(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best personal transformation books

I wrote a pair of blog posts addressing a post like this one not too long ago. I'm copying and pasting them here.

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PART ONE: WRITING IS AN ART

A few days ago, I read this thread on /r/selfpublish about how the stigma against self-publishers sucks. Members of the subreddit chimed in with their experiences: how booksellers refused to carry a few books on the sole basis that they were self-published, how other writers rebuffed them, and how a reader accused a member at a book fair of being self-published. How is self-publishing a crime?

Reading this thread, reading a book called, Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Robert Poole and Anders Ericsson, my experience submitting to literary magazines and contests, reading about other people’s experiences submitting, and finally, watching the movie Ratatouille has moved me to piece together this two-part article about writing and publishing.

One of these things is not like the other. What does Ratatouille have to do with writing?

If you are unfamiliar with Ratatouille, the story is about a rat, Remy, who has a talented nose and refined palate. Remy ventures into kitchens full of poison, mouse traps, and other dangers for the sake of good food, and he becomes inspired to cook by the famous chef, Auguste Gusteau, whose motto spurs him on: “Anyone can cook!” After coincidences land him in Paris under the toque of an aspiring chef, Linguini, together they cook their way to stardom. But standing in their way is Anton Ego, a food critic whose sharp tongue cut away one of Auguste Gusteau’s five stars.

The first words Ego speaks will contain a familiar sentiment from writers of a certain attitude: “Amusing title, “Anyone Can Cook!”. What’s even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I, on the other hand, take cooking seriously. And, no, I don’t think anyone can do it.”     

This is my fight against the Egos of writing.

I have two lines of thinking to spool out here. The first concerns great writing, what it is, how to make it, and how to become a great writer, and the second concerns what publishing, both self and traditional, has to do with it.

Long story short, writing is an art, but publishing is a business.

Deliberate Practice and Feedback

My goal first and foremost is to become a great writer. So, I practice. I read constantly and interrogate myself on what I liked about what I read, what I hated, and what did the author do specifically to be so effective. Then, I write down my analysis and publish it on my blog. One blog post centered on Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise. Peak asks the question, “Why are some people so amazingly good at what they do?” To answer, the book’s authors spent thirty years studying experts and novices across fields and concluded that experts deliberately practiced and received expert feedback and direction. For now, let’s focus on the deliberate practice and the expert feedback part as it relates to becoming a great writer.

Deliberate practice is focused, informed effort to push past personal boundaries and develop relevant skills. The authors said, “Learning to engage [in purposeful practice]— consciously developing and refining your skills— is one of the most powerful ways to improve the effectiveness of your practice.” Peak’s authors note that when you practice by yourself, you have to be able to identify when you are doing something wrong and correct it.

“This is not impossible, but it is much more difficult and less efficient than having an experienced teacher watching you and providing feedback. [sic] Even the most motivated and intelligent student will advance more quickly under the tutelage of someone who knows the best order in which to learn things, who understands and can demonstrate the proper way to learn various skills, who can provide useful feedback, and who can devise practice activities designed to overcome particular weaknesses. Thus, one of the most important things you can do for your success is to find a good teacher and work with him or her.”

Sounds simple: deliberate practice plus feedback equals improvement. However, there’s more to improvement than that. Peak acknowledges that this advice depends on the field of expertise. Fields like sports, chess, ballet, and classical music have rich history of teaching methods, institutional support, objective standards for quality performance, and a clear hierarchy of quality (for example, the best golfer wins the most tournaments). Fields like creative writing don’t. Writers generally have an idea of great writing. Great writing involves an alchemical formula: language, clarity, characters, ideas, structure, and plot that hang together to become an engaging story that’s more than the sum of its words. At least, that’s my definition. Other people’s definitions have conjured writing courses, university programs, magazines, coaches, and other professional services that proclaim that they know what great writing is and they can help you become a great writer too.

But how do we know what’s great writing? For that matter, what does it mean to be great? How does great differ from being bad or good?

"...squash the gender stereotypes that my 1st graders had absorbed in their short lives."

FACEPALM

I accept my downvote into oblivion fate, no problem. I just want an answer on this: Why is it that kids are apparently so stupid that they can't formulate their OWN ideas of gender norms?

It's a pet peeve of mine that kids are complete imbeciles who can ONLY get ideas transferred to them. When I was growing up in the 70's, it was very en vogue to assume that kids' brains were empty and anything they knew was something they'd gotten from somewhere else. A child thinks peanut butter and jelly is delicious? They must have been told that, there is no possible way they could come up with that on their own.

It saddens me that I'm reading this.

Kids make observations about the world and make attempts to learn. If kids think dolls are for girls, well, IT'S BECAUSE 99% OF THEIR OBSERVATIONS OF CHILDREN PLAYING WITH DOLLS HAVE BEEN THAT THE CHILDREN THAT CHOOSE TO PLAY WITH DOLLS WERE GIRLS.

Fine, if you want to teach the lesson this woman did -- that objects from toys to motorcycles don't HAVE to be attached to a specific gender, but don't f-ing blame me as a parent for preaching sexism at home just because my son seems to have figured out that his female peers carry dolls more often than his male peers. (Oh, and it's not because "that's how we socialized him." It's because of Mullerian Inhibiting Substance.

He may not know about statistical distribution curves but when you see VERY few males selecting dolls to play with, a child will make note of that mentally. Dad's not at home slurping Bud and yelling that "dolls are for girls."

Sighs loudly

edit 1, clarification. There seems to be some argument that the chicken MUST have come before the egg here in the replies. It is apparently in no way possible for my little girl to like dolls -- she MUST have been given one, or seen another girl at the toy store gravitate to one (and what about that little girl? anyway) or or or or, etc etc.

That is the crux of my argument. There ARE biological differences, but no one buys well established science example, example. INFANT GIRLS have been shown to have more interest in human faces than infant boys, who seem to prefer black and white and moving objects. Is it not logical that they might prefer toys based on these differences? As I point out below, this is actually mundane from a scientific standpoint, but there seems to be a vested interest in claiming that these infant girls were somehow socialized to stare longer at human faces.

Sorry... I buy the science. I buy the facts. Like I cannot argue with young Earthers, I get to a point where I realize discussing theory seems more interesting than taking certain facts as a given and going from there.

This blogger made a statement that "1st graders had absorbed... gender stereotypes." I say kids make observations and make mental note of what they see -- they aren't stupid. You can give my son dolls all day long, he's just not interested. (There is back story. My family has been instructed to give gender neutral toys, UNLESS one of the kids asks otherwise.) My son was, in fact, given a doll because he was getting a sibling and we wanted him to train (he was 1 and a half). He carried the doll around, because we wanted him to learn to be gentle, but in no time he simply lost interest and went to other toys. Mullerian Inhibiting Substance is really real, it really does have a neurological effect, it really is documented. The books I listed above are very layperson friendly and explain the science (they were written by a neurologist who explains her subject matter very well.)

Boys can watch what people give kids. Yes. Backpacks, yes. But there really are toy selections that CAN arise from basic biological differences between XX and XY. Kids make note of what they see other kids playing with. Legos? Clearly both sexes are interested. Dora, Blues Clues, etc etc. But again, kids observe their world and rapidly detect patterns in what they see.

Do little girls find tea consumption innately fascinating? No, but there's a reason they might gravitate to something where they sit in a circle and socialize with one another...

Wait, was that a hand in the back? Yes? Oh, you know that's bull because you and your sister played with trucks? Did you skip the part above about statistical distributions and standard deviations above the mean? Yes, there are exceptions. But we're talking about the tail end of our bell curve.

It turns out that Estrogen plays a role in the verbal and communications centers of the brain. Testosterone literally shrinks those areas. Oh, and the myth that humans do not get hormones until age 14? Yeah, that's, well, a myth. An infant... INFANT... has the same hormone levels as an adolescent in utero and shortly after birth. Those levels plummet quickly, and stay in low concentrations, but MIS and Test play active roles in boys and Estrogen plays an active role in girls. Again, this is well established fact. Oh, and a bonus, guess what? Girls can actually have high Testosterone levels as infants too. Guess how we know this, and guess what toys they tend to play with? Anyway, it's normal, default behavior for a child to socialize in an orderly setting, but male child brains are wired differently... it's really no great mystery why the boys are trying to beat each other up in the corner while the girls are talking in full sentences.

Anyway, I sense a need for a separate thread on this stuff, but I honestly think that there isn't enough openness to science in this area in this community, but I hope I am wrong. There are books to read to get people up to speed, but I believe people are too in love with ideas from the 70's (hormones = no effect on people, gender is meaningless) and unwilling to accept information we are learning all the time. And it's unfortunate -- there is so much to learn and be amazed by. Just one example: high levels of androgens while mom is carrying can cause a baby to be left handed. Testosterone in that case suppresses the development of the left brain hemisphere temporarily in early gestation, just long enough for the right hemisphere to outpace in development, creating a left-handed boy or girl. (Conventional wisdom, of course, tells us that children pick one or the other as toddlers. We know better now.)

edit 2: FWIW, I like what the teacher did and agree with it and have asked relatives to only buy my kids gender neutral toys. For really reals. But the problem I am having is her assumption that it's sexism and not giving credit to kids for learning about the world based on what they observe. If they observe people handing Toy X to Gender Whatever, yes, that will obviously play a factor, but if Toy X Recipient isn't interested, no amount of repeated giving is going to MAKE them interested. If a kid sees other kids loving Scooby Doo, they know "other kids love Scooby Doo." If a kid sees 9 out of 10 kids go for a doll, and those 9... Hmmm... were girls... In other words, KIDS AREN'T STUPID!

I've experimented with this, but I've found it always leads me to a dark place unless I use the isolation for some other, beneficial purpose. I'm not going to tell you not to enter "hermit mode," because it might work for you, but you should do it with the intent to fix the problems you very clearly defined. Lucky for you, they are common problems and are very easy to work on.

1. Your mind has been super cluttered

Some degree of isolation may help this, but I think what you're really after is simplification. How many types of social media do you use regularly? How big is your social network? How many apps do you feel you have to check-in on every time you pick up your phone? How much time do you spend gaming?

A couple times in the past, I've done social media "purges," which I feel helped me a lot. I unfriended probably 4/5 of my Facebook friends, keeping only the people that I still see or speak to in real life, or the people I genuinely want to hear from on a regular basis. After that, my news feed slowed down quite a bit and it wasn't so cluttered with the life events of people I didn't really know or care about anymore. With that came less mental clutter as well.

Another thing you can do is take an inventory of all the things you spend time on. Write them all down, including how much of your time you think you spend doing them, then simply go through the list and put a check next to the ones that make you feel a sense of happiness, fulfillment, or self-improvement. You'll probably find that most of the stuff on the list doesn't actually make you feel good, but it's not enough to just stop doing those things. You need to replace them with things that do make you feel good. Hopefully you already have an idea of some things you can do to that effect. If not, I'd suggest exercising and reading.

TL;DR: Set some personal goals for yourself, then try to replace some unproductive activities with activities that will help you achieve your goals. In my experience, there are few things in life that can bring a more immediate sense of confidence and fulfillment.

2. You've been unhappy.

I think if you follow the advice above, you'll make some headway here. You also need to decide (or find out with help) if you're unhappy because you're clinically depressed. If not, then you're a lucky guy and your situation is really easy to fix. For those of us without clinical depression, happiness is a choice. Like anything else worth having in life, it's something you have to work at and practice. It takes discipline and mindfulness, and you will never be happy 100% of the time, but it's really easy to start being happy most of the time.

A ton of books have been written on this subject, and I don't want to pretend to be a happiness guru, but I will share something that helped me out a lot over the past 4-5 years. I stumbled on Stoic philosophy and read the book A Guide to the Good Life. I'd say a solid 30% of the book didn't really connect with me, but the parts that did changed my perspective pretty significantly, especially the idea of the Locus of Control. It's one of those things that you always knew your whole life, but didn't realize you knew it until someone else explained it to you.

The gist is this: Most things in life are outside of our ability to influence or control. Given that knowledge, there is zero reason to fret about those things. Instead, we should focus on the things we can control, and that's a very short but significant list of things. Mainly: We have complete control over the way we react to the things we can't control. Nothing in the world makes you unhappy or makes you feel like your mind is super cluttered. Feeling that way is up to you. If you can practice and master that kind of self-control over your emotional/mental state, your sense of happiness will improve by leaps and bounds.

Good luck OP!

That loving a tree thing gave me a really weird visual... but here is some of the best advice I can give you, I hope it helps.

~Get your body healthy. Start eating right, cut out as much sugar and soda as you can and bring in to you diet as many vegetables and fruits as you can. Start exercising 3-5 days a week, maybe jogging or going to a gym. But if that seems like something you wouldn't be able to make a habit, maybe just try taking a walk everyday or something, just getting outside and moving my legs really helped me through some of my hardest times. Also maybe consider quitting smoking if you feel that is the right move for you, it totally changed my life for the best when I quit cigs and tree.

~Start journaling or somehow writing your thought and feelings down. This sounds like it wouldn't be that helpful if you have never tried it, but trust me, it can do wonders for clarifying what exactly needs changing in your life. I think journaling can be 100x more effective than any form of therapy.

~Hang out with your friends and don't talk about how you feel depressed, talk about stuff that feels nice and get your mind off of what is making you not feel so nice.

~Check out stuff by Anthony Robbins, he is incredible. I recommend Lessons in Mastery. It really gave me a huge boost and changed my life for the better permanently at a time when I felt like how you have described you feel now.

~Get some hobbies, get outside, get your mind off your troubles and into books, sports, action, anything that makes you feel better. But make sure your not pushing your emotions under the rug, make sure to figure out (maybe with the help of journaling) what exactly the message your emotions are trying to send you is. Once you know what their message is, then it is fine to move on and take action based on those messages.

~I also recommend a book called One Small Step Could Change Your Life and also Switch.

Here are amazon links to my recommendations below (each one changed my life for the better permanently)...

If you want to talk about anything or ask me questions about how I got through some very hard times just PM anytime. I sincerely wish you good luck with everything :-)

http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Mastery-Anthony-Robbins/dp/0743525159

http://www.amazon.com/Small-Step-Change-Your-Life/dp/0761129235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318486356&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318486377&sr=1-1

As a Zen roshi said in a teisho to his students recently, "Nobody here cares if you believe in anything!" That's not making light of the teachings of Buddhism, it just means that you're absolutely free to practice Zen no matter what you believe, what you think, what you think you believe, what you want to believe or disbelief. We have conversations about whether the hungry ghosts prefer we offer them bread or sunflower seeds, but we throw all the offerings to the birds, and they don't seem too picky. Take all the wisdom of Zen and use it to wipe your ass! ;) But yeah, zazen (sitting meditation) is the foundation. A famous verse says "upholding the precepts, showing remorse, giving gifts, countless good deeds, and right living -- it all has its source in zazen."

I practice Zen with a sangha. In my daily life, Zen mostly means that I do daily zazen, try to live harmoniously and wisely (don't ask), and try to be one with whatever I'm doing, not getting tangled up in unnecessary thoughts. Zazen is the basic ingredient, it's like tasting zazen makes it possible to see what else needs to be done.

Edit: Two books I think are really good: You Have to Say Something by Dainin Katagiri roshi, and The Three Pillars of Zen by Philip Kapleau roshi. The former is by a Soto teacher, very warm and beautiful, and full of good stuff. The latter is from a tradition that's influenced by both Soto and Rinzai, and is a bit more rough and practical, and has some really inspiring first-hand accounts of initial awakening by modern lay Westerners.

And another little practice that works anywhere is to watch your mind state and care for it. Try to bring a kind of gentleness, clarity, and purposefulness to your actions, speech, and even your thoughts. This means literally everything you do is a profound Zen practice. Ritually I think bowing is a good example: externally it looks like a tiny little gesture of respect, but internally, it's a focused and intense practice. Try bowing to something you appreciate, like a cup of coffee, and see what happens in your mind. Can you find some concentration, love, silence, or gracefulness? That's Zen practice!

Hi there /u/kungpowchick_9! Super happy that your husband is in remission! You're awesome for supporting him and continuing to do so!! Seeing a therapist helps, especially one that's had experience with cancer patients. I had a great therapist, but she retired.
Post chemo, for a good year or so, I was taking (daily) 2Mg of Xanax, 20 Mg of Lexapro and for insomnia 20Mg of Ambien. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma and the 12 cycles of ABVD chemotherapy that cured me also did a number on my body.

Although these meds made my anxiety go away, I was numb to the world. I was going through the motions of life but I wasn't ever really there. My memories of the year or so post chemo, in my minds eye, is very hazy... it's a lot like looking through a window smeared with vaseline.
At a very low point in my life I decided to wean off the meds and get some control over myself. I can't say that I wasn't terrified of that feeling of dread that would take over my body without warning.
In addition to the stabbing pain I'd feel in my chest, my body always felt "noise". Picture a television set on channel three... that's the closest I can get to describing it.
I had issues getting back into the swing of things at work, and life in general... the routine of chemo, office visits, scans, were comforting to me. After I was done I found it difficult to acclimate, the new normal wasn't what I was expecting it to be.
My job at that time consisted of going to people's homes and repairing computers. As I was waiting on a program to install, on a particularly rough day, I saw a book on my client's desk called, ["Mindfulness" An Eight-Week Plan for finding peace in a Frantic World."] (https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1523081157&sr=8-3&keywords=mindfulness)
I asked my client about it when he came in to check on the progress of his machine and we had an hour long conversation on how the book helped him, what mindfulness was. He pointed me to some videos on YouTube that described the science behind it and I was intrigued. I completed the service call and went on my way. When I looked in my bag at the end of the day, he had placed the book in there without my knowledge, along with a note saying that he knew it would help me and that he hoped that I found the peace that I was looking for. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I find it easy to discuss what I went through. So, I felt obligated to try it and I'm glad I did, as cliche as it sounds, it changed my life. I currently meditate twice a day, 10 minutes in the morning, 10 at night before bed. The book has instructions on how to download some audio tracks that you can use to follow along with the exercises in the book. If they aren't available please PM me and I can get it them to you. I have the ebook as well. I don't listen to the tracks anymore, well, from time to time I may... meditating is second nature now. Like /u/unicorn-81 I listen to Pema Chodron guided meditations every once in a while. Mindfulness taught me live in the moment. It feels as if life has slowed down for me and not a lot of things bother me like they used to. Most importantly I don't feel that heavy burden anymore. When I do get overwhelmed, taking a walk helps, before I was diagnosed we adopted a Labrador named Charlie and he was with me (and continues to be) for the entire experience.
I also came across a breathing technique (which is ultimately what meditation is fundamentally about) called the [4 - 7 - 8] (https://youtu.be/_-C_VNM1Vd0) it helps reset your nervous system, [here's] (https://blog.spire.io/2017/08/09/use-4-7-8-breathing-technique-reduce-stress/) a great blog post that describes it. The more you do it, the more it helps. I do it from time to time to get a grip on things if I'm feeling wonky.
The false positive happened to me as well. I can't say anything really helped me climb back up. Time did that. After going through what we did those scans are very stressful, you run the gamut of joy and despair as you wait on those results. Having to go through all of the treatment again isn't something any of us want.
Although, I did save a ton of money on shampoo... =)
I really hope these suggestions help you guys!!
Something I haven't seen mentioned is to have him to come and take a look at this sub, /u/unicorn-81 created something very special here. I've been visiting for quite some time, lurking here and there, just recently decided to contribute to the conversation. The community here has reminded me that although I may feel alone sometimes, I'm really not. Good luck!!

Props to you for taking the leap and I wish you the best of luck.

I completely agree that motivation is overrated, but I have one minor nitpick. In my mind, discipline is almost synonymous with willpower. I know they have their differences, but there is significant overlap. Having discipline is still kind of a white-knuckled approach.

What I suggest is developing a routine. Routines are not subject to motivation and they result in a cumulative daily effect that adds up and compounds over time. In the words of W. H. Auden: "Routine in an intelligent man, is a sign of ambition."

 

If you're interested in developing a routine, you have to consume information about strategies from the experts. Here are some of my favorite sources:

• One of my personal favorites is James Clear. His articles on habits and performance are excellent.
  
• The book Peak by Anders Ericsson. The author is world class expert on how people become experts.
  
• Deep Work by Cal Newport. Great book on creating better work habits
  
• The Art of Charm podcast by Jordan Harbinger. Great informational podcast. Check out his recent episode with Leo Babauta, who is incredibly knowledgeable about the field of habit formation and turned his life around with his own tips.
  
• Tim Ferriss occasionally has good information about routine formation on his podcast.
  
  There are many others but these are some great places to start.
  
   
  
  Social accountability is also important as another user mentioned. I recommend telling friends about your site or doing a case study. There are also great tools like stickk that donate your money to a charity or cause you hate if you don't meet your goal.

I would suggest going to "The Witches Voice". This is where I went when I first started learning about the Craft about 9 years ago. On the main page, there are new articles published every Sunday, with a lot of wonderful resources all over the site. Their facebook page is also fun and informative to follow!

Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is a wonderful and inexpensive resource to consider! Scott Cunningham is so experienced and informative, and he has authored a whole library of great books. I am also quite fond of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft, though I do not fully agree with everything it teaches. And that's okay! Remember that a resource is just another tool. Read all that you can, but don't follow things just because you are told that you have to. Wicca is a very personal faith, though some may claim that there is more dogma. Maybe dogma is right for them, but it could be different for you. Or maybe it isn't. Either is just fine. And like the others have been supporting, tools are just there to focus your energies and to encourage ritual consciousness. You are the most magickal tool of all. And I understand not having the funds. The library and google are both the best suggestions anyone could give! I can't tell you how many hours I spent hiding in a corner of the library, reading anything I could get my hands on regarding the subject!

Anyway, I hope this helps! If you have any other questions, just post here and I'm sure that one of us will be right there to try and help you out as soon as we can! I've never posted on here before, but I've been following the subreddit for a while! I would love to welcome you fully, but I feel that as this is my first post, it may sound oddly pretentious to do such. Let's just feel welcomed together! Blessed be, Merry Beltane, and happy seeking!

You sound like me. Here are some helpful resources I've found on reddit and elsewhere. Obviously, this is just my personal list so please ignore anything you don't think will help you.

Self-improvement subs: like most subs, there is a lot of junk but sorting by best all time/year/month leads to some good articles and posts.

• /r/DecidingToBeBetter
  
• /r/selfimprovement
  
  Self improvement books
  
  
• The Power of Habit - it explains the science behind how we form habits (both good and bad) and how to change them.
  
• Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World - introduces the basics of mindfulness and meditation while providing a good beginner's course if you want to start meditating.
  
  Fitness Subs
  
  
• /r/Fitness - a mixed bag if you're not focused on body building but there are good posts that are applicable to a variety of fitness goals in there.
  
• /r/loseit - good sub for motivation. Average redditors making amazing progress.
  
• /r/bodyweightfitness - a good resource if you want to spend time working out at home but don't have a bunch of equipment.
  
• /r/crossfit - this one is more controversial but it is something I personally enjoy. I believe in the idea that the best workout is the one you will actually do.
  
  Fitness App (free)
  
  
• Myfitnesspal - an excellent tool for tracking calories and macros (carbs, fat, protein).
  
• Jefit - A resource for logging and tracking workouts. I just started this one but a lot of people use it.
  
• Chains - this is a great app for any habit you are trying to create/break including fitness habits. Simple Example - if you are trying to drink more water, add a chain each day you drink 8 glasses. It allows you to visualize a habit being formed or broken.
  
  Sites You Might Find Helpful
  
  
• skillsyouneed - includes life and personal skills.
  
• Artofmanliness - apologies if you are not male but this is also an excellent resource for personal skills.
  
  
  
  

Elaine Pagels is a great contemporary scholar of Christian religion, and particularly textual and historical explication. Her The Origin of Satan is fascinating, and The Gnostic Gospels is a solid survey of some of the lost branches of early Christian tradition.

Gershom Scholem is one of the last century's great explicators of Judaism and mysticism, particularly the Kabbalah. I doubt there's a book he's written that isn't worth reading, but the best place to start may be his book On the Kabbalah and Its Symbolism, particularly the chapter on the relation of mystical experience to community norms.

Speaking of Kabbalah, it's recent popularity speaks poorly of what is an otherwise venerable and serious tradition of symbolism and ethical concern. If you're interested in spiritual literature, it's probably not a bad idea to take a stab at the Zohar. There's an abridged translation by Scholem out in paperback, but you're probably better off with this edition.

That comes, incidentally, from a series of books issued by a Catholic publisher, Paulist Press, under the name Classics of Western Spirituality, which is generally excellent. So far as I know, it's the only press currently printing some truly classic historical texts, so their catalog is worth browsing. They're particularly good, as you might suspect, on early Christian texts -- I don't know where else you'd go for something like Carthusian Spirituality -- but they also have Sufist, Judaic and non-mainline texts. In particular, I'd say pick up the Pseudo Dionysus.

While we're on the subject of early Christian writers, there's The Desert Fathers, The Cloud of Unknowing, Revelations of Divine Love -- the last of which is a notable early example of feminine Christian spirituality.

On the more modern end, there's Simone Weil, the tragic Marxist-cum-Catholic. I'd recommend either Waiting for God or Letters to a Priest]. While we're talking about modern Christian theology, we should note three of the most important names of the 20th century: Paul Tillich, Rudolf Otto, and Tielhard de Chardin. The books to start with, respectively, are Dynamics of Faith, The Idea of the Holy, and The Divine Milieu.

Shifting away from Christianity, another major name in 20th century theology is Martin Buber, the Jewish German mystic. His I and Thou is the most generally applicable and was widely influential in existential circles, but he also wrote widely on issues of Jewish identity.

More in the mainstream of Jewish tradition, there's the Talmud, although the sheer size of the writings that full under that name are the sort of thing that scholars give their lives over to. For our purposes, something like Abraham Cohen's Everyman's Talmud will generally suffice.

And finally, I just recently bought The Three Pillars of Zen, which is widely held to be the best practical introduction to the topic available in English. There are a bewildering amount of books on the subject, but without some sort of framework for understanding their relation to the historical traditions, it can be nearly impossible to sort out which are worth while.

EDIT: Forgot linking by reference isn't working; fixed with inline links.

I know this doesn't directly address your questions, but I think that this information might be more useful, since you're thinking about your "parenting" skill.

First of all, I don't think you should be on a subreddit where people share stories about parents for actual parenting advice. Parenting styles, and their effects, is an active field of research and there are some evidence-based resources. In particular, I would recommend the Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self Control. If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip to the last chapter for steps to implement these practices. A great counterpoint to Amy Chua is Angela Duckworth, who is also Chinese-American, raised by strict immigrant parents. In particular, Duckworth is a psychologist who has studied resilience in children, so she is actually qualified to comment on parenting from the perspective of a researcher, as well as a parent (in contrast, Chua is a lawyer). Some of Duckworth's early research is in the Marshmallow Test, but she also wrote Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverence. If you're just interested in a very simplified description of parenting styles, here's a nice webpage from Vanderbilt University, but there are multiple sources online. I would recommend sticking to websites affiliated with universities and medical organizations for advice.

In particular, the American Psychological Association has written about "tiger" parenting:

> Tiger parenting is a little different than authoritarian parenting in that tiger parenting includes high levels of negative parenting (e.g., strict rules) and high levels of positive parenting (e.g., warmth and support)...

> Using samples of Hmong, Chinese, and Korean American parents all aimed at testing the new theory of “tiger parenting.” ... Overall, these studies showed that parenting in each of these cultures is a mix of power-assertive type parenting and supportive parenting. The purely power-assertive type of parenting described in Chua's book was not common.

In other words, Chua's self-described definition of "tiger" parenting is considered "purely power-assertive" and actually quite rare among Chinese Americans and Asian-Americans in general.

> Although there is a popular perception that the secret behind the academic success of Asian American children is the prevalence of “tiger moms” like Amy Chua, we found that children with tiger parents actually had a lower GPA than children with supportive parents. In fact, children with supportive parents show the highest GPA, the best socio-emotional adjustment, the least amount of alienation from parents, and the strongest sense of family obligation among the four parenting profiles. Thus, our findings debunk the myths about the merits of tiger parenting.

If I am not getting your point, I am sorry. Your description of your concerns is a bit vague to me, and I am trying to answer.

>This means cutting down on the travel, random hobbies, sleeping in and other things that have characterized my twenties.

I think that this is a wise observation. To me, spending a large amount of resource to figure out who you are is one of characteristic of twenties, a part of a phase, not your life is all about. This phase could be much more fun compared to the following phase of actually making efforts to become who you are. And, some people treat the transition from twenties to thirties like the end of their lives, but I do not think that way.

>reassurance

Nobody can assure you about your future and you indeed do not need to be assured. Most likely, your problem is not the future but your anxiety about it. And, having anxiety is very common and there are treatments! Dare could be a good book for you. Although the book may not appealing to you until you obtain internal locus of control, I mention anyway. It took me a very long time to work on my external locus of control.

>I won't be super successful in my twenties

Why? Stop thinking about the past and the future and setting your expectations. That is a step to depression. Your life is a problem nobody faced. It is impossible to calculate expected values when you do not have a defined problem and complete table of outcomes.

> Robert Greene's Mastery

I have not read this book, but if you like the subjects of expertise and deliberate trainings, I recommend these books (Copied from my another thread):

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

The book is about the subject of deliberate training and explains how spending a long time on specific kinds of training develops your skills. Not a research paper, and the tone of book is casual. Many pages are about the author and people around her, and those explained the motivation of studies about the subject and added real life examples to apply those studies, for example, to parenting. In general, the book is hopeful to motivate you to start training towards your goal.

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise

Another book is about the subject of deliberate training. I recommend you to read this book after Grit. This book is more like a research paper. The tone of this book is drier than Grit but the book contains the details of the studies and advises you how, when and how much you should practice.


>having a five year plan for the future seems like an impossibly long timeline

Probably impossible if you mean that you make a plan to follow for 5 years. Planning is like calculus. You need to know what to do right now, assuming as if you are going to do it forever, then you immediately update your plan once you have feedback from what you did right now, and you will be in a different place from where you thought to be yesterday. Having routines and a day plan for today helps me a lot.

At last, this is a common advice about jobs/ career I like.

"Do not pick a job to help people. Pick a job that you can do well and help the most."

Learning to be patient is a great start! Wish you the best :)

Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:

I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.

I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.

As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.

In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.

This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).

With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.

In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:

• Performance anxiety/perfectionism
  
• Extreme procrastination
  
• Difficulty focusing
  
• Problems with timings and organisation
  
  There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.
  
  Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):
  
  Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.
  
  As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.
  
  Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.
  
  My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.
  
  I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.
  
  What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.
  
  As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.
  
  With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.
  
  When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.
  
  The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').
  
  Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.
  
  I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.
  
  But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.
  
  It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.
  
  If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).
  
  As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:
  
  If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.
  
  Here's a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOSFxKaqOm4
  
  Then here: https://blog.zenkit.com/a-beginners-guide-to-getting-things-done-3cc1a5123b98
  
  Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):
  
  Mindset by Carol Dweck
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
  
  Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752
  
  Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
  
  Principles: Life and Work
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Life-Work-Ray-Dalio/dp/1501124021

They seem a like reasonable starting point I think. Repetition is the mother of mastery, the more books the better (in addition to applying what is learned).

Since Mosh is calling out learning fundamentals as important to becoming a good C# developers, I would personally also recommend some general (non C# specific books) too for who are starting out in software development:

1. Design Patterns (Amazon) - also known as the "Gang of Four" Design Patterns, it was originally published in 1994 and is still relevant today. When people talk about design patterns, they're referring to the book more often then not.
   
   
2. Soft Skills (Amazon) - Not a book on programming actually... it's a software developers life manual. The reason I like this book is it covers the other parts of the life of a developer that I haven't seen covered anywhere else. Everything from learning strategies, time management, career advice, and even some health and fitness. It was an enjoyable read and I think other developers would enjoy it too.
   
   
3. The Passionate Programmer (Amazon) It's been a while since I've read this one, but I remember it giving decent advice for building a career in software development. Not to be confused with The Pragmatic Programmer (Amazon) which should be read at some point too.
   
   There's a ton more, but those are a few that stood out to me. Essentially the more the merrier in my opinion - books, courses, videos, tutorials, and so on. The books I'm recommending here focus on adopting the developer mindset and being successful at it. That's part of the puzzle.
   
   The other part is understanding the technical details including the programming language and frameworks you intend to use.
   
   And finally, for learning about C#, I do highly recommend Mosh's videos/courses (some are free on YouTube, others available on Udemy). He's got a unique ability to explain things clearly and simply in a way that beginners can pick up quickly.
   
   What I'd do is check out his free content first, and if you agree his style is ideal for learning, an investment in one of his courses is well worth it since he'll cover a lot more breadth and depth on each of the topics and they're organized into a super consumable package rather than scouring the internet for various topics.
   

This may sound a bit pretentious, but it may help someone, so here we go.

A couple of key things you mentioned; the slow adaptation to a higher-than-normal standard of living is sometimes referred to as "lifestyle creep" and is really easy to fall into.

A related topic is that buying things sure does feel good...for a moment. Unfortunately, this "hedonic treadmill" doesn't endure, and is just as you say: a momentary happiness or sadness doesn't last.

There's a lot of people talking about stoicism, or Stoic philosophy, and it's an interesting mindset to follow. Parts of it boil down to "be comfortable being uncomfortable". One of the major writers was Seneca, and a favorite passage is in this letter:: " Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: "Is this the condition that I feared?" "

This is supposed to remind you that you don't need luxury to survive; lentils and hamburger helper is fine, not buying new clothes is fine, staying home and reading a book is fine, etc. A reset, an antidote, to being aggressively marketed and pressured to consume ever more.

That philosophy kind of intertwines with Buddhist non-attachment, Krishnamurti's sense of self, and a Spartan ideal of hardiness that many people find useful. A lot of Seneca's work is available for free from a podcast guy you may have heard of if you're interested. Irvine also had a book you should be able to find at most libraries.

Side note, everyone should have a spreadsheet tracking finances; use Google Sheets if you have to, or Mint or YNAB, but you have to be honest with incoming and outgoing streams. Treat debt like an emergency..

Thanks for your post, I hope it helps people realize that most of us were never taught good habits about money, and we're constantly told to spend our money; for instance, everything can be financed into monthly payments to satisfy our short-term wants but we pay so much interest it's usually a bad idea...

I think it's mutual mate although ikuto's more reserved personality i.e. he puts chiyuki on a pedestal and chiyuki being the more mature (mindset) will end up as the first to realize her feelings and give it a proper name

> Ikuto once again being the beacon of hope shining through the endless fog in Chiyuki's future.

I am delighted people are giving ikuto credit for helping chiyuki pick herself up when she'd feeling down but it goes both way a lot of ikuto's current success/growth is as a result of chiyuki in a direct/indirect manner and he gives her due credit

I made me feeling on her clear in the reply to your comment on the thread of previous chapter, I will quote parts of it me self to save people's time

> just as ikuto saved chiyuki, he was saved indirectly (this time) by chiyuki (and directly in the past. The problem is because the manga is focusing more on ikuto people seem to forget his original opportunity came as a result of chiyuki's inquisitiveness and drive. She created the situation that led ikuto to her father, who led him to yanagida, followed by kokoro, ayano and other. She opened up an entire world for him that he didn't have a shot at from outside on his own

> coincidence...luck is opportunity + preparation, ikuto was talented, had spent a lifetime making clothes so much so he plans it all out in his head but his talent would have gone unnoticed if chiyuki hadn't come into his life like a hurricane

ikuto's right about her being like the wind (of change/reassurance), chiyuki's best attributes is her personality...she is an inspiration to regular people (like that editor for the magazine) which is often overlooked by people who are too set in their with how the fashion industry works and reject her because her height. She'd be successful in any other field that doesn't require her to be tall because she's got all the qualities people value in the professional world - looks, extroversion, grit, confidence (and a healthy amount of narcissm) for ex. she'd kill it as presenter or a youtuber who earn a lot in the era of social media, fuck she'd kill it in a lot of fields

sure ikuto will get more screen time/page space (?), because he has more growth potential because chiyuki is an insider and more or less realized as a model (skills) with only her height holding her back

>I learned that was I was, was too much, for anyone, but especially her. I learned that my emotions were too messy and no one wanted, or needed, to hear about them.

I love the way you put that. I too, had emotions that too messy.

> I learned to say sorry compulsively.

Yes. I still do this ALL the time (to anyone). And then I beat myself up in my head for apologizing for something that clearly wasn't my fault. Sometimes I say sorry for things that don't even have fault or blame associated with them. My earliest memory of this was in the 6th grade. An older girl told me the tag on my shirt was sticking out. I apologized. She started giggling with her friend. Why did she apologize? My heart breaks for little me in that moment. So confused. Decades away from getting any sort of clarity. I really just want to give little me a hug and tell her it's gonna be okay.

>I learned I was crazy, manipulative, not good enough.

Yes ☑️☑️☑️ It seems like a lot of us we're told similar messages. I wonder if there's something more to that.

>I've overcome some of this stuff quite well, others I'm still fighting. I know there's more stuff, this is just that came to my mind easily without thinking too hard, I don't wanna dive too deep at the moment.

Thanks for sharing everything you did with us ♥️

>This is a very thought provoking post, thank you for making it and giving us space to hash all of this stuff out. Really, it means a lot. Thank you. <3

You're welcome. I'm so glad you got something out of it. The post was inspired by an exercise from the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.

I've been having problems with depression for the past few months as well. Leaving the bed for the first time in 4-5 days today! Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It pisses me off so much to have this bullshit steal more than half of my life away. I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck in depression as well.

​

throughout the years of being a psychiatric patient and a patient of a psychologist, I've realized that at least in myself, medication isn't usually a cure-all and can only serve for me as a really useful crutch. If I compare myself to a broken vehicle, medication is a critical replacement part added to the dysfunctional engine, but I am still the pilot of the vehicle. It wont drive unless I sit in the pilot seat and try to do something, which has become easier thanks to an engine replacement.

​

I'm not trying to say that medication is unreliable, thats not true. Or that you can cure this illness with non-medical practices. That's not true at all. But something that helps improve my daily mood aside from medication is by self-influencing my brain and mood through experience dependent neuroplasticity. It's a true science that shows that things like exercise and meditation can train your brain to more easily be more happy on average. Force yourself to smile for 30 seconds and see how it affects you. Things like at the end of your day, think of all the bad things that didnt happen that could have happened. Remember to smile at the birds and the good weather and the clouds, remember to be happy with the little things in life!

​

This isn't discrediting your struggle, im not trying to imply that. Nor am i implying that the things that I am recommending cure any symptoms or replace any medication, they dont influence symptoms of bipolar disorder, they only slightly improve your mood. I'm just saying that if you can muster the strength to try and meditate, or go for a walk, these physical things can influence your mood which over time can make your psychiatric dysfunctions more easy to deal with from time to time.

​

I'd be dead by now if it were not for exercise. I need to get back into meditation. When i exercise I get those feel good chemicals or whatever and It burns off energy which allows me to sleep at night.

​

Here's some books about mindfulness that have helped me (an example of experience dependent neuroplasticity):

https://www.amazon.com/Hardwiring-Happiness-Science-Contentment-Confidence/dp/0385347332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538822946&sr=8-1&keywords=hardwiring+happiness%2C+rick+hanson

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1538822965&sr=8-3&keywords=mindfulness

https://www.amazon.com/Introducing-Mindfulness-Practical-Tessa-Watt/dp/1848312555/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538823015&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+a+practical+guide+tessa+watt

​

hope this helped man. good luck

Acne - Visit a dermatologist and ask to be put on Accutane. It may take 4-8 months of treatment, but you will probably be acne-free for the rest of your life. If the acne is gone, your social confidence will be greatly improved. I know, because I once had horrible acne on my face, shoulders, and back that crippled my sociability. Accutane changed that.

Working out - Yes, it can be hard creating a workout program and sticking with it. But if you can find a way to motivate yourself into working out every day or every other day, your quality of life will improve. You'll have more energy, you'll have a more positive attitude during the day, and watching your gut diminish is incredibly rewarding. I'd start jogging on the treadmill or an elliptical every day for two miles or so. A few years ago I weighed about 230 pounds. During the summer months, I went about two miles a day on the treadmill and reduced my food consumption. I lost 25 pounds. I had more energy and more drive in life. It may not solve all your apathy problems, but it will certainly target them and make all your other tasks in life more doable. And listen to your favorite music that gets you pumped up while exercising. Seriously, it helps a lot. And consider changing your diet. I have cut out soda and avoid eating fatty, greasy, fried food whenever I can. Substituting those foods for things like fruits and lettuce may not sound very appealing at first, but once you become consistent in a healthier diet the shitty food you once loved will look and taste repulsive. This will help you lose weight and you'll feel better overall as you satisfy your body's need for proper nutrition.

Meditation - Doing this for a few minutes a day has probably been the single greatest thing I've done for myself my entire life. Here's a book I want you to read:

http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397

It's called "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk who currently lives in France. This book is short and you could probably read it in a day or two. If you follow the recommendations on how to practice the breathing and mindfulness meditations, you will see benefits that I cannot truly describe with words. Here's a dharma talk Nhat Hanh gave a few years ago (skip to about 30 minutes in when he starts to talk). Practice the breathing meditation while listening to this - it's a great way to start.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4018343704501897813

I know it might sound hard to believe, but the reason these traditions have lasted for thousands of years is because there is something real and beneficial to them, a truly tangible benefit in your day-to-day life. If you have any questions about technique, please message me. I'd be happy to help.

Suicide - Do not do this. The amount of pain and suffering you will unleash upon others is too severe for anyone to imagine who has not lost a loved on this way. My older brother killed himself about three years ago when I was 16. My mother still cries every day and has to take anti-depression pills to get by. Killing yourself produces far more pain in the world than trying to live and struggle against your own apathy and depression. I know that these things torture you on the inside, but you have to realize that the internalized state of depression is just that; internal. You have the capacity to change yourself and overcome this. Friendship and love can be had by anyone who is willing to put the work in to transform their self into one ready to both give and receive this love.

Social life - I do not think that this can be achieved simply by trying to "be more social." Becoming more social is not something that one can set out to do; rather, it is a consequence of internal transformation. The things I have listed above have helped me learn to love life, even though I found myself in a similar situation like yours in the past. I cannot guarantee they will work for you, but there's nothing to lose by trying to follow through with them.

I have great faith that you can get yourself out of this rut. Everyone can. It's a matter of knowing what to do and realizing that your life is precious and beautiful and that it's worth fighting for.

>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.


I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.


Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.


>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.


Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.


If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.


>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.


Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.


>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.


Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.


Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:

The Selfish Gene

The Moral Landscape

The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined

Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?


Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

The Female Brain

The Male Brain

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

What Do Women Want

Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)

Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed


Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:

How Pleasure Works

Freakonomics

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

Thinking Fast And Slow

We Are All Weird


Developmental Psychology:

Nurture Shock

Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives


Empathy Building:


Half The Sky

The House On Mango Street

Me Before You

The Fault In Our Stars

Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.



Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.



All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.

Waking up by Sam Harris is a very interesting read on this subject. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451636016/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1451636016&linkCode=as2&tag=wireli08-20&linkId=CSLQO2UCBZ5KBF6U

For meditation, I recommend starting by reading this book and to take it from there. Meditation in essence is a technique to help you break through conditioning so don't expect miracles from the start. Master the technique and see from there. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0861719069/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0861719069&linkCode=as2&tag=wireli08-20&linkId=PCE4EPUARK5PAQPB

Other than the two resources mentioned above, I would recommend to practice love and compassion towards yourself whenever you're in need of guidance by thinking of the person you love the most. Use visualization to picture that person in your very situation and from there, think of how you would advise that person to act in their best interest. The next step would be to visualize yourself in their position and ask how you would advise yourself (being the person you love the most) to act in your own best interest.

The exercise might seem a bit awkward at first, but it's a way of channeling your deepest sensation of love and using it for your own benefit. Often it makes the right decisions because it keeps your strengths, weaknesses and preferences in mind like no other.

By using meditation to break through conditioning, and combining that with the practice of self love, you're well on your way to reach your true self without actually giving up on real life and join a monastry.

I'm definitely not there yet myself, but at the very least I can say I'm heading in the general direction, which on itself already feels deeply fulfilling. Never hesitate to look deeper!

Congratulations! That's a big step. Be proud that you were able to make the switch. Not many people manage to transform ideas into results.

I think there are four areas on which you need to focus, in order to go from mediocre to great. Those areas are:

1. Theoretical foundation.
   
2. Working knowledge.
   
3. Software engineering practices.
   
4. Soft skills.
   
   Now, these areas don't include things like marketing yourself or building valuable relationships with coworkers or your local programming community. I see those as being separate from being great at what you do. However, they're at least as influential in creating a successful and long-lasting career.
   
   Let's take a look at what you can do to improve yourself in those four areas. I'll also suggest some resources.
   
   ​
   
   1. Theoretical foundation
   
   Foundational computer science. Most developers without a formal degree have some knowledge gaps here. I suggest taking a MOOC to remediate this. After that, you could potentially take a look at improving your data structures and algorithms knowledge.
   
   

• CS50: Introduction to Computer Science
  
• Grokking Algorithms
  
• Algorithms by Sedgewick
  
  ​
  
  2. Working knowledge.
  
  I'd suggest doing a JavaScript deep-dive before focusing on your stack. I prefer screencasts and video courses for this, but there are also plenty of books available. After that, focus on the specific frameworks that you're using. While you're doing front-end work, I also suggest you to explore the back-end.
  
  ​
  
  
• FunFunFunction on Youtube
  
• You Don't Know JS
  
• JavaScript Allonge
  
• JavaScript Design Patterns ​
  
  3. Software engineering practices.
  
  Design patterns and development methodologies. Read up about testing, agile, XP, and other things about how good software is developed. You could do this by reading the 'Big Books' in software, like Code Complete 2 or the Pragmatic Programmer, in your downtime. Or, if you can't be bothered, just read different blog posts/Wikipedia articles.
  
  ​
  
  4. Soft skills.
  
  

1. Actively seek to mentor and teach others (perhaps an intern at work, or someone at a local tech community, or create blog posts or videos online).
   
2. Get mentorship and learn from others. Could be at work, or open source.
   
3. Go to programming meetups.
   
4. Try public speaking, go to a Toast Masters meetup.
   
5. Learn more about and practice effective communication.
   
6. Learn more about business and the domain that you're working in at your company.
   
7. Read Soft Skills or Passionate Programmer for more tips.
   
   ​
   
   Some closing notes:
   
   - For your 'how to get started with open source' question, see FirstTimersOnly.
   
   - If you can't be bothered to read or do large online courses, or just want a structured path to follow, subscribe to FrontendMasters and go through their 'Learning Paths'.
   
   - 4, combined with building relationships and marketing yourself, is what will truly differentiate you from a lot of other programmers.
   
   ​
   
   Sorry for the long post, and good luck! :)

This is some of the best advice. I know you miss your wife, but for her to up and leave, she is truly gone. Don't beg, plead, or otherwise try to win her back at this point. I would try to talk with her about her intentions moving forward with regards to the marrige.

Take this as a learning experience (although a tough one) and use it moving forward. I would not focus so much on sex but more on how to build a good relationship. Learn about how women think and speak, it is not the same as men. I found the book "The Female Brain" an excellent read to get you started. Once you kind of understand what drives the thinking, read more on relationships on how you can contribute to a healthy one. This will help you moving forward.

Realistically, you first need to focus on the future of you and your kids right now. Your marriage is most likely over and you need to prepare yourself. It is a big deal and you need to be ready emotionally as well as physically. You kids will have a tough time as well as you. Get them counseling to help them through, as well as your self. Try to eat right, get some exercise, and try to keep everything together. You can get through this, but it will take time. Heal from this relationship, learn about your contribution to the ending of your marriage, and fix those items you can to potentially have a better relationship down the road.

You also need to prepare for a divorce. Use the internet and learn your state statutes. Develop a plan for custody and division of assets. Speak to a couple attorneys (most have a free or low cost consulation) and get an idea of what you can expect. Then execute your plan. Also use the r/divorce subreddit for some advice.

This is a process, be prepared for the long haul. As they say, time will heal all wounds. It will get betetr.

I came from a similar background like you did. I had the whole falling out thing happen to me. And like you I existed, just living life. And then I found Wicca, and it really called to me. I feel more connected then ever before. I never felt anything when I went o church (Roman Catholic and later Methodist Church).


To put it simply, religion (no matter what kind) will always be viewed differently by everyone. Just like free thought people have their own opinions. And you're right when you said that there seems to be no set rule book. And that's true, there are basic guidelines but you are free to follow what works for you and change things to better suit your needs.


I do ritual work by myself to help cleanse myself and my surroundings. I use it to help ground me to the earth and nature to make me feel whole again. We tend to lose sight of what Mother Earth provides for us and not thank her enough. Now this is strictly my belief. Others do things for different reasons and use different methods.


I am curious what books you have picked up on the matter. And from what I understand you are doing just some R&D on Wicca. I would highly recommend Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, he did an amazing job with that book. In my opinion it is a great book to start with!


If you have any questions please feel free to PM me and I will get back to you accordingly.


Blessed Be )0(

Hi, not Wiccan, but eclectic druid, which is also a subset of Paganism. There are loads of online communities to check out! Firstly, I'd say browse the r/wicca, r/pagan, and r/druidism (shameless plug lol) subreddits, as they're filled with loads of info and opinions. Be warned on r/pagan, since there are LOADS of different types of pagans, you'll get some wildly different opinions. There's plenty of other subreddits (r/witchcraft, for example), but those were the ones I started with.

I also love the Pagan channel on Patheos, which if you haven't browsed before, is a really interesting conglomeration of religious blogs. While I don't use it very often, WitchVox is also referenced as a really good online hub for finding local groups.

For books, this one is a fucking fantastic introduction to Paganism as a whole. It was my first real read on the topic. For Wicca in particular, Scott Cunningham is typically the one people point to for learning how to practice solitary. I also found Wicca for Beginners to be a super quick but useful intro. If you want a more general history of witchy goddess nature-worshipy religions, I am currently reading Drawing Down the Moon and love it.

Finally, if you have any Unitarian churches in your area, reach out-- they frequently have pagan or earth-centered study groups you can always visit!

Like I said before, I'm way more druidy, so if you want suggestions for learning about that (or just want to talk pagan-y things to admittedly a baby pagan), lemme know! :)

I commend you for exploring different paths. Examining other religions is a very valuable process for self-exploration.

My favorite "Wicca 101" book is Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. A lot of people here will recommend that one as well, but that's certainly not the only good one out there.

Two things that I want to emphasize: You do NOT need to arbitrarily choose dieties and paths, and you really shouldn't. Do your research. Wiccans and pagans are frequently self-proclaimed life-learners and meditating on what you truly believe will help you filter out some of the paths that don't work for you at all.

Give yourself some alone time, go on a walk, meditate. Your dieties will come. Just make sure you're not randomly picking out of impatience. It may take you a while to really get it right, and there's nothing wrong with not getting it right the first time. Don't feel "locked in" to your gods if you decide they are not correct for you. (Important: don't perform ANY kind of dedication ceremonies until you're absolutely sure. Then you might actually kind of be locked in :P)

Second, and I mention this only because it's a big part of your post, absolutely no one is going to take you seriously if you're just in it for the "witchcraft." Believe me: every person on this subreddit has seen people who pretty much just want to pretend they're on Charmed. I very rarely perform any sort of magic myself. It's not just for funsies. It's serious stuff. Everyone has to learn and if you're interested in more than just "witchcraft," magic definitely has its uses. As far as learning goes, there are plenty of books that will help you with basic rituals but most of it is grounding, raising energy, and focusing those energies on a specific outcome. But please educate yourself first.

As a caveat to that, I just want to say that I was absolutely one of those dabblers who was attracted to the religion by "magic" nine years ago. However, I discovered a spiritual path that really called to me and magic factors into my spiritual pracatices very infrequently at this point. If this is sort of the case with you, it does not mean you can't grow from this learning experience and it definitely doesn't mean that the pagan/Wiccan community won't want you. We'll just be glad you learned!

This has been my biggest focus for the last few months.

1st realization was "Networking events" weren't a place where you join the hive-mind, exchange emails and share secrets on openings in the job market. You're basically are making friends. Get them to think: "This would be a good person to work with. I better answer his message so they'll answer mine"

John Sonmez (Author of Soft Skills: The software developer's life manual): https://simpleprogrammer.com/

Toastmasters: https://www.toastmasters.org/ This is like a public speaking club for anyone to join. My place is filled with 8 nice sweet, old people who want to speak better at church. I feel pretty comfortable speaking there.

This has been my 3 step plan:

1. Practice your speaking out loud. Practice speed, flow and volume first. Then add emotion as you read. I read to my girlfriend David Foster Wallace's Essay: Shipping Out
   
2. Learn how to tell stories. John Truby’s 22 Steps notes
   
3. Give speeches and powerpoints.
   
   
   My youtube story telling playlist
   
   Books/Audiobooks:
   
   
4. "Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It" by Peggy Klaus audible link The audible book is abridged because chapters 4 through 8 have little value.
   
5. The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller by John Truby
   
6. The audible Summary of "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie
   
7. The audible Summary of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Steven R. Covey
   
   
   

There's something else I'd like to mention. Evangelicals aren't just actively avoiding the evidence of basic observations of the universe, they're actively avoiding proper religious experiences as well. Very few of them have ever had one. It's worth knowing that you can. You don't have to be an epileptic to have a Damascus Road experience, and you don't have to spend a month delirious and fasting dehydrated in the wilderness in order to go through a genuine metaphysical event.

The two reasonably safe ways that I know of to induce a religious experience are drugs and meditation (I'm not saying all drugs are safe, but the most relevant ones, psilocybin for instance, are very safe at the relevant doses).

You don't have to be Jesus Christ to experience overwhelming genuine selfless love for all people. You just have to ingest a bit of MDMA.

Here's a Sam Harris article/podcast on drugs: http://www.samharris.org/podcast/item/drugs-and-the-meaning-of-life
For further drug research, https://www.erowid.org is a good place to start.

And here's a link to Harris's book on meditation (no supernatural beliefs required):
http://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-Religion/dp/1451636016/

Your experience of the world is directly mediated by your brain chemistry. By altering that (either immediately and temporarily through drugs, or slowly but in a lasting way through meditation) you can experience first hand exactly what all those prophets were on about. If I'd lived thousands of years ago without the benefit of contemporary knowledge and I'd have had this sort of experience, I'd have thought it was Divine too. Ultimately, it's just a trick of the mind. But it's worth doing once. So that you've seen it for yourself, so that you can know they weren't silly for believing in the gods, just lacking the benefit of contemporary science.

"Men think epilepsy divine, merely because they do not understand it. We will one day understand what causes it, and then cease to call it divine. And so it is with everything in the universe."
-Hippocrates

Another vote for both of the Emily Oster books, and the best practical book I've read is Heading Home with Your Newborn. Also this one's not a pregnancy book but I would strongly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen if you're at all scared of the toddler through kinder stage. It's an entertaining read that aligns well with developmental psychology and has all these really funny real life examples of using the strategies from the book.

If I had to only pick a handful, I'd pick those.

I also liked the Ina May book which people will recommend a lot, but keep in mind it really is exclusively about childbirth and it's a bit crunchier than the average (though this pertains to the birth stories included more than Ina May's actual writing IMO). There's a good interview with her on the Longest Shortest Time podcast that addresses some of the things I felt the book could have benefited from stating outright to avoid sounding a little preachy at times.

If you're looking for like a detailed read that starts with absolute basics that would be especially good for anyone who hasn't researched much on pregnancy before, I would recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. It's as thick as a textbook but it doesn't read like one. They have a page in most sections directly speaking to partners as well, which is neat.

I don't want to read through the wall-of-texts responses (though I read most of your post) so I may be repeating what everyone else has said. But I guess if I'm repeating it, then it's important :P

I totally get what you're saying. I'm starting medication after doing a test titration and I too worry if I'm not actually ADHD, but maybe I'm "just lazy" or "undisciplined", or maybe I have another diagnosis, or maybe I DO have ADHD and medicine isn't going to work for me, and... and... and...

I think it's normal to worry, but you have to keep in mind, just because you feel worried or unsure or like you don't have ADHD, that doesn't mean it reflects reality, and likely it doesn't, especially if a pro at ADHD diagnosis thinks you do.

For me it helped to look at symptoms of ADHD and common problems of ADHD (PI especially, which is my diagnosis). Seeing things that never clicked were a problem, because to me they are so normal. It can be hard to tell what's off or not when you've only ever lived in your body, unless the problems are extremely obvious. But the subtle symptoms, that do cause problems, aren't all that obvious. Seeing symptoms that fit me that I never thought about really validated to me that I have ADHD and I remind myself of the symptoms when I start to doubt.

If you want to look at symptoms and you think it may help you too, look online at various sources, but usually they have the same 9-20 symptoms, which can fit you, but it helps to see a lot of symptoms, fi you really need the validation. For that I suggest [Taking Charge of Adult ADHD] (http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372882376&sr=8-1&keywords=taking+charge+of+adult+adhd) by Russel Barkley (he's one of the leading experts on attention disorders in north america). Also there are some videos of his lectures that he gives to organizations and such on youtube, and I've found those generally helpful and very informative and I highly recommend them.

Also remember, just because you don't have a specific symptom that a lot of other ADHD people have (like slow processing) that doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. There is a reason that you don't have to have all of the symptoms to get a diagnosis, but a certain number, because ADHD looks different in every person.

If Ritalin didn't work for you that just means ritalin doesn't work for you. Everyone responds differently. For some people Aderral makes them a zombie, for others it makes thinks click. Vyvanse is terrible for some people, and for others it makes them feel capable for once in their life. Ritalin may not work for you, but another medicine may be awesome. It's often trial and error of doses and different medications for people.

Dythimia can cause similar symptoms, but if the person that diagnosed you ADHD knew about that, they would have taken it into consideration. If you are still concerned, make sure to bring your worries up with them, as to whether it could all be dysthimia or not. But if someone who is extremely skilled in ADHD diagnosis thinks you have ADHD, chances are pretty slim that you aren't (though possible, but again not likely, so err on the side of you being ADHD, if that makes sense). Personally the way you describe stuff does sound ADHD and some of it doesn't sound like just dysthimia (but again I'm not professional).

I can't really pinpoint too many occasions in my past of ADHD affecting my performance (especially because I have bipolar 2 disorder, so I was depressed a lot in my adolescence and teenage years so that tangles things up). I don't think that's necessairly uncommon. Another thing is that there are a lot of cases of women having ADHD that wasn't noticed as a kid. Part of it is that ADHD is seen as a boy disorder, so teachers will be less likely to think a girl has ADHD. Another important factor is that girls more often have the PI type of ADHD, and that by default is often not nearly as obvious as the hyper type of ADHD. You'll be much more likely to notice the kid running around class blurting out answers and having trouble controlling emotions as compared to the kid who is quiet, daydreamy, and has trouble focusing. It just doesn't grab your attention as much.

Ok, I'm writing a book, sorry, i'll stop here lol. (My ADHD makes it really hard to be succinct :P)

tl;dr: If you are worried about your symptoms make sure to bring it up with your doc. A lot of ppl worry about whether they aren't ADHD but if an ADHD expert says you are ADHD chances are very likely you are ADHD. Also you have to give treatment time. Medications work differently for everyone so you may have to switch doses and medication. And this is a problem people have had for their entire life. It takes time to figure it out and learn how to cope with it, medicine wise and in other strategies. Best of luck!

edit: oh and yeah I do the obsess for a week thing and then give up. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of ADHD but I wouldn't be surprised. Novel things are exciting (and thus easier for ADHDers to summon the energy to work on it) but when they are less exciting, though rewarding, it gets harder to start it and to continue with it. I'm hoping for myself medication will help me to keep up with things I enjoy and keep doing them, and complete projects.

Glad you had a good hunt - the damned things are all over where I live. I compete with wolves, bears, and big cats, though, so maybe next year's numbers will be lower.

You can totally do ethical chicken/poultry if you have at least a half acre of land (house included). It might be a stretch to get a meat poultry operation going, but you can definitely end up drowning in eggs with six or ten birds - remember that each lays an egg a day. If you're interested in a healthy, ethical source of protein, you'd be very hard pressed to do better than home-raised eggs.

There are some great books about this that can help:

The Backyard Homestead

The Backyard Homestead Guide to Raising Farm Animals

Back to Basics

The first book is kind of "general backyard gardens and farms", the second one focuses on animals in particular, and the third is an older book that has information about gardens and livestock, but also loads of cool information on how to preserve foods, build traditional crafts/furniture/construction, etc. - way broader scope than the first two. I definitely recommend all three, though.

Not the OP but here’s a book list I recommend. Even if the books study Wicca, you can apply most of that knowledge to general witchcraft. Much of Wicca IS Witchcraft.

Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft and Buckland's Book of Spirit Communications are good books for getting a decent understanding of what could be (subjectively speaking) considered “traditional” witchcraft. I myself am NOT a fan of the Llewellyn branch of magick, as it is heavily based around forming structured groups and covens and much of the information seems more ceremonial than anything. That being said, these books give a great basic rundown into alot of different styles and tools you will most likely be using or want to use.

Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is great if you want to go down the Wicca path AND it’s made specifically for solitary practitioners along with having some of Scott Cunninghams own spells in it as well.

Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs is a good rundown of many common and uncommon reagents used in witchcraft along with their metaphysical uses. Reader's Digest Magic and Medicine of Plants despite the name is a more practical and scientifically written book on the historical and medicinal used of many N. American plants.

Inside the Mirror Box: Spells and Theory for All Practitioners was actually written by a friend of mine. His book gives alot of information on actual spellwork, along with a large selection of Mirror Box spells and a short section on other uses for mirrors (such as divination).

And finally the Encyclopedia of Spirits is a great reference guide for those of us who want to work with specific entities. The author covers the full gamut of spirits and deities from the ancient gods to christian saints and archangels to lesser known spirits.

It's hard to find mediation resources that aren't swamped in religious mumbo-jumbo given that it is so heavily rooted in eastern religious tradition, but there are a few sources that aren't too bad. To complicate matters, there are a hundred different forms of mediation to look at.

Some resources:

Mindfulness in Plain English

You can buy a copy of this book, but it's available online for free if you're willing to read it off a screen. It's a very comprehensive resource for a common type of meditation. It is the most highly recommended source that is freely available online. I found it informative but I supplemented it with some other stuff online.

/r/Meditation

A decent subreddit for mediation. I'd recommend it for resources only. A lot of what is said on there is kind of group-think weirdness. The people on there can be a little extreme. It reminds me a lot of pot-advocates who like to claim that weed is the panacea. The sidebar has a number of resources you can look at.

Also, Sam Harris just released a book Waking Up. It is sitting in my 'will read' pile right now, but I see and hear a lot of people saying it is pretty good. It's meant to be a guide to mediation and its benefits from a strictly scientific perspective.

Personally, I recommend just sitting down and doing it. Don't read too much about it at first. Just commit to 5 or 10 minutes a day for at least two months. Don't skip any sessions. Consistency is key. Don't set your expectations too high, and don't get frustrated if it feels like it is not working.

Set a timer. Sit down and focus on your breath. When your mind begins to wander, return it to your breath. Rinse. Repeat.

Ah man, good luck. Let me see if I can add anything... probably already been said.

1. He doesn't "reject" your belief so much as not accept it (just as you don't accept Islam). Some amount of reasonable evidence (to him) has convinced him that Christianity is false. This happens quite a bit and is becoming more common as people become more educated and have less trouble feeding themselves. People don't need a God if they're already comfortable, religion is comfort. I could provide numerous skeptical lists that show Christianity to be false, but that won't help you do anything if you aren't looking to change your mind. Approach it like this: do you need proof that Thor doesn't exist? Having a list of proofs of the non-existence of Thor will not help you reason with someone who doesn't believe in Thor. My main reason for being atheist isn't evidence against god, but lack of evidence for a Specifically-Christian god. Nothing in the Bible is believable to me and many parts of Christian theology completely clash with my moral compass. Devout Christians usually have a block that prevents them from thinking about the parts that are icky; he apparently lost his block.
   
   
2. This sounds like typical teenagery stuff combined with a new antitheist mindset. Like anything new, it becomes very important until the charm/novelty wears off. I'd say it's normal as long as he's not looking at bombs and stuff. A lot of antitheists are mad at the religious organizations more than the belief structure. You can try to guide it towards more reasonable outlets of antitheism. Like, since he hates religious hypocrisy, try to find a secular charity (Habitat for Humanity or something) and get him involved in activities that prove he's not a hypocrite like the religious people he despises. It will help develop social networking skills that he'll miss out on if he doesn't have any extra curricular social activities like church.
   
   
3. I would give up on trying to convince him of absolute moral truths and instead approach it from a position of logic and reason. If he's really turned his back on your religion, you really don't have a moral framework to approach him from; the Bible is moot, he'll pretty much have to rely on the conscience you've hopefully instilled in him as a decent parent. Morality is usually ingrained by this age, so you're probably safe from him becoming a psychopath. As an atheist I abhor drugs because they severely limit one's ability to maintain a rational mind and this is contrary to the things I hold dear: intelligence, reason, etc; but many atheists are nihilists and view drugs as beneficial. This is going to come down to peer-groups and his moral. It's hard to break conditioning. He's a boy, you shouldn't have to worry about abortion too much, but you're going to have almost no common ground on this topic. There is no reason to not have sex before marriage outside of unexpected pregnancy, STDs, and emotional scarring; you kind of have to work with that. Teach him caution and self-protection. Abstinence does have it's physical and mental benefits, but good luck convincing a teenage boy of that. Look up things on social contract. He's a teenager, he'd like the books of Sam Harris because they're just controversial enough to be edgy, but he argues for secular objective morality.
   
   Basically, like all teenagers, you're just in a holding pattern until he gets into his mid 20s and becomes the man he probably would have regardless of belief structure. Give him structure, maybe stop spying on him, let him know you're there to help him and that you love him even if he's going to hell.
   
   If he's a reader:
   http://www.amazon.com/Moral-Landscape-Science-Determine-Values/dp/143917122X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394670215&sr=1-1&keywords=Moral+Landscape
   
   http://www.amazon.com/The-Moral-Animal-Evolutionary-Psychology/dp/0679763996/ref=cm_lmf_tit_1
   

For recommendations there is this recent thread. Of the first few posts, I just finished 10% Happier, by Dan Harris. If you're interested I can mail it to you. It was a quick and interesting read, that was a good introduction for a westerner. One of the other books on the list is by Sam Harris, who is mentioned in 10% Happier, and is a pretty big name atheist. So, if you want to go the non-spiritual route he might be a good read, but I haven't read his book. I've also read The Joy of Living and Peace is Every Step, but I'm by no means an expert meditator. Like most things, it's easy to talk about, and read about, and say you'll do, than actually practice daily. Best way to start is to jump in.

Using my best arm chair psychology I'd attribute your lack of motivation to lift as being a part of the larger issue, which is that you're feeling stuck. I don't think you'll find the answer to any of the manifestations of that feeling until you treat the cause. And if you're just going through the motions, you might be right. Maybe you aren't benefiting, but that doesn't mean the activity is to fault, it means you're not mentally and physically applying yourself to the activity. That's where goal setting comes back into play, being happy doesn't mean stop striving, which is something Dan Harris talks about and struggles with in his book. There are always places to improve. So, no, there's no way around it, only through it.

Lol I too I retreat back to drawing my cute girls after I'm done with the lessons for the day.

​

Fun is good and it's okay but I do think if you practice only when you're having fun you wont get very far. Some days you just don't feel like doing it and if you listen to yourself on those days, you wont progress on that particular day. And that's fine if you're okay with that of course. But if your goal is to progress every day, you do it regardless of how you feel about it.

​

Actually, the feeling of difficulty and struggle is a good indicator that you are out of your comfort zone, and you are doing something right. If it's always easy and fun you are simply not progressing very fast.

​

This book talks about it fair bit. Practice isn't supposed to be fun, if your goal is to progress.

https://www.amazon.com/Peak-Secrets-New-Science-Expertise-ebook/dp/B011H56MKS

My 2 year old daughter was just diagnosed with cancer this past july.

I have been an open atheist for more then a decade, however, people still try to push their religious paradigms on me and my wife.

The one that really gets me is "You are probably asking 'Why us?'"

No, we are not. These things happen, and without a magical thinking world view of causation, we do not, and have never, question "why us."

The religious minded seem to think atheists should crumble under the pressure of grief and loss with out a god to "help make them strong."

This world view is built on the Christian ideal that humans are weak and powerless, and our only means to strength is through the worship of god.

Strength only comes from within. Christianity tricks people into locking their strength away, and taking only small portions at a time, and believing that it was god who granted them that strength.

Look into your self, see how strong you really are and come through this a better person then you were before.

Give yourself the space to grieve in your own way, but dont ever let anyone tell you what you feel, why you feel it, or what you should be feeling.

Meditate, allow yourself to gain a perspective separate from your thoughts [mindfullness] (http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955)

I sincerely wish you the best of luck, love, and comfort to help you endure this tragedy. No one will ever know your pain, but some of us can understand it.

I have a copy and waiting to read it after finishing another great book on getting good at stuff.

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

Duckworth dives into the common traits of people who excel in their field or hobby. She agrees on the point that time invested is crucial, but also the components of how to continue improving. The problem is many people get excited about learning/trying something new, but quit after a short period. Or others who only see the top performing people and think they could never get to be like that when really those top performers just did behaviors anyone can do over a long period of time and with good feedback and a specific set of behaviors to continuously improve.

And the truth is, very few people will be the best at something. For most people, just being better than average is an accomplishment.

Definitely do your best to visualize how excited not only you, but the people who you are going to be attending the events with will be to see you. Anxiety is very close to excitement and sometimes it's easier to flick a switch to excitement than it is to quash the anxiety. I personally keep 2 CDs in my cars stereo, one with a bunch of super mellow tracks that my mind fixates on to keep my chill, and one with some really amp it up blood pumping fuck the world I can do anything music, for when I start flipping over to panic and need to channel some bravery and excitement.

On the other side of things, work on your coping skills, meditation, deep breathing exercises. I particularly like the Rodale book on Mindfulness Meditation.

It was actually incredibly helpful for me with coping with my anxiety, possibly even more helpful than my therapist had been, it gave me the tools to make my therapy worthwhile.

If it helps at all, 4 years ago I couldn't leave my street. This past year I had a wedding that I was CONVINCED for a long time I would not make. It was in an incredibly high traffic area, over a draw bridge (in a shore town on the beach) in the middle of the summer. I told everyone to prepare for the possibility of me not making it, but I did. You can do this.

If you have a problem, just remember, it's not because you don't want it enough or you don't love the people enough, it's because you're going through something, you're sick, and you will get better. It's really important to remember that it's not because of a lack of will, or a lack of desire, sometimes things are just hard to get over and the time frame number crunch isn't in our favor. But you can and will do this.

I'd say today I'm a non-denominational Pagan. I am a member of OBOD, but there are no seed groves near me and I tend to do my own thing anyway.


The Buckland book I'm talking about is this one. It's a good beginner book for Wicca. So, Traditional Wiccans in a tradition like... say Gardinarian for example. They all have 'rules' they follow like how they call the Watchtowers (directions). They often work via a lineage, like some traditions wouldn't call you official unless you can say which coven trained you. If you wanted to be a true Gardinarian you'd have to find a Gardinarian coven and do the work to get initiated and educated to the point where you could become a HP/HPS and start your own, and that takes years. The diversity comes from the flexibility within the tradition, some traditions allow for more flexibility than others.


And then came the advent of books. Back in the day (60's-70's) you could only get into Wicca by knowing people and getting involved with a Coven. Books of Shadows were never published, and they were heavy on the secrecy. To readers digest history, stuff kinda started changing in the 60's and 70's as more books started to get published, rather in tandem with the cultural revolution at the time. Dianic Wicca and other lady-centric wiccan traditions in tandem with the Feminist movement played a big part in making Wicca more visible to the general public. Stuff began changing in general. People tired of the old school flogging and ritual binding and long drawn out initiations and the ever so very hetero centric 'must have male/female' stuff the old school Wiccan covens had, people began to break off.


Shit really got going in the 80's as more books began to be published about Wicca, and many had solo practitioners in mind. Authors like Scott Cunningham, Raymond Buckland, and others were all people who once were in a Trad coven who broke off and started their own groups or focused on providing info for Solitary Wiccans. Others like Starhawk, Z Budapest, Selena Fox, and many more started their own traditions without coming to Wicca via an old school tradition (seemingly). They were self taught via study through academia or came to it via the Feminist movement or through personal research.


Anyway, lots of history to unpack and I barely scraped any of it. Eclectic Wicca is just a Wiccan group that pulls from many sources and also makes up some of their own stuff, like rituals and whatever. All of this diversity stems from the lack of dogma, and IMO Wicca has a basic structure that's easy to learn, but can be complex and flexible. Celtic Holidays can be replaced with Roman, Strega (Italian), Germanic, etc. ones. The Rede can and often is rewritten to reflect the person/s values in the group, and the basic system of circle casting with the watchtowers can be replaced with winds or directions or animals.


What is good about it is it can grow and change as you do. That's why there's so much diversity, people change and they change their practice, and the traditions are so people can stick together if they want to.


If that makes sense.

I feel for you so much. My mom was never happy with anything I ever did, and still isn't. I had the same dilemma as you - good grades, good daughter, I didn't understand why I could never make her happy. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. What I did was minimize contact with her - I haven't spoken to her in months, although I do keep in touch regularly with my dad - he's the greatest.

Long-term goal - focus on going away for college, or getting the means to move out once you're 18. Get a job, find a roommate, get another job. You'll feel so much more empowered knowing you can take care of yourself. Dream about that moment, when you'll be free to do whatever you want, including not answering your parents' phone calls. And deciding to see them only once a month, instead of every week like they'd want to. (I'm just giving some examples here, but you'll be in total control of how often you guys interact.)

Short term - every time they try to put you down, you should reply by saying something you did good - I got an A in that class, or I did some other things. You should also remind them that you don't do drugs, never drank, never got pregnant. If they bring up examples of kids doing better than you (my mom had a neverending list!), you bring up other kids who are doing drugs, or went to jail, or don't get better grades than you. Remind them every day - their habit is hard to break, so you'll have to be very persistent and consistent.

I wonder if there's a counselor at your school. Talk to one of your teachers - there must be one you trust or like more than all the others. He/she can give you more information. I know that all colleges have free counseling for students, so worse case scenario, you'd have to wait a year to get into counseling. And the counseling in college is confidential, so your parents won't find out about it unless you tell them (or maybe if you're a danger to yourself, the college might have to notify them).

I found this book: [Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346530194&sr=1-2&keywords=bipolar+parent). Maybe you can find it in your local library - this way, your parents don't have to know about it. I found this book by going to Amazon, and searched for 'bipolar parent'. There are quite a few books there. Your public library must have at least one of them.

You've come along so far, please hang in there. It won't be easy, it will take years for you to repair the emotional damage that's been done to you by the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally in this world, but the end result will be worth it. Please hang in there.

This article is bullshit!!! bury it now before it discourages more people from growing their own food.

I am a sustainability designer, working with communities, individuals, farms, and family homes. This field of work is my life, my passion.

aquaponics can be scaled from commercial to home, and even apartment or rooftop. It produces 50 times the amount of protein than beef, and twice or more green produce. We have built them for family use from scratch for less than $2000.

All you can produce on a 1/4 acre yes, its a book. which we use in consultancies, you can produce much more than a family can consume, and have a surplus.

Here is my friends property in Australia. well well documented and still running.

dont gimme this negative bullshit encouraging people not to grow their own food.

If this isnt enough proof. feel free to rant and i can provide much much more information. but im going out back to my garden. peace.

---

Edit, before i leave, let me stress again. you can feed yourself and another with a aquaponics system you can easily build yourself within a day or two for less than two grand. Organically, nutrient/mineral dense food forever ... for-ever <----- this is what sustainable means.
And if you can afford some panels and a battery for you pump, you can pretty much run it as zero cost. forever, providing you and your family food, forever.

Edit 2, if you want another well explained tidbit on aquaponics, heres a TEDtalk on the topic. this is different from what youve seen throughout your life. prepare to be amazed at what natural systems + design science can accomplish.

This is a fantastic resource for how to talk to the kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
Some of it seems hokey, but I've used some of the techniques from it and it's amazing how it works.

Also be sure you have a big discussion with your bf about expectations, to ensure that you're setting yourself up for success with the kids. Ideally, he should continue to be the disciplinarian in this first phase of you being around, and you shouldn't be doling out any of the punishments. Your job is to bond with the kids and support your boyfriend as he parents. Later on down the line, you may be taking on a more parental role, but you've got to establish the trust between you and the kiddos first. If he's a really involved dad who takes all the responsibility of raising the kids, then it can be YOUR choice what things you want to do to help out (if anything) without the cloud of expectation over your head, so you can easily bow out if things are starting to get overwhelming.

Man, I'm sorry, that sucks.

A few things to keep in mind:

• Most women don't get off on penetrative sex alone. Most require oral or manual stimulation as well.
  Remember, lesbians have healthy sex lives without a penis at all.
  
  
• Don't build up sex to be more than it is. It feels great, don't get me wrong. But the cuddling, talking, massage, are just as important, if not more so.
  
  
• Consider hiring a sex worker. For the most part, they don't care how you look, as long as you're clean, respectful, and pay well. That way, you can take as long as you want, and don't have to worry about pleasing her. They will also help you learn how to please a woman.
  
  
• Work out, and lose weight. If your body is otherwise rocking, and you have the rest of your life in order, a lot of women are going to overlook the size of your penis. As a young man, you have a lot of advantages that you don't appreciate now: clear skin, rapid recovery ability, full head of hair. Make use of it! A lot of old men would happily trade their bodies with yours, micropenis or no.
  
  
• It sounds like you suffer from anxiety and depression as well. If you haven't taken MDMA yet, I recommend taking it sometime, so you know what it feels like to not have anxiety and depression. It will also help you to feel self acceptance for your body. I also recommend getting your testosterone checked, if you haven't already. Consider taking supplemental testosterone, especially if you're at the low end of normal. It will help you build muscle and feel more confident.
  
  
• Consider reading this book:
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735
  
  Right now, you're focused a lot on what you don't have. This book will help you learn how to be content regardless of what you have.

> I've heard of 'mindfulness' but haven't really looked into it.

Mindfulness is basically the act of being present in the current moment. Not worrying about the future or ruminating over the past, but being at peace with where we are right now; present within our body and breath. Given how our minds are trained to work from the time we are children, mindfulness to a lot of westerners is a sort of meditation. But one we can experience as we go about our daily lives.

One of my greatest heroes is Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen Buddhist monk and author. He writes a lot about mindfulness and does it in a really human, immediate way that feels like sitting down with a sweet, humble man who is telling stories about his life. I highly recommend his book Peace is Every Step. It's one of the most pleasurable reads on mindfulness because it's more of a 'show don't tell' book where he talks about finding mindfulness in everyday life activities such as washing the dishes or listening to the ringing of a phone.

Keep in mind that you can be spiritual and/or ascetic, while remaining atheistic. Buddhism is quite neat in this regard. Also, Sam Harris just wrote a book about this very subject: http://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-Religion/dp/1451636016 I haven't read it myself, but seems well-received.

Anyway... my advice would be this: do whatever you think will bring you comfort. Go to church with your cousin if you think it will make you feel better. I know this is controversial advice on this sub, but who cares... I think your psychological wellbeing is more important than appearing outwardly consistent. Please take care of yourself. You are still incredibly young and you'd be amazed at the surprises life can throw at you -- your life could be completely different in six months from now. Keep your head up. We're here if you need to talk more.

Best wishes.

You will never get rid of it entirely, but you can learn to be happy even as it's part of your life. I truly don't think there's a human being alive who doesn't experience existential dread in some form (unless you are literally fighting for survival everyday).

This book helped a lot for me: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735

To summarize very quickly some of the points:

- we are all on a hedonistic treadmill where as soon as we get something we want we take it for granted and start wanting the next thing. Learn to desire the things you already have by practicing negative visualization, which is basically contemplating how you can lose everything you have and love in life. Sounds depressing as hell but it actually makes you start caring and desiring for the things, relationships, and opportunities already present in your life.

- Divide your problems into 3 categories, things you can control, things you have some control over, and things you have no control over. Worry about the first two categories, and for the second, internalize your goals (you can control how much work you put into a project, but you can't control how much other people will like it). For the third, stop worrying about it (easier said than done but still).

- Practice going without things you like for times to make you care about them more and maintain a healthy relationship with them (unhealthy but tasty food, alcohol, anything like that).

There's a lot more to it, but basically learning to loving yourself and the live you have instead of always wishing for a different one, being healthy and active, maintaining good relationships and recognizing that comparison is the enemy of joy can help you find fulfillment in life.

Considering all that you have to put up with in your home, let yourself feel pride that you are doing so well yourself. It's very difficult to remember to keep going when your support is low, but things DO get better. When I moved out, my life improved drastically. I didn't have the same stressors.

Reaching out to redditors is a great start to building up support. sometimes it's easier or more convenient to build back up again using acquaintances and friends from the internet when you first begin. I recommend not posting this type of thing on facebook, though. Find a site with a forum you can talk in. I personally go to crazyboards.org. there's a section specific to self harm (don't be dissuaded by the name, it's a good place).

I also recommend this book, "Surviving a Borderline Parent." http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

Remember that you're only using a coping skill you know, right now. There are others that can be learned, but the important thing is to stick around until your living situation has changed. You can make it, even if things are really hard right now. Remember to be proud of yourself for making it through what you have so far.

I appreciate the sincerity of your view, but I think you might be overlooking some important points.

First of all, yes, there are atheists who call themselves "spiritual," and who seek to reclaim the concept of spirituality from traditional religion. Sam Harris is one of them. He actually has a new book out that I highly recommend. But that doesn't mean atheism itself has anything to do with spirituality, or that atheists as a group are trying to replace religion. It just means that certain individuals, who happen to not believe in God, have an interest in something they call "spiritual." That's a subtle but crucial distinction.

>Yes you could easily have a thought provoking or even chemically induced journey, but not a spiritual one. As this would require belief in the spirit, something which religion itself hinges on.

On whose authority do you say their experiences are not "spiritual," or that adoption of the word "spiritual" demands belief in literal spirits? Not everyone uses the word in the same way you do, and that's permissible. Atheists who use the word are typically not talking about a literal spirit, but rather an experience of transcendence. I would argue that their conception of spirituality likely pre-dates yours, and would therefore urge you not to be dogmatically territorial over the word and how it's used.

>even chemically induced journey, but not a spiritual one

ALL human psychological experiences -- from sadness to love to a sense of oneness with the universe -- have chemical correlates. When a Buddhist monk or Christian nun experiences nirvana or the divine, do you think there's no neurological component to that experience? Researchers have demonstrated that spiritual / religious experiences have very specific fMRI fingerprints, for example. What makes you so sure there's a difference between a "spiritual" experience attained through contemplative prayer and one attained through an LSD trip?

>I would argue the very idea of having a spiritual journey as an atheist, is an attempt at substituting religion

If you notice a few atheists growing mustaches, would you conclude that growing facial hair must be an essential tenet of atheism? But more to the point, I think you're confused about what you're seeing. In the case of folks like Sam Harris, they are not trying to substitute religion. They are trying to recover the small seeds of wisdom that religion has co-opted and corrupted. They recognize that religion wrongly and unnecessarily ties the experience of transcendence to supernatural dogma. They are, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, attempting to separate the diamond from the dung hill.

Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.

When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).

My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.

I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?

About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.

Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.

RBB, man. It sucks.

You're asking a simple question with a complicated solution as there are many factors that go into conflict, stress, and decision making under pressure.

I think the first thing you could do is positive self-reflection. Recognize that stress and adrenaline diminishes your cognitive abilities, and impacts your ability to make rational and logical decisions. That's a biological response and you're simply being human. You said you were concerned about them getting violent, it was already tense, and I assume all three of them were against you. I would be reasonably concerned as well.

If you find this difficult, you need to stop beating yourself up. Ask yourself a simple question: Did you accomplish your goal or solve the problem? If the answer is yes, it's win and it's positive. Unless you broke a law or policy, it's all a learning experience and you can examine the situation to consider what you might do better next time.

You could take time to imagine yourself in future situations and how you would approach it successfully next time, mentally preparing yourself to act. Learning how to control your breathing can help to lower your heart rate and keep yourself more relaxed. Reminding yourself that the people you often deal with are mad at the situation, or what you represent, and not necessarily making it personal (unless you choose to) can help.

Having sufficient training and experience can help your confidence and inoculate you from some of the negative effects of stress, as mindset is a huge piece of the puzzle. Responding with a partner who has your back will also help.

There are a lot of things you can do, and there's no one single fix. If it's useful to you, two books I would recommend are Verbal Judo by George Thompson, and Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. As both touch on some strategies that might help you.

Best of luck and you're welcome to PM me if you want some resources and I'll see what I can drum up.

You'll see this one recommended a lot :
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic and for good reason. I always find myself going back to it. In fact there are quite a few books I'd argue that build upon it

Another very good one is by Leil Lowndes called
How to Talk to Anyone. It gives a lot of useful tips on how to make conversations exciting and vibrant.

Also, John Sonmez's books are really good too because they focus on communication skills from a developers point of view. I really liked these because it also teaches how to develop your career and start your own brand:

• Soft Skills
  
  
• The Complete Software Developer's Career Guide
  
  
  
  These are just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are plenty more. Hope that helped!

To add on to the excellent advise above:

1. Work out in the morning. In the very least this will provide you with a temporary boost of dopamine. Weight training, long distance running, and cycling (amongst other activities) are all good at helping with this.
   
   
2. There are non-prescription supplements that can help with ADHD, but depending on your situation you may not be able to get them. Check over at /r/nootropics for help with Piracetam and Choline. (Nootropics are supplements that help improve brain function) IIRC one of the members there runs an online store, see if you can work something out. On that note, many of the online nootropics stores are small time operations run by nice friendly people, try getting in contact with someone directly. Bulk nootropics (in powder form) are relatively cheap.
   
   
3. Get a hold of Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Barkley. It is a step by step system to helping organize your life and accomplishing your goals. If you follow it, you will improve.
   
   
   
   

My husband does not want help either. Also thinks he can do just fine on his own. But what he doesn't understand is that he is making progress because, I am encouraging certain conversations to happen which allows him to make connections in his own head about how his ADHD effects him and how he can manage better. So there is a lot of self help books / audio books, tips. Those things do help if you have a good understanding of ADHD, they really can help day to day life go a lot smoother.

My first baby step was increasing my own knowledge and understanding of exactly how ADHD effects someone. Little tips and tricks I passed on, things are a lot better than they were. There's a lot of casual reading material out there as well as lectures and stuff, I have not personally read some of the ADHD books (I think may be detailed on the front page), but other's have said they are very helpful.

Maybe you could encourage your husband to get an audio book version or just to read a few pages. Chances are it might interest him so much he'll hyper focus his way through it.

If I were buying a book today though, I'd start here: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley

I hope this helps!

If you haven't already checked this one out, I HIGHLY recommend: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/150113163X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I share this resource with families and also teachers/instructors that work with young children. I have had families tell me that it has given them all of the tools they need to understand what their child is trying to communicate and also how to manage those emotions.

Also, try to offer some calming exercises like balloon belly breathing (eyes closed, picture there is a balloon in your belly and breathe in to fill it up and breathe out to let the air out) with her when you start to see that "monkey mind" starting.

Finally, I can't not promote something that I designed for parents just like you. Please check out
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/yourchime/your-chime-a-book-and-calming-tool-for-children

Best of luck to you! I hope that you remember that it is those independent, ruthlessly stubborn kids that have the most leadership potential. It is your job as a parent to keep her alive (obviously) and show her that she can use those super powers that she has for good when she learns to control her emotions. I have no doubt that your daughter will be an amazing leader someday.

Have you heard of deliberate practice? I'm terrible at explaining things, but luckily other people have made much better guides on deliberate practice, explaining it and teaching you how to apply it to anything. I highly suggest reading peak. Its a fantastic book that seriously helped me with learning any skill.

There is a great reddit post explaining deliberate practice, and showing how to apply it in starcraft 2. There is also an awesome video Artosis made that helps a lot. Its about SC remastered, but you can easily apply it in SC2

If you are serious about getting better at Starcraft I highly recommend learning about deliberate practice!

I recommend having a look at the side bar as well as maybe try picking up some reading material this book is a excellent start for some 101 informational! This sub has a excellent group of people so people for the most part are very happy to share their wisdom!

I myself am a Wiccan and could imagine myself any other way and a just recently started down the path of becoming a green witch! If you ever have any questions and your shy about posting feel free to message me and I’ll help the best I can! ☺️

The Following list is taken from the Witches & Warlocks FB page. (This is Christian Day's group)

Witches and Warlocks Recommended Reading List
This is a collection of books recommended by our admins and participants in the group. Books must be approved by the admins so if you'd like to see one added to the last, please post it in the comments at the bottom of this list and, if it's something we think is appropriate, we'll add it! We provide links to Amazon so folks can read more about the book but we encourage you to shop at your local occult shop whenever possible! :)


BEGINNER'S WITCHCRAFT BOOKS

Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft
by Raymond Buckland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0875420508

Drawing Down the Moon: Witches, Druids, Goddess-Worshippers, and Other Pagans in America
by Margot Adler
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143038192

Grimoire of the Thorn-Blooded Witch: Mastering the Five Arts of Old World Witchery
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635500

The Inner Temple of Witchcraft: Magick, Meditation and Psychic Development
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738702765

The Kybalion: The Definitive Edition
by William Walker Atkinson (Three Initiates)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1585428744

Lid Off the Cauldron: A Wicca Handbook
by Patricia Crowther
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1861630328

Mastering Witchcraft
by Paul Huson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0595420060

Natural Magic
by Doreen Valiente
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0919345808

Natural Witchery: Intuitive, Personal & Practical Magick
by Ellen Dugan
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738709220

Old World Witchcraft: Ancient Ways for Modern Days
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635055

The Outer Temple of Witchcraft: Circles, Spells and Rituals
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738705314

Power of the Witch: The Earth, the Moon, and the Magical Path to Enlightenment
by Laurie Cabot
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0385301898

Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation
by Silver RavenWolf
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703192

Spirit of the Witch: Religion & Spirituality in Contemporary Witchcraft
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703389

Witch: A Magickal Journey
by Fiona Horne
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0007121326

Witchcraft for Tomorrow
by Doreen Valiente
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0709052448

Witchcraft Today
by Gerald Gardner
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806525932
The Witches' Craft: The Roots of Witchcraft & Magical Transformation
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/073870265X
The Witching Way of the Hollow Hill
by Robin Artisson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982031882

WITCHCRAFT HISTORY AND RESOURCE BOOKS

Aradia or The Gospel of the Witches
by Charles Godfrey Leland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982432356

Encyclopedia of Mystics, Saints & Sages: A Guide to Asking for Protection, Wealth, Happiness, and Everything Else!
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0062009575

The Encyclopedia of Witches, Witchcraft and Wicca
by Rosemary Ellen Guiley
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0816071047

Etruscan Roman Remains
by Charles Godfrey Leland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1494302519

The God of the Witches
by Margaret Murray
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0195012704

The Weiser Field Guide to Witches, The: From Hexes to Hermione Granger, From Salem to the Land of Oz
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578634792

ADVANCED BOOKS ON WITCHCRAFT AND MAGIC

Blood Sorcery Bible Volume 1: Rituals in Necromancy
by Sorceress Cagliastro
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1935150812

The Deep Heart of Witchcraft: Expanding the Core of Magickal Practice
by David Salisbury
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1780999208

Teen Spirit Wicca
by David Salisbury
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1782790594

Enchantment: The Witch's Art of Manipulation by Gesture, Gaze and Glamour
by Peter Paddon
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1936922517

Initiation into Hermetics
by Franz Bardon
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1885928122

Letters from the Devil's Forest: An Anthology of Writings on Traditional Witchcraft, Spiritual Ecology and Provenance Traditionalism
by Robin Artisson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1500796360

Magical Use of Thought Forms: A Proven System of Mental & Spiritual Empowerment
by Dolores Ashcroft-Nowick and J.H. Brennan
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567180841

Magick in Theory and Practice
by Aleister Crowley
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1500380679

The Plant Spirit Familiar
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982774311

Protection and Reversal Magick
by Jason Miller
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1564148793
Psychic Self-Defense
by Dion Fortune
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635098
The Ritual Magic Workbook: A Practical Course of Self-Initiation
by Dolores Ashcroft-Norwicki
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578630452
The Roebuck in the Thicket: An Anthology of the Robert Cochrane Witchcraft Tradition
by Evan John Jones, Robert Cochrane and Michael Howard
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1861631553

The Satanic Witch
by Anton Szandor LaVey
http://www.amazon.com/Satanic-Witch-Anton-Szandor-LaVey/dp/0922915849
Shadow Magick Compendium: Exploring Darker Aspects of Magickal Spirituality
by Raven Digitalis
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003VS0N5K
The Tree of Enchantment: Ancient Wisdom and Magic Practices of the Faery Tradition
by Orion Foxwood
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578634075
The Underworld Initiation: A journey towards psychic transformation
by R.J. Stewart
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1892137038

HERBALISM, CANDLES, INCENSE, OILS, FORMULARIES, AND STONES

A Compendium of Herbal Magic
by Paul Beyerl
http://www.amazon.com/dp/091934545X

Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs
by Scott Cunningham
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0875421229

The Enchanted Candle: Crafting and Casting Magickal Light
by Lady Rhea
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806525789

The Enchanted Formulary: Blending Magickal Oils for Love, Prosperity, and Healing
by Lady Maeve Rhea
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806527048

Incense: Crafting and Use of Magickal Scents
by Carl F. Neal
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703362

Magickal Formulary Spellbook Book 1
by Herman Slater
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0939708000

Magickal Formulary Spellbook: Book II
by Herman Slater
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0939708108


SPELLCASTING AND SPELLBOOKS
Crone's Book of Charms & Spells
by Valerie Worth
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567188117

Crone's Book of Magical Words
by Valerie Worth
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567188257

Encyclopedia of 5,000 Spells
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061711233

Everyday Magic: Spells & Rituals for Modern Living
by Dorothy Morrison
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567184693

Pure Magic: A Complete Course in Spellcasting
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578633915
Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions
by Dorothy Morrison
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0979453313
The Voodoo Hoodoo Spellbook
by Denise Alvarado
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635136

The Voodoo Doll Spellbook: A Compendium of Ancient and Contemporary Spells and Rituals
by Denise Alvarado
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578635543


THE ANCESTORS AND WORKING WITH THE DEAD
The Cauldron of Memory: Retrieving Ancestral Knowledge & Wisdom
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738715751

The Mighty Dead
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982774370

Speak with the Dead: Seven Methods for Spirit Communication
by Konstantinos
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738705225
The Witches' Book of the Dead
by Christian Day
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635063
_____
TAROT

78 Degrees of Wisdom
by Rachel Pollack
http://www.amazon.com/dp/157863408

1. Get lots of practice. Even just driving the 10 minutes to the grocery store (with a licensed adult in the passenger seat, of course, if that is required in your state) helps you get comfortable with the mechanics of the car and how to read other cars.
   
   
2. Drive defensively. Sure, you had the right of way and the other guy was blatantly running a red light, but you're still in a collision, are late to wherever you were going (because you aren't anymore), and will have to get your car fixed. Sure, maybe a guy cuts you off, but at least your car door isn't scratched. For now, if you're not 110% sure, don't take that fast left turn. As you get more hours behind the wheel, that can slip down to 95, 90% because your gut will pick up on trends and tell you when it's safe. (If you're skeptical of this phenomenon, try Malcolm Gladwell's Blink) The important thing is to keep yourself out of all collisions possible because they're just hairy to deal with. (And remember, that's a 2 ton hunk of metal capable of moving way faster than 60 mph that you're driving; it's dangerous, so respect it).
   
   
3. Learn to stop without the car smoothly (i.e. not nose-diving into its front suspension only to pop back up when you stop moving). This requires a very fine release of the brake right when you're about to stop so that the car inches forward just slightly more to let the front suspension decompress gradually. If you're aware that this is possible, you'll figure it out eventually. Your future passengers will probably not notice, but their stomachs will.
   
   
4. Similar to 3, when turning or driving on a bend in the road, try to maintain a more or less constant speed (don't gun the gas or slam on the brakes; touches on the brake are fine to maintain control). Humans (or more precisely, human heads and stomachs) don't handel diagonal accelerations very well; front and back, sure; side to side, sure; together: No. While you may think to dismiss this tip and 3 to when you're more experienced, it's important to start building these habits from an early point in learning lest you start bad habits in their place.
   
   
5. (Since you say "wish you could tell drivers all over") Try to get this into your head: Driving a car doesn't entitle you to any more road, or time, or space than all the other cars on the road (i.e. don't be a dick when you drive; especially if you aren't a dick otherwise). This also means don't get angry when people cut you off, pass you on a two-lane road (just to get to the stop sign 10 seconds sooner), do that fancy swerving business on the highway, or honk their horn at you. (Though if you do hear a car horn, immediately make sure that you're not about to hit something/someone because that's what the horn is really for; check the sides of the road closest to you, check your mirrors.).
   
   
6. EDIT: I forgot to re-iterate Cardigain's excellent tip of looking ahead. Really far ahead. As in "as far as you can see up the road" ahead on non-highways and a mile or so on highway. It lets you judge the future situations from an earlier time which is always a good thing, and see sooner places where you need to slow/stop and change your speed accordingly (and smoothly). As a bonus, it also let's you estimate how long that red light ahead of you has been red and time your approach so that it turns green just as you get there; it'll amaze people that you have this magic that lets you hit all green lights on a 1 hour drive. ;)
   
   Other people have also given excellent advice. Maybe I'll think of some more later, but I'll start you off with these. ;)

>in terms of perspective and proportion, is this where it's important to study anatomy? I know figure drawing and anatomy is something art students study, is that the reason why?

Absolutely, constructing forms and figures in perspective benefit immensely from understanding the bones and muscles underneath. It also lets you play with design more, exaggerating areas while keeping it natural looking. I wouldn't say it's as important if it's just for a single illustration though.

>Also, how do you practise art?? Sometimes I struggle to focus on one thing long enough to actually know what skill I'm practising.

That's tough to answer, for it depends on your goals and style you want to achieve. Deliberate practice is the best way I've found to practice to improve though. The easiest definition I could find was:
> Deliberate practice is intentional, aimed at improving performance, designed for your current skill level, combined with immediate feedback and repetitious.

However, there's a great book on the subject that I highly recommend. Because from personal experience, this book alone taught me how to practice effectively.

Hope this helps, good luck on your artistic journey

This probably depends vastly on your age, but the best thing I can say at 27 is that you should set firm boundaries and stick to them. If my mother is being verbally abusive/controlling/etc, I don't talk to her. I tell her that I love her and will talk to her when she calms down, but I refuse to listen to put-downs and unsolicited advice. I know a lot of kids of borderlines who have been helped by reading up on Dialectical behavior therapy. There is also a really great (albeit a bit pricey) book called Surviving a Borderline Parent. Don't buy the Kindle edition, it has several blank/missing pages. I haven't finished it (haven't bought paperback) but I had so many moments of "OMG, other people have gone through this!" in what little I did read. If I think of anything else, I'll post it here. Good luck!

Let me say right up front that this is colored through the lens of my own experience, so I am not necessarily unbiased here. :) OK, that out of the way, from the little we know, she sounds as though she flip flops on you. One moment she's OK and the next, pushing you away. She's tried therapy and treatment for depression which has been ineffective. She gets angry with you for no apparent reason, but refuses to tell you why. She acts like things are OK in front of others, yet when alone, she's a different person.

Man, if I weren't sure it's not, I'd say you were married my ex-wife. (I know she's not because the ages are wrong. That said, I went though exactly what you're describing for two decades. Why so long, you may ask? Well, she'd be great for a long time. Her grandmother lived with us for many years, which in retrospect made her behave more carefully.

All that aside, let me give you the end result. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into exactly what all that means, but I urge you to look into it. According to my own therapist, as well as the one we both went to fora while against her "better judgement", BPD is underdiagnosed and is commonly misdiagnosed as depression because the symptoms in common are all that tend to get reported.

One thing that makes it extremely difficult to treat, let alone live with, is their brain apparently literally makes memories up to suit, even moreso than normal. They will adamantly argue that you did X, despite X never having been done. They're also most often perceived by those not close to them as very normal and even likable. There are a number of theories on why that is, but it's very common.

I read a book on it a while ago, aimed more at children of BPD parents, but my therapist thought it was useful. I found it immensely so. I'll ask her for the name of it and edit in a link later.

Edit: Holy crap, she got back to my text fast! Must have caught her at a good time. Anyhow, the book is called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I found it quite helpful, personally.

Good luck, man. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Well, never thought I'd be recommending philosophy or religion for someone on Patient Gamers but here goes.

Difficulty enjoying the present is something I've struggled with and hope I'm getting better at.

I'm no expert but Buddhism seems like a great system for more emotionally driven people to get over this problem.

For more analytic types, and as for myself, studying what the ancient Stoics wrote has been super helpful (like, SUPER). Here's a really good starter: https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735

first post long time lurker I have been following the GD tradition for over a decade so i can shed my own personal viewpoint if that helps. I believe that everyone who practices the occult in any way, shape or form should pick and choose what he or she likes. That being said if you follow the GD system to its conclusion you can and will have a strong base of occult knowledge. You could also join the OTO, AA, BOTA or a number of other groups where you will find credible, proven systems that work for those operating it. No one system is right or wrong. So pick what you like and dedicate yourself to it.

I enjoy the GD work because it provides a strong framework for me when i write my own rituals. There are a number of magical systems within the walls of most legitimate GD Temples which gives you a good platform for your future. If you are blessed to live within driving distance of one you should, if you are interested, seek them out.

The system itself is well put together and incorporates a system that works if you apply it. However, the problem with any social organization is always its members. You will, whether in school, temple, work, sports, or any other group/social activity, inevitably run into assholes. You will also run into amazing, loving, smart, wise, intelligent, caring, powerful people and every other mindset you can imagine in human form. So meet with the group first and see if you like them regardless of its affiliation.

If you are not near a GD temple never fear you can self initiate at home! It does take some work and dedication but you can learn and do everything you need from whats out there in print right now. Some of the books I would look at to begin with are probably from the author [Israel Regardie] (http://www.amazon.com/Israel-Regardie/e/B000APBPWM/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1376711546&sr=8-2-ent). More specifically [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Golden-Dawn-Teachings-Ceremonies-Llewellyns/dp/0875426638/ref=sr_1_1s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376711553&sr=1-1) would be a good place to start in conjunction with [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Modern-Magick-Twelve-Lessons-Magickal/dp/0738715786) as a compliment.

There are modern temples run in many parts of the world but one of the major ones are run by the [Cicero's] (http://www.hermeticgoldendawn.com/) a quick google search will find you everything you need about the major groups in existence today. Try not to get too hung up on lineage and drama within the bubble of GD, there are good occult groups and bad judge for yourself what is right for you.

I apologize in advance for my grammar, lack of reddit know how, and general newness to the community I hope you got something out of my rant.

I recommend learning about the development of expertise in general. The expert on this topic is Anders Ericcson. His book Peak lays out his research for a general audience. It describes how people in various disciplines, such as music, dance, and chess, train to become experts. His research is the basis for the oft-misquoted “10000 hour rule.”

One key is deliberate practice. In the case of writing, this might look like writing 5 plot outlines, 5 descriptions of people/places/things, and 5 scenes of dialogue each day. You can tailor it to what you you think you need to work on most.

Another key is measuring progress toward a specific goal. For example, writing X hundred or thousand words per day is a start, but that should be paired with a way to measure how much better each day’s writing is than the day before. One way to measure might be posting your writing on Reddit and counting how many comments/upvotes it gets, or sending your writing to publishers and seeing how many acceptances you receive. It is hard to measure improvement in writing, but that is key.

Can’t recommend Peak more - it’s shows that getting better isn’t just about time at the keyboard. I’d love to hear how you think it can be applied to writing.

Finding the "path" is one of the greatest fortune in life... so it is said. So congratulation.

I would strongly recommend "Three Pillars of Zen" by Roshi Phillip Kapleau.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Three-Pillars-Zen-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938

This book was and is one of the most influential book in my life. What I really liked is that somewhere about the middle, there are accounts of enlightenment experiences of westerners. The sufferings of most of these students were something that I strongly identified with. Just these accounts are fun enough for the price of ownership.

All the best.

All the research says that a healthy person can learn anything with the right kind of practice over a sufficient period of time. There's no secret to expertise. Obviously, not everyone has life circumstances that allow them to do this, but people can learn more quickly and thoroughly than they think with the right kind of practice.

Peak: Secrets From The New Science of Expertise does a good job summarizing the research. Another interesting example is the Polgar family.

Part of it is an outlook issue. There's a difference between "I can't do math" and "I haven't figured out how to do math, yet." A person with the former belief will see obstacles as justification for quitting, while a person with the latter belief will go looking for a different way to practice.

With respect to math, I guarantee you that the typical programmer is doing more math than they realize. They don't realize it because they have a certain idea of what math is, what it looks like, what it feels like to "do math", etc. and they neither see nor feel any of that in their programming work.

A person with the latter attitude might ask themselves, "How does math play a role in what I'm currently doing? Can I find the math in what I'm already doing and use that as a first step in getting better at math?" A person with the former attitude won't — if they can't "do math" then, by definition, whatever they're doing can't be math.

Here's my list of the classics:

General Computing

• But How Do It Know? - The Basic Principles of Computers for Everyone
  
  
• The Elements of Computing Systems: Building a Modern Computer from First Principles
  
  
• Code: The Hidden Language of Computer Hardware and Software
  
  
• Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid
  
  Computer Science
  
  
• The New Turing Omnibus: Sixty-Six Excursions in Computer Science
  
  
• Compilers: Principles, Techniques, and Tools, 2nd Edition (aka The Dragon Book)
  
  
• The Art of Computer Programming
  
  
• Algorithms, 4th Edition
  
  
• Introduction to Algorithms, 3rd Edition (aka CLRS)
  
  
• Essential Algorithms: A Practical Approach to Computer Algorithms Using Python and C#, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Grokking Algorithms: An Illustrated Guide for Programmers and Other Curious People
  
  
• Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs, 2nd Edition (aka SICP, available for free on the MIT website)
  
  
• Discrete Mathematics with Applications, 4th Edition
  
  Software Development
  
  
• Designing Data-Intensive Applications: The Big Ideas Behind Reliable, Scalable, and Maintainable Systems by Martin Kleppmann
  
  
• Design Patterns: Elements of Reusable Object-Oriented Software (aka The Gang of Four)
  
  
• Think Like a Programmer: An Introduction to Creative Problem Solving
  
  
• The Pragmatic Programmer: your journey to mastery, 20th Anniversary Edition, 2nd Edition
  
  
• The Mythical Man-Month: Essays on Software Engineering
  
  
• Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction, 2nd Edition
  
  
• The Design of Everyday Things
  
  
• Clean Code: A Handbook of Agile Software Craftsmanship
  
  
• Programming Pearls, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Soft Skills: The Software Developer's Life Manual
  
  
• Hello, Startup: A Programmer's Guide to Building Products, Technologies, and Teams
  
  
• Hacker's Delight, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Peopleware: Productive Projects and Teams, 3rd Edition
  
  Case Studies
  
  
• The Soul of a New Machine
  
  
• Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture
  
  
• Hackers: Heroes of the Computer Revolution
  
  
• Where Wizards Stay Up Late: The Origins Of The Internet
  
  
• Fire in the Valley: The Birth and Death of the Personal Computer, 3rd Edition
  
  Employment
  
  
• Cracking the Coding Interview: 189 Programming Questions and Solutions, 6th Edition
  
  
• The Complete Software Developer's Career Guide: How to Learn Programming Languages Quickly, Ace Your Programming Interview, and Land Your Software Developer Dream Job
  
  
• The Self-Taught Programmer: The Definitive Guide to Programming Professionally
  
  
• The Passionate Programmer: Creating a Remarkable Career in Software Development
  
  Language-Specific
  
  C
  
  
• The C Programming Language, 2nd Edition
  
  Python
  
  
• Automate the Boring Stuff with Python: Practical Programming for Total Beginners, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Python Crash Course: A Hands-On, Project-Based Introduction to Programming
  
  
• Python Programming: An Introduction to Computer Science, 3rd Edition
  
  
• Effective Python: 59 Specific Ways to Write Better Python
  
  C#
  
  
• The C# Player's Guide, 3rd Edition
  
  C++
  
  
• The C++ Programming Language, 4th Edition
  
  
• Starting Out with C++: from Control Structures to Objects, 9th Edition
  
  Java
  
  
• Introduction to Java Programming and Data Structures: Comprehensive Version, 11th Edition
  
  
• [Java: A Beginner's Guide](https://www.amazon.com/Java-Beginners-Seventh-Herbert-Schildt/dp/1259589315/, 7th Edition)
  
  
• Java: The Complete Reference, 11th Edition
  
  
• Core Java Volume I - Fundamentals, 11th Edition
  
  
• Starting Out with Java: From Control Structures through Objects, 6th Edition
  
  
• Effective Java, 3rd Edition
  
  Linux Shell Scripts
  
  
• The Linux Command Line: A Complete Introduction, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Wicked Cool Shell Scripts: 101 Scripts for Linux, OS X, and UNIX Systems, 2nd Edition
  
  
• Linux Command Line and Shell Scripting Bible
  
  
• Mastering Linux Shell Scripting
  
  Web Development
  
  
• Learning Web Design: A Beginner's Guide to HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and Web Graphics, 5th Edition
  
  
• Eloquent JavaScript: A Modern Introduction to Programming, 3rd Edition (also available for free on the author's website)
  
  
• JavaScript and JQuery: Interactive Front-End Web Development
  
  
• HTML and CSS: Design and Build Websites
  
  
• You Don't Know JS: Up & Going
  
  Ruby and Rails
  
  
• Ruby on Rails Tutorial: Learn Web Development with Rails, 4th Edition (Note: this book is somewhat out of date compared to the live version on the author's website.)
  
  
• The Well Grounded Rubyist, 3rd Edition
  
  
• Practical Object-Oriented Design in Ruby: An Agile Primer
  
  
• Agile Web Development with Rails 5.1
  
  
• Programming Ruby 1.9 & 2.0: The Pragmatic Programmers' Guide, 4th Edition
  
  
• Eloquent Ruby
  
  Assembly
  
  
• Assembly Language for x86 Processors, 8th Edition

From Robert Wright's brilliant book "The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology." You should buy it.

> The pair-bond hypothesis was popularized by Desmond Morris in his 1967 book The Naked Ape. This book, along with a few other 1960s books (Robert Ardrey's The Territorial Imperative, for example), represent a would-be watershed in the history of evolutionary thought. That they found large readerships signaled a new openness to Darwinism, an encouraging dissipation of the fallout from its past political misuses. But there was no way, in the end, that these books could start a Darwinian renaissance within academia. The problem was simple: they didn't make sense.  {55} 
>
> One example surfaced early in Morris's pair-bonding argument. He was trying to explain why human females are generally faithful to their mates. This is indeed a good question (if you believe they are, that is). For high fidelity would place women in a distinct minority within the animal kingdom. Though female animals are generally less licentious than males, the females of many species are far from prudes, and this is particularly true of our nearest ape relatives. Female chimpanzees and bonobos are, at times, veritable sex machines. In explaining how women came to be so virtuous, Morris referred to the sexual division of labor in an early hunter-gatherer economy. "To begin with," he wrote, "the males had to be sure that their females were going to be faithful to them when they left them alone to go hunting. So the females had to develop a pairing tendency."2
>
> Stop right there. It was in the reproductive interests of the males for the females to develop a tendency toward fidelity? So natural selection obliged the males by making the necessary changes in the females? Morris never got around to explaining how, exactly, natural selection would perform this generous feat."
>
> Maybe it's unfair to single Morris out for blame. He was a victim of his times. The trouble was an atmosphere of loose, hyper-teleological thinking. One gets the impression, reading Morris's book, and Ardrey's books, of a natural selection that peers into the future, decides what needs to be done to make things generally better for the species, and takes the necessary steps. But natural selection doesn't work that way. It doesn't peer ahead, and it doesn't try to make things generally better. Every single, tiny, blindly taken step either happens to make sense in immediate terms of genetic self-interest or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, you won't be reading about it a million years later. This was an essential message of George Williams's 1966 book, a message that had barely begun to take hold when Morris's book appeared.

And also this:

> How have societies over the years coped with the basic sexual asymmetry in human nature? Asymmetrically. A huge majority --- 980 of the 1,154 past or present societies for which anthropologists have data --- have permitted a man to have more than one wife.71 And that number includes most of the world's hunter-gatherer societies, societies that are the closest thing we have to a living example of the context of human evolution.
>
> The more zealous champions of the pair-bond thesis have been known to minimize this fact. Desmond Morris, hell-bent on proving the natural monogamy of our species, insisted in The Naked Ape that the only societies worth paying much attention to are modern  {90}  industrial societies, which, coincidentally, fall into the 15 percent of societies that have been avowedly monogamous. "[A]ny society that has failed to advance has in some sense failed, 'gone wrong,' " he wrote. "Something has happened to it to hold it back, something that is working against the natural tendencies of the species. ..." So "the small, backward, and unsuccessful societies can largely be ignored." In sum, said Morris (who was writing back when Western divorce rates were about half what they are now): "whatever obscure, backward tribal units are doing today, the mainstream of our species expresses its pair-bonding character in its most extreme form, namely long-term monogamous matings."72
>
> Well, that's one way to get rid of unsightly, inconvenient data: declare them aberrant, even though they vastly outnumber the "mainstream" data.

Buy the book! http://smile.amazon.com/Moral-Animal-Science-Evolutionary-Psychology/dp/0679763996/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450556519&sr=8-1&keywords=moral+animal

I came in to say nearly the same thing. Parties are overwhelming and stressful for a lot of fully-developed adults!

>kids aren't giving you a hard time, they are having one

That's a common mantra among parents who follow the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model, since it summarizes the philosophy so clearly and succinctly. It probably didn't start there (there's nothing new under the sun) so I'm curious if you came upon it through CPS or elsewhere.

----

To OP:

>I guess I just want to know how to handle the real discipline without hating myself for it.

Remember that "discipline" means teaching, despite its common usage as a synonym for punishment. Keep your discipline thoughtful, positive, and productive. Not only is everyone happier in such an environment, outcomes are proven to be better, too.

Thoughtful problem-solving is a powerful, effective tool. Punishment really isn't. Sending your kid to bed without dinner or story time doesn't build executive function skills or teach him any coping mechanisms for the next time he's in an overwhelming situation; helping him identify the problem and then create a better solution for next time will.

If you want an evidence-based model for doing so, check out Raising Human Beings. I also love the How to Talk series, which are also empathy-and problem-solving-focused. Try How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.

Buckland's book is huge and essentially reads like an encyclopedia. You might not subscribe to a subset of the material, but it's great to get ideas.

I can attest that Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham is a good read. That might have been the one you read. Also, Wicca for Beginners is pretty good if you're still looking for intro material.

I've also found Full Contact Magick to be useful, though there isn't really anything about altars in there.

One of my favorite books is on the subject is

The Backyard Homestead: Produce all the food you need on just a quarter acre! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1603421386/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_6-gGyb3BECDHB

It is at our local library and I love reading it.

I'm not homesteading now but it's in my plan. I do have an agriculture background which will make it easier. My suggestion is to read read read. Talk to your local extension office for help on your local area. They offer classes and events that are often free or low cost. Master Gardner classes run a $100 or more for your certification but are definitely worth it!

Another thought is determine which crops and things are the most cost efficient. For example I live in a farming community that one of the crops produced is edible beans. I can go to our local coop and get a 100 lb sack for $30. Is it worth my time to grow the black or pinto beans? Nope, unlikely.

The Idea Writers - Tons of Case Studies, but they're all told excellently.

It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want To Be - Inspiration not to settl and to do great work.

Baked In - A lot like an updated Purple Cow. All about integrating product, management, and marketing.

Blink or Tipping Point - About the little things that cause shifts in culture to happen.

Also, some Seth Godin action never hurts. Definitely recommend his blog.

If you want more "How to make ads" type stuff there are more down that path, too. Just let me know.

> I personally lean towards Dr. Hallowell's perspective because I've found it more helpful in my day-to-day life

Yeah I think I agree - I think Barkley's stuff is phenomenal for explaining the validity of ADHD as a condition/disorder/disability/etc and explaining why and how it's not just an matter of discipline or laziness or know-how. Hallowell's stuff is great because it includes that but, like you said, helps with the daily management and I find it helps me feel validated and stay a little more hopeful.

I do have Barkley's book on managing adult ADHD on my reading list though so I'm very curious to see how it compares to Hallowell's practitioner approach.

I hate drugs and therapy too. It sounds schlocky, but mindfulness based meditation is really helpful. This book is my favorite because it's based on slowly building up over eight weeks and comes with guided tracks that focus on relaxing your body and refocusing your mind. You can just stick to doing the little five minute ones once a day or you can progress through the longer ones.

It really does help because it forces to you redirect your attention and correct your breathing. There's also stuff that teaches you how to deconstruct anxious thoughts and accept that it's all stuff you literally can't do anything about. It's definitely worth a try if you're at the end of your rope.

Honestly, its the interviewers job to figure out if you will be able to handle it. They have more information on the job than you do at this point (usually). Interviews dont have to be stressful. Just go into it and talk about what you know, what your experience is whether its theoretical or practical, and be personable. Highlight things in your past that show you genuinely enjoy learning and the field and you'll show that you're willing/able to close the gap in knowledge in a timely manner. If you don't get the job, no sweat. Keep learning, keep looking.

Don't go into interviews trying to convince anybody you're the best man for the job, go into them to have a conversation with the interviewers to determine if the job is a good fit for you.

I strongly recommend this book, even for non software developers.
It talks about how to approach interviews, how to decide is you want to work for yourself or for someone else, and a lot of other useful non technical skills that can boost confidence: https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397

I don't have experience with this yet, as my baby just turned 1, but I just finished reading the book "How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen" Link to Amazon it seems like it might help you here. I think the advice from that book would be, acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, "you hate getting ready for bed. wouldn't it be fun if you were a giraffe, that only had to sleep 30 minutes a day!?" And hopefully acknowledging her feelings will get some more insight into why she doesn't actually want to fall asleep or get ready for the day. Sorry if that doesn't help much, but i 100% recommend the book!

i'm sorry things are so stressful! hopefully you'll find something that works to calm her down soon! and good luck with your new work routine!

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD

Unfortunately, there isn't an audiobook version of this book. Fortunately, that's ok because there are spaces in the book you should really write in answers. It's highly skimmable and written for the ADHD reader. It's a must-read. Seriously. And it's by our favorite person in the universe, Dr. Barkley.


How my life has improved thanks to suggestions in this book (disclaimer: the meds help--if you're not on meds the book will help you think about that decision and provide guidance):

• I understand how non-verbal working memory and verbal working memory affect my ability to live normally, and have learned techniques to compensate
  
• I understand how normal minds think better and can better communicate to my girlfriend and others that certain things they think naturally have to be a concerted effort for me
  
• I brush my teeth every morning and night because I have a sticky note reminding me to think of it as "preventing gum disease"
  
• I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom because I found a way to make it not excruciatingly boring
  
• I take the trash out before it's too full because I put up a picture of a trash bag breaking apart at the bottom and spewing garbage everywhere
  
• I don't forget things when I leave the house because I put sticky notes on the door
  
• I walk my dog twice a day because I have a sticky note reminding me to consider the consequences of skipping a walk
  
• Before turning on the TV I stop and think about whether I should be doing that
  
• I'm working on a technique to shut up and think before I speak
  
• I don't dread going to social events because I have a reminder on my door to stop and visualize what I enjoyed at the last social event like it
  
• Every failure is now an honest learning experience because I know how to break it down (even better, it's constructive! I know what I can actually do better when pre-diagnosis me would just think I'll have to try harder next time)

I'm so glad you asked! There's actually a really affordable book called Modern Magick which I recommend to anyone starting out. In this book, Donald Michael Kraig gives clear and well-sourced information on the high magickal arts including a history of the tarot, a history of the Qabalah, magickal techniques, philosophy and much more. This book has been essential to my learning and understanding what magick really is. Within its pages you will also find many references to source material which you may find interesting as well! He encourages the reader to explore and form their own opinions based on scientific experimentation. The reader is also encouraged to take their time. I've had the book for a little over 2 years now and have only made it through the first 3 lessons..

I guess the main question for you would be, what are you interested in? There are so many books for so many veins of magick. You may be interested in black magick, spiritual growth, historical or philosophical curiosity, or perhaps you are interested to tip the scales ever so slightly in your favor. Whatever the case may be, there are many books with which you will find what you are looking for. I prefer the occult vein of magick myself.

Sheesh. Talk about bundling a large group of people off of one person's perspective of their local demographic.(coming from a state of many fortune 500 companies, who has a higher level education overall <MN> & we voted in majority for Bernie.) Get off your High Horses People. (Ironic) That includes fellow Millennials. Sheesh. I don't go calling all Trump supporter's RedNecks or Racists. Or Hillary supporters as "Woman only voters". My god people. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. And some ppl will look past negatives of their preffered candidates while the opponents will cling to them. Same goes for Bernie. But atleast the guy has a great track record with little to no hypocrisies. --- Don't play the "entitled & dumb/lazy Youth Card". When time and time again Bernie is actually drawing crowds upon crowds of Youth to his Rallies unlike Many other Candidates. pretty sure participating is the opposite of being lazy. Maybe you should go Teach your kids your ideals, instead of attacking the one guy who thinks it's wrong for a primary to be scheduled Inconveniently around a "party time" - I'd count that as mispeaking. Just like "There's a special place in Hell for women who don't support eachother", Please just grow up people & Focus on the Candidates. not just what their supporters say

Edit: mmk. Guess I have to explain the "unnecessary?" capitalization. "English uses capital letters to point out important words." By putting an emphasis on certain words in a paragraph it makes it easier for your eyes to pick out the said words.
This (in theory) makes it easier for someone to "Read between the lines" or glance over the Important subject matter in a paragraph. (Similar to how your brain can unscramble/comprehend fragmented words. "Hejdo my nyhe is Donald Trump, ahd I lyje to Pkay off yghr Xyho-Pyasdxs")
My reasoning is that if someone's brain can pick out the Emphasised words being emphasized, the important bits of context will most likely be picked up by a person not willing to read a long statement.

Tldr: Read "The Power of Habit", http://www.amazon.com/Blink-The-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316010669 . It goes over how your subconcious is a lot more powerful than you think. So subtle differences in something will make your brain pick up on them more-so than others. (So for example, let's say I was trying to talk about some ducks at a pond)
There was some Beautiful Ducks at the Pond Two Weeks ago. (Your Brain will pickup on the capitalized words, so if you're "speed reading/reading between the lines", the Rest of the context will theoretically Follow. - since you should already know, ducks plus pond, plus two weeks, means a sense of time with said objects. The rest in the middle is more or less Irrelevant. But you'll still know What I was Talking about.)

So meh. There's the explanation. Many languages and words, especially with how asian cultures write use many Written shortcuts.

It may not be the "write way" to write something. (For English* Standards) But it's a practice I've just grown accustomed to is all. [Cool thing about it though, there's certain author's you can easily point on based off their Writing styles, like Tolkien, or Brian Jacques.] (Sort of like accents or pronunciation, it's fairly irrelevant if someone can understand the context.)

Just to counter on Why lumping ppl together is bad. (Many Pro trump states here)
http://www.politicususa.com/2015/11/17/red-state-stupidity-confirmed-9-10-education-states-america-vote-republican.html


(MN typically scores the highest for act and etc scores, but anywhos. The top 10 below, have all voted favorably to Bernie. So if you want to Lump people together. I don't have to point out opinions, just demographic facts. - not to "scare" you.)
http://247wallst.com/special-report/2015/09/23/the-most-and-least-educated-states/3/


Other Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/11/13/actually-mr-trump-iowa-is-one-of-the-smartest-states-in-the-union/


Edit counter: graduated a year early, enrolled in college for a free semester or two, at end of first semester I re-read through all the Fine print, and figured out I was being lied to on actual tuition costs (after my "free" periods ended). - Didn't continue (that college has plenty of in process lawsuits at the moment), moved out at 17. Became a store manager at 19, did that for two years. Got hired by one the most highly valued (in assets) banks in the world, where I out perform everyone in Tenure. (I'm 23.) So. Meh. I'll take all your sticks and stones and build a few houses from it.

I really relate to that 'lost at sea' feeling (and I also think sports is 'rubbish,' generally). I think a great work-around to this is finding structured but doable meditation 'plans' that guide you through the process in a way that will bring benefits.

Many people seem to be doing this with success through the HeadSpace App, but if you want an offline guide, maybe you can try 'Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World.'

Eight weeks may sound like a while, but the amount of time each day isn't much and the payoffs start quickly when you stick to it. Eight weeks seems to be the rule of thumb for neuroscientists who are looking for the hard evidence of changes in the grey matter, but subjectively, people report benefits earlier. In other words, you can surely get something after eight weeks but will probably get there earlier, if you follow one of these guided plans.

Some people don't like plans, but a structure like that can really help alleviate the 'lost at sea' feeling and it helps put us in touch with the details little by little so we can remember it each lesson, instead of reading on our own and forgetting to re-read later on.

Not sure if you want books for daughter or you. I have two boys but picked up The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine to try to understand what pregnancy and motherhood was doing to my wife. It won't really help you be an awesome Dad. You don't need to read it cover to cover but it's pretty solid stuff and very illuminating. Spoiler: girls are different than boys.

https://www.amazon.com/Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767920104

On being a positive presence, a friend of mine who has raised two amazing daughters told me: raising your kids up right is simple. You just do it by example. Simple...but not easy!

Louis CK has this advice...warning, it's not a fun prediction:

https://youtu.be/RTrCBcrFMCI

If you are really anti-medication, then look into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). Both are counseling techniques that are clinically proven to be effective against depression. Regular exercise (ideally at least 30 minutes most days of the week) is also clinically proven to be effective for depression. You might find that to be enough and you may decide that you don't want medication. If not, you'll still have medications as an option.

There are various physical problems that can manifest as depression. You may want to talk to your doctor about those just to rule those out.

Here are a couple good books that explain the counseling techniques listed above.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0380810336?pc_redir=1411719113&robot_redir=1

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1609618955/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1411750842&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40

If one of those techniques appeals to you more than the other, be sure to ask the therapist you choose if that's part of their practice.

Keep in mind what you want when looking for a practitioner. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have taken some counseling classes. They are going to strongly prefer medication. Psychologists are completely different. They have a doctorate in psychology and are very good at talk therapy. They can't write prescriptions but can refer you for that if needed. Some work in a practice with a psychiatrist so this referral may be pretty simple. Social workers may not have as much formal education as a psychologist when it comes to talk therapy, but they tend to be cheaper and they also tend to have a lot of good practical experience. They're the best choice if you want practical advice from someone who has probably seen just about everything.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Plenty of atheists feel spiritual. Watch this TED talk by atheist author Jonathan Haidt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MYsx6WArKY (key point: the feelings are a part of human nature, and there are many ways to pursue and explore them, not all of them religious.)

I loved Haidt's book "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion" too -- as a caveat, I'm not completely sold on the 'group selection' theory of evolution that he sounded somewhat sympathetic to in the book, but he's not a die-hard about it like E.O.Wilson either, and in a few places he seemed to mis-characterize some points by Richard Dawkins, but overall Haidt is an original thinker who has a different perspective on several issues than some more prominent atheist writers, and certainly a sensitivity to the key imporance of spirituality in humans.

You might also consider Sam Harris's book "Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion" which is mostly a how-to manual about how you might achieve the meditation techniques that he likes. His understanding of the word "spirituality" seems to be more Buddhist (nurturing and exploring the self, alleviating suffering) rather than groupish collective-feeling as Haidt uses the term, but it too was an interesting perspective.

You had to ask... =)

They used to measure skulls to measure intelligence, and gauge behaviour. (Big skulls = smart, passive, kind; small skulls = dumb, violent, primitive). They also tried their best to show that Europeans had the biggest skulls. Of course, the data didn't always pan out, but bless their colonialist hearts, they kept on a'tryin. They also measured hands for ingenuity, feet for athleticism, etc. A paper like this would read: "Why do men have bigger feet? Because they had to go out of cave to hunt mammoths, while women evolved big mouths and butts because they sit around all day complaining."

Eventually they "scienced up" and had to actually show evidence linking morphology and their pet speculative theory. That is why anthropology today is very interested in how cultural beliefs and biases affect how we analyse the world - 'cause they were victims of it for so long.
...
edit: more if you're interested --
An introductory text to Evolutionary Psychology that the authors of the study apparently skipped.
Anthropology:
The Biological Basis of Human Behavior (compilation of essays)
Myths of Gender
Deviant Bodies (Compilation)

This is an amazing book for learning what can fit where. Remember that it is more for advanced gardeners so start small. Use it as a guide on long term plans.

This is a great guide to low-cost or free soil creation/amendment It also has a great guide to growing almost every veggie/herb. It works amazingly as a substitution for the very expensive recommended soil in This great guide to planting closer together to avoid weeds

Some ideas for reducing water usage:

Sub-Irrigation (there are a great many ways to do this, this is just one)

Hugelkultur Looks like shit but creates an amazing wood "sponge" under your gardens. After 2 years you pretty much don't need to water again (if done correctly). You also get a constant stream of nutrients from the wood breaking down. It is possible to "contain" hugelkultur beds to create more of a "I mean to do this!" order so people don't think you are just piling shit up everywhere.

I have two books I want to recommend. They aren't the best books aimed at your specific situation. But they are really good books that helped me immensely and they will probably help you as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397

This book isn't about PHP or programming at all. It's about everything you should know in order to be successful in your programming career. A big focus of the book is how to become better at learning so that's pretty much step 0.

http://learnyouahaskell.com/

This book is about learning an entirely different programming language that you're probably never going to use. The thing is this book made the single biggest impact on the way I think about programming out of anything I've ever done. The goal of reading this book is not to be able to switch from PHP to Haskell but to learn about functional programming and learn how these things could help you in your daily life. Also the book is incredibly entertaining and funny so even if you don't end up using any of the information in there (which would be hard for me to believe) it will be a very entertaining read.

There are a number of types of meditation- I started doing zazen while I was in college, and I've found it immensely useful. Especially for dealing with stress.

It's pretty simple- sit cross-legged (or in seiza, or half-lotus, or whatever; the specifics aren't important) facing the wall, with your back straight and your hands just touching in front of you (like this dude). You're going to find that it's not super-comfortable, but that's by design- keeping your back straight, and your hands barely touching (and not resting them in your lap), it'll help you from dozing off. It's easy to tell that you're losing focus because you'll start hunching over.

After that- just start counting your breaths. Don't try to breathe superslow or anything; just breathe normally. How high you count doesn't matter either; once you get to 8 or 10, start over.

When you start, you'll find your brain absolutely assaults you with random thoughts. It'll get better with practice- the important thing is not to beat yourself up when it happens. When a thought enters your head, just accept it, let go of it, and go back to counting.

The other important thing is regularity- you don't need to meditate for five hours, but if you want to see changes then you need to do it every day (or at least most days). When you're getting started, even five or ten minutes at a time can help.

One final thing- if you try it and hate it, don't worry. It's not for everyone! I took my girlfriend to the zendo once and it was a disaster. If you do get into it- be careful what you read; there's a lot of new-agey crap that people like to slap the word "zen" on because it's trendy. I found this book to contain a lot of practical advice.

Good luck!

I've been getting through a book that touches on how our "minds" or will can change the physical structure of the brain, and has some discussion of this on people with OCD. (Check out the book: The Mind and The Brain) In this book, the people with OCD describe their experience as feeling like there is a part of them outside of the compulsion that sees the whole thing as illogical or silly, much like you do. This part of you is the "mindful observer". Point is, this is something you can work with if it is bothering you, and you may need someone to help you.

Seek out professional help if you think you need it, and read up on CBT and mindfulness. Research on mindfulness meditation (and the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Class) and what I read in this book has convinced me that mindfulness work is worth a try and that people can make changes to their own behaviors. See article: MBSR alters grey matter EDIT: Here is a pdf of the actual research on MBSR: PDF

A good start are the books: Mindfulness in Plain English (free online!), and Peace is Every Step

I've taken the MBSR class myself and it has made a big difference in the way I deal with stress and the way I worry about things. Perhaps there is a class in your area? The above books reinforce a lot of what I learned in the class, and I find that when I keep up with mindfulness either formally or informally, it is a great help. The class is useful in that it helps you commit to activities that reduce stress and experience a variety of techniques (ex: sitting meditation, "body scanning", yoga, walking meditation, etc.)

Check out r/meditation or r/30daysit sometime, if you like. It is a little bit of work to learn it and keep a daily practice, I hope you find something that works for you! : )

People who have perfect pitch report that pitches are perceived similar to how colors are perceived. They just know it instantly. If you play a note, they know what note it is (although if they don't have any musical education then they wouldn't know it's named an F# or whatever). It's like if I showed you a piece of paper that was red. You would just know it was red, instantly. Even if you didn't know the color was named 'red', it would still look red to you. If I showed you a yellow piece of paper you would then know that that was a yellow paper, and that it is distinctly different from the red paper. People with perfect pitch see people struggling to name or guess what a note is the same as you or I would see someone who, when showed a red paper, couldn't guess that it was red, or tell that it is different than a yellow paper. It seems completely natural for us to just instantly perceive colors, and we could scarcely imagine a world where we couldn't tell them apart. That's how natural perfect pitch is for those who have it.

Oliver Sacks, neurologist and author, discusses in length this subject in his book Musicophilia. Another term for what people call "perfect pitch" is also known as "absolute pitch". People with absolute pitch seem to have connections in their brain that normal folks don't have. It could be that their there is genetic predisposition to developing absolute pitch. But if you think of what actually happens in the early years of human brain development there's another theory that makes more sense. When we are born, each of us has far more brain connections than we need. Part of development is a serious pruning of these connections. In fact, it's necessary for our survival to obtain a working useable brain. The method of early neuronal pruning seems to be a 'use it or lose it' sort of phenomenon. Where, as babies react to their environment and learn, they're brain figures out how to best adapt it's resources to getting what it wants. So in this sense, most or even all humans are born with the capacity for absolute pitch. The reason we don't all possess absolute pitch is because our brains decide we don't need the neuronal connections vital to the skill. It seems this lost connection is part of that pruning effect that is basically irreversible. One piece of compelling evidence for this is in the rates of absolute pitch in those who are raised learning a tonal language, such as Chinese. Starting music education at a very young age also affects absolute pitch rates. And how much the rates drop off as exposure to music education and tonal-language exposure starts at later ages.

Well, to that end, I highly recommend The Qabalistic Tarot by Robert Wang. It's dense and rigorous, but not at the expense of subtle insight. The author successfully cuts through New Age mumbo-jumbo and gets to the heart of what tarot is about.

The Hermetic Tarot deck appeals to me most. It's nearly overloaded with imagery, which allows me to get completely lost in the experience of a card. The ultimate goal is establishing unconscious intuition, of course, but a strong intellectual base can only help.

As for this comment:

>Unfortunately, I have yet to consciously connect to my higher self.

I think the whole concept of a "higher self" is a bit of a misnomer and potentially dangerous. The term keeps people searching for some threshold moment, a cut and dry experience of Enlightenment. Anyone who claims to have attained this state permanently is lying and probably selling you something. The truth is that you ARE your higher self just as you are.

I finished Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion by Sam Harris a few weeks ago and I highly recommend it. If you're not familiar, he's a vocal member of the "New Atheist" community and is extremely critical of religion/mysticism. But despite this, he has profound insight into the nature of consciousness and how mindfulness practice changes the mind. And of course, what is tarot if not a form of mindfulness meditation?

If that seems a little too atheistic for your taste, Thou Art That by Joseph Campbell is a fantastic introduction to mythological thinking, which is crucial to understanding tarot.

All and all, every aspect of your spiritual and intellectual life will enrich your experience of tarot, so explore liberally!

it is worth noting that I am not the person who made the root comment you originally replied to.

Other than that, yea, sometimes, I try to leave emotion out of my decision making as much as I can, I also try to engage with those in my life, at least over things like this, with as much calm and rationality as I can summon.

If you are curious about why that is I invite you to read Bill Irvine's Guide to the Good Life on Stoicism as it was originally intended, and how it can help lead a more joyful life, if you so desire. It also serves as a fantastic practical primer for starting to institute Stoic practices and attitudes into your own life today.

Breathing exercises work great.

They’re very simple and very effective. If you’re by a computer/phone you can save this link:

[calm breathing tool] (https://www.google.com/search?q=breathing+gif+anxiety&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS820US820&hl=en-US&prmd=isvn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjsrIH40afgAhVxm-AKHYkKANcQ_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&biw=414&bih=620#imgrc=K5GS00UJu5tG0M)

Sync your breath with the shape and try to stick with it for 3-5 minutes.

If you’re not around a computer you can focus on your breath. On the in-breath think to yourself, “breathing in, I know I’m breathing in” and on the out-breath try thinking “breathing out, I know I’m breathing out”. Stick with it for 3-5 minutes or as long as it takes for the feeling to pass.

The more you do it, the more it will become habit and you may find yourself going into the breathing pattern automatically when stressful situations arises. Let me know if you’d like more info or if I can help in any way. Best of luck.

Here’s a book if you’re interested: https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397

It's called "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD" by Russell A. Barkley, PhD, 2010. It was just something I found at my local library, but it's pretty good, actually. The format is very ADHD-friendly. It touches on all aspects of ADHD:

• getting tested.
  
• medication.
  
• understanding and changing your mindset (I guess CBT)
  
• life hacks.
  
• education and careers.
  
  And best of all, like any book, it's less distracting than an article on the internet because...no internet.
  
  If you're willing to spend money on a book, my aunt who's a special ed teacher recommended books by Kathleen Nadeau. Always look at reviews before purchasing.

Yes!


i'm mostly self taught, on and off for years - got burned out and decided to do a web development bootcamp (online). I worked really hard juggling it and a full time job with a crazy schedule. I got very lucky and landed a great job before I even finished the bootcamp.

Learning the skills is a challenge, but overall it's not all that bad, and if you do not want to keep learning for the rest of your life, then this is NOT the job for you.

Learn things and BUILD STUFF. Make some webapps. Come up with an idea, and make it. Set some small goals like "make an app with Vue.js" or something like that. The more you get some hands-on the faster you will make mistakes and the faster you will LEARN. Mistakes are essential to learning, do not be afraid of them - embrace them!

The real important part is just being competent and having the soft skills to work with people. My previous job I had to deal with a lot of things and I learned a lot - that came in very handy coming into this role for sure.

​

READ THIS:

https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397

It's a great overview into how to just deal with being a software engineer. Very high level and not technical at all, it will give you some insight.

Everyone experiences the things you are describing some of the time. However, it sounds like you experience all of these things a lot, and it also seems like these experiences are getting in your way at times. When your everyday experiences are interfering with your day-to-day life, it is a great idea to see a specialist. You can start with your regular doctor, or you can go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If neuropsychological testing is indicated, your doctor or psychologist will refer you if needed.

It's not a good idea to speculate about diagnosis via the internet. But it is perhaps worth mentioning that you spontaneously self-described many of the symptoms of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It may make sense to bring up this possibility with your doctor or psychologist.

If you are looking for more information, you might try:

• Children and Adults with ADHD, or CHADD
  
• Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley
  
• More Attention, Less Deficit by Ari Tuckman
  
  Good luck! If you need more books or websites, let me know and I'll do my best to direct you to good resources.

We had a wonderful, cooperative 3 year old until about a month ago and then suddenly he stopped listening to anything we said. He started refusing to get in his car seat, or get dressed for dinner, or anything. We started yelling more and feeling horrible about it but we were at our wits end.

A friend of mine recommended this book https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/150113163X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I'm about halfway through it and it's honestly amazing. It's been a huge help. It's basically a book of tactics that I can try out to see what works.

I see that there are many great answers below so I won't repeat them. I will however suggest a great beginner book, Modern Magick by Donald Michael Kraig that will answer a lot of your questions and give you some good material to start out with. It covers a lot of the basic material and explains a lot of the jargon and terms you might not know if you start off with something more advanced like Crowley. You can also browse /r/occult, it seems to be more active than /r/magick, and there's a good bit of info on the sidebar there.

He had a very deep understanding of reality, yet still quite an alcoholic unless I'm mistaken. I always preferred my gurus sober, but maybe that's just me. :)

edit: I always found Philip Kapleau's Three Pillars of Zen to be the best book for meditation newbies - it's pretty awesome.

another edit: more on alan watt and alcohol

In most spiritual traditions, sensations in your third eye are considered a sign of progress.


In Hinduism, it could mean that you are opening your ajna chakra, and you should continue what you're doing. Or, it could mean that there as a blockage there or you're progressing to fast, and you should take a break from your practice until it goes away.


I've experienced sensations in all of the traditional chakras at one time or another, so I'd say there is something to chakras. But, I belong to the Theravada Buddhism tradition.


In Theravada and Zen Buddhism, it would be interpreted as a part of your self trying to distract you from your practice, so you should continue what you're doing and not let it distract you.


If you're interested in attaining samadhi via the Hindu traditions, I'd recommend reading Raja-Yoga by Swami Vivekananda.


If you're interested in attaining enlightenment (or satori) via Zen Buddhism, The Three Pillars of Zen by Philip Kapleau is an excellent book.


If you're interested in attaining enlightenment via Theravada Buddhism, What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula is excellent and freely available.

I fell asleep before I could reply.

Here's the book. The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology. There are probably better ones on the subject. This one is quite old. My favorite book of all time is The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. I re-read it in its original Spanish every few years to keep Spanish skills sharp. I bought a copy used from amazon and it came signed! How cool is that? I'm usually a scifi reader and House of the Spirits is really geared more towards female readers, I think, but I just love it. What are some of your favorite reads?

My buddy just got a job for google as a sales engineer. He's working on selling an AI product to train yards to augment and/or replace the visual inspection they have to do on the trains every so often. They'll have hi-res cameras pointed at the train that will be able to recognize things like stress fractures in hitches and such. I think within the next decade, intelligent machines will become increasingly ubiquitous. And in the wrong hands we'll likely see some darker uses of the technology. It will be interesting to witness!

Anyway, you mentioned you're traveling this summer. Where are you going?

Does he know how much you struggle with those tasks? He could give you a hand sharing his way of dealing with them. Even on meds, I had a hard time dealing with some bureaucratic matters and I couldn't have done it without my wife, who did not have ADHD. All it took was her pointing me on the right direction.

In general, what I realized works best for me is writing down less than five daily to-dos on a piece of paper that you keep in front of you. Be humble and don't aim high at first, start with three things like cleaning one bathroom (even just buy the cleaning supplies) or replace a lightbulb. As you complete them, mark the to-dos as completed. Not just a tick, cross-out that motherfucker, you owned it!! You'll get addicted to the satisfaction of getting things done. I keep my lists on a notebook and, whenever I run low on confidence or self-esteem, I flip back and there they are, tasks after tasks crossed out, some of them several times. It's a great morale boost.

Taking charge of adult ADHD is full with little tricks to help dealing with house chores as well as being in a relationship. The book itself is written in a very ADHD-friendly manner, with short chapters and multiple summary boxes.

Shambhala Sun is a Buddhist magazine and they frequently have letters from prisoners saying how much there articles have helped them deal with and see there incarceration in a new light.

I found it was easier to digest then an entire book when I was first exposed to Buddhist teachings.

Also they give "mercy subscriptions" to people in jail that cant pay.

http://www.shambhalasun.com/

But yeah, Thich Nhat Hanh is good stuff.
This book: http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step-Mindfulness-Everyday/dp/0553351397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239318446&sr=8-1
helped me learn to be mindful and consequently thankful for the things I do have. In jail I could imagine that would help if you could make a meal a great joy. </hippy>

Oh man, I could recommend so many.

Kung Fu and Taoism:

The Making of a Butterfly is one of my favorite books. It is about a white kid who starts learning Kung Fu out of a Chinese master's basement back in the 70s, well before Kung Fu was popularized in the West.

Chronicles of Tao by Deng Ming Dao is excellent, a narrative perspective of how Taoism intertwines with the life of a Kung Fu practitioner.

American Shaolin by Matthew Polly is an entertaining and illuminating story that disseminates a lot of the mysticism surrounding the Shaolin Temple.

The Crocodile and the Crane is a fun fictional book that is basically about Tai Chi saving the world from a zombie apocalypse.

My next goal is to tackle The Romance of the Three Kingdoms.

Of course, I highly recommend the Tao Te Ching and the Art of War as well.

Buddhism: I highly recommend anything Thich Nhat Hanh. Anger and Peace is Every Step are two of my favorites.

Karate and Japanese Arts:

Moving Toward Stillness by Dave Lowry is one of my favorite books, taken from his columns in Black Belt Magazine over the years. A really excellent study on Japanese arts and philosophy.

Miyamoto Musashi: His Life and Writings by Kenji Tokitsu is wonderful. It includes the Book of Five Rings as well as some of Musashi's other works, including many of his paintings.

The 47 Ronin, by John Allyn, a dramatization of the Genroku Ako Incident, is still quite poignant in 2016.

I definitely think CBT with a therapist is something you should pursue. Before I had even made the connection that I might have adult ADHD, I started seeing someone who specialised in meditative therapies, his background being in Buddhism. I was a bit hesitant at first because, well, it sounded a bit hokey to me but it was actually very helpful. Something he said that is the perfect description for our condition (at least for me) is that "your mind is like a stallion running wild. We want to tame it--not break it--so you can take control of it". For whatever reason, that outlook helped a lot. Unfortunately, I had to stop seeing him because my insurance ran out but I would go back in a second.

Fast forward about a month and I have been formally diagnosed and am getting on medicine (its a clinical trial, 3rd phase--so we will see what happens) and until I get back on insurance I plan to use a couple books I found via a video that was actually posted by u/roland00 on another thread. (BTW that video was a lecture by Russell Barkley and was immensely helpful, so thank you very, very much u/roland00) Anyway there are a bunch out there but I went with this one and this one. Check the "customers also bought" section for others. Good luck on your journey!

Many, many things actually. I like the following books. They contain tons of helpful information and techniques without fluff:

• Coping with BPD: DBT and CBT Skills to Soothe the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder - Nice little simple and concise guide on how to handle almost anything. It's especially helpful to reference when you're feeling overwhelmed, which is what I mainly use it for.
  
  
• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - The basics of DBT. Has exercises to do on your own.
  
  
  
• The Feeling Good Handbook - Basics of CBT. Also contains exercises to do on your own.
  
  
• Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World - DBT doesn't do mindfulness justice imo, especially considering it's "the core of DBT." This book helped me to actually understand it, its value, and how to incorporate it into my life.
  
  edit:typo

Perhaps one way to go is to keep that long term goal in mind, have some grit (you might like the book - grit ) and to start with, make your posts a mix of your own content, reposts and perhaps a quote? What niche are you in? The other thing is - what hashtags are you using? I'd suggest going with smaller, long tail hashtags eg if you were selling athleticwear, it could be #athleticwear(insertyourcity/country/something else appropriate here) as against #fashion.
Give yourself some time, and now could be good to work out who is in your tribe - who is your follower, who are the people who will champion you, who you look up to and can reach out to, and what you can do to reach those people.

Now is a great time to work out what your own personal hashtag might be, and to start using that too.I started an IG account about a year ago, and whilst others might be all - that's a *tiny* amount of followers (around 1000) - it's exactly the niche that I want (chefs and ceramicists), so I'm happy, and going to continue.


I hope that helps.

Hi! It sounds like you’re going through a lot and I’m really sorry to hear that this is happening around you. First, you sound like you are very aware. That’s a really important quality to have both now and in the future to overcome stuff like this.

Preface: I am a young woman, not a father sorry if that’s against the rules here

As for the question you asked, I would perhaps approach the conversation with your dad with a little disclaimer. “Dad, I would like to talk to you about something but I’m concerned that if I do, the structure of my life is going to change and I don’t feel like that would be beneficial for me.”

If you don’t think that that would be helpful or that he may just upend you anyhow, you can also approach it with “Dad, I have a lot on my mind that I think I need to talk about but I think it would be best if I talked it out with a therapist.”

My mom was a lot like yours. She has borderline personality disorder. I grew up feeling very similar things to what you’ve described and the two things that helped me most were therapy and the book Surviving a Borderline Parent . If you aren’t comfortable with having those conversations, there is still a lot of healing that you can do for yourself, without having to engage any of the chaos around you and perhaps making it worse. I would just suggest if you get that book to try to hide it. I don’t think your mom would take too kindly to finding it, and if she did it might make things worse for you which is the last thing I want.

Good luck and don’t forget that although SHEs dysfunctional, that doesn’t mean that you have to let all of that in. Let her be crazy on her own time, you are your own person who can chose to not engage.

Women bond by gossiping/sharing of information. It's wired into them. I read a book about all this once called "the female brain". Quite interesting.

Guys on the other hand bond via experiences such as playing sports, or working on the same job together, and pretty much anything that qualifies as an experience or an adventure.

This is why men can feel as fulfilled playing a game of football and pretty much no talking as women do with like an entire day of talking about each other's lives/feelings/issues etc.

I recently fell into the Occult world as well. A was given a deck of tarot cards. It was the Rider-Waite deck. I started reading about it and a spark lit. Now I am consuming everything I can get my hands on.

I like MindandMagick as well. Also, I found this video on the Hermetic Principles very helpful and well explained.

As for reading, I have started reading the Liber Null by Peter Carroll and Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine. Recommend both if you're interested in Chaos Magick.

Some of the seminal works on Wicca are Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. by Scott Cunningham and Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft by Raymond Buckland.

Good luck on your journey. Personally, I am starting small by working on my meditation, mindfulness and single-pointed thought. Also, studying the tarot a few cards at a time.

https://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Solitary-Practitioner-Scott-Cunningham/dp/0875421180/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1542770876&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=wicca&dpPl=1&dpID=51j%2BwKpACML&ref=plSrch

This book has been my bible! I love the freedom it gives me and there’s just so much love in here. I was doing most of these things before I even knew people had been doing them for a long time lol. It opened the door to a lot for me:) also look on Meetup.com. I found a spell discussion at an apothecary. Was truly amazing.

The best book I've read on the subject urban survival is How to Survive the End of the World as We Know It.

For wilderness survival go for The SAS Survival Handbook.

As for growing crops, first aid, things like that, I find its best to learn those skills from a non-survival oriented book. You can apply the skills you learn in them to your personal situation (geographical location, financial restraints, likely local disasters, etc).

That being said, the best books on growing food and livestock are The Encyclopedia of Country Living and The Backyard Homestead.

Finally, while it's technically not a book, The Survival Podcast has a priceless wealth of informational podcasts on different subjects pertaining to modern survivalism.

Stopping PMO isn't a magical panacea, but it is one vital component of a broader project of mental well-being.

If you haven't done so already, start a daily meditation regimen and see how that works for you. It's not magic either, but it has helped me, and many others report positive results.

If you're interested and unfamiliar with this territory, Sam Harris has some nice guided meditation audio here: http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/mindfulness-meditation

I also recommend Sam Harris' new book Waking Up.

No problem! It took me a while (years, actually) to realize and to come to terms with the fact that I have ADHD. I've just started down the same road (diagnosis a month or so ago) and am still figuring things out, so I know how rough it is. Finally getting my diagnosis was a tremendous relief, and hopefully will be for you too. It's really empowering, to be honest, knowing this sort of thing about yourself, because you can finally start to deal with it in a healthy, effective way. If you've got time, you should watch these videos by Dr. Russel Barkley, one of the foremost ADHD researchers (and a very nice guy, I might add). He has also written some books that elaborate further into the disorder, covering treatment options, how to mitigate your ADHD symptoms in various aspects of life, and other coping mechanisms This one in particular should be helpful (I'm reading it now and am enjoying it very much): Taking Charge of Adult ADHD.

Me too and good luck to you all! Already grumpy lol. Anyway, for anybody reading this there's a book called Switch that might be relevant and helpful. It was assigned for one of my classes this semester so essentially I've only skimmed the first chapter and that's it, but essentially a big take away I got from that is that all day we use our willpower to stop us from doing things we want but know we shouldn't. Your willpower is a finite resource that if you deplete too far, won't work anymore.

So remember, all this talk of sobriety is good, but too much change can overwhelm your system far more than it can handle and may cause you to relapse back to old habits. Quitting every vice you have cold turkey is probably just not going to work even if you did come up with a bunch of healthy habits to replace them with. So remember not to be too hard on yourselves, we're all only human after all. And again, good luck everybody!

Actually this is just how the female brain works. Not because she is a princess. Obviously some people are different, but this is pretty typical. This is a good read and pretty short. Also I think it's important to consider that she never said there's not the occasional BJ even when she's not in the mood, she was just saying that's what it takes for her to get actually turned on.

Not that I'm saying you should change your mind about the hookers, I'm sure your money is very helpful for them.

This is what I started with. It gave me a nice base to develop from.


Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner : https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0875421180/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl_nodl?ie=UTF8&tag=wiccaliving08-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0875421180&linkId=86753d633c25959ecf4da6d42d6aa919

If your just looking for basic descriptions of the philosophies and rituals, a few good google searches would be suggested as well before you spend money on books.

Best of luck and feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions.

Musical experience is the sum experience of many different parts of the brain cooperating. Essentially, the sonic characteristics of music activate many different parts of the brain that are involved in rhythm, pitch resolution, as well as speech, pleasure, emotion, motivation, etc., so it's a holistic effect of many parts of your brain.

However, one of the key areas activated is the amygdala, an area that is deeply involved with a lot of "lizard brain" stuff, like emotional reactions and memory. The chills you get from music (when your "hackles rise") originate from there (as well as a number of other related brain systems).

If you're interested in this topic, you may want to read the book Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks, a neurologist. Interesting stuff.

For a more in-depth, technical look at it, read the Wikipedia article on the cognitive neuroscience of music.

While evolutionary psychology is considered a "new" subfield of psychology, it has its origins in Charles Darwin's The Origin of Species. Darwin argues that, in the future, psychology will be based on a foundation which is, "of the necessary acquirement of each mental power and capacity by gradation." An excellent foundation for evolutionary psychology begins in The Origin of Species.

Regarding newer works, I would recommend Robert Wright's The Moral Animal: Why We Are the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology. This is an excellent encapsulation of how evolutionary psychologists primarily interpret moral behavior in both humans and non-human animals alike.

I would also check out Jerome Barkhow's incredible work The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture. I recommend this book if you're looking to understand why human intelligence is fundamentally distinct from other species, and how evolutionary forces shaped human culture.

Happy reading!

Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman is an excellent book with a scientific foundation. Both authors are accomplished psychologists that have used Mindfulness-Base Cognitive Therapy with success.

They specifically approach it with a scientific eye and reference studies throughout the book to back up the theory.

It's really a great book and sounds like it's exactly what you're looking for. As someone who also dislikes the "hippy dippy" stuff, I highly recommend it.

Amazon

I agree with your mindset but I guess it all comes down to self-awareness. Everything is relative really. In my shoes though, I believe one needs passion + perseverance in order to succeed. (Also, I'm not sure if you have had any programming experience but assuming you haven't sat down for at least 10 hours and practiced, you'll find out why you need a bit of passion if you try, lol :P) Check out the book Grit for more info on this subject - https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108

I am waiting on my gender scan to decide which book to buy, but there's an author named Louann Brizendine who wrote a book on the female brain and one on the male brain. You mentioned knowing how boys' minds work, so maybe reading her book on the female brain will help put you at ease.

Here is the link. Good luck, you'll do just fine!

I know I keep popping up with links and not questions, but here's another one: read 'The Moral Animal' by Robert Wright. http://www.amazon.com/Moral-Animal-Science-Evolutionary-Psychology/dp/0679763996

It's a very good introduction to the concept of evolutionary psychology and the instinctual underpinnings of human nature. Natural selection has made us 'good' to each other. Family ties and altruistic reciprocity are damned fit means for survival and getting your genes into the next generation. Kind of clinical, I know, but it does explain why it's good to be good without the need for a supernatural supposition.

Also, check out John Stuart Mills' 'Utilitarianism' for a more philosophy based argument for secular morality.

Been looking into this kind of thing lately myself and talking to a few people about a bunch of stuff and one of the things they're talking about that really stuck out to me was the impact that "grit" had on success. Call it whatever you want; perseverence, resilience, grit, or whatever. Lots of scientific studies going on about it.

http://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450765581&sr=1-1&keywords=grit

You need to combine that with taking good care of yourself though. Sleep well, drink lots of water, eat well, exercise, lift some weights. That helps give you the energy and stamina to keep going.

Do's:

• Get into ceremonial technique, if you haven't already.
  
  
• Consider working with something "easier" first; /u/raisondecalcul recommended Seven Spheres, and I'd recommend Ashan Chassan's Gateways Through Stone and Circle as well. Even if you don't work with them, at least consider reading them, as the do provide some insight into this sort of working.
  
  
• Give some serious thought as to why you want to do this. Write it down, revisit and revise, and argue with yourself while prepping. Know what it is you're trying to find or do.
  
  Do not's:
  
  
• Don't undertake a Goetic operation on a whim. Prepare for it according to the text.
  
  
• Don't take any of the text for granted; don't skip straight to the "fun stuff." Read the whole damned thing, do the prep work, use the recommended materials. It's an initiatory text.
  
  
• Don't break the rules until you've done several operations according to the rules with success.
  
  
• Don't worry about being a satanist. If you wish to find out what is needed, read the book. For starters, it is intended to leverage one's relationship with divinity. Jewish mythology and mysticism figure heavily into this, and you probably won't find yourself talking to the Christian notion of Satan in order to establish a relationship with whatever is evoked.

Some book recommendations:

• Clean Code
  
• Code Complete
  
• The Pragmatic Programmer
  
  Others that are great and related but not as "necessary" as the above three:
  
  
• Refactoring
  
• Design Patterns
  
• Head First Design Patterns
  
• Working Effectively With Legacy Code
  
• Beyond Legacy Code
  
  Unrelated to "better code" but still great:
  
  
• The Mythical Man-Month
  
• Soft Skills

Didn't mean to come across as hostile. And I still say you can't get all of your food from 1/4 acre. People typically cite the Dervaes Family but fail to realize that they use massive inputs for their systems and still don't get all of their food from their gardens. The best example that I've seen that has actually been self sufficient food wise and published info on it is Marjory Wildcraft of growyourowngroceries.org. She said in on interview you needed at least five acres. Paul Wheaton also did an interview with a couple that had been doing intensive gardening in their 1/5 acre urban plot for the past 7 years and they were only able to get about 50% of one person's diet. They stated that it would require several acres per person to really be self sufficient food wise.

So, are you talking about this book? That book is entirely unrealistic and I seriously doubt that anyone following that model would be successful. I would love to see someone who has actually done it but all the real world examples I have seen point to the fact that you need far more land than 1/4 to make this work.

Plateauing is a thing. It comes from reaching the peak available with your current training environment and personal approach. You can break through without changing anything, but typically you need to change something unless you are patient (as in, like pyramids and sequoias).

Changing things is really called for, and if you're not going to change your gym that means change yourself. Consider breaking your training model--don't permit yourself to use your game, video your performance, start working with flashcards, ask your partners to do only positional sparring (my favorite), roll at 80% speed with white belts...do something different. These are just random suggestions; my last breakthrough came after a lot of time off (surgery) and a lot of thinking about my approach.

For a book on performance, consider Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson. It's very readable and entertaining, and might give you perspective on how to approach your own training. Good luck.

Edit Formatting.

Hey, I’m not sure if you're a guy/girl, I just wanted to tell you that I understand. I have experienced what you’re going though, and I continue to experience some of those elements even today. A combination of age + unemployment + social isolation can cause havoc in a person’s psyche, and his/her general outlook on life.

Just 2 things I initially did when I was in a similar situation:

1. Exercise (running, in particular)
   
2. Reading.
   
   Exercise: Join a gym. If you can’t afford one, run. And when you do, try to go a little beyond that point where your body says no. Just a little. You’re in control; you’re in charge. Push. You were built for it.
   
   Read: I can’t stress the importance of this. Read everything you can. It will keep you engaged, make you more articulate, you’ll have something to start a conversation about, and it’ll broaden your knowledge. All this apart from the gazillion other benefits reading brings. I will give you a list of 3 books to read, and read them in this order. Make it a point not to rush through them. Absorb every word, because the way you look at things will change after you’re done. To remind you again, read slowly. Have an open mind. Fully absorb every little detail.
   
   1.The Power of Now http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377020642&sr=8-1&keywords=power+of+now
   
   
3. A New Earth http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1377020650&sr=8-3&keywords=power+of+now
   
   
4. Switch http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377020663&sr=8-1&keywords=switch
   
   
   If you decide to go through with the above, read below first:
   
   The most important way thorough this period in your life: baby steps. ULTRA SMALL STEPS. When I started running, I couldn’t even do 200m without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today, I can run 5km within 30 minutes. I set small targets for myself; extended my run by 50 meters, or bettered my timing by 10 seconds every session. And without even realising it, I’m at a point where I can comfortably run very long distances. I approached reading the same way. I started off with 2 pages a day, and then I made it 5 pages; then 10. Before I knew it, I was going through a lot of books.
   
   Let me know how it goes. I believe that change comes about from within, only when you really, truly, deeply want it. If nothing changes, it means that something about your circumstances is ‘comfortable’, and you didn’t fully want a change in the first place. Ask yourself how badly you want to get out of the situation that you’re currently in. After some honest self-reflection, come back to this. Trying to make a turn for the better in your life through reading and exercising might sound ridiculous to you, but like I said, small steps. Set yourself goals, and after you’ve completed them, you can move on to the next stage. Good luck! Let me know how things go, don’t hesitate to PM :)

It sounds like you are wanting some usable ritual work. Some books that do a good job of easing you into ceremonial magic are:

• Modern Magick - A good primer, from beginner to more advanced work.
  
• By Names and Images - Covers the basics, but get more advanced more quickly. Gets into Skrying more quickly.
  
  And to lesser extents
  
  
• Middle Pillar - Covers the basics of Qabalistic philosophy
  
• Garden of Pomegranates - Gets a little more advanced into Qabalistic Philosophy with some good Skrying "how to" as well, such as testing entities, visuals, etc.
  

>I KNOW that this is a marathon and not a sprint.
I KNOW it doesn't fucking matter how long I'm a blue belt.
I KNOW that being in BJJ means you will constantly see people surpass you and its just part of the experience, and its part of what builds character.
I KNOW all of that stuff, but my emotions don't give a shit.

You know it, but you haven't internalized it emotionally. All the knowledge in the world won't help you here. All you can do is sit with the feelings, observe them, and allow them to pass. Thinking about it only serves to magnify it.

Our thoughts are very useful in so many areas of our lives, except when they are not. Imagine you've been shot, but before you'll let the surgeon remove the bullet, you first want to know everything about the type of bullet that is logged in you, you hope that by thinking and acquiring more knowledge about your predicament you will be saved, when really you need to get the fuck out of the way and let go.

We often fundamentally misunderstand how to deal with matters of the ego, because we fundamentally misunderstand ourselves. The feeling that there is a man inside your head, a self observing from behind your eyes is an illusion, and the less time we spend thinking about it and indulging in that illusion, the better off our mental health will be.

Read this book its fucking awesome
http://smile.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-Religion/dp/1451636016?sa-no-redirect=1

Sam Harris, in 'Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion:'

>...it is important to distinguish between accepting unpleasant sensations and emotions as a strategy— while covertly hoping that they will go away— and truly accepting them as transitory appearances in consciousness. Only the latter gesture opens the door to wisdom and lasting change. The paradox is that we can become wiser and more compassionate and live more fulfilling lives by refusing to be who we have tended to be in the past. But we must also relax, accepting things as they are in the present, as we strive to change ourselves.

It’s not just a talk through method, it’s trying to understand where the child is coming from and setting up the child for success in terms of behavior. It’s helpful to understand child development and psychology. Talking through and not using physical punishment does not equate to not setting up firm boundaries and guidelines for your child to encourage good behavior. Here are some helpful books and resources:

https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X

http://www.janetlansbury.com/

Im just starting too. I went to The labyrinth in Dallas and they pointed me in the direction of these books. So far they are really helping me progress. I converted from Atheism recently. I have always been into mind expansion of every kind, and religion was never a cup of tea. The values of Wicca are quite amazing. Treating nature as sacred instead of taking it for granted rings true to me.


Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner (Scott Cunningham)

I'm not at all trying to be a dick here but those are exactly the feelings that lead me to get an ADHD diagnosis. Not caring almost feels good until said problem bites you in the arse.

If life is going well and you are happy then don't worry. If the tendencies you described are messing things up then maybe go get a test. My life is so much better now.

Edit:

Shoutout to /r/adhd!

Also, video dude wrote a book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386

Edit 2:

Here is an informative and adorable video for anyone unsure if they have ADHD. It's great. Go watch it.
https://youtu.be/cx13a2-unjE

Definitely not reveling in others' misfortune. More like becoming more empathetic to others' struggles and realizing that suffering is universal, and most importantly, realizing that it doesn't have to break you. I am not religious, but Buddhism has some really great things to say on this topic. Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh was really helpful to me, along with a few other Buddhist books. How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard has a lot of great tools and practical advice. I read it with someone else in mind but found it invaluable for myself.

I'm learning the very basics of DBT at the moment. It's very useful! Actually,

Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip Heath
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0385528752

Is a pretty good look at DBT applied to professional and business and gov't situations. I actually learned enough about DBT reading it to leap ahead of my therapist a bit. I immediately knew when she was introducing 'finding bright spots', and that was cool, because we could jump into implementing it instead of guiding to accepting it. I knew they worked because of my reading, it just took a little guidance to find some in my own life.

First off I would look at what companies in particular you want. You could even start networking if they have an online presence, but at the very least you could find out what is booming in Iowa or KC based on the actual job market. Learning a language for the sole purpose of learning the language is kind of a waste of time, since it seems like you already have years of web dev experience in one form or another and aside from basic familiarity with an IDE and source control I doubt there's much difference to an employer who wants to know if you're a good fit with the people and team(s) you'll be working on.

Specializing is always good, but this is something that you can write your resume to reflect. Remember it's not a meritocracy. Companies don't hire best candidates, they hire best impressions. Becoming a "Master" in any language in the span of 7 months without actually working on a project team is basically impossible. But you could learn the fundamentals of a few, take a few Udacity courses for instance...

This and more is covered in a really good book by John Sonmez called Soft Skills http://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397

Is there some other field that you are more passionate about? For everything in life, it doesn't really matter how much natural born talent you have with something, but how much work you put into learning it. Yes you'll never be as good as the person with natural abilities, but they also didn't get there without a lot of hard work.

I recommend reading http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1501111108/

Hey Doctor B86 thanks for reading! Will check out the book :) The idea of leaving social media is to out yourself in an uncomfortable position - to see how much you can tolerate the "pain" of going without something that is of convenience. I define grit as one's ability to endure these pains. After all, anyone who is successful at anything as you say requires that perseverance, and perseverance goes hand in hand with going out of your comfort zone.

Edit: NON-AFFILIATE LINK TO THE BOOK

Great quote

Grit

When I interview candidates, it's of the utmost importance. The best employees I've hired are never the most talented. Give me a coach-able employee with persistence and good things will happen. I actually have them rank persistence, talent and knowledge then tell me why they put them in that particular order. How they answer that question is usually the deciding factor between candidates.

Thank you for sharing your story, you never know it may help someone else get out of a similarly terrible situation a little earlier. My mom is also BPD and very religious, I cut all contact with her when I was 26, and I have considered myself an atheist for many years since getting away from her toxic influence. It will take time to rediscover yourself, there’s a lot of damage to sort through. A couple things that helped me, were the out of the fog forum ( https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php )specifically the forum for children of parents with personality disorders. Also, the book surviving the borderline parent. (https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_ ). Lastly, the support and validation I received at the forum and from my sister saved my sanity. I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of gaslighting, and that, and least for me has done some of the most lasting damage, not trusting myself or my own thoughts/memories. I’m thinking of you and hope that you can have a life that is yours now, and not controlled by your mother’s mental illness. You know yourself better than she does. Have faith in yourself and your power. You are a good person who deserves to be truly loved unconditionally. ❤️

It sucks sometimes but it's the lot we have and we can make the best of it. It's just harder but we can set ourselves up for success. I highly recommend this book as a start.

Yeah actually, most of the dancing I've done has been at weddings. It's a lot easier to just "let go" when you're half drunk on red plus it's easier when you know the songs already and the rhythm and can anticipate the vocals and musical shifts, etc. Although besides that and dancing alone in my living room sometimes I don't really seek it as recreational activity.

ETA: If anyone gets the chance I would recommend Oliver Sacks' book Musicophilia where he discusses the neurology of music as well as disorders of the brain and how they affect musicality; mainly it's a collection of case studies with some being quite profound and rather odd. He also discusses how music is something of a neurologically unique phenomenon in how many of the different parts of the brain are recruited to process and enjoy it - including the motor cortex. There is an aspect of musicality that is culturally transcendent, that it moves, animates, transports, even if only minimally physically. Good book, Sacks was a good guy.

True, though multi-factored Bayesian analysis is a thought experiment, and remember the point isn't the probabilities the point is to force your mind to consider factors, look how they combine empirically, and then come to decisions or conclusions.

Remember you chuck the end numbers out and go with your gut after you have forced yourself to think through all of the factors, instead of just taking the solutions you've seen.

Most of the predictions I've seen seem more based on the concepts in Blink where wisdom/expertise is comes from the patter matching Harry decries. Hell arguably I do a fair bit of it based on my meta interpretations.

On the up and down side many people express their odds in high percentages. That makes sense, other than the crack/tinfoils people aren't going to make predictions that don't have high probabilities based on inductive or deductive reasoning, but it's also a fair way to express certainty.

Also, minds don't deal with numbers well. Some people can be trained to do good mental arithmetic, or to be proficient judging an angel within a few degrees, so the difference between 14 and 17 percent being about one in six or one in seven is likely to be missed and things will stay often in approximate terms of numbers easy to conceptualize: ie under six.

That said most of my predictions are based on assumption that I see solution x among n plausible solutions with a approximate percentage of roughly 1/(n+k) or so, where the evidence is about equal and k is generally a fudge less than one. I have a hunch, usually based on Harry's hated pattern matching, that he also lauds as "asking how long it took last time. . . that's called taking the outside view." and I use it to promote a possibility and what I think the solution space is narrowed down to based on the evidence.

Often I throw up here things that come from looking for solutions instead of looking at the problem, with the intent of seeing if constructive /destructive criticism, occurs and I generally try to do the same, because good group discussion, vice groupthink can be very productive (in business this is often called and integrated product team or the like)

Maybe I should take HPMOR more seriously, but I'm in this for the fun and haven't taken the time for all of the series yet.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1400033535/ref=mp_s_a_6?pi=SL75&qid=1347572917&sr=8-6
Really good book on neuroscience. A very easy and interesting read. I would recommend it for any music lover too.

Hi I was in your shoes.ok, here is what I think. First and foremost. You need to deeply understand that a child is not a young adult. They think fundamentally different from you. Don't expect them to be rational. They will get upset because carrots touched peas. It's not rational. Stop expecting them to be rational. Once you a accept that they are irrational you will feel better.

Second, realize that they don't have the see emotional control that adults have. They aren't going to develop it after a certain year.nor are they going to learn it by observation alone. It is a skill that has to be explicitely taught. I mean develop an actually well informed plan that will teach them how to regulate their emptions then implement it using pretend play. Use his stuffed animals to simulate what is appropriate. You have to teach them these skills. The biggest mistake you can make is that he will just magically know. Has to be taught. After teaching him, practice over and over.

Third, stop saying calm down. Stupidest thing an adult could say to an upset child. That's like saying to a teenager, hey do algebra when they haven't been taught or given experience practising how to do algebra. Stop saying calm down.

Four, realize that kids and married life is not driven by tour desire for efficiency. Family life is often inefficient. Acept that things are inefficient and that your kid will want to do things in a slow way. Let him do it slow.

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
Don't delaym buy it right now. Don't make excuses. Stop pretending you will get it later. But it right now. It gives very specific parenting techniques that you can start using immediately. Seriously, buy it now.

Lastly, you will have to change your attitude in desiring freedom.so many men think the point of life is to pursue happiness and that is done thru freedom. Major lie. Life is about being respnsibikity and pursuing meaning. What brings meaning? Personal development, family, confronting your own problems and learning to deal with them. Stop pursuing happiness. Be the man your child deserves. Reject passivity.
Good luck

There's a lot of good general coding advice on here so I'll keep my post relevant to life stuff. I came into web development after being an undiagnosed bipolar alcoholic for several years. Originally, I wanted to become a web designer but I quickly grew fascinated by the back-end development of a site and my skill set grew quickly.

One of the hardest challenges you will face is when this stuff is no longer new and exciting. You will have moments when it's hard to push yourself to code but like running, you have to push past the wall. A good book is Softskills for Software Developers https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397 you should check it out.

I have to actively practice just being myself and hoping that it's good enough, because any effort to pose in any way (facially or bodily) for the sake of a picture is just gonna make it worse. But if I can get my default to naturally be pleasant, that works out both for the pictures and for my normal demeanor away from a camera.

A couple of recent quotes I ran across about smiling that I really like, from Thich Nhat Hanh's book Peace Is Every Step:

> "Wearing a smile on your face is a sign that you are master of yourself."

> "How can our smile be the source of joy and not just a diplomatic maneuver? When we smile to ourselves, that smile is not diplomacy; it is the proof that we are ourselves, that we have full sovereignty over ourselves."

So as an experiment, consider trying to smile to yourself, and for yourself. Forget the camera. Forget smiling for the sake of your friends even, but know that when you smile for yourself, they will nonetheless benefit as a side effect. Otherwise, if you're always trying to smile for others, you'll likely wind up feeling the following (from Emerson's essay Self-Reliance).

> "...the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease in answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved, but moved by a low usurping wilfulness, grow tight about the outline of the face with the most disagreeable sensation."

I'm sure we're all regrettably familiar with that "most disagreeable sensation". :-)

When we were first getting started (before we left the suburbs), we really enjoyed this book:
https://smile.amazon.com/Backyard-Homestead-Produce-food-quarter/dp/1603421386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525797710&sr=8-1&keywords=backyard+homestead

It's breadth is "a mile wide and an inch deep" but it helped to scratch the surface and help us find what we wanted to do and research more versus what we weren't interested in trying right away. It's a pretty easy read and just touches on many topics providing just enough information to get you started doing a project, basic troubleshooting with that item, and then moves on to a new topic.

In general I wouldn't worry. More specifically to your question, I enjoy "How I built this" from NPR very much - and I don't think it appeals to a certain personality type (at least not across different episodes).
Listen to it here:
https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/national-public-radio/how-i-built-this

You might also enjoy reading this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108
It really helped me get my head around some things...

Good luck!

I have a fluffy hippie piece of advice. Try reading up on the Stoic philosophy and slowly start putting their advice into action.

I know it sounds outlandish but reading the Stoics and doing some mindfulness meditation have done wonders for my confidence and quieting that inner Bojack Horseman voice that tells you you suck. In a nutshell they offer actionable advice on how to take a proactive rather than reactive outlook on life.

Here's a good book on it (https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/1522632735). Some Stoic experts have called it watered down but I say it's a great starting point. The primary literature on Stoicism is often written in flower overly formal language that can be hard to follow, but this is very approachable.

Two books profoundly helped me develop good posture:

3 Pillars of Zen

[Zen Training] (https://www.amazon.ca/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-Classics-ebook/dp/B007WVNUUW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523978417&sr=1-1&keywords=zen+training&dpID=411-sI-PVQL&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch)

I am posting them only for the pictures and explanation of posture, not the other content. Although it does stand on it's own, if you use TMI as a filter.

One of the most important things is to sit a little bit forward on the cushion and make sure your spine has it's natural curvature. You can achieve that by slightly pushing out the belly button so your back naturally curves and the weight settles nicely.

Where you actually sit on the cushion is key...

I'm sure others might know better books than the ones I posted...

I believe myself to be more optimistic than OP, but I'm still going to read that book you listed. I'm sure it has some solid info in there worth reading.

To OP. A lot of your "shortcomings" are only shortcomings because you're making them just that. As I'm reading here I'm just thinking. Whats so bad about that?... Stop being so mopey and make an effort to improve your life. I cant I cant I cant.. You need some good mental advancement to get your head right. Personally, I'm not big on meditation, but I've heard it does wonders. Maybe you can give this a try Amazon.com - Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World

So why then is tobacco shaming acceptable? You need to motivate people both logically and emotionally. You inform them on eating habits to motivate their logical side and you shame them to motivate their emotional side.

If you want to learn more about this dual motivation I suggest reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752 The author discusses the concept of emotional and logical motivation and that changing someones habits requires tapping into both. His analogy is the elephant (emotion) and the rider (logic). If you only motivate the rider the elephant will stand still and nothing will happen. If you only motivate the elephant it will run a muck not knowing the correct path.

Mindfulness. It can be practiced without meditation but meditation is how a lot of people explicitly practice it. It can feel like the meditation isn't working but you have to stick with it. Meditating and noticing how your mind wanders then recentering is practicing mindfulness. When you start your mind will wander A LOT but it'll get better over time.

A book like this could be helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955