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u/jkgibson1125 · 3 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

RJ,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am a WS and my wife and I have been in reconciliation for almost 5 years.

From what you are telling me there are still red flags here:

  1. Your husband is blame shifting the affair onto you. By making excuses he is in effect telling you that it was all your fault. Lets take the "Something Missing"

    What he is telling you that because you weren't giving him something he was missing it caused him to have an affair. This is bullshit in the extreme. The only way that you could be blamed for the affair is if you held a gun to your WS head and told him if he didn't have sex with the AP that you would kill him.

    Isn't it amazing that he was missing something important in the relationship and goes out and has to get it from someone else? Not only does he do that, but you don't find out about it until after you have discovered the affair. This is classic wayward behavior right there, not taking the responsibility for their actions.

    Now, I am going to be blunt. Most emotional affairs where the affair partners have access to each other usually go physical. I have only seen two times in the last five years that I have been on infidelity boards where this didn't happen. Both of these times is when the BS found out about the affair before it could go physical and they discovered messages which showed the WS and AP were about to go physical.

    Most waywards will minimize what happened in the affair. Seven years is a long time. He told you they made out once. The problem with that is highlighted in the book Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

    >It is a bigger leap to that first kiss than it is from kissing to sexual intercourse.

    Once the physical boundary is broken then other acts become easier. Kissing is a very intimate action and once you get to that point of intimacy there is no barriers to stop it.

    Reconciliation takes a huge amount of work on the WS in order to build a new relationship where your safety and security is one of the overriding factors. For me this required me to change a lot of things in my life. I had to get rid of people in my life who facilitated the affair. My wife told me she wanted me to find a new job because there was a women at my job that I had become dangerously close to. It took me two years to find a position, but I found one and got out of there because this is what she needed from me.

    After infidelity is discovered the relationship changes, you can't go back to the relationship that you had before because you will never forget what the WS has done. It is always there lurking in the background.

    Infidelity rips through the relationship and puts it on different terms. The trust which was invested before no longer is there. This is why its actions not words that are needed by the BS.

    There is a short book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It lists what I consider are the foundational actions and attitudes that a WS needs to embrace:

    How to help your spouse Heal 15 points

    How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald

    https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

    PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF

    She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:

    Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair

    • are non defensive

    • examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

    • accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

    • do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

    • show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

    • make amends and apologize to loved ones

    • apologize often, especially the first two years

    • listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

    • allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

    • respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

    • seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

    • keep no secrets

    • do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

    • are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

    • frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

    • are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

    • are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

    • don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

    • commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

    The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)


    • Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.

    • Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.

    • Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)

    • If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.

    I invite you to go through this list and grade your WS. What is he doing, what is he not doing. I would invite you to read the book so you can see her explanations on why the WS needs to do this.

    I am going to end this with a quote from her book which I believe is very relevant to your situation:

    You Get to

    Successful Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses of an important “vote” on the matter. They realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights of exclusivity and privacy. To compensate for these violations, Successful Rebuilders respect the offended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-affair.

    Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse “gets to” choose the next moves. Successful Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature of their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices of their own.

    I am sorry that you are dealing with this. The second dday resets a lot of the trust that has been built before it. Many people simply feel like they were put back at the beginning. What he is giving you is not the reconciliation you deserve. I believe that every betrayed spouse who is in reconciliation gets at the minimum the full 15 points which Linda McDonald lists in her book.

u/TheBraveChoice · 4 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

You have gotten a lot of great responses and I don’t have much advice to add, but maybe some encouragement.

As others have suggested, both of the books “How to Help your Spouse...” by MacDonald and “Not Just Friends” by Glass are very helpful in helping both the BS and WS understand some of the dynamics of an extramarital relationship, but IMO they both fall short in helping us to understand how in the hell the people we love the most could make such baffling decisions without regarding or even understanding the damage that would come from those choices.

In order to really understand the “why” for us we needed to understand our own history and how we developed our adult attachment systems and conflict management strategies. Our MC made some great recommendations that helped us get there:

Attached by Levine

And

“Hold Me Tight” by Johnson

These both went beyond just the affair and helped us understand how our dynamic over the course of our relationship contributed to the state of relationship at the time. They helped us get to the real “why”, which was much deeper than “I liked the attention” or “I felt isolated”. Those were part of it for sure, but it was really much deeper.

HMU in chat or PM if you’d like more details about our process, I’d rather not get too specific in public comments.

I wish you peace on this terrible journey.

u/ZarBandit · 6 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I’m glad you found it useful. There are many crazy things and feelings that happen when you’re cheated on and all of them are normal. So it’s good to read around and see how normal your feelings are.

One word of advice: Whatever you do, please do not try to rug sweep this by adding new commitments (kids, marriage, house, car) until everything has been worked out and resolved. It ends up so much worse later on than tackling it head on now.

You’ve been in an emotional car accident and it’s going to take work in recovery to heal from your trauma. Regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

It’s unfair, but even though you didn’t cause your injuries, you will have to do the hard recovery work to heal them. If you reconcile he must help and do all of the right things, but it is ultimately still on you,

This book really helped me figure out the acceptance vs. forgiveness part.

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060009314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7rkYDb96Q3J71

I hope you can find some inner peace soon.

u/wallacetook · 9 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I'm so sorry for all of this, for who I am, for what I've done to you. I wish I could undo and unravel this mess but I can't, and for that I'm so sorry.

You can't unravel the mess, but you can make a new good start.

go get yourself "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald

https://www.amazon.ca/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Amazing book, excellent guide with timelines and concrete actions you can take to rebuild trust

u/SlapNutsABingo · 8 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Your story is very touching and really is so very full of love, deep love. After all this time if he is still with you it is out of love and desire, not guilt. I do believe you should show him your post, seeing feelings written down can have an impact on us guys that may not happen the same way if talking about it.

I think you at least owe it to yourself and your relationship to continue on with the therapy and see where this is in a year or so. You have invested so much in this. I would insist that he also go to IC along with the MC with you. Tell him to help with making this all happen for both of you financially.

Look and see if there are any universities with a Vocational Rehabilitation major that would have access to counseling at one of their colleges. A lot of times they are offered for free. The one I work at does.
Have him read this...
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Also Affairrecovery.com on YouTube are great to watch together.

Then know, that if after all this, you still have the abilty and right to walk away, and of no fault of yours.

u/Zaggner · 3 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Believe me when I say that I've read them all. They're all very good, but How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair is, in my mind, the most concise and best book for helping the WS understand how their behavior has impacted the BS and what they are now required to do in order to have any chance of helping the healing. It has the added benefit of being much shorter than the others. I would recommend reading it together and help the WS understand precisely how you are hurting and how you are feeling is very normal for the amount of trauma they have caused. The WS was living in a fantasy world of self-justifications and self-gratifications and it really takes a brick upside their head before they begin to understand the pain they have caused. Buy the book today!

u/super_nice_shark · 8 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

(I'm almost 8 months post d day) Focus on you. I spent an ungodly amount of money to do something to my hair that I always wanted to do but never had the guts. I went to the beach with my mom for Memorial Day weekend - just the two of us (it was lovely!). I joined a meetup group in my city for "nerdy girls" and we meet twice a month to do crafts. I'm spending more time with my gal pals. I'm reading more - both for fun and for help. A few I recommend are: Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Jonice Webb's Running on Empty (if childhood neglect applies to you), pretty much anything by Brene Brown, any of Esther Perel's videos on Youtube, and the Affair Recovery website (sign up for their emails - it can be really helpful to be feeling some kind of way and boom there's an email in your inbox about just that thing - kind of uncanny really).

u/My_POSH_Reddit_Acct · 3 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:

Books:

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.

Web sites/videos:

Affair Recovery Free Resources.

AffairRecovery.

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

u/loopyouin · 1 pointr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601425368/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3IeRDbFTTEHP3

u/refman1 · 2 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

There is lot of good advice here already. I would add just a few things.

Have you advised the HR department of your affair with a coworker? Did you advise your respective bosses? You cannot duck the responsibility to your work.

I would reinforce the suggestion of reading the book "Not Just Friends" it is very helpful/

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.

u/the314sky · 1 pointr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

It's definitely more than that. My IC loaned me a book to read, After the Affair by Janis Spring. My WS has been reading it too. We are finding it very helpful, and I highly recommend it, especially if MC is not an option. It's $11 on Amazon, and they might have it at the library (https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=after+the+affair+by+janis+spring&qid=1567124389&s=gateway&sprefix=after+the+aff&sr=8-1)

u/slappyjanejones · 7 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I don’t think you’ve healed from it. I think you’ve swallowed what you can in order to endure it.

Read I Love You But I Don’t Trust You by Mira Kirschenbaum and see if that gives you some perspective on how you might be able to confront, address, and forgive the emotional pain she has caused you.

u/33saywhat33 · 3 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

That sounds like individual counseling would help. I'm not sure what else you can do. I wouldn't tell him "It's alright."

There is a book called forgive yourself.

u/frayed_ragdoll · 6 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

You spouse can start with this book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

My WS read it, and then I did. It was helpful as a starting point in this process.

u/Imnotaselfhelpbook · 2 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Thanks for the suggestion. Is this the right book? Boundaries

u/Beckella · 3 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

My WS and I had exactly this conversation this weekend. We’re 4 months out from D day. I had a bad day on Saturday. Not the worst, not furious and raging but just sad and down, thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. He could see what was happening, asked if I was having a bad day, I said yes but I didn’t know why. Our issue is that he gets frustrated when I have a bad day, feeling like no matter what he does it’s never enough, so he gets distant or down or annoyed, which is not only not supportive or helpful, but it makes me mad when what I want is for him to help me feel better, but he says he doesn’t know how. But I don’t know either in truth. Or that’s the short version.

In the end I went for a drive and had some space. I went to the library and wrote a long email to him about how he needed to understand why I am going to continue to have bad days but I’m trying, that his effort is helping make the bad days further apart, and what else I want him to do . He stayed home and read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair which I had bought him shortly after dday but he never read (I asked that he please read it, annoyed he hadn’t already).

Once I came home we were both ready to have a much calmer, kinder conversation and he said he had a lot of realizations from the book. So this was a “good” bad day. Other days I seethe, feel like I’m right back to DDay in terms of my anger and wanting to run, so I pick a fight and you all know the rest. I still haven’t figured out how to manage that better. But you’re not alone.

TLDR: deep breaths, communicate, take space, consider books you can both read like the one linked above, journal or write an email to your SO whether you decide to send it or not, give it time, you’re not alone, you don’t need to have all the answers now.