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It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.

Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.

My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.

In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.

Mindfulness:

• Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
  
• Phone app called InsightTimer. Has tons of super helpful guided and non-guided meditations. Learning to sit with yourself and focus on your breath will help you be more calm in the moment and less obsessed with the hurts of your past.
  
• Check out the song Hard Times by Gillian Welch. It just so happens to be the song I'm using to help cope on this particular day. "Hard times, ain't gonna ruleeeee my life."
  
  Books
  
  
• How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - Helps you accept that you've allowed people to mistreat you despite your best intentions. It helped me see my ex for who he really was, and planted the seed for starting a new pattern. Particularly good for us because a BPD relationship is literally addictive.
  
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - not just anyone ends up in these relationships. You're more than likely codependent. Learn to assert boundaries and take care of yourself while still loving the people around you - whether that means keeping them in your life or not. This is essential in beginning to recover from these relationship because the skills you can learn will help you regain the self-esteem and trust you've lost in yourself.
  
• The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. Lots of concepts you'll learn through meditation but applied to your thought process, not just your physiological response. I'm reading this now and it's helping me learn to stop ruminating.
  
  I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.

>Sometimes, in fact, I feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I'm actually causing it.

OMG yes! And when we "talk" about our issues (rarely), she does everything in her power to reinforce that feeling in me. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I would try to kick that ball again and again. Each "talk" would end with me trying yet harder.

​

>I just want the conflict or contempt/anger to stop.

It won't. It will ebb and flow, but it will not stop. And you can try to be good hoping to end it, but it won't end. It is how they control us. It works because we care what the feel about us. We want to be loved for who we are now. We never get it. There is always something "wrong" they find.

​

>I've been practicing recognizing that feeling, and stopping or walking away, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure what the "right" way is to make it work, but it feels like not engaging is the only thing that works... Which doesn't resolve anything either.

Grey rock method is effective until your lack of response angers them. But more than that, it turns you into a zombie. It's like living with a predator waiting to pounce. You move slowly and quietly hoping to go unnoticed. Who wants to go through life like that?

My therapist is an advocate of practicing Stoicism. I don't know if you are familiar with the serenity prayer or not. It is derived from Stoicism. We can't control their emotions. We can't make them desire us. What we can control is how we react to them and how we choose to live.

The best book I have read on the subject is Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist. It really helped me see the pattern we are locked in.

I wish you well. Keep us updated.

​

You aren't crazy. Many of us have felt the same way, tried the same things and had the same results as you did.

Those people can't change the way they are almost ever - and you can't change them. You can't convince them to change and they won't ever see it from your perspective ever.

They can't change, but you can.

Please read the book or listen to the Audio book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

It was the best money I've ever spent. With the help of this place, hanging out with friends and doing things I like, this book had pushed me out of the fog. You are in bad shape and need this ASAP. The words from this book will tell you far more than I can.

i feel like I could have written your story. Once you get through this book, read codependent no more and figure out how to love yourself again. Go no contact with your abuser and free yourself from this fog hell forever!
I wish you the best. Please know that I've been there and that it does get better! Like a million times better!

Edit: formatting on mobile is hard

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. Now the baby must have arrived.

I don't think it would have been good to start now because DBT has a great deal of homework. It takes a great deal of time. You only get out of it what you put into it.

Plus it is expensive, and I know DBT therapists say their clients should take it twice.

Of course now it will take awhile until she is in shape for it again. But she can do things on her own. But there are other options.

Here is a dbt site for clients: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html

I wrote a blog piece about that site and its owner:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201409/dietzs-dbt-site-has-helped-thousands-borderline-folks

Here is a blog post I did of resources for people with BPD:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201410/resources-people-borderline-personality-disorder

Here is a DBT workbook:
http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

I suggest buying a new physical copy. Ebooks you can't print or write in, and old copies will be partly filled in.

Here is another good book, probably less technical, called Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life.

The following. looks like a really good book, and probably the simplest one. It is also a diary. Best wishes.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Diary presents an overview of each of the four DBT skills-distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness-and includes a journal you can use each day to monitor your successes, chart your progress, and stay on track making productive changes in your life.

With this diary, you can:
•Learn over twenty techniques to use when you feel overwhelmed
•Observe and record your progress each day
•Find out which coping strategies work best for you
•Discover nutrition and lifestyle changes that can make you feel better

In my opinion, there is a certain element of giving up the idea that you can control what he will do. That's a big part of understanding boundaries (Part of the reason I recommend the book Boundaries - it has a religious viewpoint I wasn't expecting, but even if that isn't your thing the lessons are valuable).

The advice from /u/anjie_bee above is a good plan in general. The boring / barely responding method gives you a little bit of a slow fade that lessens the risk of him going on the attack. The next few times he messages you, don't respond immediately either. Give it 10-15 minutes, then out to half an hour, then an hour. Don't schedule any dates or meet with him in any way. Come up with boring excuses to get out of plans he wants to make.

The reality is if he's not getting the attention he wants from you, he will either lash out like the pictures threat, or move on to someone else. The Al-anon motto applies here: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it."

The upside: his threats will likely be empty. Steps you can take if he does try something like the pictures - don't shy away from being honest about him and his actions. If by some small chance he does send those pictures to your work or someone you know, then be up front. "I dated this guy for a short period, and obviously I ignored some red flags early on. I ended it, and he responded by threatening me with those pictures. I appreciate your understanding, and I'm just moving forward."

Longer term, there are a few things that have helped me grow personally in this journey.

1. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically. A couple of years before ending the relationship, I started paying attention to nutrition and then later a dedicated exercise routine. This resulted in losing weight and generally feeling better inside and out.
   
2. Therapy, yay! Talking to a professional can really help you understand the thought processes that influence the choices you make. External perspective is very helpful too, my therapist asked the questions that made me understand how much energy, time, and emotion I was putting into changing someone else who had shown no signs of changing for years.
   
3. Meditation. Can't recommend this highly enough. I've gone the mindfulness route, without the spiritual aspect, and it has made a huge difference in my ability to remain calm in the face of stress, to be more aware of my body, mind, thoughts, and emotions.
   
   Final thought, one that I shared on here recently that struck a chord with me. Happiness is not a place, it is a compass. What will bring you happiness is each day making choices that bring you closer to your goals - what you truly want for yourself personally, in work, romantically.

This is a great question. One I've been asking myself as I've been getting back into the dating pool in the last 4 or 5 months since the trainwreck that was my 3.5 year relationship to my BPDex ended nearly a year ago. I've had a lot of same issues you pointed out in your post.

My therapist introduced me to attachment theory maybe a month or two ago and I find that it's useful model for me to understand myself as I'm going through the process.

Basically the reason why we're attracted and get attached to broken people is because we are broken. There is a wound we're trying to treat, typically from early childhood, and the way we're doing that is by trying to fix someone in hopes that it will be returned. And it never will be unless we do the fixing ourselves. In my case, my mother passed away very suddenly and tragically and very much right in front of me when I was 5 years old. That break with my primary caregiver was enough to cause a lot of other issues and for me to project that longing for unconditional love onto other people. When in reality I've been learning that I need to give that to myself.

I believe a lot of us here are "love addicts" or have anxious attachment styles. We attach, typically, to love avoidants. And I believe that though BPDs open up about their trauma quickly.. looking at how they open up emotionally.. well they really don't. They are awful about expressing their needs and instead throw tantrums. We, or at least I, kinda get a thrill when I get dig and open that somewhat reserved person up. (Quiet borderlines were my favorite). According to the theory we get a more secure attachment style when we 'ship up with secure or "boring" people.

The short of the long of it is that we have to do what you're doing like dating multiple people so we don't get too excited about one (usually that "omgomgomg" feeling within short time after meeting is the attachment style being activated and though it feels good, it's should be the warning signal). But instead of cycling through and moving on to the next person because we find them "boring" we have to allow ourselves to get to know these people. It's more of slow burn than an explosive firework feeling. And it's a very different way of dating than the style I'm used to. Apparently normal people don't rush right into a relationship. Who knew? ¯\(ツ)/¯

That's the gist. But you wanna know more there's a really good book called Attached that I recommend almost twice a day here on various reddit subs. And obviously this is something talk about with your therapist as your going through the process. Good luck my friend!

tldr: you're fucked up. get less fucked up.

Interesting. No, but I was a philosophy major so I’m familiar and yeah, they would be relevant. Acceptance of reality, while trying to make small and realistic changes, is the core of the whole thing.

We used Linehan’s workbook, below, which I highly recommend. She definitely used Buddhism and mixed it with CBT to develop this. It’s got a little bit of everything, and can help everyone, given they want to help themselves. Thanks for the book and links, they look great.

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7JKSDbC66H487

Man, you really did a great job seeing clarity in this and encapsulating something incredibly similar to my experience in the early years and even today.

Like you, exactly in fact, I waited TWO years without a relationship. Prior to meeting my wife and taking that two year break I was always in multi-year relationships with very codependent women (I realize now, looking back on the cutting, INSANE neediness, suicide threats, etc etc.. that they were likely were pwBPD or heavily traited.. seemingly more than my wife in some ways or spectrums). I waited two years, focused on myself. Grew out of debt, made a good career, got in really good shape, felt GOOD about myself and no longer lonely while single. I finally thought I was ready for a healthy relationship- but I was wrong. I picked someone and married them after 3 years, it wasn't until the first day of marriage that the red flags lined up or got so extreme in the more binding/intimate relationship that I could see I picked another woman not unlike my exes.

I found myself desiring quoting many parts of your well written account to respond to.. I won't do a line by line, but understand that I and many of us can deeply relate. This stuck out to me though as something I must:
>I yelled at myself in the car, "fucking break up with her dude you need to do it right now". But my reality, my identity, my hopes, and my dreams somehow became intertwined and bonded from this woman.

The part in bold is where it's at man. Insightful of you to see it when you did. I think that is where the hooks to guilt and longing remain. I'd like to ask you, when you were with her, did she do things or say things that if you were watching it play out as a third party, you would be shocked the man did not explode, get angry, walk away from the relationship? Those were clues to me in myself that I had myself slipped into codependency. In truth, to 'make my marriage work' my wife demanded codependency of me, she would rage and abuse to heightened extremes otherwise, while divorce threatening. She didn't 'make me' though, I chose it. What I saw looking closer and it took me much longer than you, was that my identity had become intertwined with a woman that wasn't real. Or at least who doesn't always live in the same reality as me. You recognize your guilt. For myself I would say it was even tied to what I quoted of you, that my identity itself hid or defended core shame. That was what tied me there, the lynchpin I pulled myself into codependency at her beckoning. That core shame was exactly the reason, when if watching as an invisible and objective third party, I would see a man who had his emotions bound- who didn't get angry when he should or walk away when he needed to.

You aren't broken. You aren't lost. You aren't bad. You aren't weak. But you are human. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to have and feel feelings, it's healthy to get angry or sad when you should be, be offended by something done entirely to offend and hurt you..

I seriously suggest that you find a good therapist. You also aren't crazy, but they are helpful, I go to one myself. Our goal is to get to a place of balance. To come to accept ourselves exactly as we are today (that takes genuinity and vulnerability) to break down any denial that may be hidden from you as to your identity or any remnants of shame. If you base your opinion and view and identity on 'what you do' then people like her will be able to (or rather you will go along with people like her to) get dragged into these unhealthy relationships, not quick to leave when maybe you should, and perhaps likely to accept what is to you unacceptable behavior. Rather than basing your self-worth on 'what you do' I suggest honestly accepting, knowing, valuing, and loving 'who you are'. That is the thing that really helped me to heal and unbind my emotions. To not need to be 'more than' human, because I could never be anyone's savior or fixer or martyr. There was no reason for me to keep breaking my back to bend over a little farther for their neediness and emotional soothing and it was only ever, at best, counterproductive.

I highly suggest the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You,' it was incredibly helpful to me on the topic you posted about.

I'm sorry if this comment reads kind of weird, it's a hard thing to talk about 'shame/guilt' and a different way of accepting yourself, but I truly feel like those were the gravity holding me onto my cognitive dissonance in codependency, trying to save a person from themselves, and wait for 'the woman I loved' to come back- when she never existed as I knew her if I had truly accepted her and myself as we really were at all times.

I saw someone recommend this book somewhere in this forum and it is saving my life. Maybe it can help you too.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

I'm so so sorry that nothing you do or don't do will make him happy. Nothing you say or don't say will be enough to bring calm and peace. You can choose to martyr yourself, or you can choose happiness. I'm just starting the separation process from my husband and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, I love him so much. I just refuse to sacrifice myself to care for his needs and emotions anymore.

You are not alone. Please reach out to your support network and get help. ❤️

> Is this what you call love?

No. This is what you call addiction.

A pwBPD peddles a drug that meets our need to be wanted, loved, and accepted. In the love-bombing stage, the pwBPD supplies that drug. Then, during and after the inevitable devaluation / discard phase, you go through very real withdrawal where you crave their affection.

This isn't just a metaphor. Addiction to a person functions very much like addiction to a substance. The pwBPD plays on the pleasure center of our brain by making us feel super-human, like we are so lucky to have found the most interesting lover in the world, that ours is a pure and unique love that only a tiny fraction of people ever get to experience. This is specifically meant to rope us in and get us addicted, so that we don't leave them - which is their greatest fear. Their main goal in this phase is to make you loyal to them to avoid abandonment.

In the devaluation phase, they are testing that loyalty. This is where they act out with cheating, anger, manipulation, verbal, mental, and/or physical abuse, etc. For most people, being treated poorly has an easy solution: PEACE OUT! Most people won't put up with such bad behavior; but remember, we're addicted! Now that we're not being love-bombed, we are in withdrawal, and we will ignore red flags and go to extreme lengths to explain away bad behavior because all we care about is getting another hit of the drug that only the pwBPD can supply us with.

So, how do you break the cycle?

When you're addicted to drugs or alcohol, does "cutting down" work? Would you advise an alcoholic to only try drinking on the weekends? Of course not, because we know that if you're addicted to something, the only way to avoid the vicious cycle is to stop completely. You must accept your pwBPD for what they are, accept that the cycle will not ever stop or get better, and resolve to go no contact.

But breaking an addiction is no easy task. You need help, guidance, and support. To start, this book helped me immensely: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work

Holy shit that discussion part was funny. Sorry to say. But a lot of us have been there. The discussion where you want to address things but it turns into a circular discussion where you are the problem. You wonder what just happened when it's over.

You are not the emotional control freak she says you are. you are now just beginning to see the light. Go buy this book asap and give it a read. It will explain many things. https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI

You'll have doubts, guilt, .. but it will eventually dissipate. You'll be happier. You'll wonder why you did not see the signs before. You'll gain confidence in you. You'll discover that hey, you're happy to come back home after work now that she isn't there.

You gray rocked, you did what you had to do to go through it. Don't have regrets for not trying hard enough, there was nothing you could do.


Edit: not sure how old the kids are but mine were 10 and 14. Having my oldest one tell me "at first I did not know why you wanted a divorce but now I understand" after a few months felt great. And both kids and I keep making discoveries about how messed up our past was... She was the source of stress of my oldest one, my youngest would have turned bpd I am sure because he had a few episodes after the separation (wanted to die... Asked for a gun...) But it's much better now. The kids sleep well, are way more relaxed. There were some rough moments however but now I feel like I am really saving the kids.

If success is having a normal relationship with someone with BPD then, from personal experience, I don’t think that’s possible.

However we can but try.

There is so much advice and there are so many tips and nuggets of information in this subreddit but if you want a structured tone to dip into I really found this one useful:

“Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” is a good book. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

The best tips for making the most of a life sentence with a BPD are 1) leave and 2) try to leave and 3) if it’s not convenient right now then plan to leave

Sorry this isn’t glowingly positive but I’ve been abused for too long to have anything but a dim view of people with PDs. It’s not their fault but it’s most definitely not mine either.

>Solitude is a wonderful thing, but each man has to find it on their own in their own terms.

This is a wonderful and powerful insight. Thanks for sharing it. I'll pick up the book!

>Going to a therapist and exploring the origins of your own childhood attachment trauma is very useful. Next to every borderline, there is a co-dependant willing to lay their life down. Behind every co-dependant, there are narcissistic parent(s) who has killed all self love in their child and convinced them that their worth is decided only by what they do for other people.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and I still wobble on whether the idea of co-dependency and childhood trauma caused by inept parents is a just-so story[1]. Freakin everything turns out to be heritable. The book Blueprint[2] is supposed to be a good summary of scientific consensus, but it isn't out yet. When I look at my parents and their siblings, I can clearly see how they've been suffering through the same problems I have their whole lives. It's very difficult to tell if they conditioned me to be the way I am, or if it's all genetic. It'd be amazing to see some twin studies on this specific phenomenon, but I haven't been able to find any.

I think without medication, the best I can hope for is to recognize the feelings and learn to cope with them. But I don't know if the notion of childhood trauma that I'm carrying around is a myth. Is this something I can "heal" such that the feelings themselves go away? Has anyone ever managed to heal this way? I'm seriously considering getting on SSRIs to see if I can eliminate the feelings themselves. I've been working on myself my whole life, and while this has propelled me very far in terms of self-awareness, all the same feelings I've always had are still there.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-so_story

[2] https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0262039168/

I'd recommend picking up Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist because it talks about being a caretaker and building boundaries. Here's a video with the author: https://youtu.be/yoiOoDe6-_w

It's about trusting and valuing yourself, learning about red flags such as people trying to manipulate you with mirroring and love bombing. Trusting yourself if it's too good to be true or not questioning yourself if you're being lied to.

Contrary to MRA advice it's NOT about being an asshole. That attracts personality disorders. It's not even about being "nice" as the problems, kindness is good. It's about not being taken advantage without boundaries and learning to trust yourself.

Therapy is gonna be key in helping you. I couldn't afford therapy when I got out of my first abusive relationship, and ended up getting free therapy through a women's shelter in my area. If you ask around, you may have some luck. A lot of those resources don't have a statute of limitations from when you left.

• DBT Worksheets can also help you regulate your emotions: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets/dbt/none
  
  
• If you're worried about communication, there's also worksheets to help with that: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets/communication/none
  
  
• I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901) to help you build you assertiveness back up.
  
  Finally: it can get better. I really recommend you get together some funds for just a single touch base with a therapist. (they can be instrumental in directing you to where you need to go).

You have a valid concern about these certain behaviors around the children. Children are keenly in tune with thier parents moods and the things she is saying must be frightening on some level to them and confusing if she is at other times more stable. It will absolutely effect thier sense of security and well being. My inclination would be to give her the ultimatum that you won't tolerate this around the children. But you have to have a plan in place for how it will be handled. She needs to learn new coping skills and unless she has the resources the whole thing could get even more volatile around the children. The best thing would be to get the advice of a professional. In the meantime, you could try something I did. I bought a DBT workbook and told my husband that I thought it would be a good thing to do together. We went through the exercises in it and it was very helpful. He did learn alternative ways to manage his feelings. This is the one we used.
http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

Just take a look here in this sub or similar subs. Books, YouTube videos and therapists. There is no happy endings sadly. We want to fix everything, we want that everything works are the end. But if they don't want (and they don't), there is nothing we can do and we only gonna suffer.

The other fellow redditor got cheated in the begining of the relationship. And what happened? Got cheated again. And gonna be again and again. It's a never ending cycle. "Regular" people can learn from their mistakes. BPD don't. If they cheat it's your fault. If they treat you like trash it's because of you. Etc. Take a moment to read this sub and you gonna see all the patterns.

You can keep trying if you want, but sooner or later you won't take it anymore and you gonna have lost a bunch of years of your life suffering.

They have their good moments, but the bad moments don't worth the price of admission. And most important: You are a valuable person and you need to be treated accordingly. They don't deserve our love and care. They simply don't value it.

Everybody here recommends this book. It's really good. Take a look for yourself: https://www.amazon.com.br/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

And I tried hard for 3 years, my friend. The only thing I got from them was a bunch of traumas. The good part is that I today know my worth and value myself a lot more.

Start being more selfish. Take care of you. Everything will be better at the end.

According to what I have read; if you do nothing the relationship will run its course in 11 years... mine lasted 12. This would be my formula without any background info from you.

1. Read Stop Caretaking.
   
   
2. Practice "Stop Caretaking" and start getting your life back and enjoy things you like to do.
   
   
3. Slowly work her into therapy. (You both will need it as you start reclaiming some of your life back.)
   
   
4. Decide if you have a future, after a year.
   
   I wish you the best of luck. More answers will come as you go down the path.
   

Therapy and support groups are your friend.

Take a look at Stop Walking on Eggshells and Nami's page on BPD for ideas. Most importantly, make sure you are taking care of your needs too.

Under a lot reflecting, I found I'm attracted to broken, confused girls from bad upbringings. If they emotional issues, I'm somehow attracted to it because I want to fix them, and this makes me feel safe and superior.

You might really like the book, [Are You The One For Me?] (https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8NZ60CTD6F4K3A5QZTG0) where I got this all from. It belongs in the sidebar honestly it's that good. Scary good.

Post mortem as in pouring over everything to make sense of the relationship due to FOG(fear, obligation, guilt).

Emotional children seek caretakers, someone who will put everything into them to boost the caretakers self-esteem at the expense of the caretakers needs. This is a tacit agreement between the two from the beginning pretty much. This book explains it well (where I acquired the nomenclature of 'caretaker'):

https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

> I want to make him happy.

This is the big trap people fall into. They are co-dependent and want to make others happy.

Try putting yourself first and making you happy.

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

> It's been almost 4 years. I'm too damn young to feel stuck.

You have to work out why you are putting up with is worth all the drama. Its unlikely to get better.

This website over time has consistently been my "go to" for getting the most insight about my relationship in general. I think all of Shari's BPD articles are gold.

At first I only read them to understand my ex, who she describes to an absolute tee. When I would read about the typical male BPD partner, I pretty much ignored that as I didn't think it related to me at all. It stuck in my mind, however, and over the months I'd keep coming back and thinking "Yeah, maybe I am like that," or "She really is describing my own childhood pretty accurately, I just never thought of it that way before."

So here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I come back to those articles all the time because I now see how I am that person she describes. When the pwBPD is gone, we still have to live with ourselves and I think having a better understanding of why I made the choices I did is priceless.

Here's a good article that deals with codependency in BPD relationships.
Borderline Waifs and Unsung Heroes

As for an actual book on the subject, the only one I ever read was Codependent No More
I didn't really feel like I needed another after that one. I was on the fence about the whole codependency thing at first and only got the book to prove to myself it didn't fit me. Before the end of the first chapter I was absolutely convinced I was codependent.

Sounds like an overtly criminal case. I am sincerely sorry for you, and don't quite understand how your SO can possibly be in denial while witnessing something like what you just described. In my case, I had a child with my ex, who also showcases advanced criminal inclinations (referring to my ex, here, not to my little one. These leanings were not immediately obvious. Initially he, too, "appeared normal and healthy"). As the truth about who he was emerged, I resolved to cut him off completely, along with all of his tribe. It was a process, and some people judge me for what I did. But I believe that with certain profiles complete eradication is the only way to go. As we both agree, every case is different.

PS: If you didn't, read this:

https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S

It deals specifically with new SO of BPD exes SO, i.e. people like you, who became targets by proxy.

There are two books I highly recommend you (and your parents) read:

1. Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger
   
2. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Manning
   
   I haven't read Randi Kreger's book The Essential Family Guide to BPD, but I imagine this might even be more appropriate for you/your family given this is your sister. Randi is one of the leading authorities on the subject.
   
   Good luck, I'm sorry to read that you and your family are going through such a rough time.

Read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even if they aren't diagnosed as BPD under the DSM, it's still helpful if their behaviours share a similarity with BPD. I had just finished it myself, and really wish I read it while with my ex, but it really crystalised a lot of my own reactions and actions, helpful and not so helpful, when in the midst of their BPD behaviours.

I highly recommend Psychopath Free also. It is a great book.

I recommend Psychopath Free. It's a very good book for dealing with toxic people and can be applied to BPDs as well.

I know this dynamic. Very frustrating indeed. Stop Walking on Eggshells helped me very much in understanding how to tackle this. It came too late for me, but I hope it can help you.

This sounds a lot like triangulation, where he is keeping you hanging on by a thread, but second place behind his gf, but expecting from you what he can't and won't give in return: that you be at his beckon call.

It's pretty typical. And it's pretty typical on the receiving end to feel hurt. That's kind of the point.

Check out this book: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself . It will be a solid start.

I would start by asking your child's therapist to point you towards resources that they recommend.

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents is a good read, as is The Essential Family Guide.

I'd sign up for bpdfamily.com boards and ask for advice from the son or daughter board.

I'd also look into your local NAMI chapter and see if they have a monthly support group for family members.

If I can make a recommendation, I found [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0056JX46W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) to be extremely helpful in going through the divorce process with my ex wife.

There's something about this disorder that certainly make behaviors predictable, and I'll be darned if she didn't follow most of the patterns explained in the book.

I second everything in this comment. I also did these things and they've helped me immensely. Going back and re-reading our text or Facebook conversations really helped me see just how vapid and boring our conversations were. Not to mention one sided. I had deeper conversations with friends I hadn't seen in years in 15 minutes than I ever did talking to my ex.

One book that really helped me: Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

I know what it's like to have friends who don't understand. I think it's just one of those things that unless you've been in a similar relationship you don't really get it. I mean, they listen and show support but I realized at some point it all just sounds crazy and toxic to them (because it is) and they're tired of hearing about it. That's what a good therapist is there for (or at the very least a supportive community such as this).

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FzE3Cb461HRHW

Great book to read. I bought this book before knowing anything about BPD. Because this is exactly something i said to my ex, "i'm always walking on eggshells."

This book put a lot of other things into perspective too.

$10.99 paperback on Amazon delivered in two days, or $9.99 Kindle version. Free Audible Audiobook with Audible trial.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_T7AMzbST28YSN

During my divorce, my lawyer and I both read the book Splitting. Just as /user/TheRealJongoBongo said, get that book.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W


> Turn to this guide to help you:

> Predict what your spouse may do or say in court

> Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking

> Choose a lawyer who understands your case

> Learn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you

There's a great book called say goodbye to crazy. You are who they wrote the book for.

https://www.amazon.ca/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S

Caregiver personalities are especially susceptible. If you think you have those inclinations, a great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life . It really made me think about the things I was doing to conitnue/enable/etc the bad parts of the relationship.

> Has anyone wrote an email or letter to his/her SO (ex or not) AND SENT IT, and gotten a positive result from it?

Yes. But not in the way you'd expect. I've gotten a response where she wrote down a lot of paranoid accusations after I emailed her a well thought out explanation of the multiple reasons (with documented historical incidents for each reason) we can't be together.

Among other things she accused me of planning to murder her and being a Moriarty-level criminal mastermind. LOL.

Very delusional and paranoid "fantasies".

That email reply from her is an exhibit in divorce court in the child custody case.

So yes, you could say it had an unanticipated positive effect in cutting a potentially long, drawn out process of proving that she's got mental health issues and is not a fit parent.

TLDR: Email response from STBX extremely useful in showing divorce court that she's paranoid and delusional, cutting to the chase in my custody fight.

Other than what I've written above, nothing good can come from emailing your undiagnosed BPD ex.

Also whatever you do, do not admit any fault in writing for anything you did or did not do OK?

She will use that in court against you in the child custody case.

One other thing, just FYI. There is no hope in having an amicable divorce with your BPD ex. It will be pure hell (* I'm you, only 6 months into the divorce process, divorce will take at least 1 year if not 2 or 3)

I recommend getting and reading this book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Krieger

You may want this book. It explains how to deal with a BPD's attempts to game the system during divorce. It has sections addressed to your lawyer and includes advice on how to choose a lawyer too.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

It really belongs in the right margin list of resources.

I bought Stop Walking on Eggshells during my recovery process. It was a huge eye opener. So i took a highlighter and highlighted everything that applied from what i experienced. I had suspected some things, but i didnt experience or witness, so i didnt highlight those.

Non the less, a large portion of that book was highlighted.

We were a few months NC after the breakuo. When we met again, i mentioned i read about BPD and that i was apart of an online BPD community. It helped me understand.

She was completely against the label and idea of a PD, but was completely receptive to the individual symptoms.

So apart of my recovery, focusing on the individual symptoms helped me out, rather than generalizing BPD.

Edit: i forgot, i gave her the book. She asked what it meant and i told her its what i used to make sense of our relationship. The only specific thing she asked me about was if i really felt she had control issues.

Link to book on amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/

Non-mobile: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/178-2739937-7186336

^That's ^why ^I'm ^here, ^I ^don't ^judge ^you. ^PM ^/u/xl0 ^if ^I'm ^causing ^any ^trouble. ^WUT?

It is the book by Randi Kreger

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526999491&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells+randi+kreger

This is her website:

https://www.bpdcentral.com/about/