(Part 2) Best products from r/AskWomen

Oh I got this. lol. I have traveled pretty extensively both for work and fun so here's what I bring for work:

 

Luggage: 1 carry on hardside + 1 backpack as the "personal item" instead of a purse.

 

• side notes on luggage and what I use: I am a big fan of the samsonite 4 wheel carbonites because they're pretty sturdy and I always choose the one with built in locks. My preferred luggage is always going to have a built in lock, 4 wheels and be a hardside. But hardside isn't for everyone...some prefer soft but I like the expandable hardsides.
  
  If you have the money, I'd invest in Tumi...seriously...the best. A family member who used to have to travel every other week for work bought a Tumi and it has been going strong for 15+ yrs. No joke. My samsonite though has held up very well for well over several dozen trips so it's totally up to you.
  
  
  My backpack of choice is a lesportsac. It's got 3 external pockets and a drawstring and flap over that buckles. It has 3 internal mesh pockets and a zippered pocket inside. I like to shove my purse and stuff in this backpack.
  
  
  For business, I try to have a nice sized clutch that will fit phone, wallet and obvs enough room for business cards. I like an envelope style clutch because they can fit a lot of stuff but compress down very nicely at the bottom of my backpack. I also have a very padded laptop case that I store in my backpack. If you want to get a backpack that is a laptop backpack, that is fine too! And some people even prefer it but I personally don't because I use my backpack for fun too. They make backpacks with removable laptop sleeves, so you could also look into that.
  
  This one is an extra but I also have a makeup train case because I refuse to go anywhere without my arsenal. That gets tucked securely between all my clothes in my hardside but of course, if you don't wear much makeup this is totally optional and you can just get away with a cosmetics bag in your backpack.
  
   
  
  
• Packing wise? I roll my suits and shirts and make sure to stuff socks/hose into the shoulders so when I roll, I'm not messing up the pads. I always make sure to bring at least 2 dust bags to throw my shoes into. I bring 1 pair of black heels because black is timeless and sexy and on the plane, I will wear a pair of practical walking flats also in black or nude. I put my hose/socks into my heels and I pack those first. Then I start placing my rolled clothes around the heels (make sure the heels are in the dust bag...no dirt on clothes please!) Packing cubes are fantastic and if you can afford to get some, I'd look into it. Stick to neutrals that you can re-use if necessary with no one being the wiser (ie: white camisoles, black slacks, jeans) that way you don't have to bring a shit ton and you can just mix and match. I like to have a big blanket scarf because it can double as a blanket on the plane and is super chic for fall/winter. Anywho, rolling is your best friend as well as the Downy Wrinkle Releaser. The moment you get into your hotel, hang up the items you know need to be perfect looking like the suit and your work dresses and spray the de wrinkle spray on the ASAP.
  
   
  
  
• Tips for US TSA: I like to have my liquids in the baggie in my backpack so that it's a quick removal and I'm not rifling through my luggage to pull them out. I also wear tight fitting clothes like yoga pants and a form fitting long sleeve shirt because the TSA agents can pretty much just look at you and know that there's nothing on you and I found they don't get all up in your business as much. Also, if you're wearing a sweater/jacket/scarf make sure those come off and go in the bin. I make sure that unless I absolutely have to wear something else that the shoes I wear are really easy to remove like flats. Remember to remove your laptop from the sleeve and have it go into its own bin! It's not enough to just take the laptop bag out. You gotta take that bad boy out of the sleeve so it's visible and in its own bin.
  
   
  
  
• Extras: Invest in a really really good travel pillow immediately. Seriously. The ones they give you on the plane are shit. And remember what I just said about blanket scarf? Yea...the blankets they give you on the plane suck too. My favorite travel pillow is the TravelRest. It's stupid looking but very compact (it's inflatable) and comfortable AF. Also, don't waste space on over the head earphones unless you are a major audiophile. A good pair of tiny apple buds are more than enough for your music/movie needs.
  
   
  
  If you are flying nonstop, I see no issue in checking your carry on bag if you are inclined but just make sure to factor in like 30+ min for pickup because it can take some time to get your luggage depending on what airport you're at and the size of your flight. If I know I need to be somewhere ASAP, I just stow everything in the overhead bin.
  
   
  
  I think that's everything but who knows...I'm probably missing something lol. And obviously this is just what I would do. You don't have to listen to this at all. lolol

This is an awesome question, and good for you for identifying what you need and reaching out to others. For me, it is so validating and encouraging to hear that I am not the only one struggling with my sense of self-esteem and self-worth, and I hope that you also feel less alone by reading the answers in this thread.

A year ago, my low self-esteem was debilitating.I couldn't work, I was living in state of fear that the people I loved would stop loving me, and I spent a lot of time being disgusted with myself. Today, I am slowly and deliberately learning to love myself more everyday, and I am seeing positive results in my life as a result of my efforts. For instance, my relationships are healthier, I feel anxious less frequently, I feel more competent in my work and hobbies, and I am more willing to take risks. Here are a few practical things that I have worked for me so far:

• Therapy. The first day I walked into my therapist's office, I told her I had anxiety issues. Within 15 minutes of listening to me, she was telling me to go buy a book on self esteem for our next session. Reading that book was like reading a record of my inner life; I couldn't believe how accurate it was. My therapist worked through the book with me and helped me reflect on my thought patterns. I can't afford therapy anymore, but the dozen or so sessions that I went to made a huge difference to me.
  
• Journalling. The process of writing down my thoughts forces me to turn them into logical sentences. This is important for me because a lot of the time, my internal narrative is illogical and not fully formed. Putting those thoughts down on paper helps me look at my thinking more objectively and wholistically. I also do things like make lists of things that I am good at, my positive traits, my accomplishments, etc. Making these lists gives me ammo when I feel bombarded by negative thoughts.
  
• Asking my friends for help. During a particularly low time, I asked my closest friends to write me a letter about why they liked me, ways I inspire them, etc. I read these letters regularly, which means that I remember their words when I feel low.
  
• Learning about Psychology. Learning about how my brain works, both physiologically and psychologically, has helped me look at my self-esteem more scientifically.
  
• Practice. This is the most important thing. Just like any skill, you've got to put in the time if you want to see results. This doesn't happen overnight. Whatever you do to help you love yourself and think more realistically (yoga, journalling, meditating, relaxation, reading, exercise, etc), do it regularly. Behaviours leading to unhealthy self-esteem are habits, and you've got to work to override those habits. The best way is to train your brain when you feel good so that you are stronger for when you feel low.
  
  Be patient with yourself, and take the time to find things that help you individually. Building new, awesome life-long habits takes a lot of work. The progress can feel really slow--I know it sure does for me. However, it's totally doable and lots of people have made this happen for themselves. You can do it! Here are some resources that have helped me so far:
  
  Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem. The book I read in therapy.
  
  The Upward Spiral. For learning about how your brain works. Highly recommend.
  
  You are a Badass. Quirky encouragement.
  
  The Gifts of Imperfection. Lots of practical advice in here.
  
  Excel at Life While this site is ugly and disorganized, the content is quality.
  
  The Power of Vulnerability TED talk by Brene Brown
  
  The Healing Power of Self Compassion A podcast about the science of self-compassion.
  
  
  Thanks for reading my giant post-- I'm really passionate about self esteem :) And as a general call-out: I don't know many other people who struggle with self esteem and self compassion, so if anybody wants message back and forth and talk about it, I'd love that :)

OK, this post is going to look like a series of ads but I promise that neither me nor anyone I know works for these companies; these are just products I love and wouldn't fly without.

Carry-on items: generally you're allowed one carry-on bag and one "personal item" (generally a non-luggage bag) so I always travel with a laptop backpack as my main carry-on and a big, soft, zippered tote as my personal item. I used to have this travel bag with a zillion pockets but it got to be such a pain trying to remember which pocket had which item it got stupid. Now with a big tote, I can just drag it out from under the seat, open it wide, and pull out one of the...

Packing cubes: Godsend. I buy them from ebags in various sizes, using the big ones for clothing in the pack, and the little ones in my tote. I use different colored ones in the tote for different things. Green for snacks, red for electronics, and blue for comfort items. Since all the small, easily jumbled items are in smaller bags, they're less likely to get lost in the bottom of my big bag. I try to keep my electronics cube better organized by using...

Gear ties: these are like durable, reusable twist ties for things like cords, cables, handfuls of hair elastics, anything you want to keep bundled up and untangled. When I want to use something like my earbuds or a charging cable, I just twist the tie around my tote handle so it won't get lost. Some of the items also in my electronics cube are:

Plug adapter (international travel, I have one for every country I'm hitting, even if it's just an airport stop - one 14-hour stranding in the Hong Kong airport overnight taught me that lesson.)

Compact multi-outlet power strip which can make you new best friends in airports and make the stupidly-configured power outlets in hotel rooms actually workable.

Four-port USB charger: one of these means I only need one outlet to charge my phone, tablet, e-book, and my...

Portable power bank: nothing sucks more than a long flight when all your electronic entertainment doodads have run out of juice. My power bank can charge my phone fully 3+ times and is about the same size as the phone itself.

Onto the comfort items! Some of them go into a packing cube in my tote, others are larger so they're separate.

Disinfecting wipes: I like these because they're individually wrapped and good for both hands and surfaces. First thing I do when I get onto a germ-factory airplane is wipe down my armrests and tray table. Also great for public restrooms when you find out there's no soap.

Filtering water bottle: in many cities around the world, airport bottled water is crazy expensive, and water bottle filling station water is, in a word, nasty. I can attach this bottle to my tote with a carabiner and the filter makes most municipal water taste at least halfway decent.

Travel pillow: personal preference but this one is my favorite. My husband prefers a memory foam donut one but I find it heavy and bulky and not supportive in the right way. The Travelrest rolls up to a compact shape and inflates in seconds.

Soft, layered clothing: I wear yoga pants, a sports bra, a t-shirt, a light drape cardigan and slip-on shoes. The only thing remotely binding I wear is...

Light compression socks: actually my pair is just a regular pair of knee socks in the Nordstrom house brand that I keep snug by only wearing them for flights and handwashing them so they don't lose their elasticity. No matter how often I get up and move around during a long flight I'll get puffy ankles if I don't wear snug socks. Over those, once I'm in my seat I put on...

Fuzzy slipper socks. My feet freeze on planes but I don't like wearing my shoes for that long. Even though I don't think my shoes smell, if I get the stinkeye from a neighbor, I put my shoes into a plastic bag, otherwise I can usually get them off and hide them under the seat in front of me before my seat mates arrive to my row. Because I get so cold on flights I also wear/carry a...

Pashmina or other large scarf: works as a fashion accessory, blanket, pillow, and a don't-talk-to-me barrier when worn like a hood. Also covers up that spot where you spilled your coffee on yourself because you had to be at the airport at 5:30 a.m.

Sleeping mask: slap one of these on, engage your (preferably noise-canceling) headphones, lean into your travel pillow, cuddle up under your scarf and try to forget you're rocketing 35K feet over the planet in a big metal tube.

Single-use toothbrushes: I love those little Wisp toothbrush things - I usually keep them in my handbag or work desk for those oh-shit-here-comes-the-CEO-and-I-just-had-a-grande-latte moments, but they're also great for a little freshening up on a plane or in an airport without needing to get out your actual toiletries.

Moisturizers: because plane air is so drying this includes travel-sized lotion, face moisturizer, and lip balm. So much lip balm. I like Aquaphor myself.

Snacks: be nice to your fellow travelers and keep your snacks non-smelly, quiet especially if it's an overnight flight, and not too messy. I like to bring things like clementines, Babybel cheese, trail mix, chocolate covered nuts, or granola bars. Gum is good for takeoffs and landings. If you're prone to motion sickness, candied ginger is great.

Have a comfortable flight!

I try to approach it holistically.

First of all (and I credit my background in art and live model drawing for this), if there is anything that celebrity plastic surgery has taught us, it's that erasing wrinkles does not equal a youthful-looking face. Nicole Kidman's face hasn't moved in 20 years, but does she still look 25? No. But look at Helen Mirren or Meryl Streep, they have wrinkles--are they ugly? Heck no.

We will all age and get wrinkles, that's inevitable. But the key to looking good at any age is to have your face reflect your vitality and good health. Botoxing all your wrinkles away will not make you look young, or even good.

1. Take care of your skin.
   
2. Take care of your body. Whatever you weigh is your business, but no matter what you weigh, you can still eat vegetables, take vitamins, hydrate, and exercise. You should lift weights to maintain bone density and good muscle tone, you should stretch to maintain your flexibility, you should do cardio to maintain your endurance and heart health. It might not seem like it now, but things like sciatica, bad joints and high blood pressure come about in part because of our long periods of immobility. MOVE.
   
3. Do what you can to address stress every day. Take 10 minutes to do something as simple as sit with your eyes closed and calm your mind. Meditate, if that interests you. Get massages to work the tension out of your muscles. Stress is a killer. It ages the shit out of you. It's not just about relaxing and taking your mind off things, but make a concerted point of clearing your mind and calming yourself, breathing deeply and paying attention to your body.
   
4. As an addendum to #3, get off the outrage generators. Are you like me, where you tend to spend a lot of time on sites where people say a lot of stupid shit and you can't help getting pissed off about the unfairness of it all? Just do yourself a favor and hit that red X. Disengage. Easier said than done, I know.
   
5. Get as much sleep as you need, as often as you can. Yes, there will be days where you have to go to work on 3 hours of sleep or even pull an all-nighter. But sleep is the ultimate repair time and your body needs it. There have been studies about how even "making up" for lost sleep by sleeping in another day doesn't really have the same benefit as getting enough sleep every night. If you have problems sleeping, address them. Set a bedtime. Take the TV out of the bedroom, turn off your electronic devices and get off the Internet at least an hour before (LCD effect). It's a good time to get in some night-time stretches and do that 10 minutes of mind-clearing I talked about, too.
   
6. Get a high-quality, but simple hygiene regimen and stick to it. Yes, sometimes you just want to go to bed without taking your makeup off or brushing your teeth. Do it anyway.
   
7. Speaking of brushing teeth, do it. A flossing a day keeps the root canal away. You might be able to get away with being slapdash about your dental hygiene when you're 25, but at 45 you have 20 years of slapdash coming home to roost in the form of expensive dental bills. And having shitty teeth at 45 means another 20-30 years of shitty teeth, and you are going to feel really stupid if you end up with meth mouth at 45 because you didn't put in your time with the Colgate. Just take the dang two minutes, and brush and floss.
   
   All right, those are the things everyone can do starting tonight.
   
   Now these are the things I do that are specifically appearance-related. I am certainly not opposed to judicious use of Botox and such, but frankly, that shit's really expensive, there's a certain amount of risk regarding finding qualified professionals and good products, and I would prefer to find cheaper, less invasive ways of achieving the same effect whenever possible.
   
   These are the things I have found to provide the biggest bang for the buck in basically bringing the aging process to a glacial crawl:
   
   
8. Avoid the sun. Duh. Start young.
   
9. Chemical peels. Removes sun damage: age spots, fine lines, rough skin, enlarged pores. I buy mine here. I use a glycolic peel once a month or so to keep my skin fresh, and every year or two I do a series of TCA peels to really maximize my skin regeneration.
   
10. Frownies. You know how Botox works by paralyzing the muscles in your forehead? (or wherever you get it injected) These are basically stickers that you put on your face while you sleep, and keep you from flexing those muscles. I know it sounds like total snake oil, but I swear by these things. I am a habitual frowner (even in my sleep). As you age, you lose the ability to relax certain muscles in your face--that's a lot of what causes dynamic wrinkles like frown lines. Frownies help you regain that ability by forcing your face to relax, and enabling you to "remember" how to relax them consciously and unconsciously. They are, of course, not permanent--your face is not frozen, it's not a 24/7 effect like Botox, but it can make a significant difference, and at $18 a box (which lasts at least a month--I get 35 days out of mine) it's pennies on the dollar compared to Botox. Sure, they look a little stupid, but so what? You wear them while you sleep.
    
11. Copper peptide serum. I'm a little torn on including this step because it's really kind of hard for me to quantify how well it works. What CP serum does is promote cellular regeneration and collagen growth. It is especially useful after chemical peels because it helps with healing and scar prevention, and the formation of new skin. But how can I tell if it's working? Well...I'm 41 years old and my skin still has a very youthful "spring" and texture to it. Most of my peers seem to have skin that's starting to look a little crepey, dry or dull, but mine doesn't. It still has a youthful glow. (It's hard to describe but you definitely know it when you see it.) So, I'm including it because the quality and texture of my skin is still exactly the same (if not better) as it was 10 years ago. Which seems like "it's not doing anything" but actually, if that's the result, then it really must be working! In any case, it's pretty cheap--a 1 oz bottle costs $28 and lasts at least a year because you only use a few drops at a time.
    
12. Facial toning exercises. I use this program, Ageless If You Dare. I ran across it years ago when the creator first put it together (I was part of a skin care community that she was also on), but I wasn't convinced about whether or not facial toning exercises did anything, so I never got into it until recently. Then, I just really noticed that my Frownies weren't working as well as they used to, and my nasolabial folds were looking more prominent and I just looked more saggy and tired. I was to the point where I wondered whether it was time to hop on the Botox wagon after all. But then I remembered Ageless and decided that I may as well waste $35 before I start wasting $350.
    
    Now, the thing about facial toning is that it is basically a workout program for your face. That means that you have to do it a few times a week and that results are not instant, just like any workout. I liked Ageless because the creator took the most effective components from other programs she had tried, and distilled them into a short, but very effective program of her own. The bottom line is that you basically spend 20 minutes 2-3 time a week doing these exercises, at least for the first several months, until you reach a point where you prefer to maintain and do them once or twice a week.
    
    It took me about 7-8 months for me to reach a point where I felt I could switch to maintenance. These are the results I got: diminished horizontal forehead lines (like you get from raising eyebrows), practically non-existent frown lines (my Frownies once again work so much better), more volume in my forehead so my brow line has a more youthful curve, reduced nasolabial folds, more volume in my cheeks, more definition in my jaw, and more defined cheekbones. It's a subtle difference, but the end result is that I actually look younger than I did 5 years ago because I restored the volume and contours that I had lost.
    
    So my skin care routine is:
    
    Morning:
    
13. Wash face with non-soap cleanser
    
14. Moisturize with a few drops of jojoba (my skin is oily so I don't need much)
    
    Night:
    
15. Remove makeup
    
16. Wash face and exfoliate if needed
    
17. Apply copper peptide serum
    
18. Apply generous amount of jojoba oil
    
19. Apply small amount of benzoyl peroxide (I'm prone to breakouts)
    
20. Apply Frownies
    
21. Do facial exercises twice a week.
    
    Simple, takes about 5 minutes. Do a light peel once a month or so as schedule permits. Facial toning exercises while I read (it doesn't take long to memorize the routine so you don't need to refer to the guide every time).
    
    The best thing about this routine is that it costs very little. Peels are cheap as hell, the facial toning program is just a one-time cost, a bottle of jojoba oil lasts months and costs $8, the copper peptide serum lasts about a year. You might spend $200 on everything for a year's supply. Compare that to, say, one Clarisonic Mia. Or one peel at a dermatologist, or one tube of Strivectin. Or one 3-month shot of Botox.

I'm copying these ideas from another post I made on the thread for a Secret Santa but I think they still apply

• (Lush)[http://www.lushusa.com/Gifts/gifts,en_US,sc.html] has these really cute sets that they are offering for Christmas
  
• You could make like a spa kit? Include some lotions, nail polish, and some slippers.
  
• There are lots of books out now, you could get a fun memoir that almost everyone will like. A couple of good ones are (Mindy Kaling's)[http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Hanging-Without-Other-Concerns/dp/0307886271], (Tina Fey's)[http://www.amazon.com/Bossypants-Tina-Fey/dp/0316056898/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1DKE9VHSE47JT5861QM7], and (Amy Poehler's)[http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Please-Amy-Poehler/dp/0062268341/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=14XX5H3BTB60TZ13GJST]
  
• Another really fun book is Humans of New York which is on sale right now.
  
• Otherwise people always enjoy going to the movies - you could get them a gift card or make a little gift basket; include your favorite movie or one you think they would enjoy and then some popcorn and various candy [http://www.grannastreasures.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/movie-night-gift-basket.jpg]
  
• Pinch Provisions offers some really cute emergency kits [http://www.pinchprovisions.com/]
  
• a perfume set?
  
• a cute mug with a starbucks gift card or some tea Hope this helps!

Oooh ooooh I know! I know!! I did a LOT of work on myself the past two years and have really worked hard on this exact thing. My fear of "what will others think?" led me to SO many poor choices. Not like going to jail or drugs or anything, just... choosing friends & partners who weren't good for me because I didn't believe I could do (or deserved) any better.

It takes a LOT of strength & courage to stand in the face of others' judgement and believe in yourself. But, you can do it. You deserve to be happy, to believe in yourself, to be proud of who you are.

I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend you read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352

And then this one: http://www.amazon.com/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

How can you not want to read a book titled "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"

And then finally, this one: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733512/


And in addition to that work, I recommend finding hobbies/activities you enjoy. Do you like photography? Running? Weight lifting? Making crafts? Knitting? Reading? Doing hobbies you enjoy - and becoming good at them (or at least, decent) - will also help you feel good about yourself. Join a reading club, a cycling group, a cross-fit (or other fitness) group, a geocaching group, a craft beer or cocktail group, etc... meet others with like interests and geek out on the hobby. People who enjoy the things you do will help you feel good about yourself as well.

I really like romantic comedies but it's so difficult to find good ones because they tend to get lost amongst the serious stuff on kindle. But recently I've stumbled on enough that Kindle's gotten better at recommending them to me, which is great.

I'd recommend the following:

• Wallbanger, a rom-com about two neighbours.
  
• The Island, a steamy drama about two a shipwrecked teacher & student.
  
• The Wishes, more of a general chick-lit comedy, but good none-the-less.
  
• Can You Keep a Secret?, a rom-com about a girl who tells her life story to a stranger when their plane appears to be crashing.
  
• Anything by Nicholas Sparks.
  
• Anything by Marian Keyes, I'm a particular fan of Sushi For Beginners.
  
• Twenty Eight and a Half Wishes. I really rooted for the main character (who predicts her own death).
  
• Eversea, oh my god sooo trashy. It's one of those "small town girl falls in love with famous guy" books but I got way sucked in!
  
• Baby & Bump, sappy new single mother + new love type of book but still a good read
  
  
  The good thing about the Kindle Store is that you can download and read the first few chapters before committing to buying the rest.

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.

TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.

Hi, I would definitely advise you to stop using antibiotics to treat UTIs. The reason is simple. Yes with the use of antibiotics, you are going to get better. But and a big BUT what happens when it recurs? And it will eventually. People tend to take another round of antibiotics and another without realizing the dangers you are exposing yourself to by taking all those antibiotics.

Try going the natural way. By this I mean manage a healthy lifestyle:

1. Drink lots of water
   
   
2. reduce caffeine, alcohol and smoking
   
   
3. Start using probiotics
   
   
4. D-Mannose
   
   
5. hibiscus Extracts
   
   
6. Boost your intake of vitamin C'
   
   
7. Try using natural supplements: A good recommendation will be Harmony by Eu Natural. It is made completely from natural herbal extracts like those that I mentioned, vitamins and minerals. and very highly recommended. https://www.amazon.com/HARMONY-D-Mannose-Fast-acting-Protection-Impurities/dp/B016CCG256
   
   ​
   
   Try doing the things I advised and avoid those that I mentioned. Eat healthy food, vegetables, fruits and I guarantee, you will not be needing any antibiotics of any kind

I guess it's "normal" in the sense that there have been other people who have felt this way but I don't think that it's "normal" in the sense that I don't think viewing your 'virginity' as a thing that you 'lost' which makes you less than is a healthy way to think about it.

Virginity is a bullshit concept to begin with. Placing importance on it only sets people up to feel less than for engaging in something perfectly normal and healthy and natural. Having sex when you feel ready is as positive a thing as not having sex when you don't feel ready.

Edit: a day later and i'm still so angry that you have to unlearn 21 years of worth of internalized slut shaming and I feel like maybe I didnt say enough. I grew up Christian and, as a teen, went to all these talks and heard all these speakers talk about how women are either a lamborghini (something prized because having one is rare) or a ford (a car that's heavily advertised, everyone owns, and no one is impressed by) and how we should protect our "treasure" and how disrespectful it is to our future husbands to have sex with anyone but them. These speakers would talk about how we should pity women who felt the need to engage in sex and how holding onto our purity was really something to be proud of. And, shocker, none of that was ever aimed at the dudes in the crowd. (For reference, I'm only 23 so this shit didn't happen that long ago.) Though my parents never fed me any of that kind of shit/we're as sex positive as they could be with a teen who didn't want to talk to their parents about sex and I thank the universe every day that I escaped those years without buying into that stuff. I'm not saying you were militant about it or that you were trying to wait until marriage, but you obviously bought into some of that and those ideas can be really hard to escape- and they're hurting you. It's really really toxic for those ideas to be perpetuated. They lead to so much judgement and shaming and pain and confusion that can be completely done without. I remember feeling liberated when I had sex for the first time- glad to do away with a label that I felt like people were putting so much unnecessary importance on.

I highly suggest you read The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession With Virginity Is Hurting Young Women by Jessica Valenti. And maybe from there, some other sex-positive writing.

I haven't had Botox yet because although I have no objections to the idea, I don't really want to spend $1000-1500 a year to keep it up. So, these are the solutions for minimizing dynamic wrinkles in the forehead that I have found to be most effective:

1. Not frowning. I know that seems like a huge duh, but seriously. Dial up your awareness a bit and catch yourself frowning, and stop. I am a habitual frowner and this actually went quite a ways for me.
   
   
2. Once I hit my 30s I discovered I could no longer relax those muscles fully, so in addition to trying not to frown, I started using Frownies. Laugh all you like, I know they sound like complete snake oil, and yes, you look a little stupid while wearing them, but they really do work. They're basically water-activated stickers that you put on your face and they physically keep your facial muscles from moving. I'm a sleep-frowner too and these helped me regain the ability to consciously relax those muscles.
   
   
3. Facial toning exercises. Again, sounds like bullshit, but to my surprise they really work. It does take some time and discipline--I had to do them 2-3 times a week for about 4-5 months to see a big difference, but I saw it. Most of the effects are subtle (the kind of thing only you would notice, but everyone else just thinks you had a good night's sleep) but in my forehead, especially, I had fairly prominent temples and, despite the Frownies, some noticeable frown lines and horizontal furrows. In the rest of my face, my nasolabial lines (from nose to mouth) were deeper, my forehead was bonier and showed my facial furrows more easily, and my cheeks had lost volume. The facial toning exercises reversed 90% of it. I had more wrinkles at 37 than I do now at 41, and basically it looks like I haven't aged in 10 years.
   
   Best of all, the Frownies cost $16 a pack (lasts almost 2 months), the facial toning program was $30 (obviously I can do it in perpetuity now that I know how, so that's a one-time cost) and I can still move my face naturally.
   
   It isn't going to give you a totally wrinkle-free face if you already have wrinkles, and it won't reshape your brow line like Botox can do (although a lot of people seem to end up with Nicole Kidman face which is not a winning look) but if you're young enough to catch it early or before it begins, it sure would keep you from getting any for a decade or so, and all for pennies on the dollar that Botox costs.

I had always been a bit of a fan of Ashley Judd- I don't think that I ever saw any movies just because she was in them, but I liked her. And then I read her memoir: All That Is Bitter and Sweet:=, and it really is one of the most honest books that I've ever read, and a real eye-opener as to her work, her passions, her struggles with her own grief and dysfunctional family patterns, and her advocacy for women and children.

She's actually one of my role models now. I admire her for her courage in talking about her rehab process- it's not just "I went to rehab for 40 days and I got all better"...she really goes into the process of healing.

I admire her for her really tireless work in advocating for women and children, especially in under serviced parts of the world. Which isn't just flying out for a few photo ops or 'raising awareness'- she went back to school at Harvard and got a Masters in Public Administration, so that she could be more useful in terms of administration, advocacy, working within systems etc. And I really love the piece she wrote about the conversation in society about women's bodies, after she showed up in public 'puffy' and was ripped apart for it.

So I'm a fangirl now :-) If you're at all interested in her, poke around her website for a bit.

I clear 6 figures and have for a decade; I still have stuff that could be upgraded (though we didn't do much of that in connection with our wedding.)

I'd put down a list of the things that are kind of luxuries but really nice to have.

Examples from my food gadgets (stuff I actually have and use, have upgraded, and that isn't quite 100% standard):

• ThermaPen. The gadget you had no idea you needed, but that makes steaks oh-so-much better. (I use this much more than my sous vide.)
  
• KitchenAid bowl-lift mixer. The professional grade stuff rather than the consumer grade; the rightmost in the list here
  
• Quality gas grill. I use the Weber Q200 (now Q2000), should have splurged the extra $20 on the Q220 (now Q2200), but oh well. Still something I use a lot, and worth the extra cost compared to the high number of low quality grills I've had in the past. (I still also have several charcoal grills; worth getting a good one of those as well.)
  
• Quality drip coffee machine. I use a Moccamaster; still brilliant coffee after 20 years. I've applied a little bit of superglue to fix a broken plastic part (would have cost $18 or so for a replacement), apart from that no problems.
  
• Quality food scales. After having a set of food scales my mom got me as a gift for 15 years or so, they finally broke down and I bought the best-reviewed ones on Amazon.co.uk - the Heston Blumenthal Dual Precision by Salter (amazon.co.uk has much more reviews and a lower price). This made a large difference - these are much better to use than the old ones.
  
• Stackable bowls. I have 10 large and 10 small metal bowls where each type stack exactly on top of each other without using much space, standard for professional kitchens. Really, really convenient. The upgrade for these is getting something with non-slip bottoms (which I've not done.)
  
• Replace all cutlery with a standard type. We had a bunch of different ones, which worked, but it's more pleasant to have all of one type and throw out (donate to a school sale) the mismatched ones.
  
  I'm still wishing for a high quality coffee grinder; it's just a bit expensive for an impulse buy. I use a bunch of the cheap ones for spice grinding (where they work fine), but for coffee grinding you need consistent grind size and the cheap ones won't give that.
  
  I'm also kind of wishing for an instant pot; everybody's raving about it but I feel that the things we have work fairly well and it's not clear that the extra features would be worth it.
  
  While a lot of people rave about sous vide cooking, I find that I don't use my sous vide that much. In particular, I feel that steaks (which people seems to love using it for) comes out much better in cast iron with Heston Blumenthal's turn-every-15-s method and careful temperature control using the ThermaPen than in the sous vide.

I live alone in Chicago, in a two-flat with one neighbor above me. I live on the north side but I'm right by Humboldt Park, it can seem less safe than some of the other neighborhoods. We have a security door before getting to my door, but it could be easily kicked in. Literally, sometimes my front door just opens up..if I don't lock my top lock, multiple times my neighbor has called my name like "your front door is open." Nevertheless, I'm not too scared of living alone, mostly because I thrive so much as a person who lives by myself.

For some of the ladies who may not be able to afford just living in a nicer (read: gentrified) neighborhood & isn't a dog person...here's what I do.

​

I take some extra measures to ensure I keep myself safe...piece of mind, ya know:

-My doors are locked at all times, even when I'm in the house.

-I made friends with all of my neighbors, especially the guy who lives upstairs...he checks on me from time to time, has heard me scream out of something very non-threatening and came down to check.

-I have a metal baseball bat right by my bed (like $18)

-I just got a doorknob jammer that's supposed to not be able to be kicked in, haven't installed yet but $19 - https://www.amazon.com/Securityman-Adjustable-Jammer-Sliding-Security/dp/B077X5HY7X/ref=sr_1_15?crid=16ZTTE1VZNAE4&keywords=front+door+security+bar&qid=1563477497&s=gateway&sprefix=front+door+secuir%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-15#customerReviews

-I've met a majority of the cops within my area. I'll bake them cakes from time to time, the closest station is less than a mile away...this is so unnecessary but I love to bake and it gives me peace...can't confirm they would get to my place any faster if anything happens.

​

)

I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and it was awesome for getting my living space in order despite having been written by someone I'd consider insane. The best advice I got from her was 1. to not have tolerance for ambiguous possessions (i.e. stuff you know you won't use and just leave there to take up space for no reason). I purged everything I wouldn't ACTUALLY use and donated it or gifted it. That was great for cutting down immediately on clutter and mess. 2. I assigned a proper place to each possession I had left after the purge. 3. I listened to her tips on efficient storage, so everything fit really well which was just incredibly satisfying to see.

So she recommends making the first tidying up a big event - like you take a whole day and go through everything and get your space just how you want it. Then, you have a goal to aspire to in the future for tidying up - and you'll love your tidy organized space so much you'll want to keep it that way. Now I just clean once a week. It's easy since I know where everything goes now and have a mental sorting strategy with clear rules of what I keep and how.

I'd really really recommend this book by Marie Kondo. In it she details how she completely declutters and reorganises, and it's SUPER useful. I've been really inspired by it, and it even has a (not very active) subreddit - /r/konmari.

I also basically put on the shows How Clean Is Your House or Hoarders or Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners off youtube and the fear makes me scrub harder. Ditto being subscribed to /r/NeckbeardNests. The fact is at some point clutter and uncleanliness becomes embarrassing and even potentially dangerous. I really got started when I realised the dust pooled behind my bed head was causing my boyfriend-at-the-times asthma to go crazy - He ended up losing 30% of his lung function to emphysema for unknown reasons a couple months after we split. I guess I'm also a social person and the thought of having my guests somewhere where they feel revolted isn't a nice feeling.

I'm not perfect, but I unbelievably better. Make a chores list, set an amount of hours per week for cleaning. I like to think a full sized house needs 4 hours of cleaning over the week - roughly 30 minutes a day. Just to do things like clean the toilet bowls or the kitchen hob or sweep. Whatever it is, list it, remind yourself of the consequences, bask in the glow of a job well done, reward yourself, enjoy!

Yes! Earplugs are your best friend at a concert!

Depending on how long you have before the show, I really recommend getting these bad boys. They're absolutely amazing. Your eardrums are protected but you still get great sound quality, unlike other plugs that just mute everything. It's as if someone just turned down the volume slightly, instead of blocking it. They also help when your friends are trying to tell you something by screaming into your ear at a show...it makes it way more tolerable.

I wear them to every show I see and even in loud bars.

edit: Here's a better link... my previous one is for mobile.

I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).

On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.

To be honest I learned a lot from reading She Comes First, the first half of the book is about your anatomy and the second half is about potential approaches you might enjoy :)

Conversely, he made another book for pleasuring the penis called Passionista with a similar layout.


If you like reading about sex, this one is pretty damn good too: Bonk

Reading about sex is fun because you not only do you get to learn more about yourself and/or your partner, but also some fun mechanics and potential exposure to things you might like to try.

Or buy a great $35 bidet and save hundreds on toilet paper! Best DIY quality of life purchase I've made, took 10 minutes. Especially helpful certain times of the month.
Ever get your hands really dirty and try and wipe them clean with a dry paper towel? Didn't think so.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=twister_B00KRO5XLA?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I had a very similar experience. The few exes that tried it weren't good at it and were not into it. I figured it wasn't something I really enjoyed. When my current partner and I first started dating, they read the short book [She Comes First](She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_jbEQybPY0B42K) . In previous relationships they never went down on their partner, I don't know what possessed them to read this book, but talk about a godsend. It's like the planets, stars and comets are all colliding at once when they eat me out. 😍

The Gifts of Imperfecton by Brene Brown. She is a social worker and does research on shame. In the book she focuses on the importance of letting go of your expectations in exchange for happiness. I'm constantly recommending it to friends and rereading it myself. I love that her work is based in real tangible research, it makes it feel like something more than self-help

Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking was nice. It doesn't treat introversion like social anxiety or claim introverts are inherently superior, it just talks about how introverts should try to stick with working styles that work for them instead of forcing themselves to love things like group brainstorming. It also discusses problems introverts have in the current "extrovert idealism" of a lot if workplaces.

She sounds like a classic introvert. Slowness is a strength is a tenet of one of my favorite books Quiet.

Jessica Valenti's The Purity Myth is a really good read. It largely focuses on purity balls and the concept of female sexuality (and how obsessing over virginity actually puts more importance on women as sex objects than just letting them do as they please).

My description doesn't really do the book justice, but it's summed up relatively well if you click the link!

Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. It's the owners manual for female bodies and sexuality.

Covers everything from practical sex info, building healthy relationships, recovering after unhealthy ones, communication, wellness, confidence, self esteem, safety, trauma, and emotional healing. For straight/bi/gay women (and she's working on expanding for transwomen).

Buy him the book "The Five Love Languages." He literally needs the emotional training.

There's a really interesting book, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. It talks about how all people have both a libido accelerator, but also libido brakes. Knowing your brakes can help you to identify how to change your libido.

If you're interested in learning more about why you (and many, many women and men, too) are not usually spontaneously "in the mood," I recommend the book "Come As You Are"! https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Just a plug for The Purity Myth which dismantles that whole phenomenon pretty effectively. Must read material!

Edit to add a relevant quote: “Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can't help themselves not only drives home the point that women's sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men's sexual behavior.”

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine et al.

ISBN-10: 1585429139

ISBN-13: 978-1585429134

Paperback

Kindle

Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_gh8Yzb71WGN90

It was more than $30 though apparently.

Here it is! Really affordable and easy to install.

Male here. As a continuation of this I would like to suggest She comes first as a good place to start.

You should read this book if that comment was helpful to you.

Haven't tried for snoring, but these are the ear plugs I use in general. My ear canal is apparently kid sized and these are the only ones that don't hurt.

[Come as You Are] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GaaDDbFS34M0M)

Seconding [The Gift of Fear] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FMVNX7S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lbaDDbR19JMK2).

Possibly also [Why Does He Do That?] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VbaDDb9AF3FZ4)

The last two are not comforting or warm and fuzzy, but all three of these books can be quite eye opening.

I think for me the most important rule is don't have clutter - it's a lot easier to keep your surroundings clean if it's not full of unnecessary junk. I dust off surfaces, change sheets and vacuum once per week, it takes no more than 10-15 minutes, if that - it's just so easy when everything is in place. I'm not a minimalist or anything, but I just don't have more stuff than I use. I have roommates and we do have a cleaning lady that takes care of the common areas, so this is only my room, but it was the same when I lived alone - don't have unnecessary clutter, wipe down surfaces after I'm done with them and vacuum once per week. Clean or put dishes in dishwasher immediately (life happens, so I have a 24 hr turnaround rule for myself here), a sink full of dirty dishes is disgusting and gives off an immature college kid who has never lived on their own-vibe. But yeah, most importantly, don't own and let unnecessary shit occupy space in your life. You can be the tidiest person in the world, but if you have a lot of useless shit, your place will look dirty because dust will coat itself everywhere no matter how much you try to stay on top of it.

And on a mental note, your home is the space where you live, relax and fuck, not a storage unit for unnecessary junk that you don't use, right? :) Buy or borrow Marie Kondo's book where she explains the process of decluttering and how doing so will make it easier to keep your surroundings clean and organized, and how that in turn will help you (in theory) keep your shit together. Besides, I obviously can't speak for all women, but fuck it, I love guys that keep a tidy and clean space, and the opposite can easily be a dealbreaker depending on severity (like seriously - everybody poops, but seeing lots of skidmarks in the toilet bowl isn't going to make me very turned on or make me want to come back again any time soon no matter how great a guy is otherwise...)

OP answered me above - it's from the book "Come As You Are."

Came here to say this. Her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" straight-up changed my life.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

You might find this book helpful-

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?keywords=attachment+theory&qid=1559238579&s=gateway&sprefix=attachmen&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

• Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
  Here are a few helpful ones:
  Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
  https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
  PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
  Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
  Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
  https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
  A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
  Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
  (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
  
  
• Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)
  
  
• I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!
  
  
• Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)
  
  
• Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.
  
  
• For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.
  
  
• I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.
  
  
• I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/
  
  Okay, that's prob good, right?