I struggled with low energy for most of my life. If you are serious about fixing your energy level, read this post carefully...I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out what made my energy levels tick & finally got it figured out (for me, at least). Here is what I learned over the years:

1. The #1 provider of both energy & motivation is sleep, specifically (1) going to bed early, and (2) getting enough hours of sleep. For me, that first involved finding my "sleep window" at night (that time when you get sleepy, but try to ignore it & keep surfing the net/watching TV/reading the chapter you're on/etc.) - for me, that was around 8:30pm. Then figuring out how much sleep I needed...at least 7 hours. I actually get more tired if I sleep more than 9 hours or so, kind of over-tired.
   
   I call this natural energy & natural motivation because once you get dialed into good sleep hygiene, those feelings of energy & motivation come from a natural internal, uh, fountain. You just feel good without having to force yourself into it through exercise or getting excited about something or anything like that. I define energy as physically feeling like doing stuff instead of just feeling meh or drained or kinda depressed all the time. I define motivation as that feeling of excitement from using your brain, i.e. thinking about stuff. When you're tired, thinking about going out with your friends or grabbing some food or whatever can become a barrier, whereas when you feel good, it's easy to get excited & feel motivated about doing just about anything.
   
   This is entirely different than how most of the American population lives on a regular basis...most people live with constant sleep debt. We have so many distractions at night that it's all to easy to not listen to those quiet little signs from our body, like when your eyelids start drooping & you feel kinda sleepy. One tip here, don't go to sleep when your sleep window hits...you need to be in bed & ready for it to hit so you can simply doze off. If you feel sleepy & then start your bedtime routine, i.e. brushing your teeth & whatnot, you're going to wake yourself back up & miss your window.
   
   Think about the opposite: stay up late, ignore when your body is sending you signals that it wants to sleep, and either get too few hours of sleep or get too much sleep & be over-tired. Everybody wants a magic bullet for energy levels & nobody wants to sign up to the reality that it pretty much just boils down to maximizing your sleep habits. It's nearly impossible to master in today's society, however...Internet, television, books, friends, places open late, etc. You really have to make a serious commitment to make this a regular habit. Once you do, you can skip a night or two every week & have fun, like on the weekends, but mostly you have to stay on top of it to keep in the natural high-energy groove.
   
   
2. The most powerful motivation is mental. If you have something you're excited about, you'll do anything, no matter how you feel. I call sleep the #1 provider of motivation & energy because your physical body is the foundation of your health & it's easy to be consistent at doing it, whereas mental motivation can be pretty fickle, but mental motivation is really the strongest thing there is to amp up your energy levels. Think about something you got MEGA excited about, like looking forward to a date or a new video game or whatever you geek out on (or, uh, when a new Harry Potter book would drop & you'd stay up all night to read it...hahaha) - mentally you get some jazzed up that even if you were exhausted, you were still pumped!
   
   On the flip side, if you have a job you hate, family problems, money issues, etc., and you're stressed out all the time, you're going to feel pretty drained all day. Fortunately that's 99% controlled by perspective, which can be fixed if you want it to be. For starters, I'd recommend reading the short book "Attitude is Everything" by Jeff Keller. It's available as a Kindle e-book on Amazon if you want to read it in a browser:
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Attitude-Everything-Change-Your-Life/dp/0979041031
   
   Aside from having an attitude shift (which is something most people can benefit from, at least to some degree), I've found the two most important things for being mentally motivated is to (1) have a hot project you're working on right now, and (2) have another hot project lined up in the que to look forward to. If you're just bumming around all the time & also don't have anything cool coming up next, it's kind of hard to get psyched about, well, anything. Think about it like ordering pizza...you've got something hot & delicious on the way that you can be amped up about (hey, I like food, don't judge me lol).
   
   Also, remember back to when you were a kid...you could live off chicken nuggets & sugar and you felt awesome all day & ran around like crazy. Everything was exciting & fun to do because you were naturally bursting with energy. You slept as long as you needed & (hopefully) your parents made you go to bed at a reasonable hour. Moving forward to adulthood, you basically have to self-manage that stuff now. A lot of people don't & end up with low energy and feeling depressed all the time. And it's hard to manage, if you don't know what to do!
   
   
3. In the words of George Carlin, "ya gotta wanna". If you really want to improve your energy levels, you'll dig in & find a way to do it. Not that I know everything about motivation, but reading this post should point you in the right direction because it's something I've struggled with personally & have spent a lot of time & energy trying to nail down the why's & how's of unlocking the secrets of motivation & staying in a high-energy state. So at the most basic level, it boils down to desire. If you really want to do it, you'll find a way & stick with it, even when the changes are hard.
   
   
4. Food is right behind sleep. I'll share my favorite eating system - IIFYM. Basically it's the idea that your body is a machine that needs to burn a certain amount of calories each day, and to feel the best, you need a certain amount of protein, carbs, and fats throughout the day. That doesn't mean that you have to eat plain chicken & broccoli to be healthy, just that you need to keep an eye on your intake so that you're getting sufficient energy from food throughout the day. I also like to break my meals in half & eat smaller meals throughout the day to keep my energy up, i.e. half a sandwich at 10:30 & the other half at noon. Find what works for you, but whatever it is, make sure it provides you with good physical energy. Also, for me, I do better when I don't eat two or three hours before bed. I wake up feeling a LOT better if I don't eat right before I go to sleep. I also do a basic 24-hour food & water fast once a month to give my digestive system a break & is definitely something I'd recommend to help your energy levels.
   
   
5. Exercise is important, but maybe not for the reason you think. I'm not sure how to say this succinctly, but here it goes: a lot of how you feel has to do with food & digestion, and exercise helps the digestion process, which boosts your mood. And releases endorphins & all that. When you sit around & do nothing physically, the food isn't being pushed through your body like it should be from walking around or doing focused exercise & stuff like that, so it's easy to become lethargic. That's why people feel pumped & why exercise makes you feel good...not so much because you get endorphins, but because you're basically forcing your digestion system to work properly, which in turns improves your mood. That's the basic idea anyway.
   
   Think about when you stuff yourself at Thanksgiving & sit around all day...you feel totally lethargic. Being a couch potato is a great way to lower your energy levels. In most jobs these days, you sit at a desk all day & never get the chance to move around much. It's easy to fall into a haze of brain fog & be a loaf, which of course does nothing good for your energy levels
   
   
6. Stress management. It's easy to have your energy zapped when you have a lot of stress. The best way to deal with stress is to have a way to manage it. My favorite system is the Getting Things Done system by David Allen. Also available as a browser-readable Kindle eBook from Amazon:
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563
   
   I'll warn you that it is NOT an easy system to implement, but if you do, it basically lets you ensure that you never let anything slide again. Nothing rolling around the back of your mind. The basic concept is to capture 100% of your commitments & then use a workflow to figure out what to do next on each one. Although it doesn't specifically address it in the book, you can branch this action management strategy out to other areas like meal planning, finances, and so on. When you're not stressed out, you're typically much happier & have higher energy levels because you're not being mentally drained all the time.
   
   (1/2)

Okay here's the list. I spend some time on this. If you have any specific questions, let me know:)


***

On Composition:

Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks. I recommend you read and digest one of the tips per day and really think about applying them.

Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Amazon Link
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.

Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
Amazon Link
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.

Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Amazon Link
Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.


***

On Audio Engineering:

Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
Amazon Link
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.

Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Amazon Link
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.

The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.


***

On the Industry:

All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
Amazon Link
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.

Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Amazon Link
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.

Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
Amazon Link
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.


***

On Creativity:

The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
Amazon Link
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.

This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
Amazon Link
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.


***

On Personal Growth and Development:

How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Amazon Link
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Amazon Link
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Amazon Link
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.

The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
Amazon Link
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.


***


Phew. That was a lot of work. Hopefully you guys get some usefulness out of this list. This is put together after years of reading dozens upon dozens of books on these topics.


Enjoy!

Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.

To my former self:

If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around

• Stop drinking, this is the main cause.
  
  
• Lift weights. This alone could also stop depression. It's likely related to low testosterone levels
  
  
• Fapping too much makes the depression worse
  
  Fap less, and never to porn
  
  
• Ejaculating too often removed your motivation to take actions and start tasks. You can consider porn like a poison for the mind. Pleasurable but it desensitizes you to all other pleasures, making life seem bland and boring. Until the only thing you want is porn. It perpetuates itself.
  
  
  Gratitude
  
  
• Whatever you are grateful for will grow
  
  
• Gratitude is the only way to be happy. If you think about what happiness is, it's appreciating what you have. When you think of something that would make you happy, you are imagining yourself appreciating it when you get it.
  
  Wealth
  
  
• You can have anything you want, as long as you create enough value for others first.
  
  
• To be wealthy, don't try and do tomorrow's work today, just have a successful day each day. If you have more successful days than unsuccessful days, your wealth will grow. As you have successful and productive days, opportunities will be attracted to you.
  
  Theories
  
  
• The key to success in any area is having the right theory. A small amount of work, or a massive amount of work, with the wrong theory, won't lead to success.
  
  
• With the right theory, success will be relatively straight forward. When you do the thing, it will basically work every time. Anything that has been done many times before, can be done yourself with the correct theory
  
  
• When most people speak of the 'years of hard work' they put in before they 'cracked the game', usually means they were laboring under the wrong theory, and then one day they found the correct theory, and when they applied it, it worked. (excluding world class athletes, talking about common things like starting a business or growing muscles)
  
  
• Theories can be gathered by spending tens of thousands of dollars on seminars or tens of dollars on books. Both can contain theories that work and theories that don't work. Higher cost definitely does not mean they have the right theory
  
  
• Some theories can seem like they are guaranteed to work, but on testing, actually don't. When someone says they have the right theory, it will seem worth any price. Often they actually don't. Beware. If possible buy their book and test it for yourself, it's just as good in book form.
  
  
• This whole list is a list of theories, as you can see, they are usually quite simple and easy to understand. Complexity is usually a sign the person doesn't really know how things work
  
  
  Girls
  
  
• You cannot make a girl like you, you can however find a girl who likes you
  
  
• They key to getting girls is to get in excellent shape (lift weights), dress well, and talk to girls until you find one that likes you
  
  
• If a girl is unsure if she you likes you, won't go on a date with you, or doesn't let you touch her in anyway. She doesn't like you. Find one that wants all those things. Don't be fooled by girls who seem to REALLY like you but doesn't have time to meet, or won't let you touch her. They do not like you like that.
  
  
• Hot girls are just as likely to like you as not hot girls
  
  
• If you like a girl more than she likes you, and she doesn't want to meet up/hang out/have sex. Let her go and move on
  
  
  Career
  
  
• It's very easy to get ahead if you just try, most people don’t
  
  
• You career will naturally progress just through normal learning, don't worry about it
  
  
  Flow
  
  
• If you want things to happen without effort and struggle, live a life with gratitude and presence. Things will seem to happen easily and naturally.
  
  
  Meditation
  
  
• Mediation gives you the ability to be your best. Very handy for improving at anything, particularly gaming, as you see more and learn more. It gives you access to creativity in solving problems and improving your performance
  
  
• Mediation allows you to 'stop the mind'. Do this if you're stuck in over-analysis
  
  
• To meditate, set a time on your phone for 20 minutes, sit still and don't move a muscle, and focus on your breath as often as you can. Your mind will try to stray, just focus on your breath as much as able. This is how you quiet the mind
  
  *****
  Edit:
  
  To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
  
  Wealth/Metaphysics
  
  
• http://www.audible.com.au/pd/Health-Personal-Development/The-Science-of-Getting-Rich-Audiobook/B00FMUQVSI
  This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
  
  Lifting
  
  
• https://stronglifts.com/5x5/
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738
  
  
• http://startingstrength.com/
  
  
• http://www.leangains.com/2011/09/fuckarounditis.html
  
  How Procrastination works:
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
  
  How Business works
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Personal-MBA-Master-Art-Business/dp/1591845572
  
  What innovation actually is and how to do it:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Innovation-Entrepreneurship-Peter-F-Drucker/dp/0060851139
  
  How economics works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/How-Economy-Grows-Why-Crashes/dp/047052670X
  
  How to get things done:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
  
  Task Management tool:
  
  
• https://todoist.com/
  
  Spiritual Books
  
  
• Spiritual books won't make sense unless you've had an awakening, and you can't make this happen, it happens by chance/grace. If you have, anything by Eckhart Tolle will be amazing.
  
  How to be a man:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Blue-Truth-Spiritual-Guide-Death/dp/1591792592
  
  Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
  
  
• Audible.com
  
  Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Pitch-Anything-Innovative-Presenting-Persuading/dp/1501211811
  
  This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
  If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
  
  How the world works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Dynamics-Mastering-Values-Leadership/dp/1405133562
  
  
• https://www.audible.com.au/pd/Spiral-Dynamics-Integral-Audiobook/B00FO5660E
  
  

This ended up much longer than I intended. Apologies for the wall of text. I know that was one of the points but I felt compelled to respond to each point.

If this post was a mirror, I would see my own reflection. Many of your points hit home for myself.

Here are some of the ways I try to combat these. I'm not always as successful as I would like in applying these consistently but I have found them helpful.

1. This is a tough one. If it is a personal interest item don't worry about it too much. If you really have a passion for the subject, it will come back around. If it is professional or academic try to remind yourself why you need to do them. To get paid, to support your family, to get a good grade, and if you can tie some kind of reward to making it through that can work. I would recommend using the Pomodoro technique (25 minutes, 5 minute break, 25 minutes, 5 minute break, 25 minutes, 15 minute break) or a similar variant. There are a lot of different apps for this but I really like http://www.marinaratimer.com/ since you can customize to fit your needs. Also play music (Spotfiy has a focus play list with good low key background music), a pod cast, or audio book when working. It gives me something else to occupy my interest and helps keep me on track.
   
   
2. Hyper focus can be a gift and a curse all at the same time. I think of this as my focus is an anchor getting stuck on whatever subject and I am unable to move on until its run its course. If it is a beneficial hyper focus session like working on a project, I don't worry about it too much. If it is just a non-stop research mode then the best thing is to talk to someone like your SO or roommate about it. Tell them that you need help breaking away and have them check in on you and get you to walk away to do something else, anything else. Just pulling away for a trip to the gym or walk the dog can be enough for me to break the cycle for at least awhile. The pomodoro can help sometimes but not often when I'm in this type of hyper focus mode.
   
   
3. Break things into their smallest possible parts. For example you want to graduate. So you have to take classes. Those classes have tests, homework, etc... Those have pre-test, reading, discussions, etc... The next important part of it is tracking your progress. Use a to do list or even a project management type of solution. I currently use Wunderlist https://www.wunderlist.com/ as a to do. This is one area, I'm always trying new tools to try and find the right one. Each have their strengths and weaknesses. If you live in Mac / iOS then OmniFocus https://www.omnigroup.com/omnifocus. Todoist https://todoist.com is good. Also like Trello https://trello.com/.
   
   
4. See point 3, I see these as really the same thing.
   
   
5. I just bought a higher end field audio recorder because it was an awesome sale of 50% off and saved about a $150. It was something I was planning on getting later this year but had not really budgeted for it yet. For a budget check out YNAB, http://www.youneedabudget.com/. For the compulsive shopping, most of mine is online shopping. Amazon wish lists are your best friend. They allow me to do the shopping and save them for later. I then review the list later and many times remove items that was just an impulse. As for unused items, don't keep them stored away. Out of sight, out of mind and you will not use them. Also keep them organized. You could also make a deal with yourself that if you don't use it after a set amount of time, you will sell the item. Clearing out the clutter can be a really good feeling. Also can help raise some funds.
   
   
6. This is a tough one as well. Finding the right job is key and not always easy. I really enjoyed my previous job but was offered another with much better pay and focused on one subject area. My last had many different aspects to it. Your description is what my last year has been. Now I'm looking for something more like my previous role. My ADHD was almost an asset before and now it is more of a burden.
   
   
7. Look into a standing or adjustable desk if that is an option. Lots of DIY options and price points out there. Try the Pomodoro technique, use the breaks to walk away to get a snack or coffee.
   
   
8. I've done this before as well. My turning point and drivers are data about it. I track as much as I can and automate the collection of it as much as possible. Seeing the data and trends is what helps me make changes. For weight I have a Withing WiFi scale. For budget, again YNAB. Mint is a good option as well. Two of the better tips that I could give for cutting back on eating out: Prepare meals in advance and freeze / reheat to make it easy to eat at home; Setup regular meals with friends / family. You can trade off cooking for each other and get to have some quality time to build your relationships. My wife's family comes over once a week for dinner, and we go to my mother's house once a week as well. Trading off who hosts once in awhile. This also makes eating out more of a treat.
   
   
9. This is one my larger struggle areas. My family and close friends know this about me and have learned to notice to be able to redirect me. Trust is key and they know I don't mean any disrespect by it. For the interruptions, if on the phone try muting your phone. You will have to unmute before responding which will make you stop to think about what you are going to say. I do this for work all the time. In person is harder.
   
   
10. I would welcome tips for this as well. I'm very tall and have larger stride than most so the walking slow is very annoying. Deep breaths maybe? I don't know. This one gets me every time.
    
    
11. Found it on this subreddit, http://www.beelinereader.com/. Also reading out loud can help.
    
    
12. YNAB for budgeting infrequent bills and birthday / holiday gifts. Google calendar with reminders. I also have bills setup as recurring items in my to do list.
    
    
13. Get some sun, go outside. Call a friend to for a quick chat. Setup a to do list with your chores. Just getting some laundry, dishes, or cleaning up a bit can be those easily obtainable goals. Then at least you can something tangible to point to that is complete. I find that having a list of next action items, to do list is the best for me. I like David Allen's Getting Things Done method http://amzn.com/0142000280.

Think of your goals with minimalism. What does your ideal life look like once you’ve minimized? You want to focus on relationships and that’s a worthwhile and common reason, but I’d encourage you to get more specific, and also to consider the practical reasons as they pertain to your health and lifestyle.

To give you a personal example, I focused on three things: saving money and curbing the need to ‘buy, buy, buy’, being mobile and able to travel while taking the important things with me, and to stay organized.

I work weird hours and I need to move frequently for my job, I didn’t want the hassle of moving a bunch of stuff I didn’t really need - you know, the just in case things and the never been used things. Because I’m usually sleep deprived I get scatter brained, so not having a manageable amount of items means I can’t lose them. Instead of duplicates which I’d end up misplacing I just have one of (almost) everything, and if it’s not on me it’s in its ‘home’. No more frantically running around and leaving for work I’m the morning having already lost my patience because I couldn’t find my eye drops.

I have some free time so I’ll just write you a long story:

It’s taken me years, but the catalyst was that when I first moved out I lived with a roommate who wasn’t very clean and we developed a pest problem and lice - I know that lice are not caused by hygiene, but her disorganization and disregard meant she didn’t address the problem in an effective or timely manner. I moved out abruptly to a generous friend’s place. I had a large wardrobe I’d accumulated over adolescence and most of it was hang to dry/hand wash, I sanitized anything that was dryer friendly and I put the rest in garbage bags for 2 weeks. I retrieved a single hoodie 15 days later and guess what? I re-infested myself.

I have GAD so I was at my wit’s end, I put all of my clothes in the dryer and a lot of them shrunk or started falling apart. I’d been housesitting prior to my first official move so technically I’d moved three times over the course of 5 months. I couldn’t find any of my things, I never had time to unbox everything or put it away, and I realized that my copious amount of stuff was impeding my ability to enjoy or adjust to my new space. The possessions I hauled with me were actually preventing me from feeling at home!

So I began a long process of discarding old items, by giving them away or donating them whenever possible. I also lost weight, so my remaining clothes were no longer very functional. At first I bought a lot of new things but ended up donating them again pretty often, and I started asking myself these questions repeatedly: with the things I have now, how stressful would it be if I had to move again? Why am I continuing to bring new things into the house and why do I feel compelled to shop?

I realized that having lots of clothes that only served one purpose (formal, casual, winter) wasn’t compatible with my lifestyle. Because I travel so much, I need everything to be versatile and easily washed. I realized I was buying a lot of ‘aspirational’ items, things I was anticipating I would use or bought with the intention of changing my style in some way, but I didn’t have a clear direction.

When I purchase something now i think about whether I really need it or if I have something else that serves the purpose, that I’m forgetting about. I don’t ‘go shopping’, I buy items when I’ve clearly established a need for them, and I consider what I’ll wear it with, where I’ll wear it, how I need to care for it, and ultimately the room it takes up in a suitcase. I research before I buy. Every time I go to a store I know why I’m there before I enter. I might see a new version of something and think, “I’d like that, but it’s not urgent. The one I have right now is good enough, but if/when the time comes I’ll upgrade to this.” Because I choose my things carefully I’m always satisfied and don’t really feel temptation. Impulse buys never happen unless it’s a gift.

I’ve noticed I’ve become much more resourceful, this is a minor example but a few days ago I went to use a tote bag a friend had given me, and it’s got a clear window on one side that I wanted to cover. I took a scarf I had and tied it to both handles, and secured it with a hair clip so it’s covering the window. It sounds trivial but a solution like that probably wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I would just think ‘I’ll get another tote bag’. Now I can use my free one and it looks really cute.

Instead of trying to impress others I impress myself by solving problems effectively, when I decide not to buy something because I spot a pitfall I give myself an inner high five - I’ve totally changed the way I see my things and where I get my excitement from, but that mental change has taken almost three years. After the whole lice/weight loss fiasco I got to a point where I had less than a dozen items and almost all of them were from the men’s section of value village (I’m female). I’ve literally rebuilt from the ground up.

Financially I have found freedom because I own everything I need to own, I only need to spend money on things when I need to replace or mend something, so hardly ever. I’m able to live comfortably with very few items because I don’t need a large wardrobe right now, and if my work setting changes I have the money to invest in new pieces - no need to worry about ‘just in case’. Instead I can take time off of work and contribute to baby showers, I sent my mother and grandmother a gift for Mother’s Day as it’s the first time I’ve been out of my home province this time of year. I know those things aren’t unusual but I have a good fund to draw from to do so.

My goal when I finally started rebuilding my wardrobe and overall collection of life tools was to reach a point where I had everything I needed, as I stated above, and only needed to maintain. That’s what I tell people if it ever comes up and it’s the honest answer, it’s also easy to understand and relate to.

I still like to have nice things, but instead of something just being trendy, I have items that are useful, aesthetically appealing, and over time they gain a sentimental aspect that I rarely ever developed before - when you use things often and have them for over a year you get that ‘favorite sweater’ feeling, only there’s just one sweater so it’s your favorite by default 😉I think it is important to value the things you have, you just have to value them for what they give/do for you, not because you think other people will value them.

This lifestyle/way of thought has been great fir me and my stress level. Just knowing where everything is has been a weight lifted. Not only do i not lose my keys, I know where my clothes are - drawer, laundry, on my body. I just have my shit together.

Hopefully reading this will be helpful.

TL/DR; https://www.amazon.ca/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308

First thing's first man. Take a step back and chill.

Alright, we cool? We cool!

Don't knock your guitar. You're angry and frustrated with a slump right now, and since your guitar is all you've got you feel like you should have more. While more gear would be cool, I'm sure you have a connection with that guitar. Treat your instrument with respect and love! It sounds ridiculous, but I thank my instruments before I play them now; not everyone can have even that acoustic guitar, nevertheless the ability to pick it up and make good sounds with it.

Nothing to show for 6 years? I'll call bullshit on that. So what, you don't have a mind blowing EP, or recordings of your music you dream about everynight. So easy to look at what you don't have..Instead, start spending time at what you DO have. From this post, it sounds like you have a guitar that isn't broken, a space to play it, and a desire to become a better musician. If I'm correct, you've had these things for the past 6 years; and I'm willing to bet that you didn't sound nearly as good 6 years ago as you can sound today. What you have sir, is experience. You're still here, and you're still interested in becoming better. You're on the right path.

> I want to be a musician. I want to play open mics and shows. I want to make something. I want to feel confident in what I do. I want to know that i'm not wasting my time, but everything points to the fact that I am.

Alright, that doesn't sound unreasonable to me; nor should it to you. You've got everything you need to make this happen man..so...MAKE IT HAPPEN! ;) Put those extra hours into work, save that cash up for a nice DAW to record with. Find someone who can record you or hook you up with gear. Find someone to jam with that's better than you, befriend them. Wake up everyday and make damn sure you tell yourself that you ARE a musician, and that you WILL find the success you are searching for. Make the efforts to practice more, find the things you suck at and figure out WHY you do and HOW you can make them better. Thinking is one thing man, but I'm saying it's time to Physically make yourself do these things. But most important of all, make sure you are telling yourself that you CAN do it, everyday you wake up.

I took the time to type this out, because I'm in a similar position. For the few past years, I've felt that I "wasted" time and that I didn't have any skill or worth; that being a musician meant some glorious beam of light had to bestow upon me and grant me the power. Talent (to an extent) is overrated man! It's skill and practice (and creativity/talent, but we all posses that). I saw myself where you are claiming to be right now, but I started realizing how much potential I was sitting on top of. How much I had to be grateful for.

Here's two resources that have helped me into a journey of positive behavior and a cut-throat attitude with my goals.

Read This. Yes it costs money. Buy it, and read it. Find a way to download it. Just do yourself a solid, and read it somehow.

Listen to this guy talk. If you're practicing, doing homework, browsing, going to bed; Listen to this playlist on shuffle and take it all to heart. It might sound corny at first if you're in a depressive state. But give the guy a chance and I promise you'll learn something new about yourself.

That's all I got man. Know you aren't alone, and that you're everything you make yourself out to be. You can do it, but it won't be easy. So make it happen!

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for your note, and insights.

I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.

If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.

My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.

In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.

In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.

You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.

As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.

You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.

I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."

It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.

I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.

I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.

Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.

However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?

Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.

In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.

This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.

In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:

"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/

"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.

Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.

Ah yeah, you’re in a tough part of the melee journey. Serious enough to be invested in results, not good enough to get a ton of positive feedback. Good enough to identify weaknesses, but you don’t quite yet have a framework to solve these problems. Good enough to have others put expectations on you / talk about your play style but not quite good enough to refute haters or have your point of view heard. You’ve been playing long enough that you can see how far you’ve come but you also start to realize just how far you really are from the top.

It’s easy to get discouraged from here, especially with what seems like a decently large skillgap between you and the next guy up and what seems to be a fairly toxic community wherever you are. At your skill level it seems like you can grind out tech skill and still see a million errors in your play. You can improve a bunch and not really see progress in how far you place in bracket. Even if you do really want to put in the effort to improve it doesn’t seem clear where exactly you should focus these efforts.

My advice is to start to really appreciate the journey every step of the way. Yes, this is a tough part of it, but learning to overcome this spot you’re at both skill wise and what you have to admit has become a bit of a mental barrier will provide tremendous benefit to you. Learn to focus your effort to be more productive, to see benefit in your training in ways other than counting how many times you SD in a match. Hard work pays off. Not always in the most obvious ways, but trust me when I say that if it feels like you aren’t benefiting from practice you need to either re-evaluate how you practice or re-evaluate how you measure progress. Enjoy the process of practice, finding things to work on, improving those things and repeating the process. Enjoy the journey of self improvement that this provides you.

I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about in terms of “learning the game backwards,” I’ve personally always been a proponent of focusing on tech skill first before neutral game but at the end of the day there is no roadmap to getting good and there is no easy way to reach the next step. The only universal truth is that you get out of it what you put into it.

And don’t worry about people calling you lame. “Playstyle” is something people obsess a lot that isn’t a very useful thing to think about when gauging your improvement. When I was quite a bit worse than I am I was called campy, reliant on lasers, I used to be called the backwards facing Falco cause I “only use Bair / Utilt.” People like to assume that your playstyle in a certain way because that’s how you intend for it to be but in reality these are all just steps on your way to having a more robust style. There are a LOT of things to learn about this game and if you’re getting pretty good at a certain style that they like to call lame then feel free to take pride that you’ve got understanding in one part of the game but remain humble in that you know there are many other parts of the game to learn. Not because they’re “less lame” but because you need to expand your knowledge base to improve. Next time you get called lame just say "that's ok I'm just trying to get better." Honestly style is overrated at low levels cause realistically nothing is cool at low levels, just get good then you can shut em up later.

Lastly I can’t overstate how helpful these two books are relating to this type of stuff. If you’re dedicated to sticking to it and seeing how far you can go / what you can get out of melee then I highly suggest you read both of them!

Good luck dude.

Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey

Online pdf:

http://www.tinapse.ro/home/coltul-indrumatorului-coach/resurse-materiale-instrumente/W.%20Timothy%20Gallwey%20-%20The%20Inner%20Game%20Of%20Tennis.pdf

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-Performance-ebook/dp/B003T0G9E4

Art of Learning by Joshua Waitzkin

Online pdf:

http://www.nordiccentre.org/downloads/The_art_of_learning_waitzkin__josh.pdf

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Learning-Journey-Performance/dp/0743277465

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

Hello dear friend and welcome to the club! Hopefully this reply will help you out.


First, and solely based on what you've asked, you're not ready.

But that doesn't mean you can't be ready sooner than later. I am assuming that by freelance you desire to make a full-time income, grow you income over time, and possibly even leave a legacy for loved ones. My answers reflect that assumption and are not geared towards somebody interested in freelancing as a side-gig or just for some extra cash.

1. How do I know I am ready?

I'm not going to say "you'll just know." Anybody who made the full-time jump into freelancing as their main source of income never felt ready. Frankly, it's pretty scary to think about getting off your employers teet and being responsible for your own income. At a conference table a multi-millionaire business owner once said that regardless of his time owning his business, the processes in place, the great employees, and his confidence, sometimes the scary thought would still enter his mind that it could all just come crashing down. Being responsible for yourself, your own income, your quality of life and possibly of others is no small task. It takes guts, confidence, patience, and thoughtfullness. You can do it if you believe in yourself though.

Here's some advice...

Being ready has nothing to do with your skillset in design, development, writing or whatever craft you're involved in. Absolutely zero. Calvin Coolidge said "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."

Here's a few reason why your skillset is not a significant factor in your preparedness to freelance:

a) Our industry changes faster than we can learn. By the time you start feeling confident in a specific skill, you've already got 10 other things on your radar that you would like to learn. It never stops. You just accept it and choose which skills are the most important to focus on. Anywhere you decide to draw a line in the sand and say "that's what I need to do to be ready" is just arbitrary. You made it up and there is no logic or metric to base it on. It is actually an avoidance technique. It reflects a lack of confidence. You will soon find out though that this too is just in your head. Every single job in freelancing is a new challenge. You don't need confidence in your ability - you need confidence in yourself.

b) Success in freelancing or running an agency boils down to people skills. Communication, soft skills, time management, and networking are the factors that determine your success as a freelancer. There are freelancers with skillsets that haven't been updated in a decade who are very successful because of people skills. There are also extremely talented people on the cutting edge of their skillsets but lack people skills and therefore never become successful freelancers. Some people can sell water to a whale while others could't sell water to a millionaire dying of dehydration in a desert.

If there is a catalyst for feeling prepared to jump into the world of freelancing, it's improving your people skills. This should be practiced as much, if not more, than learning your tools.

Here are some resources to get you going and I'll keep it short because actually using these resources is more important than just collecting them:

Books:
How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie and
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Steven Covey
These two books cover what makes people trust and how you can change the lens through which you see life plus much, much more.
The Game of Numbers: Professional Prospecting for Financial Advisors - Nick Murray The title says financial advisors but the content applies to anybody who is prospecting for clients. Nick Murray is very candid and direct. There is zero sugar coating and he will instill confidence in you to get past rejection and to embrace what prospecting really is - a game of numbers. Murray also covers avoidance techniques - like thinking that just one more javascript course is what you need to feel confident to start prospecting.

Team Treehouse (I am not affiliated in any way):
These courses provide some of the highest value I've ever received for each dollar spent. The section you should look at is the "Business" section. Don't get sidetracked by all the other "skillset/tools" content just yet. In the business section, take the courses on "Soft Skills," "How to Freelance, "How to Run a Web Design Business," and "How to Market Your Business." These courses will provide enough information for you to assimilate the big picture of what freelancing is and will help instill confidence in you.

That's it for the resources. It's not much and if you dedicate some time and focus on these resources you will know where to go to continue building your people and business skills. Once you are engaged and truly understand that this business is about people, you will have the confidence to carve out a path towards full-time freelancing.

2. When you submit a project to a client what files do you give them?

There is absolutely no hard and fast rule to answer this question. This is between you and the client and will often be handled on a case by case basis.

It is common for contracts to stipulate that the client owns the rights to everything you have created but they do not own the unique design you created. To wit, they cannot turn around and sell your design to other people. But again, this is not a hard and fast rule.

Here's what is more important regarding your question - WHEN do you give the client whatever files you agreed to give them? The answer: After the final payment. It doesn't matter what the contract says, who said what, how much has been paid, if the client is your own mother or if you have a check in your hand already - you do not give the client the final product until there is money in your bank account or hard cash in your hand. This is a simple concept observed and accepted in almost all other businesses but people get screwed all the time in freelancing. Even a drive-thru worker holds the food until they have your cash. There is not logical reason for doing it any other way. Any client who is proposing otherwise is not a professional business-person.

3. Can I start freelancing as a front-end developer without knowing backend? (I have recently started learning Rails)

This is very similar to number one in that it doesn't matter. If you don't know the backend, then you say you're a front-end designer. If you also know the back-end then you do both. If you can write a sentence you can call yourself a copywriter. If you can build a site in Wix or Weebly you can call yourself a developer. If you can draw a box in MS Paint you can call yourself a designer. There is no line in the sand that you cross over to be an "official" freelancer, developer, designer, or copywriter. Anybody telling you otherwise is mean, ignorant, not a professional business-person or some combination thereof.

From Wikipedia, "A freelancer, freelance worker, or freelance is a person who is self-employed and is not committed to a particular employer long-term." If you're not committed to a particular employer long-term and you make money through short-term contracts scooping up dog poop at corporate campuses, guess what? You're a freelancer.

What matters for obtaining clients is that you can sell yourself. What matters for keeping clients is doing a good job.

4. Should I freelance under my real name? Or incorporate?

Your business name is a matter of personal preference. The only question to ask yourself is "if I grow a lot and hire employees, do I want the business to still be my own name?" It's your call whether you'd want employees working for Joe Smith LLC or whatever it might be. But keep in mind that it can be a real pain and very costly to change business names several years down the road.

What's important here is regardless of name, what business entity are you set up as? You can read about those by Googling "business entity." Sole proprietor, LLC, C-Corp etc. There are no hard and fast rules. The implications of your choice affect how taxes are paid, what happens in a lawsuit, etc.

If you aren't comfortable digesting that sort of information then a couple hundred bucks spent on an attorney is in order. Depending on which entity you choose, you might be able to fill out and submit the registration paperwork yourself.

I recommend reading the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I identify strongly with what you said and I am not exaggerating when I say that book has changed my life. I've gone to therapy, I've reached out to friends, found resources online but nothing quite put a finger on what I was feeling and how it affected my life like the contents of book did. You're right in recognizing that fashion cannot compensate for deeper insecurities. The fact is, whether we try to build confidence through fashion, cultivation a certain personality, taking up a new hobby, we're screwed from the start if we have low-self esteem no matter what we chase.

​

I think the key is building a healthy relationship with fashion. Take the parts of it that make you feel good or at least comfortable in your skin. It's an art that takes time to become skilled at but is rewarding once you're able to express yourself through it. I don't see working on your fashion sense and working on your self-confidence as mutually exclusive - I am doing exactly that right now.

​

I'll leave you with some quotes from the book that helped me. I can't recommend it enough - I've been listening to it on audiobook and I'm on my second time around.

​

"[If we search for validation in our accomplishments...] We will be crippled in our ability to find joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will ever feel like enough. if my aim is to prove that I am enough, the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable. "

​

"Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves."

​

"Self-esteem is an intimate experience. It resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think and feel about myself. The simple fact can hardly be over emphasized. The most effective means of liberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to ones own experience. The more one turns up the volume on one’s inner signals, the more ones external signals tend to recede into proper balance. "

​

"Self-esteem expresses itself in a face, manner, a way of talking and moving that projects the pleasure one takes in being alive. It expresses itself in an ease of talking of accomplishments and shortcomings with directness and honesty, since one is in a friendly relationship to facts. It expresses itself in the comfort one feels in giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affection, appreciation, and the like. It expresses itself in an openness to criticism and a comfort about acknowledging mistakes - because ones self-esteem is not tied to the image of being perfect. It expresses itself when one’s words and movements tend to have a quality of ease and spontaneity, reflecting the fact that one is not at war with oneself. It expresses itself in the harmony between what one says and does and the way one looks, sounds, and moves. It expresses itself in an openness to and a curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life. It expresses itself in the fact that feelings of anxiety and insecurity, if they appear, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm, since accepting them, managing them, and rising above them, rarely feels impossibly difficult. It expresses itself in one’s ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s flexibility in responding to situations and challenges, since one trusts oneself‘s mind and does not see life as doom and defeat. It expresses itself in one’s comfort with assertive behavior in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s ability to achieve harmony and dignity under conditions of stress."

People are afraid because it's very scary. (Although people who first hear of it are probably scared because it's a new and weird idea.)

I'm not going to give the entire explanation again, but in this (recent) post, I outlined some of the dangers in self-improving artificial intelligence.

> I really cannot see any good reasoning behind fearing it!

Don't feel obligated to do it, but try and actually think about it for five minutes. There are plenty of good reasons to fear an intelligence explosion and you should be able to come up with them.

> Singularity is pretty much AI getting smarter than humans and taking over the world if u did not know

The Machine Intelligence Research Institute (which are pretty much the only people working on Friendly AI, as far as I know) are trying to introduce the phrase "intelligence explosion" for this particular singularity scenario. Others include nano-tech or computer-brain interfaces. Being conquered by aliens could also be seen as a singularity event.

> We are creating better "Humans". Sure robots are not humans, but they would be created by us and be our legacy as a race.

If you could choose between "humans uploaded into robot bodies" and "all humans are dead, but robots live on," what would be the best choice?

Robots aren't humans. Having a legacy means nothing to humans if they are all dead.

> we could never last!

We would never last in our current form. Human beings aren't (technically) limited to our frail bodies. Transhumanists want stronger, faster and smarter (and weirder) bodies for humans. There's no need to replace the human race with robots if you can just improve the robots.

> That is, even if it ever happens. So u probably do not have to worry about being killed by robots.

The earliest time-frame for an intelligence explosion is around 2040. This is unlikely and AGI is always predicted to be 30 to 40 years away. There is a fair chance longevity happens before AGI, which increases the chances that people reading this will live that long.

Plus, people can be worried about their descendants or just the future of the human race. I'm worried about extinction events because I care about the future of the human race, not just about myself.

> If there are mistakes srry... I am only 15.

One tip if you want to be more convincing: Work on your spelling. I didn't mind all that much, but it's something (relatively) easy to work on. If you want to be more convincing in general, try picking up a copy of [Influence, Science and Practice(http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Science-Practice-5th-Edition/dp/0205609996). This also doubles as a decent introduction to social psychology and human biases, which is always good to know.

And I'm also going to give you some more tips that aren't related to what you posted (I wish someone told me this when I was your age):

• Try giving Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality a read. Giving your interest in things like AI, you might enjoy it and it could improve your life in the long run. (Just read the first ten chapters, if you don't like it after that it probably isn't for you.)
  
• If you want to get a good knowledge base for thinking about things like this, the Sequences on Less Wrong are a good start. (A lot of it would have gone over my head when I was your age, but I would have understood a lot of important bits from it.)
  
• You're at an age where you can still try a lot of things at relatively low cost. Now is the time to figure out your talents, so be sure to do lots of things so you can discover your talents.
  
• And the most important thing someone could have told me when I was 15: Being intelligent is not enough. School won't teach you what you want or need to know. Seek out important knowledge for yourself and teach yourself how to learn things.
  
  If you have any questions (on the subject of this thread or otherwise), feel free to let me know.

I meant what's the point of saying what you did but I'll run with the conversation for a minute and elaborate. This may be much longer than I intended and I'm going to go do something soon so bear with my rushed thoughts. I'll give you some advice. It's possibly contradictory to a lot of the advice you'll read various places, and it might not make sense but roll with it for a minute. It's also possible I won't talk about Overwatch specifically at all.


Honestly, Gold is no better. You're just putting it on a pedestal in some sort of "grass is greener on the other side" thing. You're going to get there and be like, "these guys kind of aim better but they have to be even bigger idiots". Then you're going to want Platinum where people might be fun and more cooperative; once you get there, you're going to realize that it's still awful.


Let me take a step backwards and leave Overwatch for a minute. This book kind of talks about it, but when you're trying to learn a game or sport that is played in a competitive atmosphere, it is absolutely impossible to stress how important the fundamentals are. Fundamentals absolutely, by far, the most critical thing to work on and improve upon. Gimmicks will only take you so far and ultimately will stunt your growth.


This is apparent in Chess. There are hundreds of openings to learn, various tricks, traps, and other gimmicks. The Soviet Union absolutely dominated the international Chess scene for decades. Their school of Chess or approach was heavily focused on learning endgames. If you can't play properly with just four or five pieces, what can you do? Fundamentals are that important.


In StarCraft 1, Koreans dominated the game, way more heavily than they seem to in Overwatch, way more heavily than they do in League of Legends, and way more heavily than in StarCraft 2. How did they do it? They don't rely on rush strategies, tricks, or other gimmicks. They're absolutely fundamentally, mechanically strong. They just win against worse players because they're better. The details are an afterthought. Fundamentals are that important.


I see you post in Basketball subreddits. When NBA teams, the greatest Basketball players in the world practice, they're not playing real games. They're mostly doing drills and working on fundamentals, exercises, drills and very likely reviewing how other teams played recent games. Fundamentals are that important.


If you're trying to lose weight, it's actually really simple. Consume less calories than you burn. If you're at a caloric deficit, over time, you will lose weight. Don't look for trick diets, gimmicks that will allow you to still eat like a pig, etc. 70% of weightloss takes place in the kitchen. Fundamentals are that important.


Now, actually cutting back to Overwatch for a moment:

Why on Earth would it be any different? It isn't. Play better and you'll climb. Play worse and you'll fall. It's that simple. Yes, there are gimmicks, there are tricks. Find people to coordinate with and queue together. Avoid certain hours of the day when players are better on average (More applicable at higher SRs). For a few days, maybe a hundred games, you'll climb. Then you'll get stuck. You'll come back to reddit and you'll look for the next gimmick. Don't do that.



What to do instead:


The first thing you need to do is stop worrying about SR. Your SR absolutely does not mean anything. Nobody cares if you're 1500, 1750, 2000 or even 3000. It really doesn't matter. SR is a currency you spend to play against better players, and also a currency worse players spend to play against you. You know how sometimes you put money in a vending machine and the snack gets stuck? That's getting a leaver or someone throwing on your team. Shit happens. Don't let it ruin your day.


The next thing you need to do is stop giving a shit about your teammates. Don't worry about them. Climbing a ladder is never about individual games but rather consistency against a field of players across numerous games. The only thing consistent for you across numerous games is you. That's all you need to worry about. Anything else is a distraction.


The third thing you need to do is break Overwatch down to its fundamentals. Examples would be things like aim, ult usage, situational awareness, positioning, ult tracking. The heroes you play do not matter. The team comps you play them in do not matter. Work on those. People you're playing with and against have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. You have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. Work on those. As you start to get better at them, you'll climb.


You know the saying practice makes perfect? Absolutely 100% not true. Perfect practice makes perfect. There's something called deliberate practice and it's the fastest way to get better. Focus on one or two things at a time and just worry about practicing those. Get better at that and move on to something else. That's kind of where a lot of these tips and advice tidbits come from. Pick a small set of heroes, work on the fundamental skills such as aim and positioning, and you'll get better.




In summary (here's some very specific overwatch advice):


Pick three "simple" heroes. Do not play Hanzo/Windowmaker because they're complicated and somewhat different from the other characters. Do not play Tracer or Genji, they're mechanically challenging and and honestly, you simply can't play them well. Sombra is an edge case but I'd say don't play her. Don't play these five characters, ever.


Tanks: Pick one or two of Reinhardt, Winston Orisa(?). D.Va would be also fine.


DPS: Pick one or two of Soldier, McCree, Reaper.

Healers: Pick one or two of Mercy, Zenyatta, if you're really special, pick Ana. I'm completely unfamiliar with Moira, I can't comment on her.


You now have 3-6 heroes that are fairly "simple". Start playing them and focus on the fundamentals. Focus on the basics of Overwatch. Don't be toxic in chat. When you're higher SR you can start considering things like team comps etc and start working on more complicated heroes. The Windowmakers, the Tracers, the Junkrats etc.


I can almost guarantee you'll both be far more consistent and quite possibly pushing diamond by the end of this season or next season, depending on how much you're able to play. No tricky gimmicks, no fad diets, no shortcuts. Just strong fundamentals and you'll improve faster and peak higher than almost anyone else you come across in your competitive games.

Hope that helps.

I am lending you my strength, support and assurance! You're going to get through this, you're going to quit smoking, and you'll come out grinning ear to ear. I should know, I've been where you are...

I'm a former smoker and life-long denture wearer. I was born with a congenital tooth formation disorder (dentata imperfect) and my teeth never grew in white and beautiful. Instead I was "blessed" with teeth that were stubby, brown and flaking. I wore dentures over busted teeth from age 5. At age 24ish, I finally had all my teeth pulled. Let me tell you why it was great.... but before that:

How did I quit smoking? I'll tell you exactly. But first, let me tell you that it took me years and many many tries at quitting smoking to find my way to quit. What worked for me may not work for you, or for others. But what always works is keep on trying to quit smoking using new methods until you find the one that works for you.

After trying cold turkey (many times), laying bets, the patch, online support groups etc., I finally found freedom and withdrawal-free peace with Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking.

Withdrawal free, no shit. Probably why it worked for me. So try it, it really is easy. And whether or not Carr's book works for you, keep trying to quit smoking and never give up until you find what works for you. You too will find it, and it will literally be the best thing you've done yet.

And about the dentures? You're going to love 'em. Once you no longer have to hide your busted old-teeth, once you can laugh and smile and flirt freely with perfect teeth you're confidence and social success is going to soar. You know how many people wish they could have perfect teeth? And lucky you get to have them.

Be brave, be strong, keep trying until you quit for good. You're going to come out smiling and confident with your best life yet ahead of you. Sending you virtual hugs!

Bootstrapped 10 years ago, kept the team tiny until just about 3 years ago. So I know the feeling!

You don't need to do it all. You need to do enough.

You're already on to a good first step: you've got a list of the 'buckets' you're spending your time in. Researching gigs, prospecting leads, emailing with clients, website redesign, social media. Plus, you know, the actual work. (For you: videography; for me: software engineering and operations.)

One sanity check is to accept that you're not going to get everything done. This is not the same as giving up, or lowing the bar, or accepting less for yourself or your business. It's a legitimate forcing function that will help you get organized and working on the right things.

If you can't do it all, then what do you do? How do you decide on what it is the most important?

Start with your buckets. There may be an inherent order of priority to them. I might suggest you start with billing and accounting for work that's been done. You don't want to neglect that, otherwise you just invalidate your hard work. Then there's the actual doing of billable work, which everything else is meant to support. Last, the supporting activities, like marketing.

You have a fixed amount of time in the day. Give each of these buckets a fixed amount of time, and a position on your schedule, relative to their priority. You could spend the first hour sending invoices, receiving payments, doing general bookkeeping and planning. Then your project management, reviewing emails with clients, prioritizing tasks for the day. The rest of the morning, dive in to your billable work. If you don't have billable work at the moment, build a hobby project that you can use for marketing.

After lunch, spend an hour on promotion, then back into a couple hours of work. Closing out the day, another block of communication with clients, then research opportunities and prospect for leads, along with whatever other habit might help you unplug and unwind so you can get some rest and recovery.

So time management is important. You don't have to plan out your day in five-minute increments, but it's good to have some rhythms and rituals. The important part is that you apply some thought to the kinds of tasks you're doing, where they're coming from, and the relative value of those types of tasks and the tasks themselves. You can't control the volume of supporting tasks, so focus on controlling your blocks of time. Limit the unlimited, apply whatever sorting criteria you can, and focus on finishing what you start.

You may not be able to do it all, and you don't need to do it all in order to be successful. You need to do good valuable work for your clients, and enough supporting work to get paid for it, to keep more work coming, and to keep improving the business itself.

I'll wrap up with maybe slightly more prescriptive pieces of advice.

If you don't already have one, you definitely want a bookkeeper and an accountant. Clean books from day one is super valuable. You don't want tax season to be a major time sink. There are plenty of solo or small CPA shops in your area that work with small businesses on a retainer basis. I'd rather spend $500/mo on a bookkeeper+CPA combo than a virtual assistant.

Outsource to software tools as much as possible. This Twitter thread is probably overkill for what you need at your scale. But you may get some good ideas. Software scales really well, you can get a lot done with a $50/mo or (eventually) a $500/mo tool.

If you choose not to use software, and scale with people, make sure that everything is written down and inspected! You should be able to take someone's notes on how they're doing a task, and replicate it yourself. If I was doing one thing differently, this is something I'd do more of. Do a task the first time, document it the second, and by the 10th or 20th time you can think about delegating or designing a system.

Get really good at email. Gmail has a bunch of great tools, get to know them. Commit to inbox zero every day; multiple times a day. Snooze liberally. If it's in the inbox, it's an action item you're working on right now. If it's not actionable, get rid of it. You can skim quickly, but remember, you can't do it all.

If your email back and forth consists of scheduling calls or meetings, stop now and check out Calendly. You need it, or something like it, to take the guesswork out of scheduling.

Your personal productivity is important. Getting Things Done is worth studying, if you haven't already. Check out GTD in 15 minutes for an overview of the book's content.

And last but not least, remember to take time for yourself! You need time away from work to rest and recharge and be a person. That's the wellspring of your creativity and drive to be an entrepreneur and a creator. Nurture it. And have fun!

Procrastination to me has been a combination of two problems.

First is motivation. You need to be healthy (physically and mentally). Make sure you are not depressed. Eat healthy things, get enough sleep, and wake up at a reasonable hour. Also, check do you really like TV? I hate television generally because (1) commercials, (2) most shows are not on my schedule and (3) my couch is comfy and I spend more time than I wan to there. If you spend a lot of evenings watching TV and regretting it, put away your TV. I use Netflix for watching stuff, and don't miss TV at all really.

The second factor is having an organized system to take your goals/wants/desires and turn them into a list of things for you to do. Read this book and implement the ideas you see fit. I'm rather scatterbrained so I needed a good system to organize my life and spoonfeed me tasks to do, and I found it here. TL;DR below, but you should still read the book for extra tips/ideas.

The best things I've learned are:

• You need one place where you maintain your todo list. Don't have notes on paper and an online list. You won't trust your system and you will stop using it. I use a physical ring-bound notebook (can give refs if you want). You can get a Moleskine but you probably won't use it because it was too expensive and it looks pretty.
  
• Get an inbox set up. A physical inbox, that is. New mail? Goes into the inbox. Took notes from a phone call? Inbox. The latest Netflix DVD you want to watch. Inbox as well.
  
  
• Process the inbox as often as you can. The best item to have in there is garbage-- you just get rid of it. This includes todo items that are too old or that you have re-evaluated as unimportant. This may include long-standing hobbies/projects of yours that you were not doing anyway. Don't feel guilt; just reassess and move on. The next thing to look for is reference material. These are bits and pieces you want to hold on to but have no action associated with them. Notes you took on a project, datasheets, research papers, etc. These go into your filing system (more on this later). Finally, are the actionable items. These are things that need something to happen. Go through them and decide will it take 5 minutes or less. (This time will take calibration. It took a rather ADHD person like myself some time to realize how long some things took as well as how easy other things were.) More than 5 minutes? Put it on your todo list and keep it in the inbox. Less than 5 minutes? Do it immediately! I swear your motivation goes as the inverse of the square of the number of todo items. Knocking these unimportant quick tasks out of the way frees more of your mind and builds momentum.
  
  
• Set up a filing system. You need to have a safe place to store papers, and even if you have one now, it's probably not optimal. Don't think about this, just do it: buy a (minimum) 2 door file cabinet, plenty of manilla folders, and a labeler. But what if I have nice handwriting?, you say? Get a labeler anyway! Seriously psychological magic there. A pretty, professional label will make you take the filing system seriously, you'll feel happy to open your filing cabinet, and it will make you enjoy filing. It sounds dumb but it works. Plus you look super professional bringing in clearly labeled manilla folders to work. And if anything needs filing-- do it immediately!
  
  
• Use your email to your advantage. I use Gmail, as does 95% of everyone these days. You can set it up to present multiple inboxes, which really just displays different folders you have selected. I use the following folders: INBOX, HOLD, ATTEND, TODO, TRAVEL. The first is the normal inbox, Hold has reference emails I am waiting for a response for or are short term reference (A bit sloppy-- I need to fix this aspect), Attend are emails about meetings, parties, conferences, etc. Todo are emails awaiting a response and Travel are flight confirmations, hotel bookings, etc. Adapt this to your own life, but this is what works for me! When you check your email, use the same rule as your inbox. Delete garbage. Do things < 5 min. Add things >5 min to your todo list. I like to handle as many todo items as possible (these are usually just lengthier emails), but any other type of action should go to your todo list (I keep a physical one as my main one). Same with the Attend-- add this to your one and only calendar (Google Calendar synced with my phone and computer).
  
  
• Finally, use the system! When you get up, scan the to-do list. Check your inbox and email. Anything urgent? Deal with it. Then go on to the first important project you want to work on and start working on the first item you can do. The GTD book is much better at outlining how to break down a large project into action items, and how to define them in such a way that a clear, physical action is obvious. ('report' is bad, 'brainstorm topics for report' is good). Defining clear items to do is probably the deepest topic of the book, and I refer you to there.
  
  BONUS ADVANCED TOPIC This sounds like a really goofy idea but it has come in very useful before for me, and it's extremely useful if you oversee many long-term projects. Get 43 folders. Label one for each month and one for the numbers 1-31. This will be a bit hard to explain, but I will try. Set up the folders so the numbers are in ascending order in front of the months in ascending order. Take the numbered folders up to and including the current date and move them to the back. Now take the folders from next month up to December and move them to the back. Now, why would I do this silly thing? Because it's a super way to be chronologically organized! Everyday, take out the contents of the front day folder and move it to the back. You are now holding in your hands things you wanted you to see in the past on this very day! When you hit a new month, take out its contents and move it to the back. Sort the contents day by day for the next month.
  
  When is this useful? Your W2s come in? Stick them in the month you want to do your taxes (February for me usually.) Got tickets to a concert? Put them in on the day you're going. Going on a trip and you want to save maps of the area you printed off? Ditto. Get an idea for a project you want to do outside when it gets warm? Write it on a piece of paper and stick it in June.
  
  Extra things to check out: Whiteboards are great. So is a program called Notational Velocity, if you have a mac. Also, read this site
  
  TL;DR: Kill lame things you dislike in your life. Set up a system for accomplishing stuff. Whenever you think, Gee, it'd be nice to blah, write blah on your list. Then get to it with the extra time you create/ set aside for yourself. Your to-do list is more than just chores and groceries, it's a list of fun projects, vacations, and goals you want to accomplish.
  
  Edits: fixed my formatting

The hell? psychology is a subject that is dominated by women, at least in terms of university education. It's actually more accurate to say men don't give a crap about psychology. It's completely ridiculous to say that people don't give a crap about something because, if that were true, why is the information so freely available? why do people teach this stuff. Not only must the teachers like teaching it but there must be a demand for it or no-one would pay them to teach it. The only reason you think people don't give a crap is because you don't hang around people that give a crap about them things.

You need to start getting out and finding places where people that share your interests meet. If you're at college, go join a group for the subject. Talk to more people and find out their interests, try and find more people that share your interests by sheer numbers.

But also when talking to people, take an interest in what their interests are. Keep an open mind and don't be afraid to explore something new. You don't even have to have the same interests as someone to be friends with them. You don't even need to have many of the same interests to be married to them. Simply having respect for their interests and being open to learn new things is enough. If you enjoy the conversation, the subject simply doesn't matter.

I'm gonna recommend you read a book, This book pretty much changed my life over the last yer or so and I think will help you immensely.

It is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People you'll probably find it in a library if you don't want to buy it, but I'd recommend getting it. If you get an earlier edition it'll be really cheap and there isn't much difference between em. READ THIS if you read nothing else in your entire life. You may think "but how can a book help me?" but that begs the question how can a random internet forum help you? I think it will help you in more ways than you can imagine. It basically explains everything I want to say to you in a much more structured and easily understandable way.

Have you considered professional help? there are people who make their living helping people through stupid shit like this. If you're at college in america, I remember reading something about students having access to a certain number of free therapy sessions. It may vary by university but it's definitely worth a look into.

I have to get to sleep now, but if you want to keep hold of my username I'm happy to talk and try and help you if you'd like. I know what it's like to feel totally lost in a world you don't quite understand.

First of all - he should be figuring out these things by himself. You're not his therapist.

But it won't hurt if you understand how it all works, and have some tricks in your sleeve.

As for using the phone when takking to you - are you sure he's not listening? I used to date a girl with adhd, she was on the phone all the time, but we managed to have meaningful ocnversations in the meantime. But perhaps it was because of my adhd - the same style of chaotic conversations...

With my past non adhd gf - on some subjects - like her work - I just simply couldn't focus however much I tried. I was gone in 30s top. We acknowledged that, made fun out of it, and discussed other things :)
On the other way, if we sound a subject that was interesting for me, I was praised for being super insightful - by most of my partners.

If you need/want his attention on something less than exciting, I think you need to raise his dopamine levels

• I recently fed my mom coffee when I wanted her to focus :)
  
• Big meals - full stomach ='insuline => dopamine :) talk to him after a bigger meal
  
• I began using nicotine gums which have an effect similar tommeds, but lasting shorter
  
• Rhytmic music / drums, techno in the background helps some people, I don't know why. There is evem some research on this afaik
  
• Any sort of movement - a talk during walking will be easier
  
• Trying to keep with his pace - the faster you speak, the more gesturea you make, the easier it is to grab his attention.
  
• Aderral also, perhaps he can take a small booster in the afternoon when a situation requires it.
  
  As for the housework... uh, that's difficult. We're not good with details. I spent a lot of time practicing the house duties, but however much I try I just cannot keep certain standards. There are some good books on learning housework though - this one was an amazing read: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308 . Helped me a lot.
  Also, optimizing some things in the cleaning process. I absolutely despised vacuuming until I bought a wireless dyson. No messing with cables, I just grab it and clean the house.
  
  Perhaps there are other things he can do that could make up for the lack of attention into the housework? E.g. my gf did a bit more of housework, but I prepared saturday morning breakfasts for her, and did other things.
  Or there are some kinds of housework that he's better than the others? I'm absolutely shitty when it comes to keeping stuff organised and in its place, but taking out trash, washing dishes etc - no problem with that!
  
  As for the spontanaiety - we split up after 8 years. We worked out everything else, but me not being to invite friends ad hoc was something I couldn't live without.
  
  Having said that.. many adhdrs have problems falling asleep. Perhaps he's inviting friends over when he feels his mind is still racing and he cannot unwind? (He may not even realize it's that)
  Adhdrs sleeping problems are due to low dopamine, so regular remedies like camomile or simply turning off the distractors doesn't help that much. When I'm low on dopamine, I will just lie in bed and my thoughts will be racing literally for hours.
  
  Solutions to this, aside from the ones mentioned before... Meditaion, relaxation, sport in the evening. Also, if you guys are into massages, that works brilliantly. You could tell him he can invite friends but first you'll give him a massage (and he'll massage you in return). A high chance he'll unwind enough and tell you he's fine. No promises though :)
  
  
  Of course I'm not saying that you should tolerate all his quirks, and absolve him of the housework. It's more about figuring out which part is easier for whom. And keeping in mind that some of his faults come with some of his awesome parts - he could be on meds 24/7 - you wouldn't have the problems you mentioned at all, but then many things you love about him would disappear as well...
  
  Also, like the others said - meds are just a part of solution, and a good therapy/counselling will help him figure it out all. Some people use adhd as an excuse to avoid difficult things altogether :( It's him who should be on this sub now, hyperfocusing on how to make it all work!
  
  

Teenage years are a hard age for a lot of people, you are not alone.

Life WILL change. You just need to get through this phase.

You are not a shitty person and beating yourself up for cringy things you've said or personal things that have been revealed doesn't help you. Do your best to move on from where you were and focus on the present and future.

You have the ability to become the person you want to be, we are always changing and growing. You can decide how you want to change and grow.

Suicide is not the answer. Your life has tremendous meaning, even if you don't see it yet. Even what you are struggling with now, can one day provide inspiration for someone else going through something similar and your story may help them through a dark period.

Focus on your relationship with yourself first. Learn to love and accept yourself. Be proud of who you are. So half Korean, gay, deaf and not Christian. Well to me, it just sounds unique. You may be the most unique person in your town. People are scared of what's different because they are insecure in themselves. Every great person in history has suffered some adversity due to their unique greatness and has come through it. History won't remember the slobs that made fun of you, but it will remember you coming through that nonsense to find a better happier life.

When you are a bit older, hopefully you will go away to a university in a larger more cosmopolitan city or move somewhere with more diversity. You will find many other people to connect with, who won't care about your demographic features or will find them charming and special. You may have to wait to find good friends, but they are out there.

As for the moment, you need to deal with living here for now. This could mean just playing the game in such a way to make your life easier there now.

Use your time now to cultivate skills and personal resources. Develop discipline and courage. Think about the type of life you want to have, work backwards and develop a plan to get there.

Read... There are so many resources out there to help with developing confidence, self esteem, personal skills, life skills, professional skills, etc. Figure out what skills you need to make your life happier/more manageable and work to get them.

A good starting place is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" corny title aside it is a good introduction for how to deal with others.

I would also recommend "Mastery" by Robert Greene. Hearing about the lives of great people in history may help you realize that you are not so different from them and you too have the power to chose a great life.

Don't give away your power by putting it in the opinions of others. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important.

Be well and remember in all life, this too shall pass!

I was younger than almost my entire team, only had 2 others younger than me of a 7 person team. It can be a bit challenging but the key thing to remember is that you were hired for your skills to be a people manager and they are the professionals in their skills.

There was probably someone on that team wanted your job. I tend to acknowledge their desire for leadership positions and ask them if that is what they still want in their career. If so then we make a plan to help make them more marketable for the next role or as my "heir-apparent" when the time comes.

Be humble and let their expertise and opinions be a welcome thing. It is paramount to hear their advice and more importantly to hear why things are done the way they are. People (typically) don't do things without a good reason. Respect that.

Couple other random bits and pieces I recommend to new managers:

This is what I try to do when taking over a new team.

• Review finances (historical (3-5 yrs), YTD and budgeted). The good part is that most of your current year has already been determined for you, so take that time to get the lay of the land so you can hit next year strong.
  
• Outline objectives and priorities from your boss for the department.
  
• Establish 1:1 weekly meetings with all your direct reports.
  
• I like to provoke my new teams to tell me two things in the following areas: Where are we poor/weak? What do we OK but should do better? What do we great at? What would you like to see?
  
  Things I strive for as part of my team as their manager:
  
  
• Do great work consistently.
  
• Be the go to team in your organization.
  
• Be a team and manager willing to push envelopes or create positive disruption.
  
• Protect your team as a manager in all settings.
  
• Reward people by the way they want to be rewarded. Not everyone wants beer. Not everyone wants money. Some people are just happy solving a difficult problem others couldn't figure out.
  
  A few books I would recommend in no particular order:
  
  
• Managing Humans: Biting and Humorous Tales of a Software Engineering Manager
  
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
  
• The Phoenix Project: A Novel About IT, DevOps, and Helping Your Business Win
  
• Writing That Works
  
• Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

> Currently I am not working on the career front. I do some part-time work from home that is able to keep me in a holding pattern, but that's basically a side gig that I can do with a baby and not much else.

>I know our family will continue in a downward spiral unless I take the hit and drop my ambitions for now. I'm not sure it's a forever thing. I think we just need to make progress on some of our other goals before we do anything else.

​

Sounds like you're doing the right thing for now, then.

​

>I had to convince him and he repeatedly complained about how we didn't need her and he could just do it himself if all she was going to do was take the baby outside for a longer stretch. After a few weeks of seeing how much she reduced total stress, he's been happier except worrying about how we're paying for it.

​

You sound like you're doing a great job as his FO.

​

>My husband claims that he is an easy man to please, but he will complain about a lot of things. He comes from a family of serial complainers.

​

>I just never want to do anything for him because he'll always find SOMETHING to complain about.

​

Complaining in these kinds of situations usually stems from a lack of gratitude. Maybe you can make a list of the things you're grateful for in your life and share that with him. Then ask him about the things he's grateful for. Gratitude is like a muscle: unless it's used, practiced and developed it stays weak and useless. You may be able to set the example here and lead him to gratitude.

​

>For example, he complains half the time I make chicken for dinner. He says he REALLY loves steak and so we've basically only been eating steak for the past 3 months because I don't want to hear again about how steak is better than chicken. A few days ago I had bought skirt steak and I asked him to cook it because the baby was fussing; he proceeded to complain about how there was still silverskin (there was like a sliver) and how the butcher at that store clearly didn't know how to butcher steak properly and yada yada. I finally cut him off and told him he should just be grateful that we can afford to eat steak and he's like "shouldn't I hold people to a standard of excellence?" I'm so flipping tired of eating steak and even when that's all we eat, he still finds a way to complain about it!

​

I would turn this one back on him and ask him for advice in handling it. "Ok, I get that you're not happy about this. Help me understand how I can handle it differently next time so that you're happy." He may just complain and not give any actionable advice, but at least you tried.

​

Also, don't tell him he should be grateful - that never works. Here's some suggestions for practical things you can do instead - although he has to cooperate so you may have limited success.

​

>Correct. He's totally on board with NFP in principle, he just thinks our case is not exceptional enough to merit abstinence because we make enough. We met with a spiritual director who prudently decided to not tell us to do one thing or another, but let us discuss it extensively. And at the end of the conversation, we realized we both don't trust each other.

>It's obvious we need to work on our marriage more.

​

It's good that you realize this. No sense bringing more kids into a situation where ultimately you would just have more stress to add to your already stressful relationship.

​

>He ended up making about 5x too much and is now working on the leftovers. I'm hoping that just by him bearing the weight of it, he'll realize what a challenge it presents for us.

​

Yes, men definitely learn best this way the majority of the time.

​

>We live in a high COL area. A decent 3 bedroom house around here costs 1.25 million; if we want a larger family, we're looking at the 2 million dollar range for a 4 or 5 bedroom place. We don't want to stay here long-term, but yeah, it's not like we're making 360k in Arkansas or something. He does not trust God to provide but any time I suggest that's the problem, we end up bickering about before I was married I spent less on food but now I have food allergies and we spend more and it's just a constant spiral of garbage. I took over the budget so that he could see we can live comfortably within our means and that I'm not some terrible spendthrift.

​

Well I only know what you've shared with me, but it sounds like a lot of the stress in your marriage would be gone if you moved to a lower COL area. Even if your income takes a hit by moving to an area that pays a little less, if it reduces your stress level it may be worth it. You say you both don't want to stay where you are long-term, but do either of you have any idea of how long it may be before you're ready to make a move? Is there any sort of plan? I would focus primarily on this and get him to open up and discuss options for moving if I were in your situation. Without him stressing over money it's likely your entire relationship would drastically improve.

​

>>Are you reading your Bible every day?

>I do not. Last month I was in a class where we were going through a book of the Bible and that was my focus. I have asked my husband if we could make the Liturgy of the Hours our family devotional (which contains portion of scripture), which we used to do and he refused. He wanted to focus on getting to Mass multiple times a week (this also involves reading scripture). I basically said I wasn't OK with him making a commitment to try and go to Mass until we had a better prayer routine at home anyway; if we can't make it through the daily readings, why would he think he has time to make it to a 30 min Mass + transit time? So we're focusing on prayer > scripture for now. I memorized so much scripture after I converted that I feel comfortable when I pray that I meditate on scripture a great deal.

​

On this I think you need to back off. Look, you want a husband who does a good job leading his family, right? But here he's made a decision (albeit a poor one) and you refuse to even try it. So you've directly challenged him and put an alternate plan in place. While I understand you're frustrated about his poor leadership ability right now, usurping his leadership position will only get you a husband who likely refuses to lead, making future challenges even more difficult.

​

Also, I highly suggest starting to read your Bible daily, even just one chapter a day. You would be surprised at the difference this will make in your life and your marriage. I have seen more change in the last 5 years of reading my Bible with my family daily than in the previous 15 before that.

​

>I am pretty frustrated most days and feel my well-being (sleep, mental sanity) is sacrificed on the altar of his family and his inability to say no to things.

​

So When He Says No, He Feels Guilty? There's a book for that ya know ;)

​

Here's what I would suggest: buy the paperback version and read it when you have time. Don't suggest to him that he read it. He may ask about it, if he does then tell him it's a really helpful book for dealing with situations in life. Again, don't suggest that he read it. Leave it laying around in plain sight when you're not reading it, and see if he picks it up.

​

>If we welcomed another child into the world tomorrow, I would temporarily abandon ship and live with my parents for 6 months because I can't handle being around my husband and dealing with the mindless chaos monkey of multiple children under age 1.

​

Well hopefully additional children will successfully be put on hold for now. But just realize that if you do what you stated above, it could very well be the end of your marriage.

​

One final thing I would remind you of: 1 Peter 3:1-2 "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." Maybe you're already doing this, but it's a good reminder that this is God's chosen path to winning your husband over.

As you guys know I'm in prep and I've been doing my due diligence watching shows online to get a better understanding of what I need to do to win.

Something that absolutely stuck out to me when watching guys line up is that: confidence is everything. You don't necessarily have to have the best physique, to look the best up there. Anybody who has watched, or participated in shows will attest to this.

It's not who has the best physique, it's who can show off theirs the best in the brief time of being judged.

You hear it over and over again, and sure it may be cliche, but there's a reason for it.

There is a reason why woman are drawn to confidence.

Now, here is what I want to focus on with you all here: Let go of your preconceived notions of who you were.

As men, we are constantly growing and bettering ourselves and if you're not...you have some self evaluation to do.

Every little kid growing up fat still struggles with their "inner fat self".

Maybe a girl said you have too big a nose.

Maybe a girl said you're too short.

Got a small dick? Learn to be a master with your tongue and fingers.

The point is, your mind is the most powerful tool you have.

You guys have seen me, you know I probably can do well with women - nothing changed for me though until I changed the way I saw myself, mentally.

Once I started to believe in myself and (in retrospect - accept that you only live once, you could die tomorrow, you are who you are - focus on your strengths and your weaknesses will be dwarfed! ) my posing, my attitude, and outlook all changed for the better.

Good friends here said to stop hiding my face and smile. I did. I got tons of messages from girls with heart eyes (just to get the point across - not a humble brag ). I felt self conscious of my smile because I was bullied growing up over it, I had wide cheeks so I looked like the chestshire cat when I smiled authentically.

Tren and Mast did wonders for my jaw line and now it's not so bad now, but that's a whole other conversation haha.

The Charisma Myth

This book changed my life for the better, I can't recommend it enough. Buy it, read it, apply it.

Enjoy your new lives, after all we only have one.

> This ability, according to the book, comes down to embodying three simple qualities: Presence, power, and warmth.

>Presence: Whether we’re worried about what others may think of us or just wondering what we want for dinner, we all spend a good chunk of the day wrapped up in our own thoughts. With everyone’s brain so easily distracted the simple act of being present with another person can have a huge impact. Here’s a quick example:

>Imagine you’re talking with two people. Person A is looking you in the eye, is engaged in what you’re saying, and genuinely wants to hear more. Person B has no expression, keeps glancing at his iPhone, and is clearly waiting for his turn to talk. Which person makes you feel more important? That’s the difference presence can make.

>Power: Charismatic people are comfortable with who they are, own their space, and are not afraid to influence the world around them. People are drawn to confidence and turned off by insecurity and self-doubt.

>Of course, if you go overboard on power you may end up coming across as an arrogant or cold. Which brings us to…

>Warmth: If you want to make someone feel important, show them you fully appreciate them for who they are. Embrace their imperfections. Look past the surface and see the good qualities they have inside.

>Too much warmth however, and you end up looking a little too eager-to-please. It’s important to find that balance between warmth and power.

diet, macros, example pic

I highly recommend reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Unlike most self-help books, this one was actually written by a research psychologist and is very well backed up, if not a bit verbose at times. The first 80 pages or so are quite dry with a lot of ground work, but once you get into the meat of it it's pretty good. I'll try to summarize what the six pillars are:

1. Live consciously: Basically, be self-aware. Try to observe yourself and analyze your actions/thoughts from a 3rd person perspective and be mindful of what you are doing. Some people do this through meditation, or journal writing, or just engaging in regular reflection.
   
   
2. Self acceptance: be honest with yourself about the reality of who you are. Be willing to accept the facts about yourself in a non judgmental way. Being willing to forgive yourself for past transgressions and let go of wishing that things were different - the past is the past. You're not trying to place a value judgement on whether or not the facts are a good thing or if you want them to change, you just recognize where you are at in life and make an effort to be at peace with it. That doesn't mean you don't strive to be better - you just don't beat yourself up about it or try to lie to yourself.
   
   
3. Self-responsibility: you and only you are responsible for your happiness. You don't get to blame bad luck, people screwing you over, or people failing to give you what you want/deserve. You take control of your life by believing that you have the power to make life-altering decisions. You are responsible for your emotional state and how you choose to react to situations. No one is coming to save you.
   
   
4. Self-assertiveness: recognize that you have a fundamental right to express yourself and that setting strong boundaries and enforcing them is a good thing. This isn't about being a loud, pushy asshole, but simply drawing a line in the sand of "this is who I am and I am going to stand by it"
   
   
5. Live purposefully: Make a regular and deliberate effort to take action. Don't just go through the motions of life and settle into a mindless routine. Every waking moment should contribute positively to your overall quality of life.
   
   
6. Live with integrity: know what your values are. Recognize mistakes, acknowledge and atone for them, and vow to hold yourself to a higher standard and not repeat them.
   
   The book gives a ton of good examples and exercises at the end of each section to give you a structured way of improving each one. I already felt I had pretty good self esteem before I even read it, but I picked up many good points which I find help a lot.
   
   It lays a good groundwork for the theory of self esteem, but ultimately you have to back it up by putting the advice into action. Think of this book as strategic-level thinking, and then you can look into more tactic level stuff about what sort of activities/hobbies/habits to pick up that align with it.

I think I know what you are going through because I have the same thoughts. What it really boils down to is your value system. Right now, you put higher value in short-term stimulus' like video games and and things to keep your mind stimulated, like YouTube, and now you realize that only doing these things gets you nowhere. So why would anyone NOT just play video games all day? Its the same reason why you shouldn't eat nothing but junk food, I'm sure you already know this. So where do you start? The first question you should be asking yourself is "Are my studies important to me? Maybe they aren't. Maybe you were forced into them by your parents or caretakers. If you truly do not want to do something it is very hard to get it done. But I suspect this is not the case with you. From your wording it seems that you want to study but you lack the discipline. It may be helpful to write our the Pros & Cons of studying. I think you will find that the Pros vastly outweigh the Cons. You can use this knowledge as fuel to keep you on track by reminding yourself that it is important to YOU that you study.

​

Ok, so you want techniques. Unfortunately there are no quick fixes. You need fundamentally change the way you see the world and replace it a whole new way of thinking, which is no easy feat. I know it sounds corny, but i like to listen to motivational clips from people i respect. I find that it helps me to see things from a different viewpoint than mine. It also gives me an extra push because it reminds me that the struggle to accomplish my goals is not only hard for me, but for everyone else too...but it's worth it. Here is one that is relevant to your situation:

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29oD-AeDwrk

​

Also, check out Jordan Peterson's & jocko willink's videos..I mean, your already on youtube all day right!

​

I also like to read books about how I can improve my life. One of my favorites is this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful/dp/1451639619/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1536593013&sr=8-2&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people

​

Make an agreement to yourself that you will invest time and energy into improving yourself everyday. Start formulating goals that you truly want, formulate a plan to achieving them in a specified time.

Looking at your post; One thing that I thing would be beneficial would be to try to wake up earlier everyday & going to bed earlier as well. There is a lot of research on the benefits of having a consistent sleep schedule as well as productivity benefits for waking up early. A quick google search will guide you on making that transition.

Other than that my only recommendation would be to start small. You cannot expect to will yourself into fixing your problems overnight. Expecting perfection will guarantee that you will fail, give up, and go back to your bad habits. It takes time. So start small. Set yourself up for success instead of failure. Instead of a goal of 2 hours of studying every day, maybe start off with committing only to 10 minutes per day. You will probably find that just starting is where 90% of the effort comes from. Often it is very easy to keep going once started. You also build a series of 'wins' under your belt in which you subconsciously learn that you can trust yourself that you CAN accomplish what you set your mind to. Then you can slowly slowly SLOWLY start to incorporate other healthy habits such as scheduled exercise, healthy eating habits, meditation..things like that. Good luck.

​

Absolutely. I'm glad you asked and I hope I can be helpful.

I know it can be very difficult to stop consumerism within us because we've been advertised to our entire lives. We've been told that material possession equates to success and self-worth. The more we have, the better we are. You and I can read these sentences I wrote and recognize how stupid that idea is. Yet, advertising is so good that even the knowledge that we're being advertised to doesn't always prevent that same advertising from working on us. Advertising is based on exploiting human psychology. That's why it works. Just know that it's very difficult to ignore advertising on a subconscious level. We're only human. We will fail. We will make mistakes. Recognizing all this is a good first step.

It's important to practice desiring less. When you want something, stop yourself and think about it. Think about your motivations. Why do you want it? Is there a real justification for acquiring something? Is it a true need, or just a want? If it's simply a want, well, tell yourself you want it but you don't need it and move on. Try to thwart the desire for that thing at the source. Desire for a thing is like sexual lust... it's only human to feel that way, but you don't need to act on it.

It's a constant practice, desiring less. It's difficult. Possibly the most difficult thing a human can do. But desire leads to disappointment and suffering. Desire is temporary, but if we play that desire out to its end, often times the fruits of that desire can be disappointing and longlasting. But if you don't need something, if you don't desire, you're that much more free... "Nah, I don't need that." You become unflappable. More in control. But don't kid yourself... it's hard. Keep practicing.

If you're looking to get rid of stuff you already have that isn't bringing you happiness, I recommend Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up." It's become quite a popular book and for good reason. It really makes you think about why you have stuff and how that stuff functions in your life.

If you want to work on internalizing the idea of desiring less, take a look at /r/buddhism. It's important that if you start reading Buddhist texts that you realize that Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion. Buddhism's main tenant is "freedom from desire is the path to enlightenment." It's a very deep rabbit hole to go down and a lifetime of study. For a more modern take on Buddhist teaching, I love Pema Chodron. I also really love Anthony DeMello and Jiddu Krishnamurti.

Another great place to look is /r/stoicism and in particular "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius was emperor of Rome, but that didn't stop him from living a life of equanimity and mindfulness. His book "Meditations" is more like a private diary, in which he reminds himself on how to live a good life.

“We need to master the art of acquiescence. We need to pay attention to our impulses, making sure they don’t go unmoderated, that they benefit others, that they’re worthy of us. We need to steer clear of desire in any form and not try to avoid what’s beyond our control.” -- Meditations, 11.37 (Hays translation)

I hope that this stuff can get you started on your journey. Just know that you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to flip a switch and completely change who you are to be a success at any of this. It's a process and it's a practice. Failure is okay. Don't beat yourself. Just try. Just keep practicing this stuff every day and it will add up. You can do it.

Here is some advice with a degree of seriousness.

• Buy a high quality laptop: I bought a budget device only to regret it all the while. The price you pay for a device which is going to be ubiquitous in your college experience is a small one, if you look at the entire cost of college.
  
  
• Really ponder about your major. I can't tell you what a small fraction of students actually know the fundamental nature of their major until well into their coursework. If you can visit campus, they have many many different books which draw up an outline of what exactly you are going to be studying. If you live nearby, try visiting the college and see for yourself the nature of the various departments. Switching majors early into college is easy.
  
  
• Read college advice books. some would disagree here, but I see no reason is repeating the same mistakes made by thousands of college students before them. There are a thousands things that I would change about my college experience, but I did the best I could as I went in completely blind. I would recommend some books to incoming freshmen.
  
  

1. The Freshman Survival Guide
   
   
2. Been There, Should've Done That
   
   
3. Procrastination was my biggest issue in college. It is only now (well after graduation) that I realize the importance of a proper system of productivity. The best book I can recommend is Getting Things Done - by David Allen. This isn't some cheesy, feel good self help book. This a solid methodology to address productivity in everyday life. If you implement the method even to a small degree, you will have an incredible amount of benefit in your college life.
   
   

• Get yourself in shape: The college experience has a lot to do with meeting and interacting with people. Your choice of major is definitely a handicap right from the start. But you can help yourself by keeping yourself in good physical condition. And mind you, fitness is a lot more than just vanity.
  
  
• Familiarize yourself with support systems. This applies when you get to the end of your summer. UIUC is literally filled with hundreds of departments, all of them there to help you. Be it health, academics, housing or anything else, there are people who give valuable advice. Because I went in blind, it took a while for me to find my bearing around all these support systems. The Counseling Center is an excellent resource that every freshman should make use of.
  
  
• Thank your High School teachers: If you are amongst the group of people who had a fulfilling high school experience, make sure to thank those who made it possible. Have lunch with your favourite teacher/coach. Tell them how you are thankful for their contributions. Believe me, my mom's a teacher. It'll mean a lot to them. I know it will be hard for you to understand this, but the predominant majority of your friends from high-school will become irrelevant in you life through college. So make sure you don't forget the people who really matter like family, teachers and community leaders.
  
  
• Learn something different: You'll have the entire 3-4 years to learn things in your major. So take time out to learn new skills, that have nothing to do with your major. Welding, dancing, painting, photography, etc. Exploring interests is something that you won't have time for later on in life. So make best use of it when you can.
  
  
• Finally, relax! College is going to be a blast. An experience you have no idea of at the moment. So there is little point in worrying about it. Don't get all up in your head and worry about the future. You are going to fall, over and over again. But you will also learn how to pick yourself up, and that is what is going to make a real individual out of you.So savour those things which you will soon start to miss. Explore your hometown, eat at your favourite local restaurant, go on a road trip with friends, spend time with family. Enjoy!

Sure, I’d be happy to share.

I’ve only selected courses for semesters 1 & 2 for now. If there’s interest, I can update my list later on.

To give some context, my intention is to specialize in International Trade at the level of small to medium sized business. So while these first couple semesters are pretty standard business fundamentals, in semester 4 you’ll notice I start to choose courses based on developing specific skill sets that are applicable to my objectives.

I’ve ignored several courses which would be important for someone looking to get a complete and well rounded business education, but don’t seem critical for my goals.

Some courses I’ve skipped: Ethics (lol), Information Systems, Project Management, Calculus, Econometrics, Corporate Finance, Political Economics, Cyber Security, Human Resources.

Okay, on to the curriculum...


---

Academic Foundations (Optional Prep Courses)

I am about to embark on a lengthy 1-2yr education so for me it makes sense to brush up on academics skills as force multipliers for my efforts later on. This section is totally optional though and not part of any business school curriculum.

Academic Foundations - Memory & Effective Learning

Courses:

• Learning How to Learn @ UC San Diego or…
  
  
• Mindshift @ McMaster University
  
  Books:
  
  
• The Memory Book - Harry Lorayne, Jerry Lucas
  
  
• The Four Hour Chef - Tim Ferriss
  
  
• How to Read a Book - Mortimer Adler
  
  Other Resources:
  
  
• Anki (spaced repetition software)
  
  

  Academic Foundations - Productivity
  

  
  Books
  
  

• Getting Things Done - David Allen
  
  Other Resources:
  
  
• Pomodoro Technique
  
• How To Read A Book In A Single Day (short article w/ actionable speed reading tips)
  
  

  Academic Foundations - Writing
  

  Book
  
  

• Elements Of Style - Strunk & White
  
  ---
  
  

  Semester 1
  

  
  

  Business 101
  

• Business Foundations @ UBC
  
  

  Math - Algebra
  

• Kahn Academy Math Tutorials
  
• Maths Essentials for MBA Success @ Imperial College London
  
  

  Accounting
  

  
  

• Financial Accounting Made Fun @ Babson
  
• The prof has had a long and impressive career and he truly does make the subject more engaging through telling the story of a fictional business in little movies
  
  
• Alternative 1: Accounting: Principles of Financial Accounting @ IESE Business School
  
• The prof is engaging and likeable and also teaches through the story of a fictional business. I like this one too.
  
  
• Alternative 2: Introduction to Financial Accounting @ Wharton
  
• This seems to be the most comprehensive of the accounting courses but not as engaging. I figured a more comprehensive course is not going to benefit me if my enthusiasm and retention of information suffers so I skipped this one. If you are naturally smarter than me or have a longer attention span, this is probably the best introduction to accounting course for you.
  
  

  MicroEconomics
  

• [Principles of Microeconomics @ MIT] (https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/economics/14-01sc-principles-of-microeconomics-fall-2011/)
  
• This introductory microeconomics class is one of the most popular that MIT has made available, and is taught by Prof. Jonathan Gruber. He’s been teaching there for 20 years and is an extremely prominent economist who helped design Massachusetts’ groundbreaking health-care reform.
  
  ---
  
  

  Semester 2
  

  
  

  Marketing
  

• An Introduction To Marketing @ Wharton
  
• Taught by three of Wharton's top faculty in the marketing department, consistently ranked as the #1 marketing department in the world, this course covers three core topics in customer loyalty: branding, customer centricity, and practical, go-to-market strategies.
  
  

  MacroEconomics
  

• Principles of Macroeconomics @ MIT
  
  

  Finance
  

• Finance for Everyone: Smart Tools for Decision-Making @ MIT
  
• Not sure this course is going to be sufficient for business school but I really wanted to learn from Prof. Gautam Kaul and since his Introduction To Finance course seems to have been discontinued at Coursera I am going to roll the dice on this one. Look for something else if you want to make sure you’re prepared with a solid finance background for business.
  
  

  Math - Statistics
  

• Analytics For Decision Making @ Babson
  
• I chose Statistics instead of Calculus after watching this TED talk and reading this article
  
  ---
  
  

  Semester 3
  

  
  

  Operations Management
  

  
  

  Supply Chain Management
  

  
  

  International Business
  

  
  

  Game Theory
  

• Game Theory @ Yale
  
  

  Strategic Thinking/Decision Making
  

• Effective Problem-Solving and Decision-Making @ UC Irvine
  
  ---
  
  

  Semester 4
  

  E-commerce
  

  
  

  Product Design
  

  
  

  Opportunities in Developing Economies
  

  
  

  Management/Leadership
  

  
  ---
  
  

  Semester 5
  

  Negotiations
  

  
  

  Entrepreneurship
  

  
  

  Global Supply Chain Management
  

  
  

  Pricing
  

  
  

  International Business Law
  

  
  

Okay so check out www.trello.com - it's free and it's a great way to organize projects.

It utilizes the ideas behind the "kanban" system (which is basically a large board with columns and tasks in each column that is put up at an office so the entire place can see which things need to be done, which things are in progress, and which things have been completed). Kanban itself is great at limiting your amounts of works-in-progress so your brain isn't so scattered.

Trello takes that idea of a system, makes it more flexible, since you can have different "boards" which contain "stacks" of "cards." (Obviously all digital but based on the real life physical versions, with more power.)

You can open the card, add a description, add attachments, add checklists, label the card, give the cards due dates, assign cards to people (even your spouse if you're trying to move or plan a vacation), comment on things, and basically get EVERYONE on the same page of a project without a bunch of that back and forth between emails, phone calls, and not knowing who is doing what. Here's a blog post on how to manage a move with trello with your SO, as an example.

The cards can also be moved from stack to stack, so it can go from to do, doing, and then done - or you can name the stacks whatever you need based on the project. (Like if you want just a stack of some ideas to go through for a project before putting it on a "to-do" stack. But all stacks can be named and renamed, so you're never stuck.)

There are options that you can turn on if you need them, such as card aging (see how long a card has been on a project), or even voting on a card (like you have a list of vacation ideas for your family, you can have them vote on the place they'd like to go, or even vote on the places that everyone wants to see during the vacation for prioritizing.)

It's simple to use but it has SO many options for how to use it. It really depends on what you need! You can also sort boards into different organizations, so I've got one for my photography business, one for my blog, one for my hubby and I, one for a large creative project I'm working on that is it's own organization, one for my friend's business that I'm helping her with, one for all my websites and graphics work, and so on. Each organization has various boards, so for my websites and graphics work, I've got a different board for each website/project that needs to be worked on.

Heck even for personal stuff, I've got a board dedicated to reading more so I have a list of books I want to read, which one I'm currently reading, which one I'm completing. Or a board for GIFs - one stack for all the movies I want to make into gifs. From there I pick one, make a stack for the individual movie, and then keep track of the bits of gif I want to make.

Okay so for this project with my boss, I'm making a website for our company. It involves LOTS of content, and a big problem was messaging back and forth to figure out which pictures she had sent me and which things she needs to send me.

Originally, I'd have to individually go through it by my email and find all of them, and even then the pictures are all labels like abc1.jpg abc2.jpg for example, so not really well organized. This system, we have a card for each section that requires unique pictures, and so she uploads all those specific pictures to the card. If a picture is too small or there's something weird with it, I can comment on it. If there is something with the pictures group she wants changed, she'll add it to the card's checklist. This way, we both know what we have and what is needed without a bazillion back and forth emails/ims/phone calls as it is smack-dab-visual-in-your-face.

OKAY that is my epic speech about Trello. It's my homebase for projects. Since I'm using the "getting things done" system for emptying my brain out, my process is this - use Google now on my android and say "okay google, note to self - do such and such and such" - and I use toodledo for my uber-to-do-list for optimal brain emptying (GTD is about having a "mind like water" - the guy's motto is "your brain is for creating ideas, not storing them" and so you get EVERYTHING out of there that you're wanting to do, and I mean literally EVERYTHING so it's not eating up your mental ram).

The "note to self" function on google now is amazing because it makes my process even quicker now - the first time you use it, it allows you to pick an app that you want to place the idea at. So all of my ideas go into toodledo, then I do a weekly review to sort them into folders and etc. Then I pick a few things from each folder and put it on my "on dock" Trello board - which things I'd like to get done as part of my "daily seven" and then move one item at a time to "currently working on" - so I'm much more focused (even when I'm not, I can come back to focus on what I'm working on instead of OMG HERE ARE ALL FIVEHUNDREDBILLION THINGS I WANT TO DO WHICH ONE AHHHHH.) So... thems my productivity secrets. :D

PS: If you're the type who has lots of brain power and have lots you want to do/accomplish, I also highly recommend reading "getting things done" - it's like $10 and it's great. I think it's pretty adaptable to, based on who you are - a lot of business people do it, but I'm a creative and a business person, so I use it for my "stuff to get done" but I also use it to store ALL of my creative ideas for photo/graphics projects I might want to do, so if I come up with brilliance, I can just store it in toodledo for later. :D

Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.

Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.

There are a few things that play together:

• Your attractiveness level, including grooming, smell, clothing.
  
  
• Your power & status, but also knowledge and expertise fall under this category.
  
  
• Authority & calmness
  
  
• Your body language & confidence.
  
  
• Your humour.
  
  
• Empathy & your presence in the here and now. Ergo listening without becoming distracted.
  
  
• Your agreeability and likableness.
  
  There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.
  
  Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:
  
  
• The Art of Seduction
  
  
• How to Win Friends & Influence People
  
  
• The Definite Book of Body Language
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.

So to highlight some of the things from my reply to your original post.

Pentatonics are safer as there's nothing greatly offensive about them when applied over many chords, but 7 notes really raise the bar alot in terms of adding more tense or nothing sounding notes.

This gets tricky when combining notes together as now predictable tension, release, sounding nice with the chord and the context of the progression becomes that more difficult and its so much easier to get lost.

So two things greatly helped me.

1. Play to the chords - notes you play harmonise with the underlying chord at the time, they work together and its the resultant sound you hear.
   
   Therefore, to use modes / scales effectivly your note choices must repect the chord, things like how tense/clashy or homely a note sounds is extremely important to how a phrase sounds and is all to do with the chord + lead / melody notes working together.
   
   So a bit of advice given to me is you should be able to hear the chords / chord changes in the solo / melody.
   
   It's why I dont like the term E mixolydian jam or in the Key of C lydian. For example, a I IV V in the Key of C has the chords C major F major and G major respectivly and you can improvise using C major.
   
   I would personally say if we are talking "modes" that over that progression you do not solo in C major. You use 3 scales / modes, C ionian, F lydian and G mixolydian. Now the context is all nice an correct. Yeah these are all modes of C major, but it makes sense to me when you play over an F chord you are using an F something scale.
   
   So you would never use a scale / mode over several different chords. "E mixolydian" jam to me says chuggin out over an E7 chord constantly. If there are other chords, say a B7, then you certainly dont play E mixolydian over that, its B something and in the context, B mixolydian.
   
   But thats when you talk "modes" / theory. Another / easier way to look at it is, you are playing C major but making sure in your note selection over each chord you select notes that work with the chord. I.e. over the C the E note sounds warm/happy and good + works well with the chord but over the F it changes and the A note sounds warm / happy / good.
   
   
2. Vocalisation. Phrasing is an extremely interesting topic. If I had to summarise when I think phrasing is all about in a sentence I would say its is all about communication.
   
   I started writing about humans / physiology / communication and what I believe are effects on how we perceive music, but it got long / off topic...
   
   Long story short, vocalisation forces you phrase more naturally. You are constricted by breath etc. You are also much more connected with your voice then you are with the guitar (thats something then develop) so you can use your imagination more and help get natural inflection and dynamics etc.
   
   Its like knowing what you want to do and then developing a connection with the guitar to achieve it, rather than essentially finding something randomly on the guitar and trying to connect it back to something / an understanding of what you may want to do. I started with the latter, but it (for me) now just seems the completely the wrong way round, so I do the first way now and Its helped me greatly.
   
   With vocalisation, you dont have to be pitch perfect / beautiful singing, you just vocalise out (la's, hmms, anything but it has to be somethin) somewhat near enough, inside you're head you wioll know what you mean.
   
   Victor Wootens book The Music Lesson I think is well worth a read.
   

Keep going through the tough times, man! One big problem with this sub is that it sets expectations way to high for people in recovery. Sure, it helps overall with confidence and anxiety to some extent, but not nearly as much as a lot of people claim.

The key thing to remember is that porn and masturbation will do NOTHING to help with your "awkwardness." Porn and masturbation will make your anxiety much much worse. Almost every here can agree to that and you know it is the truth.

The big problem here is that you have to really believe with all your heart that porn and masturbation offer you ZERO positives.

Go ahead and do some research for yourself about the positives of porn and masturbation. Question everything you read and you will soon realize that people out there are fooling themselves. They are addicted to a drug and are desperate to somehow justify their drug-use. People are willing to go to great lengths to explain their shitty habits. We are very protective of things that we know deep down are addictions.

Here is a little reading material for you! Remember to never stop researching and exploring this addiction. It is cunning and the more you learn the better success you will have.

Remember to take it all with a grain of salt. The important thing is that these resources will help you start to question your inner-addict.

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2zrqrk/this_is_so_true_must_read/

(it's my own words, so I hope that doesn't come across as narcissistic. I just think thinking about these things is extremely important in early recovery)

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

This book is great for dealing with shame. It has helped me greatly with my own struggle to deal with my past and make peace with my mistakes and accepting myself as a person.

http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155

This book is not written for sex addiction, but it shows how recovery can be an extremely positive experience. I would definitely recommend reading it and substituting "porn and masturbation" for "nicotine."

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/The-Most-Personal-Addiction/

There is a free PDF download on the website. I really like this book because it gives concrete strategies for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction. Read it all with a grain of salt. And approach everything in your initial recovery with skepticism.

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-Starting-Relationship-Recovery/dp/0982650523

I'm not a huge fan of Patrick Carnes because he seems to miss a basic idea about recovery that I think is important. But this book really is great for exploring your addiction. I would recommend it in small doses. It is highly interactive and it is sometimes very challenging to work with. This book is best used with the help of a therapist.

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2zad9s/messed_up_last_nightreset_back_to_day_1/cph4z9j

Get rid of your unhealthy habits! You deserve to be happy! Here is a lifehack for not bringing your phone to bed at night. This trick was essential to my recovery.

> he can't switch off from work and that stress really affects his sex drive.

He needs to fix this. If it's destroying his sex drive to the point that it's threatening your marriage, it's undoubtedly harming him in other ways too. I mean, I completely empathize to a point... I'm one of those people who has an impossible time switching off from work, and it's had many negative and positive consequences in my life. And I've started multiple businesses. While none have specifically resulted in a drag on sex drive for me, the overload from doing this has caused me to neglect various important aspects of my personal life in different ways at different times.

Most of the rest of the sub may want to tune the rest of this reply out, but, /u/lonelybutinlove, please keep reading, digest, and relay this advice to your husband. If I'd gotten this figured out sooner it would have made a big difference for me. Again, not sex-related in my case, but it's a cure for that nasty problem of not switching off causing you to neglect important personal stuff.

I know this isn't the topic of this sub, but I'd bet a handsome sum it has a ton to do with your situation.

He needs to establish a system where his brain is only responsible for doing, not retaining. It depends heavily on the person, naturally, but as a group our brains are good at picking up our next task, solving a small problem, and checking it off. We're not (globally) good at retaining the pile of junk we have to do in order to accomplish the larger project that problem is part of. When we keep too much of that in our head, we suffer in multiple ways. First, the need to keep state causes us to need to stay focused on the project(s) even when we shouldn't. You're seeing fallout from that. Second, it makes us less effective at knocking out those individual tasks. Third, because we're not really that good at keeping accurate state, we lose track of some of those tasks and need to panic to complete them. It adds up to create a big ball of stress that detracts from work and personal stuff alike, though we usually compensate to make sure that work stuff suffers less because, y'know, we need to feed our families.

The way out of this soup is to put together a system you can trust completely for tracking what your next steps are and for getting them in front of you when they need to be. When you can trust your system completely for the planning crap, you can only be "plugged in" to the thing currently in front of you. Other things come up, you funnel them into your system and keep going with the thing at hand. Your system is better at handling the planning/tracking/prioritization than your brain is, and freeing your brain from maintaining that state makes you better at whatever's in front of you. Be that work, personal, etc. When your system is reliable, you can decide to switch off from work without stressing because you know that the next time you look at your system, you've got the next thing you need to focus on in front of you.

That's a hasty summary. The thing to read to really understand this point is David Allen's Getting Things Done. It's an easy read and not a new book. Practically any public library will have it available, and it's easy to find and not very expensive. This book explains the principles of the system and gives many practical suggestions. It's completely agnostic about what tools you might use to implement the system. For me, the thing that's really made it seamless was The Secret Weapon Manifesto which tells about how to use Evernote and your calendar, in great detail, to put the Getting Things Done system in practice.

It's not a hard system to implement. And once you have it to the point where you can trust it to keep track of the things you need to do so that you don't have to devote precious mental capacity to that, it's like a fog lifts. And with that a whole pile of stress just goes away. As a bonus you get better both at your job and at maintaining all those things you need to maintain in your personal life.

Sorry if this isn't directly responsive to your post. I just see some parts of myself in how you describe your husband, and having some system is the key to fixing those parts. It doesn't matter if it's this system... though this is a good and easy one. But it needs to be one he can trust. This will knock out a ton of stress. I bet that helps him prioritize things you and your family need. If it doesn't, there's something else going on too, but you'll both like the improvement you'll see if you can get him on board with this, and it'll free up brain power to tackle whatever else might be in the way. Getting a good system lets you keep the positive consequences of being driven but gain the benefits from being able to switch off.

Your frustration is perfectly natural. The same questions and doubts arise in all of us at all levels. The standard answers you noted are true, but only in your context and when you are at the right place in your journey.

A few things come to mind that might be of use.

Seek out a mentor. We all need guidance and teachers. Find someone who has had the type of succeses you are looking for. Ask questions and learn from the wisdom of their experience.

Seek out a collaborator. One of the most rewarding aspects of what we do is sharing it with others. Sharing the creative process and bouncing around new ideas with someone else is fun and creates an environment where new ideas and avenues can flourish.

Take time to be introspective without being reactive. Be real with yourself. What are your goals. Really think about the why and the outcome you hope see. Successful people are not successful by accident. They work incredibly hard to achieve their success - we are only seeing the end result.

Sometimes the best thing to do is take a break. Walk away from it and give your mind and spirit a rest so when you return it is with renewed exuberance. As odd as this may sound, when I take a break, my brain tells my it's time to come back through dreaming about playing and being on stage or jamming with others.

Something else you might consider is [Zen Guitar] (https://amzn.to/2IO4IfU) or [Victor Wooten's The Music Lesson] (https://amzn.to/2GbuyJf), both of which are fantastic and inspirational reads.

I hope this helps my friend!

It's not about being deep it's about psychology and automatic responses, people become happy when they see or hear happy people and it gives you an advantage.

So a kinda good example of this is canned or fake laughter in comedy shows, the audience tends to hate it and to be honest I don't think i know anyone who even likes it. But comedy shows put it in anyway, why? because it makes jokes funnier especially bad jokes, and if people think a show is funny they watch it more. I would give you evidence for this but i can't find it right now sorry. But it was brought to my attention via this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-B-PhD-Cialdini/006124189X

(the audiobook is quite good too)

Often people find it easy to fake happy smiles, but the eyes require much more work and happy eyes are the key, in my opinion, to having a happy looking face. I try to think of something that makes me happy (my first kiss, maybe a good thing that's happened recently etc.) and that tends to take care of my eyes.

As in more defined vs more chubby but happy it depends, in a social situation more happy is better and in a situation where they can see by your body that you aren't fat then happy is better too. Only face close ups are when I'd think about maybe avoiding the round faced "issue". It's something you'll have to check in the mirror to see for yourself.

So...don't tell anybody, but I read a self-help/business book (all my friends were doing it) and have actually found it really helpful. Have you read Getting Things Done?

The main insight from this book that I found helpful is that the way I was making a to-do list was all but worthless because it contained quite a lot of vague things I felt like I should be doing something about. I (and apparently most people) just don't work that way. He suggests setting aside time to think very clearly, "What is the next concrete action for this, and when/where does it need to be done?" The "next actions" list is what you want to have in front of you to initiate activities. So, for example, if you want to send your Grandma a card and you write down "card to Grandma," but you don't have a card and you don't have an address and you haven't written the card, then you can't send a card to Grandma. Your next action is "Get card" - and preferably you'll have that in a place where you can easily combine it with any other errands. If you don't have an address, then another next action is, "Email (or call) Mom to get Grandma's address."

An almost therapeutic practice that this guy has clients do when they're overwhelmed with mental stuff is to get a stack of index cards or post-it notes, a designated "inbox" (can be a huge cardboard box or the middle of your room or your desk) 100 manila folders, and a filing box/cabinet, and just spend an entire day consolidating every single thing that's crowding up your mental space and putting it in a physical inbox. Every piece of junk in your room or car or whatever that you feel like you've been meaning to do something about goes in the inbox, either physically or on a slip of paper. Every last thing. Then you go through every last thing and decide what to do about it.

Are you supposed to do something with it? Is that action clearly defined? Does it take less than two minutes? Do it and get it out of the way.

Does it take longer? Is there a deadline? Is there a specific date it needs to happen on? Put that on your calendar - but only the day it really has to be done on. Don't crowd your calendar up with maybes or good intentions. Put the firm commitments on there so that you can trust it. If the rest of the system is in place, you'll easily be able to access the more flexible tasks when you're in a time and place to do them.

Is it a bigger, more complex project? Is it something you want to be working on now? What's the next action? Is it connecting with someone? Generating ideas? Only put that action on your "next actions" list. Keep the big idea in a "Projects" folder and revisit it as often as you need to keep generating concrete "next actions."
Is it not something you need/want to work on now, but you want to make sure you don't forget the idea? Put that in your "projects" folder.

Is it reference material (statements, book recommendations, etc.)? File it and label it clearly so that you can have it when you want it. (You'll want a lot of folders and a box/filing cabinet.)

The idea is that you're creating a physical and/or electronic system that consolidates all your mental baggage that you're unconsciously keeping track of all the time so that you can free up your brain a little and relax. And you're separating the abstract projects from the concrete next actions so that when you think, "I need to do something - but what?" you know you will find explicit instructions for a simple, achievable task. Even better: make a more granular "next actions" list that puts together actions that can be done in the same place with the same resources (i.e., "errands," "At computer," etc.)

If you like physical reminders, make what he calls a "tickler" file. You have 12 "month" folders and 31 "day" folders. If something is a month ahead, put it in next month's folder. When you get to that month, all the month folder contents get distributed to the appropriate "day" folders. Every day, get the day's folder out and see what's been assigned to the day. So, for example, I've been putting my bills in the folder of the day I need to make sure to pay them, and I've also got chores that I tend to neglect (mopping...ugh) on cards so that, when I do them, I can put them in a folder of the day I think I should do that thing again.

This sounds neurotic. Once you've sorted through everything and got it set up, it really takes very little energy to keep going. Whenever something new comes up that you don't really have time to deal with, throw it into your inbox. Take 10 minutes every day, or an hour once a week, to sift through and figure out what concrete action needs to be done and when. After that, you have a better sense that you're not letting things slip through the cracks, which really takes a weight off your mind. And when you're not functioning on a very high level, your smarter (and/or procrastinating-by-planning) self has already done the higher-order planning and your dumb tired self can follow instructions.

No problem , thanks for the input:). I meant ego in the sense that, I have lots of pride in what I do, but I always take constructive criticism seriously whenever its given to me, because most of my life I just had to constructively criticize myself to get by. In order to learn things and what not

I decided to actually write 3 books on these topics,

1. One for evernote, and just how to use it in general, as well as things I found helpful, such as embedding gifs in there. I actually will keep this book pretty short and sweet, like you can read it in an hour.
   
   
2. One for onenote, same as above. There's some things like embedding images and collapsed screenshots that I did not find in any books that I made up myself. Also, I made many diagrams in onenote, I will mention how to use onenote like a visio tool. Everything else is pretty standard
   
   
3. One really big book, where I talk about history, LEAN, onenote+evernote (but I won't tell you how to use it, I will tell you to youtube how to use them and where), how to maximize workflows, whether 1 or 2 software programs are best, calendar apps, time management. Its basically a book that compiles the best resources on optimizing yourself in this day and age. Its like David Allens GTD book http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563/ref=cm_wl_huc_item but more expanded on newer technologies. Essentially a lot of my rambo thoughts go here
   
   > I will say this though, those programs change a lot quicker than your book will pick up on popularity. If you made a book about note taking as a decent sized book that might work and then smaller book that could be updated on the uses of ON AND EN then you might be better off. But that's just strictly my opinion.
   
   I agree with you on everything here, from first hand experience. Evernote (especially) more than onenote, decides to change UI things at random sometimes. The book will get outdated on evernote for sure, since its got BIG changes sometimes <1 year, whereas Onenote is about 3-6 years on average (Biggest change was 2010 to 2013 on its UI, some people reallly hated it)
   
   > For clarity, I usually don't even like to read. I use audio books. I just say all that to get at the point of I think an in-depth manual is great just don't want it to not keep up with the times. If that makes sense. Hope I didn't offend especially since you said u have an ego. Cheers
   
   I guess you are referring to audible.com. I thought people mostly did that for fiction books if they did audio books. Do people actually use that for short manuals in evernote / onenote or software tutorials? I haven't really explored audio books a lot
   
   > in-depth manual is great just don't want it to not keep up with the times
   
   On this thought, there are some things though, with evernote and onenote. I don't believe that ON especially will change much overtime (it really hasn't change a lot over the years imo), but EN will adapt to newer technologies, granted its UI won't change a lot. This book written now, won't be needing that many updates in the future. Even if evernote were to disappear one day, its had such a long lasting impact that many people have made EN clones off of it
   
   

• EDIT: Also, I had a bunch of other books that I might explore afterwards, but that's until after I finish those 3
  

The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.

The better place to start? https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.

You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.

The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.

I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.

It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.

• Clean Code is a really good programming book. It's technical in that it gives you best practice, but you don't need a laptop or to code to follow along, you can just absorb the information and follow along with the simple samples (even if it's not your primary coding language).
  
  
• The Clean Coder is a great book about how to build software professionally. It focuses on a lot of the softer skills a programmer needs.
  
  
• Scrum: The Art of doing twice the work in half the time is a great introduction to scrum and why you want to use it. Agile (and scrum in particular) can have a major improvement on the productivity of development teams. I work for a large technology company and we've seen improvements in the range of 300% for some teams after adopting scrum. Now our entire company is scrumming.
  
  
• Getting Things Done has personally helped me work more efficiently by sorting work efficiently. Having a system is key.
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People I often recommend devs on our team read this because it helps with interpersonal communication in the office.
  
  
• Notes to a Software Tech Lead is a great book so you can understand what a good lead is like and hopefully one day move up in your career and become one.
  
  

Here is what I recommend currently:

For beginners:

Free: https://www.coursera.org/courses?languages=en&query=digital+marketing

Paid: https://www.udacity.com/course/digital-marketing-nanodegree--nd018#

(You can get it free if you take the courses with out the degree)

Foundations To Advanced Topics:

Paid: http://neilpatel.com/advanced-marketing-program/

(Neil Patel is one of the few Internet Marketers I would trust. He has successful businesses and is fairly transparent)



Books that can help you with marketing:


Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Once you read this book you will see the techniques used everywhere in marketing. Once you understand the techniques you can apply them yourself.

The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller - Everyone talks about copywriting, but IMO most copy is written way to salsy and is obvious. I have had much better results using stories to sell and most of my sales pages use story telling techniques to bring the reader on a journey.

The Copywriters Handbook - That said, you should still understand the point of copy and this book does a good job. Once you know the fundamentals of copywriting you can sell almost anything.

What to avoid:

Avoid any courses that are selling Techniques or formulas (I.E: My Super Awesome Snapchat Method that brought in $5000") while most have useful information the issue is simple:

Formulas/Templates/Tactics will only get you so far and won't always work. Yes, some methods have been proven to work time and time again, but you are still better off learning the fundamentals of marketing and sales over reusing tactics and templates.

By learning the fundamentals you will be able to rapidly test and try new things to see what works and doesn't. This will give you more flexibility and success in the long wrong.

Most people sell courses around tactics because most customers want a lazy way to make money. Do they work? yes and no. There is no real answer - these tactics may work for you or not as there are a lot of things to factor in.

When buying a course check out the instructor. A lot of Internet Marketers only had 1 success before selling courses on the subject. If someone claims to be an awesome marketer and doesn't have more than 1 success as proof, something is wrong and most likely that success was a fluke.

Most trustworthy marketers normally will have a long track record of successes or at the very least have well known clients (Google/Facebook/Coke/etc).

TL;DR: Avoid tactics/templates/Formulas and learn the fundamentals of marketing.

I got you covered dude. My company lives for this and provides books on the regular, but the ones below are pretty much the industry standard, and top companies all over the world recommend that every one read these. I have to admit, they've helped me:

• "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" This will also have an impact on your personal life, but most importantly, it prevented me from being a little shit in the office, and helps teach you to focus on your work and behavior with other people by offering simple logic and examples.
  
  
• "Winning" This is the manifesto of how to dominate the corporate world by the legendary Jack Welch (Former long time CEO of GE). It's extremely simple and a very easy read, but this is the corporate mentality. Of all the books I list, if you only read one, make it this one. Easily a favorite among everyone in my office.
  
  
• "Good to Great" This isn't so much about how to be an effective individual, its more about what makes an effective company, but still important as you will want to recognize the effectiveness of your own organization is it grows and changes while you are there. Additionally, "Great by Choice" and "Built to Last" are also written by the same author, Jim Collins, and should also be on your list, but prioritize them for later.
  
  
• "Drive" by Dan Pink. This will help you understand a little bit more of what physically can motivate you, beyond money. Good way to sit down and assess your values as to why you show up everyday. I would also add "A Whole New Mind" which discusses creativity and "To Sell is Human" both by Dan Pink and prioritize them for later
  
  Those are the quick ones I can think of. If I come up with more I'll add them to the list. Also, welcome to the corporate world - good luck in your career!
  
  Edit: Holy shit, gold? This is my first time receiving so thank you for being gentle!
  

Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)

---

• Blue Ocean Strategy: How to Create Uncontested Market Space and Make Competition Irrelevant by W. Chan Kim et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591396190
  
• Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose by Tony Hsieh et al. Link: http://amzn.com/160941280X
  
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown Link: http://amzn.com/0804137382
  
• Founders at Work: Stories of Startups' Early Days by Jessica Livingston Link: http://amzn.com/1590597141
  
• How Google Works by Eric Schmidt et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1455582344
  
• Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook: How to Tell Your Story in a Noisy Social World by Gary Vaynerchuk Link: http://amzn.com/006227306X
  
• Losing My Virginity: How I Survived, Had Fun, and Made a Fortune Doing Business My Way by Richard Branson Link: http://amzn.com/0307720748
  
• Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1400064287
  
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck Link: http://amzn.com/0345472322
  
• Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time by Keith Ferrazzi et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0385346654
  
• Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable by Tim S. Grover et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1476714207
  
• Rework by Jason Fried et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0307463745
  
• Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin Link: http://amzn.com/1591842948
  
• The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss Link: http://amzn.com/0307465357
  
• The Choose Yourself Guide To Wealth by James Altucher Link: http://amzn.com/150100994X
  
• The Difference Between God and Larry Ellison: *God Doesn't Think He's Larry Ellison by Mike Wilson Link: http://amzn.com/0060008768
  
• The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz Link: http://amzn.com/0062273205
  
• The Innovator's Dilemma: The Revolutionary Book That Will Change the Way You Do Business by Clayton M. Christensen Link: http://amzn.com/0062060244
  
• The Lean Startup: How Today's Entrepreneurs Use Continuous Innovation to Create Radically Successful Businesses by Eric Ries Link: http://amzn.com/0307887898
  
• The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime by MJ DeMarco Link: http://amzn.com/B004BDOUAI
  
• The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday Link: http://amzn.com/1591846358
  
• The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1885167776
  
• The Startup Owner's Manual: The Step-By-Step Guide for Building a Great Company by Steve Blank et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0984999302
  
• The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell Link: http://amzn.com/0316346624
  
• Traction: How Any Startup Can Achieve Explosive Customer Growth by Gabriel Weinberg et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591848369
  
• Unlabel: Selling You Without Selling Out by Marc Ecko Link: http://amzn.com/1451685319
  
• Zero to One: Notes on Startups, or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0804139296

OMG yes.

Two big themes I'll discuss:

1. Getting stuff done that may be unpleasant or not gratifying.
   
2. Be a good reader.
   
   ----
   
   Before we get into that, I highly recommend a few good books for you to read NOW so they can sink in:
   
   
3. Make It Stick
   
4. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
   
   The first book will teach you essential study techniques that you may have forgotten, or that your schools up until now have not emphasized.
   
   To add on to that, one of the huge concepts you hit when you enter college, which is very likely to hit you like a ton of bricks like it does most people, is that college is harder, a little bit more "dry" and less "fun" like high school was, it's a bit less light-hearted, and it asks you to suddenly grow up fast and take on challenges that aren't as straightforward.
   
   The second book talks about skills and principles that would you do well to start thinking about and working on now. Things like "be proactive, instead of of reactive", "start with the end in mind", "seek first to understand, then to be understood". These are hugely beneficial ideas that will help you become a person that others want to be around and can depend upon, but also someone who can lead themselves through life and commit to their own vision for where they want to go instead of being led through life by others.
   
   One other book (that I don't recommend buying) is "How to read a book". I would instead find a summary online. He drones on and on and repeats himself a lot, but the concepts are fundamental. The basic idea is that there are four levels reading. The first is just being able to read the printed words on the page and decipher grammar and symbols and what not. The next step is being able to inspect a book in, say, 15 minutes - what is it about? What are you going to get out of it? What's in the Table of Contents? What's the overall message - can you tell? What does the intro or preface say? The third level is analytical reading - being able to get the most out of the book and get the author's overall message, exactly what points they are making and how they are back it up, etc. Only when you have "come to terms" with a book and understood what's being said can you make a serious judgment about the book. The fourth level is called "syntopical reading" and it's an essential activity right from the beginning in college, but especially later on if you pursue a master's, PhD, or post doc - it's the ability to analyze several books on a subject and take in the opinions, views, facts, and theories established by many people. What you should learn in college is that the stuff you read isn't gospel - one PhD paper may be very intelligent and well-researched, but humans are also fallible - so, 1) if you wanted to get to that level you can, researchers are not gods, and 2) you shouldn't take any one person's research as automatic truth. At the same time, don't let your skepticism fool you into believe you already know enough. The mark of a mature mind is the ability to entertain a thought without automatically believing it.
   
   ----
   
   Back to the themes.
   
   
5. A lot of stuff you have to do in college is uncomfortable or not immediately gratifying. Video games (or tv), in contrast, are almost endlessly gratifying but don't confer much value toward achieving meaningful goals in life. So, the sooner you can embrace the pain of the having to deal with paperwork, talking to financial aid people, talking to advisors, etc. and being somewhat systematic and proactive in taking care of these things, the better off you'll be. 7 Habits... talks a lot about this kind of stuff. Delayed gratification is huge. (See the book The Marshmallow Test on how early signs of delayed gratification in kids tends to correlate with success later in life).
   
   
6. Reading is ridiculously, overwhelmingly the key strategy that will make everything in the class far easier. Read the assigned passages and do your homework well in advance. Try to get things done AS SOON AS THEY ARE ASSIGNED. Every time. Do NOT fall into the trap of "well, I have 5 more days, this seems easy, I'll just do it the day before." If it's so easy, just do it now. If it's hard, even more so - the sooner you start chewing on a problem, the more you can rely on your subconscious pattern-seeking abilities to kick in in your off time (you might have occasional "ah-ha!" moments while taking a shower, cooking, driving, etc. - but you won't if you haven't started studying yet and running into hard problems).
   
   Sitting through lectures and taking notes will be much easier and more laid back if you've already read and understood the material.
   
   DON'T treat lecture like it's where you're actually learning anything. Treat lecture more like a [mandatory] supplement to your reading. The instructors will often go over concepts in class, as a way to bolster your understanding and also help answer questions that may have come up during your reading or homework.
   
   It's a bad feeling you get when you haven't read the material, and you're sitting through lecture scrambling to take notes on things you maybe half-understand. Even worse... when you start slipping behind on homework and not doing well on tests, because you didn't overwhelm the task with your sheer amount of reading and independent learning.
   
   Oh, I forgot one thing: From 7 Habits..., this is an example of his "Time Management Matrix". Really useful mental model for how we can spend our time. Some of the stuff we don't want to do but have to do is Q1. The stuff we really should be doing whenever possible is Q2 - but often times it's put on the back-burner because Q1. Q4 we usually make excuses for ("I just want to get a little further in Dark Souls 3 and then I'll start studying.") - take caution, reduce but don't feel like you need to eliminate completely and live like some sort of monk. Q3 is sometimes stuff we do for others that they are trying to delegate to us (their Q1 stuff, sometimes).

Not a new faculty member -- I started out almost 20 years ago -- but I quit a tenured, almost-full-professor position back in 2011 to start over at a different university that was better suited for my goals, in no small part because of questions like these. I could give a very long answer on this because it's something I've thought about a lot, but I'll keep it short and maybe others can fill in their ideas.

Context: I work at a regional public university (26K students) and am pre-tenure but on the tenure track, up for tenure and promotion in 3 more years. I have a teaching schedule of 24 credits every year, which shakes out to three courses a semester (usually two preps) along with expectations for service and a modicum of research production (we're primarily a teaching-oriented institution). Also and importantly: I have a wife and three little kids and they are way more important to me than my career.

With that background, I usually am working on my stuff about 9 hours per day during the week, and maybe 2-3 hours on the weekends although I prefer not to work on the weekends at all. And it works for me, as I just had a successful halfway-point review for tenure and promotion and all signs are indicating that tenure shouldn't be a problem for me when I finally come up for it.

You asked a bunch of questions in that last paragraph that seem unrelated but actually I think they all hinge on one thing -- making sure that there is a space in your life for work and a space in your life for your life, and making sure that there is no unwanted invasion of one space by the other. What works for me is:

1. If you want to have a space for stuff in your life that isn't work, you have to set up hard boundaries around that space and defend it.
   
2. You have to know exactly what you should be doing at any given moment and also what you should not be doing at any given moment.
   
3. You have to choose projects and tasks strategically and manage them rigorously.
   
   To focus on #2 and #3, I practice the Getting Things Done or "GTD" system of task/time management promulgated by David Allen. It would be well worth your time to go read this book, maybe over the holiday break. I won't try to summarize it other than to say, the cornerstone of GTD is having a trusted system into which you put ALL your projects and tasks organized by context, priority, and energy available and focus ONLY on the next action for each project. This way of thinking will train you to distinguish what you should be doing right now from the many things that you could be doing, and also train you to let go, mentally, of anything other than the next available thing until it's time.
   
   So I highly recommend GTD. It's no exaggeration that when I discovered GTD a few years ago it changed my life. You asked about what I do to relax and feel peace -- the first thing I do is keep all my projects and tasks organized and under my control. Otherwise there is no peace!
   
   As for #1, I set aside evenings and weekends for family. That for me is an inviolable law. So, I shut down the computer and don't check email from 6pm to 6am. (I tell students this, and explain why, and they respect it.) I get up at 4:30am so that I can grade from 6-7am every day and not take time out of the weekend. Sometimes (like during finals week) I do have to bring work home. But I've found that I can get a lot done during business hours if I just remain ruthlessly efficient with managing my tasks (see GTD).
   
   So another aspect of having peace in my life comes from the fact that I never worry that I'm not doing enough to give time and attention to my wife, kids, church, or friends. Making hard boundaries around that personal space and fighting to maintain them makes it possible.
   
   TL;DR -- I've managed to maintain a good work-life balance and a productive career by practicing GTD and being deliberate about setting hard boundaries around work and family life.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I wouldn't wish low self esteem on my worst enemy.

It's a good thing you turned to this subreddit for help. I'm always really glad to help.

First, I really recommend reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Like it's seriously worth a hard copy and just sitting down and seriously reading the book. It's a nice dissection of what self esteem is and how it affects you. It's a good first step to take to understanding the core problem and will make you aware of some of one's bad habits and mindsets.

Second, start trying to make lists about things in your life. I know it'll feel a bit corny but writing out some of these lists will really help getting things clear in your own mind. Try to cover a few things:

• What makes you happy? Family? Friends? Try to cover the things that give you the greatest fulfillment.
  
  
• What prevents you from being happy? Do you have toxic relationships? Do you lack a belief in yourself? If so, why? Try to see things from a fair perspective.
  
  
• What do you like about yourself? Your skill at folding beautiful origami designs? Your devilishly good looks?
  
  
• What do you value in life? Success? Money? The truth? Self expression? Intellectual accomplishment?
  
  I'd like to read what you write down. Self esteem is awful. I still have self esteem problems but I know I've gotten really great at helping others, even if it's just listening

Nudge the girl. Make eye contact with a smile. Talk. Tease. Touch. Most importantly: practice.

How to Hold Conversation Like A Man

Body Language - Indicators of Interest

Eye Contact, Tonality and Story Telling, Body Language and Gesticulation Three great short videos.

Becoming the Gorilla

Two videos I haven't watched yet, but come highly recommended:

Rapid (Physical) Escalation Edit: I just finished watching this one. It started off badly and the title makes you think it'll be cheesy, but it's really good. I'd put it above Becoming the Gorilla, but below the three-video page.

The Fundamentals of Direct Game Edit: The presenter starts off super sleazy. Slowly he eases into douche. His advice seems solid and after about ten minutes he acts like a normal friendly guy. I love his "you're only competing against 3% of guys" section. That really boosted my confidence. It's at the 13:16 mark.

How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Charisma Myth are great books.

Honest Signalz This guy has a silver tongue. Watching him is more entertaining than helpful.

Check out /r/Seduction. It's not all cheesy lines. There is solid advice there.

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

Hi there. Welcome to the shit mom club. First of all I would like to say congratulations! This is a great start to setting boundaries and flexing your shiny spine. Good job.

Next I would like to point you to some resources and give you some advice/tips:

1. r/raisedbynarcissists - This is another support sub with phenomenal resources. Seriously, check those out.
   
   
2. If you need help building your shiny spine, this book about assertiveness training is excellent.
   
   
3. If you haven't heard of the "grey rock method" of communication you should google it. Pro tip: when grey rocking be sure not to JADE. It is a hard habit to break but I mention it specifically because the stuff about the rocky start was a bit JADE-y (which is fine, practice makes perfect).
   
   
4. www.outofthefog.website has a bunch of great stuff.
   
   
5. This book list has a bunch of wonderful suggestions that I hope you will find useful. (Be sure to read the comments.)
   
   You've already received great advice to keep it simple. When she tries to go off topic just cut her off. Repeat the boundary. There may be a lot of rinse and repeat (you'll sound like a broken record) but that is what is needed to get it through her thick skull.
   
   As for the consequences, they need to be swiftly and firmly enforced. Any lack in enforcement is seen as "win" on her part and then her behavior will escalate (because she doesn't think you will enforce anything).
   
   I hope this stuff helps. Best of luck! :)

You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.

Example Searches

• How to setup Facebook ads
  
• How to start a business under $1,000
  
• Growth hacking (tips and tricks on growing your business fast)
  
• How to build a wordpress website + top wordpress plugins
  
• How to create a landing page
  
• Best community bulletin board software
  
• How to build a Facebook group
  
• How to create YouTube videos
  
  ​
  
  You can just keep going from there.
  
  The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
  
  
• How to build a website (wordpress, html, Wix, Squarespace, .etc)
  
• How to build an audience (paid + organic, FB + Google + Instagram + Pinterest + YouTube + Reddit)
  
  Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
  
  You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
  
  If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
  
  Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
  
  ​
  
  Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
  
  
• The Obstacle Is The Way: Ryan Holiday
  
• Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness of Crowds: Charles Mackay
  
• Secrets Of A Master Closer: Mike Kaplan
  
• Hooked: Nir Eyal
  
• The Art Of Learning: Josh Waitzken
  
• The 4 Hour Workweek: Tim Ferriss (Maybe the best entrepreneur book of all time)
  
• Pitch Anything: Oren Klaff
  
• The Gambler: William C. Rempel
  
• and of course...How To Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie (everyone MUST read this book)

It depends. But I'm glad you asked, for the following suggestions might also be helpful to others.

If I understand you correctly, you seem to think that pointing out fallacies is an efficient way to "fight the good fight". At least, that's my impression. Please correct me when I'm wrong.

Unfortunately, almost all the evidence points to a different direction: It's usually not very effective, because those committing the fallacy usually don't care much about a logical analysis of the situation, anyway. This does also apply to non-believers. Assuming all humans process information in two ways (see Kahneman's System 1 and 2), even atheists often seem to ignore their own system 2, because it actually takes effort to use it.

However, if you're looking for resources about fallacies, any good book on logic will help. One of the best one, I've been told, is "Introduction to logic" by Gensler. You may only need the first 5 chapters, because it becomes quite technical after that. Maybe, Amazon can help find a less technical book.

If, however, you're looking to persuade people, that's a completely different story.

Here, a very common recommendation is Cialdini's "Influence". You can research its contents easily online, so there's no need to buy it. Cialdini emphasizes six common areas to get people to agree with you.

I've looked at your comment history, so here's a short overview what you may want to change to be more effective:

• Liking: People say yes to people they like. Being offensive to believers is thus unlikely to help you make your point.
  
• Scarcity: People often want they don't think is hard to get. It's thus okay to say that we as atheists may indeed by the exception. It might help to say, you understand if your opponent is unable to understand your position.
  
• Authority: It helps to have bookmarks, or notes, from authorities who believers respect (typically other believers).
  
• Social Proof: It helps to have notes and bookmarks about being a non-believer is on the rise, generally speaking.
  
• Reciprocity: People tend to return a favor. This is hard to apply online, but it may help offline.
  
• Commitment: If people commit, verbally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment. It's thus worth trying to get your opponents to agree to a certain set of principles. For instance, the fight about gay marriage was won by appealing to one of the most common principles among Americans: Freedom. A simple change of words (from the "right to marry" to the "freedom to marry") made a big difference.
  
  Hope this helps.

> I just assumed that the reader cares who I am and what I think. It might sound silly, but that really was an eye-opener.

It doesn't sound silly at all!

In fact, this is probably the single most common mistake that people make -- in all forms of interaction with others. We assume that people want to know what we are thinking, what we are doing, what we have done, etc. It is pretty much the basic bias that we all have.

This is also why the simplest hook in non-fiction is to show the reader how they are impacted by what you are discussing.

Of course, I should make it clear that this not the only approach. People read biographies all the time, and so you can get them to care about other people -- provided those other people are interesting. Or, even, perhaps the other person has a problem they find interesting or care about.

For example, another good hook that might draw the reader into a story is:

"I escaped death today."

Even though I don't really care about you yet, I might care that you were about to die. Though it is a bit salacious, it is something that people are interested in (see: rubbernecking at a car accident, where people have no idea who the people involved were, but care deeply about what happened to them).

Anyway, the point is you must make the reader care about what you are going to talk about. Same as in fiction, there are many ways to do this, but it might still be done well.



Regarding the more specific points, arguments, I am happy to discuss these further too!



>objectively most of technology couldn't be directly tied to violent motivation

I was using violence in the less common definition:

"strength of emotion or an unpleasant or destructive natural force."

I was also thinking about not just man v. man, but man v. nature, which I would maintain is the primary motivator for technological advancement.

The idea is that it is the survival instinct that provides for the 'curiosity' drive. However, the vast preponderance of 'curiosity' is linked to survival still.

Take your essay itself. By your own admission (if I am reading the story right), a major motivator for your thoughts was the idea that your survival was threatened, and could end at any given time. You then had to decide how you could live under such conditions, and this motivated the rest of the thought process. Thus, the 'curiosity' that you exhibited was inspired by a direct need to understand how one lives within a possible scenario.

Anyway, that is just my read on things.



>Yes, ultimately the simulation would be governed by the laws of physics but this places no direct limitations on computational complexity other than of course in regards to resource constraints which would impact performance, but not complexity. For example, a Turing machine can compute anything that is computable

A theoretical Turing machine can compute anything, but a real world one cannot.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics ensures that this is the case, but you can also explain it with computation as well.

If there is a finite amount of energy in a system, then their is also a finite amount of information. I am thinking of Shannon entropy at this stage, which appears to be the most direct linkage between energy and information.

Given a finite resource, if one were to compute anything, the computation would need to be reversible, as you could not afford to discard energy/information. Of course, a reversible computation requires three bits per computation (in terms of logic gates), and so this means that for every bit of information you wish to compute, you need three bits of information to compute it. (Here I am working from memory of The Feynman Lectures on Computation, which I read a while ago. I may have some details wrong, but the principle is the same).

The point here is thus, this: if we used all the energy (including mass energy) to store the computation, the simulation that results could only be approximately 1/3 as complex as the universe in which it is run, given the needs to run reversible computation.

Of course, you could get rid of the reversible requirement, but then this places a more fundamental limitation on the system, in terms of # of computations that could even be performed.

And, of course, reversible computation (at speeds less than infinitely slow) are also impossible, and so we run into the heat death problem anyway.

I think that is where I was coming from, when I said the simulation would, out of necessity, be simpler than the universe in which it was stored.



Anyway, I do hope that the all this is helpful. But even if it is not, at least it might be fun!

I would encourage you to keep writing stuff like this. This piece definitely shows that you have promise, you just need to practice the elements of writing non-fiction in a way that leverages the aspects of story telling to make it as engaging as possible.

I will be excited to see what else you write!

**

PS. I thought of some other books that I found useful, when I was first learning to write non-fiction.

[Tell it Slant](http://www.amazon.com/Tell-Slant-Writing-Creative-Nonfiction/dp/0072512784): A book more generally about how to write non-fiction (not just science-based non-fiction). It is more about how to weave a story, and leverage many of the basic tricks of literature/language to your advantage.

[Made to Stick](http://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463315481&sr=1-1&keywords=made+to+stick): A book on marketing, but one that shows us how important it is to keep a message simple and engaging, if we want people to remember the message. And if you are writing non-fiction, remembering the message/information, is often the goal.

[Don't be such a scientist*](http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Such-Scientist-Substance/dp/1597265632/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463315517&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+be+such+a+scientist): If you want to concentrate on science/technology writing, you will eventually run into the problem where you are giving too much technical detail and caveats. This will bog down the writing. This book shows why this is a problem, and why (many times) you will have to accept saying things that are not 100% correct, in service of the story/message you are trying to get across. I know this sounds crazy, but I am a firm believer in this now. If you write something that is 100% correct, but boring, no one will read it. You might not have even written it. If you right something where the core message is correct, but the details are not necessarily supported strongly, but it is engaging, this is more useful. It is hard to do this justice, without going through the entirety of this book, so I would just encourage you to read it.

Really, beyond the advice I gave, I would strongly suggest you read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I linked to his website, which does a good job of providing a 2-3 paragraph summary of each of the habits, but the book is definitely worth it. It is the most grounded self-development material I've ever read. The habits are not gimmicks or tricks, they're more like... mindsets/approaches. One quote from the book:

>Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground.

Right now, I am working on Habit 1 -- Be Proactive. What that means is that in the long list of things that you care about and that impact you (e.g., what your peers think of you, what the weather will be like tomorrow, what state your finances are in), you should focus your energy and attention on the things that you can take action on. Don't imagine yourself as a victim.

>Anytime we think the problem is "out there," that thought is the problem. We empower what's out there to control us.

and,

>Blaming everyone and everything else for our problems [...] may provide temporary relief from the pain, but it also chains us to these very problems.

He also says:

>Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a value-based choice or response.

In other words, yes, things can be shitty. There can be stuff outside of your control that makes life hard or unpleasant. However, you always have the power to choose your own response. This is not to say that you do not deserve to be sad, or to have regrets, etc. It isn't, "put up and shut up." It is more that internally, you will be more empowered by focusing on what you can do something about.

As an example in my life: I sometimes have trouble not staying up late on the internet. Now, it might be the case that due to the perseverative hyperfocus of ADHD, I am not in a position to consciously decide to get off of the internet. And yet staying on the internet late is messing with other aspects of my life. Now that is not fun, and I think it is fair for me to have some sympathy for the position I'm in. At the same time, I always have the power to choose my response to that situation. So, now -- away from hyperfocusing on the internet at 11:30pm, I am seriously considering finding a way to make my internet shut off every night at a given hour. Because while my ADHD symptoms may not be under my direct control, I can still choose to respond to the fact of their existence by finding and using more tools to compensate. I always have that power.

>For those filled with regret, perhaps the most needful exercise of proactivity is to realize that past mistakes are also out there in the Circle of Concern.

(The Circle of Concern is the things we care about, but can't affect, like the weather. I might care if the weather is good tomorrow, but if I tie my happiness to the weather being good, then I am making myself a victim to my environment.)

I am still working on Habit 1 because I still catch myself all of the time, thinking sad things like, "I bet my advisor is sick of me by now. He's probably still helping me out of politeness... or maybe dealing with me has drained his energy so much that he can't deal with the process of trying to kick me out of the program. There's no way he doesn't dread another year of dealing with me."

Boy, I start to feel small, and worthless, and discouraged, and like giving up... I start to stir up all of those hurt feelings from my childhood -- of feeling like a grand disappointment to everyone else. Of testing and always breaking the patience of everyone I knew.

And I'm starting to get better at noticing that small feeling and taking it as a cue to step back. Wait a second, am I doing this program for my advisor? No. Sure, he has supported me more than any other authority figure in my life. His support is a big part of succeeding in my program, and I do truly want him to be able to be proud of my accomplishments rather than worried about my struggles. I do think he is still a caring person who would be happy about my success.

But sitting here, dwelling on how he feels now...? I can't control how he feels. Whether it is as bad as I imagine in my darkest hours, or whether he is not at all as upset as I am picturing... either way, it is entirely out of my control. And laying myself down as a victim to how he may or may not feel is not what success in this program is going to look like. I am in the driver's seat. I can continue to take action to move myself forward -- and a lot of that is figuring out my symptoms and how to manage them better. That is my job, and that is what is within my power (my Circle of Influence). I can learn from my mistakes (and sometimes it will take repeating them to find the lesson they hold), and then I can do better next time.

TL;DR -- The advice that is having the strongest effect for me right now, was stolen from a longer work that is well worth reading -- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey (this is the Amazon link this time).

That advice is to always put yourself in the driver's seat, and never surrender to things outside of your control. You can always choose to respond. If tomorrow brings rain, it will do so whether you worry about it today, or mope about it tomorrow. But you can still choose to make different plans or bring an umbrella. Focus on what you can do if it does rain -- don't make your happiness dependent on there not being rain.

Something like ADHD would be just like the rain. It may restrict what you can do in certain circumstances -- you can't sunbathe in the rain, and with ADHD, there are symptoms that may affect your life in a way that you can't control. However, you can always bring out the proverbial umbrella -- reminders, clocks that vibrate every hour, medications, a whiteboard for brainstorming, pomodoro techniques for pacing, etc. That is what has helped me the most is seeing ADHD like the rain -- and right now, a lot of how I am choosing to respond is just studying myself and ADHD so that I can design myself one kick-ass umbrella.

Hope this helps :)

Edit to Add: One more useful tidbit.

Covey also discusses the balance between your production (e.g., doing work, chores, good parenting), and your production capacity (e.g., your ability to produce). Basically, while he is more articulate about it, you may end up with more product if you stay up all night working, but you damage your production capacity -- your ability to produce work the next day. If you do this often enough, you may damage it more seriously (or even permanently), in the form of illness or injury.

Basically, if you don't take care of yourself -- your physical, emotional, interpersonal needs (or any other needs you have) -- you will eventually not be able to create the product that you want to put out into the world. Taking a break to do something that makes you smile and happy is not intrinsically being selfish and greedy when you're behind on your work. (It can cross that line, sure, but it is not inherently bad.) In fact, keeping yourself happy, engaged, and content is part of taking care of yourself, and making it so that you can work. That has helped me decide to go to bed more often, even when I haven't gotten everything done that I wanted to. Taking care of myself is as much a part of the work I want to produce as the product of the work itself.

• Rules for emails (both Outlook and GMail do this decently, presumably the rest do too by now). Some of the automated ones (e.g., build mails) I automatically mark as read because I don't need to see them as they come out but I may need to look back through the folder for recent builds occasionally.
  
  
• OneNote. Wikis have their place (and if you want one, set one up on your machine; there are plenty of free ones where that's easy, and other people may be able to use it too if you want them to), but OneNote is very slick and it's one of my sine qua non tools. (Disclosure: I worked at Microsoft. Not on OneNote, but in Office.)
  
  
• If you manage people, then you need to ensure that some of those emails (once you remove the unnecessary ones) go to people that work for you. Delegate.
  
  
• In terms of TODO list-type organization and prioritizing, I use David Allen's Getthing Things Done system; it's simple and clarifying. Find a copy at your library if you don't want to buy it. I've adapted the system for OneNote.
  
  
• If you can find or argue for time to step back, take a breath, and determine what tools or issues can be fixed by investing some development time (e.g., the not-authenticating one looks like low-hanging fruit), write up some brief proposals based on your experience (and by "proposal" I just mean: "this is what we have now, this is how much time it's costing us; here's a fix/alternative/better way, which I estimate will take X hours of time to build and test and Y hours to train people on, saving Z hours a week after it's in place"; the director doesn't want to read a novel any more than you want to write one).
  
  
• "My struggles" is nice, "my solutions to my problems—the company's problems—that I would like your help/feedback on" is better.
  
  A lot of it seems low-hanging (e.g., installing a version control system and committing versions and giving them tags based on that, and having apps report their version or revision, perhaps tracking it in a wiki page); it's just gotten so frenzied that people are too busy with the urgent to get to the important matters that could improve the system (someone wrote a great piece on this called "The tyranny of the urgent").
  
  Fixing a number of these low-hanging items would certainly look good (and if you're not a manager, something to point to at a review). You haven't mentioned whether management is aware of the problem or supportive of systemic fixes; how you proceed largely depends on that. Good luck.

I also feel this way about gift cards, but my opinion has shifted a little since I did the KonMari purge a couple of years ago. I'm much pickier about what I bring into my house now (with bras being no exception), and when I choose a particular brand of makeup or model of toaster oven or type of laundry detergent, only to be given something "similar" by my sister at Christmas, I very much appreciate the thought, but now am left with something I won't use and have to figure out how to get rid of AND am still without what I actually wanted. In that case, I'd rather have a generic gift card, but then I'm faced with the same opinion I've always had. The trick is to avoid making the gift card the object of the gift.

My husband and my mom understand the pickiness (he because he lives with me, she because she did the purge too), and if they gave me a gift card and said "let's go bra shopping", I would understand their intent, that they knew how complicated it was, and that it would be about going together. Spending the day shopping with them becomes the gift, with the gift card just a vehicle.

My husband has successfully surprised me with a bra once (and not just bedroom lingerie, that's a different topic), and it was another color of a bra I already owned in the same size. Since you know about the Aerie Sunnie bra and her size, I think that will work out wonderfully! However, I do think u/branita's idea is something you should hold onto for the future. I think it's perfect for this sort of thing, because the gift card isn't the gift, the experience is. It's still plenty romantic and shows how much thought and effort you put into the plan, and becomes about you doing something together, with a nice bra as a side bonus.

Two main elements, here:

First, set SMART goals for yourself.

Any goal must be:

Specific - Focused on one thing you want to accomplish.

Measurable - It must be clear whether you succeeded or failed.

Achievable - This is where most people screw up. Don't pick something huge. If you want to lose weight, don't start with, 'I will lose 50 pounds.' Humans are driven by short-term rewards. Set a goal to lose five pounds, not 50. If you accomplish that, set another goal for the next five.

Relevant - Pick something that you actually want to do or accomplish. something that will be meaningful to you and will make you happy, make your life better, or make someone else's life better.

Time-related - Specify when you want that goal to be accomplish. (When developing your timeline, remember to stay realistic.)

Set the bar relatively low to start.

Good examples:

• I will read that book I've been wanting to read by this time next month.
  
  
• I will be able to run one mile continuously without stopping by this time next month.
  
  
• I will lose 5 pounds by this time next month.
  
  
• I will do fifty push-ups total by the end of this week. I can do them any time, I just need to do 50 by the end of the week.
  
  
• I will complete one MOOC through EdX by the end of October.
  
  Start small, start simple, and start one goal at a time.
  
  Buy a whiteboard, stick it on your wall or fridge where you have to see it every day, and write your goal on it. When you achieve that goal, cross it off and write a new one underneath it until you fill up the board.
  
  ---
  
  The second element is similar to the first, but a little different.
  
  Keep commitments to yourself and others. Do what you say you will do, and abstain from what you've said you will abstain from.
  
  Keep SMART (above) in mind, and make commitments sparingly. Your word is your bond. If you don't want to do it, don't say you will.
  
  The most important person to keep commitments to is you (you cannot hide from yourself, and you are your own most ruthless judge). If you keep commitments to yourself for a while, you will begin to respect yourself (just like you would anyone else who kept their commitments to you).
  
  Then treat others similarly and move forward one step at a time.
  
  You can do this.
  
  ---
  
  EDIT:
  
  While I'm not usually big on self help books, you may want to check out the following books, which will help you in precisely the way you seek (I think):
  
  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
  The Speed of Trust
  
  Both books deal extensively with principles of integrity and self-respect, and contained what I found to be extremely valuable information that helped me to determine what's important to me, why, and what I can and should do about it.

Depends on how old you are.

• Middle school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but I don't think I can read those books now (29) without cringing a little bit. Especially, Getting Things Done because I already know how to make to do list, but I still flip through all 3 books occastionally.
  
  
• High school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but if you're a well adjusted human and responsible adult, then I don't think you'll find a lot of helpful advice from these 6 books so far because it'll be pretty basic information.
  
  
• College: I really enjoyed this, this, and started doing Malcolm Gladwell books. The checklist book helped me get more organized and So Good They Can't Ignore You was helpful starting my career path.
  
• Graduate School: I really enjoyed this, this, and this. I already stopped with most "self help" books and reading more about how to manage my money or books that looked interesting like Stiff.
  
  
• Currently: I'm working on this, this, and this. Now I'm reading mostly for fun, but all three of these books are way out of my league and I have no idea what their talking about, but they're areas of my interest. History and AI.

I have a theory about this that wasn't floated in the article.

Maybe it's the Machiavellian in me, but when I see someone who's being overly generous, especially if I don't know them well, I often wonder if they have an ulterior motive.

There's a great book out there called Influence: The Psychology Of Persuasion. One technique mentioned in the book when trying to make a sale or gain an advantage in a negotiation is to do something nice for the other party before any discussions take place.

This can be as simple as buying a drink, or as is often the case with politicians and lobbyists, sending someone on a lavish vacation.

When someone does something nice for you, you tend to feel somewhat indebted. It's a strong social norm to repay favors done for you.

Hence, whenever someone I don't know well does something nice for me, my first thought is, "What do they want from me?"

Obviously this isn't my first thought with most friends and family, but if there's an unusual level of ass-kissing going on it usually means someone's about to ask for a favor.

I think most people who've been taken advantage of in such a situation would tend to be suspicious of overly generous strangers, especially when the generosity falls far outside the social norm.

Here are some exercises from The Charisma Myth, one of the best non-seduction books on seduction I have ever read:

Presence

Set a timer for one minute. Close your eyes and try to focus on ONE of the following three things: the sounds around you, your breathing, or the sensations in your toes.

Responsibility Transfer

Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let that air woosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns.
Pick an entity - God, fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs - that you could imagine as benevolent.
Imagine lifting the weight of everything you're concerned about - this meeting, this interaction, this day - off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you've chosen. They're in charge now.
Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

The next time you feel yourself considering alternative outcomes to a situation, pay close attention. If your brain is going around in circles, obsessing about possible outcomes, try a responsibility transfer to alleviate some of the anxiety.

Destigmatizing Discomfort

The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing:
Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
Think of others who've gone through this before, especially people you admire.
See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.

Neutralizing Negativity

Use the techniques below anytime you'd like to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts. As you try each technique, pay attention to which ones work best for you and keep practicing them until they become instinctive. You may also discover some of your own that work just as well.

• Don't assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn't necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you're missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.
  
• See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.
  
• Assign a label to your negative experience: self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it.
  
• Depersonalize the experience. Rather than sayign "I'm feeling ashamed," try "There is shame being felt." Imagine that you're a scientist observing a phenomenon: "How interesting, these are self-critical thoughts arising."
  
• Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your country, your city, and finally the room you're in. See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment.
  
• Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio tot he side and let it chatter away.
  
• Consider the worst-case outcome for your situation. Realize that whatever it is, you'll survive.
  
• Think of all the previous times when you felt just like this - that you wouldn't make it through - and yet clearly you did.
  
  Rewriting Reality
  
  Let's imagine that traffic is making you late for an important meeting and your anxiety level is on the rise. Ask yourself: What if this delay is a good thing? Repeat the question a few times, and watch how creative your mind can get with its answers.
  
  When you're dealing with a more serious situation, sit down and write out a new reality on a piece of paper. Writing accesses different parts of our brain and affects our beliefs in ways that other modes of expression do not. The act of committing things to writing has been shown to be critical both in changing a person's mind and in making imagined stories feel more real. Write in the present tense: "The speech is going well..." Or, even better, in the past tense: "The speech was a complete triumph..."
  
  Getting Satisfaction
  
  
• Think of one person in your life who has aggrieved you.
  
• Take a blank page and write that person a letter saying anything and everything you wish you had ever told them. Really get into this - you have nothing to lose. Make sure you write it out by hand.
  
• When you've gotten absolutely everything off your mind and onto paper, put the letter aside.
  
• Take a fresh sheet and write their response just the way you WISH they would respond. You might have them taking responsibility for their actions, acknowledging and apologizing for everything they've ever done that hurt you. You don't need to find any justification in their actions, just an acknowledgment and an apology. It's your imagination, so you get to decide exactly what you'd like to hear.
  
  __
  
  That's most of the exercises through Chapter 4. There are tons more, and the book is excellent, so I would recommend you pick it up.
  
  I also remember an exercise from Models (at least I think it was Models...) where you make a list of all the traits you are looking for in a partner, no matter how shallow. Wait a few hours or a day and go back through the list circling the ones that are most important to you. You can make a new list and narrow it down, or keep narrowing down the existing list as often as you'd like. The idea is that when you're done you have a pretty solid list of the things that are really actually important to you in finding a partner.

I know that a lot of folks in this thread have come down on you for coming across like an opinionated jerk. Frankly, I don't blame them. I can see their side too. That being said, I also understand how hard it is to go to church when you feel different, or picked on, or even more enlightened than everyone else (that's just another way of being different).

Mormons have been raised with the idea that we should influence the behavior of others with scripture and doctrine. We have stories of prophets that call people to repentance, and risk personal injury to ensure that they get the Word out. We're not all supposed to be Samuel. Today we are definitely expected to live in a geographically determined ward and interact congenially with other members. Going down in a blaze of fiery rhetoric defending the truth doesn't help the fact that you still have to show up to church next week. Believe me, I'm sure you and I don't agree on lots of things, but this is one thing we can probably agree on.

Redditors are infatuated with the idea that logic and reason will always win the day. "If you don't agree with my logically sound argument and immediately change your behavior and opinion then you are sub-human." The real world, and real human beings don't work that way. Show me a scripture that directly contradicts my belief and my first reaction is not to change my belief, but to do the mental gymnastics necessary to justify my world-view. If I don't personally like you, I'll entrench myself even further. If I don't trust you, even worse. If I don't see myself as similar to you, still worse. If I don't know you well and think you're overstepping a social barrier, you guessed it. Logic always loses in the short-term.

You're a Mormon and a Redditor (so am I). I'm not making any claim as to how well you fit the stereotypes I've outlined here.

I also am familiar with statements made by general authorities indicating that the study of the gospel can more quickly change behavior than the study of behavior can. I take issue with this idea. I am absolutely sure that in SOME circumstances this is the case. I do not trust this as a blanket statement for every behavior in every situation. I also don't see it as a justification for trying to get someone to change their beliefs or behavior more quickly than they should. (My recommendations for influencing these people won't work after just one Sunday School class.) That is usually catastrophic.

>Nothing really. I'm reasonably polite in church, but I've never really been good at socializing outside of the ward by inviting people to dinner, parties, etc.

Please don't be insulted when I tell you that this was my assumption. Most members are this way. I would also hazard to guess that most members don't have the social influence they wish they had. If you really want to change the behavior and even belief systems of the people in your ward you're not going to do it without some significant social influence. Unfortunately, it's going to take some work, and it's probably not the kind of work you're used to or good at.

You've obviously got a good handle on the scriptures, church doctrine, testimony, and desire. When I read the quote above from your statement I can see exactly where this is going to go wrong. Reasonably polite is not enough. Not being good at socializing on a non-church level is suicide if you want to confront these people. My first piece of advice is to not confront them yet. When something controversial comes up, bow your head and shut up! You first need to build a social bank account with them. Then you can start to make withdrawals!

What if you could confront these people at some future time when they liked you, saw themselves as similar to you, trusted you as an authority, and felt indebted to you? I promise you'll get a different result.

Where do you start? Food. It works. Maybe you don't believe in evolution, so you might have to come up with another way to justify this, but sharing food is the first secret. We're built to do this. We wouldn't have survived what we've been through without other humans sharing food with us. It's hardwired into our psyche. Food brings us together. It allows us to socialize. It makes others indebted to us. It makes others like us, even if we see each other as different, and we start to see each other as more similar when we share food.

Next step? Go read this book. (I promise it won't turn you into a liberal mormon.) Already read it? Great, go read it four more times. Think about every single point he makes and how it applies to the situation you're in. I influence people's behavior for a living and credit this book with getting me my start.

Food and a cool book that you'll love? Sounds pretty easy so far. The hard part is creating the social bank account. You've got to go out and do the stuff, and you've got to do it with lots of people, and you've got to be patient while you build the deposits in the account. This bank doesn't offer a line of credit. You don't have the money, you don't get to spend it.

>This thread is expressing my anxiety over the almost assured prospect that such confrontations will occur.

You're right. It will happen. Your anxiety will also make it worse. Work on the anxiety and you'll have more patience to avoid an explosive encounter.

If all you want is to feel morally justified that you're right and the other members are wrong, and you're willing to take a stand for what's right and absorb their fiery darts, by all means, confront them this weekend. If, instead, what you really want is to change their behavior and belief system, then you'll have to take the long route. You're opinions are too far apart right now and you don't have enough social influence yet to bridge the gap. It won't work, whether you're version of "the truth" is right or theirs is, it just won't work.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I'm good at this, and think that I can be of help. Don't want to push more advice than is wanted.

>I was thinking about hiring a bodyguard to come to church with me. I think he'll help me intimidate the cowards if he's big enough.

I'd like to apply for the job.

In order to make and keep friends we must be friendly. We must be interested, not interesting.

People in general love to be listened to. They want to tell their story. They want to share their accomplishments and interests.

You may want to do all that stuff also, and that's great. But consider the type of people that easily get along with everyone: the listener. The listener is interested in what other people have going on in their lives. They ask questions about their friends. They show genuine interest in other people's lives, accomplishments, and interests.

It can be taxing to always be interested instead of interesting, but luckily there's the social law of reciprocity. When we give to others, they will feel socially compelled to give back. If we are genuinely interested in other people and carefully listen to what they have to say, and let them know we are interested in what they have to say, then anyone worth being a friend with will reciprocate and be interested back in you. A way of expressing this via idiom is to "Dig the well before you are thirsty."

To learn more about the law of reciprocity and other tools that will help you understand social dynamics and how they affect our relationships and our work I recommend reading the book Influence.

Aw sweet girl I totally get you. I haven’t been in that exact situation, but I do get being SO fusturated with yourself over something that is taking far too long and any “other” person would’ve conquered by now.

All I can say is, aside from that I totally understand your frustration, is that, if you love it, then you can only compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Everyone is dealing with a completely different set of limitations and privileges, and to compare yourself to them is unjust.

And you HAVE made progress! It may be slow but DAMN GIRL! Be proud of yourself! You did something! That’s a whole heap more than all the people who didn’t even make it off the couch.

If you shift your perspective a little bit, maybe silks CAN be something that makes you feel good about yourself, because you’ve been coming back every. damn. week. and refusing to quit when people with less persistence would’ve thrown in the towel by now. And that’s something to be proud of!!

However, I totally believe everyone needs something they’re good at to bolster their self esteem, so if realistically this can’t do that for you, maybe you could find another outlet to bring that positive self-worth & offset any negative feelings the slow progress in aerials is causing.

As in, maybe the issue is not silks, but your life overall isn’t giving you a feeling of self-efficacy and silks is just another thing dragging you down, even though you love it.

My personal advice would be not to quit if you love it, but to examine other areas of your life that can bring self esteem. Also this bookthis book is really great if overall self esteem is something you’re struggling with (from your post it definitely sounds like it is).

Best of luck!!

I've been exactly where you are. ADHD was, and in many ways still is, a defining feature of my life. Here's what I wish I'd known when I was your age:

-If you're feeling overwhelmed, there's nothing wrong with slowing down for a while. Consider dropping any honors or AP classes and taking an easier course load. The very worst case scenario is that if you want to attend a four-year-college, you'll have to attend community college first. By the time you're an adult, not even the world's most colossal snobs will care where you spent your first two years of university.

-Become an organizational freak, and do it ASAP. Keep your room squeaky clean at all times. Be someone who has a conscious system for staying on track. One of the most beloved systems for this, which also helps people without ADHD, is laid out in Getting Things Done by David Allen

-Start thinking about what you want your life to be like as an adult. What kind of career do you want? How important is money to you now, and how important do you think it will be by the time you're closing in on 30? What kind of work can you do for an extended period of time without making yourself completely miserable? These things are important for everyone to think about, but I think people with ADHD are even more prone to ignoring these questions. One of the most well-received books for helping address these questions is Designing Your Life, which is based on a course at Princeton. (Disclaimer: I just started reading it, so I can't offer a full assessment. But it seems like a book that someone in your situation would greatly benefit from reading.)

-Get physically fit, whatever that means to you. If fitness means being able to run marathons or swim fast, learn to do that. If it means looking in the mirror and seeing a ripped physique, learn to lift weights properly. Fitness is one of the world's most reliable confidence boosters, and if you're someone who struggles with ADHD, anything that can make you feel better about yourself is something you'll want to consider doing.

-Read about successful people with ADHD. It turns out that a lot of people with ADHD tend to perform well in creative and entrepreneurial endeavors. Personally, I'm working on building my own business, and I wish I'd started doing that a long time ago.

-Medication is an option, but don't rely on it exclusively. A pill isn't going to fix your ADHD, but it might put you in a frame of mind that helps you manage it more easily. Personally I can't deal with the side effects of the ADHD meds I've tried, so I don't currently take them.

The Giver series - Lois Lowry - Mainly just the first book (The Giver) - Taught me that not everyone sees the world the same way. You can not know something until you see or learn of it.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Learn about great habits that will help you fall in line with your goals. Become a robot, but not for the system, more for yourself :)

Think and Grow Rich - I am by no means an entrepreneur or salesman. I do enjoy finding motivation in reading. In this book, it teaches you that seeking motivation is one of the best motivators for making things happen.

Lastly - How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie - Not about manipulation, but how to deal with people. I am not a very social person, and this book helped me tremendously. Basic conversation, and thinking about other people in a more human sense (knowing that they may not have had to best day, or they may be insecure themselves, etc.) Being thoughtful to them while still fulfilling your own needs.

​

I hope these help

Just be careful, it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of 'thinking you're being productive' but working ON things instead of "In" things. (Meta-procrastination is reading a book about getting organized instead of getting organized.) You should strive to have the simplest, most boring system that actually works for you. It's very easy to get caught up in the trap of researching the latest and greatest fad rather than actually doing the hard tasks that need to be done.

The 'classic' is "How to take control of your time and your life" by Lakein. This is the most generic, 1970s version of time management possible, but is helpful to understand as it is kind of 'responded to' by multiple other authors, even if they don't call him out by name.

Another frequently referenced work is "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Covey. This gets mentioned in a lot of places. It is a 'top down' style.

For a completely different perspective, try "Getting Things Done" by Allen. This will lead you to realize how many commitments that you have made. It is more 'bottom up'.

Finally, some of the most interesting stuff in this space that I have read is by Mark Forster. His latest book is here. And his blog is here.

At a high level, it is always useful to think about the utility of what you are doing - that is, making sure you are doing the right things, even if you are doing them slowly (working on your most important tasks), rather than doing low value tasks efficiently (man, I can read email quickly). Peter Drucker, Tim Ferriss (Four Hour Workweek), etc.

Other ideas/Books to research: JIT/Kanban, 80/20 'rule', "Eat that frog" by Brian Tracy. Smarter Faster Better by Duhigg, The Power of Habit also by Duhigg I also very much enjoyed. The Magic of Tidying up by Kondo might also give you some insight into cleaning out your commitments.

Hope this helps. I have read all of these so let me know if you have questions I guess...

Getting enjoyment out of life is relatively new to me, as someone with a lot of mental health issues, and other things besides that don't really need explaining for these purposes.

Besides therapy (and like, a lot of it), the biggest things that are working for me in terms of actually making me happy are

• Using Mel Robbins' 5 second rule to get up early in the mornings and working on my life-long goal of learning how to make video games before work
  
• *Making* time to do things with friends I actually like, and trying new things as often as possible without overwhelming myself
  
• Running like hell from my depression by filling every sliver of time I can with something I care about and making sure to exercise regularly. This works better if there's a goal involved. It's exhausting but honestly no more exhausting than letting my depression catch me.
  
• Actively making an effort to enjoy the small things in my life that are good. My morning tea. The sunlight from my giant windows. My cat's fur. My husband's butt. Taking at least a few moments out of every day to remind myself "this is good"
  
  Though I wouldn't list this specifically as something that helps me get enjoyment out of life, you seem to be struggling with the amount of chores you have, so: I've also done a lot of work around figuring out how to make a lot of chore-type things in my life more efficient. Even though I don't agree with *everything* she says, Marie Kondo's Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up can help you figure out how to permanently de-clutter, which helps with cutting down on chores. Actually sitting down with a pencil and paper and thinking about how you could chores at certain times or in a certain order to maximize efficiency, then making a schedule or changing your habits might help. Also, picking up after yourself as you're living your life and encouraging your husband to do the same will help, if you don't do that already. It's hard to have concrete suggestions without knowing way too many details about your day-to-day life, but I'm confident if you sit down and think about what you need to do and how often, and maybe even google things like "how to make laundry more efficient", you can find at least one or two things that could get you a little more time.

Hi there. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder back in college (10 years ago), and I could tell it was much more than just shyness or introversion. I've always been a quiet awkward kid growing up, so I think genetics and my sheltered upbringing might've caused it.

Symptoms: when I'm with people I end up being all quiet and awkward, too. I tend to smile a lot and my mind goes blank or perhaps into a panic mode. It felt as if words were stuck behind a locked door and I could not reach for my true personality.

People and dates have said I seem a lot more confident chatting online and expressing myself, but in person I'm like a statue or limp doll. People asked me too many favors because I was afraid of saying no or standing up for myself. My voice was lost in one of those locked doors.

Getting Help: I've tried cognitive behavioral therapy and my doc also prescibed Lexapro but I only used it until 2011 (side effects include insomnia and other stuff..)

Recently, I've gone to see a therapist again (I havent gone in 5 years). She said it's very good that i'm self-aware, brave to open up and be vulnerable, and really motivated to change (secret: I get 3 free sessions before my insurance resets, so I was like, why not?)

I still do struggle with SAD, but my friends say I've improved much over the years.

I think what helped me the most is not the drug or the therapy, but the actual self-awareness and commitment to change. Not to change to please others, but to change so I could express myself better. To say the things I mean to say. To be eloquent and confident so that no one would misunderstand or mistreat me.

So I put myself in social situations. In college I joined a lot of clubs, met all kinds of people (albeit I would be the quiet one, but I made friends with other shy people!). Since my 20s, I've gone on many dates. A lot. Endured tons of rejections, but these experiences just taught me what to do and what not to do..

I listened to some good audiobooks..
It's the Way You Say It: Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken, and Clear
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Way-You-Say-Well-spoken/dp/1609947436

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450833579&sr=1-1&keywords=the+charisma+myth

Nowadays I'm much more confident in my own skin. I found strategies on how to talk to strangers, coworkers, and often with friends, I'm the center of attention. But if you met me in high school or in my early college years, you'd probably think i'm the weird snobby wallflower.

Sometimes I still am. But hey, we're all works in progress, right? I just take things day by day, trying to improve myself with all the help available out there.

I guess in most things in life, it all starts with accepting yourself. Then determine what the problem is, see if there are solutions to fix it, and seek help from the experts. (side story: I almost broke a new watch, struggling the unlatch the deployment mechanism. Took me 45 mins and almost threw it out. Then I checked YouTube and the answer was in the very first video)

It's too easy to rate our suffering by our pain (but pain is subjective, even though it can be debilitating and IS REAL). In fact, measuring suffering by pain is a metric that 'makes sense,' what could be a better way? I don't know, but I know there is no luck in these things, good or bad. There are simply things we can't control and things we can, things we accept, can't or can- then make choices that we can't always predict the outcome of or even always see we are making.

I remember recently a really similar experience to your wife's apology. I've never heard one that mattered yet, but it was in a conversation where I outlined why what my wife intended in her statements and behavior due to emotional reasoning was as far as I can tell an attempt to elicit a reaction and 'hurt' in me. How it was abusive even though I wasn't hurt and didn't react, that I didn't care if she understands, I don't think she 'bad' for doing it, but I'm me and I find that something I can't and won't accept. It wasn't in a 'me verse her' way. I just waited until she was calm after doing my own thing with my dogs and son, then forced a conversation specifically on that later, wouldn't let her paint feelings or thoughts or intentions on me or change the subject. I criminalized that behavior MORE than I used to, but on a different level I used it as an experience to highlight how in words and actions I keep on and DO accept her for who she is, but it is in opposition to what she does. Then how her continuing that pattern is not enough to keep me here forever. I don't divorce threat and she has enough implied abandonment fear, it wasn't a threat or spoke threateningly, just from a place (I hope) of objective realness to what I feel and what I need and the unchanging truth of both.

That was the first time she on her own was like, huh, wow- yea that was abuse. I think she did say sorry (but they are pretty half-assed and really don't matter when they come so far). In the past she would say 'sorry you got angry' or 'sorry you got your feelings hurt' before telling me how sensitive I am or her behavior 'because of' me or mine or imaginary slights.

I guess my point is that if I think of myself as lucky or unlucky based on things I can't control or (maybe wrongly) accept, if I focus on the struggle rather than the coping, growth, and choices that lessen or end my suffering or avoid it in any ways I can.. like I think the goal is not to suppress our suffering or to (in hidden ways) use it as an excuse for our pain, but instead a realer acceptance of reality now and a chance to get stronger in a way. To not do so, it is too easy to perpetuate the martyrdom that led and locked me here in years past.

I need to take care myself whether I have the unluckiest wife or not. I need to improve my situation and my state and my self-care whether I chose my medical stuff I whine about or not (I didn't), whether my son has a lifetime health issue, whether or not all the things I have on my plate and whether I control them or not- I control me and I have a stronger role today and consequently in my future and fortunes than the luck of the last roll. We aren't static and we aren't weak in this way.

That story of the 'abuse' or apology was not actually what I meant by the only times I've received empathy. I don't really know for sure or care if my wife feels or shares 'real' empathy with me. It would be nice, but I'm not so sure I'd recognize it from where I was when hurt and resentful, even now I would doubt it, but it doesn't much matter what she feels to my life or identity. The times I experience what I think is greater empathy coincide exactly with the times I do NOT accept abuse, am not defensive (but instead protective), and am not allowing her to hurt me. If I couldn't get there in this marriage, I would have a real NEED to leave. If I ever lose whatever growth or changes are happening inside me that allow that, I will have a real need to leave. What I'm trying to say is that no one can empathize with someone that they don't 'see' as a person, as an individual, or as 'themselves'. They can't empathize unless they know 'who' you are and then accept you as yourself on some level. So to me, the times that I am unwaverable in my identity, in who I am, and in my unwillingness to be anyone I'm not or pushed or pulled, to me I've experienced greater empathy from my wife in those times (I believe). Like an understanding that I have feelings and that my feelings matter- because they do- because I do my best to honor them now and be 'me' regardless anything she can say or do. For now, no matter what she storms, rages, tantrums, or threatens I will budge a single inch from that place- and she can't make me.

I think it might bring her a modicum of security in the process and that is a valuable thing to a pwBPD. I don't do it for her though, it never worked when I tried. I like myself too much to return to the place I lived so many years. She's welcome to join me, my hand is out to help her up, but I can't hold my arm out forever and I think she is FINALLY starting to realize this. She may never, mind you, I can't control that and I feel like I will be okay independent the outcomes I can't control.

I think you will too.


EDIT:
This is a really cool quote I feel relates better to what I was trying to say than I could from a book about a guy that succeeded over adversaries. In this part he is talking about what he could do to overcome and grow through the things that he couldn't control- fair or not removed from the equation.
He called this chapter 'The Soft Zone' it's only an excerpt and everything in brackets was me trying to add bits to pull different areas in the chapter to a semblance of a point:

>Another way of envisioning the importance of the Soft Zone is through an ancient Indian parable that has been quite instructive in my life for many years: A man wants to walk across the land, but the earth is covered in thorns. He has two options--one is to pave his road, to tame ALL of nature into his compliance. The other is to make sandals. Making sandals is the internal solution. Like the Soft Zone, it does not base success on a submissive world or overpowering force, but on intelligent preparation and cultivated resilience. ..............The more I'd try to [cope mentioned earlier but omitted here and] block the distractions out the louder it would get in my head. [He felt alone in this problem, started being bothered by things he never noticed before] .....I realized that I could think to the beat of the song [his obstacles / distractions / things making him lose his focus and self] ..I couldn't count on the world to be silent [or caretake him], so my only option was to become at peace with the noise.

He had to accept some things in a newer deeper way. That doesn't mean he had to remain or remain the same, it doesn't mean you have to stay in your marriage or not. I'm not telling you you're doing anything wrong or earning your abuse. I'm saying make your own sandals and figure out where you feel like you want and need to walk. I guess I just really think we all always need to be looking into ourselves with honesty and come to know our strengths and weaknesses or flaws (we all have them!), do what we can for ourselves in inspection of our roles and any way we can grow no matter how much weight we feel (that's strength training right there!) The world won't create a painless path, antagonistic disordered wives certainly won't, they just add more bars for us until we remove them or get broader. IDK, his parable was better without my inputs, I just thought it was a really cool quote from the book 'The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey'

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)

Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.

Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.

Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.

The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.

The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.

That should give you more than enough to chew on.

Don't compare yourself to other people. The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself. Other people are very successful, but they also don't have to deal with some of the things you're dealing with. That's not fair, but you're also not as bad off as some other people in the world; it's all about perspective. Don't let those men take advantage of you. Please respect yourself enough to realize that you deserve happiness; we all do.

Start with small things. You say you barely eat. This has a HUGE effect on your mood and how you feel. Just start by eating a little better each day, fruits and veggies and all that. Then maybe stop drinking a little less. Take little steps. Sure when you look at everything you should change, it's too much. So start small. Smoking has a huge effect on you. You're constantly living in withdrawal from one cigarette to the next. This book made it super easy for me to quit smoking. Maybe it will help you. If you can't afford it, download it. If you don't know how to download it, just PM me and I'll walk you through it.

Hang in there, try to make your life better for yourself. Small steps every day lead you to a better place.

LOVE IT

(I was just going to leave a quick comment and then...well...theres a lot here haha)

This is exactly why I do what I do every single day. I teach 8th grade science in a title 1 NYC school. Priority for me is helping my students become the best version of them as I make the journey myself. I think that age group is ideal for teaching these concepts as they haven't figured out what type of people to be yet or how to get to be that type of people. My content is the tool I use to give them the perspective they need. I get to do genetics/evolution/physics/space/human impact...lets me cover everything about living well.

I happen to have started around 24 and now that I'm 26 and pretty confident in what I've learned and actually done, I share with as many people as I can. I'm lucky enough to teach with my best friend AND get the same 3 classes he does. We've been tag teaming our kids with personal growth materials and speeches and all sorts of things this year....and it's making a noticeable difference in them.

These are a few of my recent reads that I think carry important lessons and then a link to my actual webpage that I put together so I can share and help regular people. I'm in the process of building one dedicated to my students so they have somewhere to go for answers and encouragement as they age. I don't expose my students to these sources of information, I just absorb and integrate it into what I teach.

Good luck! And keep it up! We need more real teachers, it's not about memorizing facts it's about becoming human.

[The Celestine Prophecy: An Adventure] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446671002/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_986UAbV1ES609)

[Ego Is the Enemy] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591847818/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_.96UAbDFHSW0S)

[The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591846358/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_W-6UAbZ3NTY0A)

My own webpage [Earthling Healing] (https://sites.google.com/view/earthlinghealing/personal-growth?authuser=0)

Best way to get around it is to practice and gauge reaction from different people and use this to plan your timing in the future. I'd start with small stories that you know down pat and have memorized like an actor would have memorized a script.

You also might try not telling stories in strict chronological order. Like in writing an essay, you want to open up with something big--your true subject of the story.
My friend told me a story recently and he opened up with something like, "Do you know what it's like to be stung on the dick by a jelly fish? I found out this weekend." Of course, my reaction was "What?! Tell me how that happened."
If he opened up the story with, "So, this weekend I went on a date with a girl on her boat." I'd be less inclined to be interested in his story beyond the fact that I care about him and I want him to have a nice date. If I didn't know him as well, and he had opened up with how his date went and THEN told me about his dick getting stung, I might actually think he was a little odd--like he tricked me into listening to a story about a date so he could talk to me about his dick. I'd feel a little off-putted by it. By opening with telling me he was on a date, the subject of the story is the date, not being stung on the dick. The humor is either lost or made by how he opens the story.

Just for a note, being stung on the dick by a jellyfish is truly painful and I don't recommend trying it, especially on a date.

You also might want to work on setting the beats to your story. My father is an ENFJ and he's particularly good at telling stories and gauging reactions in anticipation of his audience. He will switch out details and add on parts to stories depending on his audience and the environment he's telling the story in. Stories have comedic beats and it's good to make sure you're following a formula that most people are accustom to. Here's an article outlining what beats are and how to use them for a job interview.. Here's a beat outline for TV show writing. Although you probably want this for just general conversation, knowing how dialogue works within a script could help you figure out how to plan your story for real life.

Also, you might want to figure out specifically why they're not reacting. Was it at a bad time? Does the person find your story inappropriate or distasteful? Was it just a boring story generally?
Any one of these could illicit a negative reaction irrespective of good story telling. Reading body language helps with this tremendously--as I'm sure you know--pointed feet away from you means they're trying to leave a conversation. Holding someone in a conversation they don't want to be in in the first place will make any great story flop.

I'd also watch standup comedy. This may sound silly, but these guys are essentially professional story tellers. You wouldn't want to use the exact same techniques that a standup would on stage, but I'd take notes on things like how they start and finish the story, when they break to pause ect. Another good place to watch comedians is when they're interviewed--this is a more natural environment that requires two people to engage in conversation and requires one of them to tell a few light stories to entertain the host and audience.

I often start a story and realize it's boring and pointless. At this point I'll stop my boring ass story by switching to being self depreciating humor, making light of how bad my story is that I'm telling. It allows myself an out while letting the other person know that I'm aware that I'm telling the worst story ever and we can just laugh about it and move on instead of them feeling like they're trapped.

EDIT:
Here are some books that might interest you:
Long Story Short: The Only Storytelling Guide You'll Ever Need

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism

How to Win Friends & Influence People


The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills

Also, good luck dude! You'll get better and just keep practicing. :)

This is good advice, but I don't think it's a very in-depth description. It's kind of like when someone asks for dating advice and people say "just be yourself!" Yeah, that's sort of right, but it doesn't tell you how.

Again, yours, and all the others' suggestions are great, but there is so much that goes in to cultivating a positive vibe, or rather, a charismatic vibe.

There are 3 Charismatic behaviors:

• Presence
  
• Power
  
• Warmth
  
  To be able create these behaviors, you have to be in charismatic mental states. A lot of things effect your ability to create these charismatic mental states, and you have to know how to manage certain challenges that come up that can throw you out of your charismatic mental state.
  
  There are also different charismatic styles and you need to find yours.
  
  
• Focus Charisma -- Presence and Confidence -- Example: Elon Musk, cofounder of PayPal and current CEO of Tesla Motors
  
• Visionary Charisma -- Belief and Confidence -- Example: Steve Jobs, cofounder, CEO of Apple Inc.
  
• Kindness Charisma -- Warmth and Confidence -- Example: the current Dalai Lama
  
  You have to learn how to speak and listen with charisma, and you also have to have charismatic body language.
  
  Any way, theres a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. The book covers the stuff I mentioned above. This will cover ALL the stuff you need to give off charismatic (or positive) vibes

Sorry for the delay in answering, been busy.

Cold email is tough. There is a huge amount of psychology that goes into getting high open rates from decent people.

There are ways to get 95% open rates on email. With weight-loss as the example, you could get a crazy open rate with a subject line of "Pic's of your husband/boyfriend you need to see" and target women.

You could do the same in reverse when targeting men, but you can be assured you would rarely make a sale.

Some of the most successful open rates I have seen have been from question based subject lines, but unless they've opted in, your success rate will be dismal.

Cold emails should be very specifically targeted and work better in the B2B field compared to any others.

This is a great resource for cold emails (https://salesfolk.com/blog/). They dig deep into why and have a free course. It's worth it, just don't buy anything. Anything you need to know about marketing online is available free on YouTube, social media and blogs, you just have to test and sift the wheat from the chaff.

Now, for weight-loss, you would be better off with a blog, awesome content and guest posting.

I personally hate wasting time and resources, so I tend to build long term assets, like a blog/website or Facebook fan type pages.

I would then build squeeze pages for opt ins so everyone that get's your email has already shown an interest.

SEO is cheap if you DIY, Facebook ads are cheap if you understand a few human "triggers". One of the first things ever marketer needs is "Persuasion, the psychology of influence" (https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X) - (Not an affiliate link).

Copywriting is the biggest part of conversion no matter the traffic method. The more targeted the message, the better the results.

This video will give you some serious insight. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sene4XqYvLE

Now, for most niches, you have to tone the hard pitch down, but the principles still apply and are very effective.

Learn to mix story telling into your copy and you have a beast once you get it fine tuned.

This should be enough to get you pointed in the right direction.

There's a really great book on this topic called The art of learning by Joshua Waitzkin.

I can not recommend that book enough, it's very short and easy to read.

A lot of people think of skills as, a "ladder". You climb this ladder step-by-step as you practise.

But skill is a lot more like a landscape, with hills and valleys, peaks and pits. Think of it like you are pushing a ball in this landscape. If you're pushing a ball up a hill, and stop midway. The ball will roll down and you have to start over. Some times in this landscape there will be plateaus where you can rest without the ball rolling down.

And sometimes you will play a certain style and reach a hills peak. How does one improve if you've reached such a peak? You have to be willing to walk down this hill, in order to climb a larger mountain. This means, you have to be willing to go down in skill, momentarily, in order to improve in the long term. But that's okay, because if you have reached one hill peak before, your legs will be stronger and better able to climb the next peak.

This way of looking at skill, also highlights how people can play with completely different styles, and do equally well. There are many hills and peaks - not just one ladder.

In short, what I'm trying to get at, is that to improve, you have to force yourself out of your comfortzone. Figure out what your weaknesses are, and turn them in to strengths.

> The key to pursuing excellence is to embrace an organic, long-term learning process, and not to live in a shell of static, safe mediocrity. Usually, growth comes at the expense of previous comfort or safety.

You're welcome! All relationships are different, so I don't want to over-generalize or give advice that may harm yours when a more specific approach for your situation might have happier and longer-lasting results. It sounds like your boyfriend has some challenges to face about trust. I can say I've been there. A healthy relationship is one of the best arenas for working on that, especially if you are understanding and work with him to build that. I don't know how long your relationship was long-distance, but speaking from experience, being in an LDR and overthinking things can lead to a lot of personal trust hurdles that lead to imagined issues.

I would start digging around the internet for articles and techniques for "building trust in a relationship." Sift through them and see if there's anything you can do from your end. Maybe there's something you could show him and talk about together.

Your approach to handling the interested guy is something you should develop for yourself. Figure out effective ways that you're comfortable using in those situations. You may need to begin with a "hard no" in situations and slowly ease into more tactful techniques as you gain confidence. It may be as simple as being direct and asking the guy in class if he's looking to date you. If he says yes, you can tell him you're in a happy relationship and not available. Reading your response immediately made me think of this book that always catches my eye when I see it sitting on my therapist's shelf. I haven't read it, but the material seems applicable.

Communication is key in a committed relationship. You should both have an idea of what your ideal relationship looks like. You should both know that about each other, too. If there's a mismatch, those are things that need to be talked about. There may be some deal-breakers there, but it's far more painful to hide from those and let the tension build up over time than to cut the cord now.

> No, of course it's possible, but it's representative of cronyism rather than free market capitalism.

So then by your own admission, just because it's cronyism, doesn't mean it's not capitalism.

> Free market capitalism opposes government intervention, thus any cronyism that involves utilization of the government cannot be defined as free market capitalism. Maybe we have different ideas about what exactly "free market capitalism" means, but it's a term that literally implies lack of government intervention. Plus, if all property/resources are 100% privately owned and individuals have complete ownership over their land and society is only based off free trade, there can be no state. If you don't give the government what it needs to fund cronyism, it's going to have a pretty hard time doing so. When the government, which is publicly funded, is given less power (and less power to engage in cronyism), and private individuals take its place in certain aspects of society, that could be seen as leaning more towards free market capitalism.

If we're going to argue over free market capitalism, it's fair enough to say that government intervention isn't representative of that in practice. However I'll go one step further, free markets not only can't exist, but they never have. Not in the early history of the US, not anywhere.

> Not capitalism. Government spending is not capitalism. Government spending in a capitalist country still ≠ capitalism.

So now you've switched here between saying that it's not free market capitalism, to it's not capitalism at all. Capitalism doesn't stand in contrast to government participation in a market system, and State capitalism has been known to be a real phenomenon.

> I believe the point you're trying to make is that the implementation of capitalism itself is what has led to the government we have now, is that correct?

No, what I'm saying is idealized attempts to implement free markets in practice, never end up the way that libertarians and anarcho-capitalists want them to. That's why in other threads I've said, while it's not a perfect example by any means, aren't countries like Somalia and Mozambique far closer to a free market system in action? Some of them even think Hong Kong and Singapore are closer examples, but it's simply not true, and profit is rarely the factor (at least in the psychological literature) that drives most of us to do what we do.

> Describing government as a corruptible actor is understating it. The government itself is a very active actor, and at the very heart of it is corruption. The fact that it has a monopoly on the legitimized use of force and is allowed to use violence to achieve its goals is the problem. It takes a certain mindset to allow any entity (even if it symbolizes the public) to have this kind of power, and that is at the heart of the problem. All people, whether they’re business owners or regular workers, are susceptible to greed. This greed can emerge as an incentive to produce, or it can lead to cronyism. The worst thing to do would be to justify allowing the government to act as some sort of medium for cronyism. It is the government which people are okay with being taxed and governed by, not businesses.

Right, and as you admit, this is no more peculiar to government than it is to big businesses, so to single it out for special criticism is simply mistaken. If anything in the absence of governments, corporations essentially have free reign, and the incentive structures in capitalism are perverse enough, that I view it as ultimately unsustainable in the opposite direction.

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Description|Hi guys! Today we are discussing the 6th habit, Synergize from the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. If you haven’t checked habits 1-5 yet, make sure you check it out in my channel. It is important to understand the principles behind the previous habits so we can effectively apply Synergy. The application of Habit 6 in our daily life will lead us to finding the better way when working with other people. By the end of this video, you will learn how to effectively work with others to always find the best solution to a problem.⤶⤶Check the 7 habits playlist here: http://bit.ly/7habitsplaylist⤶Get your Free 2 Audiobook here: https://amzn.to/32qgBkW⤶You can check the physical book here: https://amzn.to/2PlUR6P (Amazon Affiliate Link)⤶⤶Background Music:⤶Campfire by Scandinavianz https://soundcloud.com/scandinavianz⤶Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0⤶Free Download / Stream: https://bit.ly/_campfire⤶Music promoted by Audio Library https://youtu.be/9Rfykh-YzCc⤶⤶Graphics and Art:⤶https://www.canva.com⤶https://www.pexels.com⤶https://www.freepik.com⤶⤶Programs: VideoScribe and Photoshop⤶⤶#synergize #7habitsofhighlyeffectivepeople #habit6 #stevencovey

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It is actually very easy to cause the average person to follow you. You can learn it from a book. Also, some people have a values system that legitimately ranks safety over liberty. I see no easy way to deal with that.

The only proposals for transitioning to a basic income/post-scarcity state that I have found ask that during the transition, people will still need to have incentives to work. Not all people have a "goodness of their hearts" out of which they will work for society and receive no rewards. Many people will work for largely, or only, social rewards (i.e. being respected for keeping the community running) - but structuring a community sociologically so that it rewards people who work with increased status is going to be very difficult (possibly nearly impossible). Several orders of magnitude easier is to provide physical rewards and luxuries for working for society, and let the social rewards grow from things like having the newest cars, being located in better areas, etc. as it does now. In such an arrangement, corruption will happen. This is not a question. This is a prediction that is very strong, given what I know about human nature.

I do not know if it is possible to Good Societal Memeplex one's way to a legit non-coercive anarcho-communist society. I think that it is a really cool end goal, but I don't know if we can make literally everyone adhere to it without exercising coercion at the educational level, by instilling very strong collective values in children, which incidentally prevents parents from raising their children in all the ways they currently do. Which is an imposition on the parents' freedom. Closely related question: is government propaganda to make people adhere to the standards of society coercive? How about peer pressure?

Is banding together to "rehabilitate" (or, more realistically, punish) someone who defects on the social contract (i.e. by killing his wife for cheating, which has existed as a crime-of-passion for millions of years and will exist as long as humans retain our current neurology) coercive?

Hey! First, the purging thing. I highly recommend getting this book! Set aside a day, read it while you're going through all your belongings, and follow her suggestions. It's SO helpful and makes the entire process streamlined and easy.

Looking for an apartment can be overwhelming, but I know you can do it :) I've had 3 different apartments in the past 4 years, and the whole process was really foreign to me at first too. I can PM you some tips and things to look out for so I don't clog up this thread haha.

As far as making friends go, I'm still struggling with that. I was lucky that my best friend decided to move with me (1000 miles from our hometown!), but I've tried to make some new friends too. I mostly "hang out" with coworkers because I don't know how to meet people either. You could try signing up for things and meeting people there? Sign up for a gym and take a free class there, or maybe try one of those Paint Nites where you drink and paint! Usually by the end people are looking at each other's paintings and chatting and having a nice time :) I hope this helps a little!

Love your points. Gonna do a breakdown on them using the 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, a next level book on understanding the self and how to be the best version of yourself.

• He is able to identify what is bothering him and is able to talk about it. The two big Pillars here are Living Consciously and Self-Acceptance. Clearly, as you stated, he is able to express and understand his emotions. Those who operate with a legit level of consciousness and who accept who they are have a huge advantage when it comes to understanding and accepting (and thus being able to honestly express) their own emotions. Personal Integrity is also clearly present here as he could have lied to the coach or feigned injury, but instead spoke truth.
  
  
• The kid is Living Purposefully. He cares. Perhaps he feels like he is shirking his Self-Responsibility by not doing as well as he would like?
  
  
• Here, Self-Acceptance, Self-Responsibility, and Personal Integrity are weighing hard against Living Purposefully. He thinks he's not getting anything done. But his timesense is skewed. As a 12 year old, he only has a good catalogue of roughly 1 year worth of memories.
  
  
• "He's listening to his coach." He Trusts his coach. He believes (whether intrinsically or explicitly) in his coach. It is not a coincidence that those with the highest self-esteem are the most easily followed. Think of the person in your life who exhibits the greatest Personal Integrity. Do you trust them? Do you want them to be proud of you?
  

I think the first step in starting to change your style would be to start a Pinterest mood/inspiration board and start pinning photos of looks or general style that you think you'd like. Once you have enough photos you'll start seeing certain items, themes and moods repeating there. Once you've got that down, go through your entire wardrobe and get rid/sell/donate any clothes that don't fit your new preferred look or that you just aren't into anymore (I personally really liked doing KonMari on my wardrobe). Once you have a half empty wardrobe with only the bare essentials, you can start slowly building up your new look by buying new items. Always stick to your style board's vision and don't make purchases like "oh but this top has cute cats on it!!". Those purchases comes after you've built a functional wardrobe that gets you through work, free time and being at home. By then you will have such a good sense of your style and wardrobe that you can buy the cute cat shirt and know that it will go with the majority of your wardrobe.

This was the way I approached my style revamp, but it's obviously down to the individual and whatever works for you. I was in a very similar position as you two years ago, hitting 30 made me want to purge the teenage years' influences from my wardrobe and replace it with something that reads a bit more adult, but still me.

I have a board on Pinterest for simple outfit formulas that show a kind of distilled version of my aspirational style. Maybe some of this is relevant to your style preferences as well? There's lots of flats, jeans, cashmere knits, warm coats, cigarette trousers and sensible boots. Add some sexy perfume, a classic watch and some Chanel nailpolish, heh. I suck at summer style but this is my inspo/mood board for that.

Also, looking at your photos I think your style is already quite nice. It's cute and girly but not juvenile if that's what you're worried about. But if you feel in your heart that it's time for change, then embrace it and enjoy the journey!

Online courses are really hit or miss. Most college courses on "business" don't really teach how to start or run a small business. They either teach big business... how to work in a large corporation... or how to create a startup. Both of those are markedly different from starting and running a small business (even an online one).

There are some great books about starting and running a small business, though. Here are a few of my favorites:

Financial Intelligence for Entrepreneurs

This is an excellent book on business finances for the non-accounting types. I took accounting classes in college but never really got what all the financial reports really meant to my business' health. This will teach you what's important in the reports, what you should look out for, and how to read them. This is critically important for a small business owner to understand, even if you plan to hire a bookkeeper and accountant.

The E-myth Revisited by Michael Gerber

Awesome book about building systems in your business to really grow it to the point where it's not just a job for the owner. It's easy to read and probably one of the top 5 business books of all time.

Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey

This is a good book and covers several different aspects of entrepreneurship from hiring and managing employees to marketing, setting the vision, etc. It's hokey at times, but is a good read.

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey

Not necessarily a "small business" book, but easily my top #1 book recommendation of all time. It's hugely applicable to any professional, or anyone really. I re-read this book every couple of years and still get more out of it after almost 20 years.

Getting Things Done by David Allen

THE productivity book. Even if you only absorb and implement 25% of the strategies in this book it will make a huge difference in your level of productivity. It's really the game-changing productivity system. This is one of the biggest problems with small business owners - too much to do and no organization. Great read.

Articles from reputable sources are a decent source of knowledge, but some quality business books will get you an infinitely better understanding of concepts. Here is my personal business book list if you want to get a "universal generalist" understanding of business:

• Business Creation - The Lean Start-up
  
• Value Creation - How to Make Millions With Your Ideas
  
• Marketing - Getting Everything You Can Out Of Everything You Got / All Marketers Are Liars
  
• Sales - Pitch Anything
  
• Value Delivery - Indispensable
  
• Accounting/Finances - Financial Intelligence / Accounting Made Simple
  
• Understanding the Human Mind - Making Sense of Behavior
  
• Productivity - Getting Things Done
  
• Problem Solving - The 80/20 Principle
  
• Decision Making - Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Decisions
  
• Negotiation - 3-D Negotiation
  
• Management - Growing Great Employees
  
• Project Management - Making Things Happen
  
• Statistics - Marketing Metrics
  
• Corporate Knowledge - The Effective Executive
  
• Corporate Strategy - Purpose: The Starting Point of Great Companies
  
• Creativity - The Creative Habit
  
• Personal Finance - Your Money or Your Life
  
  I am graduating with a Bachelor of Commerce Honors degree in May and I can easily say that one of these books (average price ~25$) has significantly more content than most individual classes I have taken (~600$). However, keep in mind that business knowledge and business acumen are two entirely different things. Knowledge is easily obtainable through books like these, and acumen is the result of applied experience with decision making. In short, it is one thing to be book smart, but it is another to get out there and actually apply it. No one can give you that in the form of an article or book - you have to do that yourself.
  
  edit: added links to amazon

The biggest difference maker between a high level player who plays for fun and pro gamers is Deliberate Practice.

If you're going to rise from 1800 mmr to pro level, you'll need deliberate practice, and a lot of it. If you're not familiar with the term, here are a couple books and an article to introduce you to the subject. Learning these techniques will have benefits far beyond dota.

The first goal is to prepare your fundamentals. There are plenty of other comments in this thread to help you there. You should build a working knowledge of every hero in dota. How? Don't just play games. For every single hero in dota, do the following.

• watch a guide video to learn the hero. Learn their combos, playstyle.
  
• watch a pro replay. Take notes.
  
• go into demo mode. CS with no items for 10 minutes. I don't care if it's fucking Techies. You need to know how to lasthit at heroes you want to play. Spawn some enemies and practice the stuff you saw the pro doing. If you're not sure how to do something, find a video that breaks it down.
  
• Play a game as that hero
  
• Go back into demo mode and do no items CS for 10 minutes.
  
• practice some more combos.
  
• play 2-4 more games on the hero.
  
  At this point, ask yourself if you can see yourself playing this hero long term. You should be looking to whittle down the pool from ~115 to ~20. If so:
  
  
• watch your worst replay and take notes.
  
• play at least 10 more games on that hero. Watch replays of the worst ones and take notes.
  
  At this point, you should have 700-800 games of dota under your belt. If you haven't improved to at least ~3.5k during this whole process (yes I know you've been learning heroes.), then pro dota is not in the cards for you.
  
  If you have improved, choose AT MOST 5 heroes, the best heroes you've got, to become your hero pool. Why? Because once you've learned the fundamentals, everything you can improve upon requires playing against better players. The longer you're in the trench, the longer you're solidifying bad habits. You're getting away with stuff that will be punished at higher mmr. Therefore...
  
  The second goal is to gain MMR. Like, at least 5000 higher than your current MMR. One important thing to realize is that it's possible to obtain a high MMR without any concept of teamwork whatsoever. You can begin working on your teamwork now, but KEEP IN MIND that this practice can be counterproductive at low MMR, as many patterns you will learn will change as you get better.
  
  Spam. Get a coach. Tryhard. Watch replays. Get yourself out of the trench. DON'T buy an account. Don't rely on your teammates. Watch replays, take notes. Win at all costs. We want to be playing against better players.
  
  If you actually make it to 6k, I think you'll know enough to be able to know how to take the next step.
  
  Good luck!

> Do you have any recommendations on motivation and feelings of accomplishment? Nowdays I have zero motivation to do anything and I don't get any feeling of accomplishment or joy from accomplishing what I had thought were my goals.

> I got the same feeling from getting a promotion as I did when I just slept and stayed in bed all day.

This may be a case of every problem looking like a nail when you've got a hammer, but it sounds like philosophy could be beneficial. Motivation is something that I've always struggled with, and there's no effective way that I've found to really manipulate it. What did work is really thinking about what I want out of life, what my goals really are, and what I value. After I figured that out (on going process), motivation was a lot easier becasue I had a clear target and knew what I wanted to do.

I didn't get any joy from practising the guitar because it wasn't what I really cared about. But when I know what I'm doing is getting me closer to what I really want in life, then the sense of accomplishment comes easily. If you're not getting a sense of accomplishment from getting a promotion, then that's likely becasue you don't think that that gets you closer to living the life you want.

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us could be a good starting point, and then I'd follow it up with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck for an easy introduction to stoic philosophy.

EDIT: Stoic philosophy is what helped me, but that doesn't mean it'll do the same for you. I did a fair bit of reading on other subjects before finding something that worked. That's why it's important to just put the time in; it's the only way you'll find what works for you.

So, i picked up this book two days ago. I finished it yesterday and went nuts on my wardrobe.

The premise of the book is to take out and handle everything you own and keep only things that make you feel joyful. It sounds totally hippy crazy stuff, and the author is bonkers in the best possible way, but the book is insanely inspiring and motivational and I've just filled two huge black trash bags of clothes to take to goodwill. I feel amazing! I mean, I didn't have much to start with, but EVERYTHING in my closet right now makes me feel amazing. it fits, it's comfortable, it makes me look great... I keep opening my closet and grinning :)

Next up, going through the book case and keeping only the stuff I really love and read over and over again (90% of my books are now on my kindle anyway) and tossing all that nasty old curry stained tupperware from my kitchen! I'm so excited to have a house in which everything makes me happy :)

If he can't tell the difference he needs his ears cleaned out. With a power drill. From the opposite side.

Cause he doesn't have a hearing problem; he has a listening-to-his-mate problem. And a (lack of) thinking problem.

I'll borrow from WessenRhein's post with this modification: His mommy doesn't think she's the Number Three Parent; she thinks she's the Number ONE Parent. You are apparently a day-care provider, expected to keep her up to date on HER child.

Please excuse my lack of politeness: Fuck that noise.

MIL's expectations are beyond unreasonable. They're beserk. D(u)H is enmeshed, enabling & requires getting his head set straight right now.

1. You grew LO inside you & gave birth. YOU are the #1 parent.
   
   
2. He's #2; his required loyalty is to you and LO.
   
   
3. His Mommy isn't parent # anything. Not 3, not 27, not 203.
   
   Grandparenting (her role) is to assist & support the two of you. It's a privilege rather than a right. She's un-entitled to ANY information; y'all share with her what you jointly agree is appropriate. This means two yesses are required: Y'all agree. Either of you says 'no' about sharing a particular piece of information, it remains un-shared.
   
   Cause His Mate & His Child come before His Mommy. Maybe when he was nine years old, Mommy came first. Seeing as how he's married to you & is LO's father, Mommy is no longer #1.
   
   Speaking directly to DH: Bud, grow the fuck up. Stop expecting your MATE, the woman who has partnered with you in adult life (& who not incidentally shares her heart, mind & body with you) to Keep Your Mommy Happy^tm
   
   Mommy is entitled to nothing. She gets what the two of you, as adults, graciously share. It's not your Partner's responsibility to prioritize communication with your mother over taking care of LO, taking care of herself or over anything.
   
   Your mother's expectations are beyond unreasonable; they're NUTS. One doesn't reason with crazy; one imposes limits. Calmly, rationally, firmly. It's excellent practice for when LO is three, cause Mommy is acting like an entitled three year old. Be fair, friendly & FIRM. If she tantrums, put her in time out - cut communication entirely for a week. Every time a time out is required, it should be double the previous one: 2X, 4X, 8X. This progression tends to, ah, Get the Offender's Attention and to convince them you're serious (you are).
   
   Your mom isn't a reporter or newscaster. It's Not Her Job to find & breathlessly report the details of other folks lives even if she thinks it is.
   
   You might want to look into When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
   
   They're excellent resources for a guy interested in being a Man.
   
   And love & respect your Mate. She's earned it: Your mother
   raised you; your Mate CHOSE you.
   

I see what you mean now. I don't know ALL of the things you want to manifest, but some of the things you mentioned here sound like skills that one can simply develop, such as charisma. Charisma makes you attractive, likeable, trustworthy, more likely to be promoted and paid more, and so on. There's a great book that teaches how to develop charisma, I found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947

Best of luck to you!

Hey there buddy.

I'm an alcoholic and smoked for 15 years until 8 months ago. I know exactly how you feel and totaly hear what you said in that comment and wanted to share how I quit, cause I tried a million times and couldn't do it until I tried this as a last whim before trying Chantix, which I really didn't want to do.


It sounds crazy, but it was a book with the cheesiest title ever. The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr.


It's hard to explain, but this worked for me, a pack and a half a day smoker of 15 days. Put this book down and put down my last cigarette with it (you're supposed to keep smoking while you read it) and never picked one up again. The craziest part was it actually wasn't that hard. It's called the easy way and it actually made it pretty easy. After that, I loaned it to a friend of mine who was a pack a day smoker for longer than me. He read it in two days and quit also. He is still clean, too. The best way I can describe it is that it made me realize I will not only still enjoy, but enjoy everything I did while smoking even more. Even if it's just standing outside breathing air instead of smoking.


I probably sound like I'm trying to sell books here but I'm really just trying to help another alcoholic smoker quit one deadly vice. Hell, I wlil buy you this book if you want to promise me you'll read it. Just PM me.


Good luck!

It's hard, and the fear seems like sticky tar that won't shake off.

You're young and have an exciting long journey of improvement ahead of you.
The core thing to focus on is self-confidence, but what does that mean?

Confidence that you are good enough just as you are, because honestly, even though I know almost nothing about you, you really are. Learn to define your self worth from within, because there is literally only one person on this planet who has the right to define that worth. You can choose to define yourself by the irrational fear of how the 'other' perceives you, but what you're really doing is defining yourself by your own self-consciousness, which is in fact yourself anyway. Learn to love yourself and no amount of hate or doubt will crack your spirit.

If you're worried about your looks, then work on them. Not because others will like you more, but for the pure and simple personal reason that it will make you feel better. Get acne medicine, face wash, workout, and eat well. Always treat yourself with the advice you would give someone you loved.

The last thing you ever want to do is approach girls with neediness. It makes you nervous because there are stakes at play, and it bleeds through your body language. You said you're fine talking with other guys, probably because you don't need anything from them. They are not tied to your self worth as it seems you've done so for women. You need a girlfriend because everyone else has one, there's something wrong with you because you don't. Fuck that.

One last thing, don't put all the pressure on keeping an interesting conversation on yourself, it makes no sense to do this. Conversation is a two way street, if you ask an open ended question and they don't give an interesting response or enough material then that's not on you.

'What do you do for fun?'

"I dunno, watch movies..."

You'll feel pressure, don't fucking say 'cool...'. I've seen so many conversations die because of this.

The most valuable thing you can do is become comfortable with the pressure and silence. Fight the pressure to say something. In fact, do this, next time you find yourself in a conversation, or a group conversation, pause and count 2-3 full seconds everytime someone finishes saying something. Only then can you say something. It might feel awkward, but just trust me, get used to it.

The most interesting thing to most people is themselves, learn to become interested in that (what makes the other person tick) and conversations become naturally interesting. That's the important thing, what makes people tick. 'Oh you like rap music? That's pretty aggressive music, are you an aggressive person?'. The topic of conversation doesn't matter, because they are all avenues to get to know who the other person is.

EDIT: One last book...

First off, congrats on your progress, I know for sure 68lbs is a big piece of work ;) Actually, I can relate to that story so much, it's unreal. I started changing habits in the beginning of 2015 (cutting candy and soda, walking more), and seriously got into loosing it and starting to exercise in July/August, at that point weighing in at 135kg, my highest being around 145, so we've lost quite the same amount, in a similar time frame, even my goal weight is the same - 85-90kg :)

I've also been on a really stubborn plateau twice in a row now, it's so discouraging. For me it's not family, but colleagues and friends around me that I have to watch eating that "delicious" junk (while teasing me with it), and the stress is at work ;)

Just don't give up and do what you know is right, allow youself some(!) slack during the holidays. But don't stop to log, even if only roughly.

I smoked basically a pack a day for 15 years, and quit over night in October. As for you, the cigarettes were an appetite and hunger killer, so it was easy to maintain 1500 cals and less (6'2" male, just turned 34), once I quit it got a little harder after a few days (as tastebuds regenerate and things taste so much more intense, you wouldn't believe).

I HIGHLY recommend Allen Carr's book "The Easyway to Stop Smoking". You don't need any replacement such as carrots, and you don't have to deal have withdrawal symptoms and a hard time with it, stopping smoking is nothing but a liberation and in the end is actually suprisingly easy. I wouldn't have believed a book would make a difference, but this book is probably one of the most helpful and important I've read in my life. Read it, you have nothing to loose.

As you said, some days it's harder than others... But don't pressure yourself, what's the hurry? We can do this, let's have at it! Good luck and have a nice few days off, and let's look forward to a thoroughly successful and superlative 2016 :) Cheers

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (2012) by Olivia Fox Cabane

From a Forbes Magazine interview of Cabane:
> What are your top three charisma enhancing techniques?
>
> Stare like a lover, stand like a gorilla, speak like a preacher. Here's what I mean: you want deep, but warm eye contact. You want a stance that broadcasts power and confidence. And you want to speak in a slow, confident, resonant and warm voice. A great preacher is the perfect metaphor for this: he cares about his people (warmth), he has the confidence that the weight of God is with him (power), and he is fervently focused about his mission (presence).

My first band (and second one, for that matter) focused wholly on original material.

In the 2nd one trying to corral four people in a room on a consistent basis was our biggest challenge, let alone make some creative spark happen without it all devolving into distractions. We ended up just jamming on chords and going nowhere.

Back to the first - few of us had any experience. One classically trained guitarist who was very good, another guitarist on an acoustic who had pure talent and could make almost anything he played sound good, a singer/poet with personality, humor, and his own style, and me, the guy who thought "I can play bass."

That band (still my favorite) met at least once a week, played for at least an hour or two (sometimes more, rarely less) when we got together, and worked up nothing but original material for the few short months we were together. I still have a tape of our songs, all recorded in a single small room on a 4-track. It's rough, but beautiful, and we were all growing together as musicians. I still know those songs and am still proud of the creativity that spawned them.

The key I've found in playing since then is to be yourself and have fun most of all. As you play more, you'll get better, even if you're getting bored practicing. Victor Wooten has some interesting points to make on practicing in this book, The Music Lesson. Highly recommended.

God, this is something I've thought about a lot...

I lived in Japan when I was in college, and one of the biggest things I noticed was the huge difference the two cultures have on learning, what I ended up calling The Cult of Originality and The Cult of Mastery.

In The Cult of Mastery, the Japanese method, originality isn't valued as highly as the complete mastery of the fundamentals, followed by the mastery of an already existing style. After multiple styles are mastered, that's when the learner can start melding them together, to create something unique, and perhaps his own style, but this is an afterthought, not the goal.

The other side of the coin is the American Cult of Originality, in which the goal is to create new material from day one, and the fundamentals are only a stepping stone to that creation of your own new material.

To put this in return top terms, in Japan, a flawless execution of a routine in Jensen Kimmet's style will score higher in a competition than a flawed original execution. In America, the reverse is true, originality will always win.

My biggest takeaway from all of this, as an American, is to not give a shit if people think my style is derivative. I've only been taking throwing seriously for about nine months, which ain't a long time. I will keep drilling the fundamentals, and mimicking styles I like, all with the faith that originality will come at when those fundamentals are not enough.

If you like this line of thinking, I would really recommend the books The Art of Learning (by the guy who Searching for Bobby Fisher was based on, who became a world champion in martial arts later on in life), The Road to Excellence (which is expensive, but you can find pdfs of on the internet), Malcom Gladwell's Outliers, and The Book of Five Rings

I work in the marketing industry and every attempt I've seen to make something "viral" or "big" has always failed miserably. If you think about it, this is not how news is made. In reality, the idea of ​​publicizing something suddenly changes too often, too quickly into an imposition that never arouses interest but rejection and makes one look like a religious preacher.

​

The best example of how stoicism can regain attention are Ryan Holiday's works "The Obstacle Is the Way," "Ego Is the Enemy," and soon "Stillness Is the Key." As he describes in his book on marketing called "Perennial Seller" (I can highly recommend this book to anyone who can't get the question of this discussion out of his head) and his first podcast interview at the Tim Ferriss Show, no one ever wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and thinks: "I desperately need a 2000-year-old philosophy from the antiquity," but people can't fall to sleep in the evening, because of the thought: "I need a solution to my problems very quickly." That's why Ryan wrote a practical book with concrete lessons & advice and not a systemic essay on the philosophical "school" of the Stoics.

​

It is said that stoicism is not the philosophy of the retired monk, but that of the worker in the marketplace; a person who wants to create things and pushes forward what concerns. At such places, Stoicism is really "taught". It's a practical philosophy which should be lived and shown by example in the work you do. And maybe after the work is done, you drink a beer with your colleagues and if the situation presents itself you tell them about the philosophy you're currently studying. This is how it reached popularity from the beginning, and it is how its representatives said how it was meant to be taught.

In the everyday business of the agency in which I work, topics related to stoicism often come up, as it does in any real workplace. If it seems helpful in solving the problem of the client, I give advice that I have learned while studying the Stoics, sometimes I even quote them. For me, these are the moments when philosophy comes alive and really leaves a lasting impression on people.

​

What of course can happen then is that someone can be a stoic, but he does not know it, because he is more busy acting righteously than wondering what his lifestyle could be called. This leads to the fact that Stoicism is less proclaimed. But this is what distinguishes this school of thought from so many others and makes me appreciate it so much: the primary focus of it, is that ist LIVED more than talked.

If I were to be given the choice of whether everyone in the world should know what Stoicism is or whether everyone should act like a Stoic, I would always choose the latter.

​

I trust that the things beyond my control, such as my fellow men understanding that philosophical action is the groundwork of a good life, will fall into places. And in my opinion, there already have been "successes", if you want to call them like that:

Ryan's practical books on stoicism have sold hundreds of thousands of copies.

Here in Germany, the author Ferdinand von Schirach, who is currently being hold up as the most important writer in the country, quotes in his current work "Kaffee & Zigaretten" (English: "Coffee & Cigarets", not translated yet), which until last week was #1 on the Spiegel Bestsellerliste, Epictetus, provides background information to the life of the philosopher and tells of his first encounter with the "Enchiridion." In another work, he writes: "Marcus Aurelius says that the purpose of life is right action, and the secret of life is life itself. I doubt that a man can know more than that, for me this is all."

​

So in response to the question of this discussion, I would say that we should diligently fulfill our duties, do what needs to be done, and tackle the issues that are affecting us. In solving them, the teaching of the Stoics will show through by righteous action, inspire people and thus spread by itself.

This book changed my life it sounds dumb, but I'm such a fucking slob, but my room is the neatest it's ever been, and getting rid of stuff has never felt less stressful. I've been at it for about 4 months, and when I backslide a bit it takes no time to get back... Also, I never thought I'd be into folding my clothes, but I love how neat and tidy my wardrobe is... It feels like I'm honoring the clothes I love to wear.

Oh, buy a plunger before you need it. Look at the cost of cleaning supplies at lowes or home depot and by everything but windex off brand.

Buy a stack of washcloths and hand towels. You'll save a bundle on paper towels by having reusable.

And buy a all in one tool kit with hammer, wrench, multi screwdriver, measuring tape, etc. It's amazingly useful and compact.

A flashlight is also not a bad thing to own.

I just began reading this book on the subject of introverted people. It has some pretty good case studies and helps reframe the concept of introversion, so that you can better see your strengths with your weaknesses. I'm only a few chapters in, but some of the case studies have really rang true with my experiences and also those of my daughter (who is the reason I originally picked the book up). I am extremely skeptical by nature, but I've gotten pretty good at not throwing out entire theories because of a few things that sound wonky. The book focuses mostly on the psychology of the matter, but also has some biological and neurological studies to back up some of the ideas. I've also been listening to this audiobook and it has been blowing my mind. The author has been able to put so many concepts into words that I have thought about over the years. I highly recommend it. It helps that he states that he's an atheist (from my point of view), but he's also very balanced in looking at the positive aspects of religion and gleaning bits of wisdom from each. These books cover some of the same topics of personality traits and psychology. I have found them very helpful for where I am in life. I thought someone else might as well ;)

I was a lot like you at school. Still am. I am 45.

Do crowds overwhelm you? Do you read everyone moods when you walk in to a crowd?

Does it stress you that you sense so much?

If yes.

You could be highly sensitive person:

https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182

"Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, workshop leader and highly sensitive person herself, shows you how to identify this trait in yourself and make the most of it in everyday situations. Drawing on her many years of research and hundreds of interviews, she shows how you can better understand yourself and your trait to create a fuller, richer life. "

I was one. Still am. A woman found me through internet and we were married for 16 years. But it ended due to my disease (epilepsy).

You are 16. Son you have a life ahead of you.

School. DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! Find a way to fit in. Find your place. I think I started to like high school when I was 17. I was awkward before then.

Your feeling about you never finding anyone.

Welcome to adulthood. Everyone feels that at one point or another in their life. Some less. Some more.

Killing yourself. You are precious. People may not tell that to you. But yes. You are precious. You have to learn to love yourself. So you can love others. If you do not love yourself. You will have hard time loving others.

You will end up in a co dependent relationship where your happiness depends on the other. Ideally in a relationship there would be some breathing space. Some room. I think my wife left me because I was hanging on her too much once I got sick.

Some people find that very stifling. People need their freedom. You may not feel that way. But yes they do.

Stop telling yourself that you are going to kill yourself. That creates more anxiety. Which leads to you thinking about her even more (because when you feel bad the brain tries to cope by thinking about what made you feel better).

So you will be stuck in a loop. If you stop thinking about killing yourself. You will probably not think about her as much.

Be open to happiness.

YOU ARE 16!

You have a working body right? No broken back like I have. Feet that do not ache?

May I tell you about our lord and savior exercise.

If you are not already doing it..

Start running. Lifting weights. Bicycling. Whatever? You will feel so good once you get into shape. Also I imagine it is going to help with the girls.

Exercise high is not a made up thing. It is real.

Also on a real bad moment. Eating does help. Momentarily. But if you are feeling very bad. It is instant serotonin boost.

Now of course exercise would be better..

Just my 2 cents.

God I wish I was 16.. :D

Lots of love for you, here are some thoughts of mine...

• it is a mistake to believe that you should be asking the question "What is the purpose of my life?" it's not a question you ask, IT IS A QUESTION YOU ANSWER! and you answer it by living your life as ONLY you can, having the adventure that is your life experience, discovering the magical miracle that is ONLY YOU in all of this vast universe!
  
  
• After losing Mormonism and the understanding of the universe that goes with it, I find myself an atheist, which has made this little journey of life INFINITELY more precious to me. It's all and everything we have! (as far as we know).
  
  
• I have pulled in many helpful, empowering, peaceful ideas from Buddhism, Philosophy, Science that has helped me start to form a new, optimistic, and amazingly open minded new world-view. I no longer have to believe anything that doesn't make sense, I get to believe only sweet things now, and that is SO nice.
  
  Here are some resources that I have been really grateful for on my journey, which I am 12 months into...
  
  The Obstacle is the Way
  
  The Daily Stoic this is my new "daily bible" I read a page every morning
  
  Secular Buddhism podcast
  
  Waking Up podcast
  
  End of Faith
  
  The Demon Haunted World
  
  Philosophize This! podcast OR Partially Examined Life podcast
  
  I wish you the very best in your journey, be patient with yourself, you have EVERY reason to be! Start filling your mind with powerful positive ideas, keep the ones that help you find your way, set aside the ones that don't.
  
  And remember, you are young and free and the possibilities of what your life can become are boundless!

I thought it was interesting to see an item there called "Cialdini+2"

Robert Cialdini is the author of a book called Influence (clean link, no affiliate bs)

I read this book and found it pretty interesting. But I wonder what the hell the +2 means.

The summary of his main points in the book, from his wiki page:

1. Reciprocity – People tend to return a favor, thus the pervasiveness of free samples in marketing. In his conferences, he often uses the example of Ethiopia providing thousands of dollars in humanitarian aid to Mexico just after the 1985 earthquake, despite Ethiopia suffering from a crippling famine and civil war at the time. Ethiopia had been reciprocating for the diplomatic support Mexico provided when Italy invaded Ethiopia in 1935. The good cop/bad cop strategy is also based on this principle.
   
2. Commitment and Consistency – If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self-image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement. Cialdini notes Chinese brainwashing on American prisoners of war to rewrite their self-image and gain automatic unenforced compliance. See cognitive dissonance.
   
3. Social Proof – People will do things that they see other people are doing. For example, in one experiment, one or more confederates would look up into the sky; bystanders would then look up into the sky to see what they were seeing. At one point this experiment aborted, as so many people were looking up that they stopped traffic. See conformity, and the Asch conformity experiments.
   
4. Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform objectionable acts. Cialdini cites incidents such as the Milgram experiments in the early 1960s and the My Lai massacre.
   
5. Liking – People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them. Some of the many biases favoring more attractive people are discussed. See physical attractiveness stereotype.
   
6. Scarcity – Perceived scarcity will generate demand. For example, saying offers are available for a "limited time only" encourages sales.

Robert Cialdini in his book Influence: Science and Practice (p164f) mentions that food makes people more relaxed and open to others opinions, that is why e.g. in politics votes are being swayed over dinners.
further he goes on:

> [Razran (1938 & 1940)] found that his subjects became fonder of people and things they experienced while they were eating.

So, I guess that makes a clear case: We like what we encounter while eating. And obviously if you add some romance, a bit of alcohol, nice music, pleasant conversation, good perfumes (& pheromones), and that people grow to like things more that they spend longer time with - dinners are a good first date. Maybe the principle of consistency also plays a role - once you commit to spending a dinner with someone you will try to justify to yourself that you did so, by 'inventing' more reasons. Additionally, the spending-dinner-together, especially if the less choosy partner (usually the male) pays might create a certain feeling of indebtedness that could also lead to further dates/actions.

But tbh I think there is too much (socially constructed) pressure and other first dates might be more valuable, e.g. a coffee (caffeine increases the heart rate, which in turn is often interpreted by the one experiencing it as physical arousal as reaction to the other person) with cake (sweet, pleasant + warm coffee = excellent creation of sympathy) that might be a better version.

I'm not sure where that is from, but there was a study indicating that couples that are rated as "not matching" by outsiders often met during emotional events - e.g. rollercoasters, concerts, ... take your date to some exciting place - that gives you endorphins and other fun hormones which create a stronger bonding.

I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:

• Meditating: the best way to re-program your brain IMO ("Wherever you go there you are")
  
• Teaching myself Jazz piano
  
• Diet (Here's my diet)
  
• Fitness (Here's my fitness bible)
  
• Career Development (This)
  
• Productivity & Time Management (too many books to mention, OP PM me if you want this list)
  
• Not watching Porn & Masturbating less frequently (Highly recommended /r/NoFap)
  
• No Alcohol
  
  For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
  
  For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
  
  This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
  
  Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
  
  
  Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
  "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
  "Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
  "The Talent Code"
  "Man's Search for Meaning"
  "Flow"
  
  Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
  
  
  (Edit: I suck at formatting)
  
  
  
  
  

Good luck and I will say a special prayer for you! I was able to quit after 6 years with Allen Carr's "Easy Way To Stop Smoking" (http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155)

If you are still having trouble, I've had several friends who have used Chantix and swear it is the best way to go. There is a great support community at http://www.reddit.com/r/stopsmoking and I use the QuitIt app to track my progress. Even after 1.5 years, I love to look at how long it's been and what's good decision I made that day. Good luck and God bless you!

I feel like the best type of organization is easy and intuitive.

examples:

• if you always take your earrings off and put them on your bed stand instead of in your jewelry box, put a jewelry tray on your bedstand.
  
  
• If you always organize your junk drawer but it's a mess two days later, use [organizational buckets](http://i.ebayimg.com/images/a/(KGrHqZ,!pgE-v3LzGuGBQBFgV(ebw~~/s-l300.jpg) instead of trying to keep things lined up on their own. That way you can still toss your stuff in the buckets (i.e. be messy), but in an organized way, if that makes sense.
  
  
• if you always search for things like scissors, tape, etc. in one place but keep them somewhere else, consider moving those items to the first place you look (intuitive) - makes it so much easier to find.
  
  
• personal example: finding batteries in my house was always an annoying process of checking every single junk drawer. Now we have a battery box where we store every type of battery. Whenever we need one, we know exactly where to look. Whenever we buy new ones, we know exactly where to store them.
  
  In the past I've tried being extremely specific and keeping things meticulously organized/lined up - only to have it become a mess two days later.
  
  I think it's easier if you lean into your messy habits - and use them as a guide to develop ways to stay organized.
  
  Also, for tossing clothes you could try two things:
  
  

1. the hanger method. Hang all your clothes backwards in your closet. After wearing something once, hang it forwards. At the end of the season/year, whichever clothes are still hanging backwards should be donated.
   
   
2. from the book, the life changing magic of tidying up, konmari (like you mentioned!): Ask yourself if an item brings you joy. If your immediate answer is yes - keep it! If you have to think about it, consider getting rid of it. An old sweater your mom gave you might bring you joy, even if you don't wear it anymore - keep it! A new pair of jeans you bought a year ago but don't like to wear may not bring you joy - toss it! Also practical items can bring you joy too! Paper towels can bring you joy in cleaning up a mess. Dishwasher soap can bring you joy in getting your dishes clean faster. An old apple slicer - while practical - may not bring you joy because you never use it, and it's getting kind of rusted on the sides. Follow your joy! :)

Good morning Everyone,

Thank you for all the great comments. A little more about myself, I am actually not a fortune baby. I was brought into the practice 6 years ago through a mutual friend. After a year into the practice I started having doubts and having my district leader give me a portrait of Ikeda to add next to my Rabbits Foot (Gohonzon Alter) was creepy. They tried to keep me involved by having me join IYE (Ikeda Youth Ensemble) which is just really playing forever Sensei and a circle jerk. Around the same time I was in community college taking a social psychology class and read a book by ASU Doctor Cialdini on the Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion and learned about Jim Jones. I highly recommend this book as a counter measure to influence tactics. This helped me understand how people can be persuaded through pervasive means.

I decided to throw away my gohonzon box and scroll and guess what?? Nothing happened to me. I wasn't struck down by lighting and actually I was doing way better. I was able to transfer to a good 4 year university and graduate. They kept on pestering me for about 4 years about reconnecting me and finally I got fed up and said sure. I told them that I lost my gohonzon, so they gave me a new one during the 50K lions of justice movement. Within a couple weeks they promoted me to Unit Leader LOL. The guy who allegedly lost his gohonzon was appointed a leader to chant and care for 3 other district members. Today, I can't stand going to that monthly Kosen Rufu Gongyo where people watch the same recycled videos of Ikeda's meetings in the past. People in the audience still applause to a video of a plump Japanese guy they never meet, and who is probably dead. I am trying to tread lightly in leaving the org because I am concerned about stalkers. Any recommendations?

​

Fresh of the group line

Ikeda Sensei completes

"New Human Revolution"

in one week, September 8, 2018.

It's a historic moment.

​

Mmmmmm. first of all, how can he finish the series in the future, and second how can he finish the book if he is probably vegetated or 6 feet under???

​

Please discuss or post funny SGI internal communications on here.

​

Thank You,

Loanpino

​

​

​

​

​

​

Off the top, I have to say that I really don't like the tone of your post, it shows a lack of respect and ignorance for how much work and capital the owner of a company has to put in. Being good at business doesn't mean that you're the best technical carpenter or even a carpenter at all. It's like the typical restaurant feud where the kitchen staff doesn't appreciate what the wait staff do and visa-versa, while not realizing that one would not exist without the other.

Sales and dealing with clients is much more difficult than most give credit for. Knowing how to price things to make money, being able to work with all different types of personalities and keeping a level head under very stressful situations are skills we don't learn in the field. Not to mention the financial risk on every project, accounting, advertising, driving all over hells half acre to price jobs you might not get...etc.

All this to say, take a little time to research and learn what goes into the front end of a business that is successful. A few books you might want to check out:

1)Markup and Profit: A Contractors Guide by Michael Stone

2) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

3) Profit First: Transform Your Business from a Cash-Eating Monster to a Money-Making Machine by Mike Michalowicz

4) Running a Successful Construction Company by David Gerstel

5) How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie


Most important though is to find an accountant and learn what goes into accounting. Of all the things that I've seen take down really good carpenters going out on their own, accounting is #1. They don't put money away to pay taxes end up in a robbing peter to pay paul situation, or just don't know what their overhead is to charge appropriately to cover it as well as make a profit and cover their own wage.

As far as how much capital to start out with, I'd say 6 months salary. It's always a good idea to have a least 6 months worth of operating expenses as a capital reserve even while operating. It makes you less likely to be put in situations where you HAVE to work and end up taking jobs you shouldn't.

I second the jazz piano book, jazzadvice.com, and all the rest of this advice.

My two favorite music books are Victor Wooten's The Music Lesson and Philip Toshio Sudo's Zen Guitar. They contain wisdom that a lot of other music education misses.

As far as playing the piano goes, I recommend really exploring the piano as an instrument. Find the piano's strong and unique points, and be pianistly (in this sense). Conversely, target the piano's weak points, and learn to imitate other instruments: playing long unbroken lines like a sax will make you "light on your fingers" and help you to decompartmentalize fingering patterns you have learned.

I'm a big fan of this video right now. Download the pdf too, and practice the scales listed. The idea of chords being fragments of larger scale families (and being able to hear the entire scale families going by) is important. This is easiest to wrap your head around by playing modal chords on a C major scale. Allan holdsworth explains it better. This also ties into the "find which notes can be added to round out the standard chords" thing- if you hear the entire scale, then extrapolating which notes can be added is fairly intuitive.

Also, listen to great players. I like powell, monk, tatum, george shearing, and marian mcpartland, Mccoy Tyner, Kenny Barron, Esjborn Svensson Trio, Keith Jarrett, and Bill Evans. These are just a few mainstream examples. Also, learn from other instrumental traditions. If you like something, try to extrapolate a principle or lesson that you can bring with you from that song, and likewise if you dislike something, articulate what it is you dislike, then you can learn to play the opposite. John Hartford says "style is based on limitations", so choose carefully how you learn to play. If you don't like something, don't learn to play like that just because it's part of the jazz aesthetic cannon or some nonsense.

Also, play with someone. Play with bandinabox, which is easy to steal and fairly cheap to buy, and has many many many song files freely available online. Play with a metronome, at least.

Learn to adjust your technique to different pianos. Not every piano you play on will be good or even fair, so being able to get a feel for a new instrument and its limitations quickly is a great skill. On your home instrument, focus all the more strongly on finding technique compatible with that instrument. On a related note, let your mind step back and lead with your hands, letting fingerings and reflexes show you the way forward. On the other hand, let your technique fade into the foreground and practice bringing out the ideas in your ear, even if they navigate unfamiliar territory (do this slowly or it won't work and you'll revert to reflex) Both modes have their merits, and the more you get comfy with both, the less of a distinction there is between them.

Also, practice singing and playing. Meld your understanding of harmony on the piano with your ear and voice. Also, practice thinking big (long musical fragments, specific complex voicings, etc, etc) at & away from the instrument. If you can't think big, your creativity will never have good macro structure & flow. I really believe that our creative impulse is a divine gift, but it often builds on our existing experience and abilities.

Nerves of steel come from confidence and being above fear. Confidence comes from practice and competition. Being above fear comes from a lifestyle of conquering fears.

If you want to be more comfortable on the street, figure out exactly what you're afraid of and get better at it. Are you afraid he's going to hit you? Learn boxing or muay thai or bjj. Are you afraid he's going to yell at you? Learn debate skills.

My dad was a firefighter for a decade. His dad trained WW2 bomber pilots. I asked my dad how he kept calm on intense calls. He said he would rely on his training and took every problem as it came. You have no idea what the scene is going to look like on your way there, but you can trust that you're the best prepared one there, so everyone's depending on you to take charge and lead. Planning ahead is very important, but more important is staying in the moment.

Meditation works out that muscle. Staying in the moment is a muscle in your brain that you have to work out. What fear and anxiety is is you living outside of the moment. Fear is you trying to bring the past into the present. Anxiety is you trying to predict the future. Live in the moment and take shit as it comes. The more you can do that, the more you can relax into chaotic situations with confidence. Just do your best and know that that's all anyone can do in life. We can only do our best.

Another thing is your mindset for life. Always do your best. Always give your fullest. Figure out your core values and live to them every day of your life. If you can say every day that you did your fucking best, then you are going to be able to say "I am ready to die today" and you won't walk around terrified of death. Death is the root fear of all the fears. If you can conquer the fear of death, you will be very strong.

.

There's a lot more to this, I'm just kind of rambling off what comes to mind before I go to work. But this will get you started. I wish you all the best and I hope I've helped some.

Some good resources are Shambhala, The Art of Learning, On Becoming a Leader, Better Under Pressure, Leading at the Edge, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, and then this interview with Rickson Gracie (one of the greatest fighters to ever walk the Earth).

First and foremost, 48 Laws of Power. It will show you 100+ ways other people have tried and where they failed and succeeded. It's a great introduction. Get this first.

A lot for these are free on gutenberg.org

Meditations - On being ethical and virtuous in a position of power.


33 strategies of war - A great companion to the 48 laws.

Art of war - Ancient Chinese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.

Hagakure - Japanese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.

On war - Military strategy from Napoleonic era. All but covered in 48 laws.

Rise of Theodore Roosevelt - Amazing book.

Seeking Wisdom from Darwin to Munger - Abstract thought models and logic patterns of highly successful people.

The Obstacle is the Way - Not labeled a book on power, more like thriving during struggle, which is important to a leader.

Machiavelli: The Prince - Pretty much the opposite of meditations. All but covered in 48 laws.


Also, here's a good TED talk on why power/civics is important to study: http://www.ted.com/talks/eric_liu_why_ordinary_people_need_to_understand_power?language=en


If you've gone over these and want something more specialized, I can probably help.

Are you planning on taking us over with force or charm?

You're on the hardest day, and congrats on making it this far! One of my biggest motivators to quit smoking was my girlfriend, and she has been so supportive of me -- it sounds like this girl you're seeing could be a wonderful ally for you as you quit. But remember that ultimately, you're doing the biggest favor for yourself! You should be proud of yourself for making it this far and own your victory!

I'm not sure if you're familiar with Allen Carr's book, but it was so important to me while I quit and I know lots of people feel the same way. He helps dispel the myth that we actually enjoy smoking. I was really suspicious of this claim at first, but about halfway through the book, my perspective completely shifted and quitting became much easier. Best of luck to you, friend -- stay strong.

What counts is spending your time you got here to the fullest. I get more satisfaction from improving in a truly competitive field with great accessibility.

The skills I learn are easily transferable to other parts of life. For instance I deal way better with heat of the moment situations when I used to be a person that would freeze. I learned how to instruct a group in a complex topics which actually got me a teaching job. Furthermore I learned how to analyse and dissect each and every thing I have trouble with based on the principles I aquired by watching the best gamers there are or the best educational streamers and applying their underlining principles. University hasn't taught me 1/10th of my critical thinking skills. The structure of becoming good at something are fundamentally the same (I recommend the Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin)

I've also met people from every walk of life, ranging from an actual Sir, to Billionaires, to stand up comedians, to truly unique personalities from all over the world while picking up three languages other than my mothertongue. You know, while playing games and having a shit load of fun and having my competitive bone stroked which actually satisfies me that is. With some games, I can even do it on the road. On a reasonably low budget.

I played 11 years of competitive soccer and I can find no noticeable difference other than that I could be a little more in shape. There are however downsides soccer has which gaming does not.

If you go to Amazon and sort prices by low to high, searching for "minimalism", there's usually 1 or 2 books that are free. "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up" really is the best book I've ever read on the subject. It's got the powerful ideas of organizing by category, choosing what to keep instead of what to discard, as well as the key concept of "sparks joy" which distinguishes it from most of the decluttering books that came before. The Manga version is a pretty good cliff notes version of it in comic book form. I'm quite fond of "Thrift" written by Samuel Smiles, which was written in 1875, as well as "How to Live on 24 hours a Day" by Arnold Bennett, written in 1908. Both are in the public domain, and you can find them free on Amazon or Google Play.

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Manga-Tidying-Up-Magical-ebook/dp/B01N6W2W5M/

https://www.amazon.com/Thrift-Samuel-Smiles-ebook/dp/B01C9FDRYO/

https://www.amazon.com/How-Live-24-Hours-Day-ebook/dp/B0084AHN6C/

I quite enjoy the "Messy Minimalist" on Youtube, who's so far in the middle of a six month journey to declutter her hoard that she's gathered as the owner of an Inn and large garden, is really handy with tools, doing the Walden thing by moving from Manhattan to the country, and occasionally talks about things like her former World of Warcraft addiction.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLf84Fp1X-CpcXQ-8rw2xRmE3_QC5T1O7H

Sounds like you could level up your interaction skills!

I am particularly fond of The Charisma Myth. The thesis of this book is that people are at their most charismatic when they have ample self confidence, which comes from having high self esteem. I have low self esteem and low self confidence, but the majority of this book details how to improve them. Not only has the book helped me be more charismatic, it has had a profound improvement in my psychological/emotional well being!

I haven't read this one yet, but I bought and it is next on my reading list. How to Talk to Anyone explains techniques for even the shyest introvert (like me) to come out of their shell and have interesting thoughtful discussion with strangers.

The fact that you made an effort to put yourself in a situation with a bunch of strangers is quite impressive! Now work a bit on your communication game and you'll grow into a better and more powerful you.

I just read this book and spent all day yesterday taking the advice into practice (with my own modifications). I'm still processing through some areas, but my house has never been less cluttered. I never thought I would be able to accomplish so much so quickly, and really feel like managing the clutter in my house is a manageable task. In just a day, I was able to get through almost every space. I still have about half the kitchen and a few "miscellany" cupboards to sort through, and a dozen bags to take to Goodwill.

The basic advice I had heard before: only keep things that "spark joy," but it took actually reading the book and the repetitions of advice and explanations for the hows & whys to sink in. But the basic concept is to take everything you own out of where it lives, assess each item individually to decide what to keep (on the basis of whether or not it "sparks joy," i.e. does it make you happy to own), and then put it back neatly (look online for the KonMari method to folding). Take everything out by category, such as clothes (literally take all the clothes you own and put them on the floor), then books, then bathroom items, etc., rather than going by room. Think about how you actually want to use items and arrange them accordingly.

The most useful take home for me was to make sure every item in your home has a "place." Don't have junk drawers or room for miscellany where things can just pile up and get lost. Actually know where everything is in your house and know where everything goes, and appreciate every item in your house. It's amazing how powerful that has been for me.

Hi BrentonTheBadger,

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback.

It's actually far, far more complicated than that - and your assumption seems to be that I was referring to visual queues. I am actually talking about verbal queues.

Again, you are more than welcome to your opinion. But as somewhat of an eternal student of my discipline, I am aware of the psychology relating to my industry and how it is frequently and heavily abused. It might be a comforting thought to assume that there is only perhaps "a set group of people" that you suppost just "weren't raised to realize" their actual level of need, is completely inaccurate.

You've also assumed that my particular take and "my target audience" are these people. You've actually completely underestimated the entire practice. YOU are our target audience. YOU the supposedly discerning consumer, who couldn't possible buy a product you don't need or believe in something ultimately wrong for you. Why buy HTC? Why mention the brand? You've just told me that you have had one for a long time that is perfectly functional - you just recommended me a product and you didn't even realise it. Your character profile and your convictions make that recommendations all the more powerful. Don't you think people like me know that...? There's not enough people with enough funds of those your assume are my targets - so where do you think my industry goes next....?

Now, I grant you that I have discussed consumer focused advertising but I actually don't work in consumer focused advertising. I work in public focused advertising. My particular line of work is one of behavioral change. For everyone - and that means you. Just because I'm not trying to sell you a product, doesn't mean that I haven't dirtied my soul manipulating the supposedly 'discerning' public, of things they don't really want, need, believe or understand. In most cases, it's the final point. I don't say that as coldly as it sounds - people get tired and mental fatigue is the number one cause of silly beliefs and purchases. We take on too much in the modern world, and hence can't effectively cognitively process to make better decisions in our current lifestyles.

So, again, to assume advertising is just about trying to make you buy the latest product, is a vast underestimation of the industry. It is also an opinion that is created irrespective of the facts or figures and years of research both in academic circles and industry - from the corporations like Coke-a-Cola who specifically created Coke Zero because Diet Coke was a female orientated product and this was hailed as the 'male equivalent' because market research indicated that a low fat version of the product needed to be more manly to sell, to offices like mine - where we frequently commission market research to see the public awareness of issues we are promoting and targeting demographic and much much more to enlist behaviourial changes, as so desired by those above us.

Why do you trust such things in the hands of those who can and will profit from you despite what you really want?

If you want to learn more about a topic, read up on it (I recommend this as a starter for 10). Don't assume you're above it, or impervious to it, because at the end of the day? That's what we want you to think.

This isn't quite a tip for daily housekeeping as much as it is a strategy for overall tidiness long-term, but I'm reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up on my Kindle right now and I just did the first stage of decluttering my clothes - and it's already made a great difference in how easy it is to stay organized and clean! I haven't finished it yet, but another good part about it is that it emphasizes gratitude for the objects in your daily life and it's helping me practice being more appreciative of everything. :)

"You can do anything, but not everything." - David Allen

I'm also battling Martha-Stewart-level expectations. And it turns out I'm terrible at predicting what's going to make me happy, or how long it's going to take me, or how hard it'll be to master.

Here are some things that helped me pare it down:

1. This video about the Eisenhower Matrix. A simple exercise to help find your priorities.
   
   
2. This book by Marie Kondo about decluttering your space and your life.The whole process was great, but she’s got a bit towards the beginning about visualizing the life you want to have. It’s lovely.
   
   
3. This blog series about de-stashing from the super smart, super talented multi-craft blogger at The Craft Sessions.
   
   
   

Therapy can be awesome but only if you get the right person; the key is to shop around. Don't just walk in and pay hundreds of dollars for a full session, see if there is any way you can interview the prospective therapist just for a couple minutes. Do it with several, and get recommendations from people you know might be helpful. If you're in college, check your student health services to see if they provide therapy.

Look up a guy named Gary Vanyerchuk, he's an entrepreneur and one of the biggest things he helped me with is getting past and over complaining. He's got videos on Youtube and a few books out on the market. I know this isn't an entrepreneurship thread but because of the nature of their business, complaining and bitterness are huge hurdles they have to get over. Here's one of my favorite of his videos and another with a Q&A explaining his background at the beginning: Entrepreneurs and Complaining / SXSW Keynote 2016

Also you might try checking out the 21 Day No Complaint Challenge

I don't know what your opinions of women are but since you said your opinions can be "sexist" and involve a general "disgust" towards them, I'm 90% sure you are one of the many people who believe that "All women like jerks and hate nice guys." The biggest thing to realize about the flaw of that mentality is that to women, the most attractive body part on a man is his spine. Nice guys don't know how to take a stand, whereas jerks do take a stand but usually take it way further than necessary to get their point across, that's why they get more relationships but they don't typically last long.

Books I'd recommend that are available to preview at your local B&N (the last one by Glover is actually the full pdf text of the book):
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie / The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden / No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover, Ph.D

Good luck!

Relevant passage from Robert Cialdini's Influence: Science and Practice:

>It is easy to fault the tourists for their foolish purchase decisions, but a close look offers a kinder view. These were people who had been brought up on the rule, "You get what you pay for" and who had seen that rule borne out over and over in their lives. Before long, they had translated the rule to mean expensive = good. The expensive = good stereotype had worked quite well for them in the past, since normally the price of an item increases along with its worth; a higher price typically reflects higher quality. So when they found themselves in the position of wanting good turquoise jewelry but not having much knowledge of turquoise, they understandably relied on the old standby feature of cost to determine the jewelry's merits (Rao ~ Monroe, 1989).

>Although they probably did not realize it, by reacting solely to the price of the turquoise, they were playing a shortcut version of betting the odds. Instead of stacking all the odds in their favor by trying painstakingly to master each feature that indicates the worth of turquoise jewelry, they were counting on just one-the one they knew to be usually associated with the quality of any item. They were betting that price alone would tell them all they needed to know. This time, because someone mistook a '''/,'' for a "2," they bet wrong. In the long run, over all the past and future situations of their lives, betting those shortcut odds may represent the most rational approach possible.

>In marketing lore, the classic case of this phenomenon is that of Chivas Regal Scotch Whiskey, which had been a struggling brand until its managers decided to raise its price to a level far above its competitors. Sales skyrocketed, even though nothing was changed in the product itself (Aaker, 1991). A recent brain-scan study helps explain why. When tasting the same wine, participants not only rated themselves as experiencing more pleasure if they thought it cost $45 versus $5, their brain centers associated with pleasure became more activated by the experience as well (Plassmann et al., 2008).

So a few thoughts that may help, relative to what you've just described:

1. Religion teaches people that they have no inner strength, and thus must seek an outside source, which is contrary to both reality and your stated goals. As we realize that religion demands that it be used as a crutch, we can start to realize that we need no crutch to stand on our own. Humans are far stronger individually than any religion could ever acknowledge if it wants to survive.
   
2. Hell is a fun one in hindsight. Initially, I found strength by embracing it like any other challenge. I made it clear to anyone who bothered to ask that I had no fear of hell because if there was one, I'd just take over running it. Its only currency is fear, and I had none of that to offer it, so it would be no problem to take control. That's usually enough to scare the hell out of believers, and get a good chuckle out of those who don't believe. In both cases, it made it easier to realize what a ridiculous concept the whole construct was.
   
3. Usually feelings like that are just facets of more fundamental human strengths, like love, charity, kindness and comradery. Learning to embrace them as fundamental traits that have no story behind them eventually leads us to express them more freely and dissolves the judgment we have been taught to unconsciously associate with them.
   
   
   Depending on your particular life experiences so far, it may be helpful to explore some resources on human psychology and particularly the science of persuasion. At this point, the means inflicted upon followers of both secular and religious interests are well-documented and easily accessible.
   
   
   If you prefer a religious angle on it, this sub has an abundance of suggestions far broader and deeper than I can offer off the top of my head. If you're looking for an introduction that is a bit more general but equally useful, you might try reading Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. It's a very accessible, interesting read that is widely available, and highly regarded. In any case, enjoy the journey. There's much to discover about the world, free from religion, that gives us hope and inspiration.
   

I haven't read all of it and I'm sure it's probably a simplification of more nuanced ideas, but check out Josh Kaufman's The First 20 Hours: How to Learn Anything Fast. It seems to be about how to maximize certain skills and habits to create an ideal brain environment for processing new information. Other books that may relate to the goal you described include How We Learn, Make It Stick: The Science of Successfully Learning, or perhaps even something like Robert Greene's Mastery. There's even a Coursera course out called "Learning How to Learn" that probably delves into a lot of the ideas explored in the aforementioned books, and a guy named Cal Newport has a whole blog that investigates what study habits are actually useful and which are not.

Also, I don't think the idea should be to obtain knowledge as much as have a solid foundation in thinking critically and learning how to learn. Your original post implies that you seem to view learning as stuffing your brain full of (hopefully factual) ideas to produce something recognizable as "knowledge"; a better way to conceptualize this process is that you develop skills in learning, processing information, and thinking in general with the hopes that it will enable you to draw on a wider range of knowledge and ideas when they crop up. Hence why I suggested books that are about learning and information processing; if you can end up making learning, studying, and reflecting a habit that you naturally come to do, perhaps you can begin a fuller mental life in general instead of simply becoming a walking encyclopedia.

I think a lot of people when they actually reach FI will be surprised that they encounter depression & a "what now" moment (or long series of moments). I personally had a long break from work recently, and it shocked me how surprisingly quickly I started thinking fondly about being at work.

I strongly suggest taking a look at this book:
http://smile.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/1594484805/

It's a book which touches on education, work, but most importantly, what it is that drives people to feel like they're accomplishing something in life, feel satisfied, etc. I think it particularly applies to those of us who will leave the structure of work (which provides to various degrees those things for us), and now we're forced to generate our own structure to ensure we feel motivated & accomplished.

Specifically to you, I think if you found something you could be great at, working in an industry for a time to learn would be a great thing. It'd also help you appreciate your lack of requirement for working. Also, considering "not needing to work" is a terrible reason to "not work", you should start thinking about what you wish to accomplish with life. Video games & movies is a terrible way to spend the single life you have (in my opinion).

I woke up to a FB message from someone telling me that this had been shared here, so I tracked it; I'm the OP for the FB post. I'm sorry I'm so long-winded, but I just kept typing; it was actually just supposed to be a reach-out to some friends who are getting into ItWorks! and Lipsense, to caution them not to get too deep. I don't do a lot of social media, so I'm not good at viral posting or anything like that, but I wanted to come and provide more information from my notes for those interested. I got to sit in front of two subject matter experts for three hours, and everything I wrote was a credit to their life's work to undo the damage of high-demand groups.


I'm a Navy vet and psychology doctoral candidate from WV, and I work in mental health. I attended a training earlier this month from two guys from Wellspring WV, which is a really great facility that focuses primarily on helping people recover from re-education, high-demand groups, and what we could traditionally call "cult" activity and "brainwashing" (These awesome gentlemen are named Jeff Bryson and Greg Sammons; they also reference Dr. Alexandra Stein, who was a reformed cult member and is now a prominent SME in the field). It was about three hours of talking about the general tactics that are applied by the leaders of these groups to expand control. The focal point of the training was actually Scientology, but I was immediately fascinated by the claims that coercive control extended to MLM groups. Specifically, they mentioned someone from ASU (for the life of me, I can't remember who, because things were moving fast, there were a lot of slides, and I forgot to write down his name) who actually teaches a seminar on how to apply these coercion tactics in a MLM; so, ASU's School of Business has a MLM-factory,maybe from this Michael Sheffield dude somewhere in its midst (but he covers his ass by stressing that people only use the information "ethically". Yeah. Right.) So for the past few weeks, I've been poring through whatever literature I can find. Here are some of the things that have been in my general reading list, not focused on MLM:

• Heresy of Mind Control by Steven Martin
  
  
• Thought Reform and Psychology of Totalism by Robert J. Lifton
  
  
• Influence by Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Brainwashing and the Cults by Paul A. Verdier
  
  
• Movies: Dig, Faults, The Wave, The Firm, Join Us, Paradise Rediscovered, Betting on Zero; shows like The Path and The Following (you have to dig below the story, but many of the early episodes of each are good illustrations of some techniques)
  
  
  I'll make a response thread here with my lengthier notes.

I've also been struggling with liking myself, my identity, and generally how to live my life the best I can. Hopefully some of my experiences can help you out.

I am currently undergoing CBT and have been reading a lot of psychology-type books to supplement becoming a better person. I would highly recommend Emotional Intelligence as that was recommended when I starting seeing my therapist. It's hard to summarize but it's mainly about learning to work with your emotions and how to work with them effectively.

I would also recommend Learned Optimism if you want to have a more positive outlook, which I assume most people would want.

Finally, I'm reading The Obstacle is the Way right now and I'm really into it. It's mainly about Stoic philosophy and how your perceptions affect your emotions. I've been getting more into Stoicism lately because it's very much about focusing on what you can change and accepting what you can't. Yes, I know we've all heard this before but hearing someone lay it all out with examples really helps you to embrace a healthier way of thinking.

Those three books together have fundamentally changed my outlook on life for the better.

So far so good? Did you make it through until now? Updates??

My words of wisdom:

Edited to add: Get this book. Right this minute, like, order it online with overnight shipping or go buy it locally but DO IT. Don't say yeah yeah and then not.... seriously. Even if it's your last few dollars, it's worth it. I tried for 5 years and this is what helped me finally get through the quitting process. http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155

It's really hard at first and it feels like you won't get through it, but you can & will. 3 years non smoking for me, I still have nightmares that I smoked and ruined EVERYTHING. But other than that, I don't ever want to look at a cig again.

1st day is actually easier than the next. Get through 2, then 3. Then you'll be a pro at breathing and finding something, anything else to focus on and not caving in. One-at-a-time.

After a week, well... you can't blow all that progress now. That will become 2, and then it'll be a month.

A MONTH. Compared to the agony of 4 hours? YES. YES.

Then it'll be 3 months and all of a sudden, it's pretty easy to get through cravings, but you'll still have them... just MUCH weaker. (Social things are hard. Don't drink booze.)

Then 6 months. Then a year, then... well at that point, you're good.

Just make sure that you congratulate yourself for not smoking if any REALLY hard life things happen, so that you don't pick it back up as a comfort thing.

Keep going. Get through today, then tomorrow.

Okay one last edit, here's a chart of what happens to your body after quitting, minutes/hours/days etc.: http://www.happycortex.com/happens-body-quitting-cigarettes-infographic/

Sorry for the delay! Here comes a long response.

> How did you become an exchange student? What did you do? Was it with a school or was it an external thing?

While taking Japanese in high school, my teacher told us about Rotary International. They do all kinds of charitable work and whatnot, and one of the things they do is sponsor students for foreign exchange. Here's a link to find your nearest club. Of course my parents helped me pay for it, but the cost was relatively low. Around $3k if I remember correctly, for a whole year of living abroad with a host family and going to school over there. I was 17 at the time. Highly recommend checking it out.

> Will 100 words a day be enough to be fluent in a year?

If by "100 words a day", you mean memorizing 100 words a day, then no, of course not. Memorizing vocab is important, obviously--and I'd recommend starting with something like this: 1000 most common Japanese words.--but you'll hit a wall very quickly if that's your only source of study.

If you just want to speak 100 words a day that you already know, then yes, that's an awesome place to start. The secret to learning languages is to speak the words that you know every day, as often as possible. I recommend finding someone to talk to, and there are a million websites out there to help you out with that. Check out /r/languagelearning and /r/Japanese, if you haven't already.

> How is memory retention after not being exposed to Japanese after a month?

Hard to say; that's a pretty subjective question. My memory retention after a month was phenomenal; now after 10+ years, not so much. But again, that's going to change with the individual, how much exposure he had previously, etc etc. Type of exposure is important too, I think. After I lived in Japan for 11 months, for example, my memory retention was obviously much better than it would have been after taking four years of high school Japanese and then never looking at another hiragana after graduation.

> How much do you think emotion affects learning? How much do you think desire affects learning, as opposed to no desire at all?

These are interesting questions, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get as deep into answering them as I might if we were talking face to face. Learning is a fascinating topic--check out The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin--and one's capacity for learning can be affected by all sorts of things.

To address your question specifically, both desire and emotion can affect learning, and it's my opinion that emotion plays a larger part in that effect.

For example, take a student who hates going to school and doesn't want to learn a goddamned thing. That student still recognizes the importance of getting his diploma, so he puts his nose to the grindstone, sits through his awful classes, and he graduates.

On the flip side, a student who wants nothing more than to graduate with a 4.0 might have a hard time paying attention if he's constantly distracted because he is depressed, anxious, angry or melancholic.

See the difference? Our brains will take in information and force us to learn things whether we want it to or not. But if our mental energy is being sapped by our negative emotions, that job becomes a lot more difficult. What you are really referring to here is focus. If you can get around a lack of desire and your conflicting negative emotions and find a place of focus, you'll learn.

(On that note, if lack of focus is an issue for you, start meditating--check out headspace. They have a fantastic app that will give you 10 free 10-minute sessions. I use the app all the time and have cycled the 10 free sessions probably 100 times. No need to buy the premium version to reap the benefits. Just do one session at night before bed. We can definitely get more into the other benefits of meditating if you're ever interested.)

Hey OP, just passing through from your previous pupper post(Rick Rossy is a canine heartbreaker, btw😍😍😍). I hope you've hung in there and are still smoke-free! I quit nearly 8 years ago after reading a book called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. It's actually pretty uncanny, every single person I know who read (and completed, because many start reading and then stop) the book has quit smoking.

He basically undoes the brainwashing smokers have been subject to in such a convincing and empathetic way that you can't really argue against any of his points. I don't want to say too much, but he talks about how he was a 5 pack-a-day smoker who would break down in tears after numerous failed attempts to quit. Then one day he woke up and had an epiphany, told his wife he was done with cigarettes (she was like "Yeah, sure, I've seen this movie before), and then he never smoked again. He would use his epiphany and reasoning skills with close friends, convincing them to quit too, wrote this book, and has helped millions of people around the world quit.

Honestly I can't recommend it enough, and good luck staying smoke-free! It's so amazing later on when you have to think about how long it's been since quitting, just keep your eyes on the prize!

Been there. We all have. Keep that in mind too—the last thing you need is to feel down on yourself for being human. Remember that in some ways, you're just a machine wired to feel this way. Know how your machinery works, and you can make it work better.

For now focus on your next action and task at hand—but when you're out of this, two books:

1. "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. His books and his advice are genius at using exactly this strategy to manage everything you have to do. The question "What's your next action?" comes from this book and it's the question you should ask if you're ever stuck.
   
   
2. "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. It's about writing and how to write, but mostly about life and how to do anything well, and how to find that motivation and ability to work even when you don't have it. It's glorious to read in its humanity.
   
   Here's a quote from the 2nd one that is relevant to you at this moment:
   
   > Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."
   
   That's what I tell myself every time I have a gigantic task to do. Bird by bird. It reminds me to just take it one step at a time.
   
   *edit: Ah, I have to share this one too... next paragraph after that one in "Bird by Bird"—
   
   > E. L. Doctorow once said that "writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your des­tination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.

I am so sorry your life is so stressful right now :(

This book kinda has some "woo," but if you can get past that, I would highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308
It sounds perfect for your situation and is very inspiring, which is nice haha. There is also a subreddit, although it is not a replacement for the book. /r/konmari

Big hugs from California heading your way ❤

Congrats to you for deciding to create a better life for yourself!

I would focus on one thing at a time [don't expect to be able to get to everything right away].

It looks like you're on the right path based on your goals, but I would add reading to it also. Anything that can help you change your perspective on your life and increase your confidence. Books like The Obstacle is the Way, The Power of Now, and How to Win Friends & Influence People.

Just remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take time, but if you keep at it you will see some real beneficial changes.

Nathaniel Branden "6 Pillars of Self Esteem". Brilliant book.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397

The 6 pillars are:

1. Live Consciously
   This requires us to be fully in the present moment. And for
   most, this takes a bit of practice, because many of us are
   conditioned to disown the here and now, to survive what we
   have thought that we cannot handle.
   
   
2. Accept Yourself
   Yes. You have flaws and attributes. You also have the
   opportunity to enhance who you are, by accepting everything
   about yourself. In fact, the only way to enhance who you
   are is to accept yourself.
   
   
3. Take Responsibility for Your Experiences
   Through my journey, I have learned to be in conversations
   where I say to myself, "It comes down to 'this is where you
   end, and I begin,'"
   Saying such an affirmation has helped me to congruently say
   what I will and will not experience. And this is quite
   liberating not only to myself, but also to my interlocutor
   (most of the time)
   
   
4. Assert Who You Are
   Honor what you think, feel, believe, need and want. Yes,
   for many readers this may be a challenge. But the results
   of accepting this challenge are wonderfully fulfilling.
   
   
5. Live Purposefully
   Make an agreement with yourself to reach your highest
   potential, while you maintain balance in your life.
   
   
6. Maintain Your Integrity
   Know exactly what your principles are. And stick to them,
   no matter what others think or do.

My journey to be able to say "no" began with my own relationship with my father who had no boundaries, a lot of demands, and was unwilling to hear me out when I'd try to be real with him.

Here's a great book that can help you gather the tools you need to say "no" with conviction and hold firm on your boundaries. It feels a little dated and some of the techniques feel clunky but I swear they work.

The trick is having faith that the consequences for saying "no" will ultimately benefit you. Yes, there will be potential negative fallout in the short term, but in the long term, you must believe you are doing what is best for you, your health, and your life.

"No thank you" is a perfectly acceptable answer. You don't need to include a list of excuses or reasons. If he presses, "No thank you" is your response. If he guilt trips, you end the conversation, "No thank you, I've got to go!"

My father and I had a huge falling out when I started to establish boundaries with him. Then for years after I'd get an email every six months or so that would seem like he was reaching out, and I'd respond but he'd then go silent again. It caused me so much anxiety. Every time an email came I would panic. It'd take me days to formulate a response and weeks to recover.

Finally last summer he did it again - hadn't heard from him all year, he ignored his only grandchild's birthday, and I get a quick little email going "hey what's your address?" I was like OH NO YOU DON'T. I finally laid it all out and said I wasn't interested in keeping his facade of being a good father/grandfather alive without him engaging in some serious introspection and discussion about what had occurred between us over the years. All he said? "The phone works both ways you know." That was it. It spoke volumes to me and I haven't heard from him since. It's funny because I was actually the last one to actually call.

I would start looking around for another job right now. Getting promoted makes you more hireable, and it seems that the job they've given you is impossible to do properly. You're overstressed now just trying to stay afloat, which is probably the same thing your former boss went through before giving up.

For now, your two best friends are prioritization and time management. Make sure you have a good idea of which tasks are most important and most urgent, so you're not wasting time on things that aren't important, won't be noticed, or which won't be important until a long time from now.

And learn to manage your time better. Almost everyone can and should get better at time management. Do you ever feel like you'd like to stop time for 2 hours a day, just so you could use that time to catch up on things? Better time management can get you those two hours a day.

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505388488&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+things+done

https://www.amazon.com/New-One-Minute-Manager/dp/0008128049/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1505388542&sr=8-7&keywords=one+minute+manager

I quite like Getting Things Done but it has a few drawbacks. I'll paste in one of my older comments about the system.

>One of the most commonly recommended systems is called Getting Things Done.
  A while back David Allen wrote a book describing his system for Getting Things Done. Unfortunately the system doesn't really take a lot of explaining so to get the page count he needed Allen included a lot of what many feel is fluff. If you like the system and want to get a deeper understanding I would recommend the book, but if you just want to get your feet wet there are several sites out there that have nice quick start guides.
  This is a nice site that explains Getting Things Done quite well. The site 43folders also has several nice blog posts on using GTD. One major drawback I have found is that the original GTD is very much based on a paper based system. Built for the classic office worker with a giant In tray full of papers. I highly recommend adaption to suit your personal needs.
Personally I use a notebook version of GTD like this guide here.

>I also now use google keep quite a bit for whenever I need to make a quick note. There are some other systems out there but I suggest looking at GTD first so even if it doesn't work out, you will know what about the system does not work.

Edit: I hate it when people change their websites all willy nilly.

If you want to make it in anything, your attitude is the first determining factor. If you hold other people's opinions higher than your own success and emotional well being, you will always be one step away from ruin.

If you want to make it in art specifically, good news! You can completely do it without an expensive formal education. Believe it!

Start by reading Don't Go To Art School by Noah Bradley. He is a very famous concept artist who will tell you exactly why you can make it on your own. He also offers 'Art Camp' for free on YouTube that will show you how to be an artist/illustrator. I use his videos every day.

Now check out Bobby Chiu on YouTube, specifically his 'Thoughts and Philosophies' playlist. He will explain to you and bring you into the type of thinking that it takes to be an artist-- constant self improvement, constant seeking of knowledge, knowing that it will be your journey, and staying motivated. I always watch these videos while doing my digital painting, to remind myself of my journey and my WHY.

Now, back to your character. You need to develop a framework in your mind for how you view success. Some books that will help you do that:

1. Mastery by Robert Greene.
   
   This book breaks down how humans master skills and reach success. Using dozens of examples of masters throughout history (many of which are great artists). Most notably, you will see that not a single one's story does not include incredible failures. Every single one was a loser at one time, or they were hated or looked down upon. This is not an exaggeration.
   
   
2. Manage Your Day to Day by Jocelyn K Glei.
   
   This is a short and inspiring book. It explains to you the exact mental trickery that people use on themselves to remain distracted and unmotivated, especially in a modern world which is constantly detracting from our focus and making us forget what is important.
   
   Start with this. It is not too much to manage. Look for these books at your public library, read the free article by Noah and watch the free videos by Bobby. These resources will help to rework your thought patterns.
   
   Right now you are in a holding pattern of anxiety and being paralyzed by your circumstances. The only way to break this mental pattern is to think outside of it, expose yourself to ideas you have not experienced. SEEK knowledge that tells you the opposite of the anxieties what your mind is telling you.
   
   I won't wish you good luck, luck has nothing to do with it. Only your actions turn thoughts into reality. Do it!

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.

These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!

I recently quit using Chantix as well. The thing about Chantix is that it's not a miracle drug, it does an amazing job at helping with the physical withdrawal symptoms, but you will have to deal with the mental withdrawals on your own. Just make sure you are really ready to quit smoking before you start taking it.

I recommend reading, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr, it will really help getting your mind in the right place to quit.

Good luck to you! And don't be alarmed about the side effects too much, I have never experienced anything more than mild nausea.

Yeeeeow nice post man.

If you're a bit of a reader, I think you'd like the following books:

Drive: http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/1594484805

Talks about where human motivation stems from. People are mislead by thinking that extrinsic rewards are the no. 1 motivator for people (e.g. money). However most studies are starting to show that intrinsically motivated people are the most productive and successful.

Talent code - http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Code-Greatness-Born-Grown/dp/055380684X/ref=pd_sim_14_6?ie=UTF8&dpID=41MunW5Js4L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR216%2C320_&refRID=168Q5YDYYGJGSE9QPMCJ

The practicing mind - http://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Mind-Developing-Discipline-Challenge/dp/1608680908/ref=pd_sim_14_17?ie=UTF8&dpID=41xIyq0O4wL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR100%2C160_&refRID=097CJ40FQXQ88KG5TDAS

Both of these books are great for instilling the fact that greatness isn't bestowed upon someone, it takes years and dedicated practice cultivate a valuable skill.

If you'd like these books, send me a PM because I have the PDF/Audiobook of them.

THIS. If you really want to be a filmmaker, then start filming.

What do you mean by "never got to shoot my own"? Were people supposed to set up your shoot for you?

You have to make the work, you can't expect it to come to you. Read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Then read it again.

Watch movies with the commentary on. Watch shorts other people have made on vimeo and youtube. Get inspired.

Talk to the people around you about wanting to film something, see who else is interested. It might surprise you how many people are willing to throw themselves in front of the camera for fun, as long as you have a concrete vision of what you want to film.

But like /u/madism said: dig deep within yourself to remember why you want to be a filmmaker. Nobody's going to make you one.

There was a video on here that I can't find again, it was a guy giving a pep talk to creative people and he said something along the lines of "you'll never get full-time results by putting in part-time work." That's what finally got me off my duff and filming.

Edit to add another great, inspiring book: [The Magic of Thinking Big] (http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Thinking-Big-David-Schwartz/dp/0671646788/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406073375&sr=1-2&keywords=think+big)

This is sort of random and you got much better advice in other comments but I'm going to throw it in as an addition anyway:

Read the book The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up. It's a book about how to organize your home, and therefor your life by surrounding yourself with things that spark joy. Shifting your focus off of money by going through your apartment and getting rid of clutter and stressors will help make you feel better and give you something else to "obsess" over. But most importantly it will make you more aware of what makes you happy. When you know what sparks joy for you, it will be easier to "allow" yourself to spend money on the quality necessities without feeling like you're blowing money. The book helped me with overspending on things I don't need but were "good deals" that just wound up causing me stress by overcrowding my home.

I think you may have traded the "thrill" of buying new stuff/nice car/etc for the "thrill" of accumulating money... sort of like an addiction in both extremes.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1607747308/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_39HGybESD1QJX

The ancient world faced the question of meaning and purpose as much as us. In Marcus Aurelius' writings, I found the perseverance, nobility, and applicable philosophy that I craved after leaving the comfort of Mormonism.

For those who have suicidal thoughts, my primary advice would be to seek out a professional who can assist in working through this very serious time. You can work through it, and you owe it to your future self to persevere.

But as a supplement and a guiding life philosophy, I think Stoicism is a tremendously powerful tool. Perhaps it's not the only tool, but it certainly is one which can form a sturdy basis for weathering the existential stress and anxiety that is common to us all. We must deal with meaninglessness where we once had it clearly spelled out for us. Working through the transitory period of nihilism to something more stable and healthy is possible even within a non-theistic framework. Nature does not require our misery, so why should we be miserable in our existence?

I loved the maxims that are to be found in "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius and the other Stoic philosophers. Stoicism is a close kin to modern Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is used by therapists today, and the richness of the philosophical tradition lends a kind of poetic frame for a full life without self delusion. The stoic concepts are simple, seemingly obvious and easy to become familiar with, but the challenge is in applying them to your life.

If you're truly destitute of meaning and hope, try Stoicism. It helped Vice Admiral James B. Stockdale through his time as a POW in Hanoi, Vietnam for 7 1/2 years - where he was tortured 15 times, placed in solitary confinement for over 4 years, and in leg irons for 2 years. If anyone had a reason for hopelessness, it was him. He later wrote about his experience in "The Stoic Warrior's Triad" and "Master of my Fate", along with "Courage Under Fire: Testing Epictetus' Doctrines in a Labratory of Human Behavior". Imagine facing a seemingly interminable future of misery, but even in this darkness finding something so powerful that you survived and even thrived. That's the power of Stoicism.

In addition to getting a real therapist to work with, and not as a substitute mind you, read "Man's Search for Meaning" and go through the following links, starting at the top and working your way down. By the time you're done, I think you'll have a ready tool to use as you continue on with life outside Mormonism.

The Obstacle is The Way, by Ryan Holiday (a good entry text - don’t skip the reading recommendations at the back)
Letters from a Stoic, by Seneca
Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius (Gregory Hays translation)
The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch (video)
“On the Shortness of Life" Four Hour Blog, Translated by John W. Basore, highlighted by Tim Ferriss
A long podcast conversation with Ryan and Tim Ferriss discussing Stoicism
Achieving Apatheia (slideshare), Ryan Holiday
A lecture series, Marcus Aurelius
The Stoic Life (website about stoicism)
Man in the Arena - Teddy Roosevelt

I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and it was awesome for getting my living space in order despite having been written by someone I'd consider insane. The best advice I got from her was 1. to not have tolerance for ambiguous possessions (i.e. stuff you know you won't use and just leave there to take up space for no reason). I purged everything I wouldn't ACTUALLY use and donated it or gifted it. That was great for cutting down immediately on clutter and mess. 2. I assigned a proper place to each possession I had left after the purge. 3. I listened to her tips on efficient storage, so everything fit really well which was just incredibly satisfying to see.

So she recommends making the first tidying up a big event - like you take a whole day and go through everything and get your space just how you want it. Then, you have a goal to aspire to in the future for tidying up - and you'll love your tidy organized space so much you'll want to keep it that way. Now I just clean once a week. It's easy since I know where everything goes now and have a mental sorting strategy with clear rules of what I keep and how.

I'll describe my new system for time and info management that's been working well.

Keep a memo book and a pen in your pocket where ever you go. You could use a phone, but those run out of battery and generally take more effo
Basically information is going to be dumped on you the whole semester. You're going to forget stuff. Even if you don't forget stuff, you're going to waste time thinking about stuff that paper can remember for you. Use your memo to jot down everything you need to do, any important thought or action. Add it to a more permanent system later.

One of my memo book page might read like:

> 08 / 23
buy:

• milk bought $2.99
  
• eggs
  
• bread bought $1.99
  TODO: Do project 1 CS340
  Deadline: sunday
  TODO: Study Python re module
  TA Office Hours: Wed 3-4p
  Batman's number: 555-555-5555
  
  
  >---
  08/24 ...
  
  At night, I sort and add these to a system. Random thoughts and todos go into Emacs' extension Org Mode which I've been learning and recommend highly for those unafraid of a learning curve. Most people would enter these information into something like google calendar. Things like the milk that I purchased go into a finance program. Things like the Python re module I will decide at night whether it's actually worth my time or not (you should give yourself a little time to stew before committing to anything.) Things like numbers will get added to my contact book (emacs also makes this easy). The point is, all information is collected so it's not lost, and sorted when time permits so it's found easily.
  
  Everyday in the morning I review my agenda (which org automatically generates. Sweet.) and sometimes I peek at it later if I think I'm forgetting something. I'm trying to get mobileorg working so I can just use that with dropbox to sync agendas on my phone.
  
  Another rule that goes extremely well with this so you don't write a ton of useless junk in your memo is, "If it takes two minutes, do it now."
  
  I'm still building this, and I'm reading through Getting Things Done at a snails pace, but a bunch of the above is based on that.
  
  TL;DR: Keep a memo book and pen. Write down important items so you don't forget or waste time thinking about it. Capture all information and make it easily useful.

I really enjoyed the book Never Eat Alone which is a great guide to making meaningful and lasting connections.

Another one that really clicked with me is The Charisma Myth which argues that charisma isn't something you're either born with or not, it's something that can be practiced and focused in a way that is incredibly useful. Highly recommend this one.

And finally, I recommend The Like Switch which has some really useful guidance for communicating in a way that makes everyone involved in the conversation feel better, which makes people like you, which makes them more receptive to you.

I also have a 1 hour commute and don't have the attention span to follow along with fiction when I'm driving so I listen to a lot of non-fiction like this.

http://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397

> Understanding Emotions
>
> If a proper education has to include an understanding of thinking, it also has to include an understanding of feelings.
>
> Unfortunately, many parents implicitly teach children to repress their feelings and emotions-or those which parents find disturbing. "Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about!" "Don't you dare get angry!" "Don't be afraid! Do you want people to think you're a sissy?" "No decent girl has such feelings!" "Don't be so excited! What's the matter with you?"
>
> Emotionally remote and inhibited parents tend to produce emotionally remote and inhibited children. This is accomplished not only through their overt communications but also by their own behavior, which signals to a child what is "proper," "appropriate," "socially acceptable." Further, parents who accept certain teachings of religion are likely to convey the unfortunate notion that there are such things as "evil thoughts" or "evil emotions." "It's a sin to feel that!" The child may learn moral terror of his or her inner life.
>
> An emotion is both a mental and a physical event. It is an automatic psychological response, involving both mental and physiological features, to our subconscious appraisal of what we perceive as beneficial or harmful to ourself.· Emotions reflect the perceiver's value response to different aspects of reality: "for me or against me," "good for me or harmful," "to be pursued or to be avoided," and so forth .·A discussion of the psychology of emotions may be found in The Disowned Self
>
> (I omit here certain experiences of anxiety and depression whose roots may be biological and may not fully fit this definition.)
>
> To cease to know what we feel is to cease to experience what things mean to us. This unconsciousnes~ is often actively encouraged in chil- dren. A child may be led to believe that emotions are potentially dan- gerous, that sometimes it is necessary to deny them, to make oneself unaware of them. The child can learn to disown certain emotions and cease to experience them consciously. On the psychological level, a child deflects awareness, thereby ceasing to recognize or acknowledge certain feelings. On the physical level, a child inhibits breathing, tenses his or her body, induces muscular tensions, and blocks the free flow of feelings , thereby inducing a partial state of numbness.
>
> I do not wish to imply that parents are the only source of childhood repression. They are not. Children can learn on their own to protect their equilibrium by disowning certain of their feelings, as I discuss in Honor- ing the Self However, it is undeniable that too many parents encourage the practice of emotional repression by making it a tacit condition of their approval.
>
> As the child grows, he or she may slash away more and more feelings, more and more parts of the self, in order to be accepted, loved, and not abandoned. ,!he child may practice self-repudiation as a survival strat- egy. He or she cannot be expected to understand the unfortunate long- range consequences.
>
> A teacher is in a position to teach children a rational respect for feelings coupled with an awareness that one can accept a feeling without having to be ruled by it.
>
> We can learn to own when we are afraid, and accept it, and (for instance) still go to the dentist when it is necessary to do so. We can learn to admit when we are angry, and talk about it, and not resort to fists. We can learn to recognize when we hurt, and own the feeling, and not put on a phony act of indifference. We can learn to witness our feelings of impatience and excitement, and breathe into them, and yet not go out to play until we have finished our homework. We can learn to recognize . our sexual feelings, and accept them, and not be controlled by them in self-destructive ways. We can learn to recognize and accept our emotions without losing our minds. We can learn to wonder: What might my feelings be trying to tell me? What might I need to consider or think about? We can ·learn that a pain or fear confronted is far less dangerous than a pain or fear denied.
>
> We can learn that we are accountable for what we choose to do, but that feelings as such- are neither moral nor immoral-they simply are. Today, this is the kind of understanding some people gain only in psychotherapy. But in the schools of the future, no one will finish the twelfth grade without having been exposed to these ideas. They will be an integral part of everyone's education because of their clear impor- tance to the achievement of a decent life. We can learn to recognize and accept our emotions without losing our minds.
>
> It need hardly be added that if a teacher is to succeed in teaching self- acceptance, he or she must be comfortable in accepting the feelings of students, must create an environment in which such acceptance is felt by everyone. Children who feel accepted find it easier to accept them- selves.
>
> This point was made previously in our discussion of effective parent-ing and of necessity it is made again here. Indeed; virtually all of the principles identified in the preceding chapter have application in the classroom. For example, handling mistakes with benevolence rather than as if they were shameful; for reasons I trust are clear, how a teacher responds to a student's mistakes can have an impact on the rest of the student's life. Few schools today teach the art of thinking and fewer still teach the things I have been saying about emotions. But the schools of the future will have to.
>

Hey man, many of us have felt the way you did. Wearing layers in summer, avoiding people... all of it. You're not alone. We can help.

These things will make you feel better by improving your appetite, mood, and energy:

• Get more sleep. Stop using screens after 9pm, they disrupt your sleep patterns.
  
  
• Quit smoking. Apparently this book is extremely effective. Check out /r/stopsmoking/ for more help.
  
  
• Drink water. This one's easy. Buy a 32 oz Nalgene, fill it up in the morning, keep it at your desk, and sip from it all day until it's finished. Additionally, drink water with all of your meals. I didn't realize I was dehydrated until I started doing this.
  
  These things will make you bigger:
  
  
• Eat more food. Easier said than done, right? So let's start with one small step.
  
  
• Drink a homemade shake every night before bed. Here is my recipe:
  
  >2 cups whole milk
  
  >1 scoop whey protein
  
  >2/3 cup oat flour
  
  >3 tbsp natural creamy peanut butter
  
  >5 ice cubes
  
  Blend until smooth and drink. It tastes decent--better than mass gainer, I'd wager--but feel free to add fruit or whatever you like. This is 1000 calories. That's probably too much for you to start with, so cut it in half. If the milk doesn't sit well with you, switch to Protein Nutmilk. This stuff is awesome. It has almost as many calories as dairy, but with much less sugar and 10g of protein.
  
  An extra 500 calories a day will cause weight gain, and because you're consuming it before bed, you're not affecting the rest of your meals.
  
  Start with that, do it consistently for a month, and then review. Did you gain weight? Great, keep it up. No? Come back and we'll re-evaluate.
  
  You will want to start lifting soon, but let's get these things on track first.

This is directly taken from another comment of mine in this thread.

"These 'gender norms' have evolved as a stereotype for a reason. They weren't just created out of thin air. Yes they are self-propagating now which is apparent by walking into any toy store but you know what? In general girls like pink things and boys like blue things. It only becomes a problem when the boy wants a pink thing and you tell him "no! that's for girls" or the girl wants a blue thing and you tell her "no! that's for boys"."

Girls toys are pink because in general girls like pink. As I said it has become self-propagating now because of years of market reasearch and basically manipulating children into what to buy but this is based on something. People didn't just wake up one day and say "Let's sell girls pink shit and make them want it". They recognized girls gravitating towards certain colors/types of toys and responded accordingly.

While it has gotten pretty out of hand and like you said 'fucked up'. And I never once in this discussion stated that there was nothing fucked up about all of this. I legitimately think that in general terms gender norms have grown out of something and not out of thin air. Girls will gravitate towards dolls and boys will gravitate towards trucks without any previous manipulation. There are tons of studies on this. There's an amazing article written by a hardcore feminist about how she thought all this gender norm stuff was harmful and bullshit until she had a little girl and this little girl ended up loving the girliest pinkest crap out there. Couldn't find it for you, at work and man I must have read it like 3 years ago at least but it gets my point across.

We are projecting our own biases and insecurities onto these children. It is just as wrong to tell kids 'you don't have to touch that pink toy because you're a girl, you can play with these'. You're nudging her towards something else by indicated her interest in the barbie is somehow wrong. Just throw a pile of toys in front of her and let her go to town or ask her straight up what she would rather without imposing yourself on her.

These kinds of gender norms only become a problem when you take an active role in preventing your child from doing something that has nothing negative associated with it. An example of this would be my aunt who refused to let her little boy of 3-4 play with dolls because little boys "don't play with dolls". If you go to walmart and your little girl walks into the barbie section and is in awe and wants everything that's fine. If she gravitates towards the Marvel toy section and would rather buy Captain America that's fine too. Just like it's perfectly okay for a little boy to want a barbie.

I mean the same can be said about adult retail spaces. Walk into any electronics store and look at the layout and tell me there's nothing fucked up about that? An unbelievable amount of psychological and economic research goes into laying something out in a store to maximize sales and profits and none of them have to do with propagating some sort of hidden gender norm agenda. Walmart could give two fucks about making sure girls like pink things, they just want to sell as many barbies as possible.

The underlying problem here has nothing to do with boys toys versus girls toys but how retail as a whole manipulates people. I think that a lot of adults talk about how bad retail is at propagating child stereotypes because children are 'susceptible' to this because the adults somehow view themselves as immune to these market factors. If anything we are far more susceptible. Pick up a book called "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion" and give it a read. That thing had me scared to leave my house for weeks. There is a ton of material on this topic you can find, I don't know where this book stands in comparison to others but I found it to be a well written and well researched entry level book into the field by someone fairly well regarded in that community.

http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396899886&sr=8-1&keywords=influence+the+psychology+of+persuasion

Dude, this sounds especially fucking brutal.

Money sounds tight for you... So I feel guilty suggesting this, but have you tried a charisma course?

https://www.charismaoncommanduniversity.com/

I am a member, and it's $100 a month for 6 months. I have gotten a lot out of it. I'm trying to make the leap from analyst to manager for the last year and have failed every chance I've got. That said, I'm at least feeling better and more social. People around me like me more, and I like me more.

JP's advice and videos are good, but focus on specific things that are not always actionable.

They also have a youtube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand

Which gives some of there content away for free and discusses other things not in their paid content. Another cheaper option is "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Carbane, it has an excellent list of activities to help make yourself more positive and charismatic.

https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947

Squid and Dr. PP both recommend the art of learning, and the inner game of tennis and they're both godlike so I'd take their advice. Flow is really good too.

Something cool you could do is get into chess. I only played chess seriously for a few months really, but I feel like it gave me another angle to think about tactics and strategy in. Chess is really fun and it'll give you that same competitive brain feeling melee does without killing your hands.

/r/chess has lots of guides about how to get into the game and stuff. There's lots of cool websites now like www.chesstempo.com where you can do tons of tactics training puzzles that are really fun and make the learning curve for beginners a lot less steep than it was back in the day when chess books were the only option(which are great, but it's really hard as an absolute beginner to sit down with a chess book and actually make it through it).

If you're already like 2100 fide rated or some shit then just ignore this lol.

I wouldn't say it's so black / white, but there definitely is a range and you describe the endpoints well.

Inconveniencing, and being inconvenienced are 2 sides of the same coin. This kind of (passive) aggressive behavior can quickly become co-dependent and dysfunctional...

IMO, the first way you describe simply is more efficient and doesn't have the moral pain attached to it that the second often does.

I grew up in a very strongly religious family. Cult even. It took quite a while to get over the old ideas they had pounded into my head and heart. I'm a much happier person now though! It's totally worth the work. It's FUN even, if you ask me. :)

One of the first things that really helped me was a book called "When I Say No I feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith

It has very simple techniques and ideas you can put into real-life use to stop manipulation in it's tracks. Assertively setting healthy boundaries is a very useful skill! I can't recommend it, or the book, enough.