Reddit mentions: The best parenting & relationship books

Congrats on soon becoming a mom! Since you're already self aware of your pessimism/narc fleas, you'll be able to avoid doing what was done to you. I have two kids but didn't realize my parents were narcs until after they were both born. I've always feared that I would become my father and for the first few years of my first child's life, I basically was. I found myself getting irrationally frustrated at his normal child behavior and yelling at him. My wife, much like your husband, came from a loving family and told me my behavior wasn't healthy. Long story short, I sought out therapy and have made significant changes in the way I parent. My kids are much happier now, my wife is much happier and so am I.

I can offer you a couple of pieces of advice:

• As a parent your goal should be to raise a health, happy human being. The way you do that is by teaching your child how to conduct themselves in the world, how to socialize, how to interact with others, how to apply themselves and so forth. What your parents probably did to you was yell, threaten and use emotional manipulation to control your behaviors. You basically want to do the opposite of this. You want to teach your child how to control themselves so they can make the correct decisions on their own. Let's take your greens example. Instead of yelling at them, you should offer them the greens and explain why eating greens is important. You should also model for them the behavior you want by eating the greens yourself. If they tell you they don't like greens, then offer them several other healthy options and let them decided which one they like. Here is a great video that talks about this and offers more advice on effective, healthy discipline.

• Pickup a copy of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. My therapist suggested this book to me and it really is magic. It sounds too good to be true when you read but it actually works! It's changed the entire dynamic of how I interact with my children.

• Don't react to your kids. When they act out or do something you don't like, stay calm, think about what you should do, then respond appropriately. There is a difference. Your child will need to learn how to regulate and control their emotions. They learn that from watching their parents. If they see mom blowing up and losing her cool after they do something you don't like, they will learn that is how they are supposed to respond when something is done to them that they don't like. By staying calm you show them how to appropriately respond to stressful situations.

• Take responsibility for your actions. If you mess up, or you yell at your child for something, admit you were wrong and apologize to them. Explain to them that what you did was not acceptable and that you are working on changing your behavior. Show them you were wrong but that you are working towards fixing it. This will build huge amounts of trust with your child. No one is perfect. They will see that you mess up sometimes too but you take responsibility and do your best to make it better. Part of this is also learning from your own mistakes. You do actually have to take responsibility and make sure you learn from your own mistakes so you don't do them again. If you tell your child you won't do it again, but then you do it again 3 more times, they will get the message that you say one thing but do another. Don't let this happen!

• Kids change every day. What works for you one day will eventually change and you'll have to figure out a new way to do it. That's totally normal and part of process of parenting. As much as your kids will be learning from you, you'll also be learning how to be a parent from them. I know that sounds strange but it's true. Your kids will present you with different challenges and you'll have to figure out how to overcome them.

• Give them praise. Tell them your proud of them. Tell them they're brave. Prop them up every chance you can. They need your love and support through their entire lives. Love them, support them and be there for them. This will mean you'll have put your interests aside at times but do it for them. Build up their self esteem with positive messages, kind words and healthy role modeling. Be the person you want them to be. Be the person you always wished your parents would be.

• Make sure you take care of your needs. You need proper rest, nutrition, exercise, socialization, relaxation and so forth. Take the time to recharge your batteries once in awhile. This will help you stay calm and help you be a better parent. You can't fill another person's bucket if yours is empty.

• Communicate with your husband everyday. Talk about the challenges your facing, the things you find helpful, the small wins you get. Listen to him, talk about his life and his concerns. Be partners in parenting. Talk things through and find solutions to problems together.

• Be present with your kids. Put away the distractions (phone, TV, internet) and enjoy them. They will grow up faster than you ever though possible. Enjoy the happy moments. Take lots of pictures and videos.

• Listen to them. Listen to their needs and desires and help them grow as humans. They will need your guidance as they reach certain milestones in their life (first day at school, first time a friend is mean to them, etc). Be there for them.

• When in doubt, show them love. You won't have all the answers all the time and that's okay. What your child wants more than anything, especially when they're young, is your unconditional love. Even if you're upset with them, tell them you love them. It will mean a lot to them.

One last thing I would say is keep an open mind and work on being the best you can be. No one really knows how to be a parent until they become one. We all learn how to do it as we go. Stay positive, be a good role model and love your child. You'll do great!

On the advice of friends, I got a Pack and Play to use as a cosleeper, as well as an extra one for the living area. I'm getting two cribs that can convert to toddler beds, but we plan to only set up one at first. My ideal set up would be to have a non-mini Arm's reach cosleeper in the bedroom, but I haven't yet found one at reasonable price.

Some babies love swings and others dislike them, so I'm starting with one swing, a rock n play, and a vibrator/bouncer and I'm going to see which item is most popular. I've been told that all of those can cause head deformities if the babies are in them for too long, so I have two maya wraps, two slings, and an ergo so we wear them.

I went with the Chicco keyfit car seat wise since it had the highest rating on consumer reports and, after playing with what friends had, I liked it the best. The chicco cortina together is very nice and I loved it when I tried it out, but it wouldn't fit in my car, so I found a used Snap N Go for $25 instead. I decided to get that style instead of the side-by-side because I've heard of people having problems fitting the side-by-side in small doorways.

In addition to the double stroller, I also got a Chicco keyfit caddy because I plan on wear one baby and push the other around.

I decided to get the car seat strollers for when they are young because I want to make things as simple as possible when I'm still new to this whole parenting thing. I also want to try out a single versus a double stroller since I know people who prefer each, and the frame strollers are small enough that I can fit both in my car.

I've been using craigslist, a local message board, and Mothers of Multiples consignment sales to get good deals on a lot of items, so in the end, I expect to spend less on my strollers than many people pay for one new one. I'm buying the crib and carseat new, and I've gotten a few other items as gifts, but everything else is used because I'd rather be overstocked and try out items than find myself lacking something useful later.

As far as books go, I highly recommend When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets and Quads because of its scientific, fact filled approach. Mothering Multiples for breast feeding techniques. I'd also recommend going to your library and checking out various books on raising twins. I can't remember all of the books I found helpful because I read so many. For general child care, Happiest Baby on the Block is a must read (or see, there's a DVD). My friend who had a premature baby said that this book saved her life. At first she thought her daughter just didn't like being swaddled, but it turned out that you are supposed to swaddle premature babies differently than full term ones. Now that her daughter is properly swaddled, she's much calmer. That book also inspired me to spend the money on a sleep sheep which is currently kidnapped by a friend.

Another thing that you may want to consider is cloth diapering. I've attended a few Mother of Multiples groups, and cloth diapering has been repeated many times as a way to save money on diapers. Even though I live in a small town, there are local stores and groups for parents to share techniques and tips on cloth diapering. Mine are due to November, so I haven't personally tried it out, but on the advice of other multiple members, I have a bunch of premature diapers for when they are newborn, and a growing collection of cloth (bought used to save money) for once they are bigger. Since I'm having two boys, I'm also making/buying cloth wipes so I can avoid pee mishaps during changing time. You can also buy wash cloths in bulk that perform a similar function, but I've priced making my own or buying used as cheaper.

Congrats!

Not all of these are "parenting" books, but they get at various aspects of what you might be looking for/need to help you prepare (in no particular order):

• Bringing up Bebe - Tells the parenting story of an American expat. living in Paris, and how she observed different parenting techniques between American and French families, and how that plays out in children's behavior. It is a fun "experience" story and I think it lends some interesting insights.
  
  
• Pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn - I think this is the most informative, neutral, pregnancy book out there. It really tries to present all sides of any issues. I can't recommend this book enough. From here, you could explore the options that best fit your needs (e.g. natural birth, etc.)
  
  
• Taking Charge of Your Fertility - Look into this if you find you are having trouble conceiving, or if you want to conceive right away. Really great tips on monitoring the body to pinpoint the most fertile times and stay healthy before becoming pregnant.
  
  
• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding - This is published by Le Leche League and really has everything you need to know about breastfeeding, pumping, etc. After baby is born, kellymom.com is a good resource for quickly referring to for breastfeeding questions later, but seriously don't skip this book - it is great!
  
  
• Dr. Spock's Baby and Childcare - Really comprehensive and probably the most widely read book about every aspect of child health and development (and also a lot of what to expect as parents.)
  
  
• NurtureShock - by far the most interesting book I've ever read in my life. Basically sums up research on child development to illuminate how many parents and educators ignore research based evidence on what works well for raising children. If you read nothing else in this book, at least read the sleep chapter!
  
  
• What's Going on in There? - This book was written by a neuroscientist after becoming a mom about brain development from pregnancy through about age 5. It has some of the same research as NurtureShock but goes way more in depth. I found it fascinating, but warning, I could see how it could scare some people with how much detail it goes into (like how many people feel that "What to Expect When Expecting" is scary.)
  
  
• Happiest Baby on the Block - There is a book, but really you can/should just watch the DVD. It has 5 very specific techniques for calming a fussy baby. Here are some recent reddit comments about it. Someday I will buy Dr. Karp a drink - love that man!
  
  
• The Wholesome Baby Food Guide - this book is based on a website which has some of the same information, but the book goes way more in depth about how to introduce food, with particular steps, to set baby up for a lifetime of good (non picky) eating habits.
  
  
• A variety of sleep books, so you can decide which method you might be comfortable with (I believe the Baby Whisperer and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child are pretty middle of the road, but you can look into bedsharing (The Dr. Sear's books) or the other end (Babywise) as discussed in other comments already here, etc. - these last two links I am letting my personal bias show - sorry, but I just think it is good to know all sides of an issue.)
  
  
• Huffington Post Parents section often has "experience" articles, and browsing subs like this can help with that too.
  
  
• A lot of people love the Bill Cosby Fatherhood book too, but my husband and I haven't read it, so I can't say for sure what is in it, but I imagine it is "experiences" based
  
  
• The Wonder Weeks - describes when and how babies reach developmental milestones, what to expect from those, and how to help your baby with them.
  
  Edit: I wanted to add brief descriptions and links (I was on my phone yesterday when I posted this.) I also added in the last book listed.
  
  I have literally read hundreds of parenting/child dev. books. I consider these to be the best of the best in terms of books that cover each of their respective topics in depth, from almost all perspectives, in as neutral of a way as possible, so that you can then make decisions about which more extreme (I don't mean that in a bad way) parenting styles might work for you and your family (e.g. attachment parenting, natural vs. medicated birth, etc.)
  

There's no such thing as too early to get a binder. If you don't have breast growth, you don't need one. If you have enough growth that you need one, you're old enough to have one. Nor are you too young to go on T, but given that your family is both unsupportive and completely clueless, you should be pushing for blockers, not T.

The books The Transgender Child and The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill are the two halves of your new bible, seriously. Read them, then give them to your parents. (Never give or recommend anything you haven't read yourself!) There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)

Check out Camp Aranu'tiq. You'd love it.

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it when they're ready. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. (If you're 18+ by the time they're ready, have them join http://groups.yahoo.com/group/transkidsfamily/ , which is for parents of Trans folks of all ages.) There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid. Frame it in terms of them getting their needs met, not a means to an end where you get your needs met. They're a lot more likely to be receptive to the idea if they don't think it's just a ploy to get them to give you what you want. It's hugely important for them to talk to other parents, just as important as it is for you to talk to other Trans guys. It's not healthy for you or for them if you're their only connection to what, to them, is a very foreign and possibly very frightening world. They need to hear other parents - NOT just you - tell them that you should be trusted to know yourself, and that you are not doomed because you're Trans. Yes, you will find love, yes, you will find a job/career, yes, you will be happy; no, you will not be outcast from society, no, you will not be looked at as a freak wherever you go, no, you will not be alone and miserable forever. Parents worry about that stuff. You can reassure them, but ultimately it's reassurance from other parents whose kids have transitioned and (miraculously!) turned out fine and live happy lives that's going to convince them.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), the Gender Odyssey conference, and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.

The nice folks at the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Center for Gender-Affirming Care at Rady Children's Hospital San Diego, the Gender Management Service clinic at Phoenix Children's Hospital, the Transgender Center at St. Louis Children's Hospital, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you aren't near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.

Parent of a 2 yr old getting ready for number 2 here. I'd say (in no particular order)...

• Do some arm weight exercises. You will spend a lot of time with your kid held in one arm and trying to cook/clean/game/carry/whatever with the other. Try walking around with a 20lb bag of flour carried in one arm for an hour. Hard work! Some arm weights now (for both of you) will pay off.
  
  
• We've been using G Diapers and we're quite happy with them. Biodegrade in 6 months, flushable, wet ones are compostable, about the same price as disposables, (arguably) more green than cloth, and no doing multiple loads of laundry every day with poop in your washing machine. Amazon subscriptions for diapers & wipes will be your favorite thing.
  
• Buy and read Happiest Baby on the Block. Seriously! The author's argument is essentially that humans have huge heads and are therefore born about 3 months before they are really ready (compared to other mammals) to allow both mother & child to survive the process. Anything you can do to simulate the womb environment during the first 3-6 months will help dramatically. This means swaddling, white noise (womb is a VERY noisy place and quiet is not what babies want), etc. Book is short but using the techniques in it I was able to take my newborn from full bore crying to asleep in about 30 seconds. As in, asleep in mid-scream. Highly recommended.
  
• Swaddling. Learn it, use it, love it. Up to 6 months IIRC. They make some specialized swaddling blankets which are pretty great when the kid is older. The concept is basically that kids don't have a lot of control over their motor functions early on so swaddling keeps them from accidentally waking themselves. Also warm and snug like the womb (see above) so makes 'em happy.
  
• Breastfeeding is hard and doesn't work for everyone. If you want to do it (and everyone generally recommends it), be aware (and make sure the mother is aware) that it isn't automatic and it isn't always easy. Your hospital is going to have lactation consultants on site and when you're in the recovery room post-birth, they're free! GET THEM TO COME HELP! Let me say that again, get the lactation consultant to come help when you're in the hospital. They usually only go to people who are having trouble, so get your nurse to have one come by if you are at all unsure of what's happening. Talk to them afterwards if you are still having trouble, but you'll have to pay an hourly rate. There are a surprising number of helpful instructional videos on youtube. I know, crazy but true.
  
• OK, all that said, don't freak out if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. It doesn't work for everybody. Buy a small can of formula and a few bottles to have on hand when you're home from the hospital. Supplementing with formula if mom is having trouble producing enough or switching over completely if it just isn't working is absolutely fine and does not mean you're a bad parent. Yes, breast feeding is generally better but formula produces perfectly good kids. If you do formula, the stuff from Costco is cheap and good. Consumer Reports & USDA agree. You'll save 50% plus.
  
• Making baby food is SUPER easy. E.g., put sweet potatoes in the oven for a while, chop, puree in a blender/food processor, put in ice cube trays, freeze, move to zip-top bags, done. You'll save lots of money and it's really quite easy. You do NOT need one of those expensive DIY kits. Do NOT make carrots at home. I forget the details (see google if you're curious) but home made carrot baby food can be poisonous.
  
• Apparently popcorn is very dangerous for children. The hulls of the kernels can get caught in the throat at a variety of points which in the worst case scenario means that the kid can stop breathing and a tracheotomy won't help. Literature I saw said don't give kids popcorn until they're 5.
  ... and now I need to go to work. Hope this helps. May add more later if I think of something helpful.

One of my wife's friends wrote this one...not a bad book, I suppose. Lots of good information about pregnancy, things that are good to know from the dad's perspective.

The one your wife is going to read, and you should also read, is the classic What to Expect book. That's sort of the "pregnancy bible", lots of really good information in there, most women read it.

Another one that I really got a lot out of is If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Be OK. That's written by an ER doctor who talks about how to tell the normal illnesses and maladies that aren't worrisome from the ones that you actually do need to be concerned about. It's saved my wife and I from a handful of ER/Doctor's Office visits.

The final one is the one I recommend over anything else. If you buy no other books/dvds, buy this one. It might save your life, sanity, and/or marriage:

The Happiest Baby On The Block

I'd recommend both the book and the DVD, but if you only get one, get the DVD. Hell, many libraries carry it.

Any and every parent I know who has watched it basically thanks Harvey Karp for making the first 3 months entirely bearable. It teaches you how to soothe a screaming infant, quickly and calmly...it makes for a happier child, and happier parents. Buy it, or rent it, or whatever...just make damned sure you see it before d-day.

Outside of that, a quality swing that plugs in (not one that runs on batteries...you will spend the difference in cost between the two on batteries) can be great. Our little girl, along with a few of our friends kids, all loved the Ocean Wonders one by Fisher Price...although for whatever reason, it seems to be ridiculously expensive on Amazon. I believe we paid 150 or 200 for it brand new. Worth every penny...cheap swings are just that: cheap. They aren't comfortable, they aren't well made, and they don't work for particularly picky infants (e.g. my daughter). I have a few friends who had more laid-back kids who have said that the cheaper swings work, so if money is tight that's something you might wait on until you meet the child:)

For most baby stuff, you get what you pay for. The stuff that works is going to be expensive because it works. I tell most of my friends that my experience is that you buy the best rated thing you can afford (just because it's expensive doesn't necessarily mean it's good, always find product reviews!).

Anyhow, through the pregnancy, the best thing you can do is just be interested and involved. Try to remember that your wife/partner might seem to lose her mind a few times, and it's mostly hormones...so let the crazy slide a little bit more than usual.

Other than that, just square yourself with the idea that your old life is done, and you now have a new one. Everything changes with kids, and the more OK you are with that, the better you will be as a dad. It's the best change you could ask for, and most dads will say that they wouldn't go back to the life of video games and nightly partying for anything in the world now that they are dads. It's worth giving all of that up a million times over. But don't fight it. Don't tell your wife that she can handle being home with her one-month old alone because you're stressed and need some time with your boys. Don't say that you can't get up in the middle of the night because you have an early tee time. Don't tell her that you shouldn't have to help clean up the kitchen because you worked all day.

That kind of stuff comes naturally to most guys, and I certainly hope it does for you. You find that when you just let the change envelop you, instead of trying to shoehorn your old lifestyle into your new life, things are easier and much more fun. The change is good, and it is inevitable. Fighting it just makes you, your wife, and your child miserable.

Hah, I remember reading an amusing story about a bishop who asked a teenage girl if she masturbates, and she innocently asked him what "masturbates" means, and he turned all red and flustered and wouldn't answer. So she goes home and asks her dad what "masturbates" means, and tells her dad that the bishop asked. The dad got redfaced and called up the bishop and yelled at him for asking his daughter such an invasive question. Meanwhile, this girl still didn't know what the word meant or why it was creating so much commotion, and eventually she looked it up in a dictionary and figured it out herself.

The relevance being that you spent so long not even knowing what homosexuality is because they wouldn't talk about it, so you didn't even know that was what you were because information on sexuality is so limited.

Your stories sound familiar. I had a very similar experience going off to college. Once I was around people who weren't all mormon, the option of thinking for myself and considering whether I wanted to be like them became much more real. While living at home, it just wasn't an option to even think about leaving the church, too much was at stake. But out in the real world, I suddenly had the breathing room like you said, to actually consider what I want and what I believe on my own. And that's when I lost my faith and realized that the mormon church doesn't feel true to me.

I'm anxious to hear how it goes with your family. Depending on their reaction, you might want to consider giving them a book, one of my very favorite books ever. No More Goodbyes, by Carol Lynn Pearson. Do you know about Carol Lynn Pearson? She's a famous mormon author, probably best known for My Turn On Earth, which is a play/film which they probably made you watch if your sunday school teacher ever didn't show up for class (back when you attended). She also does a lot of mormon-themed poetry. But her story is that her husband was gay, and his priesthood leaders told him that he could overcome homosexuality and become straight if he'd just marry a woman in the temple. So he married her, and they had four children, before it became obvious that he was as gay as ever and no change was coming. Their marriage ended and he went to San Francisco, but this was the 80's when the AIDS epidemic had just begun and nobody knew how to be safe, and he ultimately died of AIDS. But even though it was a very painful ordeal, Carol Lynn and her husband remained close, and remained friends, and she remained supportive of him. And she realized that the church had nothing useful to say about homosexuality, and how there was absolutely no support out there for what her family was going through, and that the only things being said were horribly wrong. So she used her position of influence as a well-respected mormon author, and she wrote a very important book called Goodbye I Love You, which is the story of what happened with her husband. It doesn't preach, it doesn't over-advocate any position, it just presents her husband as a real, human person trying to do the best he can in an impossible situation. You read that book, and you can't believe so many of the lies that the church teaches about homosexuality being selfish or the result of sin or whatever, and you also realize that homosexuality is real, inborn, and not changeable. But because she tells it as a fellow faithful mormon, other mormons are open to hearing what she says in a way which they wouldn't listen to those outside the mormon church.

The book was very popular, it was huge. And since she was the first person to say anything helpful about homosexuality in the mormon church, suddenly everyone was coming to her with their stories. All these young gay mormons were coming to her for help and counsel, all these families were coming to her about family members who are gay.

After twenty years of this, she decided to write another book, a follow-up. That's the book I linked above, No More Goodbyes. This one is a compilation of all the many stories of other people who have been coming to her over the years. It has more opinion in it than the first book did, it is a little more bold and open in advocating against homophobia and bigoted treatment of homosexuals. Ultimately though, she still does it within a mormon context, without offending mormon sensibilities, and really the grand conclusion is a call for greater love and tolerance. But when it's done by sharing so many people's stories, it puts a human face on the issue and it makes you realize that these are real, good people we are talking about, not some abstract concept. I can't imagine a mormon reading this book and still harboring hateful or bigoted feelings towards gay people. Carol Lynn Pearson is a hero of mine, she's devoted herself since then to advocating for gay rights.

Anyways I didn't mean to write a wall of text but I really believe that every mormon should read her book, but especially in your situation you might want to get ahold of a copy, read it, and then maybe consider using it as you come out to your parents. Maybe give them a copy for christmas! It's a great launching point to having a positive, productive conversation about your homosexuality where they might be able to understand and support you better.

Also, come join us at r/exmormon!! We've got a great community over there and we'd love to have you.

Here's a bunch of stuff someone gave me. Enjoy!

The book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney is your new bible, seriously. Read it, then give it to your parents. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . You'd love Camp Aranu'tiq.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.

The nice folks at the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you're not near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.

Sure, it's something my husband and I have talked a lot about. We don't want to isolate our kids from religion but we also don't want an overpowering, manipulative religious force from our families. Our families aren't into infant baptism, so we didn't have to deal with that one in particular.

• We stressed that we want to have respectful discussion involving religion.
  
• We told them we intend on exposing our kids to many faiths, theirs included.
  
• We told them they are welcome to share their faith and perspective with our kids, but to approach the topic as what they think, not as an absolute truth.
  
• When we're visiting family, it's fine if they pray before meals, but our kids will not be required to participate (other than not being disruptive). And in our house we don't pray, but they are welcome to quietly to themselves.
  
  We have not addressed religious type gifts specifically yet since our one kid is still young. So far we've just gotten rid of books that are religious and they've caught on that those kind of gifts aren't really welcome. We'll probably communicate some guidelines for that in the future.
  
  A book that was helpful to me is Raising Freethinkers. It's a more practical followup to the book Parenting Beyond Belief. I found it helpful because my only experience is growing up in a very religious environment, and it has lots of ideas on how to approach religion and religious topics with your kids. I like that its goal is to encourage your kids to come to their own conclusions, not just telling them what to think.
  
  Also, our local Unitarian society has an amazing kids religious education program. We're thinking of taking advantage of it for our kids. It helps kids learn about and explore all sorts of ideas about different faiths and beliefs without being dogmatic or indoctrinating.
  
  Hope that informative, and good luck navigating religious ideas with your kids and family!

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can empathize. My fiancé and I are in the middle of planning our own wedding to take place later this year. We've extended invitations to all of our TBM family members and while it seems like most are going to come, there are a few who refuse. It's frustrating because I know that they feel like their decision is justified and that they are "taking a stand" but really, shouldn't family come first... ALWAYS? Attending a gay loved one's wedding to show your love for that member does not necessarily equal an endorsement. I wish they could see that and realize that they need to start owning their religion instead of letting it own them. The one small token of advise I can give you is to get your hand on THIS BOOK. It's cheap, and you can even get the Kindle version if you prefer. I bear my unholy exmo testimony that this book will change your life for the better (way more than the BOM). After you've read it, I encourage you to share it with your family that may be struggling with you and your future wife. I know it sounds like I'm proselyting like some missionary but I can't help it. I am so passionate about this book. I gave it to my parents and other family members and it COMPLETLEY changed their perspectives. It also helped my fiancé and his family, as well as friends we know. Please take my word for it and get yourself a copy of this book. The beauty of it is that it is written by an active LDS woman, who is known by many older Mormons for her poetry. She also wrote that primary song "I'll walk with you" (and she didn't write it in reference to the handicap like I was taught growing up). Sorry for rambling a bit here at the end, but the point is the author, Carol Lynn Pearson, is viewed to be a non-threatening, credible source for TBM's. They'll actually give her a chance. :)

I recommend this book: Raising Freethinkers.

It's less of a practical guide and mostly a series of essays by atheists parents sharing their experiences, but I got some incredibly useful things out of it.

The most useful of which was this. You don't say, Santa isn't real. You say, right from the outset, let's pretend that there's a fat man who flies around the world on a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and he brings presents to children.

In so doing, you invite your child into the game from the get go. They understand, as does everyone else, that this isn't real but that we all pretend it is. Santa thus becomes a far more useful real-world analogy than painfully coming to terms with the fact that you've been lied to. Because really, a large number of people who profess publicly to be Christian (or any other faith, really) don't literally believe, but they go along with it because it's just how the game is played.

If you're subversive, like I am, you start celebrating the holidays of other faiths too, and you give similar preambles. For example, "let's pretend that a man in the sky created the world, and on this day, thousands of years ago, he gave us humans a special book, like a handbook. That's why your Jewish friends at school are having a party." And then you do all the cool holiday stuff associated with it.

Or, "let's pretend that lighting a giant bonfire in the back yard and running around it helps the crops to grow." Beltane is a hilariously fun time.

And so on. Your child is going to encounter religion no matter what, but if they can appreciate all of the different kinds that there are, they'll be in a much better position to see that no single one is more likely to be literally true than any other, and they all involve a large amount of make believe.

My top parenting book, All Joy and No Fun ( https://www.amazon.com/All-Joy-No-Fun-Parenthood/dp/0062072226 ) doesnt give any actual advice, but shares anecdotes and research that give you a better understanding for what is "normal" among middle class American parents, comforts you that your experience is standard, and establishes a basis for making parenting decisions (what you actually want out of life, for you and your kid).

It doesn't give the answers directly to your question, but it lays a baseline for you to figure out where you want to end up at the end of having raised a kid so you can decide how to get there.

it is likely to have the added benefit of strengthening your understanding of your wife and what parenting is like for her.

>Thousands of books have examined the effects of parents on their children. In All Joy and No Fun, award-winning journalist Jennifer Senior now asks: what are the effects of children on their parents?

>In All Joy and No Fun, award-winning journalist Jennifer Senior tries to tackle this question, isolating and analyzing the many ways in which children reshape their parents' lives, whether it's their marriages, their jobs, their habits, their hobbies, their friendships, or their internal senses of self. She argues that changes in the last half century have radically altered the roles of today's mothers and fathers, making their mandates at once more complex and far less clear.

>Recruiting from a wide variety of sources—in history, sociology, economics, psychology, philosophy, and anthropology—she dissects both the timeless strains of parenting and the ones that are brand new, and then brings her research to life in the homes of ordinary parents around the country. The result is an unforgettable series of family portraits, starting with parents of young children and progressing to parents of teens. Through lively and accessible storytelling, Senior follows these mothers and fathers as they wrestle with some of parenthood's deepest vexations—and luxuriate in some of its finest rewards.

>Meticulously researched yet imbued with emotional intelligence, All Joy and No Fun makes us reconsider some of our culture's most basic beliefs about parenthood, all while illuminating the profound ways children deepen and add purpose to our lives. By focusing on parenthood, rather than parenting, the book is original and essential reading for mothers and fathers of today—and tomorrow.

I'm floored at how accurately you have described me and my feelings.

> As a gay mormon, Elder Oak's talk makes me feel that living life is impossible. I really do want to get married and have a family, but it's impossible. Marrying a woman is my idea of a nightmare, marrying a man won't be acceptable to God, my family, and society. I feel I'm painted into a corner.

That sounds exactly like me a few years ago. Exactly. Except that I hadn't told anybody else at that point; it's the sort of thing I would only tell myself via an inner monologue. Being in the closet is a very, very lonely feeling, and so confusing.

> I feel like there is a gaping hole in the plan of salvation for those who are LGTB.

This is exactly how I have felt, and how I feel now. It makes me feel like the church is treating me as second class. As unimportant. "Oh, just shoehorn yourself into this plan that caters to straight people." It doesn't work like that. Feelings of love are the most profound thing; if anything is of God, it's love. How can my deepest, most profound God-given feelings possibly be wrong?

----

I urge you to learn more about the painful intersection of Mormonism and homosexuality. I highly recommend:

• No More Goodbyes, a collection of true stories assembled by Carol Lynn Pearson. Her autobiography, Goodbye I Love You, is also a great read.
  
• Gay Mormon Stories podcast. Self explanatory. The latest episode (as of Oct 9, 2013) is a recounting of various LGBT people's affirming spiritual experiences and definitely worth your time.
  
  North Star was mentioned. Evergreen is a similar organization, which I believe has more official church support than North Star. While those two are focused on dealing with homosexuality within the context of being an active member of the church, another group called Affirmation is more focused on LGBT people accepting themselves first, and letting their church interactions come after that. I have little experience with any of these three groups so can neither recommend nor caution against any of them.

It sounds like the two of you have talked this through and made a decision. That's good. That itself should help your mental state.

Personally, I'm an information person. If something is changing in my life, I look it up. Internet, books, whatever. In this case, I recommend What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. They're pretty straightforward, and have information that will make you feel more informed and comfortable, help you decide what supplies you need and make decisions (breast or bottle, crib or bassinet, circumcision, etc.), as well give you little tidbits about how the baby's developing at each stage and how the mother's body changes (things she might have noticed but not thought to attribute to the pregnancy). If either of you is a worrier, I would recommend you skip the chapter on what could go wrong - every other page mentions the words "hemorrhage and die", and even though a complication that severe is incredibly rare, especially with good prenatal care, it might freak you out again. Personally, I read it, but that's just me.

Support each other, and keep communication very open. You need to be working together on this in every way. Keep in mind she may need physical support, as well as emotional. Morning sickness can be a bitch, or she may be tired all the time. Then again, she may get no symptoms. Every pregnancy is different - even for the same woman. You never know how she'll feel.

Find a good OB/GYN she's comfortable with. It's not fun being groped by and sharing intimate symptoms with someone you don't like. Find out what hospital to go to and if he'll be on call to deliver, and if not, who will be. Try to check the place out - some places offer maternity tours. Basically, plan enough and learn enough that you are as comfortable as possible with the process and confident that you know what you want. Be prepared to change your plan as necessary - it happens, and trust me, it's a significant part of parenting.

As for parenting - Be there for your kid. Spend time together talking, playing, and letting him or her know you love him. Learn to be patient, because you'll need it. Cover those, and you cover most of parenting. The rest is about teaching him to be the person you hope he'll be. Every parent starts with no experience and it's all on the job training, so your not at a disadvantage there. You'll learn as much from your kid as he'll learn from you.

Most importantly, don't worry so much! It will all fall into place, and you're in a much better place to deal with having a child than many. I realize that's futile advice, because even when it's planned, hell, even when it's planned and it's not your first, it's nerve-wracking. Pregnancy is like that. But the panic will subside, and you'll calm down tremendously once you realize that you can handle this - and you CAN handle this.

Congratulations, and good luck :)

I think that you need to protect yourself and your family, but consider this: If you can not be honest about yourself with them, what does that say about the relationship? They are poorer for not knowing your true self and giftedness, and you are unable to become the person that can express themselves most fully. Part of being human is being a partner in your own creation.

Not every congregation is in the same place, but perhaps you can help them along their path to Christ by having the faith to be open with them. I know you would be welcome in my congregation.

There are some books that may help both you and those you choose to share them with that I will mention here.

First, from the Presbyterian tradition is Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality, Revised and Expanded Edition: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church Paperback – April 14, 2009
by Jack Rogers .

Next, from the Mormon tradition is No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones Paperback – December 12, 2016 by Carol Lynn Pearson, an amazing woman, poet and artist I have the honor to know.

And finally, from my own tradition Touched by Grace: LGBT Stories in Community of Christ Paperback – February 1, 2012
by David Howard my late friend who I shared some San Francisco Pride celebrations with, and
Homosexual Saints: The Community of Christ Experience Paperback – January 21, 2008
by William D. Russell, my old friend and professor.

Some of these will be painful reading, but you will know that you are not alone and the end can be filled with joy.

Indoctrination of children is one of the things that annoys me the most. Not only because it happened to me, but because it's part of evangelists' strategy to stop the decline of Christianity: the 4/14 window.

If it's not your own kids, there's not much you can do, unfortunately. But here are some thoughts:

• Spend time with them and build trust
  
• Avoid telling them outright what or what not to believe.
  
• Get them interested in science as much as possible. Maybe steer away from evolution for the moment (but nothing stops you talking about it if they bring it up). Nurture their curiosity about the sun, the stars, animals... Basic astronomy and basic biology.
  
• This is trickier, but let them realize that some people aren't Christian and that's OK too. For example, in October, you could talk to them about Diwali : "You know, at this time of year in India, people put out rows of candles outside!" If the kids ask why, you can give them a reply, like: "To celebrate the victory of good over evil." You don't need to go any further, but they'll know that people of other faiths (and no faiths) also have rituals, celebrations to celebrate similar concepts.
  
• For great practical ideas (conversation starters, easy to do science experiments, etc) I found the book Raising Freethinkers really helpful.
  
  Good luck! :)

I have four kids and wish I had a fifth. I think too many smart, thoughtful people talk themselves out of having kids, and too many people who are . . . well, other than smart and thoughtful are having them.

A child is not just a source of outgoing funds, either. Assuming you like children (and if you like nieces and nephews, you'll love your own kids even more), then they are more rewarding than anything else you'll do. If you are a good parent and have good kids, your children will also be your support in your older years (I don't mean financially), as well as hopefully provide you with the grandkids that will be even more fun, and far less work.

A book that I wish I'd read earlier that I recommend to both parents and those thinking about having kids, is Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids. There's a strong economic case in that book, as well, so it's not off topic.

>It's free

I'm sure you know it's not free, right? The prisons are built and the guards are paid with money stolen from local property owners. If you're saying that you or your parents don't have to pay for it, well... adult prisons are "free" as well, but I don't see many people trying to figure out a way to get in. You know what else is "free?" Parks. Libraries. Volunteering. The internet, the best learning tool ever conceived by man, via public wi-fi.

>My parents would not pay for me otherwise

Like, they would kick you out of the house if you weren't attending prison? Would they not even be open to the idea of alternatives? As I mentioned, if not, maybe you could find support in the community?

>I don't want to be a hermit

Do you not have any personal relationships outside of prison? Understandable if not, but couldn't you use your new found freedom to cultivate such relationships? Again, the AnCap community might be a good place to start...

>I don't think I have many alternatives

What are you interested in learning about? You could try something like WWOOFing. Volunteering, apprenticeship, internships...

>I'm not ready to walk away from my life

Is prison really your whole life though? Are you like Brooks from Shawshank?

>I'll only be there another 2 weeks

Is this your last year? If not, I hope you seriously consider not going back, if so, I'm curious what your plans are for the future? It seems like after twelve years of forced schooling, most people don't know any other way to live and opt for four (or more) years of additional schooling, much to their detriment...

>I've only been an ancap for a couple months

Welcome to the club, brother! As I linked before, I strongly recommend this book, I'd be happy to buy it for you if you're interested.

>Rational people cannot be made worse off by more information

Totally agree! Now if only I could find some of these rational people of which you speak...

Hello! Cei here. Thank you for your question and for your willingness to learn and grow for your community!
Question 1.a. If you are providing a space (a group, a confirmation class, a retreat, a bible study, a weekly potluck, a movie night, etc) for these young people to be themselves- to use they name they choose, to use the pronouns that fit for them, and to create norms where the other youth in the space must be respectful of these identities- then you are creating a safe space for the youth to go through the process of self-actualization in their identity. Ideally the church congregation would also be asked to affirm these youth in their identity. Depending on your comfort level, you could address the congregation and explain that you would like the church to be a sacred and safe space for all, and that in the interest of achieving this goal, you would ask them to respect names, pronouns, and gender expressions of all congregation members. b. One of the best ways to advocate for young people to their parents is to explain that the young person is happy, responding well, and thriving in environments where they are allowed to be themselves. If you have a young person who comes to your group/bible study/etc. who is using the name they choose, the pronouns that fit their identity, and is affirmed by the group around them and they are thriving, tell the young person's parents so. It may be that at home the parents see a kid who is struggling and sad and they are scared that being gender diverse will make things harder for their already unhappy child. To show that gender affirmation can radically improve a kid's quality of life is often the best motivator for parents to adopt affirming language.

2. Here are links to a few resources that we've found helpful over the years: Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, The Transgender Teen, The Genderquest Workbook, Confi's Article on Gender, Families In TRANSition.

I hope this helps, and thanks again for advocating for the gender diverse people at your church!

First off I want to tell you you're an awesome dad. My heart goes out to your daughter. If you think it'll help tell her that a bunch of internet strangers are sending her virtual hugs :)

A quick search for local LGBT resources turned up Stonewall and the LGBT Foundation. TrevorSpace is a private forum run by the Trevor Project, a nonprofit aimed at reducing LGBT teen suicide rates. 7 Cups of Tea is an online therapy site. Hopefully someone in the UK can offer something more specific.

If your daughter has access to a therapist or counselor who is LGBT-positive, encourage her to talk with a professional. Therapy can help develop confidence and coping skills in a hostile environment, and having more support is always a good thing. I struggled with anxiety and insecurity myself (though unrelated to coming out), and it helped me a lot. Do you know if her school has any LGBT resources? Can you talk with teachers or administrators about how she's being bullied? I know that having parents and/or teachers intervening is basically the uncoolest thing ever but anything has to be better than what she's going through. That said, (obviously) talk to her first about what she thinks might help in some way.

See what you can do to minimize exposure to homophobia outside of school. Maybe point her towards some teen-appropriate gay movies and books so that she has some positive examples of lesbian relationships. There are a lot of lesbian couples on youtube who do vlogs - there should be people on this sub who can recommend some channels if you're interested. This book is supposed to be a good resource for parents as well. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Congratulations on getting in on the ground floor so young - I had absolutely no political interest until I was around 21 and learned about libertarianism, but it would have made a significant difference in my life if I had learned about it earlier. Especially since I lived in the same town as Harry Browne, who is often considered to be the best Libertarian presidential nominee (twice nominated, actually) ever.

If I could recommend one thing you do, read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It's a life changing book. If you look around the world to you and see that nothing makes sense and you want to know that you're not the only one who feels that way and you want some answers, Atlas Shrugged is for you. I called into a radio show one time and read my favorite quote from the book (I read a shortened version of the quote but the full text appears in the graphics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnDTUF3_8Qg ). If you don't like reading, I understand perfectly - I HATED reading when I was a teenager: all the garbage is was force fed by the government schools made me associate reading books with agony. Schools don't encourage students to develop their own taste in literature, so if these stats are accurate (they actually seem on the conservative side to me), it shouldn't be surprising:
http://hotforwords.com/2011/04/11/42-of-people-who-graduate-from-college-never-read-another-book/
>1/3 of high school graduates never read another book for the rest of their lives.
42 percent of college graduates never read another book after college.
80 percent of U.S. families did not buy or read a book last year.

Anyway, what I was getting to is that even if hate reading (and this is a VERY long book), you might find the audiobook version a lot easier to swallow:
http://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Shrugged-New-Ayn-Rand/dp/1433256193
The MP3 CD (4 discs) starts at $45 here. It lists the narrator as Scott Brick. He's a different narrator than the version I had listened to by Christopher Hurt. I haven't heard the Brick version, but if you can find the Christopher Hurt version I highly recommend it.

And since you're young, perhaps a good fit for you would be to find a nearby chapter of Young Americans for Liberty:
http://www.yaliberty.org/chapters
They mostly organize on college campuses but I bet they would be more than happy to have a high schooler join.

And while I'm on the topic of college, you're parents will probably try to railroad you into college. Don't let them. INSIST they present you with other options (such as learning a trade) so you can decide for yourself what you want to do. Better yet, research this stuff yourself - I haven't read it myself but the Teenage Liberation Handbook sounds like a great place to start: http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-School-Education/dp/0962959170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322208726&sr=8-1

One more name I want to drop is Johnathan Taylor Gatto - he was a mulitple winner of NY teacher of the year at public schools and has since turned his back on the public school system and researched what it's really about. This 10 minute speech might wet your appetite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8cr0p9HaG8

this book . I read it, but my wife didn't. I was on the fence about having more children. We had three healthy, awesome kids. Why take the chance, you know? My wife, however, is a great mother. She loves being pregnant, she loves giving birth to our children, and would probably love nothing more than to immediately get pregnant again after having our last one.

After I read this, I really felt better about going for the fourth child (and possibly soon the fifth).

> I also dearly wish there were a way to encourage wealthy and educated people to fucking reproduce

Cutting education is a promising start. Not only does school directly delay family formation, but the whole premise of education is that successful people are made through an expensive, arduous training process, when all the evidence shows that genes are more important.

You can't pay a 30-year-old MA enough to settle down and have kids in the next few years, when she's just been through 25 years of school, and been brainwashed into thinking that she has to put her kids through the same, as well as act as their personal servant for decades in order to instill the "love of learning" responsible for her own success (because it definitely wasn't genetic!). You especially can't pay people with high earning potential enough to do this.

We should reassure people that their children will turn out similar to themselves, due to genetics, with no special effort on their part. See Bryan Caplan's Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids. And while you're agreeing with Bryan Caplan, you might also want to check out his case for open borders, especially the part focusing on IQ heritability.

My FTM son came out to me at age 14.

Scene: In the car, coming back from a therapy appointment.

Him: “So... uh... mom... I’m a dude.”

Me (already suspecting he was LGBTQ+): “Oh! Ok. Thanks for telling me! Do you want to talk more about it?”

Him: The floodgates open and it all spills out. He’d been questioning forever and sure for a year, and had already told his friends and therapist.

Me: Feeling sad that he didn’t feel he could share it with me sooner, but trying to hide it. “A year? Did something change that helped you feel ready to tell me now?”

Him: “Well, I knew you’d be OK with it, but you’re very action-oriented. And I wasn’t ready for action. But I am now.”

Me: Laughing, because he nailed it. I would have rushed him. “Yeah. You weren’t wrong. So do you have a plan I can help with?”

He just wanted his correct pronouns at home and school, to talk about new names, and figure out everything else. So that’s what we did.

Now, more than a year later, he has socially and legally transitioned, and just started on T two months ago. All is well.

Good luck! ((Mom hugs))

And if you want to share this with your parents, this book was very helpful for me:

The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens https://www.amazon.com/dp/1627781749/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_e44HDbSF620E1

Hi there! We are also doing a Disney World honeymoon (I read your edit that it's Disney World in Florida, not Land in California, and realized I might actually be helpful!). It will be our first time to Disney World, as well. I've used mostly http://yourfirstvisit.net/ to plan for us. It's targeted toward a family of four going, but I found enough useful tips (including money-saving tips!) for a couple. There are also books that have tips about doing a honeymoon specifically - my sister gave me a copy of this guide: http://www.amazon.com/Unofficial-Guide-Walt-Disney-World/dp/1628090006

Both things cover the whole process of booking from head to toe, so definitely check out at least Your First Visit, since it's a completely free website :)

As far as packages, we did book a resort package (Magic Your Way package) which includes tickets that get you into each park (except the water park, I believe?), but only into one park per day. (So if you start your day in Epcot, for example, Epcot is the only park you can get into for the rest of the day, but the next day you can go to Magic Kingdom, then Hollywood Studios another day, etc.).

I think $2200 is doable, but it definitely depends on how many days you want to go for and how fancy of a hotel/resort room you want. I think the info on the website I linked will help you determine that (it did for us! We decided to splurge on the Pirate-themed rooms at the Caribbean Beach resort, and to stay for 9 days, but to save money by going at a cheap time of year rather than right after our wedding).

Hope this is helpful to you, and HAVE FUN!

Lead by example and let it go from there. Let him ask questions when he's ready. If he asks why doesn't he go to church like his friends do, you can tell him that you don't really believe in God, that you think you and your family are still good people, but would he like some information? Encourage him to ask questions and develop his own opinion.

Here are some resources for you, too.

Website: Atheist Parents

Books: Parenting Beyond Belief and Raising Freethinkers

Good luck, and congrats on your new family! You'll be a great parent. :)

You'd be surprised

>In Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, contrarian economist Bryan Caplan argues that we've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore, and don't know the real plusses and minuses of having kids. Parents today spend more time investing in their kids than ever, but twin and adoption research shows that upbringing is much less important than we imagine, especially in the long-run. Kids aren't like clay that parents mold for life; they're more like flexible plastic that pops back to its original shape once you relax your grip. These revelations are wonderful news for anyone with kids. Being a great parent is less work and more fun than you think—so instead of struggling to change your children, you can safely relax and enjoy your journey together. Raise your children in the way that feels right for you; they'll still probably turn out just fine. Indeed, as Caplan strikingly argues, modern parents should have more kids. Parents who endure needless toil and sacrifice are overcharging themselves for every child. Once you escape the drudgery and worry that other parents take for granted, bringing another child into the world becomes a much better deal. You might want to stock up

My cousin recommended "The happiest baby on the block" as a book. I found it incredibly hard to read but I came away with these methods for soothing a baby:

>The 5 “S’s”: the simple steps (swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing, swinging and sucking) that trigger the calming reflex. For centuries, parents have tried these methods only to fail because, as with a knee reflex, the calming reflex only works when it is triggered in precisely the right way. Unlike other books that merely list these techniques Dr. Karp teaches parents exactly how to do them, to guide cranky infants to calm and easy babies to serenity in minutes…and help them sleep longer too.

As for the "right" combination, just keep calm (babies can sense tension/anxiety) and experiment (as I recall). When teeny-tiny, our son really liked to be swaddled, and shushing worked, well too. We had no qualms about a pacifier - we're not sure how those "crazies" (playful jest, people!) who try to do without pacifiers make it.

Conversely, he was several months old before he got used to a swing, but we could gently bounce with him in our arms while gently rocking to help calm him down.

“This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids” by Danielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo is an awesome resource! It is aimed at the parent’s of queer adolescents (I gifted it to my very accepting mom after I came out at 20 and it was still a great resource to help her organize her thoughts and formulate further questions that prompted thoughtful discussions for us!) and provides really great insight into what present and future issues your child may encounter. Also provides first-hand accounts from queer youth and their parent to provide additional perspectives that you may relate to. An overall wonderful resource from 2 queer-identifying authors.

https://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-Gay-Kids/dp/1452127530

Best wishes to you and your awesome kiddo!

Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.

As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.

I found a lot of the books geared towards mums like What to Expect The First Year and The Toddler Years by the same author/publisher to be a little condescending and where I wanted to know how the brain worked and why my daughter thought like she did, these books answered a little too superficially for my taste, and I also disliked the format. I found myself referring to a textbook I had from college (I started as a nursing major but ultimately went a different route when I discovered I wasn't very good with "customer service"). This book is readable but explains more the physiologic and psychologic changes the child, adolescent, and ultimately adult goes through, and I found it way more helpful than the "mommy" books. Any similar textbook would probably work. I bet they have child development textbooks that would be even better.

I try to live by the "treat others as I would like to be treated" adage and I think the same applies to be successful with children. I don't think being INTJ would be a hinderance to enjoying or relating to children. In fact I think their simple, honest, forthright nature is actually easier for us to understand.

I read "Oh Crap! Potty Training". The author's recommendation is to not start until they are at least 20months and can sing their ABCs. My kid was speech delayed at that age and definitely couldn't sing her ABCs (and still can't, at 2.5yrs), but we dove in right at 20m and she trained super easily compared to most of my friends' kids, even training for naps and nights. It took us like 2w to get to where I felt like I could leave the house without accidents. And she learned to say "pee pee" when she had to use the bathroom, so that was a plus.

My second born will be 20m in 1 week and I can't decide if I want to dive in and go through 2 weeks of potty training accidents to get the sweetness of never needing diapers again. It's a tough call to make!

Anyways, we used the little separate training potty at first, so that she could put herself on her potty and go pee, and then eventually moved up to setting her on the toilet with an insert which was necessary for using the restroom during outings. By the time I potty trained her, she was also sleeping in a big kid bed already which was super helpful.. I would sit her little potty on a waterproof mat on her floor and if she woke up from her nap, she could quickly sit herself on her potty before I could even get in there. She rarely had accidents in bed.

We read a lot of books about toilets... "Everybody Poops", "Potty Time", and "Once Upon a Potty". Some other books I liked were "Diapers are Not Forever", "Potty", and "Let's Go Potty, Elmo!".

Material Goods for the baby:
Carseat,
diapers,
wipes,
baby nail file or baby mittens (newborn nails are SO SHARP),
weather-appropriate clothing (go with the elastic-bottomed gowns for the first 3 months (you want easy access to diapers),
old towels/burp cloths/cheapo 10-pack of washcloths,
a way to carry the baby (Ergo/Moby/baby sling is AMAZING or a stroller),
bottles if you plan on formula feeding/maybe a pump/bottles if you plan on breastfeeding (that one is a wait-and-see purchase),
gentle soap for washing the baby (store brand is fine)
place for baby to sleep (cosleeping/pack n play/crib/swing)

Material Goods for the parents:
Box of ultra-absorbent pads for Mom after the birth,
cheap/old pillows to prop up Mom after the birth,
Mom's favorite water bottle if she's breastfeeding,
old towels to go under Mom (old towels in general for spit up/accidents),
extra laundry detergent,
nursing bra if she's breastfeeding,
some LOUD white noise maker (vac, hair dryer, dryer, sound machine, YouTube hair dryer looping track, etc).
A copy of Happiest Baby on the Block.
CONSIDER getting a pair of noise-cancelling headphones for when you're "off-duty".

Material Goods in general:
LOTS of food that's either easy to prepare (boxed) or pre-prepared (precooked and frozen or canned), and a box of dry milk as a backup for the boxed food (tuna helpers and the like),
paper plates,
disposable utensils,
disposable cups,
vinegar for cleaning (helps get baby spitup out of clothing/carpet).

Other To Do:
1- Make sure you've got a pediatrician picked out.

2- Know the normal baby sleep schedule. Here's a good site. They DO NOT sleep through the night early on, they have to wake to feed every couple of hours. That's NORMAL and anyone who tells you differently can shove a sock in it.

3- Consider the 6-on/6-off sleep system... Mom sleeps from 6pm-midnight while Dad takes care of newborn. Dad sleeps from midnight-6am. Sleeping parent gets the headphones.

4- Remember that the first 3 months are the hardest. It gets easier. And Reddit Parents are usually always here for you.

Good luck!

As far as newborn, we had some good success with the baby white noise albums. This is just a bare example but it comes with a story I will leave for later. Specifically we bought 1 off of iTunes, it was about an hour and a half and included a heartbeat-type noise on top of the general shwooshing noise.

Later when she grew up a bit (6 months old, 1 year old, whatever) we filled up a 2 gig jump drive with all the smooth, mellow, folksy, hipster music I have in my library (bands like The Capsules, Seabear, Sufjan Stevens, Iron & Wine, etc etc)

Why that music? Cause I AM HER FATHER AND SHE WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL HER TO. Nah, but seriously, I like this type of stuff, I picked the softer of it to give to her while sleeping. Music is important to me, I want it to be important to her. At first it was transitioning her from the white noise album to something that meant something to me. Now she cant' sleep without music playing. I'm cool with that for now.

OK, so on to the story about the loud noises and heartbeat: Before The Happiest Baby On The Block became a franchise with DVD sets and followers and a church named after them... (Did that happen yet? It looks like it will) The Happiest Baby On The Block was a book. We bought it and read it and learned a lot of what seems afterwards as obvious information, but while reading, it was unknown.

the point to THIS story is that the 1st 3 months of having a baby you need to replicate what they were used to in the womb. It's loud in the womb, there is all this blood running through vessels and food digesting (I have no idea what the sounds are in a womb) and there is the ever-present heartbeat, cause that guy lives right next door. Anyway, book explains it's loud in there and replicating the noise will actually help calm a newborn, not disturb him.