Reddit mentions: The best parenting teenagers books

Ok serenespidey, as promised, here is a list of resources. Now I know it's a long list, but I wanted to give you a little bit of everything in the hopes that you will find at least one helpful item. Besides, I don't know you so I don't know which approach would work best for you as an individual.

​

That said, if this situation keeps getting worse, do consider home schooling. There is nothing wrong with that. You could finish school in peace. Just be sure the program you choose really does count as a real high school diploma. School should not be torture. After all, there is no shame in walking away from a pointless and losing battle where no one wins. Only the satisfaction of surviving, thriving, healing, and growing. Let everyone else stay behind and suffer. You don't have to stay with them. The best revenge is happiness and success. You can read more on that philosophy in The Power of Acceptance.

The Power of Acceptance is the most practical guide to getting unstuck from negative thinking I have ever read. It helps you stop thinking in a negative way to see all the possibilities available to you. Also touches on the power of attracting good things to your life in a realistic way. No vision boards or meditation necessary. Just real life and real life examples. See the book list below.

​

Besides, home schooling will give you the space to focus only on yourself and not others. Focus on yourself and learning to cope. Coping is a valuable life skill. If you're able to do it while attending school, fine. If not, again, no shame. None of this including negative thinking and not enjoying school is your fault. None of it!

​

Acceptance can be a difficult concept to understand. Know this: It is not the same as giving up. It think it's important to learn and understand acceptance. See this book:

Stuff That Sucks: A Teen's Guide to Accepting What You Can't Change and Committing to What You Can (The Instant Help Solutions Series)

​

Couldn't have said it better myself. As in, you can't change other people, only your response to them. All the best to you!

​

Home Schooling Resources:

One or both of these accepts out of state students, do your research and make sure they count as real high school diplomas. Just in case your state or county doesn't offer home schooling, some don't.



learn.connectionsacademy.com/Florida/ApplyNow‎

​

www.flvs.net/




​

Some YouTube videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-CuyYVTPtc&t=21s

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgaHspUZOiA&t=746s

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Of-_fkfZvM&t=731s

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAwdUMjX0aM&t=60s

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-CuyYVTPtc&t=30s

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kARkOdRHaj8

​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmRKlZEXVQM

​

Some books:



The Power of Acceptance: Beyond the Law of Attraction

by Arden Rembert Brink and Doreen Banaszak

​

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

​

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself Paperback – June 23, 2015

by Dr. Kristin Neff (Author)

​

For this one, don't let the title confuse you. Focus on the compassion part.

Self-Compassion - I Don’t Have To Feel Better Than Others To Feel Good About Myself: Learn How To See Self Esteem Through The Lens Of Self-Love and Mindfulness and Cultivate The Courage To Be You

by Simeon Lindstrom | Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC

​

The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

by Schiraldi PhD, Glenn R. | Nov 1, 2016

​

The Self Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem

by Markway PhD, Barbara , Celia Ampel , et al. | Oct 23, 2018

​

How to Be Nice to Yourself: The Everyday Guide to Self Compassion: Effective Strategies to Increase Self-Love and Acceptance

by Silberstein-Tirch PsyD, Laura | Jun 25, 201

​

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life for Teens: A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life

by Joseph V. Ciarrochi, Louise L. Hayes, et al.4.3 out of 5 stars 44

​

Dr Phil: Because sometimes real life sucks, but at least he knows how to cope in realistic way.

Life Code: New Rules for the Real World

by Dr. Phil McGraw

Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out

by Phillip C. McGraw

Hi,

I'm not a parent, but I can imagine this is, in many ways, a challenging situation to work through with your child. Let me assure you that you're already doing a great job, just by reaching out and trying to educate yourself.

I have not yet started to medically transition (take testosterone, etc.) so I can't give you too much specific information on that, although it looks like u/RigilNebula has already given you some good advice. However, I have mostly transitioned socially, meaning that I have asked the people in my life to use my real name (Daniel) and to use the correct pronouns when referencing me (in my case, I'm okay with both he/him and they/them). I'm also out to my parent(s). So, I'll mostly address the emotional and social aspect of transitioning, particularly as it relates to relationships with parents. I've also included a few resources at the bottom of my post.

But first, some more general, subjective information. I can't speak for all trans people anymore than can I speak to the specifics of the relationship between you and your child (and please note, I will be referring to your daughter as "your child" herein. I hope that's not upsetting to you, but I do this because if your child is really your son, calling him your daughter could be very hurtful. I will also use the gender neutral pronoun "they" for the same reason) The following is just my perspective, but ultimately you'll need to have conversations with your child about this, and while it will definitely be difficult for both of you, keeping lines of communication open is one of the most important things you can do for your child.

Which segues pretty neatly into my main point. If I could ask anything of my parents, it would be that they listen to me and make me feel listened to and assure me that they love me for me, not because of my gender. That's really it, for me.

For some context about my personal situation: I was raised by a single father, who I now live with, in part because he needs help with chronic health issues. My mother died when I was too young to remember her. One of the most painful truths I will ever live with is that I will never know for sure whether my mother would still love me, even though I'm transgender. This is all very personal, and not completely relevant to your situation, so forgive me for over-sharing. But I mention this because I was offered a perspective on this very issue by a therapist, which I think is one every parent of a transgender child should hear.

My therapist told me that for most parents, there's a time before you know your child's sex, or when your child is still a baby and gender roles haven't quite taken hold yet, when you love them completely, and you love them outside of gender. That's a bit abstract, but think of it this way: you loved your child before you knew they were athletic, before they got good grades, before they were popular, before you knew about all the unique and lovely things that make them your child. And it sounds like you may have loved your son before you knew he was your son.

And if that's true, your child needs to know that.

There's an awful lot more that can be said on the subject, but I'll leave it here for now so I don't bore you to death. I work semi-professionally as a diversity educator, so I'm a bit of an open book on these issues, and I'm happy to discuss this further with you if you have specific questions or want more information on anything I've mentioned here.

As promised, here are a few resources that might be helpful to you. And here's a cute picture of a panda, which might also be helpful.

Oh, one last thought: I'm not sure if you're in the U.S., but if you are, I would really recommend seeing if you have a PFLAG chapter near you. I've had great experiences with them. You can check whether there's a nearby chapter here.

Resources:

• General
  
  
  • Resources on Gender-Expansive Children and Youth - this is a sort of mini-library of resources for you and your child
    
  • Transgender Children & Youth: Understanding the Basics
    *Transparenthood: Raising a Transgender Child
    
    
• Videos (includes both "professional" videos and individual experiences. I don't necessarily agree with absolutely everything in every video, but I think the perspectives might be helpful)
  
  • Unconditional Love––Journey with Our Transgender Child: Christy Hegarty at TEDxBloomington - I highly recommend this one. It's very sweet.
    
  • To Parents Who May Have A Transgender Child
    
  • With love, from a Parent of a Transgender Child
    
    
• Literature
  
  • Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family, and Themselves - I recommend this one for your child, and the other guys in this subreddit, too.
    
  • Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents
    
  • Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue

There's no such thing as too early to get a binder. If you don't have breast growth, you don't need one. If you have enough growth that you need one, you're old enough to have one. Nor are you too young to go on T, but given that your family is both unsupportive and completely clueless, you should be pushing for blockers, not T.

The books The Transgender Child and The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill are the two halves of your new bible, seriously. Read them, then give them to your parents. (Never give or recommend anything you haven't read yourself!) There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)

Check out Camp Aranu'tiq. You'd love it.

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it when they're ready. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. (If you're 18+ by the time they're ready, have them join http://groups.yahoo.com/group/transkidsfamily/ , which is for parents of Trans folks of all ages.) There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid. Frame it in terms of them getting their needs met, not a means to an end where you get your needs met. They're a lot more likely to be receptive to the idea if they don't think it's just a ploy to get them to give you what you want. It's hugely important for them to talk to other parents, just as important as it is for you to talk to other Trans guys. It's not healthy for you or for them if you're their only connection to what, to them, is a very foreign and possibly very frightening world. They need to hear other parents - NOT just you - tell them that you should be trusted to know yourself, and that you are not doomed because you're Trans. Yes, you will find love, yes, you will find a job/career, yes, you will be happy; no, you will not be outcast from society, no, you will not be looked at as a freak wherever you go, no, you will not be alone and miserable forever. Parents worry about that stuff. You can reassure them, but ultimately it's reassurance from other parents whose kids have transitioned and (miraculously!) turned out fine and live happy lives that's going to convince them.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), the Gender Odyssey conference, and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.

The nice folks at the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Center for Gender-Affirming Care at Rady Children's Hospital San Diego, the Gender Management Service clinic at Phoenix Children's Hospital, the Transgender Center at St. Louis Children's Hospital, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you aren't near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.

First off, you sound like an incredible step parent and I’m excited for you to be able to support your stepkid fully when they do decide to come out to you. Before I delve into recommendations for dealing with them, I want to suggest that you seek out your local PFLAG chapter (if there is one). They often run support groups for parents of trans kids and are great places to swap resources and advice.

As far as breaching the subject, it depends on how your stepkid is but I would advise against directly asking but it seems like you know not to do that anyway. A good subtle way to bring it up may be to find a piece of (not negative) news about trans people, or else a piece of media about trans people, and talk about it in a positive light but in a natural way. Like, if you never talk about interesting stuff you’ve seen or read then obviously it would be a weird thing to suddenly do.

You could also leave pages about supporting your trans kid open on computers/tablets if you have a shared family device, or even buy a book like this one (my mom’s favorite) and leave it somewhere conspicuous, although that may be too forward haha. I like the idea of leaving Trans Tape or KT Tape around but it’s possible that they don’t know what that is and won’t connect the dots.

Maybe you could also take them shopping for clothes and casually suggest checking out the men’s section (if they don’t already get clothes there and like to dress in masculine clothes).

Just like. Stuff like that which would make it clear that you are a safe person to come out? But also, speaking as someone who came out to my parents at 15 knowing full well that they would be accepting, it’s still really scary and hard to bring up even if you know you will get a positive reaction. It never feels like the right time, etc. If you wait for your stepkid to come to you even after you’ve done stuff to make it clear that you’re safe, you may be waiting a long time. It’s important to also give an invitation for them to come out without making it feel like you’re interrogating them, which is tricky but you seem to get that and maybe that’s why you’re here haha.

I and probably lots of other people would be happy to bounce ideas back and forth with you, and to follow up on stuff as the situation progresses.

Here's a bunch of stuff someone gave me. Enjoy!

The book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney is your new bible, seriously. Read it, then give it to your parents. There's also a new book out for Trans teens and their families, called Where's MY Book? by Linda Gromko, MD. I haven't read it yet, but it looks well worth a look.

Check out http://t-vox.org/ and http://camparanutiq.org/ . You'd love Camp Aranu'tiq.

Watch this great video too. It's about Trans kids and it's really good. (Ignore the line from one mom about how blockers are "brand new". They aren't. They've been used for decades. The books I mentioned above explain a lot more about all that.)

Your parents should run, not walk, to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tyfa_talk/ and join it. It's a wonderful parents-only group specifically for parents of Trans and gender-questioning kids who are 18 and under. There's a lot more to it than "you should support your kid". There's lots for them there, even if they think they're already supportive. On Facebook, they can join these great groups for parents of Trans and gender-expansive kids: here and here. And here on Reddit, they can check out /r/cisparenttranskid.

Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum (and their fantastic conference), and the Trans Health conference, among other resources, will help your whole family a lot.

To find a therapist who gets Trans issues (most don't, and are unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst), see http://t-vox.org/medical and http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ . For the second link, enter your location and then select Transgender from the Issues list on the left.

The nice folks at the Gender Development clinic at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, the Gender Management Services (GeMS) clinic at Boston Children's Hospital, The Center for Trans Youth Health and Development at Los Angeles Children's Hospital, the Genecis clinic at Children's Medical Center Dallas, the gender clinic at Seattle Children's Hospital, BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, and/or the Trans youth clinic at SickKids in Toronto can help your family connect with more providers and support networks in your area for Trans children and their families, even if you're not near any of those clinics. They do a lot of networking with groups and providers across North America and around the world.

Do you have access to classes at your local community college? There might be an intro-level cultural anthropology class that you could enroll in there.
The reading list that BentNotNroken linked to looks excellent, but if I was a high school student interested in learning about the field, I would find it very overwhelming! If you'd like a shorter list, here are the books I read in my first intro to anthropology class:

Core Concepts in Cultural Anthropology by Lavenda & Schultz

This is a super basic primer that will introduce you to a lot of the basic concepts and terms of cultural anthropology. It's very easy to read, and I still come back to it often if I can't think of a well worded definition/explanation of a term.

Coming of Age in Samoa by Margaret Mead

This is sort of a classic example of an ethnography. If you don't choose to read this now, you will absolutely read it at some point once you start taking anthropology classes. It's not too dry, interesting to read, and will give you a good idea of what anthropologists study and do.

White Saris and Sweet Mangoes by Sarah Lamb

This is another book that you will likely read at some point if you take cultural anthropology classes! Like the last book, it's just a basic ethnography that will help you understand the point of anthropology.

Coming of Age in Second Life by Tom Boellstorff

This ethnography is still one of my favorites! It basically takes the concept of ethnography that is used in the previous two books and applies it to an online community rather than a real-life one. I found it to be a fresh and modern example of the possible applications of anthropology. If you find the previous two books boring, you will probably enjoy this one more, because it's on a topic that you might find more interesting, since you participate in online communities yourself!

The books I listed are focused mostly on cultural anthropology, which is one of the four basic subfields of anthropology as a whole. The other three subfields are explained here if you are curious. If you are interested in one of those, perhaps someone else here can suggest some basic books to start with! If you are interested in archaeology, I can provide you with some readings, but my studies focus more on classical archaeology, which some would argue has little to do with anthropology.

Good luck with your studies - if you have any other questions feel free to ask!

uhh, well I'm not going to do amazing defining it off the top of my head, but here's the general idea:

It's a view of God popular with my millennial generation wherein we define the usefulness of scripture and of religious practices as only for making us feel good or better about ourselves. God's purpose in Scripture is our happiness (contra joy), and as long as this is achieved things are fine. Effectively God is removed from confronting anything wrong with the believer and only provides means to happiness.


It's a phrase that, as far as I know, was first coined by Christian Smith in his book Soul Searching.

I actually have yet to read the book. I have just heard the idea spoken of by so many people I listen to (Mostly by Mike Horton) that I have a general understanding of it.

Here's what Wikipedia has for the definition, presumably gleaned from Smith's book:

"The authors find that many young people believed in several moral statutes not exclusive to any of the major world religions. It is this combination of beliefs that they label Moralistic Therapeutic Deism:

• A god exists who created and ordered the world and watches over human life on earth.
  
• God wants people to be good, nice, and fair to each other, as taught in the Bible and by most world religions.
  
• The central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself.
  
• God does not need to be particularly involved in one's life except when God is needed to resolve a problem.
  
• Good people go to heaven when they die.
  These points of belief were compiled from interviews with approximately 3,000 teenagers." - Article on Moralistic Theraputic Deism

Hey you - I don't often comment here but just had to reach out and reassure you that you can absolutely beat this - just as I have. I'm still taking Sertraline (generic name for Zoloft - https://www.drugs.com/zoloft.html ) and can testify that it can definitely help with anxiety.

Big thing for me was being open with friends and family - certainly your boyfriend doesn't seem to get it.. try the links below.. also loads more out there.. you can see from r/anxiety that its an incredibly common thing.. just not something people bring up in conversation enough.. but when you do you'll be surprised how many people DO get it and can offer genuine support!

https://themighty.com/2016/05/explaining-your-anxiety-to-a-loved-one/
https://www.simplemost.com/explain-anxiety-someone-doesnt-get-2016-2/

The other big things for me were .. listening to relaxation apps when i went to bed.. systematically reading and engaging with 2 books.. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Worry-Cure-worrying-start-living/dp/0749927240 and the mindfulness workbook.. many available but maybe look at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stress-Reduction-Workbook-Teens-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B07193RJLX/ref=sr_1_20?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499911184&sr=1-20&keywords=mindfulness+workbook

And also doing the following programme - it's brilliant! http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

Know that it probably won't just get better on it's own .. but with medication (maybe) and your own determination to beat it with the materials above (certainly) .. you really can begin to enjoy life again - very soon!

Good luck and best wishes..

Ok, here's what we have done in the past, SS is nearly 16. We hold a family meeting. We lay out what the expected behaviours/household tasks are in our house and then we ask SS if there is anything he disagrees with, would like to talk about changing, or if he has any issues he'd like to bring up. And then we talk, us adults remaining calm. In the face of any harshness from the child(ren). Sometimes it results in us changing an expectation. Most times it's a simple "that's not fair" that we explore the options for (is it fair that I do all the cleaning and cooking? For example). Kids don't have the brain ability to see other perspectives, they need it spelled out and shown to them.

If memory serves dad was abusive, I don't recall how long he's been out of the kids lives, but the older may remember more of the bad than the younger and so younger us lashing out because that's all kids really can do. They have zero control in their own lives a lot of the time other than how they behave. It doesn't excuse it or make it ok, but knowing that may help keep the empathy going.

Once the boundaries are set, the adults must choose to stick to them and not engage in the argument, as I learned from a recent listen to [Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0374528535/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_7YhKAbT9XZ7AP) pre/teens are hard wired to argue and attempt to maneuver out of any and all responsibilities, including skirting doing the whole thing by something along the lines of "I didn't know you meant wash the dishes as well as load the dishwasher when you said do the dishes..." which is rediculous to any adult but makes perfect sense to the teen. Stay calm, and next time give precise and clear instructions "please empty and load the dishwasher and wash and dry and put away the hand wash dishes, also wipe up any water / all the counters." (we have a white board type list where everything is supposed to be checked off, guess how often that happens unless we say do the whole list?)

I'm now rambling....

1. Family meeting to set boundaries and expectations
   
   
2. Listen to kids griefs and do what you will with them while remaining calm
   
   
3. Stick to boundaries. Don't fight. Just restate the boundary. On repeat. Embrace the persona of broken record. Own it.
   
   
4. As your SO seems to have struggled with this in the past, give her loving praise for holding the boundary. Tell her you're proud of her. Whatever way makes her feel good, do it. Reinforce the shit out of that boundary holding awesomeness. She'll need it because it sounds like SS is going to be a hard nut to crack and get on board with how the house runs.
   
   All that said and done. It also sounds like the kid needs to have some one on one time with mom doing something fun that is his choice. My SS still turns into a grade A donkey when he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention from his dad. I know it's hard. It's hard to make time for everyone and still have time to sleep. But if it gets ramped up for a while and then tapered off to a reasonable mom/son date frequency he will regain the sense of security he appears, to this internet stranger, to be lacking.

Hello! Cei here. Thank you for your question and for your willingness to learn and grow for your community!
Question 1.a. If you are providing a space (a group, a confirmation class, a retreat, a bible study, a weekly potluck, a movie night, etc) for these young people to be themselves- to use they name they choose, to use the pronouns that fit for them, and to create norms where the other youth in the space must be respectful of these identities- then you are creating a safe space for the youth to go through the process of self-actualization in their identity. Ideally the church congregation would also be asked to affirm these youth in their identity. Depending on your comfort level, you could address the congregation and explain that you would like the church to be a sacred and safe space for all, and that in the interest of achieving this goal, you would ask them to respect names, pronouns, and gender expressions of all congregation members. b. One of the best ways to advocate for young people to their parents is to explain that the young person is happy, responding well, and thriving in environments where they are allowed to be themselves. If you have a young person who comes to your group/bible study/etc. who is using the name they choose, the pronouns that fit their identity, and is affirmed by the group around them and they are thriving, tell the young person's parents so. It may be that at home the parents see a kid who is struggling and sad and they are scared that being gender diverse will make things harder for their already unhappy child. To show that gender affirmation can radically improve a kid's quality of life is often the best motivator for parents to adopt affirming language.

2. Here are links to a few resources that we've found helpful over the years: Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, The Transgender Teen, The Genderquest Workbook, Confi's Article on Gender, Families In TRANSition.

I hope this helps, and thanks again for advocating for the gender diverse people at your church!

My FTM son came out to me at age 14.

Scene: In the car, coming back from a therapy appointment.

Him: “So... uh... mom... I’m a dude.”

Me (already suspecting he was LGBTQ+): “Oh! Ok. Thanks for telling me! Do you want to talk more about it?”

Him: The floodgates open and it all spills out. He’d been questioning forever and sure for a year, and had already told his friends and therapist.

Me: Feeling sad that he didn’t feel he could share it with me sooner, but trying to hide it. “A year? Did something change that helped you feel ready to tell me now?”

Him: “Well, I knew you’d be OK with it, but you’re very action-oriented. And I wasn’t ready for action. But I am now.”

Me: Laughing, because he nailed it. I would have rushed him. “Yeah. You weren’t wrong. So do you have a plan I can help with?”

He just wanted his correct pronouns at home and school, to talk about new names, and figure out everything else. So that’s what we did.

Now, more than a year later, he has socially and legally transitioned, and just started on T two months ago. All is well.

Good luck! ((Mom hugs))

And if you want to share this with your parents, this book was very helpful for me:

The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens https://www.amazon.com/dp/1627781749/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_e44HDbSF620E1

The reason long term dating is discouraged is because as you grow closer to someone sexual attraction and temptation typically increase. As well if someone is 30 and has dated someone seriously for a year that should give them a pretty good idea about whether or not they want to marry them. The principle is don't delay marriage if you are ready.

https://www.amazon.com/Dateable-Are-You-They-ebook/dp/B0033V4SEW/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Are+you+dateable&qid=1560307142&s=digital-text&sr=1-1 this book is a great book about teen dating.

I think setting priorities would be a good idea. If your planning to marry in 2 years then I think a 2 year plan for preparation would be a good idea. Start with conversations about healthy dating and and how to maintain sexual boundaries. The more sexual activity you engage in before marriage the higher your temptation will be. Agreeing on things like, no going in each other's bedroom, no late nights, etc, to help you remain focused in your relationship.

Second I think you need to consider what marriage will mean on a practical level. Where will you live? How much money will you make? What does a realistic budget look like? For most people their teenage years are their lowest income years so it can be very hard to do practical things.

Third, discuss getting married with your parents. Choosing to elope is something that can cause damage to family relationships. Some parents would rather pay for a simple wedding for their child in order to celebrate with them then be excluded from the entire process. Parents also need a bit of time to process their children making such a serious commitment so make sure you give them time to process your choice to marry.

Fourth, a year before you marry start reading books about marriage. Read some about preparing for marriage and others that focus on the transition to marriage. Gary Chapman has a book called "what I wish I'd known before we got married." Discuss what you liked about how your parents raised you and what you want changed. Who did which chores? Do you both know how to do your own laundry and clean a house? Who will be responsible for these things after you marry?

> I insist on getting the school side of his life right, I am not compromising there.

By the time a child is a teen, they should already know how to take responsibility for their academics. If you still need to hound him about schoolwork, that's not good. It's not your role to do that. Enlist the school, see if they have academic support classes that can teach him how to be more organized. Insist he (NOT you) talk to his guidance counselor; perhaps he's in classes that are beyond his aptitude level. If it's a lack of being challenged, his counselor can help get him into more demanding courses. Or, encourage him to look into courses of study outside of what is offered in the school. Find something that makes him excited and motivated. Learning isn't all done in a classroom.

Important here is that he takes the initiative. You can coach and nudge, but resist the urge to do it all for him. If he's only a few short years from going to college, he's going to need to know how to do this on his own, because you won't be there. I know (based on what you wrote elsewhere) you want to be there, but you shouldn't be holding his hand in college. You shouldn't be holding his hand now!!

You need to let go, let him fall down and make his mistakes and learn from them. It's not the end of the world if he gets lousy grades in high school. It's normal to think that, but it's simply not true. He's got an entire lifetime to get his act together.

I will share that two of the most successful people I know nearly flunked out of high school. Okay, one was a solid D student. The other actually did flunk out. The D student (my sister) went to community college, got her act together, graduated a solid C student... then went on to a career in sales where she makes $300K. She excels in sales - she does not excel in classroom learning. The other person flunked out, spent a few years floundering around, decided to change her life, went back for her GED, worked part-time jobs while sending herself through college over a period of years, and now is also in sales, making $300K.

Then there's story after story of computer whizzes who don't go to college but found start-up companies.....

> What's more I need to push him to go out more and meet more of his peers and I do it, because he'd turn into a hermit (computer addicted hermit) if I let him.

What you are doing here is telling him there's something "wrong" with his personality that needs to be "fixed." Your job as his mother is to accept him as he is. It's possible he's an introvert. It's possible all these "peers" are into drugs, and he wants no part of it. You just don't know.

It's also possible that home is where he recharges his batteries, and he's completely different outside of the house. My youngest (16) is like this. When she's home, you can't get her off the computer, t.v., or her nose out of a book. She withdraws completely, and acts grumpy and hermit-like. But when she's out of the house, she is ON - an extreme extrovert, chatterbug, go-go-go!! She tells me that when she comes home, she just wants to unplug and relax...

I highly recommend this book to you:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535

as well as this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Teen-Discoveries-about-Teenage/dp/0385721609

One more anecdote I'll share, about my oldest, nearly 18 now. She has her first job this summer, as a camp counselor with small children (age 5 and 6). I was very concerned about this, because at home, she is irresponsible, easily distracted, daydreams a lot, and doesn't seem to like children at all. She has a half-sister and she doesn't get down on the floor and play with her. If the house was burning down around her ears, she'd never notice... etc, etc...

Guess what? The camp is reporting that she is the BEST counselor they've ever had!! That the children all adore her. That she's attentive, responsible, etc, etc.... they even gave her extended hours! Complete surprise to us....

But, not really. This is the way it is with teens. You get the bad side at home - because it's safe for them to be bad, to regress. Meanwhile, they are completely different outside of the house. They are busy making you proud. You cannot judge how your son acts at home, as how he acts outside of the home.

> you end up with a cultural association that manliness = fucking women, which leads to not fucking women = unmanly, which leads to homophobia.

I think that's a remarkably simplistic and rather shallow way of thinking about sexuality and homophobia.

Culture has to have a foundation somewhere. To suggest that basing it from biology [is a bad thing] is to suggest that it have no foundation at all. The problem is when cultures become averse to augmentation and evolution. Cultural stagnation is what leads to homophobia, not the reality of biology.

There is no one single cause behind homophobia, and anyone telling you that is just plain wrong. There are, however, a few bigger causes of it. Now, my focus in research for the last few years has been in homophobia in a high school setting - so what follows is mostly associated with that (specifically, US high schools).

One of the larger causes of homophobia goes way back to our more primal roots: pack behavior. We are codified to align with a larger pack, because throughout history those outside of the pack aren't treated well, and (going way back) end up dying of starvation or exposure.

So, skipping a whole lot of time, let's turn the page to the high school setting - which is probably more like the old pack behavior than any other time in one's life. Many / Most kids haven't an inkling of what they'd like to be - and not just in career trade, but in what sort of person they'd like to be. So, packs form around social custom. Much of this - and this is the point you were trying to make - comes from how they observe others behaving. And, naturally, much of this comes from the media. (Sidepoint: HS is also where the gender divide begins but that's a whole different paper).

The harsh reality is, fucking women does equate to a higher social standing. It is codified into our systems, through centuries of natural selection. There were points in our evolution that said, "If you don't spread your seed, you'll be pointless." That's a pretty important thing to have in the genes when you're trying to establish a species.

We're no longer at the point where we need that in our mentality, but it is still codified in there, like it or not. Social customs and social obligations are two different things. Two hundred, even a hundred years ago, you were socially obligated to pump out a few kids to help in the fields. A few decades ago you were obligated to pump out some kids to complete the Nuclear Family (two children, minimum, generally).

As much as the Conservative Right here in the US wants [you to believe], you're no longer held to these obligations. Thankfully.

But all of this time with these obligations which have now become customs has left us with a bit of generational lag. My mother, for instance, has a seven brothers and sisters. I've got one younger sister - that's a good indicator of how much generational obligations/customs have changed.

Part of that generational lag occupies a large part of the media, for several reasons. 1) Sex is codified, and because of that, sex sells. As the media is discovering, all kinds of sex sells - so this little media lag will be going away in a generation or two. 2) It becomes part of the cycle (we're still seeing what's socially acceptable to the previous generation on TV - we're just now seeing that change, just like it'll change again at the end of our generation / set of generations).

Let's get back to our high school kids, who've been organizing themselves into their little wolf packs (thankfully, the French gave us a better word: clique). They see these social customs in the media, and naturally use them as a boilerplate for their own behavior.

Now, here's the important part: evolution.

Turns out, a lot of people get sick of these social customs in the previous generation, and they end up passing those protests on to their kids. That's why you have a generation of women who, when told to stay in the kitchen, respond with, "Go fuck yourself." Over a few generations, this leads to some pretty profound social change. That's how you go from women's suffrage being proposed in 1878, to proposed as an amendment in 1919, to ratified in 1920, and to having the first woman <insert_pretty_much_anything> about a generation (give or take) later. 96 years between "Women? Voting? Sure, I guess." and "Hillary 2016!" seems likt a lot, but think about it. That's the rough lifespan of one person.

And each time a huge social change sweeps through, it makes the ones that follow even easier. Just look at LGBT rights. It didn't take 100 years for a massive amount of change. It seems slow to those of us who get to see the worst of it - but it's remarkably fast.

The other, and in my opinion slightly more important factor in social change, comes from the "Defense of the Different."

It's easy to lose yourself in the articles about cruelty - and that needs to be dealt with. But what we very rarely take note of, is how often it happens that things go well.

Another natural, codified, part of our humanity, comes from saving face, both of ourselves and for our friends. When we form bonds of any sort with another person, we expect those bonds to stay intact [and will take lengths to defend them]. The act of "coming out" is a pretty big change in those bonds, and the reason the process is so painful is that you know you're changing the relationship, because - in a way - you're changing your character. Most of the time, these things go just fine. Horror stories scare us so much because, well, they're horror stories.

Anyway, without going on that particular tangent for another six paragraphs, I'll get back to the simpler point: people like their friends. So, say you've got our little pack of high school kids. Say one of them comes out. The natural reaction of the group may be to cast out the injured individual and keep moving. This is where our evolution comes into play, and when we're supposed to say, "So what?"

Friends have the ability to grab back onto that person and pull them back into the group. The group changes. The group evolves. And as that group grows up and gets out into the world, that little interaction shapes the way they deal with people in their lives.

All of this is very complex, and I'm leaving a whole lot out for the sake of brevity.

The West Wing addresses this group behavior with a nice little DADT discussion that I'm quite fond of.

My points are:

1. There are things codified into our system. One of those things is "fuck women procreate, be powerful."
   
   
2. Codified behavior is the basis of our social structure.
   
   
3. The evolution and adaptation of our base social structure is what leads to social change.
   
   
4. Social Change comes in many shapes and sizes.
   
   
5. Homophobia doesn't come from "fuck women, be powerful." It comes from, "This is something I've never encountered before, and I'm scared of it."
   
   
6. We, as a species, get over it^1 by saying, "Oh, this is what that is. That's not so bad." ^1 - "it" can be replaced with anything: women voting, blacks in the military, gays being a thing, gays in the military, etc.
   
   
7. Having social obligations and social customs doesn't lead to a problem. The species neglecting to evolve those social customs is a problem. (We're doing a damn good job of evolving).
   
   ---
   
   Some further reading:
   
   
8. "Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School", an ethnographic study conducted and authored by C.J. Pascoe. (Read this even if you're not interested, it's good.)
   
   
9. "On Facework" - Goffman. One of the best papers on social identity and obligations we hold to each other.
   
   
10. "Victory" - Linda Hirshman. Documents the LGBT community's rise from minority outcast, to one of the strongest and fiercest social movements in the world.
    
    
11. "Queer Bullying" - Tracey Peter & Catherine Taylor. "How Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia Hurts Students".
    
    
12. "The Ideology of "Fag": The School Experience of Gay Students" - George Smith.
    
    
13. Hallway Fears & High School Friendships: The complications of young men (re)negotiating heterosexualized identities" - Michael D. Kehler.
    
    These are only a few of the papers you could read, there's an absolute mass of research out there on homophobia and heteronormality. All it takes is some patience, some reading time, and the ability to coherently form a message from combining and understanding a mass of other content (which is what I do!).
    
    --
    
    Some edits, noted in strikethrough or [additions].

Convey has that book for teens - you might read it first and see what you think, but it is better than alot of the other stuff out there. Anything you can do to help them think (at all) about the long term and the long term consequences is a help.

http://www.education.com/magazine/article/Ed_7_Habits_Successful/

There is also that recent article by a woman who found success with "positive only" teen parenting - similar to the positive reinforcement behavioral training methods - let me see if I can find it.

Not it but looks good - http://www.triplep.net/files/pdf/Parenting_Research_and_Practice_Monograph_No.1.pdf
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29493189/ns/today-money/t/positive-parenting-get-past-teen-stereotypes/#.UA8kpilAMYk
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Teens-Renshaw-Joslin/dp/0449909964
http://www.amazon.com/dp/076152181X?tag=yourparesolu-20&camp=213381&creative=390973
I think this is her but the book is not out yet - http://www.ahaparenting.com/

> Do you have any evidence that it was feminists who are responsible for the greater knowledge of female sexuality, instead of say, pornographers, or people like Alfred Kinsey?

I think feminism paved the way for our current understanding of female sexuality in a way that pornographers or Alfred Kinsey could not because it brought real female perspectives into the mix for the first time. It's impossible to understand your own sexual organs and desires as a woman when everything you're exposed to is filtered through a heterosexual male lens. Watching porn doesn't teach you shit about sex, and it gives you a skewed perspective of your own sexuality. Over the last 25 or so years, with the onslaught of sex positive feminism, women and girls can talk about their sexuality for the first time without the risk of becoming pariahs. Having a female perspective for the first time in history has drastically changed the sexual landscape.

I should note that there can be a big difference between feminist literature that discusses female sexuality and literature for women that discusses female sexuality. I would not recommend Cosmopolitan Magazine as a resource for young girls. My (sex positive feminist) mother subscribed me to New Moon instead of Cosmo when I was growing up and that gave me perspective that often differed from my female friends who were subscribed to Cosmo. I also grew up with the feminist gURL.com websites for girls. I was a little too old for their sex ed book for girls when it came out, but I definitely think it shaped girls' understanding of their bodies. Jessica Valenti is definitely relevant to this conversation as well—I read The Purity Myth when I was in college, but I think it's an invaluable resource for young girls who are dealing with slut shaming and confusion about their virginity (which is definitely a feminist issue). The website Scarleteen is a sex positive feminist sex ed resource for teenagers that also comes to mind.

These examples don't prove my conjecture that sex positive feminist resources for girls have shaped our current understanding of female sexuality, but I will say this: if you barred a girl's access to these resources and only allowed her knowledge of sexuality to be shaped by porn, popular media, and science, she wouldn't have any close to a decent understanding of her body and sexuality. An alternative lens with which to view these things is necessary and increased access to that lens in recent years has contributed to a completely different understanding of sex.

I don't really think I "dealt" with it any different than usual; I wore pads instead of tampons til I was 16 or so and kept a spare pair of underwear on me after one embarrassing incident where it surprised me and I had to tell my male 5th grade teacher I needed to go to the office to call home for a new pair of underwear.


My mom bought me a YM magazine in the spirit of "huzzah, you're a woman now", and also got me this book, which I HIGHLY recommend: http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576. It's pretty old now, but the information is all still great. I still have my copy and am saving it for my future daughter/nieces/etc. It answered every question I could have had that I didn't want to ask my mom. Just a heads up: it's very thorough and contains a page with some pen drawings of penises and also some masturbation info. If that bothers you maybe you could tear those pages out though or something, the book as a whole was immensely helpful to me, and I passed it among all my girlfriends in HS when they had questions. I wouldn't give it to your daughter now, at 7, but whenever she gets her period is probably a good time. It definitely didn't mess me up to read it 10; all it did was make me the most knowledgable kid in my freshman year health class a few years later.


I didn't go to the doctor or anything, and I turned out fine. The only problems that came from it were my decreased height (but whatever, I'm adorable lol) and the fact that my period was never on a schedule. I kept meticulous track of it and it would still show up whenever the hell it felt like, so at 18 I went on birth control to regulate my cycle.


My best friend knows someone whose younger sister got the puberty-delaying meds and grew to be taller than her older sister, but that's about the only noticeable effect. I didn't even know that was a thing until just now, but it seems weird to me. My parents just let my body do its thing and gave me literature so that I'd know what was going on without them having to awkwardly tell me, and I turned out fine.

I found this book to be really helpful When Young People with Intellectual Disabilities and Autism Hit Puberty: A Parents’ Q&A Guide to Health, Sexuality and Relationships for parents and teachers.

If your son has good use of language, the book Things Tom Likes is about precisely this issue. It's fairly graphic in showing exactly what it is that Tom likes to do, but it's not tittilating or eroticized. It's meant for a target audience that needs very concrete information.

And this site has a lot of resources.

Sometimes the solution is to get a shoebox full of "tools" (Tissues, lubricant, pictures that he finds sexy - not necessarily porn at this age, maybe just models) + some step-by-step instructions reminding him to clean up and wash his hands afterward and keep that in his room. This shows him that you're not shaming him, you're supporting him if he wants to do this, but you're putting some boundaries on it (at home, door shut, etc.). Then if he does it in public, he can be reminded to go to his room and, if necessary, given a very mild punishment, but when he's in his room, it's obviously being allowed and supported.

Lastly, while you're sorting this issue out, you might want to consider what he's wearing. Some clothes rub against the skin in an arousing way. Some clothes allow easy access to the genitals. There's nothing wrong with having him wear clothes that make masturbation less likely when he's at school (as long as he can still toilet, etc.) and having him change back into comfy sweatpants at home.

There was a really good book called "Freaks, Geeks and Cool Kids"

http://www.amazon.com/Freaks-Geeks-Cool-Murray-Milner/dp/041595391X

It examined the social dynamics of popularity and 'cliches' in high schools. It essentially viewed high schools as a 'caste society' as students are less concerned with 'real world' economic pressures of work but rather encased in a closed system lacking the freedom to choice who they go to school with, their teachers, classes, etc. Money is still influential though in area of fashion, tech gadgets, cars, . . . being able to participate in expensive sports like lacrosse or afford marching band instruments, uniforms, etc.

What I really liked is how it looked at social rituals as reinforcing social bonds while excluding others. I think it touched on Pierre Bourdieu's 'cultural capital' but not as much as I would have liked.

I'm not a teacher, but I left highschool just as cell phones and ipods where very popular (2006) Don't think the ipad was out yet. EVERYONE had an mp3 player and usually had it in during class. if they didn't, they certainly had a cell phone that they thought they were slyly using to text or play games. Some kids even had those special ring tones that only kids can hear (which annoyed the kids actually trying to learn rather than the teacher)

Otherwise i was pretty happy with the technology and education in my school. i went to Pennsbury in PA, someone even wrote a book about it, but it was a few years before my time i believe.

http://www.amazon.com/Wonderland-Year-Life-American-School/dp/0871139170

As i got into 9th, they were doing renovations on the two highschools, one was 9&10 and the other was 11&12. There was an access road connecting the two for busses and the occasional walker. In 11th they started an addition to the 9&10 building and started giving students classes on both "campuses" so we had to either walk all the way over to the other building or catch a bus (with still only 5 minutes between classes. But I digress. The point was, they weren't hurting too much for money and had decent technology classes.

We got to pick electives, and i took all the computer courses they offered. By 12th I'd taken Microsoft Office classes, Visual Basic, basic website design, computer repair, etc etc. i even got to take a robotics class where we could make things with legos and kinex and could write programs for robotic arms to do certain tasks. I liked my basic computer class, they took the old computers and let students take them apart to see how they worked, and you had to disassemble them and put them back together, you were graded on how quickly you could do it, and if it posts (most of them couldn't do much else than post) By then my brother had already taught me how to take apart a PC so i did it in 5 mins and got to screw around on the computer for the rest of the class. i also had a teacher i'd had for two classes prior and she knew how i worked. Just leave me alone to do my work, when i'm finished let me read or whatever and i won't interfere with your class. So we had classes with desktops and some with laptops, and all assignments were to be typed etc etc.

Sorry for the rant, I took pain medication and it makes you talkitive, even if your talking to yourself since a grand total of maybe one person will read this entire thing.

TL;DR: My school handled technology pretty well, in both providing it, and prohibiting it when it disturbed learning. Ranted about my High School a bit because i took some pain meds which make me chatty. Have a wonderful day, Reddit!

As far as the parents things goes; are they willing to listen? If so, then there are a couple of books about being the parent of a trans kid that they might find helpful. This book in particular I’ve read and enjoyed, my mum eventually read it too and I think it helped It’s this book .
They could also reach out to any local PFLAG groups as many have parents of trans kids, and even some have specific groups just for parents. Often being able to talk to other parents can really help.
I would also start looking into a gender therapist. They would be able to help you, they would be able to help your parents, and in the future if you do want to start HRT, having a gender therapist will be very beneficial, especially if you’re going to start underaged.
Good luck!

Hi! I'm a cis-gendered (meaning I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth), NT Mom of an autistic daughter (13) and trans son (14).

For you: the transgender teen was such a great resource for me. I bought copies for my autistic daughter's therapists as well, as they started asking me lots of questions about how to talk to my daughter about her brother's transition.

As far as talking to your child about it-- does he know that there are gender options? Does he know about transgender, nonbinary, and genderfluid people? He may not have the vocabulary to go with his feelings. I don't know what his ability level is as far as reading, but there are books/videos to explain these things at many levels of age/understanding.

You sound like an awesome parent. I'll suggest that you check out /r/asktransgender as a semi-safe place to get advice, as well as /r/cisparenttranskid, which is a tiny but supportive group here as well.

(hugs)

Hi Sam,

I think I agree with you on most points. Moralism is a big problem in the church, for both kids and adults. I'm also reminded of this interview with Phil Vischer when he reflected on his work on VeggieTales

>I looked back at the previous 10 years and realized I had spent 10 years trying to convince kids to behave Christianly without actually teaching them Christianity. And that was a pretty serious conviction. You can say, "Hey kids, be more forgiving because the Bible says so," or "Hey kids, be more kind because the Bible says so!" But that isn't Christianity, it's morality.

The end result is not Christians but followers of what Christian Smith has called Moralistic therapeutic deism (I highly recommend his book Soul Searching if you've not read it). The church can do better - and many are. As an example, I think very highly of Vischer's new project What's In the Bible which does an incredible job of teaching scripture not as moral stories, but as the story of redemption.

One more thing: it looks like almost all of your activity on reddit is promoting your book. Reddit generally frowns on people self-promoting without contributing in other ways to the community. A general rule of thumb is that no more than 10% of your content should be self-promotion. Here is the reddiquette page on self-promotion. Don't see this a discouragement from posting about your book - rather see it as encouragement to stick around and contribute in other ways as well.

Being a teenager is very difficult. Teenagers' brains are undergoing their most rapid development since early childhood, most importantly in the prefrontal cortex, the section of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions. On top of that, they're exposed to a lot of pressure in school and in the media. So ... you have to be prepared for your teen to say and do some crazy and impulsive things that even she can't begin to explain. The fact that she willingly complies with your attempts to up her calories isn't typical of a teen with an ED, so she's probably not dealing with that.

Your plan to take her to a general adolescent therapist is a good one. My daughter sees one regularly. You might also want to do some reading up on teen behavior and take advantage of other resources available to parents of teens. Our job is not easy. When my kids were really young I remember reading all those "What to Expect..." books on the first year, the toddler years, etc, but like most parents I stopped doing that as my kids got older. After all, I remember being a teen, so it should be a snap to parent one, right? I began to pick up the parenting reading habit when my daughter began treatment for her ED. I'm currently reading the very good Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind now, and I read Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens not too long ago. I of course also read up on EDs and the other issues she's been dealing with. You might like to look over this last one before your next difficult talk with your daughter. It offers a nice framework for keeping your cool. I found it helped me with my son, who can be rude, lazy, and non-communicative ... except when he's being fun, hardworking, and kindhearted.

Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning Son or Daughter - Kevin Jennings

The GENDER Book - Mel Reiff Hill

The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes - Diane Ehrensaft

Gender Diversity and Non-Binary Inclusion in the Workplace: The Essential Guide for Employers - Sarah Gibson, J. Fernandez

Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents - Irwin Krieger

The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens - Stephanie Brill

Transitions of the Heart: Stories of Love, Struggle and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children - Rachel Pepper

I had my hymen cut at 13. It was septate and getting in the way of trying to use tampons. I started masturbating before I had it cut, but was ashamed of it for a long time because I was told that it was sinful. However, my mom encouraged it, but I didn't want to hear that from my mom.


I learned from books better than having to listen to my parents or peers about sexuality stuff in general. I first had the American Girl book "The Care and Keeping of You", then I moved up to this book and then I moved to "The Guide to Getting it On" which is huge and incredibly informative. I read a couple chapters in borders before buying it.

Oh, and focus on the clit, most women can't orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, however the feeling of "fullness" can help. Use your fingers, water faucets, or try grinding against something. I only have a mini vibe, so I don't know what it can do as far as penetration. Also, it is helpful to have foreplay with yourself to relax and get in the mood. I'm also not sure what the laws are, but they now sell vibrators in discreet boxes by the condoms. However, you might want to get more comfortable with yourself before delving into sex toys.

A really good book (it might have some more "graphic" information) is "Deal With It! A Whole New Approach to You Body, Brain and Life".

I would read it before you give it to her, it has great info that you will need too. It does discuss things in a very "no holding back" way.

It goes into body image, a great chapter called "What's in my panties?!?" about signs of infections etc., mental health, masturbation, and a whole gamut of things.

But read it for yourself before you give any book like this to your kids. To see if it's there intellectual level and goes with your beliefs.

Get out of my Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall is a good one for dealing with teenagers, though it's not specifically intended for steps. Although it definitely focuses on the child in the sense that it aims to help you understand why they act the way they do, it is all in the context of understanding that the adults in the household have needs and feelings too. It really helped me understand my SD better.