(Part 2) Best products from r/AlAnon

Agree with that last sentiment. These are also beautiful renditions and pretty sure they’re all on YouTube https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000O591K6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QgO1BbQGG598P

In the standard set, it's dark blue. Although most people who gift tokens go for a nice Bronze token or a tri-plate coin like this.

*Links are for example only. You can probably find better options by shopping around ebay, etsy and specialty stores on the web.

I am 6 years into a marriage (8 years together) with someone who constantly lies, breaks my boundaries, spends money we don't have on things we don't need, doesn't take his share of the housework, etc. It's a daily struggle.

We run a business together and have 3 children. I wish I was in your place, in your shoes. The me that is now would tell you to get out, get out now! Before you become so entangled it would be much worse to separate. Or before any feeling of love becomes almost entirely consumed by feelings of bitterness and resentment. You don't have to divorce right now, but what you should do is make YOUR OWN LIFE whole. You cannot be responsible for another adults. You can't make them happy, you can't make them change. Only they can do that for themselves. Try this book, you can read it on Amazon or order a physical copy: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Giving-Away-Self-Sacrificing-Happiness-ebook/dp/B00P09F40M/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453068977&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+giving+it+away

In the end, what do you want to see when you look back in 10 or 20 years? A life alone pursuing your dreams/possibly with a loving supportive partner OR a life filled with resentment, disappointments, and financial ruin? A life where you feel secure and content OR a life where you are holding it all in, walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop to see what he fucks up next?

I still, despite all the lies and craziness, hold some love for my husband. I have been taking steps to be more independent, but the lack of support and his dreams always coming first is getting old, fast. I can see now if I had paid any attention, I would have seen warning bells. I was a sucker for that "poor guy who had a rough childhood." My husband has some great qualities - like hard work and a fun loving spirit, I just don't know how long that will be enough. Please take it from someone who is in the middle of it and very entangled due to life stuff, put yourself first.

The book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Janet Woititz opened my eyes to why I feel/act like I do, being a child of an alcoholic. It's a short book; I suggest you or your girlfriend read through it (you can get it for $1 on eBay). Read the reviews online for how it helped other people, too. I had this...warm feeling of acceptance, from myself, as I started to read this book. I couldn't believe how it KNEW how I felt inside, how I (incorrectly) pictured the way other people perceived me.

I found this website while searching for this book: http://www.adultchildren.org/. They also have a different book they're selling on there and it got very good reviews online also.

I've been listening to a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts that you might find interesting. The author has worked for decades with addicts, a lot of the time with the most difficult cases -- people on skid row in Vancouver BC.

I like it because it goes way, way beyond the 12 step thinking I was first exposed to 40 years ago as the young partner of a classic Jekyll and Hyde drinker.

We know a lot about addiction these days that was a complete mystery to the men who formed the first AA groups. The steps fit into this author's framework, but they aren't the whole picture.

I also like that this book is narrative in style even though the information in it is grounded in both personal experience and solid, recent science. It's not aimed at us, except in the sense that the author is trying to give guidance about what exactly it is we're up against when we live in these relationships.

https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X

I've been in your shoes. If you're not ready to leave, that's okay. You don't need to make a decision today. But you are dealing with alcoholism in about its worst form. If you stay on this path, you will find yourself in a year stuck in the same pattern, wondering "when" he's ever going to get better. Then you'll wake up in another 5 years, and 10 years, and so on.

It's your choice whether you want to face that reality. But whichever path you end up choosing (staying or leaving), it might help and give you peace of mind to evaluate your marriage from a practical perspective and come to a firm conclusion.

This book helps you do that. It does not insist that you leave, or stay. It helps you work through your fears of both scenarios, and come to a conclusion that you can live with.

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work

Thank you. If you haven't already, I implore you to read Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life .

Also check out intermittent Reinforcement . It's why that one day (which you are so deserving of!) will keep you around after weeks of behavior that you don't deserve. When I found out about this, I felt like I could finally explain to friends and family why it wasn't so easy to go. AND it helped me realize that I had to go.

This Naked Mind: by Annie Grace is a good book.

I would also suggest the book [https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812](Get Your Loved One Sober).

It has really helped me navigate rehab, relapses and drug use.

I think you might find this book helpful to adjust your approach to be more effective: https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475

It really changed my understanding of my role in my husband's behavior, and how I could effectively change his motivation without feeling like I was pounding my head against the wall or driving myself into misery.

i went through therapy to help deal with my dad's alcoholism.

1st. he suggested the book running on empty which has a chapter on addict parents and it goes over ways we cope with bad parenting and what to do about each coping strategy. it does have some good info on how to take care of yourself and break out of bad habits created during childhood.

2. i don't know about you but i get these bad spirals where i feel like i'm total shit and completely worthless. He suggested and i have found that the best way to break out is to take a time out, slap a label on the feeling (this is the way i figured out how to cope my dad's behavior as a child. it's not reality), and calm down.

3. i've found full body mindfulness meditation helps with step 2.

but he did say that the damage will take years to fix and will require practice with taking care of myself and labeling the damage. so don't feel bad if it doesn't work overnight. It's kind of like going to the gym. It makes you feel better every time you go, but don't expect sudden abs to appear.

Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More

Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!

Used copies are ~$5 on Amazon if that's available to you https://smile.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0894864025/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=codependent+no+more&qid=1571761274&sr=8-3

PS: https://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Collection-Alternative-Steps/dp/0991717406