(Part 2) Best products from r/AskMenOver30

Counseling with a professional and doing side work on your own while you are in counseling.

It will take time and it will be hard, but it will produce results.

Psychologists have all different kinds of education, degrees, professional experience, and specialties. They also vary in natural talent and how their personality interacts with yours can make a big difference on how effective they are for you. You need to give any given professional several months for a fair trial, but if one doesn't work for you don't give up, just try another. It would be wrong to conclude that counseling doesn't work because you were paired up with someone who wasn't right for you.

As far as things you can do on your own to supplement the work you do with a counselor, you can try these things

1. Get into good shape
   
   
2. Take a martial arts class. The combination of learning a skill, interacting with other people, and sparring will give you a huge confidence boost.
   
   
3. Read "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It is a self help book for cognitive therapy, which has been tested to be more effective than many drugs for various mental health things. It is based on the idea that your emotions & behavior are the result of what you think. Change what you think to be more rational and realistic, and you difficult emotions become less difficult. It is to emotional health what toothpaste and floss are to your dental health. It is your daily self care.
   
   
4. Get a copy of "Intimate Connections" by Dr. David Burns, same author. Cognitive therapy applied to dating.
   
   
5. Get a copy of "No More Mr Nice" by Dr. Robert A. Glover. It deals directly with men who have too much of a need for validation from women and how to overcome it.
   
   
6. Get a copy of Stumbling Around Naked In The Dark. A guide for how to handle yourself with women that is for grownup men that isn't based on stupid tricks.
   
   
7. Learn to meditate and do it everyday as a relaxation exercise. It will make you more relaxed overall and confident ( takes a long time ) which will help when it comes time to try something different.
   
   I think you have reason to be optimistic.
   
   Part of success is knowing which paths lead nowhere.
   
   Your judgment is already good enough to avoid groups that are based on complaining about others or retreating from life.
   
   Good luck!
   
   I wish you the best!
   
   
   

Learn to meditate and do it daily; and find a good therapist and see them regularly. As has been mentioned, these questions are good ones to talk over with a therapist.

I've found the combination of meditation and therapy to be very good at increasing self-love and letting go of self-hatred and wanting to please others. Meditation helps you get to know yourself, and be able to tolerate discomfort and feel your feelings without needing to react or blame. It's a practice and it takes time and effort, like going to to the gym, but for self-love - but even 5 minutes a day does amazing things.

Therapy (talk therapy with a psychotherapist, hypnotherapy, or mindfulness-centered therapy) helps you understand yourself better and you and your therapist can create healing experiences that heal emotional trauma and wounds - lack of self-love often comes from emotional wounds you may not even know you have. It helps with finding your power within.

Meditation - most Buddhist centers will teach you for free and have regular classes or retreats to deepen your practice. You don't have to be a Buddhist or convert to Buddhism to do it. There are Shambhala centers in most major world cities where you can get free instruction; the Insight Meditation Society is also a good option. Reading about meditation helps (any books by Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness is one of my favorites. Jack Kornfield is another great author and meditator who talks about loving yourself, A Path With Heart is another favorite of mine), but there's no substitute for actually doing it.

Therapy systems that have worked for me have been Hakomi somatic psychotherapy and Wellness hypnotherapy - therapists run in tribes and these two places train therapists that helped me. There are lots of different therapists and modalities. You may have to try a few to find one that works for you. It paid off for me- I'm a lot happier, healthier, and have more self-love for seeing a therapist.

Loving yourself is an inside job - not something that will happen overnight, but a lifelong journey, a path of growth.

Congratulations for taking the first steps on it!

If I am not getting your point, I am sorry. Your description of your concerns is a bit vague to me, and I am trying to answer.

>This means cutting down on the travel, random hobbies, sleeping in and other things that have characterized my twenties.

I think that this is a wise observation. To me, spending a large amount of resource to figure out who you are is one of characteristic of twenties, a part of a phase, not your life is all about. This phase could be much more fun compared to the following phase of actually making efforts to become who you are. And, some people treat the transition from twenties to thirties like the end of their lives, but I do not think that way.

>reassurance

Nobody can assure you about your future and you indeed do not need to be assured. Most likely, your problem is not the future but your anxiety about it. And, having anxiety is very common and there are treatments! Dare could be a good book for you. Although the book may not appealing to you until you obtain internal locus of control, I mention anyway. It took me a very long time to work on my external locus of control.

>I won't be super successful in my twenties

Why? Stop thinking about the past and the future and setting your expectations. That is a step to depression. Your life is a problem nobody faced. It is impossible to calculate expected values when you do not have a defined problem and complete table of outcomes.

> Robert Greene's Mastery

I have not read this book, but if you like the subjects of expertise and deliberate trainings, I recommend these books (Copied from my another thread):

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

The book is about the subject of deliberate training and explains how spending a long time on specific kinds of training develops your skills. Not a research paper, and the tone of book is casual. Many pages are about the author and people around her, and those explained the motivation of studies about the subject and added real life examples to apply those studies, for example, to parenting. In general, the book is hopeful to motivate you to start training towards your goal.

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise

Another book is about the subject of deliberate training. I recommend you to read this book after Grit. This book is more like a research paper. The tone of this book is drier than Grit but the book contains the details of the studies and advises you how, when and how much you should practice.


>having a five year plan for the future seems like an impossibly long timeline

Probably impossible if you mean that you make a plan to follow for 5 years. Planning is like calculus. You need to know what to do right now, assuming as if you are going to do it forever, then you immediately update your plan once you have feedback from what you did right now, and you will be in a different place from where you thought to be yesterday. Having routines and a day plan for today helps me a lot.

At last, this is a common advice about jobs/ career I like.

"Do not pick a job to help people. Pick a job that you can do well and help the most."

Learning to be patient is a great start! Wish you the best :)

I can offer my opinion from the other side of things. My wife cheated on me and I found out through her phone and emails. It hurt. A fucking lot. It felt like I was stabbed in the heart. But we survived and I can honestly say our marriage is better than before. It took a lot of fucking work to get here but we did it.


If you want to save your marriage, you will have to be an open book and be honest. Her trust in you is shot. And part of the way to rebuild that is to get everything in the open. No secrets.

My brain went nuts after the affair and I was like your wife. I wanted to know where, why, how, etc. and she eventually told me everything. It did put me at ease a bit because she was honest about the whole thing and truly did show repentance. That was big for me, it showed she did care and knows she made a helluva mistake. For me, if I didn't see that we wouldn't be together today.

That goes against what others have said in this thread and I see their points, but IMO airing things allows both of you to move on. It will take her longer but you will have to be patient.

Therapy. I can't stress this enough. If you haven't made the appointment, why? The therapy will allow both of you to talk things through. And the nice thing is there will be someone there who will keep things civil.

One other thing I might offer is to check out the book, The 5 Love Languages. It was recommended to us. It's very short and helped my wife and I re-address our relationship and be feel valued through different actions, etc.

Good luck.

Check out a Merkur safety razor (https://www.amazon.com/Merkur-Long-Handled-Safety-Razor/dp/B000NL0T1G) and a sample blade pack from amazon.

Get an inexpensive shaving brush to start with to see how you like it, but eventually drop more money on a nice brush. Spend $10-$15 to start then expect to drop $50+ on a nice pure badger hair brush in a few months. The badger brush that I bought for like $70 I still have with me 4-5 years later (although admittedly I don't shave terribly often). Once you get that pricey brush, get a cheap plastic holder for it as well - keep the bristles pointing down instead of up - after using it leaving them facing upwards allows the water to settle around the base and weaken the glue holding in the bristles, ultimately destroying your expensive brush. Not good.

Check out Proraso soaps in a bowl - more convenient than paste or anything else, I've found. They have multiple types, here's my favorite as it makes my face a little tingly: https://www.amazon.com/Proraso-Shaving-Soap-Refreshing-Toning/dp/B00837YY18

If you prefer your own bowl, Proraso makes a paste and you can get a mug or bowl to mix it in - I found I preferred the ready-to-go stuff as it's faster and makes it more likely I'll shave regularly. :)

Then, after you've done all that and realized it's the best shave you've ever done and it's actually way more fun to shave than you ever thought it'd be, go for a straight razor. Don't do an actual blade, strop, and all that stuff right away. Instead, just go get a disposable straight razor blade holder and some blades: https://www.amazon.com/Equinox-Professional-Straight-Single-Blades/dp/B0118BJ0PA and learn how to use that thing. Then if you're like me and shave once every week or two (super lazy!) you can literally take weeks of beard off in a single pass with a straight razor and a fresh blade. I stopped here, personally, didn't go on to a full straight razor as they're pricey and you need to maintain it (oil, strop, etc) - likely something I'd let slide and ultimately wish I hadn't spent the money on...

Also, get a styptic pencil: https://www.amazon.com/Woltra-Styptic-Pencil-Small-0-25/dp/B000EGIEOE - it stings a bit when you cut yourself but almost immediately stops the bleeding. Unlike cuts/nicks with a multiblade razor, cuts with a safety razor or straight razor are actual "cuts" - and they bleed like cuts. Like, "blood trickling down your face" type cuts. They look worse than they are because you have water on your face and it thins the blood and it runs more, but it bleeds. This will stop that bleeding really fast at the expense of a little more pain right up front. I keep one handy.

I've turned several friends on to at least the safety razor. It's way more fun to shave that way, less expensive, and is better for your skin to boot. If you like a really close shave, too, you can get a better shave overall with a 3-pass technique (I don't do that, personally) as you get better. All sorts of options...

edit: mentioned the brush holder
edit2: styptic pencil

The book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty changed my outlook on dating, and has really made a difference in how I approch it. I also got a lot out of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as far as recognising my own needs and those of my partners.

Good luck with the meds, it can be life changing to finally find something like that out.

Carl Hiaasen- The downhill lie.

Carl typically writes trashy "read on the beach during vacation" fiction. However this is a non-fiction account of his own struggles with midlife, his relationship with his father, and loss all tangled in the metaphor of trying to play Golf again.


It's comical, sweet, and intelligent in its honesty. Carl just has this way with words that captivates, I guess years of writing trashy novels helped him find a voice, and when he switched to real content it was perfect.




I read it in 2 days, when in a bit of a crisis of faith about 10 years ago. I was around 24, and the target audience is the 35-45 crowd but the lessons were perfect for what I needed at the time. 10/10 would recommend.

I hate the word "annoyed" used on a situation like this. It sounds so condescending. Don't marry like this.

Both of you, read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. Also, take the 5 Love Languages Online Quiz or Downloadable PDF

He has another one called The Memory Book that's available on kindle for $10.99 and covers the same material. I bought a copy of Memory Mastery at Barnes & Noble from their discount rack and wouldn't pay $40 for it.

Harry Lorayne is very big on the Link and Peg Methods for memory. Both are very effective, very easy to learn and once you start practicing it's hard to turn off. It's pretty versatile so how you end up using it is up to you and you're only limited by your imagination.

Therapy, mainly. You also need to try to understand the position of your parents a bit, depending on your situation.

My dad was a quiet guy, worked a lot, didn't do much for father-son relationships. Largely absent in my life.

When I grew older, I realized he was beat as a kid all the time. His dad bought him a chick for easter, then made him slaughter it several months later and eat it. He doesn't eat chicken to this day.

His dad was an angry drunk man.

In his eyes, he probably gave me the childhood he always wanted. Not beating your kids and not getting angry and not getting drunk all the time...was probably a childhood dream of his.

To him, my childhood was probably paradise. To me, it was lacking compared to other dads I see out there.

Edit: It should also be noted that I am never having kids. I never had the drive and I realize how much it would take for me to raise a child well and it's just not worth it to me. I'm sure childhood may have something to do with this...maybe not.

I'd also recommend people read "Unequal Childhoods" if you're curious about your upbringing, especially if you were lower middle class (like I was) and end up in solid to upper middle class later in life.

https://www.amazon.com/Unequal-Childhoods-Family-Update-Decade/dp/0520271424

A lot of it focuses on how people with less money view children as children and not as small people with the ability to reason and understand as an adult human, to some degree. It's really interesting.

Just for Men "Shampoo". Much more economical than buying single use dye kits. VERY easy to use, and much more gradual than dying also. $8 lasts 1-2 months.

Once or twice a week, use this shampoo as part of your regular shower. Then rinse it out and use your regular shampoo/conditioner to get the chemicals out. Don't let it get on your fingernails (impossible), just make sure to rinse the suds off ASAP after lathering. I have no issues with discoloration. I leave it in for the duration of my shower, 5-10 minutes. The instructions say 1 minute???

If you have black hair, get the version where no color is mentioned (neon green).https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01M7ZQQ3G/

If you have medium brown, get the blond/medium brown (yellow)https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B078NFLNQF/
EDIT: This use case scenario blends in really well. I'd recommend trying this even if you were black haired.

My wife got me a lumbar support for my desk chair similar to this one

https://www.amazon.com/LoveHome-Balanced-Firmness-Designed-Computer/dp/B00D5J7SL2/

It makes so much of a difference since I have back issues. I love it so much, she got me a similar one for my car seat

I've had a pair of Clarks Touareg Vibe Oxfords for 10+ years and they have been great. I wore them daily in an office for 4 or 5 years and then switched to a job to where I'm at home most days, so they haven't been worn as much the past 4 or 5 years. I've treated the leather a couple of times and finally started wearing through the insole a few months ago, but I can easily just replace that and they'll keep going.

​

They are these in brown https://www.amazon.com/CLARKS-Touareg-Black-Leather-D-Medium/dp/B0131WKPQ2/ref=asc_df_B0131WMAL0/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312809325061&hvpos=1o40&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13522727899104423009&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1026082&hvtargid=pla-569563163500&th=1&psc=1

There's a book about this very topic and a few closely related topics Unequal Childhoods. It examines in great detail a whole bunch of aspects of lives of about 8-10 year old kids from middle class, working class and poor families. So it's a LOT of text and it's much easier to digest in audiobook format.

I haven't finished it yet and don't want to offer you a summary, but rest assured that all the pros and cons of all kinds of approaches are discussed. It's given me a lot of food for thought on how I want to approach the same situation you are in.

If you can go a bit more casual than strictly shoes, I've been loving my Altama's, since doing research on low profile sneakers that will last a long time. Highly recommended. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B074PVP5DS/

I have had a Merkur safety razor for about 5 years now. It's $22 on amazon. You can buy replacement blade packs online as well. I can usually find them in packs of 10-20 blades for roughly a dollar a blade.

https://www.amazon.com/Merkur-Long-Handled-Safety-Razor/dp/B000NL0T1G

Three Body Problem Trilogy by Cixin Liu. Link is for first book:

https://www.amazon.com/Three-Body-Problem-Cixin-Liu/dp/0765382032/ref=sr_1_1?crid=XPRZ0BKYWBX6&keywords=three+body+problem&qid=1557605024&s=gateway&sprefix=Three+body%2Caps%2C531&sr=8-1

You won't regret it. Read the original edition if you know some Chinese.

*Edit*

I'm an active reader of SFs but I'm not that into the traditional ones that read more or less like a history book (think Dune, Foundation, etc.).

A great book on the subject: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Some-People-Have-Others/dp/0061789089/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1493739413&sr=1-3&keywords=power

Fellow wrestler and rugby player here. Try reading and practicing the material in The Memory Book by Harry Lorayne. I picked it up years ago and just kept practicing. Now it’s habitual and I do it without really thinking about. Highly recommend it.