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Reddit mentions of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
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Reddit mentions: 68
We found 68 Reddit mentions of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Here are the top ones.
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- Free Press
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| Height | 8.4375 Inches |
| Length | 5.5 Inches |
| Number of items | 1 |
| Release date | September 2009 |
| Weight | 0.00110231131 Pounds |
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Hey, so I have a similar story. My family was a picture perfect middle class home with two parents and three kids. We were good kids who got good grades. I thought we were normal. Everyone envied the house I grew up in and my stay-at-home-mom.
Now when I tell them my parents are divorced and I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly 4 years (shit does time fly) I mostly get double takes. Narcs are SO GOOD at appearances and manipulations it's scary. I really want to emphasize that you are a victim here, your feelings of guilt are because you're a human with feelings who feels bad. Unlike a Narc who only cares about themselves.
If I read your post correctly, you're female. So I highly recommend the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. It really helped me when I was starting to escape the FOG. I read everything I could get my hands on, there are great resources in the sidebar of this sub. Out of the Fog is a great website, very informative.
Personally, my mother is actually diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder with features of Borderline Personality and reading up on those was immensely helpful in understanding her behaviors. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and attachment disorder. I really recommend you find a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing; mine helped me through a lot of the mess in sorting out feelings from reality and rewiring my brain to not cope, but live.
So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.
I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.
2 books I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.
These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.
You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.
Your mom sounds narcissistic but I might be misreading. There's a book I've come across in other people's discussions. They've said it's been really helpful.
And if you'll allow me to play armchair psychologist (of which I am only qualified because I have an armchair), I find it interesting that your mom wants to be involved in your son's life. I wonder if it would've been the same if you were pregnant with a girl?
I find myself suggesting this a lot so I probably seem like a broken record. There's a Babycenter board Dealing with the Inlaws and Family of Origin. They are harsh to the untrained eye. They aren't trying to be bitches. It's just that they've seen this situation so many times that they're willing to tell you what you need to hear vs. what you want to hear.
There are lots and lots of stories of narcissistic moms over there including the golden child (your brother) and the scapegoat (you). You might find it cathartic to see that others have experienced this and what they've done to try and solve it.
Don't let your mom bully you into anything you don't want. Shit, if it were me, I'd change the damn day or time of the c-section so she couldn't show up at the hospital and ruin the first moments with your son. You won't get that time back so don't cave in thinking that it'll fix your relationship with your mom.
This is not going to just go away. I was the "GF" in this case (actually wife) and my mom was constantly completely down on me, insulting me, treating me as though I was garbage. I definitely ended up acting out the same things to my ex-husband. It took until after the divorce to realize that I did do this, and that my mother was a big disruption in the marriage. She needs to stop the cycle of abuse. I recommend the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
My girlfriend who faces a similar situation tells me reading the following book has been very helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Have a look at Will I Ever Be Enough. It helped me sort out a lot of the stuff I was missing from my parents. Not an easy thing though, but it helps.
The subtitle is about daughters, but I don't remember anything specifically gendered in it.
Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.
For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother
This NPD website
For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living
Complex PTSD
You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.
This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!
My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?
Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.
>it might be the thing that can get through to her, but I feel like it also might destroy her. What do you think?
I thought both of these things about my Nmom (covert version, since you asked).
It has taken me a year of therapy to understand that 1) I'm never going to get through to her, and 2) characterizing the impact of something I might say or do as "destroying" my Nmom is pretty loaded. You can say something that causes a person to feel hurt or upset, but "destroyed"? Saying it like that tells me that you think you control your Nmom's emotional state... when actually, you only control yourself. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing.
It is very common for our Ns to condition us to think we are responsible for their feelings. And therefore we must behave exactly according to their rules.
It takes time to absorb the idea that this is not true.
You don't mention your gender, but I would encourage you to read Karyl McBride's Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I would also encourage you to investigate the concept of codependence (as another commenter mentioned), which deals with feeling responsible for other people's feelings. Codependent No More is a book that has helped me a lot. Along with a good therapist.
I know this is tangential to your question about vulnerable vs grandiose Ns, but your phrasing really struck me as a way I used to think, and I really wanted to speak to that in case I could be helpful.
Also, you mention that your dad seems powerless to stop her -- again, this is conditioning. Enabling spouses often appear helpless and can look like victims of the N. But he is an adult and can make choices about what to do with his life. He has agency, UNLIKE you when you were a child and did not have a choice about whether to depend on your parents for food, shelter, and love. He has choices about who to surround himself with and how he deserves to be treated.
And so do you.
Best wishes to you.
Hugs. My mother is similarly difficult (her only comment about my entire wedding day was "you didn't notice I got my hair cut, but I guess you were busy with other things" ... like GETTING MARRIED, SHEESH). Someone over on r/twoxchromosomes recommended this book: "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" which looks to be a great resource (it is currently in my electronic to-be-read pile).
Are YOU an asshole? Doesn't sound like it.
Look, your mother is playing a game where all the odds are stacked in her favor and you can never win. Her objective is to make you THINK that you're the one with the problem, but if you read your story and it was about someone else, who would you identify as the one who is causing the problems?
Let go of the guilt. If you didn't hate and resent her for the way she treats you, you'd be a masochist.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436. Maybe it will help you let go of feeling responsible for what isn't your responsibility.
> Maybe tiger momming works okay for hapa daughters but not for hapa sons?
 
As the daughter of a malignant Tiger Mom, I can assure you that tiger momming is absolutely damaging and crushing. The effects last a lifetime. Remember, we occasionally see posts appearing on this sub by WMAF daughters who have severe issues stemming from their abusive mothers. Saying Hapa daughters are just fine is the equivalent of WM Hapa papas insisting that they know "loads of Hapa kids" who have no issues whatsoever. You can't tell what's really going on with anyone psychologically unless they reveal the details themselves.
Arguably, Tiger Moms either have narcissistic traits or the full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Mental health professionals agree that daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. There is an abundance of healing guides for daughters of narcissistic mothers--like this one--and comparatively few addressing the sons. Perhaps daughters of Tiger Moms are more likely to get professional help and/or seek out supportive network of friends?
 
> Females have intrinsic social value, so even if they have no social skills
> there is still desire for their attention, which would elevate their self esteem.
 
Attracting bottom-of-the-barrel white guys or white nationalists (the pattern is the same for HF as it is for AF) is not flattering! In my case, it only lowered my self-esteem.
Mom might have some mental health issues going on, but it's important to understand that it isn't (never was, never will be) your fault.
At your age, this book might be a little heavy for you, but please find someone to speak with about it. You don't want to hold resentment which will affect your life and health - best to purge it and get your life healthy and on track so that you can have a bright future, with or without her. There are plenty of places that you can go to talk to someone - try Kids Help Phone (if you're in Canada) 1-800-668-6868 - anonymous, free and non-judgmental.
https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Shameless plug for you guys to check this book out. My counselor recommended it to me. It's so simple and forward and has totally simplified my life.
I'm NC with my nMom.....and I'm allll out of fucks to give for anyone who wants to give me their 2 cents on the issue.
Sure! To start, you can look for patterns. I ended up journaling out everything and looking for similarities. Some of the triggers are things you've been conditioned to respond to from childhood, which is one reason they can be so hard to spot. For me, nDad would do (and still sometimes does) a hysterical "OMG HELP HELP" flail, because I was trained to respond to nDad's flails with "oh no, how can I help?" They can be any type of flail - tech breaks, he's having a depressing day, nMom is making his life awful, he just hates everything, etc. The general pattern is nDad needs help, I am expected to help and take care of him, taking his burdens on as my own. Or, nMom wants something, so I am expected to sacrifice everything so she can have it (except she has no idea what "it" is, but I'm still supposed to give up whatever for whatever and tell her how grateful and wonderful she is).
Grey rocking helps with this. So nDad will flail and send a text - "OMG MY COMPUTER IS BROKEN WHAT DO I DO HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!!". You always need to think before responding, that's key, because so many triggers are emotional, and you need to reach an emotionally neutral place before responding. So after a few hours or even a day or two, I'll send back something like "That's awful. Have you set up an appointment with tech support?" nDad is used to me immediately trying to fix his problems - pausing the response stops that pattern, and directs him elsewhere. If there's further questions like "HOW DO I DO X, WHAT DO I DO NOW???", I refuse to help. His emergency does not become mine.
With nDad, I was conditioned to be the parent, but with nMom, I was conditioned to always seek her approval. nMom would get upset about something, go into permanent silent treatment mode, and then I was supposed to dance around until I figured out what it was and somehow fixed it. With this one, you just have to realize that a normal relationship is one that has communication and conflict resolution, not you making the other party guess what's wrong (seriously, this doesn't even work in basic friendships). So when she went into silent treatment mode the last time, because I "never answered the phone" (another falsity about myself), I left her there. It was hard at first because as kids we naturally want to reach out to our parents, but it got easier over time. We've spoken about 4 times a years in the last 4 years. You have to learn where your boundaries are. I decided that I was ok with calling them on major holidays - Mother/Father's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I plan out a list of topics I want to stick to, and don't let them go onto crazy tangents (nDad likes to rant).
Then, like what we're discussing here, there's the narrative that you are something you're not (which is guaranteed to upset anyone). Honestly, I've given up defending this. It's a natural inclination, but it doesn't get you anywhere because they don't hear you, and it inevitably just makes you upset and leads to an argument that, of course, they had no fault in, which just upsets you more and they are either delighted by your anger or completely oblivious.
When I got engaged, nMom sat me down and said, "But does he know how nasty you are?" The implication being that fiancé would leave once he realized that I'm just pretending to be a kind person and am secretly deep down a seething volcano of hatred and spite, and that I just wasn't being honest with him (because, lest we forget, I'm such a total liar). You need to find out who you are, so that you can tell yourself that you know who you are when you're confronted with this lunacy.
It takes a lot of effort and preparation. It's a total pain with little to no benefit, so I totally understand why many people go NC. I'm LC with nDad and NC with nMom. And, if they really piss me off, I do go NC, just without telling them about it. I'll just stop responding. Some people do write a letter to say "hey, I'm going NC", and at first I felt really guilty about doing it and not telling them. But, then I realized that I AM an adult and I DO have to protect myself. We have to protect our own sanity, and that means learning where your boundaries are. Since they are anxiety causing, some of my boundaries are:
They do not know my home address and they do not have a direct phone number for me. They do have an email address.
These were some books that really helped me out, and I read each of them a few times:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
​
If I can be of any help, let me know. :)
I know this is a touch off topic, but for dealing with the aftermath of such an occurrence, please give your SO this book: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1/179-3456023-8640952?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453145264&sr=1-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
It's really helpful for people who have narcissistic parents and how to deal with the long term effects. Good luck to your SO, she should certainly hold them accountable to the highest level of the law. They're grown adults and they know what they did, total lack of regard for your SO.
Look up the book, Will I ever be good enough, healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers, it helped me tremendously,
My mother is awful, she was awful to my husband, unless she wanted something from him, she would have preferred me divorced and living with her with our kids,
The book opened my eyes big time!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lA6GDbBFYB3G3
Buy the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride ( https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 ) and give it to your wife. It might help her start to understand how her mother will always treat her.
You are strong enough. I'd say counseling is going to be huge for you. Take your time to find the right person for you, a good counselor that fits your needs and that you feel connected to will be huge.
Try this book - it's not the best I've ever read, but it does address the things you're talking about.
I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!
Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)
FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.
A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.
Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.
NON FICTION:
Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one
My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships
Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.
Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.
I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.
Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.
You shouldn't feel guilty. I was made to feel the same way about myself, but my mantra is "living well is the best revenge", because despite everything that my mother had done to me to make me feel like I'd never amount to anything, I have a wonderful life. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, which means you need to take a step back and maybe see a counselor. If you want to start with maybe reading a good book on the topic, start with "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 You are NOT to blame for the way you were raised.
It is extremely hard to live with the consequences of being raised by an NMom, I know. I still have to deal with it - there's nothing like feeling guilty about picking your mom up for Thanksgiving dinner from the low-income senior citizens apartment complex (she took out a reverse mortgage and blew through all the money after my dad passed) in a brand-new $50k SUV. Trust me. You just have to take it one day at a time and build yourself a good support network. I do suggest that you see a doctor though, it sounds like you had a pretty good anxiety attack. I had one like that about 17 years ago that caused me to re-evaluate much of my life. I spent about 3 years on medication to help with it. I no longer take anything though, and now I maybe get mini- anxiety attacks about once every other year, but nothing I can't deal with without the meds. I find that yoga is a huge help.
I am still VERY limited contact with my mom. Talk to her maybe once a month and have her for dinner on holidays.
If narcissistic personality disorder is in fact what you're dealing with, I strongly recommend you read this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_iDOVCbCKJJ482
Even through aimed at daughters, there is still a great deal of value in it for sons.
Thank you so much for this thread, u/pastelchi, and this reply, u/innermostenergon. I'm so sorry you've gone through all that, innermostenergon. :-(
> Don't you respect his integrity and his dignity when he says he loves you and wants you?
This is a really good point, and I think it's the same one that yellsatdumbasses was getting at, too. I never really put myself in his shoes and thought through what the consequence of the "But he doesn't really mean it when he says he loves me..." nonsense is, but yep, that's it. It's both disrespecting his integrity and dignity, and basically assuming he'd lie just to not be alone.
> Don't you think he at least deserves time with you?
And this resonates with me, too: I am not this what I become sometimes. Yes, he deserves time with the real me. So do I. That may not have been what you meant, but that's the way that's helpful for me.
OP, you might have a look at this book which has helped me start to heal from my abusive mother.
A book that really helped me is Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride. This book really breaks it down and gets to the bottom of a lot of our issues, then gives practical exercises you can do to work through them.
This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_
I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!
I recommend looking up Will I Ever Be Good Enough? and then working your way through the "customers who bought this item also bought" list lower on the page. I'm not sure what you deal with specifically, and it does vary even within this subreddit, but that "also bought" list has a lot of good stuff in it.
This book changed a lot for me: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride - I have never seen myself so clearly reflected in something. It was heartbreaking but also very cathartic and validating.
Was it "The Emotionally Absent Mother" or "Will I Ever Be Good Enough"?
I found this book and this other book to be pretty helpful in sorting out my early grieving issues. Really gave me some new language, and at least on of those books has some writing exercises to help sort out your thoughts. Not sure if you're into self help books, but I figured I'd share just in case :)
Your mom is using guilt to control you with language like “she gave up everything for you and your brother”. Narcissist parents talk like this. Kind, loving, non-mentally ill parents do not.
If you haven’t read it already, I would highly recommend checking out the book “Will I ever be good enough?“ By Karyl McBride:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Can you rely on your dad to support you? I think you should ask him for support like he did before. It may sound selfish to some people, but you had been doing things you didn't feel too comfortable all your life to please her, I mean, now you are becoming an adult, just do it, what other opportunity like this you'll have? Don't think too much about her worries, no need to be rude, just try to take the conversation in other direction when she talks about her fears, after all, those are HER fears.
I recommend you to check this book, your description remembered me of my mother, may not be your case, but it helped me
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:
Toxic Parents
Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Drama of the Gifted Child
Children of the Self-Absorbed
Try reading this book. You'll see if it emotional abuse or just normal gifts.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am also sorry that this has just recently come to light... for me, the hardest part was realizing that my mother was a narcissist and that’s why certain things in my life didn’t make much sense (my co-dependency for example).
This book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” was so eye opening and so unbelievably helpful for me. You should definitely check it out... it’s weird because as you read it certain things in your life start making sense. It kinda blew my mind.
Anyway, I’m wishing you all the best!
Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this. Lots of people here understand exactly how you're feeling and it is so, so hard.
I often feel the same about my boyfriend's family - he was given a lot of unconditional love by his parents and still receives this now. It breaks my heart to see it and realise how alien it is to me and how emotionally deprived my childhood and much of my adult life was.
I just wanted to let you know about a book I read earlier this year that helped me enormously, it may help you too and is obviously a lot cheaper than therapy! It actually recommends in part of the book choosing a doll or similar to talk as part of a process of healing your inner child.
I've linked the book here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I'm going to add Will I Ever Be Good Enough.
I read Co-Dependent no more because of my father's recommendation years ago. It really helped me learn how to deal with the alcoholics in my life (NMom and my ex-husband) while learning to stop my own enabling behaviors. I think OP & her father would benefit reading this.
Yeah!
My stepmom pulled that shit on me. She's obese and short. Around the time I was going through puberty I had an awkward, slightly chubby phase. I don't think I was ever considered medically overweight, though. I had always been self-conscious about my appearance, as I had been taller than all the other kids for years and got boobs and hips early and that shit was awkward.
Anyway, when I first met her, she would make really weird comments about my appearance. I was 10 or 11 or so, but she would tell me that I had sexy legs or that I looked hot in certain outfits. I don't know, the legs thing could have been envy/an attempt at a compliment do to her family being all Greek and stumpy, but it's still a really odd thing to say to a child. As I got older and began to develop further she would start suggesting that I was gaining too much weight. She told me that I should weigh myself every morning completely naked. The reason for morning being that apparently people weigh a little less in the morning than in the afternoon. She said the proper weight for someone who if 5ft tall is 100 lbs, and 5 pounds for every inch after that. For instance, I was probably about 5'4'' around then. If I weighed anything more or less it was the wrong weight. This is totally discounting frame size, acceptable ranges, body fat percentages, etc.
During middle school I became slightly chubby. Nothing spectacular. Middle school in an ugly pit and I still had a little bit more growing to do. My stepmother began buying me clothes that were way too big, and if I tried on something that wasn't a potato sack she would declare it too small. So I was not allowed to show that I had a shape besides "brick" and she wanted to convince me that I wore a women's size 16. Going shopping with her was awful, as she would make me try hundreds of things on and then pick apart exactly how they didn't fit and were too "clingy" and showed how fat of a tummy I had or whatever. She wouldn't let me go into the dressing room alone and would very forcefully "help" me get the clothing on. I didn't like shopping to begin with, but she had a special talent at making it worse. She would then start trying to convince me to go on a diet so that boys would like me and so I wouldn't have to shop at the "big girl store" like she did.
Eventually, I got obsessed with my weight. I was already depressed as fuck because I had no friends and middle school is shitty and I missed my real mom (blah blah blah sad) and started meticulously counting my calories in an attempt to lose weight. I would try to get less than 1000 per day and mentally beat myself up if I ate any more than that. I don't remember how much weight I lost and I never became underweight, but the whole thing made me even more tired and depressed than I was before and I stopped after a few months. My stepmom started obsessively commenting on that, too, and made a bunch of passive-aggressive "proud" comments. Of course, this didn't stop her from commenting excessively on how I had pimples or that she thought my teeth were too yellow or that she thought my hair was ugly or that I had dry skin or that she didn't like what I wore or that she thought I should wear makeup and get plastic surgery (My boobs are sort of asymmetrical and she thought that insurance would pay for a "reconstructive" boob job. She wanted me to be able to show nicer cleavage for my future husband.)
Essentially, she is and was jealous of me and yours is likely jealous of you. I have just about the same body type that you described for yourself, and you know what, we're fucking pretty. My stepmom shows a lot of symptoms for narcissistic personality disorder, and your mom might, too. I'm reading this. You might want to, as well.
Anyway, sorry, that was a rant. I could have done my own offmychest post with that! Sorry!
Have you been reading any self help books to help you while waiting for therapy? I found the following immensely helpful but I have to admit that I had to be exercising (usually hiking) while listening to the audiobooks to work out the feelings of all the trauma and old wounds it brought up. But the release was extremely cathartic and the validation of the authors is also healing. If you read, make sure you are in a quiet, calm and safe place. If you listen, a long walk will ease reflection.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
Self-sabotage is deeply imbedded in our self-esteem, caused by the years of abuse and neglect of our emotional wellbeing. Ergo we don't deserve happiness. Utterly illogical, isn't it?
My self-sabotage comes in waves, sometimes overwhelming and other times just quietly lapping. It's worse when I have experienced a trigger or a stressor, and I have to work really hard to self-care. Mindful meditation, exercise and nutritious food help me.
Try to be kind to yourself and reach out whenever you need to. We're all here to heal.
Look at it from her perspective. She can’t handle her ego getting bruised and she always has to “win”. She screams and yells and is not accountable for her behavior. That’s selfish, and she is only thinking about herself in those cases.
Then when you call her out on it, she starts sulking and playing the victim. Again, that’s selfish - she’s making it all about her.
She has no regard for how she makes other people feel, and is incapable of empathy. She is so focused on herself that she doesn’t have room for anyone else.
When you recognize this, it’s a revelation. You view people like her from more of an observational perspective and are able to emotionally detach yourself from that insane reality that she lives in.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
This is a really good book if you are ever interested in learning more.
Thank you - I'm gonna go read.
Edit: ah yes, memory refreshed. That self-help book... I mean I've been sexually assaulted too and that book would NOT have been welcome!
If you ever wanted a self help book, this one might be more the thing...
Oh my- the details of your conversation were straight out of my Nmom's playbook. This summer I cut her off for good and I've never felt so free in my life. When I was trying to go from VLC to NC, she did the exact same thing- trying to act like the stuff coming out (things from childhood) were out of the blue, but they aren't, because we carry these things with us every damned day. Minimizing your pain is a narc manipulation tactic. Be free, and cut them off for good.
Additionally, the book "Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" was life changing. I highly recommend it- https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
First off, not that long by RBN post standards. Second, I can't really tell you if your mom is an N, no one on the internet really can. But I can point out a few things that are red flags:
Many of these are N tactics, if you read about RBN a bit you'll start to see them as reoccurring patterns. BUT again, no one can tell you if your mom is an N or something else.
My advice is to start seeing a therapist, you need someone to talk this through and putting it all on your husband isn't great for you, him or your marriage. A therapist can give you clarity about your mom's behaviour (it's unethical to diagnose someone without meeting them so don't expect a formal diagnose for your mom). Lastly, if your mom is an N there is a good possibility you have FLEAS that you could pass down to your kids, you'll need help getting rid of them fast.
Good luck and be kind to yourself.
edit: This is an amazing book, you'll see it recommended here a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
This booked has helped tremendously. As I get to know myself I understand why I am the way I am... which ceases judgement and is replaced with compassion.
You can do it :)
I was thinking of getting this book. It seemed like it may fit my situation. maybe it could help you too. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/?coliid=I2XMTWJBN2YWYM&colid=3DPVQE4B3SW2C&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
I had those fight nights, yep. Mom starts to escalate and attack me, and I had so much pent up emotion and hormones and frustration that I wouldn't be able to keep calm, then I'd be caught up in her emotional tornado, so I'd get even more upset at myself for not being better than her, which means I can't defend myself when my dad would intervene. Did you notice that your dad also expected more maturity out of you than he did from your mom? At times, it felt like my dad held me to a higher standard of behavior than her. I don't know what to do with that yet.
>Whenever I get angry at my mother she gets angrier.
100% same. It was like throwing down a cage match.
>Self-Hate. I called myself a stupid bitch yesterday and cried in public because I'll have another C this semester, and only B's, which would make yet another semester with a less than 3 average as a GPA. I believe that I'm not good enough. I believe that I'm stupid. Even though I have an internship at a pretty prestigious hospital waiting for me this summer. I feel like I'm nothing because it feels so true.
Oh friend, it hurts so much. If you haven't already, you might like Will I Ever Be Good Enough? it speaks to this topic and resonated strongly with me. Just a few years ago, I still believed I was broken and incapable of loving myself or being loved. I despised myself on a level that I almost can't believe now, even though I have vivid memories of it. Even when the self-hate wasn't cranked up, it was still quietly affecting everything in my life. In a few ways that I knew of, and so many that I didn't until I came out of the haze. It's been a twisty, strange path to loving myself instead, but through therapy, reading a few books, finding reddit, and actively working on new skills, I've cut the self-hate almost completely, I hope. I've been trying to figure out how exactly it happened, it sort of snuck up on me over time as I worked on it.
Here are some resources I found. I hope they are helpful.
Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3KJOS5MCJHDF6&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough&qid=1569021426&s=gateway&sprefix=will+i+ever+be+%2Caps%2C231&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Mother-Understanding-Narcissism-Daughters-ebook/dp/B07X7XKZBY/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=npd+mother+daughter&qid=1569021762&s=gateway&sr=8-6
https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_sbs_14_3/135-2861419-6173028?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pd_rd_r=2f646092-d474-4db0-a196-5ff21f95c08a&pd_rd_w=qAhbz&pd_rd_wg=fguag&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14&psc=1&refRID=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14
Articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201310/mothers-who-are-jealous-their-daughters
https://greatist.com/live/mother-daughter-jealousy#5
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/10/dealing-with-the-jealous-mother/
Podcast:
https://player.fm/series/the-narcissist-in-your-life-podcast/narcissistic-mothers-corrosive-jealousy-of-their-daughters
I empathize with you as another daughter of a narcissist, who failed spectacularly out of therapy while refusing all accountability. (My mother, not me, I spent many years in therapy learning appropriate emotional coping strategies.)
These books, along with writing quite a bit of my story, were critical in my recovery:
Children of the Self Absorbed
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
I highly recommend writing your life story, btw. After all the gas lighting abusers do, it is so validating to write and reread life from your own perspective.
And honestly - if you want therapy, try it! But don't feel like you have to limit yourself to one kind of therapy (talk) to recover. Many people find art, music, dance, yoga, and other activities of personal expression to be healing as well. Good luck on your taper!
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
You should definitely check out this book. It's for daughter's raised by narcissistic mothers, it also talks about the father's role as well. It goes into how to heal from it and many other things. Your therapist should be able to help you with most of the other stuff. But something that really helped me with accepting the positives and negatives and with mental stability is Buddhism. I'm general spiritual I read stuff from all religious sectors. But Buddhism is based around finding mental stability, feeling and expressing love and compassion, acceptance, and it's core is putting you on the path out of suffering. The best book for that is The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Soygal Rinpoche. The book talks about all parts of life, including your own death as well as how to be there for people who are dying. It goes over so much and it's beautifully written. Most of modern therapy, especially BPD specific therapy (DBT), is based on Buddhism and Eastern religions because it is in Buddhism where radical acceptance comes from. Also Alan Watts was a philosopher, and he studied all the religions and was really into Buddhism and Zen and he has fantastic books that are self help and spiritual and his outlook on life shows you how you are connected to the world and yourself. Alan Watts has significantly helped me. Also, if you look on YouTube many of his talks are on there too. I prefer listening to his talks because he is kind of funny but when you listen to him talk then when you read his stuff it makes more sense and you get the inflections he has.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:
Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462888852&sr=8-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
http://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320550249&sr=1-4
Have you read 'Will I ever be good enough?'
I saw mention of this book in this sub, and it is full of information that will strike deep a the heart of everything you're going through. Personally, I'm still in recovery, but I've been where you are with feeling worthless and suicidal. It doesn't have to be this way.
You're right. You ARE strong. You CAN overcome and even forgive, but you have to get through acceptance first. Please consider the book I mentioned, Amazon has a nice pre read available. I really think it will be worth your time.
Best of luck honey. You're never alone. We've all been through this. Come back to this sub whenever you need help. We will be here.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - this book was really helpful for me and a friend I lent it to with similar issues.
I don't want to take it upon myself to diagnose anything, but I do want to recommend a book to you that you can check out and see if it is helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368672565&sr=8-1&keywords=narcissistic+mothers
How you describe your mom, especially how she spoke ill of you when you were working hard to take care of your family and doing the things she should have been, that really reminded me of the narcissistic traits/tendencies discussed in this book.
Anyway - hope it's helpful.
Yes. Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissiric Personality Disorder (though this diagnosis is rarely given because narcissists rarely seek therapy unless they are forced to or suffer a flash of light live-changing usually traumatic experience where their narcissism no longer can protect their false dreamt-up reality using others as ‘narcissistic supply’)
My parents sandwiched me growing up with their V-spot BPD-NPD real-self dance when they inadvertently and advertenly activate each others’ false selfs and defense mechanism who are unable to procure true real romantic intimacy to support an authentic true-self loving household therefore inflicting role-reversal enmeshed narcissistic abuse onto their self-esteem identity/indivislity developing children.
https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217
https://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847
https://openlibrary.org/books/OL7270096M/Search_For_The_Real_Self
Which is why hordes of internet schizoid-like Internet-type dudes are trying to resolve their fundamental core inability to expresss true genuine feelings of true intimacy with friends, relationships, others, etc. because of a ‘beta’ father and an ‘abusive’ mother in a dysfunctionla nuclesr family structure, if at all. And we live in an escapist dreamworld trying to live vicariously through Hollywood superheroes to imitate — or for the Asian community an idealized person to guide and relate to; the idealized Asian father figure to sooth and ameliorate our lack of identity, self-esteem development, and masculinity.
Luckily for me, my father was masculine so I have no problems standing on my own two feet with dudes of all backgrounds (hustlers, ex-cons, and blue-collar, nerds, etc.) but the romantic part is very difficult for me right now because of an emotionally toxic mother with no immediate female relatives to relate to as a child. This is why long-term insight-oriented psycho dynamic talk therapy is critical to address the identity issues and garner a stable self-image and develop healthy self-esteem building in a ‘safe-space’ private dedicated session with an if good objective psychoanalytic psychoanalyst/psychotherapist. But HMOs/insurance/self-pay don’t want to pay for this only to cheap out with superfiscal cognitive-behavioral “jussss change ur thoughts about the ordeal” approach, rather than bringing about unresolved unconscious intrapsychic conflicts from (early) childhoods that arrests our core identity development/self-esteem building (confidence) as individuals in this “I”-centered Westernsphere whereas conversely Confucianism culture of asserting direct confrontation of “I” or “you’re xyz” is vehemently disrespectful in the interpersonal culture of indirection.
...but Confucianism/Buddhism teaches us we must embrace suffering and self/sacrifice for a better successive generation tomorrow. Our immigrant parents bring this collectivism mindset but to navigate American life, we must assert ourselves as independent functioning individuals with self-stability and self-constancy of who we are. Simply said, the West values the individual irrespective of the family despite the aristocratic lineage rhetoric as Hollywood always admires a great rags-to-riches underdog movie. Whereas the Confucianism East desires to maintain peace, harmony, order and peaceful resistance of nonconfrontation.
However, the irony is that growing up in the Anglosphere we have to garner a dialetically diametrically opposed dualistic strategy of collectivist Confucianism at home and individualist identity in the non-Asian real-world. The village community doesn’t respect the individual because you’re deviating from the social norm and ingroup clique and their collectively shared self-esteem and group identity. Whereas the West cherishes the Johnny Appleseed wanderer, Lewis and Clark expeditions, the visionary dreamer for whatever xyz dreamt-up upotia. The East wants to maintain the Confucius scholar-beaurcrat hierarchy. Essentially, America’s narrative is to explore and find family and a sense of community as an individual leaving home, whereas the East wrt to China desires to maintain internal social stability our 5000 Han Chinese homogenous familial hierarchical family. And it is no mistake that the Asian-to-Asian connection is vehemently ingrained into our inner concious fabric through generations of solidarity until our ancestors lost out our internal familial peace where the Qing dynasty failed his people to the West/Japan with the Century of Humiliation.
Western religious history and narrative is one fraught with master-slave savior-savee god and his followers and competing interpretations of the biblical texts therefore causing seemingly intergenerationally perpetual Holy War conflicts, aggresive exploitation of religious enemies, and war to conquest others to occupy religious superiority and “englightrnment” to them through pillaging villages and indoctrinating the “superior” religion into others through newly erected religious institutions. ....Confucianism has none of that. Heck, Buddha respects his followers worshipping of other Gods. Though the other religions respect you for worshipping other Gods is of their own issue.
Additionally Confucianism culture teaches us to not seek for extraneous help for fear of looking weak (maintaining ‘perception amnagement’ just like we curate our happy social-media happy moment reel to manipulate a certain image in the shared 3rd digital/cyberspace dimensional realities) and keep family matters private as to not air-out dirty laundry in order to ‘save face’ and not being shame to the family name — as in defeat and loss of status. But the crux of the matter is that the family systems dynamic is vehemently unhealthy due to intergenerational trauma and familial tug-of-war narcissism, especially given that immigrant parents self-sacrifice to economically bust their butts but along cling onto their children for emotional security in this new foreign world as we try to forge our own narratives and identity. The more we grow to be American with individuality,the more it counteracts the intergenerational Confucianism familial planning in the name of maintaining the preservation the lineage successive dynastic ‘family name’. (Indians are in the extreme with arranged marriages) Luckily for me my parents despite their narcissism are open-minded cosmopolitan individuals and don’t mind me Americanizing and imposed any racial dating restrictions.
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.com/dp/0787908703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rA1-AbZS1J063
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dB1-AbVQXAZTN
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_NB1-AbN0P827E
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245611/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ND1-Ab94P47XX
Thanks. I've actually read this book with a title that's decently unfortunate for how spot-on it is (http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436), and it helped a lot. Interesting subreddit. I highly doubt I'll ever "cut them out," but still, healthy distancing mechanisms are important to learn.
I found that I am this way after coming from generations of narcissist. There was book that also helped me called http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426297757&sr=8-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
It's marketed towards women/girls, but I believe could apply to guys. > Codependent No More
This book helped me understand a lot:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_bxgy_img_3/133-1019529-9219000?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1439129436&pd_rd_r=db44f917-5ae2-11e9-93ae-4b1193112941&pd_rd_w=p2srA&pd_rd_wg=ar2bj&pf_rd_p=a2006322-0bc0-4db9-a08e-d168c18ce6f0&pf_rd_r=VPDYZJT6SP1FSYECW9XW&psc=1&refRID=VPDYZJT6SP1FSYECW9XW
reading about this can be really helpful - I highly, highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 - in the meantime, hang in there, and just remember that just because one person, or even a few, think or say certain things about you, them feeling or thinking or saying those things doesn't make them true, and the way they treat you isn't fair simply because they feel entitled to treat you that way. internet hugs!
I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.
First, since you asked, some books:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Toxic Parents
Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)
If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.
If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.
Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.
Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!
edit: formatting
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
been there with my wife - cutting toxic mom out of her and our life was the best thing she ever did.
also check this out: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
This is amazing and I'm so incredibly happy for you. It's almost like we're living parallel lives. I'm really happy to have found this blog and your post! I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first, and went no contact with my Mom in June, so about 3.5 months now. I've also never been happier!! Being pregnant now for the first time at 37 yrs old has been a huge turning point in my life. I feel like I'm finally my own, SEPARATE WOMAN. I've put up with my Mom's abuse and projecting all her problems onto me my whole life. Every problem she has or issue she's struggling with she projects onto me and acts as its my problem or wants me to feed into her delusional beliefs that everyone is always mistreating her and she's always a victim. I have major guilt and shame issues because of this. It doesn't matter how sweet or loving of a daughter you are to your narcissistic mother you are always doing something wrong in their eyes. I would've gone no contact years ago but because my brother committed suicide 5 years ago, the guilt of her being sad and alone kept me around (she doesn't have anyone). I didn't want her to be sad or lonely.
After this last blowup (they happen every 2 months or so) I couldn't and was not willing to handle it anymore. I'm pregnant and extremely happy and she should be happy for me too. She stayed in a somewhat dormant "normal" state for all but 2 months. I told her about my pregnancy reluctantely when I was 3 mo. pregnant and she had almost the same response as your Mom- the look on her face was a scared look. Not scared for me, but scared that she wasn't going to be in control of me any longer. During this last blowup she called me names, started terrible arguments with me and dug up extremely old painful things from my past such as rehab and a suicide attempt from when I was 16 and then started bashing my Dad for being an evil terrible person (they divorced over 33 yrs ago but she still cant get over it and blames him for all her problems). She also brought up how me taking the day after pill may have caused harm to my fetus/baby since I took it 2 days after I had sex!! I stood up to her twisted her reality and told her my experiences with my Father were not the same as yours. I also told her I no longer care about the past and digging up terrible things from it, and that I've moved past it and have been and am looking forward. I mentioned she may want to start doing the same and that counseling is awesome in helping with that (I've said this numerous times but she said she doesn't need counseling). She started to unravel and grasp at anything she could to remain in control of the argument and have the upper hand, cause like you mentioned narcisstics are always about power. They need to have power over others especially the ones they've been using their whole lives to dump all their shit off on, which sadly is usually their daughters or husbands.
Bascially I'm sick of the bullshit and her and her crazy drama she creates to blame everyone around her. She's the most toxic and angry person I know. Has my life improved since going no contact? YOU BETTER BET YOUR PRETTY SOCKS IT HAS! :)
Sorry for my LONG response. I just wanted to tell you some of my story, since I empathize with yours so much. I'm also in therapy 3 times a month for the last year and its help me unload so much. Keep going girl! You will start to realize how much of your identity, personal power and self love has been taken away from your Mother. What a perfect time to go no contact. We are teaching our Mothers at this very moment they can no longer abuse us and disrespect us. And if they are ever to be in our lives again, things will be much, much different. If you haven't already I highly recommend reading this book before your son is born. It seriously helped me get deep into the healing process and release tons of guilt and shame. I got the audio book and listened to it while I would go on walks. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473966183&sr=8-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough+healing+the+daughters+of+narcissistic+mothers
If I don't hear from you I wish you all the best and I hope you know friends and family will fill that space in your life, and give you the unconditional love and support you deserve. Then your kiddo will bring you that joy thats been missing from life. I send you lots of love and give you a giant air hug! Sweetie Moon
Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.
However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS
These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884
That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.
On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.
And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.
Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.
Hope this helps!
Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?
Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.
And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.
So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.
Sorry to hear that. Narcissists are a massive pain in the ass, especially when you're related to them.
I haven't read this, but my SO I mentioned read this and said it helped a ton: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Also, to help yourself with any anger you have towards her (and anyone for that matter) I recommend Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Shit's enlightening.
Edit: links
This happens to me too. --hugs-- all the time. Have you read the book 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?'
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Well it kinda of depends on how much effect she has had on you. Personally, I would not recommend going to any therapy with your mom until you have good groundwork for yourself established, because as an N, will have a hard time facing the truth about themselves and may hamper your healing. Also remember, she can only help herself and change if she wants to. You can not rescue her. And that's ok. It's perfectly fine.
Decide how much contact you want with the N. A phone call every now and then? Contact on facebook? No contact at all? How will you handle her wanting to see your daughter? Set some FLEXIBLE boundaries. What you think will work now, may not work 6 months from now. But establish them. Write them down and be firm. You should send it in an email/letter, so that there is no ground for immediate back and forth. Keep it short, don't give her any ammo, just tell her that because of her behavior, you will only be doing X with her for now. Be prepared for the backlash that is more than likely to follow. But stay strong, and know that there is support here if you need it.
Now you are over one hurdle. Now you should look at yourself. Therapy is great, if you can afford it. But there are other things out there. Sit down and think about your past, this part is going to suck. You are already part of the way there if you thought about the letter. Think about whether or not you have any fleas. Are there things you do because your mother did them? Since you have a daughter, I would recommend watching for these the most, because these will affect her growing up. When/if you come across them, write it down, make a list of how it made you feel when it happened to you. Make a list of what you feel like you should do instead. Consult it every now and then, having it written down will give you a base point to see how far you are coming.
I just got done reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. You can get it for less than $10 on Amazon. You may be able to get it at a Half Priced Books or some similar used book store. Get a pen so you can make notes. Read it. Read it again. The only thing I don't agree with is that it says something along the line of don't show any anger. Screw that. This is not your fault. You have the right to be angry. You don't necessarily have to express it to your mom. Write it down in a journal. Cry. Focus on the fact that you have a hard time with expressing your feelings. Know that it's ok, you are human, and worthy of emotion. Talk to a supportive friend. If you lack in the friend department because you have grown up with an N, talk to me. Make friends with someone on this sub. Talk to them.
Visit this page There's an image on there. Print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror. Read it every day when you are brushing your teeth.
Out of the Fog This is another forum dedicated to people dealing with this stuff, though you may be satisfied with RBN here.
Start there. You will start to heal, and find the things that work for you. Make time for yourself. When you feel like you have gotten better at something, find something new to address. Do it one by one. You will find underlying things that you maybe don't realize come from your N yet, but they will be there. You have already taken a huge step by confronting the N in your life, and walking away. You can heal and move forward. You are going to make it.
I'm not a therapist, but I am broke most of the time. This is how I approached my situation before I even understood that my mom was an N. I just knew that there was something not right with me. Everything was my fault. And while I have approached it for YEARS as it was my fault, I know now that it is not. But I have still removed some fleas this way. The book was good for me. I hope that you will find something that works in the this massive wall of text.
This is a tough issue.
I recommend this book:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436&ved=2ahUKEwj66sb2yPLkAhXEHjQIHdMLAKwQFjAMegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw2YK4NaAtqb95uITYzktFKQ
> I'm empathetic with friends, complete strangers, most people. It's just the people who are cruel to me.
Ok. You are deluding yourself if you think that's true.
A simple reading of your original post:
> I've also realized that I myself am still bitter, and almost get a sick enjoyment when someone I knew in high school gets a DWI, became a teen parent, or gets engaged young and then gets cheated on. I don't want to do this. I want to feel good something without needing to mock others. Ironically, when I do become giddy at someone I used to know getting arrested, my father will say that young people do dumb things
Your entire post is excellently summarized with the line, "I want to feel good, something, without needing to mock others". In other words, YOU CLEARLY CAN'T FEEL GOOD WITHOUT SADISTICALLY DERIVING PLEASURE FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S PAIN. Think about it - you are the one stating you feel disgusted with yourself because of your "sick enjoyment" of other people's misfortune and errors. If you don't face this fact head-on, you will NEVER fix this problem.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285
http://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Would be an excellent idea for you to go to Al-Anon. Also, you should do some reading on childhood trauma... your therapist is obviously way out of their league. If you can find a trauma specialized therapist, that would be a better fit for your situation. Seeing a psychiatrist wouldn't be a bad idea, either.