It led me to a really dark time of depression and an over reliance on alcohol to cope.
I began to seek out help by going to therapy. My therapist was validating and that in itself was empowering. I started to learn how I had been conditioned to say "yes" out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or being perceived as "mean."
I read books like Your Perfect Right and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I loved the latter especially, though it felt somewhat outdated, it has concrete examples of what one can say when someone pushes back on "no."
I sought out healthier people to practice setting boundaries with. I practiced until it didn't feel like I'd have a panic attack simply over declining someone's request. It became okay to say no, and I felt stronger every time I did it. I learned to observe people's reactions to my "no" and see how and when they were behaving poorly in response. That helped me not take it personally or feel I had to "fix" things. I also had to learn to take other people's "no" at face value and not read it as a personal attack.
Becoming a social worker really helped solidify my boundaries because I could practice on clients I'll never see again. I don't care if they think I'm rude or something because I won't let them use my office phone or I won't fudge progress notes or lie for them. Today my ability to say no prevents a lot of uncomfortable situations for myself and prevents resentments from brewing. I don't do anything I'm not fully on board with voluntarily.
My mantra: "No" is not the start of negotiations, it's the end of the discussion. I don't owe anyone explanations or excuses if I don't want to do something. I don't have to apologize for it, and if someone reacts in an out of proportion way (rage, guilt tripping, silent treatment, etc), I know that's their problem to manage.
It's a combination of many, many things. I don't think I can do the /r/marriedredpill sidebar justice in one single comment.
This was very, very important: I adopted an abundance mentality. For me that means that I'm fully prepared to divorce her. This mental switch changed our relationship in a big way. In RP parlance "I'm the prize" and it's her who has to qualify herself to stay Mrs. bala-key. This is not talked about openly, but I think she knows.
The important thing here is that she (or the blue pill literature I've been reading) would never be able to articulate to me that this is what I needed to do to fix my dead bedroom and keep my marriage together.
To a large extent it's actually the opposite.
Do you feel bad about saying no to non-sex things?
There's a book that's literally called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", if this is a problem in other areas of your life.
Holy shit but your mom is emotionally abusing you. It's really hard to see when you're in that situation but I think you're realizing that as well. I'm so sorry.
Have you tried asserting yourself to her? This can be super difficult especially if you and your parents are holding onto the outdated parent/child authority relationship from when you were growing up and haven't really transitioned into a more equal adult-adult type relationship. It sounds from the background you provided that you feel very much like a child when interacting with them. This is very common for many young adults (but even older adults can struggle with it too!) and living with them is probably exacerbating the situation.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Bhpkxb6RVKP8Y
Here's a book you should read that can really help you recognize when you're being emotionally manipulated, free yourself from the guilt that allows such manipulation to be effective, and allow you to assertively handle the manipulation. It can even help you assertively prompt your manipulators to be more direct and assertive with you, and consequently less manipulative. The book is called When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith. It's cheap on Amazon. The assertive skills of Fogging, Negative Assertion and Negative Inquiry could all be used to deal assertively and empathetically with your mother. It's beyond the scope of this comment to elaborate on those skills but I really do think you'd find them tremendously helpful for the situation you find yourself in as well as many life situations you are sure to encounter in the future. I can speak from personal experience as a recovering nonassertive person - this book could change your life! Good luck.
> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.
This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.
> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?
You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.
On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.
> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?
Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.
Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.
There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"
The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?
Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).
Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.
> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?
The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w
Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.
If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.
A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:
Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
You need to read this:
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink
You're a tiny asshole. Your wife is going to see this as keeping your online friends happy while she is not. Like cleaning a fairly clean bedroom when the dining table is a mess.
edit: I somehow missed her manipulative tactic about "I'll find somebody else to have a coffee date with." Unholy fucking hell, dude. You also need to read a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. This is not okay way to behave to your husband (or wife for that matter), and points to a very selfish I'm-a-victim-always mindset.
Oldie but a goodie: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
I highly recommend reading "When I Say No, I feel Guilty". It's really good to establish boundaries and be politely assertive, and not feel guilted by others' manipulations!
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
You're self-described as young so let me help out a bit here.
You're going to have to have a lot harder conversations in your working career than just letting your boss know that you can't cover a shift that you weren't scheduled for.
This is GREAT practice for that time in a low-risk environment. It also is a great opportunity to be very polite but firm about when you do not want to cover a shift.
I remember being nervous about it too when I was younger, but this issue you have is very very low on the list of hard conversations to have with your boss.
Your boss might even try to manipulate you into saying yes, and learning how to avoid this is another great skill you can learn.
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 - this book is great if you want to learn how to be assertive and breeze through these conversations.
As someone who was extremely shy when he was young and is no more, here's my advice:
You are probably shy because you worry about what other people may think of you. That's the symptom.
The underlying issue is that you give away the power to determine what is right and wrong for you to do. That's fully yours. You decide what you do and it's nobody else's business. And that's it. You don't need to be rude or an ass. But you have your own opinion and that's your perfect right.
You may want to pick up this book: http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325320969&sr=8-1
As someone who has read through all sorts of self-help-shit about confidence, assertiveness training is where it's at. And this is the best book out there on that.
TLDR: The cure for shyness is assertiveness. There's assertiveness training available.
P.S.: Being gay has nothing to do with it. But given that you just found out you are, you probably have more important things going on now. I have no experience with that, but for the shyness thing, go for some assertiveness training.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
How to ground out manipulation attempts (shit talking / tests).
i.e. fogging, broken record, agree & amplify, etc...
Vital skills everyone needs to learn on the road to maturity.
Check out: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith
Basic, easy to understand and use, real-world methods for dealing with manipulation.
Go easy at first, this power can be used for manipulating others too.
Hey OP, /u/ExoticPanther , shout out to make sure you see this.
Reading this book (among many others on TRP sidebar) really opened my eyes to just such methods and the reasons behind them.
Read "When I say no I feel guilty" next, then follow up with "The Rational Male"
"Givers have to set limits because Takers will not".
-Some Reddit user a while back.
If you don't set limits and boundaries for yourself, no one else will.
There are two books that have helped me deal with similar tendencies. When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are very good books based on sound psychological premises, as opposed to other books I read that were theology based. As a side note, theological books may help some people, they just didn't fit for me. I wanted books based on observation and scientific study.
More to the point, they help in identifying where you need boundaries and communication techniques and styles to help navigate the conversation smoothly away from those topics.
It's not necessarily an age issue, it's just personal boundaries but those are changed and updated with age. Since many people can view a passive person as someone to be taken advantage of, they target them and as we get older we typically acquire more resources that other people want. So more hands come out trying to take what you've earned.
It's shitty to have some of the closest people in your life trying to take what's yours, if you'll give it up. This will also mean that you're going to have some hard decisions about who will remain in your life. If the 'takers' cannot stop and be decent self sufficient human beings you'll have to cut loose of them. Some people of value may be cut loose, and in the end, it'll probably be better for both of you that way.
Good luck
Yes that book changed my life as far as ending manipulations and guilt.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 an amazing book on assertiveness, more than just inter-gender dynamics. written by a psych who helped peace corp and the VA deal with difficult human interaction scenarios, written decades ago. but hugely helpful for the BP programmed nice guy who needs to understand why it's ESSENTIAL to have boundaries, be assertive and stand up for yourself.
it ties very nicely back into RP but in general is a very much healthy self book without being new-age-y.
required reading.
Wait, you're "sexfriends," or you're just friends? Here in Japan, "sexfriends" means FWB. As in, you're fucking, with no strings attached.
If that's the case, what's the problem? Bang her, and bang other women too.
If you're just friends and you're not fucking, do what makes you happy. Who cares what she thinks? You want to quit being friends? Then quit being friends. You don't need to give her a reason.
Don't lose sleep over a bitch you used to fuck. Go fuck ten other women and you'll get over it.
> Refers to herself often as "the breadwinner..." ugh
Often when the wife outearns the husband by a high enough margin, she has a harder time respecting him which means she has a harder time being sexually attracted to him.
From what you wrote this dynamic seems to be playing out in your marriage.
> I always cave. Always. I have a running joke that she has never ever been wrong, because I always bite the bullet and apologize.
> Divorce, cheating, not options (kids), and she knows it.
So she can take you for granted. And because she needs sex less than you, she holds all the cards and has zero reasons to change.
You're walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict hoping for pity sex.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic but the good news is that you can stop it on your end immediately.
Read When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Good luck!
It's less likely, but depends on how good the security is on your router/wireless gateway. The other risks I mentioned are still present. Is there a reason the neighbor can't sign up for cell-based Internet?
Also, see https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/
This book really helped me. Essentially, just say no as politely as you can and drop the topic.
You can be assertive without being angry. Book
http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
The book is not gender specific but has simple, easily learned tools for standing your ground, rather than resorting to our primal 'flight or fight' response.
A used copy can usually be found on the bay pretty cheap.
There are a million self-help books for building self-esteem and working on social anxiety. I was frustrated with how many there are and didn't know which ones to choose. These specifically were recommended by my therapist(s) and have been a great help to me personally when it comes to dealing with my emotions and people at work or even family and friends. So choose one, or all, and there's your homework. :)
When I say no, I feel guilty
Thriving with Social Anxiety
Difficult Conversations
It also helps to keep a small notebook/journal and write down what's bothering you and then browse the books. You can read them straight through, which I highly recommend because then it becomes part of your experience. Read an hour a day and you can complete all of them in just a month or two. But you can also look at the TOC and indexes to pinpoint how to approach something. Good luck!
The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.
The better place to start? https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.
You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.
The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.
I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.
It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8 taken from a similar post.
I won't pretend that I understand the specifics of the dynamic between you and your family. That said, my mother was fond of giving "gifts" and then attempting to leverage those gifts later on.
As I got older, I read "When I say No, I feel Guilty." The book was applicable to me in how I interact with my wife, children, mother, boss and coworkers.
I've attached a link at the bottom. Best of luck.
http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
This is a great book that I recommend quite a bit. Seems fitting here: http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
I guess it is this one.
have to download it and read it. I am having a problem with that.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
Thanks. I got that technique from this book.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_YSGLDbCD7QV5V
Here is a post I wrote about it just after waking up.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/7ma5y7/a_nonreligious_book_that_helped_me_wake_up_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
BTW, congrats on waking up and your recent fade.
Two books for you OP.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
and
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
GOOD LUCK!
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Oldie but a goodie. Full of practical and straightforward techniques and advice on being assertive.
Also, ask questions. Don't make statements if someone disagrees with you - simply keep asking why. (Think like the Toyota 5 Whys idea). Often you will get to the root of someone's views. You may not agree with it but at least you can establish the basis of someone's opinions/beliefs. Makes it much easier to discuss things from a position of respect because they feel understood and listened to.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
This book may help, along with others in the sidebar
Welcome to OYS!
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> Physical: Over the last year, I’ve lost 50 pounds doing a combination of keto and IF. At Christmas time, I let myself slack off and have been basically maintaining weight up until about two months ago, where I really started back in earnest. About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I started lifting at Planet Fitness. I’m finding that I really need a better gym that’s more suited towards actual progress, but it will do fine for these first several months while I build up a little baseline of muscle back. Since starting diet and exercise back in earnest, I’ve lost 5 pounds and feel that I am on track to continue making progress.
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Are you tracking your calories and recording your workout reps/sets? What gets tracked gets measured, and what gets measured gets done.
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>My short term goal professionally is to pass my FE exam and to take and pass the PE exam when I am eligible a year from now to get a full license.
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Pick a date to take both and throw them on the calendar. Then prepare accordingly. It's easy to say "soon", it's not so easy to say "it's happening on [this day]."
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>Spiritual: another area that I am certainly lacking in currently, both in self discipline and leadership marriage-wise. I occasionally attend church, but not regularly. And I usually only will attend a service, and not get involved in Sunday school. To me, that needs to change and that is a matter of the self discipline it takes to get myself there every weekend.
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Yes, start attending Sunday school classes, that's a good start. Also, I take it you're not reading your Bible every day? I've had more personal transformation since doing that daily than anything else I've done. I have a link to my suggested reading plan in my OYS post each week, check it out and start on today's reading and go forward from there.
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>Marriage wise, I really need to work on my wife and her faith.
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Nope. Work on you and your faith. Put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help those around you. When you're in a solid place spiritually, then you can try to help her. My guess is that if you really take your faith seriously, attend church and Bible study faithfully, and read your Bible daily she will get on board soon enough. Not by nagging her, but by setting a godly example to follow.
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>One issue I do have that isn’t necessarily in my control, is that she is a nurse, and frequently has to work weekends.
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Invite her to attend when she's not working, but don't worry if she declines. Just make sure you go and leave the results to God. Focus on getting in the Word when the two of you are together at home, whether she accepts your invitation to join or not. Show that it's important to you.
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>This is definitely causing me some frustration, but I believe it’s because I’ve been living in her frame, trying to fit my plans into her schedule. While as the leader of our eventual family, I can’t just disregard her schedule entirely, but I place too much emphasis on trying to make my life fit her rather than have her do it the other way around.
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So develop a schedule that works for you, and invite her to join you. Read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty to learn how to say no effectively when she challenges your frame.
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>she does seem to have a legitimate medical issue. Sex can be extremely painful for her.
>We thought she had endometriosis, but after getting her checked, there was none to be found.
>We have sex about once a week, but it’s very vanilla and she honestly doesn’t seem to care for it much.
>It’s mostly duty sex.
>My goal here is to eventually get it to where my wife is actively desiring sex, and no longer thinks of it as a painful duty.
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Do you see the correlation between each of these things? If ever there was a case of Every Unhappy Wife is a Rape Victim (secular link), I think it's your case.
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>I’m not sure if it’s anything RP can fix.
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You're right, RP can't fix it. Only YOU can, using RP methods to do so. Yes, there may be an underlying medical issue, but don't let that be the reason until you've become the man God meant you to be. I suspect your wife is no different from most of the rest of the wives here, she just manifests her symptoms of dissatisfaction a little differently.
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>I did do some work to game her throughout the day last week and it led to us having much better, more enthusiastic sex.
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See? There IS hope!
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>I need to get out of the house more. I’ve always been a pretty bad friend to those I care about, simply for the fact that I don’t keep in touch. I hate texting simply for the sake of texting. I need to reconnect with college friends and cultivate those friendships again. I also need to meet new people, and I’m hoping that getting more involved with the church can lead to that.
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Yes, this will help develop every aspect of your life. Also, she can't miss you if you're never gone.
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>Since college, I’ve been in a cycle of wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat.
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The Boring Beta Bob routine. Most of us have been there in one form or another at some point.
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>I don’t yet know what hobby I’d like to take up, but I’m certainly looking for one that doesn’t involve a television.
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When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467338206&sr=1-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty
Several times I've tried to find the author online with no success. I would love the opportunity to thank him personally for the incredible impact he has had on my life.
Hold your ground. I'm having issues with my FH's family too. They are just trying to be helpful, or its tradition, or whatever. His sister is slightly upset (not actually sure how upset she is) that I didn't ask her to stand up in the wedding. (Small wedding party, if we invite her than my brothers have to stand, and I'm closer to my sister in laws than I am to her.. etc)
Anyway - These lines are your best friend.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." Over and Over. And Over. And Over. And however often it takes to get through.
You should not feel guilty.
This is YOUR day. YOUR budget, YOUR party. Take a deep breath. Say it with me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." - "But I want to, I don't want to sit alone" whatever excuse she has. "I'm sorry you feel that way." her family, her friends, FH's parents.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Don't justify yourself. You don't need reasons. This is your party, you are doing the planning and management. You don't need to justify to anyone why you decide something. Be assertive and confident, but also be firm.
After spending a week panicking about things with my FH's family, I had a friend recommend this book - "When I say No, I feel guilty" - http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 It's a little bit old fashioned (written in the 70s) However - it is simple training and techniques in how to be assertive and NOT guilt tripped into doing things that you don't actually want and won't actually make you happy.
Certainly - you can choose to make compromises, however, the worst possible outcome would be that you give in on this, and then her expectation is that with enough pestering and guilt you will give in on everything.
Sorry for being rambly and preachy - but I feel the same way, and I was at my absolute wits end with everything, the book really helped, taking a deep breath also sometimes help. (My FH's mother is also a lawyer, so she is very assertive about what she wants and makes her opinions known.)
We still have some bad days - but I just try to work through it one day at a time. Good luck! Hold your ground! You'll do great!
Here is The Manual on Self Assertiveness. It's really good. Might help with your challenge.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
Welcome.
Practicing assertiveness can free you from being a people pleaser, even with your mother, unless she's a narcissist.
"When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" is the classic: https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
This is one of the only books that has literally changed my life. Sometimes I still say yes when I mean no, but now I know how to fix it.
There are also workbooks featured on that page, if they're more your style.
Maybe he's over eager to show off his new stand up skills to his friends. My guess is he makes fun of people frequently enough to assume that it doesn't bother you. However, IMO your mistake is letting him say stuff like that without responding. You could have asked "what's your problem?" right then and there. Making your disapproval clear probably would have felt better than looking back and speculating on his intent.
As far as how to deal with people like this (and also perhaps help you in the workplace), I would recommend the book When I say no, I feel guilty. It is a book on assertiveness that I found pretty interesting and useful. Dealing with confrontation is a very important skill.
I really liked "When I say 'no', I feel guilty', by Manuel Smith. It's a little less focused on the psychology of why you aren't more assertive than "No more mister nice guy", and more focused on exactly what to do about it.
Also, I found that it's very important to understand the difference between passive, assertive, and aggressive communication. Do a Google search on 'aggressive assertive passive communication' and you'll find lot's of good information. Too many people trying to learn to be more assertive go too far over into the aggressive territory. They key thing for you to realize (that often trips up people who are more naturally passive), is that you aren't trying to only control other people. You are trying to control yourself and prevent other people from controlling you.
The Gift of Fear is a book you should read. Another is [When I Say No, I Feel Guilty](
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/) which is even more important. The first focuses on trusting yourself and the second is about asserting yourself.
"When I say no I feel guilty " you should give this book a read sometime, really puts that in perspective.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
You're welcome! All relationships are different, so I don't want to over-generalize or give advice that may harm yours when a more specific approach for your situation might have happier and longer-lasting results. It sounds like your boyfriend has some challenges to face about trust. I can say I've been there. A healthy relationship is one of the best arenas for working on that, especially if you are understanding and work with him to build that. I don't know how long your relationship was long-distance, but speaking from experience, being in an LDR and overthinking things can lead to a lot of personal trust hurdles that lead to imagined issues.
I would start digging around the internet for articles and techniques for "building trust in a relationship." Sift through them and see if there's anything you can do from your end. Maybe there's something you could show him and talk about together.
Your approach to handling the interested guy is something you should develop for yourself. Figure out effective ways that you're comfortable using in those situations. You may need to begin with a "hard no" in situations and slowly ease into more tactful techniques as you gain confidence. It may be as simple as being direct and asking the guy in class if he's looking to date you. If he says yes, you can tell him you're in a happy relationship and not available. Reading your response immediately made me think of this book that always catches my eye when I see it sitting on my therapist's shelf. I haven't read it, but the material seems applicable.
Communication is key in a committed relationship. You should both have an idea of what your ideal relationship looks like. You should both know that about each other, too. If there's a mismatch, those are things that need to be talked about. There may be some deal-breakers there, but it's far more painful to hide from those and let the tension build up over time than to cut the cord now.
Si tu lis l'anglais, je te recommande : https://www.amazon.fr/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
I'll be upfront and say I haven't read this book, but have heard good things about it - When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
Hey the comments in this thread are really good, if I could make a suggestion a really good book you may want to read is When I Say No I Feel Guilty it gives a lot of tools to assert yourself. Another great book is Boundaries by Cloud Townsend, it uses a lot of Bible references, which may or may not be helpful to you, but nevertheless the content is really good.
> ... thats [sic] not a valid reason.
That's the best reason ever.
Check out "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." Book
changedis changing my life...You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you want to do something or want to STOP doing something.
Of course, if your parents are gonna go all aloha snackbar on your ass because that's what they think is right and you're falling away from the religion... you bow your head and do as they say, and think inside "this too shall pass."
She has all thoes issues and you do everything for her and she has noone else. And she can't muster up 40 min to have sex with you in exchange for you being in her life? When she's that hopeless?
You ever hear the phrase "if you can't spot the sucker at the table, it's you".
Your a sucker.
Read this book:
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
Then when you are done, read this one.
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0762415339/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517513114&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy
I don't have experience with any. This is why your thread interested me. I need a better therapist. Stopped going to the last one after I eventually realized she wasn't able to even recognize the problems Mormonism caused me let alone help me recover from them.
These are books I have seen mentioned different places, but I haven't taken the time yet to delve into any of them. I often get caught up with choices and procrastinate making a move forward.
Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Combating Cult Mind Control
Please check this book : When I Say No, I Feel Guilty and Summary
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Do you have trouble saying "no" to people you love?
http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
> I feel guilty when I say no
Sound like When I Say No I Feel Guilty would be a good read for you.
Tell your good friend what happened. I am petty and if I a that friend or you I’d tell everyone what happened he and what he said after. Ultimately he deserves to be shamed a little by the group - enough to stop hitting on any of you or on anyond in front of you all. It’s not your job to solve this guy’s problem with friend network repercussions - he created the situation, he knows he sucks, and he shouldn’t be able to waltz into this group thing with the whole thing swept under the rug for his benefit. He can learn from this, but you’re not obligated to make that happen. Let the chips fall where they may, and tell all.
Relevant book
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_MfMWCb632QBXY