Best products from r/AskMenOver30
We found 68 comments on r/AskMenOver30 discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 326 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.
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1. No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
- Running Press Book Publishers
- Ideal for a bookworm
- It's a great choice for a book person
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2. Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties
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5. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
- HARPER ONE
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7. Say Good Night to Insomnia: The Six-Week, Drug-Free Program Developed At Harvard Medical School
- Keeps cut tomatoes fresh longer
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8. Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Fully Revised and Updated for 2018
- Penguin Books
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9. Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease: The Revolutionary, Scientifically Proven, Nutrition-Based Cure
- Avery publishing group
- Language: english
- Book - prevent and reverse heart disease: the revolutionary, scientifically proven, nutrition-based cure
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10. To Our Children's Children: Preserving Family Histories for Generations to Come
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12. PORTER-CABLE PCE201 4.3-Amp 1/4-Inch Hex Chuck Impact Driver
- Corded power eliminates hassle of changing batteries
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13. Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise
- Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
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14. How to Read a Book: The Classic Guide to Intelligent Reading
- Simon & Schuster
- Condition : Good
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15. Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World
- Thomas Nelson Publishers
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16. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love
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18. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
- Broadway Books
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19. The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
ISBN13: 9781591792574Notes: 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Tracking provided on most orders. Buy with Confidence! Millions of books sold!
You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.
Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.
The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.
You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.
> And I know this is not a competition.
You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.
So don't do that.
You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.
You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.
You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.
I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.
I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from Audible.com in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.
To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.
This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.
Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.
Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.
I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.
You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.
Tools: Just buy the cheap shit until you really understand what YOU need. I've been a weekend warrior for 20 years... if a I can do it myself I do it myself. About the only thing I won't touch is the inside of the furnace, AC, garage door springs, and an asphalt driveway. I've gone through a lot of tools... cheap and expensive... 90% of the time those cheap tools do the job just fine and last many years. I have cheap Taiwanese drop-forge tools plenty of people would turn their nose up to but I've used for 10+ years. I've broken plenty of expensive and supposedly high quality tools. Get stuff on sale... don't be afraid of buying used...
Here's what I'd say are the essentials
Maybe noticed I've only mentioned two power tools. Yeah they are awesome but rarely REQUIRED to get a job done. Here's some really 'nice to have' power tools. Again I HIGHLY recommend you get non-cordless versions! They will be cheaper initially and in the long run as you don't have to buy replacement batteries. Usually more powerful than their cordless counterparts. Nothing sucks more than being in the middle of a job and your battery dies. Everyone will say "just get two or three!" Yeah, um, they are not cheap ... or I can grab a cheap extension cord and run the tools all day. I've tried plenty of cordless things in the past... my wife and I hate them for many reasons.
Also you'd be surprised what you can find at your local pawn ship for power tools! Don't be afraid of buying used... just look it over; does it look OK? Ask to test it in the store... does it work OK? It's probably OK and only Black Friday deals will beat the prices. Plus sometimes you get a great score! I got an amazing Senco finishing nailer for $20. Yeah it looks ROUGH but it works GREAT! Who cares what it looks like? It's a $200 tool I got for $20.
Bro Tip: Best screw drive types in order of best to worst
That's all general construction / destruction tools. I could go on with what you'd want for plumbing, electrical, drywall, painting, finishing wood, landscaping, etc. etc. I don't want to overwhelm you... anymore =)
THIS IS PART TWO of my reply. Read the other one first.
> I figured I might ask you this, since you seem to be a very down-to-earth guy
Just a little further down the road than you are, that's all.
> I really don't want to check pickup-sites for advice on this sort of stuff.
Banish that thought from your mind right now. Granted, PUA (Pick Up Artist) sites and books are typically manipulative and somewhat sociopathic, dating advice books and websites are a goldmine of information that you NEED to check out. I felt the exact same way as you did, and I held tight until I was 32 years old and realized I was about 15 years behind the times.
All my friends know how to date, and did things in the books and websites. Why do you want to ignore the advice and information that is the answer? Are you trying to learn to ride a bike ... alone ... with your eyes closed ... and your hands in the air? "You're gonna have a bad time."
Here are some must read books:
This one turned my world upside down. It was hard to swallow at first, but he is a genius. Please take the time to read it. If you do, and try even 5% of the advice, you will be 5% better than every guy out there who tries nothing.
This is a great book. I firmly believe in being honest with women, which is something you lack. This is a major flaw in your approach and personality. Essentially, when you do not make your intentions clear, you are a liar, a scumbag, a cheater. That is what is most detrimental to you as a person. You also have to learn to be honest with yourself.
And the guy who helped me understand women:
Read his articles. Think about your past situations. See how they apply. I strongly recommend you buy his book, but check eBay for used copies first. The book is poorly written and organized, but it's the most brilliant advice on the planet. It's just so obvious.
> I'm not so good at the flirty-type of conversation;
So get out and practice. What I did was to go to the local upscale mall, where all the women who were working were drop dead gorgeous, and I'd go into each store and tell them I was looking for a gift for my friend who is a girl - but NOT my GF. I'd then ask them what they suggested was cool. Then they would suggest something and I'd playfully laugh and say something like "No, really? Oh come on, is that the best idea you can come up with? Did I mention I actually LIKE my friend and don't want her to hate me? What else do you have?" I'd smile big, laugh, and generally make her try harder to impress me. In the end I would walk away and say I'd have to think about it. But practicing like this upped my game tremendously.
The most important thing to do is NOT say the first thing that comes to mind, but rather the SECOND or THIRD thing. That second thing sets you apart from all the other guys who say the same things.
> my first relationship (which ended up being 2 years) happened when I was 18, and basically we talked online for a bunch of nights in a row, then I invited her over and we watched some Breaking Bad, and a second date later I asked her quote "Would you want to go out with me?" and that was that.
Yeah, but you were 18. Now you're 21. You're an adult. Women are adults. It's different now. You have to grow or you will be left far, far behind.
> Thanks a ton again for talking with me, really appreciate it.
Now, let me ask you this - what other woman have you seen around school who you find attractive? How are you going to ask her out?
Tip: First dates should always be on Sun-Thurs night. NO first dates on Fri or Sat nights. So, if you get a number (your goal), wait 4-5 days to call her, then offer a date on a weekday night.
If I am not getting your point, I am sorry. Your description of your concerns is a bit vague to me, and I am trying to answer.
>This means cutting down on the travel, random hobbies, sleeping in and other things that have characterized my twenties.
I think that this is a wise observation. To me, spending a large amount of resource to figure out who you are is one of characteristic of twenties, a part of a phase, not your life is all about. This phase could be much more fun compared to the following phase of actually making efforts to become who you are. And, some people treat the transition from twenties to thirties like the end of their lives, but I do not think that way.
Nobody can assure you about your future and you indeed do not need to be assured. Most likely, your problem is not the future but your anxiety about it. And, having anxiety is very common and there are treatments! Dare could be a good book for you. Although the book may not appealing to you until you obtain internal locus of control, I mention anyway. It took me a very long time to work on my external locus of control.
>I won't be super successful in my twenties
Why? Stop thinking about the past and the future and setting your expectations. That is a step to depression. Your life is a problem nobody faced. It is impossible to calculate expected values when you do not have a defined problem and complete table of outcomes.
> Robert Greene's Mastery
I have not read this book, but if you like the subjects of expertise and deliberate trainings, I recommend these books (Copied from my another thread):
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
The book is about the subject of deliberate training and explains how spending a long time on specific kinds of training develops your skills. Not a research paper, and the tone of book is casual. Many pages are about the author and people around her, and those explained the motivation of studies about the subject and added real life examples to apply those studies, for example, to parenting. In general, the book is hopeful to motivate you to start training towards your goal.
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise
Another book is about the subject of deliberate training. I recommend you to read this book after Grit. This book is more like a research paper. The tone of this book is drier than Grit but the book contains the details of the studies and advises you how, when and how much you should practice.
>having a five year plan for the future seems like an impossibly long timeline
Probably impossible if you mean that you make a plan to follow for 5 years. Planning is like calculus. You need to know what to do right now, assuming as if you are going to do it forever, then you immediately update your plan once you have feedback from what you did right now, and you will be in a different place from where you thought to be yesterday. Having routines and a day plan for today helps me a lot.
At last, this is a common advice about jobs/ career I like.
"Do not pick a job to help people. Pick a job that you can do well and help the most."
Learning to be patient is a great start! Wish you the best :)
It's perfectly normal. In fact, if I were you I'd worry more if you didn't have those feelings.
It sounds to me like you're sort of stuck in a rut, man. That sucks. Is there anything else you could be doing, job-wise?
> The thought of getting married and having kids scares the shit out of me.
You are under no obligation whatsoever to get married and father children. Some people choose to do it, some choose not to. I for one, choose not to. It's up to you and what makes you happy and feels right.
> This isn't what I expected life to be like. My outlook on life has become very bleak and the things I used to enjoy has become boring.
It's only just begun, and that's a good thing. But I get what you're saying, though. For example, I've played guitar since I was around 12. For a couple of years I just didn't feel like it.. Didn't play a single riff for months at a time. This year I met a woman who just started a year ago, and we had a blast playing together. Jammed on old classics and taught her a couple of tricks. Bam! My enthusiasm for my beloved instrument was back. Point is, your passion for the things you used to enjoy can strike back just like that, given that you're in a good mental state.
> I'm just going through the motions, nothing matters. Does life get better after your 20's?
Speaking of a good mental state. Yes, it gets better when your 20's are over. At least for me, that decade was a fucking ordeal. I came to terms with who I was and what life is like, be it fucked or not. Giving less fucks about shit that didn't actually matter helped a great deal for my overall well-being. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck pretty much sums it up.
Best of luck. Your best years are ahead of you, not behind you.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
I felt the same way well into my 30's. My relationships never lasted more than a few months, and they made me miserable. Long story short, I was dating the wrong women. This is going to sound cheesy, but you need to understand and accept yourself before you can move forward. Then you need to approach your relationships with 100% honesty about who you are and what you need.
In my case, I was an introvert trying to date extroverts. I didn't understand what it really meant to be an introvert or that it wasn't a flaw that needed correcting. This book changed my life: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
I also hadn't found a relationship in which I felt completely safe being honest without fear of judgement. That's as much on your partner as you, of course, but you can facilitate it by setting the example.
Once I knew myself and understood that I wasn't a bad person, I finally became open to meeting the right woman. It didn't happen overnight. When my perfect introvert found me, it took me a while to believe I was really capable of even having a relationship. Fortunately she had patience. We dated for a year, and now we're engaged. :)
First I would say that your state of confusion is normal at your age. The brain matures around 25 and time should help you find a bit more peace but only then.
I would suggest to find a mentor : someone you respect, can look up to and are confident that they have your best interest at heart. Could be a family member or a counsellor perhaps. Expose your questions and take his or her input seriously.
Also, do not underestimate the power contained in good books. This is the most condensed wisdom one can find. Start with How to read a book and ask your mentor for reading advice as it is easy to drown in the quantity.
Check out this book:
There's a really good anecdote early on in the book. It tells the story of this guitarist who got kicked out of his band just before they record their first album. He was completely devastated. On his way back to LA from New York, he decided that he would start his own band and be bigger and better than his old band. He practiced constantly, assembled a new band and recorded an album. The band became successful and actually reached global fame. His new band was Megadeath, a relatively popular and well known band. Most people would be very happy with this accomplishment. Unfortunately his previous band was Metallica, and they were much more popular and successful than Megadeath. The guitarist (Dave Mustaine) later admitted in an interview that he was still upset about being kicked out of Metallica and doesn't consider himself to be a success.
It then tells the story of Pete Best. He was the drummer who was kicked out of The Beatles and replaced by Ringo Starr just before they made it big. For years he was depressed, suicidal, and pissed off at the world. But later, he met his wife, started a family, and lived a happy and satisfying life. Eventually, he accepted the things in life that he couldn't control and took responsibility for those that he could.
The point is that you shouldn't worry about the things in your life that you can't control. Don't compare yourself to your friends or set arbitrary benchmarks like "I should be making $X per year". Don't measure your progress in life by how much money you have in the bank or how many fancy toys you have. Find what makes you happy and do it.
Get a copy of
"Say Good Night to Insomnia: The Six-Week, Drug-Free Program Developed At Harvard Medical School" by Dr. Gregg Jacobs.
The first few chapters have a weird hucksterish tone. Hold your nose and read on anyway. The program laid out in the book was developed over the course of a decade at Harvard. It has been clinically proven to be effective. I followed the program and found it to be very helpful.
While you are waiting for the book to arrive Google on "Sleep Hygiene" to learn all about little habits that look harmless that can add up to disrupt your sleep.
As others will mention you may want to get tested for sleep apnea. Caveat emptor! Selling the equipment has become a money maker. Insurance companies are also pushing people to take home wrist bands to monitor their vitals as a means of diagnosing sleep apena. The wrists bans are not accurate. If you get test for sleep issues insist on going to a sleep lab where you are monitored for a night while you sleep. It isn't true for everyone, but most cases of sleep apnea ( or snoring ) clear up with weight loss.
There are two kinds of insomnia.
The second type usually indicates an issue with anxiety or depression. Don't let the words "anxiety" or "depression" phase you as they don't necessarily mean big problems. Mild anxiety or depression can get you up in the middle of the night. The human body has "core sleep" that lasts about 5 hours which it uses to keep the basics in the body running. After that the brain starts sorting & processing things and after that point is when people who have trouble staying asleep begin getting up. Unfortunately the only cure for this is sorting out your life. You may find it helpful to open up something to journal in, and divide the page into two columns. The one on the left title it "what is on my mind" and the one on the right title it "what can I do about it". Doing that sometime after dinner can help. If self help like that isn't enough seeking psychological counseling can help.
As far as short term solutions go some people use these things to help them get to sleep or back to sleep
Give Celestial Seasonings "Sleepy Time Plus" a try. It is likely in your supermarket, cost only a few dollars, and is harmless. Many people simply don't make it strong enough. Bring a big pot of water to boil, turn the stove off, and let the tea bags soak in it for 20 minutes. 1 tea bag per 8 fluid ounces ( 1 cup ). Let it cool to room temperature and put it in a pitcher to save in your refrigerator. You will need to drink several cups. You can drink them before you go to sleep to help you get to sleep or drink them when you wake up in the night to help you get back to sleep. If your problem is falling asleep start drinking a cup once an hour after dinner.
There are stronger herbal teas and concoctions out there for you to explore. Anything that relaxes or that decreases anxiety will help as it is mental stimulation in the brain that gets people up keeps people up.
Do not drink alcohol. It will make you drowsy, but it disrupts the electrical patterns the brain needs to go through to sleep and sleep well. If you use alcohol regularly to help you sleep you will contribute to your sleep problems persisting.
Breathing exercises are another thing to try. Research has shown that people doing breathing exercises consistently as little as 15 min a day sleep better, are less anxious, and less depressed. 4-7-8 breathing is extremely relaxing. Dr. Weil has a great audio CD for learning a full range of breathing exercises.
Lastly, I ran across this post from an MD who specializes in sleep problems and saved a copy as I think it applies to many people for their sleep issues as well as their mental health issues:
>ICUDOC 12.3k points 2 years ago3
Sleep doctor here, including someone who has been involved in the treatment of PTSD. Lots of good advice here. The most important thing I can add however is that organizing your thoughts and recalling and digesting impactful, emotional events in your head is actually how the human mind works. Being alone with your thoughts, minimizing external stimulation to focus on the internal dialogue is an important daily activity even for as little as 15 minutes a day.
The problem with the modern lifestyle is you probably go from morning radio to podcast in car to Facebook, to work and Reddit during breaks and then back home to the TV. There are few opportunities for quiet reflection so is there any surprise that the first moment there are no distractions (once your head hits the pillow on your bed) you would start having your inner dialogue?
Your coping mechanism should not be more distraction and sleeping pills, but rather forced routine that involves that internal voice. Here are powerful coping mechanisms successful people use on a daily basis:
These routine activities force you to confront your inner thoughts and you will have these necessary internal dialogues during appropriate times rather than moments you are trying to sleep.
People with PTSD (for example) who get in trouble are the kinds of people who ratchet up the distractions in their life because an inner thoughtful reflection on the horrors of life would be too painful. After awhile, distracting yourself becomes ineffective and sleep is often the first victim of a distracted lifestyle.
Good luck, I know this is hard!
If you don't mind a long post, I'll post an excerpt from my book Initiative https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-Passions/dp/1733039902, which describes how our educational system tends to limit people's expectations of their abilities with more education -- the opposite of what education is for, if you ask me.
I wrote the book to show how to exit how schools teach us just to follow their path, and how to create one's own path.
Our most educated are often least skilled
My feeling trapped and helpless in graduate school is sadly common. Many of the most educated feel the most trapped and helpless.
I've learned to highlight this shortcoming of our educational system in a talk I've given to many highly educated students and professionals. I first gave it to Columbia's medical school. A graduate student there who saw how much I loved working outside my PhD field invited me to speak to a student-run group there called the 92 club, named because 8% of students in his field got jobs in what they studied. The other 92% had to fend for themselves.
I spoke to a full room of 150 people including graduate students, post-docs, and researchers.
“When I started graduate school,” I began, “I loved physics. I still do, but about halfway through, I learned that as much as I loved the field, I didn't want the life of a researcher. I felt like I had three options:
“I could continue researching anyway. My advisor was big and my satellite data important, but since I had fallen out of love with research, I didn't like this option.
“I could go into industry, which I felt meant military-industrial complex. I didn't want to work there either.
“Option three was Wall Street, where I'd make more money for less work and more status. I didn't like the culture, so didn't want that option either.
“So I felt trapped.”
I asked the room of students if they could relate.
One said, “Yes, that's why we brought you here.” The room generally agreed.
I continued “You've all heard of people who dropped out of school, like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, to start their own projects, right?”
I said, “You know that they could go in any direction they wanted as far as they wanted, right?”
I said, “You have more education but feel you have fewer options,” and paused to let that sink in, then continued, “Isn't that the opposite of what an education is for?”
Every audience I ask this question, from students to working professionals, reacts as dumbfounded. They sit and take time to process how their education is causing the opposite of their goal. They all show the same disillusionment as they try to figure out what they misunderstood about education. I know I have their attention for the next hour.
Why do students and graduates of top programs at top universities feel trapped? Why do so many successful people leave school to succeed?
Anxiety pervades our educational system at every level, often in proportion to meeting its goals—that is, by design. Long-term research of grade-school students found that “suburban, relatively affluent . . . children of well-educated, white collar professionals . . . 'privileged' youth”, show “significantly higher rates of drug use, depression, and anxiety than their lower income counterparts”? Why is more of our educational system producing more anxiety?
I don't leave the audience hanging, by the way. I tell them how taking initiative to start my first venture liberated me from feeling trapped by giving me the skills to start other new projects. I add that their school or employer won't likely teach them how, but they can learn themselves.
What's wrong with schools?
Beside the academic information schools teach, the behavior they teach is compliance. Writer and teacher William Deresiewicz aptly titled his book on what results from compliant people filled with facts but not social and emotional development: Excellent Sheep.
Greg Whiteley, director and producer of the documentary Most Likely To Succeed, described the results of his interviewing many heads of companies: “When we look at kids who had come from the very best high schools and then gone on to the very best universities and graduated at the top of their class, when they come to us, they frequently they were incapable of doing the work we needed them to do.”
Whiteley described our educational system's most successful graduates as follows: “You get a ton of kids who probably chose a fairly safe and predictable route, probably studied something that was fairly safe and predictable so the time they get to Google, say, they're not in touch with what they're passionate over. They've long since jettisoned that ambition or even asking themselves 'What do I really love?' That's not even on the table. It's more like, 'What does the teacher want and how can I give it to them?'”
Amazon makes the first couple chapters available https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-Passions/dp/1733039902 to give more background.
I was you, about two years ago. I had fully committed to being a great dad and a great husband, but had stopped developing as an individual. Figuring that out is an excellent first step to, as you said, getting your life back in balance.
Here are two books that helped me:
Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl: It's a short book by a Holocaust survivor that deals with controlling your attitude at all times, and having perspective on where you are compared to where you want to be.
A Guide to the Good Life, by William Irvine: A good modern take on Stoicism, or the philosophy of taking life in stride. Contrary to common belief, it's not about eschewing all emotions and being joyless; it's about embracing joy in all things, acknowledging and preparing for grief but not letting them overwhelm you, and being mentally present in day-to-day life. Plan for the future, but don't forget to take joy in the small moments of the present.
Edited in links.
Heart disease isn't the death sentence it used to be. A 4 way bypass is a new lease on life as long as he takes it seriously and focuses on his health, diet and exercise. Gave my dad an additional 20 years and he was unstoppable.
The Leukemia is the shitter, I am sorry. The best you can do for that situation is be very cognizant of her pain, and keep on top of her treatment. Make the time to spend the time. You will always be glad you did.
One of the things I have always done with my family members who were older and have since passed on, is make a video history with them. I kind of consider it my job.
Get this book
It gives you an outline.
I am sure to upload every video to the cloud and send it to every family member. I swear to you, I have been doing this for the last 50 years, and the increadable family stories, and history I have chronicled is amazing. Family members have even played some of the edited portions during important family events, and the children have been able to "meet" relatives who have passed.
I am doing this right now with my mother who was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is the best part of our day.
Good Luck to you.
>Maybe someone can explain me his logic?
Read Attached. Your "boyfriend" has an avoidant attachment type and will never be able to give you the level of intimacy you desire. Reading that book helped me understand and let go of a couple exes. Great guys who I had a great time with, but who I have accepted will never give me what I want, which is a committed relationship that I feel secure in. Blocking him is a smart idea, you just have to realize that there are much better guys out there to form relationships with and as long as you allow him in your life you won't move on.
Sounds like you are in a bad place. I don't really have much advice but I will recommend two books. /u/cyanocobalamin has already rocomend a good book, the one's I want to add are:
I wish you all the best, life will get better. It will take effort but it will get better.
The book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty changed my outlook on dating, and has really made a difference in how I approch it. I also got a lot out of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as far as recognising my own needs and those of my partners.
Good luck with the meds, it can be life changing to finally find something like that out.
I'm in my early 30's and in some ways I'm in the same situation. I don't have any more goals right now. I've done just about all the big things I wanted to do.
I've travelled the world, had many wonderful relationships, had a professional career and been introspective enough to figure out who I am. While I'm single at the moment, I don't feel the need for a woman to complete me and I'm happy being alone.
I took a year off to figure out what I want to do now, and I haven't really come up with anything. I'm pretty introverted and I had to deal with my misanthropy, as like you I was over petty minded bullshit from 'will to power' types who couldn't live and let live. (Interestingly a lack of desire for power, prestige and the like is common among introverts according to this book)
I'm not worried about life being too short, but I don't want to waste 20 years of my life being 'content' and waking up in my 50's to realise I'd wasted my potential.
Maybe we just aren't designed to be 'content'. It reminds me of the movie 'The Matrix' where the AI talks about how they originally tried to create a utopia, but the human minds rejected it so the computers had to create a rat-race.
Frankly I think this feeling of 'is that it?' comes to everyone who manages to get some breathing space and isn't bogged down with the constant challenges created by having a family or struggling to keep your head above water. We aren't trained to find a deeper meaning in life beyond 'raise a family' and so everyone has to figure it out for himself. With luck, it can be done without going through a Dark Night of the Soul.
My advice is to expose yourself to new things. Undertake new projects and attempt new activities and eventually something should stick.
I'll leave you with a link to Hunter S Thompsons excellent advice on what people should do with their lives.
(Backup link here in case brainpickings.org is down)
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title may be a bit of a misnomer. The book is basically a guide for taking care of yourself so that you can be the best husband, friend, employee, etc.
"Givers have to set limits because Takers will not".
-Some Reddit user a while back.
If you don't set limits and boundaries for yourself, no one else will.
There are two books that have helped me deal with similar tendencies. When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are very good books based on sound psychological premises, as opposed to other books I read that were theology based. As a side note, theological books may help some people, they just didn't fit for me. I wanted books based on observation and scientific study.
More to the point, they help in identifying where you need boundaries and communication techniques and styles to help navigate the conversation smoothly away from those topics.
It's not necessarily an age issue, it's just personal boundaries but those are changed and updated with age. Since many people can view a passive person as someone to be taken advantage of, they target them and as we get older we typically acquire more resources that other people want. So more hands come out trying to take what you've earned.
It's shitty to have some of the closest people in your life trying to take what's yours, if you'll give it up. This will also mean that you're going to have some hard decisions about who will remain in your life. If the 'takers' cannot stop and be decent self sufficient human beings you'll have to cut loose of them. Some people of value may be cut loose, and in the end, it'll probably be better for both of you that way.
This book has been pretty good - https://www.amazon.com/Treat-Your-Back-Robin-McKenzie/dp/0987650408/ref=sr_1_3?crid=VCFBPVK1RDX8&keywords=treat+your+own+back&qid=1566594860&s=gateway&sprefix=treat+your+o%2Caps%2C168&sr=8-3
A friend had serious back trouble in her early 30s. She says this book helped immensely. That and yoga.
Stretch, strengthen your abs and get better shoes for concerts.
I also would suggest reading some of the great books on seduction and game. Also try to be patient and remember you're still young. You have the rest of your 20s and things will click eventually.
I would start with this one: https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
You're a "nice guy". Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and stop it. Just fucking stop it already. What's your problem? Why can't you stop? Because you're a nice guy.
My grandparents. I found To Our Children's Children at a bookstore ages ago and thought it looked like un. It's basically a book full of questions about a person's life, childhood, school, dating, marriage, work, etc. What I did was, over the course of...a long time, I can't remember how long, I would email them three of the questions, then they could write up however much of an answer they wanted to and email it back, then I'd email the next three, and so on. Then once we had finally gone through all of the questions, I formatted them and printed them out and made a book out of the answers for each of them. It was pretty interesting. I tried getting my parents and my other grandparents to do it too, but they weren't really interested.