Best products from r/BDSMAdvice

We found 58 comments on r/BDSMAdvice discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 169 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.

Top comments mentioning products on r/BDSMAdvice:

u/ParkerColeman · 2 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites (free and great!) (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)


I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace



Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

One of the hardest lessons for new submissives to understand is that Dominants are not mind readers. My husband and I transitioned into D/s together and I remember this struggle all too well. We want to let go of control because that's what turns us on but leave our partner with shoulders shrugged saying, "okay....but now what?" But if we detail what it is we want, it kills the fantasy.

Super common and super easy to fix my friend.

The answer lies in outside of the bedroom hard work and communication.

You guys need to discuss these new interests and fantasies at length in the non-sexy times. Find a BDSM checklist and go through each line together, talking about what is hot (or not) line by line. Keep a copy of answers for reference when things need refreshing in play over time.

Pick something you're both into and start there. Play, try it out. A couple days later, talk about the experience. Encourage each other to be honest because that's how you grow.

Try it out again, improving from the last time based on the new information.

Read together. Research together. Give her a task, such as, "Find 3 articles that you feel represent your interest in submitting" or "find the hottest kink porn you can and write a paragraph detailing what specifically is turning you on about it."

Start turning your preferences into expectations.

Like her in skirts instead of shorts? Tell her so.

Prefer her shaved bare? Let her know.

Like her on top? Demand it.

Your words, not just your body, have power.

You may find these resources helpful:

Here's a great one for her to read:

We've written about our first year transitioning from a vanilla, egalitarian marriage to a kinky D/s one in the book Darling Discovered. I've been told it's helpful for the new Dominant's experience as well.

You can go to and find the book, Darling Discovered: A True Story of Submission, enter the code XM69Z, and receive a free ebook version.

Check out reviews and read a preview here:

It's nominated for Best BDSM Book at 2017 BDSM Writer's Con as well. The manuscript won the non-fiction category in 2015. It's creative non-fiction so it reads like fiction but is a true story.

I hope you find this info useful and I wish you all the best. Write anytime.

u/premedmsbi · 4 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I think that’s probably a lot for a first weekend.

I would say maybe hand cuffs with her wrists together in front or behind her first time. Preferably above her head or something so you can have sex facing her so you can see her reactions.

You could use the vibrating egg on her during that time and “force” (tell) her to keep her legs open to add a more dominant twinge.

If it goes well, you could hand cuff her to the bed. Maybe try sex-appropriate candles (honestly I suggest soy oil massage candles to start) and use that perhaps with ice and cooling or warming lube (on her nipples and nether regions) while she is handcuffed in an X. You could even add ankle cuffs.

After a little bit of experimenting, I would say you both sit down and answer questions on this couples quiz. You should both fill out the comments too!

Keep this in mind - Emotion is the start to good sexual connection. - Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages

So while adding or even just contemplating/considering new sexual activities can spark hormones and increase libido, you need to get a trustworthy introduction to BDSM.... I would suggest this book: Jay Wise’s SM

Order of progression that I would suggest:

  1. hand cuffs and ankle cuffs in positions where you can see her face and see her reaction

  2. Add temperature play - think cooling lube, warming lube (highly suggest System Jo), massage candle (highly suggest Jimmy Jane), drip candles (made for BDSM as they burn at a lower temperature), nipple stimulating gels (such as Jelique Nipple Nibblers).

  3. Add sensation overload in a pleasurable way. Consider “forced” orgasm. Think of it this way, you could restrain her in an x shape using the hand cuffs and ankle cuffs. Then you stimulate her using toys, such as a vibrator or a magic wand externally while you finger her, or using a rabbit vibrator (highly recommend the Jimmy Jane Glo which is a flexible warming rabbit), or you finger her or eat her out. The idea is you decide how many times she must orgasm before you fuck her. She’ll be begging for your cock.

    On the other hand, you could do orgasm denial. It’s where you tell her she can’t cum until a certain thing, and she tries not to. She’ll be begging to be “allowed” to cum. If she cums without permission, you could punish her such as spanking her.

  4. Add spanking and consider adding a large surface area paddle that is flexible. Slowly progress to smaller and less flexible paddles. Then when she’s ready you can consider adding a flogger.

  5. Consider buying new/different sex toys. Companies like PinkCherry offer a lot of options. Try discount code PINK35 for 35% off.

  6. If you are both interested in considering anal, check out B-vibe ( They have excellent starter kits that include lube, toy cleaner and even a booklet for introduction to anal. Enjoy 20% off your first order with the code BVIBES.

    On a further note:
    I suggest using System Jo lubes!! They have a lot of options and something for everyone (just remember that you cannot use silicone lube with silicone toys.) And if you are into oral sex or rim jobs, definitely try their gelato flavored lube as well as the creme brulee and banana!!

    Have fun!!!
u/_Molecular_ · 18 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

Wear black.

Safe discussion topics are things like: How long have you been coming to this event? Have you seen anything you've liked? Is there anything you'd recommend I check out?

Stay away from prying into people's personal lives -- people don't like to talk about what they do, where they live, or other identifying information.

The two key concepts to remember are consent and respect.

Consent means asking before touching someone or their stuff, doing things to someone, approaching too close, etc. Good consent type questions:

  • Is this a good time to talk? (If you see people wrapping up a scene and want to ask them some questions.)
  • Can I ask you about your rope?
  • May I touch your rope?
  • May I hug you?
  • Can I kiss you?

    Basically, assume nothing and ask.

    Respect means things like:

  • Staying an appropriate distance from scenes
  • Observing what's going on around (not walking into people's scenes, talking over people's scenes, interrupting a moment of intimacy, etc.)
  • Being aware that toys, collars, and other symbols of kink carry a great deal of meaning to people and aren't something to treat carelessly.

    I highly recommend the book Playing Well with Others if you would like an introduction to scene etiquette:
u/hitonihi · 8 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I don't know exactly what you're looking for fetish-wise, but here are some random-ish suggestions.

Amazon sells corsets for ~$25. They're not the highest quality, obviously, but they're cute, and they come in plus-sizes. I'm also large chested, and I hate overbust corsets. I much prefer underbust, and then you can wear a bra, or not, or wear it over a fishnet or mesh shirt, or whatever. Lots of options. They also sell a variety of harnesses, both full-body and bra-only. These can be paired with pasties (or electrical tape), if you're going to an event that requires nipples be covered. "Stay up" thigh high stockings are the worst when you're chubby (in my experience anyway), but I love garter belts with stockings, or those tights with the built in garter belt (like this: Amazon obviously also sells lingerie (yes, in plus-sizes), and mini skirts (plaid and black and pleather and whatever else you desire), and all kinds of cute things, depending on what sort of aesthetic you're going for. Oh, and if you're into high-heeled sexy and/or gothy shoes, they've got that, too. I like Pleaser/Funtasma-brand.

This dress ( is my current go-to for play parties, because it's cute and sexy with nothing underneath, and easy to remove when it's time to play.

u/Islehaven · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I suggest backing up a bit and ask, what’s your goal?

For example, is it to have fun? To make your partner happy? Is there a particular fetish you’d like to indulge in?

Then ask your partner, what’s her goal?

Does she want to do this to have fun? Or is she for example an emotional masochist, and wants to do something which isn’t fun for her? Or does she want to make you happy? Or to indulge in a particular fetish? Or to have a challenge?

Once you and your partner have a goal in mind, then you can ask how to get better at fulfilling what you want to do. Just asking “how do I get better” without saying what it is that you want to get better at is too vague; for one goal you might do thing and for a different goal you might do the opposite.

A second suggestion is to read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, which will teach you both the “how to” and the “why to” for being a top.

u/ValenBeano89 · 1 pointr/BDSMAdvice

I have experience with lots of different wand vibrators so I can help you out here. Either the Hitachi magic wand rechargeable or the Doxy Die Cast. I've had women say they love one over the other but they are literally the best that you can buy. The hitachi is more "rumbly" to compared to the doxy's more "buzzy" feeling. The hitachi is cordless which is excellent while the more powerful Doxy needs to be plugged in. Hitachi has 4 levels of intensity but its rare for a women to really want anything more than 3 in my expereince. The doxy has 7-8 levels i believe which works well for those women who need that EXTRA stimulation. I find that the doxy makes the woman's clit go numb faster than the hitachi but also can make them cum quicker. Overall if I HAD to pick one, I'd go with the Hitachi but if you really want to go all out then then Doxy and it's higher price tag will be worth it. You won't go wrong with either. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.


u/SensualAva · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I can't speak to the breach of trust, but I'll share some poly resources with you: not all will apply to you, but I don't know what will and what won't.

A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn

couples privilege

10 rules for good Polyamory

The Polyamorist Next Door

If you're a straight man this book is supposed to be decent:
Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals)

Poly Weekly


Erotic Awakening: (kink and poly podcast)

Loving without Boundaries

events list:

u/Mastandslav · 2 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

No one is perfect, and it takes two non perfect people to negotiate a perfect for them TPE dynamic. No one can be on point 100% of the time, and tolerance, understanding and empathy are needed from both side of the slash. I am high protocol, she has her down moments, as do I, I am in one at the moment with self loathing, but we still make it work.

Can I suggest this author, a very dear and close Leather friend of mine, they are wonderful resources.


Also check out the podcasts by Dan and Dawn, hear how a long term TPE couple relates to each other.


u/adventureU · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I agree with the relationship advice. Take things slow. Be respectful. BDSM is not a race to see how kinky how quick you can be. Find what works. Repeat: take things slow. Communicate!

You also asked: "What are the best toys and equipment to get us started"

There is a very nicely put together package of surprising quality:

You can also search Amazon for "Bed Restraints for SM,Utimi 11 Pcs BDSM"

If you have sensitive eyes who share your account, remember to delete your amazon browsing history (on Amazon).

u/hdvmedia · 2 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I echo ephony5's sentiments. All you need is to be her Dom. There are likely things that she likes, is into, or curious about, and there are things that she's likely not interested in.

The good news is you get to focus on things that she likes and that you both can share together.

These would be a good start for you.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction 2nd Edition

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

u/genericAFusername · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

You’ll definitely find it there. I thought I just liked being spanked, and it turns out I have a LOT of kinks that I wouldn’t have even known about otherwise.

When I was first beginning, someone here recommended this book by Michael Makai. It pretty much covers the basics.

And if you don’t know if you’re a top or a bottom then these two are good reads as well!

u/SensitiveNerve · 5 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

PROBLEM: Sexytime frequency. You both seem to want to be having sex more often, but it's not happening.

So to me, this is the fundamental issue here. You two are still deeply in love in almost all aspects, but the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship is slowly making you feel more like roommates than lovers. This intimacy is a real need of yours, you're rightly craving it, and so you're feeling at your wit's end, enormously frustrated, and starting to resent him.

Fixing this problem is tricky, but my relationship is proof positive that it can be accomplished with hard self-work, bravery, and ruthless introspection.

You wrote something in the middle of your post that doesn't have much to do with sex at all, on the surface.

>I know from our talks that he is financially stressed, existentially stressed, and now stressed about this.
>But I’m also financially stressed, dealing with my own personal bs, and now just so unhappy with what our relationship has become, that I stress out everyday we aren’t for each other anymore...

This was really vulnerable and honest to share, and I thank you so much for the bravery and disclosure.

I think that on one important level, this is key to a lot of the problems you are experiencing. When my partner and I were going through a dry patch (maybe dry half-decade...), I thought that my sex life problem was one thing, and all the other stresses in my life were another. When I started getting therapy, though, I realized that my stresses about work and money and so on, and especially the coping strategies I used to escape from that pain (for me it was mainly porn, drinking and video games), were a huge obstacle to the sex life I wanted.

My therapist also hit me with something that I didn't really believe, or even understand at first. She told me I had a fear of intimacy. My initial reaciton was, "that's fucking crazy. I spend every waking hour obsessing about how I don't get enough sex in my life!" But as I learned more, I realized it was true -- I was ironically kind of terrified of the very thing I was obsessed with getting.

That's one reason why I fell into a very understandable pattern that took me away from what I really wanted: I would obsess about not having sex with my partner; then I would occasionally halfheartedly initiate; then she wouldn't be into it, and I would be like, "of course she doesn't want it," and sulk off to play video games and then watch porn after she fell asleep.

I needed to break free of that pattern, both by quitting the anesthetizing distractions (for me that meant carefully cutting way back on booze and video games, and eventually cutting porn out of my life entirely), learning new strategies on how to initiate, and then realizing that I was actually afraid of initiating, because every time I did so I'd get rejected, and being aware of that fear and growing the bravery to 'do it anyway.'

At the same time, my wife was having her own struggles with her sexuality, and understanding the way her sexual desire works. She considered herself a very sexual person, had VERY kinky fantasies, loved BDSM -- and yet, when the rubber hit the road, never ever felt the desire to manifest this in her own life.

Frankly, she felt like she was broken. It was very painful and isolating.

The thing that changed her life (and by extension mine) is reading the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. [Check out this comic about it, it's a good intro.] Reading that thing, we realized that most women have what's called a 'dual control model' of sexual arousal, which is like gas and brake. For me and most guys, we can basically just step on the accelerator at a moments notice and get to the right RPM easily. For my wife and a lot of women, there can be a foot on the gas AND a foot on the brake, in the form of anything stressing them out (the house is a mess, my mom keeps texting me, the kid broke the thing, my husband hates our sex life and is going to leave me, etc.)

We also learned another life-changing idea -- responsive desire, which means that my wife's arousal is like a water heater. (Sorry to switch metaphors) Three minutes of gas, and the water is still fucking freezing. Is this the end of the world? Hardly. She is slow to heat up, but once she gets going (and her foot is off the brake) she can get to a scalding boil. But my strategy of, "I'll give it five minutes, then declare it broken and play games," was dooming me to a life of never getting laid ever again -- and never feeling intimacy again.

I wonder if some of these models describe either your sexuality, your bf's, or both. Responsive desire is somewhat more common in women, but it can describe the sexual experience of someone with any gender.

Stress and its role in your problem

Looking at the 'dual control model', and really internalizing that idea, is going to help tremendously. What we learn from that idea is that if there is a ton of stress in your life, you are going to not really get in the mood you want to be in.

So, both you and your BF need to change your lives, to develop new coping strategies to become healthier, happier people in every area of your lives. This is a lifetime, ongoing project, that is too complex to summarize here -- I could go on and on. But at it's simplest level, I recommend constructing a list of healthy habits for self-care. Then build up a self care routine that works for you (should include some physical movement or exercise, eating healthy and staying hydrated, meditation, and keeping up your hygiene).

There are great books I can recommend on this point as well.

u/NowIDontCare · 1 pointr/BDSMAdvice

It used to be available free online, a long time ago. This is the best one I have read, though it has been awhile so others may be around now. Next, I would suggest Jay Wiseman's SM:101, he has others as well. And if you ever delve into rope...Midori.
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

u/Serpent73 · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

Try this book.

or DL the pdf.

It is pretty much my go-to beginers guide to the scene. This is how my first kinkfriend got me into it, and I have been a fan ever since!

Also, go slow, small steps, and do only what is fun for you both. And, yes, communication is key.

u/Furtowncentre · 4 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

-Order this book! Aaaand read!
-Get on FL and build a community of like minded individuals, also has groups and advice stuff on there!
-have open and honest discussions about communication, expectations and boundaries!

u/wtf81 · 2 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

Here are a few things to start:

  1. Be really careful tying people up until you learn the ropes. They make cheap leather cuffs and restraints. Have her put those on and then tie those to things. Definitely don't want to cause nerve damage because of inexperience

  2. There is a fantastic book called the new book of topping it is great for learning about this. There is a corresponding book of bottoming that your partner can read and this will give you something to discuss and share, which should be nice.

  3. If you can find a mentor in your area, go find one. Fetlife is kind of dying but if you go to a meetup, you should be able to find a more experienced dom and observe what he does with his subs.

  4. The basics of being dominant is to be dominant. Don't ask her things, tell her things. Order her around, use her the way (you both) you want. Be in charge.
u/MonokromDK · 3 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

I strongly recommend Doxy Diecast. Its big and looks like it will hurt you. And its a world class vibrator.

u/sunnywiltshire · 1 pointr/BDSMAdvice

You are not supposed to really choke her, it's about applying pressure to the sides of the neck not the front. Read as much as you can about it and also find out what you like. Can highly recommend this book:

And please don't listen to people who tell you to use your thumbs and make her pass out, that's insane. Also, please understand that a top has the right to use a safeword also!