(Part 2) Best products from r/BDSMcommunity

Ok, that's better.

First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.

For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.

Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.

i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.

To summarize :

• Talk to her, never assume
  
• Accept that you're learning
  
• Relax on her inability to cum with you. You'll see how that goes when you introduce new concept in your relationship with her.
  
• Spank that ass with your hand and your mind ! =)
  
  Now some homework !
  
  Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
  
  BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
  
  There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
  
  For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
  
  Take care, and have fun.

Resources

A really great place to start is this BDSM FAQ. There's a whole subreddit there, but that landing page is the perfect place to get your bearings.

Another great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a post I made with a lot of links for people who want to get started with rope bondage.

Advice

- After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

- Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

- Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

- Decide on a safeword. On this subreddit, we like Red for "let's stop right now" and Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch." Green means "all good, let's keep going." (It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

- Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

- Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

- Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

- Come to r/BDSMcommunity and r/BDSMAdvice, and ask questions! We love helping newbies!

Remote Vibe First one was DOA, but the replacement worked wonders.

Also just in case you're curious, here's a bunch of other things I've bought off of Amazon:

Rabbit Vibe: NO, breaks too easily

Dual Bullet: Great while it lasts, but sadly breaks after a few sessions

Scissors If you don't have some GET SOME

Two Knotty Boys I highly recommend if you need some knot help

Condoms More are always useful to have

Weighted Nipple Clamps LOVE THESE, your sub might not though

Whip Going strong for two years

Bullet Held out for a while but ultimately broke after a few months

Numb Throat Spray doesn't work

Anal Trainer Set good for training but the middle to biggest is a bit of a jump

Lube Great stuff, lasts a while too

Blindfold Very comfy and durable

Bondage Tape Works well for hte purpose, doesn't adhere like Duct Tape, perfect

Vibe Fantastic Vibe

Rose Petals Show your girl a good, romantic time

Suction Dildo Get it and make her fuck herself on the floor, highly recommend

Butt Plug A good intermediary between the large and medium from before

Mouth Wash Make sure your breath smells clean for sex

Pillows Sleep better

Mini Massager Works reasonably well

Rose Gold Heart Necklace Classy way to show ownership out and about

Rose Gold Heart Bracelet Sams as above but for alternating days

Okay that's a quick overview, let me know for more detail on any, yes I have have bought all of these on Amazon, Dear God I did not realize how much I bought there before now.

Also here's a fun list of tasks and punishments

Fur further ideas just look over this sex map and for a bit more utilitarian, check out this list of Limits I made (pdf version or .xlsx version i.e. excel). For some fun orders steal some from the Contract I wrote (Word Version or pdf)

I had no idea I liked BDSM until I hooked up with a kinky sub boy. At first I was feeling rather, "Well, shit, what the hell am I supposed to do now? You want me to do what to your who now?"

But the more I practiced, and the more I read, the more comfortable and exciting it became. It's not just about whips and chains and crazy underwear; it's also about comfort and safety, surrender and control, a deep and intimate kind of trust, a love for the body and for the creativity of exploring it in new and different ways, and an ability to confront the unknown with the assurance that we will be cared for.

When I dom, I cherish my sub. They are giving me a huge trust: the safety of their body and the assurance of their pleasure, and I take that very seriously. My main aim is to keep them safe, in every way, at all times, even if I am "using" them. Safe, sane and consensual! A good dom is not going to take you "too far," and your description of your partner makes her sound like a very caring dom who will ease you in comfortably.

When I sub, I give myself over to my partner completely--within the bounds of my comfort, of course. I know that I can use my "Yellow Light" words or "Red Light" words if I'm uncomfortable with what's happening or if something seems dangerous. I know that someone else is taking care of my whole person, and that can be incredibly freeing. Knowing that I'm being a perfect vessel to receive my partner's desires is also an incredible feeling.

The books that I read that really made things crystallize for me were Jack Rinella's work, specifically The Master's Manual and The Compleat Slave; and Christina Abernathy's compilation.

/u/fad_gadget89 is dead on, but there's also something really important here - there is no one true way to do this! A training program created by someone else is more than likely going to promote their ways of doing things, which may or may not be yours. Do you want your sub to be chatty or quiet? Bratty or obedient? A skilled cook or do you enjoy being in the kitchen? Should they know how to care for leather or do you not even own a pair of boots?

If you really want help with developing a training program, looking at books like Erotic Slavehood, Real Service or even some of the books by Bob Rubel which outline very specific protocols for a few different types of dynamics.

You could also investigate things like MTTA, which is a weekend intensive designed to explore this stuff. I've never done that program, but know folks who have. It tends to be as much learning about yourself as it is learning how to submit or particular skills.

http://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl-girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X

"Conquer Me!" is really nice for understanding Subbie girls and our needs.

However, the book for you is probably "The Loving Dom", its a great book on both how to manage the relationship, and how to play and what all the toys are for. My Master loved it.

Also HEAVILY recommended is Kinkacademy.com, a payed (but they have some free) educational website with all sorts of videos. It has been very valuable for my Master and me.

As for the side question, that means that you are normal. Full lifestyle 24/7 couples, though respected in (at least my) community, are not the norm. However, even though I am 24/7, I have a lot of non-bdsm sex, because it's want my Master wants at the time.

TLDR: "Conquer me", "The Loving Dom" and kinkacademy.com will help you a bunch, also look at Fetlife.

You're very welcome! You're also very right, in that open and successful communication is extremely important here. Just like in every relationship, yes. :D

If that truly resonates with you, I'd recommend you pick up "Conquer Me" by Kacie Cunningham. It's an insightful and endearing book(let) by a female submissive, touching upon a number of aspects of the lifestyle while underlining the need and wonders of both communication and deep trust.

My first sub suggested the book to me, and I've suggested it to each of my subs since then. We've all loved it, so I hope it does you some good as well. :)

I'm a fan of recommending Amy Cuddy's Ted Talk on how Your Body Language Shapes who You Are to help submissives-that-would-be-dominant start getting into the swing of things - it might be a useful 20 minute diversion for your lady as well.

In general, I highly recommend she read through the entirety of /r/BDSMfaq and then come here with more specific questions to us. I'd also recommend checking the resources of /r/FemdomCommunity.

Midori is a well regarded female top who writes books and even recently gave a live course on showing women to be more dominant in the bedroom. BDSM for Beginner's with Mistress Kinky could possibly be helpful, but I have not read it or heard it mentioned before, just found it searching just now.

If something must be considered AUTHORITATIVE in terms of BDSM in this community, it will be in the /r/BDSMfaq. In general we try to stay away from telling you how to do BDSM because your idea and practice of BDSM is probably different from mine. The only thing we all agree on is informed consent and safety are the most important things, followed by fun (don't forget about that one) for all players involved.

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

I think Amazon has a great selection of sex & BDSM stuff, but the website makes it hard to find the good stuff. I'm convinced it's designed to lure buyers to buy specific products from certain vendors, so window shopping might be difficult and lead the buyer to cheaper products.

The way I shop on amazon for kinky stuff, is I find a really good pro domme's Amazon wishlist and go from there. Seriously, you find some REAL gems that amazon never suggests (or even shows up in feed).

That's how I discovered this. With the rest, this isn't a bad crop IMHO and this guy is fun and simple.

The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge

The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM

Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book

Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book

Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book

Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots

Videos on knots - TwistedMonk

A lot of communities have rope classes.
The new topping book and it's corresponding book "the new bottoming book" Are great and I would highly recommend having you read your books at the same time and compare notes as you read.

There's tons of books on rigging (rope) but please be careful with rope. You can cause nerve damage pretty easily and it's good to take classes about this.

When you get more advanced, there's a book called the forked tongue which is basically a guide to hurting people.

I used to interview one of my subs about the 'new bottoming book' while she was tied to the bed and spank/flog her butt.

I love love love this wearable board game concept my Sir created for me. Here is my post I made explaining it.

Also, I totally get what you are trying to articulate. I found this book very useful when trying to explain those feelings to my SO: Conquer Me

A good book like
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1890159387/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473544221&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=midori+bondage&dpPl=1&dpID=51eKfzx%2BdjL&ref=plSrch

Or

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00ZLWOGWK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473544262&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=bondage+basic&dpPl=1&dpID=51Tx0dtuINL&ref=plSrch

Gives a good grounding in techniques, safety and understanding the "why".

Yes. Yes I am.

For those curious, this is what I've got in there:
Plug, Dong.

It's sooooooo good :D

>My Dom and I have fallen off the bdsm bandwagon.

Are you asking because you think that behaving in a more submissive way will help in jumping on the bdsm bandwagon again? Because I think that those two things are two separate issues. Have you discussed this with him? He needs to know. A change in behavior on your part will not suddenly revive the whole dynamic. It's teamwork. Its something you work on together.

>However, sometimes control triggers me. I don't want it to. But sometimes my mind shifts and switches and I see Daddy as the enemy.

Personally, I think this is less about training and more about internal struggle. It's normal to want to resist someone controlling you, I think it's almost instinctive. But it's something you have to work on on your own. Be aware of what makes you react, watch yourself go, reflect on what you could have done differently, what a better response would have been, journal on your submission, about your behavior or chosen topics, when you know something will make you want to resist ask for time to think about it and come back to him so you can reflect on how you want to respond, be mindful of your interactions, read books on submission. There's a lot that you can do on your own.

On your own doesn't mean alone though so you can share your process with him, tell him of your efforts, you guys could have weekly recaps to discuss how it went.

For writings and journaling, I like the writing prompts of sccwriting on tumblr. I also like the submissive journal prompts. You can also take the time to read the answers from other submissives, you might find some useful tips or ideas.

I also suggest reading Conquer me: girl to girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires by Kacie Cunningham. There's a chapter about embracing his dominance that was very useful to me. Basically, it says that when your dominant says no, yes you don't get what you want but at the same time you are because you asked for his dominance.

Look into a set of anal trainers.
We have this set and this one (they have a wider base and probably closer to what you're looking for).

Regarding the second set I linked to: the big one in the set is BIG. She told me once that she couldn't take it.
Never say that to your sadist. #ChallengeAccepted

She can take it. She whimpers and begs for mercy, but she can definitely take it.

Transparency: those are amazon links, but they're clean -- no affiliate stuff.

Erotic Awakening and The Fearless Submissive are good podcasts.

http://www.eroticawakening.com/podcast/

http://thefearlesssubmissive.com/webpage/category/podcast

And a really good book is Conquer Me.

https://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl-girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X

You want a basic chest harness. Twisted Monk gives a good start. You could also get Midoris Book or Jay Wisemans Book. As you progress, you can also put her into predicament bondage that allows her to vary the pressure and angle she feels. I have a nose hook I'm looking forward to using in conjunction with my anal hook.

If he likes reading books, I can recommend https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/

Midori has one of the best websites and books on Shibari available http://www.amazon.com/The-Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387
also her website: http://www.shibarilover.com/MidoriDojo.htm

Douglas Kent, Lee Harrington, and Midori are three well respected resources.

One of my favorites.

And another real good one.

And one of the classics.

It sounds like you need more. What I suggest is that you both start digging into some resources specifically for rope. Might I suggest Kinbaku and Shibari?

• http://www.knottyboys.com/
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387 (Midori is rad)
  
  There are a vast many resources for fans of rope. I would also look locally for rope events, cause they seem to be everywhere.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1890159387/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?pc_redir=T1

http://www.amazon.com/Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1301923223&sr=1-2

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

Most shibari books are based on this:
http://www.amazon.com/Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1301628159&sr=1-1

Male, bisexual, very well hung, solo, no limits other than no scat/blood/piss - Must be indoors
I'm capable of orgasm within 1 minute of a previous orgasm, pretty close to multi-orgasmic.

Tools on hand:
Gum Drop Double Buttplug | Trinity Anal Beads (these are too hard and they hurt) | Doc Johnson Classic B-Plug (2 of these) | Vibrating Anal T | Vibrating Inflatable Plug | Gold Dog Collar | Matching Gold Leash | Anal Lube | Tenga Egg Sleeve | Hand-cuffs | Anal Douche | Feeldoe More 2-way strapon | Plenty of other objects and things too | Also have various men's lingerie (thongs) and women's panties/clothing.

Punishments I truly don't like:

• Eating my own cum
  
• Ice cube inserted in ass
  
• Forced to watch gay porn (I'm only bi in MMF 3some+ settings)