Best products from r/AskGaybrosOver30

First off, everything I have to say will be said better on the r/fitness and r/loseit wikis. If what I say resonates with you, then go there and read the wikis before posting your questions. They're both very supportive communities, but fitness will remove your post if you try to post a basic question without reading the wikis.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but "toning" is a myth. You look better by losing fat to reveal the muscle hidden underneath. If you have low muscle, then you will need to build some, but that can wait if you're more concerned about your overall weight.

First, have a clear goal. Do you want to lose fat or do you want to build muscle? It's possible to do both, but figure out which is the priority for now, because one or the other is much easier to do as a beginner. Strength training is great for everyone. Try to do compound movements, like bench press, deadlift, and squat (the big 3), rows, and overhead press, and generally stay away from machines for the first month or two while you work on learning good form. Machines are a crutch when you're a beginner. The first couple months will suck. You will be sore after your workouts. Just power through it. The soreness mostly goes away after a couple months if you are consistent.

Try to get over your dislike of gym environments. They really do help to keep you focused and the act of going means that you are committing to exercising for X amount of time, whereas there are other distractions and temptations at home. It's also nice having access to a variety of equipment so you can try new exercises without sacrificing storage space at home, particularly if you're lifting. Even if you're really not feeling it, commit to 30 minutes of lifting or cardio on your gym days. Your first few months are about building the habit.

Count calories. Seriously, do it. Buy a food scale (they're cheap) and download an app like MyFitnessPal or Chronometer. Honestly log everything that you eat and drink for a week (you'll be surprised at how calorie dense some foods are, but it's better to be aware) and then calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE) with an online calculator and compare. Be sure to be honest about your activity level. If you work a desk job and don't have any physically active hobbies, then you are sedentary. You will need to eat bellow your TDEE in order to lose weight. 500 kcals under your TDEE is the usual rule of thumb, but talk to your doctor if that gives you a number that is too challenging. Warning: there will be a lot of conflicting information on how much protein you need to eat daily.

Man I'm sorry you're struggling. I went through exactly the same thing here in America. Like you I used to think of my sexuality as a disability. In hindsight that seems fucked up to me now, and really shows how conditioned we are to think that heterosexuality is the only way to be "normal".

Idk if you're a reader, but there's a great book about this exact subject (accepting yourself) called The Velvet Rage. I've seen it recommended before, but I really think it should be required reading for us gays. We all have to go through this process to become healthy emotionally.

It will take time, and personally I'm not finished yet after years of trying. Good friends are important. People that will listen and care about you. Ideally get counseling or therapy from someone who specializes in this if available.

If you can without endangering yourself, try to be "out" as much as you can to your friends, family, and coworkers. Not having to live a mental double life helps.

Whatever you do, don't kill yourself, no matter how hopeless you feel. If you get to that point please go to the hospital. Your situation may seem impossible sometimes, and you will have bad days, but there is always a way forward. Always.

I wish you the best ❤️

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738215678/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Dg1DCbQMDWC4C

Great topic!

Something purely functional that helped me out a lot was to add a lot more light to my living space. I'm in the US, so we've got some pretty short days now (though certainly they're even shorter in Canada, Europe, and other countries at northern latitudes.). Having lights on at sunset (which can be around 4:30pm-5:00pm or so right now) until bedtime really helped keep my energy up through the evening, and then let me get a good night's sleep when I turned them off and went to bed.

I found 2700K temperature color bulbs to be the best looking by far. Floor lamps with indirect light (i.e., the bulb is obscured) were good to have, as well as additional task/accent lights. I bought enough lamps so that I felt awake inside even after dark. So I'd put 2-3 floor lamps in the living room, along with 2-3 accent lights and maybe a task lamp. Similar, though slightly scaled down, for the bedroom.

A few floor lamps I liked:

• https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/vidja-floor-lamp-with-led-bulb-white-30416149/
  
• https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KMWCNBY
  
• https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01NBPHPYF
  
  So if you're in the northern hemisphere and you feel a lower-mood, lower-energy this time of year, and maybe are also having poorer-quality sleep, consider if adding more light to your living space might help. I can say in my own experience, it really helped soften those difficulties for me.

it's a same-sex act, but if you want to get real particular about definitions, it's fair to not call it a 'homosexual' act, as no one involved identifies as homosexual, and having a same-sex encounter does not mean that you're gay, or make you gay.

If you're not trolling, and really just having trouble wrapping your head around the way that this realm of sexuality is being discussed these days, I have a book recommendation for you: Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men.

Jane Ward tries to comprehensively examine the range of situations where straight men have same-sex encounters, the implications of that experience for them in the rest of their lives, and how that gets even more interesting when you throw race into the equation. It's actually a pretty good read, and it might help you understand how 'kids these days' are talking about sexuality.

> I just wanna impress them more...

Brene Brown has found in her research that trying to conform to what we think other people want (not saying you’re doing this—but I think we can sometimes feel pressure to do this) leads to shame and unhappiness.

She says wholehearted people aim to share their authentic selves with people who have shown them that they are worthy of this. Sounds like this guy is, which is awesome.

BB talks about this in her audiobook The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage.

I listened to it for free from my public library via the Hoopla app.

For the CliffsNotes version, here are the recommendations she discusses towards the end of the audiobook: https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/10-guideposts-for-wholehearted-living-by-dr-brene-brown/

Edit: my husband makes substantially more money than I do. It hasn’t been a problem. My approach when we were dating:

• was matter-of-fact, acted like its no big deal, and that helped it to be that way. Didn’t put down where I lived or apologize for it.
  
• Took pride in my home and made it reflect me and my interests. I lived in a 400 square foot apartment, but I had a Mari Kondo type mentality about it of honoring my space and making it a pleasing place to be.
  
• Kept in mind that where I lived wasn’t who I was; having a small apartment didn’t make me a small person.

I think aspects of it are uniquely gay but not all of it. Love is a powerful emotion and longing (which is what is described) is not uniquely gay. The details of how he affected the rest of my life and why are uniquely gay. I actually like The Velvet Rage quite a bit but there are areas where I think he attributes certain traumas as uniquely gay when they are actually just common experiences with gay details. Read some Robert A. Johnson for a good counterpoint. He writes about male psychology and except for "Balancing Heaven and Earth", you'd never know he's gay. Start with "He: Understanding Masculine Psychology"

consider a really small butt plug. These are cheap and I've used them. Just relax and put one in. Then just watch Netflix. It'll do two things. First, it'll allow you to pay attention to when you're clenching and when you're relaxing. Focus on relaxing. Second, it'll keep you open which will help stretch a little.

The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon by Tom Spanbauer

This avocado tool is my go to housewarming gift. It is something no one would spend the money on but would appreciate once they have it.

You mean a Mr. Nice Guy^TM .

Gun Oil is my lube of choice. A little goes a long way... doesn't make a sticky mess.

Look up on Amazon (or anywhere) Anal Trainer Kit. You'll see MANY plug kits with 3-4 plugs of various sizes. Pretty self explanatory... work your way up. There are some with quite thin hilts (where the plug meets the base)... I'd NOT recommend those... those won't do what you need.

https://www.amazon.com/CalExotics-Colt-Anal-Trainer-Kit/dp/B001TK3GHE

Those are pretty standard and will do ya right, brother.
Of course, it's your body.

Stay away from anything that says: Steel But Plug... fer fucks sake... this is NOT what you want. hahahaha

if you decide to buy some---i went with bodyelastic brand. There's a lot of cheap ones out there but I think it's worth spending a bit of money.

Nonviolent Communication. It sounds a lot like physically beating people up but I was angsy af when I was younger and this helped me find empathy, get to the root of conflicts and find mutually beneficial solutions.

No. All purported "treatments" that claim to change any sexual orientaion are Snake oil, with a long history of failure and coverups. There is a reason all the mainstream psychs and therapists wont touch it with a ten foot pole.

The reason is that sexual orientation is mostly biological in origin, explained here in this good article http://www.vocativ.com/312971/scientists-destroy-anti-gay-arguments-about-choice/

Theres also a damn good book, "Gay, Straight and the Reasons Why" which you can pick up on Amazon from 7 bucks, I read this a little after it came out, and you'll find it real enlightening, I know I did http://www.amazon.com/Gay-Straight-Reason-Why-Orientation/dp/0199931585

Have you read The Barbell Prescription? https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982522770/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_x5Z3BbQGM79V7